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Jim Gaffigan: Dark Pale (2023) | Transcript

Comedian Jim Gaffigan's 10th stand-up comedy special.

[♪ theme music playing]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan!

[audience cheering]

Thank you! Thank you, Tampa! Thank you. Thank you, Tampa. America’s next great city!

[audience cheers]

All right. It is so great to be here. [scoffs] Who am I kidding? I don’t need this. Right? I… Let me take it off. Okay. Here we go.

[laughter]

[grunts]

[audience cheers]

All right, here it comes… I’m sure that’s why some of you are here.

[laughter]

Now, before you think I’m all paranoid, the only reason I’m wearing this is because I have COVID. [coughs] And by the end of the show, so will most of these people. [coughs] How many of you got COVID? Did you get COVID? -Did you get–?

[audience cheering]

That’s ’cause you’re filthy! And God doesn’t love you.

[laughter]

No, I got COVID. God, when was that? That was, uh, this afternoon.

[laughter]

But I prayed it away.

[laughter]

I do not have COVID. Actually, I was just tested. I took one of those online tests.

[laughter]

Sent ’em an empath, and I have monkey pox.

[laughter]

Monkeypox kind of sounds like a kid’s cereal. It’s like, “What’s the prize inside?” Sex with men.

[laughter]

What a weird couple of years we’ve had. My God! Lockdowns, mandates, variants. But it feels like we’ve finally gotten to the point where we don’t care.

[laughter]

Right? Remember what we used to care? [scattered applause] I mean, obviously, we care, but we used to be concerned. We were like, “Hundreds of people have died today,” and now we’re like, “Hundreds of people have died today. Let’s go to a comedy show.”

[laughter]

Right?

[cheers and applause]

For two years, for two years, the news was like the death lottery. We sat at home watching, like it was Powerball. Here’s tonight’s numbers. [high-pitched voice] “Honey, get out here. It’s about to reach two million! Honey?” [comical voice] “Some of his jokes were sad.” I’m sure you’re all vaccinated or gonna die.

[laughter]

We all know some anti-vaxxers, and some of us used to know an anti-vaxxer.

[laughter]

Strange how that’s funny, right? You’re like, “Ha ha, they died! Ha ha ha!” There was a shift in our empathy during the pandemic. I think it was those anti-vax preachers. Remember reading about them, you’re like, “‘Anti-vax preacher dies of COVID.’ Good.” I can say that ’cause I’m a Christian.

[laughter]

People make their own decisions. We had no control over it. My parents, my parents aren’t vaccinated. I mean, they’ve been dead for a couple decades, but… [laughter] Enough with the excuses, right? The pandemic did make me contemplate my mortality. I just know when I go, I want it over quick. Like if I’m in a plane crash, I want the plane to explode mid-air. I was reading about this one plane crash. This plane was flying at 30,000 feet, 30,000 feet, and then it started a nosedive. The plane nosedived for three minutes. Three minutes! Brutal! That’s a long time! You know, for the first minute, everyone on that plane was like, [screaming] But eventually…

[laughter]

…after like 60 seconds, they were like… [screaming, then slowing down]

[laughter]

“Does anyone have any water?

[laughter]

I didn’t really pace out my dying scream.” Three minutes. That’s a long time. You know someone on that plane rang the flight attendant button.

[laughter]

Ding! “Do you know how long till we crash?

[laughter]

Does this mean I can get a free drink? That’s long enough for passengers to get on each other’s nerves. “When you scream, can you not grab my armrest?” Look, I’ll kill you before we even crash.” Maybe the pilot came over the intercom. “Hey, everyone, it’s your captain here. “Just wanted to thank you for choosing to fly with us. Special shout out to our Silver Medallion members.

[laughter]

“You would have earned 2,000 miles on today’s flight, but it looks like we’re not going to quite reach 700.

[laughter]

Our flight attendant Betty has been with the airline for 31 years, and it appears today is her last day.

[laughter]

You can go ahead and take your phone off of airplane mode.

[laughter]

Heck, I’ve taken the plane off of airplane mode.

[laughter]

At this point, we’re just a metal box hurling towards the earth. We should have you back on the ground in about seven seconds.” Is that too dark? It’s gonna get worse. Right?

[cheers and applause]

‘Cause that was the lesson of the pandemic. It’s inevitable. Eventually we’re all gonna go. Don’t worry, not all my material’s this uplifting. But we’re all gonna go, and then our loved ones will do our funeral. That’s harsh, right? The people closest to the deceased are put in charge. It’s like, “We know you’re in a very vulnerable state, but time to host a party.”

[laughter]

They’re in shock. Everyone at a funeral’s in shock. If you’re not a little surprised at a funeral, you’re the murderer.

[laughter]

“It was so unexpected.” “Not for me.”

People are caught off guard at a funeral. But I want my funeral to be a total surprise. Like when I die, I don’t want anyone to be told. I just want evites to go out to friends. “Last-minute party. Come on over, big announcement.” And then when my friends arrive, “Jim’s dead.” [shudders] “Is there anything I can do?” “Come look at the body.” ‘Cause that’s essentially what happens at funerals. “Come look at the dead body.” “I’ll take your word for it. What is this, Weekend at Bernie’s?”

[laughter]

Have you been to an open-casket funeral? “His memory will live on… in my nightmares.”

[laughter]

At Catholic funerals, you’re supposed to kneel next to the casket and say a prayer. That prayer goes like this: “One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi…

[laughter]

It’s got to be long enough.”

[applause]

‘Cause the body looks weird in the casket. It does. They’re always overdressed. We put men in business suits. What, do they have an interview?

[laughter]

Dress for the afterlife you want. People usually say, “He looks like he’s resting.” “Or he passed out at an office Christmas party. Why is he wearing a tie?” If you want me to rest in peace, bury me in pajamas.

[laughter]

In preparation for the funeral, we put makeup on the dead body. “When did Grandpa start wearing eyeliner?” There’s special funeral makeup. You never see commercials for that makeup. “Maybe that corpse is still alive… or maybe it’s Maybelline.

[laughter]

For when you want to look drop-dead gorgeous.”

[laughter]

That’s someone’s job, to put makeup on a dead person’s face. That couldn’t have been the goal. Somehow the dream of “I want to work in fashion” became “I’ll put blush on the corpse.”

[laughter]

It is an art form. It’s impressive. I’m surprised there’s not a reality show. Pimp My Corpse.

[laughter]

I have my own idea for a reality show. I think it’s a winner. Let me pitch it to you. My show would open with two identical bodies lying next to each other. One of the bodies would be dead. The other, cake. Right? This show’s called Dead or Cake. And then a loved one would be given a cake knife. “Susie loved her grandma, but how well did she know her? Will she cut into the delicious red velvet cake, or her nana?

[laughter]

Let’s find out. Susie, You may cut the– Oh, Susie.”

[laughter]

This is usually the point when people ask, “Well, when’s he going to do the food jokes? I thought he was gonna–” “Dead or Cake is a food joke.”

Funerals are weird. Open casket, closed casket. I want to be sitting up in my casket. You know, just sitting there.

[laughter]

Eyes open. I’d like to be positioned near the doorway, so when people enter the room, they’re like, “What the hell?”

[laughter]

I’d rig it so occasionally my hand would go up. I’d definitely want there to be crumbs on my chest. “Did he eat recently?” I’d pre-record an announcement: “Thanks for coming to my funeral. Don’t be sad. I’m in a better place. Just kidding. I’m right here.”

[laughter]

And then I don’t know if this is in poor taste, but at that moment, I’d like my body to burst into flames. I want to be cremated, but at my funeral. You know, something for everyone, a little surf and turf. We’ve all been to funerals. We’ve all lost someone. Still had their number in our phone. You just can’t bring yourself to delete it, but they’re never gonna call. It would be weird if they did. “Grandma?” “Stop looking at that filth on the Internet.”

[laughter]

We lost my aunt several years ago, and eventually someone else was assigned her phone number, and we know that because my aunt was part of our family text chain. And at one point, a random guy chimed in, kind of annoyed, “Why am I part of this text chain?” So I responded the only way I could, I said, “‘Cause you’re my aunt and we love you.” And he was like, “Bro, I’m not your aunt.” And I was like, “You haven’t changed a bit.

[laughter]

What a character, right?” Each culture has their own ritual to deal with loss. I think the Mexicans do it best. They have Dia de Muertos, which means Day of the Dead. I bet you didn’t know I was bilingual. Day of the Dead is a celebration of the life of the person they lost. And they got this from the Aztecs. Supposedly, the Aztecs would go all in. Once a year, the Aztecs would visit the grave of a loved one, dig up the body, clean the bones, and then eat a meal with the skeleton. And I just feel like my mom wouldn’t want that.

[laughter]

Where are the local authorities? “What in the hell are you doing?” “Well, I was having dinner with my mom until you rudely interrupted.” Don’t worry, I can say that ’cause I’m Aztec.

[laughter]

The most famous Aztec, of course, is Montezuma. You may have heard of Montezuma’s revenge. If you’re in Mexico and you get diarrhea, that’s Montezuma’s revenge. Montezuma had the ability to give other people diarrhea. That was like his superpower. “You get diarrhea, you get diarrhea.” He was like the Oprah of diarrhea. “Everyone look under your seats! You’re all going home with diarrhea!”

[laughter]

What a bizarre power, to give someone diarrhea. I don’t know if he was part of the Marvel universe. “Montezuma, reporting for duty… and doody.”

[laughter]

You know, I’d always heard that the best revenge is a life well lived. But, I don’t know, giving your enemy diarrhea’s got to be up there. We all know someone we’d like to give diarrhea to. “Oh, Carol wants me to work this weekend? Well, looks like she’s not doing anything, either.

[laughter]

Thanks, Montezuma.” That was Montezuma’s revenge, which is not that harsh when you consider what it’s revenge for. Did Montezuma give a rousing speech? Was he like, “They may kill us all. They may wipe out our civilization, but we shall have our revenge.” And the Aztecs are like, “What is it? What is it?” “Diarrhea.” And the Aztecs are like, “It sounded like you said diarrhea.” “But here’s the kicker. They’d be on vacation.” And the Aztecs are like, “What’s a vacation?” It’s a unique form of revenge. You never see that in one of those Liam Neeson movies. [deep voice] “I have a very particular set of skills. And if anything should happen to my daughter, you will find yourself with IBS.

[laughter]

That stands for irritable bowel syndrome. It’s a fancy term for diarrhea.” Now, I know that’s a ridiculous amount of diarrhea jokes. But, I don’t know, I feel like I can say them ’cause I have diarrhea. I do. I always have diarrhea. I don’t mean to brag, but… I have ADHD: always does have diarrhea. Every day for me is Dia de Diarrhea. And I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Oh, Jim’s just saying that to impress the ladies.” And there might be a gal out there, “I want to hook up with the diarrhea comic.” Well, too bad, ’cause I’m taken. And I have diarrhea. Diarrhea comes from the Greek word “dia,” meaning God and “rhea”, meaning I have diarrhea. Now, I’m faced with the challenge of segueing back to normal material…

[laughter]

…after what can only be described as an explosion of diarrhea jokes. Starbucks? You ever go to Starbucks? It worked. It totally worked. Starbucks, of course, is a coffee shop. But much more than that, right? Starbucks is a whole experience, and that whole Starbucks experience makes me want to strangle people.

[laughter]

I’m convinced, humans, we can’t handle Starbucks. There’s too many options. Way too many options. In fast food places, there’s an efficiency. “I’ll have a number three.” And Starbucks, people sound like brats. They’re like, “Okay. Let’s see. What does baby feel like sipping on? I’ll have a venti half-caf caramel macchiato with no sugar, no dairy, and no coffee.”

[laughter]

Then the most amazing thing happens. Instead of the Starbucks cashier slapping this person, they just give a nod of, “As you wish.” It appears like people in Starbucks are trying to stump the barista. They’re like, “All right, let me have a chai tea with shot of pumpkin spice, half goat milk and half breast milk.”

[laughter]

“As you wish.” Your order in Starbucks is not complete until you provide a name. And they don’t really ask for it, they kind of demand it. They’re like, “I need a name for the order.” “Can I just have my coffee?” “I must have a name.” [sighs] “Satan.” “Excuse me?” “Tall black coffee. Satan.”

[laughter]

“As you wish.” The suffering doesn’t end there, though. After you order, then you have to wait in that pickup area. That’s like the methadone clinic of Starbucks. All the caffeine addicts are milling around… You’re forced to listen to Mannheim Steamroller.

[♪ scatting “Carol of the Bells”]

You just judge other people’s orders. “I have a hot chocolate for Dan.” “What a dork. Grow up, Dan!” And if Dan’s not right there, you’re like, “We should kill Dan.”

[laughter]

You just wait. You wait, as the people that ordered on the Starbucks app breeze in like they’re accepting an award.

[♪ scatting “Carol of the Bells”]

“See you losers later.”

[♪ scatting “Carol of the Bells”]

You just end up watching that barista slave away. You’ve never seen someone work that hard in your life, but you wish they’d pick up the pace a little.

[laughter]

“Come on!” You want your coffee, but more than anything, you need to get away from these people. Occasionally there’s that person that brings their own cup to Starbucks. “I have my own cup. I have my own cup.” “Yeah, so do we. They’re at home.” “Let me understand this. “You have your life together enough to bring your own cup, but you can’t make your own damn coffee?

[laughter]

No. No. You have to go.” That’s why I think there needs to be a button in Starbucks, a simple button, that when it’s pressed, two men dressed all in white would just appear and-and deal with the annoying person. They’re like, “Hey, I see you brought your own cup. Why don’t you come with us.” The person would be like, “I bought the cup here.” “That’s cute. We want to show you something.”

[laughter]

And they’d escort that person into a back room, and then you’d just hear faint screams. “Ow!”

[♪ scatting “Carol of the Bells”]

You stand there, you just stand. All the chairs are taken ’cause Starbucks is not only a coffee shop, it’s also an upscale unemployment office.

[laughter]

Filled with students, people on conference calls. There’s always that one guy that set up his office in Starbucks, “Can you move your fax machine?” It’s packed. It’s like the opposite of Dunkin’ Donuts. You walk in Dunkin’ Donuts, you feel like you’re entering an active crime scene.

[laughter]

Shelves are bare. There’s no employees around. “Are you guys even open? “Did I just break in? I don’t want to touch anything and leave my DNA.” So instead, I subject myself to the Starbucks experience, and after what feels like an eternity, they finally announce my order. “I have a tall black coffee for Satin.”

[laughter]

“It– it’s Satan.”

[laughter]

[♪ scatting “Carol of the Bells”]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

[applause]

I’m not good at waiting. I’m not good at waiting. Like lines. I don’t even like seeing other people stand in lines. Once I drop my kids off at school– I’ve done it once– and I was walking home, and I saw this line of 30 or 40 people at 8:00 a.m. in front of this building. There was no signage on the building, so I went up and I asked, I was like, “What’s this line for?” And this woman goes, “Oh, they released a new sneaker.” And I had to hold myself back from saying, “Oh, you should probably kill yourself.” I didn’t say that. I thought it. And I’m sure there’s probably a sneakerhead in the audience, and I want you to hear this. You should be embarrassed.

[laughter]

I know you think you look cool in your $600 Air Jordans, but all we see is someone that’s gonna need to borrow money. But I have friends like that. They spend all their money on sneakers. And I would never encourage someone to do drugs. But occasionally I’ll ask them, I’m like, “Have you tried drugs?

[laughter]

There’s never a line for drugs.” But we all encounter these mystery lines. One time I was driving to a show, and I started passing all these people sitting in their car, lined up, dozens and dozens of cars. When I finally got to the front, I realized it was a line for Chick-fil-A.

[laughter]

And understandably, my first thought was, “Oh, my God, Chick-fil-A released a new sneaker.”

[laughter]

Now, I like Chick-fil-A. I like Chick-fil-A, but this line was at least an hour, an hour-fifteen for drive-thru Chick-fil-A. And I’m no chef, but in that time, I’m pretty confident I could have deep fried a chicken… eaten it, and had diarrhea.

[laughter]

Oh, now you like the diarrhea jokes, huh? [chuckles] You appreciate the diarrhea callback, which makes sense, ’cause what is diarrhea but a callback to what you ate earlier?

[laughter]

“Oh, that’s right. The burger had jalapenos.”

[laughter]

“His entire show was death and diarrhea.”

[laughter]

It is great to be back in Tampa. Thank you for coming out. [cheers and applause] I, uh… I’ve performed here many times. Occasionally, I will perform in a city I’ve never been. I did a show in Rochester, Minnesota. I’d never been, so I asked my cab driver, I was like, “Is there anything I should know about Rochester?” And he said, “Oh, yeah. We got a really cool bell tower.” And I thought, “Oh, wow, so there’s nothing.”

[laughter]

But I tried to be polite. Heh. I was like, “Oh, bell tower. Interesting.” And he’s like, “Yeah, I could take you there,” and I was like, “Eh, it’s all right. I don’t want to overstimulate myself. Yeah, I-I just heard a bunch of bells in Starbucks, so I’m good.” Of course, there was a time when a bell tower was interesting, and not only that, there was a time when a bell, a bell was cutting-edge technology. From a historical standpoint, not that long ago. Not that long ago. Back in the day, if a person was walking to his town, someone might be like, “You’re going to this town? Well, get ready ’cause, believe it or not, this town has a bell.” And back then, that person might have been like, “A bell? What’s that?” And then someone would have to explain. They’d be like, “Well, it’s kind of hard to describe. It’s this metal thing, kind of shaped like a bell.

[laughter]

It rings, it’s magic.” There was a time when bells were new, which means there were people that were resistant, suspicious. “You know, I don’t trust that bell. When they ring it, I cover my ears. I don’t want the government harvesting my DNA. No, thank you.” They were probably people worried about the effects the bell would have on children. You know, “Kids are already distracted. Now they’re ringing that damn bell every hour. Soon, kids won’t even be able to read a sundial. Mark my words, kids have become addicted to these bells. We’ll have to limit their bell time.” I like how some of you are looking me, like, “Now he’s doing bell jokes? I didn’t know it would get this edgy.” The amazing thing is, you know, there’s one person in this audience that’s like, “I’m offended.

[laughter]

“I came to hear comedy, not some anti-bell tirade. My family’s been making bells for generations. Our business barely survives the pandemic, and then this fat ass starts badmouthing bells during peak bell season, I might add. But does he care? No, he doesn’t care. He’s just some balding idiot in his early 20s, yeah… trying to distract from the fact he’s offbeat, good-looking.” I’m sure that’s not what all of you think. There’s so many types of bells. Oh, you thought that was the end of the bell jokes. I decide for whom the bell tolls. You never thought you’d miss a diarrhea joke, did you? “Look, Daddy, teacher says, ‘Every time a bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea.'” [James Stewart voice] “Well, that’s right. Attaboy, Montezuma!”

[laughter]

Yes, that was a Jimmy Stewart bell joke… with a double callback to diarrhea and Montezuma. Very high degree of difficulty. And by the way, I didn’t even call back the… [♪ scatting “Carol of the Bells”] That would have been a triple callback, which is illegal in Florida.

[laughter]

But it’s all part of my upcoming one-man show, where I reimagine the movie It’s a Wonderful Life, where every character only discusses diarrhea. [James Stewart voice] “Well, wh-what do you want, Mary? You want– you want diarrhea? Well, just say the word, and I’ll throw a lasso around it, and I’d pull it down, and you’d swallow it, and the diarrhea would squirt out of your fingertips. But your– your diarrhea is not here. Your diarrhea’s in Joe’s house, which is next to yours. Don’t you understand here? Montezuma’s not buying. He’s selling.” [Clarence voice] “Strange, isn’t it? How one man’s diarrhea touches so many other lives. And when that diarrhea is not there, it leaves quite a hole.” Some of you are like, “How about less difficult jokes that are actually funny?” [chuckles] I, uh… I do hope everyone feels well. I did a show recently, and this guy in the front row became ill. Had to stop the show. They turned on the lights. Paramedics came in. He was fine. But you should know, my comedy can cause illness. They brought the guy to the hospital. I don’t know what he told the doctor. He was like, “Yeah, I was watching Jim Gaffigan do stand-up comedy, and I just started feeling nauseous.” The doctor’s like, “That’s not unusual. By chance, was he doing jokes about bells?” “He had a couple of bell jokes.” “So, too many bell jokes. Anything else?” “Uh, at one point, I saw this bright white light, but I think that was just Jim.” “I’m going to prescribe you some Taco Bell. I suggest you eat it on the toilet.”

[laughter]

It always goes back to diarrhea. The guy in the front row was fine. Be weird if I was like, “Yeah, he died.” He was fine. Same show. Half hour later, same show, someone in the audience went into labor during the show. I assume it was a woman. The mother was fine. The baby was fine. So, even if the guy in the front row had died, it would have been essentially a wash.

[laughter]

You know, you win some, you lose some. I mean, that’s comedy, right? Here’s something cute. Because the baby was delivered at my show, they decided to call him Fat Ass.

[laughter]

Which is not even true, but it still hurts my feelings. But what are the odds? What are the odds, two medical emergencies at the same show? And I think the weirdest coincidence, I made both stories up.

[laughter]

Right? I’m kidding. I’m kidding. The guy in the front row died.

[laughter]

He was killed by the baby.

[♪ scatting “Carol of the Bells”]

“I wasn’t sure if he was trying to make us laugh or just annoy us.” A little rainy out there, but it’s nice. That’s the temperature it’s supposed to be. Remember when weather wasn’t frightening? ‘Cause now, if it’s unseasonably warm or unseasonably cold, we all give each other look like, “This means we’re all gonna die. There’s a flood coming.” But admit it, when you left your house, you used to think, “Eh. Do I need a coat?” Now you’re like, “Should I buy a boat?”

[laughter]

I don’t know much about global warming, but I do know they stopped debating it. Five years ago, there was always a guy on TV, like, “There’s no proof the Earth is warming.” And now that same guys like, “Well, what’re ya gonna do?”

[laughter]

“Wait, what?” “The people who live on the coastline should sell their homes.” “To who?” “We’ll figure it out later on.” Something’s happening. In 20 years, what are we going to tell our children and grandchildren? ‘Cause they’re gonna ask us, they’re gonna come to us, they’re gonna be like, “Did you know about global warming? And we’re gonna be like, “I mean, I heard about it.”

[laughter]

I mean, it was more of a rumor back then, really. “Did you protest like that Greta lady?” “Well, heh, kinda. I mean, you know, there was a pandemic. We didn’t really do groups. I mean… I brought my own cup to Starbucks.”

[laughter]

There’s floods, there’s fires. There’s a pandemic. In biblical times, these would have been messages from God. Like, we don’t know, God might be up there right now, like… [God voice] “Are they getting any of these messages? Is anything getting through?” And God’s assistant’s like… [nasally voice] “Eh, no, sir.” [God voice] “Set the entire state of California on fire.

[laughter]

Did they get the message?” [nasally voice] “Uh, one woman is saying it’s space lasers, sir.” [God voice] “What about the pandemic? I sent a plague.” [nasally voice] “Uh, they’re blaming the guy who came up with Microsoft Word.”

[laughter]

“I miss the days when you could send a plague and people would listen.” ‘Cause that’s how God used to communicate He was unhappy. He’d send a plague. That was like His sad-face emoji.

[laughter]

God would send a plague, and humans would interpret it. “Like what?” “He either wants you to let the Hebrews go, or wow, he really wants us to eat these frogs. ‘Cause this is a lot of frogs.” I love how that was one of the plagues. Like God got His assistant and goes… [God voice] “Write down all these plagues.” And the assistant’s like, “Ah, yes, sir. Yes, sir.” “We’re gonna freak that pharaoh out. First we’re going to turn all the water into blood, water into blood.” And the assistant’s like, “Water into blood. Got it, sir.” [God voice] “All right, now we’re going to take it up a notch. Frogs.”

[laughter]

And the assistant’s like, “Uh, what about frogs, sir?” “That’s the second plague. You know how everyone’s frightened of frogs.” “Uh, they are, sir?” “Oh, yeah. I created frogs, and I’m terrified. I mean, what are frogs? Are they fish? Are they lizards?” “Uh, they’re amphibians, sir.” [God’s voice, mocking] “They’re amphibians, sir.

[laughter]

“Just write down the damn plagues. I don’t pay you for your commentary.” I like how there were ten plagues. Ten plagues. You know, like they were albums God released. Like a catalogue. Was there ever a retrospective where God was interviewed? He was like, “Ha ha ha, yes, my ten plagues, they… They they really were a reflection of where I was at the time. I knew I wanted to start with water into blood. I was going to do water into wine, but I thought I’d save that for myself. And then the frogs. Heh heh heh. I was in a crazy place.

[laughter]

I had just watched a bunch of Muppet movies.”

[laughter]

God’s communication, all over the place, right? He did the plagues. Then he talked to Moses as a burning bush. Then he sent angels… He was like, “Gabriel, get in here!” And Gabriel was like, “Ah, yes, sir? I have my horn. Do you want to hear a song?” God’s like, “I don’t know. Gabriel, I need you to go down to Earth and find Mary.” Gabriel was like, “Uh, do you have a last name, sir?” [God voice] “Mary. Uh, Mary… “It’s not Magdalene. It’s the other one. Oh, you’ll recognize her. She has a halo, and she stands like this.”

[laughter]

[Gabriel voice] “Uh. Okay, sir.” “Go down to Earth, find Mary, and tell her she’s gonna have my child.” [Gabriel voice, stammering] “E-e-excuse me, sir?” “Tell Mary she’s going to be my baby’s mama.”

[laughter]

“Sir, you… you want me to tell her?” “Well, I can’t do it. She’s only 14. It would be inappropriate.”

[laughter]

“Uh, anything else, sir?” “Yeah, when you’re down there, get me some hummus. Look out for frogs. They’re everywhere.” I’m Catholic. Catholics believe that God has sent Mary down to Earth numerous times. These are called Marian visitations. Mary usually comes down and talks to the least helpful person she can find.

[laughter]

Mary will be like, “You, French peasant girl, build me a church,” and the girl’s like, “I’m 12.” But my favorite Marian visitation is when Mary visited Mexico, she visited Juan Diego. Juan Diego was an Aztec convert who used to walk ten miles every day to church, ten miles. And one day, Juan Diego was walking to church, and Mary appeared, and she was like, “Juan Diego. Tell the bishop to build a church here,” and Juan Diego’s like, “I’ve been Catholic for a week.” And Mary’s like, “Just do it.” So Juan Diego walked all the way into town, all the way into town, all the way into town. And he found the bishop, and he’s like, “Bishop, Jesus’ mom told me to tell you to build a church closer to where I live.” And the bishop was like, “Do you have proof?” And Juan Diego was like, “Ah, she made it sound like you guys knew each other.”

[laughter]

And the next day, Juan Diego’s uncle, who he lived with, became ill. And he’s– the uncle sent him into town for help. And as Juan Diego was leaving, he remembered Mary, and he’s like, “I don’t want to run into her,” so we went a different way, thinking he could trick God’s mom. And Mary was like, “What the hell are you doing?” He said, “Ah! My uncle’s sick. “I’m going to get him help, and… and the bishop, he said he needs proof.” And Mary said, “I’ll deal with your uncle. Go into the mountains and pick these flowers and bring them to the bishop as proof,” and Juan Diego’s like, “I don’t think you know what proof is.”

[laughter]

But he went into the mountains, and he picked all these flowers, and he put ’em in his cape, and he walked all the way into town, and he found the bishop. And he said, “Bishop, Jesus’ mom told me to tell you to build a church closer to where I live.” And the bishop was like, “Do you have proof?” And Juan Diego was like, “I hope you like flowers.”

[laughter]

And he dropped his cape, and all these roses that were not in season fell to the ground. And on his cape was an image of Kanye West.

[laughter]

No, it was the Virgin Mary, you sinners. But as a result, the bishop built the church closer to where Juan Diego lived. All of Mexico became Catholic. And Juan Diego’s uncle invented the burrito. And if you don’t believe that, you’re going to hell.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I mention Mexico a bunch in this show, and not just ’cause I’m Mexican.

[laughter]

I’ve been lucky enough to go to Mexico a couple times. Last time I went to Mexico City, and when we were driving from the airport, we started passing all these billboards for hot-air balloon rides, hot-air balloon rides, and my daughters were so excited, they were like, “Oh, my God, hot-air balloon rides! Can we do that? Can we do that?” And my daughters are so sweet. And as any parent will tell you, the pandemic’s been especially hard on children, so I turned to them and I said, “No.” ‘Cause I was suspicious. I had only seen balloon rides in The Wizard of Oz or Viagra commercials.

[laughter]

But when I got to my hotel, the concierge gave me a number. So I called, they explained how much it would cost, that I’d have to sign a waiver, and that someone would pick us up at 5:00 a.m. And I was like, “In the morning? Uh, can we get a later flight? I mean, we just want to go in a balloon. We’re not looking to work out with Mark Wahlberg.” But it was obvious, 5:00 a.m. was the only option, the only option. So, then I had to go back to my daughters, who were on spring break, and explain that there were no spots available. No. So, the next morning, we were picked up at 5:00 a.m. in a filthy van, and we drove for two hours in the dark like we were participating in a hostage exchange. I looked at my sweet daughters, I’m like, “What am I doing?” What–? But I convinced myself, these people know what they’re doing. This is their business. They know what they’re doing. And when we finally got to the balloon site, I realized, oh, they don’t know what they’re doing.

[laughter]

Now, I’ve never assembled a hot-air balloon, and from what I observed, neither had any employee. Everyone was looking at each other, going like… Like, if you got on a plane, and you looked in the cockpit and the pilot was like… you’d be concerned! So I’m not embarrassed to admit this. I evaluated the situation. I thought, “You know, I’m here with my teenage daughters. I’m in a country where I don’t speak the language, and I don’t think these people know what they’re doing.” So I made the executive decision that my daughters and I would die in a balloon crash.

[laughter]

Mainly ’cause we had driven two hours. We’ve all done that. You’re like, “Well, we’re here.”

[laughter]

I assumed eventually there’d be a safety briefing. There’d have to be a safety briefing. There was never a safety briefing. We just stood there watching these people put together these balloons, and at one point, a guy standing next to one of the balloons pointed to me and my daughters and then pointed to the balloon. He didn’t say anything. He just pointed. So later on, if there was an investigation, he could say, “I didn’t tell them to get in the balloon. I was pointing to the people behind ’em.” And like the sheep we are, we just start walking towards the balloon. I remember thinking, “This doesn’t make sense,” but nothing about a hot-air balloon ride is logical. It’s just a dumb idea that was somehow pitched to a moron. You know, some idiot was like, “I think I’ve come up with a form of transportation which is slightly slower than walking.”

[laughter]

That should have been the end of it. But there was a moron there going, “Let’s do. What do you need? Let’s do it.” And the guy was like, “Well, all I would need is, a balloon the size of a building, an enormous Easter basket, and a blowtorch.” And the moron was like, “Let’s do it. Can the balloon look like we stole it from the gay pride parade?”

[laughter]

“I don’t see why not.” We eventually reached the basket of our balloon. By the way, it was a physical basket made of wicker. Wicker! You know, that stuff that can barely carry your laundry? It was supposed to cart my fat ass through the sky. Now the pointing guy was motioning for us to get in the basket. There was no ladder. My daughter’s got in fine. I kind of tried to climb in this gigantic Easter basket like I was shooting a scene from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. When I landed, I heard a crunch, and I looked up and I saw flames, and I was like, “Am I already dead?”

[laughter]

In our balloon basket was our balloon pilot. That feels like a generous title. Pilot? I’m not saying we should call them rope-pullers, but if there was an emergency, “Is anyone a pilot here?” “I’m a pilot.” “Oh, Thank God. We need someone to fly the plane.” “Well, I’m a balloon pilot. But don’t worry, just show me where the rope is.”

[laughter]

Our balloon pilot was arguing with someone on a walkie-talkie, and I don’t speak Spanish, but from what I pieced together, he was telling someone, “Don’t make me do this. I don’t want to die.” I don’t speak Spanish, so I just kept listening for the word “problemo.” Did he say problemo or poblano? Hopefully, he’s ordering a spicy lunch. Then this very official-looking woman came up and spoke the only English we heard all day. She looked right at me and she said, “When you land, you bounce.” And then she left.

[laughter]

I wasn’t sure if that was a prediction or directions, but… I was pretty confident that was the safety briefing. Then immediately we started floating, and I was overcome by this feeling of, “Let’s go back down. Why don’t we go back down?” ‘Cause not only were we floating, we were drifting. It was obvious the pilot’s not steering. He’s just adding hot air so we can float. He’s like… [making whooshing noise] The loudest, most obnox… [making whooshing noise] Luckily, our pilot would only do it when I was talking. I’m like, “Girls, be care–” [makes whooshing sound] During the entire trip, I was like… [makes whooshing sound] And I thought the only thing worse than hearing… [whoosh] during a balloon trip would be not hearing it. I spent most of the trip looking down, wondering where we’re gonna land, only seeing places I didn’t want to land. A busy highway, field of cactus, pack of wild dogs. We eventually landed in an empty soccer field. We sat there for like ten minutes, and then this guy in this tiny car drove up, beeped his horn. We got in. He drove away. Then I was like, “I don’t even know if he’s with the balloon company.”

[laughter]

There was a solid minute when I was like, [scoffs] “I just volunteered to be kidnapped.”

[laughter]

I felt guilty ’cause I had hurried my daughters. I was, “Come on, let’s– Don’t leave the kidnapper waiting!”

[laughter] Just imagine how I’d have to explain it to my wife. She’s like, “How’d he force you in the car?” “Well, we just got in the car.”

[laughter]

“Did– Did he have a weapon?” “Yeah. He had a horn.”

[laughter]

But he drove us back to the balloon site. We got back in our filthy van. We drove two hours back to our hotel. It was the most expensive, inefficient trip I’ve ever taken my life. But my daughters loved it, so I would do it all again.

[rising applause]

I’m kidding. I’d never do it again.

[laughter]

I do try to travel with my kids whenever I can. I have five children, so it’s not easy. But because of stand-up comedy, I’ve been able to take my kids amazing places, amazing places. And during each of these trips, there’s always a moment when I look at my kids and I have the same thought, “I could just leave ’em here.”

[laughter]

‘Cause it’s too hard! It’s way too hard to travel with kids. That’s why every dad on vacation looks like he lost a bet. [laughter] You ever see a Dad on vacation? They’re so confused. They’re always like… [laughter] Wait, is this my vacation? [laughter] But… But– But I’m not having any fun. [laughter] Occasionally, you’ll catch a dad on vacation mumbling to himself. He’s just calculating expenses. Six hundred times seven… Could have bought a boat.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Moms on vacation are usually happy, mainly ’cause they know the dad is suffering. And that’s why some marriages work. Of course, we travel with our children ’cause they’re our children. There’s no other reason to travel with a child. [deep voice] “You know what would make this road trip epic? A 4-year-old.

[laughter]

Me, you, Fat Tony and an un-potty-trained 4-year-old. It’s going to be insane. Let’s do it!” [laughs] [normal voice] That was almost frightening. Sometimes when people find out I have five kids, they think I’m good at parenting, which is kind of like assuming people with lots of cats are not crazy.

[laughter]

I have no idea what I’m doing, and there’s no learning curve. It’s not like what you learn from one child you can apply to another one, ’cause kids are annoying. They’re like individual humans. With their own interests. I encounter this constantly. I’m like, “All right, you wanna play basketball? You want to do parkour, and you want to do karate? Well, you’re all doing basketball.

[laughter]

‘Cause this guy’s only making one trip. And if you don’t like it, you can blame your brother, whatever his name is.”

[laughter]

I do try. I try to be a good dad. My wife and I, we try to be good parents. We try so hard. Not that you’d be able to tell. Like if you met one of my sons, you might think, “Oh, wow, Jim decided not to parent this one. What, did he feed him in a cage?” We try– we try to get our sons to sit at a dinner table like humans. It’s not in their nature. Eventually, all parents ask themselves like, “Am I having any impact at all? Is it nature or nurture?” You know– You know, the parents of NBA players are probably pretty confident. “It was mostly us.” But, you know, the Dahmers were like, “We had nothing to do with this.”

[laughter]

Now, if you have young children, you might think I’m being negative, but if you have teenagers, you’re like, “Jim’s being nice.”

[laughter]

‘Cause it’s a different experience! Like by round of applause, who only has children under the age of 5, just under the age of 5?

[light applause]

Okay. You know nothing!

[laughter]

You live in a fantasy. You’re probably not even fat or an alcoholic yet.

[laughter]

I know your life is hard, but it’s gonna get so much worse.

[cheers and applause]

Enjoy this brief period when your children still like you. Parenting is hard the entire time. The task changes, though. When you have a baby, you’re like, “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I would do anything for this baby.” And when you have a teenager, you’re like, “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I don’t want to go to jail for murder.”

[laughter]

Your experience may differ. Our real issue, the issue we face is, we have too many kids. We have too many kids, but if I did anything about it now, people would get so upset.

[laughter]

“How old is the fetus?” “Seventeen years.” Five kids is a lot! It’s a lot. And my wife works so hard. She works so hard and I try to travel as much as I can.

[laughter]

There’s always help. We always have a babysitter or a helper, and these people have incredible backstories. Often they’ve escaped from countries with oppressive regimes and… they’re always sending money back to help a relative. And after they’ve worked for us for a month, they always come up and say the same thing. “I quit.” I’m like, “Do you need more money?” And they’re like, “I’m going back to North Korea. That place is like a vacation compared to being around your family.” Five kids is a lot! My parents had six kids, but it was easier back then ’cause they didn’t care.

[laughter]

Six wasn’t even that big. We lived across from a family that had 13 kids. Thirteen! You never even saw the mother. Occasionally, there’d be a shadow in a window. She was like Boo Radley. We weren’t sure if she even existed. Eventually, I met the mother of 13, and she was a sweet woman who obviously hadn’t slept in 40 years. But she looked like a mom. ‘Cause moms used to look like moms. Now moms look like yoga teachers. Moms look like yoga teachers and dad’s look like yoga teacher stalkers.

[laughter]

When a dad can’t find a mom, he definitely sounds like a stalker. He’s like, “Where the hell is she? I’m gonna kill that woman.” “Can I help you, sir?” [scoffs] “It’s my wife. I’m gonna kill her.” But no matter what a parent looks like, there’s an unseen mental tax that’s been paid. You know, like they did a study. All those people that stormed the capital on January 6th, you know what they all had in common? A teenager at home.

[laughter]

“Jim, that’s cheap. But I’ll take it.” I’m tired. I’m always tired. I know I come across as high energy. I’m always tired, and I’m married to a woman who never sleeps. I don’t know if anyone’s with a non-sleeper, but if you attempt to get rest with a non-sleeper, you appear selfish. Every night my wife’s like, “Oh, you’re going to bed?” “It’s 3:00 a.m.” “Oh, I thought you loved me.” “I do. Is there something you need to tell me?” “I’m tired!” I’m always tired. People think I’m hungover. They’re like, “You tie one on last night?” “No, this is just my body trying to stay alive.” I’ve become one of those guys, when I’m sitting in a chair, and I go to get out of the chair, people around me are like, “I don’t think he’s gonna be able to do it. It’s 50/50.” I have to make a plan. “Throw your head forward, wish for the best.” It affects what I wear. I see people in lace-up boots and I’m like, “Never! How much free time do you have? What, do you have your own butler?” Eventually, my wife was like, “We should find out why you’re so tired,” and I’m like, “I think it’s you.” So she had me call our doctor, who’s really our pediatrician. And she’s a great doctor. She gave me this at-home sleep study. So I slept one night with a mask on, and I dropped it off at her office, and she called a couple weeks later. And she was like, “Jim, we should talk through these results.” I’m like, “Sure.” She goes, “Well, first of all, you have to understand, millions of people suffer from sleep apnea, but you’re just a lazy sack.”

[laughter]

What a relief. There’s nothing wrong with me. My body’s just a lemon. My fantasy is that when I die after I die, they’ll discover that I had Lyme disease the entire time. Like the medical community will gather around, and be like, “He’s the most productive Lyme diseaser ever.” Everyone loves a quality Lyme disease joke. I think it’s interesting how things that shouldn’t be funny end up being funny. Like, my wife has a slight swallowing disorder. Doesn’t sound like it’ll be funny. And judging from some of your faces, “Don’t go there, Jim.”

[laughter]

It’s just a slight swallowing disorder, and she has it ’cause she had a brain tumor. You guys are like, “Red flag number two.”

[laughter]

It’s just a slight– just when she eats like bread or pizza, it sounds like she’s choking, but she’s not. That’s just how she gets it down. It’s not a big deal. It’s something we’ve gotten used to. I try not to draw attention to it. I mean, I am bringing it up in my show. It’s not a big deal, until we go out to eat, and then I look like the worst human on earth. ‘Cause my wife’s like… [making gagging sound] And I’m like, “This is good soup, huh?” [vocalizing eating] The waiters like, “Is she all right?” “I’m surprised, she had a brain tumor.”

[laughter]

[vocalizing eating] Probably looks like I’m trying to kill her. I’m like, “You got and other stuff she could choke on? I just bought her some of that life insurance stuff.” Recently, my nine-year-old came up and asked me, he goes, “Hey, Dad, what is white trash?” And I was like, “Well, what do you want to know?” And he goes, “Well, Mom said your family’s white trash.”

[laughter]

“Well, she’s not lying.” But he really, he really wanted to know. He’s like, “What is white trash? What is it?” And I was like, “Well, it’s a problematic term, “but essentially, it means you have relatives that call cheddar cheese fancy cheese.”

[laughter]

“Oh, someone wants fancy cheese on their burger. “Coming right up, Your Highness.

[laughter]

It looks like we got an imported beer drinker amongst us.” You ever have a moment where you feel like you’re high class, like you hang around fancy people and you’re like, “I got a couple of things in common with these people.” And then you hang around trashy people and you’re like, “I got a lot in common with these people.”

[laughter]

I didn’t grow up dirt poor or anything, but when I was 9 years old, I did collect beer cans. That’s what I did for fun when I was nine. You know, 9-year-olds today will play on an iPad for hours. I did that, but with garbage.

[laughter]

And I would find these beer cans walking home from school, which tells you how nice the town was. And I didn’t bring ’em to a recycling center. I put him on a shelf in my bedroom like trophies. And I had parents, too. I don’t know what they were thinking. “Oh, God, he’s bringing strangers’ empties in the house.” “He’ll be fine.” I forgot about that beer can collection. I was thinking, if I had it today, do you know how much it’d be worth? Nothing. Because it was garbage collected by a child. I wasn’t a bright kid. I remember in fifth grade, I had a teacher who left halfway through the year, and she was amazing. So I wrote her a thank-you note, and I showed my mom and my mom started laughing. ‘Cause I didn’t end the letter with “thank you” or “sincerely.” I just put “Good riddance.”

[laughter]

But I thought that was a positive thing. Like I was being Shakespearean or something. “Good riddance, my lady. Don’t let the door hitteth your ass on the way outeth.” It’s not like I’ve gotten any smarter. You ever hear someone use a word, and you don’t know the meaning of the word, but instead of looking the word up, you just start using the word yourself? I do that all the time. “Yeah, the traffic out there is like a cudgel.” My wife’s always there like, “Is that the meaning of cudgel?” “It is now.” Of course, if we were in a group, my wife wouldn’t say anything, right, ’cause when you’re in a relationship, there’s an unspoken agreement. When your significant other starts talking out their ass in public, you just go along. Everyone in a relationship has heard their partner say something in public, and they thought, “Well, that never happened.”

[laughter]

But you know what’s more important than the truth? Not being in an argument. Rest in peace, truth.

[cheers and applause]

I grew up in northwest Indiana, which is part of the Rust Belt. If you’re unfamiliar, Rust Belt, Rust Belt is a cute, catchy term to describe an area of economic devastation. Rust Belt. I remember the first time I brought my wife home. She looked around, and she was like, “My God, what happened here?” And I was like, “They fixed it up.

[laughter]

“Used to be beer cans everywhere. I heard we’re getting a bell tower.”

[laughter]

There were some nice parts, but we’ve all been to cities and towns like that, where every building looks like it was designed by Stalin. You kind of want to go up to the town leaders and go, “Hey, before you kick all the gay people out, “let them fix things up a little bit. They tend to have some creative ideas.” I feel like I grew up in a place unlike anywhere. Like, the first time I went fishing was in the community swimming pool. Every September, they would fill the public pool with fish, and then kids from the town would try and catch the fish before the chlorine killed the fish.

[laughter]

I’ve been telling this to people my entire adult life, expecting someone to be like, “Yeah, we did that too.” Not a soul.

[laughter]

[chuckles] It’s like a prank was played on me. Just bought a new cell phone, just bought a new cell phone, which means the new version should be released very shortly. I never time it right. Whenever I buy a phone, the next week, people are like, “Oh, yeah, they released a new version. The one you bought is now free.”

[laughter]

And these phones are not cheap. We’ve become numb to the price of these cell phones. “Wow, that’s how much I spent on my engagement ring. Well, then again, I don’t look at that on the toilet, do I?” We’re such suckers! They overcharge us for the phone, and then they upsell us on all the accessories, like, “That new phone you just bought, you got a case for it?” “It– It doesn’t come with a case.” “I’ve got one right here, five thousand dollars.

[laughter]

You got insurance?” “For a phone?” “Oh, you need insurance. God forbid something happens to your pretty new phone.” “What would happen?” “I’d smack it out of your hands.” There’s pressure to get a new phone, right? There’s that manufactured old phone shame. We’ve all been there. You know, like, “I got the iPhone 7.” “What a loser. “Where’d you get that, the Smithsonian? Does the camera on that phone use film?” And that’s the only thing they improve on the phone is the camera, right? And then they try and convince us we need the new phone. They’re like, “Oh, this new phone’s unbelievable. “It’s got four lines. There’s five million megapixels. You can shoot a feature film.” “Uh, I just need to text my wife.”

[laughter]

“You should do a movie about that.” The cameras on our phones are so advanced, it’s gotten to the point where when you see someone with a regular camera, just a camera, they look so out of place. You’re like, “Is that– Is that guy part of a Civil War reenactment?” The value of a photo is, has changed, too. I get emails from my kids’ schools. They’re like, “Would you like to order your child’s school portrait?” I’m like, delete.

[laughter]

The last thing any parent needs is more photos of their children. School should just offer, “Hey, we’ll come over and delete half your photos.” I’d pay for that. ‘Cause that’s what we use our phones for. For photos, emails, directions… Anything but talking. When my phone rings, I’m like, “Wow, that’s obviously not for me.”

[laughter]

I don’t talk on my phone. Growing up, there was a commercial where people would just call and say, “I love you.” Can you imagine if that happened today? “I just wanted to call and say I love you.” “What, are you suicidal?

[laughter]

“Don’t call me and say weird crap like that. Text me and ask if I can chat.” But the worst are the people that try to Facetime you out of the blue. You feel like they’re breaking in your house. [screams] “What do I do? I haven’t showered yet.”

[laughter]

All right, you guys have been a delight. Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much. I really had a great time. Thank you so much.

[♪ “Carol of the Bells” plays over speakers]

[cheers and applause continue]

[♪ “Carol of the Bells” continues]

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