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Blazing Saddles (1974) | Transcript

In order to ruin a western town, a corrupt politician appoints a black Sheriff, who promptly becomes his most formidable adversary.
Blazing Saddles, 1974

In the American frontier of 1874, the planned construction of a new railroad through Rock Ridge sparks a nefarious plot by territorial attorney general Hedley Lamarr to seize the town by driving out its residents. To accomplish this, Lamarr dispatches a gang to terrorize the townsfolk and then manipulates the appointment of Bart, a black railroad worker, as the new sheriff, anticipating that his race will cause further unrest. However, Bart, with the aid of Jim, the “Waco Kid,” turns the tables by gaining the townspeople’s trust and confronting Lamarr’s various thugs, including the formidable Mongo. As Lamarr escalates his efforts by gathering a diverse army of villains, Bart unites the townspeople with the workers to construct a fake town as a decoy, leading to a climactic battle that humorously breaks through the film’s fourth wall. In the end, after thwarting Lamarr’s final escape attempt, Bart and Jim leave Rock Ridge in search of new adventures, marking a whimsical end to their exploits.

* * *

[MAN YELLING ORDERS]

[CHATTERING]

Come on, boys!

The way you’re Iollygagging around here with them picks and them shovels…

…you’d think it was 120 degrees.

It can’t be more than 114.

[LAUGHING]

Dock that Chink a day’s pay for napping on the job.

MAN: Yes, sir.

LYLE: Now, come on, boys, where’s your spirit?

I don’t hear no singing.

When you were slaves, you sang like birds.

Go on. How about a good old n*gger work song?

ALL: N*gger work song?

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[SINGING COLE PORTER’S “I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU”]

Hold it. What the hell is that shit?

I meant a song.

A real song.

Something like:

[SINGING “SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT”]

“Swing low”?

“Chariot”?

Don’t know that one, huh?

Well, how about “De Camptown Ladies”?

“De Camptown Ladies”?

ALL: “De Camptown Ladies.”

Oh, you know.

[SINGING “DE CAMPTOWN LADIES”]

[CHUCKLING]

[GUNSHOTS]

What in the wide, Wide World of Sports is going on here?

I hired you people to try to get a little track laid…

…not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City fag*ots!

Sorry, Mr. Taggart. I guess we kind of got caught up.

Dummy, the surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead.

Better check it out.

Okay, I’ll send a team of horses to check out the ground.

Horses?!

Why, we can’t afford to lose no horses, you dummy!

Send over a couple of n*ggers.

Okay, Mr. Taggart.

You and you.

Sir?

Sir, he specifically requested two n*ggers.

Well, to tell a family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

Get on that handcar and take it down to the end of that line!

Just trying to help you out.

Get!

I didn’t know your grandma was Dutch!

[LAUGHING]

[SINGING “DE CAMPTOWN LADIES”]

[QUICKSAND BUBBLING]

Bart?

What?

Am I wrong…

…or is the world rising?

I don’t know, but whatever it is, I hate it.

Hey, Charlie.

Mmhm.

BART: Let me ask you something.

Hmm?

BART: What is it that’s not exactly water…

CHARLIE: Mmhm.

…and it ain’t exactly earth?

Quicksand!

Oh, shit! Quicksand!

Hot dang, now we are in trouble!

They in trouble.

Lyle, get your rope there. Get over there quick.

LYLE: Right, Mr. Taggart.

TAGGART: That’s it. It’s coming.

Dang, that was lucky.

Doggone near lost a $400 handcar.

Yeah, we can take it right off to the

Just a little to the left of that hill over yonder.

But we’re gonna die, Bart. They’re gonna leave us here to die.

Take it easy, Charlie.

My foot’s on the rail.

Oh.

Then maybe down that canyon, I think it’s pretty level there.

We can’t swing back to the right because of that hill there.

That looks like the way we’ll have to go from here.

Yeah, we’ll put her right down through over that ridge.

Come on!

TAGGART: Well, boys, the break’s over.

Don’t just lay there getting a suntan.

Ain’t gonna do you no good nohow!

Here. Take that shovel and put her to some good use.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, now.

CHARLIE: Bart?

What?

Don’t do that, now.

Uhuh, baby.

Come on, don’t do that.

I have to.

Send a wire to the main office…

…and tell them I said Ow!

Send wire, main office…

…tell them I said, “Ow.” Got you.

And right here, Mr. Lamarr, is where we run into quicksand.

Quicksand. Quicksand. Splendid.

And so the railroad has gotta go through Rock Ridge.

Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. Splendid.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.

Be still, Taggart. Be still.

Yes, sir.

My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought…

…careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

Ditto!

“Ditto”?

“Ditto,” you provincial putz!

l’m sorry, sir.

A plan. A plan. We need a plan.

[LOUD CLATTERING]

What in the hell was that?

BORIS: Next!

Boris, we can’t hear ourselves think!

Oh. Oh, sorry, Your Worship, but I’ve got two men at home, sick with the flu…

…and it’s utter chaos down here.

I’ll try to keep it as quiet as possible.

But as you can see…

…this one is a doozy.

Yes, the Dr. Gillespie killings. Well, do your best.

Now, let’s see. Where were we?

Rock Ridge.

Rock Ridge.

Yes, when that railroad goes through Rock Ridge…

…that land will be worth millions, and I want it.

I want that land so badly…

…I can taste it.

[STATUE RATTLING AND HEDLEY PANTING]

There must be a way.

Clumsy fool.

I’m sorry.

Wait a minute.

There might be a legal precedent.

Of course! Land snatching.

Let’s see. “Land:

See snatch.” Snatch.

Ah. “Haley v. United States. Haley, 7. United States, nothing.”

You see, it can be done. It can be done.

Unfortunately, there is one thing that stands between me and that property.

The rightful owners.

There must be some way of soaring them off, driving them out.

Getting rid of every human being alive in

Uh, uh

Oh, it’s down the hall and to the left.

No, sir. Sir?

What?

I’ve got it.

You do? What? What? What?

I know how we can run everybody out of Rock Ridge.

How?

We’II kill the firstborn male child…

…in every household.

Too Jewish.

Let’s see.

I got it! I got it!

You do?

What?

We’ll work up a number six on them!

Number six. I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that one.

That’s where we go riding into town…

…a’whopping and a’whumping every living thing…

…that moves within an inch of its life! Except the womenfolks, of course.

You spare the women?

No, we rape the shit out of them at the numbersix dance later on!

That’s marvelous. That’s so creative, Taggart

Ow!

Why, Taggart, you’ve been hurt.

Oh, that uppity n*gger went and hit me on the head with a shovel.

I’d sure appreciate it, sir, if you could find it in your heart…

…to hang him up by his neck until he was dead.

Got him locked up downstairs.

Consider it done, stout fellow.

Boris.

Oh. Mmm. Mmm.

I’ve got a special. When can you work him in?

I couldn’t possibly sneak him in until Monday, sir. I’m booked solid.

Monday. Splendid.

Tada!

Oh, thank you, sir. And don’t you worry.

Why, we’ll make Rock Ridge think it’s a chicken…

…that got caught in a tractor’s nuts.

[LAUGHING]

Splendid.

[LOUD THUD]

That’s all right. Shh. It’s all right, Taggart.

Just a man and a horse being hung out there.

Shh.

[HUMMING]

CHORUS [SINGING]: There was a peaceful town

Called Rock Ridge

Where people lived in harmony

They never had no kind of trouble

There was no hint of misery

[cows MOOING]

The town saloon was always lively

But never nasty or obscene

Behind the bar stood anal Johnson

He always kept things nice and clean

[BURPS]

And all at once the trouble started

A pack of murderers and thieves

[GUNSHOT]

Like swarms of locusts They descended

Their aim To make the townsfolk flee

[GUNSHOTS]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[TAGGART LAUGHING]

MAN: Oh, shit.

[GUNSHOT]

Whoa! Whoa!

[GUNSHOTS]

Well, that’s the end of this suit.

[GROANING]

Have you ever seen such cruelty?

[MOANING IN PAIN]

CONGREGATION [SINGING]: Now is a time of great decision

Are we to stay or up and quit?

There’s no avoiding this conclusion

Our town is turning into shit

REVEREND: Be seated.

Now, I don’t have to tell you good folks…

…what has been happening here in our beloved little town.

Sheriff murdered…

…crops burned…

…stores looted…

…people stampeded…

…and cattle raped.

[CHATTERING]

Now, the time has come to act.

And act fast!

I’m leaving.

You get back here, you pious, candyass Sidewinder!

There ain’t no way that nobody is gonna leave this town!

Hell, I was born here and I was raised here…

…and dadgum it, I’m gonna die here!

And no sidewinding, bushwhacking, hornswoggling…

…cracker croaker is gonna ruin my biscuit cutter!

Now, who can argue with that?

[CHATTERING]

I think we’re all indebted to Gabby Johnson…

…for clearly stating what needed to be said.

I’m particularly glad these lovely children were here today to hear that speech.

Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish…

…it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.

[CHATTERING]

What are we made of?

Our fathers came across the prairie…

…fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix!

Remember when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this town?

We didn’t give up then…

…and by gum, we’re not gonna give up now!

[CHEERING]

[GABBY BABBLES]

[IMITATES GABBY]

Olson Johnson is right!

What kind of people are we anyhow? I say we stay and fight it out.

[GABBY BABBLES]

Dr. Samuel Johnson’s right about Olson Johnson’s being right.

And I’m not giving up my icecream parlor…

…that I built with these two hands for nothing or nobody!

Howard Johnson is right!

Thank you, Van.

[BABBLES]

Well, if we’re gonna stay…

…I think it’s a big mistake.

We’re gonna need us a new sheriff.

Now, who’s it gonna be?

Why don’t we wire the governor to send us a sheriff.

Why should we get our own men killed?

Howard Johnson is right. We’ll wire the governor.

[ALL BABBLING]

Then let us pray for the deliverance of our new sheriff.

Will the congregation please rise?

I shall now read from the books…

…of Matthew, Mark, Luke…

[GLASS SHATTERS]

…and duck.

[MEN CHATTERING]

MAN: We’ve got to do something.

HEDLEY: Governor, governor.

May I disturb you for a moment, sir?

Yes, what is it?

If you will just sign this, governor. Right here.

Yes, yes. What the hell is it?

Under the provisions of this bill…

…we would snatch 200,000 acres of Indian territory…

…which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time.

They’re such children.

Two hundred thousand acres?

Two hundred thousand acres?

What will it cost, man? What will it cost?

Aha.

A box of these.

Are you crazy? They’ll never go for it. Then again, they might.

Little red devils love toys. May I try one?

Please do, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

These things are defective.

Right as usual, sir.

Showoff!

Sir, just sign this, sir. Right here.

Okay, give us a hand here.

All right, sir.

Work, work, work. Work, work, work, work, work.

Hello, boys, have a good night’s rest? I missed you.

Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.

What the hell is this?

This bill converts the state hospital for the insane…

…into the William Le Petomane Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.

Gentlemen, this bill will be a giant step forward…

…in the treatment of the insane gambler.

Yes, bravo. Beautiful.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you. Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.

It’s not Hedy. It’s Hedley. Hedley Lamarr.

What the hell are you worried about?

This is 1874. You’ll be able to sue her.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Mmm.

Mmm.

Just sign here, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

That’s it.

All right, help me in with this.

Just think of your secretary.

That was a very good suggestion.

All right, sir.

Thank you.

All right.

Okay, is that it? Anything else?

Just this urgent telegram from Rock Ridge that arrived last Friday.

Last Friday. Read it! Read it, you wild bitch.

“Sheriff murdered. Church meeting bombed. Reign of terror must cease.

Send new sheriff immediately.”

Holy underwear!

Sheriff murdered? Innocent women and children blown to bits?!

We’ve got to protect our phonybaloney jobs.

We must do something about this immediately! Immediately!

ALL: Harrumph, harrumph, harrumph.

I didn’t get a harrumph out of him.

Give the governor a harrumph.

Harrumph.

You watch your ass.

Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.

Well put.

Thank you very much, sir.

As attorney general, I can assure you…

…a suitable sheriff will be found to restore the peace in Rock Ridge.

Meeting is adjourned.

I am sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.

What?

Meeting is adjourned.

It is?

No. You say that, governor.

What?

Meeting is adjourned.

It is?

Play around with this for a while.

Thank you, Hedy.

No, it’s Hedley!

It is?

Give these out to some of the boys in lieu of pay.

Here you go. Frankie, Johnny, Patsy, Kelly.

And one for Miss Stein, my beloved secretary.

Play with these, boys, in lieu of the other things.

This frigging thing is warped.

Why do I always get a warped one?

A sheriff!

But law and order is the last thing I want.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I can turn this thing into my advantage.

If I could find a sheriff…

…who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge…

…that his very appearance would drive them out of town.

But where would I find such a man?

Why am I asking you?

[CHATTERING OUTSIDE]

Oh, welcome to Hanging House.

Not to worry.

Everyone is equal in my eye.

[CHUCKLING]

[CHOKING AND COUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[MISS STEIN GIGGLING]

LE PETOMANE: Not my ear. Not in my ear.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Not in the ear. Not in the ear.

Sir?

Governor?

Yes?

Official business, sir.

ls it important?

It’s very crucial.

[SIGHS]

Be with you in a minute.

Throw something on and stay in that position.

Oh, sorry, gentlemen.

[ZIPPER ZIPS]

Forgive me, I was just walking the parapet, taking a look around.

What can I do for you?

Governor, as per your instructions…

…I’d like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.

I’d be delight Wow!

[WHISTLES]

I’ve got to talk to you. Come here.

Have you gone berserk? Can’t you see that that man is a ni?

[LAUGHS]

Wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended.

Have you gone berserk? Can’t you see that man is a ni?

Don’t worry, sir.

I’ve always trusted your judgment…

…but haven’t you taken a giant leap from your good senses?

Please don’t fly off the handle, sir.

I am about to make you an historic figure.

Maybe even get you a cabinet post.

A cabinet post!

Yes.

Did you say that?

I said that.

Wonderful.

Yes, the first man ever to appoint a black sheriff.

Just think, sir. Washington, Jefferson

Lincoln.

Le Petomane!

Oh!

Sir, you have the seeds of greatness in you.

Nurse them, caress them, pour water on them.

Don’t shortchange yourself, sir.

It’ll never work. They’ll kill him dead in one day.

One day is all we’ll need to secure your name in the annals of Western history.

And to get, for you, a nomination for Dare I say?

Dare. Dare.

The presidency!

Wow! Oh!

Hail to the chief!

Hail to the chief!

[HUMMING “HAIL TO THE CHIEF”]

Fourscore and seven years ago…

…our forefathers brought forth on this

Bill, are you coming back?

In a moment, dear.

Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent…

…over the affairs of state. HEDLEY: Yes, of course, sir. We understand.

Will you make the arrangements?

I will make all the arrangements.

LE PETOMANE: Especially the funeral.

[LAUGHING]

Good luck, boys. Wonderful working with you.

Good luck!

[WHISTLING “HAIL TO THE CHIEF”]

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Hurry up, get those flags up. He’ll be here soon.

Hey! I just got a telegram from the governor’s office.

The sheriff will be here at noon!

Noon? I’d better rehearse my speech.

“As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee…

…it is my privilege to extend to you…

…a Laurel and Hardy handshake.”

Wonderful!

Lovely.

Excellent.

Gabby, can you see him yet?

The sheriff’s coming.

Ring out the church bells.

Strike up the band.

[BELLS TOLLING]

[BAND PLAYING]

Hey! The sheriff is a ni

[BELL TOLLS]

What did he say?

The sheriff is near.

No!

[BABBLING]

The sheriff is a ni

[BELL TOLLS]

ALL: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

“As chairman of the welcoming committee…

…it is my privilege to extend a Laurel…

…and Hardy handshake to our new”

N*gger.

Excuse me while I whip this out.

[WOMEN SCREAM]

[SIGHING]

“By the power vested in me…

…by the Honorable William J. Le Petomane…

[GUNS COCKING]

…I hereby assume the duties of the office of sheriff…

…in and for the township of Rock Ridge.”

REVEREND: Gentlemen, let us not allow anger to rule the day.

As your spiritual leader, I implore you…

…to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say.

[GUNSHOT]

Son…

…you’re on your own.

[IN DEEP VOICE] Hold it!

The next man makes a move, the n*gger gets it.

Hold it, men. He’s not bluffing.

Listen to him, men. He’s just crazy enough to do it.

Drop it, or I swear I’ll blow this n*gger’s head all over this town!

[IN HIGHPITCHED VOICE] Lordy, Lord, he’s desperate. Do what he say.

Do what he say!

Isn’t anybody gonna help that poor man?

Hush, Harriett. That’s a sure way to get him killed.

Help me! Help me! Help me!

Somebody help me! Help me! Help me!

Help me!

[IN DEEP VOICE] Shut up!

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, baby, you are so talented.

And they are so dumb.

[CHATTERING AND SHOUTING]

Order.

Order.

Goddamn it! I said, order!

You know, Nietzsche says:

“Out of chaos comes order.”

Blow it out your ass, Howard.

Oh.

Now, everyone be quiet…

…whilst we listen to Harriett Van Johnson…

…our esteemed school marm, as she reads a telegram…

…that she herself has composed to the governor…

…expressing our feelings…

…about the new sheriff.

[CHEERING]

“To the Honorable William J. Le Petomane, governor.”

[ALL SHOUTING]

MAN: We can’t hear you!

Forgive me.

I’m not used to public speaking.

[YELLING] “We, the white, Godfearing citizens of Rock Ridge…

…wish to express our extreme displeasure…

…with your choice of sheriff.

Please remove him immediately.

[CHATTERING]

The fact that you have sent him here…

…just goes to prove…

…that you are the leading asshole in the state.”

[CHEERING]

[COWS MOOING]

[SINGING “DE CAMPTOWN LADIES”]

[CLATTERING]

[GROANING]

BART: The drunk in number two must be awake.

[walks over to the cell]

BART: Are we awake?

JIM: We’re not sure. Are we… black?

BART: Yes, we are.

JIM: Then we’re awake… but we’re very puzzled.

I think I’d better straighten myself out.

[GRUNTING]

BART: Need any help?

Oh.

All I can get.

Thanks.

That’s okay. Sit down over here.

Hey, maybe you should eat something first.

No, thanks. Food makes me sick.

A man drink like that and he don’t eat, he is going to die.

When?

What’s your name?

Well, my name is Jim.

But most people call me…

…Jim.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host…

…what are your pleasures? What do you like to do?

Oh, I don’t know.

Play chess.

Screw.

Well, let’s play chess.

Checkmate.

What?

Checkmate.

Why, you devious son of a bitch.

Happy days.

Man, why you do that to yourself?

[CHUCKLES]

You don’t really wanna know that.

I do, I do.

Well, if you must pry….

I must, I must.

I don’t know if you ever heard of me before…

…but I used to be called…

…the Waco Kid.

The Waco Kid. He had the fastest hands in the West.

In the world.

Well, if you’re the Kid, then show me something.

Oh.

Maybe a couple of years ago I could have shown you something…

…but today….

Look at that.

Steady as a rock.

Yeah, but I shoot with this hand.

See, I knew you wasn’t no Waco Kid.

You was just pulling my Iariat.

Oh, dearie, dear.

[SIGHS]

Well….

Okay.

See that king?

Yeah.

Put your hands on both sides of it.

Now, when I say “go”…

…you try to grab it first.

Man, that’s no contest. You a mile away.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, when you hear the word “go”…

…you just try to grab it.

Ready?

Ready.

Go!

Hey.

You looking for this?

Well, raise my rent.

You are the Kid.

Was.

Yeah, I was the Kid.

[COUGHS]

Well, what happened?

Oh, well, it got so that every prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun…

…would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid.

I must have killed more men than Cecil B. De Mille.

It got pretty gritty.

I started to hear the word “draw” in my sleep.

Then one day…

…l was just walking down the street…

…and I heard a voice behind me say:

“Reach for it, mister.”

I spun around.

And there I was face to face…

…with a 6yearold kid.

Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away.

The little bastard shot me in the ass.

So I limped to the nearest saloon…

…crawled inside a whiskey bottle…

…and I’ve been there ever since.

Have a drink.

Thanks.

Anyway, that’s all ancient history.

Now, you tell me your story. What’s a dazzling urbanite like you…

…doing in a rustic setting like this?

If you really must pry….

Oh, I must, I must.

Well, back in ’56…

…my folks and I were part of this long wagon train…

…moving West.

Well, not exactly part of it.

You might say we was bringing up the rear…

…when suddenly, from out of the west…

…Came the entire Sioux nation.

And let me tell you, baby, they was open for business.

[YELLING]

[GUNSHOTS]

BART: Naturally, the white folks didn’t let us travel in their circle…

…so we made our own.

[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH]

Cop a walk. It’s all right.

Thank you.

MAN: Thank you.

Thank you.

[SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]

Take off.

[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH]

They darker than us! Woof!

And the rest is history.

Impressed?

[SNORES]

Always like to keep my audience riveted.

[BURPS]

[FARTS]

[ALL BURPING AND FARTING]

Goddamn!

How about more beans, Mr. Taggart?

I’d say you’ve had enough.

I understand there’s a new sheriff in town.

Who wants to kill him? ALL: I do! I do! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me!

Mr. Taggart? Mr. Taggart, sir?

Why don’t we give him to Mongo.

[ALL CHEERING]

TAGGART: Mongo?! Holy shit, that’s too cruel.

I’ll be danged. That is a unique idea.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]

[GRUNTING]

Down, boy. Down.

Down, Mongo. Down, boy.

Here, it’s me, Taggart, your old boss. Here, smell. Smell.

Smell, boy. Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good Mongo.

That’s a good Mongo. Yeah.

Hey, how about it? How would you like to mutilate that new sheriff?

All right! Here, have a cigar.

[MONGO CHUCKLING]

[SNIFFING]

Oh, by the way, I got a note this morning.

BART: From who?

Well, I’m not sure.

It was addressed to the “deputy spade.”

Well, once I establish myself in this here town…

…deputy spade might turn out to be a groovy position.

Here.

[EXHALING]

[IN HIGHPITCHED VOICE] Listen, Bart…

…I want you to do me a favor.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don’t want you going out there this morning.

You can’t win these people over, no matter what.

They’re just not gonna accept you.

[CHUCKLING]

I’m glad those fingers ain’t loaded.

Woo.

Just like old times.

Like I told you, once you establish yourself…

…they’ve got to accept you.

Catch you later.

[IN HIGHPITCHED VOICE] Good luck.

Well, good morning, ma’am.

And isn’t it a lovely morning?

Up yours, n*gger!

JIM: What did you expect? “Welcome, sonny”? “Make yourself at home”? “Marry my daughter”? You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

[LAUGHING]

[RUMBLING]

What the hell is that?

Mongo!

Santa Maria!

SALESMAN: I believe in it. Any one of you friends and neighbors gather around

Holy shit!

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

And they say that now, in Paris, France…

…even as we speak…

…Louis Pasteur has devised a new vaccine…

…that will obliterate anthrax once and for all.

Hey, you can’t park that animal over there.

It’s illegal.

Think of it, gentlemen, hoofandmouth disease…

…a thing of the past.

Never mind that shit.

Here comes Mongo!

[ALL GASPING]

I don’t know what it is.

Sheriff, Mongo’s back! He’s

Sheriff, Mongo’s back. He’s breaking up the whole town.

You’ve got to help us, please!

Did you hear that? Now, it’s “please.”

This morning, I couldn’t get the time of day.

Who is this Mongo anyway?

Well, Mongo ain’t exactly a who, he’s more of a what.

What he said.

Well, now, I don’t know

Oh, thank you, sheriff. Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

The fool’s going to

I mean, the sheriff’s going to do it.

No, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that.

If you shoot him, you’ll just make him mad.

[ALL GROANING]

Candygram for Mongo.

Candygram for Mongo.

Candygram for Mongo.

Candygram for Mongo.

Me Mongo.

Sign, please.

Thank you.

Mongo like candy.

A little further down, to the right.

You know…

…I thought sure that Mongo would just mash him up…

…into little sheriff meatballs. I just don’t understand it.

Be still, Taggart.

Yes, sir.

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought…

…cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

Goldarn it, Mr. Lamarr…

…you use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore.

Shitkicker.

Wait a minute. That’s it!

Of course. And it will work!

You bet it will. What will work?

Elementary, cactushead. The beast has failed.

And when the beast fails, it’s time to call in beauty.

Beauty?

Yes, of course.

She’s never failed me before. She’ll turn him into jelly.

She’ll bring him to his knees.

Where’s my froggy? Where’s my froggy?!

I didn’t see it when I come in.

Look, damn your eyes, look for it!

Taggart.

Sorry, sir.

Hurry, get it. Will you look around?

There it is.

Give it to me. Hurry!

Quick, Taggart! Quick!

That was a close one.

Daddy loves froggy. Froggy love Daddy?

[SQUEAKING]

Ribbit.

Ribbit.

[MONGO SNORING]

JIM: I don’t know how you did it.

Oh, he was nothing.

The bitch was inventing the candygram.

And they probably won’t give me credit for it.

[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]

Good evening, sheriff. Sorry about the “up yours, n*gger.”

I hope this apple pie will, in some small way, say thank you…

…for your ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo.

Well, thank you. Much obliged. Good night.

[KNOCKING]

Of course, you’ll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.

Of course.

Thank you.

Good night.

Huh, I’m rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.

See, in another 25 years you’ll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

Well, I ain’t gonna hold my breath for it.

Come on, I don’t wanna be late.

That Lili Von Shtupp is opening tonight.

LiIi Von who?

Shtupp.

[SINGING]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Welcome. Come on in.

Lili.

Hedy.

It’s Hedley. For you, my dear.

Oh.

How ordinary.

Oh, LiIi. LiIi, Lili, Lili, legs.

Lili, Lili.

I cannot find the words to truly express my joy…

…at the rekindling of our association.

Bullshit. What’s the job?

I love it when you talk dirty.

[CHATTERING]

Come on, Lamarr, let’s get down to brass tacks.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to seduce and abandon the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

You think you can do it?

[LAUGHS]

Is Bismarck a herring?

Oh, LiIi, you’re magnificent.

Kiss me.

[GROANING]

[CHEERING]

And now, folks…

…that gal y’all have been waiting for…

…the Bavarian bombshell herself.

Let’s hear it for Lili Von Shtupp!

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING] Here I stand, the goddess of desire

Set men on fire

I have this power

Morning, noon and night It’s drink and dancing

Some quick romancing

And then a shower

Stagedoor Johnnies Constantly surround me

They always hound me With one request

Who can satisfy their lustful habit?

I’m not a rabbit

I need some rest

I’m tired

Sick and tired of love

I’ve had my fill of love

From below and above

Tired

Tired of being admired

Tired of love uninspired

Let’s face it I’m tired

[MEN SHOUTING]

I’ve been with thousands of men

Again and again

They promise the moon

They’re always coming and going

And going and coming

And always too soon

Right, girls?

[SINGING] I’m tired

Tired of playing the game

Ain’t it a crying shame?

I’m so tired

Goddamn it, I’m exhausted.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Hello, cowboy. What’s your name?

Tex, ma’am.

Tex Ma’am? Tell me, Tex Ma’am…

…are you in show business?

Nope.

Well, then why don’t you get your frigging feet off the stage!

[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

[SINGING]

Hello, handsome. Is that a 10gallon hat…

…or are you just enjoying the Show?

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SINGING]

Oh, Miss Lili. Oh, my lovely baby.

My God.

Oh, my pussycat.

[LAUGHING]

Wanna dance, baby? Oh!

[SINGING] Tired

Tired of playing the game

Ain’t it a crying shame?

I’m so tired

[CROWD WHISTLING AND CHEERING]

GUARDS [SINGING]: She’s tired

She’s tired

Sick and tired of love

Give her a break

She’s had her fill of love

She’s not a snake

From below and above

Can’t you see she’s sick?

Tired

She’s bushed

Tired of being admired

Let her alone

Tired of love uninspired

Don’t you know? GUARDS: She’s tired

Don’t you know she’s pooped?

I’ve been with thousands of men

Again and again

They sing the same tune

They start with Byron and Shelley

Then jump on your belly And bust your balloon

Tired

[GUNSHOTS]

Tired

Tired of playing the game

Ain’t it a frigging shame?

I’m so

Let’s face it…

…everything below the waist is kaput!

GUARDS: Tired

[CHEERING]

What’s it say?

“I must see you alone in my dressing room…

…right after the show.”

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Welcome. Come on in.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Far out.

For you.

Ooh.

A red rose.

How romantic.

Have a seat, sheriff.

Won’t you excuse me for a moment…

…while I slip into something a little bit more comfortable?

Bitte, baby.

Oh.

Why don’t you…

…loosen your bullets.

Ah. I feel refreshed.

Isn’t it bright in here?

LILI: There. Isn’t that better?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Pardon me, I’ll be back in a moment.

[CLATTERING]

Goddamn it.

How’s it going?

He’s like wet sauerkraut in my hands.

By morning, he will be my slave.

Splendid.

Just let me have a little feel.

Out of here!

Where were we? Where are you?

Ah. Oh, yes. Let me sit down next to you.

Uh….

Tell me, schwarzie…

…is it true what they say about the way you people are gifted?

[ZIPPER UNZIPS]

Oh, it’s true.

It’s true.

It’s true, it’s true.

Would you care for another schnitzengruben?

No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.

Well, then, how about a little…?

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Baby, please, I am not from Havana.

Excuse me, honey.

Besides, I’m late for work. I got some heavy chores to do.

Will I…? Will I see you later?

That all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

No, no, you mustn’t go. I need you. I never met nobody like you.

I can’t live without you.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Please, you’re making a German spectacle of yourself.

Auf Wiedersehen, baby.

[SOBBING]

Oh, what a nice guy.

[JIM CHUCKLES]

Oh, dearie dear. Look what the cat dragged in.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

What’s happening in the clean world?

Oh, bad news.

I got a writ here for Mongo’s release signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.

Hedley Lamarr?

Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr care about Mongo?

You got me.

It’s legal.

Oh, them schnitzengrubens can wipe you out.

Wakeup time!

[YAWNS]

Okay, Mongo, you’re free to go.

Mongo no go.

Oh, come on, Mongo. You a free man.

Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart.

Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.

Mongo impressed. Have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.

[JIM CHUCKLES]

Oh, you better watch out, big fella.

I think Mongo’s taken a little fancy to you.

Oh….

Mongo straight.

Listen, Mongo. Maybe you know.

Why is a high roller like Hedley Lamarr interested in Rock Ridge?

Don’t know.

Got to do with where choochoo go.

Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choochoo go?

Don’t know.

Mongo only pawn in game of life.

Choochoo. I think this might be a good time to mosey out…

…where they’re building on the railroad and maybe do a little snooping.

[CHATTERING]

Damn. Damn.

Damn!

How you doing? Hey, how you doing, Bart?

Hey, Bart! Hey!

Hey, how you doing, Bart? Woo! Get down off that horse.

What’s happening?

Yeah, man.

Yeah! What’s going on, big dude?

You shifty n*gga!

CHARLIE: They said you was hung!

BART: And they was right.

Ooh, look at that star. Hooee! Civil Service.

Give me some more of that.

All right, yeah.

Wait, wait. Back off, scamp.

You are addressing the dulyappointed sheriff of Rock Ridge.

Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad’s going through there.

[CHEERING]

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Back up off him, brother! Don’t you rush him, brother…

…and mess up the brother’s fines.

[HORSES APPROACHING]

Well, holy mother of pearl.

It’s that n*gger that went and hit me on the head with a shovel.

Now, what the hell do you think you’re doing with that tin star, boy?

Watch that “boy” shit, redneck. You talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

Well, now, if that don’t beat all.

Here we take the good time and trouble…

…to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what?

So they can appoint a sheriff that’s blacker than any Indian.

I am depressed.

Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this.

What if me and the boys was to shoot that n*gger dead?

Would that pep you up some?

That might help.

All right, boys. On the count of three.

I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Don’t pay no attention to that alky. He can’t hold a gun, much less shoot it.

Like I said, on the count of three.

One.

[GUNS COCKING]

Two.

Three.

[GUNSHOTS]

[CHEERING]

Well, don’t just sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain.

How about a little applause for the Waco Kid?

[WORKERS LAUGHING]

All right, I’m through being Mr. Goodbar.

The time has come to act, and act quickly. All of my plans have backfired.

Instead of leaving, folks are staying in droves.

Why don’t you admit it. He’s too much of a man for you. I know.

You gonna need an army to beat him. You’re finished.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[SINGING IN GERMAN]

Shut up! You Teutonic twat.

I must think.

Wait a minute. She said “army.”

Of course.

An army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the West.

Taggart!

Yes, sir?

I’ve decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes.

What do you want me to do?

Round up…

…every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. Take this down.

I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters…

…desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits…

…vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits…

…muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers…

…horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, asskickers…

…shitkickers and Methodists!

[CHUCKLING]

Could you repeat that, sir?

Where’s everybody going?

Read this.

Well, can’t you see that’s the last act of a desperate man?

We don’t care if it’s the first act of Henry V. We’re leaving.

Now, wait a minute. Wait just one doggone minute here.

Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town.

Just 24 hours, that’s all I ask. ALL: No!

You’d do it for Randolph Scott. ALL: Randolph Scott.

All right, sheriff, 24 hours.

[CHATTERING]

[CHATTERING IN GERMAN]

[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]

[CHATTERING IN ARABIC]

KLAN MEMBER: Black son of a bitch! I ought to

Next!

Qualifications?

Rape, murder, arson and rape.

You said “rape” twice.

I like rape.

He’ll do.

Charming. Sign right here.

Take that badge.

Next!

Qualifications?

Arson, armed robbery, mayhem

Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?

Nothing.

Nothing, eh? Lyle.

Gum.

Chewing gum on line, eh?

I hope you brought enough for everybody.

I didn’t know there was gonna be so many.

Boy, is he strict.

We gotta get in there close and find out what’s happening.

There’s our ticket.

JIM: Hey, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.

BART: Hey, where the white women at?

[CLATTERING AND GRUNTING]

BART: Man, that was pretty. I liked that.

Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at noon tomorrow. Here’s your badge.

Badges?

We don’t need no stinking badges!

TAGGART: Next!

Qualifications?

BART: Stampeding cattle.

That’s not much of a crime.

BART: Through the Vatican?

Kinky. Sign here.

JIM: Why, Rhett, how many times have I told you…

…to wash up after weekly crossburning?

See? It’s coming off.

[GASPING]

And now, for my next impression, Jesse Owens.

Seize them! Catch them! Get them!

Mount up, men! We’ll head them off at the pass!

“Head them off at the pass”? I hate that cliché.

[GUNSHOT AND TAGGART SCREAMS]

[CHARLIE SNORING]

What you?

Say hello.

Hello.

Listen to me, and listen to me good.

Get all the brothers together.

Round up all the lumber, canvas, paint and nails you can lay your hands on…

…and meet me tonight, three miles due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.

You understand? Say goodbye.

Goodbye.

Thanks a lot, brother.

CHARLIE: Get up.

What’s happening?

CHARLIE: Get up, man. Listen, we gotta get some nails, canvas and a wagon.

[CHATTERING]

Folks, I know you’re confused, wondering what you’re doing…

…in the prairie in the middle of the night. ALL: You bet your ass!

I’m hip.

Now, before the sun comes up, we’re gonna build on this site…

…an exact replica of the town of Rock Ridge.

[CHATTERING]

Every building, every storefront, every rock and every tree…

…right down to the orange roof on Howard Johnson’s outhouse.

Ah!

I get it! Tomorrow, when Hedley Lamarr and his men come riding in…

…to destroy the real Rock Ridge, they’ll destroy the fake Rock Ridge.

They’ll think it’s the real Rock Ridge, but we’ll know it’s the fake Rock Ridge.

How are we gonna do it? We ain’t got the time or the people.

Wrong! There’s why.

HOWARD: Who the hell are they?

[CHATTERING]

BART: Railroad workers.

They’ve agreed to help us make our dream come true.

All they ask in return is a little plot of land they can call their own to homestead.

Now, what do you say?

Um….

[CHATTERING]

All right. We’ll give some land to the n*ggers and the Chinks…

…but we don’t want the Irish.

[CHATTERING]

CHARLIE: Everybody. Come on.

No deal.

Ah, prairie shit.

Everybody.

[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]

REVEREND: Oh, Lord!

Do we have the strength…

…to carry on this mighty task in one night?

Or are we just jerking off? ALL: Amen.

[HAMMERING]

BART: Okay, okay. We have done it.

Now let’s see what we have done.

[CHATTERING]

[CHEERING]

HEDLEY: Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade…

…to stamp out runaway decency in the West.

Now, you will only be risking your lives…

…whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination…

…for Best Supporting Actor.

Now raise your right hand for the pledge.

Right!

Now repeat after me. I…

ALL: I…

…your name….

ALL: …your name….

Schmucks.

Pledge allegiance…

ALL: Pledge allegiance…

…to Hedley Lamarr….

ALL: …to Hedy Lamarr….

That’s “Hedley”!

ALL: That’s Hedley!

And to the evil…

ALL: And to the evil…

…for which he stands.

ALL: …for which he stands.

Now go do that voodoo…

…that you do so well!

[CHEERING AND GUNSHOTS]

BART: Hold it! Hold it!

Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.

Yep, we forgot one little detail.

Nothing’s missing. Everything’s here, down to the last hitching post.

People. There’s no people.

Hey, now, don’t panic. Don’t panic.

We just made a perfect copy of Rock Ridge.

Now all we’ve got to do is make perfect copies of ourselves.

But they’ll be here in half an hour.

Right, so we’ve got to start working fast.

You men start working on the dummies. Jim and Mongo, come with me.

I got an idea that’ll slow them down to a crawl.

MAN 1: All right, let’s go.

MAN 2: You guys go over there.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Yeah, that’s nice. That’s nice.

[CHUCKLING]

TAGGART: Whoa!

Le Petomane Thruway?!

Now, what will that asshole think of next?

Has anybody got a dime? MAN: I don’t have any change.

Somebody’s gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes.

[ALL CLAMORING]

Hurry up. Speed it up. Hell, we ain’t ever gonna get to Rock Ridge.

Come on, move them through. Move them through.

JIM: Well, they’re through the tollbooth.

[BART CHUCKLES]

BART: Look at this, they’re buying it.

[MEN SHOUTING]

[GUNSHOTS]

All right, here we go. Hold your ears, folks.

It’s showtime.

OLSON: Nothing.

What are we gonna do?

Any minute now they’re gonna discover that the town is fake and pull out.

Jim, baby. You think you could squeeze off a little shot from here…

…and set off the dynamite down there?

I’ll give it a try.

REVEREND: Oh, Lord! Keep this man’s eye keen.

And may God grant

[GUNSHOTS]

TAGGART: It’s a fake!

We’ve been suckered in!

[CHEERING]

Okay, folks, let’s wipe them out!

[TOWNSPEOPLE YELLING]

Forgive me, Lord!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

WOMAN: You son of a bitch!

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

[SINGING]

[SINGING “THE FRENCH MISTAKE”]

BUDDY: All right, cut!

Wrong!

Okay. Just watch me. It’s so simple.

You sissy Marys.

Give me the playback! And watch me, fag*ots.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LlPSYNCHING “THE FRENCH MISTAKE”]

[WATER SPLASHES]

[MEN GASPING]

Shit.

Have you got it? ALL: Yesssss.

Sounds like steam escaping.

Action! Okay, wait till I get out. Wait till I get out.

Okay. Playback!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL SINGING “THE FRENCH MISTAKE”]

[MUSIC AND SINGING STOP]

[SHOUTING, GRUNTING AND GUNSHOTS]

Cut!

What in the hell do you think you’re doing here? This is a closed set!

Piss on you. I’m working for Mel Brooks.

Not in the face!

[PERFORMERS GASPING]

Thank you.

They’ve hit Buddy! Come on, girls!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[MAN SCREAMS AND TAGGART LAUGHS]

You vulgar shit!

Why, you miserable pansy.

I’m parked over by the commissary.

You brute, you brute, you brute. You vicious brute!

[SOBBING]

All right. All right.

How many days do you have left, Joey?

They lose me right after the bunker scene.

[CLATTERING]

What the hell is that?

[SHOUTING]

Get your pies for the great pie fight!

This is our studio commissary, where some Hollywood stars eat.

Keep in line.

And now we’ll go to the special-effects department.

CASHIER: Yankee bean soup, coleslaw and tuna surprise.

[MOUTHING] What the fuck’s all?

[SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

Taxi!

Drive me off this picture.

You dropped your beads. One, please.

Uh….

Student?

CASHIER: Are you kidding?

Pain in the ass.

Look, Herman, I’m in Hedy Lamarr’s shoes!

Hedley.

[cows MOOING]

Raisinets.

MAN: Hey, watch out. Hey, you.

Sorry.

Shit.

BART: Freeze it.

Oh!

Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.

Wait, wait, wait.

I’m unarmed.

All right, we’ll settle it like men.

With our fists.

Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed.

[GRUNTING]

HEDLEY: How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?

Wow. You shot the bad guy.

JIM: What do you wanna do now?

Let’s check out the end of the flick.

Yeah. Gee, I sure hope there’s a happy ending. I love a happy ending.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

Sheriff, you can’t go now. We need you.

My work here is done. I’m needed elsewhere now.

I’m needed wherever outlaws rule the West.

Wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets.

Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity.

And wherever a people cry out for justice.

ALL: Bullshit.

All right, you caught me.

Speak the plain truth, it’s getting pretty damn dull around here.

Good luck, Bart. And God bless you.

Oh.

Oh, Bart!

Bye, baby bro.

Keep the faith, brothers! ALL: Bye!

Where you headed, cowboy?

Nowhere special.

Nowhere special.

I always wanted to go there.

Come on.

[English

US

SDH]

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