Sam Morril: I Got This (2020) – Transcript

Sam Morril compares wearing a condom to doing volunteer work, wonders if murderers critique each other’s work and recalls befriending a vigilante in Cleveland.
Sam Morril: I Got This (2020)

Sam Morril second one-hour special “I Got This” was released on the Comedy Central Stand-Up YouTube page in February 2020.

(audience cheering)

Okay. Thank you for coming out in horrible weather for this. I appreciate it.

This is a good thing. It’s a good time to be alive. Great time to be a man, right? The bar is nice and low. (audience laughing) It’s nice. I was with a girl the other night. She said, “I don’t think we should have sex.” I was like, oh, that’s cool. And then she goes, “Wow, you’re a great guy.” (audience laughing) I was like, that’s all it takes? (audience laughing) I’m pretty sure the alternative is a felony. I don’t know if I’m a great guy, but I’ll take it. I had a good mom growing up, you know? Ever since I was a little kid, my mom would say, “No means no,” and she was talking about cookies, but I put it together, you know?

I met a girl after a show in Florida. I’m not bragging, but I do pretty well in Tampa, (audience laughing) and… she said, “I’ll drive you back to your hotel, “but there’s no way that I’m coming upstairs.” I said, whatever you want to do is fine with me. So, in the parking lot, we’re making out. She said, “All right, I’ll come upstairs, “but there is no way that you’re getting laid.” And I was like, am I being recorded right now? (audience laughing) This feels like a #MeToo sting operation. (audience laughing) So, very loudly into her chest, I said, that’s totally cool. (audience laughing) This is Sam Morril, March 22nd, 2018. (audience laughing) Timestamp.

No, I like consent. Consent is the shit. Consent, that’s the best part, the consent. Sometimes I get the consent and then I just, I go home and I jack off instead. (audience laughing) Get a good eight hours of sleep. (audience laughing) And my friends asked, “Did you get laid last night?” And I say, no, but I got the consent, so, pretty cool.

No, I take the #MeToo movement very seriously. I won’t even watch office porn anymore. That’s how… (audience laughing) You can laugh. It’s a nice gesture, it is, you know. I used to like office porn, but now I see it and I’m like, he should not have done that. (audience laughing) There should be a guy that comes on at the end like, yeah, he doesn’t work here anymore. That was crazy.

There was this gay porn star. I was reading about this guy. That’s how I know this. (audience laughing) And he… I do a lot of reading. And he got banned from all these porn sites because he has Nazi tattoos on his chest, which you gotta be kind of a scumbag for porn sites to be like this doesn’t really align with our values. (audience laughing) We’re kind of a family here at, and… We’re disappointed.

It was hard for me to come out tonight, you know? It’s not the weather, it’s my neighbors are breaking up, but I didn’t want to miss it, you know? It sounds very painful for them, so I don’t feel good about it, but have you ever heard a relationship unravel from the comfort of your own couch? (audience laughing) It’s kind of nice. I’ll be watching the game and I hear the fight start and I have to hit mute so I can listen. (audience laughing) I was watching tennis and I just overheard her go, “Oh, yeah?” and I was like click. (audience laughing) She just yells out, “You have a tiny dick.” And I was like, cancel my plans. (audience laughing) This is more important. And then he goes, “Oh, yeah? “You’re a fucking bitch.” And I was like all right, so far she’s winning for sure, you know? Not even close. And then she goes, “Oh, yeah? “Your dick is so small…” So, she’s recycling material, but, still a devastating blow, you know? Not easy to come back from. And then he yells out, “Oh, yeah? “Well, your pussy stinks.” And I was like, all right, we got a match on our hands here. (audience laughing) And it’s going back and forth so much, it almost starts to sync up with the tennis match where it’s like tiny dick, stinky pussy. Tiny dick, Stinky pussy. So, finally, I had to knock on the door. I said, hey, it’s Sam from across the hall. Long-time listener, first-time knocker. (audience laughing) You guys are killing it. I wore a little referee shirt. I said both of you should drop your pants. I’ll settle this right now, you know?

(audience laughing)

Breakups, man, they’re painful, right? They don’t feel good. I got a text from my ex not too long ago. Out of the blue, she wrote, “Just so you know, “I’m seeing this new guy.” And I wrote back, oh, wow, okay. And then she wrote, “What, you didn’t think “I was ever gonna date ever again?” And I said, no, I didn’t remember signing up for the push notifications, you know? (audience laughing) I’d like to hear less from you and the HuffPo if possible. (audience laughing) But neither of you will leave me be.

(audience laughing)

You know, the problem is we have sex ed when we’re kids, but we need relationship ed. That’s where we need the help. I don’t need help with how to put a condom on. I need help with what to do when she starts packing her . (audience laughing) That’s where I need the guidance. She’s like, I don’t love you anymore. And I’m like, cool, Coach Mitchell did not cover this part, but I could show you where the is. She’s like now’s not a good time. I’m like, keep me posted.

I wear a condom every time. You have to. It’s not fun, but you gotta do it. It’s like doing volunteer work. (audience laughing) ‘Cause during, I’m like this kind of shucks, but then afterwards, I’m always thinking good for me. (audience laughing) Yeah. I do it for the kids, that’s why, you know? (audience laughing) Gotta wear a condom. It’s not the best, but you know. Lambskin, anyone do a lambskin condom? Yeah, you do it? What do you think? You like it? It’s so much better? It is, yeah, no one else? It’s just me and her? We’re the only shepherds in the house tonight? What happened? (audience laughing) It is good, right? It feels better. Here’s how you do it if you don’t know. You in a lambskin, and then you eat a gyro, and then you go out in a wool sweater. You gotta use the entire animal. That’s how you do it.

I feel bad in relationships ’cause I’m very disappointing, you know? I really am. I think women are like, he’s a comic, he’ll be fun. I’m fun. There’s other stuff. I’m like the Dominican Republic, you know? I’m great for like five days, and then… (audience laughing) Then I go this has some problems I was not aware of. (audience laughing) I’m not Haiti, but I’m in the vicinity of what that is.

Weird time. And I feel for you women. Look, the #MeToo stuff, I get it. It’s a very emotional issue. It’s also a very important issue. It’s a weird combo, though. You know, sometimes I’ll see posts that as a man, it doesn’t fully resonate. I saw a post the other day that said, there’s nothing more feared than an intelligent woman. I was like that’s not true. (audience laughing) That’s not even in my top five. (audience laughing) And I frighten easily, but I’ve never been on the subway at two in the morning and been like, oh no. (audience laughing) This looks like a pack of valedictorians right here. (audience laughing) Hope they’re not summa cum laude.

(audience laughing)

So much has changed. It’s kind of crazy if you think about it. I think about some of these movies from the ’80s, these sex comedies like Porky’s or Revenge of the Nerds. I love those movies. They always had that scummy best friend. You know the guy I’m talking about? He’d always ask questions like, “Did you get laid last night?” If he said no, he’d be like, “This guy blew it.” I miss that character ’cause it’s gonna be extinct. They’re gonna remake these movies. They’re gonna have to write in a woke best friend. Some guy like, “Did you smash last night?” Nah, we just talked. And he’s like, “Well, sometimes a conversation “is equally fulfilling, so…” (audience laughing) That’s kind of cool. A lot’s changed. Some of it’s for the better, obviously. I remember in college not that long ago, they would say things like don’t go to that frat house. They roofie. That’s a thing they would say out loud. And I’d be, oh my God, should we do something? Like, no, just don’t go there. (audience laughing) That’s it?

(audience laughing)

I got roofied at a party in college by accident, but you know, it still counts. Obviously, it was an accident. No one at the party was like I’m gonna roofie that hairy boy over there. Let me… (audience laughing) Let me a passed-out werewolf tonight. (audience laughing)

That is male privilege right there, isn’t it? I just told a room full of people I got roofied. I did not see one concerned face in here. (audience laughing) Everyone in here is like I assume things worked out for you, and they did. Still weird, though.

Here’s what happened. I was at a party and this guy handed a girl a drink, and she said, “I’m too drunk.” And I said, I’ll drink it. And he gave me this hateful look, and I thought, why is this guy so mad at me? And then I chugged it, and I woke up the next morning, and I was like oh. That guy’s a sexual predator. (audience laughing) And my friend said you ruined his night. And I was like, that’s not how I want to think about it, you know? (audience laughing) You don’t want to think of yourself as a -block to some monster. (audience laughing) I prefer to think of myself as an accidental hero. (audience laughing) I have a negative-one rapes, so, you know. Statistically, you know… I can’t, you guys. I can’t take all the credit, you know? It’s kind of like if I was driving drunk and I just swerved and accidentally hit a mugger. (audience laughing) And some woman is like, “My hero,” and I’m like if you say so, but I might have a substance abuse problem, so…

It’s hard not to drink man. It’s very hard. I work in a place where there’s a bar every night. I’ve been trying to be good. It’s very difficult. I read this article that said try to replace drinking with another activity like tennis with a friend. I was like, yeah, that’s a very helpful example. That’s always the crossroads I find myself at at 4:57 a.m. I can’t tell you how often I’m coming out of a blackout like I should have done doubles instead. That’s… I brought my Wilson racket and everything. You tell me to replace an addiction with cardio, that’s very helpful. I’m gonna start walking into halfway houses full of crack heads like have you guys done Zumba? (audience laughing) It’s so much better than crack. (audience laughing) They’re like, thanks, we didn’t know. That was helpful. Of course you want to get fucked up. Have you tried living? (audience laughing) I’m happy and I want to get fucked up. Have you watched the news? It makes you want to drink. Another mass shooting after another mass shooting. It’s always the same thing, too. It’s always some guy who’s like I heard voices in my head. We all do. (audience laughing) Everyone hears voices in their head. Good people just don’t listen to them. If I listened to all the voices in my head, I would be a sometimes-gay street fighter, so… (audience laughing) I know. It sounds like a confusing video game. It’s not, you know? Why is E. Honda butt-fucking me? Wow. That’s his finisher.

(audience laughing)

Every mass shooter, it was a very quiet man. That should be part of the background check for guns, right? You want this gun, you better be chatty. (audience laughing) Do my podcast. We’ll see if you’re an extrovert. I don’t trust it. (audience laughing)

It’s a sad time to live in. There’s school shootings now. It’s horrible, ’cause now getting held back is a real threat. (audience groaning) Do you want to go to summer school? Please, I’ve already done two tours of freshman year. I don’t want to… Some of these jokes, the content you’re not gonna like, but structurally, they’re gonna be really solid. So, that helps. It does help with it. Look, these shootings are so senseless and horrible that sometimes these anchors try to make sense of them on the news and they try to sound profound. It just comes out wrong. I was watching this guy after a shooting, and he said now would be a good time to be around people. I was like, yeah, that sounds a lot like where the tragedy happened, so I’mma stay at home alone. (audience laughing) And if I die, it’s gonna be from autoerotic asphyxiation, okay? On my terms. (audience laughing) That’s a better way to… That’s how I want to go. Peacefully in my own hotel closet. (audience laughing)

That’s a weird fetish, right? Autoerotic asphyxiation. You gotta choke yourself to come? I don’t know. How do you even find out you’re into that? Are you just jerking off in a turtleneck, and you’re like, hmm… (audience laughing) I like where this is going. A little more presh…

(audience laughing)

I was just in California. They have a 10-day wait for the guns. That’s a good rule. A gun should never be an impulse buy. You should never be returning a gun like we made up, so… (audience laughing) You know what’s weird? They always bring up the founding fathers. Every gun debate, they bring up the founding fathers, right? They always say, “The founding fathers had guns.” They did. They also had wigs. (audience laughing) It was a long time ago. That’s how long ago it was. They thought a powdered wig was a good look, so… That’s my stance on guns. You could have a gun, but I think you should have to wear the wig. (audience laughing) Right? ‘Cause at least then, I can tell who’s dangerous from afar. If I’m trying to get into my apartment at two a.m. and I turn around and see a Ben Franklin-looking motherfucker, I just hope that’s not an intelligent woman, honestly. (audience laughing) Yeah. If you got to go in the hood, it’s gonna look like the cast of Hamilton, but… (audience laughing) They always bring up the founding fathers.

They never mention the fact these people had a life expectancy of the mid-30s, so it probably wasn’t a big deal when they got shot. I would assume most funerals were like, look, he had three to five years left, tops, so. That’s like getting shot now in your 80s, which would almost be kind of cool. (audience laughing) How would you rather die? Connected to tubes for three months? Would you rather go out like a G? (audience laughing) I wanna die in my 80s in a gang-related incident. (audience laughing) I want my obituary to say, “Comedian Sam Morril was shot dead today at the age of 87.” (audience laughing) His last words: “Thug life”… (audience laughing) as he emptied the clip.

There’s so much to be scared of, too, isn’t there? Incels, there are new words you have to learn. Incels. The involuntary celibate. So, they don’t get laid, so they become terrorists, and they look a lot like me. It’s very upsetting. (audience laughing) That’s a certain type of person, ’cause I have married friends that don’t get laid. They haven’t made the jump to ISIS, but maybe they should. ISIS lacks that type of diversity. They don’t have enough divorced men. (audience laughing) Just a bunch of dudes, “Death to the infidels,” and one guy like, “Also Karen.” “I mean, we gotta kill Karen, too, right?”

You ever read the botched terrorist missions? Those are my favorites, the ones who couldn’t cut it? There were these guys around 9-11. They were getting too drunk at strip clubs in Florida. I love the fact that you can come to this country hating us, and then you go to a few strip clubs, and you’re like, they’re not that bad. (audience laughing) It turned out to be a false report, though, because they said they were going to strip clubs and dive bars and even college parties. I was like, oh, man, that’s such a bummer, because that’s where you want to meet a terrorist, at like a mixer. (audience laughing) They’re like, we used to be Al-Qaeda. Now we’re Sigma Chi, so… (audience laughing) The objective is still virgins, but, you know…

(audience laughing)

I think about it all the time. I think about all these scary ways you could die traveling. I read this story about a depressed pilot who nose-dove a plane and killed all these people on-board, so, you know, that’s gotta be a bummer. You know what the first thing I say when I get on flights now is I say, what a lovely day it is to be alive, and I just hope that positive energy trickles it way into the cockpit, and they’re like, yeah, it is good. ‘Cause I’ll be on flights sometimes, and the pilot comes on. He’s cheesy and people roll their eyes, but that’s what you want. (audience laughing) That guy’s still trying. (audience laughing) What do you want, a down-in-the-dumps captain? Hey, this is your pilot. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but you know, that’s life. It’s hard, so… (audience laughing) Says it’s gonna be a six-hour trip. We’re gonna land way sooner than that, so… Buckle up or don’t. I doesn’t matter. I’m gonna murder you. (audience laughing) Thanks for flying Spirit.

(audience laughing)

Depression, man, the depression is real. It really is. Someone sent me a very helpful article on depression recently. It said these are the foods you gotta eat if you’re depressed, which, thank God. If you’re at that point, just end it. Honestly, has that ever turned it around for anyone? I was gonna jump off a roof, but then I ate some dried mangoes, and I’m feeling good. They find your corpse on the sidewalk. I don’t understand. He ate so many cashews. Why would he…

(audience laughing)

I’m not built for air travel. I’m six-three, I’m lanky. I’m kind of weak, you know. I got a middle seat on my way back from L.A. recently. I get up to use the bathroom. I come back. The guy in the aisle is sleeping, which is very annoying, ’cause you knew I was coming back. (audience laughing) There’s no skydiving option on-board, okay? I had to return. And now I have to make a decision. Do I wake him up and piss him off? Or do I mount? (audience laughing) I think I’m more flexible than I am so I elected to mount. (audience laughing) And I have just horrible lateral balance. I did not stick the landing. My leg comes down on his leg. I’m on top of the guy. As I’m on top, I see his little sleeping mask come up. (audience laughing) What do you do, you know? I kissed him on the mouth. That’s what I did, you know. There was nothing sexual about it. It was a Godfather II Fredo kiss. I said, “I knew it was you.” (audience laughing) Mostly ’cause you were sitting here before, but…

No, I’m not built for this travel-type lifestyle. It’s not working for me. I had to see a sports medicine doctor about my back and he gave me muscle relaxers. I said, “Hey, can I drink on these?” And he said, “Absolutely.” (audience laughing) I was like, “Are you sure?” and he said, “I do,” and I was like that wasn’t the question. (audience laughing) I said, “Are you sure it’s not gonna mess my liver up?” He said, “It’ll it up real bad. “It’ll be all right.” He’s not my doctor anymore, but we do hang out. He’s cool. (audience laughing) This guy texts me all the time. He texted me the other day, “Yo, what the fuck is up?” And I was like what medical school did you go to? (audience laughing) I’m gonna guess the Cayman Islands, you know. He tells me to swim at the rec center because of my back. I love it. I love the rec center. I don’t know if you ever been there. As a Jew, it’s fantastic. It’s just old Jews and Japanese men. If you had it bad during World War II, this is your spot, okay? Fantastic. Every time I go swimming, there is a morbidly obese woman on a noodle. She’s just floating horizontally across the lap lanes, and we just swim around her like she’s not there. (audience laughing) Part of the rec center code. And I can tell when there’s a new guy ’cause he looks confused, and I say, “That’s Cathy. (audience laughing) “I go right, you go left. “We’ve developed a system.” Then on the wall, it says “Rule Number One, “no swimming with diarrhea,” which I’m like, all right. (audience laughing) I agree. I kinda wish it weren’t Rule Number One. (audience laughing) I don’t know who that rule is for the most, the most motivated human who’s ever lived? (audience laughing) Some guy at home like, ugh. I’m still going, but… (audience laughing) “Rule Number Two: “Must wait two weeks after having diarrhea “to swim in the pool,” and I was like, all right, right out of the gate, mostly diarrhea-related rules, you know? Clearly, there’s an incident that we’re dancing around here. You know you didn’t pick a first-rate exercise facility when all the rules are like could you not shit on our stuff? It’s been a problem.

(audience laughing)

I love this place. Everything about it’s off. I went to the bathroom. I knock on the door, and the guy in the bathroom yells out, “Who is it?” (audience laughing) That’s not what you’re supposed to say. (audience laughing) You’re supposed to say, “I’m in here.” You’re not supposed to be expecting company (audience laughing) in the men’s rec room bathroom. (audience laughing) But I figured I’d give it a shot, so I said, “It’s Sam,” and he goes, “No.” (audience laughing) That was the right answer.

(audience laughing)

You’re gonna hate this next joke, but I’mma do it anyway. (audience laughing) This is how bad my back was. I read a headline in the paper that said graveyard worker had sex with over 100 dead bodies, and my first thought was that is a lot of digging. You know? (audience laughing) I know that’s a horrible person, but that’s also an unattainable fitness goal for me, and I would kill for that core strength. (audience laughing) How much true crime is there gonna be? Are you guys watching this like me? It’s so addictive, yeah. Give it up for all these murderers for all this great content. You keep killing, we’ll keep watching, that’s what I say.

I don’t want to point fingers here, but you women are getting murdered at an alarming rate. I don’t know if you’re paying attention. I would recommend never going home with us ever. If a woman goes home with you, she really trusts you, or she’s taking a chance, you know? So whenever I open the door, I always turn to her and I say, hey, thanks for rolling the dice, you know? I appreciate it. That’s all I watch is murder and standup. I’ve been doing this for a while. I see comics sometimes on Netflix. I’m like, this guy fucking stinks. I wonder if murderers watch true crime like, this is pretty disappointing. (audience laughing) Three murders in five years? I should be the one on television.

(audience laughing)

We all do it, but we’re getting desensitized. You ever just watch four straight episodes of Law & Order: SVU and it hits you, like, that was probably too much rape for a Sunday? I don’t know. (audience laughing) I’m not even paying attention. I’m folding laundry and I’m thinking, when did this become background noise in my life? I should not be consuming SVU like it’s smooth jazz, you know? The darkest plots you’ve ever seen, I’m watching one, the mom’s pushing her baby in the stroller. She turns around for a sec then turns back around. The baby’s gone. That’s not even bad parenting. That’s incredibly efficient kidnapping, by the way. You got to give credit where credit’s due, ’cause she was crying, “I’m a horrible mother,” and I was like, no, you ran into one of the greats. (audience laughing) That was like the Steph Curry of abduction. That was pretty flawless.

See it on these dating sites, too. I read this article. It said that you gotta be careful on dating apps now because there are these gangs that’ll post pictures of really hot women, and then you show up on the date and they just rob and beat the out of you. That’s gotta be a bummer, ’cause it already sucks when it doesn’t look like the picture. That’s gotta suck extra. You show up for your date at two a.m. at the bridge, and… (audience laughing) eight dudes are walking toward you, and you’re like, Kathleen?

(audience laughing)

I was in an Uber right after a breakup. You ever just overshare with the driver? He said, “How are you?” I said, “Ah, I had this breakup.” He said, “Let me tell you some about breakups,” and the second he said that, I thought I might have fucked up. (audience laughing) He said, “You now what I did when my girlfriend left?” and I said, “What?” He’s like, “I fucked everyone. “You think that helped?” And I said, “No,” and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) All right. He said, “You know what else I did? “I called her up, I told her all about it. “You think that helped?” and I said, “God, no,” and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) And I said, “I’m gonna stop guessing “because you’re very unpredictable.” (audience laughing) Went on for 20 more minutes. I finally got out of the car. I was like, “Do you think that was helpful for me at all?” and he said, “Probably not,” and I said, “It was.”

(audience laughing)

One of the hard things about dating now is a lot of younger people are meaner. They’re very mean. That’s how they flirt. I think it’s called negging. I was talking to a girl after a show and my poster was up, and she goes, “Wow, you look really ugly in that picture.” I said, “Oh, that’s not very nice,” and she goes, “You’re a comedian.” I said, “Yeah, I’m also a human being, so.” (audience laughing) I enjoy pleasant conversation as well. And I was wearing a striped sweater, so she goes, “Nice sweater, did you wear it on purpose “or did you escape a pris-on?” She said, “pris-on.” (audience laughing) Which kind of bugged me. I was like, “I feel like you don’t know “a lot about pris-on.” (audience laughing) I said, “I’d like to escape this conversation.” She said, “That’s all you got?” And I said, “I have to be meaner to you to communicate?” She said, “Hit me with your best shot, Mr. Comedian.” I said, “Rather not.” She said, “Come on.” I said, “All right, you’re very pretty and I’m very lonely, “and I would still rather masturbate than pursue this. (audience laughing) “So, yeah.” So, we’re back and my place, and you know, yeah. It works, negging works, I’ll tell you. It really does. I was making out with her and it hit me, I don’t even like this person. I’m thinking, what am I doing? I’m making out with her, and I said, “Maybe we should stop.” And she goes, “What, you’re rejecting me?” And I said, “I don’t think this is a good idea,” and she said, “I’m really turned on now “that you’re saying no to me,” and I said, “You seem like a pretty unhealthy person.” (audience laughing) She said, “No one’s ever rejected me. “This is the most turned on I’ve ever been.” I said, “Well then, you’re gonna be super hot “for this Uber I just called you, okay? “Hopefully get the guy I got. “He loves to fuck.”

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

I went on a date with a girl. She told me her last boyfriend was 60, which I thought was kind of shocking. I said, “That’s a pretty big age gap.” She said, “Let me tell you something. “There’s no difference between a 30-year-old dick”and a 60-year-old dick,” and I said, “I haven’t done the research, “but I feel like there is.” I’m gonna go with temperament. I think that’s the difference. A young is like an intern, up at the crack of dawn, over-eager, down for whatever. An old dick is like a CEO. He’s like, this better be important, okay? (audience laughing) I don’t have a lot of time. So, we’re on the date, we’re making out in the bar. She starts going underneath my pants, just looks me dead in the eye and goes, “Why aren’t you erect?” I was like, “Erect, what are you, a transformer? “Who talks like that? “I’ll tell you why, ’cause we’re kissing and I’m not 14. “Have you seen the shit that’s out there? (audience laughing) “You want to get me hard, “tell me you’re a dental assistant “and your husband’s coming home in five minutes. “Then we’ll talk, you know?”

(audience laughing)

I watch too much porn, so, I do. I’m aware of it. You notice it while you’re having sex sometimes. Like, if we’re having sex and it was good, and while we’re doing it, I just said, “I will eat your butt,” and she said, “You don’t have to do that,” and I was like, “Thank you.” (audience groaning) I overextended myself. Thanks for catching that one and reeling us back in.

This porn is just not good. It’s all these dark topics. I saw a taboo link on a porn site, so I clicked on it, and it was incest porn. I was like, all right, you called my bluff. That is taboo. Then the next one was interracial, and I was like, they should divide these up a little better. I don’t know. What kind of racist porn site…

Every porn category is just shit you should never do, right? Like fuck your best friend’s mom. That’s rude. (audience laughing) Blackmail your boss; it’s a place of business. It’s criminal, you know? We need some positive porn categories to rewire us. We need categories like couple that’s been together for a while, fucks after autism benefit. You’d be like, all right, well… (audience laughing) I’m not glad I jerked off at two p.m., but they raised a lot of money for those kids, you know? Instead of the money shot, it’s just a link that says donate now.

(audience laughing)

This side of the room is really fuckin into that joke, huh? (audience laughing) And this side of the room is Christian. (audience laughing) They were raised well.

I don’t know, man, I’m happy I’m doing this is New York, you know, ’cause I’ve been on the road a lot. (audience cheering) No, I’m not… I’m not (coughing) pander, so… (audience laughing) No, I’m useless on the road. I can’t drive. I can drive, but if you were in a car with me, you’d be like pull over, I’mma drive. This is not good. I’m bad and reckless. That’s a bad combo. You ever get cut off by a reckless driver, then you catch up with ’em, you gotta see what they look like? It doesn’t matter what race or gender. Every time I see what they look like, I’m always like, “I fucking knew it.” (audience laughing) Could just be a white guy, I’m like, “Classic.” This is a classic white motherfucker. Takes what he wants, contributes nothing to society. I’m only gonna do the example for white people, but, you know. (audience cheering) Don’t want you to get uneasy.

I heard a guy yell at a cab driver the other day. He said, “Learn the language.” That’s messed up, right? And guess what? It’s sometimes nice when they don’t know the language, right? You ever call a car to the airport at five a.m. and you get a little Korean guy? Like, oh, this might be a nice quiet ride. (audience laughing) Then you get on the highway and he’s like, “Weather’s weird,” and you’re like, fuuuck. (audience laughing) This jackoff learned the language.

(audience laughing)

I’m a Yellow Cab man. I don’t like Lyft or Uber. It’s not my thing. You know why? ‘Cause you rate them, they rate you. You’re both on your best behavior. It feels like a first date. (audience laughing) Even they way they pick you up feels like a blind date, right? They’re like, “Are you Sam?” and I’m like, “Yes.” (audience laughing) I like a Yellow Cab. It feels like a marriage. Neither of you are trying at all. (audience laughing) The second you get in, he’s mid-conversation on speakerphone. (audience laughing) I’m in the backseat eating Caribbean street food. (audience laughing) We’re both hammered, you know? (audience laughing) No one’s putting on airs. You ask him, “Hey, can you drop me right “in the front of my apartment?” He’s like, “Nah.” I respect that. (audience laughing) Good for you, holding your ground there.

I did nothing all day, man. I did nothing. I watched the news. I saw an anti-smoking ad. It’s weird that they can do anti-smoking ads, but you can’t do pro-cigarette commercials. Isn’t that weird? They don’t give ’em a rebuttal. (audience laughing) And I’m not like a big cigarette guy, but I like one when I’m drunk sometimes. It’s nice. I thought of a good pro-cigarette commercial. How ’bout this for like a casual smoker? A hot girl walks up to a guy in the bar and asks to bum a cigarette, and he goes, oh, I don’t smoke. So then she goes outside and bums them from another guy, and they go home together and they fuck and that’s the whole commercial. (audience laughing) There at the end, it just says, “Wouldn’t kill you to carry a pack,” you know? (audience laughing) Marlboro: Just in Case.

All right, I got some momentum. Let’s break out the abortion jokes. (audience laughing) If there was ever a time. My friend just had one, and her boyfriend didn’t contribute to the cost, which I thought was not cool, you know? She’s going through it, yeah. That’s not a very noble stance, I don’t think. That is how low the bar is. I’m like, guy should pay a little bit for the abortion, and women are like, he’s a hero. He really is. No, even the most pro-life person I talk to was like, wow, chivalry is dead. That was the baby’s name, Chivalry. (audience groans) I’m just saying. That one’s not for everybody, that joke. I did that joke the other night and somebody yelled out boo. I thought it was the baby’s ghost, but, you know. (audience laughing) I’m just saying there are still gentlemen. If I knock you up and you need an abortion, it’s on the house. (audience laughing) I’ll throw my Delta SkyMiles card right on the counter. Are you sure, Sam? I got this. With all the rewards and benefits that Delta has to offer, (audience laughing) I’d be a fool to do otherwise. (audience laughing) I’m two to three abortions away from Diamond Medallion status, so… (audience laughing) I’m losing some of you, but I’m gonna take it a step further here. (audience laughing) I think you should get extra SkyMiles points with an abortion, because that’s one less crying baby onboard, you know? (audience laughing) That, yeah, I don’t… (audience applauding) Me personally, I don’t like doing that part of the joke, but I have a sponsorship deal with Delta, and you know, they get very upset when I leave it out. They dock me Biscoff cookies. Love those cookies.

I was talking to a guy after a show. He told me there was gonna be an anti-abortion parade, which I think he meant to say march, you know? (audience laughing) I don’t think there’s gonna be a parade, but if there is, I’ll be there. I want to see what the floats look like. (audience laughing) That one looks unfinished. That’s what we’re going for, so, yeah. (audience laughing) Back-to-back abortion jokes. I got greedy, guys, I did. I got a little greedy.

(audience applauding)

I’m a pretty liberal guy, but some of my friends now are so liberal that everything turns into slavery or the Holocaust in every conversation, you know what I’m talking about? I was talking to my friend the other day, and he goes, “Trump is Hitler.” I said, “All right, look, “we don’t know how hilarious Hitler would have been “on social media. “That’s not fair.” Hitler might have had a strong Twitter presence. Trapped in bunker, sad. (audience laughing) Adolf’s trending.

I came across the article the other day on the internet. Just said fun facts about Hitler, which I think is a great title. (audience laughing) I’ve always said there aren’t enough upbeat pieces on the Fuhrer. (audience laughing) Fun fact about Hitler, didn’t pay income tax, was very bad at managing his money, and I thought, man, it’s too bad there wasn’t a group of people that could have helped, you know? (audience laughing) Jews. So…

You know where that joke did not hit? Naples, Florida, okay? (audience laughing) Terrible people. My least favorite city. I’ll never go back. I bombed four straight nights. I got into an argument with an 80-something-year-old man. I had a breakdown on the last show. I finally just said I gotta get out of Naples. He goes, “Well, you’re still here.” I said, “Well, I’ll be out in the morning. “You’ll be in a casket soon.” (audience laughing) And he said, “You’ll have to put me there,” and I said, “That’s not how time works.” (audience laughing) And it kept escalating back and forth. Finally, I hear a voice in the crowd yell out, “Grandpa, enough.” (audience laughing) That’s Naples to me. My dad called me to check in. He said, “How are you?” I said, “I’m in fucking Naples,” and my dad goes, “Italy?” and I was like, “Oh, no. (audience laughing) “These jokes are not taking me abroad, Pops. (audience laughing) “I’m in Florida, the bad part.”

True story. I’m on stage there. As the start to a bit, I go, “So, I’m a New York Jew,” and someone in the crowd goes, “Ugh, no.” (audience laughing) Not a yes or no question. (audience laughing) It’s my heritage. Also, ugh, that’s our sound. That’s cultural appropriation, okay?

(audience laughing)

Not all gigs are this fun, man. I think my mom worries about my career choice sometimes. Some nights it’ll be a bad gig. I do casinos sometimes. They’re the worst gigs ever. You know, they pay pretty well, but they’re soul-crushing. You’re just watching people stand up one by one and exit throughout the show, some by scooter, it’s very jarring, but… (audience laughing) And the casino’s not even mad because they want these people pissing away their money on the gambling floor, you know? So, I go to apologize to management. They’re like, no, you’re doing a great job. (audience laughing) You should bust out the abortion jokes earlier tomorrow night ’cause those went horribly.

But I think she worries. My mom worries a lot. I was with her the other day on the street. We saw a dead bird, and I said, “Ew, dead pigeon.” My mom goes, “Don’t touch it.” (audience laughing) I was like, what do you think happens when you’re not around? (audience laughing) You think I’m just walking around, let me grab this shit right here, hell yeah. Lunch meat.

(audience laughing)

I don’t blame my mom for worrying, you know? I still get in trouble. I got assaulted in Burlington, Vermont earlier this year, which is not where you think it’s gonna happen. A lot of open-toed sandals, everyone’s high. I thought it was safe, honestly, but they seem like nice people. Bernie even seems like a nice guy. I like Bernie Sanders. You know why? Because he debates the way I’ve argued with every woman in every relationship. I know I don’t have a chance. I just want to get my ideas out there, you know? (audience laughing) So, I’m in Vermont, and I’m out after the show. I’m having a couple beers with some comics. We’re at a bar two blocks from the venue. Some guy walks up to me. I can tell something’s off about him, and he just looks at me and he goes, “University of Vermont?” And I said, “No.” And he goes, “Masters degree?” And I said, “You’re getting colder.” (audience laughing) And he said, “I want to beat the shit out of all of you.” But he’s only looking at me. (audience laughing) Yeah, and I looked him up and down, and was like, ah, he’s bluffing. So, I turn around. As I turn around, he grabs me by the shoulder, takes a pint glass, and smashes it over my head, and I thought, I poorly read that situation. (audience laughing) He was not bluffing. So, he runs out. They call the cops, and the first thing I say after he hangs up with the cops is I yell to the bar, “You all heard him call me Jew-boy before he did it.” (audience laughing) And they said, “I didn’t hear that.” And I said, “I did.” And a Jussie Smollett tale was born. So, they put him in the backseat. The cops get him very quickly. He wasn’t getting far on foot. He’s in the backseat of the car. The cops are examining to see how bad my injury is. They’re taking glass out of my hair, and the cop asks, “Did he smash a pint glass on your head?” and I said, “It could have been a pint glass, “it could have been a menorah. “It happened very quickly, okay?” (audience laughing) And the cop asked, “Do you see spinning?” I said, “Like a dreidel, it’s pretty rough, you know?” Then finally I had to admit it wasn’t a hate crime and they took the guy away, and the bar manager turned to me. He said, “Just so you know, this never happens here.” And I was like, yeah, I figured. That’d be pretty weird if you were like, “That was Scott, “so, Scott does that.”

(audience laughing)

Unfortunately had a bad string of luck on the road. Some of it’s my fault. About eight years ago, I was drinking too much. I was a young comic on the road. I was in Seattle. I was hitting on a girl after the show. Every 30 seconds, her friend would lean in and go, “Not interested.” Every 30 seconds, “She could do a bit better than you.” It would get progressively meaner. At one point, she goes, “You’re very unattractive.” And I was a drunk kid. I just said, “Get some more Botox, you lizard.” I’m deeply ashamed of myself for saying that, and it’s completely inappropriate, although if you were there, you would have been like, he nailed it, totally. (audience laughing) But she seemed furious. I couldn’t tell by her face, but she seemed very upset. (audience laughing) Me and my friend were laughing. As we were laughing, I get popped in the face by her boyfriend. I deserved it. She was a lizard, but she was his lizard, and I thought it was cool that they stuck together, you know? But this was foreshadowing. A month later, I’m in Cleveland, horrible time to be in Cleveland. It was when LeBron left the first time. Okay, yeah, exactly. I don’t know if you guys remember, but they did not take it well, and they made the mistake of having their whole economic plan at the time be LeBron and that’s it.

So, it was rough, and I love Cleveland. I’ve always had good times there. I like the people. It felt like the whole city got dumped because it was Valentine’s Day, too. It was just a weird vibe. And I met this hot older woman after the show, and we hit it off, but she’s there with a guy friend, who’s just a friend, but it’s Valentine’s Day. There’s that weird energy in the air. He’s kind of going for her. I’m going for her. And he’s buying me drinks to keep an eye on me, and I’m accepting the drinks because I lack character, so. (audience laughing) He gets up to go to the bathroom, and I asked her, “Do you want to get out of here?” And she said, “Yeah, let’s ditch him.” This is how stupid I am. I take her to the bar next door. That’s my getaway plan. (audience laughing) I was like, seven feet to the left, we got this. So, we’re doing shots. We’re making out. It’s a very romantic night. (audience laughing) I’m glad some people laughed at that. I can tell I’m in a shitty city when that doesn’t get laughs at all. When people are like, that’s a very romantic night out. Dry humping and Jaeger shots, that’s how we did our 40th anniversary. So I finally said, “Hey, do you want to leave?” And she said, “I want to go back to your hotel,” and I said, “All right, then.” So, we go outside. The dude is standing right there, and I was like, oh, no. He goes, “Oh, there you guys are. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” I said, “Ah, we’re gonna go back to my hotel.” And he goes, “Oh, yeah? “You’re just gonna her and then fly back to New York?” And I said, “Honestly, yes, that was the game plan.” (audience laughing) I was gonna pitch it quite differently. I was gonna say something romantic like, “Shall we make love before my expedition?” or something. I was gonna liven it up a little. He gets close to me, goes, “You want to fuck her, “you gotta fight me first.” And that’s the first time I noticed he was missing teeth, and I was like, oh, no. He’s been down this road before. And I’m not gonna fight him, because I’ve never had sex with anyone and been like that was better than teeth. (audience laughing) Never. After every one-night-stand, I’m like, man, it’s cool I can still eat apples after this. This is great, you know? I run down to the hotel lobby. I grab me a Macintosh. I go about my day. So I said, “Hey, I’m not gonna fight you,” and he said, “That’s what I thought pussy. “Come here, babe.” Doesn’t say a word to me. Just calls her over, she goes with him. They clearly have a weird arrangement of some sort. They start walking away.

As they walk away, there’s a guy behind me in a white sweatshirt, matching white sweatpants, very underdressed for Cleveland in February, okay? He’s not quite sitting; he’s not quite standing. He’s almost perched, and as they walk away, he loudly says, “I wasn’t gonna let anything happen to you.” (audience laughing) “Uh, who are you?” (audience laughing) He walks over and he goes, “I police this part of town.” I said, “You’re a policeman?” He’s not. This man is obviously not with law enforcement of any kind. So, I asked, “You work for the bar?” He said, “No,” and I said, “Are you a vigilante of some sort?” (audience laughing) And he said, “Yeah.” (audience laughing) And he’s in white, so I said, “What’s your superhero name? “The Snowflake?” And he said, “I go by The White Knight.” (audience laughing) And I’m just drunk enough to be like, “Hell yeah.” (audience laughing) That’s all it took. I’m like, this guy’s legit. He’s got a name. So, we start chatting. I’m kind of baffled. I ask him, “You just wait outside and break up fights?” And he said, “I protect Downtown Cleveland.” I said, “Haven’t you been hurt?” He said, “I’ve been stabbed twice.” (audience laughing) I was like, “Dude, why do you do this?” He said, “Because I fucking love Cleveland, that’s why.” And it’s kind of touching, honestly. He’s crazy, but he’s loyal. They lost LeBron; they got this guy. It’s a horrible trade, don’t get me wrong. (audience laughing) But this is what loyalty looks like. It’s not always pretty, you know? So we start taking a walk. I’m taking a little stroll with The White Knight, and we pass the comedy club and my poster’s in the door. He said, “You’re a comedian?” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “I could never do what you do.” And I said, “I could never do what you do, either. “It’s illegal and strange and quite alarming, to be frank. “There’s a real mutual admiration going on, you could say.” And we start chatting for a while about life and love. At one point, he asked me, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?” and I said, “Probably my life choices and my career,” and he said, “Me, too.” (audience laughing) And I said, “We’re not so different, you and I, “White Knight.”

So, he walks me back to the hotel, and he said he’s coming to my show tomorrow night, and I said, “Great, so, I’ll see you then,” and we exchange information as you do with vigilantes, and… (audience laughing) I wake up the next morning, head pounding, and thinking did that even happen? But of course it did. You don’t daydream The White Knight. (audience laughing) First email I see just says subject heading White Knight, and I think it’s him. I don’t know that many White Knights. It said, “Sam, it was such a pleasure “to meet you last night. “Unfortunately, something came up, “and I’m unable to attend your show this evening. “Sincerely, your new friend and fan, The White Knight.” In parentheses, Joshua. That made me very happy. (audience laughing) Jews are very underrepresented as superheroes, you know? He’s our Black Panther, so… (audience cheering) I email back, it bounces back. I email him again, it bounce back, to the point that I’m like, this guy created a fake email account to contact me and then just disappear. It’s like in Batman when he’s talking to Commissioner Gordon and he turns away for a second and turns back and Batman’s gone, but you see the wind moving. He did that to me via email.

(audience laughing)

It was always in the back of my head. Years go by. I never hear from him, but I always thought about it, because I’ve had weird drunk nights, but this one’s particularly strange. So, it must have been six years later, I get an email out of the blue. Different email address, but it still says subject heading “White Knight,” and I thought, it’s probably him. (audience laughing) I don’t have a large White Knight Rolodex, so… All it said was, “Saw you on Conan. “Funny shit. “White Knight.” And I wrote back, “Hell yeah, dude. “You’re still out there White Knighting, “I’m still doing comedy. “We’re both still in the game.” And he wrote back, “Oh, no, “I’m no longer engage in White Knighting.” (audience laughing) “I now have a wife and a little boy “and we reside in the suburbs of Cleveland.” And I was like, this traitorous motherfucker. (audience laughing) Then he wrote, “How are you?” And I said, “I’m in Naples.” (audience laughing) And he wrote back, “Italy?” and I was like, “Yeah.”

(audience laughing)

Thank you so much for coming out, guys. You’ve been amazing.

(audience cheering)

I appreciate our night. All right.


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts