Die Hart: The Movie (2023) | Transcript

Follows a fictionalized version of Kevin Hart, as he tries to become an action movie star. He attends a school run by Ron Wilcox, where he attempts to learn the ropes on how to become one of the industry's most coveted action stars.
Die Hart: The Movie (2023)

[bell ringing]

[man] All right, who’s ready to have a good time, huh?

That’s right. So welcome here.

Uh, show of hands, how many people have been to a taping of a TV show before?

Thank you.

Okay, just remember, the movie’s hilarious.

Everyone buy tickets.

Let me ask you a question.

Yeah?

Do you think I’m good in the movie?

Come on, Kev, I’m your agent.

Of course, I think you’re good in the movie.

You know who else thinks you’re good in the movie?

The studio. Now, go knock ’em dead.

Big smiles, big laughs, you’re America’s funny man.

[man] The house band’s gonna play a little bit for ya,

and, uh, we’re gonna have a great time, all right?

America’s funny man.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, now, Kev, people are just raving about this new movie of yours.

Oh, my God, they are raving.

You are working with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson,  playing his comedy sidekick again.

What is this, the sixth time now?

Number six.

How do you keep it so fresh?

I mean, look, Dwayne and I are, um, you know, we’re friends.

Lucky.

Hashtag, Jealous.

[laughing]

He’s lucky, too. He’s lucky, too.

But, I mean, look, when you are friends, you feed off of each other, that energy, of course, transfers.

But, uh, I don’t know, I would like to think of my-my characters as-as heroes as well.

[laughing]

I don’t know… I don’t know why the laugh.

I’m very serious.

You know, I’ve actually I’ve been… I’ve been trying to become a leading man, you know, do more of an action star thing, but I’ve been-I’ve been somewhat typecast.

For some reason, people only see me as the funny guy.

You make me laugh.

No.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Glad-glad, you know, appreciate it.

I’m not an easy audience. [laughing]

Yeah, you know, but it’s just it’s… I can do more than show up and do the funny or do the dance. I’m…

Would you, though?

Would you do that dance?

Come on.

Come on!

Who wants to see Kevin dance, huh?

We’ll get the “Macarena” going.

No. No.

I’m not… I’m not gonna dance.

Next time. Next time then, for sure.

Now, here’s just a question.

Like, okay, when you… When you see Idris Elba, right, you see him and you go, “Wow, that’s an action star”.

But if you took six inches off of Idris,

nobody… Nobody’s gonna give a shit.

Okay-okay, just…

Okay.

Gentle reminder here, it’s a live broadcast.

Got it. But you get my point.

Nobody’s gonna care.

Right.

All right, if he was smaller.

I mean, I don’t think I know any action stars that are 5’7″. Can we name one?

There’s, um… Oh, there’s Mr. Tom Cruise.

Oh, wonderful.

Who we love. A favorite here on the show.

Okay. Tom Cruise. That’s one. All right.

Jackie Chan.

Yeah!

Isn’t he great.

Oh, he’s a little guy.

I feel like you’re being a dick.

Is-Is this a bit?

Are you guys… is this a bit?

I-I think it may have been. Getting back to the movie, tell us-tell us just how great this movie is.

The, uh, the movie’s garbage.

Sorry?

Yeah, the movie’s garbage.

Take the movie, ball it up, throw it in the trash can.

How many times do you need to see me in a car with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?

And I’m the comedy sidekick, and he’s saving lives, and I got a catchphrase, “Oh, hell no”?

We love it when you say that.

Oh, good. Can you do it again?

Here’s my question. Why can’t I be an action star?

I read something online about you being afraid of woodland creatures.

Oh, yes.

About me what?

Beaver? It was it a squirrel?

Squirrel.

A squirrel.

It was a squirrel.

Yes.

That you have a fear of squirrels.

Who’s afraid of a squirrel?

I’m not fuckin’ afraid of a squirrel.

Okay.

Ooh.

I’m not afraid of shit!

Okay, you’ve said it.

You’ve made your point there.

I’m not afraid of shit, and I’m more than just a guy that does comedy.

I’m a fuckin’ action star, all right?

So why don’t you start taking me a little serious?

Tell me what I am and what I’m not.

If I didn’t have what the fuck it takes, would I show this? Or that?

Back up.

Yep.

Kev, Kev, Kev.

Kev, hey, you gotta go back out there.

Say it was a joke.

I’m not telling them it was a joke.

You don’t get it, man.

All right? I’m trying to be taken seriously.

My whole life, I’ve dreamed of becoming an action hero.

Well, you know, maybe instead of dreaming, you should just stay in your own lane.

What the fuck did you just say?

What are you doin’?

Ooh!

Pssshhh…

That was a bit. Doin’ a bit.

♪♪♪

[Kevin Hart] I’m not afraid of [BLEEP]!

[Mikey] Okay, you’ve said it. You’ve made your point there.

[Kevin] I’m not afraid of [BLEEP].

[Mikey] Yup.

[Kevin] And I’m more than just a guy that does comedy.

I’m a [BLEEP] action star, all right?

So why don’t you start [BLEEP] [BLEEP]?

[Leah] That was our star, Kevin Hart.

And apparently he’s… going through something.

To say the least. You don’t see Tom Cruise…

[phone vibrating]

I already know what you’re gonna say.

You’re gonna say apologize, then after that…

No, no, no, Kev, it’s too late to apologize.

The studio already removed you from the fuckin’ billboard.

So I’m done? Just like that, I’m done?

Maybe not.

Claude Van De Velde wants to meet with you.

Claude Van De Velde?

You talking about the director?

Yes, Claude Van De Velde, director of four of the six biggest action movies of all time, saw the interview… and wants to meet.

Why?

You know what? It don’t matter.

It doesn’t even fucking matter.

I’m there. Okay? I’m there.

Oh, shit.

♪♪♪

I have seen all your films. I like all your films.

But you, Kevin, you don’t like your films.

Wow, you can tell, huh?

Of course I can tell.

You and I, we are the same.

My movies have grossed billions of dollars.

Who cares?

Yeah.

I mean, it’s not about the money, right?

It is about finding yourself inside an artistic expression.

Yes.

I want to find you, Kevin.

Will you let me find you?

You found me. I’m right here, man.

My next project is a serious gritty action film.

It requires a serious, gritty actor.

You, Kevin.

I want you in the leading role.

Holy shit, man. You gotta be…

Excuse you. Watch it, man.

My apologies, sir.

Mark Wahlberg would not scream at a party server.

Oh, I didn’t scream. I didn’t scream.

An action star is tough, confident, unfazed by minor details that disrupt the average person.

Yeah, I-I was unfazed.

I wasn’t fazed at all from that.

If you really want this part, I need you to attend a training program.

All the best action stars have gone through it.

Are you talkin’ like action star school?

Stallone, Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, they’re all alums.

I just kind of assumed all those guys had to have the juice. The mojo.

Do you remember what Matt Damon was before he was Jason Bourne?

Yeah. He just won an Oscar.

Neither do I.

This program turned a no-name Matt Damon into a leading man revered around the world.

Look, with all due respect, I don’t need that. I don’t… I don’t need none of that.

I’m ready now.

I’m ready right now.

Down here, Kevin.

You don’t think you need training?

You want the part right now?

Well, your new body is waiting for you on that rooftop.

Go and get it.

♪♪♪

[exhales]

Oh, shit! Ahh!

[gasping]

Help! Help me! Help me!

So good.

He’s doing his famous “help me” scene from “Ride Along 2”.

Help!

[applause]

[Danny Morrison] Look, Kev, I don’t love the idea of you driving out to the middle of nowhere to go to some…

[Kevin] Action star school.

[Danny] Right, yes. That.

Kev, maybe we just wait a little longer.

Eventually, the studios will forget how badly you fucked up, and they’ll offer you a new sidekick role.

No, this is my time to shine.

You believe in me, don’t you?

Don’t you? Danny?

[phone beeping] You believe in… Oh, shit.

Damn reception.

♪♪♪

Oh, hell no.

Ron Wilcox?

[squirrel chatters] Oh, shit.

Don’t be a bitch, Kevin.

Be Academy Award-winning Matt Damon.

Get the fuck off my car.

Uh…

Hello?

Anybody here?

Claude Van De Velde, he sent me.

I don’t know, you tell me what you wanna tell me.

Why are you here? Why are you here?

Where’s my nephew at?

Uh, fellas?

What do you mean where’s your nephew?

I don’t know where the fuck your nephew is.

Hey, excuse me?

Now you don’t trust me?

I know you murdered my nephew, Rodrigo.

Bullshit, motherfucker! I didn’t murder Rodrigo.

Look, you got your money. I got my shipment.

I don’t know where Rodrigo is.

Maybe he’s fucking your mother.

Oh, training has already begun.

Okay. Uh…

You. You. Oh, come on! Bring it! Bring it!

Come on, bring that bat, motherfucker!

Hey!

You wanna push somebody around?

Try me out.

Hey, and what are you, a tough guy?

Goddamn right, I’m a tough guy.

North Philadelphia tough.

I’m Kevin motherfucking…

[ringing droning]

[inhaling deeply] Ah!

What the hell happened?

Welcome to Ron Wilcox Action Star School.

I’m Ron Wilcox, and that was your first lesson.

Gettin’ hit in the head with a bat?

Oh, you are naive. That was a prop bat.

It that was made of plastic.

Wasn’t goddamn plastic.

I’ve been hit with a bat before, I know what a metal bat fuckin’ feel like.

All right.

Hey, Mr. Van De Velde told me to tell him if you complain about anything being too difficult.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

I’m not complaining.

Mm-hmm.

I’m not complaining about nothing.

I loved that.

I thought it was great, to be honest with you, it gave me a rush.

Good. Let’s take the tour.

Yeah.

Come on.

This place is to be a slaughterhouse up till the ’70s.

And then, as legend has it, the animals revolted against their tormentors and they slaughtered the humans.

Oh, my God.

And my pal, Charles Norris, you know him as Chuck, well, he needed a place to train.

I bought it. I mentored him.

And that’s why he’s the badass that he is today.

Hmm…

Yeah, he nearly died within these walls.

And that’s how Ron Wilcox Action Star School got born.

Ron Wilcox A.S.S., for short.

What the fuck did you just say to me?

Did Matt Da… Matt Damon, go here?

Oh, Matty boy! Fuck yeah, Matt Damon!

Before he came to me, he was a no name actor from New England. He was nothing.

He was a hundred pounds soakin’ wet.

You sure we’re talking about the same Matt Damon?

Hell yeah. Matt Damon!

[cell phone ringing]

Huh. Okay. Yeah…

Un-unh. Rule number one, no phones ’til you graduate.

Okay. I run an empire, so unfortunately, I need my…

Okay, fine, you know what I’ll do?

I’ll just call Mr. Van De Velde, and I tell him, “Oh, the phone policy “wasn’t working for him. It wasn’t to his liking.”

I know what you’re gonna do with this.

You’re going to make calls to Hollywood.

You’re gonna say, “Hello, Hollywood. Ron’s school is too tough for me. I need more drugs.”

No.

Yeah, you’re gonna say, “Oh, I’m Kevin Hart.

“I need more caviar and champagne.”

I just wanna talk to my employees.

That’s fine, but I’m still keeping it.

Okay.

Okay, until you graduate, you are forbidden from visiting the outside world.

You’ll stay here.

Say what?

You got your bed, you got your toilet, you got your sink. All the modern amenities.

[water running sputtering, pipes creaking]

Okay.

It’s supposed to toughen me up.

Okay, I get it.

Yeah, I’m good with that.

Yeah, might be a little too good with it.

And rule number two, No fucking on the premises.

No anal, no blowjobs, no nothin’.

Who else is here?

Just me.

Twenty minutes ’til lights out.

So those…

Those two Colombian guys that hit me in the head with the prop bat, they were actors, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, rule number three,

When you’re under this roof, your name is no longer Kevin, it’s Agent Hart, and you’ll refer to me as Ron Wilcox, or Ron, or Wilcox, or Coach Ron.

I like Coach Ron.

And I refer to you as…

Agent Hart.

Right.

Right.

Yes.

See, I’m on it.

Now I assume you got me in this FBI jacket and stuff for a reason. So, what is it?

Hey, would you do me a favor?

Yeah.

Kevin, would you grab that chair for me?

Yeah.

Would you?

You mean this one?

No, goddammit!

I said respond only to Agent Hart!

Fuck!

You just said that. I fucked up. I’m sorry.

That’s not gonna happen again.

Why don’t you just call me Kevin?

Okay, in your life, have you ever heard an action star leading man ever called Kevin?

I mean, Kevin James in “Mall Cop”.

No, no. Kevin is the name of a punk bitch.

Ethan Hunt, that is an action star name.

Tom Cruise was my alumni.

For nine years of his life, he only responded to Ethan Hunt whether he was on-camera or off-camera.

Whether he was in the shower, or on the toilet.

Whether he was fucking, or not fucking.

Okay, I…

If he was even…

I understand, Coach Ron!

Do you? Do you really?

I hope so, for your sake.

Because your life depends on it.

Okay, next lesson.

Every leading man needs to know how to run into a burning building and save a stranger.

Hmm.

Wow!

Holy shit. How’d you do that, man?

And the stranger that we are going to save today is our own action star dummy, little Kevin.

That’s supposed to be me?

I don’t see the resemblance.

Are you fucking kidding?

No, w-we’ve had this dummy for years, buddy.

[Kevin] Oh, hell, no.

Bitch, that’s my line.

I’ve said that line in, like, twelve movies.

Agent Hart, are you a narcissist?

No.

Do you think the whole world is all about you?

That’s not… I’m not…

No.

You look at you and then you look at him.

That’s what…

Look at you, and look at him.

Do you see any resemblance?

Kind of sort of, man!

O-Okay, all right. Okay, maybe I’m crazy.

[Kevin] Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no! Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no!

Now, safety during stunts is of the utmost importance.

Yeah, but I mean, that’s why you got stuntmen, right?

Watch it.

No, for the other guys, not for me.

T-the lightweights. I don’t…

Okay, your jacket is flame retardant, which means that if you catch on fire,

don’t panic, I will come in and put you out.

Okay. Y-You’re gonna…

Okay, I feel-I feel good… I feel good about that.

When you’re ready, I want you to storm the house, find the victim, and bring him to safety.

[growling]

What is that?

What are you doing? I do…

[barking]

Psyching myself up.

[barking]

[howling]

It’s hot! Hot!

[barking]

[coughing]

It’s fucking hot!

Where the fuck are you at? Oh, God.

Oh, fuck, I can’t see shit!

Little Kev?

Excuse me, are you Ron Wilcox?

Oh, hello. How are you?

Jordan King.

We’ve been waiting for you.

Help! Help me!

I’ve got you, little Kev.

Oh, hell no!

I’m about to save your little beautiful black ass.

Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no!

What the fuck?

Who is this?

Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no!

What the…

Help! Help me! Oh, hell no!

It’s fucking hot!

Get your ass up.

Yeah, um, I’m just so nervous.

I’ve never been in an action movie before.

I just wanna bring my A-game here.

90% is mental, okay?

Oh, shit… Oh, shit!

You are gonna be fantastic. [screaming]

I just know it.

Oh, shit.

Is he okay?

Oh, God.

You leave this guy alone for five seconds.

Geez.

Put me out! Put me out!

Put me out! Put me out! Put me out!

Is he okay?

Oh, he’s fine.

Gal Gadot was training with me, she was on fire for twelve minutes.

She put herself out with a blanket.

He barely lasted twelve seconds.

Is this funny to you?

Hey, a leading man must learn not to sweat the small stuff.

What are you talking about the small stuff?

I was on fucking fire, Coach Ron!

Hey, knock it off!

There’s a lady present, and I want you to meet her.

Agent Hart, this is Agent Jordan King.

She’ll be your bunkmate.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

My pleasure. Okay, you wanna explain to me why she get this nice introduction?

Why isn’t she getting hit in the head with a bat?

When are you gonna bop her?

Excuse me?

Okay, you know, just…

When he does this kind of thing, I just zone him out.

When he starts to whine. Come on, I’ll give you a tour.

Okay.

Now, this used to be a slaughterhouse years ago, up until the 70’s…

♪♪♪

…which brings me to rule number two.

There’ll be no sexual intercourse on the premises.

Uh, yeah, um, that won’t be a problem.

[laughter]

I didn’t think it would be.

I know you have to say it. I-It’s fine, we’re good.

All right. So, hey, take a beat, okay?

Relax, and we’ll see you out in twenty on the training ground, okay?

Thanks, Ron. You’re the best.

Hey, it’s a pleasure.

[laughing]

He’s a fucking sociopath.

How do you mean?

How do I mean?

Do you really wanna know how I mean?

Because I was here a couple days ago and shit hit the fan.

There was a guy in here accusing him of murdering some dude named Rodrigo.

Rodrigo?

Yes, Rodrigo.

Saw a whole thing.

And when I first walked in this bitch, they hit me in the head with a bat.

Not no plastic bat. With a fucking metal bat!

And today, today he let me catch myself on fire!

“Let me catch myself on fire”?

I don’t know why you gotta sound it out.

Yes. Let me catch… No, I see why you did that.

Because if you slow it down, you slow down, it don’t sound right.

But you get what I’m saying.

It happened. It fucking happened.

Look, I’m sorry, all right?

It’s just, I don’t have my phone, it’s weird in here, and stuff is just starting to fuck with me.

Maybe-maybe I’m going a little stir crazy.

I don’t know.

That’s shit. That’s shit water.

Yep, God damn.

Well, you’re not alone anymore, so…

Yeah, well, maybe, but… Hey, do I know you?

Oh.

I do! Fuck!

You’re the girl from that sitcom with the robot.

The robot that was a butler, right?

You used to argue with the butler, “Uh-uh, get the fuck out of here”.

You’d do the thing, “Butler, bitch”.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That’s me.

Wow.

Well, was. I just quit.

Kathryn Bigelow offered me the lead in her next movie, which is huge, since there are, like, what, three total action roles for women?

Oh, it’s a lot more than that.

But congrats.

Are you… I mean, you want me to name ’em?

I can go down the list. You got Wonder Woman, right?

You know, the Black Widow.

You got, um, what was the one with the woman with the, uh…

She’s, uh… what’s… That’s three.

Anyway, um, it’s all riding on this action school.

I’ve just gotta prove to Ron that I’ve got the chops, that I’m fit enough.

You ain’t gotta prove that to nobody.

You are fit.

When you walked in that door I said, “God damn.”

Not like that.

I’m not saying it like that. I don’t mean it that way.

I’m just here to train…

Yeah.

…not make friends. So, just to be clear.

We’re-we’re here for the same thing, right?

Fuck friendship.

Good.

Yeah.

Mind if I use the bathroom?

Do what you gotta do.

The bathroom right there.

Yeah, I’m gonna need you to just…

Oh. You gotta shit.

Now in this lesson, we’re going to focus and explore the action star’s motivations.

Agent King, what is your motivation?

After working undercover in Paris, I go down to the basement of the Louvre, where I thwart the theft of an ancient Egyptian artifact when I’m accosted by a rogue agent.

Good, Agent Hart.

Accost?

That’s a little strong, isn’t it?

What the fuck? Focus. Focus.

And…

Okay, all right. I-I’m an agent.

Yes.

I’m an agent, and, um, basically, I gotta-I gotta go get Agent King.

I gotta seduce… I gotta seduce Agent King in the basement of the Louvre.

And just a question, is this, like, some James Bond fan fiction?

And, action.

Agent King?

Who wants to know?

Agent Hart.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Not so fast.

Look, you’re in great danger, and the only cure for it is to come with me to my bed.

♪♪♪

Seduce her, god damn it!

[screaming]

Seduce her. Lure her into the car.

In the car.

In my car.

Fucking creep.

[groans]

What the fuck was that?

Beautiful, beautiful.

Keep going. Keep going.

What the fuck you mean, “Keep going”?

What the fuck, man?

Do you have a problem, Agent Hart?

Yeah, I got a problem, motherfucker!

What is it?

She’s Bruce Lee, and I’m some weird creeper.

Oh, it’s too challenging for you to seduce her.

Is that it?

Uh, yes, it is.

When you got me, looking…

I see what you’re doing.

You’re trying to get me all riled up.

It’s not gonna work.

I’m not falling for your little trap and I’m not going back over here to fight this fucking jujitsu master with sexy talk.

Oh, you want a change of motivation?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

This is your new motivation.

She’s a Russian mole pretending to be an FBI agent.

You eliminate her with this.

It’s a prop knife, right?

Retractable.

Now go in there and show her who’s boss.

Now we’re fucking talking.

You said she’s a Russian mole, right?

Okay, I don’t like that. Down goes the mole, huh?

Shit! Oh, god damn it.

Hey, I’m about to stab you in the side, okay?

With… it’s a prop knife.

What the?

Oh, you gotta sell it. Make it look real.

[shouts]

Ah, what the fuck?

Ah!

Real blood.

Oh, my God.

What have you done to her?

What have you done to her?

I’m so sorry.

I thought-I thought you said it was retractable.

I said it was practical.

It’s a practical knife! It’s a real knife!

Oh, my God.

Oh God.

She’s passing out now.

Oh, shit!

I’m gonna have to stitch her up.

I’ve got a medical kit in my office.

Fine, I will grab it.

No!

Ow, ow, ow.

Go to your room.

You’re grounded!

No.

What are you talking about? I’ll go grab it.

No!

My office is off limits to students.

♪♪♪

I said my office is off limits.

If you disobey me again, the next time I throw that knife will be through your fucking skull.

♪♪♪

Hey.

I brought you some breakfast as a peace offering.

The food here is a little tricky.

It’s just a closet full of beef jerky.

Apparently, Macho Man Randy Savage was an alum here and he left his entire food supply to Ron in his will, so…

Snap into a Slim Jim?

Care to join me for breakfast?

Of course. Jerky for two.

Hmm.

Um, look, I’m going to apologize.

You know, I didn’t mean to…

Stab me?

Well, I wasn’t gonna use those words.

Look, Ron… Ron is crazy.

I’m serious. He’s-he’s nuts.

Sick in the head crazy.

And I’m convinced that that motherfucker killed a dude named Rodrigo.

And the motherfucker tried to kill me just for being around his office.

And as far as your arm goes, I know you think I’m lying, I heard retractable.

You know, I’ve dated guys like you before.

It’s always someone else’s fault.

That’s not true.

That’s not true at all. When I’m wrong, I… I shouldn’t say that, ’cause I’m never wrong.

If… If I’m wrong, I have no problem admitting that I’m wrong.

But in this case, I’m not. He said “retractable.”

Hey, part of me is glad you stabbed me.

It’s a badge of honor.

I heard when Jason Statham came through here, he got stabbed directly in the heart.

Did he survive that?

He shot “Transporter” like a week later.

What the fuck? In the heart?

They stabbed him in the heart?

Yup, right through it.

God damn it.

Maybe I’m just doing the wrong fucking thing here.

I mean, maybe this just isn’t for me, you know?

So just leave. Go home.

I’m sure there’s a real hero somewhere in need of a goofy sidekick.

Okay, that backfired.

I thought that you would go the opposite direction and tell me that, no, I should stay.

And that this is for me.

That’s what I thought.

Well what do you want me to say?

If you need extra motivation to be the star of a Claude Van De Velde movie, you’re in the wrong business.

This is probably my only shot to be a big action star, so I’m not gonna blow it.

I’ll do anything it takes.

You’re right.

You are absolutely right.

I need to stop all the bitching and moaning.

I need to cowboy the fuck up.

There you go.

When I first started in the business training action stars, every stunt scene was practical, or as Kevin might say, retractable.

Oh, that’s really good. That’s great.

It’s not funny.

But the industry has changed.

You can’t even be an action star without, well, knowing how to work green.

I’m very familiar with a green screen.

I mean, I’ve done about 15 movies where we’ve had a green screen.

In which of those 15 movies were you the leading man?

Any idiot can jump on a green screen and pretend to be eaten by a CG dragon.

Hell, even little Kevin can do that.

Oh, hell no!

Okay, who’s finding the time to dress him like me?

It’s really…

Okay, question, what does a leading woman, or leading man, get to do onscreen that sidekicks don’t?

Win fights.

Murder bad guys.

Make love.

Today’s lesson is in love making.

Yes! On the green screen.

Are we doing it on the green screen?

Bingo.

Nice.

Adding effects to the bed, to the walls, cracking ’em.

Okay, I’m gonna be candid, I don’t want to do a sex scene with him.

That’s fine, ’cause I don’t wanna do a sex scene with her.

Ugh.

[laughter]

What’s so funny?

Okay, well, look at you, and then look at her.

And look at you, then her. Then you, then her.

Okay, I don’t get the joke.

What is it? What am I missing?

All right, let me put it another way.

Uh, look at you, and then look at her.

Then look at you, and then her.

Can we just get this shit over with, please?

Okay, let’s discuss motivation.

All right, now, after almost killing each other, Agent Hart and Agent King discover that they’re on the same team.

After defusing a bomb at the top of a skyscraper in-in the middle of an earthquake, you discover this overwhelming passion for each other.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We’re at the top of a skyscraper in the middle of an earthquake?

Yes! Yes! Goddamn it!

You are the dumbest actor that I have ever worked with.

Go! Action!

Red wire or blue wire?

It’s gotta be the red.

Are you sure?

Agent Hart, are you sure?

I don’t know.

[beeping]

♪♪♪

[relieved sighs]

♪♪♪

Earthquake! Earthquake!

The building’s falling apart!

Oh, uh, Okay, um…

Okay.

Good… great.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Shit! Hold on.

Wait… Oh.

Where you at? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Kevin.

Hold on, wait!

Give me a second. Shit!

Okay.

Okay.

All right, come on. It’s an earthquake.

It’s an earthquake, fuck.

Yeah.

Go.

Agent Hart, I can’t believe we just diffused that bomb.

We just saved thousands of lives, maybe millions.

This earthquake’s gotta be about a 7.5 magnitude.

This could be our last time being together before we die.

Now kiss her neck softly and start fucking.

What? Wait.

Kiss-kiss her neck and then start fucking?

Kiss her neck softly and start fucking!

Oh, okay.

I’m just gonna do it, ’cause that’s what he’s…

Yeah, no, it’s fine.

Yeah, put your… Give me that.

[Ron] Be sexy! Do something!

Grab my leg.

Yeah, give me this one.

Have you never had sex before?

Do it!

That’s not…

We need to be upright.

One second, that’s it.

Give me that.

[Ron] Go! Go!

Agent Hart, no. We shouldn’t do this.

It’s against Bureau protocol.

Well, protocol was meant to be broken.

Ah, whoa! Ah, help!

Help! Don’t drop me! Don’t drop me!

Please don’t let go! Don’t let go!

I won’t, I’ve got you.

Don’t let go!

I’ve got you, I promise.

[Claude] Can you push in a little closer?

Help me! Help me!

I’m too young to die.

Any closer, they’ll see the cameras.

Okay, good, hold there. [Kevin screaming]

I got you.

Perfect.

Help!

Kevin,

you’re like one foot off the ground.

You cannot teach acting like that.

[Jordan King] I’m just gonna let you down, okay?

[Kevin] Ah!

[owl hooting]

Okay, lights out, twenty minutes.

No funny business.

And no fucking!

♪♪♪

Now do you believe me?

He’s a fucking psychopath.

Okay, it does seem like an odd coincidence your wires just snapped.

Coincidence? [indistinct]

Those lines are strong enough to hold a goddamn elephant.

Where’s your phone at?

He confiscated it.

♪♪♪

Kevin, he said lights out. We can’t leave.

He’s not my camp counselor.

You know what I’m gonna do?

I’m about to go, I’m about to get my phone back, and I’mma see what other weird shit he hide in this office that he don’t want me to see.

Kevin, don’t.

♪♪♪

[knocking]

Claude.

Ronny, baby!

[laughter]

Garçon.

Have a seat.

Ah.

Uh, pull up scene 12, please.

Have a seat.

This is a bad idea.

This is a good idea.

Wilcox won’t murder me in front of you.

Come on, there’s his office. Come on.

Shit!

Do you have a bobby pin?

Yeah, yeah,

it’s in the bun on the back of my fucking head.

Okay, don’t be an asshole.

I’ll find a paperclip. Excuse me.

Wait, you know how to pick a lock?

South side of Chicago, born and raised.

It’s not North Philadelphia, but I’m not gonna hold it against you.

Got it.

Hey.

[coughing]

Oh, God! Oh, fuck, I can’t see shit.

[coughing] Where you at?

[Kevin] Help! Help me!

I’ve got you, little Kev.

Oh, hell no!

[screaming] Help!

It’s fucking hot!

Oh, whoa.

You damn right. It is authentic.

He doesn’t even know he’s being filmed.

Exactly.

I’ve been chasing for this cinema verite style of realistic hard action filmmaking for years.

It is my white whale, my unicorn.

All I needed was an actor who was fragile, vulnerable, afraid of being forgotten.

Afraid of being forgotten.

Thank you, Kevin. You’re a gift.

Thank you, thank you.

Any questions, uh, for tomorrow’s scenes?

Oh, no.

[speaking French]

I should get back to the set.

Bonsoir.

Bonsoir.

[speaking French]

Merci.

Again.

Hey, can I… Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

So you… you remember earlier today when we were shooting the scene on green screen, like-like right before the wire snapped, you kind of seemed like you was…

Like you were really into it.

It’s called acting.

You acted like you wanted to kiss me.

Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

♪♪♪

Come on, let’s go.

The fuck. Stealing my shit.

Hollywood bitch.

♪♪♪

You got anything?

Nope, you?

Got a drawer full of old head shots.

Oh.

“Coach Ron, you are the bright light in the darkest parts of my soul.”

What the fuck does that mean?

We should get out of here soon.

No, we shouldn’t.

I know there’s some stuff in here that he don’t want us to see.

You just gotta look for it.

He probably got one of them, like, secret compartments somewhere.

Got it! [latch clicking]

Oh, bingo.

Holy shit.

Here, I got another lock for you to pick.

What do you think’s in there?

Don’t know.

Some shit he don’t want nobody to find.

[distant door opening]

Shit!

♪♪♪

Get your ass.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Oh, isn’t this interesting?

Well, I know that you’re both pretending to be asleep, and that’s fine.

It’s probably the best acting that either of you will ever do in your entire lives.

Especially you, Agent Hart.

But if I find out that either of you left this bunk without my permission, you’ll regret the day you ever stepped into Ron Wilcox Action Star School.

If you weren’t fake sleeping, you would have woken up.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Holy shit, that was too close.

You’re telling me.

♪♪♪

[grunting]

Kevin, come on, open it later.

We’re supposed to be at the sound stage.

I’m almost there. Wait a second.

Shit.

I got it! I got it. I got it.

It’s a necklace.

It’s got RBG.

Oh, “R” is for Rodrigo, that guy that he murdered.

Jesus, Kevin, give it a rest.

You gotta sneak that shit back into his office before he figures out you stole it.

[Ron] Rise and shine, let’s go.

Come on, let’s go!

Shit.

Put this on your side.

♪♪♪

All right, class.

It’s a fun day today. It’s a big day.

Behind that door, I got a very big surprise for you.

We’d see daylight for the first time?

Nope. Any other guesses?

You gonna open the door up and a panther gonna come through and maul us to death?

Getting warmer. You’re getting warmer.

Why am I getting warmer?

Ooh, a source of protein other than beef jerky?

That would be great.

Watch this.

Unbelievable. Please.

Some fruit? A smoothie?

Josh Hartnett!

Hey, hey, hey, buddy!

Ooh, ooh look out, look out!

Ooh.

[laughter]

Get off me.

My favorite alumni.

Class third week, April 1999.

Oh, come on, that’s…

Come on!

Oh my God.

Is it possible that you’re too beautiful?

[giggling]

Um, yeah. You kiss…

It kissed my, um… You smile a lot.

What the fuck did you just say?

I…

Kev, I’m so glad you’re here, man.

This is gonna change your life.

I mean, when Ron finished with me, I shot “Pearl Harbor”, “Black Hawk Down”, “Hollywood Homicide”.

You should have probably left the last one out.

When I first came here, I was nothing.

I was, like, 100 pounds soaking wet.

By the time I was out of here, I felt invincible.

I felt like Academy Award winner Matt Damon or some shit.

[laughter]

You’re too much.

He’s too much.

Why don’t you guys catch up, and, Agent King?

Yes?

Let’s talk motivation.

Bye.

Nice to meet you.

Kev, how’s it going so far, man?

It is not going good.

This place is like a prison. Do you hear me?

And I think Coach Ron is trying to kill me.

Well, that’s just his way. Look at him, he’s a teddy bear.

He ain’t no teddy bear!

He’s the complete opposite of a teddy bear.

And I believe he murdered somebody.

I think he murdered a Colombian drug lord.

I think he did it.

I got a guy named Rodrigo was here, and I think he murdered…

Oh God, you crack me up, Kev.

Oh, you’re serious?

Yes, I’m serious.

I went snooping around in his office, and I think I found a keepsake from the murder.

It was a necklace, it’s got “RBG”.

Ron murdered someone and kept a necklace?

Like Dexter?

Josh, listen to me.

Yes?

We need to call the cops.

Okay.

We need the people from out there to come in here.

Okay.

I’m taking about the Feds, the DA…

What are you whispering about?

Nothing. We’re talking about workouts.

We’re talking my workout, his workout.

It’s nothing much.

How’s my goddaughter?

Oh, man, she is growing like a weed.

Oh, yeah? Let me see that.

Goddaughter?

Let me see that.

Whoa-ho! Oh!

Look at her.

She misses her Uncle Ronnie, though.

Well, you tell her that her Uncle Ronnie misses that little pumpkinhead, too.

[cries]

Hey.

Hey, why the sad face? Are you okay?

I’m fine, I’m fine.

[sighs]

I can’t find my special necklace.

The one that I had custom made with RBG.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

That’s okay, it’s okay.

Yeah, she’s my favorite Supreme Court justice.

I mean, I love her dissenting opinions.

Let me tell you something, if I find out that someone stole it, I’ll kill ’em.

I’ll kill ’em!

Hey!

You have to think positive thoughts.

We’re gonna find it. It’s gonna turn up soon.

I promise you, it’s gonna turn up soon.

Today we’re doing firearms stunts.

We’ve got Officer Hartnett, who is a corrupt cop who’s gone rogue, we’ve got Agent King and Agent Hart.

You finally found him in this chop shop, and this is where the shootout will take place.

Now, here is your gun.

Nice.

Don’t you ever accept a gun like that.

It’s always from the back.

You passed it to me frontwards.

That was a test. You failed.

Now, these firearms are loaded, okay?

So please, be careful how you handle them.

Well, we don’t have to be that careful ’cause there’s-there’s blanks in them, right?

Not loaded, loaded. Just…

They’re blanks, correct?

No, Coach Ron, that’s not gonna do it for me.

I need a verbal confirmation that it’s blanks in this gun.

What do you think?

Yes or no?

Are there blanks in this gun?

Come on, Kevin. Get your head in the game, man.

Josh, my head’s in the game. I’m just trying to be safe.

And he still didn’t say yes or no.

Yes.

Yes, you heard him.

Okay, everyone in wardrobe.

I’ll see you in ten, right back here, we start the shootout.

Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.

Hey, what are you doing? Get into costume.

No, not me. I’m not doing it.

Kevin, you’re being paranoid.

We all heard him say there were blanks.

My gun has blanks, I guarantee you that.

But I bet you Josh, he’s got a fully loaded fuckin’ pistol.

Now, Ron already tried to kill me once.

Right now, he’s probably willing to go all the fuckin’ way.

I’m not doing it.

Trying to make it look like a goddamn accident.

That’s exactly what it’ll do.

Kevin Hart accidentally killed in Ron Wilcox’s Action School.

No, thank you.

First of all, Josh would never do that.

He is sweet and sensitive.

And he’s tender, probably.

Okay, what the fuck is over there, huh?

I bet he’s none of those things.

He and Ron, they’re like this.

Fucking godfather to his kids. He didn’t say shit about that.

And they know I got the necklace!

So put it back.

I can’t put it back ’cause too late.

They know I got the goddamn necklace.

You know what? It’s not safe for me here.

I gotta go.

Oh, so you’re just gonna give up on your lifelong dream because you’re afraid of getting shot?

Fuck that dream!

And look, I’m leavin’.

You got a choice.

Come with me.

Uh… I can’t.

I’m sorry.

This is my shot.

I understand.

It is your shot and you deserve it.

Okay.

Nice.

[door shutting]

♪♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

One, two, three.

[laughing]

Yes!

♪♪♪

Ugh. That dick.

The fuck is my car?

You gotta be kidding me.

[clicking key fob]

Oh, motherfucker!

[car beeping]

He killed my car. He killed my fucking car.

[Ron Wilcox] Kevin!

Kevin!

Where are you?

Come out, come out wherever you are!

Shit.

♪♪♪

[sighing]

Goddamn it.

Motherfuckin’ squirrels.

Shit! Get your ass outta here.

Shoo!

Go squirrel!

[mimicking squirrel noises]

[squirrel growling] Motherfucker.

Better get your ass back.

You hear me?

I ain’t scared of you.

You better keep it over there before you get hurt.

Bring it over here, you get what you want.

Shit. Shit! Oh…

[squirrel squeaking] I see you.

I ain’t takin’ my eye off you.

I got ya locked in.

Stay back!

[squirrel squeaking]

Stupid woods.

Oh.

Thank god.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir?

How ya doin’, man?

You know you’re trespassin’.

Yes.

I mean, no. No. I didn’t.

I do now. But I…

Sign posted right over there.

Only got two words on it.

No and trespassin’.

Yep.

I see it now.

I see it now. I didn’t see that when I… when I came in.

The way I came in, my back was to that.

So, I never caught that.

You’re a city boy, ain’t ya?

Well, uh, I refer to myself as a city man, not a boy. You can say boy, man, whatever you… What do you prefer?

Woods ain’t safe for a city boy… much less a city man.

Okay.

I’m gonna address the elephant in the woods.

This whole “Deliverance” thing that we got goin’ on right now…

Which is great, okay? ‘Cause it’s workin’.

So, when things are workin’, you give ’em the accolades that they deserve.

I’m-I’m uncomfortable, sir.

I’m actually scared, all right?

So, now that we know that, let me help this mood by just telling you why I’m here.

I’m tryin’ to use a phone. You got a phone?

I wanna use it real quick, and I’m outta here.

Two minutes.

No! I’m not out of my mind.

As a matter of fact, I’m very much in my mind.

The dude’s tryin’ to kill me.

[Danny] That’s unfortunate.

What do you mean? Unfortunate?

Listen to me, Danny. He’s trying to kill me.

No, totally. [text message alert]

Kev, listen. I’ve got huge news.

All right? Ready?

“Pound Pups 4.”

“Pound Pups 4.” They want you to voice Reggie, a quick-witted, short-tempered goldendoodle who craves mischief.

Did they ask for me directly?

Yeah. Now, listen.

The money’s not what you’re used to making, but this could be the role that gets you back in the good graces with the comedy gods.

Hey, I… Uh…

Hey! I… Hi.

Hey, I’m Reggie the goldendoodle and I’m ready to create some mischief!

See? You’re a genius!

It’s amazing. I’m in the movie right now.

I’m watchin’ the movie!

[chuckling]

Now, normally, we’d, you know, counter.

Negotiate a better deal, blah, blah, blah.

I think we should close this one.

Huh? What do you think? [sighing]

No, no, no. Don’t sigh.

Be happy. This is good, Kev.

Oh, goddamn it. Are you crying?

How did we get here, Danny? Hmm?

[sniffles] How did we get here?

Just tell me how we got here.

Look. Stop beatin’ yourself up.

Huh? You made a mistake.

You tried to be somethin’ you’re not.

You’re not an action hero.

You know that now.

So, is that a yes on “Pound Pups 4?”

[crashing]

I…

[Waylon] Help! Help me!

I’m stuck!

[Danny] Kevin?

Kevin, I need a verbal yes on this.

Kevin, don’t let this go away, buddy.

[Waylon] Help me!

[Danny] Kev, goldendoodles.

You love dogs, Kevin.

[Waylon] Help!

[Danny] Kevin.

[Waylon] Help me!

[coughing] Help!

Hey, you okay?

No!

Fuck.

Damn truck broke.

Ugh. Shit!

It’s on my chest.

I can’t breathe.

I’m gonna call somebody right now, man.

Okay? I’m gonna call someone.

Hey.

Hey!

Oh, sh…

Okay. Come on.

You gotta lift this truck.

You gotta lift this truck!

Lift the fuckin’ truck.

Come on, Kevin.

Ready.

Three, two, one.

[yelling]

I’m doing it! I’m doin’ it!

[yelling]

[coughing]

Oh.

You okay?

Breathe, man.

Slow down.

Take your time. All right.

Nice and slow. Get your breath back.

Oh, my god. You just saved my life.

No.

Oh, oh, yeah.

You’re like a real-life Rambo.

I guess I kinda am.

Oh…

How can I ever repay you, sir?

Sir? No, man.

Wait, you don’t know who I am?

You don’t recognize me from movies, TV, stand-up comedy?

Uh, no?

The name is Hart.

Agent Hart.

Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know of a shortcut back to Ron Wilcox’s Action School, would you?

Wilcox Property.

Yeah.

Uh, yes, Agent.

Uh, you can follow that path, it’ll take you right to it.

Okay.

I think I’mma go and get on that trail before the sun goes down.

Uh, that… you ain’t walkin’.

♪♪♪

Oh, yeah.

[motor revving]

♪♪♪

How was that?

[Claude van de Velde] Phenomenal.

We got it.

All right, that’s a wrap on the creepy trailer!

[applause] Well done, everyone.

♪♪♪

[Jordan] Stop! Goddamn it, stop!

Motherfuckers.

Chitty chitty bang bang, bitch.

[gunshots] No!

No!

Fuck!

[laughing]

Holy shit, Jordan. You weren’t joking.

He actually thinks we’re using real bullets today.

Kev.

You told him?

I’m sorry, it was funny.

It’s not fucking funny!

‘Cause that man back there is a lunatic.

You’re a fucking lunatic, Coach Ron.

Hey! You know what?

Maybe I am a lunatic.

Maybe I oughta just kill ya!

Hey, no, Ron. Hold up.

Let me kill him.

Stop it.

No. Me! Me! Me!

[gunshots]

Stop it. Stop!

You know what, assholes?

Y’all wanna fuckin’ play, then play. Go ahead.

Unload ’em all.

All right. Now we’re havin’ fun.

[gunshots]

After you.

Shit!

Holy shit.

Maybe there was a bullet in there.

You’re bad, man! [laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

Motherfucker!

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my god.

Josh, stop, man. This is bullshit!

You’re tryin’ to fuckin’ kill me!

What’s your problem? I already apologized to you.

When? When did you apologize?

I thought I did.

What, you thought you apologized?

You know what, maybe I would apologize to you if you gave me back my necklace.

There it is. There it is.

You know I took the necklace so you tried to fucking kill me.

Hey, hey.

Just admit it, man!

Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev. Just chill out.

We’re all just goofin’ around.

We’re just having a little fun, okay?

Nobody got hurt. Nobody got hurt!

Oh, it was a goof.

Yeah, just a goof.

Well, now that I know that, I guess I feel better.

All right.

Did you know it was a goof, Jordan?

You know what, I don’t know. Okay?

It was… I don’t… I don’t know.

You don’t know.

I’m staying out of it.

Now, you’re staying out of it.

Yeah.

You know what? Okay. Everybody’s tempers are a little hot right now.

Maybe we could all just take a break.

Maybe take five.

Let’s take a break.

We drink some water. We have some beef jerky.

All right. Okay.

We just…

We reconvene in a bit, okay?

I’m cool. I’m cool.

You’re cool?

I’m cool. Give… Come on.

Give him a hug.

Give me a hug, man.

Give me a hug.

I don’t… No.

Come on. I love you, man.

That’s beautiful, right?

How do you love me? How?

How? How does anybody love anybody?

What?

That’s profound.

It’s a good question.

We’re gonna miss you, big guy.

I’ll miss you too, baby.

That was a hoot!

Now he’s lettin’ us see daytime as if we’re free.

I never said you weren’t allowed to leave.

You got a little bit of imagination there, buddy.

Well, I remember my car used to be here and now my car is at the bottom of a ravine.

Guess I’m imaginin’ that, too?

Yeah, well, you know, this is meth country.

Probably a couple of tweakers goin’ for a joyride.

They’ll be back.

Ah…

Tweakers love to drive, I keep forgettin.

I thought we were gonna be cool, baby.

Yeah.

I am cool. Cool.

[chuckling]

Hey, look.

I know this has been tough on you.

You only got a couple days left.

My advice, take as much wisdom as you can from this guy.

And just have some fun.

Yeah. Thank you.

Appreciate you, Josh.

See ya, Kev.

I love you, man.

I love you too, man.

Jordan.

The fuck was that?

[car starts]

[music playing in car]

Agent Hart. I wanna tell ya somethin’.

I don’t really feel like dealin’ with it, Coach Ron.

But look.

I’m sorry about that live bullet, man.

I really am.

It’s all I wanted, man.

All I wanted was an apology.

I know.

You sayin’ that to me makes the world of difference.

I’m sorry that I accused you of…

Of tryin’ to kill me and other people.

Now, give me a hug, man. Thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, guys?

Yeah.

Who is that?

[car honking]

Holy shit.

Oh shit!

[tires squealing]

[explosion]

Oh, shit!

Get inside!

What the fuck was that?

Come on!

Fuck this shit!

Goddamn it!

Oh, shit!

It’s a bomb!

What the hell is happening?

Hey, Ron, I-I don’t know this scene.

Where is it in the script?

It is not in the fucking script!

No, no, no. Tell me you’re kidding.

Tell me that was just a stunt.

That we did not just watch Josh Hartnett explode!

It is not a stunt! It is not in the script!

Josh Hartnett is dead!

Oh, god, I’ve fucked up. I’ve fucked up!

What the fuck is goin’ on?

I can’t.

What the fuck is goin’ on?

[speaking with British accent]

O-okay, Kevin.

Don’t-Don’t be mad. Don’t be mad.

But this whole thing, aside from what just happened to Josh Hartnett, has-has been scripted.

What the fuck is that accent?

I was acting, I’m sorry!

I’m not from Chicago, I’m from Essex!

Claude Van De Velde wanted you at your most authentic, so he hid a bunch of cameras in here to film us playing roles, doing the stunts, all of it.

But whatever just happened wasn’t part of it.

Which is fucking insane, Ron! For fuck’s sake!

For fuck’s sake?

That’s what you wanna say to me?

For fuck’s sake?

[speaking foreign language]

Talk in your regular voice.

All right.

No, I’ve lost it now. I’m in my head!

Who does that? Who does this to somebody?

[grunts] [gunfire]

Oh, shit. You okay?

Oh, god. I’m such a fucking idiot!

What was I thinking?

What the hell was that, man?

You want to know what the hell is going on?

You’re goddamn right I wanna know what’s going on.

I bought some drugs.

I sold them to the wrong people.

What?

And Rodrigo got mad at me and we got into a fight.

And then, I accidentally killed him.

You did kill Rodrigo.

Yes.

I told you he fuckin’ killed him.

And that necklace. That necklace was his necklace.

I’m a horrible person.

I’m going straight to hell.

You’re goddamn right you’re going to hell.

What are you doing?

Claude!

What are you doin’, Ron?

Claude!

Claude, if you’re watchin’, you call the cops right now.

You call the fuckin cops.

Senor Wilcox!

Oh, shit.

My nephew Rodrigo’s body washed up

4 miles due south of here!

A coincidence, no?

I’m gonna give you 2 minutes.

Exactly dos minutos to bring your ass out here and face me like a man!

If not, I’m gonna set fire to the building and burn you like a chicharone.

[whimpering]

Snap out of it!

I can’t! It’s over!

Listen to me, motherfucker.

This is why men shouldn’t be left in charge of anything!

My career is just now becoming the thing that I have worked my entire life towards!

And I’m not dying because of you, you fucking idiot.

We’re all gonna die!

[scream]

Oh, shit.

What the fuck, man?

Everybody gotta calm the fuck down!

They’re all blanks.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Don’t hit me.

I’m not gonna hit you. Look.

When I first walked through that door, you told me.

You said, “Kevin…”

You said an action hero is not in here.

You said it’s not in here.

Uh-huh.

You said that it’s here.

It’s in your heart, man.

You know, clearly, you done made some mistakes.

And one of those mistakes involved murderin’ the nephew of some kind of drug lord.

[wailing]

Oh, god.

I killed him!

I’m not tryin’ to fuckin’ upset you, man.

Listen. I know that you know.

I know that you know that there’s an action hero in there.

And I know that a true action hero is-is-is tough.

Is confident.

And they’re unfazed by the minor details that disrupt your average lay person.

They will take responsibility for their shit.

You go out there and you tell the truth, man.

Tell the fucking truth.

Say Rodrigo’s death… Say it was an accident.

Say it was a fucking accident. And give ’em…

Give ’em this. Here.

You give ’em this, say you wanna make things right.

I wanna make it right.

That’s all you gotta do!

Say I wanna make it right. I’m sorry.

I fucked up.

I fucked up.

I wanna tell the truth.

I wanna tell the truth.

That’s it!

I don’t wanna make a mistake.

Okay, listen.

All you gotta do is be the action hero that you wanna see in the world.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Tell the truth, man.

That was amazing.

Amigos!

Amigos.

Peace. Peace.

Paz.

Paz. Paz.

Paz. Paz. Paz. Uh…

Shit, it’s actually working.

Kevin, did you just save our lives?

No. I just know that being the hero means ownin’ up to your mistakes.

I had to learn the same thing in my life.

Just glad that Ron can learn the same thing too.

[gunshots]

Shit!

What the fuck!

Is he dead?

I mean, he took a lot of bullets. I think so.

We gotta check.

We gotta check to see if he’s still alive.

[gunshots]

He’s dead.

Yeah.

He’s dead.

Yeah.

He’s fuckin’ dead.

Okay. Okay.

Maybe if we just stay quiet, they’ll leave.

I like that plan. Yeah. Yeah.

Juan. Ortiz. Go inside.

If there’s any witnesses, kill them.

Hide! [overlapping chatter]

Go!

Fuck.

Close it, close it, close it.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hey, do we got any more real bullets?

[banging]

I checked already, they’re blanks.

What do you mean they’re fucking blanks?

Is everything in here a fuckin’ prop?

[banging] What about the knife?

The knife I stabbed you with?

It was retractable. Fake blood.

Shit! Are you fucking kidding me?

Shit! Go. Go, go, go!

Kevin?

Yeah.

Um, if anything happens and we don’t get out of here alive, I just want you to know…

Stop.

I love you too.

Uh…

Shit. You were gonna say somethin’ else, weren’t you?

You were gonna say it was nice knowin’ me?

Yeah.

Fuck me.

We’re about to die. You could’ve at least lied.

I mean, you’ve been lying this entire week, wouldn’t have made that big of a difference.

I’m sorry. I was hired to play a role and they paid me a lot of money.

Like, a lot.

You’re not making it any better.

You’re actually making it a lot worse.

Shh. Did you hear that?

Shit. They’re coming.

Play dead.

What? No.

They’ll walk in here, they’ll see that we’re dead, and then they’ll leave.

But how-how did we die?

I can’t hear you. I’m dying.

What the…

[grunting]

[screaming]

Oy! Did you hear that?

Yeah. I think it’s Ortiz.

Oh. Then what the fuck are you waiting for?

[muttering]

It’s not fuckin’ rocket science.

[grunting]

Kick me, bitch? Huh? Kick this!

Kick me twice, shame on me.

Kick me three times… [screaming]

[gunshots]

Don’t look, I’m on your fuckin’ back.

Come on, let’s get the fuck outta here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come on.

You think you can win a gunfight with a Colombian drug lord?

No. We don’t have guns in England.

Didn’t you say you’re from North Philly?

What are you doing? I can’t take the gun like that.

Give it to me right.

Ron would be proud.

Shut up, Ron would be proud.

Ron would be proud. [gunshots]

Shit!

Go. Go, go, go.

Fuck, fuck, go.

[whistling]

Okay. I’m going to create a distraction, and then you’re going to shoot the guy.

Yeah.

Are you ready?

I’ve never been more ready in my life.

On three. One, two…

Wait, wait, wait. No, don’t count like that.

Go the other way. Three, two… Like that does better for me.

Three, two, one.

[metal clatters] Go, go, go.

It’s go-time.

[gunshots] Yeah, motherfucker!

Yeah, motherfucker!

[gun clicks]

God damn!

[gunshots] Motherfucking prop!

I’m out! I’m out! I’m out!

Fuck! Almost got him.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah.

Okay, he’s reloading.

Follow me. Quick.

Okay.

Wait, wait. Wait for me! Wait for me!

Damn it.

Can’t believe I missed his ass.

I had him. The sight. It’s gotta be the sight.

The sight is off with this.

No, Kevin.

You just can’t shoot for shit. We need to think!

There has to be something in here we can use.

Guess what we can’t use? This. It’s out of bullets.

I ain’t got no more bullets.

[gun clatters]

Kevin! Focus.

It’s props.

It’s a bunch of fuckin’ props over here.

♪♪♪

Whoop, there it is.

[door creaking]

[car horn honking]

♪♪♪

[gunshots]

[Kevin] Hell no! Oh, hell no!

[static] Oh hell no! No-no-no…

Got you, motherfucker!

Oh shit!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[grunting]

Hold his ass.

Oh, you thought it was over, didn’t you?

But I don’t travel alone.

No, I got my friends with me.

Let me introduce you to Mr. Fuck Shit and Mr. Up.

Kevin, shut up!

Okay. No, no, I was…

I had more, but I can cut it.

Hold this motherfucker.

Shit! I thought you had his feet!

Shit! Yeah. We got his ass.

I got him.

Ain’t no “I” in “team.” Put it up here.

Let’s get outta here. Come on.

Watch your step. Watch your step. Let’s go.

He kicked me right in the fucking nose, son of a bitch.

Run! Run.

Hey, wait a minute, Jordan.

Jordan, slow down. It’s a cliff.

It’s a cliff! It’s a cliff!

Oh, shit.

Come on, we’ve got to go.

I can’t! I can’t do that. That’s too far.

I’m sorry.

Jesus Christ, just jump.

Just go. Go save yourself!

No!

We’re both getting out of here. Now, hurry the fuck up!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Fuck!

Go. Go. Go.

Shit.

Why didn’t you say you love me back?

Uh, I dunno. We just…

We’re just kinda getting to know each other and…

[gunshot]

[yelps]

Any last words before I blow your brains out?

Don’t shoot me, okay?

You ain’t gotta do this.

You ain’t gotta do this, man.

Yeah. Just let me…

[imitates squirrel]

Why are you doing that?

Cut it out. Stop it!

You look at me when I kill you.

Look at me!

I know that there’s nothing up there.

[grunting]

[ringing]

[grunting]

Ah, shit!

[yelling]

Go home. I’m sure there’s a real hero somewhere in need of a goofy sidekick.

[panting]

Well, you’re not alone anymore.

[wincing]

I’ve got you, I promise!

Kevin!

Focus.

[grunting]

[yelling]

[thud]

I owe you one.

[imitates squirrel]

I’m comin’ for you.

I’m comin’.

It’s a simple jump.

Three, two, one.

Hey. Hey, come on.

Jordan, no. Come on, get up. Get up.

Jordan, no.

Look at me. Look at me.

Don’t you die. Don’t you die. I’m not gonna let you die.

Come on, Jordan. You can’t… You can’t die, not…

Come on, Jordan. Get up. Don’t do…

Jordan! Jordan!

I jumped. I got over here.

Jordan? I fucking jumped!

[crying] I fucking jumped.

I fuckin’…

Breathe. [clapping]

Bravo.

It’s a wrap, everybody.

[cheers and applause] Bravo.

A wrap?

Agent Hart!

Coach Ron?

Woo! Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

What the fuck is happening?

Hey, baby. It was good workin’ with you.

No hard feelings, man. Sorry.

Hi.

Oh, no. Come on, Jordan.

This was a part of it, too?

Yeah.

Sorry, Kevin.

Jordan.

I really thought that I lost you.

Oh, Kevin.

Well, I guess I’m glad that you’re alive.

Well, movie magic.

Movie magic.

Very good. Very good, guys.

Jordan, no. Come on. Get up. Get up.

Jordan, you can’t do this. Don’t die.

Come on, Jordan. Get up. Don’t do…

Jordan! Jordan!

I did it. I jumped. I got over here!

Jordan. I fuckin’ jumped!

[crying] I fuckin’ jumped.

♪♪♪

[clapping]

[sighs]

Well?

That may be the strangest movie I’ve ever seen.

So bizarre and-and-and violent.

And yet… authentic.

You can’t teach acting like that.

So, you liked it?

Like it?

I like kidney-shaped swimming pools.

I like reduced-fat eggnog.

This movie?

I loved.

He loves it.

How does it feel to be a leading man in your own action movie?

Wow.

Kevin, please.

Oh, the same stage.

Uh… [applause]

Oh, stop, stop. Guys.

Well, I learned two things.

The first thing is that it’s dangerous.

It’s dangerous as hell.

I mean, I was set on fire. [chuckling]

I was hit in the head with a bat.

Punched. Kicked. I’m really gonna be scarred.

[laughing]

Yeah, he probably is.

No, I’m serious. I don’t know why you’re laughing, I’m being very serious. [laughing]

I’m gonna have real issues because of this guy right here.

Fuck yeah!

It’s not…

It’s not a fuck yeah. It’s a serious thing.

The second thing that I learned is that, uh, there’s no such thing as a leading man.

‘Cause you’re nothing without your co-stars.

And I had that in-in you guys.

So, thank you. Come on. Get up here.

Seriously. Get up here.

Bro.

Buddy.

Take this in.

Take it in with me.

Wait, wait. Do I get top billing?

Yeah. You’ll have top billing.

Nice. I forgot to ask.

Well, I think it’s time to celebrate.

Yes!

Yes!

Looks like we’ve got a hit on our hands!

Ron, congratulations!

Congratulations, everybody. [applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a real treat for you today.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Easy with the spoilers.

This requires a little dramatic build-up.

Okay. Here it is.

Now, you know that I’m not a big fan of these high-budget action films.

Here she goes again with her love of fancy foreign films.

I have discerning taste. This is my build-up.

This is what you requested.

Continue.

This movie by Claude Van De Velde moved me.

I gotta say.

It’s an incredible film.

I’ve seen it 27 times.

Team Van de Velde right here.

The hero of this movie is not the action star that you would expect.

The one that really saves the day.

Well, we have him here today.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sassy the squirrel.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, you’re a lot bigger in person.

Oh, hell no.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

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Suzume (2022)

Suzume (2022) | Transcript

A 17-year-old girl named Suzume helps a mysterious young man close doors from the other side that are releasing disasters all over in Japan.