Whoa! Okay, yeah. Good. Okay, don’t embarrass yourself, okay. Ohh, the expectations. Crushing, I would argue. Absolutely crushing, debilitating in every way. I’m gonna move this, ’cause I’m so thin I’ll disappear behind it, so… And then you’ll be like, “Is that… Is that Kate “or is that Kate? Right? “I don’t know who to watch. Is that the comedian, or is that the, uh, the mic stand?”
So… So, the cameras. Big night for me. Yeah, really big. So there’s a camera, there’s a camera. Huh! You know, they’re everywhere. They can see you. We can see them. It’s an inherently false, um, moment, right? It’s a little bit scary. They’re… they’re filming. They’re not actually filming. They are, but it’s… Is it… is the camera inherently misogynist? Yes, right, so… Am I… Am I… Do I feel attacked? Yeah. Right, it’s very… Even the language. You know, “We’re shooting her. We shot her.” “We got her. We have her.” Right, it’s a… You know, I feel… Is it scary? Yeah, you know… Is what I do brave? Yeah, you know… It absolutely is. But I was, of course, forced into comedy at a very young age just because of my bone structure. But I did… I chose to stay in it for this, the directness. Right? And I can reach out and I can actually… I’m changing lives, and she’s crying. She’s crying. It’s me, sweetie. You can touch, yeah, yeah. Very sweet. No, that was very sweet. That was very sweet. She was looking up at me, and she was like, “Uh! I grew up with you in my home. “How can… Am I in my living room? What’s going on?” And her friend was like, “Go for it, babe.” And she was like, “Okay, if you say so.” It was very sweet.
So, yeah. So it’s… great moment to have up top. Unprecedented, I would argue, to have such a direct physical connection with the audience, aside from the emotional one that I’m fostering already, and we’re what, minute… Who cares? I’m not counting. You are, yeah. But… Out of breath from the physical comedy I did, so right now… I do… One thing about me that is essential is that I do comedy primarily to process the overwhelming privilege of my childhood, um… adolescence and now adulthood, right? If you can imagine growing up almost collapsing under the weight of resources. Right? Almost so many, right, that your gait is affected, right? If you can imagine my parents, you know, so loving. “You’re so special. We love you.” Right? They’re actually not divorced, right? All of that, and somehow, with all of that weighing you down, just finding the strength to get to Zara. Just somehow… Whoa! And sometimes Zara’s closed, I’ll be honest. This is actually my first time not performing for kids. Um… I usually do my… My sort of my… My bracket is two to four. That’s really where I thrive. And, you know, I do a lot of stuff kind of…
♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday ♪
♪ Where are my boots? ♪
You know, and then I… The boots are gone, and then we do a scavenger hunt for the boots, and it’s really fun, but tonight, I… I was like, no, no, no. I want to do adults. You know, I want to do… I want to go verbal. I want to do the adult stuff. It’s really hard to have absolutely no comedic influences whatsoever. Um… Well, I would say my influences are pottery, um, just engagement with the raw materiality of the earth, and… small batch granola. I think just batches of granola that are made in such small quantities they actively resist capitalism. I think that’s it. Uh, and Carlin, yeah. I know I ooze an East Coast intellectualism, but I’m actually from Los Angeles, right here. Um, is anyone else born and raised in L. A.? I’m the only one! So… it’s weird to be the only one, but it’s such an incredible… You know, and people say, oh, you know, “Hollywood. It’s a paper town filled with paper people.” You know, but it’s so real, I actually think. People… if you were from here, you’d know that what we do with our families is we go out to the docks every morning, ’cause it really is an import… No, it’s an import-export town. So you’ll see families at dawn, and we watch the barrels of the imports come in and the exports leave, right? And that kind of creates this beautiful choreography of commerce, and it’s really exciting, and I cry every time that I see it. So it’s emotional. But, yeah, I love it here. It’s… it’s beautiful. I often walk around and, like, it’s so lush I feel like I’m in Mexico, and then I’m like, “You are. It’s a false border.” Right? So, yeah, yeah. Hope there are no cops here. I like that. This could be good. And then it… But it would really be subversive if I took this all the way into the street, and then you were still here and never knew… “She’s in San Diego. She just crossed the line into Pomona City.” I don’t know about various cities. Um… Yeah, because, maps, no. I won’t… It always terrifies me when you see people going to the map store. “Map for one!” You know, and they bring it… They… “This is what we worship in this house.” Right. It’s like, who made your maps? Right? Who’s benefiting off that system? Dead silence. No one cares, so… And that’s what I’m doing here. I’ve actually been sent here by the government. To shine a flashlight in those dark corners of culture and go, “Who made your maps? You don’t know, right? Well, now you’re gonna know.” But I… But then, of course, the deep terror: I don’t know either. Yeah, I don’t even know what day it is. I don’t… Ask me what day it is. – What day it is? – Don’t know! I’m an artist, okay. I’m more pulled by the tides. It is sometimes, I’ll admit it, hard being the only artist in the room. Um… Sorry, the only true artist in the room. I am controlling the laughter tonight also. Just, you know, know that, so, yeah, shh. Ha ha ha. You know. A little less here and then… Okay. You were late, whoever that was, you were late. Okay. Mm. Two weeks till regionals. We’re screwed! Yeah. Yeah. “We don’t wanna practice.” Well, it’s gonna be a lot of sad faces in the parking lot after the tournament. That’s all I’m gonna say. Wow. Hmm. Thank you for… for this. For giving me a safe place to heal tonight, for… My work is, of course, endurance-based. It’s kind of about you enduring me. So this very… Yeah, it just means a lot. I am psychic, so, uh, is your name, like… Christine? Okay, it’s fine. Um… Hmm. It’s fine. It’s fine. Is there a Christine over here? Just ’cause sometimes the energy does a direct transfer. Is there a Christine in this area at all? Christine-less. Wow. Well, it’s bad luck. Corporate’s not gonna like that. No. Yeah, I think the mirror, you know, it’s just so interesting to perform in front of a mirror when I am a mirror for you. Right? For your fears, desires, anxieties, right? So… And you’re also my mirror as the audience. You know, I look at you and I’m like, “I am the messiah.” You know, it’s very… Or a messiah figure, I should say, but it’s… so there’s a lot going on here. There’s actually… There’s actually three mirrors in the room. You’ll get it in a week. Call me. Okay. No, but the mirror, of course, also is the origin of narrative, film, the building blocks of cinema. Entertainment. The origin of entertainment right here. The first entertainment, of course, the cavewoman, or caveperson, looking in the river. “Who’s that? Ahh!” Delight in one’s image, eh? Spanking the river. Realizing, “Ohh!” And then… and then the ripples. Oh, frames, frames of film, right. So it goes on… Yeah, so it’s… it’s the river, the reflection, and then “Cheers,” that would be next in line. And then me, yeah. That’s the evolution of entertainment. I feel like I’m neglecting this side. We’re… I’m so frontal. I’m so Western. I’m so American. The front, the front, the front. I want to see it all! Right? Instead of kind of not America. Kind of other ways to live, right? Kind of like getting my hair cut at home. Right, things like that that I don’t explore. I’m like, “Oh, boy. A sale?” You know? And it’s like, why? Why couldn’t I go, “Make it at home.” You know, except… But that’s a side neglect. So it’s make it at home, yeah. Okay. I’ll work on it. Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry to try to find something in the moment. I’ll get… I’ll get back to the… the “A” material. Okay, ten years ago, there’s nothing, so… I sort of just for the mo… I kind of wanna… Could I have a spotlight? I just want to really feel what that might be like. In the… for the complete drama. Oh, wow. Can you believe that? How’s this? How’s this? Am I in it? Oh. It’s hard to receive. I’ll be hon… Isn’t that wild? Right now, being in it, feeling it, it’s so… it brings up, “Oh, no.” You know, it does. But I could. I could actually go to that place where I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know. Actually, it feels really good. Just, “I don’t know.” You know, it feels good to go there, ’cause so often you have to, “I have the paperwork right here, sir.” You know, but… but inside, I don’t know. I think as women we fear our excellence so intrinsically. We’re taught to fear it so early, so the spotlight to really feel th… I also just wonder, like, in this light, are my features too violently Hassidic, or could I pass for Italian, right? I wonder. I don’t know. I can’t quite tell. Mmm.
The makeup. I do… I believe that women have the right to steal cosmetics 100%, by the way. I do want to say. Are you kidding me? We are forced into a system where we have to constantly pay for certain creams, powders, lotions, right? We have to pay for our own subjectivity. And, no, you know, if you don’t… if you don’t have that, then the state won’t recognize you, and you can’t get a job. Right? So… No, I have to contour my nose away to get a bank loan. I’m not… I won’t do it. No, well, this lipstick tonight that I’m wearing actually is called Scarlet Empress, and, yeah, so the violence is truly never-ending, and… it cost $30. If you pay for it, right? But… No, and by the way, I’m not advocating for stealing from small businesses, of course not. I’m talking about large corporations who factor theft into their annual budget, I think, heh. But… but have fun. If you can safely do it, have fun. Okay. Mmm. I was on my way to what I knew would be a disappointing massage… and I realized I… I do think I’ll see a woman become president in my lifetime. I do, and… No, I think it’s cool you’re not clapping, though. I think that’s cool. Um… No, it’s chic, you know. It’s not condescending. You’re not like… “Who run the world? Girls!” No, it’s just very real. You’re like, “No, we… It’s time, and…” we anticipate that.” So… I do think I’ll see it. But… but I will say, I think for America to elect a woman as a president, she’s either gonna have to be so hypersexualized, like pornographically feminized to the point that she wins and immediately is like, “Oh, no! Oh, no!” Gets into the Oval Office, is like dropping stuff. Like, “I’m such a slut. I’m sorry.” I’m sorry.” Or… or she’ll have to be so radically desexualized that she’s truly just a fridge on one wheel with a single eye, like… That’s it!
I just… I don’t see America electing just a woman. Just a woman in pants who’s like, “I believe people have the right to live with dignity.” No. I don’t see it. So, yeah, to recap, it’s either hypersexualization or desexualization to the point of being artillery, just so it’s clear. Oh, and I want to be clear. Like, I want the fridge. Like, please, I’m dying for the fridge. I go to museums. Nothing? Okay, and… I’ll just take an afternoon, like absolutely. Oh, mys… Yeah, no, I’ll go and… to get inspired and to meet men, and I’ll… I always feel like I have this direct connection to kind of almost a past self. Like, I’ll look… I always find myself wandering the halls of the… the rococo paintings and the… and the Renaissance, and there’s always this incredible cornucap… I’ll walk you though what happened. I meant to say cornucopia. Co-co-co! And I said ca-ca-ca. “Cornuca… Cornucapia? Never heard of it, Kate. The show’s over, okay?” And that’s… That’s a professional. ‘Cause someone else, “cornucapia,” they’d never notice, uhh! But me… Cor… I… one… one little mistake like that, I’m not kidding, we’ll go from the top. I’ll start this puppy over. I will. Okay, so the museum stuff, I’m gonna do it. You’ll see, it’s not worth it, but, um… I’m doing it! Okay, so sometimes, you’ll be at the museum and I’ll see… I will see these paintings of these sort of beautiful cornucopias, and, uh, there’s a slaughtered rabbit, right, and the orange peel. You know what it’s like. You’re a cultured group. And there’s… There’s always a wench just hovering just over the cornucopia like… It’s me, it’s me. And also, I will say I can very easily become male, kind of look like the, um, the court jester, you know, with the pan flute, like… You know, that’s… I’m eternal… is, I guess, what I’m trying to say. I’m not really the… the girl next-door. I’m the door! I don’t know if anything’s ever happened to anyone here. Um… I don’t want to assume, right, but I will say growing up in my family, we didn’t have wheat. Um… but we had each other. Oh, we had the hope for wheat, so, in a way, it’s almost like we had… Wheat!
Love this crowd! Thank you. To feel so bolstered, so supported in that moment was something I haven’t felt in a really long time. Oh, ah! But… I was in here before all of you came, just waxing the floors, getting everything just so. I did found this theater. I founded the theater, and founded theater in general, or… at least am seen as responsible with bringing theater to the West, but… “Jokes Aside,” which is the name of my book, but, oh… I… I was in here alone, and as women we’re socialized against seeing solitude as a space of productivity… Write it down if you have to… And so in doing that, I was like, “That’s activism.” Right, that’s it’s right there. Right, so why even go on stage and do the work? It’s almost redundant. But… While I’m here, can someone just give me an emotion? I want to continue to act. – Anger. – Anger. Anger I think for me is really just… Can I have… Can I have another? We’re not done. Can I have another? – Acting nervous. – Fear. Oh, whoa. Fear. Well… One more, ’cause you’re begging for it. – One more. – Thrill. Thrill. No, I like that, thrill. Thrill is really just in the most simple form… Right? Because we actually hide what we feel. We don’t show what we’re feeling, right? An amateur would get up here and say, “Oh, fear? Oh, no!” Right? But no. When you’re actually afraid, you’re like, “I’m not scared,” you know. “Don’t… don’t let him see.” Right? So that’s… that’s what that is. Cool. Whew. A lot came up for that. That was actually good. I could actually feel myself locking in there. Somatically, I was like, “This is acting.” So… that was absolutely helpful. While I’m in the spotlight, hit the track. Can you imagine? There’s nothing, but… I wish. Give me a couple years. No more spotlight! Okay, I’m over it, actually. Can we get out? Thank you. I could call back, but… Oh, they want more? Whatever they need. Whatever the camera needs, right?
Oh. Cameras, cameras, everywhere. Cameras, cameras, don’t you dare. You see me, but I see you. You say yes, I and say… Ugh, couldn’t rhyme. I’m just checking in. I love you. Okay, great. It is helpful just to have that anchor. To have an anchor. Here, I would almost just almost end the sentence there. To have an anchor. Wow. Only because I’m really feeling it, did someone… yeah. Okay, did someone over here recently move? And I’m seeing Wisconsin. I’m real… Wisconsin’s being highlighted. Is anyone in this area from Wisconsin or have any relationship to it? Wisconsin! Okay, um… Michigan. Did anyone here move recently? By the way, I’m fine. I need you, I need you, I need you. Relax. I need you supine. I need you trusting. Okay? I do this at the boardwalk every Sunday, okay? I’m fine. Now back to Wisconsin. No, that’s fine. It’s… It might be somewhere else. It’s called an energy flare. Oh, Wisconsin? Oh, thank you, great. Thank you so much. See? So, I’m right. Yeah. You recently moved? Yeah, silent. I like that, okay. I’m seeing an injury. Not like I… It’s… It’s healed. But did someone here have like a left… Is it their left angle… ankle. Left angle? Cool, we’re going from the top! I’m not kidding! I said angle instead of ankle. Unprofession… Oh, my God! That’s radical. See, this actually looks like a plant. This is actually… No, this is unfortunate, ’cause this looks fake. I’ll only ask this. Is it your left side? Yeah. I can do more of like a… Of a clear landing just for… Yeah, good. God, it feels good. First of all, I’m sorry. Hey, hey, hey. Your h… It goes your health, my show. Yeah. Is it… is it a… is it a break? – It’s a sprain. – A sprain. And it is my ankle. Yeah, so ooh! Oh, you didn’t think I was really psychic, huh? Left ankle sprain. Was it… I’m getting the sense that it was not sports-related. Um, it… it was, but… Well, I mean, it always is, like in the sense that you are in sport, that your body is in motion, but, yeah.
I’m not a sporty person, so…
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you… What were you playing? I was in a spin class. Let this be a lesson. They will take your money… they will ruin your family and your reputation, and they’ll send you on your way. Were you downtown? I was in Eagle Rock. So, yeah. I’ve always said, like, downtown is up here. You know? Like, you’ll notice right now I’m downtown. I’m downtown. And for me, even when I’m uptown… Oh, no, no! Oh… Whoa, I almost tripped, and no one came to help, whoa! That actually was scary. There was a quick moment, and then… and not… To not even feel a hand come up. “Let me help you. You’re just here to… “You’re just trying to make me laugh. “Let me help you if you fall.” Right? But instead, “Work, work, work!” I guess I am alone up here. It’s good… No. Thank you for reminding me. Very good, very good. The wire, of course, kind of representing media, I think. The way it’s snaking around me. The way media literally cannibalizes the female form. Right, you’ll notice how it’s snaking around. ” Sure, tell your story… – but on my terms.” You know, it’s very… Yeah. Oh, yeah. 40 minutes right here. Can you believe this doesn’t affect the sound? Can you believe that? This really is… This is engineering. This is… this is why we go to war is to protect this. I want to fight for this. I want to fight for my country with this, okay. Back to the ankle injury.
Is your name Rachel?
No.
Can you imagine that? I would’ve been, “Whoo!” Do you have… a dog. No, I want a dog, though. That’s what I’m picking up on, the urge. Last thing I’ll say or not, it’s my show. Um… Do you have… I’m seeing sisters. Do you have sisters? I have a younger sister. Yeah, so you’re the second sister. So I’m seeing sisters, and it’s you. You have… It’s you and your younger sister. I’m actually an only child. Go ahead, laugh. You’ve got one. Never seen one up close, huh? Go ahead. For those of you who don’t know, an only child is somebody with no brothers, and you guessed it, no sisters. It used to make me sad as a child, but now I realize it’s actually a gift, because I don’t have to live under the crushing weight of the sexual tension that I know exists among all siblings, yeah. That’s what I like when see people full, “Oh, God, the truth!” They’re crossing in. That’s what I like to see. And by the way, that’s okay. You’re normal, okay? Any institution that’s like, “Sex doesn’t exist here,” it’s ’cause it does. And I’ll just say, like if I had a brother, forget about it, okay? Forget… about… it. Cannot imagine. Sneaking a glimpse of him in his boxers at dawn, like… Before school. Heh! Long family car trips, no one else to talk to. Fall in love like that, okay? It’s easy. It’s easy. Getting picked up, being like, “Oh, Josh, put me down! “Stop! “Ugh! You ripped my shirt. Yeah, I need yours. What else am I gonna wear to Easter brunch?” “Mom and Dad aren’t gonna be home for like an hour. “Just give me your shirt. Ugh!” I’m jealous. My, bring up some stuff… And by the way, if you’re uncomfortable, if you feel that, know that that’s for a reason, right? That’s why… that’s why they won’t air this show live. They won’t stream this on the radio right now. And why do you think? ‘Cause people will be driving. “Oh, here’s my light.” They hear my voice. “I have a choice in life?” Veer off the road. A lot’s at risk. Heh! There are cameras, but also… there are cameras. They’re watching. I am always pretty sure I’m being surveilled in bathrooms, so I will just be like, “I know!” It helps, ’cause I want the person surveilling me to be like, “She sees!” You know, I want… I want to feel that. I want to feel it. I want to feel that. If that… it that’s a crime, then take me back to the bishop’s ranch. Ohh! I want to go back to the bishop’s ranch. Huge theme emerging about the bishop’s ranch. Um… Incredible to feel that, and then touch it with that authentically and to know that’s where I belong. It’s something that I couldn’t have planned, and that’s why I’m so excited to actually present to you, we have the bishop. Come on out! Yeah. In editing, that’ll be… huge. ‘Cause we’re gonna CGI the bishop, and “Oh, my God!” The people at home? “Oh-ho-ho!” Yeah. Sorry. I want money, okay? And people love the bishop. Okay, okay!
Wrap it up.
Okay.
Ohh! I’ll say therapy, get in it now, you know? Is my therapist here? Christina? ‘Cause you never know. Okay, wow. So you’re not curious what I do. Yeah, I was just like, okay, okay. When people say they’re not in therapy, I’m like… you can’t do karaoke forever. You know, you have to… Oh, no. Your friends and family see what karaoke has become for you. So… Uh, sex. Um… I don’t know. I’m not convinced. I’d say. Like, does it even have the power to transform the day? I don’t know. I just… Not to brag, but I probably had the best sex of my life recently, and like an hour and a half later I was furious at Bank of America. Like I don’t… Even the day, you know, couldn’t be changed, so… And I also, I do not appreciate the myth brutally propagated by media that sex is the one time in your life where you’re able to finally shed the prison of your personality. That that’s when your mask finally drops. I find that during sex my mask has never been tighter. Like it’s absolutely… And trust me, I’ve tried to like… You know? You know, I’ve tried, but it’s never so much as slipped. I mean, it’s really… Ugh.
I actually think that the only time that we’re truly released from the prison of our personality, the only time that our mask actually drops, is when we barf. I really think that’s it. ‘Cause just the rawness, the animalism, that’s the only time in your life when your… your taste in art, your funny outgoing voicemail, right, your grant money, is irrelevant. It’s not there. It’s just about that. It’s also the only time in modern life when you aren’t being advertised to. That’s it. And trust me, they’ll find a way. Oh, they’ll get in there. They’ll get in your toilet if they have to. Hmm. Oh, I love your laughs. Ohh, I love this moment! Ohh! Really, though, when I hear… I hear kids. I hear little kids going, “Where’s my dad?” Right, I mean… Really, though. Sometimes I’m up here and I’m like, “Where are our dads?” Like, this is crazy. Did you know that you’re born with your eggs? I’ll go back. If you’re… If you’re someone who has eggs, you’re born with them. It’s not like they developed during puberty. Can anyone confirm? This really blew my mind. Yeah. So what does this mean? This means that your mother, the day she was born, you were already inside her. The potential for you was already there. Can you go that far? Yeah. Crying, crying, crying, crying, crying.
Okay. So, what I’m trying to say is, we’ve all been marinating in our mother’s rage since the day she was born, and then her mother’s rage, and her mother, her mother, on and on, okay? We’re all stewing in the rage of all the women who’ve come before us. It’s an intergenerational tajine of rage. And it’s deserved, I want to say that, but it’s been very helpful for me because I’ll be going about my day, everything’s fine, and then out of nowhere I’m like, “I’m gonna break glass,” you know? And I… I’m like, where does that anger come from? It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, and it’s been very helpful to be like, it’s actually maybe not mine. It’s my grandmother in Spain, like, “Aah!” You know, that’s… That’s who it belongs to. So release. Release thyself. And, you know, honor it, but push through. I actually don’t have kids yet, but my daughter right now is like, “Mom, what are you doing up there? I can feel it.” “Love you, sweetie. Maybe we’ll watch this together one day with Dad.”
You probably have read in the news that I’ve been tucking in my blouses more. Sss… And it does feel good. It makes me feel very together. Like I tuck in, and immediately I really do feel like I have children, like I just completely… I feel effective. I’m like, yes, absolutely, right here. I have everything I need. Immediately leaving the house with the blouse tucked in, I’m like there’s all these kids that are like, “Okay, come on. We gotta go. “We gotta go. We’re gonna get in the car. “Can you tell me in the car? Can you tell me in the car? “Okay, great. Yeah?” It’s my husband. “Uh… okay. I could’ve used that information earlier, I’ll be honest, yeah.” “How can I do that now? Uh, I’m just really asking. How can I do that now?” “No, no, I asked you, and… and I remember “’cause I asked you yesterday. “No, I know that you said no, but now you’re saying yes. “Okay, yeah, okay. “Okay, say bye to Daddy. Say bye to Daddy. “Yeah. Oh, hi. Yeah, okay, I’ll call you later. Bye.” That’s the woman who lives next-door who I feel more connected to than my own husband. All of that, all of that with just imagination. Can you believe it? I want you out of your seats. Okay. I have no texts. Not possible, actually. Uh-oh. Remember her? You know what that means.
Yeah. We’re in the final quadrant of the show. Isn’t that heartbreaking? Mm. Oh! I’m actually a huge gear nerd, so I usually bring my own mic, ’cause I love to be like… It’s good! We’re set. We’re set. Okay. Life, like this show, is cinnamon in the wind. It’s just… whoosh! You know, it’s gone. And… you’re just there left cursing the air like, “There was spice here once.” You know, it’s… That’s all it is. It’s… It’s hard to admit, but, you know, life is short. I… I like that. Life is short, life is short. Write that down. Okay, we’ll, we’re filming, so that’s fine. “Honey?” Shh, my husband. “Babe… write down ‘Life is short’.” “Life is short. I’m just thinking here. “Uh, live out loud. I like that. Write that down.” Okay. He’s jealous of what I do. Hmm-hmm. Um… yeah, but it’s true that this could really be… Oh, no, not again. Right. No, but this really is me wrapping up formally. Um, people close to me know I hate to leave the stage, so this will not go well, I just want to tell you now. It’s not gonna… it’s not gonna be a smooth one, but we’ll get you… We’ll land you there, okay? We’ll land you in Des Moines. It’s funny. Someone here tonight has the exact laugh of somebody who deceived me, and it’s really… Huh. Now you’re quiet, right? Typical.
You do all look gorgeous, though, I have to say. When we started this show, you were all like this, “Oh, the mortgage, the mortgage.” Right? And now you’re so relaxed. You’re so open. “The mortgage, the mortgage.” You know? And it is special… Oh, my God… I’m so sorry. Hello? Yeah! I’m at work. Why? Okay. Um… like 30 minutes, yeah. Oh, it’s going really well. Yeah, it’s going well. Ohh, how is she? I said, “Ohh, how is she?” Uh-huh. Oh, she not find it? Shit. Okay. Tell her to look under the bed, yeah. Okay. Okay, okay, great. Um, oh, I gotta go, but, um… okay, perfect. I love you, too. Okay. Bye. Oh, my God. No, I’m sorry. That’s… so rude. First of all, I never wanted to be one of those comedians who took a call onstage. That is crazy, crazy rude, but there’s this guy I’ve been seeing for a while, and he just like told me he loved me, so right now I’m just like, oh, my God. So, I… immediately, the walls. Isn’t that funny? Immediately. “Oh, God, now I can’t trust,” but it’s… I actually… we do have that solid foundation of trust because he is my lawyer, so I feel like there is… we have that, you know? But… hmm! I’m just laughing thinking about how fulfilling my private life is. It’s just crazy. I just… And this is amazing. Like, I love being able to do this and connect like this, but then I go home to my boys, and it’s just very… I have seven sons, um… They are 4, 6, 2, 8, 9, 12, and two days. So I have a lot on my hands. I… Yeah, so I have to go home, but, um… Oh, what… I can’t think about my family for a minute? Okay, sorry, whoa! Okay! No, I’ll get back on schedule for sure. Jesus Christ! In case anyone cares, this whole night has been hell for me. Okay? In case anyone cares! Since the very beginning. Tick tock! Right? “Get to the point, bitch!” Right? I’ve felt that from you, so don’t worry. I’ll be on my way, and you can go back to your perfect life without me. Jesus Christ.
By the way, I’ll just say, like, you paid to see me, but I’m the weirdo. Okay, got it! Yeah, all of you staring at me, but I’m the one who has a screw loose. Got it. Sure. Okay. No, I’m being… It’s not cool to, like, yell at you. It’s… I’m, um, sad to leave, because until tonight, I… I didn’t know what a family was. No, I’m serious. I had always seen in… books and… TV movie, things like that. I always saw this family, I always saw these happy people smiling, and I was always banging on the glass like this. “Let me in, let me in!” And I never could get in, and, um… I guess tonight for the first time I actually kind of felt like I was sitting at the dining room table with everyone. So, um, that’s why it’s hard for me to leave, but I have to leave… I have to get back, um… I’m selling tank tops and stuff outside, so… So I have to get back to that, but, um… all good things must end, right? “Write that down, babe! That’s good, but…” But I’m gonna put on a happy face… and we’re gonna get on with the show, right? Because it is a show, and there’s so much pressure on me. And don’t… just… Just don’t forget that tonight. Goodbye. No, okay! Ohh. Ahh. Come on! I have to leave? Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. I actually have to… I’m slashing material. That’s what I’m doing right now. It’s really hard. I’m slashing. I’m slashing the good stuff. I had this… I did have this incredible closer. It was like… Mmm! You know, it was like really creamy and like brought together all these different little… Little variations on the show. It was like all the different threads of the show into this one finely woven tapestry. “Here!” You know? But… time. I just can’t. Heh. Also, closers are gauche. I’m like, “Oh, oh, I’m real… Here’s my big closer.” You know, it’s like… uhh. You know, it’s cheap. It’s cheap! And I don’t want to belittle what we have with material. Like, blah! You know? Are we on a cruise? You know? Jesus. No, I’m… I am like… delaying leaving. There is something I, like, don’t… I’ve been, like, putting off saying. I’m just gonna, like, rip off the Band-Aid and say it. Um… mm! Why is this hard? Oh-kay. My name is not Kate Berlant. And I’m not a comedian. Um… my name is Megan “redacted for my privacy.” Um… but I’m actually the chief research analyst of Behavioral Science at Cornell University, and this has been incredible. I’ve been living as Kate for longer than I’d like to admit, studying the relationship between audience and performer. Things like that, but tonight, uh, it’s over. This was kind of my magnum opus, was to perform as her for an hour. I can’t believe so many people fell for it, but this is my night to sort of shed her, and it’s been… It’s been amazing, but I do want to go back to my roots, my real passion, which is irrigation. And… yeah, just rerouting water systems, the bureaucracy of water, stuff like that, I really want to get into. Uh, so, yeah, I’m gonna shed Kate tonight, and with that… Good night!
That’s not it, but can you imagine? No. Not gonna end on that, but, uh… But, yeah, okay. Ohh! The chili sale. The… Okay. I’m selling chili. Uh… I couldn’t send you home with nothing. There is a chili sale happening, um, out front. There are three crocks. They’re Mild, Medium, and “Oh No She Didn’t.” It’s kind of three different… And we encourage you to layer the chilis, right? Have fun with it. They’re 3.99, yeah, uh, a cup. And please, please buy it. Know that all the proceeds go. Um… So… so that’s great. Well, this has been explosive. Your words, not mine. But, um… yeah, it really is time. I have to say when I first got here tonight… I didn’t know what to expect. I was like, Will the spirit be with me, right? Will tonight be a night I just go home, open up the Uber app, and watch the cars go? You know, is that… See, right there I could’ve left. That would have been good. That would have been professional, in fact. Okay, should we do house lights up? I don’t know… Here’s what’s so crazy. Here’s… here’s my dirty secret. The show’s over. No, but it reall… It ended… Yeah, see… By the way, look how casual I am. Is this thing… No, you know. “Where wasn’t I?” That’s the name of the show. But… Yeah, that’s the kind of casual kind of… Oh, my water. Wait, there’s a camera here? Oh, no. Damn it. I wanted to do this, and that, and the other thing.
