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Roseanne Barr: Cancel This! (2023) | Transcript

For the first time in sixteen years, comedic icon Roseanne Barr returns to the stage for one night only on Fox Nation, with no subject off limits
Roseanne Barr: Cancel This (2023)

“Roseanne Barr: Cancel This!” is a stand-up comedy special showcasing Roseanne Barr’s return to the stage, amid a backdrop of rock music and an enthusiastic audience. Barr’s routine is unapologetically controversial and provocative, a mix of personal anecdotes, political commentary, and observational humor that reflects her brash and unfiltered comedic style.

She opens with a light-hearted jab at her fake nails and a brief prayer for mental clarity before diving into her material. Roseanne reminisces about her career beginnings in Houston, expressing gratitude and joking about the audience’s privilege to witness her performance. She navigates through topics like moving to Texas, gun rights, and the political divide within her family, labeling her daughters as “libtards” for their differing views.

Her act then takes a more personal turn as she discusses her controversial firing from her television show, attributing it to a racially charged tweet that she insists was a result of misunderstanding and medication. She uses this to segue into broader criticisms of political correctness, media, and the entertainment industry. Throughout the special, Barr doesn’t shy away from contentious subjects, including politics, gender, and her own mental health, often using self-deprecation as a tool for humor.

She also touches on her life changes post-controversy, including her newfound residence in Texas, her experiences with COVID-19, and her views on the vaccination efforts. Roseanne continues to delve into various societal and personal topics, like the absurdity she sees in modern parenting, her disdain for certain celebrity behaviors, and her struggles with aging.

Throughout the performance, Barr maintains a conversational and interactive rapport with the audience, responding to their reactions and occasionally engaging directly with individuals. Her act is punctuated by raucous laughter, cheers, and at times, boos, reflecting the divisive nature of her material.

The special concludes with Roseanne encouraging her audience to be forthright with their feelings, delivering a final, defiant message of self-expression.

Premiere date: February 2nd, 2023, on Fox Nation.

* * *

[rock music]

[audience cheers]

Look at these fake nails. Woo-hoo, look at that! I’m about to go on. I’m praying to god that he lets my brains work for once, And he protects me from myself. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Crew: We’re on our mark and ready to go. Have a great show.

Thank you very much.

Crew: Good luck. Welcome back.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Roseanne Barr.

[intense music]

[audience cheers]

Hey! Thank you! Thank you very much. Hi! Thank you!

[audience erupts in cheers]

It’s so great to be here because I was thinking about it. You know, I kind of started my whole career here in Houston.

Audience: We love you!

I love you, too. What a privilege it is for you to have me here this evening, Ladies and gentlemen.

[audience laughter and cheers]

And, of course, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I really do. Are you guys having fun or are you here with your families?

[audience laughs]

Mm. So let me take a quick rally of the troops here. Where are my peeps that are going to get really offended if I do not offend everybody? Where are my peeps here?

[audience erupts in cheers]

Oh, boy, good, there you are. There you are. Don’t worry. I’m going to get them all tonight.

[audience applauds]

That’s right. Well, guess what? I moved here to Texas, too. Isn’t that crazy?

[audience cheers]

I really did. My son– I don’t know, he’s somewhere– my oldest son, he’s somewhere here, and all my whole family’s here and the whole deal. Where is he? My oldest son, my youngest son, my grandson, my godson, my family’s here. None of my daughters are here because they– They don’t agree with me politically. They’re libtards, so they didn’t show up. But, uh–

[audience cheers]

But now I moved to Texas, and it’s Just beautiful because it’s a red state, and I love that. And, two, it’s just beautiful. I bought a beautiful ranch and what beautiful tundra We have here in Texas. Like, I look out my bedroom window. I can’t believe it. I see all these gorgeous little tiny baby deer in my yard, eating the grass around my pool. It’s so fantastic, you know, because I can pull out my AR-15 and blow them just to smithereens legally.

[audience cheers]

So fantastic! Open carry, bitches! Hell, yeah!

[audience erupts in cheers]

Ha-ha, hell, yeah. Anyways, anybody else been fired recently?

[audience cheers]

Audience: Woo!

Ooh, well, we’ll talk about that a little. Ahem. For the people that have been fired, were you able to keep your insurance?

Audience: No!

Audience: No!

Yeah, it’s kind of scary. I– I was able to keep my insurance. Thank god. But then I started getting real– real nervous because my family, my sons and stuff, they’re looking at me weird, like, that maybe I’m worth more dead than alive, you know. I don’t know. I get kind of paranoid about it because I watch the ID channel. And what with my big mouth and everything, well, anyway, my two sons and my grandson and my godson, they’re all here kind of to watch over me, to make sure me and my big mouth don’t squander no more of their inheritance, I guess is what they’re here for.

[audience applauds]

Man, I had a rough couple of years there. I got fired because basically I racially misgendered somebody I thought was a white woman.

[audience laughs]

Audience: Woo!

Audience: Bullshit.

Huh?

Audience: I thought that bitch was white.

I know, I thought the bitch was white. It’s true!

[audience cheers]

They wouldn’t– they wouldn’t let me explain. I don’t– here it was Memorial Day, you know. And I was at my mom’s house in Salt Lake City, Utah, And it was memorial day. And I should say, I barely could sleep anymore because the network was running me ragged, making me do promos, which I hate. You know what I mean? I’d rather die than do effing promos, not the ones that Fox is asking me to do.

[audience laughs]

I’m more than happy to do those. But I could never sleep because they had me Go to New York, LA, New York. That’s why I couldn’t sleep. I’m an old woman, 68. So they told me, oh, try some Ambien, you know, so I did. I got on the Ambien on top of all my psycho drugs Because I’m crazy. I’ll just be honest. I’m completely crazy.

[audience erupts in cheers]

Oh, thank you. You are, too, I see. Thank you. No, but I’ve been on psycho meds and bipolar meds And antipsychotic drugs my whole damn life, right? It was no big deal to me. I shouldn’t have mixed it with Ambien and then topped it off with three beers, though. I have to admit. I should not have did that. That caused me to lose everything. And so what happened, it’s about 1:00 am. And I don’t have such good eyesight. You may have read about that, and Somebody sent across a picture. And it’s about 1:00 am there, and so I Captioned it and passed out. And then I woke up–

[audience laughs]

At 7:00 am, and the whole goddamn world was on fire.

[audience laughs]

My boyfriend came in there. He goes, oh, my god, it’s on cnn that your tweet was racist. I’m, like, what are you talking about, “my tweet was racist.” Muslim ain’t a race.

[audience laughs]

He goes, no, they’re saying she’s– She’s African-American. I was, like, oh, shit.

[audience laughs]

Oh, shit, no. “yeah, and ABC is on the phone. They want to talk to you.” I’m, like, oh, shit, I don’t want To talk to no Hillary donors.

[audience laughs]

After all I’ve been through on that show, you know, So I get on there. And the guy, you know, you can imagine. Oh, here’s how the phone call starts. (over-enunciating) “what possible– Excuse– Can you have– For the egregious– Thing you have done?” You know, and then just god and my upbringing comes in my head. And it’s, like, just tell the truth, Roseanne. You’ve always got to tell the truth, right? Tell the truth. The truth will set you free. You know what I’m talking about, ma’am? So I’m, like, you’re right, father. I’m just going to tell the truth. “I thought she’s white.”

[audience laughs]

It’s like total silence.

[audience laughs]

So I start tap dancing, you know as you do When you know you’re in shit.

[audience laughs]

I’m, like, hey, don’t do nothing to my show, ok? Don’t– don’t cancel me or do nothing to my show, fire me, nothing like that. I’ll tell you what. Just put me on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show” And on “The View” and a lot of your other shows You’ve got on the ABC channel, you know, where people, they’ve been in blackface and everything. I’ll go on there, and surely they’ll understand my mistake.

[audience moans and cheers]

Because surely they didn’t get fired for that shit. And they’ll understand when people Do something really stupid. And, uh, so, no, they said, “Well, Roseanne, we’ll have To see how the community”– That’s what he said– “we’ll have to see How the community reacts.”

[audience boos]

Yeah, and in my mind, I was thinking, what community.

[audience laughs]

The, uh, baby blood-drinking democrat community or, uh–

[audience erupts in cheers]

Or the protect Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, and Prince Andrew community? Which community exactly are you talking about?

[audience cheers]

But I didn’t say it because, at that time, I was thinking it was more important to be nice.

[audience laughs]

So I walk in, and it’s on CNN that they’ve canceled my show just 20 minutes later. And not only that, but they killed my– they killed, uh, Roseanne. They killed her.

[audience boos]

Yeah. Yeah, I guess they thought they shut me up. But guess what? Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha, anyway–

[audience erupts in cheers]

Yeah, I didn’t really care at that time because I couldn’t sit in them writing rooms with those people one more second. I wasn’t really that pissed what they did to me. But, you know, I was really mad what they did to my fans because they disrespected their own viewers, you know.

[audience cheers]

Like, we could have– we could have had her come on my show, and she could have read me the who’s it. And she could have dressed me down. We could have had a teachable moment that they’re all talking about. She could have come on. I could have had 15 times the ratings, And I could have learned something on behalf and shown something to America, which I always wanted to do that very thing anyway, bringing people together and learn about each other, right? When we have made mistakes for– Because we can learn. We can learn to get along for gods sake.

[audience applauds]

But, no, they didn’t want to do that, and that pissed me off. And that’s why I came back, even though I was, like, why would you want to do that after what they did. But I came back because I just– something’s wrong with me or something. I just– something’s in me. I just cannot let assholes win. I’m not. I’m not going to.

[audience erupts in cheers] I’m not going to.

[audience cheers]

I am not going to let rich, privileged assholes win. I’m not!

[audience erupts in cheers]

And, you know, looking back, I believe that I actually Got fired because I delivered an audience– An unbelievable audience of 28 million people to a show that had a trump hater and a Hillary hater still loving each other, still living under the same roof as a family, still being American. And, by god, they hated that!

[audience cheers]

But whatever, it’s all in the past now. It was a weird– It’s been, like, five years or something. It was a weird five years. We’ve all been through some shit in the last five years, right, the whole country. We’ve all been through some shit in the last five years. Well, imagine my surprise when my agent called and said Fox Nation was offering me a big contract to do a stand-up special. Imagine my shock.

[audience erupts in cheers]

I was shocked. I was happy but shocked. They sent along a contract and said, hey, we want you to do an hour or so of material but no racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, anti-semitism. I go, well, there goes my whole fucking act. What– what?

[audience applauds]

And they said and we want you to do very few swear words as well.

[audience laughs]

But that– that– the f-word I just used, ladies and gentlemen, is one of three times tonight I will be using the f-word because my lawyers were able to go in and wrangle a three f-word deal out of the Fox Nation’s lawyers.

[audience laughs]

And I accepted because it’s kind of a challenge for me. I’ve never done an hour of comedy before with only using the f-word three times. I thought, hey, this is a chance to try something new.

[audience laughs]

Never done it before so.

Audience: We love you!

I love you. You’re sweet.

[audience cheers]

Thank you so much for coming to see me tonight. Any Jews here tonight?

[audience cheers]

Wow, a lot of Jews, that’s pretty amazing. Hi. Hi, Jewish people. There’s probably a lot more Jews, But they’re kind of ashamed to raise their hand.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, I don’t blame you. I’m lucky. Nobody ever thinks I’m Jewish because I’m from Utah.

Audience: No more bitches with stitches. We all get to open our mouths. Huh?

Audience: No more bitches with stitches.

We get to open our mouths. That’s right. We do but shut up, bitch. But, anyway–

[audience erupts in cheers]

I mean– I mean– I mean, right on, sisterhood. But, anyway, no, but, no, it’s kind of embarrassing to be a jew. And I would like to take this opportunity to kind of apologize to the gentile nations for the Jewish people. Like, you know, like, Epstein, Weinstein, and all these here. Sorry. I am a jew, and people don’t think I’m Jewish because I’m not from the East Coast or nothing. I’m from Salt Lake City, Utah.

Audience: Woo!

Any Mormons here?

Audience: Yes!

Hi, Mormons. Love ya. I grew up with Mormons. That was a weird place to be Jewish, though, Salt Lake City, Utah. Boy, my family, we stuck out like a sore thumb there in Mormon Utah, you know, because we only had the one mother, and so that was weird.

[audience laughs]

She had to do all the mothering by herself. That was kind of rough on her. And my mother was the most beautiful Jewish woman In the Jewish community. That’s what everybody said all the time. They were, like, she looked like Elizabeth Taylor. That’s what everybody said, and she had a gorgeous figure, you know, my mother. And she managed to snare the one Jewish football hero at West Side High School, which was my daddy. He was a football hero there. He played center at West Side High, and he was a big old football hero. And they called him Jerry Barr, the boy built like a barrel.

[audience laughs]

So they were quite a couple. And they had me and guess whose body I inherited.

[audience laughs]

Not my mother’s but my dad, the body built like a barrel, With no waist and no ass cheeks whatsoever. It’s very sad, very sad for a girl. I had no ass whatsoever. I’m telling you the truth. Just a crack in my back is basically what I had. It’s very sad for my– nobody wanted to date me. Plus, my mother and father were very concerned that I would never find a husband because I was fat and had a bad attitude and a big mouth. I mean, they were really–

[audience laughs]

They were really overly concerned about that I’d never get a husband. That was my whole life. You’re never going to get a husband Unless you go on a diet. I mean, no guy is ever going to want to marry you, What, with you having no tuchus– That’s what they’d say– no hips, no buttocks, no waist, and a big mouth. And you’re always in trouble, and you’re really fat, You know, and nobody likes that kind of thing, you see. So you’ve got to go on this. They put me on so many diets, the rice Diet, the birdseed diet. They put me on every damn diet, and none of them worked. Finally, my mom said she’s going to– she finally got a guy for me to date, and I was suspicious Right away. She’s, like, I found a wonderful gentleman– She called him– in the Jewish community That I think you’ll be– You’ll be happy to know is interested in dating you. So right away, I’m suspicious, right? So she goes, so I don’t know if this rings true for any of you. Probably not because it’s a whole different culture, I know. But the first thing that went in my mind is– I don’t know if this happened to you, if this is familiar– is, like, “um, mom, we’re not related to him, are we?”

[audience laughs]

Does that ring true for any of y’all?

Audience: Yeah.

And by the way, she answered– because it took Her a long time to answer– I knew that we were related, you know. And it was Stu Bernstein, that big fat guy, that big fat slob Of the Bernstein family. And all of them had eyes that went like this, Wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah. The whole family’s eyes, wah-wah, wah-wah, they never Stood still, none of their eyes, you know. And they were fat, not that I should say Nothing about fat but the eyes. And, plus, he’s a chronic masturbator, Which I guess he thought– He thought we didn’t see it or nothing. The guy, he thought he was disguising it, but I knew what he’s up to, you know. He’d go like this. “well, let’s all go down to the Dairy Queen there and get ourself an ice cream.”

[audience laughs]

“what do you say?” Sitting there on the couch or standing up, whatever, It’s always, like, “well, let’s go over to Safeway There and pick ourself up”– I knew what he was doing. So I’m, like, no, I’m not. I’m not, you know.

[audience laughs]

So she said, “Well, you’ve got to go on a diet Then if you want to.” So she took me to this diet guy. This is, I swear to god, true on my kids’ lives. I’m 16, and I’m fat. So we’re out there. We’re waiting in the waiting room. And she waits till the last minute, my mom, to tell me, “Oh, Roseanne, by the way, the doctor is blind”–

[audience laughs]

–“and how he tells how much weight you need to lose is by feeling your body.”

[audience laughs]

I swear to god. So I’m in shock. So we go in there, and he rolls over In a wheelchair because not only is he blind But he can’t walk neither. He’s a mess, nothing but mess. And he rolls over there and starts going like this. “mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, oh, mm-hmm.” And he does my boobs, too. “mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I’d say there’s about 40 pounds of you That you need to release.” “Thanks, doctor.” So he fixes it up that I go in there every day– I swear to god this is true– and I get a shot of urine from a pregnant horse. Have any of y’all heard of that? Urine from a pregnant horse, well, it makes your what’s-it speed up. What’s that, son?

Audience: Metabolism.

Your metabolism speed up, so you start losing weight, and I did. I lost a ton of weight. I lost so much weight that I got pregnant by the neighbor guy, so that was good.

[audience cheers]

Anyway, that’s another sad story. But, yeah, I was kind of cute at that time, then I left home. I had all these fantasies living at home there, living at home Where I was just, you know, my mom’s Ugly daughter that stood in the corner chewing on my hair. But, uh, I don’t know what I’m talking about. Oh, yeah, so I was kind of a loner. I had all these fantasies. I didn’t have no friends or nothing, mostly in my room, living in my imagination. Number one, I wanted to grow up, leave Utah, of course. Two, I wanted to get out there and get my pork on because we were not allowed to have any pork in my house. I wanted to move away, so I could take birth control pills so that I would be able to have indiscriminate sex With everyone– every guy I ever met– and to get my own show, named “The Roseanne Show.” And I’m so proud to say that I was able to make all of those dreams come true, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience erupts in cheers]

Thank you for the validation.

[audience cheers]

But, anyway, due to the spam and my love of spam, which has never subsided, I think that’s a large reason for why I moved to Hawaii, which I still live in Hawaii. Now I’m, like, half Hawaii, half Texas, which is cool.

[audience cheers]

I love Hawaii. It’s a fantastic place. But one thing we say over there, it is quite a short trip from Aloha to a-hole. It’s quite a short trip sometimes over there. And, yeah, yeah, spam, that evens it all out. You probably read about me having macular degeneration and losing my eyesight and all that, right? So the fact of it is I could grow weed over there in Hawaii, And that really helps me with my eyesight things, right?

[audience cheers]

It is such a good medication, and that’s another thing. When I ran for president, I ran on legalization of marijuana Because it’s a good, good drug.

[audience erupts in cheers]

Right? It really helps you if you have anxiety issues, which I do, Because I get very anxious when I think I might run out of pot. So it’s a very good treatment for that kind of thing. And you know what? The marijuana, it does help me with my driving Since I can’t see too good. And, well, I probably shouldn’t even drive is the bottom line There since I can’t see. And, yes, it’s true. I have hit a few people. But, you know, luckily, I was not hurt, so it all worked out. But– but one day, my kids were coming over, And I haven’t really talked about my kids too much. I have five of them. And, you know, my kids are probably like your kids. They’re ungrateful, privileged, little fucking bastards That have never had to work a day in their life for anything.

[audience cheers]

You know, and they’re too good for cheese. My kids are too damn good for regular cheese. So I was going over there to the health food store to get them this soy cheese because they’re too good for real cheese, you see. So, anyway, I move on. I go over there, and I pull in. And some lady is sitting in her car, looking over at me. And I had a couple of shots before I came to the store, you know, to help me with my focus and this and that. And she looks over, and I’m, like, ah, god, I’m going to have to act like I’m nice because she probably recognized me or some shit. So now I’m acting like I’m nice, which I do all the time. It’s the least I can do. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

So she looks over at me, and she’s, like, you– you hit me. You hit me with your car, your fender. I’m, like, I didn’t hit you, bitch. What are you talking about? This is a Tesla. If I was going to hit you, it would have made some kind of a beeping noise, you know, that Tesla is prepared for hitting things, and it warns you. I didn’t hit you, you crazy bitch. And I said, you know what you’re doing? You just know I’m in show business, so you smell some money. That’s what you’re doing, right? Do you see where I’m going with this? A lot of people are like that. I go, you smell money because I’m in show business. You thought you can start some shit with me, and I have to give you a settlement. And that’s what you’re doing. You’re not the first, and you’re probably not going to be the last. She goes, “That is not true, Roseanne. I’ll have you know”–

[audience cheers]

She goes, “I will have you know that I am also in show business, ok? The last 24 years, I was Bette Midler’s dresser. I’ll have you know that.”

[audience laughs]

I’m, like, “Yeah, well, blowing cocaine up Bette Midler’s asshole is not show business, is it?”

[audience cheers]

Then she moves in for the kill. “I think you’re driving around drunk, Roseanne.” I said, “I’ll have you know, I am an actress, and I know how to maintain. You are an anti-semite. That’s what’s wrong with you,” because that’s what we Jews do when we’re losing an argument, right? “you are an anti-semite.”

[audience cheers]

She goes, “My name is Goldberg.” I’m, like, “Well, then I’m an anti-semite.”

[audience applauds]

And I sped away in my Tesla home. When I went in, I noticed the front fender was all smashed in.

[audience laughs]

Ooh, uh-oh. Can you believe that it has been two or three years since we was all in the quarantine? Can you believe back that far? I’m glad you’re out. I’m glad we can come out.

[audience cheers]

What about all that quarantine? Remember all that? You know, I figured out q, q, it stands for quarantine. It wasn’t any of that who’s going to get arrested bullshit. It stands for quarantine. Q, the great awakening, you know why? Because you had to be with your goddamn family in the house, and you couldn’t get out of there. You couldn’t go to the gym. You couldn’t go to a restaurant. You couldn’t get away. You couldn’t go to nobody else’s house. You were stuck there in the shit with your friggin’ family and couldn’t get away. That’s why they say the great awakening. You had to deal with that shit, and you couldn’t run anymore.

[audience laughs]

Dang. I was smoking a lot of cigarettes at the beginning of the quarantine there. After getting fired, I started smoking again, And I love to smoke. But my kids ganged up on me. They’re, like, “You better quit smoking, mom, because you’re going to get COVID. And then you’re going to have to go to the hospital, and they’ll put them things down your throat and kill you, like they do in New York. You better quit smoking.” So I did quit smoking. And you know what happened soon as I quit smoking? Soon as I quit, I got the COVID the minute I quit smoking. And then I read that cigarette smoking actually protects you from getting the COVID. That’s when I knew everything was bullshit.

[audience cheers]

It’s all bullshit and nothing but lies, every single damn thing.

[audience cheers]

I’ve had the COVID four times now, and I lost all my taste. I have no taste and no smell either all this time. But I look at it like it’s a silver lining in the COVID cloud because I don’t eat so much. I’m not wanting to eat everything, And it don’t taste that good so I lost some weight. Thanks, lord.

[audience laughs]

Once I got the COVID, though, and saw that my kids weren’t going to come over, I was, like, man, I’m going to get the long COVID.

[audience laughs]

I’m going to get that COVID that never quits. Woo, it’s wonderful. It’s like living in a rest home is what it was like there. I had an assistant that cooked for me and brought me tea, And none of my family ever came over. Oh, my god, it was so great. It was the first time in my life that I haven’t had to take care of nobody’s kids or do their goddamn laundry Or get out of bed and do shopping for or any of that shit. I just laid there in bed talking to god and writing jokes. It was fantastic.

[audience erupts in cheers]

I did not want my grandkids coming over, ’cause they’re always sick. And they make me sick all the time. My daughter thinks it’s good that they’re sick. Your mom thinks it’s good that the kids are sick. It would always drive me nuts. She goes, it’s good they’re sick because they’re developing Their anti– What do you call it?

[audience shouting]

Yeah, their immunity. They’re getting their immunities. It’s good that they’re sick. Yeah, well, I’m 70. What about my immunities, bitch? You bring over these kids with the green snot in their nose, And it takes me a month to get over it. Stay home. I’ll watch them on Facetime. Right? It was so much better. It was just great. How many yous got the vax? [laughs]

[clapping]

A few of yous. You probably had to get it, right? Were you forced to get the vax? Yeah. Boy, what a– that makes me mad, they Forced people to get the vax. I hope they have to pay for that, what they did to us.

Woman: Yeah!

Did you get any of that myocarditis, Or the facial paralysis, or, you know, The adult dropping dead syndrome or any of that shit? Get any of that? What happened to people that they start believing, For some reason, that this government had their best interest at heart? Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! What? What? My whole family’s bunch of libtards, you know, as I said. And they called me a conspiracy theorist the whole time, But everything I said turned out to be true. Did they apologize? Hell no! They never apologize. Never admit they’re wrong, do they? Now, my whole family is sick, what with blood clots and this And that and the other. They’re all sick. I’m the only healthy one. I’m gonna miss ’em!

[audience laughter]

What happened to people, though? How could they line up to take these shots From this government, knowing that this government gave Smallpox-infested blankets to the first nations people, Gave syphilis to black prisoners in Tuskegee, Told us there was weapons of mass destruction Before they leveled Iraq and destroyed Libya, told us fen-phen was safe and then all The fucking fat people died? What happened? And they’re like, hey, can I get that booster? Can I get that shot in those 15 boosters? Would you mind giving my daughter here That shot right in her eyeball after she’s born? Could you give her 10 of those right in the eyeball? Could you give her a shot right in her little baby clitoris? Could you do that for me, Mr. Biden? What’s wrong with people? What’s wrong with them? These young pink pussy hat wearers, They want to be lied to. They want to be lied to because they are so used to it. You can’t wake them up, because you can’t wake up people that Are pretending to be asleep. That’s what I figure. Nobody–

[audience cheers and applauds]

Nobody in their lives has ever cared enough to tell them The damn truth. It’s our fault, us baby boomers. We ruin their lives. We lied to them all away. We lie to women, ruin their lives. For example, my son, he’s 27 years old. I’m very proud of him. He’s the only one of my children who ever went to college And graduated. I couldn’t be more proud.

[audience cheers]

But what does he do with it? Just sits there in my office, took over my office. I can’t even walk in my office, what With the empty beer cans and the dirty socks. And all he does is sit there playing video games all night long every night. “Call of Duty.” What’s that other one?

Audience: “Fortnite.”

“Fortnite,” “Call of Duty.” And what’s that other one?

[audience shouting] “Grand Theft Auto.”

That’s his whole life, for god’s sake, Sitting there, asking me stupid questions I have no idea how to answer. Who’s my real father? What am I supposed to say about things like that? I mean, these people, they have no concept of reality. They’ve been living in a bubble forever, Asking questions that have nothing To do with the real world. What is my gender? Mom, what is my gender? Your gender is, get a job. That’s your gender. What are they thinking? Ask, what is a woman? They don’t know that? But when they’re asking all the time, what is a woman? I’ll tell you what a woman is, a woman is me!

[audience cheers]

That’s what a woman is, ok? A woman is someone who cleans up everybody else’s shit! That’s what a woman is. A woman is somebody whose boobs hang down to her knees With a prolapsed uterus from giving birth to five Ungrateful little privileged bastards that Have never had to work for anything In their whole damn lives!

[audience cheers]

[laughs] My pronouns are kiss my ass!

[audience cheers]

And I just want to say to all those girls That are all so damn upset about them Overturning the “Roe v Wade” thing, don’t get so damn upset about it! You are never gonna get pregnant. You’ve got the vax! You’re never gonna have a baby. Chill out! Yeah. I do have a message for today’s women. I’m trying to get a Kleenex out of this pocket. There it is. I do have a message for today’s women. I think it’s important. Women, keep your penis in your pants. There’s no excuse for this kind of behavior. In this day and age, take some responsibility For your own actions, women. These #metoo whores, they are so on my last nerve. You know what I mean? If you are gonna go to a Disney producer’s room at 3:00 am, Are you kidding me? Then you’re not gonna turn around and cry about it And try to get some money out of it. You’re not. The world has changed a lot since I was alive. I’m telling you, it’s changed so much. When I was young, we gals used to go to parties hoping to get Drunk so we’d wake up pulling a train of five guys just For fun. And nobody thought anything about it. It was no big deal. You know what I mean? Remember when you were young and you got molested? It is your fault. Remember that? Remember? My mom’s like, didn’t I tell you not to go around old Joe when he comes to the corner on his bike? I told you to stay away from him. You know what he does to the young girls. And there you are, running up there to the corner, Knowing what he is going to do to you, And then you complain about it. He buys us ice cream! We didn’t do yoga stretches. Do you know what I mean? We didn’t drink caramel pumpkin latte “mah-chi-ah-to,” White woman caramel drinks. We didn’t do that. We drank tab and fresca and shit that had saccharin in it. They gave us liver cancer, and we were happy to have it, ’cause we were tough, unlike you people, you young people. Privileged. Just privileged. That’s what I realized in quarantine. Privilege really kills. Privilege is what ruins lives, when You start thinking, you know, that the world Needs to be pretty for you. Well, it don’t. Right? Just because you got a degree in gender studies, That don’t mean shit. You’re not gonna get a job no place. You can’t even get a job at Whole Ho Ho’s donuts. Didn’t I tell you that? I told you. Privilege kills and bliss is ignorance. I turn those around. Bliss is ignorance, right? I have three different litters of children. Oh, I say that. I had three different litters with three different men Because I’m a whore. You know what I mean, ladies. And parenting has changed so much, too, since, you know, back in my day. It’s changed so much. Who else has teenagers in their 50s? Yeah, I have three daughters. I told you they’re very liberal, but they’re In their late 40s and 50. Three daughters in menopause. That’s when you know you’re old. For god’s sake, that’s when you know you’re old, right? I can’t believe how fast it went, too. Oh, my god. They tell me, you know, the things they come up with now. They’re like, mom, the doctor, they want us to take Testosterone for our symptoms. They are trying to give everybody crazy ass hormones From the time they’re two all the way up, Giving women testosterone to treat Their perimenopause is insane. I’m like, great. Now you’ll be lifting weights and watching football. I wouldn’t take it if I was you. That’s just asking for trouble, you know, Because your IQ is gonna decrease by half. And then you’re gonna just start peeing on toilet seats For no good reason whatsoever. It’s just, I don’t think it’s– I don’t think it’s good. But I kind of think maybe I shouldn’t have left the democrat party so early, what with their full-term abortion stuff they’re doing these days. Because I’m thinking, hey, another couple of months, They’re probably gonna move right into, I’d be able to abort these bitches by the time they’re 50. I bet they’re gonna move right into it. You know, I mean, it’s coming. That’d be cool. So things aren’t what they seem. Like, my brother and my sister are both gay. I’ve mentioned that before. And both of them are married to their gay partners That they’ve both been with for 34 and 35 years, which is Pretty amazing, considering–

[audience cheers]

Yeah. It’s great. They’ve raised children. And you know, I’m heterosexual and I’ve been married 9 or 10 Times, so you can’t ever be– You know, go with the stereotype for things. But they’re progressive parents, though, And I can’t stand that, progressive parents. I can’t stand it. It don’t make any sense, you know, the way they just let Their kids get away with shit. They just, like a rubber band, stretch it to the end. You know? My sister, she never quite puts the hammer down on her. She has twin lesbian daughters that are– That’s what I call them. They’re not really lesbians. But they’re, like, 21. She never really put the hammer down. They could get away with anything, you know? Not like my kids. I really– you know, I’m there, on top of my kids. My kids can’t get away with anything that I know about. But yeah. She’s like, I’m going to count to five, Like that some big threat. You know?

Woman: Yeah.

[laughs]

You know, I mean, that progressive. 1, 2, 3? I’m like, you’ve got to hit these bitches! If you want them to do right, you’ve got to hit ’em. You’ve got to hit your kids. I have to say that. We need to hit ’em more. And why has it fallen to me to be The person to have to hit everybody’s Kids in the grocery store? Why has that fallen to me? But there they are in the grocery store. Their mom will pay no attention to them because she’s too busy photographing her ass–

[audience laughter]

–For her Instagram page, where the kids are running wild. It just really gets me. It’s like, why did you have them? Now I’m, like, kind of on a bender about it. So of course, I’m gonna hit ’em. You know, I’m gonna have to. Somebody has to. What are you gonna do, go over there? Hey, stop doing that. That ain’t right. Didn’t your mother tell you that? Keep your hands off stuff, and don’t stick your nasty fingers Through the plastic. Do you understand me? And I’m like, ma’am? Ma’am? Did it ever occur to you when you had these little bastards That you were gonna bring them to a public place Where other people would have to care for them while you Took pictures of your ass? It just gets me. It really gets me, as I’m jealous of anyone who Has an ass, well, first of all, because I Was born ass-less in an ass-based economy And I’m bitter about it. I never thought I would see the day when a woman goes into her husband and says, Honey, do these pants make my ass look fat enough? There’s no men left in our country. Have you noticed that? All the men, they want to be women, Or else they’re just complete pussies and losers. Have you noticed that? There’s no men with any kind of spine left. They’ve all been beaten down. What happened to the men? Are there any men here tonight who would define their self?

[audience cheers]

Oh, sure. Really? Ok. Well, let’s take this little test. You think you’re a man, huh? You think you’re strong, yeah? Mr. Man, well, let’s see. I defy any of you men who say you’re strong and manly And this and that. Well, I defy you to go home tonight and tell Your wife or girlfriend that she needs To sit down and shut her yap. Tell her you need to sit down and shut Up and get off every other woman in the world’s case. Stop bitching about every other woman And trying to stir up shit for them. Close your mouth and make me a sandwich. Things would be a lot better. Am I right? And I bet none of yous will do it, either. None of yous will do it because you’re scared shitless. I know it. Women are– I don’t know. Something has happened to women, and they’re just All completely brainwashed. We’ll do anything for dick, anything for dick. What happened? We used to like freedom and liberty and this and that And being independent. Now, it’s anything for dick, putting plastic in your boobs, In your butt, in your calves, your eyes, your cheeks, Just to get some guy to get, what, an erection around you, For god’s sake? Dancing around erect phalluses? That’s your whole world, for god’s sake, now? You’re dick-mo-tized. You’re dick-tarted, for Christ’s sake? What is that about? You’re on hormones. Wake up. They’ve got all the women on the hormones because– This is what they told me. Roseanne, unfortunately, the only thing thin on you Is your vaginal walls, and so you need to get on hormones so That they’ll plump up and you’ll be able to enjoy Sex with your boyfriend. What? Those days are over! It– it’s just over. You shouldn’t even– right? You people don’t agree with me. Who’s older than me? Who’s older than 70? Kathy: Yeah! How old are you? Kathy: 71. 71. What’s your name?

Kathy: Kathy.

Kathy? So you’re a big sex fiend. You’re 71 and you’re a big sex fiend? Is that what you’re saying?

Kathy: Not at all!

Oh, you are– You identify with me, that we ought to be over all this? Is that what you’re saying? Absolutely! I love you, girl! You got a working brain there. Good. I’m glad. Now, how many of you women are trying to plump up Your vaginal wall so you can have sex with a guy You have lived with for 15 years and are sick of? I’d like to know that.

[audience laughs]

Woman: Yes, that’s for certain!

Woman: Whoo!

Woman: Shit.

Well, anyway, I’m old, like I said. And I was thinking about, a lot of people have a bucket list. You know? I don’t really want to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower or any of that shit. I got a fuck it list. Yeah, stuff I want to stop doing before I Kick the breathing habit. It’s way easier, you know, to stop doing. Like, one thing I’m gonna do is, I’m going to stop pretending To be interested when old people pull out Pictures of their grandkids. You know? Like, put that shit away. That kid looks like an albino monkey in braces. Put that shit away. I’m never going to nobody’s wedding if they’ve been married more than three times. It’s like, let me know if you’re still together After seven or so years, and I’ll send you A toaster or something, whore. I’m not gonna listen when old people start griping About their medical issues. That really bum– god, that makes me mad. Well, Roseanne, you know, I’ve got the sciatica and the fibromyalgia Going this way and that, meeting up here at the waist, going down my leg here. And it’s really painful, and I can barely– Oh, I had to go to the doctor the other day Because I could barely bend over and move there, is all. Hey, why don’t you do me a favor and just die, already? Ok? ’cause I’m their friend, I’ll put in an appearance at your funeral, But I just don’t have time for this shit now. Another thing, I’m not gonna be nice to those Jehovah’s Wit-less people that come over there, knocking on my door, Asking me where I plan on spending eternity. I’m gonna say, come on in! Come on. But you got to take your pants off ’cause it’s satan’s birthday! And last but not least, I’m never going on another date with Bill Cosby. You can believe me. Never. My back hurt after that. Well, another thing in the quarantine, Is that I was getting in touch with my psychic abilities While I was there, all by myself there. And so I know there’s probably some yous here that wants me to do a psychic reading for you While we’re all here together.

Woman: Yeah!

If you’ve got a question about your future– And it needs to be a real question, You know, thought out. I’ll give you a minute. A real question regarding your future. You might be very, very surprised at how accurate I am And how psychic, how very, very psychic I am. Ok. Is there anybody who wants me to answer their psychic–

Man: Me!

Yes, over here, sir. Uh-huh. Oh. No, you’re still gonna have to fuck her. I’m sorry to say it. Sorry. I’m sorry to say that. Why, I said it already five times, didn’t I? I failed. Sorry, sir. You’re still gonna have to have sex with her, So you won’t be getting lucky. Yes, ma’am? Will you get married? Do you have somebody you’re engaged to? And do you know anybody you want to marry? You haven’t met nobody to marry yet?

Carolyn: I’ve been married once.

You’ve been married once but you don’t know nobody. And what’s your time limit? ’cause you look like you’re Getting long in the tooth. Do you have a time limit? You don’t need to have any children or nothing. So you just want companionship? Ok, let’s see. What’s your name?

Carolyn: Carolyn.

Carolyn, where do you live?

Carolyn: Michigan.

Michigan. Oh, yeah. They like to marry there in Michigan. I think you will be getting married Within the next six months. I see it. It’s gonna be a wonderful woman. You’re going to really fall madly in love. It’s gonna be a fantastic thing. Good luck. Let me know how that works out. You, sir, in the blue. You’ve been losing weight and you Wonder if you’ll get back to wearing Your size 42 suit again? Yes, you will, sir. They’ll bury you in it.

[audience laughs]

You’re welcome. But yeah. A tour in my future? I do. They were talking to me about it and I said, yeah, I think so. You know, I feel pretty good. I feel pretty good. You know, I might do a tour. Right?

[audience cheers]

‘Cause I think that I’m spreading the love, you know? I think that I’m helpful with getting People to spread the love. You know what I mean? Like, right now, I have a very good suggestion for all My fans and all y’all here. I love you so much. Now, a lot of us are on antidepressants. And we’re very depressed and this and that Over the quarantine and the fact of what they’ve done to us, What we’ve just lived through. But I found a way, drug-free, alcohol-free, To be able to lift my own spirits, And I want to pass it on to you. And it really, really works, too. Now, what it is– What I do is, I write suicide notes to everyone in my family, Blaming them for my death. And it really helps. I mean, it really lifts me up in my spirits. You know, it really, really does. It’s so wonderful. “dear mom, remember those party dresses you sewed for me And forced me to wear to third grade Because you said they were slender-izing, The ones with the hoop skirts that I couldn’t lift up fast Enough or push out of the way on the potty, Causing me to pee on the back of them And then to be laughed at by all the other students The entire day? Well, now it seems that I’ve killed myself, And I just want you to know that you’re to blame.

[audience laughs]

Had you been a better mother or seamstress, I might be taking those western swing dancing classes with you and your new boyfriend, Arnie, right now. But instead, I’m stepping cold and hanging in the closet Like that goddamn dress. Thanks, mom!”

[applause]

It’s just– it’s just amazing how it’s lifting. “dear daughter, when you called me a racist simply Because I told you that your boyfriend was An unemployed, crack-smoking Mexican fellow, that in no way meant that I don’t love the Mexican people themselves, As I do. As I pointed out to you, you could have picked A Mexican gentleman who didn’t smoke crack, had a job, and no facial tattoos, and I would have celebrated with you. But now, I’m rolled up in the dirt like a burrito, And it’s your fault I’m dead. Hasta la vista, baby.” And something that really, really pisses me off here. “dear McDonald’s, your refusal to offer the McRib sandwich Year-round–” Because you never know when it’s gonna come back, do you? You think they could afford some kind of advertising plan Where they’d say, the McRib that comes on July 4th. July is the time for the McRib. Or they could go, Christmas is for the McRib or just anything. But no, they never tell us when it’s gonna come back, do they? So we can’t plan our lives or anything. “dear McDonald’s, refusal to offer the McRib sandwich Year-round has left me with no other choice Than to wash down a fistful of Vicodin with a jumbo bottle of vodka from Costco. Because you, sirs, have barbecue sauce as well as my blood On your hands. And I’m loving it!”

[audience laughs]

[applause]

And finally, “dear abc–” [audience laughs] Oh. [audience cheers] But as I was watching the ID channel, This commercial came on, you know. And it goes, “sometimes suicide is misplaced homicide.” And then I was like, hey. That gives me a whole new idea. What the hell here? “dear ABC, when you asked me, once again, to come back And bail out your shit, low-rated network, I did so with the same sass and vigor That I’ve always delivered, and I gave you the highest ratings You’ve seen in 10 years. Unfortunately, network executives Are not what they used to be. It was your bright idea to kill off my character And throw me under every bus that you could find. Well, guess what? I’m not the one that’s dead, bitches.” [audience cheers] Ladies and gentlemen, my final message of the evening. Don’t wait till it’s too late to tell the people you love How you really feel about them. I think that’s the message I really want to give to you all. Tonight, go home tell those you love to fuck off right now.

[audience cheers]

Thank you for coming. Thank you.

[audience cheers]

Love you. Thank you so much.

[audience cheers]

Thanks for all the support you’ve given me all these years.

[audience cheers]

Thank you. I appreciate it. Love you all!

[audience cheers]

(singing)

I’mma watch it.

[audience cheers]

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