What If… Zombies?! | Transcript

When The Avengers are infected by a zombie plague, surviving heroes search for a cure.
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What If... Zombies?!

Season 1 Episode 5
Original release date: September 8, 2021

In the Quantum Realm, Hank Pym finds Janet van Dyne and she infects him with a quantum virus. They return to Earth and cause a zombie apocalypse. Two weeks later, a group of survivors—Bruce Banner, Hope van Dyne, Peter Parker, the Cloak of Levitation, Bucky Barnes, Okoye, Sharon Carter, Happy Hogan, and Kurt—learn there is a potential cure at Camp Lehigh. They lose Hogan, Carter, and Hope to zombie attacks on the way there, where they meet Vision. His Mind Stone can reverse the virus, exemplified by a cured Scott Lang’s head kept alive in a jar, but an infected Wanda Maximoff is immune to the cure and Vision has been feeding pieces of T’Challa to her. Maximoff breaks free and kills Kurt, Okoye, and Barnes. Vision commits suicide to give the Mind Stone to Parker. Banner transforms into the Hulk and battles Maximoff, allowing the others to escape. To broadcast the Mind Stone’s energy across the world, Parker, Lang, T’Challa, and the Cloak go to Wakanda, where a zombified Thanos wields a nearly-complete Infinity Gauntlet.

* * *

THE WATCHER: Time.

Space.

Reality.

It’s more than a linear path.

It’s a prism of endless possibility.

Where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities,

creating alternate worlds from the ones you know.

I am The Watcher.

I am your guide through these vast new realities.

Follow me

and ponder the question…

“What if?”

Dr. Bruce Banner, the human hiding within the Hulk,

fell from the stars to warn humanity of imminent danger.

But the world he found was not one he recognized.

(PANTING) Thanos is coming. He’s coming.

Uh…

Hello?

Anyone got any clothes?

(GASPS)

Oh, God.

Was I too late?

Ah, jeez.

Come on, big guy, time to go green.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

Oh, no.

Hear me and rejoice.

Come out! Come out! Come out!

(GROWLS) No!

What do you mean, “no”?

You are about to die at the hands of the children of…

(GRUNTS)

Tony? (CHUCKLES) Boy, are you guys screwed!

Huh?

(CULL OBSIDIAN GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, Iron Man!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Wait, what are you guys… That’s…

(GROWLING)

Uh, that sorta seems like overkill.

(TONY BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GROWLING)

Whoa!

It’s… Oh.

I can’t believe it.

(GROANING)

(GROWLS)

BANNER: No, no, no, no. Oh. Oh!

(PANTING)

Oh! (GRUNTS)

Don’t eat me!

(CHOMPING)

Oh! Ugh! Ah.

(YELLS)

(GASPS)

Oh, no.

No, no, no. Don’t eat me. Don’t eat me.

I’m… I’m vegan.

Oh, holy crow. Oh, come on! What now?

(GROWLING)

Oh, God. Okay. This is disgusting.

Oh, no. Oh! I’m gonna vomit. I’m definitely gonna vomit.

THE WASP: Go! You’ll be safe with them.

With the giant ants? Who are you?

THE WASP: All that’s left.

Whoa!

Don’t eat me, don’t eat me, don’t eat…

Hey, relax.

I’m your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Oh, yeah? Well, then, what the hell happened to the neighborhood?

THE WATCHER: Like too many great catastrophes,

this one sprang from a place of love and hope.

Two weeks earlier, Dr. Hank Pym journeyed into the quantum realm,

searching for his long-lost wife.

But in this universe,

Janet Van Dyne contracted a quantum virus that corrupted her brain.

So when she finally reunited with her husband after 30 long years…

(SNARLING)

(GRUNTS)

Oof. That happened.

Alas, Hope Van Dyne’s long-awaited family reunion was not to be.

Mom?

SCOTT: Hi, Miss Van Dyne.

(GROWLING)

(GASPS)

Holy… What the… Hank! No.

(SCOTT SCREAMS)

THE WATCHER: Within 24 hours, the entire Pacific Northwest was infected.

Ironically, it was the Avengers’ heroism that sealed humanity’s fate.

On my mark.

Ow!

(CHOMPING, GROWLS)

THE WATCHER: Because once Earth’s mightiest heroes joined the infected,

no one else stood a chance.

Unless, of course, they knew the rules.

(GROWLS)

(PETER IMITATING ZOMBIE GROWLING)

New York! Home of the Mets, the Chrysler Building,

those ladies from Sex and the City, and now, the zombie apocalypse!

If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

But first, you have to not get eaten.

Step one. Long sleeves.

Do I have to be wearing this?

Come on. The safety of the world depends on it.

And action, zombies!

Here I come. Bad zombie.

PETER: The zombie virus is passed through saliva.

So the less skin you’re showing, the less there is to bite.

Step two, hygiene. Zombies are attracted to the smell of human flesh.

So the less pheromones you give off, mmm, the better.

But just one catch.

You’re never more vulnerable than in your birthday suit.

The sneak attack!

(STRAINING) Your robot arm is waterproof. How handy! Pun intended.

You know all I have to do is squeeze, right?

Okay, okay. Easy, killer.

How about we skip the shower and grab the body spray?

No!

PETER: Okay, step three.

Always aim for the head. That’s the only way to kill ’em.

OKOYE: Will you turn that off?

Oh. I was just showing Dr. Banner the orientation video.

General Okoye of the Dora Milaje. Wakandan Royal Guard.

You certainly picked a hell of a time to visit the States, General.

I swore an oath, Dr. Banner.

My king went missing with the Avengers weeks ago.

And for the first time since the outbreak, we actually have a reason to hope.

A beacon just came in over the wires.

Another survivor camp claims to have made progress on a cure.

Wh… Awesome! Global crisis solved. High-fives all around, guys.

Not quite.

The beacon’s location was corrupted in transit.

We have no idea where it came from.

Well, it looks to me like your message is in non-linear hexacode.

That location look familiar, Agent Carter?

It’s Camp Lehigh in New Jersey. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s first base of operations.

It could have the equipment you need to fabricate a cure.

Then we’ll leave at sundown.

(HAPPY SIGHS)

Well, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse,

we gotta go to Jersey.

Zombie-freakin’-apocalypse, and somehow, I’m still driving.

What is the problem? I thought you were an Uber driver.

No. I’m a personal chauffeur. There’s a difference.

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMS)

All right, everybody, it’s Grand Central.

Hope, Banner, Parker, track seven. See if you can hot-wire the train.

Sounds like job for criminal. I will help.

Uh, splitting up?

Do you guys just not have horror movies in Wakanda?

We don’t need them. We have American reality shows.

Boom goes the dynamite. That was solid burn on all of us.

The rest of us will stay here and guard the perimeter.

(IMITATES METAL LOCKING)

KURT: No juice. We’re getting no juice.

Train, please be working for Daddy.

(GRUNTS) It’s not working.

We’re locked outta the gear box.

I’m on it. I can jump-start the engine from the inside.

Spark ignition’s not firing.

We need someone to give us a push.

Perhaps you summon your inner green demon.

No. He’s on sabbatical. Any other ideas?

THE WASP: Not unless someone happens to have a giant slingshot.

I’ve got an idea!

(BOTH YELP)

Make sure the brake lock is engaged.

Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam, blam! Blam!

(CHUCKLES) Just, uh, birds.

Were you saying “blam”?

Was I?

(GASPS)

Ow. (GRUNTS)

Happy?

Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam! Blam! Blam!

Happy!

Man down, man down. We lost Happy!

What? No! (SIGHS) No, not Happy.

I think it was… (GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

It’s Hawkeye.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(GROWLING) Blam. Blam. Blam.

(YELLS)

(SHARON GRUNTING)

Blam.

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLING)

(SHARON GRUNTING, YELLS)

Bla…

Sorry, Happy.

Blam.

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLING)

(SHOUTS)

That was your friend. Sorry about that.

I should be sad, but I’m not.

Let’s go.

(GRUNTING)

Okay, come on, guys! I think I have about 4,000 pounds of thrust here.

Hang in there, Peter. They’re almost here.

Okay, get ready to disengage the brake on my mark.

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLING)

(YELLS)

(YELPS)

Heck yeah, Cape!

(GASPS) No! No, no, bad zombie! Bad zombie! Bad zombie!

You are remarkable woman!

The front of the train’s all hooked up!

Copy that. Inbound.

(GROWLING)

We’re all here! Go!

(BOTH YELP)

(YELLS)

(GASPS)

We did it. Destination, Camp Lehigh.

It’s a good look on you.

Really? You think I could pull it off?

Maybe you’ll grow into it.

I’m sorry. We should have stayed together.

(THUD)

(CREAKING)

(SOFT THUDDING)

(YELPS)

(SHARON SCREAMING)

Sharon? Sharon!

I think you’ve had enough, Cap.

(GROWLS)

(GROWLS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GROWLING, GRUNTS)

THE WASP: Bucky!

Sorry, pal. I guess this is the end of the line.

Uh, guys, I’m covered in Sharon.

The kid has hand sanitizer.

Uh, Hope?

I think you’re in trouble.

Heart rate’s elevated,

temperature’s not going in the right direction.

Then we both know what you have to do.

No. Not when we could be minutes away from a cure.

(GRUNTS) Can we really take that risk?

It’s not risk. It’s hope.

And anyone who’s seen a zombie movie knows that that’s the key to survival.

Plus, it’s also your name, and that’s gotta mean something.

Oh, kid. How do you do it?

See all these movies? AV club.

(CHUCKLING) No. No, how do you stay so…

(INHALES DEEPLY)

…upbeat?

After everything.

Practice, I guess.

My mom, dad, Uncle Ben, Mr. Stark.

Now Happy.

I’ve… I’ve lost a lot.

But my Aunt May says…

used to say, that if we don’t keep smiling when they can’t,

then we might as well just be gone, too. And…

Well, they’d want us to keep going.

Guys, uh, bad news, team.

The train has run out of fuel.

How far away are we from Camp Lehigh?

On the bright side, we are at least closer than we were.

(GROANS) And the not-bright side?

We’re going to have to walk through that.

Well, looks like our draft cards just got pulled.

We will not make it through them.

But you can make it over them.

No, no. Hope, no.

Listen to me. We all know my time’s up, okay?

And if I have to go, I might as well go out fixing the mess I started.

Oh, come on, Hope. It’s not your fault.

I was so obsessed with bringing my mom back

that I never considered what I might bring back with her.

I started this, but you are gonna finish it.

(INAUDIBLE)

Peter.

Smile. Smile for me, okay?

(GROWLING)

Uh, guys, why aren’t they climbing the fence?

SPIDER-MAN: Uh, they don’t have to scale anything.

We must be careful. Baba Yaga nears.

I can feel her.

Baba who, now?

Baba Yaga. The witch.

Known to lurk in shadows of sacred burial grounds.

Baba Ya…

Oh, no, I totally just jump-scared you.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.

It’s just spider boy. Come on.

(BOTH YELP)

Baba Ya…

Oh, Vision! You’re a vision!

You have no idea how good it is to see a familiar

and not one of those gross, half-eaten faces.

One of the benefits of being an android.

I’m not on the menu.

Oh, that’s it.

That’s how you’ve been able to keep the zombies at bay.

VISION: The Mind Stone. The source of… well, me.

It emits a sub-frequency that is not to their liking.

Could that mean the infection is some kind of encephalopathy?

Brain stuff.

VISION: Precisely.

The virus overloads the brain’s limbic system.

So once I discovered the infecteds’ aversion to the Mind Stone,

I experimented to see if targeted exposure might reverse their condition.

Were you successful?

SCOTT: Ta-da! See for yourself.

Wait, who said that?

Was a ghost?

SCOTT: Oh, damn. Hey, would somebody turn me around?

We messed up my entrance.

You know, I need to get this thing motorized.

Hey!

Scott!

Scott.

Lang?

No… way.

Oh, look at you.

I know I’ve lost weight.

Thank you for noticing.

But don’t worry, I won’t let it go to my head.

Sorry, I tend to process traumatic events with dad jokes.

Drives Hank crazy.

Well, drove Hank crazy.

Oh, man. Hank.

Hey, tulla, tulla. Don’t cry. You’ll fog up your jar.

Sorry. I know, I know.

It’s just, what I wouldn’t give to get chewed out

by that old grump one last time.

Gah, I did it again! Zombie pun.

Mmm. Well, the operative point is I cured him.

Which means you can cure others.

Theoretically, but…

We’ll need access to a satellite network

to broadcast the Mind Stone frequency worldwide.

Well, again, theoretically,

but the technology required to do so is currently beyond human capability.

Not in Wakanda. And thanks to our force shields,

it remains the last human sanctuary on Earth.

I’ll canvas the base, see if I can find us transport.

Sergeant Barnes, you will not find what you’re looking for.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Uh, according to these security logs,

we’re not the first to respond to Vision’s signal.

More survivors! Well, then where are they?

(SOFT GROWLING)

(GUNSHOTS)

T’CHALLA: Stop. You will anger her.

T’Challa?

Bucky.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Is it really you?

Who did this to you?

We don’t have much time. We have to run. Now.

VISION: I’m sorry, Dr. Banner.

I really do wish you hadn’t found us.

Vision, what the hell is this place?

T’CHALLA: A trap.

(SPEAKS WAKANDAN)

Oh, we feared you were dead!

The Vision grabbed me in San Francisco.

Thought he was saving me.

He was just picking up takeout.

He’s been keeping him alive to feed his zombie bride.

That goth chick. I knew it! I was pickin’ up vibes.

Her name is Wanda.

And while your anger is predictable,

I can assure you my actions, though unsavory,

were nevertheless born of logic.

Well, in Vision’s defense… (CLICKS TONGUE) I’ve got nothing.

Okay, wait, I don’t get it. You cured the talking head but not her?

Her powers are too strong. They’ve resisted the treatment.

The only course of action is to contain her and her hunger.

Why not eliminate her?

I… I couldn’t.

You lured innocent people to their deaths,

all in the name of love?

(SCOFFS) Love. Sucks.

I still cannot entirely fathom what I have done.

So you should have no problem submitting to human justice!

You have awakened her.

She hasn’t eaten in days.

(WHIMPERS)

Baba Yaga! (YELLS)

Whoa! Watch out! She’s a man-eater!

There it is, I’m doing it again.

(BUCKY GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) Whoa!

Ah, thanks. I feel like I’m back at prom.

(SNARLS)

Vision, we need your help. Get us out of here.

(SHRIEKING)

Yes, Doctor, I believe you are right.

Wingardium leviosa!

Okoye.

Okoye!

My king. Wakanda forever. (GASPS)

We haven’t much time. There’s a Quadjet in the hangar.

You’re not coming?

I must atone for what I have done.

But I cannot bring myself to leave her.

(GROANS IN PAIN)

(SCREAMS)

(GROWLING)

(GROWLS)

Bucky!

Run.

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTING)

(BUCKY YELLS)

(BANNER YELLS)

(GROWLS)

Oh, nice save, big guy.

(ENGINES POWERING UP)

Do you think you can fly this?

Uh, if it ever boots up.

Uh, guys, impending doom on our six.

Uh, that’s our 12. But yes, what the head said. Doom, total doom.

I can buy you guys some time…

Dr. Banner, no, we are not leaving you.

I just… I… I really, I don’t think I can lose another friend today.

So… avenge us.

Yeah.

Okay, big guy. Kinda counting on you here.

Things are pretty bad. It’d be nice for you to be the hero.

I mean, wouldn’t it be kinda cool for you to be the nice one for a change?

(ENGINES POWERING UP)

Oh, yes!

(ENGINES POWERING DOWN)

Oh, no, no, no, no.

(ROARING)

(BOTH YELL)

We did it! We really did it!

No, don’t jinx it! (GROANS) Doesn’t anybody here watch horror movies?

Hope? Hope!

Oh! Hope!

Firing thrusters.

(ZOMBIE YELLS)

I’m sorry.

She gave her life so we could get the cure.

That’s twice she saved me.

That’s… very Hope.

ETA, 20 minutes.

Well, put another “W” on the board for the Avengers.

Go ahead, high-five. It’s okay, I won’t feel left out.

You all right?

(SIGHS) Last year, Mr. Stark asked me to join the Avengers.

I turned him down, and now they’re all gone.

And I’m still here.

In my culture, death is not the end.

They are still with us, as long as we do not forget them.

Plus, they’re not all gone.

Me. You still have me.

PETER: Oh.

I’m so sor… I-I forgot. You are an Avenger.

Totally. Big time.

Well, maybe not officially. But, you know, at heart.

Good. The world could use a little heart right now.

And once we get this to Wakanda, we’re gonna save the world.

THE WATCHER: Even in the darkest of times, humans will give all to save their planet.

Even if it might bring an end to the universe.

(GROWLS)

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