[“Fade Away” by Susanne Sundfør playing]
[announcer] Now, without further ado, please welcome to the stage, Jenny Slate!
[audience cheering]
Hi!
[audience cheering]
[music fades and ends]
Hi. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Wowee, good evening, everyone.
[audience cheering]
It is cool to be here. [laughs] I did my dressage, so now I feel good. Hi, everyone. How are you feeling?
[audience cheering]
That sounds awesome. I am just jacked up on the vibes of this spooky theater.
[audience laughing]
Ah, to perform in a ruin, I mean, whoo.
On a slice of eternity… [grunts]
[audience laughing]
Honestly, thank you. Yeah. Um, this theater reminds me of what I think that the play The Phantom of the Opera is about.
[audience laughing]
Obviously, I’m too afraid to see that play ’cause they made the title too scary.
[audience laughing]
And also, not to, like, be like this right away, but, like, I don’t wanna see a play. [audience laughing and applauding] Are you fucking kidding me? Like… [groans] I honestly, like, don’t get it. Like, I just, I’m just, like, I’m not sure I understand you. Like, okay, so what is it? It’s like the curtain comes up and then like…
[audience laughing]
…a person comes out. And they’re like a person and you can see them and they’re like clip-clomp-clomp. They’re like… [panting] “Mamma!” [audience laughing] You’re like, “I know you’re you.” [audience laughing] “I know your name is, like, Kaitlyn, I saw the playbill. What is this?” I don’t get it. Um… You’re like, “Ah, that sounds like the complaint of an actress who was not asked to be in a play.”
[audience laughing]
Um… I am here tonight because a hypnotist told me that I’m a seasoned professional and I believe it now deep in my psyche.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you so much. I do believe it. I put in the hours. But, um, I am here, I do this because I just wanna, like, share as much as possible, like as much as you can share without going to jail. Um, that’s my limit. And so, um, I would just like to, like, start off by being very intimate and say hello, my name is Jenny Slate. And I am addicted to microphones. [audience laughing] I don’t wanna, like, bum us all out, um, by talking about the pandemic right away, but I think, like, our community needs this conversation, which is, like, I think this was the hardest thing for all of us, um, during lockdown, which was that, like, we couldn’t get on the mic every day. [audience laughing] You know, like, I think that was, like, very difficult to not be able to just, like, immediately process your psyche to like 300 to 1,200 people. I did get to use a microphone during the pandemic, um, but it was, um, it was during my wedding. ‘Cause both of us have Boomer dads with hearing aids. [audience laughing] And they’re constantly walking into the ocean with them on, being like, “Goddammit!” [audience laughing] My mom’s, like, calling me up. She’s like, “Your dad walked into the JCC pool with his hearing aid again.” [audience laughing] [groans] Snooze. Call a different daughter. [audience laughing] Fuck you, Nancy, you gave me everything! My mom’s really nice. Um… She really let me use her MasterCard for a long time and I’ve never paid her back. Um…
[audience laughing]
You idiot! Uh… [giggles] And, uh, clock this as the time when my mom turns this comedy special off. She’s like, “I’m turning in, Ron.” Um… Yeah, I had a mic during our wedding ’cause we wanted our dads to hear our vows. Um, even though they were five feet away. And, um… I swear, like, I got that mic in my little paw… It was like, okay, like, I truly, like, I was like, everything inside of me had to stop myself from just being like, “What’s the deal with going to the dentist? Help me figure this out.” You know, it was like, chill. Just walk down the isle, and tell the best person you’ve ever met that you hope they’ll fucking marry you right now. Just stop being weird. Like, this is my rule, like, when you’re getting married, or when you’re in therapy, it’s just, like, be real. [audience laughing] Don’t just, like, try to make them laugh so that they’ll never leave. [high-pitched laugh] [audience laughing] [high-pitched] You hearing me? [audience laughing] Oh, um, okay, and then the other thing that I think I should say, just so that, like, I set the scene and you know who you’re dealing with tonight in terms of where my identity is, um… I’m trying to make an effort to say the word, um, “breasts” more, like… [audience laughing] Not just like “breasts,” like randomly, but, like, um…
[audience laughing]
But, yeah, I started saying “breasts,” um, because, like, have you ever wanted to seem smart, um, for the doctor, so that they won’t give up on you? [audience laughing] Maybe you don’t have this problem, but, like, I recently found myself moments away from being like, “So are we doing a titty exam or are you just gonna take a peek-a-roonie at my pussy?” [audience laughing] But speaking of, um, my titties, honestly, um, just to put it in a sentence for you, like, how I’m using my new, my new vocabulary. Um… My breasts, um, before I had my baby, my breasts were like, uh, they were just like a full B. It was, like, clink, hi, I’m Jenny, I can go to any synagogue, I’ve got a full B for you here, it’s not a big deal.
[audience laughing]
You know, um, it was sort of like, like, have you ever eaten a meal where you’re like, it was like a small bowl of pasta, at, like, a fancy restaurant, and you’re like, “This is all I get?” But then you eat it, and you’re like, “I’m actually full.” [audience cheering and applauding] Um, yeah, so there was that and then I had my daughter and I was breastfeeding her. And to my wild surprise, I… was blessed with, like, an instant set of fucking porny gazongas. Like, double D, milky, psycho naturals. [audience laughing] I was agog. I really was. Like, I just, like, I looked into the mirror and, like, bro’ed out so hard. [audience laughing] I, like, negged myself looking at these jugs. I was like… [deeper voice] “Oh, like, honestly, I don’t usually think that funny girls are attractive…” [audience laughing and applauding] “…but, like, you’ve caught my attention tonight, girl.” [audience laughing] Yeah, and then I was, like, so horny for my own physique, I just was like… [slurping sounds] Really wanted to just, like, set up my phone and, like, make it slow-mo, and just like, jump up and down. [audience laughing] Oh, but also, they, like, really, really hurt, really bad. Um, yeah, that’s the compromise. Whoo. Um… After I had my baby, um, I just thought, you know, this is, they’re, okay, maybe I’m not gonna keep having double D’s, but, like, I’ll probably just stay with, like, a full C or something. And instead, it was, like, have you ever, like, let a balloon go? And it’s just like… [balloon deflating sounds] And then it just falls on the floor?
Like, I was, like, no!
[audience laughing]
But, like, now I would say that my breasts are, like, they’re like a hybrid between a pancake and a feather. [audience laughing] It’s erotic. It’s erotic. My husband says it’s very erotic. Um… It’s, like, almost all nip. That’s surprising. [audience laughing] Whoa, you know, and, like, I love it, ’cause I feel like they remind me of, like, the little strict little titties that, like, a ballerina would have. [audience laughing] You know? These are my fucking titties. Mm. If you want it, you’d better fucking find it. [audience laughing] I do feel like I kind of, I didn’t, I sort of name-dropped that I had a baby.
Like, I saw her, I know her, but, um…
[audience laughing]
But she’s mine, um, I have a baby. She’s, um, perfect and wonderful and I don’t have a joke about her ’cause I would never fucking joke about her. Um. Um, but, yeah, I had a baby, I’m not trying to skirt the issue, or, like, deny it. Like, I, I did it. I… I did it. [audience laughing] She’s there. But, like, it does still feel like, I’m, like, it was me? Like, I did it? Like, I… It’s hard to wrap my mind around it and, like… I was pregnant for a long time and I understood that I was, but, like, even on the way to the hospital when my body was, like, really hurting and stuff was starting to leak out… [audience laughing] I was just, like… kinda feels like someone’s gonna sub in here, though. [audience laughing] Like, it’s just such an extreme experience that I just was like, I don’t kn… It just doesn’t feel like something I would do, you know?
[audience laughing]
Like, would I knock on someone’s door after four dates at 2:00 a.m. and be like, “I just need to tell you I’m in love with you.” Like, yeah. Extreme stuff, I’ve done it. But, like, this? I was like, “Oh, I don’t know.” It just doesn’t seem like what she would do and, like, anytime something’s been hard or I haven’t wanted to do it, like, I’ve always just been able to quit or be fired. [audience laughing] It’s just so, it just felt like, I just don’t feel like this was meant to be sent, I wanted to have the baby, but I was like, “Did you mean for me to do this, though?” Like… The only other thing that I had to compare to it was, um, just the memory of this one time when I opened my email and I had received, um, an audition for the role of Pennywise in the movie It. [audience laughing] Yeah. I would love for you to all to be like, “What a funny, fictional joke that she’s telling.”
[audience laughing]
“About a fucking fake thing that never happened to a nice person like she.” [audience laughing] But, in fact, I opened my email. It’s like, “An appointment has been made on your behalf to audition for the role of Pennywise.” I was like… “Huh?” [audience laughing] Like, I just, I truly was like, “Wait. Huh?” Like, no, like, that couldn’t be… Like the… Like the murdering… [audience laughing] …kidnapping… balding, male clown, right? [audience laughing] [short gasps] Like… And then I’m, like, such an optimist and I was like, well, maybe it’s, like, something else, like, maybe this is actually, like, best-case scenario, like, a very antisemitic romcom about… [audience laughing] Like, like, a whimsical woman who, like, can’t get it together, named, like, Penny Wise. And, like… [farting sound] [audience laughing] She, like, fucking farted while she was picking up her panties, or something. I don’t know. I don’t care. Literally anything but imagining producers… [audience laughing] …sitting around…
[audience laughing]
…when they’ve got all the Skarsgårds… [audience laughing] And being like, “Oh, I don’t know, like, what if we did, like, a Jenny Slate kind of thing with this?” [audience laughing] And just, like, two men and a female misogynist being like, “That’s interesting, Trey.” [audience laughing] “There is something there, honestly. That’s fucked up.” Or, like, my representatives at the time, who I do not work with anymore… [audience cheering and applauding] Being like, “Let’s fucking see if this idiot bites.” You know, like… [audience laughing] [giggles] It really, really hurt my feelings. It really hurt my feelings really badly. Um… And then I got really scared because I was like, “Imagine if I fucking went on this audition.” Like, you know how there are, like, leaked tapes of, like, people who try to do stuff. [audience laughing] Can you imagine? However I did, would’ve done my hair and I’m like… [audience laughing and applauding] Ah! It hurts my feelings so much! And so we got to the hospital. [clears throat] And, um, I, um, I mean, I’m just gonna try to make this, you know, brief, um, but I had the baby out of my vagina. [audience cheering and applauding] Yeah. She’s here tonight! Bring her out! [audience laughing] It’s this one, that’s the craziest thing. Isn’t that so weird? It’s this. It’s like, just like that, like, this is my pussy, it’s my vagina. I did it out of this. You don’t get another one.
[audience laughing]
It’s not, like, “Oh, she dropped her ice cream cone, but she’s a good girl, she can have another,” like… [audience laughing] You have it and you keep it and you take with it, forever. Uh, the truth, which is, and again, not sure where the joke is here, and I would’ve loved to have figured it out before we filmed, but… [audience laughing] You know, you can plan for your birth. You can have the plan and the playlist and if you’re lucky, you have a lovely partner, or support people, or doctors, or whatever you want, and you can really, really do that, but the fact is that when you’re doing it, you are essentially alone. [audience laughing softly] Okay. [audience laughing] Oh, that doesn’t tickle your funny bone? Um… [audience laughing] [exhales] It was, giving birth, for me, was a very positive experience and, like, again, like, not because I’m like, “Oh, I’m perfect and it went perfectly,” but, like, just because, um, like, I liked, I liked the feelings, I guess, that I, that I had. And, um, I also like the response that I got from my husband, like, he was very supportive. And then after the fact, he was like, “Watching the baby come out of your vagina was like watching a magic trick.” [audience laughing] You know those magicians… that just get up on stage and… scream for 21 hours straight? [audience laughing] Where the, uh, the magician, um, just does that famous trick where they just shit out every shit they’ll ever make in their whole entire life. Plus, like, callbacks to shits gone by. [audience laughing] And, like, future shits we haven’t even invented yet ’cause we don’t have that kind of food, or whatever.
[audience laughing]
You know, much like, uh, uh, when they, like, take the scarf out of their tuxedo, or whatever. Except, imagine that the scarf is full of shit. [audience laughing] [giggles] Um, yeah, I mean, a birth is a portal. It’s a portal. You are touching infinity. You’re bringing someone in. You yourself are changing. And also, you will make shits that directly rocket you back… [audience laughing] …to other times where you were emotionally impacted. [deep inhale] And there was, like, this one… doody that I made… [audience laughing] …during my labor… where, I mean, I was like, “Oh, my God, I know you.” [audience laughing] I was like, “No way! Like…” [audience laughing] “You’re from the orchestra trip to Montreal in seventh grade?” [audience laughing] “I fucking know you, man. I know you from Canada.” Little bit about me at that moment, I was, like, in seventh grade. I was, like, two-eleven. [audience laughing] Terrible at the violin. And everyone fucking hated me. [audience laughing] Um… Yeah, uh, and so before we went on the trip, my mom, um, was like, “Jenny, remember to take your lactate pills.” And I was like, “Yeah, right, I don’t want anyone to actually confirm that I’m a dork, so…” We went, we got taken to the Hard Rock Café Montreal. [audience laughing softly] Which I might define as the least Jewish place in the entire world. [audience laughing] And I had never been to a restaurant without my parents before. I was, like, fucking off the leash. I just was, like, “Oh, I can’t believe this!” And… I got, I got sat at a table of popular kids and I was, like, expecting someone to just be like, “Get up!” But, like, nobody seemed to notice, so I was like, “Mm, just don’t fuck this up for yourself.” Um… I just was like, “Just stay here and maybe, like, stay next to them and maybe they’ll never ask you to leave,” which, honestly, has served me in some other relationships later on in life.
But, um…
[audience laughing]
So, this kid… in my memory, is like, “Okay, so we’ll do, um, double cheese pizza, uh, we’re gonna do mozzarella sticks for the table. You guys want mozza sticks? Okay, cool. Uh… Uh, loaded nachos, and fully load them, sour cream as well. And then a round of milkshakes for everyone.” [audience laughing] “That good? That good? Is that what you guys wanna do?” I was like, “Oh, yeah, totally cool, man. To… Yeah.” [audience laughing softly] These fucking popular Christian kids ordering so much dairy… [audience laughing] I’m like, “Fake it till you make it. Like, we’re in another country. Maybe I’m not myself.”
And, um…
[audience laughing]
[clears throat] And I, you know, you’re supposed to take, I guess, like, one to two lactate pills with every dairy item. And in my case, I took zero with a million. [audience laughing] I was super fucking pumped. I was, like, feasting at the king’s table. I’m, like, throwing down these mozzarella sticks. Like, I’m just, like, a walrus with her mackerel.
I’m like… [guzzling sounds]
[audience laughing]
Like, fracking the bottom of my milkshake. Just being like, “Get it all!” [audience laughing] I got up from this table and I was like, like, I could hear my sphincter yelling. Like, “We can’t hold that!” [audience laughing] I was like this, like, I was, like… [audience laughing] “Okay, that was so cool to hang out with all of you guys.” [audience laughing] And in my memory, which in order to access for your benefit tonight, I have to, like, push through a curtain of trauma. ‘Cause it’s, like, on the other side. It’s, like, one of the worst things that’s ever occurred. In my memory, uh, at the Hard Rock Café Montreal, um, there are, like, 250 stairs down… [audience laughing] …out of the restaurant. And, uh… I lost a little bit of weight on every stair. You know what I mean. [audience gasping and laughing] Yeah. Yeah. Like, this was, like, a full peacock tail… [audience laughing] …of diarrhea…
[audience laughing]
…in a restaurant. And…
[audience laughing]
[sighs] You know… I, I like to be positive. One thing that I really like about myself, um… is that I feel that as a living thing, I’m, like, very in tune with my, like, mammal rhythms. Like, even as, like, a young, young, young person, I was, like, oh, like, I dunno, like, do you know that feeling, like, when you can tell that you’re about to pass away? [audience laughing] It’s just like a deep, still know, and you’re like, “Oh.
I’m about to pass.”
[audience laughing]
Like, did you ever have a childhood pet that, like, went away to die, like, like, a cat that, like, went behind the computer table to just die? [audience laughing softly] If there’s any Gen Z-ers in the audience, they’re like, “Computer table?” [audience laughing] “The computer’s in your body now, you idiot!” [audience laughing] You know, like, your friend would be like, “We couldn’t find Oreo for three days. And then my aunt looked behind the computer table. And Oreo had, like, pushed out one smoke-colored shit and then Oreo ended.” That’s what I was like. I was like, “She’s gone!” And I was like, “Oh, I’m about to die. Like, I better go subterranean and just, like, fucking find my grave.”
And…
[audience laughing]
I ducked into an underground mall um, as, like, a tiny seventh-grader, like, found a bathroom and alternated between propulsive diarrhea
and expressive vomit.
[audience groans]
I know, thank you so much, honestly.
[audience laughing]
I would love to just get a voice memo of that so I can masturbate to it later. [audience cheering and laughing] And then, like, have you ever just been barfing and you’re getting so weak? You’re, like, holding on the toilet, and you’re like, “You will not take me down.” [audience laughing] But, like, obviously, I’m, like, a very weak person in almost every way and I had to lay my little body down, but… Right before I laid down on the tile in that underground mall, I looked into the toilet… and while I was having my baby, I saw the exact same shit! [audience laughing and applauding] Thank you so much. Oh. For the birth… [laughs] …um, I had an epidural. Um, and if you don’t know what that is, I don’t really care about describing it to you to know. [laughs] It’s like, if you don’t know what that is, you should know. Like, I know what a fucking cummerbund is. [audience laughing] [sighs] Um… Sassy, sassy, sassy, sassy. Um…
[audience laughing]
So I, um, I had an epidural because I… Bye, hon! Um…
[audience laughing]
No, no, no, no, no, no!
[audience laughing and applauding]
Okay. I got an epidural because I really, really wanted one. Um, because I was really fucking scared of how it would feel to have a baby come out of my vagina. Um… Yeah, I was not interested in what that would feel like at all. Um, it’s just really, really scary. You explode. If you’re lucky. When you have a baby, if you’re lucky, you explode your vagina. That’s the best thing that can happen to you, so… Again, find the funny there. But, um… That’s the best-case scenario, is that you fucking explode. But, um, I really will say that I, I think that nobody has ever reacted as positively to an epidural as I did on that… that evening. Like, I, before I got the epidural, I was just like, “I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!” And then I got the epidural and I was like, “So what’s it like to be from Santa Fe, man?”
[audience laughing and cheering]
“Frickin’ jamming in here, right now.” I was like, “Can I get another Italian ice?”
[audience laughing]
Eating the stupid, like, wooden spoon. Just, like, truly being, like, “I’ll take another,” like, 40 minutes before I fully, like, rip myself from clit to cornhole. Just, like… [audience laughing] …not concerned at all. [laughs] If anyone’s pregnant tonight, I don’t know. [audience laughing] Yeah, I honestly, yeah. Um… Um… [sighs] And then after the baby was out of my body, and I had exploded my vagina, as I feel like I might’ve said many times. It’s really important to keep saying it ’cause it really did happen. And I will not be silenced! Um, I exploded my vagina! Um… [chuckles] But, um… Like, 15 minutes after that event occurred, you would think, like, I would get a call from the Surgeon General being like, “Congrats. That was, like, incredible.”
But, um…
[audience laughing]
It was pretty weird what happened. First of all, the weird thing was that I immediately was like, “I would like to watch Paddington 2.” [audience laughing and applauding] Paddington 2 is better than Paddington 1 and Paddington 1 fucking ruled. So, anyway… If you’ve seen those movies, you would know why, even right after giving birth, you would be like, “I have a hankering for Paddington.” Um, great cast. Really good. But, um… I wasn’t allowed to watch it right away ’cause they were like, “You have something else to do right now.” Um, which is, you know, what parenthood is. It’s not all about you. Um… But 15 minutes later, the nurse came in. Honestly, I thought she was just gonna, like, hit me over the head with a frying pan and be like, “You’re done.” She’s like… “Okay. Go peepee.” I was like…
“What?”
[audience laughing]
She’s like, “Mm, mm, go peepee.” [audience laughing] I was like… [mocking laugh] Like, surely, I’m not gonna, like, get the worst injury of my life and then have to, like, pee out of it. Right? Like… That seems weird to me. If you, like, cut your arm, you’d be like, “Don’t get any peepee on there.” Like, I just… I was just, like, why is all this stuff that’s happening, like, it seems, like, like the wrong medical advise and it’s so weird. But, like, I guess you gotta go peepee, or something. And then, and then, and then they’re just like, “Bye!” And you just have to leave. [audience laughing] Like, you just have to go. It’s so weird. And everyone’s like, “How’s the baby?” And you’re like… [shrieks] “Do you know what just happened to me?”
[audience laughing]
But, honestly, like, if one man exploded a baby out of the tip of his peepee… [audience laughing] …everyone would be like… “Did you hear about Scott?” [audience laughing] Like, collectively, we’d be devastated for him. We’ve been trained to be devastated if anything ever happens to the peepees. And, like… If, you know, like, if you were at a party with Scott, like, you, even if he had the worst personality, you’d, like, look right into his eyes and, like, give him respect, you know. [audience laughing] Scott, like, got up from the dinner table and was like, “Excuse me.” “I have to go to the bathroom.” Everyone would be like, “Scott!” [audience laughing] “Do you need us to hug you from behind, Scott, while you do your peepee?” Um… Much like, I’m sure, all of you, I got pregnant on the very first night of the pandemic.
[audience laughing]
Romantic, huh? Um, what happened there… [clears throat] …was that, and I’m not about to, like, describe sex to you. Don’t worry. Um, what happened was that, like, we, my husband and I, were, like, okay, LA is, like, about to lock down and maybe we should just, like, drive back to Massachusetts. And, like, before even just, like, calmly, like, looking at each other and being like, all right, we’re gonna do it, I was like, “Got it!” And, like, ran outside… [audience laughing] I was like, “We need food!” “We need food for the car!” And, like, picked 40 lemons off of a lemon tree. [audience laughing] Like, threw them into the back of the car. Ran into the house, got a squeezy bottle of mayo. [audience laughing] And, like, a packet of tortillas from the fridge. And then, like, I-I, like, the other thing is that we made it, like, a lot scarier for ourselves ’cause we were like, we decided to leave at dawn. [audience laughing] It’s like… Honestly, no need. Like, leave at 11:00, 11:15, it’ll be, like, less stressful. But, like, instead we were like, “My beloved…” [audience laughing] “…when the sun peaks…” Like, it was like, okay, I guess this is what we decided to do. And… it was, I was frightened. Um, but also, there is a very, very large portion of my personality that is a relentless optimist. And I really also love spending time with my husband and I liked that, like, we would be together nonstop.
And I’m sure he felt the same way! Um…
[audience laughing]
But, um, I just, there… I knew it was serious, but also, that part of me was like… [singing] “Road trip, road trip with my boyfriend. Here I go…”
He’s like…
[audience laughing]
“No, not road trip with your boyfriend. Plague, and you need to leave.” [audience laughing] But still, I was like, no, but I’m still alive and, like, I like to costume myself for the moment. Like, adornment is worth something and no one will ever convince me otherwise. So, like, I’m gonna pick an outfit that I can wear for this whole road trip that, like, represents who I am and what I’m feeling right now. Like, who gives a shit? I really do. And I was like, what should I… Like, we’re not, you know, we’re not, like, taking a lot of stuff. And, um, I was like, well, what’s something I could wear that, like, it’ll be, like, “I’m down to earth but I’m cute.”
And…
[audience laughing]
I was like, oh, in romcoms, when the, like, main person has gone through their, like, bad time, and then they’re like, “Actually, I will start my cupcake store.” [audience laughing] They’re like, “I’m gonna put my wallpaper up in my new cupcake store.” And when they’re doing that, they wear overalls. [audience laughing] Yeah. They wear overalls. Um, and I was like, oh, that’s so cute. I’ll wear overalls. It’ll be my one thing. I’ll have, like, a couple of tank tops, I’ll change them out. Um, no bra ’cause I’m horny. And… [audience laughing] Um, I was just like, yeah, great, got it. The thing was, that, like, at the start of the pandemic, there were many of us that were like, what are we doing here? Like, do we wear the mask? Do we wear a glove? Do we not wear it here? Like, what do we do? Where is it? Blah-blah-blah. And so we were like, well, we just shouldn’t be around other people as much as possible. Just not. So, like, if we’re gonna have to pee, we’re not gonna go inside, we’re gonna, like, pee on the side of the road. That’s, like, you know. And, like, not to be a snob, but I love peeing in toilets.
Um…
[audience laughing]
It’s not a fetish, it’s a preference. I fucking love it, you know. And, um… And I’m not like that seasoned at doing it a different way. And… I don’t, you know, I don’t know, like, how many times in your life you’ve worn overalls and been outside and trying to go to the bathroom on the ground, but… when you clip them off… they’re not like, “Got ya!” And, like, go to the front of the room. [audience laughing] They lay out behind you. Like something waiting to be filled with shame. [audience laughing] And so I, on the side of a road, because I’m a considerate person and didn’t wanna fucking show my taint to the entire world, and I was, like, thinking about that. I was like, “Uh, how do I, like, cover this up? and, like, not let anybody see my, mm.” And I, I sort of, like, forgot the other, like, elements of the situation and I, I just peed right into the overalls. [audience laughing] Peed right into the overalls. And… [sighs] My lord, I wish that this happened in, like, Connecticut, more to the east. Um, in fact, it was in New Mexico.
[audience laughing]
Check your maps. Not that far from LA. How can I put this? Have you ever… peed in your pants, but the pee’s, like, on your back? [audience laughing and applauding] It was like it had its hand on my shoulder. [audience laughing] Like, for the whole trip, it was just like… [audience laughing] “You’re a fucking fool, girl.” Like, whispering in my ear, you know. And then, we were like, okay, we’re gonna, we made it to Massachusetts from Los Angeles in three days. That’s a very impressive pace. And we would drive, like, 16 to 17 hours a day. I’d just, like, find a place on the map and be like, “Go to that place.” And we would, like, get the phone number and, like, I would, you know, wanna warn them, like, we’re coming, you know. Like, I would call and be really respectful, and be like, [screaming]
[audience laughing]
[loud thud]
[audience laughing]
The phantom of the opera.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Jenny laughing] [evil laugh] Um…
[audience laughing]
We get to where we were going. We had masks, we had gloves. We had hats?
[audience laughing]
Okay. [inhales] Um, and, um, we just would go in there, we would spray everything down. And then we would roll out sleeping bags and put them on the beds. [audience laughing] And then be like, “Goodnight.” [audience laughing] Why two different sleeping bags? I’m unsure, like, we were unmasked in the car, together, with, like, free pee. Like, pee around, I don’t know. I was just like, okay, I guess this is what we’re… Like, I dunno, this is the protocol we’re comfortable with. And day two… I got some information via the internet. I don’t know if you guys have ever done that, but sometimes it’s unreliable and… I was, like, dismantling really fast. Um, like really falling apart and it hit, like, just Olympic rate. And, uh, I looked at him, I look at my phone, I look at him, I’m like… [panting] He’s like, “What?” I’m like… [breathes heavily] [clicks tongue] “They say it can be in your beard.”
[audience laughing]
He’s like… “Jenny, what?” I’m like… [panting] “It can be in your beard!” [audience laughing] “You gotta shave it.” [audience laughing] Like, granted, this is the time when, like, both my parents were getting, like, fully nude outside of their front door. Like, wearing gas masks and my mom, like, spraying down my dad’s physical penis while he, like, Windexed pita chip bags. Like, nobody knew what the fuck was going on. [audience laughing] But my husband is truly, like, he is such a darling, sweet person. And I made him shave his beard. [audience laughing] I didn’t shave my head.
[audience laughing]
[audience] Whoo!
Didn’t even offer to bleach my mustache in solidarity. [audience laughing] We left that motel with surfaces cleaner than we had arrived. Beds unslept in. And a trashcan filled with, like, tiny little hairs. Which, by the way, if you didn’t know that a pandemic was beginning, you’d be like, “Oh, yeah, I saw them. They were murderers.” [audience laughing] “They for sure had done a murder.” Um, yeah, they had all the, sort of, the fixings of being on the lam. Um… [clears throat] Yeah. I mean, the third day we get to Massachusetts and, like, that was the official day of the lockdown. I don’t know how your sexualities work, um… Would love it if you wanna email me about it.
[audience laughing]
It’s Hanukkah42069…
[audience laughing]
…at jcrew.com.
[audience laughing]
But, um, for me, we arrived at the doorstep. I was, like, “I’m covered in piss. I’m exhausted. I’m deeply terrified. I’m dripping wet. Let’s bone.” [audience laughing] And I got pregnant right away. [audience laughing] Then I was like, “Oh, no!” [nervous giggles] Like, not, like, I was excited, but I also was, like, “This is fucking scary. Like, I’m pregnant during a plague?” And then I was like, “Wait.” “Isn’t this in the Bible?” [audience laughing] Oh, and I don’t know, I mean, I, I don’t know, like, the New Testament, but…
[audience laughing]
From the texts that I remember, there’s not, like, a parable about a woman who travels a continent covered in her own piss, while taking in, like, 42 hours of podcasts and retaining no information, but… [audience laughing] Maybe it’s in one of the P-salms. [audience laughing] [Jenny laughing] Why, why do they call it that? Come on. P-salms. [inhales] Um… Um, anyway, speaking of religious texts, um, I don’t know if you’re, like, familiar with my body of work, but, um, at the end of my last special, um, I, uh, I said something which now, to me, just feels like, like, cave writing on a wall, or something. I’m like, “Who did that?” But, um, you know, reviewing the footage, I seem to have said that, uh, I was not going to date anymore and that I was going to “turn my pussy into a museum with a major alarm system.”
[audience laughing]
She said that. Well, I guess I did. Um, and that I could only masturbate to the full moon, um… because patriarchy had ruined all men for me. And, um, you know, I really admire the specificity of that plan, but…
[audience laughing]
Like, it turned out to be just, like, super impractical, I guess. And just, yeah, it was, like, it was, like, hard to get done. And, like, there’s not, like, there’s not, like, a full moon every night and… [audience laughing] I like, like, committed relationships. Um, need it to be there. Um, and so what happened then was that I just kind of was like, I’m like, I didn’t wanna, like, go on an app, I don’t want, like, a computer to help me find someone. I just, like, wanna find them on Earth. And so I was like, I don’t know… [sighs] …sleeping with a lot of friends. I really miss those friendships, wish I hadn’t done that. [audience laughing] Oopsies. [audience laughing] [inhales] Sorry. [audience and Jenny laughing] Come to think of it, I shouldn’t have done that. Um… And then, um, after I was like, “Well, who’s left?”
Um…
[audience laughing]
I was just kind of, like, on the sidewalk, like, hoping to make eye contact. Like, just being like… “You looked into it, it’s your wife now. It’s your wife now. You found me.” Um… And then, finally, I met my husband. Um, and it was really wonderful and…
[audience] Whoo!
Yeah. Totally.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yeah. Yeah. But, um, when I fell in love with him, he lived in Amsterdam. Um, and, like, he was here, but then he had to go back. And, like, obviously, after one second, I was deeply in love with him, but afraid to tell him because I wanted to be chill. Um… Which, by the way, is a fool’s errand. And I’ll just add that chillness is not real. Uh, I don’t believe that chill people exist. I think it is a concept that misogynists invented so that we could act like we don’t have needs. [audience cheering and applauding] Um, so I fell in love with him. He had to go back to Amsterdam. And, um, that, obviously, deeply broke my heart. Um, and I wasn’t gonna be like, “So, where are we at?” You know, um… I wanted to be like, “I’m totally cool if you have other lovers.” Um…
[audience laughing]
Ugh, that was not how I felt. Um, and then, much to my delight, he was like, “I don’t wanna be apart from you.” And he was like, “Would you like to come to Amsterdam with me, um, for Christmas?” And, of course, I was like, “Tickets, tickets right now!” Um, but I was like, “Oh, let me check my iCal, as if I’ve ever once used that. Um… [clears throat] Whenever anyone tells me to be somewhere, I’m like, “Got it!”
[audience laughing]
So he’s like, “Come to Amsterdam.” And I, you know, right now, I mean, I’m, like, a casual Satanist, but, um, I was raised Jewish. And that means, for me, that during the Christmas holidays, um, I can fly anywhere in the world to suck anyone’s dick. [audience laughing and applauding] ‘Cause I don’t have a family obligation. He’s like, “What are you doing for Christmas?” I’m like, “Riding you, I suspect.” [audience laughing] “Oinky, oinky, Father Christmas.” He’s like, “What?” I’m like, “Nothing.” Um… So I took an airplane to Amsterdam. He came to the airport with flowers, which, obviously, made me have an orgasm right away. [audience laughing] And I was like, “I’m coming.” Like that, like… Which is, by the way, how you have to come if you have a sleeping two-year-old in your house. You have to, like, claw your way up to your partner’s ear and be like, “I’m coming right now.”
[audience laughing and applauding]
[clears throat] Um, and he was like, um, he was like, “I’ve got such a nice trip for us planned. Like, we’re gonna go to the Rembrandt Museum. We’re gonna get a little Christmas tree. And, like, we’re gonna go to the circus.” And I was like, “Don’t ask me if I need to go to the Anne Frank House.” [audience laughing] I do not need an epigenetic meltdown on my sex vacation. [audience laughing] I know it’s there, I know what happened. I can feel it in my spirit. I don’t wanna talk about it right now. [audience laughing] And he’s like, ba-da-da, we’ll do this and that and then we’ll get on the bikes. And I was like… [gasps] “Wh… I’m sorry?” [audience laughing] “So sorry, I feel like I heard, like, a, like a weird word.” [audience laughing softly] He’s like, “We’ll get on the bikes.” And I was like… “Oh, there’s the other fucking shoe.” [audience laughing] I’m looking at this guy, I’m like, “I thought you were fucking perfect.”
[audience laughing]
“And now you just said the most fucked up thing that anyone has ever said to me!” [audience laughing] “Get on the bikes? How dare you!” Like, the idea that you would just be so, you would just assume that someone would do sports with you in another country… [audience laughing] Like, I was fucking freaked out. Like, I was like, “I should get on another plane and go home.” Like, this is so… And I was just, like, standing there, like, like, I’m not an adrenaline junkie, you know, I don’t wanna fucking ride a bike. But like… [audience laughing] I was just like… I want to be brave for love. Like, I really want to be brave for love. That’s what I’m like. More than I’m a person who’s afraid to ride a bike, I want to be brave for love. Like, I wanna go to bed at night and be like, “I was brave for love.” And, like, go off into dreamland, you know.
[audience laughing]
But have you ever been faced with, like, a gorgeous situation that you have wished for? Like, that a really good person really loves you and is being super fucking nice to you. And they’re not doing anything wrong. And it’s exactly what you asked for. And your reaction, um, is to be filled with fear fantasies and suspicion and, um, be unable to trust. And you’re like, “Oh, that’s a mismatched sort of kind of thingy there.” And you’re like, “It feels really bad to feel this way. And also, it’s, like, a really bad fucking look.” But you can’t stop yourself. You’re just like, “Oh, no, but if I trust them, then I’ll let my guard down and then they’ll hurt me,” you know, and it’s just, like, a terrible, terrible cycle. But then, of course, the person’s goodness shines onto you and shows you the inside of yourself where you’re like, “Oh, I’m believing some bad things about myself, but I’m not bad. I’m just holding some brutal beliefs that I should get rid of.” For example, that, like, my feelings are too much and they happen too immediately. And nobody wants to deal with them. And nobody will ever be able to give me the amount of love that I need in order to actually feel loved. Because most people receive love and they hold it in their hearts like a bowl. But for me, I’m more like a colander, or a strange felt hat, that just leaks away. And then you’re like, “No, no, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You’re doing it. You’re doing it. You don’t have to do this. You can do something else. Think of something else. Think of something else. You’re like, I can’t just, like, grab their face and scream, “Don’t destroy me! Don’t destroy me! Don’t destroy me!” So, instead, you find yourself standing in Amsterdam…
[audience laughing and applauding]
And…
[audience cheering]
And you’re not even on drugs. [audience laughing] And you’re like, “Oh, my God. I’m about to do the most fucking psychedelic shit I’ve ever done right now.” And so, anyway, not to be like a jock who turned this into a sports report… [audience laughing softly] …but guess who rode a fucking bike? [audience cheering and applauding] Ring-ring! I did it. I did it. Um… I would not be able to be here tonight telling this, like, weird love story in reverse, uh, wearing this little tuxedo in this fancy theater, um, if it were not for the fact that I am dedicated to going to see my therapist. [audience cheering] Yeah, I love my therapist. And I know you’re not allowed to say that, but, um, I love her. I love her. I love her. Um, I love her. And I actually find that, at this point, to be the hardest part of therapy. That, like, when the session is over, you’re not allowed to be like, “Okay, bye-bye, I love you.”
[audience laughing]
But something happened between us that really, I feel like, um, made a difficult impression on our relationship. And that is that, recently, she texted me by mistake. [audience] Ooh! I know. By recently, I mean it happened three years ago and… [audience laughing] I can’t fucking stop thinking about it. Um, just can’t stop thinking about it. And, um, it was, like, on the weekend and I saw her name pop up. And it’s like, have you ever gotten a text from someone who’s, like, kind of out of your league? And you’re just like, “Oh, like, I am not gonna open this right now, ’cause, like, whatever it is, it’s gonna fucking rock my world.”
[audience laughing]
“Like, I’m gonna wait until I’m, like, you know, in the bathroom.” Um… And so, I didn’t know, I was, like, “The weekend? Like, from Pamela? Like, what could it be?” And I just, I don’t know, like, I thought, like, I don’t know, maybe it’s, like, “Hey, Jennie, I’m at a botanical garden and I saw a flower that seemed like it had, like, a really good shape, but also an interesting mental thing, and I thought of you anyway, hon.” You know, like, I don’t know, something normal. And… [audience laughing] Um, I opened it up and it was, like, so-and-so and I had a lovely time at, name of a fancy restaurant, for his Father’s Day meal. And I was like… [gasps]
[audience laughing]
Uh, like… Like, honestly, like, what the fuck, Pamela?
Like…
[audience laughing]
Like, I was, that was so hurtful. Like, I-I… [audience laughing] I mean, where do I even start? Um… [audience laughing softly] Mm, Pamela goes to restaurants? [audience laughing] Okay. [deep inhale] She led me to believe… [audience laughing softly] …that she just stays in that one room and waits for me to say stuff. [audience laughing] [sighs] And then, like, I guess, the other thing that was sort of hard was that I was like, so Pamela went with her husband to a restaurant for a Father’s Day meal. But I know that my father, Ron, did not go to a restaurant on Father’s Day, so, I guess, like, the excruciating math on that is, like, Pamela is not my mom. [audience laughing] And just, what a gut punch. Like, I was like, okay, you didn’t have to say it to my face, like you’re not my mom. Like, okay, I get it, like… ‘Cause, I, I know. Like, I have this “other mom” named Nancy, who’s, like, always been there. And…
[audience laughing]
I, like, texted her back. And I was like, “I think that you meant to send this to someone else.” And she wrote back… “Indeed.” [audience laughing] And, um, and so then, obviously, I, like, never brought it up again. And then, years later, we were talking, um, about parenthood and she was like, “You know, um, when I had my daughter…” And I was like… [grunts] [audience laughing] [gasps] [gasps] [loud gasp] [audience laughing] Have you ever seen the exact center of your pain? [audience laughing] You know, like, a lot of us are, like, concerned with the chaos around the pain, but, like, really, there’s a center of the pain. And if you can see it, you can change yourself and accept yourself. And Pamela showed me the center of my pain. And I was like, “Oh, my God. I see the center of my pain and it’s that Pamela is not my mother.”
[audience laughing]
And the other thing that she taught me to accept about myself, um, is that I am, um, somebody that can proudly say that I would stalk Pamela and her daughter. [audience laughing] And I’m just like, whatever, like, dangerously close to 40. Um, meaning, I’m 41, so… [audience laughing] Forty itself is like, “Get away.” Um, and I’m just like, I don’t, I’m not here for nonsense anymore. Like, I am what I am. I’m gonna keep growing, but I’m, like, I’m not shunning myself anymore. The parts of myself that are, like, dangerous and dark, I’m going to dwell in that shadow and warm it up. And what that means for me is that in the drippy, velvety part of the night, when all of the freaks are jerking off to the real stuff that they really jerk off to… [audience laughing] The people who are like, “This is what I really need.” [audience laughing] “This is what gets me to go.”
[audience laughing]
When the demons are out, I just sit up in my bed, and I let myself have my food, and what I need is that I think about Pamela and her daughter. [audience laughing softly] And I’m like, “Do it. [softly] Do it. Think about it. Do it. Give it to yourself. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it.” And I think about Pamela and her daughter. And they’re getting into a car, and they’re putting on their seatbelts ’cause they love themselves so much. And they don’t want anyone to get hurt ’cause we’re best, best friends. [audience laughing] And they drive the car because they’re going out to lunch in the middle of the day. Because they love to have fun with each other! [audience laughing] And they’re like, “Let’s pick a restaurant by the sea. Because we’re not allergic to oysters, like some idiots are.”
[audience laughing]
And they’re like, they’re like, “I can’t wait to talk to you over lunch about a variety of subjects. Not just one conversation where we talk about who has cancer, except I never get to talk.” [audience laughing] And then they go to their restaurant and I have followed them in an Uber. [audience laughing] And I get to the restaurant. I go right into the bathroom. And they sit down at their table, but after a while Pamela’s daughter goes into the bathroom. And she uses the bathroom and she comes out to the sink. And I’m already there.
[audience laughing]
And I’m using the soap and I’m frickin’ sudsing up. I’ve been sudsing for, like, 15 minutes. I have so much fucking soap on my hands, it’s like cotton candy. I’m just like… I’m the clean girl. I’m the cleanest girl you have. I’m a nice, clean girl. I’m the cleanest girl that there is. I’m a clean, clean girl. I’m a good girl. Clean girl. Clean, clean. I’m clean. I’m so clean, I’m the cleanest girl. Nobody else is as clean as me. Clean, clean, clean. [audience laughing] She’s, like, washing her hands, being like… [giggles] “That’s a lot of soap.” [audience laughing] I’m like… [audience laughing] “What?”
[audience laughing]
She’s like, “Oh, nothing. It’s just, like, that’s, that’s a lot, sorry, that’s a lot of soap.” I’m like, “Are you sorry?” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Oh, okay.” And I’m like, “Yeah, it is okay.” [audience laughing] [audience laughing louder] “Are you here with your mother?” [audience laughing] She’s like, “What?” I’m like, “Are you here with your mother?” She’s like, “Uh, uh, yeah.” I’m like, “What’s so fucking funny, hon?” [crazy laugh] “What’s the hullabaloo?” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Yeah, I’m here with my mother. It’s fine.” And then I, like, get so close to her. I smush my cheek into her face. I stare at her in the mirror. And she can’t move from her spot. Because she doesn’t have as strong of a character as I have. [audience laughing] And I’m like… [panting] “I hope you know… [shaky inhale] …what you fucking have.” [audience laughing] [inhales] And she’s like… [panting] “What?”
[audience laughing]
And I’m like, “I hope you know what you fucking have!” And she’s like… [shouts] And I’m like, “This is what it’s like to love Pamela!”
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you so much. Be well. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night! Take care of yourselves. I love you!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[“2 Cents” by Rainey Qualley playing]
