[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
I’m 37 and single.
[CROWD CHEERING, LAUGHING]
It’s a bad combination. I’ve gotten pickier. I don’t know how that happened. I’ve gotten pickier. I was on a dating app, said no to someone’s name the other day.
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
A name. I saw a name. I was like, “Fuck that name.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
It was Darlene.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m not dating a Darlene. I’m not dating a Darlene. I’m not a husband from the 1950s. I’m not… dating the Werther’s Originals of names.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m not dating a Sophia, a Blanche, a Rose, a Dorothy. If your name was on Nick at Nite, I’m not dating you.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I just don’t see a fun future with a Darlene. I can’t envision it. Like, I don’t see, “Darlene brings tequila into the movies.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Like, I see, “Take off your shoes. Darlene doesn’t like them in the house.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’ve said no to a woman’s dog’s name. I saw profile. “My dog Cameron.” I was like, “No.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m not dating someone with a dog that’s also a financial planner.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Look, are we gonna be at the park? “Cameron, Cameron?” Some guy in a suit’s like, “Are you talking to me?” Anytime someone’s profile says “spiritual,” I’m fucking out. I don’t know what it means. I don’t think she knows what it means. Every time I see “spiritual,” I assume she hand dances at a CVS. Just…
[CROWD LAUGHING]
There’s no music playing. She’s like, “I caught a vibe.” She’s ribbon dancing with the big receipt.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And I’m making assumptions. But I don’t wanna rub crystals on my cock. I don’t. It’s me. I’m the issue in all of this. I’m making the judgments. These are nice people. I get irrationally mad at people’s profiles. One woman, her profile said, “I like to wake up and read and go for a walk with my morning coffee.” My guttural, 37-year-old reaction to that was, “Fuck off.” I knew everything about her from that sentence. I knew the book. I knew the coffee. I knew the walk. Fuck that book about a missing woman. Fuck that book.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Fuck that coffee with a touch of oat milk. Fuck that coffee. Fuck your walk that ended with an Instagram post of a leaf in black and white with “autumn” in cursive. Fuck… that post. It’s like, what am I mad at? What am I saying “fuck off” to a healthy, functional human being, like a Jewish woman who found a good dairy alternative? What?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
It’s just not real. It’s not real, right? Thirty-seven and single means I’ve done level one of dating. I want to be at level three. Right? I want a real profile. I would much rather the profile be like, “I like to wake up and scroll…”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“…and sip a water that’s been next to my bed for a month.”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
That’s a real person. Like, I would love that pro… “I like to wake up and fart, lift up the sheets…
[CROWD LAUGHING]
…see if it smells like dinner.” We want real on a dating app, but I don’t think I could be that real. This person wrote what they like to do. I can’t write what I like to do. You ever thought of what you like to do? I like to sit on the couch and stare.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You know what I love to do? I like to look at the phone, look at the TV… Go in my room, masturbate, fall asleep like a Jesus painting. Wake up, have a snack, do the whole thing over again. Just phone, TV, masturbate, snack. Phone, TV, masturbate, snack. Phone, TV, call my mom, masturbate, snack.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[WOMAN WHOOPING]
I can’t write that on a dating app. [CHUCKLING] What woman is like, “Finally!”?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“A multitasker.” “I hope he takes a shit till his leg falls asleep.” Thirty-seven and single means you have married friends, and they try to help, and they cannot help. And I know some of you are here with married friends that try to help. Let me give a message to you from them, “Shut the fuck up.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You’re not helping. It doesn’t matter how extreme a married person’s story is, they tell it as if you should do it too. They’ll look you dead in the eye. “I met Robert in seventh grade.” “Have you tried seventh grade?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You’re not allowed to disagree with them. It’s too exhausting. So you’re like, “I gotta start trying seventh grade.” “I gotta enroll in the middle school.” “I gotta go to one of those Kumon and do after school activities.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Married men don’t try to help you at all. They don’t care. The only thing married men talk about is how they would’ve crushed it on Tinder. That’s the only thing they say. “Oh man, if I was single…” It’s like, I knew you then.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Married women are weird. They’re condescending. Women seem to be in this competition that… that I don’t even believe in. Like, “Married, winning. Single, losing.” That seems to be the case. So, when all of my friends who are my age get married, they act like they have no memory of being single whatsoever. Like, they’re not allowed to admit they remember it, because it was fun. They’ll be like, “I don’t even remember.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Oh, what was it, 2012?” “Was the internet around back then?” “I think I just played Snake on my phone all day.” “Where am I? I’m so old.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“I think my father got a cow in the transaction.” They’re so bizarre. I was at Fourth of July. I pulled out Bumble, the dating app, in front of my married friend. Her body jutted away.
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
Legitimate. It was like I pulled out my pet cock and balls, and I was like, “Here.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I pull out Bumble. She goes, “I wouldn’t even know how to use that.” I was like, “Are you stupid?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Brief tutorial. Left, no.” “Right, fuck.” “You’re caught up. Easier than Seamless. You’re good.” Then she looked me in the eye. She had this weird speech. She goes, “Thank God I am not single today. Thank God!”
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] “Thank God!” She kept going. “Thank God! Thank Jesus Christ!” I thought she was gonna start preaching. “Let me get an ‘amen’ for being married!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“I said, ‘Thank you, Jesus!'” “No more first dates. Thank you, Jesus!” “No more random cock on my phone!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
She was thanking a higher power that she didn’t have my life.
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
You don’t think that’s condescending at all? Now I do that to her baby. [CHUCKLING]
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
“Timmy’s up from his nap.” I’m like, “I wouldn’t even know how to use that.”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
And then I march around, “Can I get an ‘amen’ for having no kids?” “Can I get a ‘thank you, Jesus’ for masturbating with the door open?” “Thank you!” “I said, ‘Thank you, Jesus!'” [CHUCKLING] “I said, ‘Thank you, Jesus, ‘ for not sharing a mortgage with someone I used to love.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
That last one sounds bitter.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I agree. That’s something I’ve had to deal with. You sound bad, as a single person. I sound bad. We have to admit we sound bad to our married friends. They’re right a little bit. They try to help, and we’re not really good to help. ‘Cause we’re aspirational. We’re not easy to deal with. My dad tried to set me up. My dad lives in Florida. I live here. He called me. He goes, “You know, a woman in Miami would like to meet you.” I was like, “Do you have any more information?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
He goes, “You’re so picky.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
What is weirder in that scenario? Me asking for a picture or what she does for a living, or me booking a ticket?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Flying to Miami, going to a busy street corner. “I’m here!” “I hear there’s someone looking for a chubby Jew.”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
But that’s the thing. Your… your married friends hear something different than what we’re saying. You are hungry. They have brought you food. And you’re like, “Is it organic?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I see it from my single friends too. I see it. I… I understand it. I was out for lunch with my friend. I was scrolling on Instagram, she was swiping on Bumble. You know, how friends have lunch.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Just hanging out to the sound of each other’s breath. She gets a match, a match. She holds up the phone. She goes, “Look at this fucking loser.” That was a match.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And I understand that. When you’re on a dating app, you get good-looking all of a sudden. I’m okay looking, but when I’m on there, I’m like a judge on America’s Next Top Model. I’m on there, “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.” “Maybe.” You ever do the maybe swipe, like you’respecial?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“They should have the pleasure.” “Trash.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I love watching The Bachelor.
[WOMEN CHEERING]
If you are single and you love watching The Bachelor, you’ll have one married friend who will look at you and say, “You should go on!”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
“You should go on!” I’m here to tell us, “No, we shouldn’t.” I’ve met some of the contestants. There’s one thing they all have in common. They are tall, Adonis-like, tree-like figures. If I went on that show, I would look like a bush.
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
It would look like I showed up to the wrong reality TV show. They’d be like, “This isn’t Man v. Food.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Honestly, it would look like a Make-A-Wish.
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
I would get out of the limo, I’d be like, “Hi, I make the funnies.” And… she’d start talking too loud. [SHOUTING] “Hi, thank you for coming!” “It’s so special to have you here!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And if I ever went on The Bachelorette and then became the bachelor, I could never… The show… I’m too judgmental. The show would be one episode. I would see a foot come out of the limo. I’d be like, “Get her the fuck out!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Was that red nail polish? I don’t date hoes.” They’d introduce themselves. “Your name is Kathryn with a Y? Get the fuck out my house right now.” “I’m sorry, you’re from ‘Warshington?’ There’s no R in that state.” “Get your arse out of my harse, now.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I would make up games. I’d be like, “Ladies, tonight, take off your eyelashes.” “I wanna see what’s under the hood.” The show would be one episode. It would end with me and the host in an empty mansion. And I would look at them while we ate pizza. Like, “Ugh, I guess it was a bad crop this season.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] So I understand that level of delusion. She holds up the phone. She goes, “Look at this fucking loser.” And I look at the picture. It was a cliché picture. And she was angry. It’s one a lot of people get. It was the guy holding the fish.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] Look, the villagers are angry.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You guys got visibly upset. You didn’t see the picture. She was the same way. She’s like, “These fucking fish. Fucking losers.” “What the fuck is up with them?” “What do they think, we wanna see a dead fucking fish?” I had to calm her down. I was like, “Not your match, not your problem.” I even did some fish humor. I go, “Throw him back.”
[CROWD LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
She was so mad at the fish picture. It was… It’s not even rational. What do you think, he did that picture to get you? You think guys cockblock themselves on purpose? You think he was on a boat like, “Hand me that fish, I wanna fuck with some lonely women.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
He had the best of intentions. What do you think? Let me ask you the same question I asked her. “How many opportunities do you think straight men get for a lone picture?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Do you think we go on a bachelor party the same way you go on a bachelorette party? A bachelorette party is a series of photoshoots, and everyone has a role. Creative director bitch. Lighting bitch. The chick who takes the hip of your bikini and puts it above your nipple.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You think I’m going on a bachelor party making an announcement to my friends for an alonesie?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You think I’m looking at them? “Hey, guys, before we get started here.” “In Vegas, I wanna just get a brief announcement in.” “I know you guys will never make fun of me.” “If you see me giggling in front of a sunset, or in a vineyard, or in front of a mural in a gentrified neighborhood… …could you pop off some candids?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“I’m looking for love.” You can’t pull out a phone at a bachelor party. Some guy’s like, “Get that the fuck outta here!” “I got kids, man. You trying to get me in trouble?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
This guy caught a fish. Have some respect. He caught a fish.
[CROWD CHEERING] There you go. With only one intention, impressing you, and you see it… “This fucking fish…” He looked at that fish. He was like, “Oh shit, I can look like a provider.” [CHUCKLING]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And then he’s like, “Look handsome.” “This is the one that finds you ‘the one.'” “Look like you own a boat. Look like you own a boat.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I… I’m the same way. I have my own versions of the fish picture. I have my own versions that are irrational. I was at a gender reveal party. Okay, it just got uneasy in here.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I was at a gender reveal party, and I was complaining about someone’s profile. The profile was a lot like the fish picture. This woman wrote, “Never have I ever eaten fish.”
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
Okay, some of you didn’t react enough.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I didn’t say, “I don’t eat fish.” “I don’t eat fish” is reasonable. Tried it, didn’t like it. Not for me. “Never have I ever… eaten fish.” She’s not ten years old. [CHUCKLING] This is a 38-year-old woman. Some of you are too woke to get involved in this.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I can see you’re like, “What religion is he offending right now?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
All of the religions eat fucking fish. “Never have I ever eaten fish” can only mean dating her is a pain in the fucking ass. Like, she goes to lunch with her friend, someone gets the fish tacos, she’s like, “Hey guys, you know…”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’d put it right up to her mouth. I’d be like, “Put it in right now.” “End this… end this personality trait that you think is interesting.” “End it right now.” “We don’t have to hear this story anymore.” “Please, for the love of fucking God, put in your mouth so we can hear a new story from you and see if you’re a real person.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Look, I’m not going with that woman to the cape. I’m not taking her to the cape. Am I gonna be, “I’ll have the lobster. She’ll have the chicken nuggies”? [CROWD LAUGHING]
“She’s got a long story to tell you about it.” [JARED CHUCKLING] I gave that same speech to my friends at the gender reveal party. My one friend looked at me, he goes, “You are fucking crazy.” He goes, “You took that one thing, and you made it a whole personality.” He’s like, “You sound scared.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I guess I am. I’m scared of being, like, three months dating Flipper…”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“…and having to end it for no good reason at all.” That’s every relationship I’ve been in. I end it before it gets more serious. I know what would happen with her. And I’m the worst at ending relationships in the entire world. Every breakup I’ve ever had lasts a month at the minimum.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
A month! I’m so bad at it. I’ve never chosen the right day for a breakup also. Every breakup, every woman’s like, “Three weeks after my half-birthday.” “And Honda Days at our local dealership is directly around the corner.” “You know it’s international Bagel day.” “My grandmother died seven and a half years ago.” “She loved a schmear.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’ve never chosen the right day. I break up before the next step. That’s my biggest problem. If you break up before the next step… Moving in, making it, like, real, engagement. If you break up before the next step, you… you know they’re gonna ask you why. And you don’t have a good reason when you break up before the next step. All your whys are frivolous and fixable. If she was like, “Why?” I’d be like, “Well, when we went to Miami, you clapped when the plane landed.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“I looked at you. You were like…” “I thought of our kids.” “Your texts also come in green. If we can’t…” “If we can’t be on the same group chat, how could we live in the same home?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
When you break up, what do you have to do? You have to warn them by acting a little weird. ‘Cause they don’t know it’s coming. Everything’s great. Before the next step, we should be doing the next thing. So, you act weird. You try to warn them. It’s never worked in the history of every relationship. You… you text less, you make less plans, right? I’ll do weird things. I’ll… I’ll give them a different name during sex.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Never works. They don’t even know. They’ll be like, “Ooh, role-play.” You’re like, “Ugh, fuck!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Every time I’ve acted weird, it never turns into getting dumped or a conversation. It’s just, “You’re acting weird!” And I’m always like, “Yeah, I would dump me if I were you.” [CROWD LAUGHING]
And then they’re like… [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY] And I’m like… [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
It’s so stupid ’cause then all you got left are vague reasons. Vague reasons. And I’ve learned one thing as a man. Vague reasons aren’t good enough for any woman in a breakup. You gotta have good reasons. Reasons they go to the brunch table and be like, “He said he hates my grandmother.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You need good reasons. I have vague reasons, and they never work. It’ll be like, “I’m busy,” or something. You know? Or like, “It’s not you. It’s me.” “The timing’s off.” And they’re like a zombie. They keep coming at me. Right? I’m a fat cop with bad aim.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Just like, “The timing’s off.” “We can make time.” “It’s not you. It’s me.” “It’s a little bit me.”
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
And then my friend got left by his fiancée. Right around the same time I left my ex. He called me. He goes, “The wedding’s off.” And I go, “What happened?” He goes, “She said she’s bisexual.” I had just spent a month breaking up. My first thought was, “Fuck.” “I should have said bisexual.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
It worked for her! A whole wedding canceled. But bi would only work for a woman. It could never work… If I… And it’s bullshit. Some of you are like. “That’s offensive.” It’s not offensive. If my girlfriend was like, “I’m leaving because I’m bi,” I’d be like, “I’m still in the game here.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Bi? But bi’s a half-breakup, just like clapping when the plane lands, just like, “It’s not you. It’s me.” If I said bi, I’d be like, “I’m bi.” She’d keep coming at me. She’d be like, “Let’s go suck a dick.” [CHUCKLING]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“My friend Cameron is experimenting.” “He’s got soft hands.” That’s the thing you learn from every breakup before the next step. You can’t turn off your girlfriend. You can’t. Unturnoffable. You can turn off a woman. That’s easy.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I didn’t realize how easy it was. My friend, she went on a date. I go, “How was the date?” She goes, “I had to leave early.” “I got ‘the ick.'” Look, every woman here knows exactly what I’m talking about.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I… I didn’t know. I thought she said a German word. I had no idea. I go, “What’s ‘the ick?'” “She goes, ‘When you go on a date, he does one thing, and you never want to fuck him ever.'”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I was like, “That’s the least relatable thing I’ve heard… in my entire life.” I was like, “What happened?” She goes, “We went to a park. He sat criss-cross applesauce.”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
That is the least relatable thing I have ever… I have never thought that I was criss-cross applesauce away from not fucking that night. I go, “Does this happen a lot?” She goes, “All the time.” She goes, “One time, a guy took me bowling. He did this too much.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
She goes, “Another time it was raining, and he hopped over a puddle.” What I love about “the ick” is it’s two people on two different pages. He’s bowling. He’s like, “Wait till she sees that strike.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
He hops over the puddle. He’s like, “Kept my socks dry!” And she’s sitting there like, “And my pussy.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m now collecting icks. I keep asking women for their icks. I’ve heard them allat this point. Tied his shoes bunny ears. Wouldn’t fuck him. Scooched into a booth. On the elliptical.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
One woman said the guy went to pay for the date, and all of a sudden she heard… [VOCALIZING] Velcro wallet.
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
I had a woman in Buffalo say to me, “I got ‘the ick’ ’cause I imagined him missing a bus and chasing it.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Some of you look like you didn’t follow along. He never missed the bus. That means he was like, “Hi, I’m Josh,” and she was like, “Can you imagine this loser missing a bus?” I wish I had known about “the ick.” One woman said she went swimming with a guy and he dove in badly. Every straight man wishes they’d known. I wish my summer camp counselors were like, “Put your hands together.” “You don’t know how important this is.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] She even once… What I love about “the ick”… I’d never yuck your ick. You’re allowed to have your ick. They’re… they’re reasonable and unreasonable at the same time. Like, I… I get it, but I don’t get it. There’s some that go against everything you’ve ever told men. One woman said she went ice skating with a guy. He was bad at it, so he used the penguin.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
It’s like, that guy’s doing everything you told us. He’s like, “You’re being vulnerable. Good for you.” “You went to therapy for this. Good job.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
One woman said she played ping-pong. The ball got away. He chased it like that. And that’s where it’s reasonable. This isn’t a fuckable look for a man. I don’t know a lot of women that are like, “You know what makes me wet?” “When a man runs like a toddler for the first time.” But then it’s unreasonable. What’s a fuckable way to chase a ping-pong ball? You… you can’t think of it. What’s he supposed to do? “Oh I got this shit, motherfucker.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] And that’s the thing. I would fuck you no matter what. A woman could be a walking ick. [CHUCKLING] A woman could come in my apartment while chasing a ping-pong ball. Farting the whole way. Just… [JARED FLATULATING] Pick her nose, hock a loogie, use the wrong form of “your.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And I’d be like, “Who is this angel?” [JARED CHUCKLING] I have no relation to “the ick.” I understand the feeling. Like, I think I got “the ick”, like in high school. Like when the teacher would match you with someone dumber for a group project. Right? That’s gotta be the feeling, right? They’re like, “You’re gonna be with Randy.” And you’re like, “Okay.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] “I’ll deal with Randy.” And then Randy forgets a pencil, is like “Okie dokie.” And you’re like f…
[CROWD LAUGHING]
But I’ve never gotten an ick on a date and not wanted to fuck a woman. I have… I have no relation to “the ick.” Every woman in here has a strong relationship with it. I’ve gotten “the oof.”
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
You guys look as clueless as I looked. Like, “Oof, I shouldn’t have fucked that chick. Fuck.” “She ordered milk with dinner.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“She’s unreasonable.” [CHUCKLING] I think about that a lot. Why do I get an oof and you get an ick? Why did “the ick” get such a great laugh? And “the oof,” no laugh at all?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“The ick,” you guys were into it. You guys were like, [TAUNTING] “We won’t fuck those dudes.” Then I did “the oof.” You guys were like, “That’s not very funny.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED LAUGHING] And I agree. “The oof” is mean. I’m not here to disagree. You’re right. But it comes… They’re both from fearful places, “the ick” and “the oof.” Right? I’m afraid of being unsuccessful, to button up the shirt of life, miss a button, have to unbutton the shirt of life, rebutton it again. To be older, poor, divorced, in a bar, paisley shirt, New Balance shoes.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Talking to young women outside of my generation about things I don’t care about or know about. Looking at a 25-year-old, like, “Yeah, Dua Lipa slaps.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] I think a lot of men relate to that fear. [CHUCKLING] Women in my life have the opposite fear, to never button up the shirt at all. Last married, last engaged, the cat woman cliché. I get that. So you deal with people like, “I’ll give him a shot.” And then they ick you up.
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
I think that’s our family. I go home for the holidays I get asked, “Are you killing it? Are you successful? How’s work?” My female friends, they go home they get asked, “Are you dating anyone new? Got a new guy?” I’ve never been asked about my relationship status. Like, maybe once, I have an uncle who’s like, “You fucking?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
So that’s why I break up before the next step. I’m avoiding a life oof. I’ve thought about this a lot. And I blame one group for being so fearful of oofs. Married men. Married men are the worst marketing team for marriage…
[CROWD LAUGHING]
…that you have ever come across. They’ll be standing next to their wives. They’ll look young men in the eyes. They’ll be like, “Don’t do it.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And then the wife is in on it, weirdly. She’s like, “Oh, Robert’s so funny!” And then he keeps going. He’s like, “Every morning is worse than the last.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And then she’s still laughing. She’s like, “Oh my God, he’s like a comedian, just like you.” And then he’s like… [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You ever watch a horror movie? They go to the gas station before the mountain they’ll get murdered on? And there’s that old guy who’s like, “You don’t wanna go there.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
That’s every married man I’ve ever met in my entire… “Don’t go to marriage mountain.” “There ain’t no blowjobs up there.” “There’s a lot of long-winded stories without an ending on that mountain.” “And you gotta go to bed at the same time.” So I was at this gender reveal party.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And I’m with all my friends who are married. They’re happy. They do that same married dude thing. “No, don’t do it. I was crushing on Tinder.” And I know they’re happy. But they’re all, like… They seem like they’ve, not settled, but they’re happy where they are. They’re with a partner, and they see good and bad, and then they go with it. I don’t go with it. That’s the problem. When you’re 37 and single, you have this, like, luxury of looking ahead. And it works against you. Like, the dating apps. I… I’m like the Google generation. We Google everything before we go. We Google the restaurant, make sure everything on the restaurant’s menu is amazing and wonderful and up our alley. We have no experiences that are below good. When you walk somewhere, you Google map the walk, even if you’ve done it 1,000 times. “I’ll get to 10K my way.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And now I’m doing that with people. I think about this. I should go to a bar. I’m talking to this woman. She’s beautiful, smart, wonderful, funny. Suddenly she’s like, “I gotta go.” I’m like, “I didn’t get your number.” And she gives me her number. I’m like, “What’s your name?” And she’s like, “I’m Darlene.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’d be like, “Holy shit, I’m about to go down on a Darlene.” “I hope it tastes like pot roast.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I like the way you guys got when I said “gender reveal party.” You immediately… I could hear your assholes clench up.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] That’s my most 37-year-old opinion. I love gender reveal parties. And I’m very 37. I don’t relate to any of the non-37-year-olds. I… I don’t relate to the 37-year-olds. My college friends, I talk to them. It’s as… it’s as weird as the Dua Lipa joke. I’ll be looking them in the eyes, they’ll be like, “I love the lighting in a Chase Bank.” And I’m like…
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] But I’m also not trying to be younger than I am. I’m very 37. If I’m at a bar, and I’m drinking, and I see a DJ start setting up…
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I react like a storm cloud is approaching the beach. I’m like, “Pack it up. Let’s go. We gotta go!” “Leave your phone. He’s white. It’s EDM. We gotta go!” I love gender reveal. I think it’s a great idea. I… I’ve aged into it. Uh, listen, what… what parties are there left at this age?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
What, your birthday? Grow up. Your new kitchen, the backsplash? Fuck off. Think of the premise. If my friend called me, was like, “Hey, wanna come over, get fucked up, see my life take a new direction?”
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
“Yes, I do.” I don’t care what the direction is. I want more reveal parties in general. “Hey, wanna come over, get fucked up, and see if I have diarrhea or not?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I think there should be pronoun reveal parties.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Look at ’em. So progressive, you don’t know how to fucking react.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
The pronoun discussion always goes negative. No one makes it positive. How great would that be? “Holy shit. They/them. Never would’ve thought.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Something about this tells me I should move to the suburbs. I’m so jealous of the suburbs people. Don’t they have the best mindset? Like, in cities, we have to deal with new things every week. New things. Everything’s problematic. Everything we gotta talk about. “The rats have anxiety now.” I wanna be as socially removed as a woman with a six-month-old child living in the suburbs. Is there… Is there anyone that knows what’s going on less than her? Look at her Instagram bio. It’s always the same. “Mother to an angel.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Wife to a prince.” “Lover of Jesus and wine.” That woman knows there’s a sickness killing hundreds of thousands of people? Her kid is named Raisin. She has no fucking clue.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“What is going on?” She’s living in mental Tahiti. I wish I was her. You ever see a city woman’s Instagram bio? Different vibe. City women Instagram bios are screaming at you. They’re like, “We have to help this community now!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[JARED CHUCKLING] This woman’s a highway away, like, “I love a cab.” They’re just living easier mentally. I… I gotta have a gender reveal party. I can tell, people don’t like them. I can tell, you don’t like them. I can see it. You’re very city. I can feel it. But I would argue you don’t hate a gender reveal party. That’s stupid to hate a party. That’s like hating this stool. You hate the people who throw them. That I would agree.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
The people who throw them are the least creative people in our country. It’s a very specific group. The “Live, Laugh, Love” section of the country… has taken ownership of a great party idea and they’ve ruined it with zero creativity whatsoever. They saw cake, pink or blue? “That’s not enough.” “I’m gonna take a Molotov cocktail.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“And I’m gonna throw it at the woods. Fuck you, California. Having a baby.” That’s not a creative. That’s an asshole. I am an artist. I’m an artist.
[WOMAN SCOFFING]
[JARED CHUCKLING]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I do realize it would be sad for someone new to walk in right now. Me yelling at 300 people next to a Chipotle… that I’m an artist, but I am. My gender reveal party would be creative. I would have all my friends over. You’ve met my friends without ever having met them. You’ve met versions of my friends. My friends are super alpha competitive douchebags. You’ve matched with all of my friends on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, all of them. They’re a shade under 5’8″.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
They went to a state school, but bragged they went to business school, as if you’re blown away. As if you’re like, “Oh my God. Indiana Business. Whoa!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[WOMAN WHOOPING] I’d have all the food, all the booze. They could choose a T-shirt. Some would have penises, some vaginas on them. That would be their team for the rest of the day. And then they compete in events. Chess, checkers, ping-pong, 3-on-3 basketball. They’d get into it. Women on penis team would be like, “Come on, cocks!” The man on the vagina team would only eat the tacos. Licking them from the middle, eyeballing you.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I told you they’re douchebags. I told you. And if it got close, the final event will be a climbing event. One representative from each team would climb this Aggro Crag mountain. And whoever got to the top first would get to read the big reveal. The gender of my child. And by that point, everyone would be so drunk, so fucked up, they’d be like, “Read it!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Some woman, she’d be hammered. She’d stagger over from the bar, she’d be like, “Come on.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Cock or clit?”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
And whoever got there first, they’d be all out of breath… [PANTING] “The baby… is whatever gender they choose.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Everyone here should be ashamed of themselves.” “Today’s events have been filmed.” “A copy is being sent to your boss.” “We’ll be offering sensitivity training after the party.” “If you think you don’t need it, why didn’t you choose the blank T-shirt that was offered?” “Or eat the gender-neutral foods, like the turkey sandwich?” “We just want a better future for them!” “Also, just kidding. We aborted.”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
[CROWD CHEERING]
I told you. I’m a creative. What’s more creative than a gender reveal party that ends with no baby?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
My wife’s on top of the crag, chugging a beer. She pulls a pillow out from under her dress. She’s like, “We got you, motherfuckers!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Your friends are like, “How was the party?” “You’re not gonna fucking believe this.” “There is no baby.” “I got a new T-shirt and a fantastic workout.” I like that joke.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
The only way it works is if we all share the very similar fear is that we can go to a friend’s party, the lights turn on, and someone be like, “You’re canceled, bitch.” Isn’t that crazy that we all have the same fear, that we could be canceled by a friend? To laugh at something so stupid? I’m here tonight to tell you not to worry. No one in this room will ever be canceled. [WOMAN WHOOPING] One person believes me.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
We’re good. No one here. Only successful people get canceled.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
What would they take from us? Your Kohl’s Cash? Your Spirit Airlines points? Cancelling is when us normals take the successfuls down from the heavens and make them live our lives. Your life is the most horrific thing that could ever happen to Kim Kardashian.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
She’d be like, “Fly commercial now!” “The cheapest Uber, please!” [JARED CHUCKLING] People get weird when they’re not gonna get canceled. I’ve thought about it. What’s the worst thing I’ve ever done? What would get me canceled? About two years ago…
[CROWD LAUGHING]
…I masturbated at a hotel in Richmond, Virginia. Okay, some of you… [CHUCKLING]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
It wasn’t the lobby. They weren’t like, “Checking in?” “Yeah, let me get my credit ca…” [SHOUTING]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
It was in my room. And when I came to, I realized the curtains were wide-open. Other rooms could see into my room. I got anxious. What if someone saw, pulled out their phone, started taping? Who would report on such a story?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
What group is mobilized to cancel me from that story? What’s even the headline? “Little-known comedian… sweats from masturbation.” “So out of shape, his Apple Watch asked if he went for a walk.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
This isn’t me saying I like cancellation. I hate when it happens to millennials. I’m a millennial. If you’re a millennial, I’m sure you hate it too. ‘Cause millennials, we got fucked.
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
Editor for Teen Vogue, she’s right around my age, okay? She had old tweets come out. She got fired from Teen Vogue because old tweets were found by Gen Z kids. Gen Z canceling millennial? Fuck off.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
That’s not fair. Gen Z was brought up with this future in mind. Their whole lives, “Don’t tweet, don’t post, don’t take the picture.” I think that was a nursery rhyme for them.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I was in college taking a shit off the second-floor landing… of my fraternity. Looking at my buddy, being like, “Take a picture!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Yeah, post it on Facebook!” “This is hilarious.” “Wait ’till the shit comes out. Tag it as my ex.”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
We weren’t warned. Millennial warnings have aged so fucking badly. “Don’t get in a stranger’s van.” You know how I got here tonight? A stranger’s fucking van. I even ate the candy.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
The most annoying thing that was said to me at the gender reveal party…
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
I had one friend that told me, and I hate this advice. “You gotta love yourself… before you can love someone else.” That is the biggest, hottest garbage take. All these people in relationships love themselves?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Have they looked at themselves? They love themselves. I’m not getting there. I don’t know about you. Like, I love myself 100%. Boy, this crowd feels like they really love themselves.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’ve been trying to lose ten pounds my whole life. If you laughed at that, we’re immediately connected. If you didn’t laugh at that, I don’t know what you think about on a daily basis.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
True story. I was born on a Thursday. Then Friday, I look at my mom, and I was like, “Okay, we start Monday.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“It’s enough of the titty milk. We gotta have one… one more fun weekend, then we gotta get out of the stroller, we gotta be more active.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And I know I look fine. I know that, like, there’s a guy in here where I’m his goal weight. I know. [JARED CHUCKLING] He’s looking at me like, “Ugh, I looked like a high school wrestling coach.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I understand that. But everyone here has body issues. We all did the same thing tonight. All of us got dressed the same way. We put on a shirt, looked in the mirror while standing in a way we have never stood before. I put this shirt on. I was like, “Whoa, you’re ready, man.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Look at that. Flat stomach, no neck.” “Ears touching shoulders. That’s how you stand all the time.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I… I know what to eat, but I’ll never eat healthy. I just know that. Like, I… I’ll never be healthy. I hate healthy people. I think they’re annoying. Right? And there’s no straight male support for losing weight. No one cares. Right? There’s no forums. There’s no websites or community. I went on Reddit. They’re not very nice there.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I told my brother I felt fat. He laughed right in my face. If a woman says she feels fat, a prayer group opens up. Go look outside of a Lululemon. You’ll see women just… [VOCALIZING] A woman could go to the woods and be like, “I feel fat.” All her friends would show up. If I went to the woods, like, “I feel fat,” one of my buddies would pop out, be like, “And you got titties.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’ll never be a healthy person. They look ridiculous. The… the big water bottle people can go fuck themselves. Those are the judgiest monsters I’ve ever seen. Doesn’t it feel like you could never drink as much water as them? They pull up casually. They’re like, “Oh, you don’t hydrate? You’re just…” “You’re just a fat piece of shit pig loser?” “You gotta hydrate. Look at us the times of the day.” “9:00 a.m., I’m better than you. 10:00 a.m., I’m better than you.” “11:01, I pee. 11:02, I pee. 11:03, I pee. 11:04, I pee.” It’s the casual nature of a very not casual bottle that bothers me. They pull up like it’s nothing. “Yeah, just got back from Tulum.” “They didn’t even make me check it. It’s my emotional support hydro flask.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
This… they bought this because something bad happened in their lives. This was bought instead of therapy. This is what’s going on. And they never admit to that. I met my friend. She was dragging it. I thought she won the Stanley Cup. She was like, “Hi!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Hey!” Just explain it. Just tell me. “Hey, I called my boss ‘Mom’ by accident.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“I bought this on Amazon just in case.” Like, “Hey, I slept over at a guy’s place.” “I tried to fart, a little doody came out, so I bought this.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m a drinker. That’s a big issue. I’m a big drinker. I… I used to black out. Anybody a blackout person?
[CROWD CHEERING]
Okay. Some of you are sitting with someone. Like, “You gonna speak up?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I used to blackout. Now I drink less so I brownout. Do we know the difference? Blackout, you wake up and remember nothing. Brownout, you remember little things throughout the day. Much fucking worse.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
‘Cause those memories are coming. You don’t know when. It’ll be the next day, ordering lunch, “I’ll have a chicken… Fuck.” “Oh God. I said the word ‘vivacious’ last night.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Did I tell a woman I can pull off capris?” I know what to eat. I just never eat it. I can make any meal healthy after I’ve eaten it.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Ever market a meal to yourself? I ate a whole pizza once, the words came out of me. I ate a whole pizza. I went, “Don’t worry, it was a thin crust.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I can do that with any meal. Milkshake? “Dairy’s good.” Chicken fingers? “Protein.” Bottle of wine? “Great for the heart.” Line of Adderall? “I had to focus.” Look, I think everything in Trader Joe’s is healthy just because it’s at Trader Joe’s. There isn’t one Trader Joe’s item I would believe to be unhealthy. Trader Joe’s could have a lasagna pie cookie cake, and I’d be holding it like, “Wow. All natural.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Fucking TJ’s did it again.” I switched from Reese’s to Justin’s, and I thought I’d have abs. Okay, that’s a disposable income joke.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
If you understood that joke, you have money. Good for you. If you didn’t get that joke, good luck with the gas prices.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
My true addiction is nighttime eating. It’s a weird addiction because usually, addictions don’t get whooed. Anything where, if you don’t get it, you become a different person, that’s an addiction to me. Definitely addicted to nighttime eating. Been doing it my whole life. If you’re a nighttime eater, you’ve been doing the same things as me. Sneaking downstairs… making a pu pu platter of every snack in the house. The weirdest combinations of foods. Handful of Triscuits, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, dollop of hummus, one slice of cheese.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And then you take that pu pu platter, you bring it upstairs. You’re happy as can be. Like a Sonic waitress, you’re walking up.
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
You get in your room. You go, “That’s enough. That’s your snack. You’re done.” And then you do that cycle 30 times throughout the night. Right? Down the stairs, pu pu platter, up the stairs, pep talk. Down the stairs, pu pu platter, up the stairs, pep talk. You’re like a mouse sneaking around the house. You’re Fatatouille, sneaking around all night long.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I love talking about nighttime eating, ’cause I can see who’s connecting with me. I see the nighttime eaters. I see it in your eyes. We’re connecting in a wild way. I can feel it. Because you do exactly what I do. I can see it. There’s also some of you who don’t nighttime eat, and you’re here too.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
We call you assholes. Because you’re the ones we’re sneaking around from. Isn’t that sad? Someone you love can’t trust you with who they really are? I watched some of you poke your partner in the most vulnerable spot on their body. You’re like, “He’s talking about you, you fat fuck!” There’s nothing more embarrassing than getting caught by someone when you’re a nighttime eater. Right? It’s just you in the glow of the fridge.
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
They ask you questions that you don’t have an answer for. I was ten years old. My mom caught me. She goes, “Didn’t you eat dinner?” I was like “You were there, bitch.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
She goes, “Why didn’t you eat enough?” “Maybe you didn’t make enough!” “I could have child services on the line in two seconds.” You wanna boogie?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I didn’t realize it was an addiction until the pandemic. I was staying with my parents in Boca. Jews?
And then…
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
The Jews know Boca. I… [CHUCKLING] I love bringing up Boca during shows, ’cause Jews know it right away in some places and don’t know it at all in other places. I said that same thing in Springfield, Missouri. I go, “I was in Boca. Jews?” And one guy in a cowboy hat stood up and went, “What the fuck is Boca?”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
And I was like, “That’s where we control the weather from, sir.” I love going to Boca. It’s my favorite place in the world. I love being around older Jewish women. That’s my favorite group.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
The best complainers in the world. I’ve watched every Karen video. I’ve watched every one. You know, those Karen videos? White, Midwestern ladies yelling at Walmart employees. After every single one, I had the same thought, as a Jew. Amateur hour.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
They were complaining at people. That’s not how Jews complain. Jews complain at people they know, and then above the treeline of the people they don’t know. That’s how my mom does it. My mom once walked into a hotel. I was in the lobby. She didn’t see me. She walks in. She goes, “Freezing!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And then my dad walked up beside her. She goes, “You’re wearing those pants!” And then there was a line at check-in. She goes, “The line!” It was a complaint sniper took out the whole fucking room. It was like complaint Rambo with a fire torch, like… [VOCALIZING] I was hiding. I was like, “I think she’s out of ammo.” I got up. She’s like, “You look heavy.” I was like, “Ow, got me!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I look to Jewish women in times of need. I was at the Delta Sky Club at JFK. The people who like the Justin’s joke will understand.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m at the Delta Sky Club at JFK. There’s an escalator that goes up to the front desk at the Delta Sky Club at JFK. I get up there at 6:00 a.m. There’s no one there. I get it. They’re short on staff, much like all companies are short on staff. I wait. 30 minutes later, me and 20 other people, everyone did the same thing. They got up the escalator, saw nobody was there, pulled off, waited politely. All of a sudden… Older Jewish woman comes up the escalator. I saw her, legitimately thought to myself, “Oh thank goodness.” She’ll complain.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I am not exaggerating even an ounce. She got one step off the escalator, she goes, “What’s happening?!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
That woman is my Batman. That was like I took a flashlight, shined it at the Moon. There was an outline of a bagel and lox. Karen Goldstein came surfing in on matzah. And she did the same thing as my mom. Just went to complain. “What’s happening?! Who leaves the desk at this hour?!” “How does someone take a shit for this long?!” And then she looks right at me. She’s like, “You look heavy!” I was like, “Ow! Got me again. Fuck!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I never thought that story would offend anyone. And I told it in Washington, DC. A woman stood up. She goes, “What about Greek women?”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I was like, “What do you mean?” She’s like, “We’re good complainers too!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And I go, “Well, you standing up at a show and yelling at me kind of throws your hat into the ring.” And she’s right. Who am I to say that Jews are the best complainers in the world? We need to have an older woman complaining Olympics. Invite them all. We’ll invite her yaya. Your aunties, your tías, your nonnas. Your bubbies. We’ll put them all in a hot restaurant.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Whoever makes the hostess cry first… wins. I’m honestly interested. I wanna see how women complain around the world. I would love to see how older women complain in every country. I wanna have a travel show. I wanna go country to country. Don’t you wonder? What does a German woman complain about? What? Probably Jews, but I… So I was in Boca when I figured out that I was addicted to nighttime eating. ‘Cause I was staying with my parents during the pandemic. My parents have a house and a separated pool house. We’re very rich.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
The rumors of my people are true. So it’s 2:00 a.m. I’m gonna do my thing. Pu pu platter. Fatatouille. Let’s fucking go.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I go outside. I go to the house. I go to the side door. Locked. The front-door. Locked. The back door. Locked. Go back to the front door. New code… [BEEPING] Locked. My first reaction was, “That fucking bitch.” And I’m talking about my mom. I love my mom. I don’t talk about her that way. That’s an addict. I’ve become a different person. Who’s wrong in that scenario? The woman who locked her doors, or me, a half naked, 37-year-old man, who is now storming the perimeter… of a home? It was January 6. I had the wolves hat on. I had a lacrosse stick in my hand. I’m like, “Gimme that Pirate’s Booty, motherfucker.” “Caramelized onion dip! Slice of cheese!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You might not be a nighttime eater, but you’re probably a drunk eater. I’m even worse when I’m drunk. I… I took six months off of drinking ’cause I drunk eat. That’s the worst reason to stop drinking. I can’t go to AA with that story.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
AA, I imagine, they have amazing stories. What would I say? “Jared, what’s your tale?” “I get a little hungry.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’ll never forget the worst I ever got was Dallas, Texas. I got so fucked up. So fucked up. It was a show. Hot show. I leave. I go to Postmates. I don’t care what delivery app you use. I use Postmates. All I need from my delivery app is a cartoon vehicle that I can follow… from restaurant to mouth. That’s when you know you have an emotional issue with food, when that cartoon vehicle holds your whole status within it. Right? If it takes a wrong turn, I’m sitting there, “No, no, no, no!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“No, no, no, no, no, no!” I react… If that takes a certain… It’s like bringing my new heart for a transplant. I am fucked up by that bike. I’m watching the bike, the bike idles. I get a text. “Your order’s been canceled by the restaurant.”
[CROWD MUTTERING]
Appropriate response.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I was distraught. I was in the lobby of the hotel. I’m like, “Fuck this. Fucking garbage. Fucking town.” “Who the fuck… This fucking restaurant.” All of a sudden, I’m outside. I don’t even know how I got there. [CROWD LAUGHING]
I open up Google Maps. There’s a McDonald’s .3 miles away. I saw that, immediately started running. I’m now running to get food. Do we see how bad this has gotten? I’m exercising to eat late night, the sucking-dick-for-crack of my addiction.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m running towards the McDonald’s. The Golden Arches are coming at me. There’s a homeless woman outside. She’s freaking the fuck out. She’s going, “McDonald! Micky D! McDonald! Micky D!” She was like a homeless rooster.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m not trying to minimize homelessness. It’s a huge issue in the whole country. But I’m also not fixing it that night.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
‘Cause I got close to her. I juked the fuck out of her. I broke that bitch’s ankles. [CHUCKLING] I threw a quarter over my shoulder. I was like, “Good luck!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I go to the side door of the McDonald’s. Locked. I’m back in Boca.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I freak out the homeless woman the same way I did my mom. “That homeless bitch!” And then I see that the drive-thru is still operating. I saw my reflection in the window of that McDonald’s that night. I said, “Jared, you’re walking through the drive-thru.” I don’t know who here has walked through a drive-thru before.
[CROWD WHOOPING]
There are my alcoholics. Thank you. Right. ‘Cause You’ve never walked through a drive-thru at a high point in life. It’s never, “Got my tie on. Got my briefcase.” “Just gonna hoof it on through for some Egg McMuffs before the big promosh!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
No. When you walk through a drive-thru, you’re fucked up. I started doing weird stuff to fit in. Making myself big. “Nothing to see here.”
[CROWD LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
“Just a Mini Cooper.” The guy in front of me looked in his rearview mirror. I explained myself to him. He couldn’t even hear me. I’m like, “The kids woke up.” “Getting ’em Happy Meals. I’m a cool dad!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
So there’s two speakers that lead to one line. We all understand the config. I go to the outside speaker. I go, “Hello!” “McDonald’s!” No one’s answering. I’m so fucked up, I’m like, “Maybe the sensors can’t see me ’cause I’m not a Ford F-150.” So I back up to get big, to trip off sensors that I don’t even know if they exist. I just made them up. And I’m not sure if they’re in the sky or the ground, so I’m going “Hello!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“McDonald’s!” At this moment, the homeless woman goes to the other speaker. She starts screaming, “McDonald! Micky D! McDonald! Micky D!” So now we have a rooster and an eagle. I see her. I freak out. I’m like, “Get the fuck outta here!” “You’re ruining everything! They think you’re crazy!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
It’s like, “You’re crazy.” “No, no, no, Jared, weare now crazy.” People in McDonald’s looking out the window, like, “Oh my God, there’s two of them now.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
“Guys, there’s a bum fight. I… I… I think one’s a newer bum.” “He looks like the coach of the high school wrestling team.” “Is he Jewish? Oh my God, the pandemic’s been hard on everyone, apparently.”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
So then I ran away. I ran away. She chased me. I’m not exaggerating. She’s going, “Hey!” I go, “Get the fuck away!” She goes, “Hey!” I go, “What?” She goes, “You look heavy.” “Ow! Got me again. Fuck!”
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I’m Jared Freid. Thank you guys so much.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Thank you all for coming.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[JARED] Thank you, thank you, thank you. [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Look at this dungy place. Every place is that. I wouldn’t stay there at The Standard anymore. You don’t like it there? Every hotel here? This is another thing. This is another thing. It’s crowd… The line was so crazy. I said, “It’s Christmastime. It’s very busy.”
It’s not Christmastime.
Now he says it’s not Christmastime.
It’s like, do you live on the beach?
Right. On the beach. Mommy thinks these people are in New York because of Christmas.
Yes.
Not yet.
[JARED] Times Square.
Not yet. He goes, “It’s not Christmastime.”
When are the Rockettes here?
They’re here now. I would’ve liked to have gone.
It is. Well, that’s the truth.
Five-deep at Katz’s. “Do you want… What kind of diet soda?” “I don’t care.” How simple is that? This is why I brought you. To keep my stress down. She knows I like diet cherry. I am waiting in line, trying to order, and she’s yelling, “Have them melt some melted Muenster.” They put mustard in it. “No, I want mayonnaise. Do my bread again.” You guys should go on stage and talk about your Katz’s experience to open up. They never saw a show like Dad and I. [INDISTINCT CHATTER] The proud parent. Dad does something with his mouth.
What does he do?
Smile. No, he laughs while you take a picture. He goes… He’s not natural. [JARED GIGGLING]
Jared, you took the worst ones.
What am I supposed to do?
[MAN] That’s not what we look like.
[JARED] That’s not… Yeah. One more? Okay. Open your eyes.
[MAN] I look extremely relaxed.
Yeah. I can’t. Go do Dad. Dad looks good.
Get rid of those.
[JARED] Okay.
What you doing?
Yeah, I think the bachelors are coming. [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Well, have fun.
Do you want a beer?
Here comes your makeup, Jared. Bring a couple beers in case someone comes back here. Okay, cool.
[JARED] That’s good. Thank you.
I told them make you look tan.
[MUSIC FADES]
