Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022) | Transcript

A middle-aged Chinese immigrant is swept up into an insane adventure in which she alone can save existence by exploring other universes and connecting with the lives she could have led.
Everything Everywhere All at Once

Michelle Yeoh plays Evelyn, a Chinese-American woman who co-owns a scuzzy laundromat with her husband Waymond (Ke Huy Quan); Evelyn is discontented with her life and has a tense relationship with her daughter Joy (Stephanie Hsu), using Joy’s frail and old-fashioned grandfather Gong Gong (James Hong) – who lives with them – as an excuse not to accept Joy’s gay identity. Evelyn reaches a crisis when confronted by an angry tax officer, Deirdre Beaubeirdra (Jamie Lee Curtis), who is auditing their business, and furious about Evelyn’s attempts to claim deductions for a karaoke machine for the laundromat’s community party nights, at which Evelyn also offers food. In her heart, Evelyn figures she could have been a singer, or a chef, or a movie star in another life and this tax-deduction issue triggers a crazy journey into any number of different universes…

* * *

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC DISTORTS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(RATTLING)

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING OVER TV)

(SIGHS, CONTINUES MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

WAYMOND: Uh…

(WAYMOND GASPS)

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Oh, I have to finish all this before…

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Go and steam the tablecloths for tonight.

I’m going to paint over that water stain in the ceiling.

(WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(BELL RINGS)

WAYMOND: Huh!

(EVELYN CHUCKLES)

(COMPUTER TRILLS)

Huh? Oh.

(WATER BUBBLING)

Like, this afternoon?

EVELYN: Five minutes!

What?

(WAYMOND SPEAKS MANDARIN)

Which paint did you use?

(EVELYN REPLIES MOCKINGLY)

(CHAIR SCRAPES)

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GONG GONG SHOUTS IN CANTONESE)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Joy is here? Go set the table. He must be hungry.

(GONG GONG CONTINUES SHOUTING)

WAYMOND: We talk later?

(DOOR SHUTS)

(SIGHS)

(EERIE SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(KISSES NOISILY)

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, hey!

Thank you for doing this.

You look really pretty right now.

Oh, you like this…

…this hot Mormon look?

(CHUCKLING)

I’m just telling you now in case my mom says something dumb like you’re fat or whatever.

I thought you said when she says shit like that, it means she cares.

Hi, Evelyn.

Mrs Wang!

Hey, Mom.

I only cook enough food for three people.

Now I have to cook more.

It’s Joy. She brought Becky.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(DOOR OPENS)

JOY: Hi!

Hi, honey!

BECKY: Hi, Mr Wang!

WAYMOND: Hi, Becky! Thank you for coming.

Please call me Waymond. Here, sit.

EVELYN: You know, he doesn’t have to stay.

JOY: Who’s he?

EVELYN: Becky.

Becky’s a she.

(SCOFFS) You know me.

I always mix up ‘he’, ‘she’.

In Chinese, just one word ‘ta’ so easy.

And the way you two are dressed, I’m sure I’m not the only one calling him ‘he’.

I mean her ‘him’. Ugh!

Anyways, my English is fine and we have Google.

So you don’t have to come and be a translator.

You stay here.

(BECKY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(EVELYN WHISPERING) And she can go.

JOY: Look, I honestly think it’s weird, OK?

But Becky wants to help. Right, Becky?

I always learn something when I hang out with the elderly.

Old people are very wise.

Hmm. It’s OK.

We’ll take Gong Gong with us to the meeting.

Uh, you and Becky stay here and decorate. Hmm?

Where is he? When can I meet him?

(JOY CLEARS THROAT)

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

EVELYN: Huh! Customers.

Eat fast.

(DOOR OPENS)

Mom.

What?

Mom, just wait.

Wait? Wait? No time to wait today.

Just please…

(DOOR OPENS)

Joy, any other time, I beg you to come and eat or call me or anything, but today very busy.

Mom, this is literally what it’s always like.

EVELYN: Wrong white paint!

I know you haven’t always liked Becky, OK, but… I like Becky. She is very nice.

You are very lucky…

She’s half Mexican.

(THUDDING)

Ugh!

Huh!

No shoes in washer.

Broken, you pay, yeah?

(SIGHS) But Gong Gong, his heart cannot take it, especially after such a long flight.

You want him to come all the way from China to die like that?

He’s not gonna die.

(WOMAN CHATTERING)

Ooh!

How can I help you?

Just hold on. I can’t hear you.

Just hold on.

How can I help you?

I’m here to pick up some shirts.

I called, like, three times.

Give me your ticket.

Mmm-hmm, yeah.

I find for you.

No, I have the ticket.

MAN: Babe…

She’s just asking for it ’cause that’s, like, the way that it works.

They don’t read minds.

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Then hang up! Thank you.

JOY: We’ve been together for three years.

Don’t you think Gong Gong would want to know?

Let him enjoy his party tonight.

(JOY SCOFFS) Yeah, you think Becky’s gonna get through the whole party without introducing herself…

(SINGSONG) Evelyn!

JOY: Have you met Becky?

Guess whose $20 got eaten by the machine again.

Waymond! Customers need you!

WAYMOND: Alright, coming!

Evelyn, you know, my wife used to wear that exact same perfume, God rest her soul.

Are you coming to the party tonight?

Yeah, I got my ticket right here.

Sorry. It was too crowded here so I moved some upstairs.

I think the clothes are happier there.

(JOY SIGHS)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

See? They’re happier here.

No more Google eyes! (MUTTERING)

Mom, can we please talk about Becky?

I still don’t know what his brain is thinking.

JOY: Can Becky come tonight or not?

Stop changing the subject.

I’m not.

You know, it’s like our auditor.

She is a terrible person.

She keeps targeting the Chinese in the community.

(EVELYN SIGHS)

You know, two years of meetings, she puts a lien on our laundromat.

And you know what your father does?

He brings her cookies.

(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

(STATIC FLICKERS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Every day I fight, I fight.

I fight for all of us.

Every day is a battle here.

Oh, your father, he doesn’t care about the way things are…

(EVELYN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

I try to make our lives easier and more simple.

(DISTORTED STATIC)

WAYMOND: You should have told me earlier.

That’s really impressive.

(EVELYN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Evelyn, you have to see Rick dance.

Look, he knows all of the moves.

(CHUCKLES)

JOY: Becky, I’ll fucking kill myself.

(WAYMOND CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

He wants to be an actor, just like you did.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV)

(SINGING ON TV) ♪ Just put your hand ♪

♪ In my hand… ♪

(WAYMOND AND RICK CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

♪ And we’ll spin through eternity ♪

♪ Life can be so delicious ♪

♪ Delicious… ♪

(ACTORS CONTINUE SINGING)

WAYMOND: Ah! I love this!

(RICK AND WAYMOND LAUGH)

Hey!

Rick, you’re so terrific.

JOY: I know. I just… I just don’t know how to be any fucking clearer.

It’s like she can choose – either you come to the party with me and Gong Gong is eternally ashamed until he forgets it all and then he dies or you don’t come with me and then he still dies.

What? Huh!

(MOUTHS)

What are you saying?

That was a joke.

Uh, that’s not a very funny joke, honey.

Hey, guys…

This is only $10.

I thought you people were very good with math.

Next time I give you interest.

WAYMOND: Evelyn?

Mom, Mom…

(EVELYN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

JOY: Mom! Mom!

What?!

Huh!

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

EVELYN: Waymond! Waymond!

Huh?

(EVELYN SHOUTS)

Oh!

Uh…

Uh… (SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(SPEAKS MANDARIN) Uh…

(GONG GONG REPEATS MANDARIN)

Shit, how do you say it? Uh…

EVELYN: Oh!

Mom…

(WOMAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

You know what? I’m actually not doing that.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

WOMAN: It’s like at this point I do not…

(CALLS OUT IN CANTONESE)

It was nice to meet you!

(LAUGHS)

(MUTTERS)

EVELYN: Hi! Give us five-star cleaning.

Also…

(WOMAN CONTINUES CHATTERING)

There is a Chinese New Year party tonight, open to all the customers in the community.

Thank you.

Please come and enjoy…

This is fine.

…the good food…

OK.

…and nice music, OK?

Alright.

I get you an invite. Moment… moment, please.

Can you hear this right now?

Joy, wait! Please!

I have something to say to you!

What?

(EVELYN HESITATING)

You…

…you have to try and eat healthier.

You are getting fat.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN CANTONESE)

WAYMOND: Evelyn?

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Evelyn?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(EVELYN SPEAKING)

(EVELYN EXCLAIMS)

Go, go, go, go!

(WAYMOND EXCLAIMING)

EVELYN: OK!

(GONG GONG SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(GONG GONG MUTTERING)

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

If I have to think of one more thing today, my head will explode.

(SIGHS)

(EVELYN GROANING)

(BELL DINGS)

(DRAMATIC PULSE)

You may be in grave danger.

There’s no time to explain. Hold this.

Why are you doing this?

Pay attention.

When we leave this elevator, you can either turn left towards your scheduled audit appointment or you can turn right and go into the janitor’s closet.

Why would I go into the janitor’s…

Not now.

(EVELYN EXCLAIMS)

Why you download all these apps on my phone?

Breathe in.

You’re gonna feel a slight pressure in your head.

(PHONE DINGS, PLAYS FANFARE)

Huh!

(GASPS)

(WHOOSHING)

(BABY CRYING)

(YELLS IN CANTONESE)

(WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(WAYMOND SPEAKING)

(GONG GONG SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(EVELYN SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(GASPING AND RETCHING)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hey, baby Joy!

(YELLING EXCITEDLY)

EVELYN: You come back here!

Shut up!

You don’t talk to your mother like this!

JOY: I’ll talk to her how I fucking want!

(MAN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(GONG GONG SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Activation…

(OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

The moment you’re situated in your meeting, follow these instructions.

But, remember, no-one can know.

Don’t even talk to me about this because I won’t remember.

But I…

Shh.

(PHONE TRILLS)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Mental scan complete.

(EXHALES)

Talk to you soon.

(BELL DINGS)

(GONG GONG SPEAKING CANTONESE INDISTINCTLY)

(UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING)

WAYMOND: Hello!

(DEIRDRE SPEAKS DISTANTLY) Mrs Wang?

Mrs Wang?

Mrs Wang, are you with us?

Yes.

Of course. I am here.

Just thinking.

Oh, OK.

Well, I was just hoping… that you could explain this.

This is a receipt.

My receipt.

Look, I… I was just hoping you could enlighten me as to how, as a laundromat owner, a karaoke machine could constitute a business expense?

I am a singer.

(SIGHS)

Of course you are.

WAYMOND: It’s true.

She has a beautiful voice. Oh!

Evelyn, sing a song for her.

Shh!

No, no, please.

That will not be necessary.

But I will need a separate Schedule C for each of these businesses because based on what you’re trying to deduct, you’re also a novelist and a chef.

Last time, you told me that…

(TUTTING) Please.

…a teacher, uh, and a singing coach and a ‘Watsu’ technician.

I’m sorry. What… what is ‘Watsu’?

WAYMOND: It’s a water massage.

DEIRDRE: What’s a water massage?

WAYMOND: Like… like for back pain.

You go get a water massage.

DEIRDRE: Oh, you go?

WAYMOND: Yes.

(BOTH CONTINUE INDISTINCTLY)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(HEADSET CHIMING AND POWERING UP)

(EXHALES AND INHALES DEEPLY)

(BEEPS)

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(VOICES ECHO) What’s happening?

…like I’m talking to my ex-husband.

Like I said to you before, co-mingling of your…

It’s you messing with my head.

Shh!

Don’t shh me!

You got to relax your body.

Don’t… (MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(WHISPERING) Calm down, please!

Calm down.

(MUFFLED EXCLAIMING)

Relax your body in the other universe. Please.

DEIRDRE: ..these deductions…

ALPHA WAYMOND: Go into auto-pilot.

DEIRDRE: You can’t then deduct it if it’s an off…

(EXHALES)

ALPHA WAYMOND: Good. Good.

They don’t know you and I are in this universe yet so, hopefully, I’ll have some time to explain.

I am not your husband. At least not the one you know.

I am another version of him from another life path, another universe.

I’m here because we need your help.

Very busy today. No time to help you.

Shh!

There is a great evil that has taken root in my world and has begun spreading its chaos throughout the many verses.

I have spent years searching for the one who might be able to match this great evil with an even greater good and bring back balance.

All those years of searching have brought me here…

DEIRDRE: Mrs Wang?

..to this universe.

DEIRDRE: Hello?!

To you.

I know it’s a lot to take in right now…

Mrs Wang?!

Hello?

Look, I’m sure you have a lot on your mind,

but I cannot imagine anything mattering more

than the conversation we are now having

concerning your tax liability.

Uh, need I remind you that there is

already a lien on your property?

Repossession is well within our rights.

I know. I am paying attention.

Do you see these?

You don’t get one of these

unless you’ve seen a lot of bullshit.

Excuse my French.

Now you may… (CLEARS THROAT)

…only see a pile of boring forms and numbers,

but I see a story.

With nothing but a stack of receipts,

I can trace the ups and downs of your lives.

And it does not look good.

It does not look good.

But…

Uh…

Sorry, my wife confuses her hobbies for businesses.

An honest mistake.

DEIRDRE: Oh! OK.

Well, with all of these, um…

…”honest mistakes,”

I mean, even if we don’t charge you with fraud,

we’ll most certainly have to fine you

for gross negligence.

You’re always trying to confuse us

with these big words.

(SLOWLY) I thought you were going to bring

your daughter to help you translate.

I am going to bring my…

(ALPHA WAYMOND WHISPERING) Hey!

WAYMOND: Sorry.

ALPHA WAYMOND: Evelyn?

She was going to come…

Evelyn! Are you paying attention?

I cannot talk now.

DEIRDRE: She’s too busy to help her parents?

Unless you can help me with my taxes.

(GROANS)

What is “gross necklaces”?

I know you have a lot of things on your mind,

but nothing could possibly matter more

than this conversation we are having

right now concerning the fate

of every single world of our infinite multiverse.

DEIRDRE: Where’s the respect for elders?

My dear Evelyn,

I know you.

With every passing moment,

you fear you might have missed your chance

to make something of your life.

I’m here to tell you

every rejection,

every disappointment has led you here

to this moment.

Don’t let anything distract you from it.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you think this is funny?

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

So what will it be?

(OVERLAPS IN ENGLISH AND MANDARIN) I’m thinking.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Our time here is up.

They’re going to kill us.

What?

You think you can give us more time so we can redo all this?

Do not worry, this is just a burner universe

we are using for communication.

Oh-oh-oh!

You will know when it is time to fight.

You want to redo? You’re going to resubmit?

I will be in contact soon.

Shh, shh, shh.

I think my other husband is messing up the audit.

Maybe we can look at all the receipts again and…

Evelyn! Trust no-one. Oh!

(SCREAMS)

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Oh, no, no. No, no, no. No…!

(SCREAMS)

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

DEIRDRE: Oh, dear lord.

(WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

OK. Everything OK.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

I think I forget something at home.

Uh, sit down.

(BOTTLE CAP CLATTERS ON TABLE)

I think I’m going to regret this.

(TRASH CAN CLANGS)

You can go.

What?

DEIRDRE: You… you will have…

You will have until I leave the office tonight

to bring everything in, 6:00 p.m.

Last chance.

Oh, tomorrow is better…

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you. 6:00 p.m.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for the cookies.

They look delicious.

Last chance!

WAYMOND: Have a nice day.

Last chance.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no.

Evelyn! Evelyn!

So you know about this?

It was you. Like, you who was in the elevator.

I was in the elevator.

Come back next week.

(SHUSHES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS)

(WHISPERS) I’m not ready to fight.

I am not ready to fight.

Maybe we don’t have a choice.

EVELYN: What?

(GONG GONG SPEAKING CANTONESE)

Switch shoes to what? (GRUNTS)

Ow! Oh!

WAYMOND: Evelyn?!

DEIRDRE: Someone call security!

What are you doing?

You told me to do it!

You said I would know when it is the time to fight!

She was coming after us.

(GROANING) Oh!

Oh, you have no idea, lady. Oh!

Assaulting an IRS agent?

You have no idea! (CONTINUES GROANING)

“Dissolution of marriage”?

Yes, I’m on the tenth floor.

No…

Your brother gets a divorce,

now you think divorce is OK?

I don’t think it’s OK!

We made a sacred promise.

(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

I told you to stay low and out of sight.

Oh, now you’re here?

Huh! Stop confusing me, coming and going.

Stop it, stop it, stop…

Relax.

I’ll get you out of this.

(BELL DINGS)

Stop coming here.

OK, folks. Everyone remain calm.

DEIRDRE: Oh, thank… thank God!

It’s that one right there. The Chinese lady!

No! It’s all his fault!

DEIRDRE: Right there, she assaulted me!

OK, I need you two to get on the ground

with your hands behind your heads.

OK, OK, OK.

Sir, please comply.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BAG ZIPS)

OK, whatever you’re thinking about doing, don’t do it.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Sir?

(HEADSET CHIMING AND POWERING UP)

(BEEPS)

(WHIRRING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFTLY) It’s OK.

OK, sir. That’s enough.

(JOINTS CRACKING)

Oh! (GROANING)

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Holy shit.

Hyah!

Oh! (GROANS)

(ROCKS CLINK)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN INDISTINCTLY)

Hey.

(GRUNTING ANGRILY)

(YELLS)

(SLOW-MOTION YELLING)

Oh, no, Craig! Fuck.

Arggh!

(ALARM BEEPING)

On your feet.

Who… What is happening?

I’m not the Waymond who wants to divorce you.

I’m the Waymond who is saving your life.

Now, you can either come with me

and live up to your ultimate potential

or lie here and live with the consequences.

I want to lie here.

(SIGHS)

(EVELYN YELLS) Hey, hey, hey.

No, no! Put me down! No, no!

(WHIMPERING)

(WOMAN CRYING)

Citizens of the 4,655th Thetaverse,

you are about to be graced

by the presence of our sovereign leader,

Jobu Tupaki.

Now let me assure you of one thing.

Just like the rest of your miserable lives,

this is nothing more

than a statistical inevitability.

JOBU: Duck.

Duck.

(GASPS)

Duck…

BAGEL DEIRDRE: Jobu Tupaki

has seen all and knows all.

She knows what makes you tick,

on what fragile branches your self-worth rests.

JOBU: This one.

(GASPS)

(EVELYNS SCREAMING)

(JOBU TUTTING)

JOBU: Hang on.

Don’t die yet, alright, buddy?

(JOBU SIGHS) Ugh.

(JOBU SIGHS)

(SHUSHES)

(RADIO STATIC BUZZING)

(SHUSHES)

(WOMAN WHIMPERS)

JOBU: It’s not her.

REPORTER: …police are looking for all information.

This is a developing story.

What we do know…

JOBU: They might be close.

We do have unconfirmed photos of the suspects.

(STATIC CLICKING)

An unidentified man

went berserk at the regional office

for the Internal Revenue Service in Simi Valley this morning.

Police aren’t releasing any information…

Is that where your parents are?

This is a developing story.

But we do have unconfirmed…

BECKY: Are you OK?

…photos of the suspects.

If you recognise them…

BECKY: Hey!

Are you OK?

..help identify them.

BECKY: Joy?

If you recognise these two,

police are seeking help identifying the assailants.

(MUTED AUDIO)

My husband won’t even kill a spider.

How can you be the same person?

ALPHA WAYMOND: You underestimate how the smallest decisions

can compound into significant differences over a lifetime.

Every tiny decision creates

another branching universe, another…

Were you not paying attention before?

Of course. You’re just very bad at explaining…

Shh!

Don’t push me!

(GASPS) Oh, my God! We have to go back.

We forgot my father!

Don’t worry. We’re monitoring him. He’s safe.

I don’t know. Are you sure?

Yes.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)

MAN: Hey, look, come on!

Look, this is your universe,

one bubble floating in the cosmic foam of existence.

Every surrounding bubble has slight variations.

But the further away you get from your universe,

the bigger the differences.

This is where I am from, The Alpha verse.

The first universe to make contact with the others.

You can call me Alpha Waymond.

In this world,

you were a brilliant woman.

In your search to prove

the existence of other universes,

you discovered a way to temporarily link

your consciousness to another version of yourself,

accessing all of their memories,

their skills, even their emotions.

Like you with the fanny pack?

Exactly. It’s called Verse Jumping.

“Verse Jumping.”

I need you to learn how to do it right now.

Right now?!

It may be our only chance of getting out of here alive.

(HEADSET POWERING UP)

(BEEPS)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(EXHALES)

Two guards coming this way.

On my signal, try to blend in.

(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Why don’t you get your Evelyn to do this?

My Evelyn is dead.

Go! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, what is going on?

Help us! Help us!

(EXCLAIMING IN MANDARIN)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

How did I die?

I’ve seen you die a thousand ways,

in a thousand worlds.

In every single one, you were murdered.

What? Why would anybody want to kill me?

She’s an omniversal being with unimaginable power,

an agent of pure chaos,

with no real motives or desires.

Jobu Tupaki.

You’re just making up sounds.

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Shh!

We need another exit.

So let her destroy the other bubbles.

You said there are so many of them.

(SCOFFS) Maybe it’s OK if we lose some,

but just leave me out of it.

It’s not so simple.

She’s been building something.

We thought it was some sort of black hole.

But it appears to consume

more than just light and matter.

We don’t know exactly what it is.

We don’t know what it’s for.

But we can all

feel it.

You’ve been feeling it too, haven’t you?

Something is off.

Your clothes never wear as well the next day.

Your hair never falls in quite the same way.

Even your coffee tastes…

…wrong.

Our institutions are crumbling.

Nobody trusts their neighbour anymore.

And you stay up at night wondering to yourself…

How can we get back?

This is the Alphaverse’s mission –

to take us back to how it’s supposed to be.

But that begins with finding the one

who can stand up to Jobu’s perverse shroud of chaos.

And you think it’s me?

Why else would we risk everything

to get you out of here?

BAGEL DEIRDRE: Oh, there you are.

Oh, Miss Deirdre!

I’m sorry I punched you, but…

(EXHALES)

EVELYN: Look.

I think I finally understand why…

(EVELYN GASPING)

(HEADSET POWERING UP)

What is she doing?

Verse Jumping. Run!

(BEEPS)

(WHEEZES AND SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

Come on.

Oh!

(BAGEL DEIRDRE SCREAMING)

Go! Go! Go!

(EVELYN SHRIEKS)

(WHIMPERS)

She jumped somewhere. Brute force.

The sumo wrestler?

Body builder?

Doesn’t matter.

Counter with someone agile.

On your perimeter, we’ve got a break dancer, mime…

A gymnast.

Give me gymnast!

Go!

Calculating route.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

MALE ALPHA OFFICER: OK, some paper cuts, four of them.

One between each finger.

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

Paper cuts only happen when you aren’t trying.

It’s impossible.

Probability

1 in 8,000.

It’s the strongest jumping pad we have.

What are you doing?

Come on, come on.

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

There we go, one.

There’s two.

Ooh.

Ugh!

Three.

Alright, come on, come on, come on. Stick with me.

Come on.

(EXCLAIMS)

(BLOWS)

(HEADSET BEEPS)

Four! There it is.

OK, come on, jump!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(ALPHA WAYMOND SCREAMS)

Huh!

FEMALE ALPHA OFFICER: Is that pro wrestling?

She’s going for a back breaker!

(BAGEL DEIRDRE SNARLING)

(MUTED YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

She’s gotta run.

ALPHA WAYMOND: No.

She can jump, somewhere she can fight.

MALE ALPHA OFFICER: She’s not ready.

A jump like that would fry most people.

She’s not most people.

(GROANS IN PAIN)

Damn, what a weak body. (PANTING)

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

(SHUSHING)

(WHISPERING) Hello?

ALPHA WAYMOND: Evelyn!

Can you hear me?

You’re going to have to Verse Jump.

Verse Jump?

Hello?

Concentrate on a universe

in which you studied martial arts.

MALE ALPHA OFFICER: OK, I’m locking in.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Calculations complete.

“Profess your love.”

ALPHA WAYMOND: You’re gonna have to profess your love to Deirdre.

(SCOFFS) No way.

It’s your jumping pad.

It’s like eating the chap stick or switching shoes.

We developed an algorithm that calculates

which statistically improbable action

will place you in a universe

on the edge of your local cluster,

which then sling shots you to the desired universe.

(MUTTERS IN MANDARIN)

That doesn’t make any sense!

Exactly.

(GASPS)

The less sense it makes, the better.

The Stochastic Path Algorithm is fuel led by random actions.

Tell her you love her and mean it.

Are there any other jumping pads?

The next best paths are break your own arm or take a nap.

You’re not sleepy, are you?

(EVELYN SHRIEKS)

I love you.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Jumping pad failure.

Evelyn, wait! No!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY ON SPEAKERS)

No.

FEMALE ALPHA OFFICER: She’s in a local divergent universe.

No, no, no.

ALPHA WAYMOND: She’s gone home…

…to finish the taxes.

(GRUNTING)

(BONES CRACKING)

Ah!

(GROANS)

(WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

This doesn’t make any sense.

Think about it.

…you always get pulled away.

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS AND COUGHS)

Waymond!

(GASPING) Waymond!

ALPHA WAYMOND: I’m sorry, Evelyn.

EVELYN: Huh?

I need to go.

EVELYN: What?

ALPHA WAYMOND: I need to find the right Evelyn.

And this one,

it’s not the one.

No! No. Wait, let me try again!

Alpha Waymond?

Evelyn?!

EVELYN: Oh.

WAYMOND: Huh?

(EVELYN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

WAYMOND: Ah! What’s happened to my hand?

(EVELYN GRUNTS)

(WAYMOND AND EVELYN EXCLAIMING)

EVELYN: Go, go, go, go!

(PANTING)

WAYMOND: Evelyn, your face.

You just left me.

You just left me!

(GROANING)

(SNIFFLES)

Waymond…

(BAGEL DEIDRE GRUNTS)

(SHRIEKS)

Miss Deirdre?

I love you!

What?

(EVELYN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

I love you!

(HEADSET BEEPS)

(WAYMOND EXCLAIMING)

No, no!

I love you!

(SLOW-MOTION YELLING)

(WHISPERS) I love you!

(POWERING UP)

(VOICE ECHOES) I love…

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

(WAYMOND SPEAKING IN MANDARIN)

(VOICE OVERLAPS AND ECHOES)

Evelyn!

(SOBBING)

(MAN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(BODY THUDS)

(KUNG FU MASTER SPEAKING)

(EVELYN GRUNTS)

(CHEERING)

(WOMAN YELLS)

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

(KUNG FU MASTER SPEAKING)

KUNG FU EVELYN: Oh, I’m so happy to be here today.

MAN: Evelyn!

WOMAN: Evelyn!

WOMAN 2: Evelyn!

(SLOW-PACED ‘CLAIR DE LUNE’ PLAYS)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(DARK ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(BAGEL DEIRDRE BELLOWING)

Oh!

(THUDDING)

(BAGEL DEIDRE GROANING)

(EXHALES)

Why did you… How?

It was beautiful.

Waymond.

We better keep moving.

Now you’ve definitely got Jobu’s attention. Come on.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Stay calm.

Your brain is under an incredible amount of stress.

No, let me finish talking with my husband.

He needs to know how good my life could have been.

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)

MAN 1: Evelyn! Evelyn!

MAN 2: Evelyn!

(PEOPLE JOSTLING)

Ow!

Are you with me?

I thought I was disconnected.

Why was I still there?

Your mind, it’s like a clay pot holding water.

Every jump opens another crack,

causing things to leak through.

With training, you will learn to reseal these cracks.

Eat. You need energy.

Cream cheese.

Mmm!

In my universe, the cattle were killed off.

One of the many things we’ve lost

in our war against Jobu.

Oh, my God.

What if…

…what if I want to go back?

What if I want to go back to the other universe?

(YELLING) Shut it down! Shut it down, you hear me!

Come back!

OK! OK! OK!

I… I’m back!

Listen, you’re only using

the other worlds to acquire special skills.

Do you understand?

If you fall for their temptations,

you invite contradiction, chaos.

The clay pot could shatter and you could die, or far worse.

What can be worse than death?

We should keep moving until reinforcements come.

No, no, no!

Enough of your clay pots, cream cheese, no cows.

Explain it all to me now.

You’re right.

In the Alpha verse,

we began training many young minds to Verse Jump.

But there was one who was far and above the most gifted.

Our little explorer.

You saw her potential…

…so you pushed her

beyond her limit.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning. Unstable.

(HEADSET CHIMES AND POWERS UP)

ALPHA WAYMOND: Though the overloaded mind usually dies,

instead her mind was fractured.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning. Unstable.

(DISTORTED SCREAMING)

Mind fracturing.

ALPHA WAYMOND: Now her mind experiences every world,

every possibility,

at the same exact time,

commanding the infinite knowledge

and power of the multiverse.

Now she’s seen too much,

lost any sense of morality,

any belief in objective truth.

EVELYN: What does she want?

ALPHA WAYMOND: No-one knows.

All we know

is she’s looking for you.

Hey, you said I was the wrong one.

What you did back there, it changed my mind.

You were incredible.

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHISPERS) Waymond.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLES) Of course.

(CLICKING)

(GASPS)

ALPHA WAYMOND: Evelyn! Come back!

Evelyn! Jump to another combat universe!

Huh?

Try peeing yourself!

Pee?

It’s always a good jumping pad!

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

Come on, wake up! Wake up!

What did you do to me?

Did you staple something to my forehead?

No! I didn’t do anything. You did it yourself!

Did we call for backup?

I did not do it to myself!

Did you call?

DEIRDRE: It has blood on it!

We’ve detained the assailants. No backup was requested.

You guys are wasting a trip up. Copy?

(BEEPING)

ALPHA WAYMOND: Oh, no! She found us.

I said, do you copy?

(STATIC AND DISTORTED SPEECH)

Clear them.

(MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Rainy day… ♪

(PIG GRUNTING)

♪ Go far away… ♪

Joy?

Why do you look so stupid?

Ma’am.

You and… your pig can’t be here.

♪ Lonely nights… ♪

(SLURPS AND CLICKS TONGUE)

Is it that I can’t be here…

…or that I’m not allowed…

Huh!

..to be here?

Hey!

OK… (SIGHS)

Hands where I can see them.

See, I can physically be here.

But what you meant to say

is you’re not allowing me to be here.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hands behind your back. Come on.

(EVELYN SPEAKING) Waymond!

(BABYISH) You’re going to make me walk through you?

(SNICKERS) Yeah, cute. I can’t let you do that either.

Yeah, again with the ‘can’t’!

See, I don’t think you understand

the meaning of that word.

(MUSIC RISES)

(RETCHING)

(SCREAMS)

See, I can walk through you.

Officer down!

No, no! Don’t shoot.

Hands on your head.

Like this?

(GURGLING)

(GUN CLICKS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

(OFFICER EXCLAIMS)

(DISTORTED YELLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(OFFICER GROANING)

Waymond. Wake up! Wake up!

Daddy!

(OFFICER EXCLAIMS)

(BELL DINGS)

ANNOUNCER: Oh, no!

(NECK SNAPPING)

(GROANING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

(WHISPERS) Oh, shit.

(GUN CLICKS)

Ugh!

Oh!

(SCREAMS) No!

Oh, no!

(GASPING) Don’t worry, Evelyn.

No, no! Oh, God!

It’s…

Mmm! Organic.

(RADIO STATIC)

(BRIGHT JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

Arggh…!

(GRUNTING)

(SOFT CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

(BLOOD SPATTERS)

You…

You’re Juju Toobootie.

(CHUCKLING)

The “Great Evil” Waymond was talking about is…

…in my Joy?

ALPHA WAYMOND: Don’t engage.

She can’t be reasoned with.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh…

It’s you.

You’re the reason my daughter

doesn’t call anymore,

why she dropped out of college

and gets tattoos.

Aww!

You…

…are why she thinks she is gay.

Ah!

(MUSIC STOPS)

I’m so sorry.

You’re still hung up on the fact

that I like girls in this world?

The universe…

(CIRCUIT BREAKERS POP)

(DISTANT SCREAMING)

…is so much bigger than you realise.

(STATIC AND WARBLING)

Huh?

(LOUD BEEPING)

OK!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Stop!

(‘WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE’ PLAYING SOFTLY)

Huh!

Don’t make me fight you.

I am really good.

I don’t believe you.

OK, OK.

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

(‘WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE’ RISES)

(MUTTERS)

Nice.

You peed yourself.

(HEADSET BLIPS)

No, Evelyn, you’re not locked in!

(BEEPS)

(POWERING DOWN)

EVELYN: Oh!

(JOBU CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

Hmm.

(GASPING)

ALPHA WAYMOND: Where did she jump?

Um, she’s off the damn map.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(WOMAN SINGING ON TV) ♪ Flap your hands

♪ My hands… ♪

FEMALE ALPHA OFFICER: She appears to be in a universe

where everyone has…

…hot dogs instead of fingers.

I mean, it just doesn’t matter

how many times I see it, I’m so moved. (SNIFFLES)

(BOTH YELLING)

Oh, you stop it!

MALE ALPHA OFFICER: An evolutionary branch

in the anatomy of the human race?

(APE GIBBERING)

(WHOOPING EXCITEDLY)

MALE ALPHA OFFICER: A jump like that

would’ve fried most people.

Like I said…

…she’s not most people.

Don’t… Why are you treating me like this?

One minute, you’re so warm,

then one minute, you’re cold and awful.

(BABBLING ON TV)

This is crazy!

You’re starting to get it.

Where are you gonna go?

(DISTORTED VERSION OF ‘ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA’ PLAYING)

Ugh!

JOBU: You know, of all the Evelyns I’ve seen…

…you’re definitely one of the more interesting ones.

(BABBLING CONTINUES OVER HEADSET)

(WHISPERING) What do you want from me?

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Here.

Let me help you open up your mind, huh?

Hmm?

Oh!

Here.

(EVELYN GASPS SOFTLY)

Open up.

It’s OK.

It’s OK.

Take a peek.

(SWEEPING MUSIC PLAYING)

(BLIPPING)

(RUMBLING)

FEMALE ALPHA OFFICER: Oh, shit.

What is that?

JOBU: I got bored one day

and I put everything on a bagel.

Everything.

All my hopes and dreams, my old report cards,

every breed of dog,

every last personal ad on craigslist.

Sesame.

Poppy seed.

Salt.

And it collapsed in on itself.

(JOBU CHUCKLING)

‘Cause, you see, when you really put

everything on a bagel,

it becomes this.

Come on. Run, Evelyn.

JOBU: The truth.

EVELYN: What is the truth?

Nothing…

…matters.

No, Joy.

You don’t believe that.

Feels nice, doesn’t it?

If nothing matters…

…then all the pain and guilt you feel

for making nothing of your life…

…it goes away.

(SINGING) ♪ Sucked

♪ Into

♪ A bagel. ♪

(JARRING MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISTORTED) No!

(WHIRRING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

(THUD)

(CREAKS)

Ah Ba?

(SCOFFS) I’m not your father.

At least not the one you know.

I am Alpha Gong Gong.

Huh!

Not you too!

(SNIFFS, GASPS)

Sir, what are you doing here?

ALPHA GONG GONG: We need to go. Just follow me.

(QUIET EERIE MUSIC)

(DOOR OPENS)

ALPHA WAYMOND: Sir, I have this under control.

ALPHA GONG GONG: Again, you deliberately disobey me

and cause another mind to be compromised.

(WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING)

And now you know what we must do.

No! Please.

She’s unlike anything we’ve seen.

She could finally stop Jobu Tupaki.

You mean the monster that is inside my daughter?

Well, why didn’t you tell me about it earlier?

What else are you Alpha people not telling me?

Did you see her dance that man to death?

There is no way I am the Evelyn you are looking for.

No, I see it so clearly.

See what?

I’m no good at anything.

Exactly.

I’ve seen thousands of Evelyns,

but never an Evelyn like you.

You have so many goals you never finished,

dreams you never followed.

You’re living your worst you.

I cannot be the worst. What about that hot dog one?

No. Can’t you see?

Every failure here branched off into a success

for another Evelyn in another life.

Most people only have a few significant

alternate life paths so close to them.

But you, here,

you’re capable of anything

because you’re so bad at everything.

(ALPHA GONG GONG LAUGHING)

What good is all that power when her mind

is already succumbing to that chaos, huh?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

JOY: Hello?

Hello? Mom, Dad? What’s going on?

No. Do not answer her.

It’s one of her tricks.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Sir, our readings indicate it’s not Jobu Tupaki.

But if she’s not here…

(BANGING CONTINUES)

Oh, shit!

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

ALPHA GONG GONG: Do not engage! Run! Run!

Watch these two here while I deal with Jobu.

I’m not risking the safety of the Alpha verse for this.

(EARPIECE CHIMES)

(SNORING)

Get us as far away from Joy as you can.

Why?

I’ll be back. I promise.

No, no, no, wait. Why don’t you…

Huh?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

JOY: Hello?

Joy?

No, no… That’s not…

Joy’s here!

No, no, no, that’s not Joy.

JOY: Hello?

Joy? Joy, I’m coming.

JOY: Let me in.

WAYMOND: OK, be patient! This is heavy.

Joy, why are you here?

I have no fucking clue!

Hey, gentle language!

Just what is going on?

I’m sure there’s a very good explanation for all of this…

(JOY AND EVELYN SHRIEKING)

(WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

JOY: What the fuck, Mom?!

(EVELYN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

What the fuck are you doing?

(JOY SCOFFS)

But… she’s too powerful.

Are we all having a stroke?

(EVELYN SIGHS)

You are like puppets. You know? Puppets?

You can do things you normally cannot do.

It’s like that movie.

Um, you… you… That movie…

OK, what are you talking about?

WAYMOND: A movie?

‘Raccaccoonie’!

What?

Huh?

‘Raccaccoonie’, you know?

The one with the chef… (IMITATES CHOPPING)

And he makes bad food. Phooey.

And then this raccoon sit on his head,

ooh, control him, and then he cooks good food.

(SNICKERING) Do you mean ‘Ratatouille’?

‘Ratatouille’? I like that movie.

No. No, no, no, no, no. ‘Raccaccoonie’!

With the raccoon.

OK… (LAUGHS)

Raccoon?

Everybody, stop making up sounds!

So there’s a raccoon Joy, and there’s a raccoon me?

(JOY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

And they are controlling us?

Yeah, from the other universes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh. OK.

That’s very funny, Evelyn.

OK, it sounds a little bit ridiculous, but it’s true.

I swear to God, you…

You are macho man.

(SNORING)

WAYMOND: I like that!

JOY: Oh, yeah.

(GONG GONG MURMURS IN CANTONESE)

WAYMOND: Hey, honey, don’t worry.

Daddy will get you out of this.

Ah Ba?

Quickly, while she is distracted.

No.

It’s only protocol.

It gives her one less universe to access.

JOY: God…

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Can you…

Oh, it’s Becky.

Hi, Becky. Hold on.

How do you expect to defeat her in every universe

if you can’t even kill her in one?

JOY: Hey, babe.

She’s your granddaughter.

(JOY CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY)

How do you think I feel?

But this is a sacrifice

that is necessary to win the war.

WAYMOND: OK, there we go.

(BECKY CHATTERS ON PHONE)

(UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING)

You must do it.

Go.

(BECKY CONTINUES CHATTERING)

Go.

Yeah, my mom taped me to a chair.

Uh, because of raccoons.

(WAYMOND GRUNTS)

WAYMOND: OK, be patient.

JOY: Yeah, it’s a long story.

Daddy’s trying to…

It’s been a day.

(JOY CONTINUES CHATTING)

Mom?

BECKY: I don’t like this at all.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

What are you…

…what are you doing?

Hey! I almost had it.

Oh, come on!

(GUN COCKING)

You are already under her spell.

Holy shit! Holy shit, he has a gun!

Everyone, stay calm!

I think it’s time for a family discussion!

It’s OK, it’s OK, it’s OK.

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

I won’t let you kill her.

Don’t you see what is happening to your mind?

In my universe,

you pushed your own daughter too hard until you broke her.

(LAUGHS DRILY) You…

…you created Jobu Tupaki.

When did he get so good at English?

Now I must stop you.

Otherwise, it’s only a matter of time

before you become just like her.

Just like her?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(STOMPS)

WAYMOND: Huh?

What the fuck are you doing?

Evelyn, I don’t think now is a good time to dance!

(EARPIECE CHIMES, WHIRRS)

(IN WAYMOND’S VOICE) Baba,

I know you don’t agree with me,

but this is something I have to do.

What the…

That sounds weird.

No, no, no… (HESITATES, GROANS)

EVELYN: OK.

GONG GONG: Wait!

You don’t know where you’ll jump.

(WINCES, SCREAMS)

(JOY AND WAYMOND EXCLAIM)

Enough!

(EARPIECE CHIMES)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning. Unstable.

(FREQUENCY WARBLING)

(IMITATES BIRDCALL)

Please.

I cannot lose another loved one to the darkness.

Warning. Unstable.

Don’t worry. You won’t.

(GAGS)

(EARPIECE CHIMES, WHIRRS)

(BOTH EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)

(EARPIECE BEEPS)

(WHIRRING)

(RAPID BEEPING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Hey, uh, clean up in there, alright?

Here. Oh!

Where did she jump?!

Sorry, Ah Ba.

(BEEPING)

JOY: Whoa!

EVELYN: OK!

Come on, come on, come on!

Jesus, Mom!

That way!

GONG GONG: Oh, no!

WAYMOND: Oh, my God!

EVELYN: Come on, come on!

JOY: Oh!

GONG GONG: No!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning, mind fracturing.

Send every Jumper with a counterpart in the area.

Now!

(ALARM BLARING)

ALPHA GONG GONG: Once again, the Alpha verse finds itself

as the last line of defence against total chaos.

Be brave. This Evelyn is as stubborn as the others.

She has given us no choice.

We must kill her before she becomes another Jobu Tupaki.

Joy.

JOY: Oh, what?

Joy… Joy…

I know you have these feelings,

feelings that make you so sad.

That makes you just… just want to give up.

It’s not your fault.

Not your fault.

I know. (BREATHING SHAKILY)

It’s… it’s her.

Juju Chewbacca.

(JOY GROANS)

She has your soul…

…in the palm of her hand.

What are you talking about?

The only way I can defeat her to save you…

…is to become like her.

ALPHA GONG GONG: Evelyn!

Your daughter is beyond saving.

And soon you will be too.

Your time is up.

Find your jumping pads.

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

(SINGING) ♪ Ave Maria… ♪

(PEOPLE BURBLING, MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

♪ Ave Maria… ♪

(DISTORTED AUDIO)

(JOY’S VOICE ECHOING) Mom? Mom?

WAYMOND: I think you’re pushing things too far.

Or not far enough.

(GAS HISSING)

(WAYMOND AND JOY GASPING)

WAYMOND: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

WAYMOND: Evelyn?

Ugh!

Oh, my God.

(EARPIECES BEEPING)

(JUMPERS GRUNTING)

(SPITS)

WAYMOND: Oh!

JOY: What are you doing?!

(EARPIECE WHIRRS, BEEPS)

(GONG GONG SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(YOUNG EVELYN SCREAMS)

(GONG GONG SHOUTS)

(BOTH HUMMING TUNE)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(SINGING IN MANDARIN)

(APPLAUSE)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

JOY: Mom! (COUGHS)

(EVELYN GROANS)

(VOICE CRACKS)

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(GRUNTS)

(STATIC OVER EARPIECE)

(MAN YELLING)

(MAN GRUNTING)

(WOMAN YELLING)

(GAGGING)

(GULPS, COUGHS)

(EARPIECE CHIMES, WHIRRS)

(PEOPLE GRUNT AND YELL)

(YELLING)

(EARPIECE BEEPS)

(CAR HORN BLARES)

(EVELYN SINGING IN MANDARIN CONTINUES)

(EVELYN YELLS)

(DISTORTED TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL YELLING)

Arggh!

Ohh!

(JOY GASPS)

(EVELYN SINGING CONTINUES)

(JOY EXCLAIMS)

(PEOPLE GROANING)

Holy… shit.

Is he dead?

(THUD)

(GROANS WEAKLY)

See, not dead. Go!

That’s definitely not…

Hurry up, please. Go quick!

(PANTING) OK, come on, guys.

(ALL PANTING)

Dad, go!

(DOG GROWLS AND WHINES)

(DOG YELPS)

(GROANS, COUGHS)

JOY: Oh, my God.

(DOG GROWLING)

Does my baby want to go for a walk?

(DOG SNARLING)

(BARKS)

(HUFFS)

BIG NOSE: Yow!

(DOG GROWLING)

(WHIMPERS)

BIG NOSE: No!

(DOG BARKING)

Oh, Johnny! Oh!

JOY: Orange soda?

Huh?

What is she doing?

WAYMOND: I think when she does something weird

it helps her fight, it gives her power.

(EARPIECE WHIRRING)

Sorry, baby.

(YELLING)

(EARPIECE BEEPS)

(FOOD SIZZLING)

(MAN LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Ask her for another one.

(JOHNNY YELPS)

(BIG NOSE GASPS)

No! Johnny!

(JOHNNY YELPING)

(JOY GASPS)

(CUSTOMERS MURMURING)

MAN: Fried egg?

You… bitch.

(BODY THUDS)

EVELYN: Go!

(GROANS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY) Huh?

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

WOMAN: Oh…

Evelyn, if you don’t step up,

I’m giving some of your shifts to Chad.

(KNIVES CLANKING)

(DINERS EXCLAIMING)

WOMAN: Yeah! (LAUGHS)

MAN: Oh, my God!

WOMAN: Oh, good one!

I got a picture!

(LOUD THUDDING)

Go.

(EVELYN WHIMPERING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(MAN YELLS)

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(GASPS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(METAL RINGING)

(BOTH GROANING)

(MAN PANTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

MAN: Stop…

WAYMOND: Huh? What happened?

EVELYN: You stop!

I think they lost their…

EVELYN: Stop it!

..powers?

Sir?

I am gonna need another jumping pad.

ALPHA OFFICER: Received information. Over.

(UNZIPS)

I think she needs to do something weird again.

What’s he doing?

(GRUNTS)

(EVELYN YELLS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, my God. He’s trying to stick it in his butt.

No!

(GRUNTS)

No, no, no!

Ah… No!

Ah, Evelyn, do jumping jacks!

That’s not weird at all.

WAYMOND: Um… Slap him!

JOY: No, no, no, no!

Mom, just blow on his nose!

EVELYN: What?

It’ll make him involuntarily

scream and do weird noises.

WAYMOND: Trust her, Evelyn! It’s really weird.

(MAN YELLING)

(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(EARPIECE WHIRRS)

(BEEPS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(TAKES DEEP BREATH, BLOWS)

(SCREAMING)

(EARPIECE WHIRRS, BEEPS)

(GRUNTING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(MAN GROANING)

Wow, Mom is really good.

(EXHALES)

MAN: Huh!

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS) Sorry.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH YELLING)

Oh!

Arggh!

(THUDS)

Ahh!

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEN GROAN)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(GAGS)

(EVELYN COUGHING IN FILM)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Reaching mental capacity.

(ALARM BLARING)

Reaching mental capacity.

(EVELYN GRUNTS)

Holy shit!

(BOTH GROANING)

Ow!

I’m sorry, Evelyn.

Mind fracturing.

We’ll die together.

(GRENADE PIN CLICKS)

(FLY BUZZING)

(SNIFFS)

(EARPIECE CHIMES, WHIRRS AND BEEPS)

(KUNG FU MASTER SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(PINKY STRAINING)

(EVELYN GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

ALPHA GONG GONG: Pinky… Arggh!

(THUDS)

WOMAN: Get her. I see her.

MAN: Let’s go!

(WIND WHOOSHES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

(RUMBLING)

WAYMOND: Evelyn!

Evelyn. Evelyn!

(EVELYN SIGHS)

Whoa, whoa!

(GROANING, SPEAKS MANDARIN)

No need to explain.

I have been watching you.

(LAUGHS) You’re back!

Did you see how good I am?

I’m gonna do it.

I am going to defeat that Jobu Tupaki.

Hey. You got her name right.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Evelyn, what you’re doing is crazy, reckless.

Your stupid plan to somehow save your daughter

has managed to piss off everyone in the multiverse.

But it just might work.

(COUGHING, GASPING)

What? What? (EXCLAIMS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

ALPHA WAYMOND: I only wish I could be there

to see you finish this.

What do you mean, you don’t see me finish?

I’m grateful

that chance was kind enough

to let us have these last few moments together.

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(GASPING)

Alpha Waymond?

(GASPS) Alpha Waymond?

What happened?

Was I Raccoon Waymond again?

(EVELYN SIGHS)

Raccoon Waymond is dead.

(SLOW CLAPPING)

WAYMOND: Is that Raccoon Joy?

Am I getting it?

I can to stop you, Jobu… (ECHOES)

…now that I am reaching my full potential.

Oh, you still can’t see what’s happening.

No, I see clearly.

More clearly than ever before.

(ENERGY HUMMING AND BUZZING)

(SHATTERING)

(RETCHES)

(WAYMOND GASPS)

Oh, my God! Evelyn.

Oh, my God!

JOBU: Damn it. So close.

(DEVICE BEEPING)

WAYMOND: Evelyn? Evelyn?

(FLATLINE TONE)

Please help her.

JOBU: I’ll see you again soon.

(SINGING) ♪ Somewhere out there

♪ In all that noise… ♪

Don’t leave! Help her, please!

Help! Help!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(GASPS)

(GASPING) Where is she?

Where’s our daughter?

Daughter?

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(CAR HORN BLARING)

(GRUNTS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(RACCOON SINGING) ♪ We’re family

CHAD: ♪ We’re a family

-RACCOON: ♪ Culinarily -CHAD: ♪ Culinarily

BOTH: ♪ Now we’re cooking… ♪

Oh, Raccaccoonie.

♪ When nobody’s lookin’… ♪

CHAD: I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Raccaccoonie?

CHAD: Yeah, we make a pretty good team.

RACCOON: ♪ Culinarily… ♪

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(RACCOON GASPS)

Oh, no!

CHAD: Uh…

You… you can’t tell anyone.

She’s seen too much. You know what that means.

Get her! Get her!

No, no, I’m begging you.

No, no!

Get her! Get her!

No, I… No. No!

CHAD: Please.

Get her!

Just go! Just go!

(CHEF EVELYN SCREAMS)

(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS)

What do you want?

HOT DOG DEIRDRE: I want you.

No!

Stop that!

(MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh!

Oh!

Stay back!

This is wrong!

This is wrong!

What? It’s not wrong!

(HOT DOG EVELYN GRUNTS)

(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(DOOR SLAMS)

(SOBBING)

MOVIE STAR EVELYN: I… I’m late.

(WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

I can think of whatever nonsense I want and somewhere…

(WAYMOND SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(GROANS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(EVELYNS SCREAMING)

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WAYMOND SPEAKING)

(PANTING)

I did it.

WAYMOND: Huh?

Don’t forget these cookies.

Miss Deirdre really likes them.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

(SHATTERING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

(MEN VOCALISING)

(MEN SCATTING)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Come on.

(PEOPLE GIGGLING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, Mrs Wang.

Hey, Mom. So, about this morning…

Enough with your tricks.

What?

I know you’re in there.

Whoa.

Get out of my daughter.

(CHUCKLES) OK!

Mom, are you already drunk?

Hey, Becky.

Mmm-hmm?

Can you go help my dad with the party?

Now?

Yeah.

EVELYN: Go, Becky.

(BREATHING SHAKILY) Go. Go.

(BECKY MOUTHING)

Thanks, babe.

You see it all, don’t you?

You can see

how everything…

…is just a random rearrangement

of particles in a vibrating superposition.

(BLADE CLANGS)

(PRISON DOOR CLOSING)

I have no idea what you are talking about.

But I can do this.

EVELYN: Huh?

JOBU: But you see…

…how everything we do…

(EVELYN SCREAMING) Huh?

(BIRDSONG)

…gets washed away in a sea

of every other possibility?

(SPITTING)

(COUGHS)

JOBU: You’re everywhere.

You’re like me.

That’s right.

I’m the one you’re looking for.

I’m the one who’s going to defeat you.

(JOBU LAUGHS) OK.

Hit me.

Punch my face.

(YELLS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH GROANING)

Oh… (CRYING)

Oh! Ow! Ow!

Oh, stop!

Wow.

Hi, Dad.

We’re… we’re just practising karaoke for tonight.

(JOBU SINGS) ♪ La-la-la! ♪

I will take care of it!

She’ll take care of it, Dad.

Go.

Honey, you OK?

JOBU: It’s OK.

EVELYN: Go!

Yeah, I just fell on the couch.

EVELYN: Go!

OK.

EVELYN: Oh.

Ow…

He’s so sweet.

(SIGHS) OK.

Hey, hey, buddy!

If you don’t want to fight me, then…

Why?

Why what?

What… what’s all this for?

(SMACKING LIPS)

Why was I looking for you?

Yeah.

(EVELYN SIGHS)

Sit down.

Sit down, grab a snack,

make yourself comfortable, huh?

Oh, hey, you OK?

OK.

Mmm. We can speed this up.

(SIGHS)

Sit on the crack. (GRUNTS)

Sit on the crack of the couch, OK?

Get comfortable.

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING, BUZZING)

(EVELYN GASPS, SCREAMS)

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(ECHOING WHISPERING VOICES)

(BAGEL DEIRDRE WHISPERS) Bagel.

(GASPS AND GRUNTS)

Please, I don’t care about the bagel.

I don’t care about the Alpha verse.

I only care about my Joy.

Give me back my daughter

and I’ll leave you alone forever.

JOBU: Sorry! No can do.

Why not?

JOBU: I am your daughter. Your daughter is me.

Every version of Joy is Jobu Tupaki.

You can’t separate us.

No.

I have felt everything your daughter has felt.

And I know the joy…

…and the pain of having you as my mother.

EVELYN: Then you know I would do…

Only do the right thing for her, for you.

‘Right’ is a tiny box invented by people who are afraid

and I know what it feels like to be trapped inside that box.

Mom…

EVELYN: No, it’s not like that.

It’s Gong Gong.

He’s a different generation.

You don’t have to hide behind him anymore.

You should feel relieved.

The bagel will show you the true nature of things.

You’ll be free from that box, just like me.

EVELYN: No, no, I’m not like you.

You’re young and your mind is always changing.

I still know who I am.

You have no idea what you’ve done.

You’re stuck like this forever.

No, I’m going back with my Joy,

to my family, to live my life.

A happy life.

(SCOFFS) OK.

(UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING)

Good luck with that.

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

(DISTORTED EERIE MUSIC BUILDS)

WAYMOND: Thank you so much for coming.

(WAYMOND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(MUTED SPEECH)

WOMAN: Thank you. Thank your father.

(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

JOBU: All this time…

…I wasn’t looking for you so I could kill you.

I was just looking for someone who could see what I see.

Feel what I feel.

(WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JOBU: And that someone…

(FREQUENCY WARBLES, STATIC)

…is you.

(DEVICE POWERING UP, BEEPS)

WAYMOND: Evelyn!

You’re alive!

ALPHA GONG GONG: Impossible.

Hello?

(DEIRDRE ON PHONE) Mrs Wang?

Where… where are you?

I mean, to not even show up for your appointment?!

Shut up.

What did you just say?

EVELYN: I said shut up.

You don’t matter.

Whatever I did, I’m sorry.

Nothing matters.

DEIRDRE: Mrs Wang!

(DISTORTED) You are gonna be in serious trouble!

Do you understand?

For you to disrespect…

(PHONE BEEPS)

(MOVIE STAR EVELYN SPEAKING)

(LAUGHING)

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

(CHEERING IN MANDARIN)

Happy New Year!

Another year, hmm?

Pretending we know what we’re doing,

but, really, we’re just going around in circles.

Doing laundry and taxes,

and laundry and taxes.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

(MAN COUGHS)

No more running.

DEIRDRE: Excuse me.

Where are the owners? Oh.

There you are. Mr and Mrs Wang.

You have left me no option but to authorise the seizure

of your personal and your business assets.

You have to vacate…

Wait, Evelyn!

WOMAN: It’s just so good, you know?

What are you doing? No! No!

(DINERS GASPING)

RACCOON: My God, Chad, I told you she couldn’t be trusted!

Evelyn, please! Calm down.

DEIRDRE: ..within 48 hours or…

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(DISTORTED GRUNTING)

EVELYN: Everything…

(CACKLING)

(FLAPPING LIPS, LAUGHING)

Ugh!

(WIND WHISTLING)

WAYMOND: What are you doing?

JOBU: Not a single moment will go by

without every other universe

screaming for your attention.

Never fully there.

Just a lifetime of…

RACCOON: No, no!

…fractured moments.

CHAD: Raccaccoonie!

JOBU: ..contradictions and confusion…

CHAD: Get off me!

Chad, don’t forget about me.

Here are the papers.

Oh! Oh, officer?

OFFICER: OK, OK.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

…with only a few specks of time

where anything actually makes any sense.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I’ve always hated this place.

(GONG GONG AND WAYMOND SHOUTING)

(STIRRING MUSIC PLAYING)

(DEIRDRE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

CHAD: Raccaccoonie!

Chad!

(STIRRING MUSIC CONTINUES)

Get off me! Get off!

(MUSIC DARKENS)

Evelyn, why?!

(SCREAMING)

(EVELYNS SCREAMING)

(BIRDSONG)

(DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(JUMBLED CACOPHONOUS MUSIC)

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BODY THUDS)

(WIND WHOOSHES)

(SILENCE)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(WIND BLUSTERING)

(SLOW, DISTANT PIANO NOTES)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you know why I actually built the bagel?

It wasn’t to destroy everything.

It was to destroy myself.

I wanted to see if I went in, could I finally escape?

Like, actually die.

At least this way…

…I don’t have to do it alone.

(STATIC, DISTORTED VOICE)

DEIRDRE: You’re not listening.

This is out of my league…

Judge Brenner signed…

(WAYMOND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Well, excuse me! Excuse me, Mr Wang.

Every person I know is going through a hard time.

It’s a hard time…

JOBU: Evelyn!

Come back.

(DEIRDRE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

EVELYN: My silly husband.

Probably making things worse.

JOBU: Ignore it.

(SIGHS)

OK, you can let her go.

You, let her go. It’s OK. Yes!

Thank you.

(KEYS JANGLE)

How? That’s impossible.

JOBU: It’s just a statistical inevitability.

It’s nothing special.

(TEARFULLY) I don’t know.

I just talked to her.

(SNIFFLES)

(WAYMOND SINGING SOFTLY IN MANDARIN)

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CEO WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(LIGHTER CLICKS)

WAYMOND: Please!

(WAYMOND WHIMPERS)

Please!

Can we… can we just stop fighting?

(CEO WAYMOND CONTINUES IN MANDARIN)

I know you are all fighting

because you’re scared and confused.

I’m confused too.

All day…

…I don’t know what the heck is going on.

But somehow…

…this feels like it’s all my fault.

(CEO WAYMOND CONTINUES IN MANDARIN)

(WEEPING) I don’t know.

The only thing I do know…

…is that we have to be kind.

Please.

Be kind…

…especially when we don’t know what’s going on.

(CEO WAYMOND CONTINUES IN MANDARIN)

JOBU: Hey, Evelyn!

Bagel.

ALPHA GONG GONG: Evelyn… (CHUCKLES)

You can still turn around and avoid all this.

WAYMOND: Please…

…be kind.

It’s too late, Waymond.

(TREMBLING)

Don’t say that.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER ON TV)

(LAUGHING) Did you see that?

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

Ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh!

Huh! Found it!

JOY: Check this!

What song is this?

(RINGING RHYTHMICALLY)

(RINGING ECHOES)

WAYMOND: Thanks. Thank you for coming.

(MUTED CHATTER)

That’s very funny.

WAYMOND: Yeah, that’s it?

YOUNG JOY: Yeah!

(CEO WAYMOND SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC BUILDS)

(SINGING SOFTLY)

(SNIFFLING)

(DUSTPAN CLATTERS)

WAYMOND: I’m sorry too.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(INAUDIBLE)

(LAUGHING)

(INHALES)

JOBU: Oh!

(VOICE ECHOES) So cute!

Come on, Evelyn.

Come on.

Oh.

I get it.

Feeling a good thing.

You got your hopes up.

So I’m here to save you some time.

Eventually…

…that all just goes away.

(VOICE ECHOES) ..just goes away.

Come on.

(DARK MUSIC RISES)

(DRAMATIC SOMBRE MUSIC)

(SCREAMING)

JOBU: I don’t care if you come with me.

Enjoy your life.

(GRUNTS) Ugh!

Evelyn! Evelyn, please!

No more!

I don’t want to hurt you.

(EVELYN GRUNTING)

Joy, come back with me.

Joy! Joy!

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

What did my silly husband say to you?

He told me about your situation.

I remembered when my husband served me papers.

I drove his Kia Forte through my neighbour’s kitchen.

Huh!

But you know what I say?

It’s called, “Unlovable bitches like us…

“..make the world go ’round.”

(PLAYING PIANO)

EVELYN: Don’t stop playing.

Play something for me.

(PLAYING ‘CLAIR DE LUNE’)

That’s not true.

(DEIRDRE SIGHS)

You’re not unlovable.

You’re not unlovable!

What are you talking about?

There is always something to love.

Even in a stupid, stupid universe

where we have hot dogs for fingers,

we’d get very good with our feet.

(‘CLAIR DE LUNE’ CONTINUES)

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH CHOKING AND GRUNTING)

(DEIRDRE GASPS)

Oh!

(DEIRDRE EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

EVELYN: See?

OK.

(CRIES) I feel nothing.

I… I feel…

I feel… (SOBBING)

(CONTINUES PLAYING ‘CLAIR DE LUNE’)

(GUNS COCKING)

Don’t let her stop Jobu!

Open fire!

(INAUDIBLE)

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

(GRINDING)

(STATIC BUZZES)

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISTORTED STATIC)

So stupid!

(GENTLE MUSIC RISES)

(CRACKING)

WAYMOND: Evelyn?

What are you doing?

I’m learning to fight like you.

(GENTLE DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SWORD WHOOSHING)

(‘WEDDING MARCH’ PLAYING)

(MAN YELLING)

RICK: You know, Evelyn, my wife

used to wear that exact same perfume,

God rest her soul.

(GRUNTS)

DR EVELYN: These are direct indications

that there’s some impingement of the nervous system.

(GRUNTS)

DR EVELYN: With a little bit of help,

we could be seeing things nice and straight.

(YELLING AND GASPING)

DR EVELYN: You might feel a little sore,

but everything is looking pretty good.

Thank you.

Clean up in there, alright?

(MUFFLED YELLING)

Hah!

(GRAND MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISTORTED GROANING)

(PULSATING DRAMATIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(WHEELCHAIR BEEPING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

(PANTING)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

You took everything away from me.

I’m sorry.

(SOBBING) Raccaccoonie taught me so much!

I… I didn’t even know

how to boil an egg

and he taught me how to spin it on a spatula.

I’m useless alone.

(GASPS)

We’re all useless alone.

It’s a good thing you’re not alone.

Oh!

Let’s go rescue your silly raccoon.

(EXCLAIMING AND GRUNTING)

Oh, we’re gonna do it!

(PANTING)

(BOTH SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(ALL YELLING)

Arggh!

(POPPING)

(DOG WHIMPERING)

Oh-ho-ho!

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

(DEEP WHIRRING)

(GONG GONG GRUNTS) Get out of the way!

(EVELYN GRUNTING)

(EVELYN GROANING)

(BOTH ARGUING)

(EVELYN SPEAKING)

ACTRESS EVELYN: Waymond!

JOBU: See?

It’s only a matter of time

before everything balances itself out.

Come on, come on, come on!

CHAD: I can’t.

I’m sorry, Raccaccoonie! I’m sorry!

(WHIRRING)

(GROANING)

(WHISPERING) Evelyn, let her go.

(SIGHS)

But she turned out to be stubborn,

aimless, a mess.

Just like her mother.

But now I see.

It’s OK that she’s a mess.

Because just like me…

Huh.

(GASPS)

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

(WIND BLUSTERING)

(WHIRRING)

(DRAMATIC CHORAL SINGING ECHOES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC RISES)

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIM)

Well, maybe you win in this universe,

but in another time…

(BOTH GRUNTING)

…I beat you!

Ohh!

Or we tie!

(BOTH CONTINUE GRUNTING)

(BIRDSONG)

JOBU: Or we just…

…hang around.

EVELYN: OK, Joy, listen.

(EVELYN GRUNTS)

Because it’s all just a pointless

swirling bucket of bullshit.

Huh!

(METAL SCREECHES)

That bagel is where we finally find peace, Evelyn.

Stop calling me Evelyn!

(YELLS)

I

Am

Your

mother!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(EVELYN WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

(WHIRRING)

Ah Ba?

(JOBU GRUNTING)

(JOY SHOUTS) Seriously?

Can you please just…

…stop?!

Mom.

Just… just stop.

Good for you. You’re figuring your shit out.

And that’s great. I’m really, really happy for you.

But I’m…

…I’m tired.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

And for some reason when I’m with you, it just…

…it just hurts the both of us.

So let’s just go our separate ways, OK?

Just let me go.

(SOFTLY) OK.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(WIND BLUSTERING)

(YOUNG JOY LAUGHING)

Wait.

You are getting fat.

And you never call me

even though we have a family plan.

What?

And it’s free.

You only visit when you need something.

And you got a tattoo and I don’t care

if it’s supposed to represent our family.

You know I hate tattoos.

And of all the places I could be,

why would I want to be here with you?

Yes, you’re right.

It doesn’t make sense.

WAYMOND: Evelyn!

Let her finish.

Maybe it’s like you said.

Maybe there is something out there,

some new discovery

that will make us feel

like even smaller pieces of shit.

Something that explains why

you still went looking for me

through all of this noise.

And why,

no matter what,

I still want to be here with you.

I will always…

…always…

…want to be here with you.

So what? You…

You’re just gonna ignore everything else?

You could be anything, anywhere.

Why not go somewhere where your…

…where your daughter is more than just…

…this? (LAUGHS BITTERLY)

Here, all we get

are a few specks of time

where any of this actually makes any sense.

Then I will cherish

these few specks of time.

(DEVICE POWERING DOWN)

You push the button.

Yeah, there you go.

I feel like I’m 14.

(COUGHS)

Yeah.

EVELYN: You’re a crazy woman!

DEIRDRE: Takes one to know one.

I’m sorry, Raccaccoonie! I’m sorry!

What are you doing?

Grab my hair.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

What did he say? (CHUCKLES)

(SOBBING)

(MUSIC RISES)

(YELLS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(TRADITIONAL SINGING)

(ALL SINGING) ♪ We’re a family… ♪

(YELLING)

♪ Family… ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

(BOTH SOBBING)

(WAYMOND CHUCKLES)

This is so awkward.

This is awkward, right?

Do you still want to do your party?

We can do whatever we want.

Nothing matters.

(JOY CHUCKLING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

JOY: OK, we’re definitely late now, guys.

Do you have to bring all these?

Mmm-hmm.

That needs to go in the bag too.

(JOY SCOFFS) Taxes suck.

(JOY HUMMING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Thank you for the ride, Becky!

Hey, it’s good.

Mmm-hmm. You got this, OK?

Becky?

I’ll call you after.

You need to grow your hair.

(CHUCKLING)

Wow.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I’ll call you later!

EVELYN: Hurry, hurry!

I gotta pee. Hold on.

OK. Hurry.

(SECURITY SCANNER BEEPING)

(CHUCKLES, SPEAKS MANDARIN)

DEIRDRE: OK. Yes.

I am happy to say I do think

things are better.

This is… this is an improvement.

And I’m glad that you listened.

But we have a problem

because you listened, but you didn’t listen

and that has to do with the Schedule C.

You see, you did…

(INDISTINCT VOICES ECHO)

(SINGING AND CHATTERING OVERLAP)

DEIRDRE: Evelyn! Did you hear me?

Sorry. What did you say?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC CRESCENDOS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

SONG: ♪ This is a life

♪ Free from destiny

♪ Not only what we sow

♪ Not only what we show

♪ Ooh

♪ This is a life

♪ Every possibility

♪ Free from destiny

♪ I choose you and you choose me

♪ Not only what we sow

♪ Every space and every time

♪ Not only what we show

♪ What we know

♪ This is a light

♪ Many lives that could’ve been

♪ Free from entropy

♪ Entangled for eternity

♪ Not only hands and toes

♪ Not only what we’ve known

♪ We find

♪ This life

♪ Somehow

♪ Alright

♪ This is a life

♪ Slow and sudden miracles

♪ View of other worlds

♪ From our windowsills

♪ With the weight

♪ Of eternity

♪ At the speed of light

♪ This is a life

♪ This is our life. ♪

SONG: ♪ I love you, I love you

♪ I love you, I love you

♪ I love you, I love you

♪ I love you, I love you

♪ I love you, I love you

♪ I love you, I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I love

♪ You

♪ Ohh! ♪

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