AMY SCHUMER: MOSTLY SEX STUFF (2012) – Full Transcript

In her raunchy and matter-of-fact style, Amy Schumer leaves all inhibitions at the door. No topic is off limits, from encounters with unexpected body parts to hate-filled personal grooming appointments. Forget boundaries. When Amy discusses her sex life, there are none.

Fuck, yeah! This is such a big night for you. but I’m celebrating. I finally just slept with my high-school crush. Right? Thank you. Thank you, but I swear, now he, like, expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I’m gonna be in three years, right? I’m like, “Whoa!” Slow it down. Fucking kids, right? Fucking small kids. You look, like, upset. Like, I don’t fuck kids. That’s a joke. Like, I would never… I shouldn’t say never. That’s like… you don’t know… I feel like I just painted myself in a corner there. But… that’s not a good way to start.

This is a beautiful theater. I should be really grateful. I worked at a fish restaurant last week. Like, I did stand-up at a fish restaurant, just so you guys know. That’s not a joke. People were, like, eating mussels, and they were just like, “Check”. And I was like, “Can you just let me try and pursue my dream?” And this place is so beautiful. I should have started off with something other than kid fucking. You guys are right. Start over. Class it up.

My mom’s a cunt. Hear me out. Go with me on this, you guys. I know, like, not everyone’s comfortable with that word. Half of you were like, “Ugh,” right? “No, don’t say that”. And the other half of you were like, “Oh, my God. What a coincidence”. “That cunt should meet my cunt mom”. I just… I brought her to a soccer game ’cause I wanted her to see what boundaries looked like, you know? I was like, “Look, stop wearing my clothes”. Ugh. She’s always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she was like, “You know, I can still fit in my wedding dress,” I was like, “Oh, my God. Who cares?” Right? I mean, it is weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was eight months pregnant, but I just… I don’t think bragging’s cool. Are you okay? You’re, like, choking. No? Are you allergic to talent? Hi. Hi. I’m just kidding. Are you okay, really? You need anything? Okay. Oh, God. I don’t need another death under my belt.

Speaking of me taking Plan “B” last week, I… I did. You know… you know what it is? There are some people here… it’s the morning-after pill. I take it the night before ’cause I’m smart. But… some people like to… I’m with you good people. I believe birth begins at conception. So I just, like, beat that shit. Plan Bizzle. Who’s taken it? Who’s taken it? Thank you. Oh, sorry, a room of heroes. Everyone’s like, “Eh” This place is old. There’s probably… you’re probably being inseminated by the seats right now, let’s be real. I did, I took it. It’s over the…
I went to my normal pharmacy. I walk in. The pharmacist is like, “Hey, Ame”. I’m like, “Please don’t call me a nickname”. He’s like, “What do you want, Ambien?” I’m like, “No, I’m not addicted to that. “You guys know that. I only take that when I’m drinking”. They’re like, “What do you want?” I was like, “Plan and they were like… they didn’t even hide it. They were like, “Ew, you whore”. I was like, “You can’t… you can’t say that”. They’re like, “You’re gonna feel nauseous”. I was like, “Ugh”. I took it, I felt fine. I went to yoga. I’m like, “Can these people tell “I’m, like, mid-aborsh right now? This is…” This is not good. It was easy. They should call it Plan That’s how I used it. It’s a great plan. Let’s start with this one. I… I don’t… I don’t think that’s, like, adorable that I just took Plan I’m 31. Like, that’s not cute at all. That’s cute when you’re, like… you’re, like, 21, right? You go, you sit on your mom’s bed, you cry, you’re like, “Oh, the condom broke”. I’m like, “The what broke?” “What now? What’s this you speak of?” I do, I still think I’m 20. It’s so gross. Like, every bar I go to, I show my I.D. They’re like, “No, that’s okay”. Like, “Wow, they’re really relaxed here. “I hope they don’t get raided. This place, I don’t know”.

But the girls I grew up with, they’re living normal adult lives, you know? So they call me now, and they’re like, “Ame, I’m pregnant”. And I still react like, “What are you gonna do?” “No…” I’m like, “I’ll drive you, I guess”. They’re like, “No, you’re gross,” I’m like, “Oh, we keep them now”. Keep them. That’s my favorite reality show. You know the show Teen Mom? Or if you’re from the South, Mom. They don’t wait, right? This is poor planning on my part.

I’m kind of dizzy. I donated blood today. That’s what I call getting an AIDS test. I know, that j… people, like, hate that joke if they have AIDS. So if you didn’t laugh, get tested. Check it out. Check it out. You have it. You have it.

I’m a healer. I went through a breakup this year. I was dating this guy. I walked in on him masturbating. Yeah, he’s like, “Are you mad?” I’m like, “No, but you seem to be. Holy shit”. I’m like, “Does it owe you money? “Why are you…” “Is that waterboarding? I don’t feel safe”. Me and this guy, we were so different. I knew we were… like, he was, like, really into family. You know, and I mentioned my mom. Like, he’d never come on the road with me on the weekends ’cause he wanted to spend time with his wife. And I just… I’m better. No, the truth is I thought he was gonna break up with me the whole time for the lamest reason… because I wouldn’t swallow. But I have a nut allergy. Like, what did he expect? I’m gonna risk my life… for his empty calories? No! Stop telling us it’s good for our skin. Fuck you guys. One girl was like, “Oh, okay”.

Guys are so gross, right? Guys are gross. You’re gross, okay? They’re so gross. I had sex with a guy recently, more semen than you’ve ever seen in your life. I was like, “Did you just get out of jail? What’s… what is the meaning of this?” “It’s a compliment”. “No, no”. But that’s what guys want ’cause they’re so gross. If it were up to them, we’d all look like Carrie in the prom scene at the end, just, “Ugh” No girl wants that. We don’t want that. We’re lazier than you. If it were up to me, the cleanup would be me taking a Q-tip going, boop, asleep. That’s it. Instead I was like, “I’ve been slimed”. “I feel like a contestant on Double Dare right now”. “Let me just get this self-worth off me real quick”.

That’s why I don’t like porn. Well, I like to watch porn. Like, what girls in here like porn? Thank you. I love it. All the… all the whores are in the front. This is the best. Girls in the back are, like, reading books. They’re like, “50 shades of what?” That reference will not be funny by the time this show comes out. People will be like, “What a hack. Oh, God”. More references about right now, how about Sandusky… no. Wasting everyone’s time in the editing room. So, yeah, I like porn. I like that casting director one, that’s funny. He never finds the right girl. What do these girls have to do? I don’t like to watch the end of porn. I don’t like to watch the end of any porn, ’cause guess what happens at the end of the rainbow every time. Spoiler alert, he cums on her face. Oh! What an amazing choose-your-own adventure that always ends exactly the same. There’s never a twist, right? He’s never like… the guy is having sex with her, and he looks off camera in her backpack, he’s like, “Oh, are you reading that Nicholas Sparks book too?” “Oh, my God. What are the chances? Let’s start a bed and breakfast together”. No. He just cums on her head. We don’t wanna see that. I don’t want… ’cause we think about that girl. Like, that poor girl, and we know, as soon as the director yells “cut,” that she’s just stumbling around like Helen Keller looking for a towel, just where… “Did you guys go to lunch? “This isn’t cool. You promise this is good for my skin?” That’s so funny. Am I the only person who ever walked in the audience during their special? Three little Asian chicks were just like… And that’s not racist, that’s just… I’m just saying that that’s how all Asian people walk. Just very creepy. I know I’m in San Fran. I should watch my back. But… I think I could take those girls. That was funny. I was watching them. Like, every time I referenced semen, they were just like, “Oh, no”. Yes. It’s not for shock value. This happens, right? Come on, you guys, we’ve all taken a load somewhere we’re not proud of. So… Like, my mom’s here. So the guy I was dating, he was, like, so lazy. He was one of those dudes, like, he wouldn’t go down on me. I had to become a climber every time, you know? Head up there, just holding on to the headboard like a nosy neighbor peeking over the fence. I feel like Wilson from Home Improvement. I’m like, “Hey, Tool Man, what’s…” That was embarrassing up there. That’s the worst dismount in the biz. I don’t care how you slice it. So I’m, like, single now. I’m dating. I suck at dating. I go outwith these guys. This guy wanted to go dancing the other night. Like, have you ever had a guy who’s trying to date you be like, “Let’s dance”? It’s like, “I don’t know”. I’m like, “It’s…” I’m like, “Look, I think you wanna go to the parade”. And it’s also ’cause I’m the worst dancer. I dance like your… like your aunt at a wedding. Like, every move I do, I’m surprising myself. I’m just like, “Oh, wh… what? “Whoa, whoa. Nobody saw it going this way”. Everybody saw it going that way. It’s so awful. So I’m, like, dating now. I’m, like, going on dates. Whenever I start seeing someone, I’m, like, this alternate version of myself. It’s just like… I’m just, like, you know, trying to be super-cool new girl. I’m like, “Let me just sweep this crazy under the rug “for a couple months. “You don’t need to… you don’t need to see this till month three”. I went on a date with a guy recently, and he was, like, really hot. So I was pretending to be a good person, you know? I was saying things like, “I love kids, and I’m not racist”. Just vague lies. And you have to, like, pretend like you wanna use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I’ll be like, “You’re gonna wanna wear this. I’ve had a busy month”. “It’s like a Petri dish right now. I don’t know what’s happening”. People are so upset about my vagina right now. They’re like, “No!” Here… but this guy, we went out, and he was like… you can tell when a guy dates a lot. He had, like, date questions. He was like, “if you could have lunch with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?” I thought about it. I answered honestly, I was like, “Mark Twain. I think he was hilarious”. And he goes, “Pfft, Amy, it’s got to be somebody real”. I was like, “Oh, you’re legit retarded. That’s so cute”. “I’m gonna sleep with a retarded person”. I did.

So I’ve been on the road a lot lately, and every town I go to, you have to do, like, local press, you know? The, like, Greenville Who Gives A Shit. Like, everybody has a paper. And they all ask the same questions every week. They ask me the same, exact question. They’re just like, “What’s the hardest part about being a female comedian? What is it? What’s the hardest part?” And, like, what would you guess? Well, it’s the rape. The three Asian chicks just walked back in here, and I said that, and they went… No, but it is. It’s all the rapings. No… but they ask… they’re just like… and I guess it’s a normal question, “Is it harder for female comics? Is it harder?” And it’s not. Like, they think we just get up here and just bleed all over the stage. I’m just, “Oh, my ovaries. How do I keep them in my body?” Like, it’s totally not harder. It’s harder to be a chick in general, for sure. That sucks. That’s not fun. Right? Right girls? No, it is. It sucks. Just in terms of laziness. Like, look at the guys you’re here with tonight, okay? Some of them bangable, not all of them. Let’s be real. Let’s keep it honest, okay? But, like, what did you do to get ready, you know? Like, how long did it take you to get ready? You didn’t get ready is the answer. Guys don’t do shit. They put a shirt on, give themselves one of these in the mirror, they’re out. They’re like, “I did it, bro. I fucking did it”. “What did you do?” Some guys take a little more time. I dated a guy from Philly for a while. Is anybody here from Philadelphia? Yeah? Okay, some sassy babes. No dudes, though. But tell me if I’m right about this. Well, just agree, ’cause this is for my TV special. Like, those dudes will beat you to death with a sack of batteries, but they get their eyebrows waxed. You know the kind of guy I’m talking about? I was at a Met game… thank you. And… it was Mets, Phillies, and I’m sitting behind third base. And these huge Philly meatheads are heckling David Wright. They’re like, “You suck, Wright. You’re the worst. We hate you”. And so I said, “You’re very attractive!” And the biggest one of them goes, “True”. But most guys don’t do shit. Like, look at the shirts you guys are wearing. Every one of you that I can see, you could have worn that when you were a toddler on picture day. Every one. No difference. Check it out. But look at the beautiful girls you’re with. Look at… it’s so much work for us. It takes me 90 minutes to look this mediocre. 90 minutes. Tonight it took eight hours, okay? I slept sitting up. I slept like this. It’s so much work. Oh, we’re like clowns. We are circus freaks, women, we are. We… we put paint on our faces like warriors. We’re… I’m wearing stilts. We wear stilts. We wear heels all night. And we put a string in our buttholes, just… “Ah… am I pretty?” We wear jewelry, shiny shit… “Look over here. Follow me to the altar”. Ugh. It sucks. It sucks. I think as a woman as you get older, you get lazier just by looking around. No, I just… I work in Vegas a lot. That doesn’t sound awesome. But I do stand-up in Vegas a lot, and I see these packs of young girls that still have the energy, you know? Just a pack of girls all wearing tube dresses, right? And just… the heels they can’t handle. They have to hold each other and do, like, Wizard of Oz walk, chain gang kind of… They all look identical. It looks like a whore computer just shot out a prototype, and they just started walking. “Tonight, tonight’s the night, you guys”. I like seeing them at the end of the night, you know, like it didn’t work out. They’re carrying their heels. They’re crying their makeup off. It looks like they’re melting. “Why didn’t anyone pick me?” “You have puke on your tube, Amber”.

It’s all work. It’s work having a vagina. That’s work. Guys don’t think that it’s work, but it is. You think it just shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first quinceañera, believe me. Gets an updo, it cries. It’s a lot of work. It didn’t used to be work. I know that from watching vintage porn. It was no work. Zero. I even… I remember my mom bottomless when I was a kid. And it was just… poof! It looked like the black smoke monster from Lost was just following her. It’s like, “Is Mom being swarmed by bees? “What is… “Is that a tumbleweed? We’re not even in the West”. And then something happened. I don’t know. Like, 10, 15 years ago, all the dudes got together and had, like, a meeting. Like a fantasy football draft about our privates. They were like, “We can’t get in there. “It’s like Vietnam trying to… What do we do?” And then they just came to us, and they were just like, “Ladies, would you mind looking like babies again?” And we were like… “Like, what do you mean? Just clean up the sides a little bit or…” “The whole enchilada”. And we were like, “Yeah, that’s not super weird”. So now we go, we get it done. We have to go get it done. Ugh, yeah, like, that does… she… we go and get it done, guys. Like, it doesn’t just happen. I don’t care how cool your girl is. She doesn’t have, like, alopecia of the crotch. It just falls out in the shape of your initials. That’s not what happens. That’s not how it goes down, no. We get it done. We have to go see a woman, usually from a third-world country. It’s never from, like… like, it’s never me that comes and gets you from the waiting room. Like, I’ll never be like, “Hi, I’m Ashley. I’m here to take care of your pussy”. Like, no. “Pussy!” No, it’s not… that’s not how it goes. Like, the chick who does it to me in New York, I think she’s from, like, the killing fields of Cambodia. Like, this poor woman… I can tell, like, she has seen some shit, you know? She has been through it, and she was, like, a doctor there. And now she does this, and she hates me. And she doesn’t even hide it. I walk in, she’s like, “Ugh”. I’m like, “Sorry”. But she should, she should hate me because I’m like… we’re the worst, white, entitled girls. I walk in chewing gum, I’m on my phone. I’m just like… I’m like, “Don’t get any wax on my new UGGs. What?” She’s like, “My parents were murdered in front of me”. I’m like, “I’m on the phone. What?” “It’s about True Blood. Give me one sec”. She hates me, but she wins. Like, those chicks win every time, ’cause what they do, and I always forget this, they go… she goes and gets a mirror, and she shows it to me. She shows me my own vagina. And I have to act like I’m not horrified. And I’m horrified. It’s the worst thing in the world. And what she’s saying in that moment is, “Are you happy now, you dumb bitch? You just paid me to assault you”. “And now you look like a toddler. Is that what… is that cool, yeah?” And it’s not cool. It’s the worst thing you’ll ever see in your life. It’s red. It looks angry. It looks like an old man frowning. Just, “No!” “Visit me!” “Birds!” I don’t know. Old people like birds, right? I don’t know. They’re always like, “Oh, look, a bird”. Ugh. It’s so much work. I think guys have it easier. I’m not sure. What do you guys think? Yeah, you do? Did you ever see an uncircumcised penis? You did? Did you know… did you know you were gonna see it? No, it’s always a fucking surprise party, right? It’s a big… it’s him, right? It’s him. Wait. Here’s the funniest thing. I’m sorry that everyone knows about your penis now. But here’s the best part, he’s wearing a shirt that says “Browncoats”. Now, if that’s not funny… And that’s what it looks like. It looks like your penis is wearing a little brown coat… if you’ve seen one. You just… nobody ever tells you, right? He didn’t tell you. They don’t tell you shit. They’re just like, boom, reunited with Snuffleupagus, enjoy. Enjoy. You guys are so cute. Why don’t they tell us? Tell… tell me. We have to become award-winning actresses. Like, “Oh, no. That’s totally cool. “Mom, can you come pick me up? “I don’t know. It’s wearing, like, a hat or, like, a cape. Like, a brown coat type thing”. Why don’t they tell us? I would tell you if I had an extra flap over my clitoris. I’d give you a heads-up. I would. I’d be like, “You’re gonna encounter a wizard. “Keep going. “Go. Take this compass”. I’d make it exciting, play the music from Zelda. It’d be great. Men don’t care. They don’t tell you.

I hooked up with a guy one time that had no testicles. Count them, zero “testicalo”. You think he brought that up at dinner? ‘Cause he didn’t. I got to find out in real time. It was dark in the room. Let me paint the romantic picture here. And I went right to the spot I know them to always be, no GPS necessary. I picked up the main event and noth… I felt like a girl learning Braille. I just kept… And, like, we don’t… like, girls don’t care about your balls. Like, no one care… like, I would never call my sister the morning after and be like, “Hey, okay. So, like, the sex was lame, “but this guy’s balls…” No. But when they’re not there, you miss ’em. They’re like grandparents. Thank you. I like that that’s the one that was too much for you guys. You’re like, “Rape, AIDS, whatevs. Grandparents? Whoa!”

So, yeah, the way I saw an uncircumcised penis… I had met this guy at a bar. He was French. So I should have known, but I didn’t know he was actually French. I thought we were both just, like, wasted and faking the accent, you know? I was like, “Rosetta Stone!” ‘Cause I do, I can only drink beer and wine now ’cause I, like, my parents are… anybody have alcoholic parents? Anybody in here? Oh, no, everybody was raised awesomely? Like, my dad used to apologize to me for missing volleyball games that he was at. So, anyway, I meet this French guy and… ’cause I don’t think that’s a cute accent on dudes, right? The French accent. It just… it makes my vagina shut like a steel trap, Just pshh! I mean, thank God for that other hole, but… My butthole. Oh, you knew. Okay, you knew. So I went home with this French guy, ’cause he said something adorable like, “I have an apartment”. I was like, “Oh”. So we go… I go home with him, and we’re, like, making out. He was very sensual. He’s one of those dudes, like, he started to pick me up, and then he realized he was in over his head, and I got planted back down. It’s hard to feel sexy when a dudes winded from trying to hoist you. His, like, legs are shaking. He’s, like, wiping sweat. I’m like, “Can you just put me…” I tried to land cute like a gymnast. I was like… No, but I do… but I know I have a body type. Like, I know, like, I’m not a twig. Like, if a cheerleading pyramids being made, I know I’m a base. Like, I get right down… I’m not like, “Hoist me up on top “like a star tonight, you guys. I wanna fly”. Like, I know where I am. I know my body type the way guys hit on me at bars, like, when it happens. And it’s usually my idea. I’m usually like, “Hey”. And they’re like, “No, thanks”. And I’m like, “Hey!” And they’re like, “Oh”. But when I do get hit on… Like, this guy just came up to me, and he was from, like, Texas or somewhere I’m not going. And… and he comes over, and he’s like, “Hey, I like you. You’re sturdy”. I’m like, “I’m sorry?” He’s like, “You look like you could take a punch”. I’m like, “Oh”. Oh, don’t I feel like the belle of the ball. So I’m making out with Frenchinator, and… he did… he put… he, like, gave up right away, ’cause he’s French, I guess. And… Oh, my God. Thank you. So we’re making out, and… he… he pulled his dick out immediately. He must have been thinking like, “She’s the one”. And I’m looking at it. I’m just like, “What… what is that?” “Are we having, like, a pillow fight? “What’s… Why is the gnome from Travelocity in your underpants?” But, like, you can’t… guys are sensitive too. I couldn’t do what I was, like, thinking, like… “Aah!” Like, run down the five stories of his walk-up. I had to be, like, a team player and be like, “All right, here we go”. Just, like, fighting through the skin trying to find his actual pe… I felt like a magician with the scarves, I’m just… Waiting for a dove to hit me in the face. It sucks getting older as a chick. In your 20s, you’re just like, “Life is awesome. Everybody wants to fuck me, you guys!” Then you turn 30, and you’re like, “You guys?” It’s like a bus that never comes. But as I’m getting older, what I’m doing now is I’m just making sure I’m the best-looking one of my friends. It’s really easy. I cut certain people out of my life. And I now hand-select strangers off of Facebook and surround myself with real trolls and reptiles. You should see these monsters. I had a friend, Nikki, she kept losing weight. I took her out of my phone. Fuck her, I’m sorry. But there’s one chick I’ve been friends with forever. Her name is Sabina. Like, she’s gorgeous, and of course she is, with the name Sabina. Like, what a white, annoying name, right? You have to be so hot to pull off names like that, like Sabina, Priscilla. You can’t have, like, a bum knee and a lazy eye and be like, “I’m Sabina”. It’s like, “Nice try. “We’re gonna call you Bertha, bitch. “But that was cute. That was cute”. Guys go crazy over her. I never get hit on like that. The only time I get hit on is last call at the bar. Right? That’s when I shine, I’m telling you. What a weird time of night, right? The lights go on. It just feels real rape-y all of a sudden. Post-apocalyptic. Something happens to the men. They’re just like, “I need a woman”. Like, they all just start pacing like gorillas. Their eyes widen. It looks like they can only see by heat. They’re like, “What?” Like Predator. I see some dude in a full blackout just walking at me, like a zombie just pointing at his own dick. Like, “Here”. I’m like, “I’ll get us a cab”. I know I make it sound like I’m so slutty up here, but I’m… I’ve only been with four people, and that was a weird night. That’s my business. Oh, it doesn’t matter what you do, ladies. Every guy is gonna leave you for an Asian woman, and you know that. That’s right, I’m saying it in San Francisco, in the hotbed. In the hotbed. I get it. I can’t compete with an Asian chick. I can’t. They’re better. I’ve been thinking about this. I did the math. I know that’s their thing, but I did it. I’ve been thinking about it. I can’t win. How can I compete with an Asian chick? They’re smarter. They have naturally silky hair. This Jew denial took me, like, 40 minutes. They laugh like this ’cause they know men hate when women speak. They’re better. They’re just better. And how do they bring it on home for the win? Oh, the smallest vaginae in the game. I can’t compete with that. What do I have? What am I… I’ve got a B.A. in Theater and HPV. No one’s buying my stock. I am plummeting. I’m going to black guys. That’s what I’m trying to do. That’s what I’m doing, yeah. I’ve… I can’t believe I’ve never done it. I’m built for it. It seems weird I haven’t. Gotta go for the black guy. Have you ever… black guy? Yeah. She’s like, “Yeah”. She’s like, “Yes, look at my shirt. You know I fuck black guys”. How cute are you? You’re so cute. You’re hot. I’m not gay. I’ve caught a finger, but you get what I’m saying. Black guys are the future. Some chicks are scared. You know what they say, “Once you go black, your parents don’t talk to you anymore”. Something like that. I don’t know. I don’t know. Something, like, to that effect. But black guys… No, I want to do it. I almost did it last weekend. I was… like, after the show, I was standing out, and… and I was trying to sell my CDs, and people were like, “No, thanks”. And not even of my stand-up. Just, like, some shit I needed to get rid of, you know, like, the Forrest Gump soundtrack, just some Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott. I’m like, “I don’t need this”. But, no, this dude comes up to me, this black guy, and he was into it, ’cause, come on. And… he walks over, and he’s like, “I’m Derek”. And I was like, “Derek?” He’s like, “Derek”. And he had on, like, a nice shirt, and he had, like, a job. And I was like, “No, I want a brotha”. If I’m gonna do it, I wanna really do it, you know? Not Derek. I want him to, like, not even have a name, just like nicknames. Everyone’s like, “Pookie!” He’s like, “What’s up?” No job. We need, like, a ton of lube, but just, like, for his elbows. You know what I’m talking about? Oh, that was insanely racist? You’re right. You’re right. I love joking about race. It’s, like, my favorite. I was talking about this the other day. I was hanging outwith literally all my black friend. And… And… and I remember I was like, “Tamambe,” or whatever. Tapestry… it’s something wild, you know? It’s something crazy. I mean, that’s why they need Google in the delivery room, I think, right? It’s everywhere else. Why not there, right? So when her mom was like, I’m gonna name you “Tamambo”. Google would show up and say, “Did you mean Jennifer?” And her mom would be like, “Yes, Google, I did mean Jennifer. Thank you”. No, Tamambe. So I’m hanging out with Tapioca and… Tempura or something, and what was she saying? She… she was like, “Girl”. Like, I won’t do some racist impression, so don’t worry. But she was like, “Girl!” I mean, we were, like, mid-double Dutch, and… And I’m just like, “Stop yelling. We’re not at the movies”. Thank you. Thank you. I’m glad you guys laughed at that. That does not always work, I’ll be honest with you. I mean, nothing works 100% of the time, right? Except Mexicans. I’ve noticed… That’s the one? Boo! Right? Boo, Mexicans. I hear ya. You guys are preaching to the choir. So, ass play, you guys, what do you guys think? For or against? Every night? Okay. I’ve dealt with two kinds of guys when it comes to my personal asshole. There’s the kind of guy that never acknowledges it, right? Like, the whole time you’re together just never… which is awesome because who needs the extra maintenance? Can I get what-what, ladies? What-what! Thanks, sister friends. That guy’s awesome, right? You know what you’re getting with that guy. And then there’s the other kind of guy who goes for it immediately. Like, you’re not even fully kissing yet, and he’s trying to grab you like a bowling ball. You’re like, “No!” He’s like, “You said you like Jeff Dunham”. You’re like, “No!” You can’t trust those guys, all right? So I was dating the first kind of guy, no ass play. Like, the sex was very vanilla. There was no funny business, no dirty talk. If I sent him a naughty photo, he would just write back, “Thanks,” like I sent him a fax he needed. Like I had forwarded him an e-vite. So we were together for, like, years, and one night, out of nowhere, we’re at dinner, and he’s like, “I’d like to talk about something. I’d like to talk about ass play”. And I’m like, “Is that a Broadway show? “That show sounds awesome. Let’s go see that show”. And he’s like, “No, ass play”. And as I’m asking him questions, I realize he hasn’t thought it through at all. ‘Cause I was just like, “Do you mean on you or me?” And he was like, “Oh”. I was like, “Oh, Jesus, no”. This is not a brainstorm sesh here. Your PowerPoint, buddy. So that night, I was like, “I’m gonna call him on his bluff”. I don’t usually joke around in the bedroom, but I was like, “Fuck this guy”. So… I’m like, “This J.V. player is gonna get it from me,” so… So we’re, like, making out, and I’m just like, “Psst, where is all the ass play?” And like a frightened child, he goes, “Tonight?” And I’m like, “Uh-huh”. And he can’t think… he goes, “Well, did you shower?” I said, “I’m not gonna answer that, ’cause I’m not a homeless woman”. Just some schizophrenic with a cart like, “Wash me!” So he can’t think of any other way to stall, so this is what he does, okay? This is my asshole. This is his finger. He goes like this. And he holds it there, like he was checking it for a pulse. Like he thought a groundhog might pop out, and he’d have to Whac-A-Mole it. And then I fist him like you wouldn’t believe. He’s dead. Oh, God, you guys are awesome. I… seriously, sometimes that goes so awkward, and during a set, I just want to, like, tap out. I’ve had this image. Not like a wrestling tap-out, but just sort of soft-shoe out of the room in an awkward situation. Like, why can’t we do that? I was working at this club, and… I walked in the first night. And I realized at this club, there was a bathroom attendant. Have you ever been like, “Oh, dope, a bathroom attendant works here”. No, you’re like, “Ah, it’s awkward”. They hate you. You hate… you’re just like, “Oh, please”. Like, you know, it’s unnecessary. Are you ever peeing like, “How am I gonna leave here without a Starburst?” “I don’t like going without somebody listening”. No. I go in the bathroom the first night, and the bathroom attendant stops me at the door. And she’s like, “They’re all full right now, so you’re gonna have to wait a minute”. And I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, I know how bathrooms work”. Like, if she hadn’t said that, I was just gonna go rogue and start pounding on all the stalls, up and down with a shiv. “No!” Peeing in the sink. “I do what I want, bathroom attendant!” I come out. She hands me a paper towel. “Thank you. “If you hadn’t saved me, I would have just bled “and dripped like stigmata. Thank you”. So unnecessary. So, the last night I’m at this club, I go in the bathroom. She’s, like, facing the wall. So I’m like, “Oh, good”. I go right in the stall. And I’m not gonna say anything gross. But I’m in there just dropping a ton of heat, Just… massacring this bowl. Just… I’m texting people, like, “Am I dying?” It’s like, “Your sister’s a nurse”. Things like that. To a lot of my family, I just wrote, “Good-bye”. Like, whatever you’re picturing, like, triple it. I’m sorry. None of that happened. You guys, none of that happened. You two, you two, none of that happened. Hey, did you know there’s a show? Come on, you’re pretty. Just stop talking. No, I appreciate you supporting live comedy. No, none of that happened. I didn’t really… you guys… oh, my God, you guys, then just… what’s go… what are you guys talking about? What’s happening? Oh, you love me? It’s… It’s their anniversary. Oh, my God, do you remember that I don’t care? No, I’m just kidding. No, that’s exciting. How many years? I’m just kidding. I don’t care. I don’t care. No, I don’t care. No, do you guys care? No? Okay, sorry. Sorry, nobody cares. Nobody cares. No, but seriously, thank you guys so much for coming. Nobody cares. What’s your name? Erin. That was a test. Nobody cares, Erin. You guys are so cute. I’m sorry. Thank you for spending your anniversary with me. Mom, thank you. I’m sorry you have to sit next to your daughter when I’m talking about semen the whole time. Where do you stand on ass play, Mom? You’re good? Okay, you don’t want her to know, but you can’t get enough? Okay. You guys won’t forget this anniversary. What am I… what am I talking about? Like, what was I talking about before I just talked to you guys? Does anybody remember? Shitting. I love you guys. I fucking love this crowd. The sweetest voice too. “Shitting”. Oh, God, I wish that happened. Like, I wish I was able to… to do that. But I did, I just… she was facing the wall, and I’m like… I hear that she’s crying, so I’m like, “Excuse me. I’m about to wash my hands, so you… “you better get fucking ready.” No, she’s crying. No, I was like, “Well, what’s wrong? “Like, is it your choices? Like, what’s…” No, I asked her what was wrong, and she was like… she told me, she was like, “My dog died”. So I was like, “I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. “I’m gonna go get us some shots. “We’re gonna get weird in here tonight, okay? You and me”. And she goes, “it just really doesn’t feel like six years ago”. What do you say? I just looked right at her and just… What do you do? I found the owner, I was like, “She’s doing a ton of blow in there. You should get rid of her”. I… I’ve been really enjoying being on the road ever since the roast, because I’ve been on the road, like, for years, but… but people had no idea who I was, so they would see a picture of me, and they’d be like, “Oh, she looks sweet. “She kind of looks, like, Amish, you know? “Like… kind of Cabbage Patchy up top, right? “We should bring the family. I bet she talks about, like, shopping”. And then they get here, and I’m like, “My pussy…” but it’s way better now, ’cause, like, a lot of people saw that roast, and they just are like, “Oh, she’s, like, a bad person”. So that means you guys are dirtbags too, and I appreciate you coming out. You are bad people. Thank you, bad people. But I’ve been really lucky. Like, my whole life, I found friends just like me. Like, at a young age, I found girls that were just like me. Like, we were all whores. You know? Just little drunks running around. But in every group of girlfriends, there’s always, like, one that’s the sluttiest, you know? If you don’t have that friend, you’re that friend. Let’s be real. And it wasn’t me in my group of friends. Shocker was my nickname. But, no, in my group of friends… in my… the sluttiest of us was this girl Katie. And… we didn’t judge her for that. But she… she wouldn’t own it. Like as soon as she would have a boyfriend, she’d start acting like Mother Teresa, you know? She’d, like, walk different. She talked differently. Like, I remember one time she walked over with her new boyfriend, she was like, “Adam and I are thrilled you could join us for brunch”. I was like, “I’ve helped you get cum out of your hair”. “Remember, we tried using peanut butter ’cause we’re stupid, remember?” We didn’t talk about that at brunch with Adam. So she moved to Connecticut and, like, was getting married, and she had a wedding shower there. And I was the only friend from home that could go. So I met all of her new, fancy Connecticut friends. And, like, you know women like this. Like, these girls, they were all, like, very Stepford wife, you know? They all, like, wore, like, pastel cashmere cardigans and pearls and Burberry, like, tampons. And they all spoke like this, like almost in a whisper. Like, they all were… everybody just walked around whispering to each other. Like, “Oh, I guess we were just born “with different vocal cords ’cause I was raised better. Do you ski?” So I’m at this party, and I’m, like, mainlining chardonnay, trying to remember fun. Just like, “Why?” So one of the girls was like, “Let’s play a game”. And I’m like, “Suicide pact? I’ll go first. This party’s the worst”. And she goes, “No, let’s all go around and admit something”. And I’m like, “Oh, no”. So these girls are going around. They are… the shit they’re admitting is so boring. I can’t… like, one girl was like, “Once, I forgot to let the dog out all day!” And they were all like, “No!” I’m like, “Is this happening right now?” So the girl that goes right before me, Bridget, the worst human I’ve ever met. I hope she sees this. That’s how bad of a person she is. Like, Bridget, I hope you’re watching this. But she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t be up this late. She spoke the softest. You had to, like, lean in and squint and read her lips, ’cause she just… Bridget talked like an angel was sleeping on her tongue. # No one wake the angel # On my tongue That’s not a real song, Comedy Central. So, anyway, she’s like, “All right, you guys, it’s my turn. Bring it in”. And we’re like, “We’re in ’cause we have to be, ’cause you talk like Fievel”. Use your diaphragm, Bridge. So she’s like, “I’ll admit this. “Sometimes after Richard falls asleep, I get up and eat ice cream”. I just wanted to find one other pair of eyes being like, “What a dumb cunt, right?” But nothing. No one. They’re all looking at her like, “Bridget! You should be asleep”. “Bridget, it’s night. Carbs? Come on”. So then it’s my turn, and… I don’t look at my friend Katie. I just feel her just glaring at me, just like, “Don’t be yourself right now, bitch! This is my new life”. And so I’m like, “Okay… first of all, Bridget, thank you for being so brave”. “I’ll admit this. “It’s kind of like your ice cream thing. “One time I let a cab driver finger me”. And Katie’s like, “That’s not how you play, Amy”. I’m like, “Really? ‘Cause I feel like I won. I feel…” You guys, you were an amazing crowd. Thank you so much. I feel like this is what I would feel like, like, if I ever kept a baby. You know, like, this kind of joy. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Fuck, thank you. Oh! I want to jerk you all off, even the girls. Even the girls. Guys, thank you. I really, really appreciate it. I know you guys are thinking like, “What are you doing back out here?” And some of you were just thinking like, “You’re so pretty”. Thank all of you. But I wanted to come out and just sort of, like, give you an opportunity if anybody wants to ask a question, like, now it’s the time. It doesn’t have to be about my set. Yeah? What’s your name? And what… what actor are you? I’m Cubed. What? My name’s Cubed. Cubed? Does anybody different have a question? With a name that makes sense? No, I’m just kidding. What… what happened? Where… where are your parents from? What are you doing later? What am I doing later? Ooh, Cubed. Do you have HPV? Do you want it? I haven’t drank in two months, getting ready for this. So I’m gonna, like, black out. If anybody wants to get down with me, like, sexually, tonight is not the night. But, yes, I’m gonna tie one on. Anybody… yes, you, sir. What’s your name? – Rick. – Hi, Rick. I want to give you a standing I think we all should give you a standing ovation. This guy’s sad ’cause he’s wasted. You don’t have to… thank you. This is good for the camera. Wow. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you. That was… that was nice. A lot of people weren’t into it. Like, a lot of people got up and were just kind of, like… “Our reservations were, like, ten minutes ago. When’s this bitch gonna wrap it up?” Yes, you, gorgeous. Hi. Can I buy you a drink, possibly have a cocktail with you at some point? Ooh, this is awesome. You can definitely buy me a drink. I don’t… I’m not gay. I mean, I’ve caught a finger. I’m not boring. Trust me. But, yeah, I could totally see that happening. I don’t think that would be weird at all. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem too psyched, but he’s all fired up about Pride. Oh, yes, you. Hi. So… who is your comedy mentor? My comedy mentor. That’s a good question. I hang out with mostly 45-year-old dudes. Thank you. They’re all comedians. They’re alcoholics. Like, they don’t drink anymore ’cause they can’t, you know? And it makes sense, because, like, they look at me, and they’re just like, “Oh, my God”. Like, they think I’m so hot just ’cause I’m not their wives. I walk in, they’re like… # Who’s that girl? # I’m like, “What?” But out, like, you know, in the streets, people are just throwing lit cigarettes at me. They’re like, “Ugh, pass”. So, like, Dave Attell and Jim Norton. Right? And so… yeah, you gotta love those guys. Yeah… yes. – Of women… – Women. – Comics, who is your mentor? – Okay. Okay, well, Jessica Kirson was my mentor. Like, she’s in New York, and she’s amazing. And then… sort of where she left off, I just like… my mentor, like, those guys took me on the road to open for them a lot, so that’s why. But I grew up loving Gilda and Goldie Hawn, and I love Margaret Cho, and Sarah… Palin. I’m just kidding. You, sir. What’s your feeling on anal bleaching? Anal bleaching. I’m glad somebody brought this up. That’s a great question. Okay, so here’s how I feel about it. When I heard about it, I was just like, “Ew, everybody, chill out”. But then I looked at my own asshole, and I was like, “Whoa! “That looks like something out of the universe. Maybe we should hook that up”. But I still haven’t done anything. But I keep a low pro, butt-wise. You… I’m doing God’s work. I mean, am I healing people? Yes? What’s your favorite city? My favorite city? New York City… Yeah… Sorry, one girl’s like, “Boo”. I like Madison, Wisconsin. Nice. And I think Cleveland’s the worst. Yes, you, sir? Why is your sister here? Why is my sister here? You know what? I have no idea. I didn’t fly her in. She showed up. She shows up wherever I am. My sister is here because… she’s my best friend in the whole world, and I love her and trust her more than anyone. And I dedicate this show to her. And I want to thank my mom, who’s not a cunt at all. My mom… please clap for my mom. She’s not a cunt. But her bush was huge when I was growing up. That was true. Okay, yeah? Do you have to pee as bad as I do? Oh, okay, she has to pee, and she’s really pretty. So everyone’s, like, given her whatever she wants her whole life. I don’t have to pee at all. It’s pretty sweet. I feel, like, physically, real comfortable up here. I could hang out. If you don’t mind, I’m gonna do my 90-minute one-woman show now. Thank you. Thank you, Comedy Central, and thank you guys. Thank you. Oh, God, Dad died. When? I guess, like, today. Are you gonna talk about it onstage? Yeah. Yeah? You should open with it.


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