Louis C. K.: Sorry (2021) | Transcript

Louis C.K. being Louis C.K. without restraint.
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Louis C. K.: Sorry (2021)

Recorded at the Madison Square Garden on August 14, 2021

* * *

♪♪ [“Like a Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan playing] ♪♪

♪ Once upon a time you dressed so fine ♪
♪ Threw the bums a dime in your prime ♪
♪ Didn’t you? ♪

♪♪

♪ People call, say: Beware, doll ♪
♪ You’re bound to fall ♪
♪ You thought they were all ♪
♪ A-kidding you ♪

♪♪

♪ You used to laugh about ♪
♪ Everybody that was hanging out ♪
♪ Now you don’t talk so loud ♪
♪ Now you don’t seem so proud ♪
♪ About having to be scrounging ♪
♪ Your next meal ♪
♪ How does it feel ♪

[Cheering and applause]

♪ How does it feel ♪

♪♪

♪ To be without a home ♪

♪♪

♪ Like a complete unknown ♪

♪♪

♪ Like a rolling stone ♪

♪♪

[Cheering and applause]

[Chanting] Louis! Louis! Louis!

[Clears throat] [Laughter] Well…

[Cheering and applause]

M-my… my favorite sex position

[Laughter]

My favorite sexual position is, uh, reverse cowgirl… But I’m on top.

[Laughter]

Are you picturing that? It’s good. It’s really good. Nobody gets pregnant. It’s a lot of fun.

I’m trying to learn things about myself. Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m just interested in the data. [Laughter] And I did learn something, I learned this… Because I weigh myself every night before I go to bed; and then I also weigh myself on the morning when I get up and I… Here’s what I learned… I weigh two pounds less every morning than when I went to bed… And I found out why, it’s because I shit in my bed every night. [Laughter] I do… I take a full two-pound dump in bed, and then I turn out the lights and I go to sleep. Because I don’t want to sleep alone. Your needs change when you get older… At my age, a big… big pile of shit’s as good as anybody.

[Laughter]

I actually have a girlfriend, but we’re struggling, because she lives in France, uh, she’s French, she lives all the way over there, and we haven’t been able to see each other for a year because of the disease. I have AIDS. And, uh… [Laughter] She’s great, though, she sends me presents all the time. That’s how she keeps it going. She sends me gifts in the mail. I get something from her every week. Sometimes it’s chocolate from France or a shirt she wishes I would wear instead of things like this. And sometimes she sends something to make fun of me because she’s a little fucked up, so last time she sent me a pair of little girl’s panties. And, uh… yeah, I was like, “That’s not funny,” because these are in my house now. I can’t get rid of ’em! It’s like nuclear waste! Think of it, I can’t throw them out because I can’t have people find little girl’s panties in my garbage with coffee grounds and butter on ’em.

[Laughter]

And every solution I think of makes it worse, like, if I… If I put ’em in a bag inside another bag and… Layers of duct tape, wrapped in tinfoil. Or if I put him in a coffee can and I nail it shut and I bury it in the park in the middle of the night. Or if I cut ’em into tiny pieces… and throw away one piece each week in a different town. My friend tried to help me, he’s like, “Why don’t you just burn them?” I’m like, Do you understand? Even if there’s a one-in-a-million chance I get caught burning little girl’s panties… [Laughter] So I’m wearing them right now. So…

[Laughter and applause]

Yep… it’s the only solution I could come up with, I wear ’em every day… And I hand-wash them. And then I dry them like this… [Blowing] Just right on the little strawberries.

[Laughter]

Here’s the thing: men… our biggest fear in life is that we’re going to get caught being a kid f*cker, that’s every guy’s biggest fear. Even if you would never do it, every guy’s like, “That’s what’s going to happen to me, I know it.” It’s like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert, like, “I don’t go to the ocean, but it’s going to happen.” ‘Cause it’s a fear not based in its likelihood, but in how horrible it would be if it happened. Because when they catch a pedophile, holy fuck. Holy shit! It’s brutal… Because we’re scared, we’re so scared of pedophilia because it’s here and it’s not going anywhere. That’s a fact… it’s not like there’s a finite amount of pedophiles, and, “We got the last one!” No, they keep… It keeps happening; every generation, there’s more. Some of you have kids and some of them are going to grow up, and f*ck kids, they might, you know? Okay, no, I’m… of course… Of course not yours, for some reason, but… [Laughter] They’re coming from some place. So any real solution has to start with the basic reality that there will always be pedophiles. Not a great thought, I understand, it’s not an uplifting… You wouldn’t put that on a fridge magnet. [Laughter] Or on your screensaver at the office. “There will always be pedophiles.” “Hey, where’s Jim? He’s not at his desk.”

We do… we have to start with that reality, because our solutions that we have so far don’t really work. Here is our current solution to pedophilia: We wait till somebody fucks about 10,000 kids, and then we go, “All right, you, you better cut that out.” That’s pretty much it. There is no measures for preventing it. None! We have no policy to prevent it pe… No, we’re not even just… Like a street sign. There’s a street sign for everything! “No hunting,” “no spitting,” “no skateboarding.” I’ve never seen a “Don’t f*ck a child” sign in the w… I’ve been all over the world! Not even just like a picture of a guy f*cking a kid with a line through it, so that it… transcends language barriers. I mean, try it! You won’t get most of them with the sign. But even if one out of 50 of them is like, “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was an issue,” that’s money well spent!

There’s things that might work, and we don’t even try them. Like, is anybody working on very realistic child sex dolls? Okay, then let ’em f*ck your kids forever, is th… if that’s better! I’m so sorry… for suggesting something that might actually work. “Oh, no! Let ’em f*ck both my sons, but don’t make a doll. That would be distasteful.” The thing is that this… I’m still talking about it… This… this problem… We lose things because we won’t really face it, you know, that are important us, like the Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts… wonderful thing, being sued out of existence ’cause of all the kid fuckery that goes on. And I know it’s upsetting, because, look, here’s the thing: the Boy Scouts is a wonderful thing for kids. They go to the woods, they work together, they learn skills, they get in touch with nature. What could it be better for a boy than that? But some of those guys want to fuck the kids. I don’t think they do it a lot. It’s not like there’s just a shit-load of kids being fucked in the Boy Scouts; I think it’s mostly that they find out that the guy wants to… I don’t actually know, though. I don’t. Do you know why I don’t know? Because I’m afraid to look it up! I’ll go to prison for typing it into a Google! How do you solve a problem if you’re afraid to fucking look it up? “How many Boy Scouts get fucked on a…” [Imitating alarm blaring] “Oh, shit!”

[Laughter and applause]

Every time I move, I’ve got to tell my neighbors that I looked that up. Here’s what happens… Every few years you find out there’s some pedophile-type people in the Boy Scouts and then they announce, “We got… we got ’em all, we’re good.” And then a year later, “Whoa, there’s a bunch more!” [Harrumphs] “What’s going on here?!”

At some point, you’ve got to wake up to the basic fact that the… maybe the people who are best suited to give your kids these wonderful experiences are folks that want to f*ck them. Maybe that’s… Maybe that’s why they’re good at it. Maybe that’s… if you want that, that’s where you go. Maybe that’s just the way that goes. Who else would want to take a bunch of kids to the fucking woods?! Who wants to take your shit kid to the fucking woods?! You don’t want to take ’em! Who else would want to do that, except people that are barely containing that they want to f*ck every kid in the face? That’s why they’re good at it. That’s what makes them good at it.

I’m not saying that all Scoutmasters are pedophiles. I might be saying that the best ones are. I might be saying that. That sounds right. So I don’t know… you have to lose the whole thing? Just tell your kids, “Some of those guys want to f*ck you, just be careful, have a good time.”

Take the contribution from where it comes. Michael Jackson… Wonderful music, blessed us with wonderful music… Did some other things, too. What… look, what’s worse: a pedophile who makes beautiful music, or one that doesn’t? This is the choices. “No pedophiles” is not on the menu.

So how’ve you all been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple of years before all this shit?

[Laughter and applause]

Welcome to my life. Can’t work, can’t go outside, can’t show your face, gotta wash your groceries. [Laughter] ‘Cause I got cum on the groceries. That’s why I just… in my mind, that’s what it means. Maybe that’s not what you’re thinking, but…

I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, for COVID, I have it. This is it: We test everybody, first of all, and every time we find somebody who has COVID, you kill them. That’s it. That’s the solution. You won’t need another one after that one. That’s the final one.

It’s been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing, during COVID, because you’re not going to see this again, and, wow, did we learn some shit. That’s really… the things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself. I mean, think about your life as far as it’s been, where you had the choices, where you’re like, “I’m going to do this, I’m going to pursue this.” It all goes to shit, every bit of it. And even when it goes right, you’re like, “Why don’t I like it? It’s what I wanted. But why don’t I like it?!” Because it’s your choice and your choices are based on fear and fucking just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. But when life just kicks you in the balls and you’re like, “Oh, fuck, everything’s different now,” and you… It shows you shit you wouldn’t have looked at otherwise. That’s the great joy in it.

And what I thought was really interesting about COVID, and still is, is that it’s the first thing I’ve seen where everyone on Earth had the same problem. Every human being on Earth had the same problem, and we never had that before. That’s why we don’t give a shit about each other, because you read, like, “Oh, there’s floods in Houston,” you’re like, “It’s fucking water!” What is it? What’s your problem? Floods… What does that? Just walk like this. What’s… what, you can’t handle some water? My basement floods… What the fuck? Who gives a shit? Like, he’s on a canoe in the street… “That looks like fun. Why is that an issue?” There’s fires in California. What… [Blows] Blow it out. What, you can’t fucking blow out a fire? Get the water from Houston and dump it on California. Fuckin’ deal with it.

But we all had the same problem, every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, everybody was doing the same dumb shit. Every person had the same stupid fucking moment at the same… just trying to get the mask out of the well of your car door, trying to… “I got to go in Walgreen’s, where’s my fucking mask?” You try to… It’s got pistachio shells in it and pennies. Shake it… “I’m sure it’s still effective.”

I actually like the masks, ’cause it just… Everybody looked nice. Everybody did, ’cause it’s just their eyes. Eyes are nice. You never hear somebody say, “That guy’s got gross eyes.” It’s really… we should hide these, we should keep the masks, because this is disgusting, how do we just… With no shame, “Look inside my face! Ha-ha-ha!” Spit and tongue and teeth? It’s fucking gross! Cover your mouth! Don’t…

I’d rather look at your asshole than your mouth. I really would, I’d rather stare into your asshole than glance at your mouth. Assholes aren’t that bad, not to look at. We don’t like to think about assholes, ’cause, like, you know, the shit and the farts and the diarrhea. But that’s a small portion of their time. You ever really look at an ass… You ever really look? [Laughter] [Blowing] Mmm. Once you see it, like in nature, it’s just… it’s a little… [Squeaks] That’s all. That’s your asshole. It’s like… You know what it is? It’s just an aperture, that’s all it is. That’s your asshole. It’s like a camera shutter, that’s all it is. It’s like the opening to the James Bond movies, That’s what your asshole’s… [Imitating James Bond theme] [Laughter] [Imitates gunshot, flatulence]

You ever go to lick somebody’s asshole and there’s a little guy with a gun in there? [Laughter] It was bad.

But it really was an interesting social experiment, COVID, because everybody got told the same thing… The whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. And a lot of us said, “Oh, I’m going out.” [Laughter] “Yeah… I’m going now and a lot.” Yeah, and millions died. Just, we’re not that different from the turtles that you’re trying to get them not to cross the fucking highway and they’re like this, “Where I fuck, I fucked over there, fuck you.” And we’re like, “Please stop!” Putting little signs up… “Don’t go!” And he’s, “Fuck you. I’m a turtle…” [Imitates splatting] It doesn’t… We’re not that different. We’re just a fuckin’ species, and we’re just rolling along. Yeah, many dying old ladies died. That’s what happened. Many dying old ladies finished dying.

[Laughter]

Here’s the way you got to look at it, okay? We’re still making more. We’re making new old ladies. Every day. There’s a fresh batch coming, they’re going to be great.

I was having sex with a woman once, and she was so beautiful, I was having trouble not cumming, so I pictured her face at 80 years old, and then I came immediately. [Laughter] Because she was 92.

[Laughter]

Anyway… One thing I found very interesting was that during the pandemic, a lot of people really liked counting the dead people. That got very popular, was counting the amount of the dead and dying. “Do you know how many people… Just today! Just today! Do you know how many people died of COVID-19?!” “Just today!”

When… why… wh… Keeping a daily tally? We don’t do this… A lot of shit going on that we don’t keep a daily tally of how many… babies were dropped in a bucket of paint. And I looked that up! I’m not kidding you. It’s 30 a day, it’s a real problem. I’m serious! A steady 30 babies a day are dropped in buckets of paint. It’s not random, it’s one guy that won’t stop doing it.

[Laughter]

Yeah, we liked counting them, we liked counting the dead. And when it got really high, we didn’t know how to count them anymore, people trying to find different ways to express the number or take it in. Remember January? It was really b… It was 3,000 people every day were dying of COVID, so people started saying this… “This is 9-11 every day.” “This is literally 9-11 every day.” When did we start measuring deaths in “9-11s”? When did that become the new, “how many football fields long is it,” for mass death? “How many 9-11s was World War II? Can we look it up?” I know the Holocaust was 2,000 9-11s. 9-11 wasn’t that bad, it was just one.

[Laughter and applause]

Only one 9-11 of people died on 9-11. That’s like nobody died that day.

See, it’s all relative, because then you have those… Later… remember, January was really bad, January was the worst, and then in April, March/April, we all felt better, everybody’s like, “Oh, it’s way better now, it’s way better, “way better than January”… I looked it up, it was 1,500 people a day… and everybody’s like, “It’s way better than January.” Really?! It’s half a 9-11 every single day. But that’s way better. That would be like if on 9-11, after the first tower went down, you’re like, “Eh, that’s not that bad…” It’s just one. “Still got the other one, that’s why they made two.” It’s okay, it’s all right to… make fun of 9-11, it was a hoax. Uh…

[Laughter]

All right. Sorry. Anyway…

[Laughter and applause]

[Cheering and applause]

I thought I had COVID about three times, I’m one of those idiots, I was like, “I think I have it. Can you feel?”

I’m bad with pain too, like, the other day I hit my elbow right on that spot where if I had a gun, I’d be dead now, you know, that s… I can’t do pain. That’s why I could never be a cop. I couldn’t walk around with a gun right here. There’s 50 things a day where I’d be like, “Fuck that, that ain’t worth…” That’s my main problem, by the way, with the whole “defund the police” idea: What about people who want to commit suicide by cop? What about them? Anyway, we’ll put a pin in that, but…

We had a lot of protests in New York, and now we have protesters that just live here. They’re not at a protest, they’re just here. I saw a protester in Washington Square Park. She had green hair and dirty legs. And she’s holding a little piece of cardboard, and it’s… with a Sharpie… It said “Abolish billionaires.” She’s standing there. And I thought, “I don’t think that’s going to do it. I don’t…” It doesn’t feel like that’s going to result… “in Jeff Bezos going, ‘What’s happening to me?'” [Laughter] Sadly, it’s going to be okay for him.

I think that… I thought it was good how p… How young people got out there and they expressed themselves, they went out there to solve a lot of problems. Not all the problems, but some of them. They went out there to stop discrimination. Uh, not all discrimination. Just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination. But there are groups… There are groups that are discriminated against, the… who don’t have any protesters or any people working for them. And we all discriminate against these people, like ugly people. Everybody discriminates against ugly people. They do, and it’s awful… I mean, I’d rather be discriminated against for my race than for being ugly because you might not lose a job or a promotion, but nobody kisses you on the lips, like, your whole fucking life, like, try that. This is what we say to ugly people… “We don’t like your face. Just don’t like it. So no one’s going to fall in love with you, and it’s unanimous… sorry.” And we just expect ugly people to be like, “Oh, no, I understand. I mean, sure, my head shape is no good for you, so I’ll… I’ll with… I’ll go without the things that matter in life.”

[Laughter]

Also, overweight people… Overweight people deal with things that none of us deal with… Because I’m not overweight. There’s people… [Laughter] Who are discriminated against because of their weight. I read a story once about a woman who was 600 pounds and she couldn’t get medical care, because everything… She goes to the doctor, he just says it’s because she’s fat… everything. She’s like, “My knees hurt,” he’s like, “Yeah, my knees hurt just looking at you, what’d you think was going to happen?” She’s like, “I have chest pains,” he says, “Yeah, ’cause your organs are over capacity, so they are hurting.” She’s like, “I got shot in the head,” he’s like, “Yeah, because you’re fucking fat, somebody shot you in the fucking head ’cause you’re fat.”

It’s a terrible story. Here’s the worst part of the story, and this is true, this is true: she needed an MRI because she had something serious; she’s 600 pounds, she doesn’t fit in the machine. Do you know what they did? They sent her to the zoo. I’m not kidding, they sent her to the fuckin’ zoo! That’s what we do for fat people… who need an MRI! “Hey, here’s your prescription… go to the zoo.” Yeah, that’s where you should go. “You should go to the zoo.”

By the way, you know how many fat people we have in this country? About 600 trillion-billion- thousands of ’em! You know how many trans people there are? About 38. But if you’re trans and you need a restroom and it’s awkward, we’ll change every restroom! But if you’re fat and you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you fat b*tch. Just go to the zoo. You go experience that today.

What happens when she gets to the zoo? What actually fucking happens when she arrives at the zoo?! “Hi… Are you here to see the monkeys?” “No, I’m here for an MRI.” “Oh, shit. All right. Yeah.” Uh-Huh. Okay, just stand in the straw over here. “Yeah, you’re after the walrus who has lymphoma.”

[Laughter]

By the way, why is there an MRI machine at the fuckin’ zoo?! Who was it developing that instead of a fat-human-being MRI? Who’s paying for this shit? You don’t give an elephant a fucking magnetic resonance image test! Are you fuckin’ high? That’s obscene! If an elephant is sick, you just listen. You do this thing. “Me-sa thinks she gonna die today.”

I’m saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, because we’re supposed to respect how they live. They don’t fucking cure their diseases. This is not their culture, this is our weird… “Let’s fix it! Oh, he’s sick!” That’s not how elephants live! An elephant in the Serengeti isn’t like, “I have a lump, I have to see my oncologist.” When an elephant gets cancer, he falls over and takes his fuckin’ turn and becomes food. You don’t put an elephant in a state-of-the-art… [Imitates beeping] What if you find cancer? What, are you going to give them chemotherapy? Think a skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat.

[Laughter and applause]

[Labored breathing] “Each day is a gift.”

[Laughter]

I love animals, I do… I do. We have a weird relationship to animals… We name them and we play with them, and we kill them and we eat them, and we stuff them. And we draw them. I have a dog… I love my dog, but I don’t know my dog. We’ve never had a conversation, not one time. I talk and she just hears… [Gibberish] [Gibberish] She looks at me, I’m like, “Yes!” She’s like, “What, you don’t know what the fuck I’m think…” “Fuck you”…

I don’t know this bitch, I have no idea what she’s thinking. I really wish I did, I wish I knew what she was thinking, it’s my biggest wish, maybe, in life, is that I knew, ’cause I know she has thoughts. I know she does. There’s no way she’s just like, “Dog.” There’s stuff going on in here. I’ve seen it. You ever watch your dog make a decision? You ever d… watch your dog just walk in the room and then look around, like… “I’m going to go over here.” Why?! Please tell me why!

I think my dog thinks I’m insane because I look at my life through her… through her eyes, like, I’ll watch TV for four hours, and from my dog’s point of view, I’m just sitting there.

[Sustained laughter, scattered applause]

[Exaggerated laughing]

“What… the fuck is he laughing, what happened?”

My dog is my life now because my kids are grown up, my kids are in college and they’re all, you know… I’m an empty nester. That’s what you call it when your kids are gone… ’cause they grow up, not if they’re dead. It’s not used that way. “My daughter died of leukemia.” “Hey, you’re an empty nester!”

[Laughter]

I miss it, I miss having little kids. I think about it all the time, I think about it… Maybe adopting, you know, I could adopt a baby from a Third World country. That’s a good thing to do because you can just leave ’em outside, you don’t have to…

[Laughter]

You know, it’s interesting… We’ve been adopting babies from other countries in America for a long time. You know, other countries do it too, but I live here, so I’ll talk about that, but… It’s an interesting thing. It’s not a biological imperative to go get a baby from thousands of miles away, but we’ve been doing that in large numbers here for a long time, and not always for the same reasons. There’s been different reasons why we’ve done it. In the early, like, in the ’70s, when I grew up, sometimes you’d meet a couple who had an African baby that they brought because there are those kind of, you know, these kinds of people, you know, the kind of couples that hold hands when they announce things. You know those kind of people? They gather their friends and they’re like, “We’ve decided”… You know those…? They have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it. And their apple juice is cloudy. You know what I’m talking about? Those are the kind of people that make a trip to Zimbabwe and get a baby and name him Kevin and send him to Boston College, whatever.

That was like the ’70s and ’80s; then in the ’90s, it became very popular with gay couples, started to adopt babies from China because they want to have a baby, but they can’t… They both have dicks. I don’t know if you know that. Did you know that? Gay couples have two dicks, so they can’t make a baby. You can try. You can… This is really fuckin’… You could… [Laughs] You could try to cum into one dick with the other, like, if you line up to dick holes and you could cum, and the sperm goes up this dick and down that one. And then this sperm gets to the balls and he… and they’re like, “What the fuck? Where…?” “Did we turn around? ‘Cause we’re in the balls again.” Whose balls are these?! These aren’t even his balls! Oh, he’s gay. Fuck. All right. Okay, all right. “Well, just swim around until we’re dead.” It’s just the way it is, you’re not going to… A baby will never come out of a penis. Which is good. It’s a good thing. Because it’s hard for women. Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis, dickhole. Even just the hand. Yeah. Anyway, so that’s why gay couples adopt. That’s why.

[Cheering and applause]

And often from China, because they make a lot of stuff there. Uh…

[Laughter]

So that was that, that was… The gay couples were adopting Chinese babies because they couldn’t have babies, and then… and then a lot of other couples started doing it more around the turn of the century. I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place, and everybody there gets Chinese babies. It’s very popular. They go… because… And it’s not because they can’t have babies, and it’s not because they’re trying to help somebody from far away; it’s because they’re just busy; they’re busy… They want to have a baby, but they don’t want to have a baby. You know what I mean? That thing where you can’t have your baby and eat it too, or what… I don’t know how… They want to get pregnant is the point, so they go to China… They don’t even go to China, they go to the airport and somebody from China meets them, gives them a baby… it’s true. They just take it home and then they get a Jamaican nanny to watch their Chinese baby, and they go to cocktail parties. “We have this Chinese baby, it’s amazing.” And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just alone, looking at each other like, “What are we doing? What is…? What is this?” Why can’t either of us see our families? Why…? “What the fuck is the point of this?”

So, yeah, my dog, I got a dog, my kids are, eh, and I just sit around and watch, uh, watch YouTube a lot… That’s my favorite… pastime. Um… I was watching YouTube today; I was watching one of the ads that comes on before the video I wa… I don’t skip those. I think that’s rude. It is. It’s mean. Somebody worked hard on that ad. They trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee. And you’re at home like, “Three, two, one… fuck off.” [Laughter] Fucking mean… what if you made something, dick?

Anyway, the ad was a PSA. It was a, uh, anti-smoking message. It was a Puerto Rican man with a hole in his throat, he was like… [Imitating electrolarynx]

“My father smoked. And my mother smoked. I wish I never smoked in my life. Please don’t smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes are very, very bad for you.”

First thought I had was, why does he still have an accent?

[Laughter]

It’s coming out… Feels like if you bypass the mouth… You shouldn’t have an accident anymore. Does the machine have a setting for “Puerto Rican”? Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy? Does he fart with an accent? [Imitates flatulence] “Senor, I’m farting!”

Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie, and it’s a scene that I really hate… Every time I see it, it makes me angry, which is why I was looking for it on YouTube. And it’s a movie I like… I actually like the movie. It’s called Good Will Hunting, remember Good Will Hunting?

[Cheering and applause]

Of course, right? Matt Damon played… A great performance. He plays a very complicated young man w-wearing a tight T-shirt for a whole movie. And here’s the thing… Here’s my issue with Good Will Hunting… Matt Damon also wrote the movie. Okay? So he basically sat down, he’s like, “First of all, I am amazing.” [Laughter] “I’m a construction worker, I’m, like, working-class, and I drink beer and I get in fights, I get into so many fights. My friends are like, ‘You’re out of control, man, ‘ and I’m like, ‘Shut up this is the way I am.’ But then also, I’m a genius. Ooh! I’m not… I didn’t even go to school, I just know things, I don’t know why… I just know them. And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, “‘He’s so much smarter than us, it’s making it upset’.”

It’s insane! It’s fucking insane. It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy. So the scene I was looking for, it’s the worst example of that in the movie. Here’s what happens. He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her. And another guy likes her too. But she picks Matt Damon… because he wrote the fucking movie! Because he decided, you understand?! “She doesn’t like him, she likes me, you better believe it!” [Laughter] So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant, and he decides to taunt him, so he goes over… He tells his friends, “Hey, come here, watch this.” And he says to the guy, “Hey, do you like apples?” [Laughter] And the guy says, “Yes.” And Matt Damon goes, “Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?” And all Matt Damon’s friends go, “Oh-ho!” Ho-ho! This was amazing! Oh! Oh-ho, my God! Oh, my God! You were ready with that! “How?!” You know how he did it? He wrote the whole fucking movie, okay?! He made everybody say all the things. Otherwise, this doesn’t happen. I mean, he hinges the whole fucking prank on the guy likin’ apples; the guy must like apples. Who the fuck… Who would say “yes”… to, “Do you like apples?”… Coming from a clear antagonist… who’s setting him up… Gathered his friends. “Do you… Ha, wait, guys watch this… Do you like apples?” [Sighs] God damn it, I do. I wish I didn’t. ‘Cause I can tell this is not going to go my way. But I just… I can’t lie. They’ll know it. They’ll know it’s because, boy, do I like apples.

Do you understand if he says “no,” Matt Damon is fucked. He’s fucked in the face for life. He’s got nothin’! “Do you like apples?” “No.” “D…” [Stammers] [Laughter] “What…” Dude. Fuckin’ guy. No, come on, seriously. Seriously, you fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… [Labored breathing] Do… do… do… Do you like bananas? Do… ’cause I thought… ’cause the woman gave me her telephone number, and isn’t that bananas? [Laughter]

I saw a guy… I saw a guy peeling a banana the other day. It’s another banana joked, because… Did you hear the other one ended with “banana”? Banana… I got three banana jokes, by the way. This is number two. Okay. I saw a guy peeling a banana on Sixth Avenue, and it bothered me. I’ll tell you why, because it’s the way he… When I peel a banana, I hold around here, I peel down to my hand, right? This guy holds the banana at the bottom. And he just peels the whole thing all the way down. It felt like a guy at a urinal pulling his pants all the way to his ankles. I was like, “Dude, TMI with that banana right now. What are you making a smoothie on Sixth Avenue? What are you doing?” The banana was like, “Hey!” You don’t even know how much you’re going to eat. “I have a bruise right here.”

Kind of got lost in the banana shame there. You wanna hear the other banana one now?

[Cheering and applause]

All right. Okay, so… I was at the grocery store… and I needed bananas. So I go over to where the bananas are, and there’s a Black woman at the bananas. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, I swear.

[Applause]

I understand. White people are very scared of discussing bananas and Black people in the same conversation. I understand… if I have a Black friend over, I would never offer him a banana. I just, I don’t know why, I just wouldn’t do it. “Hey, you want a banana?” “Why the fuck you asking me?” “Hey, man, sorry, you have an apple? I’m really sorry.”

These are just the facts of the case. All right? I was in a store, looking for bananas and there’s a Black woman in the bananas, and I wanted to… I didn’t want to go there while she’s there because of COVID. We’re all giving each other space. So I… I… But I do want to be next. So I’m waiting. And she’s kind of takin’ a long time. And the longer she takes, the longer I’m a white man watching a Black woman choose bananas. And this is an awful thing about the world today, because I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but I feel fucking bad. I feel fucking bad. So I went to the strawberries. [Chuckles] And there’s a f*ckin’ Jew at the strawberries.

[Laughter and applause]

“Here’s a nice one!” [Laughs, clears throat] That’s the Jew. I’m not going to do the Black woman. No, not… you know why? Because I’m not afraid of Jews. That’s really… That’s the bottom line. I’m not scared of Jews. I don’t find Jews to be frightening… unless you’re in Palestine, then they’re terrifying. It’s very different. Over there, they’re like, “The Jews are killing us!” And here, we’re like, “Really? The Jews?”

[Laughter]

“We’ve been slapping them around for years.” Anyway.

“This banana’s too hard!”

[Laughter and applause]

“Well, this banana’s soft, but I’m not gon’ have it till Tuesday, so… I’m gonna buy the hard one and wait.”

Just trying to be fair. Just trying to be fair to the Jews.

“Lawd, have mercy.” Anyway…

[Cheering and applause]

Don’t worry, I’m an old man, I’ll be gone very soon. I worry about getting old only ’cause I don’t want to lose my memory, you know? I mean, some of it I would love to lose. [Laughter] But it doesn’t work that way. You got to take it all or none, I guess. But I lose… I forget things, you know, like, remember Fonzie from Happy Days? I don’t remember him. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

I forget weird things, you know? Like I was walking down the street once in New York and there was a guy in a van and he roll down the window and he said, “Hey, get in the van and suck my d*ck.” And I said, “All right,” you know, so… I got in the van and, you know, I was trying to pull the door, the sliding door, but it kept… and he’s like, “It just shuts, don’t… You don’t have to… I was like, “Sorry.” He’s like, “Everybody does that, it’s okay.” So I’m kneeling on the floor of the van on like a purse, and there’s no lady in there, but I’m like, “I came here to suck this guy’s d*ck, not, like, take inventory. I should just get to work,” so I started suckin’ his d*ck, and about halfway through… I’m guessing… I remembered… that, I don’t really like doing that.

[Laughter]

So, senior moment.

[Laughter]

Some people worry about getting old because they think it means that they’re dying, which it does. But this doesn’t worry me… I don’t worry about dying because I think it’s necessary. I think it’s something that you just have to do. You should do it. It’s… when it’s your turn, you should do it. If somebody you know, your doctor says you’re dying, just say, “Okay,” and die… Don’t, you know, “May be a miracle?” Fuck you, get in the ground, just take your turn. I really think that way now… I didn’t used to, but I do, because I…

You know when I started thinking that way was when my mom died. My mom died a couple of years ago of anorexia. She was 300 pounds. She was bad at it. [Laughter] I know it’s fucked up, right? [Laughter] Hmm. What a piece of shit. Anyway… She would have liked that joke. She would have! My mom, fuckin’, she was gross. And I remember when she was dying, I was… I was alone with her, and the nurse said, “This is… this is imminent.” I was like, “What does that mean?” She goes, “It’s… she’s going to die in a minute.” I’m like, “Just say, ‘in a minute’. It’s so close.” Anyway, I was alone with her and she died, and I was like, “Fuck, they’re going to think I did it, obviously.”

I didn’t want to lose my mom, I really didn’t, but I… but we had this one conversation, like, two weeks before she died, when we were… We were talking about it and I said, “Mom, I don’t want you to die.” And she said, “You’ll get over it.” That’s what she said! And I did. But in the moment, I wasn’t willing to accept it, I was like, “I don’t want you to go,” she said, “But we’re going in order.” Do you understand? This makes sense. I’m your mother,” I’m like, “Mom, stop talking like that. This is sad,” she goes, “No, it’s not. Look at it this way, would… Do you want me to never die?” I was like, “No, I don’t want that at all.”

And it helped me get in touch with an important idea, which is that dying is important, it’s every generation’s greatest contribution to history is that they die. It’s the only thing that keeps things moving; it’s the only reason there’s any progress in the human race is that folks keep fucking dying. Every generation has had a mix of douche bags and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever, but they’re all fucking dead. Every fuckin’ one. Thank God, they’re all fucking dead. There’s a limit to how much any of the good ones did, and the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. It’s a great system. Now, when you look at the Internet and all these people, you’re like, “What the fuck is happening?” They’… it’s okay. They’re all going! Every th… All of them are going to die. I mean, you don’t want to die.

[Cheers and applause]

You don’t want to die, you don’t want your loved ones to die, but that’s a selfish wish when you think about what would happen if nobody died… What kind of world would this be if there was no… Nobody d… If we still had people here from the 1100s? It’s hard enough having people here from the ’50s! “Sir, just scan the code on the table, there’s no menu.” “What?! I don’t understand!” Jesus Christ! You want to go through that with Pontius Pilate and Charlemagne?

[Laughter]

Fucking pain in the ass. Fucking old people that don’t want to fucking, just, when you get older and you start going, “Everything’s so crazy now”… No, it’s fine, just get the fuck out. It’s great. They’re not going to make it work for you, you’re here for 10 more minutes, just get the fuck out.

If you’re in an airport and you’re looking at the toilet and you’re like, “I don’t understand how this works,” it’s time for you to die, that’s what that means. These toilets are for the next people, get the fuck out.

That’s the way I look at my life now. I had some good, I had some bad, but I’m done. I mean, I’m… I’ll hang around ’cause I’m curious. But I’m so interested in the way things are going, I really am, it’s such an interesting time, such a… we’re on a hinge, it’s such a cool thing to experience that. I’m excited about a lot of what’s coming, there’s things that are hard now, but that’s the way it is. Things are going to get…

I think it’s exciting what’s happening; I think young people today have some great ideas. They’re being a little cunty about some of them, but the ideas are good. The ideas are good. Like, when I was growing up, we had two genders… Male and female. Now you have all these expansion teams. I think it’s very exciting. It is! And the best idea is this gender fluid thing. This is a great fucking idea. Gender fluid, the idea, the way I barely understand it, is that you… you just… Something in the middle. It’s like a fretless bass. You don’t have to be… The specific pictures… What a dumb way to do it. “These are the kinds of people you can be, which one are you?” “I don’t feel like any of those people.” “Then you’re a failure. You have to fi… Start acting like these people so we know what to call you.” Why?! Just make it a… It’s just a… pbbt, What, just… A la carte, “I like d*cks, I don’t like balls, I’m a… this and… moving through it, changing when it feels like it.”

I wish… what I’m saying is I wish we had that when I was a kid, because I think our generation got hurt by the rigidity of identities and how you had to just stick to them. You didn’t pick one right away. You’re eight years old, “What are you?” “I’m a… I’m a boy.” “What do you like?” “Uh, girls… Vaginas! Love vaginas!” I’m eight years old, I never saw one, but I’m committing my life to them right now. I don’t even get to smell one for a second! Just a sniff! [Sniffs] “All right, what else you got?”

[Laughter and applause]

Ten years old, “Are you gay?” “No, no, no, I hate d*cks, hate ’em.” What do I know? I didn’t even get to fidget with one for a minute!

[Laughter]

“This banana’s too hard!”

[Laughter and applause]

I’m not saying I wish I could have blown all my friends to see what it’s like. But on 4th of July, there were fireworks, I was with Matt, there was a feeling… I don’t know what could have happened. I have no idea… Because we were so scared. We were so… We were afraid to seem gay when I was a kid, ’cause in the ’70s, the stereotypes showed you what everybody is like. [Deep voice] Men are like this. [Falsetto] And then the women have to act like this, and then gay people are like… they’re just tired. That was gay people in the ’70s. “I’m gay. Help, I’m gay, I can’t even do anything.” That’s what gay men were in the ’70s.

You ever meet a gay person? You don’t fuck with gay people, not today. They’re all athletes, first of all. And they… they got their shit together. They’re fucking… their motherfuckers, gay people. Your landlord’s gay. They’re billionaires! They own Apple. They’re in the cabinet, they’re in the Navy. They’re… they’re… they’re cowboys and Indians and construction workers. Gay men are men. You ever go in a gay-owned business? He’s like, “Can I help you?” Like, the gay’s in there, but he’s fucking tough now. “This is my store, motherfucker, what do you want?” Gay men are men now. They’re… they’re fathers, they’re husbands, they’re men. Today’s heterosexual men are f*ggots. I don’t know how that happened!

[Cheering and applause]

And I… but they’re f*gs!

[Cheering and applause]

I’m saying that with love and as an old man on his way out the door, but they’re fucking f*gs! They’re intelligent and they’re evolved, but they’re f*gs, with the pajama shorts?! And the… just pale, almost blue. “Mm, my wife got a promotion today.” Oh, good for you, f*ggot. I’m so happy. I am! I’m happy for him! Sounds like a good… They have a good life together. But it takes some getting used to for me… When I see a progressive young couple, I always want to stop them and ask her, “Is that turning you on? Please tell me, is that sexy?” He… with the Tin Man’s hand pipe, just… Strawberry smoke. “Pbbt!” She’s like, Well, he’s very intelligent “and he’s conscientious”… But does he make your p*ssy wet? “Fuck, no, he’s a f*g. But I love him.”

And again, great, it’s another kind of dude, “f*ggy straight dude,” it’s another kind of guy. Welcome! We should have all of it, the whole spectrum, the whole alphabet, all of it. But somebody does have to be just a straight fucking. You have to have that. It doesn’t have to be the most important, but you do need it because it’s where it all fuckin’ comes from. Until they figure out some other shit, this is where life still starts. If… if you want to eat local and organic, you got to respect that someone’s got to have a hard d*ck f*cking a p*ssy. That’s… that’s where every trans, every gay person, came from… two boring straight people f*cking. I mean, that’s just… for now, it’s… someone needs… You could… With an original d*ck, not a turned-inside-out p*ssy wrapped in thigh flesh… Which is wonderful! Wonderful! You got to respect that! You do! Somebody who wants to be themselves so bad they rip their balls off… That takes balls to do that. It does! Fuckin’ respect! But someone’s got to have a factory d*ck with matching numbers, fucking a wet, farm-raised p*ssy.

[Laughter and applause]

Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

♪ Ah, you never turned around to see the frowns ♪
♪ On the jugglers and the clowns when they all did ♪
♪ Tricks for you ♪

♪♪

♪ You never understood that it ain’t no good ♪
♪ You shouldn’t let other people get your ♪
♪ Kicks for you ♪

♪♪

♪ You used to ride on a chrome horse with your diplomat ♪
♪ Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat ♪
♪ Ain’t it hard when you discovered that ♪
♪ He really wasn’t where it’s at ♪
♪ After he took from you everything ♪
♪ He could steal ♪
♪ How does it feel? ♪

♪♪

♪ How does it feel? ♪

♪♪

♪ To have on your own ♪
♪ With no direction home ♪
♪ Like a complete unknown ♪
♪ Like a rolling stone ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Ah, princess on a steeple and all the pretty people ♪
♪ They’re all drinking, thinking that they’ve ♪
♪ Got it made ♪
♪ Exchanging all… ♪

DEDICATED TO NORM MACDONALD

 

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Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018)

Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018) | Transcript

Comedian Drew Michael is taking the stage and is holding nothing back in his first HBO stand-up special, in which he navigates his fears, anxieties and insecurities in an unconventional stand-up setting.

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