[announcer] Please welcome your host, Amy Schumer.
[cheers, applause]
Thank you, wow! Thank you so much! I deserve this, I do. Totally. Please, sit. Please! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, if we didn’t have COVID yet, we’ve got it now. What a way to go. I have not had COVID yet. Who else? Clap if you haven’t had COVID yet. I love how smug everybody… Yeah! And the other people just look at you like, “Fuck you.” But no, sorry, we haven’t had it yet, you guys. We’re sorry… I guess God chooses he who protects. No. We’re going to get it. We’re going to get it tonight. So, um… I don’t know if you know this, but I had a baby. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Not bad for a year, right? Not bad? It’s been three… it’s been three years. I still haven’t made a baby book for my son. My mom’s really trying to get me to make a baby book. I just can’t do it. She kept, like, serious baby books on all of us. But if you think about a baby book, it’s really just, like, a lot of teeth, and hair, and fingerprints. It’s really a serial killer’s log. She wrote one milestone down for me that I just saw recently. I couldn’t believe it, that she thought this was good. It was, “At 24 months, Amy can now watch up to three hours of television.” This is a milestone she felt she was proud of. My son reaches that milestone daily, so don’t worry about it. People are like, “How much screen time?” I’m like “All screen time. Always.” My mom makes scrapbooks for me, which people hear and they go, “Aw.” But she puts every single thing in there. Things that I have tried to avoid. It’ll be some tabloid like, “Amy Schumer: Pregnant, or Just Fat?” in the book. I’m like, “Did you think I needed to remember this?” You know? Our son, his name is Gene. Yeah, he’s a little cutie. He was named Gene for my husband’s mother, Jean, was her name. She passed away, which is so sad… but to not have a mother-in-law? I’m sorry! I obviously did something right in a former life, I’m sorry! So his first name’s Gene, and then we named him Attell for his middle name, after Dave Attell, the incredible comedian. Yes. He’s an old family friend of mine. And then my husband’s last name is Fischer. Which is also why I’ll never take his last name, because I don’t want to be Amy Fischer. Who, some of you my age know, was the Long Island Lolita who tried to kill her boyfriend’s wife. So anyway! So anyway, we name our son, and then, about a month into being a new mom, not a vulnerable time at all, I realize that we have named our son Gene Attell. Genital. Genital Fissure… Anyone else ever fuck up to that extent? Probably not. Probably not. So we immediately changed his middle name. I hope it’s better. We changed it to “Dingleberry.” Is that good? Will that do well in school? My son just saw my lower back tattoo for the first time. That’s a fun conversation, right? He’s like, “What is that?” And I just explained to him “Your mom is trash.” Okay, okay. I try so hard. Like, you try so hard to be a good parent, and it’s just… You don’t get better at being a parent. You just get so used to fucking up. Right? That’s really what it is. It’s just like, you get used to it. He’s been… I’ve been showing him Disney movies, that’s been a lot of fun. Except they’re all so problematic. If any of you have kids and you watch Disney movies with them, before every Disney movie now, it just says, uh, it says, “Look, we fucked up, okay?” It says, “We fucked up then, and now, and we’re sorry, and we’re going to just leave this here, but it’s fucked up.” And it’s true. And I’m like, “What are they talking about? It’s Peter Pan,” you know? So we start Peter Pan. All the indigenous people, they show… “Oh-wo-wo”. Awful. So fucked up. I’m like, “This isn’t good. What else?” All the women in these movies… in Peter Pan, it’s just these mermaids. Remember the mermaids? They’re all topless, but long hair. They all speak in a whisper. They’re all, “Oh, Peter. We miss you so much, Peter. Oh, we’re so wet. We’re mermaids!” I’m like, “You can’t watch this!” Don’t even try to watch Jungle Book, okay? So I’m like, “Let’s scrub forward, let’s see some of the newer ones,” I heard Tangled was cute, so we watched Tangled. And it’s about Rapunzel, you know, long blonde hair Rapunzel. And spoiler alert: in this movie, if you cut Rapunzel’s hair, something horrible happens. It turns brown! And that happens! Her hair gets cut, and then she has short, brown hair! She’s revolting! But even though she’s hideous, the prince still finds a way to love her. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s what I want my son to grow up with. I have such a bad habit right now when I read him books, which I do, because I’m a hero. Anytime there’s like an even vaguely blonde attractive woman in any book, I’m like, “Who does that look like?” Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and I’m like, “Goldilocks, who…? Remind you of anyone?” He’s like, “Mommy!” I’m like, “Oh, my God, thank you!” Then he sees a bear, he’s like “Mommy!” I’m like, “Only when prompted, okay?”
All right, you guys are such a great crowd, we’re going to have such a fun night together.
[cheers, applause]
This is really an incredible line-up of some of my best friends and my favorite comedians, and we’re all here to vent about our families, so we’re really happy that you’re here to do that with us. So to kick us off, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ron Funches!
[cheers, applause]
Hi! Hi! Thank you! What a fun show, we get to talk about families? I fucking love families. Oh, I’m doing real well. My family life’s going well. I just had my year anniversary with my wife, which is wonderful. Yeah. It’s the second marriage, so I feel like this one’s going to stick. I recommend, if you’re in your first marriage, just get that one out of the way. You’re not even in your final form yet. After my first marriage, I was a little bit worried I’d be damaged goods and people wouldn’t want me, but it’s kind of the opposite, you know? I knew more about myself, I knew what I liked, what I didn’t like. I know how good my marriage is now because I could base it off of how shitty my first marriage was. And I’m not one of those comics that like to talk shit about their ex, it’s just that we were married too young. We didn’t really trust each other, didn’t respect each other. She kept trying… I was a little bit bigger then, and she kept trying to dress me in clothes with, like, giant dogs on them all the time. Or just a lot of bright floral patterns and khaki shorts. Just trying to make me look like a Black Gabriel Iglesias. Basically just keeping me real unfuckable. But my wife now, she wants me to be cute! Before I leave the house, she checks the hair. She makes sure I’m suited and booted. She wants people to want to fuck me! That’s a good marriage! Thank you! I didn’t know a marriage could be fun like that! I thought it had to be a constant fight, constant struggle. I didn’t know marriage could just be hanging out, laughing together, watching Seinfeld all day, until you get your dick sucked. When you boil marriage down to that one sentence, I mean, oh, my God, it is beautiful. Especially if you understand how often I’ve watched Seinfeld all day… without getting my dick sucked. But no longer. Uh-uh. Now I get excited as soon as I hear the theme song. Yeah, as soon as I hear that, “Bom-buh-bom-bom-bom” I’m like, “Ooh, I better go get her scrunchie!” A lot of you related to that scrunchie material. You got to be considerate. My wife is a very considerate person, that’s how we fell in love. Before we met, I had already been married before, I had my son already. And I was like, “This is going to be my focus.” But she came into my life and she was such a nice person. She kept asking me the same question over and over and over, until she wormed her way into my heart. And I’m going to let you know what she asked me in case you need to trap a man. My wife kept asking me… if I was drinking enough water. And I was like, “We both know the answer is no.” I think the real question here is, “Why the fuck do you care?” But it was because she cared about me! She cared about my well-being. And that was off-putting to me, I didn’t like that at first. I was used to these Los Angeles vampire bitches. But she just kept at it. I’d go up to take her on a date, I’d pick her up at her house, ring the doorbell, she’d answer the door, and you know what she would have waiting for me? A bottle of water! If I was lucky enough to get her back to my house and spend the night, I’d wake up in the morning, turn over, she’d already be gone. But do you know what would be laying in her place? Bottle of water! One day it just got to me, and I was like, “Aw… no bitch ever cared about my hydration!” After my first marriage, I didn’t drink water for five years straight. Nobody said a word. And I was walking around with adult-onset jaundice, it was terrible. One thing I love about my wife is she came in right away, was a great stepmom. Again, I’m a single father for most of my life. I have a son who was diagnosed with autism when he was two years old. We went through a lot of therapy, seizures, different issues, and I’m very proud that he’s now a 19-year-old high school graduate.
[cheers, applause]
Working at a grocery store. I worked at a grocery store when I was 19, a little bit before I had him. So I’m like, “As long as you don’t knock somebody up in the next six months, you’re killing it!” He’s got great discipline, and I don’t know where he got it. Because I never disciplined him. I didn’t know how, especially having a teenager and someone who had autism. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what was teenager-related, I didn’t know what was autism-related. I didn’t know which of these things made him download sixty episodes of The Price Is Right. But I know that’s not normal. The Price Is Right is a fine show, but it is the same damn show every day! I’m like, “Son, did you need to fill the entire DVR with Price Is Right?” He’s like, “Oh, I’m just trying to keep season stats, Dad.” I’m like, “Okay, so it’s the autism.” Carry on. I love watching him become an adult, have his own likes and dislikes. My favorite thing in the world is I share a Spotify account with my son. And at the end of the year, I get that “Spotify Wrapped” and I love it. Because I get to find out what an autistic teenager thinks is the hottest song of the year. It turns out my son’s favorite song of all of last year… this is an honest to God fact… was just the sound effect… of bees… buzzing in a meadow. No! Yeah, it’s cute when you don’t live with it. But try coming home to that every day. You can’t even do normal parent stuff. You can’t be like, “Hey! Can you turn down this… delightful summer’s day?” He’s just like, “Dad, you don’t understand the music that speaks to my generation! You need to open your mind! It’s got a good buzz to it.”
Thank you guys for your time, I’m Ron Funches.
[cheers, applause]
Hi, Amy!
Hi, Ron!
Bye!
Good job! Bye! How funny is Ron Funches? You’re such a good crowd. Alright, please keep that energy going. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Jaye McBride!
[cheers, applause]
Alright! Thank you so much. Man, it is great to be out without a mask on. Right? Alright. I actually had a guy refuse to have sex with me unless I wore a mask. I know, and this is way before the pandemic. It wasn’t even a medical mask, it was like a Spider-Man mask. He’s like, “I got you now, Web Slinger!” Which… Well, you take what you can get, right? I have a tough time dating. Y’all know I’m trans, right? Y’all figure that out already, you bunch of…? Look at you, you bunch of L.A. detectives. Y’all are like, “Of course I know. I’m from Kansas, not from Mars, I can tell.” The weird thing is, I wasn’t trans before I got the vaccine. Fucking Johnson & Johnson, I swear to God. One shot, my ass. No, I actually transitioned 15 years ago, which, oh, no, thank you, but… No, don’t clap, don’t clap. I only did it to compete in the Olympics. I’m no hero. But man. And I knew early on, like I knew real early, when I was like, five, we took the dog to the vet to get fixed, and I was in the back yelling, “Do me next!” I was raised Irish Catholic too, which made it tough. I know, right? Like here’s how Irish Catholic I am. My grandmother had ten kids. Yeah, ten. That’s a good Irish Catholic woman, right? And she had two miscarriages, so she was pregnant 12 times in 16 years. I know, right? She didn’t have periods, she had commas. Yeah, my grandmother was old-school. Yeah. Like, she was like… She also told me once that she didn’t believe in gay people. Like, that’s what she said, “I don’t believe in gay people.” Which is weird because she did believe in angels, leprechauns, and Sasquatch. I have an uncle who’s a priest. Yeah, he said to me once, he said, “I don’t ever want to watch you do comedy because I don’t want to listen to you talk about having sex with a man.” So I just send him pictures.
[cheers, applause]
That wasn’t his reaction. No, people always say, “If you were raised more religiously, you would have turned out normal.” I’m like, “Honey, I was an altar boy. And I loved it!” Oh, no, the priest never touched me, or hit on me, or molested me. And I tried everything, too. I was like, “Father, this confessional is too hot for pants!” My dad thought that being an altar boy would turn me into a man, but apparently sitting around in a dress drinking wine all day didn’t do the job! Yeah, my dad wasn’t a fan of this whole thing. I remember when I was little, I was like, “Dad, what do you call a little boy who wants to be a little girl?” He said, “I don’t know, but they’re definitely not getting any ice cream!” Terrible, right? Don’t worry, he dies in the end. Wow, some of you either love dark humor or you hate your dad. I don’t know. My dad died around Christmas time, which was tough. I didn’t know what to ask for because I already got what I wanted! So I’m in therapy. Alright, thank you, I guess. No, I’m in therapy. I’ve really been talking to my therapist a lot about my mom. My mom passed away and… I know, you’re like, “Aw, dead mom, dead dad. What next, Little Orphan Tranny?” We are talking about my mom a lot. Like, my mom was great. My therapist said I should talk to my mom every day, you know, which seems a little… crazy, so I just talk to the mannequin in the attic I dressed up in her clothes. But she was great. My mom was great. She was like this Martha Stewart-type, you know? A convicted felon who could cook. And when I first came out to her as trans, it sort of took her a while. She said she had to pray to God after I told her. Which makes sense, because if you’re a middle-aged white woman and you don’t like something, you talk to the manager. Hit a little close to home, huh, L.A.? No, I still try to please my mom. After she passed away, I thought, I’m going to do something nice. So I decided I was going to spread her remains in her favorite place: the town I grew up in, it’s a town called Westport, New York. It’s in the Adirondack Mountains, it’s on Lake Champlain. Don’t clap, you’re not from there. But it’s beautiful. I drive six hours and start to spread her remains. Someone comes running out and says, “Stop, you can’t do that!” And I’m like, “Why not?” He said, “You have to cremate her first.” So then I had to put her back in the garbage bag. So she’s at her second favorite place. Behind an Arby’s. That’s why I’m late tonight, and… I have three brothers. It was weird with three brothers, like our parents were kind of cheap, so when they ran the bath water, they did it once. And we all had to share, one right after another, right? Oh, it’s the worst. If you’re the last one, it’s like the Hudson River at low tide. And I’m in there, and I’m looking down one day, and I’m thinking, “This is disgusting. I’m 32 years old…” I did have a brother disown me when he found out I was trans, but it’s fine. I try to take the high road, you know? When I heard he and his wife had a child, I sent the nicest greeting card. It said, “Congratulations, it’s a boy… for now!”
Thank you guys so much.
[cheers, applause]
Jaye McBride, let her hear it! Alright! I don’t know if you guys are familiar with the Oscars, but I just… Yeah, I got to co-host the Oscars this year. Yes. And… You know, we all saw that sad thing that happened. Jessica Chastain won. No, it was really sad, the Will Smith thing where he hit Chris Rock. It was a total bummer, shocking, but you know, I guess it’s like, he got in one little fight and his mom got scared, I don’t know. I don’t know! I got censored that night. There were a couple things that I wasn’t allowed to say. So I think I’ll tell you guys right now.
[audience cheers]
Yeah, you guys seem like bad people. Okay. I don’t know why they said no. So my husband was going down on me, or as he calls it, “Squid Game.” So… he’s in my Nightmare Alley… my House of Gucci. And I say, “C’mon, C’mon,” you know? He goes “tick, tick… BOOM!” He “Bells fast,” I say, “Get off my Dune,” and that’s how our son was born. What do you think?
[cheers, applause]
Alright, let’s keep it moving right along. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Christina P!
[cheers, applause]
Oh! Hello, Los Angeles. Woohoo! Oh, man, I moved to Texas. I was in Angelino for 44 years, I’m sorry, I know. I feel guilty being here. I feel like a divorced dad… that’s come back to visit their kid. I’m like, “Listen, I love your mom, but I had to go, okay?” You don’t understand, man, they were wearing N-95s in their cars alone and shit, It was really fucking… But yeah, so… You know, I’m a… I’m a solidly middle-aged mom now. Yeah, thank you. And like, everything makes me fat. Everything. And I live in Texas, so the only thing I can eat with no calories is Klonopin. And I love it, I just dip it in barbecue sauce! [smacks lips] And I like the South, they’re very nice, they’re very cool, but everything moves at a glacial pace. They have zero sense of urgency. And then I realized, I was like, “Well, what am I hurrying to? There’s nothing to do.” What, am I hurrying to get to Chick-fil-A before it closes on Sunday? You guys know why Chick-fil-A is closed on Sunday, right? Because… Well, that’s the day they grind up all the gay people to make… the batter for the biscuits. They’re so good! Ha ha! And they take homosexual semen, and that’s what that orange sauce… Delicious. The Christians are on this side, they’re not… Alright. Okay, so, I’ve been married for 17 years, and oh, thank you. And he still pees on me in the shower, so that’s… cool. And he does this super creepy thing where he likes to make eye contact with me while he does it. And he pretends like he doesn’t know what’s happening. He’ll stare at me, and he’ll be like, “Do you smell that? Do you smell that? Smells bad. Can you smell that?” I’m like “No, I just had COVID.” COVID blessings. So, I have a three-year-old boy, and a six-year-old boy, and a husband, so I see more dicks than an episode of Euphoria on any given day. Don’t you love Euphoria? That’s such a middle-aged mom show. I know. Euphoria is Cobra Kai with titties. It is the best. So people are always telling me, they’re like, “You know, Christina, those kids, they grow up so fast.” I’m like, “Do they? What are you feeding yours? Because I would like to speed this shit up.” Okay? And it’s not the kids that bum me out, it’s the parenting world. Because there’s way too many demands on parents. Like now, I got to dress my children in organic cotton gender-neutral clothing. I have to find them inclusive, non-ableist toys. And you got to breastfeed until they’re in college, did you know that? Oh, yeah. There was a woman in my “Mommy and Me” class breastfeeding her four-year-old. I’m sorry, 208-week-old, yes? Will McKenzie be weaned in time for prom? My parents didn’t do shit. Right? Parents before never had to do anything. My parents didn’t even put a seatbelt on me in the car. I used to ride in the back of my dad’s pick-up truck… in a lawn chair, and then I would hang out trying to tag street signs. And then when the cops pulled you over, he’d let you play with his gun. But today, oh, my God, the parents, they’re all freaked out. You ever see these helicopter moms? These helicopter moms? Yeah. So, I go to the park, and that’s “me time,” you know? I have a beer, I chill out. You just let them run, that’s what the park is for!
[man] Yeah!
Right. Then I see these poor helicopter moms, and look, I get it. I was like that after my first kid. You ever see that mom that’s trying to do it right? You’re just trying to do it right, and she’s narrating everything the kid is doing, as they’re doing it. “Okay. Good job, Cooper! Good job, Cooper! Yeah, Cooper, now put your foot on the ladder, Cooper. Good job! Put your foot on the ladder, Cooper, now run across, Cooper, run across, Cooper, run across, Cooper, good job, Cooper, good job, Cooper! Would you like a snack, Cooper? Cooper, snack? Snack? Cooper, Cooper? How about a cheese stick? How about a cheese stick? Water? Water? Water? Cooper? Cooper? Snack? Snack? Snack? Snack?” Oh! Oh! Oh, until finally, little Cooper couldn’t take it anymore, and he goes, “I need space!” I almost high-fived that kid, I was like, “Look at you, asserting boundaries with your mother! That took me ten years in psychotherapy! You just figured that out?” And stop telling kids to be themselves. Jesus Christ. Stop telling kids to be themselves. They already know how. They know how. Just ask my sons. They’re probably naked right now on the driveway, wearing nothing but cowboy boots. And the other day, my son runs up to me, the older one, the six-year-old, he runs up to me naked, and he goes, “Hey, Mom, hey, Mom! You want a surprise?” And then he turned around and he farted right at me. Timing was impeccable. The three-year-old sees that, and does the exact same thing: “Hey, Mom! Mom! Mom! You want to see a… Do you want to see a surprise?” Turns around, spreads his cheeks apart, and goes, “Smell my ass! Smell it!” Yeah, I’d say you have a pretty good idea of who you are when you aim your asshole at somebody, right? And stop telling me that gender isn’t real. Stop it, stop it. Stop telling me that “gender is a social construct.” People who say that have not raised boys. Oh, girls and boys are the same? Oh, really? Really! You’ve seen a six-year-old girl piss out a campfire? And then be super pumped about it? Like, “Oh my God, do you smell that? Can you smell that? Smells bad.” Good to see that disgusting is genetic. Alright, thank you guys so much. Thank you so much.
[cheers, applause]
This is a real treat. I get to bring out my very best friend in the whole world. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Rachel Feinstein! [cheers, applause] Thank you! Thank you, guys, you’re nice to me here. It’s been a weird week. My family was visiting, it’s a lot with my mom. I don’t know if anybody has a parent like this. My mother has no boundaries. Every time I’m alone with her, she tells me something I truly never wanted to know. She’ll be like, “Fine, there was a year when I considered leaving your father.” I’m like, “I don’t want to know that.” She’s like, “I called it my dark year.” I’m like, “You title years of your life? You teach low-impact aerobics. You don’t know darkness.” I’m the same way, but with strangers. Like, I’ll overshare with any stranger. I’ll be in line at a CVS, somebody smiles at me, and I’ll be like, “I guess I never felt seen by my father? I mean, I knew he loved me, but…” That was my worst fear when I had a kid, like, “What if I don’t connect to her?” Because you hear that happens. I’m like, “I’ll tell everyone!” I’ll be at a barbecue, and somebody will be like, “She’s so cute,” and I’ll be like, “Isn’t it crazy, but I don’t love her. Like, I feel nothing… but a vague sense of resentment!” Then, when I did love her, I started announcing it to everyone. I was like, “We love her!” My brother’s like, “You shouldn’t say that. Most people assume you love your own kids. It’s kind of alarming, actually.” I’m like, “That’s fair feedback.” She’s a toddler. She’s at that age. She’s two years old. She just empties every room. She just turns it out like she’s looking for coke, just… like she has 24 hours to leave the country before a drug dealer shoots her in the face. My husband’s a fireman. I mean, I think he’s a fireman. Thank you. He could just be a stripper with a fireman costume. But this is my life now. I just have to go to these Staten Island FDNY dinner dances and he’ll just deposit me at a shrimp station somewhere. I’m always the only Jew. All the women are named Gina. There’s just like a sea of Ginas. Just rows of hoisted tan racks and shimmering crucifixes. The men… the way they congratulated us, the other firemen, when we had a baby was terrifying. They’d be like, “Beautiful thing right there, huh? Tiny baby girl. You got to cherish her now, alright? While she’s young.” Why does this feel like an active threat, somehow? “You know what? At the end of the day it’s about family. Alright? Remember that. It’s about family.” I’m like, “Why do I feel like I’m about to get offed on The Sopranos whenever you guys greet us?” They always sound like they’re about to admit something they can’t hold in any longer. They’ll be like, “You know what? The days are long, the years are short, alright? You got to cherish her right now. Killed my first wife Diane.” I’m like, “I don’t think you meant to say that out loud, Dino.” “Diane went fast, too. You know? I watched the light go out in her eyes, alright? Everybody’s good! Everybody’s safe. Things are good!” But that’s my type. Your type is your type. You can’t change your type. I just like a thick-necked, ignorant-looking man. That’s what I like! I like a guy that looks like he’d say, “Follow the money” when he’s talking about the vaccine. The guys are generally named Vinny, there’s an occasional Dino. But one of the Vinnies came up to… One of the Vinnies came up to us, he goes, “You got to take her to Disney, though. That’s the real family experience. You got to take her to EPCOT.” Then he goes, “That’s the real Japan, at EPCOT, you know?” “That’s like, legit Japan.” With no irony whatsoever. He’s like, “People think you got to spend all this cash, and fly all the way to Japan, but it’s a fucking scam.” He referred to traveling the world as a scam somehow, and EPCOT as reality. That was real life in Vinny’s mind. But yeah, I asked my mom, “What was I like when I was my daughter’s age?” She can never think of anything good to say about me. She’ll always be like, “You know, you ate very fast.” I’m like, “That’s the detail you pull out?” She’s like, “Well, you ate at a rapid pace. You choked on a chicken bone once, I do remember that. You were a greedy eater. There was a certain rampant quality to your eating and we didn’t feel safe.” I’m like, “Thank you, this was real helpful, I’ll circle back with you.” And a lot of the other “firewives”… That’s not a term, they’ve actually asked me to stop saying that… “Badge banger,” I prefer that. I identify as a badge banger. Though, a lot of the other women… a lot of the people I know do this. They’ll post these long monologues about how fantastic their marriages are on Instagram. Do you know people that do this? I don’t understand the instinct to drag your husband out to a pumpkin patch somewhere. The guy’s bloated and hung over. He’s completely confused. He has no idea why he’s in matching flannels with his entire extended family. And they’ll be like, “Vinny, you challenge me every single day. Every day with you is like a beautiful, challenging journey. You have truly made me question everything I ever thought was possible in this non-stop learning voyage we’re all on together.” I’m like, “Vinny is on PornHub right now. What the fuck has he made you question?” The last time I saw him, he was so drunk, he was wet. Just dripping. Also, my husband never takes pictures of me, he always claims there’s not enough room on his phone. I’m like, “It’s not a storage issue.” He’s like, “There’s not enough room on my phone!” The one picture he took of me at our wedding, I was eating. I had a sandwich falling out of the corner of my mouth. It was the most slovenly, disgraceful moment. I’m like, “That’s the picture you take?” He’s like, “Well, it was like, the essence of you, you know? You’re a greedy eater.”
Alright, you guys, thank you so much.
[cheers, applause]
Rachel Feinstein, let her hear it! These comedians are my best friends, including this one. He’s just one of my absolute favorite comics. And you know him as Mr. Chris DiStefano!
[cheers, applause]
Great job, Amy. Oh! Hello! Hello, hello, how you doing? You feel good? You look good? This is what it is, dude. It’s the parenting show. I feel like nobody in here even has kids, right? It’s L.A., who has…? Like eight people. You have kids, dude? Yeah. You look like you have long COVID. You’re just like sitting there breath… I could tell. I knew you had kids. I saw you in the back, I was like, “This guy looks like he’s dying!” And yeah. I got kids. I got two little girls. My daughters are Puerto Rican. You know what I mean? So, diverse? I’m a great white. You know? So, this great white man, I have these little Latina children and they don’t speak English, that’s the thing. My kids, especially my older one, she just doesn’t… They just speak Spanish. The mom is always just… I’m trying to watch Encanto to talk to my fucking kids. And I can’t… you know, which is great! I want them to learn different languages, but Papi only speaks English, you know? But I think the thing is, with having kids, like I don’t have a lot of time or energy to like, think about a lot of stuff. Like, I had to go to Portland. You know what I mean? Whatever, that city. I love this country. I bleed red, white, and blue, but fucking Portland? You know? I mean… Those people, it’s just, it’s too much. Like they’re very passive aggressive, very woke, and I was just in there, and they’re just looking at you, judging you. And I was in there two weeks ago. Two weeks ago! I had to go in there. I went to a coffee shop, and I didn’t know that you still had to wear a mask because I was like, it’s present-day America, and you know, the barista’s just like this, she’s going like this. She keeps doing this. I was like, “I don’t know what you’re doing.” Like, she’s just going like that. I was like, “I don’t know sign language. I’m sorry, I should be better, I’m a white piece of shit. I know, I’m sorry. I’m not anti-sign. What do you want me to do?” And she just wasn’t talking, she just kept going like this. I was like, “What are you trying to tell me, lady? Just use your words!” And then she was like, “You need to put on a mask!” I was like, “Oh, okay. You should have just said that!” So I was like, “Okay.” And I’m just politely putting on a mask, and I was like “I’m sorry, I’m from New York, and… we don’t have the masks there anymore.” And she was like, “Well, here in Portland, we still take COVID very seriously.” I was like, “You seem like a fun person. You really do. You just seem like a real ball of laughs.” And so I proceed to order my drink. I was like, “Can I have a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “Excuse me?” I was like, “Can you not hear me through the mask?” I was like, “Can I have a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “Do you mean a small iced coffee with no cream?” I was like, “Isn’t that the same as a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “After what the African-American community’s been through these last two years, I think you need to do a better job ordering your coffees.” I was like, “I’d rather be beheaded by ISIS than have to talk to you for one more second.” So I ripped that mask off, I walked right out of that coffee shop, I walked two blocks down to another coffee shop, walked right in, and said, “Can I have a small iced coffee with no cream?” Because I am such a little pussy. But you know… I don’t know. It’s what it is. People are just… Everyone’s going a little nuts. Everyone’s just a little off. You know what I’m saying? They’re just a little off lately. Like I had to put my dog down. Listen, he lived a good life. Eighteen years. Eighteen years, my dog. Little Larry. Larry was his name. Eighteen years old, but he was one of those dogs. He was dying for like the past 16 years. Every time I’d go visit my mother… she had the dog… another piece of his body was being biopsied, an eye didn’t work, his head was turned over, he was always bleeding. He looks like he’s fighting in the Civil War. Somebody needs to put this dog down. It was clear this dog wanted to die. And I would just go visit my mom, and try, like, “Mom, we need to put the dog down.” She’d be like, “Jesus hasn’t called him yet.” I’m like, “No, he’s calling me to tell you… I’m telling you, the dog wants to die so bad.” I would come over with a fistful of baker’s chocolate. I’d just be like, “Who wants death by chocolate, Larry? Come on. Just eat it, it’s a great way to go out.” And so finally, one day I go visit my mom, and the dog’s dying. I mean, Larry’s pretty much dead on the floor. And I’m just like, “Let’s go take the dog to the vet and just put it out of its misery.” She’s like, “You’re right, let’s go.” And it was 12 o’clock, it was midnight, and I was fucking starving. So we’re driving to the vet, and I see a Wendy’s out of the corner of my eye. I was like, “Mom, real quick, let’s go. I’ll go to Wendy’s real quick. I’ll get whatever you want,” and she’s like, “No, let’s go to the vet!” I was like, “Fine, I’ll just starve then!” I was like a disgruntled fucking teenager. I’m 37. So, we get to the vet, and the vet is so nice. She’s like the nicest lady ever. She’s like, “We did our tests on little Larry, and we do see that he’s at the end of his life, and we’re just going to put a little prick in his little paw, and the medicine’s going to go through in 30 seconds. It’s going to be 30 seconds. His little heart’s going to stop, but he’s going to go to Heaven with all the other dogs, and Cruella, and everyone’s up there, and he’s going to be fine, he’s going to be out of pain, and this is the right thing.” And I’m like, “Okay, fine.” Because in my head, I’m like, “30 seconds. By the time we do the paperwork, everything will be good. You know, it’s 12:30, Wendy’s does close at 2:00.” And listen, it’s what it is. This is a 100% true story. So, the medicine’s going through, just like she said. Little prick in his paw, it’s going like a roller coaster, it’s going to hit his little body, stop his little heart, thirty seconds. And listen, we’re all upset. I’m upset, my mom’s upset, and I’m just comforting her. Comforting my mom, she’s crying. I’m like, “Mom, this is fine.” We get down to 15 seconds, I’m like, “We are halfway there, Mom. We are halfway there.” We get to five, I started counting out loud. I was like, “Five, four, three, two, one! It’s a celebration!” And Larry’s still alive. He’s just still alive. And I’m like, “Okay, that happens,” but as time is going on, seconds are going by, Larry looks like he’s getting more energy, like he’s getting color back that he never had, his fur used to be gray, now it’s getting that nice orange tint, he’s standing up on his legs once again. I was like, “Wow, Larry looks fucking good right now. What’s happening?” Five minutes go by, and finally I say to the vet, “Is there a problem?” She goes, “Absolutely.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” She goes outside, comes back a minute later. She goes, “I am so sorry.” She was like, “I hired a new vet tech, and the vet tech accidentally gave your dog electrolytes because the dog next door to you was dehydrated and we mixed up the medication.” She goes, “But don’t worry, I have the right medication right here. He’ll be dead in a second.” I swear to God, as soon as she put the right medicine in, he died immediately. It was like somebody had a sniper rifle at the top of the fucking room and just shot him in the head. Rolled over, Xs over his eyes, soul gone to heaven, I had a Baconator in my hand at 1:59.
It was fucking fantastic. Alright, guys, thank you.
[cheers, applause]
You guys are the best. You really are such a great crowd. Everyone’s talking about you backstage. Everybody loves you. We want to make it official. We want to commit. Alright. This comedian is undeniably hilarious and I love him so much. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lil Rel Howery!
[cheers, applause]
Yeah! What up? Netflix is a fucking joke. I got a whole jean… Look, let me tell you something, I’m showing my age now. I’m in my 40s, and this is what 40-year-olds do, they like, match a bunch of shit that don’t make no fucking sense. I got a whole jean suit on with a cowboy hat. This is a dad outfit for real. I’m the cool dad! You know who the fuck this is. Man, I got a 13, 12-year-old, and a five-year-old. I know, man. Like, fuck! You know what’s funny? Like when I was a younger parent, I tried to do all the things the right way. Now I don’t really give a fuck no more. You know what I’m saying? My five-year-old, we went to one of those jumpy things, he peed in that shit. I was like, “Oh shit, let’s just go.” You know what I mean? I ain’t… I ain’t changing, we just walking the fuck out of here. He was leaking the whole time. Nobody seen shit. “Come on, y’all!” Damn! Hate being a fucking new dad again. Carrying their fucking car seat. People downplay that. Nobody realizes how heavy it is to carry a human being with one fucking arm. That’s stupid! I don’t give a shit, as long as they strapped in, I’m going to carry that shit the best way I can. If you upside down, fuck it. I’m like, “Fuck it.” No, I can’t go to jail! He good, he’s strapped in! As long as he don’t fall out, we good! My daughter’s 13, she’s a fucking teenager now. She got the period. That’s right, it happened with me. I was hoping… I was like, “Damn, you got to be with me? Shit.” Because I’m a divorced dad, so like, it was my time, and I’m like, “Wait a minute, why the fuck…? I ain’t ready for this.” You know what I mean? I tried my best, but I didn’t know what to get. I ain’t going to lie to you. I went to the store and got everything. I didn’t know what the fuck to get. That lady was ringing me up like, “You got a shelter or something? What you got all these different sizes for? What the fuck you got going on, sir? What the fuck you got going on, sir?” I ain’t fucking know. I’m like, “Let me get the… the pad that absorb the most.” Man, we stupid, that’s what we think, right? We think, “Get the shit that absorb the most.” And when I put all this shit on the table, she like, “Uh, Dad, this is for Grandma, I don’t know what the fuck… you think I’ve got going on. I’m 13, sir.” “You don’t want the one that absorb the most?” Like my son was there with me, and he was confused, too. We was looking at this shit, and I took everything out of the box, he playing with the shit… “Put this shit down, stop playing, boy!” Ain’t no fucking lightsaber. But he was like, “Dad, you know something? I would want the grandma one.” And I thought about that. That’s how little boys fucking think, right? Little girls, like, y’all don’t want nobody to know you’re on your period. You want something to hide that shit. Little boys ain’t shit. If little boys had periods, they’d want everybody to know they had the fattest shit here. “Yeah, I’m on my period, what the fuck you talking about? Y’all need to take me home, I can’t go to school today, I’m on my period! I’m sleepy, I’m hungry, I’m tired, I can’t focus. I’m fucked up!” Learning too much about women because I’ve got a fucking 13-year-old. We go bra shopping and shit. I didn’t realize it was about y’all’s backs. Fellas, for a long time, you thought it was about the titty meat, nope! That number’s about how big their fucking backs is, so… if you see a Double D out here, it ain’t about the titties, she got a big-ass back. I’m just being honest. If you ain’t know. It was weird, too, I forget I was doing a stand-up show. You start thinking about real shit, like “Goddamn, I got to figure this Legoland situation out.” Fuck, you got a 13, 12, and 5-year-old, the 5-year-old can’t get on shit. And that means I can’t get on shit. They get to have fun, like the 13 and 12-year-old, they get to have a good-ass time. I’m watching this motherfucker. I’m sorry, that’s my kid, but… Doing some regular shit, some little bridge, some dumb car that’s slow as fuck. They do all the, “Dad, we got on the roller coaster!” “Shut the fuck up! Fuck y’all.” Yeah, that’s real. But my son, my 12-year-old, he’s like my best friend, the oldest, he’s… he’s a lot like me, and I love that shit. I love the fact that this brother is like me. Like, if he wasn’t my kid, we would be best fucking friends. If we was the same age, I fucks with him. That’s why I don’t even know how to help him sometimes. You know what I mean? He going through, like… 12-year-old boys, look, it depends, but boys do go through a little weird stinking period, right? Where they just don’t wash their ass well enough. And his mama called me like, “Yo, you got to talk to him, He doesn’t care. He’s putting on the same clothes.” And it’s hard to talk to your best friend about him stinking. Like, “Damn, brother, we got to talk.” You try to play the game with them a little bit and shit? Making little jokes, “This is fun, right?” [deep sigh] Look, your mama say you have musty balls. Would you just wash that shit so we ain’t got to talk about this shit again, please? I bought you some new socks. Stop wearing the same stinking-ass socks.
Alright, well, that’s it. I’m done! Thank y’all so much. I’m Lil Rel, that’s my time.
[cheers, applause]
Lil Rel, let him hear it! You’re such a great crowd, I want to say goodnight by thanking our families who made us who we are, and provided us with all of this material. Please give it up one more time for Chris DiStefano.
[cheers, applause]
That’s you.
Oh, look at what a nice guy you were.
[Chris] Yeah. What happened? Oh, okay. Well anyway, Ron Funches!
[cheers, applause]
Christina P! Give it up! Jaye McBride! Oh, Jaye, you’re cute! Rachel Feinstein!
[cheers, applause]
And one more time for Lil Rel Howery.
[cheers, applause]
[Amy] Aw! We’re cute! One more time for everybody. Thank you, goodnight! Isn’t it funny that we all have known each other for like years and years? We really don’t know anything. We don’t know anything about each other. We talk about where we grew up on stage, we just don’t pay attention. Right, like I learned so much like, talking to other comics about, “You went to film school?” Like, I know nothing. My son wrote a sketch. And it was really funny, and he like kind of dissed me at the same time. Like, “Dad, I want you to be in the sketch, I want you to do the voice you do in movies when you get really high-pitched and don’t sound how you sound in real life.” Like, “Damn, what that mean?” Wow. Yeah. It’s so easy!
