Dan Soder: On The Road (2024) | Transcript

Dan Soder muses on wanting simplicity, the perks of attractiveness, quirky life anecdotes, aging, tech fears, and finding humor in daily absurdities.
Dan Soder: On The Road (2024)

Dan Soder presents a series of humorous reflections on various aspects of everyday life, including his desire for a simpler, more carefree existence. He touches on topics such as the allure of being effortlessly attractive or “dumb,” the peculiar freedoms enjoyed by attractive people, and personal anecdotes illustrating these themes. Dan recounts experiences from dating, the awkwardness and vulnerabilities of sex, the evolution of personal desires and anxieties with age, and the quirks of modern life, like navigating technology and social media. Other anecdotes include a humorous mishap involving a Bluetooth speaker, observations on marriage and relationships, and childhood experiences.

Premiered March 1, 2024

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I want to be fun. Dumb, you ever seen people that just have it? Where they’re just like, “You ever seen someone with the right amount where you’re like, ‘Damn, you have it. You just… it’s all green lights for you.'” That’s what I want, dude. Turn the lights down, just… just barely, just one more. Turn the lights down one, not too. I don’t want to be so dumb I can’t live alone. I’m not… not trying to burden a family member, but I just want to enjoy. Like, I would love to walk in a room and see a Fast and Furious trailer and be like, “They’re going faster.” Like, [] up. Like, how hot people, hot people get to be pretty dumb ‘cuz they’re so hot. Hot people get to say dumb shit, and we’re just like, “Yeah, right.” You know what I’m talking about? They’re like, “Do you want to go dance in the rain?” and you’re like, “God, you’re a free spirit.” If an Ugo said that, you’d be like, “Shut up, you wet dog, no, it’s pouring outside. Hot snow, hot snow.” They get to say some stupid shit ‘cuz they know if you disagree with them, all they have to do is touch you. You ever been touched by a hot? You’ll buckle immediately. You go, “Actually, I… I don’t think that’s right, you should look that up,” and they go, “No, it is,” and you’re like, “I want to write you a poem. I’ll kill for you.”

About 10-12 years ago, I dated a woman, very whimsical. She was very whimsical, and I… I never disagreed with her. And one time, we were leaving a diner in Queens, and we were going back to my apartment, and we had to go over an overpass over the highway. And we got to the top of the stairs of the overpass, and she looked back at me and she said, “Don’t you ever feel like running?” and then took off. I’ve never felt like running, and she did the whole, like, across the overpass, down the other side, gone. Couldn’t find her. Terrifying. She was gone. I could not, legitimately could not find her for 5 to 10 minutes. One of the most terrified I’ve ever been in my life ‘cuz I was like, “She’s dead, and there is zero chance the NYPD is believing my story.” Showing up being like, “Let me get this straight, you got to the top of the stairs and this woman said, ‘Don’t you feel like running?'” Yeah, we got him. I didn’t fucking kill her!

But I was jealous ‘cuz she would always like, you know, she was comfortable naked. That’s got to be cool. That’s got to be so cool. Hot people, man, they get to just fucking enjoy it. They just get to have sex, come, and then be like, “Where do you want to eat, babe?” I’ve never had sex without at least once being like, “What is this? Who are you right now? This isn’t you. You’re a silly goose,” and I’m sitting there being like, “Yeah, fuck yeah.”

Do you ever make a noise during sex and in your head you’re like, “What was that?” I hate it. I talk shit to myself all the time during sex. I’ll be like, “Oh, that feels so good,” like, “Oh, that feels so good. You… I feel so good.” Shut the fuck up. Shut up, you idiot. You’re sweating all over this poor girl.

I thought that was going to calm down the older I got. It turns out, it just gets worse. I’m 40, and it’s not… I turned 40, was worried, but it’s not bad. It’s actually fun. Well, not all. It’s harder to poop, but I’m less horny, and it’s kind of nice. It’s finally quiet. Since puberty, I’ve been dragged behind my dick like it was a runaway horse. Yeah, see big titties, and you’re like, “ahahah!” And now, things are more settled, you know?” But I like it. I think that’s why men are all messed up in our 20s, is ‘cuz we go from being little boys to creeps overnight. You know, one day you’re just like a little boy that just wants to talk about dinosaurs to anyone that’ll listen. You know, you’re just cornering your parents’ friends like, “Did you know the Stegosaurus was from the Late Jurassic Period and was a herbivore?” And you wake up the next day, you’re like, “All I want is pussy. That’s all I want is pussy.”

And now I’m 40, and I’m back to loving dinos, and uh, it’s great. A lot of good work being done in the paleontology world. Now, I still like sex, but if we’re being honest, at the age of 40, you know what I like more than good sex? Good sleep. If my fiance was like, “Do you want to sleep for 9 hours uninterrupted?” I’d be like, “Oo, you fucking slut, get over here. I’m going to hold you.” What is this, ’09? I’m trying to stuff a pillow in between my knees. That’s how you get sex noises out of me at 40. Put that pillow there. I’m like, “Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, my hips are lined up. Oh.”

It’s just, it’s easier to navigate when you’re less horny. Life is just easier, you know? Instagram, way easier. I still look at butt models’ pictures, but now it’s just to read the comments. It’s my favorite thing on social media, comments on sexy photos. See some big oiled-up butt outside of Miami, 413 comments, you’re like, “Let’s rock and roll.” ‘Cuz immediately, it’s just dudes being like, “Mia Bella,” hard eye emojis. Or you see the guy, it’s like, “I hope you had a great day today.” You’re like, “E, that’s the hardest shit I’ve ever read in my life. Did you type that with your boner, you weirdo?” “Oh, hope you had a great day.” I bet. Go come and then come back with that same energy.

I like Instagram ‘cuz it’ll tell on your friends for being horny. Instagram will be like, “Look at this fat ass. 35,000 people liked it, and Jeff.” Jeffrey! ‘Cuz that’s what happens when you, when you get too horny, you get in trouble. That’s just, as a man, if it breaches the horny level, you’re going to do something stupid. I almost lost my fiance during COVID, not even to the virus, to a Bluetooth speaker. Yeah, if you’ve been in the situation, you know where this is going. I, I bought it. I brought the vampire into the house. I bought, I bought her a waterproof Bluetooth speaker so we could enjoy music in the shower. That was it. We both loved it, used it, had a great time. COVID hits, we’re locked together for seven weeks. By around week five, you know, she’s taken a pretty long shower, and I was in the living room, and I was like, “I could probably watch some adult entertainment on my phone. What could go wrong?” I can’t imagine how jarring porn is out of context, 100% out of context. That’s got to be wild. She’s washing her hair, singing along to SZA, and then instantly, it’s like […], it’s got to be a lot. And I have no idea how that feels. I do know how it feels to watch porn and not know where the volume is. That’s the one I know, where you’re like, “The fuck? This lady looks like she’s screaming her head off, just mushing on that up button, you know, like, “Give me something. Give me anything.” Then, through the wall, you hear just like, “fuck me.” You’re like, “No.” Ah. Even telling you guys, that’s making my pee hole snap shut.

Oh, my God. I heard it, and immediately I was like, “Run. Run.” But I couldn’t, you know, ‘cuz there was a virus in the sky, killing motherfuckers. At that, I was like, “Just tell her the truth. Tell her the goddamn truth.” And I went and stood outside that bathroom door. I was like, “You’re going to tell her the truth.” Then that door opened, and I was like, “Hey, I opened an email.” And I, verbatim, what I said. She told me, when it happened, she tried to manually turn it down on the speaker, but because I was hitting up, it just looked like I was bullying her with porn, you know, like, “You’re going to fucking listen this.

Well, she stayed, thank God. Thank God. We are getting married. I don’t like calling her my fiance. I think that’s too fancy of a word. I like calling her my wife-elect. Let you know, you know, I’m like, “You got the votes, but you haven’t been sworn in. No policy changes quite yet.”

One of my best friends just got married, you know. All my friends are married and got kids now, but my best friend just got married in Guatemala and invited me to really test the friendship. That’s– sorry, but you’re two whites from Colorado, and you’re going to make me go to Guatemala? I was worried we’re going to have to do those photos that white people love to do, where all the groomsmen have to subtly act like we want to fuck the bride in all the photos, you know, which one I’m talking about? Where like, she has her leg across four of us, and we’re all holding a piece with our sunglasses down like, “Were we about to gang bang this bitch?” Or a photo where like, she shows us the wedding ring like, “I’m not a whore anymore,” and we’re like, “What?”

But there’s none of that. Instead, they did a drone photo. That was the big one, and that was like the thing. They were like, “All right, guys. The wedding DJ was like, ‘Time for the drone photo. Going to jump in point.'” I was like, “No.” Like, “Count of three, jumping point.” I watched all my friends be like, “I don’t want to do this.” And then that countdown hit and was like, “Three, two, one.” Corniest shit I’ve ever done in my life. Life, and easily the most privileged thing I’ve ever done because usually in a third-world country when a drone shows up at a wedding, lot less jumping and pointing and a lot more running and screaming. That’s fun. It’s a fun joke. And they’re happily married. That was a good wedding to go to.

I’m a child of divorce. Clapp if you’re from a divorced family. That sounds about right. Usually, when you’re under 10 and your parents get divorced, they tell you it’s not your fault. They love to say that. It’s not your fault. But that’s the “please drink responsibly” of divorce, you know what I mean? You know, when beer companies are like, “Drink all night. Please drink responsibly,” in case you fucking kill anybody. That’s why parents do it, in case you grow up to be a psycho, and then they’re like, “I said it wasn’t his fault.”

My parents hated each other. Hated each other. No internet… went all through me. My mom lived in Denver, my dad lived in San Francisco, and I would travel between the two cities like a little shit-talking messenger. Show up in the Bay Area with a scroll: “I bring news from the Rockies. Patricia says you’re a drunk, a loser, a liar.” Go home two weeks later. “I told him, mother. He says good luck getting child support.” I mean, you got to respect the guy. Never paid a dime. Got to respect the stat line. It’s true, never paid her child support, and in the United States, in 1997, the United States enacted the deadbeat dad law, which meant if you didn’t pay child support, you were going to jail. My dad died in 1997. Buzzer beater. He Indiana Jones’d it, dude. He slid out and grabbed his hat. He’s like, “Good luck with that big-headed weirdo.”

My mom hated my dad. My mom hated my dad so much, she dated my dad’s ex-best friend, also my godfather. Yeah, yeah. It was a little bit of alcoholic Hamlet going on. They used to get shit-faced at dinner and just talk shit about my dad. They get blackout and be like, “He’s a fucking loser.” And after a while, you know, you’re like, “Well, he’s my dad.” Start being like, “Well, he’s pretty good at catch.” They’re like, “How do you know?” You’re like, “Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.”

I hated my mom’s boyfriend, man. He was so mean. He’d get drunk. He’d call me stupid ’cause I would speak incorrectly. He’d be like, “You’re a fucking idiot. You’re going to grow up to pump gas.” That’s what you always say, “You’re going to pump gas.” You’re like, “Yeah, Joe, like two states do that. Learn your insults. Who’s the idiot?”

And I couldn’t. Here’s the thing, he never hit me, he never fucked me—sorry, made love. I didn’t have a case on him. Verbal abuse wasn’t a thing in the ’90s. I couldn’t go to my guidance counselor at school and be like, “I have a problem at home with my mom’s boyfriend.” They’d be like, “What’s going on? Does he touch you? Does he hit you?” You’re like, “No, he just kind of owns my ass at dinner every night. Just like a mean roast every night.”

Now, he did something worse than hitting me or touching me. He joined a 50 and over swim league. Masters. That means Speedos. These are men over 50 swimming competitively. So every Saturday morning in the winter, they’d wake me up out of my warm bed, and I’d have to go sit in an indoor pool fully clothed. I hope none of you know that hell, the smell of chlorine, and you’re just sweating in your pullover starter jacket. Then you got to watch a guy that hates your dad and is currently fucking your mom, you got to watch him just cut through the water like a dolphin. To this day, best swimmer I’ve ever seen with my own eyes. It was insane. The first time I watched him swim, it took my breath away. The first time I watched him swim, I was like, “Well, I won’t be fighting him in the water. I got to take this guy out on the land or in the air.”

Do you know how bad it hurts to have someone talk shit to you and then put on swim goggles? He’s like, “Hey, your dad’s a fucking loser,” and that pool’s wetter than your mom. “All right. I hate you, Joe. I hope you drown.”

I’m such a people pleaser. I got, I tried to get him to like me my whole life, and I hated him. That’s what sucks. If you’re a people pleaser, it’s one of the worst things because you oftentimes try to get people to like you that you don’t even like, and it sticks with you your whole life.

I think every American is afraid of being in a mass shooting. I’m specifically afraid of being the guy that accidentally lets the shooter into the building. All it would take is a guy going, “Hey, door’s locked.” That’s it. I’d be like, “Oh, I got you.” Yeah, five minutes later, it’s like, “I’m like, ‘I’m sorry. I thought he worked here.'” As is, I just do dumb shit. I try to do good stuff, and I do. It’s just, it always goes wrong.

I tried donating money for a while. That’s stupid. Donate. First off, donating money is the most American way to help. Just giving money and being like, “You do it. I’m waiting for an Amazon package.” But one time, I read this news article about this guy that got locked up in Riker’s Island for a nonviolent crime, and he ended up dying in there because he didn’t have bail money. And I read that, and I was like, “That is so fucked up. I should help.” So I started donating to this place called The Bronx Freedom Fund, and I gave them money to help non-violent criminals get out of jail, and I felt so good. I was slapping my own back. I was like, “I’m so good.”

Then an article came out that the Bronx Freedom Fund released a nonviolent offender, turns out, pedophile, went to Queens, got a kid. My bad. A month later, another article came out that the Bronx Freedom Fund let out another nonviolent criminal. He was schizophrenic and beat four homeless people to death in their sleep. I read that. I was like, “Am I funding crime in New York City? I’m just the worst Batman villain of all time. ‘It is I, Batman, the donator. I have been releasing pedophiles and murderers.'”

This is how dumb I am. I wrote them an email. I go, “Can I get a refund?” Like that’s not how this works.

I don’t know, man. That’s one of the things that makes me feel older, is I get nervous about technology, where I was never nervous about it, you know? I get like, scared by technology because we were the first, you know, if you’re near 40, near the age of 40, we were the first generation to have the internet. We were the—remember how mean we were to our parents? Remember that? They’d be like, “I sent an electronic mail.” You’re like, “It’s email, you dumb bitch. Don’t pick up the phone when I’m on the computer.” And then now, there’s shit coming out that scares me. I was like, “Oh, what? It’s AI?” I was like, “So, the Pope wasn’t wearing a puffy white jacket?” Took me a week to learn that wasn’t real. Of course, it’s crazy.

I don’t have TikTok on my phone. I don’t have it. My fiance has it on her phone, and she shows it to me like I’m herfucking grandpa. She really does. She shows me TikToks, and I’m like, “Oh, and those dogs are friends. Oh, I like this one.” TikTok’s wild, dude. It’s—if you go on there, you see some crazy shit. There’s a whole trend on TikTok, I’m making none of this up, there’s a whole trend on TikTok right now where people are self-diagnosing themselves as autistic. No doctor, not one medical professional consulted. It’s just them to camera, write down barrel, they have motivational music playing, and then they put text above their heads that they point to in like a real smug, shitty way. It’s all regular shit. They’re like, “I used to be afraid of large crowds. I thought I was socially awkward. Turns out, I’ve been masking my autism for 27 years. I’m autistic.”

What if, what if we only use the word retarted for those people? That’s it. That’s it. Never for anyone with a disability or anyone with a special need, just anytime someone is like, “Yeah, I’m self-diagnosed autistic,” you can be like, “Oh, you’re fucking retarded.” And they’ll be like, “Yeah,” ’cause they’re full of shit. It’s crazy. They do that because that’s the one good thing about the internet, is you can prove people wrong instantly. You ever done that? You ever Googled something in front of your friends and be like, “Look.” How good is that feeling? Oh, it’s the closest I’ve gotten to slam dunking, just be like, “That,” and shutting an elevator door on someone. That is such a good feeling. You shut that door, you’re like” […]

I got into an argument with a younger comic. He’s in his mid-20s, and I was telling him about the music that came out after 9/11. I don’t know if you were old enough to live through 9/11, and you didn’t forget. Oo, let me catch you forgetting. But the music that came out was bonkers. For 6 months after 9/11, all that came out was just like hyper-aggressive country music, which makes sense. They were getting us ready for war. But every song that came out was like, “Step on up, and we’ll kick your ass,” and we were all like, […]

Toby Keith was just printing money. He made so much money, he opened a shitty restaurant chain. But radio stations, back when they actually were powerful, radio stations did this thing where they took—I don’t know if anybody remembers this—they took Enrique Iglesias’s song “Hero” and then spliced news footage from 9/11. Clap if you remember that. See, I’m not making this up. What a lot of people don’t know is that Enrique Iglesias wrote the song “Hero” trying to fuck Anna Kournikova. So it’s a sex song that they put 9/11 audio… Once you know he wrote it for that reason, go back and listen to that. You can tell how horny he is in the song when he’s like, “Let me be your hero, baby.” It’s just him being like, “Please, touch it. Please, please touch my penis.” And then randomly, it’s like, “The second tower has fallen.” It’s fucking wild.

And I found it on YouTube because of this disagreement. I found it on YouTube. It’s crazier than you remember. Go look it up. I’ll give you a time marker, 53 seconds into the video. It’s a clear sexual lyric. Enrique Iglesias goes, “Would you tremble if I touched your lips?” And then you hear a woman go, “I got thrown through a window.” And you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that?” And we put that out like, “That’s for the first responders.”

I don’t know, man. It’s just the older I get, I just keep being like, “I’m losing touch, and I still want people to like me.” It’s insane. We just moved from, uh, New Jersey back into New York City. And we were living in Jersey, and we had all these like 10- and 11-year-old kids in our neighborhood. These little river rats just riding their bikes around and cussing. I wanted them to like me so bad. So fucking bad. Then they caught me talking to my dog, and that’s—that’s a wrap. You don’t come back from that.

I don’t talk to my dog in a regular voice. I don’t know what kind of fucking psycho does. Who’s out there being like, “Are you ready to go outside? There she is. There’s my snuggle bug.” No, you got to be like, “Look at you, fat […]. What are you doing?” I can’t wait to get home to her. When I see her, I’m going to scream into her neck fat like, “Where did you get all this? Where are you allowed to have it?”

You ever love on your dog and catch them being annoyed with you? Like…Before I left yesterday, I grabbed her by her head. I was like, “I love you.” And you could feel her being like, “Okay, alright. Push her back.” You ever love your dog so hard you wonder if you’re special needs? You’re like, “This is a lot.” You guys are going to catch me on TikTok being like, “I thought I loved my dog. Turns out, I’m retarded.” I love her. Fuck, I love her.

Dogs are awesome. They’re proof we dominated the animal kingdom. We took a predator of ours and gave it anxiety. That’s so awesome. We made wolves afraid of the doorbell. They used to hunt us in packs, and now we’re like, “I’m going to dress you up like a fat little bumblebee,” and like, you know.

Living in a city, she was, uh, she took a dump, and I bagged it up, you know, showed it to her, as one does, like, “Look what you did. You did it.” I just heard this kid behind me go, “This guy’s talking to his dog like that.” I was like, “Fuck! God, I wanted him to like me.” ‘Cause they’re funny. They’re just 10-year-old kids that ride their bikes and they cuss. Kids cussing, especially when they don’t know the word, ’cause I’d hear him cussing sometimes. I’m like, “You don’t know what that word means.” That’s like one of the best parts of growing up, just finding out what cuss words mean, just ripping one and being like, “No? Okay, that’s bad.”

When I was 8 years old, I walked in the kitchen, my mom and my older cousin were having a conversation, and my cousin goes, “Yeah, it’s not like I got a blowjob from her,” and my mom goes, “Don’t say that in front of the kid.” Eight-year-old me immediately was like, “That’s my new catchphrase.” I had no idea it was sexual. I legitimately thought it was a real job. I was like, “If Andy’s saying it, this has got to be cool.” So immediately, I’m like, “Well, I’m going to go down the street and tell my friend Eric. He’s got to hear about this.”

So I rode my bike to Eric’s house. What I didn’t know was that his sister was having her 10th birthday party. Yeah, it’s going right where you think it’s going. There was a 10-year-old birthday party in the backyard, parents, kids, everybody. And I came around the corner and just screamed out, “What are you giving out blowjobs?” Like a tiny little swinger. Is this a key party? I thought it was going to kill. I thought everyone was going to be like, “Who’s the big kid?” Instead, I just felt Eric’s dad violently grab me by my upper arm. You ever get picked up when you’re a kid? You’re like, “Okay.” You know, your feet start… You’re like, “Yep.”

I liked Eric’s dad, too. He was like, you know, he was a good dad. And good dads are always nice to kids without dads. They always love that. That’s why they’re always assistant coaches. Good dads love to take a kid without a dad and be like, “Keep trying, young man.” But in your mind, you’re like, “fuck off. Die.”

That was the first time I ever saw him mad, and he was legit mad. He sat me down in the kitchen, and he’s like, “Where did you hear that word?” And I just matched his energy. I was like, “I’ll never fucking tell you!” You saw him be like, “Oh, alright. Kid’s from a volatile household.” And then he just tried to First 48 me. 20 minutes, he just kept being like, “You know, you tell me, you can go. Go outside, you go back to the party.” One point, he put a soda down, he’s like, “You like orange crush?” He kept saying, he’s like, “Who said that? Where did you hear that word?” And I kept saying the same thing, I was like, “I can’t tell you, ’cause I’m not a snitch.” But he kept being like, “Who said the word blowjob?” And I was like, “I can’t tell you.”

Now, if you’re a man and you’re raised by a mom, you know, as a little boy, you have feminine energy that you’re unaware of. So, by like minute 20, I’m standing there like this, he’s like, “Where did you hear it?” I’m just sighing, I’m going, “I can’t tell you.” Then I saw it in his head, he was like, “Oh, this kid doesn’t have a dad. I’ll just dad on this kid.” And he really did the whole thing. He’s like, “I wish you would tell me, and if you ever want to, I’ll be right here.” Fucked me up. Oh, it got me. I was—I just left. I just remember leaving and riding my bike home like, “What’s this guy’s problem with blowjobs?” ‘Cause I had no idea what he was talking about.

And then I grew up and I learned what a blowjob was, and I thought back to that moment, and I was like, “Oh, no. I might have unintentionally ruined a guy’s life.” I’m pretty sure my best friend’s dad thought I was being sexually abused by my mom’s boyfriend ’cause he was like, “Where did you hear the word blowjob?” And I was like, “I can’t tell you.” And then I just rode my bike home like. Meanwhile, he’s going to bed every night like, “We got to do something, Martha. That’s Eric’s friend. We got to do something.” No abuse. Zero abuse. I was just 8 years old out having a cuss.

I really did blow an opportunity. That should have been the moment where I’m like, “It’s Joe. Joe makes me suck his dick. Fight him for me, please. Just not in the water. He’ll kill you in the water.”

So, last summer, I’m out walking the dog, and I hear those kids on their bikes, and I hear the nerd of the group first. I just hear this kid goes, “Stop cussing.” And then I hear another kid go, “Shut the fuck up. I’ll suck your cock.” I was like, “That little boy don’t know what he’s saying. That little boy has no idea what he’s saying. And if he does, then he knows himself better than I’ve ever known myself.”

Portland, you were a lot of fun. I really appreciate this. Thank you guys very much. Thanks a lot. See you guys.




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