BRAD WILLIAMS: DADDY ISSUES (2016) – Full Transcript

In this comedy special, stand-up Brad Williams tackles race and political correctness, as well as how his father raised him to deal with adversity.

♪ bluesy rock music ♪ ♪ energetic pop rock music ♪ – Southern California, are you ready to have a good time tonight? (audience cheering) Get excited, make it loud, for Brad Williams! ♪ hard rock music ♪ (audience cheering) – What’s up!? (audience cheering) What’s goin’ on everybody!? (laughing) There’s no way I can live up to that, but dammit, I’m gonna try! (audience laughing) Are you guys ready to party? Are you guys ready to have a lot of fuckin’ fun tonight? Good! Good! I like havin’ fun, I like to party. I don’t know about you, but when I party, I like to drink. One of the main reasons I like to drink is because I never have to pay for it. Ever. ‘Cause everyone wants to know what happens when a dwarf gets drunk. Right now you’re thinking, “I wonder what happens. “I would really like to know that.” And I know it’s like me and hot chicks, me and hot chicks have that thing in common where we walk into the club and everyone just looks at us and goes, “We’re gettin’ that fucked up tonight.” (audience laughing) It’s true, but I don’t know why! Because nothing happens when I drink, nothing crazy. Like I don’t know if one of your friends told you, like, “No, man, you get a midget drunk, “they explode into gold coins. “It’s ridiculous, like it’s awesome.” Nothing happens! Basically when I drink, it’s the same thing as when a hot chick drinks. I get very emotional, I’ll probably text an ex, and by the end of the night I might blow a dude. (audience laughing)

I also say things when I’m drunk that I would absolutely never say sober under any circumstances. Like, not too long ago I was watching a game with my buddy, and the team that I put money on won. I was very excited, so I turned to my friend and I said something to him that I would never say if I was sober. I turn to him, I go, “Yeah! “Chest bump!” (audience laughing) I should never say that shit, I should never. Why did I say that to my friend? He’s six foot two, okay? He’s six foot two. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I have tall friends, okay? It’s not like the midgets get together every Sunday under the tree stump and watch football. So he’s six foot two, but he’s been my friend for 20 years. I’m not his dwarf buddy, I’m not his little person pal, I’m just Brad to him. So I say chest bump, he’s been drinkin’, too, he’s like, “Yeah! “Chest bump!” And then he jumped. Why the fuck did he jump? Why? (chuckling) Why did you do, it was already hard enough, okay? I’m already staring at him like ♪ Climb every mountain ♪

It’s not gonna go well. You took something very difficult and then put something more difficult at the end of it. It’s like putting a math test at the end of a Special Olympics race or something. Okay, if you didn’t laugh at that joke, fuck you. Fuck you. That is a great joke, and I’m allowed to make that joke because I was in the Special Olympics, goddamnit, okay? Yes! Yes! I was! Yes! I ran track in the Special Olympics. Now, if you have never seen a midget run, holy shit, you don’t know what you’re missing out on. It is unbelievable. When a dwarf runs the portal to heaven opens right there. ‘Cause the legs are just going off in different directions like that and it’s just so cute. But, because I was in the Youth Special Olympics, they didn’t have everyone of the same disability. Also, if five dwarves running at the same time, everyone would just die of a joygasm. So… It wasn’t just little people running, it was all these different kids with all these different disabilities like some sort of Make a Wish all star team. And, yeah, in the far lane there was a kid on crutches. Not worried about him. I’m gonna kick his ass, okay? No problem there. Next to him was a kid in a wheelchair. What the, a wheelchair? That’s a performance enhancer. What are you doing? Unless there’s stairs on the track, I’m losing to this guy, okay? Then after that it was me, then after that it was a enhh fucker, okay? What? That’s the politically correct term. That’s what they like to be referred to as. They like to be called enhh guys. Okay? That’s true. And don’t feel sorry for him. Some of you are feeling sorry for him. What, feel sorry for me! I’m the guy that’s gotta run in this event while my dad is up in the stands. I’m looking at him like, “Daddy, are you proud of me?” He’s like, “No, I’m not proud of you! “You’re running next to a enhh fucker. “I’m not proud of you.” And he really wasn’t proud of me when enhh beat me, okay? He beat me. He cheated, thoughgh, he cheate! His mom ran in front of him holding a marshmallow the entire time backwards. (audience laughing)

So back to the chest bump. (audience laughing) So my buddy, six foot two, chest bumps me. You wanna know what happens when a six foot two guy gives a four foot guy a chest bump? Four foot guy gets a dick in the face, that’s what happens. And you can’t ignore a dick in the face. You can’t just pause over it. You can’t skip it like a fart during sex. You can power through a fart during sex. You can be there like, “All right, it’s my,” (mimicks farting) “Eye contact, do not inhale!” You know what I mean? But when that happens, when that happens you have to acknowledge it. So me and my friend are just staring at each other, making eye contact. No one knows what to say. And then he finally looks down at me and goes, “My bad, dog.” Fuck you, my bad! That is not a my bad moment. If you knock over my beer, okay, that is a my bad moment. If you drag your cock across my forehead, you owe me a God damn Hallmark card. (audience laughing)

This is awesome. This is cool. I like this. I knew, I knew that when I was shooting my next special, I had to come back home to Southern California where I was born and raised, I had to do it here. (audience applauds) But I travel the country, and I’ll be honest with you, one of the reasons that makes Southern California great is also what makes it shitty because we have amazing weather all the time. But that makes us pussies, okay? And we know. We’ve all been there like, “Oh my God, “I am not going outside today. “It is 68 degrees outside. “Are the schools even open?” It’s dumb. But I’m one of you, so yeah, bad weather freaks me out. I was in New York City not too long ago, and they got a blizzard there. They got a foot and a half of snow in one day, okay? One fuckin’ day, okay? And I’m on stage talkin’ about it, like, “There’s a foot and a half of snow outside.” The audience is like, “Yeah, it’s no big deal. “It’s like a foot and a half of snow.” Like, “No, it’s big deal.” “Ahh, it’s just a foot and a half of snow.” “It’s just a foot and a half of snow.” I am four feet fucking tall, all right? That’s a big deal for me! Maybe not for you guys. Maybe you guys walk around in a foot and a half of snow, you trip, you fall, your knee gets wet, you’re like “Oh God, it’s winter time!” If I trip and fall in a foot and a half of snow, I die. You understand how that works? I was scared, I went to one of those sporting good stores and I bought one of those soccer flags. And I just duct taped that shit to my back. (audience laughing) Just walkin’ around New York City like this the entire time. People were lookin’ at me like, “Brad, you look like a loser.” Don’t give a shit, I’m gonna live. (audience laughing)

I travel a lot, obviously, for my job. It’s fun, but, uh, sometimes stuff happens, like last week I was on the road and had a long flight. I had the window seat and the person next to me fell asleep, so I couldn’t get up to go to the bathroom the entire time. So when I landed, I really had to go to the bathroom. So I run to the airport bathroom. Now here’s where we come to a little bit about some etiquette that I don’t think a lot of the gentlemen in this audience are aware of, okay? Uh, ladies, you can tune out. This does not concern you. Gentlemen, when you are in a public bathroom, stay the fuck away from my urinal. (audience laughing) See, the men are laughing, ’cause they know what urinal I’m talking about. The women are like, “He has a urinal?” Yes, I do, I have a urinal. In every single bathroom across these United States, it’s required by law, there’s always two or three urinals for way up here, and there’s always one that’s way the fuck down there. That’s mine, that is my urinal! Do not use that urinal! That is reserved for me, that is reserved for your five year old son Zachary, and that is reserved for any man with a two foot dick, okay? That is all. So… Black guy’s clappin’, he’s like, “I can use that shit.” Anyway. (laughing) He can. So I go to this bathroom, now in this airport bathroom, it’s all open urinals. It’s a cornucopia of urinals. One might even say they have a plethora of urinals and they’re all wide open. Only one is being taken up. Guess which one urinal is being taken up? Mine! All right? So now, I’m behind the guy, I gotta do this sward I-gotta-pee dance like right behind him. Now other people are walking in the bathroom, they see a dwarf dancing right behind a guy. You see a dwarf dancing behind someone, you think I’m casting a spell on him or some shit. And then I just had this moment where I couldn’t take anymore, so I just looked at the dude, I was like, “Excuse me sir!” He turned around, and this is exactly what he did, no exaggeration. He just turns around and goes, “No fucking way.” (audience laughing) Like all that was missing was the Southwest Airline logo, like, “Boop, wanna get away?” Like that was it. I was telling my friend about this story, he was like, “Brad, why don’t you “just use a regular size urinal?” Listen, I would love to use a regular sized urinal. I don’t possess the muscle control necessary to use the regular sized urinal. If I use the regular sized urinal, I gotta be like, pee, shut it off, pee, shut it off, pee, shut it off. I can’t do that. I haven’t done enough kegels. (audience laughing) But I was nice to the guy. I just said, “Excuse me sir.” He turned around, that was it. I’m not gonna be nice anymore. I’m not. If I ever go to a bathroom and I see one of you tall fucks and you are using my urinal, I will go full R. Kelly on your leg, all right? (audience laughing)

But yeah, this is a fun job. I love this job. Only bad part about it is you gotta travel a lot. Like the past three years, I been on the road like 48 weeks a year. So I get burned out. I was so burned out, that I took this other job just to get away from it for a bit. I took a job as a DJ in San Francisco, California on a morning show. Don’t cheer. I lasted six months, then I got fired. I will tell you exactly what happened. They might say something different on Google. This is what happened. (chuckling) I was a morning show DJ on this show, I was the sports guy on the morning show. Obviously, you look at me, you’re like, “Yeah, “there’s a dude who got picked first “for every team growin’ up.” I’m the sports guy. While I was up there, the San Francisco Giants won the World Series. Now, I don’t like the San Francisco Giants. So I go on air the next day, yeah! I go on air the next day, talk a bunch of shit about the San Francisco Giants. You know, make reference to a couple players that I know have been cheating on their wives. You know, classy stuff. They don’t like that. The Giants team called up the radio station, just like, “If that guy’s not fired, “suspended, or apologizes, “we’re pulling all our funding from your station.” The station panics, they call me to a meeting. They’re like, “Brad, you gotta go on air tomorrow, “say something nice about the Giants.” I’m like, “Nope. “Not gonna do that.” And they’re like, “No?” (cheering) They’re like, “No, you gotta do it. “Just go on air and say something nice I’m like, “That’s never gonna happen.” They’re like, “What? “‘Cause you’re from Southern California “and you’re a Dodger fan?” I’m like, “I am, but that has nothing to do with it.” Nothing to do with it, I’m a professional. They go, “Well, why don’t you just say “anything nice about the Giants?” It’s like, “Because I’m a fucking midget! “I’m not gonna wear a jersey “that says Giants on it, asshole!” (audience laughing) Realize that? I’m not gonna support something that’s been trying to kill me my entire life. No one else would do that ever. A black guy would never wear a jersey that says cops. (audience laughing)

Okay, okay. That’s a good tester joke. Good tester joke. Some of you guys laughed, some of you didn’t, that’s fine. You don’t have to laugh at jokes you don’t like, that’s fine. But if you did not laugh at that joke I can tell you something about yourself. You’re white. (audience laughing) Guarantee you. Because black people love that joke, and black people love racial jokes in general. They’re not afraid of them like white people. White people are scared to tell racial jokes. Black people aren’t. You’ve never seen a black guy at his job like, “Hey guys, I’ve got a…” “Cracker joke to tell you guys right now.” No! A black guy will wait until he is surrounded by the maximum number of crackers before He’ll call more over. “Richard, get over here, you’re gonna love this shit.” (audience laughing) Now white people, we hold it in. We hold it in because we know we can get in trouble. So we walk around all day with this voice in our heart, like, “Don’t say shit, don’t say shit, “don’t say shit, don’t say shit.” ‘Cause we know we can get busted. We can get fired. You see it all the time, people have to apologize for what they say about racial issues. There’s always some celebrity who’s gotta call a press conference and be like, “I’m sorry to the African American community. “I meant nothing when I ordered the salmon blackened.” (audience laughing) You get scared and you hold it in. White people hold it in, and it effects other parts of life. Even something basic as laughter. Because white people never want to be caught laughing at the wrong joke, so we laugh like we have ADD, it’s just, “Ha ha!” And we stop. You ever seen a black guy laugh like that? Fuck no. I love makin’ black guys laugh. You make a black guy laugh, he puts everything he has into it. Body, soul. Black people burn calories when they laugh. It is awesome. You make a black dude laugh it’s like, “Ohhh shit!” (audience laughing) “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard “in my God damn life!” Try it, white people. You’ll like it. Don’t get me wrong, you’re gonna fuck it up the first time you do it. First time you’ll be like, “Golly gee willickers!” (audience laughing) “That was a humorous anecdote.” (audience laughing)

I just don’t get why we’re not allowed to talk about certain things. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Because in my opinion, when you talk about racial issues, when you joke about it, when you have discussion, that’s how you learn. That’s how you gain a greater appreciation. You do, that’s how you learn and appreciate other cultures. Like right now, I love Asian people. I love Asian people right now. Because two weeks ago, yes, two weeks ago, my Asian buddy called me up and he asked me for help to fix his iPhone. (audience laughing) Think about that for a second, okay? He asked me, he could have asked his cousin. His cousin built the fucker, all right? But he didn’t, he asked me, and that made me feel good about myself, made me feel good about the Asian people. And that’s when I realized, “Oh my God, “this is how we can end racism. “If every group just asks for help “with something they’re supposed to be good at.” Then we’ll all support each other. We’ll build each other up, right? Appreciate each others’ cultures. Like how much would you love Indian people if your Indian friend just called you like, “Oh my God, you need to help me. “You need to help me right now. “I am telling you one thing, now more than ever, “I am in desperate need of customer service.” (audience laughing) “I don’t know what to do with my computer. “I have tried everything to fix my computer. “I have turned it off, I have turned it back on. “I don’t know what to do. “If you could please just help me, “I would be ever so grateful. “Oh, oh wait, you are busy? “I will hold.” Ah-ha-ha!

But I understand that it’s difficult. Because there’s some groups that you’re allowed to make fun of, and other groups you should never make fun of under any circumstance whatsoever. And I know this dichotomy exists ’cause I know I’m one of those groups that’s perfectly all right to make fun of. I am, I’m not mad about that, I just want equality. Like, most the time when people make fun of little people, they’re not even thinkin’ about it. Like, Hollywood does it all the time. Like, I went out for a commercial audition not too long ago. It was for a Christmas commercial, and in my breakdown, now breakdown for an actor is details about how they’re supposed to prepare for the role. In my breakdown it said, “Be sure to bring your own elf costume from home.” (audience laughing) From home! What the fuck you think is in my closet? (audience laughing) You think you go in my house, open up it up, it’s just elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf. Then the springtime. Leprechaun, leprechaun, leprechaun, leprechaun, leprechaun, leprechaun. In the summer, I’ll dress like a gnome if I’m feeling fancy. Like, are you kidding me? It’s wrong. It’s fucked up, and it’s wrong. Don’t kid yourself, I do own an elf costume. But it’s, you gotta work in this town. It’s just messed up because they would never do that to other groups, ever. They would never be like, “Oh, you’re Asian, “bring your wok.” You know what I mean? “Oh, you’re a black male, “bring your illegitimate child.” They never do that. All right?

Now, I actually like when some people don’t laugh at that joke because it helps me identify you. And it helps me identify the people that I hate the most in this world. Oh, I’ll tell you who they are. Oh, yeah. Here’s the people I hate. And I don’t mean hate like, “Oh, I hate chocolate cake.” No, I mean I hate these people, all right? If you are one of these people that gets offended on behalf of another group, eat a bag of dicks. (audience laughing) Just a bag of dicks. Not the fun size bag, no, the family size bag of dicks. Just never stop shoving dicks in your mouth. Why do people do this? Why? Why do people care so much about shit that has nothing to do with them? And the worst part is that they think they’re being so good. They think they’re being a champion. I hope you know that when you get offended on behalf of another group, what you’re doing is infinitely times more racist than whatever pissed you off in the first place. Because what you’re doing is you’re turning to that group and you’re saying, “Hey, “you’re not smart enough to know “you’re being made fun of right now. “But don’t worry, I know. “I know you were made fun of, “and I’m gonna do something about it. “No, no, no, don’t get up, don’t get up, “don’t get up, don’t get up. “Stay there, I’ll handle it, I got this. “Master race on three. “One, two, three, okay, there we go.”

Why do people do this? And I know they do this. I had a woman come up to me recently after a show. Angry, pissed off. “Brad, I was so offended when you said the word midget.” I was like, “Right, “because you have other family members who are dwarfs.” “No.” “You have children that are little people.” “No.” “Then why the fuck do you care?” Why do you care? This doesn’t effect you, it doesn’t change your life. I would understand if every time I said the word midget that was some sort of call to arms to all the little people out there to rise up and fight our tall oppressors, and then when you guys got home there were midgets just flying in your windows, doing shoulder rolls, and then drop kicking your puppy. Okay, I would get that. But literally nothing happens to you. And who the fuck are you to tell me what I can say about my own people? I hope you realize I’ve been a midget my entire life. All 32 years. It’s not like I was six foot four, you know, things weren’t going so well so I hacked off a couple of feet and said, “Let’s give this a shot.” That didn’t happen.
Why do people care so much about things that don’t affect them? Why would any one give a shit if weed is legal or not? Listen, if you don’t smoke weed? Great, don’t smoke weed. But don’t stop someone else from doing it ’cause them doing that action doesn’t affect you whatsoever. Same thing. (cheering) Same thing with gay marriage. Listen, if you’re not gay, who gives a shit if gay marriage is legal or not? If two gay people get married, didn’t change your life. Didn’t affect you whatsoever.
Why do people give a shit about that? And why do people give a shit when I drive in my car and I sing every lyric to Katy Perry’s Firework? Why? I love that song. That’s a great song. It’s an inspirational song. Helps me feel better about myself. Now I understand that joke is not funny, all right? It’s not. But I say it every night, ’cause one of these nights, one of you people in the audience, you are going to know Katy Perry and you are gonna tell her about that joke. She’s gonna be intrigued by that joke. She is gonna wanna come see one of my shows. She’s gonna laugh at my comedy show. She’s gonna wanna meet me afterward. I will meet Katy Perry, then I will finally get a chance to motorboat them titties. (cheering)

I’m not trying to do this whole social change thing. I just wanna get in there and go “baby you’re a firework”. That’s it. But these are the lessons that people teach their kids now. That’s the scary part. People are now teaching this to their kids. I see it. ‘Cause I see how children react when they see something different like me for the first time. I’ll tell you, it changes based on the race of the kid. It does, like, white kids suck. Okay, I hate white kids, they’re the worst. Fuck whitey, I hate ’em. They’re taught wrong. White kids are taught, “Okay, okay Trevor, “we’re going outside. “Now if you see anything Trevor, “just don’t say anything. “Just don’t say anything, Trevor. “Just old it in, hold it here. “Hold it right here in your happy place, Trevor. “Right here. Right here. “If it starts to hurt, don’t worry. “You can fart, you can just fart, Trevor. “You’ll be fine.” So then the kids see something different like me, he wants to say something, but he can’t. But he wants to, but he can’t, but he wants to, but he can’t. So he ends up just pointing and gasping. (screaming) Until the mom just grabs him by the head like, “Don’t look, honey, he’s special. “He’s special, honey.”

Then you got the Mexican kids. Now, yeah. Now Mexican kids, y’all are a little better, you’re a little better. ‘Cause you say stuff, but you say it in Spanish ’cause you think I don’t speak it. (audience laughing) It’s like, sorry, I’m from Southern California where if you don’t speak Spanish, you starve. Okay? So I speak Spanish. I know what these little kids are sayin’ when they’re like, (foreign language) Until the mom comes and hits him. “Mijo, do not look into his eyes. “It’s a chupacabra.” Fuck you! See some of you are laughing ’cause you know what that is. Some of the white people are like, “What’s a chupacabra?” (audience laughing) “Can you order that from Chipotle?”

But they’re not my favorite kids, no. My favorite kids, by far, black kids. Black kids have got it. ‘Cause they don’t give a shit. I love black kids, ’cause they see me, they drop whatever the fuck they’re doin’. They run across the damn street just, “Hey! “Hey! “What the hell is wrong with you?” You think the dad is offended, no, dad’s right behind him. “Yeah, what the hell is wrong with your midget ass?” “I got rims bigger than you.” Oh, shit. Basically, what I’m trying to say, ladies and gentlemen, the message behind my act, if you can pull one lesson from everything that I’m saying tonight, here it is. I want to be black. I do, I want to be black! It’s a wonderful time, it’s a wonderful time to be white in this country but want to be black. We found out last year that if you’re white in this country but you want to be black, they’ll let you be president of the NAACP. Yeah, we found that one out. You know what I’m talking about? Some of you are like, “What the hell?” I’ll explain, it’s a doozy, all right? In the great state of Washington there lives a woman, her name is Rachel Dolezal. She is president of her local chapter of the NAACP, National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. What a wonderful story. Oh wait, I forgot one minor detail. She white, okay? She’s white, and they announce this on the news, like, “A white woman is running the NAACP.” And I’m like, “What? “How did that happen?” They’re like, “She fooled everyone. “She fooled everyone. “Nobody knew she was white.” I’m like, how did no one know she was white? Was she just like turning down pumpkin spice lattes every minute? Like, “No, no.” Did she burn a pair of Uggs, like how the fuck did no one know she was white? They’re like, “She changed her appearance. “She looked black.” I’m like, “You can do that?” The Robert Downey Jr. Tropic Thunder surgery is real! (audience laughing) And they said, “Here, here’s what she looked like.” And they showed her picture. You guys remember seeing that picture? Yeah, was anyone fooled by that fucking picture? No one was fooled by that fucking picture. I knew that was a white woman. I could tell it was a white woman, ’cause I looked at the hair. The hair was a tell right there. Now that’s white hair. You put a pencil in that, it’s falling out. That’s not black hair, that’s not black hair. Stevie Wonder would have looked at her and be like, “That’s a white bitch.” (audience laughing)
Then they made the announcement. Rachel Dolezal is going to appear on the Today Show, and I’m like, “I’m watchin’ that.” So I watched it, and they asked her, “Why did you pose as a black woman?” Now if she had said something along the lines of, “Well, you know what? “I did what I did because I support black people, “I respect black culture, “and I felt that doing this gave me the best opportunity “to give back to my own community.” If she said something like that, I’d be like, “You know what? “Okay, I get it. “Little weird, but okay, I understand.” That’s not what she said. No, that’s not what she said. “Why did you pose as a black woman?” (scoffing) She did that, first of all. And if you’re trying to pass as a black woman, step one, don’t do that that shit. Don’t do (scoffing), don’t. A black woman has never done (scoffing), never done that in the history of man. They might have thrown in a mm-hmm every now and then, but never (scoffing), that is pure white suburban bitch right there, it’s pure. (scoffing) “What do you mean pose as a black woman? “What do you mean, I am a black woman. “I am a black woman because I identify as a black woman. “Yes, I might be black on the inside, “but I am white on the outside. “It’s like a reverse Oreo cookie.” (audience laughing)

People, we took the Caitlyn Jenner shit too far, okay? We did. Now that’s not me seeing anything negative against transgender people. Please do not mix my words. I support transgender people because, my God, if you’re born one sex, you live for a while as that sex, and you’re like, “You know what, no. “This is not what I’m supposed to be.” You wanna go through that entire process to change, you wanna go through the hormone therapies, have the plastic surgeries, write that really awkward email to your family, “Hey, not gonna have a dick anymore, Merry Christmas.” Like that’s, that’s gotta be tough, and I support you. Especially if you’re a dude and you become a woman. If you’re a dude and you become a woman, they take it, okay? They take it, and once it’s gone, it’s gone. It’s gone! It’s not like tattoos, you’re like, “Tattoos are permanent.” Tattoos are not permanent. You can get ’em lasered off, covered up, you can do all these different sorts of things to your tattoos. Can’t do that, once that’s gone, it’s gone. There’s no such thing as a re-dick-otomy, okay, like that’s not happening.

So I’m not against transgender people, no. I’m against all the people that ever since the Caitlyn Jenner thing, now they’re hopping on this I identify as bandwagon. That’s all you have to say is, “I identify as,” then whatever you say after that, we immediately have to treat you as such, no questions asked. So you can be like, “I identify as a black person.” We have to treat you like a black person. “I identify as a hamster.” We gotta get you a little ball, little water bottle. It’s like, fine, as long as we all get to do this, ladies, I identify as Channing Tatum. Suck my dick, okay? How ’bout that? What? I can be Magic Mike. I can be Magic Mike. Check that shit out right there. Yeah. That’s Magic Mike right there. I am Magic Mike, XXS. (audience laughing)
But I still understand what she’s saying. She wants to be black, great. I want to be black, I would love to be black. I’m halfway there. I’m halfway to being black, ’cause check it out, that is a black ass right there. I don’t care what you say. That is a black ass. Nikki Minaj got nothin’ on me. ♪ My anaconda don’t ♪ My anaconda don’t ♪ That’s a black ass. But I want to be full, I want to be 100%. I want to be a black midget! I’d be a nigglet. White people, that is the funniest joke you can never tell at work tomorrow. You’ll try, people would be like, “Oh, what’d you do last night?” “Oh my God, I saw this comedian, Brad Williams, “he’s a little tiny dude but he says “he wants to be a black midget. “He’d be called a (squeals).” (audience laughing) “You should go see him next time he’s in town. “That’s what you should go do.”

I get it, white people. I get that I can say things that a lot of you can’t. There’s a reason why. It’s not because I’m a comedian. It’s not because I’m clever. Here’s why I can say things that you can’t. I’m cute, okay, I’m very cute. I’m downright adorable. When you’re adorable, you just make things better. Dwarves make everything better. I made a car accident better recently. I did, true story. I was talking with my buddy, Adam, and while we’re talking, outside his apartment, this car is driving, spins out of control, slams into a light pole. I freak out, I look at Adam, I go, “I’m gonna go help.” He looks at me and goes, “What the fuck are you going to do?” He’s right, what the fuck would I do? My people are not exactly life savers, all right. You’ve never been at the beach, seen a dwarf lifeguard see someone drowning, put on two floaties, and be like, “I got this shit!” Okay, that’s never happened. But I wasn’t thinking about that. I just saw someone in trouble. I knew they needed help. I had to do something so I start running across the street. Now… you have to see this from the woman’s perspective. In her mind, she was driving along normally, having a great day, all of the sudden, she spins out of control, she slams into a light pole. She’s all discombobulated and then she just looks up and sees me like. (audience laughs) Just barreling across the street like I’m a retarded Avenger, okay. And then she has this moment where everything changed for her. It switched, she was depressed, obviously, in a car accident, traumatic experience. Sees me, everything goes the other way. It’s like, “Oh my God, what just happened to me? “I was just in a car accident. “What’s going to happen to my car? “Is it wrecked, is it totaled? “Is my insurance going to go up? “Am I okay, do I have to go to the hospital?” (gasps and screams) Like what was going through her mind? Like I’m pretty sure I get three wishes now! (audience laughs)

I make everything better. I made my own car accident better. Yes, I was in one and it’s embarrassing because it was my fault. I was an idiot, I was texting while driving, like a moron, head’s down, not paying attention. All of a sudden, I look up, nailed this dude’s car. Wrecked his car, wrecked my car. We both get out of the cars to assess the damage. He looks and sees me and just goes. “Worth it!” (audience laughing) That happened to me. Why did he say that? What was he thinking? “Well, hit a dwarf, that’s 25,000 points. “I’m kicking ass right now.”

I make everything better! Stressful situations like car accidents, I make better. I make boring things better, like grocery shopping. It’s boring but we all got to do it. We all got to grocery shop. You guys do it, I do it, part of the human condition. Nothing entertaining about grocery shopping. But if I buy one box of Lucky Charms, holy shit! Could you imagine being in a grocery store, you look down the aisle and just see me, jammin’ with my box of Lucky Charms. If you saw that, you’d be like, “Fuck it, I’m buying a lottery ticket. “This is the greatest day of my life.” (audience laughing)

I make everything better! Stressful situations, I make better. My people make boring situations better. Hell, my people even make porno better. You’re a freak, right there. You’re a freak. I like you though, I like you. Right now, look at all the people that laughed when I said make porn better, because those people have seen a midget porn. They know the magic that is midget porn. If you have not seen a midget porn before, what the fuck are you still doing here right now? Go home to your computers, type in and enjoy that shit, okay. It’s awesome, it’s amazing. And I don’t judge, I don’t judge you if you watch porn, if you watch midget porn because in my opinion, your porn should be a little weird. It should be a little freaky. It should be a little freaky. Legal, it should be legal. I don’t want you guys getting busted and be like, “The dwarf said it was okay!” No, I did not, I did not say that. But it should be a little weird because porn, yeah, porn is an escape from real life. You don’t want to see real life in your porn. You don’t want to see that. You don’t want to see what sex actually is in your porno. Reality sex, that’s two people banging as quietly as they can because their four-year-old is sleeping in the bedroom next to theirs. I’m not getting off to, “Shh, you’re gonna wake the baby.” Okay, that’s not hot to me.
No, porn is not about what you can do. Porn is about what you can’t do, what you want to do, what you’ve always fantasized about doing. Like I would love to watch a porno of two people just reaching shit. (audience laughing) Get it, get it, top shelf, bitch! I want that. But people assume I watch midget porn and I don’t. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t. I don’t judge you if you do but why would I watch midget porn? My life is a midget porn. If I wanted to see a midget porn, I would bang a girl next to a mirror, look left and go, “Alright!” Okay, that’s me. That’s not what I watch. But we’re all friends, I’ll tell you what I like to watch. Alright, I’ll tell you. This is honest too. (chuckles)

I like to watch black dudes have sex with Asian women. That’s my thing. Why do I feel like you’re all judging me right now? (audience laughing) Really, you’re going to judge me about what I like to watch like you’re holier than thou? Like if I go through all your browser histories, all I’m going to find is missionary with eye contact. Are you kidding me? No, I like to watch black dudes have sex with Asian women because for once in my life when a dick goes in a vagina, I would like to hear, “Ow.” (audience laughing) I don’t hear that. I don’t hear that, I put my stuff in, it’s like, “Yeah!” (disappointed groan) “Shit!” (audience laughing) You’re supposed to be afraid of it. And would it kill you ladies, would it kill you to just fake it, okay? I’m not talking about the orgasm, no. I already know you fake the orgasm. No, I’m talking about faking your level of cock respect. Yes, cock respect. Ladies, you have to understand something. When your man takes his penis out for you for the very first time, it’s an emotional moment, it is. We don’t know what you’re going to say. We don’t know how you’re going to react. We don’t know how we measure up to the ghosts of penis past that you’ve had in your life. We don’t know if you’re going to say something when you see it, like, “Is that it?” And by the way, how fucked up is that? “Is that it?” Like any man’s ever heard that and said, “Actually no, I have more dick.” (audience laughing) “Lucky for you, I always carry some spare dick with me.” No, just… Just give us a little encouragement, a little, “Attaboy.” Doesn’t have to be crazy, doesn’t have to be insane. You don’t have to win an Academy Award. You don’t have to see it and be like, “(gasping) I have never seen a penis “of such magnitude!” Like, you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to quote your favorite movie line, like, “Release the krakken.” Okay, you don’t have to do that. This is all you have to do. All you have to do the first time your man takes his penis out for you just look at my face, I’m going to show you what to do. Okay, this is all you do. See your man’s dick, this is what you do. (gasps) That’s it, that’s all you got to do, right there. Did you miss it? I’ll do it again, here you go. (gasps) That’s it, that’s all you got to do. If you do that, your man’s gonna be like, “Yeah, she’s afraid of this dick!” And then we’ll fuck you better. We will and I know I say that and there’s some women in the audience like, “Brad, why should I do that for my man? “My man would never do anything like that for me.”

Ah-ha-ha! Au contraire. We already do something like that for you, ladies. We do, we’re just really good at it. And you don’t know we do it. See, look at all the women right now, looking at me like, “What the fuck do you do? “What the fuck do you do?” Don’t worry, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you what we do. Ladies, do you think every titty is perfect? (audience laughing) No, they’re not but guess what? You’ll never know. You’ll never know because no man is ever going to do that to you. No man, because we are, we are always ecstatic when we see the titties. We are thrilled when we see the titties. We see the titties, we know there’s a damn good chance that we’re having sex right after that. So we are going to say absolutely nothing to fuck that situation up, okay. Nothing, no man has ever taken off a woman’s bra and just went, “Nope!” That’s never happened, ever! And ladies, there are some fucked up titties out there. There are some fucked up titties. Some of you women get boob jobs and you get like a lazy nipple, like points off in that direction. So like one titty is really into sex. The other one’s like, “Hey, what’s on TV over there?” (audience laughing) Some of you women have one, perfect, wonderful, spectacular titty then the other one’s like a little Downs Syndrome titty, just hangs on that side like that. If that’s the case, your man doesn’t care. We’ll have fun with the nice titty then we’ll have fun with the Downs Syndrome titty. We don’t give a shit. We’ll even talk to it in its own language. “Hey, you guys!” I know, I know. I say that and a lot of you are laughing. There are some women just like, “Brad, I get that those are jokes “but I’m serious, Brad, men do not like my titties. “They don’t like my titties, Brad, “because I have very small titties. “I am the president of the itty bitty titty committee “and men don’t like that, “they don’t like the small titties, Brad.”
Ladies, is that you? Are you in the audience right now, concerned with a low self esteem over the size of your small titties? Ladies, if that’s you, I have one piece of advice for you and this will work. Have sex with me. Okay, have sex with me. Yes, I will make you feel awesome about your small titties because I have small hands. I make everything look bigger, everything.

Alright. I like this. A lot of you are going to go home tonight and have sex after the show. Great, alright, I want you to. By yourself, that’s fine, that’s fine, not judging. That’s fine but I want you guys to have great sex and ladies, just understand that your man is freaky, okay. Whatever you think about your man, your man is freaky. However freaky you think your man is, add two Jared from Subways to that. Okay, just (audience boos) we’re freaky. We want to do some crazy shit. Now, I know there’s a lot of women, they’re like, “Oh no, Brad, not my man.” Especially your man, oh my God. I’m not worried about the guy that’s open with what he likes sexually. I’m not worried about the guy that’s like, “Yeah, I like some bondage, I like a little BDSM, “little BBW, interracial, I like that stuff.” I’m not worried about that guy. I’m worried about the guy that’s like, “I like nothing unusual when it comes “to things of a sexual nature.” That guy has a van and a basement, do not trust him, do not trust him. “My man is not freaky.” Fine, test it, test it ladies. Next time you’re having sex with your man, it’s going to end, right? And you know what time that is, right? You know, when the guy gets a little hitch in the giddy up, right. Like he’s all good for a while, like, “It’s my pussy, it’s my (clicking tongue).” Like that, he’ll just do that. And you know once you see (clicking tongue), once you see that, you’re like, “T minus 10 seconds ’til blastoff.” Like, you know that. When that happens, your man will say something to you. At some point, he’ll look at you and be like, “Baby, where do you want me to come?” Now, there is a thousand answers to this question but there’s only one answer you should never say, under any circumstances. Ladies, if your man says that, you should never, ever, ever look at your man and be like, “Anywhere you want to.” Never say that shit, ever. Now, I know a lot of women, you hear that and you’re like, “What, if I say anywhere, “he’s just going to come on my face “because that’s what he sees in the pornos. “It’s stupid, I don’t know why all you men “want to turn your women into glazed donuts. “It’s dumb.” Yeah, we do want to do that but you didn’t say, “On the face,” you said, “Anywhere.” And when you say anywhere, the devil comes up in the back of our heads. We’re like, “She said anywhere.” Then the angel pops up and says, “Okay, so maybe just like on her tits. “Maybe just on her tits, that’s someplace nice. “She can block it, she can like put it together “so it’s easy cleanup, like you could do that right there. “It’s fun, it’s nice, it’s easy, just on the tits.” “She said anywhere!” “Okay, maybe on the small of her back. “Right there on the small of her back, “like I said before, easy cleanup, “small tattoo right there for target practice. “It’s a pretty nice spot, alright.” “She said anywhere!” And we’ll check with you, we will check with you. We’ll always look at you like, “Baby, did you say anywhere?” If you look at us and be like, “Yeah, anywhere you want,” “Where’s your sister?” (audience groans) What? What? What? Your sister’s stomach constitutes anywhere. Why are you mad at me?

We’re freaks, we’re freaks. But we hold it in. I want you to know that we hold in the freak. That’s how much we love you. That’s how much we love you, when we hold in that freak every night. Do you know how hard it is to do that? Do you realize that every time your man has sex with you doggy style, we’re just looking down and we want to put a finger in that butt. Okay, we want to, how could we not? It’s been winking at us the entire time. We look down and see that, we go right back to preschool, like round peg, round hole. We just want to do that. Tonight, you have my permission. Do that move, fellas, do that move. Hell yeah, it’s a great move, power move. Lets her know who’s back here. A man’s back here. Right there, that’s good. A lot of you women hate me right now but don’t worry. Ladies, if your man does that to you, you can get a little revenge. You can get the revenge, yeah. Next time you’re down there, like, “Oh, you thought that was funny?” Like that, and just do that right there. Right now, a lot of men are looking at their women, “You will not do that to me later on tonight.” “Why not?” “It doesn’t feel good.” You’re lying, it feels amazing, okay. Obviously, you’ve never tried it. Now, don’t get me wrong ladies, a lot of that depends on you. If it feels good or not, it depends on you. It’s not going to feel good if you’re too aggressive with it. You know, it’s not going to feel good if you’re just like, “Ah, comin’ in hot!” Like, that’s not going to feel good. If you act like you just dropped your engagement ring down the disposer like, “Where is that thing?” Okay, like don’t do that, don’t do that. Here’s how it feels good. Just ladies, pretend like you’re playing a game of Jenga. Yes, Jenga, the tower game, right. You can’t knock the tower over. You got to be sensitive. You got to be very careful, you got to be like, “Alright, here we go, here we go.” (audience laughing) Right now, a couple of guys are like, “You can try that on me later. “You can try that.” And there will still be the guys, the homophobic guys who are like, “No Brad, no, you put a finger in the butt, “that makes you gay, that makes you gay!” Really, do you really think that? You think somebody can just make you gay? Just out of nowhere, just make you gay? Like there’s ever been a situation where a man is having sex with a woman, like, “I love pussy…” ♪ And cock ♪ ♪ The hills are alive ♪

I know, I have a very fucked up sense of humor. I do, but you have to understand where I get my sense of humor from. I get my sense of humor from my family, specifically my mom and dad. Even more specifically, my dad. Now, my parents are not dwarves. What? I know, I tell a lot of people that and sometimes, they’re like, “What?” Because they don’t believe that tall people can have dwarf children. They like look at me, and when they ask me, “Hey Brad, where are your mom and dad from?” They think I’m going to say, “Narnia.” It’s not where they’re from. And there’s no dwarves in my family at all. I am the only one so they weren’t expecting it. So like my dad, he’s this really athletic dude, tall, athletic dude and he thought his wife was going to give birth to a football player. Instead, she shot out a football. You gotta ask yourself, what would you do in that situation? What would you do? You found out your child was a little bit different? He wasn’t going to be like all the other kids, what would you do? How would you react if you knew for a fact, your son was guaranteed to be bullied when he got to school? Hopefully, you do what my dad did. He bullied me first. But he did it in a very awesome way. He would make fun of me and then he would tell me, “Alright, hit me back, hit me back with something. “That’s what you’re going to do. “Some kid’s going to come up to you. “He’s going to make fun of you. “What are you gonna do? “You gonna cry about it? “No, not my son. “You’re going to make him regret saying that to you. “You’re going to make him cry about it, “that’s what you’re going to do.” So he molded me, he trained me, he prepared me like Yoda and Luke Skywalker. The sizes were reversed, but you get the idea. So by the time I got to kindergarten, I was a trained verbal assassin. I walked into kindergarten with some swag, like, “I hope someone fucks with me today.” And someone did. Someone did fuck with me, I will never forget this. First day of school, we’re all lined up, right. And we’re taking roll. This kid runs out of line in front of the entire class, runs right up to me, points his finger in my face, and goes, “Ha ha, you’re little.” I looked at him and went, “Ha ha, your mom doesn’t live with your dad anymore.” Tears, tears, tears. I live in California, I had a 50/50 shot of getting that one right. So he starts crying,
I get sent to the principal’s office. I’m sitting there in the office. It’s me, it’s the principal, it’s the kid. Kid’s still crying because he’s a bitch. And the principal looks at me and he goes, “I can’t believe you made him cry. “I’m calling your father.” “Do it.” “Alright, I’ll do it.” So he gets the phone out, he calls my dad, gets my dad out of work, and says, “Mr. Williams, I’m here with your son, Brad. “He’s in my office today because he made “another little boy cry at school. “What do you have to say about that?” Here’s what my dad said. He goes, “Did he start it or did he finish it?” Yeah. I see. I see the old school parents clapping right now because you know what that means. Some of the younger parents are like, “What, what are you talking about? “Did he start it or did he finish it, “it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, Brad. “Both children made fun of each other. “They should both be punished equally. “They should be put in time out, “should be put in time out, Brad. “Time out means they can’t use their XBox for three minutes. “It’s not good, they’ll think about what they did “and then, and then they’ll be done “and they’ll want to learn something “and they’ll want to go outside. “Now, before they go outside though, “it’s very scary outside so you wanna “dip your child in a big vat of Purell, “just dip them in that Purell. “There’s no germs on them but you know, “they could fall so you want to be prepared for that. “So you put a helmet on them, “you put some wrist pads, some elbow pads, “some knee pads and then, “if they play competitive sports, “even if they get last place, “you can’t hurt their self esteem so if “you give them a three-foot tall trophy “and at the bottom of it, it says You’re Special.” Fuck you, fuck you! Stop it, stop it! (audience applauds) That’s not what you do! Did you start it or did you finish it? Because you’re never ever, ever supposed to start a fight but if you’re in one, you better damn well finish that thing. That’s the rule. If you start, if you start a fight, you’re an asshole. If you finish it, you’re a goddamned hero. That’s the difference. So my dad says that to him and the principal goes, “Well to be honest with you, “he finished it,” and my dad says this, on the speaker phone, he goes, “Well the problem with your school “is not my son, the problem with your school “is the other kid’s a pussy.” Click, hangs up. I’m dancing around the office. “That’s my dad, that’s my dad!” And then I look at the other kid. I’m like, “You see, that’s what a father does. “You would have no idea what a father does.” Finish him.

Dad was proud of me that day. I got Chuck E. Cheese that day. Awesome. Now, don’t think that just because I had that moment that my parents’ job was done. Because if you’re a parent, you know you never stop being a parent so my dad never stopped fucking with me, okay. Never, he even had to discipline me in a creative way because he’s old school, he wanted to discipline me because I would mess up. Just like any kid messes up. My dad, like he wanted to hit me but you can’t punch a dwarf, no, that’s, that’s 12 years bad luck, like you’re not doing that. So my dad never hit me. Here’s what he would do. When I would mess up, my dad would pick me up, put me on a counter, and then leave. Some of you get it. Some of you are like, “What’s the big deal?” Well, five foot counter, two foot human. Unless you leave a parachute, I’m not going anywhere for a while. One time at Christmas, I knocked over the Christmas tree. Dad got mad, picked me up, put me on the counter, called in my sister, was like, “Hey Katie, Katie, Katie, “come here, check it out, look what I got. “Elf on a shelf.” (audience laughing) 16th birthday, my dad wakes me up on my birthday, “Happy birthday, son. “I bought you a car.” Yeah! I run downstairs, run through the kitchen, get to the garage, open it up, Fisher Price Power Wheels sitting right there in the damn garage. Hey, I lived a block and half away from school. I still drove that thing to school. I had the first electric car, I was a visionary.

Now, I tell those stories about my father and a lot of you have the appropriate reaction. You laugh. Some of you, some of you get that look. I know that look. I say those stories and you’re like, “Oh, “Brad, that’s, that’s so sad. “Your father made fun of you. “What do you think that did to you, Brad?” Made me a man, shut the fuck up. Shut up. (audience applauds) I thank God every day that my dad made fun of me. I’m so thankful that he put a little adversity in my life. That way, I knew how to conquer adversity later. You have to ask yourself one question. Who do you want your kid to be? Do you want your kid to be ready for the world that is or the world that should be? Now, in the world that should be, there should be no murder, there should be no rape, there should be no ISIS, there should be no Justin Bieber, but that’s not the world we live in. We live in a world where unfortunately, all those things do exist so who do you want your kid to be? Do you want your kid to be the person that’s never had anything go wrong for them, ever? Smooth sailing the entire way? Never had anything wrong, never got hurt, never got a bruise, just running down the street every day, just ♪ Sunshine and lollipops ♪ No, you don’t want that kid. Because when something does happen to that kid, and it will, that kid’s not going to know what to do. People want to protect their children from life and to some extent, you have to do that but you have to let a little in because you’re never going to be able to protect them forever. Life, ladies and gentlemen, has an undefeated record. No one has gone through this thing unscathed, no one. My family got ours about two years ago. Two years ago, my dad came home and announced to the family that he had skin cancer. And we knew, as a family, like, “Alright, we got to deal with this.” And we started dealing with it. And then when my dad had to have part of his face removed for plastic surgery and try to get that cancer off his face, that didn’t work and we had to regroup. Then when he went through radiation treatment, that didn’t work, we had to regroup. Then he had to go through chemotherapy and I had to watch the man who raised me, the man who I loved more than anything in this world whither away to almost nothing but I was never truly scared because my dad raised me to never fear anything in this world more than him. I knew nothing on this planet was scarier than my dad, nothing is more powerful than my dad. I know this, my sister knows this, and now cancer knows it because he beat that son of a bitch. (audience cheers and applauds) You want to know how he did it? Ask him, because my father is sitting right here in the second row. (audience applauds) Thank you, thank you for teaching me. Thank you for teaching me never to quit. Thank you for teaching me to be a man and hopefully be the man that you could be proud of. And now, it is my dream, it is my goal to one day have son. Don’t get me wrong, he’s going to be taller than me. That scares the fuck out of me. But one day, I want to have that moment with my son where we’re arguing, just like any father and son does, and we’re having that moment and we’re arguing and we’re getting pissed off. It happens in every household. It is my dream that one day, my son will look down at me and get mad at me and pick me up and put me on a counter and be like, “Grandpa taught me that one, bitch.” Thank you guys very much for being a part of this. Thank you.

♪ bluesy rock music ♪

And thank you to UCI Medical Center for keeping my dad alive, I love you guys. Thank you.

♪ bluesy rock music ♪

– [Voiceover] Give it up for Brad Williams!

♪ bluesy rock music ♪

– Alright, showtime, we got an audience. We just need a comedian. One comedian. – I am a professional stand up comedian and I would love to go on stage. – I don’t think so. – Okay, you just said you needed a comedian and I’m here, I’m ready to go so what do you mean? – Alright, look, let’s just see how you size up, okay. – Size up? – Yeah, see, the sign says must be below this line to go on stage, so. – (chuckles) Is this for real? Are you serious? I’m a professional stand up comedian. I’ve been in movies, okay. I co-host a popular About Last Night podcast. Heard of it? – Yeah, you’re too big, sorry. – Okay, well, I’m small where it counts. If that’s helpful. – Okay sir, can you just step to the side please? – This is bullshit! A line is going to determine whether I go on stage or not? – (clears throat) Yes. The sign says must be below this line, okay. If the sign said must be wearing body spray that smells like a dragon farted on a glass of Mountain Dew, you would be perfect. – Okay, I take offense to that. Vin Diesel is a good friend of mine and his cologne, okay, is very expensive. – Hey, I heard you needed a comedian. – Yes, yes, perfect. Let’s see how you measure up right here. – Oh, sure, sure. – Yes, perfect. – Awesome, let’s do this. Nice cologne. – See? – Alright, we’re ready. – That was a cute jump. – Adorable. – I fucked him, this is weird. This isn’t weird though. It’s weird.

♪ upbeat music ♪


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts