Joe Mande’s Award-Winning Comedy Special (2017) – Full Transcript

Comedian Joe Mande performs an hour of stand up in the hope of winning the prestigious American Humour Award.

Awesome. How’s everyone doing? My name is Joe Mande. I’m a comedian, and in two weeks, I am shooting my first one-hour comedy special. It sounds stupid to some people, but I take comedy very seriously. We forgot Domino’s delivered pizza. That’s funny. It’s my life. I eat, breathe, shit and fuck comedy. That’s why this special is such a big deal for me. I have to get it just right, and I think if I can live up to my potential… I can win the American Humour Award. It’s the most prestigious award in comedy. All the legends of this industry have won it: Whoopi Goldberg, Seinfeld, Todd Barry. The list goes on on and on. And as you can see, I made some room right here on my bookshelf for the American Humour Award trophy. Kind of lonely there right now, but it’II look good.

Well, thanks for meeting me, guys. I thought, since we’re friends and you both have won the American Humour Award, I thought I could get a little quick advice from you. You think you can win an American Humour Award in your first special? – Um, yeah. – He has the personality, first of all. When he walks out, everybody’s gonna like him. The judges are gonna like him. You’re aware there are judges? But the judges… It’s not just about him and the material. It’s the set design, it’s his wardrobe. The intro is huge for the judges. You know the judges are gonna be there? I just need to know what I need to do to win. What’s the process? This is what the judges want out of an intro. For real. Smart, smart. Yeah. – You’re shooting in New York? – Correct. Black-and-white, slow-mo, shots of the city. You and the city and the people and the traffic and the… – Yeah. – All that shit, like hot dog carts. – Yeah. Taxis. – Horses. So really just emphasize that I’m in New York. – You’re Jewish, right? – I am Jewish, yeah. – Shit. – All right. – You need ten applause breaks. – At least ten. – And you cannot space them too close. – Ten applau… – Right. – Oh, my God. – And the most important thing. – The director. – The director. Okay. – Make sure you get a wonderful… the best you can get. Who do you know? Who are you using? I was thinking about getting my buddy Dan. – Who the fuck is Dan? – Your buddy Dan? He did a pilot last year. I heard it was good. – I don’t think so. – This is gonna sound mean. You’re nothing, you’re nobody, you’re kind of a piece of shit. – That seems mean. Yeah. – That’s mean. You’re gonna need to get a director that has a name. Okay, I need a famous director. – Yeah. -1964. I won. That’s the first time I won. I had a very famous director. Joel Schumacher. You might have heard of him. ‘Cause I had done Batman Forever with him. -1984, Kevin Costner directed it. – Damn. And 2004… McG? – Of course. – McG, yeah. – McG directed your special? – Legendary. Yeah. Tell you what, working with McG, man, he lets you do what you wanna do, has fun, and he just loves to laugh. – Can I get McG, you think? – You got all you need. You don’t need us. You’re gonna be fine, and if not, fucking who cares? Are you all right? I’ve never seen you miss like that before. I’m really distracted. I’m sorry. I’m shooting my special next week, and I still haven’t found a famous director. – Oh, man, that sucks. – Yeah. I’ve asked everyone. I’ve asked Ang Lee, Michael Bay. Even the Wachowskis to do, like, some crazy, like, futuristic trans thing. They’re not into it. How do you even, like, get in contact with those people? It’s real easy. You just write an e-mail to, like, That doesn’t seem like a very good system. Really? What’s your e-mail again? – – Exactly. It should work.

I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with these people. It just doesn’t seem that hard to direct a stand-up special. How I would do it, just two cameras, one close up, one head-to-toe. Put one on a jib, just let it rock and roll. – Sure. – You know? You don’t need a famous person to direct your special. Dude, you’re right. I don’t actually need a famous person to be there. Well, that’s not what I said. No, it’s exactly what you said, and it’s brilliant. I’m gonna say Roman Polanski directed my special. I don’t think that’s a good idea, man. It’s your idea, and I appreciate it. It’s a lie. – He could sue you. – Oh, my God, I wish he would sue me. Are you kidding? He’d have to come back to America. He’d get arrested. I’m a national hero. Please promise me, for my sake, please, don’t do this. Blake, look, man. You’re my best friend. – You know that. – That’s true. – I’m not gonna do it. – Thank you. – Probably will just make people upset. – Exac… Thank you. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you, um… Do you think maybe I could shoot a couple today? – What do you think we’re doing here? – You’re right. That was stupid. – Yeah. – Okay. Here you go. Wow. Still got it, man. I knew you had it. Can’t wait to see the special. Oh, I see him, I see him. Hi, Joe. Uh, your show starts in two minutes. Damn. Guess you could say it’s my time. ♪ I’m better than everybody I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody Shut up ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ Gills on my neck, bitch Call me Kevin Costner ♪ ♪ Mad ’cause I’m dead, ho Call me Laura Palmer ♪

Thank you. Thank you. Holy shit. Man, come on. New York, thank you. So cool. Unprompted. People stood up unprompted. Mark that down. Thanks for coming out. Holy shit. New York, how’s everyone doing? Good? So excited to be here. Um… So I, uh, look, I’m ethnically ambiguous. Whoo. No one could quite tell what I am. It’s interesting. And I grew… I’ve lived in big cities most of my life, and what I’ve learned is that, wherever I’m at, people just sort of assume I’m one of them. Does that make sense? I used to live in Brooklyn in a very, like, Puerto Rican neighborhood, and the whole time I lived there, everyone thought I was Puerto Rican. I have a pit bull, so that helped, you know. But if anyone was trying to get my attention on the street, they’d be like, “Hey, ¡papi! ¡Papi! ” And l’d turn around all confused like, “What? Me? You think I’m a papi? No, no, no. You’re mistaken. I’m the furthest thing from a papi.” Listen to how I say papi. Uh, about four years ago, I moved to Los Angeles. I moved to a neighborhood called Little Armenia. So everyone thinks I’m a little Armenian, which was… I don’t know, that’s fine. One of my best friend in Los Angeles is a black woman. Not to brag. We’ve been coworkers for years, and she just told me recently that for the first six months we worked together, she thought I was black. Do you understand? A black woman was like, “Yeah, I thought you were a light-skinned black guy.” And I looked at her, I was like, “Aisha, for real… that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” I’m a 33-year-old Jewish man. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life was a candid moment with a black person where they’re confused like, “What? You’re not… I thought you were black.” Like, confetti cannons went off behind me. Camp Lo “Luchini” started playing. It’s a black song. I got married about a year and a half ago to a human woman. Thank you. Did it. Did it. Um… The thing is, before we got married, my wife and I, we dated… “dated” for over ten years. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know. It’s too long. I was told that’s too long. I don’t know what my deal was. I was dragging my feet. I don’t really have an excuse other than I tend to overintellectualize things, and whenever she brought up marriage in conversation, I would sort of be like, “Well, why does the government have any say if we love each other?” I was, like, that asshole. But then I woke up one morning couple years ago, I looked at her, I was like, “I love this person. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I don’t want to risk losing her and go back to wearing a condom.” No. Absolutely no. So that was my proposal. She said yes. One of our favorite things to do when we first started dating years ago was that we would go home and watch dating shows. It was, like, our thing, and, uh, I think my favorite TV show of all time, I don’t know if anyone remembers it, was a dating show on MTV called Next. Yeah. Some Next – heads in the crowd. Not only, to me, is that the best TV show of all time, I think, for real, it was the peak of humanity. Like, you can’t tell me that things have gotten better since Next was canceled. It’s all gone, like, straight to the toilet. Next was the best. If you’re not famil… Next was a dating show on Music Television… and the way it worked was MTV would find, like, a young 19-year-old girl. She’d be like, “Hi, my name is Crystal. I’m 19 years old, and I’m looking for a husband.” And MTV would be like, “Crystal, great news. We found three guys. They’re perfect husband material. They’re all deejays from San Diego.” “And they’ve all been pounding flavored vodka in the back of this party bus all afternoon.” And the party bus would pull up, and the first deejay would come down the stairs and be like, “What up? I wear flip-flops.” And then Crystal and Deejay Flip-Flops, uh, they would go on a date, right? And a date on Next, it’d be, like, 3 p.m., Van Nuys, California. These two idiots would walk into a candy store. Right? And make, like, anal beads out of Skittles. You know, like a date. What usually happened is that Crystal and Deejay Flip-Flops, there’s no connection, she doesn’t like him, he’s using too many yellow Skittles. And at any point, she could stand up, get right into his face and go, “Next!” It’s fucking humiliating, right? This poor guy would have to get up, like, stoically walk back on the party bus and be like, “I got ‘nexted.’” Then the second deejay would jump up, go down the stairs and be like, “What up? I wear cargo shorts.” And then Crystal and Deejay Cargo Shorts would go on an entirely different date. It’d be, like, 4:30 p.m., Van Nuys, California. They’d go across the street to, like, a day spa and, like, wax each other’s pubic hair. A date. What made the show amazing though was sometimes Crystal would catch feelings for the deejay, and instead of yelling “Next” into his face, she would go like this, she’d be like, “Um, Deejay Cargo Shorts, I just feel like we have a really strong connection. So I’m gonna stop this date, and you have a decision to make. You can either leave right now with one dollar for every minute we’ve been together… So you can leave with, literally, $37.” “Or you can come home with me and go on a second date.” That’s when shit got good, ’cause suddenly the perspective of the whole show flips to Deejay Cargo Shorts’s perspective and his conundrum, like, “Shit, do I take $37… or try to get my dick wet?” Best show of all time. No question. Like I said, I was dating my wife… my now wife… I was dating her for over ten years. She didn’t know this, but the whole time we were dating, I was pretending in my head we were on just an endless episode of Next, right? And at any point, we were gonna be on a date, like somewhere fancy like Chipotle, right? And l’d just be like, “Kylie, look. I love the way you’re eating… that burrito bowl, so I’m gonna stop this date right now. You have a decision to make. You can either leave right now with one dollar for every minute we’ve been together… which at this point is, literally, five and a half million dollars.” “Or you can come home with me, watch me have nightly panic attacks.” Tough choice. My wife’s cool. She, uh… We live in LA, but she comes here to New York a lot for work, and, uh, couple years ago, she was here in New York working, and I was in Los Angeles waking up. I was home alone, I get out of bed, I look down, and I had the most powerful morning wood I’ve ever had in my life. It was crazy. You should have seen it. Out loud… I looked down… I was like, out loud, “What? Like, that’s as good as it gets. That’s my Helen Hunt.” And so… I’ve never done this, but I ran over, I grabbed my phone, I took a picture of it. I took a few pictures of it. Never done that. Never sent a dick pic. Never… You know, I don’t know the etiquette. And it’s crazy in retrospect. What I did is I closed my camera and then called my wife at work. It was, like, 1 p.m. New York time. She’s in her office, her phone rings, she picks it up, she’s like, “Hello?” And I’m in LA like, “What’s up? Uh, hey, so, big news. Uh… Look, I’m gonna send you a picture of my dick… my hard dick.” And there was this long pause, and she was like… “Don’t.” And I was like, “Right. Right.” So that… That’s just a little peek into our relationship. Married life. I was at a party not too long ago in Los Angeles, and, uh, this guy walked into the party who was a classmate of mine from high school. I hadn’t seen him in, like, ten years, so I got up. We started talking about high school, reconnecting, talking about, like, teachers and girls and stuff. And then out of nowhere, he switched the “convo” to dogs. He started talking about this dog he rescued, and I was fucking on board, right? ‘Cause I love dogs. I got a little overexcited, ’cause I was like, “Dude, what? I love dogs. I’ve got a dog. I got a big white dog. A beautiful big white dog.” He was like, “That’s dope. Can I see a photo?” And I was like, “Uh, yeah.” No duh, right? So I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Yep. And… I swipe it open. And, as most of you have already surmised, the last photo I had taken was of my hard dick. It was the same day. My Helen Hunt, right? This really happened. It was a fucking living nightmare. That was verbatim too. He’s like, “Can I see your big white dog?” I was like, “Uh, yeah, bruh.” And then I show him my dick. Then I completely panicked and started tapping on the screen to make it go away… forgetting that just makes things bigger, like more detailed. So then I jam the phone back in my pocket, I look at him, and my impulse in the moment, I was about to yell, at a party, I was about to yell, “No! That’s my dick!” Right? ‘Cause all I cared about in that moment was that I didn’t want him to think I had some other dude’s hard dick on my phone. Like when I opened it, it was my wallpaper. But then that seemed, like, unnecessary. So I was just standing there stammering. And then I could see from his eyes that he could tell I was spiraling, right? And it just shows you how cool this dude is. He completely took control of the situation, calmly put his hand on my shoulder, and he was like… “Cool dick, bro.” I was like, “Well, thank you.” You know? That’s all I’m looking for, really, is some validation for my cool dick. Do you guys watch Shark Tank? – Whoo! – That’s my crowd. Shark Tank’s the best show since Next. I’m obsessed with Shark… I watch so much Shark Tank that I don’t really think of myself as a comedian, ’cause in my heart I know I’m an undiscovered entrepreneur. You know? This is real. I came home from that party where I showed that guy my dick. Not a joke. I came up with a business idea. I was just like, “That was so shitty, but I can’t be the only person. This must be universal. How do I monetize this?” My dream is to go on Shark Tank. This is a real business idea. I’m looking for investors. I want to come out, “Hello, Sharks, my name is Joe Mande. I have a very exciting idea for a website and mobile app. It’s gonna change the world. Basically, the way it works is, uh, every adult in the United States, anyone over 18 years old, will have to legally… be forced to put a picture of their dick or tits uh, onto my website.” I mean, that’s basically it. That’s the elevator pitch. I don’t have all night to, like, tell you the details, but… I’m also not getting the response I’m looking for, so I’m gonna keep going. I will convince you this is a good idea, um… Essentially, I mean, we’re gonna have to get the government involved in some respect. I imagine it would be like going to the DMV. You go in, take your clothes off. It’s a full frontal naked photo of your body, and that’s put onto my website, right? What’s important to know is no one can see this photo. It’s password-protected, it’s encrypted, it’s un-hackable. No one can see the photo of your naked body, um, unless they pay 99 cents. Right? Someone pays 99 cents, types in your name. They can look at your naked body for, like, 20 minutes. All right, I’m still… Like I feel some tension. I… Here’s the thing. It’s not pornography. Okay? I get so… Every time I try to describe or explain this idea to my friends, they’re like, “You’re describing pornography.” And I go, “No, I’m not. It’s not pornography if everyone’s on it. This is a paradigm shift. I’m a visionary.” Okay? It’s not pornography. It’s a new world. You just need an example. Okay. I will win you over, I swear to God. – Like, sir, what’s your name? – Alexis. Alexis. What’s your last name? – Strong. – Strong? That is cool. Okay. Great name for this product. Okay, so Alexis Strong. So let’s say this website already exists, right? Everyone could go home after the show, type in “Alexis Strong,” pay 99 cents… look at your dick for 20 minutes… I mean, I haven’t even gotten to the exciting part yet, but, like, goddamn, that’s cool. All right. But, Alexis, say someone does that. Someone pays 99 cents to look at your dick. Get this. You get that money! – Whoo! – Yeah, that’s right. Don’t even patronize me. Fucking think about that for a minute. Think about a world where this exists. It would change everything. It would revitalize the economy. It would end obesity as we know it. And I’m not being facetious when I say this: It’s great for women. Great for women. It’s a feminist idea. – Whoo! – Every woman in the United States would make at least $20 a day. And that’s basement. It shoots up from there. But every woman in the United States has at least 20 creeps in her life that are like… “It’s only 99 cents.” And it’s not weird. It’s not porn. It’s great for women. It would equalize dating for women too. I think that’s important. Because I couldn’t imagine being a woman… I can’t imagine, like, you meet a nice guy, you go on a few dates with him, he seems cool, and you’re finally comfortable, be intimate. Meanwhile, you have no idea what his dick looks like? What? How is that fair? That’s what the app is for. You meet a guy. You’re like, “What’s your name? What’s your last name? How do you spell that?” You go to the bathroom, type his name, pay 99 cents. You’re like, “Yeah. I could suck that dick.” Or whatever. It’s like you know if he has a cool dick or not. I think that’s awesome. It’s great for women, great for gay dudes. Uh, it’s great for guys with big dicks. Everything’s great for us. For us. Uh… Yeah, that’s convincing. “For us.” It’s great for guys with tiny dicks. l’II explain. Uh, imagine you’re at work, right? Someone comes in your office, and they’re like, “Did you hear about Gary in Accounting?” You’re like, “No, what happened to Gary?” Coworker’s like, “Uh, Gary has a micro-penis.” You’d be like, “Shut the fuck up! Get in here!” Right? He walks in. Twelve more coworkers come in. You close the door to your office, you lock it. Everyone crowds around your computer. You type in Gary’s name. You pay 99 cents. Gary’s micro-penis pops up on the screen. Everyone’s cracking up. Gary gets that money. See? Yeah, fuck it. Think about Gary for a minute, how much better his life is. So it’s called “Dickstarter.” That’s the… It’s my dream to go on Shark Tank, prime-time TV, pitch that. All the Sharks are horrified. They’re like, “I’m out, I’m out, I’m out, I’m out.” That’s stupid though. I do have a real business idea. This one’s for real. I’m looking for investors. So I come out, be like, “Hello, Sharks, my name’s Joe Mande. I have a product that I know will change the world. Before I even get into it, uh, let me ask you, Sharks, what’s the best feeling in the world? Coming. Right, it is coming. And, uh, yeah. What’s the best form of coming? It has to be autoerotic asphyxiation, right? It has to be. Scientifically, it has to be. Why else would you put your life at risk to feel that rush if it wasn’t the best kind of rush? I wouldn’t know for sure. I’ve never done it. I’m way too big of a pussy to ever autoerotic asphyxiate myself. Until today.” And I take off my belt and go, “Sharks, I present the Air Belt. It’s a great… It’s gonna change life… Everyone’s gonna feel that rush. The way it works, it’s like any other belt, keeps your pants up. But when you feel the urge, man or woman, to jack off to the ultimate extreme, right? You put the belt around your neck, get it as tight as you can so now no oxygen flow can hit your brain. And then you just jack off as fast as you can. It’s a pretty simple two-step process.” I’m the only one onstage, so I have to do it. I put the belt around my neck, I’m, like, jacking off. Looking right at Mark Cuban, like, “Uh!” “Lori, lick your lips.” What makes this belt special is right here on the belt there is a heart monitor. Right? When the belt senses that your heart rate is down to a dangerously low level, it automatically loosens up so you don’t fucking die with a belt around your neck jacking off. The worst way to die. And I’m like handing out the belts to the Sharks. They’re all just like, “Oh, yeah, it works.” And I’m like, “So which one of you Sharks wants to join the Air Belt movement and come alive?” Banner falls down. “Come alive.” That’s pretty good. My parents saw me do stand-up recently. They were not into it. Not their cup of tea. My dad’s job when I was growing up, he was a juvenile prosecutor. I don’t know if you know what that means. He put kids in jail. That’s what my dad did when I was a kid. Needless to say, it wasn’t, like, the chillest vibe in the Mande household… growing up. My dad retired recently. That’s very weird. He’s become a totally different person. He’s, like, really softened. He’s become very sentimental. He’s, like, a total pussy and… I don’t know how to handle that energy at all. I was home for Thanksgiving a couple years ago, and we were watching football on TV. It’s just me and him in the living room. When the game ended, he turned the TV off and he looked at me, he went, “Uh, Joseph, have I ever told you about my happiest memory?” I was like, “Uh, no. No.” He goes, “I want to share this with you. I don’t know if you remember this. When you were nine years old, Joseph, your mother and I, we bought you a Sega Genesis for Hanukkah. Do you remember that? And you wanted that Sega so badly, you kept asking for it for months. And we told you you were never getting a Sega. That first night of Hanukkah, you opened up that gift, and I’ve never seen anything like it. You started jumping up and down and screaming. You kissed me on the cheek. And to know that I could bring another person that kind of joy”… He was getting all emotional. “If I could freeze my life at any moment, it would be right there when you opened that Sega.” And I was sitting there like, “Damn, Dad, thank you. Thank you so much for sharing that. That was beautiful.” But in my head, I was like, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” So, little backstory. Uh… Here’s what you need to know. When I was nine years old, I was a little piece of shit, and I knew where my parents hid presents, right? And so one day, my parents went to the grocery store. I saw them pull out of the driveway. And I locked the door, I ran into my dad’s closet… looked under this big pile of sweaters. There was a giant, wrapped rectangular present. And like a little spy, I got down and carefully opened up the Scotch tape and revealed the words “Sega Genesis.” And, obviously, out loud I was like, “Fucking finally!” “Goddamn it.” So I got back down and I started to close the present back up, and as I did, I tore the corner of the wrapping paper. It wasn’t severe, but, you know, maybe if you imagine that your dad worked closely with, I don’t know, like, forensic scientists, it was, like, super noticeable, and for the next six weeks, I can’t even convey to you the sheer terror I lived under that at any point, my dad was gonna get chilly, put on his sweater, see this tampered present… and then send me to jail. Like, the stakes were so high. It was like a true Hanukkah miracle. The first night, my parents put out all the presents for my sister and I. No one noticed the tear. We went over to the table, we started lighting candles, all that bullshit. And then, before anyone had a chance to look at the presents, I ran over, I tore it open, and just, like, wildly overcompensated. You know? Like a bad actor. I was like, “What? A Sega!” And I started, like, jumping up and down and screaming. I kissed my dad on the cheek. At one point, I did a cartwheel. That’s how crazy… In my head, I was, like… I knew it was effeminate, but I was like, “I gotta sell this! I gotta sell this! I gotta sell this!” I guess I sold it. It’s my dad’s happiest memory. Are there any Jews here, by the way? Any Jews? Nice. Round them up! JK. It’s funny now. That’s gonna be a real thing in, like, a year. There’s a weird thing about Jews in America. We all go to summer camp. All of us. I don’t know what that’s about. It’s like when you turn 11 or 12, your parents have a meeting, just the two of them in the living room, they’re like, “Well, our son is 11 now. So it’s probably time he got hand jobs in the woods? Right?” My mom’s like, “Yes, yes, yes.” Lotion-less. I didn’t want to go. I was not on board for this Jewish summer camp thing. Driving to Wisconsin… The whole drive to Wisconsin, I was in the back seat of our minivan yelling, “I don’t want to go! I don’t want to do this! I’m scared! I’ve never been away from home before!” My mom turned around and calmed me down. She’s like, “Joseph. It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna find God, and you have nothing to worry about. I wrote your name inside all your socks and underwear.” Right? As if that was what I was worried about. Like, “Oh, I didn’t know about this underwear thing. Fucking hit it. Let’s go.” First day of camp is weird. You get out of the minivan, and all you have in common with these people is that you’re Jewish, right? You’re meeting kids. You’re like, “Hey, I’m Joe. I’m Jewish.” And it’s like, “Hey, I’m Seth. I’m Jewish.” “All right. Guess we’re best friends.” And then this, uh, particular night of camp, uh, it was also Shabbat. I don’t know if you know Shabbat. Shabbat’s like the baller night in Judaism. You, like, eat bread. So we did that. We lit candles, we ate bread. I ate a lot of chicken. Like, too much chicken. And then right after Shabbat dinner, there was Israeli dancing. So I went, danced my Israeli ass off for a couple hours. Just let everything really churn, you know? And… then at 10 p.m., our counselor was like, “All right, kids, get to bed.” I got all cozy in my bunk. And I remember thinking, “Um, I think I’m gonna like it here.” Went to bed. Couple hours later, I woke up. I don’t know if this is a universal thing. Has anyone woken up in the middle of the night and known you had ten seconds… before you just shit all over yourself? You? Yeah. It’s a horrible feeling. I was jolted awake and felt this countdown in my head. Like, “Ten, nine, eight.” And I was in the top bunk, so I was going down the ladder. “Seven, six, five.” I put on my flip-flops. “Four.” Kick open the door to my cabin. “Three.” And at three, I just exploded. Like, full-on exploded. I know this is disgusting. I’m just going for accuracy. It was ten feet in front of me. You all would have been covered, like a Gallagher show. It was, like, ten feet in front of me, ten feet behind me. I got shit all over the grass, all over the steps of my cabin. l’d never been away from home before. I was standing there like, “Okay. What do you do now? Do you just wait for someone to find you? That seems foolish.” So what I did instead is I just ran into the woods, like, in the dark. I was running and getting hit in the face with tree branches and shit. I ran top speed for, like, three minutes until I got to this big structure at my camp that housed all the toilets and showers. It’s called Noah’s Ark. Run in Noah’s Ark. First thing, I threw away all my shit-covered clothes. Grabbed all this hand soap and then just took the most shameful shower of my life. Just, like, weeping. But I was still, like, violently ill. So then I would run from the shower to the toilet, like, shit my brains out, and then shower again, and just did that over and over again for hours, you know, like a living nightmare. And… it took so long that, like, the sun started to rise. After, like, my 12th shower, I was finally, like, empty and clean, right? But then that just meant I was just naked and wet and had to get back to my cabin somehow. And, I mean… I wish I had seen… I must have looked like the tiniest, most shy little Bigfoot. Like, running at dawn back though the woods. Like, hiding behind trees and, like, picking up leaves to cover myself. But no one saw me. I get back to my cabin. I jump over my own shit explosion. Crawl back into bed, cry myself to sleep. Like, an hour later, my bunkmate Seth wakes me up. He’s like, “Joe, wake up. Did you hear? Did you hear about the bear?” “What is it?” I go outside. Everyone else in my cabin is awake and standing in a semicircle around my crime scene. And Seth grabs me, and to this day, I’ve never seen anyone more excited about anything in my life. He grabbed me and he was like, “Dude, a bear shit on our cabin last night!” And I looked back at my cabinmates, all these little liars. They’re like, “I saw it. I saw it. I saw the bear.” I stood there for a minute and I realized, I was like, “Holy shit. My mom was right. God is real. God is real. God is good.” Yeah, like… But for, like… How else do you explain the night I just had? And here I am, mere hours later in the daylight, redeemed. All these idiots think a bear shit on our cabin. I remember my counselor standing off to the side trying to figure it out. He was like, “It must have been a tiny bear.” But look, we all find faith in different ways, right? And that’s my story, and that feeling of faith propelled me in my Jewish life for, like, another… 30 minutes, 35 minutes. So we went, we ate breakfast. And then, um, we were told to go brush our teeth. So we all went to the Noah’s Ark. Started brushing our teeth. And this kid Mike looked in the trash can, found a shit-covered pair of boxer shorts with my name written on the inside. Yeah. That happened. So ever since then I’ve sort of been like, “Well, fuck God. God can suck my dick. God’s a cock.” And, you know, now we’re here. Cool. Look, all that was bullshit, okay? This is… We’re getting to the part of the show that I… I only want to talk about this next thing. How exciting is that? Can you imagine that that was all bullshit? Look, don’t. All I want to talk about with any… I’m so happy I have a job where I have a microphone and can force people to listen to me. ‘Cause all I want to talk about is this one documentary I’ve become obsessed with. It’s an HBO doc called Thought Crimes: True Story of the Cannibal Cop. All right. Okay. Four people know what I’m talking about. It’s a real question if I even do stand-up anymore. Honestly, it feels like I just get onstage and recommend documentaries. But it’s a good one. It’s a really smart, nuanced look at the life of the Cannibal Cop. Cannibal Cop, this guy… I don’t know if you remember him. He was kind of a big figure in New York like ten years ago. Uh, a real tragic figure actually. Uh, here’s what you need to know about him. He was a cop. He was a NYPD officer. And two, uh, he was not a cannibal. Twist, right? Cannibal Cop never ate human flesh once ever in his whole life. And I don’t know if this is a hot take in terms of cannibalism, but to me, till you actually put a knife and fork into a human being and, like, eat their flesh, you’re just a dude. You’re just a dude. So Cannibal Cop, his name was Gilberto. Right? And Gilberto, uh… Look, before I can tell you about Gilberto, let’s just all admit right now we all have our things. Sexually, right? We all have our quirks. None of us are saints. We all end up with some weird shit. We’re all some freaks. So Gilberto’s thing was that he was sexually attracted to the notion of cannibalism. Whatever. Who cares? Truly, who cares? So Gilberto… I’m not saying Gilberto was smart. I mean, he was a NYPD officer, okay? Idiot. He’s a fucking idiot, and he came to work one day, he went into the precinct and used his police computer, and he logged on to a fetish cannibal message board post, right? Like a website where he and like-minded men could swap fantasy stories about, you know, eating human flesh and then jacking off. So Gilberto, he logs into his police computer and starts writing, like, this long, eloquent story about how he wants to kidnap his wife, drive her up to a cabin, throw her into an oven and, like, eat her titties or whatever. I’m not saying he’s cool, by the way. I don’t think that’s cool. I just think that doesn’t make you a cannibal. Just ’cause you’re horny and intellectually curious. That doesn’t make you a cannibal. So what happens next to Gilberto is fucking crazy. It’s a travesty of justice, right? He is fired from the police force. He is put under house arrest. He has to live with his mother. It sucks. It’s humiliating. His wife leaves him, obviously. It was like front-page news that he looks at her like a Slim Jim or whatever. And this is when shit gets crazy. He is then put on trial for attempted murder. And the evidence used against him is his fucking message board post. His literature. Some Minority Report shit, you know. You all should be as upset as I am now! I am fucking heated! I’ve seen this documentary seven times. I get so crazy upset. Every time it’s over, I’m just pacing around my house, yelling at my dogs. Just like, “Do you hear this? Gilberto, the Cannibal Cop”… First of all, to call him the Cannibal Cop is an insult to cannibals… who put the fucking work in. This guy never ate… He’s just an artist. He’s a poet. He’s a her… He’s a hero. He’s a hero of the First Amendment. I’m yelling that at my dog, “Gilberto’s my hero! The Cannibal Cop’s my hero.” Last time I watched this documentary, I was so worked up and stoned that I sat down at my desk at my computer and I started doing, like, pro bono legal advocacy work for the Cannibal Cop. I was like, “I’m going to save you, Gilberto.” I started researching. I didn’t go to law school. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Four hours go by, and I realize I’ve just stayed up all night reading fetish cannibal message board posts. No. You don’t want to be that guy. ‘Cause you watch the documentary, like, if we’re just basing stuff on web history, I’m just as much of a cannibal as the Cannibal Cop. And I’m not. I’m not a cannibal. Although I will admit, right, if you read enough fetish cannibal message board posts, like it does like get in your… I can’t stop thinking about cannibalism. I think about it all day long. It doesn’t make me horny. I don’t get that part of it. But like… Here’s the thing I can’t stop thinking about is, like, becoming a cannibal is like such a leap for a human being. When you’re like, “Fuck it. I’m a cannibal.” What’s that first day like? That’s all I think about. “What’s for breakfast?” I’m always asking my friends, “What’s the first thing you eat on a human body?” They’re always just like, “Well, I don’t know why we hang out with you. This isn’t fun for us.” But I’ve gotten a lot of answers. Some people have said “leg.” Other people have said “butt.” Lol. And it makes me so angry, ’cause it’s just so illogical. I’m like, “You’ve never eaten human flesh and you’re gonna chomp down on a leg?” Give me a fucking break. Use your head. You’re gonna start small and then work your way up to a leg. Like, that’s… I probably put too much thought into this. I think the right answer is… Adam’s apple. Don’t groan. There’s no right answer, all right? But hear me out. Got a lot going for it. Sounds like a food. Right? You’re halfway there. Small. It’s bite-sized. It’s like an amuse-bouche or whatever. You can pop it back. You don’t even have to chew it. And three, I feel if you prepared it right, which I would… slow-roasted, cinnamon, nutmeg, a little caramel sauce… like you could convince yourself it was… an apple. Like a tiny… All right. I’m being cute right now. We all know that’s not the right answer. It’s pussy. It is pussy. It had, like… I’ve eaten pussy my whole life. Not my whole… I wasn’t, like, four. I was… the correct age. Like… ten? Uh, no. I love eating pussy. Love it. It’s one of my favorite pastimes. My only complaint… It’s a misnomer. You don’t eat pussy. If anything, it’s like an Everlasting Gobstopper. You just like lick it and lick it and lick it and lick it. You don’t, like, get any. Fuck you. This is smart, what I’m talking about right now. This is smart. This is a thought experiment. I’m just asking, like, hypothetically. Think about it like this, all right? Imagine this. Imagine going your whole life just smelling coffee. It’s frustrating, right? That’s frustrating. Now imagine the act of smelling coffee for some reason is called “drinking coffee.” Right? At a certain point, you’re gonna be like, “Fuck this. I’m drinking some coffee.” Anyway, it’s a great documentary. You should… You should check it out. Thank you. It’s very cool you’re clapping for that. I don’t even know if I should do this next part. Uh… Do it! I will. I mean, it’s… It’s a facade. Obviously I’m gonna do it. No, but, okay, here’s the thing. l’II tell you the real… I could give a fuck about Gilberto. Fuck that dude. I don’t give a shit about that guy. l’II tell you the real reason why Thought Crimes: True Story of the Cannibal Cop fucks me up so hard every time I watch it. Before I even get into this next thing, I need everyone here to promise me right now that you’re gonna be fucking cool. Can we do that? Can we just be adults? All right? ‘Cause I tried to do this next thing in Seattle a few nights ago, and they were straight-up bitches about it, all right? And I expect more from New York. So let’s just be fucking cool. Can we do that, please, for me? All right. Thank you. I’m gonna trust you. All right. So I’ve seen every ISIS video. All of them. Seen every ISIS propaganda video, recruitment video, hostage video. I seek them out. I wouldn’t say I’m a fan. Right? I wouldn’t go that far. But what I will say, I work in the television industry. I work in Hollywood. And there’s an undeniable fact about these ISIS videos. They’re fucking well made. The production value on these ISIS videos is… All right, I feel super alone up here, uh, to be quite honest. It’s like, I’m the only one who watches a bunch of ISIS videos? That’s fine. I get it. No one watches these videos ’cause ISIS is scary. You can quote me on that. Hot take: ISIS is scary. No one watches these videos. I think there is a misconception in the United States that ISIS videos are like Al-Qaeda videos. No, how dare you. Like, for real. Al-Qaeda videos? You remember that shit? It was, like, 15 years ago. It was, like, Osama bin Laden in a cave with, like, a Dell laptop, external webcam. There was, like, no narrative. No, shit has changed. These ISIS dudes, they have every… They have, like, Final Cut Pro, After Effects, multi-language narration, the score is tight. I was watching this ISIS video the other night… and they had a drone. Right? Like a drone with a camera on it. And this drone was just flying over some shithole in Syria somewhere. Crisp HD footage, right? And at one point, the camera kind of tilted. There was a lens flare, and out loud I was like… “Who is the DP on this ISIS video?” That shit was stunning. And I know ISIS… I’m not trying to be glib about ISIS. I know ISIS is scary. You know what scares me about ISIS? This is the scariest thing. ISIS can just say you’re in ISIS. I mean, that shit is bone-chilling. Do you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause, like, I’m convinced there’s only, like, nine actual members of ISIS, and they’re all fucking, like, video editors, you know? ‘Cause what always happens? What’s always the case? It’s a young, ambitious, unaffiliated terrorist goes out, lone wolf, kills a bunch of people, kills himself. And then the next day, ISIS releases a statement. They’re like, “Um, yeah. That guy was in ISIS.” Send. The news is like, “He was in ISIS. Can you believe that?” He wasn’t in ISIS. But now he’s in ISIS. That’s, like, my deepest worry in life, is that, at some point, I’m gonna get arrested, probably for doing this joke, right? Cops are gonna raid my house, seize my computer, look through the search history. It’s, like, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, Cannibal Cop, pussy, ISIS, ISIS, you know. Nightmare. Cops throw me in jail. ISIS finds out about it. They release a statement the next day. They’re like, “Um, Joe Mande is the official comic of ISIS. We love that guy. Total ISIS. Signed, ISIS.” What do I do then? I can’t be in jail, “Fuck you, ISIS! I’m not in ISIS!” They’II just be like, “Actually, that is textbook ISIS humor. You are in ISIS.” Send. I’m saying I don’t want to get cannibal-copped by ISIS. That is my general fear in life. ‘Cause I’m not in ISIS. Although, let’s say I joined ISIS, right? I was thinking about this the other day. Let’s say I joined ISIS. I say with confidence, I think l’d be the best fucking thing to ever happened to ISIS. They’re crushing it, but what’s their biggest problem right now? No star power, right? None. Like, can anyone here name the leader of ISIS? Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. May the Prophet protect him. How crazy is that? He’s supposed to be the leader of the scariest terrorist group in the world, and no one here knows his name. How the fuck you gonna run a caliphate when no one knows your name, you unfamous bitch? That’s what I’m saying, when I… If and when I join ISIS, right… day one I’m bigger than Baghdadi. I’m way more famous than that dude. They have no one like me. I’m a successful American Jew. I’ve been on Modern Family. It’d be great for them. I could, like, run their Twitter for a day or whatever. It’d be, like, refreshing. Honestly. ‘Cause they’re not perfect. I’m not standing onstage saying ISIS is perfect. No, I got some constructive criticisms. Got some notes. First of all, that flag. What is that flag? Y’all seen that ISIS flag? What is that? It’s like Arabic Comic Sans. It’s like… You have the best video editors in the game, and look at your graphic design. That’s offensive to me. That’s offensive. And I’m not proposing, like, a new font. My question is, like, why do you all have words on your flag? Your whole MO is to recruit illiterates. Am I wrong? Get rid of the words. In fact, just take the pirate flag. That shit is public domain. I’ve been in the organization five minutes, dope new flag. Then we got to talk about these videos, like, you know. Let’s be honest. They’re too long. They’re repetitive. They are grim as fuck. That’s where I think l’d be helpful. Like, if you’ve seen one beheading, you’ve seen a million, right? So before the second one, I pop up, and then it’s, like, ISIS bloopers with Joe Mande. Like, show they have a sense of humor, bring some levity to the organization. I could be their Tosh. “Ta’esh”.0, whatever. I’m not… Fuck ISIS. Fuck ISIS, fuck Russia, fuck Trump. Like, when… Thank you. I’m just… I’m glad we’re getting this on film. Because I want it… I want it on record when World War III starts, I am Team China, China’s my squad. That’s my squad. I’m rollin’ hard with China. China, I love you. Uh, I just want to say to my Chinese fans… This is just for my Chinese fans. Don’t worry. That’s not for you. Thought I won you guys back. It was a real journey. How do you get out of an ISIS hole? You know, that’s a real… It’s a great question. Y’all smoke weed? Y’all smoke a little weed? Gotcha. Got ’em back. I got ’em back. Yes! Is weed legal in New York yet? How’s that working out for everyone? No? Uh… Okay, just so I get a sense of the crowd tonight, uh, clap if you support legalized marijuana. Just so I can… All right. That’s most of the room. Okay. Thank you. I think I’m against it. Right? I smoked weed for more than half my life. And I live in California. It’s legal there now. And, um, what I’ve learned is that the more marijuana becomes legal, the stronger it gets. To the point that in Los Angeles, weed is essentially a hard drug at this point. Like, I can’t smoke weed anymore. It’s heartbreaking for me. Like, now when I go to a party in LA and I share a joint with a friend, like, 30 seconds go by and I lose my fucking mind. Like it’s not even fun. Like I lose my mind. l’II look at my friend and be like, “Uh, yo. Yo, can I ask you something? Uh, does air go in your nose and out your mouth, or in your mouth and out your nose? I don’t remember how to do it.” “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I just won’t do either.” Sometimes I get so high that if I’m around too many people, l’II lock myself in a bathroom and interrogate myself in a mirror like a fucking murder detective on a TV show. Right? l’II, like, slam the door, lock it. Be like, “Joe, what the fuck, shit bird? Why the fuck do you feel so crazy? You came to the party normal, now you’re crazy. Why you feel so crazy, asshole?” And l’II be like, “Oh, I don’t know, man. Like, I came to the party, and then I was normal, and then we went outside, and then… Oh, I remember. Oh. Then we smoked cancer medicine.” That’s what it is. It’s medical marijuana. That’s its intent. Have you ever gotten so high that you’re, “You know what would be dope? If I was in a hospital bed right now… with cancer… instead of trying not to cry at an R. Kelly concert.” True story. But I don’t want you to think I hate weed. I love weed. I’m gonna get high in, like, five minutes. Here’s the thing. I’m not, like, smart. I haven’t done a lot with my life. But one thing I know for sure, if I have any wisdom, it’s this. One of the greatest joys in life is to get really high and go to a TV taping. It’s the best. I’ve done it so many times. I used to be an intern at the Maury Povich Show. I would just get blazed every day and go to tapings like, “Yes. Paternity tests.” No, I knew the answer already. The best. Here’s the thing. It’s always fun. You live in New York. Do it once. It’s great. It’s always fun. Unless it’s not. ‘Cause when it’s not fun, it’s really not fun. I had an experience about five years ago when I lived here in New York. My best friend Noah and I, we ate pot brownies, and then we went to a taping of the Fox News talk show Huckabee. Yeah. Hosted by former Arkansas governor, and probably, like, future ambassador to Chick-fil-A, Mike Huckabee. So I got the tickets through my spam folder, right? And I hit “print.” Noah came over to my apartment in Brooklyn. We both ate these pot brownies, uh, that I made. We waited an hour for them to kick in. And as we were leaving my apartment, Noah stopped me and he was like, “No, we can’t go. They’re gonna think we’re up to something.” And I knew what he meant. I was like, “Fuck, you’re right. What do we do?” He thought for a minute and he went… “It’II be okay. We just have to dress like Republicans.” Right? So we go back into my apartment, into my closet, we both put on suits and ties. That’s it. We took the train into Midtown Manhattan into Fox News headquarters… and we tried to blend in. We were, like, shaking people’s hands, just strangers, being like, “Excuse me, sir. Drill. Drill, baby, drill.” Just, like, so eager and weird. We got in line for the Huckabee taping, and it became very clear that we were… completely overdressed, right? Like no one had put as much thought into it as we did. Everyone there to see the Huckabee Show was like a slob in sweatpants. And then this one Asian family that saw a line and got into it. But I’m saying, by comparison, we looked fucking amazing. And as we’re walking into the studio, this production assistant sees us, “You guys in the suits, please, right here. Sit in the front row. Right here in the front row. Right there.” Me and Noah sit down, and we’re looking at all these cameras facing the audience. And we are fucked up. Like, not okay. Like, we were on edibles. No one’s ever done edibles, then afterwards was like, “You know what? That was really a good idea. That was fun the whole time, and I felt in control of myself and my surroundings. It was cool. It was cool the whole time.” Like, no. Like, we shouldn’t have been in public. We were fucked up. We’re grinding our teeth and sweating. We looked fucking crazy. And, uh, eventually Mike Huckabee’s house band started playing. He had a house band called The Little Rockers. Right? So Little Rockers start playing, like, “Mustang Sally” or some fucking bullshit. The curtains open, Mike Huckabee comes out. He waddles out right in front of us. And as he walks by, Noah and I lose our shit. We just lose it. We are hyperventilating we’re laughing so hard. We, like, can’t breathe. Like, snot rolling down our faces. ‘Cause we realized where we were, right? And it’s a talk show. So Mike Huckabee, he’s standing as close as I am to you guys, right? And he starts performing monologue jokes. Right? About, like, current events. And from his perspective, he is crushing, right? ‘Cause these two demon-eyed Republicans in the front row are just laughing at everything he’s saying, like, high-fiving each other. So then Mike Huckabee sits down at his desk, and he’s like, “Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special episode of Huckabee. I have a celebrity cohost. You may know her as Miss Las Vegas herself. Give it up for Rita Rudner!” The curtains open again. Rita Rudner comes, like, clip-clopping out in these high heels. She walks right in front of us. Um, I don’t know why this happens, but I burst into tears. I just… I’m completely overwhelmed. Don’t know what’s happening. So I’m crying. I look to my left. Noah is dry heaving, right? ‘Cause he… he got drunk too. Forgot to mention that. He got drunk as well as high. We are a mess. We sit there. The taping is four hours long, right? We’re there all fucking day. I’ve never been more bored and scared in my life. And about three hours into the taping, I’m sitting there, and I look over and I make eye contact with this cameraman. And this cameraman is just glaring at me. And I just got to keep looking at him. I don’t know what his fucking problem is. Eventually, he walks away from his fancy camera. He, uh, taps me on the shoulder. And he whispers in my ear. He goes, “Uh, you know I called the cops, right?” Yeah, and guess what. Didn’t handle that well. I did not handle that well at all. I was like, “No, sir. Please don’t call the cops. We don’t belong here. We know we don’t belong here. We’II leave on our own volition. Please. We’II leave on our own volition.” I kept saying “volition.” And the cameraman is, like, freaked out. He doesn’t know what I’m talking about. So he bends back down and he slowly repeats himself. He goes, “Uh, no. I said my camera’s coming through here. Just… I have to move my camera.” Right? I had a complete auditory hallucination. I tried to cover. I was like, “Yeah. Whatever. Don’t call the cops, man. Just do your job. Volition, you know.” But somehow we get out of there unscathed. Then Noah and I spend the next, like, three or four hours just, like, wandering around Manhattan trying to sober up. We get back to Brooklyn, we sit down on my couch, uh, we get high again. And I turn on my TV to Huckabee. I taped Huckabee. We wanted to watch the show we just watched. So Noah and I, we got high and we watched the full one-hour edited version of Huckabee, and to this day, I’ve never seen anything more fucked-up. Like I said, we were in the front row, all these cameras facing us. Yet whenever one of us was about to enter frame, it would, like, quick switch to a different camera angle. Like, for a full hour. It took an editor, like, a lot of work to splice us out. And when it ended, I looked at Noah and I was like, “Dude, you know what that means, right? Either we were so fucked-up-looking today that Fox News didn’t feel comfortable putting us on television… or we got so high this morning… we never even went to a Mike Huckabee taping.” New York, you guys have been great. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Live from Hollywood, it’s The 189th American Humour Awards, with your host Andy Richter. Thank you. Thank you. Hi, everyone. I’m Andy Richter. I’m so happy to be here hosting The American Humour Awards. All right, let’s get right to it. Our final and only category of the evening… The American Humour Award. The nominees are Nick Kroll: Krolling with the Punches. Kristen Schaal: Schaal Ready for This? Chelsea Peretti: Peretti or Not. Ron Funches: Ron Tell That. And Joe Mande: Joe Mande’s Award-Winning Comedy Special. And the American Humour Award goes to… Wait. Is it… Is this right? It’s a tie! A four-way tie between Nick Kroll, Chelsea Peretti, Ron Funches and Kristen Schaal! This is the first win and first nomination for Nick Kroll, Chelsea Peretti, Ron Funches… Almost all of you won! – That’s fantastic! – My Dad! Yes! – Congratulations! – Yes! – Oh. – Oh. Um, thank you. Uh, but seriously, we just want to thank all the managers and agents and lawyers who make this possible. And the fans. We’re so grateful for the laughter and the support. Love you. – Thank you so much. – We are the final four! They always say it’s a pleasure just to be nominated, but it is not! – Yes! – This is where it’s at! You know, no one likes to lose. Uh… I think it was… I think it was good for me. Honestly. I’ve learned a lot over the last few weeks since… since the show. And, um, I’ve learned that it really is the journey, not the destination. I don’t need a trophy to tell me whether or not I’m a good comedian. ‘Cause I know… Sorry. I should have put a sign on the door or something. This is really… It’s really unprofessional. Hello? Oh, hi. Cool. Thank you. Package. “Dear Joe, As I watched The American Humour Awards on TV the other night, I was shocked and saddened to see that you did not end up the chosen winner. In my humble opinion, you were robbed! You did everything right: the intro, the outfit, the applause breaks. Your special was perfect! It breaks my heart you did not go home with the trophy. So if it’s any consolation… I’ve decided to send you my American Humour Award from 1983. All the best. Your friend, Dr. Bill Cosby.” ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ Shut up I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ Gills on my neck, bitch Call me Kevin Costner ♪ ♪ Mad ’cause I’m dead, ho Call me Laura Palmer ♪ ♪ Young fuckbeast And I skeet all over everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪


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