David Brent: Life on the Road (2016) – Transcript

A camera crew catches up with David Brent, the former star of the fictional British TV series The Office (2001), as he now fancies himself a rock star on the road.
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David Brent: Life on the Road

Fifteen years after his appearance in the BBC2 “documentary” series The Office, David Brent is a sales rep for bathroom supply firm Lavichem. His colleagues include his nemesis, Jezza, who cannot stand Brent or his jokes; however, he gets a more sympathetic response from colleague Pauline and receptionist Karen, and shares the same sense of humour as fellow sales rep Nigel.

Desperate to resume his music career and sign a record deal, Brent takes a month of unpaid leave and uses money from his pension to pay his fellow band members (Foregone Conclusion), his rapper friend Dom, Dan the sound engineer (whom he boldly offers double what he earns at the studio), a PR consultant, and many other costs, to arrange a tour of venues around Berkshire.

As the tour wears on, the band and crew refuse to socialise with Brent (unless he pays them to do so), and even make him drive behind the tour bus claiming there is no room for him. When Brent finally manages to convince a record company rep to attend a show, they are more interested in Dom’s rapping than Brent’s music. As the costs of the tour spiral out of control, sound engineer Dan comforts a dejected Brent, informing him that he does not need to pay people to like him, and to stop wasting his pension money. The band plays one final show, and then genuinely join Brent for a drink.

Brent returns to Lavichem to the delight of Pauline, Karen and Nigel, while Dom achieves a solo record deal and the rest of the band join up with Peter Andre. Pauline asks him to take her out for a coffee and she takes his hand as they head out.

* * *

(MUMBLES)

DAVID: Hello, I’m David Brent. You probably know me as the star of the BBC Two documentary The Office, back in 2000 and… (CHUCKLES) No, that was then, this is now. I’m currently a singer-song writer, so… And a rep. I work for Lavichem.

What do you mean who does my tampons?

DAVID: We sell cleaning products. All toiletry needs, really.

DAVID: One size fits all. (CHUCKLES) No, it doesn’t, actually.

DAVID: I am following my dream as the lead singer in the band Foregone Conclusion. This is our story. I never really gave up that dream if I’m being honest. So when the documentary team approached me and said they wanted to continue the Brent saga, I said, “Sure, but let’s do it big.”

DAVID: That’s as stiff as you like and it won’t damage your rug. Well, that’s what I told her. (CHUCKLES)

DAVID: One last push to see if I can make it in the music business. Watch this space. Let’s rock. (CHUCKLES)

♪ Half a tank should get me to Millbank

♪ I fill her up and head down to Sidcup

♪ It’s just a meeting It’s only fleeting

♪ It’s just a pitch And then I’m up to Ipswich

♪ Life on the road

♪ Don’t need a heavy load

♪ Foot down to the floor

♪ Seventy miles an hour But no more

♪ Wheeler dealing no feeling

♪ Strictly business I’m killin’ it in Widnes

♪ Then to Gloucester I get a Costa

♪ Hard shoulder Coffee holder

♪ Life on the road

♪ Don’t need a heavy load

♪ Foot down to the floor

♪ Seventy miles an hour But no more ♪

DAVID: Personal parking space. (SCOFFS) Typical.

DAVID: Oh, here they are.

Ooh, lovely Serena.

What?

No, I was just saying.

When you buying me dinner?

Never.

DAVID: No, I’ll buy. (CHUCKLES)

Morning. Made you a coffee.

DAVID: We play these games. Um, they know I’m available. It’s not like they’re coming on to a married man. So, all good fun. I’m in the marketplace, so to speak. You know, young, free and single. Not gonna settle down just yet.

DAVID: I’ve been out with all sorts of girls. Rich girls, poor girls, white girls. You know. Thin girls, fat girls. I went out with a very big lady. Mmm, lovely. Bubbly. Mmm, beautiful eyes. All my mates were like, “Oh, Brent, if she lost weight she’d be an absolute stunner.” And she did lose weight. And, um… and she wasn’t a stunner, which was very disappointing. Um, a surprise to everyone. I think she’d left it a bit late in life and lost it way too quickly. So she was left with that sort of wattle thing. You know… And she wasn’t bubbly any more. Bit grumpy. (GRUNTS) Always hungry. So lesson learned. Be what you are.

DAVID: So, yeah, that’s the plan. Tour, record deal, stick an album out, make some big bucks, get a fancy crib, then snare a lucky lady. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

DAVID: But at first, life on the open road. It’s in my blood, uh… Do you drive?

You know I do. I’ve given you a lift home several times.

DAVID: What car you got?

Red Honda.

DAVID: Lady across the road from me has got a red Honda.

That’s me. I live across the road from you.

DAVID: Oh. Wondered why she was always waving. Thought she was mental. (CHUCKLES) That explains it.

I’d like to see you live.

DAVID: Ooh, don’t know. The lyrics are a bit hot for you. X-rated. We got one song, it’s about rock ‘n’ roll, but it’s a metaphor for sex. (CHUCKLES) It goes,

♪ I’m gonna roll you over And rock you stupid

♪ And leave you there just hummin’

♪ There’s a party in my trousers, baby And everybody’s comin’ ♪

DAVID: (CHUCKLES) You get it? Ask me how I’m spelling “comin”‘?

How are you spelling “comin”‘?

DAVID: C-U-M-I-N.

That’s cumin.

DAVID: Double M. Think. It’s… So, yeah. (CHUCKLES) That sort of coming. (LIPS SMACKING) Well, not with… But with… You know. Although some women do… squirt. Don’t know what. Juice. No one knows. Right, see you later.

DAVID: You know, we’re top salesmen here. Sort of like the dream team, really, some of these guys.

Jezza. Just biggin’ you up.

Sorry, mate, I’m talking, what?

DAVID: He’s great when he’s out with the clients. They love him, but… he wants… I don’t know… he’s like a kid, he wants attention.

You know, you see a man that age and you think, “What are you doing?”

DAVID: Lovely Serena again. The one that plays hard to get.

Please, Brent.

DAVID: No.

SERENA: I can’t stand him.

DAVID: Okay.

SERENA: I know how that looks. I know in your little documentary thing you’re just gonna paint me out to be, like, the bitch, but… if I give him an inch, that’s it.

DAVID: Here’s the boss. Keeping an eye on us is, uh, head of sales, Andy Chapman. I used to have my own office. Better than that in a way. I prefer it out here with the troops because we have a laugh.

DAVID: I’m sort of my own boss, but we’re all equal, so anything goes. I’m one of the lads.

DAVID: What’s he doing?

Ah, Mr Brent. (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) “Ah, Mr Brent.” What is that?

Fuck knows.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

DAVID: “Fuck knows.” Oh, my God, I have to sit next to this nutter. Fuck know… Fuck nose. Are you sure you want a pun war with me? I love puns. Highest form of wit in my opinion.

DAVID: Nigel gets it ’cause he’s a bit cooler, like me, not a corporate stuffed shirt. He’s a mentalist. (CHUCKLES)

DAVID: Maracas. These are my knackers, more like. (LAUGHING) Bollocks. Look, aren’t my plums a bit red, Doctor? (LAUGHING) Turn round and see plums in your face. Top banta. They call us Bant and Dec. Don’t they?

Well, we sometimes call ourselves that.

DAVID: Yeah. And Brentertainment.

That’s more you.

DAVID: You’re in. Come here.

(BOTH IMITATING BLOWS LANDING)

NIGEL: David’s David, isn’t he? He’s just… He’s a lovely bloke. I think he’s brilliant. Makes me laugh anyway. I know most people don’t get him… but I do. Most people don’t get me, but he does. So it’s nice. It’s good that we’ve found each other.

DAVID: He’s gonna help me, um, showcase some of my comedy characters.

Yeah. Yeah.

ADAVID: ren’t you? Trying to get that done. Got one character called Lionel Fancy.

(LAUGHING)

DAVID: (AS LIONEL) Oh hello, my name’s Lionel Fancy. (NORMAL) His catchphrase is, (AS LIONEL) “Chance’d be a fine thing.” (NORMAL) And it works with anything. It does. It does. Just say something to me.

All right, Lionel? What you up to today?

DAVID: No. Say, um, “All right, Lionel, I’m just making some dinner. Do you want something hot inside you?”

(AS LIONEL) Oh, hello. All right, Lionel, I’m just making some dinner. Fancy something hot inside you?

DAVID: Chance’d be a fine thing.

(DAVID AND NIGEL LAUGHING)

All right, Lionel, are you worried about AIDS?

DAVID: (NORMAL) Don’t say that. I got one, uh, character called Dopey O’Leary. An Irishman.

DAVID: I like making people laugh. Sue me. (CHUCKLES) I like making people feel, more importantly. Comedy, music, poetry, philosophy, whatever, you know. I get inside your head. Maybe get inside your heart.

DAVID: I got one character (CHUCKLES) called Ho Lee Fuk.

Ooh, no. Ooh, no!

It’s all right. It’s not swearing.

That’s his name. He’s a little Chinaman.

NIGEL: Clever.

(AS HO LEE FUK) Hello, my name’s Ho Lee Fuk.

(LAUGHING)

I’m not weird-looking. You’re the weird-looking one.

(NORMAL) From the Chinaman’s perspective, at last, I flipped it.

Oh, you fripped it.

He’s fripped it.

(LAUGHS)

This is why we get on. Same level.

Hang on a second.

Can you fucking keep it down? Yeah. Can you keep it down?

David? Can I have a word?

Huh? Yeah.

NIGEL: (AS HO LEE FUK) What you want?

(AS HO LEE FUK) What you want? Sirry rady. (LAUGHS)

I’m sure you didn’t mean to cause offence, David. But, as you know, we have to consider everyone’s feelings in the workplace.

DAVID: Yeah. Correctamundo.

You’re happy to propagate a stereotype of Irish people being educationally subnormal or gay people being ridiculously camp?

DAVID: Well, I never actually specify whether he is a homosexual or not. So that’s in your mind.

What about telling sexist jokes to women?

DAVID: Oh, you’re saying I should only tell them to men? Sexist.

No. I’m saying you shouldn’t tell sexist jokes at all.

DAVID: Oh, okay.

You said something about bras?

DAVID: Yeah, just harmless fun.

Go on.

DAVID: What’s the definition of a glass bra? Smash and grab. Honk, honk.

Okay. Well, violence against women is seldom a laughing matter.

DAVID: Where’s the violence?

You’re smashing a woman’s bra, and then you’re grabbing her breasts.

DAVID: Not literally. In a joke. And the violence isn’t the funny bit.

What is the funny bit, David?

DAVID: Um, honk, honk. Funny noise, funny organs. So…

Well, I don’t think it warrants any formal disciplinary action.

DAVID: Shame. (CHUCKLES)

Uh… It can be arranged.

DAVID: Oh.

But as I said, be aware…

DAVID: Hmm? I will.

…and sensitive to difference.

DAVID: Ah, you’ll see how sensitive I am to difference.

DAVID: Get a cab then. I’ll pay you back when you get here. Because I need you to. Trust me, it’ll be fun. All right. Call when you get here. All right, cheers. Bye.

(SIGHS) So… Miriam is going to eat humble pie. Not the pie she’s used to. (CHUCKLES) I mean, she’s slightly overweight and likes apple pie. Not hairy pie. She’s a lezzer. I mean…

It’s like having a 15-year-old kid in the office, you know?

DAVID: Your lack of humour warning.

(HORN HONKING)

CHAPMAN: And I find him an irritant. I mean, normally I just shut my door when I hear him, because it’s just… It just puts me off my work.

Where am I supposed to be? I’m just, like, in reception.

DAVID: Here. I’m down here. (CHUCKLES)

Flippin’ hell.

DAVID: Come here. I was just in a meeting with, uh, Miriam. It’s, uh, my black friend. So, that’s what I’ve been… Mixed race, actually. My favourite. His dad was black, his mum was white. Get over it. (CHUCKLES)

My dad was white. My mum was black.

DAVID: Oh. (CHUCKLES) Even more different. Her face.

DOM: Let’s just not…

DAVID: I’ve been trying to say…

I first met David… I was rapping in this open mic thing in a pub in Slough. It’s, you know, where we’re both from. And he came over and said he wanted to manage me. You know? I mean, I didn’t know at the time he was a sales rep.

Is that it?

DAVID: Yeah.

It’s the only reason I’m here?

DAVID: Yeah. It’s important. You off?

DAVID: It’s just my mate. Going off on tour.

Him?

DAVID: Yeah.

Okay.

DAVID: So, yeah.

That’s cool.

DAVID: Yeah.

DAVID: I’ve booked a session today in a top-notch recording studio.

MAN: Hello?

DAVID: David.

(DOOR BUZZING)

DAVID: Here we go. (BREATHES HEAVILY) Studio.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

DAVID: I love making demos. I do it a lot, you know. It not only gives the record company an idea of what I can do. It gives me an idea of what I could do, and that’s the buzz.

Dan. My usual engineer.

DAN: Well I’ve done one session with Dom. It was meant to be with Dom.

DOM: It started off he was kind of managing me and, um, he was paying for me to make my demos which was cool. And then, suddenly, like, he wanted to co-write songs and then before I knew it, he was, like, doing his own songs and saying, “Oh, will you do a rap on this, do a rap on that?” And now it’s like some kind of Ebony and Ivory, urban sidekick deal.

DAVID: Okay, I’m gonna cut the bullshit.

That would be great, yeah.

DAVID: I’m head-hunting. Putting a tour together. Do you wanna be part of that? Drive the gang? On stage sound. Roadie.

What sort of tour?

DAVID: Showcasing the band. Also hotels, rider.

So it’s some work and some food and somewhere to sleep?

DAVID: Here we go. Playing hardball. Yeah? Are we talking bunse?

Well we’re certainly not talking English.

DAVID: What do you earn here?

That’s not the issue.

DAVID: I’ll double it.

Really?

DAVID: I never dreamt he’d be on that much. It’s a bit annoying. It eats up the budget. But you pay people well, they wanna do a good job and they wanna keep their job. So… I’ll just cash in another pension. That’s what I’ve been doing to finance all this. I took out a lot of private pensions in the ’90s, you know. And some of them are worth as much as I’ve put in now, so… And I would have spent that money by now. And now I am gonna spend it on rock ‘n’ roll. (CHUCKLES)

But keep the drums sounding big though.

DOM: David is… He’s on-site. Deep down he’s supporting me, and I’m sure he’d love to see me do well. It’s not a lot right now, but, you know, see how this tour goes. Never know.

There’s a similarity there, you know. I mean, in some ways we’re very alike. Except, you know, he’s white and old and his music is terrible. But, I mean, we’re both just trying to make it, you know, I’m just not… not 100% sure what his “it” is.

DAVID: Bit of a cock-up. (CHUCKLES) I’ve only got four days actual holiday leave left. So I’ve gotta take 11 days unpaid.

Yeah.

DAVID: So… That’s all right, you know, sort of. This is a holiday, isn’t it? It’s what I love doing, so… And if I get signed, it’s all been worth it. Er, so my last day is next Friday.

Yeah. Make sure your clients are covered for the month and you’re away.

DAVID: Yeah, I am indeed. (CHUCKLES)

Back on the phones then.

DAVID: Yeah. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Back on the phone.

ANDY: It’s daft. I mean, wasting his holiday in trying to be a pop star. He’d be far better off, you know, having a couple of weeks in Marbella. Relax, nice tan… Still, his money, his life, innit?

DAVID: It’s on. Yeah.

NIGEL: Ooh.

DAVID: Uh… My last week, next week. Then I’m off. Got a few more… gigs to book in. Get the record companies down, get signed. Bye-bye nine to five. (CHUCKLES) Sorry. (LAUGHING) No. So, rehearsal tomorrow. Wait till you see the band. Great bunch of kids. Foregone Conclusion, Mark II.

(IMITATES GUITAR)

Do you know what I’m saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

DAVID: I did try and get the old crew back together, but, um, they hadn’t really weathered as well as me. (CHUCKLES) Reggie Mental. He can’t drum any more. His back’s gone. He’s on painkillers and physio, permanently, you know. He’s basically an invalid now. From that. (SIGHS) Jack. He’s married now with four kids. Look at him there. Under the thumb. I bumped into him in Reading, down the Oracle. And he was shopping with his wife, holding hands with kids, carrying shopping, papoose with a new baby in it. And he looked at me, and he didn’t literally say it out loud, because his wife was there, but I could see in his eyes, he was saying, “Kill me.” From that. And the saddest of all… Mammogram. Real name, Craig Monkford. Wow, great guy. Brilliant guitarist. Life and soul of the party. And he knew how to party. (CHUCKLES) His nickname is from the fact that he’d always turn up to your door with a different girl with big boobs. So, nothing to do with cancer, um… But he is now doing two years for 11 different counts of sexual assault.

DAVID: Hiya. (SIGHS)

(BAND PLAYING)

DAVID: Saturday, innit? So… Rehearsals. Yeah, this is where it all happens. This is the last one, actually, before the tour. That’s all booked. (CHUCKLES) Well, I got six or seven gigs in. Still a few gaps. I’ll be filling those. There are guys here looking for opportunities. Um… If not, I’ll have a day off. (CHUCKLES) That always helps with the old tonsils. So… Anyway… Keep the noise down. (CHUCKLES) Nah, turn it up. Let’s rock.

Yeah, boom, that’s perfect. And then, like, eight bars of this. Yeah?

DAVID: Whassup? Come on, let’s do some work now then. (LAUGHING) Here’s the band. Foregone Conclusion, Mark II. He’s not in it. He’s just, you know…

We’re just gonna, um, finish this.

DAVID: Yeah, let’s do some… Let’s do some… You know him. Look. He’s already at work. I gave him the gig. (LAUGHS) Stu Monkford. Mammogram’s nephew I was telling you about. What do you call a bloke who hangs round with musicians? The drummer. (LAUGHING) Andy. We have got Mike and Steve. They’re brothers. Don’t look alike, do they? The beard’s different.

I guess like with most session musicians, you get, like, a call… gets put in to your agent, and they, um, you know, say, “Are you available? Is it something you actually wanna do?” Um, in this case, not particularly, but at the same time, you know, you go where the money goes because you can’t ever guarantee when the next lot of work’s gonna come in.

ANDY: For us, it’s just, you know, we’re out, and we’re getting paid, and we’re playing.

DAVID: Let’s do it. Let’s rock. What shall we do? Let’s do, um, Ooh La La.

I’m not in that one.

DAVID: He’s not in this one.

(DAVID CHUCKLES)

DAVID: Starts with an acoustic.

♪ Sold my shack in Memphis

♪ Bought me a Chevrolet

♪ Six string in the back And a bottle of Jack

♪ And I headed down to Mexico Way

♪ Singing ooh la la la

♪ Ooh la la la la lay

♪ Ooh la la la la la la la

♪ It’s a beautiful day ♪

DAVID: Okay. Let’s do it. I’ll send a cheque over. I’ve been putting all the gigs in, you know. Hopefully I’ll get a solid three-week block. I’ll get to work on it, promoting it. That we can build, and get A&R along. Um, but, you know, the… the tour’s shaping up. I’m the artist and the manager. I have to book the hotels. The old credit card has taken a bit of a hammering. (CHUCKLES) My flexible friend.

DAVID: Yeah, um… They’re gonna be gutted when I’m gone. But at the same time, they know it’s what I want and deserve. Hence, they’re gonna be happy for me. So, mixed emotions.

DAVID: Right, I better say goodbye to everyone before I (CHUCKLES) jet off. Um, I hope they haven’t made a big fuss. You know what I mean? It’s not like I’m going forever. Even if I get signed, I’m gonna pop in. But… Oh… See you later, guys. I’m off on tour. Keep selling. Where’s Nigel?

He’s out selling.

DAVID: Is he? Is he really?

Yeah.

DAVID: Where is he?

Maidenhead.

DAVID: All right. Good.

Ah, thought so. You… (LAUGHS)

We did this to Pete Gibbons.

He thought we hadn’t done anything, and we got a massive whip-round going, and we, um, we got him a…

“Break a leg, Pauline.” It is just from you, is it?

Yeah.

All right.

PAULINE: It’s exciting, really, for him.

The office is gonna be a bit quiet which is gonna be a shame.

Brings a little sparkle. (CHUCKLES)

Is he really out selling?

Yeah.

Is he?

Yeah.

KAREN: When he walks in, you don’t know what he’s gonna say, and… he does brighten up my day a little bit.

Is Nigel out selling?

He might try to be funny, and not… maybe people don’t find him funny, but I do.

Right. That’s ’cause I said to him I don’t want a fuss, so he went…

So he didn’t, er…

First gig, Monday.

PAULINE: Have a nice time.

Yeah. Right.

See you.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh…

See you later.

KAREN: Bye.

Bye. Bye.

This isn’t like, you know, when I left Wernham Hogg.

I was the head of that family. A lot more emotional for everyone.

Being made redundant, and the whole fame thing, that got to me a bit.

I had a nervous breakdown.

(STAMMERS) I spent a little bit of time in a… a facility.

Voluntary, you know.

But, nah, not for me. (CHUCKLES)

I practice the ancient medical art of “bloody pull yourself together, mate”.

(LAUGHS)

So, I was on Prozac for about six months.

Er, ballooned up to about 16 stone at one point.

I’d given up.

The lads started calling me Brentasaurus. (CHUCKLES) All good fun.

Not at the time. I burst into tears… and wanted to kill myself.

(SIGHS)

But I turned it round, you know.

Got fit.

Inside and out.

Hi.

Hi, David.

Hi, Sandra.

And I found myself again, you know, and I started to do what I do best, entertain.

Triple threat. Music, comedy, wisdom.

Would you like to go out for a coffee?

No.

She is mental, isn’t she?

Well…

A proper loon. A dead bee.

DR. KEATING: How are you?

DAVID: Brilliant. Never felt better.

Happiest I’ve been, probably, doing these sessions with a professional.

Now I decided to sort everything out.

Body, mind, and spirit. I’ve done that, so… I’m empowered now.

Power in the, not the political sense, or, you know…

(CHUCKLES) but I mean, inner strength.

That’s what I think it is. Mind power, really, isn’t it?

It’s willpower, um…

And, uh, you know, am I a free willist? I’m a do-as-thou-willist.

So, it does make… It makes sense up there…

David…

Go on.

Have you had the dream again?

No.

No.

So what do you wanna talk about? Shoot.

Don’t read anything into that.

(CHUCKLES) Okay…

No, I just thought… When I said it, I thought of…

Don’t matter.

Okay, um… So what do you want to talk about?

That’s what we’re here for, so…

The band.

The band? Of course. Okay.

Yeah.

Tell me about the band.

That’s what’s happening.

Yeah?

We’re going on tour. Great bunch of guys.

And we’re… I’ve booked some gigs.

Taken the time off work, and gonna get A&R people along, get signed, put an album out.

Mmm-hmm. Can I ask you a question?

Go on.

What happens if you don’t get a record deal?

Failure is not an option.

Well, it is, David, isn’t it?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

She’s meant to big me up… make me feel better.

But it’s all like, “Oh, what if you fail? Be prepared.”

What a downer. She doesn’t mind me throwing money at her.

At least I enjoy my music. Do you know what I mean?

She makes me nervous. She’s always writing notes.

And I’m thinking, “What’s she writing?”

She could write anything. “He’s a pervert. He’s a loser.”

Gives me the creeps to be honest…

Next week, yeah. See you later.

Bye.

That’s the tour outfit.

I try to incorporate all my influences there, really.

It’s a bit new romantic but modern.

A bit Bublé. A bit David Essex.

We’re nearly there.

Off on tour. Getting everything ready.

Yeah, I get a sort of adrenaline rush when I think about it.

And that’s not fear. That’s like, “Let’s do this.”

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Let’s book a string of gigs.

Book a tour bus. Beautiful tour bus.

Top-of-the-range. State-of-the-art.

Air-conditioning, bunks.

It’s like a party on wheels. (LAUGHS)

Oh God, I hope we get some sleep.

I’m up and down the country all the time, you know.

On the road is where I really come alive.

So, just swapping the old Insignia for the tour bus. (CHUCKLES)

Here we go! (LAUGHING)

Oh…

Whassup? (LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

See you later.

Ah…

(ENGINE STARTING)

There’s not a lot of room on there, so we think it’s better I follow behind.

Good idea, in a way. (CHUCKLES)

Whassup…

Quite expensive, that bus.

So, I think they’ll enjoy it.

No, it’s right that the lead singer gets his own vehicle.

I think they’re thinking of me…

If my headspace is right, then the performance is better.

Clever.

Hotel. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, life on the road. Love it.

It’s all here.

Tea, coffee, TV, bed.

Just wanna sit down.

Desk, mirror.

(SWITCHES DRYER ON AND OFF)

Look at that.

It’s all here.

Ah, all right.

Sound check.

I love sound checks.

Checking all the sound and…

I love being backstage.

And the band have insisted I have my own dressing room, which is…

Yeah.

So, yeah.

(BAND MEMBERS LAUGHING)

MAN: Oh, my days.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Let’s go and say hello.

(CHUCKLES AND MUMBLES)

Drugs raid!

(CHUCKLES)

Your faces…

(MUTTERS AND LAUGHS)

No. (CLICKS TONGUE)

They don’t do drugs.

Unless you count alcohol. That is a drug, innit? So…

That’s what makes me laugh, all this, “Ban marijuana.”

Shut up.

Ban it? Why? It’s a drug, yeah?

So is your white wine.

(CHUCKLES)

Just a bit of weed.

Likkle bit of herb, innit?

What, you just chilling out?

BAND MEMBERS: Yeah.

Don’t blame you.

I think I’m gonna go and… (CHUCKLES)

See you later.

(DOOR CREAKING)

That’s bad, innit?

DAN: Do you wanna close it?

Huh?

Just close the door.

Yeah.

That needs oiling.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Can we get a bit of bass?

Two.

Two. One, two.

One, two. Oh!

Oh, yeah.

(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)

Yeah! Let’s go and get some beers.

You might as well stay up there, as you’re on in two minutes.

Really?

When do they open the doors?

They’re open.

No one’s come through to see the first band on.

For… We, uh…

Well, can you tell them they can come in for free?

Well, you won’t make any money, then.

I know, but we want a crowd, don’t we?

All right. (SIGHS)

Oh, God.

I haven’t even time to change into my stage gear.

It’s good that I’m always sort of dressed for rock, isn’t it?

(CHUCKLES)

DOM: Double denim?

Yeah.

DOM: I never double denim.

Always double denim.

Here they come. Come on in.

Welcome to Foregone Conclusion, Mark II. (CHUCKLES)

Not the original band. Um, long story.

Little bit of trivia though.

Mammogram’s nephew, Stu Monkford.

Yeah. Got all his uncle’s skills. Not the sexual assault.

He hasn’t any… Not yet, anyway.

His uncle didn’t start till he was 40, which is weird.

But as of now, this dude has not raped anyone.

Just do the songs, David.

♪ Sold my shack in Memphis

♪ Bought me a Chevrolet

♪ Six string in the back And a bottle of Jack

♪ And I headed down to Mexico way

♪ Singing ooh la la la

♪ Ooh la la la la lay

♪ Ooh la la la la la la la

♪ It’s a beautiful day ♪

Guitar solo.

Back to back.

He went down. Tried to style it out.

Just can’t believe it.

(BAND STOPS PLAYING)

I fell over.

DAN: Yeah, I know.

Do you think they noticed?

Yes.

I’m spending three weeks of my life on tour with this guy.

(CHUCKLES)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Here we go again.

♪ I work so hard Just to pay my bills

♪ I play even harder Yeah, life kills

♪ Now I’m burnin’ rubber on the M25

♪ Got a crazy weekend

♪ Some of us won’t make it out alive

♪ ‘Cause this is my day

♪ Thank fuck it’s Friday ♪

“I was worried about this tour,” he admits.

Yeah. “What if it’s a failure? What if no one comes?

“What if I haven’t got what it takes?”

Yeah.

And then, the ghost of Alexander O’Neal visited me in a dream one night, and said, “You have got what it takes, and you owe it to the world to do this.”

So…

But you know that was just you thinking that, don’t you?

I was dreaming it.

Well, either way, the ghost of Alexander O’Neal didn’t really come.

Hang on, Alexander O’Neal isn’t even dead, is he?

Luther Vandross.

Oh, okay.

It was Luther Vandross, not Alexander, who is dead, and one of the best soul singers that’s ever lived.

Or am I…

No, he’s good.

He’s good.

Ooh, from the horse’s mouth.

So…

Okay, and did Luther give you any other advice?

Did he talk about what it was costing?

Did he…

No, he just said it’s gonna keep going.

So I think that means this tour is gonna get better and better.

It’s not really a tour, though, is it?

Well…

It’s like seven or eight random gigs over a three-week period.

Well, I couldn’t fill all the dates.

But I’m gonna use that time to create a buzz.

It’s about… It’s the whole package with me.

Yeah, but this tour of yours is over such a contained area that we end up staying in these hotels, and you could just drive to each gig.

You know, last night, the drive from the gig to this hotel was further than it was to your house.

That’s the whole package. That’s what I’m talking about.

Okay, and do you know how many tickets we’ve sold for the next gig?

Do you wanna have a guess?

Not many. But don’t worry about that, because I’ve secured an interview on a radio station to sort all that out.

DOM: Radio 1?

No.

DOM: Absolute?

No.

DOM: Is it Capital…

Tadley FM.

♪ I lost my heart to a lady gypsy

♪ So long ago I forget her name

♪ But I still remember The smell of the flowers

♪ And the way my life Would never be the same ♪

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

That was Lady Gypsy by the chap sitting in front of me.

Now, you’ve never heard that track before because it’s never been released.

And it’s never been released because he doesn’t have a record deal.

Mmm, who could that be? (LAUGHING)

Well, you’ve probably never heard of him.

But, uh, stars from reality TV shows, such as Made In Chelsea and The Only Way Is Essex, they’re household names these days.

But I am sitting with one of the original docu-soap stars, David Brent.

Hello.

Now, for our listeners who’ve completely forgotten who you are, which I certainly have. My bad. Sorry. (LAUGHS)

Or who weren’t even born when The Office was on TV.

You were part of a BBC Two documentary that followed the life of a paper merchant in Slough, called Wernham Hogg.

Yeah. That’s right. Yeah.

It was a bit like The Call Centre, and you were a Neville of its day.

Well, I was the regional manager…

And how did it feel when people were just walking around, going,

“Oh, my God, that manager, he’s such an… idiot”?

Well, you know…

Didn’t care?

No, because…

You weren’t embarrassed?

No, ’cause not everyone was saying that…

Not even a little bit? Quite embarrassing.

No, because a lot of people thought it was very entertaining…

Yeah, we love a loser, don’t we? (LAUGHS)

Yeah…

Well, anyway, so you’re back, and you’re giving it another go.

Are you hoping to change people’s opinions of you this time?

I’m not doing that any more…

I’ll tell you what.

Seeing as you’re here, can we just play “Sausage or Pie”?

What is that?

Uh, we play it with all of our guests.

Basically, I say a manufacturer’s name, and you tell me if it’s a sausage or a pie.

Right. Okay.

Okay?

Now, you’ve got seven to knock Christopher Biggins off the top spot.

Now that guy really knows his sausages and his pies! (LAUGHING)

Okay.

Okay!

You ready? Pukka?

Yeah. Okay.

No, that’s wrong. I gotta take your first answer. It’s actually…

I didn’t know it was a question. I thought it was…

Fray Bentos?

Pie.

Very good. Johnsonville?

Pie.

Wrong.

It’s a sausage. Sorry. The clue was in the title, mate.

Right. Okay.

(LAUGHING)

You’re level with Todd Carty. Okay. Wing Wah?

Pie.

Sausage again.

I’m sorry…

Where did you get him from? (LAUGHS)

I thought he’d be good at this.

No, it’s just that it’s not…

Oh, we’re out of time, I’m afraid.

So, I didn’t even mention the gig.

And that was the whole point of doing this.

Sixteen tickets sold.

Waste of time.

And you only got one point on “Sausage or Pie”.

I don’t care about that shit!

People often say to me, they say, “Oi, Brent, you’re a philosopher.

“You’re a leader of men.

“You’re a great comedic mind.

“But is there anything you won’t joke about?”

And I always say, “Yes, the handicapped”.

So I will not laugh at them.

Or with them, just to be sure.

Also, you might get in trouble.

And that’s in this. It’s sort of a warning.

Part of the problem is the fact that he explains every single lyric.

Every single lyric.

We can’t just play a song.

Which… No.

They don’t really need explaining, do they?

ANDY: And we have to sit there with our instruments, waiting for the song to start.

STU: Yeah, it’s…

ANDY: That’s so… Yea.

STU: It’s excruciating.

♪ Oh, please don’t make fun Of the disableds

♪ There’s nothing funny about those

♪ Whether mental in the head

♪ Or mental in the legs

MIKE CHAPEL: We’ve been in a lot of bands together, and I’d say David is, sort of, the personification of… all of our most embarrassing moments ever, being in bands…

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

…magnified by about a hundred.

Yeah.

♪ Please be kind To the ones with feeble minds

♪ Help the awkward through a door

♪ Hold their hand

♪ If they’ve got one, understand

♪ You might have to feed

♪ The worst ones

♪ Through a straw

♪ It’s basically a head on a pillow

♪ Head on a pillow Head on a pillow

♪ Oh, please don’t make fun Of the disabled

♪ There’s nothing funny about those

♪ Whether mental in the head

♪ Or mental in the legs

♪ Doesn’t mean their sorrow doesn’t show

♪ Oh, no, no, no

♪ Oh, no, no, no ♪

(BAND STOPS PLAYING)

It’s for that little guy there.

Well done. Welcome.

DAN: No one’s coming to the gigs. Fundamentally, that’s the main problem.

David’s idea of problem solving, is just to throw more money at it.

I don’t know what to do with him. (CHUCKLES)

Speculate to accumulate. It’s business.

I’m thinking of spending more money ’cause it’s so worth it.

But if no one’s coming to the gigs…

I’ll get people to come to the gig.

I’ll pay someone to get people to come to the gig. I will… PR.

(SIGHS) This is like Brewster’s Millions.

That’s what I’m gonna do next. Get a PR.

Can you do cash?

Yes.

Cash in hand?

Like this.

What sort of stuff you looking for, then?

Radio interviews, press interviews, profile pieces.

First of all, let’s get you noticed.

Yeah.

Image. Sex.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Publicity shots.

Let’s do it.

Do you know any good photographers?

It’ll cost you if you want a real one.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah? What do you think?

Oh, it’s all so old-fashioned.

What do you mean?

Take your shirt off. Be like Beckham.

Okay.

BRIONY: Oh, no, that’s awful.

What?

When was the last time you shaved your back?

About a week ago.

You haven’t even got any tattoos.

DAVID: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo for bloody years.

Um, but when you’re the office manager, or representing a cleaning products company, you’ve got to present a certain image.

So I give them the squeaky-clean image. (CHUCKLES)

If they saw me at the weekend, they’d blow a fuse. (CHUCKLES)

(TATTOO NEEDLE BUZZING)

(GROANS)

Yeah.

I was gonna have “Slough,” um, but that didn’t tell the whole story.

‘Cause originally I’m from Reading, and I didn’t wanna piss off that crew.

Likewise, I didn’t wanna have “Reading” because, uh, the Slough posse would be like, “Oh, you traitor”.

So, um, yeah, I went with something that’s sort of all-encompassing, um, to show the scope of what I’m trying to do.

Sky is the limit.

Uh, I went with “Berkshire”. You know, keep everyone happy.

But, uh, I’m not good… with needles or pain.

It is painful. It is painful.

Are you nearly done?

About halfway.

Halfway? Come on.

Do you wanna see it?

Nah.

Go on. Have a look.

No, no, no. Just do it.

Just see if you like it.

I will like it.

Just… I’m just saying, just finish it, and let’s, um…

Oh, what’s that? Is that blood?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, fella. Easy. Sonia, give us a hand.

Haresh.

I said I didn’t wanna look, didn’t I?

All right.

Have some water.

That’s it. I’m not doing any more.

No, no. Come on. We’ll finish it up.

No, no, no.

No, that’s it. No, we’re not gonna finish it up.

At least let me clean it for you.

I said I didn’t wanna look, you made me look, and that’s what happens.

I’ll get a plaster on that.

(SIGHS)

It’s good, innit?

That’s there forever.

“You got any tattoos, David?” “Yeah.”

“Can I have a look?” “Yeah.”

Onwards and upwards. (SIGHS)

I’m looking forward to the next gig, actually, ’cause it’s a student union.

And it’s, um, a guaranteed crowd.

It’s their big Saturday night.

So, er, (CHUCKLES) yeah, let’s show them what we can do.

Here they are. The rabble. (CHUCKLES)

I beat ’em here easy. The old Insignia.

Sat nav. So…

What kept you? (CHUCKLES)

This way.

Uh-oh.

My ugly mug.

“David Brent. Shite Night”?

Why have they… That’s…

“The crappiest entertainment of the past 50 years.”

Fuck’s sake, David.

Well, I didn’t do it, did I?

(DOOR SLAMS)

They’re pissed off with me.

Like I made the poster.

It wasn’t their head on a piece of dog shit, was it?

It was mine, so…

I can’t do anything right.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

(SIGHS)

♪ Agadou dou dou dou

♪ Push pineapple shake the tree

♪ Agadou dou dou dou

♪ Push pineapple grind coffee ♪

DAVID: Come in.

Oh, embarrassing. You caught me.

Well, I didn’t catch you. I knocked.

You said, “Come in”.

Yeah, sorry.

Totally lost in the art of kata.

Er, Japanese.

So…

Right.

(IMITATES KARATE MOVE)

Do you do it?

What?

Martial arts?

No.

You’re on in ten minutes. Right.

You should.

Wado-Ryu would suit you ’cause you’re wiry.

So what you lack in power, you make up for in range and flexibility.

My problem is I’m literally all power.

So Shotokan. One punch. (GRUNTS)

So it’s like, “Oi, mate, I don’t want any trouble.”

“Well, I do.” “Oh, sorry.”

(IMITATES KARATE MOVES)

“Ooh, night-night, sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

“Sorry about the teeth. I know a good dentist, Dr. Gupta.

“Tell him Brent sent you. He’ll know what happened.”

I’m gonna wait outside.

See you later.

You all students?

STUDENTS: Yeah!

Yeah, thought so.

You just got up? (CHUCKLES) You know, in time for countdown.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, who wants a T-shirt?

STUDENTS: Yeah!

Yeah.

We’re selling these, but I’m gonna give one away now.

Look at this.

Say hello to my little friend. (CHUCKLES) Scarface.

Yeah! (CHEERS)

(LAUGHS)

Let’s get this party started. Now…

Chris Martin’s best friend is Jay Z.

Frank Sinatra had Sammy Davis, Jr.

I’ve got one, too.

Please welcome Dom Johnson. Whoo! (CHUCKLES)

Black. Well, mixed race.

DOM: I’m only actually used, when you check it, on like two or three songs.

And it’s his dad that’s the white one.

DOM: You know, the rest of the time, I’m just standing around at the side of the stage.

Watching his back and the audience’s faces.

DAVID: This one’s called Equality Street.

Ah!

♪ Let me take you down Equality Street ♪

MIKE: I’m starting to regret having taken this on.

I’m sorry, lads. It’s a complete joke.

I don’t think any of us could have predicted…

Just how mental he is.

It’s our reputation, innit. That’s the problem.

What we gonna… Who’s gonna take us on?

♪ Deyo, deyo, deyo, me say deyo

♪ Biddly, biddly, biddly, biddly, Biddly, biddly, bong yo ♪

He just has me rapping about a lot of weird shit, you know, that I personally wouldn’t normally rap about.

♪ Black people aren’t crazy

♪ Fat people aren’t lazy

♪ And dwarves aren’t babies

♪ You can’t just pick ’em up

♪ They got rights

♪ And anyway don’t assume you could

♪ They’re not light ♪

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hiya. Hiya.

DAN: I’m no Lothario, believe me, but, um, he is the worst person, um, around women I think I’ve ever seen.

DOM: My mum used to say there’s someone out there for everyone.

And I think for David especially, it’s important to believe that.

Because… you just gotta hope and pray deep down that there’s somebody out there who’s just totally given up on life that could make him very happy.

It’s just…

Excuse me. Can we have the bill, please?

Oh, shall I put it on your room?

(CHUCKLES) Rooms. We’re not…

Separate rooms.

So you want separate bills?

No, no, no. Put it on my room, 106.

But “no” that we’re not… (CHUCKLES) I wouldn’t. Not with him.

And not because he’s a black man.

Because he’s a man. (CHUCKLES)

I’d do it with a black woman, for example.

Not you.

Well, yes, you. Yeah.

If you were consenting and above legal age, which you obviously are.

Not obviously.

So…

DOM: As soon as he’s around women, it’s like he can’t relax, you know, and that’s all he needs to do.

(SIGHS) Thirty-five. So let’s make that 50, shall we?

£15 tip.

Think what I’d spend on her if we were having intercourse.

DOM: Suddenly something just switches.

It’s like a wall of Jenga that just… It just crumbles.

She’s happy.

DOM: There’s a moment you can just hear his body collapse.

It’s bizarre.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

KAREN: Hello, Lavichem.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(LAUGHS) Oh.

Brentmeister.

Hello? Battersea Home for Retired Penguins. Maurice speaking.

DAVID: I’m depressed.

Oh, what’s up?

The gigs are shit, the band don’t talk to me, can’t get anyone along.

This is my last chance, you know.

If I don’t get signed now…

I’m running out of money and I’m running out of time.

I’m so fed up.

Come on, mate.

This ain’t like you.

You remember what you said to me once?

“It’s not how hard you can hit, it’s how hard you can get hit and still keep moving forward.”

It’s from Rocky, mate. It’s from Rocky.

Yeah… but when you said it, it made me think about life.

Whereas he was just talking about boxing.

No, he meant it metaphorically in the movie, so…

Yeah. Still, though, innit?

Don’t tell anyone about this phone call.

All right then, I won’t.

See you later.

See you later.

Was that David?

Uh, yeah.

Is he okay?

No, a bit low.

You know, rock ‘n’ roll pressures.

Mmm. Dear.

Me knackers.

Hmm?

Well, oh, just what David says.

Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

(AS HO LEE FUK) Why you no risten, sirry rady?

Ho Lee Fuk.

(NORMAL) Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Yeah.

MIRIAM: Hiya.

Hiya.

You okay?

Yeah.

You missing David?

(CHUCKLES)

I am, a bit.

(HORN HONKING)

Look, Nigel, don’t start playing with all that crap.

You’re not in charge.

I don’t think all this is good for him.

MIRIAM: What, the tour?

No, this.

This documentary.

I think he’s only doing it ’cause he thought it would be better than the first time.

But it’s not better, it’s worse.

Why is it worse?

You know, he was the boss at Wernham Hogg.

And he worked with basically nice people.

And here he’s not the boss, you know, and it’s mainly worse because the world’s worse.

It’s dog eat dog.

(HORN HONKS)

Keep the fucking noise down.

Keep the fucking noise down, you silly cunt.

Sit fucking down, silly bollocks.

Fuck me.

Stop fucking playing up to the cameras, yeah?

Jane, hello.

Yes.

Jezza?

We will… Hang on a second, please?

Why do you… Jezza!

Hello.

Why do you talk to people like that?

Why are you such a bully?

I’m trying to fucking work, babe.

Don’t care.

So is everyone else.

He’s only having a laugh. Look at him.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Another day, another dollar. (CHUCKLES)

Checking in.

Want an early morning alarm call? No. (CHUCKLES)

David, we’re gonna need your card.

Yeah.

So now he’s saying we gotta save money, so… we gotta be in a twin room. Sharing.

You know, it’s… it’s awkward, man.

It’s just not gangsta.

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

DAVID: Hey.

Just writing a song about the, uh, plight of the Native American, so…

Which is a cause very close to my heart, innit?

Is it?

Yeah, I’m always going on about it.

So listen.

♪ Oh, oh, your red heart rages

♪ Cut down, burned out And put in cages

♪ You came in peace Held up your hand

♪ How

♪ We cut it off And we stole your land

♪ Oh, oh, Native American

♪ Soar like an eagle Sit like a pelican

♪ Oh, oh, don’t call us Indians

♪ We’re more like West Eurasians crossed with Siberians ♪

Have you been on Wikipedia?

Have I been on what? (CHUCKLES)

Wikipedia.

Yeah. “Migrated from West Eurasia and Siberia, 15…”

So knowledge is knowledge.

I prefer my songs to be factually accurate. (CHUCKLES)

Where’s the bit about them sitting like pelicans?

That’s not in there, is it?

Is it a fact though?

It’s an artist’s opinion.

What artist?

Me.

Right.

Because it sounds like a dis, though.

It’s not a dis.

Native Americans love to be called animals.

Things like Soaring Eagle, Running Bear, Lone Wolf.

Yeah, but that’s different. That’s bears, wolves, eagles.

They’re like cool animals, bruv.

All right.

Pelican’s like a joke bird.

No.

It’s like a little squat thing with that fat little throat and that.

Oh… animal racist.

This next song is about the greatest place in the world, Slough.

Everything in this song is factually accurate.

So you might learn something as well.

♪ More convenient than a Tesco Express

♪ Close to Windsor But the property’s less

♪ It keeps the businesses Of Britain great

♪ It’s got Europe’s Biggest trading estate

♪ It doesn’t matter where you’re from

♪ You wanna work Then come along

♪ The station’s just got a new floor

♪ And the motorway runs by your door

♪ And you know just where you’re headin’

♪ It’s equidistant ‘Tween London and Reading

♪ Oh, oh, oh, Slough

♪ Slough

♪ My kind of town

♪ I don’t know how

♪ Anyone could put you down

♪ Oh, oh, oh, Slough ♪

Ooh, yeah! Slough.

Right, who wants a T-shirt? Yeah! Whoo!

Here we go. (CHUCKLES)

(CROWD GASP)

STEVE: You play a show, and just when you think it can’t get any worse, you shoot a fat girl in the face with a T-shirt gun.

That was just ridiculous, really, wasn’t it?

I didn’t really know whether to laugh or cry.

There’s been quite a few moments like that, I think.

There have, yeah.

Accidents will happen.

So… someone got shot in the face by a T-shirt gun. You know, let’s not make a drama out of it.

I let her keep the T-shirt, so… It won’t fit her.

She won’t get anywhere near it. (SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Briony?

What?

What are you doing?

Getting off with a bloke.

What did you think of the gig?

I didn’t see it. I was getting off…

You were getting off with a bloke. Yeah, sure.

Good, innit?

Paying them… to get off with people.

It’s a new job description, innit?

All aboard.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

What if I did that? What if I just got off with people all the time?

Willy-nilly.

Cheers.

…stay at his house because you won’t sort yourself out.

Hiya.

All right?

Just getting some cash out to go to a club?

Yeah.

For a drink? (CHUCKLES) No need.

I’ve just played here. I’m in a band.

They’re doing a documentary about me.

So I’m staying in a… In a hotel.

So if you wanna come back for a drink, I got a minibar and it’s…

Can we stay?

Yep.

So…

We got beer, wine.

MO: Was that champagne?

Yeah, but it’s 25 quid and they’re just half bottles, so it’s not worth it.

There’s two half bottles though.

Yeah, exactly. So 50 then.

MO: Oh, there’s Toblerone.

Yeah, they’re a fiver each. Two, tenner.

Give me one.

Sixty so far. That’s good, innit?

It’s great.

Yeah.

Straight in the Toblerone, eh?

Have you not eaten?

Not since dinner.

(MUMBLES)

Here we go.

Yeah. Come on, party.

(ALL CHEER)

Get that down you.

(LAUGHING)

Chocolate, champagne.

CAT: Cheers.

Cheers. Right.

MO: Cheers.

I like it here.

Take your jackets off.

Yeah, I will, actually.

I haven’t got any clean pants.

DAVID: Huh?

She hasn’t got any clean pants.

Oh, it’s hot.

It is hot.

Put them on the radiator.

So, what do you two do?

Work in an office.

(CHUCKLES) Do you?

Yeah? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

Office.

(CHOMPING)

(SIGHS)

(SWISHING)

I still think there’s some mouthwash if you…

No, I’m all right.

What is it?

Just chocolate and crisps and nuts…

Yeah, peanuts.

…and it’s stuck in your teeth, is it?

No.

CAT: Nightmare, aren’t they?

Yeah, pain, ain’t they?

MO: Gets worse when you get older and then you get that sort of smell.

CAT: Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Nothing happened.

Huh?

Just saying… Nothing happened. She slept in that bed. Didn’t you?

Ate her way through the minibar.

What?

You had a little picnic last night, didn’t you?

With the chocolate and crisps?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Bit constipated today, though.

DAVID: Yes, you would be.

So, there you go. Good one, the other one, left. Left to…

Apparently, just wanted to stay somewhere ’cause her flat’s being done, isn’t it?

Yeah. Yeah, it’s a bit of a bomb site at the moment.

The council are putting a new bathroom in. But it was nice to have a lie-in…

Yeah.

…and have a lovely bath.

So perfect.

Oh…

Hiya. Right, okay.

So, nothing happened. Okay?

(MUMBLES) Is that a woman?

‘Course it’s a woman.

She stayed in that bed, and she made her way through that little lot.

DOM: She ate all of that?

Yes.

She’s gonna be constipated.

She is.

If you tell the band I got off with a bird…

But you didn’t.

No. No.

But if you want to do some banter with them, like,

“Oh, David got off with a girl last night.” And don’t…

No. I just won’t say anything.

You can, but listen.

Just don’t describe her. Okay? Don’t be specific…

I’m off here, David.

See you later. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks for the snack and that.

Not a problem.

I’ll… Snack, yeah. I’ll clean that up.

All right.

Okay. Ta-ta, then.

Bye.

(MO GROANS)

So, what… So, yeah. Yeah.

My good deed for the… £200 good deed.

Pop that in your little expense account, shall we?

A daily ritual is phoning around all the record companies, just trying to get one of them to come down and see you live.

Half the time, they’re not there.

Half the time we don’t get through.

I managed to get one of them to bite by pretending to be the manager of my own band. (CHUCKLES)

Which I am, in a way.

(MAN OVER PHONE) What are they called?

Foregone Conclusion.

Awful name. Yeah.

I told them that.

I’m gonna make them change it. Don’t worry about that.

But don’t hold that against them.

Mmm-hmm.

They’re a good bunch of guys.

Sure.

So, yeah.

Sure. Yeah, okay.

Well, I’ll get one of the scouts to listen to the demo, and he can pop down.

Okay?

Okay.

Right, see you. Yep. Bye.

Cheers.

(CHUCKLES)

Right. Off to the sound check. I can’t wait to tell Dom.

This is what it’s all about, so…

(CHUCKLES)

The venue, isn’t it?

Oh, God. Hi, boys.

Ah…

Has he been telling everyone I got off with a bird last night? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, what, the big one? Yeah, we saw her. She was at breakfast.

She was loading up on eggs.

Oh, man, that’s gonna make her even more constipated.

(EXHALES)

DAN: Yeah, eggs.

BAND MEMBER: Dan?

DAN: I’m coming.

DAVID: Er…

Don’t tell the boys, I don’t wanna stress them, but I’ve been winding up a record company and they’re sending someone down.

Tonight?

Yeah. I said, “Cruise down. I’ll stick you on the list.”

So, uh, you might wanna let them know they are with a winner.

(CHUCKLES)

I thought you said I shouldn’t tell the band?

No, I know. I don’t wanna, you know, worry ’em ’cause they’re probably not used to the big league, but, you know, let them know there is a big buzz around Mr D. Brent, ipso facto, anyone on his team.

Don’t you wanna tell them?

No.

They don’t talk to me.

They don’t even have a drink with me, do they?

Why don’t they have a drink with me after the gig?

You know, I am paying them. Tell them to have a drink with me.

It’s just rude. Just go and ask them. Let’s have a drink tonight.

Oh… (CHUCKLES)

He’s excited. Gonna tell the band.

(DAVID LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

They said, um, that you pay for their stage time and rehearsal time, but their time is their own and, um, you’re not paying for that. So…

Okay. Would they have a drink with me if I paid them for their time to have a drink with me? Go and ask.

(SIGHS)

DOM: This is what David is.

He’s like the boy that owns the football but he doesn’t really know the rules of the game.

It’s his ball, right? So you have to… You can’t play without him.

You know what I’m saying? But you kinda know he’s gonna ruin it a little bit.

They said, uh, they’ll drink with you for 25 quid an hour each.

Um, but you buy the drinks.

Okay. Tell them to meet me in the hotel bar after the gig.

All right. Do I have to come?

You wanna come.

But I’m not getting paid?

No. No.

And tell them not to tell anyone I’m paying them to have a drink.

Just… have a…

(SIGHS)

Oh…

Trying to organise some beers after to celebrate, so…

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(BAND PLAYING)

(DAVID SIGHS)

Hi. Should be on the list for Foregone Conclusion.

Toke Records.

Hello.

David Brent.

Oh, hi.

Thanks for coming down. What’s your name?

Pog.

Pog?

Yeah, and this is my mate, Jeremy.

Hi.

These dudes are on my list. Tick ’em off.

So, uh, did you hear the demo, yeah?

No. How old are the band?

What, combined? (CHUCKLES)

What?

They’re about…

There’s four of ’em, 25 years old each. I don’t know, 100?

Plus the lead singer. (CHUCKLES)

You do the maths.

Is the lead singer cool?

You do the… judge of that when you see him.

And ask yourself, “Is Mick Jagger cool, 73?

“Is Bob Dylan cool, 75?

“Is Sting cool?”

No.

What?

Sting isn’t cool.

Oh…

Check it out. Listen.

Open your mind and listen. You’ll enjoy it.

Have a good one.

Cheers, man.

(EXHALES) Fucking hell. How old is he? About 12?

Chill out, dude. This is rock ‘n’ roll.

And Sting is cool.

Ooh!

Yeah.

We are Foregone Conclusion. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, we got a little treat now. We are gonna get a little bit funky.

Um, I say a little bit, but probably too funky for some.

This one is called Ain’t No Trouble. It’s through the eyes of an old Rasta.

Don’t do the voice.

You gotta do the voice.

No, you don’t.

You do.

So it’s sort of like he’s saying, “Oh, whatever happens to me, as long as I’ve got me woman, you know, you can do what you like, Lord.”

So, it’s sort of like a message.

Called Ain’t No Trouble.

DOM: I mean, you think it’s painful to watch.

Yeah, I have to stand on the stage next to him while he’s doing it.

It’s what the dreads in UB40 have been going through for 30 years.

♪ I can work all day Just to earn a dollar

♪ I can break my bones You never hear me holler

♪ I can lose my home I’m kicked out in the street

♪ If my baby’s by my side Then life is sweet ♪

DOM: Maybe ’cause I’m there, he wants to play up to it or he wants to be accepted.

But I think people would accept him if he just was himself.

♪ I could lose my job

♪ But it would be fine

♪ ‘Cause I could still find The odd snob to rob

♪ I could get chucked out

♪ Of my mum’s house But it could be fun

♪ Sleeping rough When the sun’s out

♪ I could lose my voice

♪ But I’d manage to still do

♪ Some sick rhyme damage With sign language

♪ You can take what’s mine

♪ Almost anything X-Box, wedding ring, fish tank, terrapin

♪ Poke me in the eyeball, pull out a gun Say something spiteful about my mum

♪ Tease my dog So he doesn’t even know it

♪ By going to throw a bone But just pretending to throw it

♪ Make death threats, yeah Then I have to guess where

♪ Then when I get there Pull out my chest hair

♪ Head-butt me in the nuts if you want

♪ ‘Cause ain’t no trouble Like losing the one you love

♪ Ain’t no trouble like trouble

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ When you lose the one you love

♪ Come on, come on

♪ Ain’t no trouble like trouble

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ When you lose the one you love

♪ Come on, come on ♪

What did you think?

Dreadful. Embarrassing. I mean, the rap was all right, but… not with some middle-aged uncle at a wedding dancing around.

♪ Then I see this face And she smiles at me

♪ If I died right then… ♪

ANDY: He’s excruciating, uh, on stage and off.

And now we gotta go and have a drink with him, you know. I mean, it’s awkward.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Oh, right. Okay.

Hey. (CHUCKLES)

After show.

Cheers, David.

Thanks, man.

Cheers.

Cheers. Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers, mate.

Nice.

God.

Twitter. Or texting.

It’s all social media, isn’t it?

The iPhone, the iPod…

Ten thousand songs in the palm of your hand, yeah?

Yes, please. (CHUCKLES)

No more lugging round me albums. Let’s play a record. Let’s get it out.

God, let’s get it out the sleeve.

I like vinyl.

I like vinyl.

Yeah, I love the whole thing of the paraphernalia.

Oh, Arctic Monkeys. Yeah. (BLOWS) Stylus.

Oh, I love this one.

You do like it?

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Especially if it is something like the Arctic Monkeys or…

Foo Fighters.

About time England won a World Cup, innit?

BAND MEMBER: Yeah.

(EXHALES HEAVILY) 1966. Sort it out.

There’s some fresh blood coming through the ranks now, though.

Got some good players. They need to be managed, though.

Sturridge.

Yeah, come and play for us, boy.

Not all this thing, “You can’t have foreign players”.

Well, he was born in England.

No, I know. But it’s like…

You can’t have foreign players in an international team.

No.

It’s just for clubs.

I know. I’m saying get him in, get him up front. Let’s get some goals.

Dom? Bob Marley.

Hmm?

Am I right?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm.

Same again?

No, I can’t.

No? See you later.

Cheers.

Thanks for the drinks, David.

Yeah, not a problem, mate.

See you tomorrow. (CHUCKLES) Lightweights.

Where are you going?

I just…

No, we’re gonna have another one.

Really?

We’re gonna have a laugh.

Come on.

Yeah.

You’re the only one who cares, if I’m being honest.

Cheers, man.

Yeah.

You’re my n*gga.

Whoa!

Hey, David, you can’t say that.

You are.

You are my real n*gga.

Stop… You don’t say that.

What?

Listen. You can’t say that.

I can say it, maybe. You can’t say it.

Well you call me it, then.

I’m not gonna…

Call me a n*gga. Please.

I’m not gonna call you…

I’m not gonna do that.

Call me a n*gga.

Just, shh, okay…

Call me a n*gga.

Stop saying that.

You’re… you’re my n*gga. Okay?

Yeah.

All right.

Cheers.

Great, go to bed. Jesus.

That’s your credit card.

What?

That’s your credit card.

It’s not working.

It’s a credit… It’s not…

Cool, dudes.

Battle of the Bands, innit? (CHUCKLES)

A great night. They do it every month, you know.

Each band gets along as many of their fans as they can to watch them.

The promoter gets down some record companies.

And we battle it out. (CHUCKLES)

It’s not a competition. You know, we could all get signed.

Um, but you do go on in order of how many people you got along.

So the more you get along, the later you go on, and a better warmed up crowd you play to.

Right, you’re on first, guys.

Great.

How many people did we get?

Doesn’t matter.

PROMOTER: Two.

Glad I said it didn’t matter before I found out.

So, proves I’m telling the truth.

That’s so depressing.

DAVID: He’s joking, ain’t you?

No point in playing to the converted all the time.

Let’s get on there and win over the other bands’ fans.

Come on, chop-chop.

Yeah. Ah, whoo!

Come on.

Hello. (CHUCKLES) Oh…

We are Foregone Conclusion. Come through. We’re all in this together.

Doesn’t matter what band you’ve come to see.

Let’s see all the bands, yeah?

We’re gonna kick off with a song called Native American.

Um… (CHUCKLES)

Typical Brent, getting political straight away.

No, it’s all about how the white man went and, sort of, slaughtered them and enslaved them.

And it’s about time someone said something, so…

Guilty. (CHUCKLES)

Although they are having the last laugh.

So they can do what they like now in them reservations, can’t they?

Gambling, prostitution, probably. I don’t know.

But definitely gambling. Swings and roundabouts.

I don’t think they pay tax, do they?

Stop talking. Let’s just do the song.

Yeah.

And, uh, you’ll also learn why they don’t like being called Red Indians any more.

So, Native American.

STEVE: I don’t think there’s any real racism on David’s part.

I just think he just doesn’t quite get it, does he?

Yeah, totally.

♪ White man’s eyes too blind to see

♪ A gentle race so wild and free

♪ They called you savages Called you bad

♪ But the scalping thing Was only when you got real mad

♪ So

♪ Oh, oh Native American

♪ Soar like an eagle Sit like a pelican

♪ Oh, oh, don’t call us Indians

♪ We’re more like West Eurasians Crossed with Siberians

(CHANTING)

Everyone.

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

♪ Oh, oh Native American

♪ Soar like an eagle Sit like a pelican ♪

(GROANS)

Wasn’t great, but would have been better. There was a little surprise.

Dom was meant to come on during Native American and didn’t.

Why didn’t you come on?

I couldn’t.

Why not?

Something came over me.

Ooh, stage fright?

No, dignity.

Don’t think you can get more dignified than a great warrior, so…

I’m not even a Native American.

No, you’re the closest thing we’ve got, and that’s a fact. So…

Okay, Madonna Kebab have pulled out.

Anyone wanna go on early?

We’re not going on early.

We can go on again. We’ve got loads of songs.

No, you’re all right.

DOM: No, I can do it.

I could do one of my tracks.

In that?

Yeah, I got a backing track. Not in this. I’ll take this off. Two minutes.

You got your stuff now? Come on, then. Hurry up.

No.

Come on, then.

You don’t wanna do that. Backing track at a Battle of the Bands.

Didn’t know it was karaoke.

♪ Yo, I’m tired of this minimum wage

♪ Tired of this cage Tired of not being on the stage

♪ Tired of no one reading What I’m writing on the page

♪ Tired of hanging out With guys twice my age

♪ But what’s the use of dreams To a human being

♪ If they always prove unseen

♪ If I am who I think I am

♪ Then I gotta transform Be a better man

♪ And if you are who you think you are

♪ You should be above the clouds You should be a star

♪ From what I see I’m sure it’s hard

♪ Can we be more Than the cards we’re dealt?

MAN: Yeah!

♪ Yeah

♪ Maybe this is just the start

♪ Why can’t we change The cards we’re dealt?

♪ Well, it’s more real Than anything I ever felt

♪ But I’m feeling like an irrelevance

♪ I wanna soar with eagles Not waddle with pelicans

♪ Okay true They’re birds of prey, too

♪ But not the cool ones You want associated with you

♪ Still I wouldn’t mind the wingspan

♪ I could fly away From always being everybody’s wingman

♪ I’m proper different You gotta listen

♪ I want a living where I got a bit more Than a pot to piss in

♪ I’m about to prove I can kick it off soon

♪ My time is overdue like a synagogue roof Come on

♪ Na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na, na

Everybody, come on.

♪ Na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na, na

Come on and put your hands in the air.

♪ Na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na, na

Keep them hands in the air. Keep them coming, come on.

♪ Na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ It’s more real Than anything I ever felt ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

DOM: Thank you.

Thank you.

What did you think?

Ah, I wasn’t really watching, mate.

I was just, um…

Er, you know…

I like the lyric about the eagles and pelicans.

Yeah, it’s like a reference…

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Yeah, a week ago, you didn’t like songs with pelicans in.

No, I’m saying, I don’t…

What is going on, bruv? So…

Hey, dude came back. Pog.

I’m Pog.

I, er, work for Toke Records.

Toke Records, there it is.

Did you write that?

Yeah. Yeah.

Like I write the raps, but also make little backing tracks, like, on my laptop.

Have you ever demoed them properly?

Yeah. We’re always in the studio.

No…

I’m trying to mix rap with real songs.

I do my own songs as well.

Are you his manager?

A bit more than that.

Yeah. Come on.

So…

No, I’m solo.

Why are you lying?

POG: Right, yeah. Well, anyway, give us a call and come in for a chat.

Will do.

Yeah, wicked. Cheers, bruv.

Yeah. Brilliant. Cheers.

Let’s have a look at that.

No, it’s…

What? What? I can’t even look at it now?

What has gotten into you?

(CLEARS THROAT)

DOM: (SOFTLY) “Tired of this rap race…

“And that chase…

“That chase…”

(DAVID SIGHS HEAVILY)

(DOM MUMBLING)

Are you gonna bother calling that Pog for a meeting?

Yeah. Yeah, I thought I would.

Yeah.

Hear him out and make a decision.

Yeah.

Do you want me to come with you?

No.

No?

No, you’re all right.

So he doesn’t think you’re just a…

Some idiot off the street?

(SCOFFS)

That you got the big boys behind you if you want.

I just wanna go and see what he’s got to say…

Right, and…

…and… Yeah.

You want them to tear you a new one, do you?

And screw you? ‘Cause that’s what they do.

Yeah?

No.

I’m gonna hear him out.

No!

Ah, you’re gonna hear him out, okay.

I’m just gonna finish this line.

Yeah.

This verse.

Have you got a rhyme for “gullible”?

Day off today. (CHUCKLES)

I tried to get a gig in tonight but I couldn’t, so I’m just chillaxing all day.

(CHUCKLES)

Not bad, is it?

So, here he is.

What are you doing today?

I’m going home. I live about four miles away.

(CHUCKLING) I’m staying. I’ve paid for it.

Final gig tomorrow. I’ve saved the best till last. Typical.

Um, we’re gonna do a Christmas song.

I’ve had it for a while, actually, and it’s based on a true story.

Um, I read about this, uh, orphan kid in the local paper.

Um, he was dying and he just wanted to stay alive till Christmas.

And this sort of imagines me singing to him, with all the stuff that he’s going through, not to worry, because Santa’s coming. It’s really sweet.

Um, and I’ve arranged for snow to fall.

Magic moment. Production value.

David, sorry.

Yeah.

I meant to say, I heard back from the hire company.

Yep.

The snow is gonna cost 1,500 quid. So, you know, not worth it really.

Well, none of it’s been worth it, has it? So…

The whole tour’s been… 20 grand down. (CHUCKLES)

I thought there’d be incomings. There wasn’t.

Just all outgoings.

Might as well just spend another 1,500 quid and…

Well, no, I mean that’s… Don’t do that.

That’s throwing good money after bad, David.

Just cut your losses.

If I cut my losses… (STUTTERS)

Why? You know, I thought it’d be a tour with a band.

It’s not a band. They’re not even staying here on their day off.

They’re away. No one’s come to see us.

We’re not gonna get signed. So…

So don’t waste more money.

Why not?

What, why not? Why not what?

Do you think I’m a prat?

No. No.

I think…

To be honest, I think you’re…

I think you’re chasing something that…

I can’t have.

…that you don’t need.

That’s not gonna… That’s not gonna help.

What do you mean?

(STAMMERS) I mean, I think… (SIGHS)

You seem to think that unless you’re on stage performing, that people aren’t gonna like you.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

They’re probably not.

Well, then why would you wanna be liked by people like that anyway?

You know, you don’t have to be on stage to be worth something.

(SIGHS)

And people who like you are still gonna like you even if you’re not performing.

Problem is not a lot of people like me, do they? (CHUCKLES)

Don’t spend any more money on this tour, okay? Please?

Don’t cash in another pension or whatever. I’ll do the rest for free.

The snow costs 1,500 quid, so you…

We don’t need snow, David.

We don’t need it.

And… for the record, I like you.

Yeah? (CHUCKLES)

Don’t make me say it again.

All right? Have a good day.

See you later.

Dan’s right. We don’t need snow.

I’m usually really good with budgets.

But I never dreamt so few people would wanna come along and see us.

You know, I was…

If the gigs would have sold out, I would have only lost about eight grand.

Which is fine, particularly if a record company would have liked us.

But…

I just wanted some shitty snow. Just as a magic moment, you know.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Don’t cry, it’s Christmas Santa’s coming soon

♪ Though you ain’t got a mummy or daddy

♪ Santa still loves you

♪ And he’s riding on his reindeer

ANDY: It’s been an interesting tour, this.

Um, I think we possibly took it all a little bit too seriously when we were in the middle of it all.

Um, but, actually, it’s definitely one of the funniest tours I’ve ever been on.

I quite like Brent.

♪ Don’t cry, it’s Christmas Santa’s feeling fine

♪ Though you know you’ll never see him

♪ He’s not just in your mind

♪ And it’s not that he’s invisible It’s because you’re going blind

♪ But don’t cry, it’s Christmas Santa’s feeling fine

You know what? End of the day, it’s better than a proper job.

Like it’s… it’s been all right.

Few drinks, few gigs.

Could have been worse.

♪ Though he’s got a billion children He’s only got one day

♪ You’ve got slightly less than that If I were you I’d pray

♪ But don’t cry, it’s Christmas

♪ Everything’s okay

(CROWD MURMURING AND LAUGHING)

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ It’s Christmas

DAN: I may have been an idiot, but I paid for the snow.

Yes, of course it’s a waste of money. It’s a huge waste of money.

Um, but at least it’s my money. At least it’s not more of his.

And, to be fair, I’ve made more than enough out of him.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ It’s Christmas

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ It’s Christmas ♪

DAVID: I don’t need to be a rock star, you know?

That’s just something I enjoy doing.

I can live without being “a success.” (CHUCKLES)

But, um… I couldn’t have lived without trying.

And I did that.

So… And everything works out, doesn’t it?

You think you want one thing along the way, and then you realise you needed something else.

Life’s a struggle… with little beautiful surprises that make you wanna carry on through all the shit to the next little beautiful surprise. (CHUCKLES)

So, yeah, all good.

He’s back. (LAUGHS)

Christ. See you, Kaz.

Did you miss me?

Did you have fun?

(LAUGHING) Fun’s not the word.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah, it was fun.

(LAUGHING)

NIGEL: Here he comes.

Come on.

What resilience from a human being.

I’ve never known anyone like him.

(EXCLAIMING AND LAUGHING)

How are you?

Buzzing, mate.

Good.

Absolutely buzzing.

Yes, mate.

Best time of my life.

And everything worked out brilliant, you know.

Dom’s got a little record deal.

♪ If I am who I think I am

♪ Then I gotta transform Be a better man ♪

DAVID: Making a single. Toke Records.

I invited them down. I said, “Come out and check out this kid”.

They went, “All right”. Boom.

The band are on tour with Peter Andre.

So they’ve fallen on their feet.

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Mysterious girl I wanna get close to you ♪

DAVID: And I’ve worked out, if I do overtime, work Saturdays for about eight or nine months, I can do it all again. Just call them up.

“It’s back on. We’re gonna kick some more arse.”

Brent? Got Bob Wonk on the phone.

He needs jam rags ASAP.

On it.

Simon Cowell didn’t sign you up, then?

(ALL LAUGHING)

No. No.

Banta.

KAREN: I feel… I do quite feel sorry for him, to be honest.

The boys here, they’re quite rude to him.

And I know he’s obviously gone on this tour and he’s doing all that, but I kinda feel like… (BREATHES DEEPLY)

Sorry, I don’t know why I’m getting emotional.

I just feel like…

I can see through it sometimes.

His smiles.

I hope he does well.

They can laugh.

They’re no better than me.

Just ’cause they’re reps who like being reps, and I’m a rep who wants to be something else.

With that attitude, they’ll be reps for the rest of their life.

I might be a rep for the rest of my life, but… I was a rock star once.

Useless prick now though, ain’t you?

(ALL LAUGHING)

What are you good at, eh? Nothing.

(ALL GASP)

JEZZA: Fuck.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Knobhead.

I thought you was great.

At what?

I came to see you play last week.

Oh, I… I didn’t see you.

No, I just snuck in. I didn’t wanna put you off.

(LAUGHS) Cheers.

Want a coffee?

No, I’m… Got a free one coming.

(CHUCKLES)

Costa.

Actually, I got two coming, I think.

Do you want one?

Yes, please.

Two coffees, coming up. (CHUCKLES)

Shall I come with you?

If you want. Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Oh, God.

Oh, trust me. I’m already thinking of a new song.

PAULINE: Just from going for coffee?

Yeah. It’s what I do.

I sort of take everyday situations, and then I look at them from a different perspective.

It’s gonna be a Coldplay vibe, I think. ‘Cause that’s what Chris Martin does.

He gets really mundane things and he makes them about the universe, and stars, and electricity and shit, so…

It’s interesting.

Yeah, probably stick it in C major.

Is that your favourite chord?

Just a bit, yeah.

Guilty.

(PAULINE CHUCKLES)

♪ I was looking up to heaven

♪ It was right under my nose

♪ I had travelled many light years

♪ It was right across the road

♪ A billion trillion grains of stardust

♪ Floating round in space

♪ Two of them collided

♪ In an ordinary place

♪ We are electricity

♪ We will never die

♪ We’ll just burn and burst

♪ And return to the sky

(VOCALISING)

♪ This world can’t contain you

♪ Gravity won’t restrain you

♪ Fly with me

♪ High with me

♪ High

♪ We are electricity

♪ We will never die

♪ We’ll just burn and burst

♪ And return to the sky

♪ We are electricity

♪ The universe reflects in you and me

♪ We’re electricity

♪ The universe reflected

♪ We are electricity

♪ The universe reflects in you and me

♪ We’re electricity

♪ Just when I least expected

♪ We are electricity

♪ The universe reflects in you and me

♪ We’re electricity

♪ Just when I least expected

♪ Half a tank should get me to Millbank

♪ I fill her up and head down to Sidcup

♪ It’s just a meeting It’s only fleeting

♪ It’s just a pitch And then I’m up to Ipswich

♪ Life on the road

♪ Don’t need a heavy load

♪ Foot down to the floor

♪ Seventy miles an hour But no more

(VOCALISING)

♪ Wheeler dealing no feeling

♪ Strictly business I’m killin’ it in Widnes

♪ Then to Gloucester I get a Costa

♪ Hard shoulder Coffee holder

♪ Life on the road

♪ Don’t need a heavy load

♪ Foot down to the floor

♪ Seventy miles an hour But never more

(VOCALISING)

♪ Life on the road

♪ Don’t need a heavy load

♪ Foot down to the floor

♪ Seventy miles an hour But no more

♪ Life on the road

♪ Don’t need a heavy load

♪ Foot down to the floor

♪ Seventy miles an hour But no more ♪

(VOCALISING)

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