Kevin Hart: Zero F**ks Given (2020) – Transcript

Kevin Hart serves up laughs and brick oven pizza from the comfort of his home, and dishes on male group chats, sex after 40 and life with COVID-19.

Streaming on Netflix from November 17, 2020


[Kenzo babbling]

[Kevin] Yo.

What’s up? I was looking all over the house for y’all.

[Eniko] We’re just chilling. About to go downstairs, get some work done. What up, champ?


Finish your homework?

[Eniko] No.

Look in my eyes.

[Kenzo babbling]

You’re lying. Finish your homework. Stop playing with me. [chuckles] Zo, give Daddy two. Ah, ah. Give me a boom. Boom! Give me a headbutt. [grunts] Give me a kiss.

Why’re you looking at me?

Love you.

Give me a kiss.


Love you.

Heaven, finish your work? Oh, yes, for the most part.

See you all when I come back up.

[Kenzo babbles]

[Eniko] Bye!

[Heaven] Bye.

[Kenzo] Bye, Dad.


[hip-hop music playing]

Ooh. Daddy about to have a good time. Big cube, coming in. Taste it. [slurps] Mmm. Ha-ya! Yeah. Hey. Wow! The GOAT. Legend. Inspiration. My man.

[cheering and applauding]

Aww. So nice. Oh, man! Well, thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you. Thank you! Much appreciated. Stop it. Sit down. I appreciate it. Thank you. -Hello. Hi.

[crowd whoops]

I can say hello. First time I’ve been this intimate with a crowd. So, I can say hello and I can actually get a hello back. So, I’mma say it again. Hello. How y’all doing? Good?

[crowd cheering]

That’s good. I like it. This feels right to me.

This feels right.

[woman] Yeah!

I’ve been in a lot of different spaces to tell some jokes. Been in f*cking stadiums, arenas, theaters. This right now feels right, in the comfort of my own f*cking home. Thank you.

[crowd applauding]

Thank you. Getting back to the basics. I wanna explain to you guys why I’m actually in my house. We’re here for a reason. I’m no longer comfortable anywhere else but my house. I’m being very f*cking honest with you guys. I am not comfortable anywhere except my house. And it’s for a lot of reasons. I feel like we should get into those. Let’s address the elephant in the room. Reason number one, COVID.

[crowd exclaims]

COVID. Where you at right now? Where’s your panic level? High? In the middle? Low? Where you at? Be honest, let me know. Middle? High? Low? Kind of high? A little bit?

[crowd mumbling]

News flash. I had it! That’s right, I had the ‘VID. The ‘VID-19 was in my system. I had it in the beginning when it wasn’t cool, when it wasn’t a trend. It was me and Tom Hanks. We was the only two. [chuckles] I had to keep it a secret because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am. He will swallow my f*cking announcement. He’s Forrest Gump. You’re not gonna beat Forrest Gump. No shot. No f*cking shot I’mma beat Forrest Gump. If it was somebody lesser than, I would’ve dropped that b!tch in a heartbeat. David Hasselhoff. F*ck David Hasselhoff. Ain’t nobody give a shit about David Hasselhoff. Boom! Dropped it. “Kevin Hart’s got it, too. Save Kevin Hart. #TheVID.” You know why I call it the ‘VID? It’s the closest thing to AIDS. It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS. The ‘VID. “You got the ‘VID? F*ck, man!” “I got the ‘VID.” “You got the ‘VID? Shit!” “Praying for you. You got the f*cking ‘VID.” I didn’t know I had it. I didn’t know I had it, man. I had no symptoms at all. No fever, no headache, no body aches, nothing. Now, my wife lost her sense of taste and her sense of smell. She told me, “Babe, I think I got it. We should get tested.” I said, “Well, we don’t have a problem.” “You got the f*cking problem. Why do I have to get tested?” “I can taste and smell fine. Why the f*ck do I gotta get tested?”

Doctor came over to the house. Doctor came over, tested both of us. Said, “You guys are both positive.” I said, “Bullshit.” “Bullshit! No way I’m f*cking positive.” I immediately touched my nose twice. Ah, ah. “Could I do that?” “If I had the ‘VID, could I f*cking do this two times in a row?” Can’t touch your nose with the ‘VID. Everybody knows that. Said, “Mr. Hart, I’m very serious. You’re positive.” This caused an uproar in my household, immediately. Me and my wife go at each other’s throats, “Who the f*ck brought the ‘VID up in this house?” “Who was it?” Got to see how we felt about each other’s friends. “It was that nasty b!tch Pam you always hanging with. That’s who did it.” “Dirty-foot b!tch.” “Her feet dirty. She tracked the ‘VID all through the goddamn house.” “Dirty-foot Pam did it.” [chuckles] “Got the f*cking ‘VID all in this goddamn house.” “Wash the carpets immediately.” Doctor calmed me down, “Calm down, Kevin.” “It’ll pass. Take ten to fourteen days. Relax.” “Chill out. Drink some tea.” That’s what the doctor told me to my f*cking face. “Drink some tea.” Are you kidding me? “I got the f*cking ‘VID, Doc!” “The hell is tea gonna do for me?” “Where’s my ventilator?” That’s what I said. “Where is it?” “I’m supposed to get a ventilator. Everybody knows that.” “You get a ventilator with the ‘VID. That’s what they say in the blogs.” “You’ll be fine, Mr. Hart, you’ll be fine.” When the doctor told me that, my level of panic lowered. Keep in mind, I was at the highest level in the beginning. Oh, my God. When it first hit, oh, my f*cking God, I didn’t know what to do. I went and put gas in all the f*cking cars.

[crowd laughs]

[chuckles] You gotta be able to escape. These motherf*ckers turning into zombies here. I was scared. Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I could find. Still don’t know why we went on this toilet paper kick. What was so special about toilet paper? Nobody told me. Did the ‘VID make you shit? What was it? What… [chuckles] We bought all the f*cking toilet paper. Dry noodles, I got it all!

The mask, I went crazy with the mask. In the beginning, I didn’t know what mask to buy. Had a regular mask. My friend told me, “Hey, man, that ain’t the right mask, the ‘VID gonna get through that mask.” “That mask ain’t gonna protect you against the ‘VID.” “F*ck! Are you serious?” “I’m serious. You gotta get the N95s.” “Oh, shit.” Went on a website, I bought every N95 I saw. I spent 20 grand on N95s.

[crowd laughing]

Went outside the day after, I saw a n i g g a with a titty cup on his face. Wasn’t even a… With a bra strap. What the f*ck? That’s not a N95. That’s a A-cup bra. What the hell just happened? He didn’t spend 20 grand on that. No way. Somebody duped me, man. My wife told me flat-out, “Babe, you know what?” “This thing is messing with your head. You gotta get out this house.” “You gotta get out the house.” I said, “There is nothing outside this house for me.” “Nothing. There’s no reason for me to go outside this house.” “No shot.” “The things that are outside this house, I have no interest in.” “There’s people out there. I don’t like people.” I said it. Cat’s out the bag.

I don’t f*cking like people anymore. You won. You beat me up. You f*cking won, man. You know how? Because you guys have managed to f*ck up the best job in the world, man. At one point in time, fame was the most sought-after and best job on the f*cking planet. If you didn’t have it, you wanted a piece of it. You wanted to taste a little bit of it. I got it. I got to the highest level of it, and then you f*cked me, oh, you f*cked me good. Oh, this generation f*cked me good. Everything’s gotta be compromised. Everything’s gotta be videoed in this generation. If it’s not on video, it never happened. That’s how this generation lives. Let me tell you guys the scariest thing that you could do to a Black man in 1986 if you were the cops or the feds. Scariest thing that you could do is tell a Black man that you had him on tape. If the feds came up to you, “We got your ass on tape. You going to jail.” He’ll shit himself, “What? Who? Me?” “On tape?” Oh! He’d start crying. [mimics crying] [crowd laughs] “I’m on f*cking tape.” [mimics crying] “All y’all going to f*cking jail. We got all y’all on tape.” He’ll tell all his friends, “Come out, Calvin, Marcus, Terrence.” “They got us. Anthony, you, too.” “Said they got us all on tape. We’re going to jail, apparently.” “We’re going to f*cking jail.” [mimics crying] “We on tape.” That’s all the feds had to say, “Got your ass on tape.” Scariest thing you could do. You guys don’t even realize that you’re the feds… for free. You’re not even getting paid. For f*cking free. You’re just telling on people all goddamn day. Just a bunch of walking f*cking snitches. It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting.

I went to McDonald’s… This is a true story. I go to McDonald’s. I’m at the drive-through, right? I want a Big Mac Meal. I haven’t had one in so long. I’m so excited for this f*cking Big Mac. Oh, my God, I can’t wait to get this Big Mac. I get the Big Mac. I’m so excited. I pull over in the parking lot. I start f*cking the Big Mac up. Smashing it. It’s all over my face, everything. I’m happy as hell. I turn to my left, it’s a woman outside the window taping me. She said, “Got your ass.” I got nervous. “What the f*ck is you doing, lady?” She said, “Mmm-mmm. But I got your ass.” [scoffs] “What the f*ck you mean, got my ass? What am I doing?” I’m so nervous, I dropped the burger. I just dropped the f*cking burger. I grabbed my phone, I went to Twitter, I issued an apology via social media. I said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier, I announced that I was going plant-based full-time. I’d just said it. This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment. [chuckles] Had to issue an apology to the plant-based community. Became an ally. Made a donation, was a part of protest. I had to do what I could. Stood by the side of cows, took pictures. It was a lot. I don’t like what you guys have made me become. I don’t like it. I’m no longer comfortable. You switched it on me. F*ck! You switched it on me, man. For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as the weird people. “Them motherf*ckers get weird sometimes, man.” “People get weird.” That’s how we looked at people. You switched it. We’re the weird people now. You look at us like, “What the f*ck is wrong with him?” We’re the weird people. I don’t know how to act in public. “Hey, why are you staring?” “What’s going on, man?” I think everybody knows. “Get your hands out your pocket.” “What’s happening, man? Come on.” “F*ck you about to do to me? You about to eat me? Come on, man.” “The f*ck you talking about? Nobody worried about your ass.” “Bullshit. Look at that guy looking at me in his glasses.” “I know somebody thinks I’m dinner when I see it. They trying to eat me here.” Making crazy accusations all over the f*cking place. Losing my mind. Going crazy.

You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer. It’s a true story. True story. There was a time, if you wanted to come to my house to talk to me, you had to get naked. Get in the f*cking pool. How else would I know that you’re not wearing a wire? “Who you with?” “E!? People? Who the f*ck is you with?” “Came here for a story for the tabloids. I don’t trust you, Dad.” [chuckles] “I’m your father.” “Shut up, b!tch!” “Who you been talking to, Dad?” “Get in the pool.” “Finish this conversation in six feet.” “Switch that. Four. Go to four feet. I can’t see. Go to four.” This is where I am. This is where I am. My wife says the same things, “Honey, you’re getting old.” “Getting angry, irritable. Need to get out and get back to yourself.” “Get back to your ways of old. You can’t live like this.” I decided to start doing stand-up again. I said, “Baby, you’re right. I need to go and start doing stand-up comedy again.” That’s how I get back to myself. That’s how I get back to me. [crowd applauding] I told my friends I was gonna start doing comedy again. They said, “Gonna talk about your wife and kids again?” I said, “What else do I have?” I don’t have nothing else. All my b!tches left after the sex tape. Every b!tch I had, left. Every one of them. “Where you going, Lorraine? Gladys? Pearl?” [chuckles] “Where you going?” These are older names ’cause I had older b!tches at the time. “Get back here, Ethel. Come on, man.” “Don’t do this to me.” “Magnus, come on, please.” [chuckles] “Please don’t do this.” “Loretta, you can’t leave. Come on.”

What else do I have? I have to. Talking about my kids is a must, man. It’s a must. They’re part of my everyday life. I don’t know what else to talk about, outside of the things that I go through on the daily. My kids are with me on a daily. Two teenagers, one three-year-old, a baby that could be here any day now. -Any day, any f*cking day now.

[crowd applauding]

About to throw these balls in the trash. I ain’t having no more f*cking babies. I’mma roof these balls after this f*cking baby come. I’mma take both balls, throw them on the f*cking roof. You can kiss my ass thinking another child is coming out of these balls, I promise. You’re a f*cking liar if you say it’s my baby. Balls in the trash after this baby. My daughter and I are closer than we’ve ever been. My daughter’s boy crazy. Boy crazy. Once again, I gotta act like I like it. I don’t. You gotta act like you do. I love this. I love that, in my specials, you get to see the growth of my f*cking kids. You see their development. They’re getting older, man. Daughter told me she likes this boy named Matt at her school. “Dad, I like this boy named Matt. Oh, my God. He’s so cute.” “He makes me laugh. I want him.” “What the f*ck does that mean?” “What does that mean?” “I want him.” “What the f*ck are you saying, little girl?” “Should I tell him?” “If that’s how you feel, tell him.” She goes to school, tells him how she feels, comes home, “Dad, oh, my God. Guess what? Matt likes me back. We’re a thing.” “Good for you, honey. That makes me happy.” “Do me a favor, keep it in the kid space, though.” “Okay, Dad.” She comes back home two days later. “Dad, I don’t like Matt no more. I like this boy named Rob now.” “He look better, he make me laugh more. That’s who I really want.” “It happens. Sometimes you think you like somebody, you meet somebody else, you realize that’s the person you liked all along.” “It’s called life.” “Make it happen. Move on. Be honest with the other person.” “All right, Dad, I love you.” “Keep it in the kid space.” A week goes by. “Dad, I don’t like Rob no more.” “I like this boy named Tim.” Instantly, in my mind, I said, “My daughter a ho. This is ho shit.” “This is ho shit.” -Ho activity right in front of my face.

[crowd laughs]

I immediately called a ho that I knew from the past. Asked her if this is how it went down for her. Three boys back-to-back. She said, “Yup, the same way.” “Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom.” What is happening? Don’t want my baby plucking balls. I gotta save her. What I gotta do is see these boys. Went to the school. I wanted to see ’em, what they look like. I saw ’em. Saw Matt first. Gotta be honest. Charming little kid, personality was out of this world. I see why she likes Matt. I see it. I get it. Charming little boy. I get it. Personality, funny guy. I see why you like Matt. I get it. Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in. I didn’t look at Matt again. I forgot all about Matt. Who the f*ck is Matt? Rob had a different thing. Personality popped. Had a bunch of pizzazz, flair. Used his hands a lot when he talked. This kid’s got something. I see why she don’t like f*cking Matt. Then Tim walked in. Tim had on leather pants… with some Heelys. You know how confident you gotta be to wear leather pants in high school? A Black kid with leather pants. There’s no Black kid that I’ve ever heard about that wore leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz. That’s the only Black man. And it’s a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age. Tim had Heelys on, just slid through the f*cking room. Jesus Christ, man. Cigarettes under his arms. I said, “Do you smoke?” He said, “It’s just a look,” as he was gliding by me. [chuckles] -F*ck.

[crowd laughing]

Kids today are different. My son and my daughter are on two different pages. Shit makes me laugh. Always have been. Always have been two completely different pages. My son is… He’s what you call… What do they call it today? What are the kids called today, when the kids are… Dumb. There it is. I got it. Dumb. Struggling academically. I know you guys are like, “Don’t call your kid dumb.” Why not? He’s mine. Chip off the old f*cking block. Not like I’m standing up here as a smart-ass man. I was dumb as shit, too. Worked out for me so far. Dumb is the right way to go in my household. [crowd applauding] It’s the right way to go. Then it pisses me off as the school constantly calls me to remind me of my son’s educational problems. “Mr. Hart, he failed another test.” “Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping.” “Want to discuss your son’s grades?” “They continue to drop.” I snapped on ’em, “Don’t call me no more.” “Don’t call me about his grades no more. Call him.” “Call him. That’s his problem. It’s not my problem.” “Last I checked, I went to school. I passed. I’m successful.” “I’m not going to school again. He needs to f*cking pass that class, not me.” “Call him.” Private schools, man, they got this weird thing. I’m not that much of a fan of private schools, I’ll be honest. I am not a fan of private schools at all. Yes, my kids attend private schools. Doesn’t mean I’m a fan of it. I feel like private schools protect kids from reality. They protect you. They protect you from f*cking reality. Private school… Private schools breed b!tches. That’s how I feel. I said it. I said it. I’m not taking it back. That’s how I feel. Private schools breed b!tches. I’m in my comfort zone, I’mma let it fly today. Everything that I f*cking feel, I’mma say. You ever see a grown man get punched in the face that went to private school? He immediately looks for a teacher. [mimics exclaiming] He just… He gives you five of these… “Huh.” “I don’t know. Why?” Looking for somebody to tell him why. “I don’t know. Why? What?” “We gotta have an arbitration. When’s the meeting?” Public schools, now that’s different. Public schools, you got no choice but to grow the f*ck up. You got no choice but to grow up in public schools. It’s a pot of f*ckshit. They just throw you in it. They just throw you in it. Nobody prepares you for the shit you gonna see.

I saw my first white person in public school. I didn’t know what the f*ck it was. It was the only one there. “What the f*ck is that? Jesus Christ!” I thought it was somebody from Star Wars, “That’s a stormtrooper.” “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper right there.” Just a white person walking down the hall. I was making the noises… [mimics blaster] “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper. No?” “No, that’s a white person.” “I never knew. Nobody told me what it was.” Public school throws you into a pot of f*ckshit. Everything is there. White people, Black people, Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican. Fat, skinny, gay, straight. Dirty, clean. It’s all there. They just push you in. You gotta figure it out. Kids are scared. [mimics exclaiming] They run straight to the teacher, “I’m scared. Help.” The teacher answer, “Me, too, b!tch. “Walked through the same metal detectors. Don’t think I’m scared?” “Keep your back against the locker, head on a swivel.” “What?” “Get you some Mace, put it in a plastic bottle like this.” “Gush it at him. That’s what I’d do.” “Gush it?” I don’t feel like my kids’ private school respects my level of celebrity. I don’t. I really don’t. I mean this. I swear to God, my plan… I’m gonna be very honest. It’s my f*cking household. I’m not holding back. They don’t respect my level of celebrity. I’m a very humble guy. [chuckles] May not seem like it after that sentence, but I am. I’m a very humble guy. What’s understood doesn’t need to be said. You know who I am. I know you know it. Don’t make me say who I am. They put me in the position to have to say who I am. I go drop my kids off at school, teachers come out, surround my car. “Mr. Hart, we’d love to talk to you for a second.” “The big fair is coming up.” “We do this fair once a year at the school.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter at this year’s fair.”

[crowd laughs]

I gave her a lot of time for her to say, “I’m bullshitting.” She never said it. I said, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” “No, it’s our biggest fair.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter.” “We think you would make an amazing greeter at this year’s fair.” Before I go on with this joke, I wanna make something clear. First things first, I have nothing against greeters. Okay? I don’t wanna tell this joke and walk outside my house and you’re all there with signs talking about “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect greeters.” “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect the greeters.” Greeters are amazing people. The job is actually required. I get it. I’ve actually been hit with some amazing greetings in my time. I went to Walmart, I got hit with a greeting so fantastic one time… I don’t even know where he came from. He just slid in my POV. [chuckles] I walked in. He was like, “Welcome to Walmart.” “You here to get you some stuff?” I said, “What the f*ck?” “Where did you come from, man?” [chuckles] “You better get some stuff. We rolling back prices.” Then he moonwalked. He just moonwalked out the way. I said, “What the f*ck just happened?” “What just happened here?” I was so blown away by the greeting, not only did I go get me some stuff, I broke my neck looking for this guy on the way out. I wanted him to see my stuff. “Hey, come here, man!” “Hey, come here. I wanna show you my stuff.” He came over, I opened my bag. He was like… “Ooh!” He said, “Ooh! You got you some good stuff.” Took out his highlighter, swiped my receipt so people knew I didn’t steal. He said, “Make sure you come back and see me again.” I said, “You gonna be here?” He said, “If I’m not, who will?” Moonwalks out the way again. -I said, “What the f*ck?”

[crowd laughs and applauds]

“It’s one of the best greetings I’ve ever seen, man.” “Of course I’mma come back and see you again.” I’m not shitting on greeters. I’m just saying I didn’t have to go that route. I went around that to get to my success. You don’t come to me and ask me to be the f*cking greeter. I had a number-one movie in the box office at the time. -I was on the side of f*cking buses. -[crowd applauding] You don’t ask me to be the greeter.

[crowd laughing]

There are parents that got kids that go there that are former actors and actresses that you could have asked. Carlton from the Fresh Prince, Alfonso? That’s your greeter. This right here. That’s what you want in front. That’s your greeter. Terry Crews. He got kids that go there. That’s your greeter. Pec-popping at the front. [mimicking Terry Crews] “Hey…” “Hey… Welcome to the fair. Who want a ticket?” What a combination. Parents would’ve went crazy. “Whoa! “What a school.” “I want tickets. I’m gonna buy every ticket I can.” [mimics Crews] Hey… Parents would be blown away. These greeters are amazing. My wife said what she normally says. “Kevin, calm down.” “Get yourself together. You getting older, more irritable, and you don’t want that energy to rub off on your kids.” It’s not gonna rub off on my goddamn kids. I know it’s not gonna rub off on my kids.

This pandemic gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids. A lot of time with my kids. For the first time, I realized my kids are a little spoiled. They’re a little spoiled. But it’s not by choice, it’s by circumstances. I have good kids. My kids are great kids. I gotta be honest. I got very lucky. I got great kids. But because of their circumstances, they’re a little spoiled. For example, they’ve been flying private since birth, they didn’t ask for that. They were born into that. They only travel with me. First time they traveled without me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife. Went back to Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma. My kids called me from the airport. You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad. I’ve never seen… a higher level of panic in my f*cking life. Called me from the airport, “Dad!” [whimpering] “What’s happening?” My daughter was like, “They’re taking my lotions and toothpaste.” “What am I supposed to do?” “They’re making me walk through metal…” My son snatched the phone, “What the f*ck is going on, Dad?” “They won’t let me take my bags.” “They said I can’t take my backpacks, my pulleys, my duffys.” “I gotta put my games underneath. How am I gonna play ’em, Dad?” I told them both, “Relax. Stop it. Stop!” “Both of you.” “It’s called security.” “It’s called TSA, okay?” “This is called life with your mother.” “All right? There’s a difference.” “There’s a drop-off. It’s all right.” “Things change.” “It’s okay.” “You’ll both be fine.”

I overlooked some of the things I do because I never thought twice about ’em. Me and my kids go to the amusement park, we do the whole park. The whole f*cking park, man, in 30, 40 minutes. How? Well, I call ahead. There’s a concierge they assign to me. I get to the park, concierge walks me and my family up to the front of every single ride. Done it for years. Keep in mind, I explain to my kids, “Listen, this is earned. It’s not given.” “This doesn’t just happen.” “Your father worked hard to be able to walk to the front of these f*cking lines.” “There’s rules. You don’t just walk to the front of the line.” “Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line, you do not make eye contact with none of these f*cking people in this line.” “You hear me?” “You keep your eyes straight ahead and you don’t f*cking look left or right until we get to the front of the line.” “These people are gonna say things. They’re gonna say a lot of mean things about me, you.” “You just ignore ’em.” “Ignore ’em, because guess what? We’re in our car, headed home.” “We’re never gonna see these people again.” “You know where these people gonna be? Still in that f*cking line.” “They’re still gonna be in the line.” “And that’s reality.”

My kids processed that, they understood it. For years, this is how we operated. They called me from the amusement park. They were with their cousins, they FaceTimed me. I answer their FaceTime. I could tell that they were weak. Malnourished, they hadn’t eaten in hours, I could tell. They had the white shit in the corner of their mouths. [chuckles] They could barely stand. [mimics yelling] “Dad!” “We’ve been in line for hours, we haven’t rode anything.” “We got the fast pass, but it’s not fast at all.” “Can you call somebody? Can you do something?” I said, “Who are you with?” “Our cousins.” “Is your mother there?” “Yes.” “Put your mom on the phone, let me talk to your mom.” Got their mom on the phone. She said, “Hey, what’s up?” “Hey.” “Checkmate, b!tch.” I hung up the phone. [crowd laughing] I was quick. I haven’t went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet, I wanna let you guys know. These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to ’em. Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something. Something’s gotta happen. It’s just a good f*cking joke. Those are two good jokes, I can’t get rid of ’em. [all applauding] I thought about those jokes for a long time. I gotta let ’em fly. It’s worth the consequence. I’ll send her a couple of text messages after this tape and see how she feels. [Kevin chuckling] My wife says the same thing all the time, “Kevin, you getting older.” “Getting angry, irritable.” I’m here to tell you I am getting older. Forty-one now, guys. -[crowd cheering and applauding] -I know, right? Where does time go? I was just 22 years old, man. You do not realize how fast time flies. Look back, all those comedy specials on the wall, that’s a timeline of my f*cking life. That’s damn near 16 years of comedy, man. Sixteen f*cking years of comedy, like, it’s insane.

[crowd applauding]

Forty-one. What happened? Shit changes at the age of 40. You hear about it, but you don’t believe it, things change. I’m here to tell you, shit does change. Biggest change for me, after the age of 40, the balls dropped. I got some length. Got some f*cking length on my balls. I didn’t ask for it. Just happened. I didn’t even know. I was in the kitchen. Bent over, wife said, “Why you got dice in your back pocket?” “I ain’t got no f*cking dice in my back pocket.” Touched my back pocket, “Goddamn, those are my f*cking balls.” “How did my balls get in my back pocket? What just happened to me?” “How long was I asleep?” “Who stretched me out while I was asleep?” The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age, man. I am okay. I’m very serious, man. I am okay. I don’t need to do much. I love being in the f*cking house. I actually built the house. Me and my wife built the house, that’s where we wanted to stay. We wanted to stay in this f*cking house. Let’s build our dream house to stay in it, not to leave it. Women got a problem with doing this thing called sitting the f*ck down. It’s very difficult for women to sit the f*ck down. Sit the f*ck down. That’s a task for women. A woman’s favorite line, “Let’s go do some stuff.” “What stuff?” “Mmm-mmm. Something.” “The f*ck are you saying?” “Something.” [Kevin chuckles] A bunch of men… There’s a bunch of men rejoicing. “Yeah!” “Something, I don’t know. Something.”

You know what my wife’s biggest problem is? Chasing her past. Trying to redo what she did when she was younger. Ladies, I’m here to give you a personal message. It’s okay to get old. There’s nothing wrong with getting old. [crowd applauding] There’s nothing wrong with it. Stop fighting old age. The beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize all the dope shit that you overcame and that you did when you were younger. That’s dope. Stop trying to run from that. Stop trying to redo that. It’s over. It’s f*cking over. She told me the other day, “We should go out tonight.” “We should get f*cked up.” [chuckles] I said, “Absolutely not. No.” “Why would I do that? No.” “It hurts. It f*cking hurts now.” Take a shot, it gets stuck in my chest for three to five f*cking minutes. My left side shut down, I get the shaking and shit. I gotta fart or shit. I don’t know, it’s one of ’em, something’s happening. Making dumbass faces. I describe this to my wife in great detail. You know what her answer was? “You don’t never wanna have fun with me.” I said, “B!tch, I just described a stroke to you.” “That’s a stroke.” “That’s a legal stroke. I’m shutting down.” “You don’t wanna have fun with me. You don’t ever want to do stuff.” After the age 40, you know what, you lose a high level of care. I don’t really give a f*ck. My wife wanna go out, I don’t. “You go. I don’t give a f*ck.” “I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck what you do.” That’s not in a malicious or angry way. I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck. Go! Have a good time. Go!” Ladies, you don’t know how to not give a f*ck, that’s your problem. If you guys could match a man’s not-give-a-f*ck energy, oh, my God, the world would be a better place. It’d be a better place. But you don’t know how to not give a f*ck. You’re always searching for a f*ck ’cause you just… You can’t. You don’t process it. You can’t figure it out. I’mma tell you your problem, ladies, and I want you to listen closely. Here’s what makes a woman really mad. You guys get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. I’mma say it again. Ladies, you get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. Hence why you’re always searching for a give-a-f*ck. ‘Cause on the other side, you’re like, “I would give a f*ck.”

[woman] Yeah.

“So you should give a f*ck.”

[woman] Yeah.

That’s why you search for give-a-f*cks. My wife constantly search for ’em. She wants to go out. “Go out.” She can’t just leave. “All right, babe, I’m going out.” “Cool.” “Me and the girls.” “Got it.” “We probably getting f*cked up tonight.” “Do you.” “I don’t know what time we coming back.” “I’ll be asleep either way, it’s fine.” She’s searching for give-a-f*cks. There are no give-a-f*cks! “Go!” I’m excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly button. I don’t give a f*ck. “Go!” They can’t do it. Hence you want the same from men. You don’t understand, first and foremost, stop expecting us to be as bright and brilliant as you. If a man goes out and he’s over 40 years old, I’m here to tell you, there is no plan attached to that. There is no f*cking agenda. There’s no schedule. Stop asking questions because we don’t have the answers. Granted, I know some insecurities are brought on because of men and the things that they did in the past… I’m guilty of it… but after the age of 40, it goes away. It goes away. We don’t give a f*ck about shit. We don’t care. Stop looking for shit. I told her… The one time I said I was going out. “Babe, I’m going out.” “Where you going?” “I don’t even know yet.” “Who going with you?” “Whoever come I guess, I don’t know.” “What y’all gonna do?” “I’m trying to figure it out now. I don’t know what we’re doing.” “Y’all gonna eat?” “I hope so, I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten.” “What time you back?” “Whatever time we done.” “What the f*ck is going on here?” “Am I getting graded? What is this? I don’t have the answers!” “I’m failing miserably. Stop asking me questions.” I can’t f*ckin’ deal with it.

There’s a high level of insecurity sometimes that’s not worth you having, ladies. We got into an argument one time. Got into a f*cking argument. Two reasons. First, she asked me this big question. I had to explain that I didn’t know. Another secret, ladies. After men say, “We going out,” we actually meet in the parking lot and try to figure out what the f*ck we doing. We actually have another meeting ourselves. “What’s the plan?” “I thought you had it.” “I don’t, I thought you did.” “Nobody got a f*ckin’ plan? I’m out. I’m not staying here doing this shit.” I go home, go to sleep. I got back home early. “You back early ’cause you was with a b!tch.” “No, I wasn’t!” “I was in a parking lot at Home Depot for 45 minutes… talking about absolutely nothing, which is why I came home.” I don’t like f*ckin’ arguing. I’m at an age where I don’t argue, I just leave. That’s my new move. “You argue with yourself. I’ll be back.” [chuckles] “I’ll be back.” “Hopefully when I come back, you ain’t got no energy.” That’s my f*ckin’ move. We argued in the morning and I left. It was 7:00 a.m. She called me, I’m in the car. She was like, “You probably getting your dick sucked.” At 7:00 a.m.? What b!tch is that ambitious that’s out here at 7:00 a.m… sucking dick? What type of daywalker do you think I’m dealing with? Jesus Christ! A 7:00 a.m. dicksucker on the loose, that’s got you worried? What are you readin’? What’s the blog that told y’all to worry about the dicksucker at 7:00 a.m.? “Watch your man, ladies!” “Since 7:00 a.m., dicksucker on the prowl!” “Thanks, girl.” “I saw it on my…” [chuckling] “I saw it on my security camera.” “Outside looking for dicks.” Came down… [laughing] “I saw her looking for dicks on my security camera.” “Somewhere out there looking for dicks.” Shit that I deal with is unreal. All my wife’s insecurities dropped down after she read my group chat.

Ladies, if you got a man over 40 years old in this room, I challenge you to check his phone and read his group chat. Do it! Over 40? You should do it. Under 40? I don’t recommend it, you gambling. You f*ckin’ gambling. Forty and above? Go, read it! You will never read a more inconsistent and unfocused conversation in your life. All my group chat conversations start off the same. They all start off great. “Yo!” “You see that picture of Rihanna’s ass?” “Goddamn.” “Shit!” “F*ck!” “I saw it.” Random question flies in the chat. “If you run out of butter, what else can I put in the pan?” “What?” “I ain’t got no butter, man.” “What else can I use?” “How’d you run out of butter?” “I don’t know, but it’s gone.” Another statement flies in. “I can’t even eat butter. It makes my gout act up.” “Gout?” “When you get gout?” “I been had gout.” “I didn’t know you had gout.” “I told y’all I had gout.” Another statement flies in the chat. “What the f*ck is gout?” A picture from WebMD hit the chat. Pow! Description of gout and what the f*ck it can do. “Goddamn, you got that?” Then the chat goes silent for five days. Don’t nobody saying shit. Forty and up, the chat just die. Nobody ends it. Day six, they pick up right where they left off. “What else make your gout act up?” My friend Joey don’t know how to use emojis. That’s how she thought she had somethin’ one time. You know, Joey’s the older one, Joey’s the one with gout. We tease him all the time. “You gout-having b!tch.” We just tease him. He was getting mad in the chat. “I’m tired of y’all teasin’ me all the time.” “Y’all just mad I’m doing the right thing with my life.” “I’m getting healthy.” “In fact, I’m ’bout to go get me a bunch of these right now.” He put five eggplants back-to-back. Then he put… [chuckles] Then he put the tongue emoji with the splash. I said, “What the f*ck… are you talking about, Joey?” “What are you talking about right now?” “You just said you’re about to go take five dicks to the face… [chuckles] and get them off. That’s what you just said.” “No, I didn’t say that!” “Yes, you did.” “Five eggplants, tongue, splash.” “You said you’re taking it to the face, finishing ’em off, that’s what you just said.” F*ckin’ Joey.

Older you get, the more direct and honest you get. Me and my wife are at a very direct and honest space in our relationship. Very honest. Very honest, man. My wife told me the other day, “Honey, your sex is no longer what it used to be.” To my f*ckin’ face! Ain’t this a b!tch? We’re in my home, I got no problem being honest with y’all. To my f*ckin’ face. Told me my sex is falling off. Know what my response was? “Happens.” That’s what I said. “Happens.” I don’t give a shit. F*cking 41, I don’t got time to be f*ckin’ all day. I’m tired. I’m tired. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick. I said it. That’s how I feel. That’s how I f*ckin’ feel. I’m not taking it back. I said it. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick. I told her, “Gotta pick one. You want this life or good dick?” “I’m not gonna do both. Not doing both.” “I’m not giving you both. Pick one.” When I had good dick, I was broke, I had nothing. I was out here f*cking for transportation when I had good dick. F*ckin’ for tokens. Sick of walking. I need to put down some good dick, get in somebody’s car around here. It was cold in Philadelphia. You don’t know my life. Stop judging me. But because you’re married, you gotta f*ckin’ compromise. Gotta meet you halfway. I told her, “You feel like I need to do better sexually?” “Pick a date.” “Pick a date.” On that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. You pick a date, on that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. She picked the eighth of every month. “All right. “You better buckle the f*ck up.” “I’m ’bout to drop some dick on your ass like you never had.” “To thump your ass right now. That’s exactly what I’mma do.”

It’s all fun and games until the week of. You get nervous as shit, man. [chuckles] My friends saw it on my face, “You good?” “No, I ain’t good. I gotta f*ck in five days, man.” Gotta f*ck her on the eighth. I was out here drinking pineapple juice, eating celery. I don’t… I don’t know what the f*ck is happening to me. Sweatin’. “Damn, man, I gotta f*ck in three days!” Countdown. Felt like I had the NBA Finals coming up or some shit, huh? Icing my legs, I didn’t know what was happening. The eighth came up, I did a good job. -Gave out a batch of some good dick. -[scattered applause] Thank you for the applause, I appreciate it. Very sad that you felt like you had to clap there, but I’ll take it. “Thank God, Kevin. Jesus!” My honesty backfired over there. Ooh! Oh. Gave out some good dick on the eighth. In true woman fashion, on the ninth, she tried to get some more. It’s not our agreement. That’s not the deal we made. I said one date. Every other day could be trashy dick or not. You don’t f*ckin’ expect the same thing again. After my f*ckin’ bedtime, she come in 8:30 p.m., drunk as shit. It’s late. [all laugh] Trying to wake me up, “Get up.” “Trying to get some dick.” “Trying to get more of that eighth dick.” That’s what she said. [all laugh] “I want some more of that eighth dick. Let me get some of that eighth dick.” I snap, “Get the f*ck off me, get your hands off of me.” “Coming here this late at night waking me up.” “Waking the dog up.” Older you get, you care more about the animals than anything else. “The dog ain’t had a good night’s sleep in the last two weeks, you come in here all loud?” “Pissed off, I’m very pissed off right now.” Me and the dog went downstairs, slept. Slept in the guest f*cking room. “I’m not gonna stay with you and your selfishness ’cause you want some more of that eighth dick.” “You just lost a month is what you just did.” Took the next eighth off the contract is what I did.

You know, honestly, what makes me laugh? Hearing other people talk about sex. That’s enough for me. Hearing other people talk about sex is the funniest shit in the world. Funniest people to listen to talk about sex is my nephews. My nephews are 21, 22 years old. It’s the funniest shit that you’ll ever hear, man. Funniest shit you’ll ever hear, but they don’t offer the information, you gotta bait it out of them. You gotta set a trap, see if they fall for it. I set the trap, they fall in every time. I just come in the room, hot. “Y’all ain’t f*ckin’ yet.” They take the bait every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” Every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me. I know you ain’t sayin’ I ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’!” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me.” “Go ahead, Unc.” “You ain’t f*ckin’, b!tch.” “I know your young ass ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’, Unc.” “Tell me what you doing.” “No, I ain’t telling you.” “‘Cause if I tell you, you’ll put it in your comedy show.” “I ain’t talking about you, shut up.” “What would I put you in my comedy show for?” “I got jokes, I don’t need you.” “What you doing? Give me the nastiest thing that you’ve done.” “No judging?” “No judging.” “F*ck I’mma judge you for?” “All right.” “Nastiest thing I’ve done…” “Went to the movies with this girl.” “We go to the movies, she tell me to get a large bucket of popcorn.” “I get the bucket of popcorn, I sit down, she cut a hole in the bottom, told me put my dick through the hole, gave me a butter beat-off.” I said, “What the f*ck?” Listen, I caught myself, I had to act like I knew what it was. Ha-ha! Ah. “A butter beat-off.” “I know that’s right.” “A butter beat-off.” You know you older ’cause you ask the wrong questions. “F*ck y’all get a large for? Why you waste all that popcorn?” “You should’ve just got the small.” “It’s a $12, $14 difference, ain’t it? Why you get that?” “The butter don’t get in your hole?” “That sound like an infection waiting to happen.” “It’s how you catch the VID. You gonna get the VID.” “Get the ‘VID-19 doing that shit, putting the butter in your hole.” “You don’t want the butter in your hole.” I ran home and told my wife. “Ain’t gonna believe this shit.” “Terrence told me these kids out here giving each other butter beat-offs.” She said, “They still doing that?” I said, “What the f*ck is happening here?” “Who are you?” I don’t even wanna know no more. You just stop right there. My kids better not be doing it, I know that much. If I find out my kids are doing it, I’ll have a goddamn fit. You can’t just ask your kids, though. You gotta, once again… You gotta set the trap, see if they step in it. We at dinner, eating a good dinner at the house, nice dinner. I throw the question out to my wife, “We should go to the movies.” “Maybe you can give a butter beat-off.” I look right at my f*ckin’ daughter. Right at my daughter. Staring at her ass. She didn’t budge. She was cool as a fan, eating her food and shit. I’ve never been more proud as a father. Thank you, God. Thank you, God, she don’t even know what it is. Thank you, God. Turn this way, my son was like, “Oh, yeah.”

[crowd laughing]

He said, “Yeah!” [chuckles] “You better get the large, Dad.” “You don’t want that butter in the hole, you’ll catch the ‘VID!” “Again. You don’t want it twice.” [chuckles] “You don’t want back-to-back cases of the ‘VID, Dad.”

My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date. Took her to a dinner party. I’m not name-dropping, but this joke doesn’t make sense unless I… drop the name. I went to Seinfeld’s house for a dinner party. Some of the best food I’ve ever had. Food was f*ckin’ amazing, man. At the end of the dinner party, Seinfeld came walking out. He was like, [imitates Seinfeld] “Nobody go anywhere.” “You guys are in for a treat. Tonight… we’re gonna have some brick-oven pizza.” [in normal voice] Everybody went crazy. “What? Oh, my God! Brick-oven pizza?” “What?” One lady was like, “How many cheeses, Jerry?” Jerry’s like, “Seven different cheeses.” “Seven different cheeses.” People went crazy. By the way, all these people were white. These are all f*ckin’ white people. They start chanting, “BOP!” The f*ck is “BOP,” man? [chanting] “BOP!” What the f*ck is “BOP”? White woman leans over the table, she was like, “It’s short for brick-oven pizza.” I was like, “Oh, shit.” “Oh, shit.” “Oh, okay, I get it.” Seinfeld has some Italian men walk out. They had pizza-like garb on. They start passing out the pizza saying Italian shit… [imitating Italian accent] I don’t know Italian. [imitating Italian accent] It just dawned on me, as I told that joke, what I’m doing is racist right now. I apologize. [imitating Italian accent] People were eating the pizza, going crazy. “Oh, my God. I taste the cheeses, Jerry.” “I taste the cheeses.” They brought me my pizza. I took a bite. I couldn’t f*cking believe it. Best pizza I’ve ever had in my life. Best f*cking pizza I’ve ever had. It had some type of lettuce on it. I’ve never tasted this shit. Told my wife, “It’s got some type of lettuce on it.” “Wait till you taste it.” This white woman leaned over again, she was like, “It’s arugula.” “What?” “It’s arugula.” “Oh, shit.” I took another bite. I got caught up. “BOP, BOP, BOP.” “BOP, BOP…” [chuckles]

What an amazing night. F*cking amazing night, from start to finish, man. In the car, I was pissed. I was pissed, you know why? Because I wanted what Seinfeld had. I wanted that f*cking moment, man. Seinfeld was known as the brick-oven-pizza guy. He was known for something else outside of his fame. I wanted that. What really pissed me off was that the same people who built Seinfeld’s house built my house. Not once was I offered the option of getting a brick pizza oven at my goddamn house. This was racism at the highest level. It’s f*cking racist. The next morning comes, I call the contractors. I come in hot, “You racist f*cks!” “For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option of getting a brick pizza oven and not even bringing it up to me shows just how racist you are.” “You better make it right or it’s gonna get worse for you.” I hang up the phone. Pow! They call back, “What are you talking about?” “You know what I’m talking about. Black lives matter.” Hung up again. Pow. Within a day, they’re at my house. Had a blueprint of what my pizza oven can look like. Within a week, I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my house. Once again, I wanted what Seinfeld had. I invited all my friends over. I’m gonna have a dinner party, just like Seinfeld did. All my friends finish eating. I come out at the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did. “All right.” “Nobody go anywhere because you guys are in for a treat tonight.” “We’re gonna have some brick-oven pizza tonight.” You hear murmurs around the room. “F*ck is he talking about? I ain’t eating no pizza off no brick.” Everybody at my party is Black. These are all Black people. “You better order Domino’s. I’m not eating that shit.” [Kevin chuckles] I said, “Now, I know what you’re thinking.” “How many cheeses?” “Seven different cheeses.” More murmurs. “I’m lactose intolerant. I’m not eating all that f*cking cheese.” “Everyone knows you only put that much cheese on macaroni.” “I’m not gonna eat that. What’s his problem?” I said, “Everybody get up. Let’s go outside ’cause that’s where the brick-oven pizza is.” More murmurs. “It’s cold as shit outside. I’m not going outside.” Black people got a response for every f*cking thing. “I’m not gonna do that. I’m not going outside.” I said, “Come on, everybody, say it with me, [chanting] ‘BOP, BOP, BOP.'” My friend Jamal stood up in the back, “Oh, if you got some BOP outside, I’m going.” Na’im said, “What the f*ck is BOP?” He said, “Man, he got some big old pussy out there. I’m goin’.” I said, “No, Jamal, ain’t no big old pussy out there.” “Yes, it is. That’s what BOP is.” “No, it’s not.” “Yes, it is. I was with you.” “We was in Atlanta, that big b!tch said, ‘Wanna see my BOP?'” “What’s that?” “And she was like, ‘Big old pussy.'” “And me and you start tipping her.” “I ain’t got no ones but I want to see it again.”

Everybody left. I never got my moment. I did not get my moment. Keep in mind, I wanted that. I wanna be known for something outside my f*cking fame, man. I wanted be known as Kevin Hart, the brick-oven-pizza guy, and the moment was gone. I had to find a new hobby. Searched hard for a new hobby, too. I was road biking for a minute. Getting miles in on the bike. I stopped, though. The reason why I stopped, I didn’t like the way my dick looked in the outfit. True story. Looked like I had a clit, I didn’t like it. ‘Tween that and the long balls, it was a bad combination. Shit just didn’t look right. When you stop at a light, you gotta click out. [chuckles] You gotta snap out, like, “Hey, what’s up?” Cars were slowing down. “F*ck you slowing down for, man? Get out here! Stop looking.” This lady slowed down. It was 7 a.m. I said, “You get outta here. I know what you want.” “Daywalker. Get your ass out of here.” “Ain’t no dicks out here for you, lady. Get out of here, daywalker.” “Get out of here.”

I started boxing. Boxing became a hobby. I started boxing because I felt like it was something I could get better at every day. Every day, I can get good. It’s me against me. Went and found a trainer. The guy had amazing talent underneath his belt. Golden Glove fighters, Junior Olympics… I mean, there’s so much, lightweight champions. I said, “I know you’re not working now, but I’ll pay you good money to train me.” He said, “If you take me on, I’ll make you the best fighter ever.” I said, “That’s too much.” “I don’t want that. I just want to get good.” He said, “Done.” He became my trainer. Gotta be honest with you. He was f*cking good. Made me good. Told me shit I thought I would never hear. Compared me to boxers I’ve never heard of, but it still was a compliment. Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl. He’s like, “Kevin, do you know who that is?” I said, “No, I do not.” He said, “I’mma bring you a tape.” “You got a VCR?” “No, I do not.” Then he made me laugh when I told him I didn’t have one. He was like… [grunts] Like I was in the wrong year. “Can’t believe you don’t have a VCR. Goddamn.” “Why do you still have a VCR, sir?” Told me I have one of the best jabs he’s ever seen. He said, “Your jab reminds me of lightning coming from your shoulders.” “Lightning coming from your f*cking shoulders.” He said, “You thought about fighting?” I said, “No.” “What about sparring?” I said, “No, but I would.” “That’s all I need to hear. Tomorrow. 6 a.m. I’ll set you up.” “You need to see how good you are.” 6 a.m., I come to the gym. He got a guy there, my height, my build. Got my head gear, my codpiece, my mouthpiece. Puts it all on me. Starts putting Vaseline all on my face and my headgear. I said, “What’s this for?” He said, “So the punches slide off.”

[crowd laughs]

“Well, we never talked… Okay.” “We didn’t discuss that, but all right.” “Okay. If that’s what it’s gonna do, then that’s what it’s gonna do.” He’s done putting Vaseline on. Walks out the ring. I said, “Wait, you didn’t do him yet.” He said, “He’s okay. He don’t need it.” “Huh. All right.” That’s weird. Okay, whatever. I’m gonna go with the flow. He said, “We’re gonna do three three-minute rounds.” “Nobody’s here to hurt anybody.” “Have a good time. Keep it loose.” He yells out, “Take it easy on him.” I assume he’s talking to me. Gotta be talking to me. I yelled back, “Gotcha, coach.” Put a confident laugh behind it. “Ha, ha!” We get to our corners. The bell rings. Ding. I come out. I want him to see that I could fight. You could tell I can fight by the way I hold my shoulders. Look how I’m moving. Hmm? My feet are spaced apart. Look at my foot move. Look how I’m moving, b!tch. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk. Mmm-hmm. Yeah, you see it. He flatfooted. Oh! He’s not even on the balls of his foot. I’m gonna whoop his ass. I’m getting more confidence as I move around. My coach says, “Kevin, stop playing. Let your hands go.” All right. “Ask and you shall receive.” I hope he got the Weather Channel, ’cause this is about to be some lightning. When you throw a jab, you take a step. Take a step, let the jab go at the same time. Turn it over. Every time. [mimics punch] That’s how you throw it. I take my step. I’m about to turn it over. I’m right here. Here it is. About to turn that b!tch over. You better brace yourself. Here it come. Ooh. It’s coming. Right here. I’m right here, but I’m about to get here. Here I am, but I’m about to get right there. You better brace yourself. I’m right here. Before I did that… [knocking] he hit me. I immediately lost my vision. Immediately. I went blind immediately. Couldn’t see shit. Everything was black. Aah… I read that you could get brain damage or die from a punch. I just lost my f*cking vision. I don’t have eyesight no more. I can’t see. I panicked. I turned around. I’ve been known to do this move several times. I start punching backwards. I’ve talked about it in my past specials. I’m a backwards puncher. When I panic, I f*cking start punching. My trainer said, “Kevin, throw the jab, throw the jab!” I said, “For what, liar?” It ain’t lightning unless he’s a storm tracker, okay? Because this is f*cking ridiculous. I’m blind. I can’t see shit. Aah! I’m blind. “Ring the bell. Ring the f*cking bell.” The bell rings. I can’t get to the corner. I gotta follow his voice to the corner. Aah! As I get to the corner, my trainer, he’s like, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I’m blind. I can’t f*cking see.” He just lift my head gear up… Apparently, when he hit me, he knocked my head gear over my eyes. It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it the whole time. He’s like, “Why didn’t you lift it up?” I said, “Because we never went over that in practice.” “I think you put too much Vaseline on me.” “That’s why I was sliding all over the place.” “Sliding all over the f*cking place. I don’t wanna do this no more.” “You’re just gonna quit?” “I don’t call it that, “I just wanna do something else.” “What you gonna tell him?” I said, “I’m never talking to him again in my f*cking life.” “My lawyer will talk to him. He’s going to jail.” “I bet you that. He’s going to f*cking jail after this.” “What he did to me tonight was assault. That’s what the f*ck this was.” “Assault at the highest level.”

I quit. Walked away from boxing that day. Walked away. Never went back. Later on, I decided to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl. I went and found this guy. I wanted to know who he was. Who are you comparing me to? After that display of boxing that I gave, I wanted to see who the f*ck was like me or who was I like? Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm. He was a handicapped fighter. He was one in thirty-eight. His one win came from disqualification. He got knocked out, they kicked him in the face. That’s why they gave him the “W.” He had a squeaky voice. So my trainer was talking about my voice all this time. It had nothing to do with my fighting style. Just so happened to compare me to a handicapped fighter. I know, I’m gonna get a lot of shit after this joke from f*cking one-armed people. I guess, they’ll cancel me next, I don’t know. Good news is their rally won’t last long ’cause they can’t hold them signs for too long. [chuckles] ‘Cause they only got one… [chuckles] They’re gonna get tired. They gotta put them arms down. Unless they coordinate it right with the equal amount of right hands and left hands, they’re not gonna get their message across to cancel me. So… that’s some good news. Maybe I should take that one out. Let’s take that one out. I’m gonna get canceled for that one. F*ck it. I’m in my house. I’m gonna say what the f*ck I want.

It’s a joke.

[crowd applauding]

It’s a joke. I was so happy, man, after that spar, because that was the first sign that I was back to myself of old. I started sparring after my accident. You guys don’t know, a year ago, I got into a really bad car accident. Almost f*cking died, man. Damn near paralyzed. A lot of bad shit happened. I was in a hospital for a minute. Thought about a lot. ‘Cause I thought about a lot, I can now ask you things that I know you haven’t thought about. Question number one is, do you have an ass wiper in your life? Think about it. An ass wiper. Somebody that will wipe your ass if shit hit the fan for the rest of your life, if need be. You don’t think you need it until you f*cking need it. After surgery, I didn’t go to the bathroom for eight days. I was constipated. They wouldn’t let me leave until I went to the bathroom. Had to make sure my organs were working. I had somebody by my side every single day. On day nine, there was a 20-minute gap when I was by myself. During this gap, it felt like somebody threw a stick of dynamite in my f*cking stomach and that b!tch exploded. Boo! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I gotta go. I gotta go to the f*cking bathroom. Can’t move my legs. I can’t move my arms. There’s nobody there. I start pressing the help button. “Help!” “Help! Help!” “Help! Somebody gotta help!” José came running in the room. José was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse. “What’s up, my friend?”

[crowd laughing]

“José.” “I gotta go to the bathroom, man, now.” “I gotta go right now.” “Okay. I got you, man. I’ll take care of you. I’ll get you good.” José grabbed my legs, grabs my upper body, picks me up, sits me on the toilet that was right next to the bed. After he sits me on the toilet, José took two giant steps backwards, [grunts] folded his arms, was looking me in the eye, rocking back and forth like this. “Oh, no.” “The f*ck is happening, José?” “I gotta go, man. Why you still here?” Then it dawned on me, “Oh, my God, José’s gotta wipe my ass.” “Oh, this is rock bottom. This is it.” “This is rock f*cking bottom. I’m here. It can’t get worse than this.” When I say that, José decides to say things that make me feel better. “Don’t worry, man. I’m gonna wipe you good, okay?” “I’m gonna wipe you good, okay, man?” “I got you. You’re in good hands with me. I’mma wipe you good, okay, man?” At this point, I’m f*cking in disbelief. I just can’t believe what’s happening. I can’t hold it. I just go. I start going. José decides to cheer me on. “Good, good, good.” “You gotta get it out, man.” “Eight days’ a long time for anybody, man.” I get done going, José grabs my right arm, rolls me over. José starts wiping my ass. At this point, a single tear rolls down my f*cking cheek. I’m crying. The reason I’m crying is because my arms are numb, my legs are numb. But I couldn’t figure out why God would leave feeling in the space of my ass. Why not numb that up, too? Why let me feel what the f*ck is happening? At the lowest point of my life, why feel José wiping my ass? Crying uncontrollably at this point. José decides to say something else. “It’s okay, man. This is crazy, man. I know.” “Imagine how I feel, man.” “I can’t believe I’m wiping Kevin Hart’s ass, man.”

[crowd laughs and applauds]

“This is crazy.” -“It’s my first famous ass, man.”

[crowd cheering]

Guys, this has been such an amazing night of f*cking comedy. Dude, it’s been such a great night.

[all cheering]

Such a great, intimate night. We shared so much. I love it. It’s such a different vibe. It’s a comfortable vibe. It’s a sexy vibe. More importantly, it was a vibe that I got to be myself in, but I don’t want you guys to leave with just some laughter from jokes. I feel like I can give you more. I want you to know me for more, okay? ‘Cause I got more. I got more.

[crowd applauding] With that being said, I hope you guys are ready for some BOP. Bring out the BOP. That’s right. Brick-oven pizza for everybody. BOP! Yes, that’s right. I got some BOP for you.

I see you.

[all applauding] [all chanting]

BOP! Yes! Thank you guys so much. What an amazing night.

[chanting] BOP! BOP!


What’s wrong with you, boy?

I just had the the craziest dream.

Oh, my gosh.

No, it was crazy. It’s okay. No, it’s not. I dreamt that I was on stage, and I was doing stand up about stuff that I would never say. I called my daughter a ho. I called my son dumb. I said I don’t like private school and the plant-based community was wilin’. -[sputters] -All right. I went through this whole phase where I said I was at Seinfeld’s house. I ain’t never been to Seinfeld’s house. I said, I said– Go back to sleep.

You were just having a bad nightmare.

[groans] Just a nightmare, right?

Yeah. It was just… It was just a nightmare. Yes, go back to sleep, please. You ever had BOP? No?

[hip-hop music playing]


1 thought on “Kevin Hart: Zero F**ks Given (2020) – Transcript”

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!