Baby Reindeer
Episode 4
Original release date: 11 April 2024 (Netflix)
Plot: After six months, Donny attempts to report Martha to the police. When the officer asks him why it took him so long to report her, he flashes back to a few years earlier. As a young comedian he has a chance encounter with Darrien, the writer of a successful television show, who has worked with Donny’s comedy idols. Darrien mentors him and encourages him to move to London, before suddenly disappearing from his life.
Donny moves to London and attends drama school, where he meets and moves in with Keeley. He gets a call from Darrien and begins writing a television pilot under his guidance. Darrien encourages Donny to do drugs and sexually assaults him while he is high. Not realising Darrien is grooming him, Donny spends regular weekend-long drug-fueled “working sessions” at Darrien’s apartment, impacting his relationship with Keeley. During these drug binges, Donny blacks out and is assaulted by Darrien, culminating in Darrien raping him while he is on LSD and GHB. Donny finally leaves Darrien but his relationship with Keeley breaks down. He realizes that he is attracted to men but associates his feelings with his assault and feels shame, beginning a period of unsafe sex with a variety of partners. In the present, due to his guilt over Darrien’s assault and never reporting him, Donny fails to give the police an accurate reporting of Martha’s stalking.
* * *
[somber music playing]
[Donny] Six months.
It had taken me six months to report Martha.
Can I help you?
[Donny] I should have started with Teri, how Martha attacked her just yesterday, but I didn’t.
I would like to report something. How does it work?
What would you like to report?
[Donny] I should have mentioned the grope, but I didn’t.
I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m, like… I’m getting stalked.
By a man or a woman?
A woman.
[Donny] I should have mentioned her name, the articles, her previous crimes, but I just didn’t.
Look, I’m… I’m really worried here.
I think she needs help.
[Donny] And when the policeman asked…
Why’d it take you so long to report it?
[Donny] …it all just came flooding back.
[typing]
[“I’ll Come Running (To Tie Your Shoe)” playing]
[Donny] About five years earlier, I went to the Edinburgh Festival.
It was always an ambition of mine to take a show there, to join the hustle and bustle of street performers and artists gambling their luck on a shot at fame.
I knew I had to come here one day and take a chance myself.
Writing, acting, comedy, whatever it took.
I just needed the kind of freedom in life which only comes from dreaming big and stopping at nothing to get there.
♪ I sit playing solitaire By the window… ♪
[Donny] So as I arrived at my venue on the outskirts of town and noticed the grubby windows, the sticky floors, the smell of chip fat as I walked in… it felt like everything to me.
Hello.
[woman] Yo.
Can you let me know where to go for the comedy?
Performer or punter?
Performer.
Door over there.
Thank you.
Do you mean, like, a different door, or…
Plug it in in the corner. Shove the table to the side.
What? This is my stage? Here? In with the main bar?
That’s right.
I mean, do the televisions stay on?
[woman sighs] We mute.
And the punters?
You can ask them to leave if you’d like.
Oh no, I couldn’t do that.
They’re here 12 months a year. I’m only here one.
Can you ask them to leave?
No.
I mean, do they even wanna see comedy?
Only one way to find out.
All right. We’d better begin. Yeah.
Come on!
[groaning]
Fucking Edinburgh Fringe!
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the comedy.
Uh, I’m gonna go behind that little wall there and change.
When I shout out, you all go mad and welcome me to the stage.
How does that sound?
[flatly] Woo.
Great. One person.
All right, here goes.
[percussive music plays]
[Donny grunts]
[sighing]
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Donny Dunn!
Wa-hey!
Fucking yes! Let me hear ya! Whoo!
[puffs]
[trills lips]
So my mum died today.
Really? Nothing?
You see, it’s funny opening a show like that when my mum has just died, no?
Antithesis?
[“Catch The Wind” playing]
[Donny] The shows were just awful.
Most days, I had to cancel due to nobody turning up.
One time, I had to end the show early when I was caught in the crosshairs of a stag do.
Give that! Hey, hey!
Here!
[Donny] No, no!
No, please! I need that for the rest of the month.
♪…of your loving mind… ♪
[Donny] Some days, I stood not handing out any flyers
in the hope nobody would come.
I was about a week in, and I felt like the dregs of show business.
Got circumcised the other day. Just had to find scissors big enough.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah?
I’m saying I got a big cock. [laughs awkwardly]
Nothing? No? Really? Okay. That’s fine.
Um… Oh.
Went to the shops for some eggplant. Came back with this.
Bloody hell! He saw me coming, didn’t he?
Yeah? He’s just taped some eggs to a plant.
♪…I’d look, your eyes I’d find… ♪
[Donny] I questioned if I went home, whether anyone would notice, whether anyone would care.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the show!
♪…sweetest thing, would make me sing… ♪
[scattered applause]
♪ Ah, but I may as well try and catch… ♪
I’m gonna be standing by the door with a bucket for your donations. Give what you think the show is worth.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
Ouch.
Better than yesterday, I suppose.
What was yesterday?
A button and a condom.
[laughs]
Here, I’ve got something for you.
Fell out of someone’s wallet last night.
It’s yours if you want it. I know how much you artistes love to schmooze.
[“Spread Your Love” playing]
[man] We had no idea it would ever work when we shot it.
You know the, uh, the scene with the tin-can soldiers?
We shot that on a beach in Lancaster using tinfoil from catering. [chuckles]
We used so much that Benji said he could feel his fillings coming out.
Uh, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but did you work on Cotton Mouth?
Yeah.
Oh my God, I fucking love that show.
What did you do on it?
I was on the writing staff.
Holy shit, do I kiss your feet now?
[chuckles]
Um, look, I’m doing this show up at the Hoppy bar.
Come down and see it if you can.
[man] Uh, “LOL on Cancer.”
Yeah. Yeah, it’s a great title, isn’t it?
We’ll try.
You guys seen anything decent?
[man] See you later.
Yeah.
Fuck.
[sighs]
Wankers, aren’t they?
Yeah, terrible first impression on my part though.
Shocking. You’ll never work in the industry again.
Chance would be a fine thing.
See that guy over there?
Yeah.
He wrote Cotton Mouth. It’s fucking amazing. Have you seen it?
Bits and bobs. Not my thing.
Then you’re mental.
Should be illegal for people to be that young and that successful.
Wanna slip poison in his drink?
Wow, that’s dark.
But yes. [chuckles]
Anyway, the actors made that show.
Couldn’t agree more.
Man, I hate that I care about his opinion.
What do you do?
Uh, I’m a comedian when they laugh, a performance artist when they don’t.
How were they tonight?
They came for the art.
[laughs]
Um, I’m Donny, by the way.
Darrien O’Connor.
Uh, as in…
Cotton Mouth.
What? But… But then who’s…
My writing assistant.
Former writing assistant, now I know he’s stealing my job.
I’m so sorry. All that actor stuff was merely banter.
I knew who you were. The writing was the best bit about that show.
Don’t worry.
[Donny] Fu…
You just said you didn’t like it.
I don’t.
Why would you do a show that you don’t like?
I’m a televisual prostitute. I’ll take whatever anyone gives me.
[chuckles softly]
Well, how about a failing comedian?
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the man who puts the LOL in propranolol…
We’ll probably cut that bit.
…Donny Dunn!
Wa-hey!
Whoa, whoa!
[trills lips]
[imitates explosion]
Whoa, whoa!
Wa-hey! [grunts] Yes!
So my mum died today.
[Darrien laughs]
I guess this is what she would’ve wanted. Me to die with her.
[ripple of laughter]
Um, who wants to meet my friend Percy?
[audience cheer]
All right. Yeah, okay.
This is Percy. We’re a ventriloquist double act.
Hi, Percy, how are you?
I’m good, thanks. You?
[laughter]
What have you been up to today, Percy?
Sucking cock.
[laughter]
Oh, wow, great. Thank you.
Oh, cool!
Thanks for coming.
[woman] Cheers.
Appreciate that.
Jesus, a 20.
I didn’t get a goodbye last night.
So I thought I’d come get it now.
Oh, right. Well, uh, goodbye.
Oh.
No. No, wait. I’m joking. Sorry.
You’re strange.
Am I? Shit.
Don’t worry. I don’t mind a bit of strange.
Let’s talk. Might have a few pointers how to take this show to the next level.
Wow. Yeah. I mean… I mean, that would be great, yeah.
Laters, then.
Yeah. Laters, uh, cowboy.
What the fuck?
[laughing gleefully]
[Donny] Darrien became involved in the show for the next few weeks, giving me advice on bits that were and weren’t working.
…and maintain eye contact.
[Donny] Rehearsing all kinds of hours to whip everything into shape.
[Darrien] Look at me.
Three rows across the front.
[Donny] Soon the televisions were shut off and the chairs faced the right way.
Even the bar staff dismissed customers who dared to ask when the football was on.
No, we’re not showing it today. Try the pub down the road.
[Donny] And the shows just flourished.
[Donny] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage
Donny Dunn!
[cheering]
[Donny] So my mum died today.
[laughter]
Yeah, I suppose this is what she would have wanted.
Me to die with her.
[laughter]
[Donny] Every night, I would go out with Darrien and live life like a celebrity in the main private members’ bar in town, drinking cocktails until the early hours, talking endlessly about the show and what we were gonna do with it when the festival was over.
We need to get you performing this show in London.
[Donny] Darrien was like no one I’d ever met before.
A self-prescribed…
Buddhist, polyamorous pansexual with a taste for the finer things in life.
[Donny] Within two weeks of knowing him, he’d opened my eyes to the kind of excitement I didn’t even know existed.
It’s hard to yell for help chained to a radiator
with a ball gag in your mouth.
[Donny] And as we sat in that private members’ bar and put the world to rights, I felt like I was gliding on the winds of change.
Like this man was dangling some keys to a secret club, and all I needed to do was take his hand and let him guide me.
What are we doing in here?
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
They patrol the toilets.
Oh.
[Darrien pants, sniffs]
[Darrien sniffs]
[Darrien exhales rapidly]
We need to get you writing scripts with me.
Yeah. That would be amazing, yeah.
Are you ready?
Ready for anything, yeah.
Good. Here.
[“Teacher” playing]
[coughs]
Fuck.
[coughs]
[Darrien laughs]
Good lad.
[laughter]
[Donny] But all good things come to an end.
If you think that’s bad, I was so drunk,
I ended up putting the hairnet on my penis.
[laughter]
[Donny] Darrien went back to London early, and I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the festival.
Maybe he was taking a break or on holiday somewhere, but it felt strange.
And as the flyers got binned and the posters came down, the televisions came back on and the football started to play,
I questioned whether it was some crazy dream.
Whether it even happened at all.
That’s it.
Feel like fire flowing through your veins.
Let it take you where it takes you.
[Donny] In the months that followed, I went to acting school in Oxford.
I remember when I got in, I almost broke down crying with happiness.
But following everything that had happened in Edinburgh and despite meeting Keeley, going back to a life of learning seemed like a misstep.
And as I pranced around in a leotard, pretending to be fire… or doing vocal warm-ups…
[all vocalizing]
…or mimicking animals and basically doing anything other than fucking acting, I felt one of those impossible-to-articulate feelings in my stomach.
I missed Darrien.
I missed the confidence he gave me, the feeling of relevancy, of hope that one day my life might actually lead somewhere.
Now, a body in a sea of black, I felt like a nobody again, like I was shrinking from the world just as I developed a taste for it.
Donny.
Coming?
Yeah.
[somber music playing]
[indistinct chattering]
[woman moans]
[woman cries]
[screams and cries]
[cell phone buzzes]
[woman sobs]
[cell phone buzzes]
[woman continues sobbing]
I’m sorry, I gotta take this.
All right, mate? Yeah.
No, it’s great to hear from you.
Yeah. Yeah, no, I’m… I’m… I’m loving it. I’m really enjoying myself.
Um, look, is there a better time to chat? I’m actually in class right now.
What? Are you serious? You want me to write with you?
I mean, yes, mate. A thousand yeses. Of course. I mean…
Donny, what are you playing at? She’s fucking raging in there.
Yeah, I’ll be two seconds, okay? I’ll be two seconds.
Look, I’ve gotta go, but yes, 100%.
[giggles]
[suspenseful music playing]
Donnie Brasco.
Sinéad O’Connor.
[both chuckle]
[Donny] It’s good to see you. You all right?
Yeah. Come in.
Thanks, yeah.
Wow, this place is amazing.
[cat meowing]
Oh, wow, you’ve got a cat.
Fergus. We’re very much in love.
I’m not surprised.
You’re a lovely little fella, aren’t you, Fergus? Hello, mate.
[Fergus purring]
Cup of tea?
Okay, so I’ve actually written up a few scenes and stuff.
Um, nothing major. Still needs a bit of work.
All right.
Sixty pages.
Yeah, didn’t take long.
I tell you what.
Why don’t you give me the gist? Be a good lesson in pitching.
Okay, well, it’s about this guy called Nigel, a high-flying lawyer who decides, at the age of 50, to try his hand at professional wrestling.
That’s quite niche.
Really?
Yeah. Who watches wrestling anymore who’s above the age of six?
Yeah, no. Not me anyway.
Continue.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Anyway, basically, he gets the bug, and he starts wrestling more and more.
Soon he is struggling to keep the balance between his two worlds.
He starts, like, turning up to court cases with black eyes, or he… he’s forgotten to take his makeup off and, um…
Well, so he has this choice to make.
Live his life as a lawyer or Hangman Harry, the mud-stompin’, beer-swillin’, bar-room brawler from Austin, Texas.
Hangman Harry is his wrestling name.
Needs more work.
Oh, but you… you haven’t read it.
I’ll read it when you sell it to me.
I could sit in another room and try…
Do you wanna get high?
[chuckles uneasily]
What, here?
[Darrien] Yeah, why not?
We can go out and grab a drink later. Be like Edinburgh all over again.
Yeah, sure.
[electronic music playing]
[clears throat, coughs]
[sniffs]
Holy shit, you’ve worked with some comedy legends.
What are they like?
Average.
No, you can’t mean that. They’re amazing. [laughs]
I mean, some of them would be in my top five dinner-party guests for sure.
Ever played that game?
You can invite anyone you want for dinner, but you can only pick five.
Ugh, sounds horrible. My home’s a sacred space.
Takes someone very special to be allowed in.
Come on, that’s a cop-out answer. Who would they be?
Well, they wouldn’t be celebrities.
They’d be leaders, gurus, spiritually awake.
That, or me around each place.
[laughs] Six of you at one party. Jesus, I can imagine how many drugs there’d be.
[Donny chuckles]
I’ll tell you mine.
Gervais, Sacha Baron Cohen, Julia Davis, Coogan or Pryor, and, I don’t know, Gandhi or someone because you need to look virtuous.
[laughs]
Do you wanna get really high?
Fuck yeah.
No, like, really high.
Fuck yeah.
What was their secret, by the way?
[Darrien] What do you mean?
What did they all do to get where they are today?
[Darrien] Listen to me.
[laughs]
I’m serious.
They threw themselves into everything I asked of them.
Wow, that’s… that’s awesome.
Here. Come sit next to me.
[Donny clears throat]
What’s all this?
[Darrien] This is a bomb of MDMA.
And this is GHB. It’s a relaxant.
It relaxes you.
Yeah.
Trust me. You haven’t experienced anything like it.
I haven’t experienced anything like you, that’s for sure.
[both chuckle]
Fucking hell. That’s disgusting.
Little pain for a little gain.
[ethereal music playing]
[Donny] The first time I came up was like nothing I’d ever experienced.
It felt like a beam of divine light shone down from space, through Darrien’s roof and into his living room, exactly where I was sitting, as warm Indian Ocean waves passed up and down my body.
And on that couch, Darrien spoke about my talents in the same vein as all my comedy heroes growing up.
You’ve got a big future ahead of you.
A very big future.
[Donny] With every sentence he said and every drug I took, I started to believe it, smell it, taste it, even.
That my dreams were quantifiable.
That I could almost grasp them as they untangled before me.
[Darrien] No time to wait around.
[ethereal music continues]
You don’t mind, do you?
No.
Oh shit.
[coughs]
What?
[unsettling music playing]
[groans]
[Darrien] What’s wrong?
[Donny groans and gags]
[Donny gags]
[unsettling music continues]
[Donny gags] I think I’m gonna puke.
No. Not in the cat bowl.
[gags]
[coughs]
[Darrien] You okay?
[gags]
[Darrien] Let me pat your back.
Oh, thank you. I’m so sorry.
[Donny coughs]
Oh God. I’m so sorry.
[uneasy music playing]
[Donny breathes shakily]
[Darrien breathes heavily]
Stop!
Will almond milk do?
There you go. That’ll sort you out.
I’m really sorry about that.
It’s okay. We’ll go slower next time.
[uneasy music playing]
[cries]
[uneasy music continues]
[Donny] I would love to pretend that’s as far as it went.
[cell phone buzzes]
Hey, mate. How’s it going?
Yeah. Yeah. No, I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m good.
Look, I’m about to go into class, so if it…
What?
What? The channel have Hangman Harry?
Holy shit. They love it? [laughs] That’s fucking… [squeals]
Yeah, yeah, that… that’s incredible. I…
Oh, you want me to…
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, that makes sense.
Yeah. No, sure, yeah. I’ll come.
That’s huge.
Yeah. That’s great. Thank you.
To have a massive channel backing you this early in your career.
[Donny] Darrien took me through everything the channel said, and I beamed from ear to ear as he spoke of series commissions and option periods and all these fabulous things I didn’t understand, that by the time he cracked out the drugs, I said yes without hesitation.
[ethereal music playing]
I thought I’d blown it, you know.
[Darrien] What?
This.
When I threw up.
[Darrien scoffs]
Don’t be silly.
It’d take a lot more than vomit for me to be put off with your talents.
[ethereal music continues]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
If there’s anything I can do…
Just… keep dreaming.
[Donny] Oh.
That’s easy.
[“How to Fight Loneliness” playing]
[Donny] After I’d moved to London with Keeley, I started taking drugs at Darrien’s house almost every weekend.
[Darrien] Here. We’ll start off with the usual MDMA.
[Donny] I had fully drunk the Kool-Aid of his promises, of believing that success was right around the corner.
That I would have my own show by 30.
A millionaire around the same time.
All stuff he said to me before he spoon-fed me the latest chemical.
I went from a guy who had smoked a bit of weed to week-long benders, high on crack.
[Darrien] Chase the high. Don’t be scared.
[Donny] And meth.
[Darrien] You’ll embrace your creative potential.
[Donny] And heroin.
[Darrien] You’re going places.
[Donny] When you take enough to reach that plane where all thought stops and euphoria begins, talk of the future and fame and happiness feel almost as real as the chemicals that flow through your body.
[music fades]
[Donny] It was only a matter of time now, surely.
I passed out many times in his company.
[uneasy music playing]
[Donny] I would often wake to find him lying next to me, his hands and mouth in various places as he searched around my body.
[uneasy music continues]
[Donny] I would stumble to the bathroom and find his putrid spit congealed around my genital area.
[typing]
Then every Monday he was back to his cold, callous self, giving me brutal script notes and making me do overnight rewrites on a comedown, for no money, while I coughed up my latest throat infection.
[coughs]
[Donny] And still I went back.
You’re not spending my birthday with me?
No, I’m going round Darrien’s.
What the hell, Donny? Is this not a little bit strange to you?
I don’t wanna go away with your friends. I can’t fucking afford it.
So instead you’re going to an old writer’s house to take drugs.
I know it doesn’t make sense to you. But he’s helping me with my career.
What’s he done? You’ve worked in a bar since you came to London.
You do everything for him for free.
I don’t have time for this conversation.
[Donny] That night, Darrien presented me with acid.
I’ll take half of one. You take one and a half.
I’ll act as your guide so you feel safe.
[ethereal music playing]
[Darrien] Let the music take you where it wants to.
[ethereal music continues]
[African percussive music playing]
[Donny] I sometimes think back to this image, me, mid-twenties, sitting high as a kite, watching this 55-year-old man dancing this odd Amazonian jig in front of me, when somebody asks me the question,
“How did you get into comedy?”
[African percussive music continues]
[Darrien] Keep telling me what you’re seeing.
Shimmering colors. The… outline of something.
So I’m a phoenix right now?
Is that what you’re seeing?
It’s important that you see me as something strong.
A phoenix. A knight.
Maybe one of those wrestlers that you like.
[Donny] Suddenly, seemingly from nowhere, this clear, strong thought entered my head.
“He’s trying to control your mind.”
What’s wrong?
[Donny] “This man is bad. This situation is bad. Get out now.”
Fuck!
Fuck!
[Darrien] What’s the matter?
What’s wrong?
I can’t see. All I can see is white.
It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s rebirth.
I can’t see. I can’t fucking see.
You’re safe with me.
[Donny yells]
[Donny] My subconscious, that I’d been repressing this entire time, had reared its head to shine the most obvious light on a fucked-up situation.
[Donny whimpers]
[African percussive music continues]
What’s happening to you?
This is bad. I’m being told this is bad.
It’s paranoia.
Fight against it.
Turn the music off.
It’s off, it’s off.
Agh, fuck!
[groans] Fuck!
[music continues]
Oh fuck!
The fucking… Oh God! The fucking music!
[music continues]
[Donny yells]
Agh, fuck!
[Darrien] Have this.
[Donny] No.
[Darrien] It’ll help take the edge off.
You’ve had it before. It relaxes you.
[Donny breathes shakily]
[unsettling music playing]
No. No, try to keep it in.
Swallow. Swallow.
[groans]
[Darrien] That’s good. That’s good.
[Donny yells]
That was strong! That was strong!
Okay. Okay.
There.
Breathe into my hand. Breathe.
[Donny breathes deeply]
[unsettling music continues]
[Darrien] It’s okay.
It’s okay. This is part of it.
It’s all part of it.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[Donny groans]
[uneasy music playing]
[Donny groans]
[Darrien] Shh.
Relax.
Relax.
[uneasy music continues]
[Donny groans]
[Donny groans]
[Darrien] It’s fine.
[groans] No.
[groans]
[uneasy music continues]
[music fades]
[gasps]
[coughs and wheezes]
[coughing and wheezing continues]
[Donny groans]
[Darrien grunts]
No.
[Darrien grunts]
[Donny groans]
[uneasy music playing]
How’d you find it?
You should shower. A wash in warm water will do you good.
[uneasy music continues]
[yells] Fuck!
[groans]
[moans]
[moans]
[knocking on door]
[Darrien] Can I come in?
Come here.
[water continues running]
[Donny] I would love to say I left.
That I stormed out and never went back. But I stayed for days afterwards.
In fact, come Monday, I got an eye infection and lay on his floor as he bathed it in salt water.
On Tuesday, I fed his cat while he took phone calls.
On Wednesday, I finally went home.
[melancholy music playing]
Hey, what’s wrong?
Oh, nothing. I just feel bad for how we left things.
[Donny] What bothered me most was the not knowing.
What happened all those moments I passed out?
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Yeah.
[Donny] Did he ever believe in me, or was this whole thing preplanned manipulation?
Was he sober the entire time?
And what was he getting from it? Was it simply a desire to corrupt?
To achieve whatever his sick mind wanted to achieve?
Was that the turn-on, to ruin my life?
Uh, look, do you wanna watch something instead? I’m… I’m not feeling it.
[Keeley] No, shut up.
I… I… I’m sorry. It’s… it’s… it’s just not happening today.
[Keeley sighs]
It didn’t happen yesterday either.
Maybe I need to take a break from it all.
What? A break from sex or from me?
[sighs]
Wow.
Okay.
[door slams]
[uneasy music playing]
[Donny] After Keeley moved out, I fell to pieces.
Now all that was left to do was stare at the memory of what happened.
I started to feel this overwhelming sexual confusion crashing through my body.
I thought it might pass, but it became an insecurity, which grew into a raging madness within me.
I could never tell whether these feelings were because of him or whether they always existed deep down.
Did it all happen because I was giving off some vibe I wasn’t aware of?
Or did what happen make me this way?
I would feel like everyone who looked at me could see what I was going through.
Like they were peering into my soul,
seeing the rape and the doubts and the confusion.
Like my eyes were these windows onto the most tightly-held secret of my life.
I would dream of killing him, chopping his cock off or his tongue out, whichever had done me the most damage, and burning his body to the ground.
So after months of hate and anger and confusion,
I was left with no choice.
[uneasy music continues]
[moaning on laptop]
[Donny] Oh, fuck.
[Donny] I orgasmed quickly, in such a way that there was no denying my desires were shifting.
Every day, the laptop called me to it.
I felt confused. I felt angry.
I felt like I was going through puberty all over again.
[uneasy music continues]
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Donny] I started having reckless sex with people of all genders in this desperate pursuit of the truth.
I would put myself in fucked-up situations where I’d almost risk being raped again in this attempt to understand the first time.
Like if I’m passed around like a whore, then I might at least shed this idea that my body is part of me somehow.
[uneasy music continues]
[Donny] Like who cares if it happened before?
It’s happened a ton of times now, so what does it matter?
[grunting]
[Donny] But it mattered.
It mattered because this is what he wanted.
This is what he saw in me all along.
Then a feeling so bitter I could almost catch it in my throat.
That he’d been vindicated somehow.
[laughter]
[Donny] Now I was stuck, surrounded by pilsner misogynists so heteronormative I could do nothing but crave their approval.
♪ One is the loneliest number That you’ll ever do… ♪
[woman] It was the stormiest weather.
So many times I’ve been to Mallorca. It’s beautiful.
You can have these all-inclusive things where you just…
Everything is for free. Like, everything.
[Donny] Dates and relationships by the dozen.
All of which started off in the gutter of what happened.
…but I think I’m gonna stick with…
[Donny] I wasn’t interested in love. I had no capacity for it anymore.
I just wanted these people to provide fucking answers.
You know in Mallorca, when they ask if you want to do aqua aerobics?
You don’t need to ask me five million times…
Excuse me, sorry. Can I… I’m just gonna nip to the bathroom.
I’ll be right back, yeah?
♪ The loneliest number… ♪
[Donny] As I spurned and alienated every single one of them.
You could do a 360, screech around the place, just zoom off.
♪ That you’ll ever know… ♪
A lot of people, they’ve gone back to shooting film now.
I think I’m just gonna stick to digital.
[Donny] Until I met…
♪ Now I spend my time ♪
♪ Just making rhymes of yesterday… ♪
Hey.
You’re cuter in person than you are online.
[chuckles softly]
Honestly, some of the dates I’ve been on, the guys turn up 15 years older than their profile picture. [chuckles]
[Donny] She was everything I wanted. Everything I needed.
Smart, funny, confident, strong.
Come back with me tonight.
[Donny] But with every hand-hold or lingering stare came a crushing sense of anger and shame that I was falling in love with her, that I couldn’t hide in anonymity anymore.
Just don’t tell Tony.
♪ The loneliest number That you’ll ever do… ♪
[Donny] And, perhaps most bitter of all, that I might not feel this way if he hadn’t done what he did.
But when Martha turned up, all that confusion faded… as she reached, seemingly without effort, into the darkest pockets of my insecurity and turned them to light.
Should be illegal to have your bone structure too. [chuckles]
They should tax you for it. Man tax.
[Donny] Martha saw me the way I wanted to be seen.
♪ One is the loneliest number… ♪
[Donny] So when it came to the point of going to the police, I just couldn’t stand the irony of reporting her but not him.
Can I help you?
[Donny] There was always a sense that she was ill, that she couldn’t help it, whereas he was a pernicious, manipulative groomer.
To admit to her was to admit to him.
And I hadn’t admitted him to anyone yet.
So when the policeman asked…
Why’d it take you so long to report it?
I don’t know.
[officer] Go home, look through her emails, and when you find something of significance, come back.
Until then, unless we see some proper evidence, there’s nothing we can do.
[Donny] And with that, I was back to square one.
♪ One is the loneliest number That you’ll ever do ♪
♪ One is the loneliest number That you’ll ever know ♪
♪ One is the loneliest number ♪
♪ One is the loneliest number ♪
♪ One is the loneliest number That you’ll ever do ♪
♪ One is the loneliest number ♪
♪ Much, much worse than two ♪
♪ One is a number divided by two ♪
♪ One ♪
[music fades]
