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Anyone But You (2023) | Transcript

Fake romance at destination wedding sparks real love for jaded lawyer & charming playboy. Can they overcome exes & family drama?
Sydney Sweeney in ANYONE BUT YOU (2023)

Bea, a law student with doubts about her path, connects instantly with the charming, yet arrogant, Ben on a whirlwind first date. Their passion cools overnight, however, leaving Bea heartbroken and fuming after overhearing Ben’s dismissive remarks to a friend. Years later, fate throws them together at a luxurious Australian wedding, forcing them to share space and endure awkward family gatherings – not helped by the presence of Bea’s persistent ex-fiancé and Ben’s jealous ex-girlfriend.

In an attempt to ease the tension and ensure a smooth celebration, the wedding party hatches a mischievous plan: convince everyone Bea and Ben are a happy couple. Despite initial resistance, fuelled by personal motives, both agree to the charade. Bea seeks escape from her ex’s shadow, while Ben hopes to spark jealousy in his old flame.

As they navigate the masquerade, participating in romantic couple activities and faking intimate moments, something unexpected happens. The line between pretense and reality blurs. Underneath the bickering and witty banter, they discover unexpected vulnerabilities and shared passions, leading to a genuine connection they can’t ignore.

Their budding romance faces obstacles: Jonathan’s disapproval, Bea’s overbearing parents, and the inevitable exposure of their charade. But through humorous confrontations and self-reflection, they learn to trust each other and fight for their newfound love. In the end, defying expectations and overcoming external pressures, Ben and Bea choose to embrace their feelings, leaving the future open to exciting possibilities.

Their journey is not just about finding love, but also about self-discovery. Bea sheds her insecurities and carves her own path, while Ben confronts his emotional walls and learns to be vulnerable. Their relationship, born from a playful ruse, blossoms into something authentic and true, reminding us that love can sometimes surprise us in the most unexpected places.

* * *

[Bea] Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

[Bea] Hi. Where’s your bathroom?

It’s for customers only.

[Bea] Oh, okay. I’ll buy something.

You gotta pay up there.

[Bea] Can I just go now? I really have to pee.

I’ve got a large cappuccino for Skylar.

Thanks.

[Bea] I also kind of, well, no… I know that establishments that serve food or drink must be open to the public regardless of their purchasing class.

Sorry, it’s our policy.

[Bea] Store policy can’t really supersede state law. Please, it’s an emergency.

Caramel latte for Miranda.

Honey, I’m about to order. Do you want your usual?

[Bea] Uh.

My wife would like a double espresso although you’ve had trouble sleeping lately, right babe? Maybe we should back it off to a single. You kept the light on until like midnight last night.

[Bea] I did, didn’t I? Yeah, so maybe I’ll just have a peppermint tea with two sugars. Thanks, husband.

Oh, and the bread. It’s grilled cheese night. And she is part of the purchasing class, so can we get the bathroom key? Thank you.

[Bea] Thank you. That was really nice.

Happy to. You knew a lot about bathroom law.

[Bea] It was a short chapter. Thank you.

Oh. I’ll have your tea waiting for you. Can’t leave my wife.

[Bea] Oh. Okay. That’s great. I will see you on the other side.


[Bea] Hallie, I just met this guy and I don’t know, it was something. Well, I know it’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure he bought me a tea and he might have just stolen my coat. But what do I do? Oh no, this is the time that I’m supposed to be meeting people and doing things. Hallie, I gotta call you back. God damn it.

Are you okay?

[Bea] Big time. I am big time okay. I just had to pee for like the last six hours and I just started this new internship. And I didn’t want to ask anyone where the bathroom was because I didn’t want them to think I was weak and not a problem solver.

Okay.

[Bea] And by the way, it is not me to ask where the bathroom is. Every human does it. It’s very, very normal.

Yeah.

Peppermint tea, two sugars.

[Bea] Thank you. And thanks for not stealing my coat.

Oh.

[Bea] Hi.

[Bea] Thank you.

Oh, hey. You…

[Bea] So are you going to ask me out now?

Yeah. Yeah, I am. I’m Ben.

[Bea] I’m Bea.

[Bea] So if we were getting attacked by giant spiders, you would not be able to protect us?

No, no. You’d be dead.

[Bea] You would let me die?

I’m not going to let you die. I’m just going to survive. You’re right. You’re right. You’re right.

[Bea] I was a gymnast.

Gymnast?

[Bea] Yes. For like five years. I got like sixth place on beam.

Sixth place?

[Bea] Yes. Got a ribbon.

I’m impressed.

[Bea] Everybody gets a ribbon.

All right, wait to cool down. You just saw me take it off the burning stove.

[Bea] Oh, my God.

If you’re going to be a lawyer, you got to understand negligence and breach and McDonald’s versus that lady’s habeas corpus.

[Bea] You used none of those terms properly.

How do you know? You’re not a lawyer yet. It’s not too late to choose a more noble profession.

[Bea] Oh, like you?

You’re right. Stick with it. I’m going to need a lawyer at some point.

[Bea] I don’t even know if I want to be a lawyer. I cannot believe I just said that out loud. I’m sorry. My life is a disaster right now.

Might be turning the corner. You just met me.

[Bea] Or I might end up in a suitcase. I mean, look at this place. It looks like every serial killer reenactment documentary. Why do you have a giant wrench?

Okay, it wouldn’t be a suitcase. It’d be a carry-on because you’re zero feet tall. And my mom gave me that. She said no matter how broken something is, there’s always a way to fix it. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m talking to you about my mom right now.

[Bea] Alright. Then tell me about that.

That is a long story. Everybody survived.

[Bea] Great.

[Bea] Holly, I don’t know this guy. He’s fucking great.

Yo, let’s go, Benny. Come on, cupcake. We’re gonna be late.

‘Sup, Pete.

No way. You cooked? That girl you blew me off for stayed over?

[Bea] He asked me out and then I kind of asked him out and then we just walked around the city and we fell asleep talking. I don’t– I left before you could wake up. I don’t know why. Why did I? What the fuck am I doing? Okay, I love you. Bye. I’m so sorry I woke you up. I didn’t– This whole thing is so new to me. Bye.

You got cheese and bread. You didn’t miss one ingredient. What you doing with that? Why you got the giant wrench? You told her about your mom, bro? You don’t tell nobody about your mom. Fuck, dog. You in love, man. About fucking time, man. My boy’s in love.

Fuck that. I couldn’t get her out of here fast enough. This girl’s a disaster. She’s a nothing.


SIX MONTHS LATER

Want to get a mansion, a jacuzzi, a theater to watch my movies, a couple whips and lots of fancy things.

The kids, they call the goonies.

I see the future crystal ball, mirror, mirror, hanging on the wall.

Got your girlfriend screaming all the cops.

Hey.

Hey.

Claudia.

Holly.

There we go.

Hey, what’s up, Glee?

Ben, this is Holly, my new girlfriend.

Are we saying that now?

Yeah, is that cool?

Yeah, I mean, I don’t really like labels, but I like you a whole bunch. I like your friend a whole bunch. And if she wants to put a label on me, then she can sew it on wherever she wants. That was weird. That was weird. I’m not into S&M or anything like that, unless you are, which would be totally cool, you know? You do you.

Well, she really likes you, too. And that is very rare for her.

Oh, look who’s talking.

How’s the crowd in here tonight?

Over there, big boy.

Oh, B.

Do ladies like dumplings? We just had the greatest dumplings.

Pete, meet my sister. This is Pete, Claudia’s brother.

[Bea] Nice to meet you.

And Ben. Ben. This is Ben. We all grew up together.

Hey.

[Bea] Yeah.

You two know each other?

Yeah, we met.

[Bea] Barely.

Wow, that’s so random.

[Bea] I’m going to go grab a drink.

Door’s that way if you’re looking to sneak out. I know that’s your thing.

[Bea] Well, I am a disaster.

Let’s go away from this.

Yeah.

So you a lawyer yet?

[Bea] Why? Do you need a defense attorney?

I’m just curious how you passed the class on ethics and not bailing on people.

I think that’s the jerk who B got with when she was on her break from Jonathan.

No way. So B’s the coffee girl who ghosted him?

I thought she looked familiar, but I don’t see faces. I just see souls.

At least he made her realize that Jonathan was the one.

[Bea] I’m engaged now.

Good for you. Where are you registered? I’ll buy you a broomstick.

[Bea] I’ll send you an invite. You still live at 28 Fuckboy Lane?

You do remember. See, it did mean something to you.

[Bea] You’ll always be my rock bottom. The night I spent with a bitch.

Did she just call him a bitch?

You think they’re going to physically fight?

Or fuck?

That’s a fine line.

[Bea] Let’s just get through tonight for them, OK?

Elle, she’s your sister. I’m sure the relationship won’t last long.

[Bea] She’s your friend. I question why they’re even together.

Then I’m going to get a drink and toast to never seeing you again.

[Bea] Cheers to that, bro.


ANYONE BUT YOU

So before I pronounce this newlywed couple, if anyone has an issue with these two wonderful people joining together in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

I have an objection.

Leo, don’t do this.

I have to, Annie. It’s just not right. There’s no way I can bless this union without their friends and family joining us to celebrate in Australia.

We’re getting married in Sydney.


Welcome on board. 2K to the front.

Thank you, Sheryl.

51E, how long’s the flight?

16 hours. 51F, thanks. 73F, all the way to the back.

Hey. Head of the wedding?

[Bea] Of my sister, yes, I am.

How crazy is it that we’re on the same plane?

[Bea] Don’t think there’s thousands of flights flying to Sydney every day.

Oh, there’s quite a few, actually. Qantas, American, Qantas through Dubai, some co-chairs. Serendipity, I guess.

[Bea] I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

So where’s your fiance? Wait, is this him? Hey, I’m Ben. I was her hall pass on your break.

What?

Oh my god, I forgot. Claude told me you dumped him. Did you sneak out on your wedding day?

[Bea] Wow, you are a child.

It’s a pretty long flight. Do you want anything from the front of the boat? Hot cookie, eye mask, pajamas, last 10 years of your life?

[Bea] No, thank you. I’m all good on creatine and smell like insecurity.

Nothing small about me.

What the fuck?

Have a good flight. See you there.


Why do so many of us feel stuck? How is it even a very successful? Often feel like there is something missing from their lives. Why do so many people spend years mystically thinking about choices they might have made? One answer to that problem, many of us are leading lives that are misaligned with our own deepest values and preferences.

Thank you so much for joining me today on Hidden Brain. What psychology can teach us about living our most authentic lives?

[Bea] What the fuck?


Hey, Vinny! Vindale! OK, Vin, looking good.

Thanks for picking me up, dude.

Not just you, my guy.

Spelling Bee!

[Bea] Hey!

Our sisters are getting married. How dope is that?

[Bea] I know, I’m so excited.

Oh, great. All right, let’s hit it.

Thank you. I hope all of you have a wonderful vacation. I wish you all the best for the Mid-Autumn Festival.

Bye.

Y’all ready for Australia?

Can’t wait for y’all to see where we stay. And the plan is so dope.

We’re all staying at the same place?

Yep, my stepdad’s house. Super important for them to keep the wedding party together.

[Bea] Sounds like a piece of information that could have been shared a little earlier.

Well, that’s because they think you guys hate each other, so they didn’t want to poke the beard.


Not bad, right?

You don’t even play tennis.

I know, but I feel sweet.

Hey, meet Kalonabee, y’all.

Meet Kalonabee.

Hey, meet Kalonabee.

All over.

All over.

Spin, spin, spin.

Woo-hoo!

He was the only member of the family who was trans.

Yeah, he was there.

[Bea] Whoa.

You’re right. This place is insane.

I know. All right, let’s get some sand under your feet.

Have you guys made up?

All good.

[Bea] We’re fine if he just stays away from me.

Don’t need an invitation for that.

[Bea] I think you do if you’re like this. You can’t leave me alone.

Same reason I slowed down at the car crash.

Okay, so you guys buried the hatchet, water under the bridge, two adults adulting like fucking adults.

Oh, we did have a little bit of a last minute snafu though. You guys are gonna have to share a room. There’s only one bed, but we hung a shower curtain in the middle.

She’s kidding.

[Bea] You’re funny. I can’t wait any longer.

Wait for me!

Hallie’s such a goof.

She’s good for you. She could use some spontaneity.

Hey, this weekend is gonna be perfect.

I hope so. I have a million contingencies and scenarios for everything. And honestly, I just want this wedding to be beautiful because I love the shit out of her and I just wanna marry the bitch, you know what I’m saying?

You’re such a romantic.

Hey, don’t be mad at me, but Margaret’s here.

Why would I be mad? She lives here, I was 100% expecting to see her.

Yeah. Margaret, Margaret, look who’s here.

There she is. 100%.

Go rip off the band-aid.

Babe!

How’s it going, stranger?

I was hoping you’d come. I wanted to message you, but I didn’t know how you’d feel about hearing from me.

Are you kidding?

[Bea] I’m never leaving.

Never leave.

[Bea] How are mom and dad?

They’re good. You know, mom now thinks she’s Australian and dad’s not at all pointing out every tiny little detail that’s different. They’re also a little worried how you’re gonna react to all this.

[Bea] What are you talking about?

Well, you know, everybody thought that you’d be the one getting married first. You always used to talk about your wedding growing up. You used the toilet paper as a wedding dress when I just used it to dress like a mummy, you know?

[Bea] Hallie, stop. That’s not me anymore. I’m free now. I’m deprogrammed. That does not mean I don’t support you and your misguided view that soulmates exist.

That’s sweet. Is that gonna be your toast?

[Bea] You and Claudia are the exception. I’m really happy for you, for real. What’s going on over there?

That’s Claudia’s cousin. She visited the States a few years back. They dated. No biggie. Broke up with him. Crushed his heart.

No way, that man does not have a heart.

Feels like forever ago. We were babies.

I’m really happy you’re here. We can reconnect as maybe not babies.

I would love that. Beau! Come eat my mate. Ben, this is my partner, Beau.

Hi, mate.

Like, tennis partner?

Sometimes after. How do you two dags know each other?

We had a bit of a go back when, didn’t we?

Did you now? Good on ya. Hey, we’re gonna go trotting this weekend. Hit up the turps out here, eh? It’s gonna be a cracker. Woo!

You know it.

Great guy.

Yeah.


Mommy!

Hey, Beatrice.

[Bea] Dad!

You made it.

Oh, baby.

Hi, baby.

Hi, honey.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

How’s our future lawyer?

[Bea] Great.

Great.

[Bea] How’s the trip been?

Oh, magical. The Australians are all wonderful. And excuse me, but good looking.

[Bea] Oh.

Why are they so weird about their plugs? I mean, this place is basically America. They speak English, they eat regular food, they have a complicated relationship with their past.

How are you doing, honey?

I’m doing okay.

[Bea] I’m doing great. My big sister’s getting married.

Could have been you. Could still be you someday.

Have you heard from Jonathan? Did he call or anything?

Well, that didn’t take long.

We’re just torn up that he’s not part of our family anymore.

I mean, he works at our house every night from like 11 years old. He was basically family. Was about to be actual family.

[Bea] If I never ask you for anything ever again, can you please just lay off of me this weekend?

I just want both of our daughters to be happy.

[Bea] I’m very happy, but not when you guys do this.

Ned, you in the right direction? He’s such a great guy. Just think on it, yeah?


Bee, dinner at 7.30, okay?

[Bea] Yeah. Yeah.

Ben, all set for dinner, yeah?

Yeah, I’ll be there.


I was plagiarizing.

Hey!

Hi Ben!

Hey Ben!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Everybody?

Dad’s speech.

Oh yes, right, okay. We’re gonna make this short, because you’ve all traveled a bloody long distance, and Carol and I are so appreciative. Biggest thing we’ve missed since coming back from the States is not seeing our kids. And you lot, our extended family, so we’re just over the moon to have a full house before the wedding on Sunday.

Where we will celebrate Hallie and Claudia, setting off on this crazy thing called life. And of course, Innie and Leo, our new family.

Well, we’re just so grateful, not only for your incredible hospitality, but for bringing into the world your beautiful daughter.

So as they say in our country, abondanza.

Cheers!

Now baby.

Wow!

What classes are you loving? Have you given any more thought to tort law? ‘Cause class action is really where it’s at right now. What does Jonathan say? He knows you pretty well. What does he think you should do?

[Bea] Mom.

Okay.

I can’t even remember why we put you in the truck again. We didn’t put her in the trunk, she stowed away in the trunk.

Yeah, I wanted to go with you guys to see Cinderella.

We were going to Coachella.

I know that now, it was nice.

All right, everyone. So Sage is meant to cleanse negative energy. Let’s just have a moment to calm ourselves. I am not looking at anybody in particular, but I am looking at you, Bee, and you, Ben.

Crown chakra.

Let’s hit that cobra.

Cleanse, get that weasel.

Okay.

Go!

You go, you go.

Sign of the times.

All right, all right, four words.

First word, the, A, of, if.

Animosity, hate, liar.

Five words.

[Bea] No, just shut the fuck up.

The Bible.

A woman, a woman, a woman who uses her sexuality to take advantage of other people.

Mom, focus, okay? Right here, right here.

This is a white people’s game. Y’all spend so much time trying to trick each other. Y’all got so much time on your hands. Just say the word.

It’s on the extreme.

Grumpy old man.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, okay, yeah, okay.

[Bea] Fuck boy.

Old cat woman.

[Bea] Your ego.

Okay.

What is this?

[Bea] Wait, no props.

No one cares, no one can see us.

[Bea] Cheaters are shocking.

Says the woman who cheated on her fiance.

[Bea] We were on a break, asshole.

You’re either broken up for good, or you’re cheating. Either way, someone’s lying to someone.

[Bea] I must have really gotten under your skin.

Roger, what is this?

Fat, five.

What is the thing I’m holding in my hand?

Fireworks.

Fireworks by Katy Perry.

Hey.

[Bea] That is not fair.

Hey, what, you’re not fair. What’s wrong with you? Just stop.

[Bea] What are you doing?

What is wrong with you?

[Bea] Stop.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Sam, what the?

Oh my God.

Ali.

Get back.

Sam.

Roger.

I’ve got this.

That’s some gangster shit right there.

Sorry.

[Bea] Sorry.


They’re going to ruin our wedding.

All that matters is that we’re together.

It’s true.

Look baby, I love you to the moon and back, but those two fuckwads are going to destroy our weekend, and our memories, which we are going to have for a very long time, are headed straight over a cliff.

It’s going to be fine baby, we just have to. to stand there and profess our love.

It seems to me, their animus only surfaced after they spent a night together. Am I accurate?

That’s usually how it goes, honey.

We crumple our feelings into a ball and shove ’em deep down so we can enjoy a bit of frisk.

The solution appears to be simple then. We return them to the night they were spent.

Like we trick them into falling in love with each other?

He didn’t say anything about love, honey. We just need to get them to jump each other’s bones.


Yeah, come on!

That was good, right?

That was good.

You go, you go, you go, you go, you go.

She clearly has eyes for Ben.

Who does, father?

Hallie Spence, the sister. The plump-chested one with the sad eyes.

You can’t say that. What the hell?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was rude. I apologize to anyone that was listening, which can only be you, Pete, ’cause you’re the only person that was listening. I apologize.

I accept your apology and will now move on. Do you know Bea’s been in love with Ben since the first night they met?

Well, why didn’t she tell him? You know, when I was a young bloke and I liked a girl, I would sneak up behind her and I’d cut a lock of her hair and then I’d smack her on the bum!

What the hell?

I don’t know, I’m not good at this, sorry.

Bea was just too scared to tell him, but I’ve talked to her and she says she regrets walking out that morning.

Tell me more, son.

Why me?

Because you’re really good at it, right? You can do it.

Why me, why? Why you put this hat on me? No one can see me, it’s a radio play, motherfucker. Bea wants us to tell him how much she likes him, so he lets his guard down and goes to her. Some Cupid’s killed with arrows and some with traps.

That was good, I like that, that’s good.

I just made it up.

So, he needs to go to her, drop his drawers, and say, “Come to Papa.”

What are you doing?

I’m from a different generation.

And your generation sucks. You fucked up the whole world for us.

And I’m full of shame. But the bottom line, Bea likes Ben.

But Ben feels awful that he called her a disaster. I mean, he said it was his fragile male ego.

Then why is he fighting with her?

Well, because he likes her.

And I know that Bea likes Ben. She’s just denying herself because she’s got in her head somehow that she’ll never love again.

Whoa, I’m not talking about love, baby. I’m talking about dick.

Oh, it’s Ben.

Oh.

Hey. You.

[Bea] Oh God, they got to you too?

What?

[Bea] Did you just overhear Holly and Claudia say how much I like you?

No.

[Bea] Really?

It was Pete and Roger.

[Bea] Fantastic, it’s a team effort. They’re trying to get us together.

No way.

[Bea] Come here.

Oh, maybe they want us to stop acting like assholes so we don’t ruin the biggest event of their lives.

[Bea] Us? There is no us and assholes. You’re the one who destroyed the living room.

Would you two mind helping me with something? I hate to ask, but I’d really appreciate it.

Sure.

[Bea] Yeah.


So Roger left his sunglasses on the sailboat. I swear, if his head wasn’t screwed on, we’d use it as a bowling ball. Do me a favor and swim out and get them. It’s the one on the right.

Both of us.

[Bea] Is that really a two person job?

Doesn’t seem like it.

You two. Yeah.

[Bea] All right, so everyone’s involved in this.

I know.

[Bea] I feel bad.

Me too.

[Bea] I don’t want to bum Holly and Claudia out.

Just me and you.

[Bea] Can you not swim?

I’m an excellent swimmer.

[Bea] Why are you so out of breath?

I’m fine. How much further do you think?

[Bea] Are your eyes closed?

I think it’s dark.

[Bea] Why are you so out of shape? You have like a 10 pop.

I’m not out of shape. I’ve been to 295, 300 once. I just don’t do cardio.

[Bea] Oh my God, you’re hot girl fit.

I’m not hot girl fit.

[Bea] Okay, my bad. We’ll see you at the boat.

Wait, wait, wait.

I could have done it myself, but whatever. Thanks.

[Bea] No fucking way.

Honey, look who’s here.

[Bea] I cannot believe they did this.

Who is that?

[Bea] That is my ex, Jonathan.

Hey, hey.

What is he doing here?

[Bea] My Black Hawk helicopter parents have been trying to get us back together for the past four months.

They flew him halfway across the world to your sister’s wedding? That’s some deep off shit. They came to play.

[Bea] That’s my parents. They think I’m throwing my life away.

Honey, we’re just gonna take him back and get him all settled in.

I’ll see you later.

[Bea] You know, maybe we should do it. Just tell everyone we’re together.

What?

[Bea] It would solve that problem for me and that problem for you.

I don’t have a problem.

[Bea] You clearly want Margaret.

No, I don’t.

[Bea] Yes, you do. I saw the way you looked at her last night and I know she broke your heart. She sees you’re with me. She wants what she can’t have and then bye bye crocodile Jack. Fuck, he’s fast.

Making her jealous is not gonna work. We’re not in seventh grade.

[Bea] Trust me, bro. We’re all in seventh grade when it comes to this stuff. They’ve already gone through all of the bullshit trying to trick us into each other’s arms. Let’s just embrace it.

There’s no way we can convince anyone we actually like each other.

[Bea] Yeah, you’re right.

I know.

[Bea] You know, I still think about that night we spent together.

Shut up.

[Bea] No, I’m serious. You know, this could be kind of fun. We’re at a wedding a million miles away from home. Who knows what could happen under the cover of a masquerade. And that night at your place, no matter how it ended, it was still pretty amazing. … Convincing enough?

Fuck it. Let’s do it. … Just wait. Wait.

Okay, okay. Whoever wants to go on the hike, we need to leave now. We’re running behind schedule.

Wait, wait, wait.

Babe, the mountains have been there for millions of years. A few more minutes isn’t gonna hurt them.

Baby, I know you are trying to calm me down and I love you for it. Thank you. But I am hurting cats right now and I need some help instead of this easy breezy Martin Scorsese.

Aw, jitters. Remember our wedding?

Only that you’re the most beautiful bride on God’s green earth.

Right answer.

We’re coming, we’re coming, we’re coming.

Jinx, you owe me a cup.

Oh, you have a little something in your teeth.

[Bea] Oh, no, wait, get it, get it, get it.

Yeah, let me just take that out.

Oh, I gotta get it out.

Oh, it’s right there.

Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it.

Honey, here he is.

Hey.

[Bea] Jonathan.

So nice to see you.

[Bea] I had no idea you were coming.

So your parents didn’t tell you, okay? Yeah, you know, the first thing I asked them when they invited me was, “Does B know?” ‘Cause otherwise this would be really fucking awkward. And now it is fucking awkward.

No, no, not at all.

I’m in a lot of love.

No, you’re like family. It’d be effing awkward if you weren’t here.

I’m so glad you’re here.

I’m so happy for you two. Hey, congratulations.

Yeah, thanks.

Right?

[Bea] It’s great to see you.

It’s great to see you too.

We’re all going on a hike, so whoever wants to come with, we gotta move out. Let’s move out.

[Bea] Ben, meet Jonathan.

Oh, hey, man.

I’m Ben.

Hey, oh, Pete and Claudia’s friend, right?

Also friends with Bea, among other things.

Yeah, it’s nice to meet you.

Okay, plenty of enough time in the car to do whatever the fuck this is. Come on, let’s go!

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

[Bea] We need to come up with a game plan.

Yeah, you are so terrible at this.

[Bea] What?

We’re doing this thing!

Honey, I’m sorry. I know we should have asked you, but we had to invite you.

Oh, it’s totally fine. I’m glad he’s here. I love him and Holly loves him.

Really?

[Bea] Yeah.

Great, okay. So we’re spending a little time together away from the real world and see if you rekindle, re-spark, re-bark.

[Bea] Oh, no, Mom, guys, no. I totally forgot to tell you, but I’m with Ben. … Do you want to come?

I think I’m going to hang back and yell at your parents. Have fun.


Alright, so is it like we just got together or we’ve been sneaking around? Oh, I got it. What if we ran into each other at Chipotle, lady in the tramp, the burrito?

[Bea] No.

This can’t be that hard.

[Bea] It’s harder than you think. My parents don’t even believe it yet.

You told them five seconds ago.

[Bea] They know I would never go out with a guy like you.

You’ve been with one guy your entire life.

[Bea] Jonathan’s a better man than you’ll ever be.

And yet you left him. Which is why exactly? Because he seems like he checks all your boxes.

[Bea] Okay, you don’t know my boxes and you never will. Just figure this out, please.

Okay. We just suck face in front of everybody. Half of them think they set us up anyway.

[Bea] No, that’s too much. We need to do something that’s more hidden so it feels more real, not some fuckboy wedding hookup.

You’re calling me a fuckboy like it’s an insult? I own that shit.

[Bea] Let’s just be affectionate. I know it’s a foreign concept for you.

I can be affectionate. I’ll affectionate the shit out of you.

I can’t believe your parents invited Jonathan. Now I have to find a table to sit him at.

What about Bea?

No, no, she’s fine. She’s sitting with us at our table.

No, I’m talking about how she’s already at a low point because she’s going through a breakup and I don’t even know what’s happening with school. She never even talks about it anymore.

I guess I could put up with the cousins.

Why?

You alright?

Oh, shit.

Wow.

Check it out, guys!

Nice!

Yeah!

Beautiful!

See, I told you it was going to be good.

Man, that’s nice.

[Bea] Oh, wow.

Wow.

[Bea] So beautiful.

There it is.

Feel the serenity.

Pretty spectacular, hey?

It’s amazing.

[Bea] Alright, your turn.

Wow.

[Bea] This is just so romantic.

Okay, nuzzle my neck.

[Bea] Okay.

Get in there. Damn, you are short.

[Bea] You are not tall enough to say that.

Oh.

[Bea] Oh, are you ticklish?

No, I’m acting.

[Bea] Like a toddler?

No, go away. Okay, I can use that.

[Bea] Beg me. Beg me to stuff you in the butt.

Stop! Just let me do it. Permission to put my left hand on your right buttock.

[Bea] Granted. Too hard.

Sorry. You gotta sell it.

[Bea] Okay, not in circles. It’s not a magic lamp.

What?

[Bea] Okay, now you’re just playing bop it.

I’ve never rubbed a bopper show.

[Bea] Clearly, you’ve tried. Are you not wearing underwear?

It’s a swimsuit. I’m on holiday.

[Bea] Oh.

Okay, just mind the gap.

[Bea] How’s that?

That’s good. Just like, but you don’t have to hover. Just kind of, oh, man the woods.

[Bea] I’m sorry.

Okay, just take it out.

[Bea] You try.

You want me to stick my finger in my own ass? How’s that gonna convince? Oh, on you. I can’t. Jesus Christ, it’s like a vacuum pack down here. How’d you get in this thing? Oh, man, it’s tight. Oh, see, it’s like holding a baby bird.

[Bea] God damn it.

Were they not watching this whole time?

[Bea] You like a mole or something on your butt?

No.

[Bea] Really? ‘Cause I feel something.

I don’t have a mole. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Are there any more on me?

[Bea] I don’t know.

Jack, spiders hunt bears. They hunt bears.

No pictures. Put the cameras down. We’re not gonna take a spirit.

Are there any more?

[Bea] I don’t know.

Where are they? I feel it. I feel it.

[Bea] I think I see something.

What do you see? What do you see?

[Bea] Oh, no, that’s just a part of you. You’re fine.

All right, look, if I have one of those little fuckers in me, they might be in you.

[Bea] I’m good.

That’s probably a better way to check than what I did.

[Bea] Yeah.

All right, little one, we join your journey. We do not inherit the earth. We just borrow it from our creatures.

Hey, guys. What did we miss?

Wow.


Why can’t I get this?

Because you’re meant to learn to dive when you’re six.

You got this, hon.

You ever try focusing on your toes? My mom taught me this trick. If you pretend like there’s a string from your nose to your toes, you just kind of maintain that position. You mind doing it again? This time I’m going to shout out a tribute question. I think it’s just going to help clear your mind.

Just make sure it’s a question about airplanes or the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Okay, um, uh, what company created the Concorde?

A collaboration between British Airways and the French government. How’d I do?

You’re good there.

Maybe your mom can teach him how to dive.

She passed away.

Oh, I’m so sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

All right, I’m going to go again, but this time give me one with a little shorter answer.

I have a better idea. You just let me do everything, I’ll guide you in. Don’t think.

Be careful of his shoulder.

Yeah, I wrecked it jumping off a moving train in Paris.

Wouldn’t let me see the Eiffel Tower alone.

I had to tell her I love her. When you know she’s the one, nothing else matters.

I’m waving, thank you, thank you.

There you go.

Did I do it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Bea] Good job, babe.

Your dad’s a natural.

[Bea] I’m so glad you guys got to spend some time with Ben.

Are you two really…

…getting to know each other in a very respectful manner? One befitting such a kind and intelligent woman as your daughter.

[Bea] Yes, we are in the early stages.

Not too early.

[Bea] But also not so advanced.

Just that magical moment when two people come together in this crazy journey we call life.

[Bea] That’s why I was so worried when Jonathan showed up. I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I even suggested we hide our light under a bushel for his sake.

[Bea] But our love is just so strong. And I know what you guys are thinking. He’s much older.

They weren’t, right? Probably thinking I’m 27, early 28s.

[Bea] Yes, we are very happy.

Happiest.

[Bea] Yep.

You know, you looked like that back in the day.

No, I didn’t. That guy’s made out of cobblestone.

They’re holding hands.

I think it’s working.

I can’t believe these dumbasses were so easily fooled.

[Bea] Was that bullshit about your mom?

What?

[Bea] The story about the giant wrench. I thought it might have been a lie until all your one night nothings.

You ever heard that too?

[Bea] Like, I didn’t mean… I’m sorry. And it wasn’t a lie.

[Bea] Thanks for being so nice to my dad. You should probably rinse off. You have his SPF a billion on you now.

Cheers, mate. I’ll just grab a quickie.

Okay.

So, Australia. What do you reckon, eh? How you finding it?

I don’t know. It’s great.

Maz goes on about you all the time. Ripper Cunt, she calls you.

Maz is Margaret, and Ripper Cunt is…

Good friend. Oh, yeah. You know you had a proper surf when sand gets all up your clacker. And your gobbler, too.

Gobbler is…

You know, your hog bonnet. You know, your beef cap. Come on, mate. You know, the anteater. Anyway, good to have ya. Gotcha.

G’day, love.

Hey, mate. Fancy a game?

[Bea] You’re going down. How have you been doing?

Pretty good. You?

[Bea] Okay, I guess.

How’s school going? Decide what kind of law you wanna practice yet?

[Bea] You know me. I’ve never been one for practicing.

Still having second thoughts?

[Bea] Straight to third.

I know it’s weird, me being here, but believe me, I had nothing to do with it. Your parents duped me, gave me the freaking flyer miles.

[Bea] That’s sweet. You’re part of the family.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking about you.

[Bea] Yeah, me too.

How long have you and that guy, Ben, been?

[Bea] It’s kind of new. Not like new, new, but newish.

Well, I think he seems great.

[Bea] No, you don’t.

I really don’t.

[Bea] Thanks for being so cool about all of this. Not just this, but this too.

It’s really good to see you, Bea.

[Bea] I’m glad you’re here. Now let’s have fun.

Let’s do it.

Mate.

That’s me.

You want a coffee? It’s the best in the world.

You guys are really proud of your coffee here.

It’s the best in the fucking world.

Okay.

Enjoy.

Fuck, that is good.

I was thinking of going for a bit of a run later. Do you want to join?

I’m actually going on a bike ride with Bea, so I don’t think I can.

She’s a little sweet on you, hey?

Oh, you caught that.

How long have you and Beau been together?

Nah, we’re just banging about. He’s nice, but I think I’m looking for someone less casual. More romantic.

Wow.

Why did me and you ever break up anyway?

I don’t really remember, but I think you said something like I was an immature, drongo, smothered in ex body spray.

Smells like you’re not that guy anymore. Bea’s a lucky girl.

Oh.

Hey, open the door. Bea.

[Bea] What’s wrong?

Margaret thinks we’re together.

[Bea] That’s great.

No, Margaret needs to think we’re the right type of together. Not together together, but like situationally together. ‘Cause if she thinks we’re together together, she’s not gonna break girl code. So we need to finesse our togetherness so that we’re together, but there’s an opening for our togetherness and she can just slide right in so that we can be together.

[Bea] Are you on Coke?

No, it’s like coffee here. It’s like meth. I’m guessing. No, I’m not. I worked at Goldman. Partner’s wedding. Do what you do.

[Bea] Jesus, dude, who are you?

I’m a man trying to figure this out. Look at your room, it’s so much bigger. You got a painting? Wow, that’s so red. We have to kick it up a notch. Make it feel like we’re in the Gaga stage.

[Bea] What do you wanna do, take me in the hallway?

That is not Gaga. Actually, that could be construed as Gaga. Tonight’s the rehearsal dinner, so we have to do something that makes it look like you’re into me, but you’re not into me. And I’m into you, but you can tell by my face that it’s never gonna mount.

[Bea] Get it together, man.

You hit me so much.


Okay, Kalana, now pretend this is a real fox that messed up our garden. Fuck it up. Fuck it up, fuck it up, fuck it up, fuck it up. Yeah, fuck it up, fuck it up. Fuck it up. Ooh. You see that?

He did it, yeah. Oh, hey, they’re here. All right, everybody, wheels up.

Hustle up.

Bad dog.

You look cute.

Baby, you look so good.

She’s has been.

You look so good.

Yeah, I look bad.

Man, this is the best time to say that.

Daddy’s a dad.

Come on, let’s go.

Yeah.

All right, let’s do it.

Thank you.

You see the size of that boat?

Hey, guys.

Woo!

[Bea] Nice touch.

Nice dress.

You have a good heart.

I love this dress.

You look fine.

Oh, thank you.

What would you like to drink?

What’s a traditional drink for a rehearsal dinner?

Three scotches neat and a champagne for the lady.

Oh, thank you.

All right.

You remembered.

That you can’t handle hard liquor? Yeah, the smell’s still not out of my car.

You know I feel really bad about that. That was a fun night. That was a fun summer.

Marks! Marks, captain says that we can steer the ship.

Oh, okay, I’m coming. Hang on, I’ve got heels on.

Look how lucky we are. On a boat sailing back and forth with no real transportation or reason.

Okay.

And look at you, Polly Pocket. You the belle of the boat.

He didn’t remember me.

Oh, hey, look, is that Tasmania?

No, honey, that’s, yes, I think it might be. Polly, Tasmania, God damn it.

There it is.

Well, at least that was subtle.

[Bea] Was it?

This oddly reminds me of prom.

[Bea] The first or second time?

Jonathan is just the most perfect guy.

He’s like a son to us.

Well, that might be a problem, mate. They might not wanna shag a brother.

So how’s it going? Can parents back off a little?

[Bea] How about you?

Game on.

[Bea] Can you even dance?

You just let me lead.

[Bea] Oh, God.

Let’s go.

Is Margaret watching?

It’s a little hard to tell what bitch Hemsworth am I wearing.

Everybody to the top deck, we about to do a champagne toast.

[Bea] Come with me.

So what are we doing?

[Bea] Closing the deal. Titanic me.

What?

Oh, help yourself to some champagne.

Oh, thank you.

Grab some drinks.

Oh, great.

Nice.

[Bea] Titanic me.

No, that is so lame.

[Bea] Exactly. The only people who would do something this lame are the ones who know how lame it is, but are in the first stages of liking each other, so they’re totally comfortable in their mutual lameness. Toast me.

Oh my God.

[Bea] Come on.

This is so cringe. So is saying cringe, old man.

[Bea] Lift my arms.

I’ve seen the movie.

[Bea] Have you?

Okay.

[Bea] Okay.

This is never gonna work.

Aww! That is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!

Are they doing Titanic?

Aww!

[Bea] Are they watching?

Yep.

[Bea] Are they buying it?

Can’t imagine they would.

It’s real. We did it.

We’re good. We’re really bloody good.

Jonathan, have you seen Tasmania?

Inya, I’m fine. It’s fine.

Can I do the line? That’s king of the world. You’re king of the world.

[Bea] Jack, I’m flying!

Okay, we can stop there.

We can stop there.

They’re gone. Show’s over.

Oh my god!

[Bea] No! Wait for me! Help! Wait! Wait!

Bae! Bea! Are you okay?

[Bea] Yeah. Why’d you jump in?

To save you!

[Bea] But you’re a terrible swimmer!

I’m a great swimmer! Just short distances.

[Bea] We’re gonna die.

We’re not gonna die.

[Bea] We’re gonna get hypothermia.

The water’s 90 degrees.

[Bea] We’re gonna get eaten by sharks. Fuck! We’re gonna get eaten by sharks!

We are gonna be fine. And we spent ten hours shredding water off the coast of the Cayman Islands.

[Bea] Goldman?

Yeah, it was a partner’s kids bar mitzvah. A little bit of crack.

Oh my god!

Roger!

Oh my god!

It looks like they’re going full Titanic. I love the commitment!

Stop the boat!

No, no, no.

Help!

They’re coming!

Stay calm!

This is not a very good swim.

Bei!

There.

[Bea] Are you sure?

Yeah. Come on.

Why aren’t we turning the boat around?

We are in too shallow of water. We’ll run aground.

But harbour rescue has been notified.

Come on.

Are you good?

[Bea] Mm-hmm.

Okay.

[Bea] All right. Okay.

Let’s go.

[Bea] All right, get in the row.

Okay.

[Bea] That was, um, probably the most– I mean, if you didn’t close it with Margaret, I don’t– There’s nothing more romantic than jumping in to save me.

Yeah, well, Jonathan didn’t do it, that’s for sure. Your parents half the clock, that’s shit.

[Bea] You didn’t even give him a chance.

Why do you keep defending this guy? Why do you break up with him in the first place?

[Bea] It’s complicated.

It’s never complicated. What, he cheated on you? Drug problem? Did you catch him measuring his dick with a ruler app?

[Bea] We never fought.

Isn’t that a good thing?

[Bea] It was just comfortable. And he’s a great guy, which means there’s no one out there for me because I had the best one. I couldn’t even tell him I quit law school. And I have no idea what I’m gonna do with my life. We’re gonna get eaten by sharks, I had to tell somebody.

No one else knows?

[Bea] I don’t think this is the weekend to drop that bomb.

You finally did it.

[Bea] What?

You know, one night you said you didn’t want to be a lawyer anyways.

[Bea] You remember that?

It was a memorable night, until you snuck out, of course. Why did you?

[Bea] Because you scared the shit out of me. It was the first time in my life that I felt fire and I had to blow it out.

I know a little bit about that. I was really hurt when you left. So I said all that terrible stuff about you to Pete. That’s not how I felt.

[Bea] Look at us. Just a couple of fucked up people floating in the middle of the harbor. Promise me if we make it out alive we’ll go see that from dry land.

It’s a pretty killer view from here.

[Bea] It’s dumb but I want to see the people. Landmarks like those are full of people in love. Marriage proposals, honeymooners, romantics jumping off of moving trains just to see the building with the person they love.

Like your dad in the Eiffel Tower?

[Bea] He told you that?

Nothing else matters when it comes to love.

[Bea] You could use a bit of that right now.

It’s not dumb. You, me and the opera house. It’s a date. I promise.

[Bea] What’s wrong?

I’m a little afraid of flying.

[Bea] Don’t you fly all the time for your job?

I have a very specific routine. I mask, headphones, build my bubble.

That’s my Serenity song. How do you know my Serenity song?

[Bea] Don’t worry about it.

[Bea] You all good?

Shut the fuck up now!

Thanks again.

Stay out of the water, yeah?

Want some coffee?

[Bea] Not the stuff from here. I’ll be up all night.

Yeah.

[Bea] Thanks for kind of saving me though.

It was fun.

[Bea] Stupid, but fun.

Well, that’s the best kind.


No, no, no, it’s hot!

[Bea] I’m warm.

When are you ever gonna learn? Like, you want me to blow on it? … Is it still hot?

We’re getting pretty good at faking it.

[Bea] I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Everything I do just feels like a mistake.

Ben, Steve, are you guys all right?

Ben, wait, you hear?

I can’t hear you.

Steve!

Beatrice! Beatrice!


Honey, what are these? Is that a handprint?

No.

Come on, baby gorgeous. We got chores. Come on, let’s go. Ben, are you ready? We got groom stuff to do.

Dude, I’m coming, I’m coming.

Man, I hope you scrub from top to bottom, ’cause who knows what was in that heart rate.

I also showered last night.

Two showers in eight hours? Go off, King, get clean!

[Bea] Happy Wedding Day! Are you excited?

Yes, I’m so excited to marry Claudia. But, you know, I’m also hosting a party where it feels like we’re all playing parts in a play, and I’m not really into the pageantry, and I kinda just wanna do a little–

[Bea] All that matters is that you and Claudia run for the rest of your lives together.

I love you.

[Bea] I love you too.

Bae? Hey, you’re still good to get the cake, right?

[Bea] Yes, ma’am.

Awesome. I put Margaret on it with you, just to be safe.

[Bea] Margaret.


All right, talk to me, baby. Who’s it gonna be, Margaret or Bae?

Come on, man, don’t give me that.

We’re just two girls talking. I get it, though. It’s tough. Magpie’s your dream girl. She’s confident, beautiful, and she knows how to put out a fire with her attire. Now Bae’s waxing her other hand. Whoo! She’s smart, funny, quick, and she got an ass you could bounce a quarter off of.

Peter.

What? I’m not objectifying Margaret, man. That’d be inappropriate. That’s my cousin.

It’s inappropriate with Bae too.

This is deeper than I thought. Hey, Sydney! My boy is in love!

Stop, dude, just stop.

What?

I know what you’re doing. I know what you’ve all been doing. You set us up, and we went along with it. But it’s fake.

It was my stepdad, right? He can’t act for shit.

You suck too, bro.

That’s foul, dog. It’s definitely gotta be Bae, man.

I don’t know, man. I don’t fucking know. She doesn’t know what she wants. She’s single for basically the first time in her life. She just quit law school. Her fucking fiancé’s here.

Man, stop with all the white boy–

What the–

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Seriously. Anytime something gets real, you run away, call yourself a fuckboy, make an excuse, and you just move on to the next. It’s Bae. You jumped off a boat for her.

Oh, that’s perfect.

[Bea] They’re gonna love it. Thank you so much.

Let me get this boxed up for you.

Thank you.

[Bea] Thank you.

I don’t get all the pageantry of weddings. If you like someone, give ’em a snog. Keep it to yourselves.

[Bea] I wore a wedding dress for Halloween for five years in a row.

Stop it.

[Bea] No, I know. It’s so pathetic. But I am with you now. This is not for me.

So you and Ben aren’t serious?

[Bea] What? No, no, it’s just… we’re just situationally together.

‘Cause when I saw you last night in the harbor, I thought it might be more with you two.

[Bea] Just…situationally.

Is that an American thing?

[Bea] I don’t even know.

So you’re right if I have a go at him, then? I feel like I might have made a mistake letting him loose. If that’s not okay, just tell me. For real.

[Bea] I know he really likes you.


How do you think I should play this with Ben? Should I wait until after the wedding?

[Bea] Um…I don’t know.

Have you guys hooked up?

Hey.

We’re Beatrice.

You quit school?

You’re just gonna pour gasoline on everything you’ve worked for?

Is there still time to re-enroll?

Soon as you broke up with Jonathan, everything turned to pot. Are you on drugs? Because at least then I’d understand.

[Bea] Who told you I quit law school? Was it Ben?

You quit school?

What?

When were you gonna tell us?

Is this to get back at us? I’m sorry if we pushed you to succeed your whole life. We’re such awful parents.

[Bea] Mom, this isn’t about you.

Yes it is. It is about us. And no, we’re not gonna let you throw away your life because you’re going through something. Everyone is always going through something. It’s called life.

Hey.

[Bea] I can’t believe you. You told him I quit school?

No, I didn’t.

You told Pete. Pete told us.

Shit.

I told you what?

Yeah, no, I told Pete, but I didn’t mean it like that.

Told me what?

That we’re gonna find out at some point.

[Bea] That’s not for you to decide.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.

It doesn’t matter how we found out.

Found out what?

She quit law school.

Oh, yeah, I knew that.

[Bea] You’re real shit.

I made a mistake. I’m sorry.

[Bea] There’s a reason why you’re alone. No one can trust you.

Yeah, what’s your reason?

[Bea] Guys like you.

Keep telling yourself that.

[Bea] Fuck off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t do this right here, right now. I messed this all up. It’s all on me.

Why don’t we all go for a swim, eh? Cool off before the wedding?

That’s a great idea. Maybe early drinks?

[Bea] Guys, I am so sorry, but your plan is all ruined. We are not together. We were faking it the whole time.

You knew?

What are they even talking about?

Well, we may have orchestrated a union between the pair of them in order for peace to prevail across the land.

You lied to us? What have you been honest about lately?

So you lied to me too? You’re not together?

[Bea] I could never be with someone like him.

Yeah, ’cause I’m the one who fucked it up.

[Bea] You did fuck it up.

I fucked it up?

[Bea] Yeah, you fucked it up.

I fucked it up?

[Bea] You fucked it up.

Oh, no.

Bad dog, Kalonofin.

I mean, good dog, you killed that shit, but next time read the room, Kaymoney.

[Bea] I am so sorry.

Hey, uh…

Bae.

I think he’s gonna be fine. He’s gonna be fine. He’s gonna be fine.


Good?

You’re perfect.

Relax, you’re working yourself up.

It is not fine. It is not everything. It is fine. Okay, all we asked of them was to come out here, celebrate us, and they are ruining it.

And all week and I have been so stressed, and you’ve been more worried about what’s going on with bae than with me.

Well, you’ve been more concerned about your planning. Are you marrying me or your itinerary?

Well, if that’s how you feel, then why are we even doing this?

I don’t know. You tell me.


There’s one last thing we need to fake.

Claudia, Allie, we’re assholes.

We’re really sorry.

I’m a terrible sister, and he’s a terrible friend.

It’s your guys’ big day.

We’re not gonna mess it up, we promise.

Uh-huh, but just so you both know,

if you fuck up today, the something I borrowed

is a knife, and it’s shiny and new.

Love is intoxicating.

It envelops you, it tickles you,

and it makes you feel like you can walk on air.

It’s like this wind.

It’s in your bones, it’s in your breath,

it’s in every beat of your heart.

You can’t look for it, you can’t describe it,

and you can’t escape it.

Allie, I love you so much,

and I don’t think I say it enough.

You are the yin to my yang,

peanut butter to my jelly,

and I will love you forever and always.

Claudia, I love you with so much of my heart

that none is left to protest.

That’s very good.

Just made it up.

A lot of it.

I now pronounce you married!

Yeah!

Oh, look, there she is.

Oh, hey, parents.

Is that Tasmania?

Yeah.

How are you doing, honey?

I am so sorry I lied to you guys about school.

I didn’t want to disappoint you guys again.

Well, if you’d just told us, maybe we could have–

Trying to talk me out of it?

No, maybe we could have supported you.

I know this is scary for you guys.

Yeah, it’s scary for me too,

and I gotta figure it out on my own.

I know that every now and then

we might come off as a little…

Controlling?

No.

Overbearing?

No.

Actually crazy?

Yes.

That’s it, but only because we love you so much.

Love you.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Hi, Aunt.

Yes?

Do you mind if I steal a hand?

Uh, not at all.

Go ahead.

High five.

Hey.

Hi.

Where’s Bo?

He buggered off.

He said he saw a wave he couldn’t morally not surf.

I’m sorry.

It was never really anything.

And you and Bea.

She said you were just situational.

She said that?

Are you good?

Yeah, we know it’s been a tough weekend for you.

I don’t know.

These last few days really made me realize how much I miss you.

Why don’t you just go for a walk?

Figure your head.

Yeah, we’ll go with you.

No, we won’t.

No.

I love you, but this is our wedding.

So…

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I might go and do some people watching.

Just not… these people.

Thank you.

Wow.

Ben.

I wanted this for so long.

But I think I’m just holding on to a memory.

And also, I… I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I’ve never seen Bea like this before.

Really?

You were the one who said there’s a thin line between love and hate.

You’re always the first person to say that bit, you know?

I know it sounds crazy, but even when they were yapping at each other, I’ve never seen Bea happier.

Same with Ben.

Hey, stepfather, may I have a word?

Yes, but make it quick, son.

I promised my lady a dance, but don’t tell your mother.

You’re so clever.

You know who’s also clever?

Ben.

You know who else would be perfect for Ben?

That mumbly girl who always looks like she’s got a secret.

You know her name is Bea.

That was a callback.

Will you stop?

Stop.

How you going, mate? How you going, Ben?

What, you two?

What?

Just enough with the loud talking and the overhearing.

Just stop.

Bro, we literally didn’t know you were standing there.

Yeah, it’s true. We didn’t know you were listening.

We did.

It was greatly a performance for one.

And we nailed it, too.

What is with you people?

This entire weekend, I have been lied to and manipulated and puppeteered.

I don’t know what is real and what is not.

Mate, I know you’re a little blurry, but I meant what I said up there about love.

It’s too precious a resource to be wasted.

I haven’t seen her. Is she, uh–

She went on a walk a while ago.

After she saw you kissing Margaret.

What?

No, I didn’t kiss Margaret.

Margaret kissed me. I backed up.

I don’t want to be with Margaret.

I want to–

Stop it.

You gorgeous idiot.

Run. Don’t wait on love.

Fight for it.

And don’t worry about the age difference.

I’m 29.

Honey, no one’s 29.

Do you know where she went?

She said she wanted to walk around, do some people watching.

That’s what she said?

People watching?

I think it was more of a euphemism for crying alone.

No, it’s not.

I think I know where she might be.

Good God, man, go get her.

Scour the city block by block.

Scan the grid.

First north, south, then east, west.

Leo, I know exactly where she is.

It makes it a lot easier.

I just need to find my moving train.

What’s going on here?

Is that coffee?

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

Call harbor rescue!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

What the hell? Are you crazy?

Please ask a favor!

Why don’t you just treat people like my folks?

Just go get the girl.

Thank you!

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

I didn’t kiss Margaret. She kissed me.

I know that’s a bullshit excuse, but it’s true.

I couldn’t find a moving train.

Sorry, it’s the best I could do.

Are you out of your mind?

Yeah.

Because it’s been two years since we met

and I haven’t spent every single day with you.

That’s the sign of a crazy person.

I hated you.

I didn’t really give you a choice.

I definitely didn’t hate you.

You called me a bitch.

I said you were acting like a bitch.

No, I was a bitch.

The way I handled everything.

The way I handled the first night.

The way I handled last night.

Yeah, it wasn’t really awesome.

Why did you leave?

I thought you were going to regret it.

And I couldn’t face the idea of losing someone else that I… I really loved.

Last night was the first thing I haven’t regretted in a long time.

I love the way we fight.

I love how smart you are.

I love the weird way you stick your hands down my pants.

And I love how you know what you don’t want.

And if it’s not me, if I don’t check all your boxes,

if I’m not the one, I get it.

That would really, really fucking suck.

So, you gonna kiss me now?

Yeah, I am.

That’s a lot of running for Mr. No Cardio.

Yeah, I’m dying. I need some air.

How do they know my Serenity song?

I’m sorry you almost called off your wedding because of all of our bullshit.

What?

What?

I saw you arguing on the porch.

Oh, no, no, no, we staged a fake fight so you guys would feel bad and make up.

Are you marrying your precious itinerary or me?

Well, if that’s how you feel, I don’t know why we’re doing this anymore.

Thank you very much.

Puppets.

We’re just puppets.

Yep.

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