[Hip-hop music plays] [cheers and applause] man: * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] Brennan: what’s up, y’all? Hi. How are you? [cheers and applause] Good. Um, hey, thanks for having me, first of all. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] So, hey, have you guys had that thing happen to you yet where you realize you’re too dependent on technology? Yeah, it happened to me. My buddy was visiting from out of town, and he called me up. He was like, “dude, I need directions to your house.” I was like, “all right, cool. You got a pen?” And he goes, “yeah,” and I go, “write this down. “here’s the directions. You’re gonna go to google.com.” [laughter] “You’re gonna type in my address.” [laughter] “Do whatever they say.” [laughter] He was like, “I’m not near a computer right now,” and I was like, “all right, do you have GPS on your phone?” He goes, “no, I have, like, an old flip phone.” Like, “well, then I don’t think you can come to my house.” [laughter] I have cable and running water. It’s gonna freak you out.
I was just in Seattle a couple weeks ago. Washington state now… [crowd cheers] yeah… Washington state said, “you know, weed legal.” [cheers and applause] “Weed legal, texting and driving against the law.” [laughter] So, basically, a cop could pull you over, walk up to the car, see you rolling a joint on your lap, and be like, “oh, I’m sorry, sir, “I thought you were texting and driving. Have a great day.” [laughter and applause]
So, I live in California, and California, the law is that we can’t talk on the phone and drive. We can’t text and drive. To talk on the phone and drive, we got to have the hands-free device. But my hands-free device broke recently, like a year and a half ago. [laughter] So, we all have same plan pretty much for not getting pulled over… Here’s what we do. We’ll be driving along, talking to our friend, look over, see a cop. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughter continues] Then you got to yell to your friend like, “yo, there’s a cop next to me.” Just hang out for a second, all right?” [laughter] Same plan? Yeah. Never catch us, these bitch-ass cops. [laughs] Texting and driving… Also illegal. That, I got to say, I agree with, though, ’cause texting and driving is some mind-bending shit, isn’t it? You’ll be driving along and be like, “you know what?” let me just click on…” [laughter] “text my friend here.” You look up, and you’re like, “wow. Was I driving that whole time?” [laughter] “That shit was dangerous. Fuck.” [laughter] “‘Cause when I looked down, I was on the highway. And now I’m in my garage.” [laughter] “Well, at least it was an important text.” [laughter] “No, you’re retarded.” [laughter] [laughs] Not supposed to say “retarded.” but I think we all have a word that we’re like, “no, I’m gonna keep saying that one.” [laughter] I got a couple.
Um, you know why we all have a word? You know why we keep saying “retarded,” even though we shouldn’t, is ’cause, uh, ’cause we’re dicks. [laughter] You know how you know human beings are dicks is by who we hold up as great ’cause they’re not even really that great. Like, Mother Teresa’s famous ’cause she gave away free soup. But we’re such dicks, we heard that and like, “wait a minute. “She gave away free soup? “she didn’t charge for croutons or nothing? This woman’s a frickin’ saint.” Martin Luther King’s famous ’cause he said, “hey, despite the differences in the color of our skin, let’s all be good to each other.” Again, we’re such dicks, we heard this, we’re like, “racial tolerance?” “who thinks of this shit? “You’re getting your own holiday, Martin Luther King. “Yeah, your birthday, I don’t go to work. That’s how much you mean to me.” [laughter] Jesus is famous ’cause he said, “treat other people the way you want them to treat you.” We heard this, we’re like, “this Jesus is on some next-level shit.” [laughter] “We’re gonna worship you, Jesus, and your dad. This doesn’t end tonight, believe me.” [laughter] “Necklaces with you on it, t-shirts.” ‘You’re my homeboy.’ “We’re gonna worship your mom but not your stepdad, ’cause fuck him for some reason.”
[laughter and applause]
Joseph got a raw deal, huh? More on that in a second. [laughter] You know, Jesus… Like, we’re crazy into Jesus. Like, if aliens came down to earth, they’ll be like, “who is this guy with the beard” you guys are so into?” “Oh, his name is Jesus. From Nazareth.” [laughter] “Really? What did he do that was so great?” “What he did that was so great was, he told us to be nice to each other.” [laughter] “This was recently?” [laughter] “No, actually, this was a couple thousand years ago, as a matter of fact.” “And no one else has said that since?” “Uh, no, one other guy… Black dude with a mustache. Martin Luther King… He said it, too.” “All right, so, let me get this straight.” You guys are such dicks that in 2,000 years, “only two of you went around saying, ‘hey, everyone, let’s be nice’?” “Yeah, but I don’t think that makes us dicks.” “All right, well, what’d you do to those two?” “All right, we’re dicks.” [laughter] [applause]
So, yeah, so, back to Joseph. [laughter] Worst part of the Bible! Worst part of the Bible. He goes out of town, comes back, Mary’s like, “I’m pregnant.” And he’s like, “we haven’t had sex in six months.” “No, it was a ghost.” “Oh, that’s gonna be easier for me to deal with emotionally. All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got to say, I’m way too passive-aggressive, ’cause if I were Joseph and Mary was like, “hey, would you mind changing Jesus’ diaper?” I’d be like, “no, but maybe the ghost will. “Any word from the ghost? “Anything about chipping in a jerusa-dollars “for Jesus’ preschool? Nothing?” [laughter] “I got to get a bartending job ’cause of the ghost? All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I’m all gacked out on… On Jesus. [chuckles]
Now, I went to catholic school 12 years. So, catholic school… All right, first of all, catholic school 12 years, people’s first question when they hear that is, “hey, Neal, did you get molested?” it’s the sign of a classy organization, isn’t it? And to answer the question, no, I didn’t get molested. I fucked a few priests. [laughter] But I didn’t get… I didn’t get molested. I ain’t no bitch, you understand? 8-year-old me fucking a priest. “Forgive me, father. You know why. “[laughs]” wshoo! [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Catholic school is like prison. You got to strike first. [laughter] [laughs] see, growing up catholic, it, you know, it makes people crazy. Like christian politicians are nuts to me, like where we can’t have any contraception anywhere in the school. They’ll be like, “we can’t have condoms in the schools”, “’cause if we have condoms in the schools, kids will automatically have sex with each other.” Which makes about as much sense as kids being like, “hey, I got some band-aids. We should cut each other.” Makes no sense. [laughter] and then there’s all this stuff in the bible that you kind of take at face value, growing up. And then you get a little distance from it, and you’re kind of like, “wait. What?” like, “this is a letter from Paul to the Philippians.” like, “all right.” when you give it a little distance, you go, “who writes letters to entire groups of people?” [laughter] “this is a letter from Larry to the Puerto Ricans.” [laughter] “dear Puerto Ricans, would you mind keeping the music down?” [laughter] “Sincerely, big Lar.” [laughs] [laughter]
So, 12 years of catholic school, then I moved to New York, started hanging out with black dudes. [laughter] Bang. Bang. Bang. [laughter and applause] I don’t know them. They just are here. [laughter] [sniffles] You barely qualified, you’re so light-skinned, by the way. [laughter and applause] [laughs] yeah, so, I got a lot of black friends. I have like over, uh… Over 20. Now it’s like almost 30. Um… No, I got a lot of black friends. Here’s the thing about my black friends. My black friends can relax in a way that my white friends can’t. White people, we’re not very good at relaxing. You know why? I figured it out, ’cause we’re always worrying about the rules. And who’s breaking the rules. The other thing about being white… You got to admit it… We got tattletale in our DNA. [laughter] we got snitch in our blood, white people. I’ll be at a nightclub with my black friends. It’ll be packed. Everybody’s drinking, dancing, laughing, having a great time, and I’m trying to fit in like, “there must be 350 people in here right now.” I wonder what the fire marshal would have to say about that?” [laughter] [laughter continues] white people love the rules so much that we will go on police ride-alongs… For fun. [laughter] do you have any idea how white that is? You ever try to explain that to black people, like, “yeah, I call the precinct. “I say, ‘hey, this is Neal. “I’m white, and I’d like to go for a ride-along.’ “they send over a squad car. “I get in the back seat, which is fun for me ’cause what other opportunity would I have to do that?” [laughs evilly] [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[laughs evilly] [laughter] [laughs evilly] White people… We love the rules. And we should, white people. We made ’em. [laughter and applause] we made ’em. Native Americans had their rules. We’re like, “no, thank you. Brought our own.” some rules are really obvious white people made. You know what the most obvious white rule of all time is? “no loitering.” [laughter and applause] [scoffs] you know what black people call loitering? “chillin’.” that’s correct. [laughter] but white people tried it, they were like, “all right”, “let’s see about this chillin’ here. “try this out. No, we’ve got to outlaw that. I don’t like that one bit.” [laughter] “it’s far too relaxing. We’re not making a profit. We’re not invading anything. I don’t like it.” [laughter] but there’s a price to pay, white people, for loving the rules as much as we do. We can’t sleep. Never… I’ve never met a black insomniac in my entire life. [laughter] meanwhile, every white person I know has sleep issues. You know why? ‘Cause we’re up tossing and turning every night, thinking about who broke the rules that day. [laughter] “he doesn’t think I saw him, but, oh, yeah, I saw you, Chet. “And guess what? “tomorrow, I’m telling. “You know when I’m telling? “White people’s favorite time of day… First thing in the morning.” [laughter] [applause]
Can’t sleep, white people. We need body pillows to get to sleep, need the mattress with the red wine balanced on top of it. [laughter] humidifier, dehumidifier… [laughter] an ionizer from the sharper image, a white- noise machine from the skymall, sleep masks, breathe easy nose strips, ambien, tylenol p.m. You want to know what it takes my black friends to fall asleep? A bite of a sandwich and a moment of silence. [laughter] [applause] They’re out. My white friends, asleep, it looks like they’re on life support, they have so much shit in their room. [laughter] My black friends, it looks like they fell asleep midconversation. [laughter]
Here’s the other thing about my black friends. They’re all in better shape than me. All of them… The old ones, the babies… They’re all in better shape than me. [laughter] I have a ton of black baby friends. I’m not gonna apologize for that. No, they’re all in better shape. I’m white, I’m vegan, I work out twice a week, and I basically have the body of a black dude who just got out of a coma, pretty much. [laughter] Like, I was thinking it’s a good thing Superman landed in Smallville and not, like, Detroit. [laughter] ’cause if Superman landed in Detroit, he would have been, like, the fourth fastest dude on his football team. [laughter] “You’re fast, Clark, but you’re no Jevaris Morrison.” [laughter] [laughs]
Yeah, I’m vegan. Please, please hold your applause. No, I got… I, you know, I live in L.A. So it’s easy to be vegan. You need big cities. New York, L.A., it’s easy, but the rest of the country, you might as well walk up to people and be like, “hey, where do faggots eat?” [laughter] I wish I had more on that joke. That’s the whole joke. [laughter] [laughs] But that’s what’s great about stand-up. It’s like, I say “faggot,” you know I’m the faggot in that joke. It’s fine. That’s… Offstage, that’s… We can say stuff.
Like, offstage especially, like, me and my black comic friends will have the best conversations where they’ll say funny stuff about white people and I’ll say funny stuff about black people, and it’s cool. But they’ll be like, “Neal”, “you know white people are sick in the head, right? “that’s why y’all be killing motherfuckers “and freezing them and eating them months later. “So you people are deranged, brother. “That’s why you never see any black serial killers, “is ’cause black people aren’t sick in the head like white people are.” I’m like, “no, dude”, “the reason I’ve never seen a black serial killer “is ’cause you guys kill one person and are immediately arrested.” [laughter] “Maybe if you didn’t write a song about it that afternoon.” [laughter] “How’d you catch me?” “Hot 97.” “All right, fair enough.” [laughter]
I got a lot of Mexican friends. Here’s the thing. I live in the southwest. People want to deport Mexicans. Why would you want to deport the hardest-working people on the planet? Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. Mexicans… [cheers and applause] Mexicans, please, conserve your energy. We need you for work tomorrow. [laughter] Two more jokes, and it’s vámonos, okay? [laughter] White people are gonna need you tomorrow. You know what time? First thing in the morning. That’s correct. [laughs] [laughter and applause] [chuckles] People want to deport Mexicans. Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. You know why I say “the planet”? Look at Europe. You know why everything’s so old in Europe? ‘Cause they don’t have any Mexicans there to build them new shit? [laughter] Mexicans would have a new Colosseum up in three days, for real. Two days if we paid them cash. [laughter] Still not convinced? All right. Mexicans will stand around… All day in a parking lot… Just in case some work breaks out. [laughter] Do you understand that? They’re like hookers for construction jobs. [laughter and applause] You won’t see any other race of people doing that. Whenever I see a bunch of Mexicans standing in line in a parking lot, I think home depot. Whenever I see a bunch of white people standing in line in a parking lot, I think “Harry Potter” premiere. [laughter and applause] [chuckles]
I got a lot of Asian friends, as well. I got in trouble with my Asian friends and people on twitter, ’cause last… When Jeremy Lin first started playing well… The kid plays for the rockets… He used to play for the Knicks… “linsanity”… First Asian-american basketball player to do really well… And everybody was calling him “linsanity,” “Cinderella story,” “the underdog”… So, finally, I went on twitter, and I said, “you guys”, I’m afraid if you keep calling Jeremy Lin an underdog, “his family will eat him.” [laughter] I thought I beat them fair and square, but I lost a lot of followers that day. That’s all I’m gonna say. [laughter] I’m stupid about this race stuff, ’cause I used to always ask people if they were mixed… If they were half white and half Asian… I would always ask them which parent was what race. But I realized it’s a stupid question. You know why? If someone’s mixed… If someone’s half white and half Asian… The dad was never Asian. [laughter] [applause] Ever. White girls are just not into Asian dudes. Like, I’ve never been to the club and been like, “fuck, the Asian guys are here.” [laughter and applause] White dudes, though, we’re, like, Asian-girl-crazy. We got all these dumb-ass old stereotypes about them, too, like, “she’s gonna make me soup.” What? [laughter] “She’s gonna walk on my back.” What are you talking about? [laughter] Like, when I see Lucy Liu, I’m like, “God, I got to have her.” When the average white girl sees Jackie Chan, she’s like, “huh.” [laughter] “I wonder what Chris Tucker has been up to recently.” [laughter] [chuckles]
So, yeah, I think about race all the time. Solutions… Eh, I don’t know. People try to come… White people especially have terrible solutions for it. Like, they don’t even know what the… Like, there was a story on “60 minutes” last year about “Huckleberry Finn,” the book… Mark Twain book, “Huckleberry Finn.” all right, “Huckleberry Finn”… I didn’t even remember this… “Huckleberry Finn” has a bunch of “n” words in it. It’s got 219 “n” words in it… Yeah… Which to me is six too many. [laughter] There’s a line. You know what I mean? All right, so, now, the story was about white people’s big plan is, they want to get rid of all the “n” words in “Huckleberry Finn.” It was just some typical white-people shit for you. Like, that’s white people’s grand solution for helping black people. Like, some white statistician’s like, “you know, fellas”, “I’ve been looking at the numbers. “black people have shorter life-spans, can’t get loans, “and don’t have access to fair education. “But I think I have the solution. “We’re gonna get rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ It’s gonna change everything forever.” Like, some black kids dropping out of school will be like, “fuck school.” I’m gonna sell drugs for the rest of my life,” and they’ll be like, “hey, Donnell, we got rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.'” “You did what, now? All right.” [laughter] All right, this is where I over-think it, this racial stuff. ‘Cause you know who I feel bad for now? I feel bad for Mark Twain aficionados. ‘Cause think about it. Now when they go to get the original “Huckleberry Finn,” they’re gonna seem like complete racists. [laughter] they’re gonna have to go into bookstores like, “hi.” [laughter] “hey, kind of a crazy question, but, uh…” [laughter] “do you guys happen to carry ‘Huckleberry Finn’ with the ‘n i g g e r s’?” [laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] And the redneck behind the counter is gonna be like, “sure do, brother. “Comes with a free confederate-flag bookmark. That’s for you.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Relax, you babies. That joke’s entirely fictional. A redneck will never work at a bookstore. [laughter] [chuckles]
[cheers and applause]
Redneck at a bookstore would be like, “Pride and Prejudice is the name of my truck.” [laughter] [chuckles] That is a very good joke. That’s my smartest joke. [laughter and applause] [chuckles]
So, now, all right, so, I said the “n” word. We’re all still here. Like I said, I got a lot of black friends, and, white people, I have actual black friends. And I know a lot of white people, like, think you have black friends, but you’re not really friends with somebody unless you can yell at them and they can yell at you back. A lot of white people have two standards for your white friends or your black friends. If one of your white friends screws up, you’ll get legitimately pissed and be like, “dude, what the fuck?” but if one of your black friends screws up, you immediately go into human-resources mode, like, “Malik…” Malik, your behavior has made me very uncomfortable.” [laughter] “I think, going forward, we need to be more cognizant.” [laughter] “I’ve drawn up a powerpoint.” boop. [laughter] plus, I’m a hip-hop kid, so I’ve been messing with the “n” word since n.w.a. That was a big one, yeah. Yeah. [cheers and applause] n.w.a. If you don’t remember them, they were a rap group. They were… They were “straight outta compton.” [laughter] [laughs] it was… It was easy-e, ice cube, dr. Dre, a couple other dudes. All right, so, eazy-e died of aids… Hilarious. Um… [laughter] [laughs] Dr. Dre doesn’t make music anymore. He just makes headphones, and, um… [laughter] ice cube just makes these shitty-ass family movies. I actually had a movie idea for ice cube where ice cube from 1989 travels forward in time and beats the fuck out of ice cube today. [laughter] he didn’t want to do it. All right, so, if you don’t know what n.w.a. Stood for, it stood for “n i g g a z with attitude.” now, the way I always felt about it, once they had the “n,” they kind of didn’t need the w.a. [laughter] the “n” did most of the heavy lifting for them. No one was ever like, “sir, there’s some n i g g a z here to see you.” “do they have attitude?” [laughter] “I’m afraid they do, sir.” “shit!”
Also, I get called the “n” word every day. Thanks, fellas. No, I get called the “n” word… No, I get called the “n” word every day… Text, phone, person, constantly. My black friends constantly call me the “n” word. It’s so bad and it’s been going on for so long that I call myself the “n” word when no one’s around. I’ll be in my car around lunchtime. And I’ll be like, “n i g g a, you need to eat. Who are you talking to?” [laughter and applause] [laughs] I remember when my black friends first started calling me the “n” word. Let’s face it. It was pretty exciting. [laughter] but it was always confusing ’cause they were doing it to make me feel like a part of the group, but it actually had the opposite effect ’cause I couldn’t say it back to them. So it just made me feel that much whiter, you know? I’d walk up to the group, and they’d be like, “what’s up, n i g g a?” and I’d be like… [laughter] “hello!”
[laughter and applause]
[whimpers] [laughter] So, then… So, then, finally one day, I just asked them like, “hey, fellas”, can I start saying it back?” so they had a meeting. [laughter] and I got approved. Yeah. [cheers and applause] [chuckling] thank you very much. They said I’m one of six white people that’s ever been approved, three of whom… Beastie boys. All right. So, now I could say it, but I forgot I could only say it around brothers I was friends with, ’cause a couple weeks later, walking down the street. I listening to my ipod. Something called the Craig Mack “flava in ya ear” remix comes on. All right, a lot of people know. For the rest of you, biggie is on the song… Notorious b.I.g. [cheers and applause] Puffy’s friend. [laughter] biggie’s first line is, “n i g g a s is mad. I get more butt than ashtrays,” which is a wonderful double entendre. [laughter and applause] biggie really spoke to me. So, I’m walking down the street, not paying attention, like, “n i g g a s is mad.” I get more butt than ashtrays.” and I look up, and this brother’s glaring at me. He goes, “yo, motherfucker”, who the fuck said to say ‘n i g g a, ‘ white boy?” I was like, “um…” [laughter] “do you know Jamal?” [laughter] [applause] and he was like, “oh, you must be Neal. “I heard a lot about you, n i g g a. Heard you got approved. Give me some love.” [laughter] [applause] [cheers and applause] and then he stole my ipod. Look… [laughter] he had every right. You know I had all the music backed up, ’cause that’s what white people do. To the cloud, white people, to the cloud. [laughter] [laughs]
All right, so, race, religion. Let’s go politics. I’m an Obama dude, if you can believe it. Um… [cheers and applause] you know what’s amazing about Obama is people don’t even realize it. Like, being the first black president isn’t even, like, the biggest thing he’s done. You know how he met Michelle? Michelle was a lawyer, and he was her intern. Is not the most pimped-out shit you’ve ever heard in your life? So, she was like, “go make some coffee.” he was like, “yeah, and then, after that, you’re gonna give me some pussy?” “what?” [laughter] I like Barack. I got to meet him. That’s part of the reason I like him. I met him last… No, I mean, when you meet somebody, you’re like, “he’s my friend.” no, I can call him whenever. I met him for 30 seconds.” I met him last year at the white house correspondents’ dinner. My buddy Seth Meyers hosted it, and I wrote a bunch of jokes with him, and… And we got… I got to go, and the day before, I got, like, a tour of the white house… Like, a good tour. Like, I met the dog. [laughter] totally cool dog, by the way. Hasn’t gone to his head at all. Just a real regular dog. [laughter] and then we go through the white house. Then, we go to the oval office. In the oval office, across from the Clinton blow-job desk, it was, like, literally, like the first thing you think is, like, “oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.” they’re like, “you want to touch it?” I’m like, “no thank you.” there’s… There was a coffee table. On the coffee table, there’s a bowl of apples. Seth’s mom is on the tour, as well, and she goes, “hey, are those apples real?” and the woman giving us the tour was like, “yeah, would one of you like one?” I’m like, “yeah, I’m a fucking taxpayer.”
So, uh, so, I’m eating an apple in the white house, in the oval office. On the wall, Obama has the original copy of the emancipation proclamation, yeah, which I’m pretty sure is just there in case the tea party’s like, “we don’t think you’re free.” “all right, look at the wall.” [laughs] that’s all they have left. This is literally all they have left. So, then, the next day, we go to the correspondents’ dinner itself, and… And beforehand, there’s, like, a little reception, like a small room, like 100 people, probably. We’re all in tuxedos. At a certain point, they let the president and first lady in, and they put them behind red-velvet ropes. We’re supposed to go up, introduce ourselves, say who we are, get our picture taken. All right, so, I’d heard Michelle was a “Chappelle’s Show” fan, so I was like, “all right, you know what? Let me exploit that shit, for once.” kidding… I… I exploit it every day. [laughs evilly] um… So, it’s my turn, and president Obama’s here. First lady Obama’s there, and… And I walk up to the president. I go, “hey, man,” which I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to call him. [laughter] but it was better than like, [coolly] “hey, man.” um… “is this your girl? What up, ma?” um… [laughter] [normal voice] so, so, so, I go up, and I go… I go, “hey, man, my name’s Neal Brennan, and I created ‘Chappelle’s Show’ with Dave Chappelle.” and he goes [as Obama] “oh, man, we love that show. “in fact, that’s got to be considered one of the greatest shows of all time,” [normal voice] which I got to say… [laughter and applause] I got to say, felt pretty good. Like, if he’d wanted a hand job, I would’ve given it to him. [laughter] so, he goes, [as Obama] “Michelle, this guy created ‘Chappelle’s show’ with Dave Chappelle,” [normal voice] so Michelle comes over. And goes, “we were so upset when it went off the air,” and I go, “how do you think I felt?” [laughter] so, uh… [laughter] so, now we’re getting our picture taken, and that day, Obama had gone to Alabama to look at tornado damage, then he went to Cape Canaveral for some NASA stuff, then he goes to Miami, gives a commencement address at a college, then he’s gonna come back to d.c., take pictures with weirdos for an hour. Then he’s got to do stand-up… Big day. Kills bin laden the next day. Did more in 36 hours than George Bush did in his whole life. All right, so…
[laughter, cheers and applause]
Yeah. Yeah. All right, so… So, now we’re getting our picture taken. And there’s people lined up to meet him like he’s Santa Claus or something. It’s like Rupert Murdoch and Sean Penn… Like, literally, wanting to meet him like he’s Santa Claus. Like, “what do you want for Christmas, little boy?” “tax cuts.” “all right.” [laughter] so, this is how smooth Obama is. We’re getting our picture taken, and I say to him… I go… I go, “god, man, this is all so weird.” I go, “do you ever get used to this?” and he goes, “nope.” and then I swear to god, he goes, “but, you know”, I can’t just up and retire like Dave Chappelle did.” [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
And I was like, “motherfucker, what did you say?” [laughter] and he’s like, “you heard me. Chicago, bitch.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] secret service was like, “let them fight, let them fight. I got $50 on the white boy.” [laughter] it was awesome. Smooth dude. Which brings me to Mitt Romney. Doesn’t he feel like a weird-ass, like, ’80s movie-dad dream we all had of him? [laughter] thing about Romney… Super rich dude. That’s the thing. Everybody wants to be super rich, but here’s what you don’t think about. If you ever get super rich and then you have kids, there’s like a 98% chance that your kids are gonna be dickheads. [laughter] and then you start to get older and dying, and then they’re grown up, wearing yachting outfits, just waiting for you to croak so they can spend your money on cocaine and boats and shit. If I ever get super rich and if I have kids, like, if they’re nice, I’ll leave them money in my will, but if they’re dickheads, I got a whole nother plan. Hear me out. All right. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna gather my kids around my deathbed. I’m gonna be like, “look, kids”, “I’m gonna pay for my own funeral. “whatever’s left over, you kids can split up amongst yourselves.” and then I’m gonna have the most expensive funeral… in the history of death.
I’m gonna have, like, a platinum casket, my name written in diamonds on the side. My social security number beneath it, too, ’cause, fuck it, I’m dead now. What are they gonna do with it? Open casket. I’m gonna buy all kinds of movie props and demand to be buried in them. I’m wearing Humphrey Bogart’s hat from “Casablanca”… [laughter] Darth Vader’s cape. I got Indiana Jones’ whip in my right hand… [laughter] Jimi Hendrix’s guitar from Woodstock in my left. I’m wearing Rocky’s boxing trunks. I got Dorothy’s ruby-red slippers on from The Wizard of Oz. [laughter] my kids are gonna be like, “we’re out $15 million on the casket alone.” yeah, that’s just the beginning. Then they’re gonna hear, “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jay-Z, Kanye West.” [rapping indistinctly] those guys come out. They do the full “watch the throne” show… Pyro, monitors, standing ovation, then, Jay-Z’s like, “Neal couldn’t decide.” who should say his funeral mass, “then, he realized it could only be one person. “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the pope. Here comes the pope.” I don’t know what the pope would say, but based on his outfit, it should probably be something like, “boo-oo-oo-oo!” [laughter] then the… Then the pope’s like, “Neal always loved comedy.” “please welcome the cast of ‘Seinfeld’ reunion. Here they come.” Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, George. Kramer steps up. He’s like, “are Jay-Z and Kanye still here, by any chance?”
[laughter and groans]
“look… “look, fellas, I just wanted to apologize “for that night at the laugh factory. “as a show of reconciliation, I’d like to donate $10 million to the united negro college fund.” and then a hologram of me appears, and I go, “and, Kramer, I will match that donation.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] and my kids get like 80 bucks each. [laughter] everyone else there is like, “that’s the best fucking funeral I’ve ever been to in my life.” [laughter] hey, you know what I’m sick of? I’m sick of everybody telling me what tv shows I got to watch. It’s, like, all people talk about. “I like ‘game of thrones, ‘ bro.” “hey, ‘mad men.'” “uh, ‘breaking bad.'” “uh…” [laughter] “uh…” my buddy wanted me to watch Battlestar Galactica for years, he bugged me. I avoided it. People still into it. I avoided it. Now it’s on Netflix. My buddy Kev’s bugging me, so, finally, I broke down and watched one episode of Battlestar Galactica. and it turns out, you guys, I don’t give a fuck about space problems. [laughter] I personally like shows like “hoarders” and “teen mom”… Shows that make me feel… [cheers and applause] yeah. Shows that make me feel good about me. I watch an episode of “teen mom,” and I’m like, “you know what, Neal? You’ve made a lot of really good decisions, yeah.” [laughter] so, I say to my buddy… I go, “look, man”, I tried to watch your show, and I didn’t like it.” and he said what people always say when they recommend a show and you don’t like it. He goes, “dude, you got to watch the whole series.” [laughter] do I? It’s six seasons long. It’s 12 episodes a seasons. It’s an hour long an episode. That’s 72 hours of shows. That’s a big commitment. Pretty much, I can either watch Battlestar Galactica or get, like, a helicopter pilot’s license. [laughter] it’s a long asset. I got to say, it was way more fun before Netflix and iTunes and DVD, ’cause it used to be, in the ’80s and ’90s, if you didn’t see a show when it first aired, it was great, ’cause you were off the hook. Someone would go, “hey, Neal”, did you see ‘blossom’ last night?” “nope, and I never fucking will, either.” [laughter] “shit’s gone with the wind, my friend.” [blows] [laughter] “sure, they’ll rerun ‘blossom’ in the summer, “but on summer nights, I ride bikes and finger chicks, ’cause I’m 11.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] who… Anybody here married?
really? Geez. So, marriage is pretty much over, seems like? [laughter] I think people are coming to the same conclusion. I’m scared to get married, man. I’m in my 30s. I’m supposed to be. But it just feels like gambling. Feels like gambling. Marriage is basically a woman saying to me, like, “hey, Neal, you still gonna love me in 30 years?” and it’s like, “I hope so”, but I don’t want to bet you half my shit over it.” [laughter] plus, I don’t think women even care about it. I think… Here’s what I think women care about. I think women care about being cute. Ladies, I think you spend most of your lives in your own heads, thinking about cute things that you’re gonna do in the future. And basically, guys are just props in that. [laughter] and you like a lot of lead time to think about this cute shit, too. That’s why you’re always planning ahead so far, ladies, where you’ll be like, “hey, can we go to the botanical gardens” three Sundays from now?” and we’re like, “sure, babe.” and in the back of our heads, we’re like, “hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.” [laughter] it’s so that you can take the full few weeks thinking about how cute you’re gonna look, and you don’t even care about these places. You don’t care about the botanical gardens or sailing or wine tasting. You go to these things for one thing and one thing only, ladies. You got to get a picture… [laughter] of yourself… [laughter] looking cute… [laughter] [applause] as, like, a receipt or a proof of purchase… [laughter] that something cute happened… [laughter] and you were the one who did it. Fellas, we can be in the picture, but it’s for her, looking cute, so that she can post the picture online so that her enemies can see it. [laughter] yes. [cheers and applause] she wants her enemies to see it and be like, “shit, this bitch is cute.”
[laughter and applause]
Cute, cute, cute. It’s huge. It affects everything. You know what I noticed recently, ladies? Because of this cute thing, every girl I know, all the time, is two things… Freezing… [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] starving. [laughter] “oh, my god, I’m so cold. Is anybody else freezing and starving?” no, it’s 75 degrees in here, and there’s food everywhere. [laughter] “rude.” [laughter] ladies, you all say the same thing, too. “I haven’t had anything to eat all day.” [laughter] you haven’t had anything to eat all day? “I had lunch.” [laughter] [chuckles] but, like, you don’t have lunch? I don’t know what the hell you eat at lunch. You eat the most obscure stuff in the world. Always like, “all I had for lunch today” was, like, a little bit of coconut water “and a handful of hummus.” [laughter] were you captured by AL-Qaeda at lunch? What happened at lunch? [laughter] you know why you’re freezing and starving. ‘Cause you don’t wear enough clothes, and you don’t eat enough. [laughter] problem solved. [laughter] no, I just realized the eating thing is a whole nother thing, but the dressing thing… I realized how women dress. Women dress for the first 30 seconds of wherever they’re going. [laughter] [applause] you basically… You basically dress for the entrance, like, “he-e-e-y!” [squealing indistinctly] [laughter] [squealing continues]
[laughter and applause]
And then you spend the rest of the party like [moans] “I’m freezing, my feet hurt, we have to go home!” [laughter] [chuckles] so, the cute thing is big… And the emotional thing. [light laughter] women being emotional has weird side effects. One of them… The big one, to me, is the way women tell stories, ’cause, ladies, I don’t know if you knew this or not, but a lot of guys think that your storytelling stinks. [laughter] it doesn’t stink. We just don’t want to hear it. That’s the thing. Women are emotional. So your stories are subtle and emotional and relationship-based. That’s not how men like our stories. We like our stories like three-panel cartoon strips, like, “he punched me, I stabbed him”, we both went to jail.” great. [laughter] it’s a great story. Again, women’s stories… Subtle, emotional, relationship- based. It’ll be like, “sheila came into work today. “she was being all weird to me. It was like, ‘is she being weird or I am being weird?'” [laughter] and women hear that and are like, “that’s an amazing story.”
And guys hear that, we’re like, “nothing happened.” [laughter] being the only guy in a roomful of women, listening to one woman tell a story, is like being in a 3-d movie theater, and everyone’s got the glasses on except for you. [laughter] where they’re like, “aah!” you know, like, “this is blurry and confusing.” [laughter] the cute thing… All right. You know what, women? You know what you do that’s crazier than any… Anything else to be cute? Pretend like you’re tall. [laughter] you’re not. [laughter] you’re not tall when you’re wearing your… You’re wearing your fake heels. You… It’s like, you know the average woman’s 5 1/2 inches shorter than the average guy. You forget that ’cause they wear heels all the time. You think your girl is like around your height, until the end of the night, when you get home and remember how short she is when she takes her shoes off. Like, “wasn’t tonight a fun night? “such a fun night. We should go out to those bars more often.”
[laughter and applause]
“Such a fun, fun night.” “look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and take out 60% of my hair.” [laughter and applause] “and when I come back, we need to talk about you being more honest with me.” [laughter and applause] chicken cutlet, chicken cutlet. Now… [laughter] yeah, so, fellas, you know, we got to empathize. Empathize with your girl. Tell her she’s cute. She’ll be like, “oh, I wasn’t even thinking about it.” she was thinking about it. Don’t even… [singsong voice] “selfie!” [laughter] [chuckles] [normal voice] and then, ladies, we need empathy in a whole nother direction ’cause I don’t think you understand what it’s like to be a dude. ‘Cause I had a girl recently ask me… She goes, “what’s your type?” I was like, “I don’t really have a type,” and she goes, “why not?” and I go, “um, ’cause I never get to pick.”
It’s never up to the guy. It’s up to the girl. Girls are the buyers. Men are the sellers. Basically, me and every guy in here are pretty much… Dick salesmen. [laughter]
In fact, you know what? I’m a used dick salesman. [grunting] [laughter and applause] no payments till June. [grunts] [laughter] low miles. [laughter] leaks a little bit in the summer. [grunts] [laughter] I just got turned down by 3 women in like 10 seconds. As a guy, it’s about average. [laughter] basically, a guy’s entire life is just like [grunting] [laughter] and then we die. That’s what our life is. A party is, basically, a guy’s like [grunts] and a girl’s like, “I’m freezing!” [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [laughter] [chuckles] [laughs] [grunting] [laughter] yeah, guys get rejected constantly. That’s the thing. Like… It’s why we can’t have feelings. [laughter] it’s too much… Too much dick to sell. [laughter] [chuckles] women have feelings, which is why you don’t handle rejection well. Women will hit on a guy like once every two years. And if it doesn’t go your way, you get furious immediately. You’ll be like, “hey, I kind of think you’re cute,” and the guy will be, “I’m gonna stay with my friends.” “you’re a fucking asshole. You know that?” [laughter] it’s… Ladies, ’cause you don’t [sighs] you don’t live… This is where we need empathy. You don’t live in the sexual tyranny that men live under just constantly. [growling] [laughter] men get erections in our sleep. [laughter] do you understand that? Basically, our brain’s are like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” and our dicks are like “fuck that, bro. I’m staying up.”
[laughter and applause]
[chuckles] Bro, you don’t know what’s gonna happen here alone in your locked house at 3:45 in the morning. A girl could just come busting through the wall, kool-aid-man style… [laughter] [chuckles] demanding some sex. I, for one, am gonna be awake when it happens. [laughter] [laughter continues] uh, I’m in the middle of something. [grunts] [laughter] yeah, it’s hard being a dude. I don’t think… Like, I’ll… Sometimes I’ll have a girl with me, and other girls will come up to me and be like, “you know”, you could do so much better than that.” and it’s like, “oh, I know, but I can’t take that chance.” [laughter] [chuckles] and guys will be hateful in a different way, ’cause, you know, they’re fellow salesmen.
So if I have a good-looking girl with me, they’ll be like, “dude, you know that girl’s only with you” ’cause of your career, right?” and I’ll be like, “um”, yeah, of course I know that.” [laughter] “why do you think I have a career?” [laughter] you think I’m gonna rely on my body to get women? No. My 18th birthday, I stood naked in the mirror, and I was like, “you better write some jokes.”
[laughter and applause]
yeah, it’s also exhausting being a guy. A girl said recently… She goes, “I’m so sick of guys hitting on me.” great, I’m so sick of hitting on you. [laughter] it’s boring. It’s so… You don’t think I hear what I’m saying? I know it’s terrible. I’m there. It’s also so time-consuming. Like, I just want to, like, run into the store and run out. Next thing I know, I’m stuck in the parking lot, like, “hey, miss, I love your blouse.” “where’d you get it? “I personally don’t give a shit, but my dick wanted me to ask.” [laughter] “also, he wanted me to say [grunts]” [laughter] [applause] [laughs] be gay! They tell me. [laughter] [laughs] I’d love to be gay! Sexually, they know how to treat a guy over there. A gay club is basically one group of guys like [grunts] then another group of guys like [grunting] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughs] [speaking indistinctly] [laughter] [chuckles] like, gender- wise, there are massive differences when it comes to sex. That’s why women date guys… It’s because you’re emotional that you can date guys that are locked up of in the military. First of all, I think you like dating gates that are locked up, ’cause you like knowing where he is. [laughter] [chuckles] where you be like, “he wants to be with me, but the state won’t let him.” [laughter] and, fellas, I know what you’re thinking. “locked up? Well, what about sex?” they don’t need us for sex, dummy. You think you can please your woman more than she can please herself to the idea of you? You know how much hotter you are in her head than you are in real life?
You know, you’ll look at your girl, and be like, “why is she dating?” she’s not dating. She’s dating a way hotter you in her head. [laughter] also, a woman’s sexual-fantasy world is bananas. Every time a woman pleasures herself, she makes like a hundred-million-dollar epic movie in her head. Dozens of horses and carriages, it’s thunderstorming, thousands of extras in period garb. [laughter] that’s why guys, we got bad sexual imaginations, which is why, like, we need a woman or porn. ‘Cause if we don’t have a woman or porn, we’re fucked. [laughter] ’cause all we can come up with on our own is, like, a person and a place. [laughter] so they’re like, “I’m gonna have sex with Angelina Jolie” in my basement. [grunting]” [laughter] so, a girl asked me… She’s goes, “why, when guys jerk off”, “do they always bend over like that? It’s so creepy.” I was like, “yeah, but it’s not nearly as creepy” as not bending over and jerking off.” [laughter] this is, like, some Nazi shit, right here, like… [laughter] “what have we here? [laughs evilly]” [laughter]
[chuckles] So, ladies, um, size? Does size matter? [crowd cheers] yeah? [grunts] [cheers and applause] ladies, I always heard it’s not how big you are. I hear it’s what you do with it. So what I thought I would do tonight is give you ladies a brief synopsis of what I do with it. [cheers and applause] yeah. What’s your name, sugar? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy. What a beautiful, exotic name. [chuckles] [laughter] Amy, here’s a brief synopsis of what I do with it. Amy, first, I will get it erect. [laughter] then, Amy, I will stick it in your vagina. [laughter] The end. [laughter and applause] And that, ladies, is how I work mag on your vag. [laughter] [cheers and applause]
Guys are funny about sex, ’cause we act like we don’t care about giving girls orgasms, but we do care, and you can tell that guys care by our sex stories. Do you ever hear a guy’s sex stories? They’re all exaggerated, blown out of proportion. Even the words are exaggerated. I saw my buddy Mike today. He goes, “yeah, dude, I was with this girl last night, right?” So I whipped it out.” [laughter] “Yeah, Mike, did you whip it out? You whipped it out, huh?” No, “whip” is the right word when a penis is 7 1/2 feet long… [laughter] And it’s got a wooden handle at the base. And every time I take it out, I do say, “hyah!” [laughter] [applause] wshoo! Wshoo! [laughter] “Whip” makes me laugh. The other phrase the guys use that makes me laugh is, “yeah, then I blew my load.” [laughter] Did you blow your load, or did a quarter-ounce of goo come dribbling out of your dick? [laughter] Did it go “pow!” or did it go… * boo-boo? * [laughter] I think I know. I think it went * boo-boo * “yeah, I blew my load. “Then, there was, like, an explosion and, like, a rockslide.” [laughter] A lot of guys died down here in the valley. [laughter] They had to shut down the interstate. The sheriff said he’s never seen carnage quite like that before. [laughter] They’re gonna do a benefit concert. [laughter] John Mayer is scheduled to play. [laughter]
Listen to me, ladies. If you’re gonna fake an orgasm… You got to sell it. [laughter] Seriously, you got to sell it, ’cause I was with a girl recently who was clearly faking. Put absolutely no effort into it. [laughter] Yeah, she just went, “ah, orgasm.” [laughter and applause] “Really, don’t want to shake your leg or anything, no?” [laughter] “What am I paying you for?” [laughter and applause] [mouthing words] [laughs] What kind of girls do I like to sleep with? Great question, guys. Thanks for asking. Um… I don’t like them too young. I don’t like them too old. Too young… 18, 19, 20… Girls that age don’t really know their bodies that well, so they’re trying to act like they’re having fun, but you kind of tell by the noises they’re making, they’re not. They’re like, “yeah!” you’re like, “that’s not convincing.” [laughter] And then girls in their late 30s, early 40s, you know your bodies too well. So it’s basically like we’re just… Working for you. [laughter] Where you’re like, “all right, young man, “go ahead and hop on there real quick. “Why don’t you start me off with 15 or 16 good pumps? Let me see what I’m dealing with?” [laughter] “That’s fine. Look, I’m gonna take your right hand, put it on my left breast.” [laughter] “Young man, go ahead and kiss my neck. “And kiss it again. And pull my hair. I just came twice. Get the fuck out of my house.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter]
69-ing. [laughter] These ladies up front have been giving me a vibe all night, which is, “Neal…” [laughter] “Neal, are you gonna talk about it?” Yeah, I’m gonna talk about 69-ing. [laughter] Do people still 69, or is that shit like rollerblading, where it’s kind of not… [laughter] [laughs] I would do it more often. It’s just too hard. 69 takes so much focus, concentration. You’re, like, giving and receiving. You’re in two places at once. 69-ing is like this shit. Like… [laughter and applause] [laughs] I think about 69-ing a lot. [laughter] maybe too much. Here’s what I’ve come to. All right, the people who invented 69-ing… Were they in a hurry? [laughter] do you follow me? Like, “we’re late for the theater, but we both really need some head.” [laughter] “I think I have a plan. To the batcave!” [imitates chord] [laughter] or [sighs] was 69-ing invented… By an old white-trash couple… [laughter] [laughs] who no longer trusted each other? [laughter] [laughs] you follow me? Like, “every time I go down on you, you have an orgasm and pass out.” [laughter and applause] “so guess what, you son of a bitch? Tonight, we’re doing it at the same time.” [laughter and applause] “on my command, 3, 2, 1, munch.” [laughter] you guys, I got to go. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] man: * unh * [cheers and applause continue] * a’ight *
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