Demetri Martin: Demetri Deconstructed (2024) | Transcript

From his thoughts on aggressively scented trash bags to desk jobs in hell, Demetri Martin returns with a new stand-up special.

[typing on keyboard]

[woman] Standby for systems check.


[typing] Interfaces loading.

[man 1] Cerebral cortex.

[woman] Optimal.

[man 1] Check.

[woman] Auditory channel is linked.

[man 1] Sub-vocalization.

[man 2] Sub-vocalization strong.

[man 1] Okay, Mr. Martin. Are you ready?

[Demetri] Yeah, I think so.

I feel funny, so yeah, I think I’m ready.

[man 1] Good. And I’m, not… There’s no chance of, like, electrocution or, uh, brain damage or anything? [man 1] Oh! [chuckles] No. No, not anymore. [chuckles]

Just try to focus your mind, please.

[Demetri] Okay.

[man 2] System fully booted.

[man 1] How far are we?

[woman] Seven seconds.

[man 1] How’s the visual cortex?

[woman] We did not get color.

[beeping] [man 1] Okay. It’s all right. Let’s initiate.

[man 2] Mr. Martin, when you’re ready.


Okay. [inhales deeply]

[beeping] [exhales slowly]

[Demetri] Comedy.

[beeping continues]

Get into a comedy state of mind.

[soft jazz music playing]

[Demetri] Picture a theater. Doesn’t have to be a big one. You’re in the theater. Not in the seats. You’re onstage. Okay, the stage is set. Pretty standard. You’ve got curtain, lights. You have all the things you need to do a comedy show.

[jazz music continues]

Looks clean. All right, and… you come out. Not like that. No. Oh, ju… Ah… You come out. That’s worse. You don’t… You don’t enter. You’re already onstage. No, you’re not just standing there like that, waiting. You’re onstage, but it’s a black screen. They can’t see you yet. – Yes, the show’s already started.

[cheering and applause]

[Demetri] Thank you. Thank you, guys. And then we come in… I appreciate that. Thank you. Uh, you know, I have to say, I feel like I have the best fans. Um, very grateful for the fans I’ve had over the years who’ve stuck with me and seen the shows I’ve done and everything. And one thing I’ll say is I think what’s so cool about my fans is they’re very… very subtle, very cool…

[light laughter] …very respectful. Like, you know, I’ll be out, like, at a farmers’ market, you know, and, um, no one will… [laughter] …come up to me, or… or… or bother me, or even look at me, you know what I mean? It’s just, like… And I’ll even go up to people and talk to them and engage them, and they’ll be like, “Yeah, who are you?” And I’m like… “Thank you,” you know? “I appreciate that.” And they’re like, “Sure. Whatever.” So, you know, very cool. I have noticed that if you’re a fan of somebody, you can say you’re a fan, a big fan, a huge fan, their biggest fan. I feel like you can go regular size and up for fan size. That’s fine, but if you go smaller than regular size, it gets weird really fast, you know? If I see a musician in the airport that I like, I’m like, “Sorry to bother you. I am a tiny fan of your music.” [laughter] “What’s that?” “Yeah, I like the chorus in one of your songs, but the rest of it’s not really for me. You know, keep trying.” “Anyway, I’m your smallest fan. Thank you. Tiny fan.”


[chuckles] Some fans are kinda weird. I’ve definitely had, um, aggression from certain fans. Like, um, I got an email from a woman. She said…

I was like…

[laughter] “Threaten me into coming to Seattle? That’s kinda weird.” If you wanna bump up a threat, you just turn it into a promise. For some reason, that will escalate the threat. You know, “I’m gonna kick your ass.” “Oh, is that a threat?” “No, that’s a promise.” “Whoa, shit. A promise? Uh-oh.” “This guy’s reliable. That’s scary.” [chuckles] It doesn’t work the other way. You can’t downgrade a promise by turning it into a threat. “I’m gonna take out the garbage.” “Is that a promise?”

“No, that’s a threat, sweetie.”

[laughter] “You better watch your ass. I might clean the kitchen too.” I make a lotta threats in my house. [chuckles] With broccoli, I wonder if God was thinking something like, “How far are they willing to go in order to eat healthy?” “What do you mean?” “I’m saying, do you think they would eat a fart?” “A fart?” “Yes, I’m gonna do this vegetable that will release farts.” “When they heat it up, it will smell like farts.” “The house will smell like someone went from room to room just unloading the freshest farts they could, you know?” “And I’m gonna make it look like a fart.” “If you hold a piece from the side, it’ll look like, um… a fart captured in space and time.” “Like a 3D… The floret would be the cloud of the fart and the stem would be the shaft.” “It’ll be green, and you’re like, ‘Oh yeah, that’s good.'” “And I’ll do a variation for sort of a high-pitched fart that’s kinda long, you know, like broccolini.” “It’ll be like, ‘Brr… Pfft!” “Very nice, yeah.” Horses have mullets. I just realized that recently. I didn’t know horses… Those are mullets. It’s a very long mullet on the horse, you know? Makes a lot of sense. Horses, you know, they’re country folk really. Not the most educated animal, I’d say, the horse. It’s kinda… Plus, with those teeth, I do think it goes together, the hair and the teeth. People have told me to hold my horses so many times in my life. And not once have they later had the courtesy to say, “Hey, by the way, you can release your horses. It’s cool.” I’m holding hundreds of horses through my life, you know? Please, let me release… I think that concludes the horse portion of my show for tonight. So yeah.

[audience cheering, whooping]

[applauding, whistling]

[Demetri] Thank you. I wonder if leopards look trashy to other animals. “Wow, okay. You gonna wear that?” “Okay…” “Head to toe, that’s…” “Pretty bold there.” “That’s a classy cat, the leopard, for sure.” My friends, uh, they told me they were gonna adopt a dog. I’m happy for them. I was like, “That’s great, you guys, and I think adoption is your best strategy.” “I think that’s a good way to do it. “I think anything else gets strange, yeah.” “We’re gonna get a surrogate.” “No, no, no. Just… You should adopt.” Whether you’re dog person or a cat person, I think we can all agree that your house smells. And you don’t realize it. That’s… That’s the smell of love, I think.

[woman] Meow.


[Demetri] Okay. Her house definitely smells. Anyway, stay focused. Sometimes when I go to a store and I go to pay, I have all my stuff out, and then the cashier in, like, a very condescending tone will just look at my stuff and go, “Is that it?” Like they’re not impressed with what I picked, you know? That’s why now, I usually just save something in my back pocket. Then they say, “Is that it?” And I go, “No, actually, that’s not it.” “Gum!” “That’s it, baby.” “I’m sorry, wait a minute. That’s not it. What’s this?” “Triple A batteries.” “That hurt my ankle, but I think that might’ve been… worth it.” “I’m sorry, hold on for a second.” And I just keep pulling stuff out. Just, like, five minutes later, there’s just a pile of “it.” Cashier’s like, “Hey, I’m at register four, and, um… there’s an idiot up here, and I’m not sure what to do.” “It’s never it for this guy. I’ve never seen anything like this.” I’d finish paying, then leave the store. Fifteen minutes later, I’d call back. “Can I talk to the cashier at register four, please? Thank you.” “Hey, it’s me.” “Can you do me a favor and check your back left pocket?” “That’s it.” I like to shoplift, but I don’t leave the store with the stuff. You still get the high, but you don’t get in trouble.

[jazz bassline playing]

Just take shit, put it in my pockets. Just look at ’em, make eye contact. Keep taking shit. Just sneak around. Just look at ’em right in the eye as you put stuff in your pockets. Then I put everything back where I got it from. Then I’m like… “You got nothing, man. That’s shopshifting. I can do that.” “I’m just moving stuff around the store in a sneaky way.” “I’m a shopshifter.” I like to get a gift receipt sometimes for something stupid. I’ll be buying toothpaste and be like, “I’m sorry. Oh!” “Could I get a gift receipt for that toothpaste? That’d be fantastic.” I love shopping for toothpaste. Toothpaste is one of the funniest things to buy. You go in the toothpaste aisle, and you enter some sort of adjectives arms race. There’s sensitive formula, there’s gum health, there’s whitening, there’s tartar control. It’s like, at this point, if I had a toothpaste company, I would just put any adjectives on there. What’s the difference? You know? Be like, “Crest, atheist formula.” “What does this do?” [chuckles] “Extra strength? Shit!” What? “Gonna gentrify my mouth?” “Kinda weird.”

[soft jazz music playing]

[music fades] I still like paying with cash for stuff. It’s… It’s liberating. “Here’s the money.” Sometimes I have a hundred-dollar bill. That’s kind of exciting. Except for when I pay with a hundred, now I’m under investigation. I give ’em the hundred, and they’re just like… Take out this marker like they’re gonna catch a counterfeiter. Yeah, that’s what I’m counterfeiting. When they do that, I just go, “Never mind! Thanks!” “You want a counterfeiter. There, you’ve got one. Okay?” Counterfeiting’s kinda fascinating because that’s a crime that seems to require talent to even count as a crime. Don’t you have to be good enough at counterfeiting to get arrested for it? I mean, what’s the shittiest job at counterfeiting I can do, and I go to jail? If I take a piece of paper and I just write $100 on it, go to the store, pick out a bunch of stuff. Then I go to pay. They ring me up. I’m like, “Here you go.” I mean, do they have to go, “Okay…” Like, do the whole thing? You know what I mean? Maybe there’s a manual for when they’re in that situation. They have to look, the cashiers. “Okay, just ask this question.” “Okay, sir, I just have to ask you this one question legally before I ring you up.” “Um, do you think that I think that this is a hundred-dollar bill?” “Ah, yeah. Good question.” “Do you think that I think that you think it’s a hundred-dollar bill? I’m just curious. Before I say my thing.” “Um…” “Uh, hold on.” Then I go back over here, and I say, “You know what? Never mind.” “I’ll pay another way.” Just give me back my hundred. Um…” “I’m gonna pay with Bitcoin.” “Oh…” “Here you go.” “Uh, this is just a coin with the word ‘bit’ written on it.” “Yeah, I’m doing a bit. I’m a comedian, so it’s…” “Kinda doing a bit, you know?” “So it’s like a play on words. Kind of a little prop joke for you.” “You’re a comedian?” “Yeah, I do standup. I’m a standup comic.” “Cool. Do you, like, tell stories, or…?” “No, it’s mostly kinda short jokes, but then I’ll have little bits.” “Sometimes a scene or something.” “Oh. Is this one of your jokes?” “Actually, it is, yeah. This is a joke I’m gonna do. “Oh, really? Am I in your joke?” “You are, yeah. We’re the two people in the joke.” “I’m playing me, and you’re the cashier.” “Oh, you do, like, a funny voice every time I talk?” “No, that’s not really my style. I don’t, um… change my voice. I just change which way my head is looking.” “And that indicates who’s talking.” “So, this is me.” “And this is me.” “Exactly, so they’re… It sounded the same, but, you see, we’re different people.” “I think I understand based on where you’re looking.”

“You got it.”

[applause] “So you don’t have an ending for this joke?”


[audience cheering]


[applause, whooping]

[soft jazz music playing]

[Demetri] I should do something different. I could have a guest. I don’t usually do this, but I wanna share the stage with someone. I have a guest for tonight’s show, so I’m really excited. I’m gonna bring the guest on right now. Here we go. All right, great. So I’d love to see… All right. There you are. [chuckling, whooping] So can you check your mic and just see if they can hear you? [demonic mic effect] Sure. Uh, check, check. Evil, evil. Shit, shit. Check. You wanna introduce yourself to the crowd? Sure. Um, I’m a demon from the underworld. So you’re, like, a devil from hell? No, there’s only one devil. The devil. I’m a demon. I work for the devil. You understand? Yeah, I’m sorry. Well, thank you for being here. Fuck you! [as self] Okay. So, uh, so you work in hell? That’s what you’re saying? You actually work there? Yeah, that’s right. I work in hell. What kinda job are you doing? It’s an entry-level position. I just started, so doing a desk job. Oh, what kind? Clerical work. Mostly doing clerical stuff. I see, and how is that? It fuckin’ sucks! It’s hell. What do you think? [as self] Right, of course. I’m sorry. So what department are you working in? I work in processing, so I help process people who just got to hell. New… New arrivals. Ah, I see. Are you busy? What’s the work like there? Oh, we’re so fucking busy. It’s unbelievable. The last few years have been incredible for us. Did you guys do social media? Oh yeah, that was us. Ahh. That makes sense because I’m not good at social media and stuff, you know, but when I use it, I always feel sort of worse afterwards, you know? Yeah, totally. That’s the idea. It’s just to make you a shittier version of yourself, and to share that with everyone. Well, yeah, that’s cool. It works, for sure. So is the idea that you… you’re… you’re trying to, uh, sorta… advance in… in your job? Will you… Will you move up if you do well? Uh, move down. It’s the opposite direction ’cause it’s hell, so you go deeper into hell. I see. So you don’t get promoted. No, you get demoted. You got it. [as self] Okay, cool. Right now I have a dessert fork. You have a dessert fork? Yeah, you start with a dessert fork, then you get a salad fork, then a dinner fork, then a serving fork, and then eventually you get a pitchfork, if you get demoted far enough.

[as self] I see.

But the dessert fork is good. You can stab people in the ass with it, gouge their eye out, you know, stuff like that. [as self] Oh. So what kinda… What kinda souls are you seeing? What kinda people? Uh, people who clip their nails on public transit. You go to hell for that.


It’s fuckin’ disgusting. You don’t clip your nails on a bus. Everybody knows that. [as self] Right, of course. Who else is going to hell? Uh, people who park diagonally and take up two parking spaces for their precious car. You go to hell for that, so… [as self, chuckling] I see. If you drive a black BMW, that pretty much does it on its own. Wow. Jesus. People who say “adulting.” [as self] Wow. Yeah. Adult is not a verb. Welcome to hell, shithead! People who say, “I don’t make the rules.” Uh-huh. I’m with you. People who get a vest for their dog just so they can bring it on the plane and call it a service animal when we all know it isn’t. You and your dog can go to hell, asshole. [chuckling] Wow. Um, how exactly do you get demoted, then? How do you move down in hell? Is it a seniority thing? You have to come up with your own project, your own original shitty idea to make the world a worse place. And then if you do that, you get demoted. I see. So it’s almost like a PhD? Yeah, it’s like a PhD. You gotta defend your thing and everything. So do you have an area, a project or anything you’re working on? I don’t know. I’m trying to come up with one. Uh, I was thinking of working with the airlines, doing something there, but it’s really pecked over. Pretty much every idea’s been taken already. Fuck yeah, man. My friend had a great one. Uh, you know when you’re in the supermarket, and there’s those little produce bags? Those little plastic bags that are impossible to open? Yeah, those. Those are the fuckin’ best. That was my friend’s project.

I hate that.

Yeah. You know when you’re driving and you’re going straight? Yeah, of course. Yeah, and you’re in the right lane, and then, all of a sudden, it turns into a right-turn-only lane? Oh, I hate that. Yeah, and now you’ve gotta cut someone off to get into the middle lane just to keep going straight, which is what you thought you were doing in the first place, and now you’re an asshole.


That’s my friend’s project. [laughter and applause] All right, well, I wish you luck. I’m gonna get back to the show. You’re on the cusp. I’m on the cusp? For going to hell? You’re on the cusp for going to hell. Really? I’m surprised. I’ve never… killed anybody or cheated on anybody. I don’t say “nucular.” What have I done that I’m gonna go to hell for? When you go bowling, you wait till the person in the lane next to you is about to roll their ball, then you bowl at the exact same time as that person. It’s kinda funny. It’s not funny. You’re being a dick. It’s not synchronized bowling. Cut it out. Prick. Anything else? You watch people parallel park. That’s true, but it’s just kinda funny to stop and look at ’em. Don’t do it, shithead. You move along.

That it?

Oh no, you got plenty more.

I’ll just tell you a couple.

Like what? When you go to the beach, you pee in the ocean. Oh, come on. Everybody pees in the ocean. Yeah, but you swim as close to strangers as you can get, and then you pee. That’s true. That’s true. [chuckles] All right. Is that it? Well, you also walk through strangers’ photos. I’m going to hell for photobombing people? No, not photobombing.

You walk through their photos.

I’ve done it two or three times. You’ve done it 247 times. In my defense, just because you’re getting a picture in front of this fountain with your friend, we gotta all now reroute around you ’cause you own the sidewalk? What makes you so important? Yeah, that’s the spirit. Keep it up.

But ri–

Now I have… What? [sighs]

That was weird.

Yeah, I know. Just act like it didn’t happen. If you’re gonna put this on TV, you better fuckin’ step it up. I can’t argue with you. I mean, get your shit together, man. All right. I gotta get back to the show. Anything else you wanna say? Yeah, I just want you to know that even if you think this bit is working, you’re a shitty ventriloquist at best. Thanks. Fuck you. You suck. [as self] All right. Thanks, everybody. That’s the demon. Yeah. [audience applauding, cheering] [disconcerting keyboard music playing] I went to a website I hadn’t been to in a long time, and I tried to log in, and I couldn’t figure out my password. I kept trying it, and I couldn’t get it. And I just thought, “Man, I’m good.” “Wow.” If I can’t figure this out, I mean, that’s… I’m the top person who should be able to crack this, and I can’t get it. The number-one security threat to my own account. [mysterious keyboard chord plays] Thousand Island dressing sounds like the result of an incredible collaboration. You have French, Italian… A thousand islands worked on this one. And it still tastes like garbage. That’s unbelievable. Somebody asked me what mansplaining was. I was like, “Well, it…” “Nice try!” “I have no idea. I don’t know.” “But I’m willing to listen.”


[keyboard music playing] [applause] I’ll take it. I’ll take it. All right. Mostly dudes clapping. That’s okay. [laughter] My friend asked me if I ever went swimming with dolphins. I said, “Yeah, definitely.” “What distance are we talking about from the dolphins?” “‘Cause… pretty sure I swam with all of ’em last time I was in the ocean, so…” Sometimes I wanna go swimming without dolphins. I gotta find a swimming pool. I love pools. I don’t have a pool, but, you know, a pool is fun. Except there’s one thing I don’t like about swimming in a pool. It’s what happens to the other people that you go swimming with. If they get in the pool before you do, it’s like they all suddenly join this cult, whose only mission is to get you to join them…


…in the pool. “Please join us. Just come in the pool.” “Please join us.” “You coming in? You gonna get in?” [overlapping] “Please join us.” “When are you getting in? Come on.” “Yeah, I’m gonna come in. I just wanna be ready.” [overlapping] “No, come on.” “Jump in.” “Just come in.” “I’m fine. I know how to get in a pool. Just let me get hot enough. Relax.” Then they start telling me their personal story, like, “You know, when I first got in, I was cold, but then I, um, put my head under.” “Yeah, I don’t give a shit about your temperature or how it went for you.” “This is not my problem. I’m not you.” “I’m me. I’ll come in when I want to.” “Why don’t you go to the other end of the pool with the other blue-lipped weirdos in your cult, and just leave me out of it? I’m fine.” I feel bad for people who can’t float. That must be a bad feeling. When you’re like, “God, any dead body can do this, and I can’t do this. This…” That’s a confidence killer. I think you should be able to wear a shower cap as a hat on a rainy day. It seems like the perfect cap for rain, you know? It’s designed for it. But you definitely can’t. I can’t think of a quicker way to look insane than to add a shower cap to whatever outfit you have on.

[soft jazz music playing]

[music fades]

Hey, to the people who make scented garbage bags, you can probably take the fragrance down like 6000%, and we’d be okay. Not really sure who that’s designed for, you know? “Hey, got a corpse in your kitchen?” “Don’t worry about it. Just throw it in the bag. We’re cool. We got ya.” “Oh, that’d be great.” “Accidentally take a shit in your kitchen garbage?” “That’s okay.” “These bags have industrial-strength lemon scent in them.” “It’s… You can smell the bag from, like, blocks away.” “Don’t worry about it. You can… throw up in there and everything.” “Oh, great. Thank you.” “I have nightmares about that fragrance, so I appreciate that.” How about a joke that’s more topical? How does that joke go? It’s harder these days to even get people’s attention to let ’em know– No. It’s hard to get people’s attention, you know? I’m kind of a quieter guy. That’s not right. It’s like you can’t grab people’s attention. Nah.

It’s hard to get people’s attention–

No, forget it. You know what? That’s an example of a joke that won’t be in this special. I’ll do crowd work.

[audience chuckling]

Where’s everybody from? But this is on TV, so… Hey. Where you from? What do you do? Email me. Globes are cool. It’s nice that you can get a doll of the entire Earth. “Hey, look. I’m gonna play with the whole world.” The LGBTQ community, that’s really interesting because I think the letter order there is really important, you know? Like, the GQ BLT community, um… that doesn’t sound right. That doesn’t have the ring to it that you want. “What do we stand for here? A men’s magazine and a sandwich?” “That’s just wrong.” Don’t worry, that joke’s not offensive. I checked. It’s fine. Certified.

[joke drum rim shot]

Some things sound like they make sense, and then I think about ’em too much, and it sort of unravels. When somebody says, “I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole,” I’m like, “I know what that means. That makes sense.” But then I thought about it too much and I reversed it, and then it didn’t make sense. The opposite would be, “I would touch that with a ten-foot pole.” “You… You would touch that with a ten-foot pole?” “I would definitely touch that with a ten-foot pole, for sure.” “Okay, ’cause that’s not that different than not touching it with a ten-foot pole.” “No, no, no. It is different.” “I’m saying I would touch it with a ten-foot pole.” “I would poke it and sort of make contact with it, and I’m touching the pole, so…” “Yeah, but you’re ten feet away. You’re not touching it. The pole is.” “Once you’ve introduced a ten-foot pole, we know you’re not touching it.” “Okay, well, how about this?” “I would touch it, pause, with a ten-foot pole.”

“What does ‘pause’ mean?”

“It means that they’re two thoughts.” “I would touch it. Also, you know, I happen to have a ten-foot pole with me.” “Are you a pole-vaulter, walking around, and you touch stuff?” “Yeah, sure.” “That’s not what you said earlier.” “You talked about poking it.” “With. I’m saying I have a ten-foot pole with me.” “You know, I’ve got a ten-foot pole, and also, I’d touch it.” “You’re not touching it. You’re at least ten feet away.” “If your arm’s out, almost–” “But I’m just saying I would touch it.” “No, that’s not what you meant.” “You meant using the pole to touch it.” “With a pole. I have a pole with me, and I’d touch it.”

“Poking it with the pole.” “No, I’m saying it’s in my presence.” “No, be honest.” “Fuck you. I don’t wanna be roommates anymore.”

[double bass twanging pensively]

[Demetri] I do ask myself a lotta questions. Why do I do that? And why the follow-up question? Am I the only one who does that? So many questions. So many mysteries. So much unknown. [echoing] Mysteries of the Unknown. [mysterious music playing] [scattered laughter] A man…

[eerie pizzicato strings play]

[laughter] [dramatic string chord plays] …decides he wants to get a drink. He finds a pub, and he enters. He walks up to the bar, when suddenly, he discovers…

[dramatic string chord plays]

…he is invisible to bartenders. Despite doing comedy for over 20 years. Motherfucker. [mysterious music continues] [applause] Chicken nuggets have enjoyed wide popularity for decades. Yet for some unknown reason, beef nuggets have never caught on. [imitating echoing] Why? Why? Why? Beef… beef… beef. Nuggets… nuggets. Delicious. How long did it take to make the first clock? No one will ever know. A boy displays unusual aptitude in grade school. He gets straight As through high school. He’s admitted to Harvard University, where he studies for four years. He graduates with honors, but then, shortly after graduating, he is struck with a strange affliction that forces him to mention that he went to Harvard every day for the rest of his fucking life. Life… life… life.

[audience whooping, applauding]

Nuggets… nuggets… nuggets. Harvard… Harvard… Harvard.

[mysterious music continues]

You can say “vice-versa,” but you can’t say “versa-vice.” Of all sayings, that one should be switchable. Switchable… switchable… switchable. [hearty laughter] People hate traffic, yet they love parades. It’s the same… same… same. [string chord plays] A woman has a fascinating dream, yet, the next day, when she tells her friend about it, it is unbearably boring. Why? Why? Why? Dream… dream… Harvard… Harvard…

[mysterious music continues]

A boy plays tic-tac-toe. At the very same moment on the other side of the world, while eating a Tic Tac, another boy stubs his toe. [gentle laughter] Uh-oh… uh-oh… uh-oh… A comedian on his flight to go film his special thinks of a brilliant tic-tac-toe-based joke. Yet when he tells it to the crowd, he is met with silence.



[Demetri] Oh. Nuggets… nuggets… Beef… beef… Harvard… Harvard… A man gets into an argument with his wife. In the middle of the argument, he asks, “What’s wrong?” “Nothing,” she replies. Then, three weeks later, in the middle of a completely different argument, she suddenly recalls in vivid detail exactly what was wrong three weeks earlier. Stunned, the man boards a plane to go shoot his special.

[audience roaring with laughter, applauding]

Mysteries of the Unknown.

[music fades out]

[cheering and applause]

[Demetri] All right, I’m back. Whoa. Whoa.

[overlapping] That seltzer thing.

What was I gonna say? – Thoughts. Um…

Yeah, he farts. Uh, focus. Whoa. Okay. What was that? Anyway, where was I? Um

[soft jazz music playing] – Asking myself questions… Oh. I should do more jokes. What about something random? [overlapping] The word random is interesting.

Cool because why…

Because why that word?

[multiple Demetris in unison] Why those letters, you know?

[normally] It’s so itself.

[music fades]

I went to a restaurant that was farm to table to toilet. Little too farm fresh for me. We’re so fragile as people, aren’t we? It’s… It’s crazy. You know, you… you can get killed with a pillow. It’s crazy that you can kill someone with a pillow. I mean, that’s fragile. You know, like, the order’s so important. Uh, bed, pillow, head. You rest. That’s great. Bed, head, pillow. You’re dead. What a shitty way to go. “I got the order wrong, and I died!” I was wondering the other day if I’ve ever seen a horse horsing–

[soft jazz music playing]

I don’t know why, but I find it a lot easier to hate a stranger than love a stranger. I know that sounds weird to say, but I’ll be in line at CVS or something. I’ll be behind some guy, and I’ll be like, “I hate this guy.” “I hate him.” I haven’t even seen the front of him, I’m like, “I’ve seen enough. I hate him.” What is that? What’s my problem? I don’t know what that is about human nature. Um, if there’s one thing I would say about everybody, there’s a selfishness, I think, to human beings that we just all sort of have, just built in there. The fact that community service is a punishment in our society, it’s a pretty good sign, you know, to be like, just under prison, you get community service. How badly did you fuck up that you have to help the community? “You piece of shit! What did you do?” [chuckles] “For 30 hours in the next calendar year, you have to help the community? Wow!” “Glad I’m not you. I bet you learned your lesson, man.” “Yeah, I tried to get prison, but no, they’re gonna make me help.” Strobe lights cause seizures in some people. And we still have strobe lights. How did that work out? I know you might die, but these guidos need to party, so… [chuckles] Sorry you might, uh, choke to death, but this guy needs to look cool when he’s doing the robot in front of this girl, so…

[soft jazz music playing]

I just got an idea. [in unison] If I had a copy store, I would only hire identical twins to work there. Yeah.

If I had one of those bookcases…

If I sold telescopes…

…that’s a secret bookcase that opens…

…I’d have the price really small on the… Uh-oh. …opposite wall. People’d come to my house… Stay focused. “How much is this?” “Look over there.” [audience cheering, applauding] I think a good way to get out of jury duty would be just to just dress as a judge so when they’re bringing all the jurors in, you know, you can look at the judge and be like, “What am I…?” They’d be like, “Get him out of here. I don’t know what he’s doing here.” “Thank you. Sorry. I gotta get back to court.” I went to the store, and they had a sign that said, “Exit only.” And then I went in it. I went in that door, and I was like, “Hey. I have exciting news for you.” “You have severely underestimated this door by, like, 100%.” [beep] is one of those words that sounds more offensive than it is, I think. Is Chris kinda… [beep] …to you? [joke drum rim shot] I love going to concerts. I love seeing my favorite band through the phone of the asshole standing in front of me. [raucous laughter] [applause]


Yeah. All right, here we go. This is a good part of the show. I think you’re gonna like this. So… I really like drawing. I find that it’s fun to incorporate it into my standup sometimes, so I’m gonna show you some drawings.

[enthusiastic cheering]

The cool thing about a drawing is I can share something personal, and I can use a graphic to illustrate it more specifically. For example, here, this is a graph. It’s pretty personal. This stands for “donut sensation.” So this is… these are my feelings when I encounter a donut, basically, so here’s my normal resting state. Somebody offers me a donut, and I’m like, “Ooh, I’m gonna have a donut.” Excited. I’m like, “I can’t have a donut for no reason.” “But I want the donut. No, I’m not gonna eat it.” Now here, I’m eating the donut. I feel fantastic. Until the last bite, and then I just plummet. “Oh God. I had a donut.” Here’s where it gets interesting, the second donut. I’m like, “Oh yes! No, no! Yes! Shit! I don’t know.” It’s a crisis, which is the second donut. With icebergs… People love to talk about the tip of the iceberg. They’re always gonna tell you about the tip. It’s the most talked about part of the iceberg by far. In fact, you never hear about any other part of the iceberg, you know? People are just like, “Yeah, just the tip of the iceberg.” Those are the people that like to give you bad news. Like, “Oh man, you are fucked,” you know? They never later check in and say, “By the way, bottom of the iceberg,” you know? “We’re just about done.” But here’s what’s interesting. Because of climate change, this is not as shitty a thing to say as it used to be, you know? ‘Cause icebergs are now smaller than they were, so you’re just at the tip of something that’s not as big an ordeal as it used to be. So this is actually a lot better than it was because things are much worse.




Yeah. [audience whooping, whistling] Okay, birth. Death. This is your life as you move from birth to death. This is how much future you have. This is how much past you have. Right? So when you’re born, you have all this future. But then as you live, your future steadily gets smaller and smaller until you get to right here, where you die. At the very same time, when you’re born, there’s no past. But your past gets bigger and bigger as you go at the very same rate until you get to here, where you have no future and all past. That’s the condition of being dead. But there’s an interesting point in the middle where your future and past are in equilibrium. And this is during the midlife existential crisis. [laughter and applause] Yeah. This is the kinda thing you might draw during the midlife existential crisis.


[audience whooping] Okay, mustaches. [chuckles] Slight one is creepy. It’s always creepy, right? Just kinda a pube ‘stache. On a boy, a grandmother, whoever. It’s just… It’s just… There should be a waiting period. “Can you stay indoors for a few days until that thickens up? We can’t look at you like that.” Short is okay. Short mustache, great. You got good hygiene, it’s tidy. Nice. Too long, awkward. Come on. It’s hanging over the lip. We see it poking your lip, and we’re thinking about how you eat soup and all this shit. Twirls at the end, that’s an uncomfortable feeling, I think, for us. You know, you see one that twirls, and it just raises a lot of questions, “Do you have to wax that every day?” “Does it stick to your face in the night? You gotta wake up and pull it off?” “How is this woman with you?” Stuff like that. We’re wondering. What’s interesting is that handshakes follow the exact same pattern. [chuckles] Slight handshake, that’s creepy. I’m shaking your hand, you gotta squeeze back. Don’t just give me your hand and move it around. Participate! We’re doin’ this together. Short handshake, of course, is okay. “Great to meet you.” Too long is awkward. You’re shaking someone’s hand like, “Okay, I’m done.” They don’t let go. I’m like, “Whoa, you felt me pulling out. You don’t dominate me in this greeting. You just… Release.” Twirls at the end, a very uncomfortable feeling. “Hey, good to meet you. How’s it g… What?!” “We’re dancing? Okay, wow.” That was kinda nice, but… very uncomfortable.” I like the letter R. That’s one of my favorite uppercase letters, just to look at. I like the leg position, I think that’s what it is. When I see the alphabet, the letters look like they posed for portraits, like A or whatever. But R is kinda cool. It looks like it was just walking by, and the artist was like, “Stop!” “What, like this?” “Yeah, hold that. I love it.” “Just that action.” R. Regal. This is a graph of the letter N. So this is the height over time… of an N, right? So we start here, and we’re going up. We’re moving through time, it’s getting later, now we’re going down. Then we go back up. And that’s the N. Probably the dumbest drawing I’ve done in about five years, so I feel pretty good about that, yeah. I would love to get that on TV. This is a calendar-based drawing. So this is yesterday, actually. This is a still life. So this is a bowl of ice cream with a cherry on top on a round place mat on a round side table on a round area rug, so… I love frisbees. Frisbees are, like, the only thing you can throw at a stranger, and hit ’em with it, and it’s okay. Know what I mean? You hit some guy with a frisbee. “What the fuck? Oh, it’s a frisbee. Cool.” “Here you go.” You can go to the park alone with just you and a frisbee. When people aren’t looking, you can just throw it at ’em and hit ’em. Then you can be like, “Little help.” “Are you even here with anybody?” “Thank you!” This is a landscape. That’s Antarctica. Finally, I have a graph here. This is how much things are improved with frosting. So we have… Mini-Wheats are greatly improved with frosting. I think everybody can agree. Frosted Mini Wheats, great. Cupcakes, also, huge improvement when you add the frosting. They’re good, but the frosting’s great. Cookies also very good with frosting. We got a drop off here to tips. So, uh, when you frost your tips, I don’t think it improves them much. And that might be too generous. I don’t know if that’s… Frosted tips. Okay. That’s some comedy right there.


Thank you. Nice. This is a good crowd. I wanna give ’em something more, likehmm… Wait a minute. I wonder if I could go back. Yeah, I think that could work. Okay, now I’m gonna try something. I’m gonna go back through the drawings in the opposite direction and do a different joke for each drawing we just saw. Let’s see if we can… Okay, this is a graph going in that direction of things that are more and more awkward to give to a stripper. So tips, not awkward at all. That’s pretty normal. Cookies, we shoot way up in awkwardness. That’s weird. Even weirder is cupcakes, but the most awkward to give to a stripper is Mini-Wheats, to be like, “Thank you for your dance.” “Perhaps you can have these for breakfast.” “They are frosted, which is superior, as we know, so…” [chuckles] This is a nude. It’s, uh, it’s a guy lying on his side. Uh, this is his butt cheek, so it’s a close-up. He’s a white guy. One thing I hate is a frisbee. I hate frisbees. It’s the only thing a stranger can throw at you and hit you with and you can’t get mad at ’em, you know? I hate that. This is a tattoo I would never get. Especially in America. I just don’t think that’s a good tattoo to get.

[audience groaning]

[Demetri chuckles]

Oh, I’m sorry.

[laughter] This is a tattoo I would get, you know? I don’t know if you can get tattoos after you die, if you can have that in your will, say, “Hey, could I… You know, first thing, please, if you could put an X on each of my eyelids for the wake, I would appreciate it,” and it’s like… People’d come say, “You know, he did like cartoons, so that makes a lotta sense.” This is how much hair and teeth you have over the course of your life, so… You’re born, you have no hair or teeth, then you get more and more hair and teeth, and you reach the peak. Then you start losing your hair and your teeth. And then you get fake hair and fake teeth to be a bizarro version of your earlier self. Okay. That’s the R from behind. [raucous laughter] [cheering and applause]

[Demetri] Pretty tight butt on that R. [chuckles] That R works out. [chuckles] Massages. A slight one is creepy. It’s creepy to get a slight massage. That’s… Someone’s just fondling your back, just… A short massage is okay, sure, if it’s effective. Great. Don’t have to spend all day on it. Too long is awkward. You’re harassing me. “Look, I’ve had to fart for 20 minutes. Just get away.” Twirls at the end, an uncomfortable feeling. Somebody finishes a massage, you’re relaxed, then they just go… “What was that about? Is that a target or something?” A slight hello is creepy always. [softly] Hi. A short hello is fine. Hey. Of course. Too long is awkward. Heeelloooo! Twirls at the end, that’s an uncomfortable feeling. You know? If they’re like, “Hey.” Huh. That felt awkward. Hey. That was weird. How ’bout, like, smoother? Nope. – I’m gonna try that again.

Hey! What about from a different angle? Nope. What about like this? Forget it. Just move on. All right. Breakfast. Dinner. Lunch. This is how appropriate it is to have French toast. This is how appropriate it is to have pasta. At breakfast, very appropriate to have French toast, but as the day goes on, it becomes less and less appropriate to have French toast. until at dinner, it’s ridiculous to have French toast. At the very same time, pasta, which was completely inappropriate at breakfast, becomes more and more appropriate until at dinner, it’s completely appropriate to have pasta. But there’s a point in the middle of the day, when it’s equally appropriate to have French toast or pasta, and this is when you’re most likely to eat carbohydrates. [audience applauding, whooping] Yeah. I’ll take that. Okay, I can only speak for the men here, but when you’re standing in cold water… These are pants and this is water. You’re like, “That’s pretty cold water. I think I know how cold.” But then it starts moving up your legs, and you don’t really know how cold it is until it gets to the tip, then you’re like, “Oooh!” [chuckles] “That’s very cold.” “Retreat. Retreat!” Finally, this stands for Demetri sleeping. So this is my mouth. That’s my nose. That’s my hair. And that’s my eye.

[audience applauding, whooping]

[Demetri] That’s me sleeping on my back.

[soft jazz music playing]


[audience cheering, whistling]

[Demetri] Thank you. Thank you, guys.

I appreciate it.

[machine beeping] [man 1] Oh, okay. You’re all done. How do you feel? It felt very real.

Very vivid.

[man 1] Right. Just, like, it’s like I was really doing a special. Does your mind feel less blocked? I feel funny. My head is very hot, like, almost like it’s maybe slightly… burnt. Well, that is normal. [chuckles uneasily] Uh, the good news is, uh, we know what is wrong with you exactly.


Your brain is constipated.

[Demetri sighs] Oh. Is that serious? Yeah. I don’t know how else to put it. There’s too much in there. Yeah. Right, the first step will be a, uh, mental laxative. Uh… A mental laxative? Yeah.

[soft jazz music playing]

[music fades out]


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!