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Tig Notaro: Hello Again (2024) | Transcript

Notaro faces absurdities, from hallucinatory texts to a surreal Hollywood meeting. Her life provides fodder for standup routines, including a late night encounter with a mustachioed fireman that makes her rethink things.
Tig Notaro: Hello Again (2024)

Tig Notaro: Hello Again (2024)

Released on March 26, 2024, Prime Video

“Tig Notaro: Hello Again” lands with the comedic subtlety of a lead balloon, ambitiously aiming for the stars but barely clearing the backyard fence. Notaro’s foray into the absurdity of her life and hallucinatory text exchanges ends up feeling more like a meandering anecdote lost on its way to the punchline, rather than the sharp, insightful comedy one might hope for. The over-reliance on a clichéd encounter with a mustachioed fireman and tepid family tales achieves an effect opposite of the intended humor, leaving audiences in a limbo between mild amusement and second-hand embarrassment. Even with Stephanie’s directorial efforts, the special struggles to find its comedic footing, ultimately feeling like a collection of missed opportunities wrapped in a veneer of awkward self-indulgence rather than a cohesive, laugh-out-loud experience.

* * *

[rock music playing]

[audience cheering]

[rock music playing]

[cheering and applause]

Hello.

[cheering and applause continues]

Thank you, people of Brooklyn.

[cheering and applause continues]

Wow.

[cheering and applause continues]

Come on. You know that’s not my style.

Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting. Um… Also, my wife, Stephanie, is directing tonight.

[cheering and applause]

All right. Tonight’s my night, though. Okay?

Actually, she is, by far, out of the two of us, the most popular in our family. And possibly elsewhere. But, um… Yes, she’s wonderful. But we work together oftentimes, and we’ll leave and come home at the same time. And one day I came home by myself, and when I walked in, the alarm said, “Side door open.”

And our son started yelling, “Mommy’s home, Mommy’s home!” That’s what they call Stephanie.

And then I came around the corner and our son Finn looked back at me… and then looked at his brother and said, “It’s just her.”

As if to say, “Don’t even bother even slightly turning your head.”

The letdown is so monumental.

Learn from my mistake.

Before Max and Finn came along, people told us all of the typical things of make sure you travel, you’re not gonna get a lot of sleep. Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation that happens on a near-daily basis.

Like, “It’s just her.” Another example: At bedtime, I was walking upstairs with our son Max, and he asked if I would read him a story. And I thought, “Well, this will be great.” We can just have a little special moment together. I’ll snuggle in real close to him and read him a book. He picks out a story. And I’m reading the book. He’s just staring at me.

I get to page, like, four or five, and then he says, “Can you leave?”

“Absolutely. Uh… My apologies.”

But you could tell he was just like, “Yeah, I get it. The little animal misses its mommy or whatever, but, uh, I’m exhausted, so beat it.”

Stephanie and I were completely dead asleep in the middle of the night one time when Finn came in and just wedged his little body right between us. Just got right in there. And then in the darkness, this little voice… “I have two mommies?”

I said, “Yes, you have two mommies.” And he said, “I don’t want two mommies.”

And I’m sitting there thinking, “Oh, my gosh, this train has left the station.”

And also, because it was dark, I couldn’t make eye contact with Stephanie to be like, “How are we gonna deal with this?”

But then a beat later, he said, “I want three mommies.”

I was like, “Phew.”

That was close.

But also, I never imagined it would be our young son who would open up our marriage.

[applause] But being a good parent, I immediately got online.

Started a new profile.

Saying “Little boy in search of third mommy.”

“Recent photos only.”

They’re seven and a half now, and it’s starting to feel like life is kind of normal again because we’re getting sleep and we’re going out and socializing. We went to a movie premiere, got home at 11:00. It was a big night.

And when we got home, Stephanie immediately fell asleep. And I was up with a stomachache, and I just thought, “Well, I’m not gonna bother her with this. I’m sure it’s nothing.” All of my medical issues end up not being a big deal anyway, so…

Why would this be any different? And then a couple of hours pass and it just got worse and worse. And I just, I turned to her and I said, “Oh, my gosh, I’m in so much pain and my stomach’s killing me.” And she was really groggy and said… “Do you think it was all the popcorn that you ate at the premiere of the movie?” And I said, “Mm, I do not.”

“I’ve been eating popcorn for almost 50 years now and, uh… Not consistently, but almost, and this is not popcorn pain.”

And she said, “Well, why don’t you get up, get dressed, and we’ll go to the emergency room because I don’t think we should take any chances.” And I said, “Well, I don’t even know if I can walk. I’m in so much pain.” And she said, You can’t walk? Well, then I’m calling 911.” And people of Brooklyn…

She called 911 and a gigantic fireman appeared at our bedroom door. This guy was over six feet tall, had rubber boots on, fireman pants, muscles out to here, suspenders, no shirt.

Meanwhile, I’m lying in bed feeling so vulnerable ’cause I’m in terrible pain. Plus, I’m in my nightgown and…

You think I wear a nightgown?

Me, your friend Tig, you think I wear a nightgown?

You think I’m walking around the house like…

“Who is it? Who is it?”

Because that’s what you do when you wear a nightgown. You find out who it is.

I think the last time I wore a nightgown was probably 1977.

Probably had a little Pooh Bear on the front scooping honey out of a clay pot.

Fully polyester. My mother would walk down the hall. [inhales] “Good night.”

[imitates fire]

Where was the fireman that night?

I’ll tell you where he was. I bet he was in his little bed that was in the shape of a fire truck.

Dreaming of one day becoming a fireman. Anyway…

So I’m in bed. He comes over and he says, “I want you to know, I understand that you’re in a lot of pain and that there is an ambulance outside if you need it.” And I said, “Ah, I appreciate that. I just, I don’t know if I can walk. I’m in so much pain.” And he said, “That is not a problem.”

And he scooped me up in those big, strong arms. And I was like, “Ho-ho-ho, I could get used to this.”

Bada bing, bada boom.

Right then, I thought, “Oh, I get it now.”

[cheering and applause]

If you think you’re shocked, how do you think I felt?

That is not my typical type.

Oh, here’s another curveball I learned about myself that night. Didn’t know I was into this. He had a mustache.

It wasn’t just a mustache. It was one of these.

Yes, please.

Don’t. Don’t judge me. I feel like my demographic knows better than most that you can fall for and be attracted to anyone at any point. And it goes every which way.

[cheering and applause]

It’s true. And I really had no idea that this was my type.

I always thought if I’m ever into a guy, it’s not gonna be that guy.

I always thought he’d be a singer-songwriter.

A painter, a poet.

He’d have a slight build. We’d share a wardrobe.

But not this guy. But there I was, in his arms, my body just dangling, nightgown flowing in the wind.

He’s carrying me down the hall. And I said, “Listen, when we pass these two doors, I need you to do me a favor and I need you to be extra quiet, because if my sons wake up and see this situation, they are going to be so confused on so many different levels.” But he was amazing about it. You know how he is. He is the best.

He starts tiptoeing with me in his arms. He carries me down the stairs. And my father-in-law lives with us, and he carried me past him. And then Stephanie had the door of the house open, and he carried me past her. And I was just like, “Goodbye, old life.”

We get out to the ambulance and he gently places me on the gurney. Kisses me on the forehead.

It was mutual.

He closes and locks the back door. And then, wouldn’t you know it… [knocking] “Oh, God. Hey, uh, apparently, my roommate is worried about me and wants to join us on the ride to the hospital.”

“Thanks a lot, Stephanie.”

Total buzzkill. But as I suspected, it ended up not being a big deal. It was just internal bleeding.

And a couple of weeks later, Stephanie and I are at a party. I’m telling everyone in this group about the hot, sexy fireman that carried me out of the house in the middle of the night. I was like, “Oh, my God, you should’ve seen it. Just muscles, mustache, so sexy.” Stephanie overhears this, walks up, and says, “I’m sorry.” She has a look of disgust on her face. She’s like, “You thought that guy was hot?”

“Uh, yes, I did.”

“And this is not a matter of opinion.”

“This is a matter of fact.” And I don’t know if anyone here can relate, but there is nothing more awkward than finding out in a social situation that you and your wife have completely different taste in men.

The older I get, I’m noticing I think I have trouble with my hearing. I-I… Something’s off. I always misunderstand a word or miss an entire chunk of information altogether. I’ll give you a couple of examples. Uh, I was working in Toronto, and I checked in for my flight. And the woman behind the counter said, “Okay, you’re all set. You can go hang out now in the Make Believe Lounge.”

[chuckles] I said, “Oh, yeah?”

“Where is that?”

And she said, “It’s on the fourth floor.” I said, “Oh, is it, now?”

And she’s just like, “Mm-hmm, yeah.” And I said, “All right, well, uh, I guess I’m gonna head up there now.”

And the whole time, she’s just nodding her head. “Yep. Okay.” I’m like, “Okay, here I go.”

Okay, here’s the thing. I deal with these types of people in these jobs on a near-daily basis, and it’s typically a very straightforward exchange of information. And with her, I thought, “I’ve clearly stumbled upon a little weirdo.”

But I’ll play. But she never said, “I’m just kidding.” So I thought, “Okay, I have to go see what’s going on on the fourth floor.”

I press the elevator button, go up, the doors open, and there is a huge sign that says, “Welcome to the Maple Leaf Lounge.”

You know, Canada.

And I immediately cringe, reflecting on the exchange that I just had where the woman clearly said I could go hang out in the Maple Leaf Lounge, and I’m like, “Oh, yeah?”

“Where is that?”

“It’s on the fourth floor.” “Okay. Is it, now?”

“Mm-hmm, yes.” “Okay, well, I guess I’m gonna head up there now.”

“Okay.” “All right, here I go.”

I looked clinically insane.

Another example: Uh, as I mentioned before, Stephanie and I oftentimes work together, and we had a meeting one afternoon with Reese Witherspoon and her producing partner, and we were having a great time. We were all sharing stories. We’re laughing so hard. Just really a grand old time. And then Reese started talking about the TV show that she worked on called Big Little Lies. And she said, “Uh, yeah, I was one of the shortest cast members of the show. I’m 5’2 “, Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet, and Shailene is 5’8 “.” And I responded, saying, “Oh, that’s interesting ’cause years ago I dated a woman that was six feet tall, and I think she was kind of insecure about her height, so she hunched.”

So…

Now… The vibe in the room tonight is eerily similar to the vibe in Reese Witherspoon’s office that day.

And soon after, we wrap up the meeting, head out, shut the door, and Stephanie turns to me and says, “Um…”

“What were you talking about in there?”

And that was the moment that I learned that there is an actress named Shailene.

I… I had never heard of her.

Now, this is also the moment in the show where there’s a pocket of people that are like, “Oh, that is funny.”

And then there are other people like, “What?

And then I see people lean into each other to be like, “Well, no, I think,” to explain.

No need to explain. That’s why I’m-I’m here. I…

[cheering and applause]

Let me tell you what I heard.

I heard that Reese Witherspoon is 5’2″, Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet… and she leans 5’8″.

That’s why I said what I said.

I was sitting there looking at Reese, her producing partner, Lauren, and my own wife staring back at me.

You could tell in their eyes they were desperately trying to connect the dots.

To make what I had just said makes sense.

And I feel like I can read a room pretty well, and I was truly sitting there like, “What?”

I was also thinking, “Oh, I’m sorry, Reese. You can share your boring height story.”

“And then as soon as I share mine, the entire room shuts down?”

I truly, in that moment, I truly thought I was being a really good conversationalist.

I was like, “Oh, interesting. Okay, so your friend is six feet and she leans 5’8″. Boy, do I have a story for you.”

So again, Reese Witherspoon is 5’2″…

Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet, and Shailene is 5’8″.

And I essentially just responded to that with, “Oh, interesting. Um, I used to date a woman that hunched.”

“Bye-bye.”

“Nailed that meeting.”

“We’ll be in touch, Reese.”

[chuckles] I have no connection to Nicole Kidman. I don’t… I mean, I’ve seen her, you know, on TV shows and in film, but if her friend is telling me she’s six feet and leans 5’8″, I’m not gonna push back.

And no matter how old you are, you can always learn a new word or a new phrase. And I promise you, I thought that’s what was happening.

It’s like, “Oh, okay, six feet, leans five… Is that what that’s called? Hmm.”

“I’ll have to use that moving forward.”

I really… I didn’t know. I… Yeah, I don’t know Nicole. I’m not connected. The only slight connection I have to Nicole Kidman is I know that there are some people who think I look like her ex-husband.

[cheering and applause]

But…

[cheering and applause]

I have to say, whenever I do the “she leans,” it makes me feel cool.

Yeah.

My back used to be so bad that if you caught me a few years ago, I would have been like, “She leans.” But my friend highly recommended I go to his chiropractor in Los Angeles, and I did, and she snapped, crackled, and popped me back into shape. And she said, “I do feel like this is gonna hold you for a few months, but you might be a candidate for back surgery.” And so I’m lying there and she’s asking me, you know, what happened to my back. And I said, “Oh, I was in a car accident, a skiing accident, snowboarding accident.” I said, “We have these two little roommates that are in the 99th percentile. Anytime I pick them up, it snaps my back in two.” And she says, “Okay, well, if you do go meet with surgeons, just make sure that you mention your accidents and that you’re a mother or whatever.”

And she kept talking and telling me the important information to tell the surgeon, but I was lying there thinking, “A mother or, slap, slap, whatever.” I was…

What does that mean? And so I didn’t hear anything she said.

And my brain just started going in all of these different directions. And I’m just thinking, “Does she think I’m a man?”

And then I thought, “Oh, maybe she thinks I identify differently.” Uh, which, just so you know, I just identify as a run-of-the-mill, old-fashioned lesbian.

And I…

[cheering and applause]

I don’t need a standing ovation. I…

We’re all something, and that’s just what I am. But I was like… [sighs] And then I thought… You know how you can hire somebody to come in to talk about sexual harassment in the office?

I was really reaching here, and I was thinking, “Oh, maybe there’s some company you can hire that will come in.” And then I stopped myself. I was like, there is no world that there is a company that comes in to say, “Listen, if you find yourself face to face with someone or something that you can’t identify, say what you think they are, and then just flap your hand about an inch from the nose and then say, ‘Or whatever.'”

“And that’s the all-inclusive part.”

I was like, “There’s no possible way, Tig.” But I could tell that she didn’t have bad intentions, um, which I think is very important these days. Probably has always been important, but really important now. And I feel like the way I could tell that she didn’t have bad intentions was solely from that.

Honestly, when I drove home that day when I was trying to solve this puzzle, I had a moment where I was like, “Well, at least she did flap her hand.”

[sighs]

Because here’s the thing, is a person that… I think that what happened was she was looking at my face, and I think her sentence got ahead of her.

And she was just like, “So, you know, just tell them about your accidents, that you’re a mother… Oh…”

“Oh, this face could be many different things. Flappity, flap, flap.”

“Flap.” You know, this is not… This is… This is panic. This is not “I’m gonna try and hurt your feelings.” This is “Oh, stop, rewind, flap it away.”

I don’t have the vocabulary, but flappity, flap, flap.”

I did, um… I did end up having back surgery. And wouldn’t you know it, there were complications. I’ll tell you what happened. They cut my stomach open, move my insides over, bolt and fuse my spine, move everything back over, and then zip me up. And I-I apologize. I know that is a lot of medical jargon.

But it is what happened. And my blood pressure dropped really low, my insides shut down, and they couldn’t give me the level of pain medication I needed because my blood pressure was so low, so I was in so much pain, started panicking. Then they gave me Ativan for the anxiety. And we found out in that moment that I’m allergic to Ativan, and I started hallucinating like crazy. And Stephanie said the moment that she knew something was off was when I was lying there and I said, “Oh, boy.”

“Here comes boss lady.”

And she said, “First of all, I know you would never use the term ‘boss lady.'”

“Second of all, you don’t have a boss lady.”

“And third of all, there is nobody there.”

And I guess I had turned and tried to shoo our family cat off of the bedside table. I was like, “Fluff, get down. Get away from the vodka.”

Wasn’t a bottle of vodka sitting there. Also, Fluff was not visiting me that day in the hospital.

She had actually come the day before.

And before this moment, typically, the doctors and nurses would always beeline over to me, and they would check my vitals. And I look over and now they’re all standing around Stephanie, and I’m thinking, “Oh, my gosh, what’s going on?” I couldn’t get a hold of my brain, and I was like, “What are they talking about?” And then I heard Stephanie say, “Yeah, she’s been hallucinating on every sentence.”

And then I interrupted.

And said, “Pfft, every other.”

Just trying to save face because I really did not know what was happening. I mean, truly had no clue, and I’ve never done hallucinogenic drug trips. And that’s probably obvious just by that sentence.

The closest I’ve ever come to that state of mind is when I’m really tired or somebody wakes me up from my sleep, I’ll say something that doesn’t make sense. And I remember when I was in seventh grade, my friend was spending the night and we were talking in the dark, and she was sharing something traumatic from her childhood. And I woke up because I heard myself yell, “There’s corn dogs in the freezer!”

And she said, “What?”

And then I had to make it make sense.

And I said, “Oh, um… I just wanted to let you know that if you do get hungry in the night, we have corn dogs in our freezer.”

“But anyway, go ahead. I was listening.”

And people of Brooklyn, we were not a corn dogs in the freezer kind of family.

So that was a close call.

But needless to say, I was not in touch with the outside world during this stint. And Stephanie looked over at one point and I had my cell phone in my hand. And she said, “What are you doing?”

And I said, “I’m texting Patrick.”

And she said, “Let me see your phone.” And I said, “Why?” And she said, “Give me your phone.”

And if she hadn’t taken a screen grab, I would never have believed what I was about to send to Patrick.

He simply asked, “Hey, how’s it going in there?” And I responded, saying, “Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things have been getting worse to a towel.”

And then in parentheses, I wrote, “I see tractor!”

“Also, CHB.”

And whenever I share this story, inevitably, somebody asks, “What? What is CHB?” And my response is, “What is getting worse to a towel?”

Why does nobody have any question about the rest of the text message?

Everybody’s just like, “What the hell is CHB?”

Like, what? I don’t know. It’s… I was out of my mind. Make up whatever you want it to be.

But I love that I had the wherewithal to put parentheses around “I see tractor!”

Because I can only assume that I was mid-text and then glanced over.

I was like, “Whoa.”

“Okay, this has nothing to do with the rest of my message, but, uh, I do see tractor.”

“Also, CHB.”

And a couple of days after I was discharged, I had this vague recollection of stopping texting Patrick to Google “how to spell tractor.”

[chuckles] I know how to spell “tractor.”

But I guess in that state of mind I was just like, “Okay, I can’t just be firing off misspelled texts.”

“What will Patrick think of me?”

I ended up going to physical therapy, and I just, I want to make sure that my physical therapist is not here.

She has absolutely zero sense of humor.

None. None. And Stephanie calls people like that “people who talk to one another.”

And we do that at home all the time. We’ll be like, “Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

“I’ve made breakfast.” “It looks delicious. Thank you.” “Well, I’d better be off to work.” “Have a wonderful day.” “I love you.” “I love you, too.” And that is people who talk to one another.

And… yeah.

[applause] Yes, it really does deserve an applause break.

So here’s the thing. You can end up in weird positions when you’re in physical therapy, and it’s just nice to be able to connect with somebody. Not with her.

Okay? She wanted me to do this exercise that called for a very thick rubber band around my thighs. And, um, she said, “To put put the rubber band on, you step into it. It feels like you’re putting on pants.” But you’re not.

You’re stepping into a rubber band. And so I had moments where I was like, “Oh, this is f… Oh, sorry.”

‘Cause she’s just all about strengthening the back. And which, of course, that’s why I’m there. “I’m on your side. I just, I feel silly, and I would…”

“Okay, nothing.” So I get the rubber band onto my thighs, and she said, “There’s not enough room in my office for this exercise, so please follow me out into the hallway.”

[chuckles] Again, nothing about it is silly to her. So I’m waddling behind her.

And I said, “Oh, I feel so f…”

“Does everything have to be a joke with you?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

“I have a mortgage, so…”

We get out to the hall, and this is a large building in Los Angeles, very high up. I mean, maybe ten times as long as this stage. And she said, “I want you, with the rubber band around your thighs, get in this position, and then do this all the way down the hall and then all the way back, so forth and so on, okay?” She… Nothing’s funny about this to her.

‘Cause she’s just a person who talks to other people.

I’m just like, “Oh, my gosh. I’m alone.”

So I’m going back and forth. And then here’s an important bit of information for you. All of the walls are glass.

We’ve got doctors’ offices, attorneys… I’m…

[sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] Scoot down… I mean, I’m… Look, I know I’m not the most well-known person, but people were recognizing me.

Okay? And I’m just like…

“God help me.” [sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. While I’m scooting down the hall, I have this other realization on top of everything, where I’m like, “Oh. Oh, no.”

“None of these people waiting to see their doctors, or their lawyers, none of them know that there’s a physical therapy office on this floor.”

[sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down… It’s like, “What the hell is Tig doing?”

“I had the day off. I’m checking on you.”

You’ve got a big trial in the morning, buddy.”

[sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. Oh, my gosh, that is a hit song, is it not?

[cheering and applause]

And speaking of hit songs, you probably don’t know this about me, but I do love to sing and play the piano. And I was thinking, I actually might do that for you tonight.

[cheering and applause]

Only if you want me to.

[cheering and applause]

Oh, look at that, perfect timing.

[cheering and applause]

So, um, I do. I… I love to sing and play the piano. Um, I… I don’t know how to do either.

[playing off-key]

[cheering and applause] I do. I love… You know, when I tell people that I can’t play the piano and I have a terrible voice, they assume, oh, that I can’t play anything. It’s the opposite.

I can play whatever I want.

[playing off-key]

[cheering and applause] Thank you. I’m probably one of very few pianists…

That’s what we’re called.

And if you’re too immature to deal with that word… [plays off-key] …then you’re in the right place.

But I think I am one of very few pianists that you’ll see that plays cross-legged.

[playing off-key]

Sometimes I like to emulate, like, a jazz pianist, because I feel like it kind of helps me sound better when I, like…

[playing off-key]

Jazz is just chaos, and that’s all this is, so…

[playing off-key]

I mean, it kind of sounds like something.

[playing off-key]

Clap if you’re a pianist tonight and you think, “Well, it does kind of sound like something.”

[cheering and applause]

Whoa! Thank you.

[playing off-key]

A lot of pianists here.

What about a pianist that’s thinking, “Uh, actually, it does not sound like anything.”

[applause]

Get out!

Get out.

You can’t take my joy.

I mean, come on, I… Maybe I’ll put out an album.

And just call it “It Kind of Sounds Like Something.”

[playing off-key] [plays off-note]

That’s universal for the song is over.

[cheering and applause]

I feel like I’m accidentally getting good at the piano.

Um… I was in Los Angeles and I was at a party that was just littered with some of the most famous people that you could ever imagine in your life, and I’m certainly not including myself on that list, but on stage of this huge venue, there was a grand piano, a full drum set, guitars, microphones, and, throughout the night, different singers and musicians would get on stage, do a few songs, and then get down, and then somebody else would get up. You would see people like Bruno Mars, Ariana Grande, Melissa Etheridge, uh, Anthony Kiedis… so many different great, great performers. And Adele was there. And yeah, no matter how famous anybody at this party was, all anybody cared about was Adele.

And you’d just hear the whole night, like, [whispering] “Oh, there’s Adele. Here she comes. I think Adele is gonna sing next. Oh, she’s going over by the… She’s by the stage. I think she’s going on. Here she comes. It’s Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele.” And then she never sang.

And I turned to Stephanie and I just said, “Pfft, I’ll do it.”

[chuckles] And Pink was finishing her final song.

And I walk up to the front of the stage and I said, “Hey, I wanna sing a song next.” And she was so excited. She knew I did comedy. She didn’t know I was a singer.

And she said, “What song are you gonna sing?” And I said, “I wanna sing Adele’s ‘Hello.'”

She was so excited, I thought her face was gonna pop off of her head.

[chuckles] You can’t dial in an Adele song.

You know? So she’s like, “Oh, not only does she sing, she’s incredible.”

And then I said, “Here’s the thing. I don’t really know how the song goes.”

“And so I was wondering if you could do me a favor and go over to the side of the stage and ask the DJ to play Adele’s ‘Hello, ‘ and then I’ll play and sing along to the best of my ability.”

And her face dropped ’cause she realized what she was dealing with in that moment.

But she did it. Pink walks over, asks the DJ to play Adele’s “Hello.” And that is what I was thinking I just might play for you tonight.

[cheering and applause]

I just need to warm up a little more. Hold on.

[playing off-key]

I actually… You know what?

[plays off-note]

I feel like this is a good point in the show to apologize.

Say a friend brought you tonight.

I’m sorry.

Or maybe you only know me from my TV show One Mississippi or my podcast Handsome, and…

[cheering and applause]

And you’re like, “Oh, she does stand-up? What’s that like?” [playing off-key] It’s like this.

I’m sorry.

I have to say, I have these moments when I’m on stage… [chuckles] …where I, I really get in touch with the fact that I am somebody’s mother.

Or whatever, but…

You understand, I have to look at these children in the face and say, “I have to go to work now.”

[playing off-key]

“No, it’s important. I’m running late. I must go.”

[playing off-key]

I, um… I close all of my shows with Adele’s “Hello.”

And, um, I was in Honolulu, and it’s in my contract that I have a piano on stage. And I was backstage and the promoter, somebody came up to me and he said, “Tig, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how this happened, but you’re supposed to have a piano.” And I said, “Yes, I… I do need one.”

And he said, um… [sighs] “I just looked at your contract and I saw that you needed one. And I’m so sorry. I don’t know how this happened. We do have a piano. It’s just, um… It’s not tuned.”

I said, “Oh, that’s fine.”

He said, “Really?” And I said, “Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It makes no difference whatsoever.”

“Same show.”

“In fact, every other key could be missing.”

“Same show.”

[playing off-key] So… Actually, if anybody has a specific song title that they would like to request.

[audience shouting requests]

I love that everyone’s, like, panicking, like, trying to, like… “We came here for the hits, Tig.”

[audience shouting requests]

Any? What?

[audience shouting requests]

Listen to yourselves.

Just listen to yourselves.

[playing off-key] What’s that? “Heart and Soul” by Huey Lewis?

No?

Well, I’m sorry. What is… Who sings “Heart and Soul”? Wait, why does it even matter? I don’t know how to play piano.

I can’t even believe I’m getting hung up on details here.

Sure, I’ll play “Heart and Soul.” I…

[audience member vocalizing]

You know what? I refuse to be treated this way.

“It’s this…” [vocalizing]

That feels like such a New York thing. Like, I feel like…

Like at a dance rehearsal or something. Like, the teacher’s like, “You know, two, three, step it up.” [vocalizing]

Let’s not forget that I don’t… Again, here’s “Heart and Soul.” [vocalizing] Here we go.

[playing off-key]

[cheering and applause]

That was the Huey Lewis version, by the way.

[cheering and applause]

Okay, so before I do this, the big finale… The incredible Adele.

[audience cheers]

Such a talent. And I just, it’s so important that you not forget that I don’t know how to play the piano.

And I have a terrible voice.

And I know people are like, “I know it’s coming, I know it’s coming. I bet she’s a great piano player and I bet she sings like a bird.”

That is not on the horizon.

[sighs] This is the most crucial thing. You cannot forget for even a millisecond… that Adele was at that party.

[exhales]

Hit it.

[playing off-key]

[singing off-key] ♪ Hello from the other side ♪

[cheering and applause]

[singing off-key] ♪ At least I can say that I’ve tried ♪

[singing off-key] ♪ Tell you I’m sorry ♪

Thank you so much, Brooklyn.

[cheering and applause]

Remember, Adele was there.

[cheering and applause continues]

And so was Oprah Winfrey.

[cheering and applause continues]

[playing off-key]

[cheering and applause continues]

People of Brooklyn, thank you so, so much.

[cheering and applause continues]

Thank you so much for coming out.

[cheering and applause continues]

Thank you.

[cheering and applause continues]

Thank you. What a great audience. Thank you so much.

[cheering and applause continues]

[“Chopsticks” plays on piano]

[cheering and applause continues]

[“Chopsticks” continues]

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause continues]

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