(male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen! From Bakersfield, California, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you! Thank you! Wow! [high-pitched screech] [laughs] Oooh! Oh, yeah, I have no pressure.
Thank you so much, Bakersfield. I can’t thank you guys enough for making this a completely sold-out house here– at the Fox Theater. [loud cheering] Yeah, well, a lot of people around say, Where are you gonna do your special? When you get to do your special, where you gonna do it? And a couple people say, Well, are you gonna do it in New York, in L.A.? And I said You know, L.A., New York wasn’t where I got my start, in 1997, my first theater performance was right here on this very stage. [cheering and whistling] And I know some of you are looking at the background going, [high-pitched female] Okay, then if he’s showing Bakersfield love, how come he has a picture of Hawaii? [laughter] And just so you know, that’s not a picture of Hawaii, that’s a picture of the The Bluffs here in Bakersfield.
[wild cheering and whistling]
Woo! I love you guys, man. I have– I have way too many good memories here, man, some of them are kind of blurred because I was [birdlike noise]. You can’t hang out seriously here. You gotta be careful ’cause the Police here in Bakersfield, they don’t mess around. They will stop you for anything, man. They got me outside, [siren] (male voice over bullhorn) What are you doing? Walking. But I noticed something though. If you can make a cop laugh, they will work with you. But you gotta really make ’em laugh. You can’t just make ’em go, Ahh. You gotta make ’em, you know, [screech chuckle] I made a cop laugh so hard one time, he almost peed on himself. I know this ’cause he told me. He was, like, [Southern accent] You don’t understand. I damn near pissed myself. [laughter] And here in Bakersfield, man, it’s no different, man. I love every part of this town. I even love Oildale. Oh, yeah. And for everybody watching at home, going, What the hell is Oildale? [chuckles] [imitates banjo] Yeehaw! But I still love it, guys, I still love it. But yeah, man, drinking here in town, you gotta be careful ’cause some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can’t. And you have no clue. Guys especially. You know how it goes. We get loaded, we turn into one of three people. We’re either the I love you guy, I hate you guy, or the “mere” guy. You know that guy, right? Shh, hey! Mere. I know ’cause that’s me. Oh my God, I can’t handle alcohol. People, when they get drunk they say things they don’t mean. You know when I’m drunk you hear something like Woo! I’m going running. [laughter] You better cut me off. Aw, hell, yeah man. And when I drink, I only drink like regular alcohol. I don’t do beer. Beer just doesn’t–no. Beer makes me talk to my body. I don’t like that. When I get drunk on beer, I get weird. I’m, like– [breathes into mike] [low growl] What’s the matter? [laughter] [low growl] Hey! You said you could hang. [low growl] Don’t talk to me there! [brrr] You talkin’ shit too? [audience woos and cheers] That’s what I say. You just gotta be careful, you know.
And if you’re gonna drink and you are thinking about driving, don’t do it. It’s not a good idea ’cause like I say, You know when you’re drunk. You’re doing laps in the parking lot and you can’t find the exit. Hello? Some of you make it out to the streets, you know when you’re drunk, you’re like, [rrr rrr] Behind you you hear– [truck horn] [drunken slur] Shut up, stupid! If you hear the magical sound [siren] one of two things will pop into your head. Either, one: [drunken slur] I’m okay, I’m fine. I can beat this. Or, two: [siren] [drunken slur] I’m gonna go to jail. [laughter] I’m gonna go to jail! I’m gonna go to jail! I gotta let you go, babe. I gonna go to jail. Tell the kids I love them. Bye. [rrr] I’m gonna tell you right now, again, if you can make the Police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the– [rrr and screech]. Now, if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail, okay, you’re already–I’m gone. Have a little fun. [laughter] I don’t mean take off on a high speed pursuit. No, no, no, don’t do that. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get very far. I mean, if you’re drunk and you know you’re gonna go to jail, and you have tinted windows– have a little extra fun. Take off your seatbelt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt back on and just wait for the cop. [laughter] You have no idea how bad you’re gonna throw his ass off, you guys. He’s gonna come over to the driver’s side with a flashlight– And you’re sitting there… [laughter] [drunken slur] He was here a second ago. I don’t know where he went. [laughter] Excuse me? What?? Me drive? Aw, hell no, I’m fucked up.
[loud laughter] [cheering and whistling]
That’s sad because I know some of you are gonna try it. [laughter] [childish voice] Let’s do what the fat guy said! Do it! And for the record, I’m not fat. I’m Fluffy. [wild cheering] For those of you who still don’t know, there are five levels of fatness. Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and [shouts] Damn! I’m still number four. People go, How do you know when you’re number five? Well, ’cause people will tell you. If you try to get on an elevator that’s crowded and people stop you and go, Uh-uh. Damn! If you go to Disneyland and little kids want to ride–you! [laughter] [childish voice] I wanna get on that one. [deep growl] [child’s voice] Damn. Hey, I’m sorry, little kids are too honest, man. They’re like little alcoholics. I love Disneyland but they’re not fluffy-friendly. They’re not, man. They care about safety, you know, and that sucks, ’cause I could handle one bar. One bar, I’m cool. But now they got the whole–[clacking] If you’re fluffy, one of those is not gonna lock. You’re trying– People are in line, You can do it!
One time I took a trip with my buddy Mondo. A big guy, another big guy. And I went with him because his family, they decided to go and he didn’t want to be the only one hanging out by the strollers. [laughter] So we’re hanging out at the end of the day, my buddy Mondo goes, Dude, we should get on a ride! I go, Which one? We can’t get on none of them, dude, we’re too big. He goes, there’s a ride here at Disneyland that’s called Splash Mountain. I go, What is that? He goes, It’s a log and you get inside the log and it goes uphill, it goes down, and makes a splash. No seatbelt, no pull-bar. You just get in and go. I go, No seatbelt? No pull-bar? [high-pitched laugh] [laughter] So we get in line for our ride, we’re all pumped up, and I see people getting off the ride with these little note cards. I go, What are those? He goes, oh, they take a photo of you when you go downhill. Oh, okay, cool. So we get to the front of the line, and then we have to deal with the lady with the headset, the lady who takes her job way too serious. [high-pitched female] Okay, how many people? Four? Okay. Two here, two here. How many, five? Okay, three there, two there. We get to the front, How many peo–? [laughter] Who cares? We get our own boat. We take off. [beeping] [hissing] [chugging] [splashing] We’re splishing and splashing like little kids– [high-pitched laughter] Three minutes go by, the moment of truth, we get to the hill. [splash] [chugging] [chugging stops] [hissing] [laughter] My buddy Mondo turns around, he says, Dude, let’s flash the camera. [loud laughter] I said, You’re stupid. I’m down. [loud laughter] So as soon as they let us go, right? [hissing] [long howl] [loud laughter] [howl] [splash] We get off the ride, we are soaking wet, [screeching laughter] [squish, squish] We’re all rosado right here. We got a mean old baby rash. [squish squish]
We go to buy the picture, and there’s a lady behind the counter with her hand on the screen. [chuckles] And I ask my buddy Mondo, I said, Bro, what boat are we? He says, 22. I go, She’s covering 22! He goes, Oh, we better sneak out of here. Ho, yeah, we’re gonna sneak out. [squish squish] We get past the picture girl but then we get stopped by Disney Security. And you have not lived until you been stopped by a freaking man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse. This guy was like, [Southern male accent] Hold on! Hold on a second! Ma’am, move away your hand from the screen. You guys see what I see here? That’s a disgrace to this park! We can’t believe anyone could take such a photo. My question to you guys– Do you recognize the two big women in this picture? [laughter] And it wasn’t until we walked over to this photo that my buddy Armando and I realized something about ourselves. And that is that when two full-grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45-degree angle, with no shirts on, going like this, [laughter] we both look like sexy bitches. [laughter]
But again, if you’re gonna drink, just be careful, you guys. Some of you can handle, and some can’t– I got kicked out of a bar on Saint Patrick’s Day. I was performing at the bar. How do I get thrown out, right? I’m having fun, people are giving me free drinks. [high-pitched female] Here, have another drink. I’m, like, woo! I started pissing off the management and the owners of this Irish place that I was at. The bartender’s like, Hey, buddy, relax! Are you okay? Are you having a good time? I was so drunk I did this: [imitates Irish accent] I’m having a great time. People around me, Oh my God, are you Irish? I was, like, [imitates Irish accent] Aye! They’re, like, What part of Ireland are you from? Uh, downtown. Are you here by yourself? Oh, no, I’m not here by myself. Donkey! [laughter]
Now if you’re not laughing, you need to get out more often because that’s a funny joke. That’s hysterical. Ask a 10-year old, they’ll tell you, [childish voice] That’s funny! I did that joke one night at Memphis, Tennessee. And some guy thought he knew why it was funny. And he was way off but he confronted me outside, all drunk, [Southern accent] Hey, you! Fluffy! I’m, like, What? ‘Mere. No, you ‘mere. And he walks over and he says, I have to tell you your show was hysterical. I done near wet myself when you said ‘Donkey!’ My friend Rod didn’t laugh so I had to explain it to him and he thinks I’m wrong but I know I’m right. Could yah set the record straight? Sure, what’d you tell your friend? Okay, look here, I told him the reason why it was funnier than hell when you said ‘Donkey!’– it’s ’cause you’re Mexican. [laughter] And you people ride Donkeys!
Normally, I woulda been all over this guy but two things, one, I was in Memphis, Tennessee, no support. [laughter] And, two, the guy was drunk. I just don’t deal with drunk people, man, uh-uh. When it comes to drinking and women, ladies, when you go out, make sure you take one guy with you. You need to take one guy, even if he’s– [high-pitched] Oh, my God! You need one. [laughter] ‘Cause a group of you get together, there’s always one who will elect herself the team captain, right? Try to rally the troops? Get everybody together– [high-pitched] Okay, look, [laughs] check it out, this is a–shut up! [laughs] Okay, look, this is what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna take my car, so leave your car, my car, leave your car, ready, ready, let’s go. They get in the car– [motor noises]. They get to the club– [motor noises]. [clicking heels] [high-pitched] Oh no, my purse! [clicking] They go inside the club, they start jamming, having fun, [club music beat] (male voice) Oo-lah! [club music beat] End of the night, that same girl who’s been the leader, the captain, she gets more hammered than everybody. She’s the biggest hypocrite walking, now missing a shoe, purse, keys, friends, car. Look, some of you are pointing, “That’s you, bitch!” [laughter] End of the night, she’s stumbling out of the club, [high-pitched laughter] I gotta pee. Not anymore. [laughter] She’s on the curb crying, mascara’s coming down her face, [high-pitched] I’m so wasted. Who the hell is gonna want me now? That’s when I come out. [shriek] Wassup? [laughter]
I keep coming back to alcohol. I keep having these issues with it. Like, I got loaded one night, and I don’t know what happened, I accidentally wound up at this, um, “dance place”— gentlemen clubby place, right? I wasn’t driving, it was an accident. We pulled up to the place and– [motor noises]. [surprised] Ahhh! I knew where I was at. Even when you’re drunk, you could be drunk and blind, you know where you’re at, as long as you hear– [rapid music beat] [female screech] [laughter] I walked in there and I got recognized by one of the dancers. You gotta call them dancers or entertainers or they get mad at you. They’ll get mad. [high-pitched] I am not a stripper. Okay? I am an–entertainer. I’m like, Nooo, I’m an entertainer. You’re a nasty. Some girl recognizes you, [high-pitched] Oh my God! I know who you are! You’re famous! And I’m like, Oh, no. Oh, no. And some other dancer who’s spinning on a pole overheard “famous” and she stops. Just ee! [laughter] She walks over, Oh my God, you’re famous? Can I have your autograph? [drunken slur] You don’t even know me. I don’t care. Sign it! Okay, relax. What’s your name? Diamond. What’s your last name? Rodriguez. [laughter] To Diamond. With all my love and affection– Hurry up! I got mad so I wrote– George Lopez. [laughter] I was drunk. I didn’t care. I’m all loaded. She freaked out, she’s like– Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You’re George Lopez! I can’t help it, you guys, I was so drunk I did this, I said: [imitates George Lopez] I know, ha. [laughter] Ey! Ey, cabrona! Why you crying? Why you crying? [speaks Spanish] Esta loca. I won’t lie to you guys, George knows I do that. I don’t think he likes it. [laughter]
I’ve done that to a couple of other people, you know, I did that to Paul Rodriguez, and Paul was cool. Paul was really cool about it. He was, like, you know, [imitates Paul] Hey, I heard there’s a guy out there who knows how to talk like me. ls that you? I said, [imitates Paul] Yeah, that’s me. [laughter] [imitates Paul] That’s purty good! I said, [imitates George] I know, ha. [laughter] Hey, can you do Mencia? [imitates Mencia] Da-da-daa! [imitates Mencia] Da’s how you do it! Now, Carlos knows I do that, and he gets mad at me ’cause he goes [imitates Carlos] You gotta do it–better! No, sometimes I use my voices for evil, man, I won’t lie. If I don’t have my way, like, when I go to drive-thrus, and they screw up my order, [gasp] oh, I’m evil. I go back around and I start ordering but I throw them off by doing this. They’ll come on the speaker: (impersonal voice) Welcome to Fantastic Burger, how can I help you? I’ll do this: [high-pitched girl] Hello, sir? [laughs] Hi! Can I please have a double cheeseburger, an order of fries and a shake? [laughs] Double cheeseburger, order of fries and a shake. [girl] Oh, my God! Yes! Thank you, pull up to the window. Then I pull up. Oh, they’re not expecting–me. [laughter] [rrr, brakes screech] Oh, the look on their face is the best, right? (guy’s voice) Did you just order? They come back with a bag of food, Um, would you like ketchup? That’s where I let ’em have it. [high-pitched] Oh, my God, yes! [laughs] Hell, yeah, man. Oh, by the way, before I forget, I know I have a habit on my shows of sometimes throwing a little Spanish in there. If you don’t understand Spanish, I do apologize, okay? I promise I will be translating. I don’t want anybody freaking out or reporting me to the management with concerns or issues, you know. [male Southern accent] What the hell is going on in there! What kind of show is this? Now somebody better hit the SAP button on that son of a bitch real quick! I didn’t pay good money to hear some Samoan speak Spanish. I’m not Samoan, I’m–Fluffy. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Samoan, you know. And I’ve had this happen a couple times where people go, Are you Hawaiian? Why, no. It’s not just the shirt. I thought it was just the shirt but no, how can it just be a shirt? Just because you wear a freakin’ sombrero, that doesn’t make you Mexican. I see white people wearing a sarape, walking a donkey with a sombrero, you don’t look at ’em and go, Hola, amigo. No, you’re like, Hey, Ted. Hi. You know, and he’s walking around Hola. Come on. Come on, stupid donkey. Donkey! Come on. I don’t get it, man. But it’s funny though. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Hawaiian until I actually went to Hawaii, I found out that Hawaiian people actually look like swollen Mexicans. [laughter] They do! I got off the plane, I looked around, I was, like, [high-pitched] Oh, my God! My family! Even they were, like, Aloha brother, [unintelligible]. Orale! I loved Hawaii. Hawaii was great, man. They have a lot of different cultures there. They have a lot of Asian people. A lot. A lot of Koreans. I know this because I got a couple of shirts tailored at some places, and every time I go in, there’s always a Korean lady. An older Korean lady. Who was mean. l’d walk in and this one lady always had a comment to make. I’m there for a week and every day she had a different comment. I walk in one day and, I couldn’t say anything either ’cause she was 75 years old. I can’t say nothing back. But there I am, walking in. [ding-dong] The lady behind the counter, [imitates female Asian accent] Ohhh! Oh, looka who’s here. [laughter] Looka who’s here. Ohhh, shit, we gonna worka hard today. [laughter] [unintelligible] Whatever. [chuckles] Don’t make fun of me.
But I can handle it, you know. I can handle it. People say, Gabriel, you go up there and you make fun of yourself. No, I don’t. I come up here and I tell you the things that I heard people say. There’s a difference. Sometimes I set myself up for jokes and I don’t realize it. Three years ago, I bought a Beetle. Not even thinking. [light laughter] That’s not the joke, shut up. [loud laughter] See, I can’t even tell you guys a story. [high-pitched laughter] Hmm. I wasn’t thinking, I bought the car ’cause it was affordable, economical, brand new freakin’ Beetle for, like, 1 7 grand. I was, like, [high-pitched screech] first new car. I go to show it off at my friend Martin’s house. I thought it was nice, I pull up, you know, [rrr, screech] Martiiin! He lives in the Hood, I don’t get out of the car. Across the street there are these gang members, they don’t really get into shooting people and stuff like that, they just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack. So I’m there in the Beetle and across the street I hear this, I’m, like, Martiiin! And over here, I hear– Orale. [laughter] Hey, what’s up, guys? How’s it going? (more distant voice) How’d you get in there ese. [laughter] Hurry up, Martin! [laughter] Two months later, I go back to pick him up. Now I’ve had some time to work on the car, I put some rims on it, some stickers, I put a chip in the motor so it goes faster. I thought I was bad, right? I pull up, [rrr, tires screech] [rrr, rrr] Martiiin! Orale! [laughter] Uh-uh, I’m not turning around. Hey. Uh-uh. Hey. I don’t see you. Yoo-hoo! [grrr] Hey! [grrr] What!! Check it out, hey, it’s the fat and the furious. [laughter] I didn’t even wait, man. [rrrrrr]
I got rid of that car, man. I traded it in and got myself a big old SUV. It was nice for a while. This car freakin’ sucked on mileage. I got 11 miles to the gallon. Oh, you cannot be bad-ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos, you can’t. [laughter] You can’t be at the stoplight trying to intimidate other cars, What? What, what, what? [rrrrrrrrr] Twenty bucks right there. Hell, no. But it was kind of cool. It had a GPS navigational system in it. An OnStar which is really cool. I’m driving, and all of a sudden this girl’s talking to me, [ping] (pleasant female voice) Right turn, up ahead. Whoa. [ping] At three quarter tenth of a mile, left turn. And I’m, like, Whatever you say, baby.
Being a big guy, I’ve noticed that people feel compelled to tell me certain things after shows. I get people that’ll pull me aside and go, Gabriel, you’re a very funny guy, you’re very talented, don’t you think, perhaps, you’re living a little excess in life? And I’m like, Well, I love to eat. Well, don’t you want to live to be a hundred? Well, not if I can’t eat tacos. Or as many as I want. A lot of people think that just because you work out and lift weights, and you eat right and you do what people tell you to do, that you’ll live a long life. Maybe you will, but, you know, why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were? I’ll measure by freakin’– you know what I mean? [cheering, whistling] What good is it to live to be a hundred but you didn’t do anything? You didn’t go out and kick it with friends, go out and get drunk at some club and wake up in an alley at one time? You know? What good is it? You stayed in the house and you were safe. And I lived to be a hundred. You know, I don’t know.
That’s why, I, um, I have a very big amount of respect for the crocodile hunter, rest in peace, but, come on, you guys, yeah, he died at 44 years old, but, he died doing what he loves to do. Not a lot of people can say that. If I die tomorrow from overeating, hoo-hoo, God bless me, that’s exactly how it was supposed to be. [cheering] You know how much adrenaline he had? Every single day, risking his life, you know how you feel when you’re about to cross the street and a car– [rrrrrr] and your ass almost gets hit, and you’re like– [screech] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! and then you’re hysterical. [high-pitched laughter] Oh, my God! I almost died. [laughs] Touch me. Touch me right here. Oh, my– And the rest of the day, you appreciate life, looking at the birds or the sky, [sings] You’re loving life. He did that every day. That’s why every day I try to live just a little bit of my life like I might not be here tomorrow. ‘Cause you never know. I don’t wanna die tomorrow knowing I coulda had a piece of cake tonight. Sure. That’s why people tell me Why don’t you work out? Why don’t you lift weights? What if I’m gonna die tomorrow? I don’t want to die sore. I wanna die full. When the coroner cuts me up, I want the whole room to smell like potato wedges. [laughter] And he’s gonna go, This guy knew how to live, right here, man. Good times.
But again, the crocodile hunter, I give him a lot of love, a lot of credit but people go, [high-pitched] It’s such a loss to the nature community, you know, he taught us so much about nature. And I got mad when I heard this lady on TV saying that he taught us a lot about nature and it was, like, No, he didn’t really teach a lot about nature, if you want to learn about nature, you watch Discovery channel or one of these nature programs where they have a guy on safari and he’s studying from afar. Crocodile hunter, no. Come on, every episode, [imitates Steve Irwin] Hey, how you doin’? Look over there, right there. It’s a “toiger.” That toiger weighs 800 pounds and it could kill a man in 10 seconds. I’m gonna touch it. [laughter] Hi, tiger. [grrr] Ow, he’s angry! He’s angry. Next episode, There’s a king cobra, the most venomous snake in all the planet. One “boite” and I’m dead. I’m gonna pick it up. [laughter] [hissing] He’s angry!
If he really wanted people to think he was out there, man, America, we should’ve borrowed him, and sent him to Iraq. With no gun, just a camera crew. Do you imagine how bad that woulda freaked out the enemy? You’re a freakin’ soldier working for Al-Qaeda and you’re out there, you know, [imitates Iraq accent, unintelligible] And he’s walking toward him wearing shorts, [laughter] [imitates Iraqi accent, unintelligible] Crikey! [Iraqi accent] What is crikey? What the hell is crikey? And he’s walking up to him, Hey! Look over there, It’s an Al-Qaeda member. An Iraqi soldier, one of the most dangerous creatures in all the planet. One push of a button and I’m gone! I’m gonna poke him with a stick. [scream] He’s angry! [laughter] I think he’s still angry.
Yeah, man, this country, I love living here in the United States. I can’t think of anywhere else l’d want to live. Some people say, Well, you’re Mexican. Wouldn’t you rather live in Mexico? [whistles, shouts] Uh–[laughs]. I love Mexico, just visiting, just visiting. I like it right here. That’s why it kind of bothers me whenever people go, (female voice) What is it like being a Latino comedian? I go, I don’t know, I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. (female voice) What’s the difference? The difference is my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo. [cheering]
It’s hard, you guys, you know. Lo español. You speak a little Spanish, it freaks people out. (female) Oh my God, he’s speaking Spanish. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching Spanish programming myself. Some of the stuff is really cool. My favorite thing are the commercials because they’re always about sex. You don’t even know what the product is until like the last two seconds. It’s always some model walking out all sexy, [rhythmic music beat] [sexy female voice] Hola. [rhythmic music beat] [sucks in air] Ay, què rico. [laughter] And on the 28th second, [shout and short gasp] Pepsi. And you’re sitting there, going, I gotta go get a Pepsi. Oh ho yeah! [laughs]
Oh my God! I have a thing for soda, I love it, man. I know they gave me water but– (female voice) Oh, a soda! I didn’t even see that right there. Excuse me, un momento. [laughter] Pepsi. [laughter] No, that’s actually diet, which is cool. I’m not on a diet, and it’s funny because people go, Why then do you drink diet soda? So I can eat regular cake. I love cake, man, are you kidding? By the way, I wanna thank the three people who brought me a cake personally. I have them in the back. I really appreciate it. That was very nice of you. The management and the promoters are freaking out there, like, Gabriel, why do they all bring you cake? I go, Because on TV I talked about one time how much I love cake. And so people bring it. My friend Mondo got mad, He’s, like, [Mexican male accent] Why don’t you talk about hookers?
Somebody asked me earlier too, they said, Gabriel, when you get to do your special, are you gonna do anything about the country, are you gonna talk about politics? Well, I’m gonna talk first of all about how I love this country, and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. I know that half the world right now thinks that our leader is the devil and most of us would agree. [laughter] He’s not–yeah. I don’t have to make fun of the president. He does it by himself. Okay? [whistling, clapping] He does it by himself. Every time he comes on TV, I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. Especially during press conferences, (high-pitched female voice) Mr. President. Question. It’s been over a year. What is your plan for Katrina? [imitates Bush’s voice] Ha! We’re gonna find her. [laughter] That’s right. And we’re gonna bring Katrina to justice. We have every reason to believe Katrina is connected to Al-Qaeda. Qaeda, Katrina, they both start with a “k.”
Our president got elected. I didn’t vote for him, but then again, I didn’t vote for the other guy either. I was just, like–. How Bush won is beyond me. Americans, we love to vote but we don’t vote for Presidents. We vote for things like American Idol. Because that’s fun. Voting for presidents is not fun. Voting for American– Shebang! Shebang! That’s what they should do for presidents. Just put both guys on TV for one hour, call it something catchy like “Who’s Gonna Run This Bitch?” You put ’em on TV for an hour, let ’em argue 30 minutes into the special, you put an 800 number on the screen, and say “Cast Your Vote.” [phone rings, click] You’ve reached the presidential hotline. For George Bush, press three. John Kerry, press four. Other options, press five. You don’t like either one? Press five. [beep] Please hold. [high-pitched voice hums U.S. national anthem] [rings and clicks] [imitates Clinton] [chuckles] I knew you’d be back. That’s right. You know you miss your daddy.
Oh, yeah. I’m such a dork. I don’t care. But I have fun though. One thing you guys definitely made possible is I have the ability now to travel and I never did that. I never used to travel until I became a comedian. I’m, like, Oh my God, there’s a whole other world out there. When I was hanging out in Florida, I got a chance to experience an amusement park that was a little different. It was an alternative park called Gatorland. It’s a real park, and I’ve met the owners and they’re really cool people but I gotta tell you : best part about this amusement park is they have a recording the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You call this park, this is what you hear. [phone rings and clicks] (male voice, Southern accent) Yeehaw! You’ve reached Gatorland, America’s premier gator extravaganza. You’ve seen ’em on TV, now come and see ’em live. Gatorland. You’re gonna love this park. Then he says this: Fer Spanish, press two. [laughter] Oh. I gotta hear this. [beep] I don’t speak Spanish but you’re gonna love this park. I was dyin’! I called him like ten times. Aw, it’s the best. I’m starting to sweat a little bit, huh. Too sexy, arrr.
I don’t care though, I have a lot of fun, you guys. You guys have made a lot of things possible. At the beginning, when I first started, coming here to Bakersfield, to the Fox Theater, I used to go to this taco place, up the way called Taco Loco— [cheering and whistling] And it’s still there. I love food on wheels, you know. But this taco place has taken it to the next level. They’re really really good there, they’re not paying me nothing, I’m just talking about ’em, but I go to order and these guys were kinda, you know– the girls were cool but the guys were mean. I try to order some food, I’m like– [thuds] Hello? And the guy is like, Què pasò, gordo wha’ you want? Wha’ you want?? Oh, hey, dude, can I get two tacos, chicken and a Coke? Okay. What else? [laughter] That’s it. Tsk, awww. Whatever, dude. But we had a lot of fun.
We got to promote on a lot of different radio stations here in town to get the word out to you guys about the show. They try to get me set up on the Spanish radio stations and I’ve done that in the past and it was okay. But the last few times I had to say no because they put me on the radio with a guy who’s like “from” Mexico. And I can speak Spanish but you put me up against somebody from the Motherland, hoo! I walk in the studio, I’m dealing with this one guy, right? We go on the air and he’s like [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Que paso! que paso! que paso! I meet that same guy in the hallway, he sounded just like that. Oh, hey, how’s it goin’? Que paso?! Are we on the air? No!! Why are you talking like that? Porque si!! And I freaked out ’cause you imagine this guy goes home talking like that to his wife and his kids? Come two, three o’clock in the morning, his wife maybe wants to do a little “something” and she tells her man, [female Mexican accent] Honey, tonight, when the kids are sleeping, what are you going to do to me? Que me vas a hacer? [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Quitarte los calzones para ver ese cuuulote! Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [unintelligible] està presentado por Pepsi! Sì [whoosh]. I know somebody who doesn’t speak Spanish is gonna go home and try it tonight. Sì. [whoosh] (high-pitched female] You better stop that. Sì. [whoosh].
Just have a little fun. Like I said, you guys, I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. A lot of things have been happening over the years. This past year I had the opportunity to be on a reality show and things kind of worked out a little weird. Well, but hey, all I can say is the winner is the winner, and he did what he did, and he got what he got. But hey, this ain’t bad for sixth place, is it? Huh? [cheers and whistling] Yeah, I’m not the last comic standing, but I’m the only one with a Comedy Central Special. [laughs]. I know my mom is here tonight. She’s like– [speaks Spanish]. I love my mom. She’s over here, you guys. Just say hi to her. Mom. [cheering and clapping] Right there. That little woman made me. And she tells everybody, (high-pitched female) No, he came out of here. Ay, hombre, this is the road to success.
She is not shy. She cracks me up though, man. She likes what I do because it’s working, but she still doesn’t get the jokes. It’s not that she doesn’t speak English, ’cause she speaks perfect English. She just doesn’t see me as a comedian. She sees me as her son. I can’t tell her a joke ’cause then she questions it and kills it. I could tell her something, like, Mom, why did the chicken cross the road? And I’ll get, (high-pitched female) Who let out the chicken? It’s a joke. It’s no joke, baboso, you know how much I pay for those chickens? Never mind. No, you never mind.
It’s cool, though, man. She’s seen me do a lot of things. A lot of people say, well, you gave your mom a shot, what about your dad? Well, he’s not in the picture. My father, um, ha, let’s put some beans out there, my father was a mariachi. Way–I swear to God–he was one of those straight-up you know, [ra-ta-ta-ta] And my mom hooked up with him about 30-plus years ago one night, and nine months later, tan-tan, and I came out– [laughter] So I have a vague memory of my father. I knew him until I was about maybe four years old. And then apparently they got the band back together and he took off. [laughter] I don’t remember exactly what he looks like, and sometimes I’ll take my mom out to dinner and I’ll go, Mom, I don’t mean to bug you about this, what does he look like? Do you have any photos I can get and idea and stuff? And my mom, she’s funny, she grabs a hot sauce. [high-pitched female] He looks like that. That’s funny, verdad? Eso està funny, verdad? [laughs and screeches] He look just like that. For those of you that don’t know, there’s a picture of a mariachi on the bottle of hot sauce. So, yeah, we’re doing okay.
Somebody asked me, they say, Well, on your first special that you got to do, you kept talking about this guy, this friend of yours named Felipe. ls he a real person? He is a real person. And he’s an old friend. Known him forever. But he’s one of these comedians who doesn’t know when to stop being funny. And that’s why it’s hard sometimes to hang out with the guy, ’cause you know, I know when to quit. Especially around cops, when I hear [gun cocks] the joke is over. If I hear [siren] you get an apology. My friend didn’t know when to draw the line and we were hanging out one day and sure enough a freakin’ cop got mad, (deep male voice) Oh, you think it’s real funny, huh? You think it’s easy to be a police officer? You see that scar? I got stabbed in ’92. See that? Bullet wound, ’96. What do you got to say about that? And I was, like, I have nothin’ to say about that. And my friend, Felipe, is, like, Oh, yeah? What are you doin’? Fool, watch this. [screech] What are you doin’? He grabs my shirt, pulls it up, tells the cop, Fool, you see those stretch marks? Doughnuts, 1996. I said, Dude, he’s gonna kill us. I know, fool, but it was funny, huh?
And speaking of that, I get pulled over by a cop one night, two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Alright? Don’t get ahead of me, watch, I made a left turn instead of making a right but I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I had a box, I was, like, [gasp] Oh, you’re gonna get it when you get home! Oh, you’ve been so bad. So–[female screech] you’re gonna get it. I’m not paying attention, I go the wrong way, right? [rrr] Sure enough– [siren] [shout] Ohhh! I pull over. [rrr and screech] Mm. Later. [ba-ba-ba] I’m sitting there patiently waiting and the cop is taking forever. I said, The hell with this, he’s taking too long. I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right? And–[mmmm] [lascivious chuckle] [mmm] [high-pitched screeches] Oh, I was gonna get nasty. And just as I was about to tear it up, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right? [deep male voice] You know why I stopped you? It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, ‘Cause you can smell it. Oh, he was dying, [deep male] Son of a bitch! Whatever, he let me go, man. So you just gotta be careful. If you can make a cop laugh, you got a chance.
This past year, I got to experience something else. I experienced my first Raiders game. [loud cheering, clapping, booing] Now, uh– hey, listen you guys, it takes a lot of nerve for me to say that after the season that happened last year that I’m a fan. And I became a fan last year. [cheering and whistling] You can hate it if you want, but you know what? Not only did I become a fan, I did a show in Oakland. And I made a couple of jokes and references about the team. And apparently there were two players in the audience. I didn’t know that. Maybe that’s why they lost. They shoulda been at home, practicing. But there were two there. And they confronted me outside. They were big guys like so, You got a problem with the Raiders, son? I’m, like, [screech] They grabbed me, picked me up, and pinned me against the wall. Oh, my God. Luckily, they fumbled me and I got away.
And people go, How do you come up with your material, Gabriel? How do you come up with the things you’re gonna say? Things happen to me and then instead of just going to a shrink, I suck it up and I come up here like when I did the joke about the freakin’ Volkswagen, I really used to own a Volkswagen. I didn’t just go, Let me see if this is funny. I had a Volkswagen. No, I lived it. People go, Why do you wear Hawaiian shirts? I’ve always worn Hawaiian shirts. Bottom line is simple. Why do I wear ’em? ‘Cause they fit. They’re colorful, and I’m sorry– When you wear a Hawaiian shirt and you’re living in the ghetto, people don’t think you’re up to no good. You’re not a gang member wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Nobody’s gonna take you serious, you know? [deep black male] Where you from? [male Hawaiian accent] Oh, Honolulu, eh. [laughter] You can’t be hard and colorful. [laughs] Uh-uh.
No way, man. And believe me, I’ve had my encounters. I had a little encounter one time on a plane. Some guy was getting a little weird, and I’m like, Uh-uh, no more for me. Every time I get on a plane, there’s always drama. Always. One time I’m flying to Florida and our plane got hit by lightning. Uh-huh. The plane drops 600 feet [whoosh] straight down. That was better than any ride you’ve ever been on. I don’t care who you are, you could’ve been freakin’ doin’ 20 years in prison, you killed a hundred people, you can be the baddest toughest dude ever. When you’re in a plane and it just drops out of the sky, [gasps] Woo! I was gay for five seconds. I’m not gonna lie! [screeches] [weeping] [screech] Oh, I was a brokeback Mexican, yes, I was. I was in touch with myself. It was funny, man.
Before I go, I got one more good story to tell you. I took a road trip about a year ago after I got rid of the Beetle in the SUV. Took a road trip from LA to Phoenix to go perform at this club. Let me tell you who was in the car. I’m driving, I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun. He’s another Fluffy guy, we call him Sexy Bitch. Well, I don’t call him that, his wife calls him that. [high-pitched Mexican female] He’s a sexy bitch! Anyway, in the back seat I got my friend, Martin. Next to him is my friend, Felipe. So we take off– [rrr] we’re on the 10 freeway, we’re passing all these Indian casinos– [rrr] [whoops Indian style]. Sorry, we’re stupid like that. Anyway, all of a sudden all these cars start passing me. [rrr rrr rrr] I’m getting annoyed ’cause I’m driving a [loud truck horn]. I said, Next car that tries to pass me, I’m not gonna let ’em. So I’m looking in the rear view mirror, waiting, looking, waiting, waiting, and I see a silver dot. The silver dot turned out to be a little car with two hoochies in it. Some of you guys are going, How do you know they’re hoochies? ‘Cause my friend Martin was in the back seat going, I feel a disturbance in the force. They try to go around and I cut ’em off. [rrr] [high-pitched laughter] I’m having fun, they’re back there– [light honk]. Whatever! [truck honk] My friend Felipe is in the back seat yelling at me, [male Mexican accent] Fool, what are you doing? Dude, don’t worry, I’m having fun. Gabriel, you’re gonna get pulled over. Dude, I’m okay, it’s cool. We’re arguing, going back and forth, I’m not paying attention. I don’t see a California highway patrol officer creeping up on us. All of a sudden I hear–[siren]. I look at the speedometer: one oh two. [audience ohhhs] Oh, I freaked out. [screeches]. I pulled over. [rrrrrrr] [braking sound] [psssssst] The little car that was behind me with the two hoochies, they got pulled over because they were going just as fast, [rrr and squeak] [laughter] I’m in the front seat of my car, freakin’ out. Oh my God, I’m gonna go to jail. I’m on the verge of tears. From the back seat, I hear my friend Felipe– Fool, what are you cryin’ for? What are you cryin’ for, fool? You’re not the one with weed in his pocket, are you? You have drugs in the car? I told you to slow down, didn’t l? But no! Picachu knows everything. Shoot! Everybody roll down your windows. [frrr frrr] Air out the car. Mondo, fart. Do something, man. The cop walks over to the window, looks in, sees my face, recognizes me from TV, he’s, like, Hey, I know you, you’re a comedian. Yeah, you’re that guy from Comedy Central. You’re the guy that does that joke about his friend at a hotel and you crank-call him and you call him a dirty Mexican, and then you go “But it was funny, huh?” Oh, I love that joke. That one and when you go, [high-pitched female] Chocolate cake! Ohh, I love that joke! I hate to do this to you but we got two cars involved. I need your license and registration. Okay, here you go. Here you go. So he takes my info, goes back to the car with the two girls in it, the whole time he’s back there, I tell everybody in the car, Check it out! He just recognized me from TV! Maybe if we have some fun with him, crack some jokes, maybe he won’t take the car. I don’t care if I get a ticket, but as long as he doesn’t take the car. Mondo, be silly, crack a joke. Martin, be funny. Felipe. [deep voice] What, fool? Shut the hell up! So the cop comes back to the car, What the hell were you doing out there? Before I could think of something funny to say, from the back seat I hear, “Fool, he was testing the suspension.” Oh, my God. This pothead’s gonna get me arrested. Officer, I’m sorry, that’s my friend, Felipe, that’s the guy from the special, the guy who says “But it was funny, huh?” He’s just trying to get me in trouble. I’m really sorry. Whatever. So he goes back to his squad car with my driver’s license, and he’s swiping it in a computer. The whole time he’s doing that, he’s being yelled at from the back seat of my car. Hey, officer, thank God you have a computer! Last week we got stopped in Mexico, that fool had a Rolodex. The cop starts dying. [laughs with screech]
I go, Oh, we got him going, we got him going. I told my buddy Mondo, Give me my CDs. I take out my Bad Boys II soundtrack, and I pop it in, track three is the theme song to Cops. I tell my friend, Felipe, Tell me when the cop starts walking. Okay, fool, here he comes. I crank that song as loud as I could. [static and beep] Ha! Bad boys, what you, what you, what you gonna do. [imitates beat music] Best part, now the cop is walking to the beat. [beat music] Even better than that, the two hoochies in the car can hear the music and they’re freakin’ out. They’re, like, [high-pitched] Oh my God, we’re gonna be on TV! The cop goes to the girls, gives them a ticket, lets them go. [rrrrr] Looks at our car and at this point, we’re halfway through the song, we’re, like, [sings reggae] ♫ Police no give Me no break ♫ [unintelligible] Got our arms out the window like a bunch of idiots. The cop is in the middle of the freeway, dying. [screech and laugh] He walks over to the window and he’s like, Shut it off! [screech] [click] Yes, sir. Hands me my license and the registration, and he tells me, Gabriel, I want you to do me a big favor, I want you to keep this tank under a hundred. You think you can do that? Uh-huh. Do that for me, keep on doing what you do, and you have yourself a nice day. But, but, that’s it? No ticket? No ticket. I don’t know what possessed me to look at this man and go, Why? [laughter] How come the girls got a ticket? And he tells me the coolest thing, he says, ‘Cause they couldn’t make me laugh.
[laughter] [cheering] Woo-whee! You don’t understand, Gabriel, I’ve been on the force now for 26 years. This is hands-down the funniest damn traffic stop I’ve ever been a part of. Do you have any idea how hard it is to give two sluts a ticket while listening to Cops? I damn near pissed myself I was laughing so hard. This is going in the books as one of the funniest things that ever happened to a police officer, I swear to God. The only story better than this one is a buddy of mine pulled over some fat guy that gave him doughnuts.
So he starts walking away, and just as I’m about to start the car, So does that mean I can keep my weed? [laughter] I turn around to yell at my friend, Too late, the cop is at the window, You wanna run that by me again, son? You heard what I said, fool. Oh, you think this a big joke, don’t you? You think that just because I gave your buddy here a break, I know who he is, I like what he does, I don’t know you, I don’t like you. Step out of the car. I turn around and my friend Felipe is, like, Whooo. I am so scared. And the cop pulls out his gun, [cocks gun] I’m freakin’ out, Oh my God! Back seat, my friend, Felipe: Whooo. Whooo. I am so scared. Fool, he is good. He is good. Then he points it at him. The look on my friend Felipe’s face, [gasp] [whispers] Priceless! Are you serious? Are you serious? I’m a-go to jail? The cop was like [cocks gun]– Nah, but that was funny, huh?
I love you, Bakersfield! Thank you!
(Martin) We’re gonna bring Gabriel back out to answer some questions for you. You guys wanna bring Gabriel back out? [wild cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, coming back to the stage, Gabriel Iglesias.
Thank you, Martin. You pulled it off bro, congratulations. I needed that the first time I– well, never mind. They want to ask you some questions, uh, Who we got first? This is a little different something we decided to do because there’s gonna be a DVD release with special features we figured why not, sometimes people do things and sometimes people wanna know information and rather than go on the Internet, you can ask the source. So, here’s you guys’ opportunity, anything you guys wanna ask me, go for it. What’s your name, homey? My name is Danny. Where you from? Visalia, California. Visalia in the house! Go ahead, Danny. This past summer I got on a rollercoaster, when I sat down, it went click, click, click. How many’d you get? Dude, I’m beyond clicks now. I don’t even get on. Like six years ago, bro, I could still go to Disneyland, and lean on–[grrr]. Now, I’m older, I hang out by the strollers. What’s your question, Patricia? How does your family feel about your success? Um, some of the family thinks that I’m doing pretty good. My mom is happy ’cause she’s got a car and it’s paid for. [laughter] There are some members of the family that think I’ve gone Hollywood, and I’m like, Okay. Some of the family members are really cool about it, and some are just kinda you know, hmmm. I love them all, but, you know, hey, whatever. Not everybody can get a check. [laughter] Hey, how you doin’? What’s your name? (Gabriel) JuIia! I know JuIia. You guys go back, eh? Way back. Like that? Like that. My question is to you, I know you’re making fun of me for having the runs and going to pee, and I know you have a girlfriend, I saw her, very pretty, but will you please marry me, my fluffy bunny? [audience goes oh!] “Fluffy bunny?” Wow. Girl, my girlfriend’s gonna jump you and my mom’s gonna help. Take one for the team. Thank you, though. Bye, now. Woo! [screech] Juan, Mexican name. Yeah. Què pasò. How you doin’, bro? Who’s your favorite stand-up and have you ever met him? My favorite stand-up comic, Robin Williams, and I met him last year.
Yeah. Thank you, man. What I was curious about is how you come up with your material. How do I come up with material? Uh, some people have writers, some comics are writers, I don’t know how to sit down and come up with funny stuff and then come out here and try to perform it. I usually react to things that are happening, like people getting up, walking to the bathroom, baboso. And it’s still the same guy, too. Things happen to me on a daily basis, and I find a way to make them funny, like, for example, sometimes at night, when I go to a drive-thru and they mess me up, I like to go back in line again, and mess with them. Like when they come on the speaker, Welcome to McDonaId’.s, how can I help you? I’ll just start messing with them. I’ll do like a girl voice and go, Oh my God, hi! [laughs] You don’t just write that, it’s kind of a spur of the moment type of thing. Then I come up here and tell the story. Everything you hear me talk about on the shows is usually a real story. How are you handling success? How am I handling it? I’ll let you know when this airs. I’ll let you know when the DVDs come out to see if I hang [unintelligible]. Honestly, bro, I don’t know how you would say how you’re handling it, I don’t forget where I’m from, that’s exactly why I wanted to do the special here because it was a– 1 0 years later type of thing. I still have my original best friend from way back in the day when I didn’t have comedy. When I would go spend Christmas at his house. And I have people that love me and care about me whether this happens or doesn’t happen. My brother will still let me sleep on his porch. So, it’s going good, man. Stay true to your roots. Thank you, bro. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy by the name of Fast Freddy. Fast Freddy has been coming out to see my shows for what, a good three, four years? 2000 you opened up for Weird Al Yankovic in San Diego. What year was that? Two thousand. So for six years, you have successfully stalked me. [laughter] [high-pitched cries] And made it to the special. This guy right here, is one of the greatest fans any entertainer could ever ask for. And he’s just been a really really nice guy. We did a show in Denver, Colorado, and he had his entire family reunion come to the show. And any time I said his name, they’re like, [screeches] But no, honestly dude, I appreciate your coming out tonight, and I’m gonna see to it you come out on the DVD, and you can burn it, make copies and give it to your friends and sell it at the Swap-Meet. But I really appreciate you and your wife always coming out to the shows. Man, you’ve shown a lot of love and I appreciate you showin’ the Hawaiian shirt. Oh, yeah. But what’s your question, bro? You’ve been all over the nation, performing. Where have been some of your favorite places to perform? I don’t wanna kiss butt but mmm, one of them. [wild cheering] Yeah. Uh, some favorite places have been like, um, Phoenix, Arizona, San Antonio, Texas, Houston, Texas, uh, Florida, all over Florida. Miami. New York. I’ve had a lot of fun places. One of the most interesting was in Canada. I performed for Canadians. Eh. They say “eh” more than gang members. How you doin’, eh? Orale, eh. I love performing everywhere. There are some places that l’d rather not go back, I won’t mention them in case they sell the CD and DVD there. What’s your name? Salvador. Salvador! It’s like a soap opera name. (girl voice) ¿ Donde vas? ¿Quièn eres? (male voice) Salvador. Just messin’ with you, bro. My question is, what’s your mom’s favorite dish that she taught you how to make or not? My mom’s favorite dish, that she would cook? Yeah. Uh, Jack I n the Box. Drive-thru. See, my mom, yeah, she’s Mexican, but she ole school Mexican, she didn’t even wanna cook. When I was a little kid, my mom would go play bingo, she still plays it and she’d come home at like one o’clock at night, and I’m like Mom, I’m hungry. (female Mexican accent) Let’s go. We’d go hit a Jack in the Box and it became a routine. When I was a little kid, I used to be like this, then, years later, Jack in the Box. Mom, what’s your favorite dish? Tamales! Oh, she’s getting mad, [imitates] Tamales! [laughter] Yeah, ’cause she’d make ’em once a year for Christmas and make me cook ’em with her, I’m tying the pinche tamales, I’m holding– [high-pitched] Amàrralos! I couldn’t take a bath because there’s a bunch of freakin’ corn husks in the tub because she’s letting them soak. I smell like culo but she don’t care. [high-pitched] I have to make tamales! Hey, Nick, what’s your question? What’s your favorite joke? What is my favorite joke? Oh, that’s a good question. Donkey! I know it’s not exactly a joke but it makes me laugh every time I say it. Hey! I actually told a joke, it’s not even a clean joke, my very first joke that I told, when I was 1 0 years old, I did a show at my elementary school, I went up on stage and I said this, I said, [unintelligible] I said, Why did the chicken cross the road? And the whole crowd said, Why? And I said, To check out the chicks. My name is Philip. It’s not really a question, I just wanna say thanks, I’m just out of the Marine Corp and I’ll tell you what, man, you brought a lot of laughter to us out there. [inaudible] So I just want to say thanks to you. [unintelligible] You kept us alive through some rough times. So thanks a lot, brother. [chuckles] I appreciate it, man. I’m glad you could make it here, bro. Huh? Tacos, later, what’s up? For Philip and everybody in the Marines, guys, let them hear it. All the troops!
[wild clapping and cheering]
Go ahead, man. Go ahead. Go ahead. [unintelligible] Ven p’acà. Get to the mike, pendejo. Come here. All night you wanna say something, now is your chance. You wanna scream. Ven p’acà. What have you been drinking all night? [unintelligible]? Budweiserrr. Bud Liiites. He even says it with an accent, huh? Budweiserrr! Bud Liiite! That’s the way you do it. That’s the way they allll do it. What’s your question? Where’s afterward? Last time I was here, we were told you were gonna be in one place and you were at another. I wanna take it from you. What are you asking? Where am I gonna be next? Where we all gonna go? After hours? Fuckin’ Denny’s. [unintelligible] East side? Hey. Hey. East side, north side, west side? south side? [unintelligible]. What’d you say? East side, north side, south side? Cabron, it’s cold, we’re gonna stay inside. I don’t know which one is that. Alright, I guess that’s it, you guys. Hey, listen, I really cannot express how touched I am that you guys sold out two shows tonight, here at the very first place where I started.
This special is gonna air on Comedy Central either June or July and you guys can say you were part of it, and hopefully it looks really nice on TV. Maybe they’ll cut off a pound or two. We’ll definitely be back here, give us about another year and we’ll be back to do it again, and I love you guys, thank you for showing love. Have a good night! Thank you! Captioned by Blue 105 www.blue105.com (male presenter) Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Fox Theater in beautiful downtown Bakersfield, put your hands together, show your love for Martin Moreno! [cheering and shouting] Woo! Bakersfield! How are you guys feeling tonight? [loud cheering] We got a packed house, thank you for coming out, thank you very much for the Latinos in the house. Muchas gracias. Where you at, Rosa? We got enough Latinos in here to start a march. That’s beautiful. Where’s the white people? Make some noise, white people! [loud cheering and shouting] Wow. We are not marching anywhere. [laughter] Get back to work! Where’s the black folks? Make some noise, black folks! [a few voices] [audience laughs] Alright, two! Well, that’s all we need to keep the white people distracted from the Latinos in the house. I love black folks. Black guys have got to be the coolest men on the planet. You know that? That’s right. I’ll tell you right now. A black guy could punk a white guy into some fashion. [laughter] A black guy could show up wearing a clown suit talking shit, it’s a clown suit, bitches! Honk honk, that’s my cell phone, n i g g a. [laughter] There’d be a white guy behind him, Holy shit, we gotta get a clown suit. They are cool. Latinos, we got it all twisted. We thought hard work was gonna do the trick. It’s hard work being Latino, right? You gotta sneak in through the desert, get a job without an I D, learn how to speak English. Black folks tried hard work for 200 years, you see where that shit got them. A boat showed up to Africa, it was a messed-up trip but a boat showed up. Can you imagine if a boat showed up in Mexico? Latinos would be running each other over, trying to get on. Vamonos, cabron, call your tio, it’s free, let’s go! Shit, you think we fit a lot of people in a car? Mess around and give us a boat? We’ll have people hanging from that anchor, Take me too! Oh, man, I talk a lot of shit. It looks like we got a lot of couples in the house. Couples, where you at? Make some noise, couples. [much shouting] Wow. Better you than me. I was married one time, had a traditional Latino Catholic wedding. Very traditional. My girlfriend was pregnant. [laughter] My son was the best man. It was traditional. I’m not doing it again though. And I knew marriage wasn’t for me, because at the wedding they were throwing minute rice. I knew it wasn’t gonna last, right? And my favorite part out of the whole wedding thing was the bachelor party. Are you kidding? Free beers, free lapdances, that’s a good time, right? Because strip clubs are expensive when you gotta pay, right? You got a big ol’ cover charge, you get all mad, I shoulda brought the VIP tickets I got last week. You walk in, beers are eight bucks, lapdances are 25 bucks, and then they trick you, two for one, two for one, but then the song’s over in one minute. What the hell is that? Who’s doing the music here? DJ ComeQuick? This is bullshit. It’s horrible. That is why I like strip clubs in Mexico. That is the shit right there. [cheering] And if you haven’t gone, you owe it to yourselves to take a vacation, just to check it out. [light laughter] Everybody is welcome in the Mexican strip club. You got your wife, you got your kids, come on in, they don’t care. First of all, there’.s no cover charge. There’s a midget about that big, just recruiting people. He’s got horns, whistles, make it look like a carnival. Come on in! You walk in, no cover charge. Two-dollar beers. One-dollar shooters. Lapdances, 25 bucks, but every lapdance has a happy ending. That is good times. You have got to be carefuI at the Mexican strip clubs. The girls look young. They’re legal, but they’re barely legal. It’s like it’s gonna be midnight and they’re like seventeen and a half. It’s like, alright. It’s like a New Year’s countdown. Five, four, three, two, hit the pole, baby, you’re legal. I’m telling you, one of these girls didn’t even have high heels. She had tennis shoes. She was dancing, little lights were coming on in the back. I’m Martin Moreno, you guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you very much. [audience cheers] Thank you! Coming to the stage, a very very funny man, you might have seen him at Que Locos, Latino Laugh Festival. Please a big hand, M r. Noe Gonzalez. [cheering] [inaudible] Alright. Alright. Alright, I’m five foot three, fuck it, how you doin’ everybody? [shouts] Alright. There’s advantages to being short, right? Hell, yeah, I could get drunk quick. Two Bud Lites, I’m gone. [laughter] There’s advantages. I could stand under a table when there’s an earthquake. I could just stand there. You guys good over there? Yeah, I’m good over here. The bathroom of the airplane, I fit in there. Tall people, you don’t fit in there, huh? Your knees are hittin’ the door like that. Not me, that’s like my living room, man. I’m like woo! This flight is takin’ forever. Let me wash my hands real quick. One thing that sucks is that people always know what I am for Halloween. Tall people, you can fool your friends. You show up to the party, everybody’s like, Who’s Batman over there? I don’t know, but there’s Noe right there. Last year I dressed up as King Kong. My friends came up to me, Hey, you’re Curious George, huh, bro? Come here! So I was just watching the movie of exorcism of Emily Rose. Have you seen that movie? That’s a scary movie, man, because the devil could just pop into you at any time. I didn’t know he could do that. You know, she was just walking down the street, How you doin’? [groans] That guy stayed with her, (deep male voice) Honey, I love you, I don’t care! [groan] And then his friends would get mad, he would take her to parties, Hey dude, your chick is triping by the punchbowl, look. [laughter] Nobody wants to drink punch, bro, take her home. (deep male voice) Come on, honey, let’s get out of here. Only white people get possessed by the devil. I’ve seen the first two Exorcists movies, guys. Latinos, we don’t get possessed by the devil because our moms would beat the shit out of the devil. Our mom with el diablo, [speaks Spanish angrily]. Traeme el tapatio, con el tapatìo se sale el diablo. Con el tapatio– Hijo de la chingada! [unintelligible]. Speaking of the devil, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Sorry about that. It was hard, man, because she had cable. [laughter] Man, she has N FL Preview, maybe I should wait till February. We’re always fighting. We got in a fight at six flags. We were right there in line for Superman, the ride. And there was these cholos in front of us, playing around with water guns, just shooting each other. They’re [psh psh] Go Raiders, hey! [psh psh] [laughter] And some water started splashing backward, right? She says, I’m getting wet, do something! And I saw they were cholos, you know what I mean? So I was, like, Take it, bitch! [laughter] We just got us splashed, you got drenched, you didn’t say nothing! Now you want me to go do something? She says, Fine, if I get wet again, I’m gonna go do something. I go, Oh, shit. So an hour goes by, and the cholos they start playing around with the water guns– [psh psh] and she got wet again, (female voice) That’s it! She ran over there, she had a full Coke. And she threw it on the cholos, You like getting wet, huh? You like getting wet? You like getting wet? I’m running behind her going, No!! [laughter] The cholos were standing there, all full of Coke, stunned, all sticky, Then they looked at me, Hey, bro, control your bitch! I was, like, Whoa. See? I told you you were a bitch. Didn’t I tell you–? Hey, bro, I’m not even with her, dog. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I can’t even get on the rides. Go, Raiders. So I just turned 30 like 4 years ago. All my friends pitched in, they gave me a Harley Davidson for my birthday. It sucked because I couldn’t reach it. I took it back, tried to get it custom-sized, they gave me a Moped. Moped sucks, they have like no power. I couldn’t go over a speed bump– [imitates small motor] So I just got a little dog. I haven’t named it yet. I like the way white people name their pets. You name them after real people, like, this is my dog, Benjamin. Hi, Benji. Latinos we don’t really care what we name our pet, we’ll name it after any object. I went over my cousin’s house, he says I brought a neat dog. He’s right over there. Fierro! [laughter] Black people, they always get big old tough dogs. A pit bull, [barks]. I’ve never seen a black guy with a cat. [laughter] I’ve never seen a black guy in the trees, looking for his cat, (deep black male voice) Where you are, kitty, kitty! Come on, motherfucker, we goin’ for a walk, bitch! Where’s my kitty? Come on, kitty, kitty?! Here, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh, kitty, kitty. [laughter] You guys have been a lot of fun! Thank you very much, guys! Have a good time tonight, guys! Have a good time. Coming to the stage, a very funny man, please put your hands together for M r. Armando Cosio. Thank you. Hey, what’s up? Hey, how you doin’? I know, some of you are looking at me, saying, Hey, didn’t they kill him last week? [laughter] That’s Saddam, man, that’s him. They hung ‘im. Yeah, well, the rope broke. Some of you guys are saying, That guy should work out. Should jog after the ice cream man. That’s what my old lady says. You should jog after the ice cream man. I go, Ha ha, real funny. You know I can’t jog after the ice cream man. He parks in front of the house. [laughter] On purpose. He’s right there, Hey, the gordo lives right here. Go ahead, crank up the music, crank that up. Subele, subele. He’s gonna come out right now. And when he comes out, we’re gonna make them run, and we’re gonna take off. Here it comes, here it comes. Go! Go, go, go! And that’s just the guy with the pushcart and little bell on the handlebars– [pring, pring, pring]. I know how to stop them, though. But hey, Jose, I’m gonna call the green man on your ass if you don’t stop it. Okay, gordo, don’t–don’t fuck around, gordo, okay? Don’t mess around, goddamn it, you son of a bitch, hijo de tu pinche madre, ay goddamn it. I got childrens and everything so don’t fuck. I give you credit. And I’m like, Alright, man. Give me a Choco-Taco. It’s a trip, man when on hot days he’s got beer in there. This is a guy that sells ice cream to our children. I say, Hey, Jose, what the hell is the beer for? No, no, tch, tch, tch. He forgets how to speak, he just blows air. Tch, tch, tch, ahh. Tch, tch, tch. [mumbles] Hot! It is hot, goddamn it. It’s hot. I know it’s hot but you got like a case and a half in there. No, cabron, it’s not just for me. It for my friend, the elote man. The corn guy. You know the corn guy, the elote guy, yeah? [cheering] Yeah. Yeah. [cheering] Same horn, every neighborhood. [squeaking horn] [sings out] Elotes! Elotes! That guy– he parks in front of my house too. Aqui vive el gordo? No, the gordo lives right here. He lives right here. Oh, I got a special horn for him. No, not the [unintelligible]. No, no, a special horn for him. Watch, watch. [squeaky gordo, gordo, gordo] Son of a bitch. Man. And I’ve been married for 32 years, so you know how that is. Yeah. Have to role-play with her and everything. The other day we had sex dolphin-style. You guys ever try dolphin style? Okay, dolphin style is like doggy style but if you hit the wrong opening, she’s gonna go, [eee eee eee]
You guys have been a lot of fun, guys, thank you very much. Orale, Bakersfield! [cheering, whistling]