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Shane Gillis Stand-Up Monologue – SNL | Transcript

Host Shane Gillis does stand-up about coaching sports, his family and owning a coffee shop for people with Down syndrome to work at.
Shane Gillis Stand-Up Monologue - SNL

Original air date : February 24, 2024

Ladies and gentlemen — Shane Gillis!

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

I’ll right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s– yeah. I’m here.

[Laughter]

I– most of you probably have no idea who I am. I was actually– I was fired from this show*.

[Laughter]

Awhile ago. But, you know. Don’t look that up, please.

[Laughter]

If you don’t know who I am, please don’t google that. It’s fine, don’t even worry about it. I don’t know. This is– I probably shouldn’t be up here, honestly. I should be home. I should be– I should be a high school football coach.

[Laughter]

That’s what I should be. Like, god molded me perfectly to be a high school football coach. Slash ninth-grade sex education teacher…

[laughter]

…but that is what I want to be. That is, you know– I can feel it. It’s like my true calling. You know. I can feel it, you know, getting older, it’s passing me by. You know, my biological clock is ticking on this stream. You know how like when a woman’s biological clock is ticking, she sees a baby in a stroller and is like, “oh my god.” That’s how I am if I see a big 15-year-old. “Oh my god, look at the size of that kid.”

[Laughter]

“With the right coaching, that kid could be something special, I’m telling you right now.”

[Laughter]

I come from a long line of coaches in my family. My father’s actually a volunteer assistant girls high school basketball coach.

[Laughter]

He’s actually here right now. You get him on there? Yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

There he is. There’s my dad. The volunteer assistant girls high school basketball coach.

[Laughter]

I don’t know, it’s funny, right? You don’t think that’s funny, to bring my dad here to make fun of him for being a girls high school basketball coach?

[Laughter]

All right. I thought it was great. Never mind.

[Laughter]

Thought that was going to be a big hit here. My mom’s up there with him. My mom — I’m not going to make fun of you.

[Laughter]

My mom asked me this a lot. It’s kind of an intense question. “When did we stop being best friends?” And she’s right. We used to be best friends. You remember that, when you were a little boy, you loved your mom, you thought she was the coolest– you remember when you were gay?

[Laughter]

You remember when you were just a gay little boy? Every little boy is just their mom’s gay best friend, there’s zero row difference. I was gay for my mom. She would pick me up from school, hop in the van, “girl, tell me about your day.”

[Laughter]

I thought she was cool. I would listen to her music.

♪ Bam bam bam ♪

Let’s go, girls!

[Laughter]

I would dance for her. She’d be like, “look at my little dancer!” But– my mom asked me when we stopped being best friends, and I don’t have the heart to tell her. Because like most men, I know exactly when me and my mom stopped being friends. It was the first time I whacked off.

[Laughter]

Right? Before that, you’re like, “where’s my mom, I love my mom, she’s so cool.” One night, “when’s that bitch going to leave the house? I have so much business to attend to.”

[Laughter]

All right, I hope I can say those words on TV.

[Laughter]

Anyway, my whole family’s here, so I’ll talk about them instead of anything else. Talk about my family. I’ll tell you this. I don’t know if you can tell by looking at me, but I do have family members with Down syndrome.

[Light laughter]

It almost got me.

[Laughter]

I dodged it, but it nicked me. It nicked me. It’s funny. Look, I don’t have any material that can be on TV, all right?

[Laughter]

I’m trying my best. Also, this place is extremely well-lit. I can see everyone not enjoying it.

[Laughter]

You know. Just the most nervous I’ve ever been. Don’t clap now, shut up.

[Laughter]

No, I talk about Down syndrome. You can tell who’s never been around Down syndrome when you bring it up. “I have family members with Down syndrome.” People who have never been around it are always like, “oh.” Like it’s the end of the world. “Are they okay?” They’re doing better than everybody I know. They’re the only ones having a good time pretty consistently. They’re not worried about the election.

[Laughter]

They’re having a good time. My niece– my niece has Down syndrome. And I thought that was going to get a bigger laugh.

[Laughter]

I thought we were allowed to have fun here. No, my niece has Down syndrome. It’s a funny thing that happens when someone in your family has Down syndrome. My sister was pregnant. Everyone was very, very scared. They come into your life, you realize they’re the only good member of your entire family. It’s crazy. Your family gets too proud. My family’s group text, it’s pictures of my niece. Every day, somebody else in the family comments “she looks exactly like uncle Shane.”

[Laughter]

“Yeah, I see it a little.” There’s no denying she looks like me with bangs.

[Laughter]

Just happy, just — but my sister, my niece’s mother, she didn’t know she could get pregnant. She fostered then adopted three black kids. Then she finally got pregnant. Now she has a kid with Down syndrome. Her husband is from Egypt, he’s an arab guy. You go to the house, it’s like getting into the craziest Uber pool you’ve been in.

[Laughter]

It’s crazy. Like, how did you guys meet?

[Laughter]

But there’s something, I don’t know– my niece, one day– I’m not saying it’s something I’m looking forward to, but I think it will be a nice thing for the whole country. I would say when my niece is probably in fifth, sixth grade, out at recess, some white kids out there, “hey, you’re not allowed to play with us, you’re retarded.” Then three black kids come flying out of nowhere. Start whaling on that cracker.

[Laughter and applause]

Everyone’s going to be like, oh! It’s a nice moment.

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah, I said cracker. No we– my family and I, we opened a coffee shop in my hometown for people with Down syndrome to work at. Don’t clap.

[Applause]

I didn’t do it for the claps. It’s going exactly how you would think it would go. It’s doing well. Line around the corner every day. Not because there’s a ton of people going, but service is–

[laughter]

Everyone’s getting apple juice. We don’t know how to fix that problem…

[Laughter]

There’s one thing– there’s one thing you notice, though, when you work with these guys. It’s funny. Literally, there’s zero difference between us and them. Especially at work. There’s no difference. Every day these dudes show up to work just–

[laughter]

You’re like, “what’s your problem, dude?” “I hate this job.”

[Laughter]

All right, hey. We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

[Cheers and applause]

21 Savage is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back. Thank you!

* Gillis was originally set to be a cast member for season 45 until he was fired for racist and homophobic jokes.

 

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