JIM JEFFERIES: ALCOHOLOCAUST (2010) – Transcript

2017-09-07T23:33:06-07:00 September 7th, 2017|Categories: COMEDY, JIM JEFFERIES|Tags: |
  • Jim Jefferies - Alcoholocaust

[ Horn honks ] [ Indistinct conversations ] [ scattered cheers and applause ] [ Rock music plays ] fuck. [ Speaking indistinctly ] [ laughs ] ladies and gentlemen, this [ Laughs ] is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage Jim Jefferies! [ Cheers and applause ] Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming to my show, “Alcoholocaust.” [ Laughing ] fucking look at this big theater, man. I appreciate you coming out. People who are watching this at home might know that this is a fucking Monday night, so I appreciate how many people have come. I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as comedy shows aren’t that cheap for men. For women, same price they’ve always fucking been, aren’t they? Women don’t pay for things like this. There’s women in this room have no fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost. No fucking idea! Your husband came home, said, “remember, we’re seeing Jim Jefferies,” you said, “who?” And now you’re fucking here. Women don’t pay. Basically, women are a bunch of cunts. To summarize, women are cunts. See, and I don’t know if women even know that drinks cost money, you know? Ugly chicks know. If you know that drinks cost money, you’re a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you’re a good-Looking girl. Good luck to you. See, my birthday’s on Valentine’s Day, so even on my fucking birthday I’m buying some bitch dinner. If i meet a nice girl and I’m in a restaurant and the check comes and i put the credit card down — And she’s a nice girl — She’ll do the purse grab. And if i go, “no, no, no, it’s okay,” she’s very quick to give up on that argument. Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but that one she’s ever so gracious about. This is why i think I’d like to be gay. I think gay would be a good move for me. I wouldn’t enjoy the sex. I’d have to get through the sex. I would have a cock in my mouth, with tears streaming down my face. And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, I’d be thinking of my happy place, but it’d be worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill. [ Cheers and applause ] that’s why gay guys are happy, and that’s why lesbians are fucking miserable. Lesbians are fucking miserable people ’cause they have to hang out with women all day. It must be fucking horrible. They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, “I’m not gonna pay for this bitch. I’ve just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head. shirt and shaved my head. She better treat me like a Shirt and shaved my head. princess.” Now, if there’s any lesbians in the room — And i assume there’s not, because laughter’s not your thing — But if there is, I’d like to apologize for that last joke. But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them. You never see a jew dressed as a Nazi. [ Cheers and applause ] See, i did that joke in America. I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they’re not fun or whatever. And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as if to prove my point. They’re just not fun people. Gay guys are fun. I don’t care how homophobic you are. If you’re holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don’t you? You’re like, “oh, fucking a gay guy. Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh? We got a live one.” Right? But if you’re holding a dinner party and a lesbian shows up, you’re just like, “aw, fuck me. All i wanted to do was relax and play Pictionary. She’s drawing something political.” [ Chuckles ] you can’t even point lesbians out, and they’re so fucking obvious. They’re so obvi– But you can’t point them out. If you saw, like, fucking — If i see like two lesbians in the audience and go, “excuse me, are you lesbians?” They’ll be like, “what? What the fuck? What? What do you mean by that?” Right? But if i see two gay guys in the audience and go, “excuse me — Are you gay guys?” They’ll go [singsong voice] “guilty!” [Normal voice] ’cause gay guys fucking love being gay. The word “gay” comes from “happy.” They like fucking men in the ass so much, they’ve called it “happy.” I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life. I would not call the experience “happy.” I would call it a struggle, at best. I’ll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay guy. It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you’re partner’s being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head. Hasn’t that got to give your relationship a whole new dimension? I can’t tell you the amount of arguments I’ve had with women that could have been sorted out quicker with a punch. And while we’re on the subject of domestic violence — It’s a horrible thing. Of course it is, and… now, you ever met a woman who’s, like, been married like four times and she’s like, “I guess I just choose the wrong type of men”? “I’ve been married four times, and all my husbands beat me.” And you’re like, “all of them? All four? One, two, three, fucking four? They all beat you? Someone doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?” ‘Cause I’m a tolerant man. I’ll give anyone three, but four? You’re a fucking button-Pusher. Come on.

That’s a nice, cheery way to That’s a nice, cheery way to start the show. That’s a nice, cheery way to I do a lot of gigs — Well, not a lot — I do some gigs out in Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an American crowd right now, they’d go, “whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!” But I’m not, so i can be honest But I’m not, so i can be honest with you. But I’m not, so i can be honest I do it for money. Um, the first time — Um, the first time — Over there it’s like I’m king. Um, the first time — The first time i go do a gig in Iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into Kuwait. Now, it turns out that Kuwait is a regular country that anyone can visit. Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us over the border into Iraq and drops us off. And we’re standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn country. We can’t see anything on the horizon. And i turn to my manager and go, “good booking, fuckface.” And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are still going. And this soldier runs off and goes, “excuse me! Are you Jim Jefferies?” And i went, “what other white cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?” Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet. He’s obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet. His are camouflaged. Mine? Fucking blue. And i said, “why do i have a blue vest and helmet?” He said, “that’s so the enemy know you’re a civilian.” I’m like, “does the enemy give a shit? That’s my main concern, because I’ve never been a sniper.” But every time i got off the helicopter, i was surrounded by soldiers protecting me. If i was a sniper, I’d be like, “the cunt in blue looks important.” Right? So…we got in this helicopter. [ Laughs ] and we’re sitting in this chopper. That’s what we call them in the biz — “Chopper.” And i got two soldiers sitting next to me there, my manager, Brett, sitting there. He’s got two soldiers sitting next to him. There’s two soldiers in the cockpit. There’s a great big door open next to me there, and there’s another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like that thing that Chewbacca wears. And we take off, and off we go to Baghdad. And as we hit the border of the city, i hear a great big “bang!” And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke. And the helicopter goes, “fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!” Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger area, if there’s a heat-Seeking missile, it’ll be distracted by the flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of range — Very clever. Now… they never told me this was happening. As far as I’m concerned, the wings have just exploded and we’re now plummeting to our death, but it’s nice to know how you react under pressure, because i reacted thusly — By vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, “we’re going down!” The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner — They all start pissing themselves, laughing. They’re reaching through. They’re high-Fiving each other. They’re tearing it down. They’ve been waiting for this joke for months. I’m cleaning vomit off myself, going, “oh, you, that was a good one. Thank you for defending my freedom.” freedom.” Right? Freedom.” So, I sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter — “Ugh.” And so I’m trying to look out the door to try to un-Quease myself. And I’m looking out over the ground, over Baghdad — By the way, Baghdad, beautiful city, untouched — And i look out on the ground, and I see a little Arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter, just — [Imitates gunshots] once again, I freak out. “We’re being fired on!” The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard. He’s laughing even harder than he was before. He’s laughing so hard, he’s The gun’s just dangling out in the hinge. And I’m like, “what’s your fucking problem, man?” And he’s like, “Jim, you’re gonna have to calm down, mate. We’re in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom. That’s a handgun. can’t even reach us. We’re so high up, the bullets They just sort of go — [Whistles]” and then I jokingly said, “[chuckles] I bet our bullets can reach him.” And he went, “oh, yeah.” [Imitates gunfire] And the little cunt died. And — And I was like, “[sighs] I was just saying, mate. I was just saying. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s day.” [Laughs] isn’t that a fun story about a man dying? It’s funny, though.

My limited time in a war zone, I really, you know, didn’t see what all the bad stuff was. They were very nice to me. But this was kind of crazy to me ’cause I don’t know, historically, how we’re gonna talk about it. See, like, my grandfather — He fought during the second world war, for the Japs, weirdly enough. No, no, for the Australians. He killed a lot of Japanese — Hated them till he died. “Love the food, hate the people,” he used to say. What a complex man. And… I used to love listening — When i was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing Nazis. There was always something exciting about it, you know? I just don’t know what i would tell my grandson about what’s happening in history now. I imagine I’ll be 80 years old, I’ll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me adoringly. And I’ll go, “now, there used to be these people called Arabs. And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone. In 2020, president Macaulay Culkin got really upset with the Arabs, and he nuked them all. But what Macaulay Culkin and the rest of the Americans hadn’t realized was that china had slowly but surely become the superpower of the world. So, while the Americans were nuking the Arabs, the Chinese nuked the Americans, and that’s why we have no Americans and no Arabs.” And then my grandson will look up at me and go… “mashaba awa.” [Applause] [laughs] You know what i like about that joke? It has the feel of racism, but you can’t pick the exact moment. Like, you know it is. It’s definitely racist. So, let’s change the subject quickly.

How do blind people wipe their asses? I know you’re thinking, “the same as us,” but you’re not thinking outside the box, ’cause wiping your ass is a very visual activity. No one’s ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the bowl. You wipe. You check. I’m gonna wipe again. There’s still a lot of poo. It feels dry, but there’s still poo. I think I left one up there.” I bet that’s where the dog comes in handy. [Audience groans] ohh! No! No, don’t — I’m not saying the dog licks the blind person’s ass! I’m saying these are very intelligent dogs. They would have worked out some form of barking system. So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him. “Woof woof woof.” “Woof woof.” “Woof.” And they’d probably work out some special morse code-Y bark for when there’s blood in the poo. No, ’cause they’ve already been through a rough time. They’re blind. No need for ass cancer. Not that blood always means I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since i was 22 years old. And it’s a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there’s a lot of blood involved. If you’ve never had one, there’s a lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid. I’ve had toilet bowls that look like abortions. Now, I’m not — It’s not good. 22 and you get one, your brain And the first time, when you’re goes to ass cancer. You’re like, “oh, I got ass cancer,” because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when you’re young. Your dad never sits you down and goes, “when you get a bit older, you’ll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out. Now, it’s nothing to be alarmed about. It’s just part of becoming a [chuckling] man.” So, the first time i got a hemorrhoid, I didn’t tell anyone ’cause I thought i was dying, obviously. And i go to see my doctor, the same doctor that I’ve had my whole life, and he makes me — I go, “I got ass cancer.” And he makes me bend over a chair. And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit. And he goes, “oh, you’ve just got hemorrhoids there.” And i said, “I thought that only happens to old people and pregnant women.” And he went, “and you.”

So, I live in America now, and I — [Cheers and applause] [chuckles] people get so entertained by that, but where else am I gonna put them? We’ll put that away for continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently. There we go. That’s a bit of a — ‘Cause I know there’s people that are sitting at home, going, “[laughs] that beer went like that, then it it went like that, Fucking nerds. So, I live in America, and it fucking blows my mind I live in America now, man. I — Coming from Australia and everything, i never thought I’d sort of go this far with my career or anything. And i find myself — Now I’m out there auditioning for major movies and shit, man. And i still feel retarded every time i go in there. Now, the first time i went for an audition, I’d been in L.A. For like a couple days. And my agency sent me to this audition and i went along and i met this girl in the corridor called Carla. And i was really nervous, and she could tell I was nervous. And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and stuff. And then i went and read the little bit, and then I went home. And then I got a call later on that afternoon, going, “they loved you. You’re gonna come back for a callback.” So I’m like, “excellent. That’s good. So, i go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with another person. So, I’m in the room, reading with this girl, and it’s the same girl from the corridor. It’s Carla, right? And we’re sort of flirting, going, “hey, from the thing before — Ahh.” And so we’re reading. We have great on-Screen stuff. Then after the audition, I said, “Carla, do you have any taxicab numbers? I got to get to my next audition.” She said, “where are you trying to get to?” And I went, “Santa Monica.” And she said, “that’s where I’m going. I’ll give you a lift.” Now, please note at this stage of the story I didn’t ask for the lift. We go down to the car. She gets in. She unwinds my window. She looks out and goes, “Jim, what’s your full name?” And i went, “Jim Jefferies.” And she went, “wait there.” Then she called her mom up and said, “hi, mom. It’s Carla.” I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and I’m going to give him a lift. But in case I get raped or murdered, his name’s Jim Jefferies. So if you don’t hear from me in an hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops. Get it, Jim!” So I get in. We got like a 15-Mile drive. I say fucking nothing for the first 5 miles. I just look forward. And eventually i turn to her and go, “you’ve just made this rape really awkward.” She fucking freaks out! She slams her foot on the brakes. She skids off the highway. She starts slapping at me. I’m grabbing her wrists. Now i feel kind of rapey, and I didn’t want to. And it’s like, “you offered the lift! I didn’t ask for the fucking lift! You seem more concerned in solving this crime than preventing it.” So, I raped her to teach her a lesson, ’cause… [ applause ] …how else would she learn?

 

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