Beth Stelling’s stand-up comedy special, “If You Didn’t Want Me Then,” was recorded at the Victoria Theatre in Dayton, Ohio, which is her hometown. The show was released on Netflix on October 3, 2023.
“If You Didn’t Want Me Then” is a hilarious exploration of relationships, self-discovery, and the absurdities of life. Beth brings her signature style to the stage, delivering a performance that is both deeply personal and universally relatable.
* * *
[loud bang]
[rock music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[mouthing] Thank you, guys. What’s up, Dayton? Thank you.
[rock music ends]
[sucks teeth] I’m gonna set up my little office here. I’m gonna need these glasses later. My… My vision is declining rapidly. [crowd laughs] Anybody else feel like they’ve been aging in dog years? [crowd laughs] Everything to me looks like, you know, those public park restroom mirrors that are just a buffed sheet of metal? [crowd laughs] [exhales sharply] I’m getting ready like, “I’m seeing a general outline here.” [groans] “That’ll do.” [crowd laughs] I have a whole new appreciation for my teachers in their sixties growing up, who always had, like, mascara right here… [laughs] …and a buzz cut situation. [laughs] I mean, I get it. Work smarter, not harder. [crowd laughs] And now is also the perfect time to announce I plan to age.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] Thank you.
[crowd cheering, applauding] Naturally, ideally from the comfort of my own home. Somebody’s got to do it. We need a control group in Los Angeles. [chuckles] [crowd laughs] Otherwise, we won’t know what old ladies look like. [chuckles] [crowd laughs] So I volunteer. [crowd laughs] If I do get surgery, it’s going to be a lobotomy. [chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
[inhales] My friend Monica wants one too, and I just told her, “Fuck it, let’s get our heads done!” [crowd laughs] Let’s get our heads done. [crowd laughs] I ran that joke by my mom first, and… [laughs] …her response was, “Wouldn’t that be nice?”
[crowd laughs, applauds]
[chuckling] Curveball Diane. [scoffs] [inhales deeply] The pandemic was rough on us all. [chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
I used to be able to shock her. [laughs] Not anymore. I’m very grateful for my mom. She raised me and my two older sisters, who I’m very close with. I met them through my mom in the late ’80s, and… we’ve remained close. My mom’s cool. She absolutely loves the Olympics. She’s obsessed. Huge o-head. Her words. [crowd laughs] She’s also pretty big fan of me. You know, she won’t stop texting. And…
[crowd laughs]
She likes to hype me up, you know, before shows. And one time, before a show, she said to me, “Bethy, you are so good at stand-up comedy.” “If it were an Olympic event… [crowd laughs] …you would win gold in the women’s stand-up comedy.” [crowd laughs, applauds] [cheering] She did raise us right here in Dayton, Ohio. [crowd cheering] [Beth] Mmm. I knew you guys would be happy for me. [chuckles] [crowd laughs] Not everybody shows us the respect we deserve. You know, we’re the birthplace of aviation.
[crowd cheering]
Yeah. North Carolina has been coming for us for years. [crowd laughs] Their license plates say, “first in flight.” [scoffs] It’s like, “Okay.” [crowd laughs] It was built in Dayton. We just used you for your wind. [crowd laughs, applauds] [crowd cheering] [Beth chuckling] The flights were short. They meant nothing to them! Shitty hawk. [crowd laughs, applauds] [Beth chuckling] My passions have changed since you saw me last. [scoffs] I’m very into aviation now. [crowd laughs] Nah. We all spent the last couple of years differently. Me personally, I searched the Wright brothers on the internet a couple times. [chuckles] Just to learn about my heritage, the city I come from. [sucks teeth] It’s funny how our whole motto is based upon two men who literally wanted to fly away. [laughs] And they couldn’t.
[crowd laughs]
[laughs, sighs]
[crowd applauds, cheers] Nonetheless, back in 1892, Wilbur and Orville, they had a bike shop. They were old before they flew. [crowd laughs] I thought they did popcorn for a bit, but that is Redenbacher. [crowd laughs loudly] Now, you can still go visit it, the original bike shop… The first one has been torn down, as I’m sure everybody here knows. Uh… [chuckles] I believe there’s a credit union or something, but you can still visit the fourth one over… over on Williams. You can poke your head in there, yeah, see all the photos of… of Wilbur and Orville working on the bikes. And there’s another dude in there helping them. There’s no ladies working at the bike shop. [clicking tongue] [crowd laughs] If they let us in there, we would have gotten to Peloton much faster. [crowd laughing, cheering] And the seats would have been more comfortable too. [crowd laughs] No, I realize it’s… it’s silly to get your tail in a knot over firsts. Like, he was first to do something, because I guess you got to ask, “Were you first, or were you the only one allowed to do it?” [chuckles] [crowd laughs] He was that one. [chuckles] [crowd cheering] I’m scratchy.
This is Sleepytime tea. [laughs]
[crowd laughs] [chuckles] I’m just, like… [snores] My, um… [smacks lips] …my mom is a pianist, which was funny for a while. [crowd laughs] She taught elementary school music, uh, for 34 years, and I would… I grew up going to visit her classroom even into college. And one time I was visiting her class. She had a second grade group in there. And she was teaching them that song, one, two, buckle, my shoe, three four shut the… You know, classic. [crowd laughs] She has all the kids in a circle. Circles are huge in the music industry. [crowd laughs] And she’s having them finish, you know, like one, two, three, four, five, six. She gets to nine, ten, and she points to this little second grade boy. She says, “Nine, ten,” and he goes, “Big fat asshole.” [laughs] [crowd laughs] I literally had to steady myself on the door frame. I was laughing so hard. My mom was like, “Jonathan, you go sit by the door!” [chuckles] I was like, “Not over here. He’s killing.” [Beth laughs] Nine, ten, big fat asshole? [laughing] It doesn’t even rhyme. [grunting] This kid’s a genius. What, was he just saving it up all day for Diane’s class? Knowing that the worst that would happen to him was like, “Jonathan, you go sit by the door.” “You’re too young to be alone in the hallway, but you’re out of the circle!”
[crowd laughs]
[laughing] I don’t even know how old second grade is. Nobody tell me.
[crowd chuckles]
I was like, “Where did he get that?” “Was it a dare?” I personally like to think he probably heard it at home, or some version of it. [laughs] But I have a wild imagination, so. I like to think it was probably his mom… [chuckles] [crowd laughing] …saying it to his dad. [chuckles] “You’ve been gone from 9 a.m. to 10 p.m., you big fat asshole!” [crowd laughing] “I could use a little help.” “Especially from five to six, when you’re probably out sucking dicks!” [crowd laughing] “Try to come home again at 3 or 4.” “I’m going to shut the door in your big fat asshole face!”
[crowd laughs, applauds]
“Oh, Jonathan, I’m sorry you had to see that.” [crowd laughs] [sighs] That is his real name. I… [crowd laughs] I’ve left it his real name in case he needs to find me, uh… [crowd laughs] [Beth chuckles] I wanna know the truth. He should be making his way to the stand-up scene any day now, and… I’ll ask him myself. [crowd chuckles] She also did the high school chorus, and that was after school. So I’d go over there, so I wouldn’t have to have a babysitter. And she would have the chorus up on the risers. And I would be in the aisles doing cartwheels and back walkovers, some splits and stuff, trying to get the high school boys’ attention. [chuckles] [crowd laughs] I had crushes on all of them. They were up here, singing their hearts out. It was hot. [crowd laughs] And I don’t know, I was probably in, like, third or fourth grade. You’re a gymnast when you’re young because you’re unaware of the many ways that your neck can break. [crowd laughs] And there’s a lot of benefits to being a gymnast. You know, you’re strong, you’re flexible, the leotards and stuff. [inhales] My mom used to describe my legs as tree trunks, which I tried to explain was damaging, but… now I love it, you know? You could parkour off these babies. [chuckles] [crowd laughs] I’m probably going to end up doing a… [sucks teeth] …open-leg casket.
[crowd laughs]
So… chorus is up here. I’m in the aisles. I have a huge crush on this baritone named Tim. And my mom makes the mistake of letting Tim babysit for me.
Very dangerous.
[crowd laughs] For him. My love language is sexual harassment. [chuckles] [crowd laughs loudly] Most of the time he spent babysitting, he was stiff-arming the top of my head. Like… [chuckles] While I was like… [roaring] [chuckling] Like this, trying to touch his junk.
[crowd laughs]
We were an all-female household. I had curiosities. [sucks teeth] But Tim… Tim was very good to me, uh… He took me to the gas station to get candy. Um, he got me a stuffed elephant one year for my birthday. Point is, good guy. [man laughs] And then more… It could have been his laugh. [crowd laughs] Recently, I actually ran into Tim at the grocery store, at Dorothy Lane Market.
[crowd cheering]
[laughs] Some fans of the Killer Brownie. [crowd laughs] So, Tim and I were catching up, and he’s like, “Bee, oh my gosh, it’s been ages.” And we were talking and chatting. And he was like, “Oh my gosh, I’m so happy for everything that you’re up to.” And then Tim asked me out on a date.
[crowd cheers]
Thank you. [crowd laughs] And I just looked at him and I said… [chuckling] “If you didn’t want me then…” [crowd laughing] [chuckling] Bit of a pedophile joke. I think it was fun. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] You have to be careful with pedophilia because you can catch it just by touching a kid. [chuckles]
It’s…
[crowd laughs]
[chuckling]
[crowd applauds] [inhales deeply] Mmm. So, we had guinea pigs growing up, and we kept them in our garage. And in the hot Ohio summers, they absolutely died in there. [crowd laughs] And my sister reminded me… [chuckles] …we named one of the pigs Brownie, which, in retrospect, is extra sad. She was out there straight baking at 375.
[crowd laughs]
[sucks teeth] And my mom felt awful, okay? So she let us give him a proper burial in the backyard. And me and my sisters took those hard-bodied pigs… Not like ripped, but rigor mortis hard. And… we buried them in the easiest place to dig. We put them right in the sandbox. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] Then a couple of neighborhood dogs came along… [snores] …snarfed them right up. [chuckling] It was a tragedy all around, and I really feel like it could have been avoided if we just had a dad. [chuckles] [crowd laughing] I don’t know what dads do. But I assume it’s regulate the garage temp. [crowd laughs] They’re always in there tinkering around, planning their escape. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] No, my dad didn’t escape as much as he was asked to leave.
[chuckles] Escorted off the premises.
[crowd laughs] Some of you know this about my… my dad. When I was little, he moved down to Orlando, Florida, to become an actor, which is not where you go. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] He did land a few gigs. Uh, he… he was an extra in the television series of Swamp Thing. Uh, he was a truck driver in that. And… that’s it.
Um…
[crowd laughs] [chuckles] Then he took things into his own hands, started his own business, and now he’s in the sign spinning biz. He calls it live roadside commercials, or… or character directionals. He likes to devise a character and then present it to the cars.
Um…
[crowd laughs] He’s a leprechaun in front of this Irish pub called the Kerryman, for example, and the rest of his characters are available on his website. [crowd laughs] [sucks teeth] So, we grew up around a lot of costumes, like thrifting and going to Ray’s Circus of Value and stuff. For example, he loves a morphsuit. You know what those are?
[man] No.
[woman] Yeah.
It’s like what Olympic speed skaters wear, but there’s no hole cut for your face.
[crowd laughs]
So you’re just in a single Lycra suit, just one color head to toe, no skin’s showing. He wears an orange one in front of the Orange Julius. [crowd laughs] I don’t know how the silhouette of my dad’s penis sells smoothies, but… [chuckles] That was a bit of a tongue twister. I really got through it. “Silhouette of my dad’s penis sells smoothies.”
[crowd laughs]
He heard me say that, and he was like, “I wear shorts over it. I’m family-friendly.” [chuckles] All right. [Beth chuckling] It doesn’t rain that often in Orlando, and he called me one time after a shift. He said, “There was a sudden downpour, and I almost waterboarded myself.” “I was like…” [panting] “…I couldn’t breathe.” “It was stuck to my face. My fingers were covered.” “The zipper’s on the back of my head. I nearly died.” [crowd laughs] “I had to get into the car. I was so embarrassed.” [chuckles] I was like, “It’s only embarrassing when it’s wet?”
[crowd laughs]
[Beth chuckles] Anyway, he made it out. So, my sisters and I would have to leave our mom here in Dayton and go visit our dad as kids in Orlando because it was court-ordered. And… [chuckles] …we didn’t have a ton to do down there, uh, because we didn’t go to school, so we, like, couldn’t make friends, and all the neighbors were… old or from Florida.
Uh… [laughs]
[crowd laughs] So we did a lot of playing in the costumes. And there were a ton of them. The garage was wall-to-wall filled with costumes. Sometimes, we would find strangers in there. [crowd laughs] Because they thought it was a garage sale. [chuckles] [crowd laughs] So, one night, it was just me and my oldest sister, Meghan, we’re playing in the costumes, doing a photo shoot. [inhales] I put on, um, this, like, muscle tee. You know what I mean? A muscle tee, but then there’s huge latex muscles that you put your arms through. And then a brown curly wig, and, um, it just wasn’t working for me. I was like, “What’s my motivation?” You know? So… Then Meghan put on this, like, gray pinstripe suit, a Dick Tracy hat, and some wingtip shoes. And she… It was really working for her. Uh, she was feeling herself. And so I decided to go with something fresh, unopened. I went and put on this full red lace bodysuit. And then we whipped up the tunes, we were dancing around. Meghan is, like, six years older than me. We’re dancing. I do a high kick, and Meghan goes, “Oh my God, Beth!” [inhales] “There’s a hole in the crotch of that.” [crowd laughs] [exhales sharply] I was like, “Cool!”
[crowd laughs]
“So you can pee?” [chuckling] She was like, “Um, yeah, take it off right now.” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I was just a sixth grader in a sex suit. Then… [chuckles] This is when my dad comes in. I believe we were told to be quiet. And… He’s… He pokes his head in. He’s like, “Girls, get out here. You’re gonna want to see this.” And we were like, “Do we want to see what’s in your backyard at midnight in Orlando, Florida?” What we didn’t expect to see were just 18 raccoons eating out of a huge trough of dog food that he provided them.
[crowd laughs]
He goes, “I threw in some Hershey Kisses.” [chuckles] “Even raccoons deserve dessert.” [chuckles] I was like, “That I agree with, honestly.” “Everybody deserves dessert. Otherwise, this is disgusting.” He said, “Don’t worry, Bee.” “Every night, after they’re done eating, I bleach the deck.” [chuckling] “What?” “You’re telling me you’ve created for yourself a 12 a.m. to 2 a.m. unpaid raccoon internship?” [crowd laughs] “Take back your life, man.” As you can imagine, over the years, the numbers skyrocketed exponentially. He was helping rodents flourish in the back. He told me recently they’re actually mammals from the weasel family. [chuckles] Well, I thought the highest the number got was 73. But he FaceTimed me a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t pick up, and… [chuckles] …if I don’t pick up, he’ll text right away. He’s like, “Beth, this is your dad.” [chuckles] So our whole text thread is just like, “Beth, this is your dad.” “Beth, this is your dad.” “Beth, this is your dad.” [laughs] Which seems weird, but, like, he’s right. I never save his number.
So, it’s good.
[crowd laughs] [smacks lips] But he told me that the highest it actually got was 91. Ninety-one raccoons. But back when it was still in the forties, um… my sister decided to calculate how much he was spending on dog food per year, because she was hoping to go to college, and…
[crowd laughs]
[smacks lips] …apparently he was spending $4,000 a year on dog food. Didn’t calculate the Hershey Kisses. Apparently those are marginal. [crowd chuckles] He goes, “I know it’s a problem.” “But on the off nights I don’t feed ’em, they take their long skinny fingers, they pick up rocks from the rock garden, and they roll them up and down against my bedroom window until I come out and feed ’em.” [silent scream] [chuckling] “What?” [chuckles] “Call an exterminator immediately!” But I just didn’t think about what the phone call would be like for him. Just like, “Yeah, we got a little bit of a raccoon problem on our hands.” “How many?” [sucks teeth] “Exactly 91.” [crowd laughing] “Do you need their names or… No? Okay.” “How did it happen?” “Whoo! My goodness.” “I got to tell you, uh, direct result of my actions.” [crowd laughs] So, it’s like far too expensive to exterminate. So… And plus, it would be a literal genocide. I… [laughs] Ninety-one raccoon carcasses. It’s like up to here. So… he decides to go with trapping and releasing into the wild. He bought two traps, but they were expensive. So he made one of his own, which I imagine was just a piece of fruit in his mouth, and his open arms. Like… [crowd laughing, applauding] [laughing] He was taking them one by one. [chuckles] He was releasing them into the wild. He was very proud because it took so long, so he liked to update me. He’s like, “So far, I’ve got 39 raccoons, two possums, and a black cat.”
[crowd laughing]
“There’s still a bunch of them out there. Biguns.” He was taking them in his car. He drives a Geo, which is essentially a roller skate. [crowd laughing] And… he was putting a blanket over the cage. I was like, “So they can’t find their way back or…” He’s like, “I didn’t want them to get rattled.” He’s like, “But still, they poke their fingers through the blanket, and they sound like Halloween.” [crowd laughing] [scoffs] I don’t know if I’ve painted a good picture of my father thus far, but… [crowd laughs loudly] …this is the same man who visited me in Chicago once, when I was living there, and he described riding the L train “like Jurassic Park.” [chuckles] So I have no clue what he’s talking about when he says “they sound like Halloween.” Whether it’s like… [mimics suspenseful music] Like one of those ghosts you walk by at CVS. It’s like… [mimics a ghost moaning] [laughs, sighs] He’s like, “Did I tell you one of them got out in the car?” [crowd laughing] I was like, “No, but it sounds like you do want to tell me.” He’s like, “Thankfully, I was just outside the driveway, so I open the back hatch, it hissed at me, and I drove off.” [chuckles] I was like, “Been there.”
[crowd laughs]
He was taking… When he said “releasing them into the wild,” I thought he was taking them to his neighbors’ trash cans. Like, “One for you. One for you. One for you.” But on that FaceTime… I did call him back, and he told me, “Listen. News developed.” He said, uh, “Under the cover of night, I’ve been taking them over to the Kerryman because there’s a fresh water source.” Now, if you recall, the Kerryman is where my dad is a leprechaun in front of. So… [chuckles] …he just increased his job description to, like, “Get in here for the lunch deals, and don’t look at all these raccoons I dropped off.” [crowd laughs] So he goes, “I finally got down to the lead raccoon.” “And I walked him over there. I put his cage down in the grass, and I just was standing there in my swim trunks.” [chuckling] I was like, “Were you baptizing them before they left?” [crowd laughs] He’s like, “And Snorkie walked right out of his cage.” “They don’t always do.” “And he walked over to me, and with his bare hand…” [laughing] I’m like, “What else would it be?” [crowd laughs] Were you putting them in little outfits? “I’m gonna need the gloves back, my guy.” “And the top hat as well. Yeah.” “Thank you so much. Keep the cane. You’re gonna need it.” He goes, “Snorkie walked over to me, and with his bare hand, he went like this on my crock.” [crowd laughing] “As if to say, ‘Thank you.'” [chuckles] I was like, “Yeah, or as if to be like, ‘Here’s rabies, bitch.'”
[crowd laughs]
“Thanks for ruining me and my closest 90 relatives’ lives.” “You know what doesn’t grow out here? Dog food and Hershey Kisses.” “We’re f’ed!” “Take me back.” [laughs] [crowd laughs] Only difference between me and the raccoons is I’ve never been on a Christmas card.
Uh… [laughs]
[crowd laughs] I’m fine with it. I’m at peace. [chuckles] I always liked spending Christmas here better. It always feels weird to have a warm Christmas. I also feel like, because I grew up here in Dayton, I got most of my alcohol drinking out of the way in eighth grade. [crowd laughs] And then, by the time high school rolled around, I was pretty grizzled, you know? [chuckles] “I gotta get my shit together.”
[crowd laughing, applauding]
Who else is going to lead this field hockey team to State for the first time in 15 years? [crowd cheering] For those of you, uh, that don’t know, field hockey is a sport, and… [crowd laughing] …you play it with a stick and… and a ball. People used to call us “Chicks with Sticks…” [chuckles] …and then inevitably “Chicks with Dicks.” It’s like, “Who would want to get penetrated by a long wooden stick when I have a perfectly good mouth and finger?” No, I’m just kidding. I… [laughs] No, I’ve actually… I’ve never… or I should say, I haven’t yet gone down on a woman. Um… I have had a man go down on me so badly, I’ve thought, like, “Let me down there.” [chuckles] [inhales] “Just to see.” [chuckles, inhales] “It can’t be that hard.” [chuckles] Especially if you love her. Okay. Back to my eighth grade drinking problem. [crowd laughs, applauds] [laughs, sighs] We would, uh… We would sleep over at Mary’s house, and we would sneak out around midnight, cross Irving into the University of Dayton.[crowd cheers]
Well, you might want to wait. Uh…
[crowd laughs] [laughs] We would wander into a frat house, get hammered, and then some of my girlfriends would hook up with the frat dudes. See? [laughs] A little rugged to think about college dudes hooking up with eighth grade girls. [chuckles] I feel like the only time men believe women is when we’re lying about being 18. [laughs] [crowd laughs] [Beth sighs loudly] [crowd cheering, applauding] [laughs] Frat dudes are like, “What am I supposed to do? Check her ID?” I’m like, “Check… [hesitates] …check her face.”
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] Is it underdeveloped and over-contoured? Does it look like she still believes in Santa? [laughs] Are her teeth still white? Behind the braces. [crowd laughs] Naturally, that night, in eighth grade, me and my girlfriends were arrested… [chuckles] …for being too young and hot. [crowd laughs] Well, that was a body roll for anybody who forgot eighth grade. [laughs] I used to practice the body roll in the mirror before dances. I’d be like… [groaning] “Yes!” Sometimes, I’d really kick an arm out to really get it going. [chuckling] Get out there and make some boys cream their khakis. [crowd laughs] Okay, honestly, I had no clue what I was doing, for the record. I had no clue I was making you guys tuck your boners up in your waist pants. [crowd laughs loudly] Just one lift of the shirt, I could have looked it directly in the eye, like… [shouts] [crowd laughing] Late apology from me. I’m sorry. I’ll type it up in the notes app. Post it later. [sucks teeth] But it was campus police who got us. So there was a cop car ride, but… but no cuffs. And then they took us back to the stesh very late at night and put us in a badly lit conference room, where they made us wait it out. And we were scared. [crowd laughs] And then, finally, a cop came in, and he picked up the phone book, and he slammed it down on the table, and he said, “Call your parents.” [scoffs] I was like, “I know the number.”
[crowd laughs]
[laughing]
[crowd cheering]
“Call your parents?” “I only have a mom! Why do you think I’m down here?” [crowd laughs] She did pick me up. Uh… Not very pleased with it, but… She… she said, “Something bad could’ve happened to you.” “They could’ve taken advantage of you. I’m just glad you’re okay.” I was like, “I’ve got no tits.” [crowd laughs] She said, “But you have an excellent personality.” [crowd laughs, applauds] “Now get in the van!” [laughs] What if my mom was like, “Now get in the van!” “We’re driving you right back to Sigma Chi, and we’re going to get you one of those frat dudes!” [laughs] I did drive home though, actually. Um, after the pandemonium dust settled, I drove from California to Ohio. I just wanted, like, to feel in charge instead of flying, you know? And my mom was very worried about me driving alone, cross-country. I mean, I was worried about me. I tinted my windows, I bought a knife. But… there’s other things to worry about besides being the hottest person at a rest stop. [crowd laughing] [laughs] For example, um, yeah, if you are traveling alone, hot tip. If someone suspect starts swiftly walking towards you, you can just say, “I’ve actually already been raped. Thank you so much.” [laughs] “I’m good. Thank you.” And men hate to be second, so they’re, “Thank you for letting me know.” [crowd laughing] And then they’re out of there. I also went camping one of the nights, alone. I went camping in Zion National Park. It was the summer everybody was disappearing. And I was like, “Let’s give it a whirl.”
[crowd laughs]
I’m not even a huge camper.per. I just… I feel like it’s a good thing to do, to try, you know, at least once, alone, especially if you go into it with the perspective of, like, this is what it’s like to be a woman in the world, especially at night, because you can’t lock a tent flap.
If you know what I mean. [chuckles]
[crowd chuckles] [sucks teeth] If I would, I could. Uh… So I’m in my tent. Night has fallen. I have barricaded the flap as best I can. [crowd laughs] And I heard, like, the snap of a branch, and I grew scared. And that is when I decided to be two people. And I did the voices of two people within my tent.
[crowd cheering]
[laughing] And what we discovered there is… [laughing] …when I have every opportunity in the world in front of me, my husband is so mean to me. [laughing] [sighs] I was like, “Goodnight, honey.” And he said, “You go to bed!” [crowd laughs] “But first, you suck my dick!” [crowd laughs] [inhales deeply, scoffs] I was like, “Okay.” “At least I’m not alone right now!” [crowd laughing] I made the campers around me fall asleep to the sounds of me choking. [laughs] Just to keep it realistic. I did open with one bark up top. [mimics zip up] Directly into the tip. Just… I always do it just to show it who’s boss. [crowd laughs] [laughing] Other than that, I’m not much of a risk-taker. Uh… I don’t gamble. I would never bungee jump or… or get married. I… [chuckles] If I had to choose any of those risks… [sucks teeth] …I’m probably gonna bungee.
[crowd laughs]
I’m gonna bungee it. I got to figure like a grouping of synthetic fibers has to be stronger than two people making a promise. [laughing] [inhales deeply] Eh… And plus it’s, you know, it’s easier to bounce back from.
I…
[crowd laughs] [chuckles] Of all the messaging I’ve received as a gal in this world, I do feel most at peace with my decision not to wed. Sometimes it’s hard to separate messaging from what you really want. And other times your body will kick in, you know. Like, I might still want kids. I just know I won’t have time to come home and let them out. [chuckles] [crowd laughs] It’s something you got to consider, uh, before you get into the kid biz. Me and my boyfriend, we’re actually trying and trying and trying, but I’m on birth control. And… [chuckles] [crowd laughs] [inhales] …it makes it difficult, uh, to conceive. Over the years, I have experimented recreationally with all different forms of birth control. And the first one I got into was, um, was the IUD. I had that for, like, eight years, and I got so much done. And… I remember when I got the second one inserted, the nurse asked me, she said, “Your uterus is tilted backwards.” “Did you know that?” And I remember thinking, “Don’t know how I could.” [chuckles] “But what you’re telling me is even my uterus is like…” “Mm-mm.” [chuckles] [crowd laughs] “We’re good.” And then, more recently, I had to get an ultrasound, and I found out I actually have a bicornate uterus, which means my uterus is like heart-shaped, which is pretty on brand for me.
[crowd laughs]
But what it meant was, uh, the IUD… This is, um, my impression of an IUD. [smacks lips] It was in there, bopping him on the head or whatever it’s doing. [groans] [crowd laughs] And… some of them could have, you know, swam around and then gotten in trouble up in these parts. So, point being, that was not the right form of birth control for my body. So in my thirties, I started taking the pill, just ’cause I wanted to know what it would be like to be a different person. [crowd laughs, applauds] And we found out. Uh… They started me on Yaz. Has anybody here tried or tasted Yaz? [crowd laughs] You have. Are you still on it, or…?
[woman] No.
No. You got Yazzed. [crowd laughs] I would describe it as psychological warfare. Uh… They really don’t want us to be in charge. [chuckles] Like, “If you’re not gonna have kids to keep you at home, this will, you crazy bitch.”
[crowd laughs]
[laughing]
[crowd applauding, cheering] Does anybody want… No pressure. Does anybody want to share why they stopped taking Yaz, or…? I just like to open the floor in case anybody needs to, um, get something off their chest, um, or, you know, if you’re with somebody you took it for and want them to know what you went through. [crowd laughs] Depression? Rock on. [laughs] Add it to the fun list. Anybody? Again, no presh. This is for you. [crowd laughs] I’ve done all my research. I’ll go. Um…
[crowd laughs loudly]
I feel like being on that birth control…
[woman] Multiple personalities!
Oh, and she’s a little late, that one.
[crowd laughs]
[Beth laughing] We’re glad you’re both here.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
[laughing]
[crowd cheering]
[sighs] No, but I do feel like being on that birth control is the closest my boyfriend will get to a threesome. Just like, “me and me!”
[crowd laughs]
[laughing] I still keep three extra months of it in my purse. Uh… [chuckles] Just in case I need to… lift a car.
Uh…
[crowd laughs] [chuckles] Or I meet another person that wants to… [whispers] “…start a fire.” [crowd laughing] I did have… I will say we did have some fun with that birth control, because we’d do some birth control bits, my boyfriend and I, you know, like rough stuff. Uh… ‘Cause I would take it… I would take it before bed. Um, and so I’d be sitting across the bed from him in our matching morphsuits with the hole cut out, and… [crowd laughs] I would say to him, “Thank you for reminding me to take the pill.” He didn’t, but I like to put that on him. [chuckles] And then I would take the pill, and he’d make me lift up my tongue to make sure I swallowed it, like… [crowd laughs] And then we would do tasting notes with the birth control. Because he considers himself a bit of a sommelier, so. He’d say, “What are some of the flavor profiles you’re getting from that? I’m a sommelier.” And I’d say, “Um, I’m getting, like, salty tears.”
[crowd laughing]
“And jealousy.” And then he’d feel bad and give me a kiss. And I’d be like, “Um, it’s so powerful. Any residual flavor profile for you?” And he was like… [sucks teeth] “Total peace and freedom.” [laughs] [laughing maniacally] “Night, night!” [crowd laughing] So after that, they did switch me, uh, to other birth control. [chuckling] I switched to Larin Fe which is generic for low estrogen. Not sponsored. I don’t know why I got so specific. [chuckles] I wish. Can you imagine if I was sponsored by Larin Fe? [chuckles] They just reached out on Instagram. They’re like, “Hey, what’s up?” “We saw you made the switch.” [crowd laughs] “Curious if you could do a quick promo bit for us.” I’d say, “Sure.” And they’d say, “Action!” I’d just be like, “Um…” “It’s like a little bit better. I don’t know.”
[pretends to sob]
[crowd laughs] [moans] “Should I read the side effects? Or…” They’re like, “Please don’t do that!” I’d be like, “That’s weird, ’cause I actually… always have the side effects printed out with me at all times.” [crowd laughs] “The, uh, side effects of Larin Fe are nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, bloating, spotting, changes in menstrual flow, nipple discharge.” [laughs] “Not yet, but here it comes.”
[crowd laughs]
[chuckling] “Breast tenderness, breast enlargement, changes in weight, rash, depression, sleep problems, weakness, tired feeling, mood changes, yeast infection.” I guess we’re starting to see why nobody wanted to yell anything out. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] Somebody’s here on a first date, and they’re like, “Yeast infection!” “Today, tomorrow, and every night, baby!” [laughs] Their date is like, “That’s why you’re shifting around in your chair.” [crowd laughs] I actually do have a, um, a yeast infection joke that I can never really find a home for, but… [laughs] This does feel like a good spot for it. And… I did hear a chant from the back that was like, “Tell it. Tell it. Tell…” [inhales deeply] Thank you. So the yeast infection joke goes like this. I won’t know that you’re cheating on me, but my hoot will, because it turns into, like, an old southern chef that’s like, “I knew you were having guests, so I baked something.” [crowd laughing] [inhales] [crowd applauding] [crowd cheering] [Beth laughs, sighs] [sucks teeth] “Swelling.
[crowd laughs]
Freckles or dark patches of skin on the face.” The “or” is troubling. Uh… [chuckles] One of those is way worse. [crowd laughs] Can you imagine starting at the same time as your friend? You guys get together for lunch. You’re like, “What’d you get, freckles or dark patches?” [chuckles] “Oh man, I got dark patches.” [laughing] The last one’s migraine. Larin Fe is like… [chuckles] The birth control company is like, “Could you put a spin on that or something?” I’d be like, “All I heard was breast enlargement!” [mimics horn blaring] [laughing] [sighs] I didn’t have boobs for the longest time. Aforementioned, I was a gymnast. Side packs for ages. I was ripped as a child. And when you don’t have boobs as a kid, you really want ’em because we’re taught that they’re our worth, and… I do remember, um, wearing a padded swimsuit at the… at the pool. The trouble with that is when you get out of the pool, there’s, like, just two waterfalls dripping underneath. [laughs] The good thing was I was strong enough that I was able to pull myself out of the pool and, at the same time, squeegee my tits out, and then head to the snack bar, get a frozen Snickers, whatever you want to break a tooth on. [chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
But by the time junior high came, I couldn’t just show up empty-chested. How was I going to get a dude back to my mom’s unfurnished basement? [chuckling] So I had to act fast. I went up to my mom’s room. I stole her water bra, which Victoria’s Secret stole from a hose and water balloons. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] And then just charged us fifty bucks, and we were like, “Honestly, we’ll do anything.” So I strapped on the water bra, I marched to junior high, and it worked. I snagged a teen. I was also a teen at the time, just to be clear. [crowd laughs] I got him back to my mom’s unfurnished basement, popped in the Billy Elliot VHS, which was my fuck tape.
I…
[crowd laughs] [laughs] I still don’t know how that movie ends. And the water bra made me inadvertently celibate. ‘Cause I wanted to be touched, but I couldn’t let him touch or put any sort of, like, weight upon it, because it made a strange like… [mimics water creaking] …sound that I could not explain. And I also couldn’t do a sneaky release underneath my shirt and chuck it far away, ’cause it was like the weight of an X-ray vest. [crowd laughing] It was like, “Fuck.” [chuckles] And after that, I would have had no choice but to be like… [gasps] “Ta-da!” [chuckles] “I made my boobs disappear!”
[crowd laughs]
“And now, for my assistant, my mom taking the towels out of the dryer.” [crowd laughs] And magic is not hot, you know, it never will be. It’s a trick. A guy wants boobs, and he gets water. Not cool. [crowd chuckles] I feel like the only time that would work is if the… if it was like reversed or something. Like, you were running a marathon, and I was volunteering on the side with the water. And you came up for the water, and I was like, [whispers] “Or you can touch my tits.” [crowd laughs] Like, “Oh my God. Thank you so much. I know there’s water up here.” “I don’t know when there’s gonna be tits again. Thank you.” [laughs] That was the longest I’ve run in a while. Um… [crowd laughs] [chuckles] The last time I went running was through the airport, and it tasted like coins in the back of my mouth. [chuckling] Just a little bullet back there. I didn’t grow my boobs until college, and it was with ice cream. [chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
And since then I’ve gained and lost weight so many times over the years, my boobs are like an atheist dad at Catholic mass who’s just like, “I’m not going to get up again.” [chuckles] “This is insane!” [crowd laughing] [sucks teeth] Okay. Hu… huge news. [laughs] Okay, it’s not that big news. No, huge news. I got a king-sized bed. Thank you so much. Thank you. [crowd cheering] Things are going well. Yeah. I got a king-sized bed, and I started hooking up with this 6-foot-6 football player dude. And I’m just like… [laughs] …if you build it… [chuckles] [crowd laughs] …they will come. At the time, I was hooking up with a smaller gentleman. And I don’t know if you’ve ever done the back and forth between sizes of people, but it can feel drastic. Uh… It’s sort of like when you go to the fridge for a jug of juice that you think is full, but it’s empty, and you’re like, “Whoa!”
[crowd laughs loudly]
[laughs] It’s the only way I can describe that. I was pregnant once, but I caught it early. And I went over to Planned Parenthood and got some… some Mife and Miso and… and what I call “jump-started a late period.” And then I went and did a table read and a taping for Comedy Central. So we really can have it all. [crowd laughs] And, you know, if you’re feeling like, um, you don’t align with this story or my beliefs, don’t worry. There is somebody in the story, that, um, shares yours. It’s a leprechaun in Orlando. Um… [crowd laughing] [applauding, cheering] My dad… [chuckles] My dad hates Planned Parenthood. [chuckles] He thinks all I do is kill babies because I got the one abortion there. [sucks teeth] You guys, I’m kidding. [chuckles] I haven’t told him yet, but… [crowd laughs] I always tell him if abortion were murder, there’d be a Law & Order: SVU about it. [chuckles] And that he understands. [crowd laughs] But I do like to donate to them in his name and… [crowd laughs] ‘Cause they do other stuff. There’s all kinds of people in there, um, looking for a good deal on an ultrasound. Um, getting those free condoms that are so thick. Uh… [laughs] Why are the free condoms so thick? It’s almost like they’re trying to drum up business. [chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
I… There’s people in there getting their penises checked and also their balls. I don’t want to alienate anybody here with balls. I… I never do. I love balls. [chuckles] I genuinely love balls. I could actually get emotional thinking about it. I… I love balls. I feel like they’re the closest I’ll come to a deep-sea creature. They’re just… [crowd laughs] …they’re so amorphous and malleable. [laughs] And then sometimes they shell up, you know. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] [Beth sighs] So I did this fundraiser. [crowd laughing] This fundraiser for Planned Parenthood. It’s this yearly event called the Birds and Bees Bash. That happens in Santa Barbara, California, where a bunch of rich old people gather together and throw money at the cause. It’s a beautiful thing. So they invited me to come do 15 minutes of stand-up, and I show up. It’s a swanky event, so I’ve slapped on a skirt, which is obviously a big deal for me. And they sit me down in the back of this beautiful banquet hall, next to Joanna Kerns. If you don’t know who that is, it’s Mrs. Seaver from Growing Pains. And if you don’t know who that is… [chuckles] …I don’t care. I was so excited. [crowd laughs] I sat down, and I was like, “Mom.”
[crowd laughs]
So she explains she’s going to give the keynote speech, and then she’ll bring me up to do stand-up. I was like, “Great.” So Joanna’s up there talking about Planned Parenthood and how they helped her and her family, uh, with breast exams, and a woman at the back of the room, at the table next to us, starts to have a heart attack. And Joanna just keeps talking ’cause she doesn’t know what’s going on in the back of the room. Just like I can’t know what’s going on in every room I’m in. People could be up in the balcony making sweet love, and we’d have no clue, especially if it was, like, super slow, like I like. [crowd laughs] So Joanna’s up here, talking, this woman is having a heart attack. I’m watching her have a heart attack, and I’m also thinking, like, “What jokes am I going to tell?” You know. [crowd chuckles] And then an ambulance comes very quickly, almost as if they knew there was a gathering of olds, and they just parked on the corner. [crowd laughs] So they rush in. They put this woman on the stretcher. Because it was a heart attack. It was a low-key heart attack. She fell out of her chair, and her husband was worried. But as they were wheeling her out on the stretcher, past our table, towards the door, she looked at us, and she said, “I’m so sorry. I’m fine.” “I’m so sorry.” [crowd laughs] Which might be the epitome of being a woman. Like, “I’m sorry I interrupted with a heart attack.” “I’m happy to die if that helps. I really will. I’ll go die.”
[crowd chuckles]
So just as they have her outside the door, this is when Joanna leans into the mic, and she said, “Who’s ready for some stand-up comedy?” [crowd laughing] And I was like, “Oh no.” So I get up, and I’m like weaving my way through the tables in my dumb skirt. And the woman who’s planned the event is panicked. And she rushes, she intercepts me, she puts her hand on my shoulder, and she’s like, “I don’t know.” “Maybe you should do less time, like 5 minutes or something?” I was like, “Bitch, I’m doing 15.” [crowd laughing loudly] So I got up there, and I felt like I really needed to address the situation, because I hadn’t learned this lesson yet. [crowd laughs] And I got up there in front of everybody, and I just said, “Wow.” “I have done a lot of things to get out of donating money, but never that!”
[chuckles]
[crowd laughs, applauds] [crowd cheering] [chuckles] There were less laughs. Uh… [crowd laughs] [chuckles] it’s taken me a few years to be able to talk about that. [crowd laughs] But I do feel like my dad would be proud of me. I bombed the Planned Parenthood. [chuckles] [laughs, sighs] Can a mammal from the weasel family do that? [crowd laughs] Feels like I’m making the Christmas card this year. [crowd laughs] [crowd cheering] Thank you very, very much for being here for me.
[rock music plays]
I love you. [mouthing] Thank you. [crowd cheering, applauding]
[rock music continues]
[rock music ends]
Okay, where’s Tim? [crowd laughs] Tim is here, but he actually… I don’t want to ruin it for you guys. He did babysit for me, but that other part was a joke. [crowd laughing] Aw. Are you guys disappointed he’s a good guy, or…? [laughs] [crowd laughs] Kara and I worked at, um, Graeter’s together. First job. [crowd cheers] I invented the chocolate weasel, so if you ever enjoyed that, you’re welcome.
[crowd laughs]
[woman] Tim’s up here!
Love you, Tim.
[crowd laughing]
Oh, Tim would be in the balcony… to get a better view. [crowd cheers] I’m kidding. I’m sorry. My mom’s here. There she is. Give it up for Diane here.
[crowd cheers]
The Schaeffer family. My second family here in town. Schaeffers, Beth and Alan. Amy may or may not have been there that night that we went to UD.
[crowd laughs]
[Beth] You knew it. You had to come pick us up. Alan’s like, “Can I not be a lawyer for one night?!”
[crowd laughs]
[Christmas music playing]
[Christmas music ends]
