What If… Thor Were an Only Child? | Transcript

Thor, who never learned to be a good hero, throws an out-of-control intergalactic party on Earth.
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What If... Thor Were an Only Child?

Season 1 Episode 7
Original release date: September 22, 2021

After defeating the Frost Giants, Odin discovers the abandoned infant Loki and returns him to Laufey. Centuries later, Odin’s only son Thor has become a boisterous, party-loving prince. While Odin sleeps and Frigga is away, Thor travels to Earth to host a large party with aliens from across the galaxy. His arrival attracts the attention of Jane Foster and Darcy Lewis, who join the party. As Thor and Foster grow close, acting S.H.I.E.L.D. director Maria Hill summons Carol Danvers to end the destruction caused by Thor’s antics. Danvers is unable to defeat Thor without exerting her full power, so Lewis and Hill suggest she take the fight to a less populated area, while Foster contacts Frigga with Heimdall’s help. Hill readies a nuclear strike as Danvers and Thor begin to battle again, but Frigga contacts them and says she is coming. Thor and the party-goers clean up the mess before she arrives. Later, Thor asks Foster out on a date but is interrupted by an army of drones led by Ultron, who is in Vision’s body and possesses all six Infinity Stones.

* * *

WATCHER: Time.

Space.

Reality.

It’s more than a linear path.

It’s a prism of endless possibility,

where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities,

creating alternate worlds from the ones you know.

I am the Watcher.

I am your guide through these vast new realities.

Follow me and ponder the question…

“What if?”

DARCY: For the win. This is it.

(CLINKING)

And this is it, for the win.

(CLINKING)

For the win. This is it.

For the…

Yes! First try. Jane, you owe me 50… (GASPS)

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

Uh… Oh! Uh…

Uh, Jane, Jane, Jane!

It’s beeping! It’s doing the beeping!

(GASPS)

I need to talk to the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Because, if my data is correct,

I believe an alien invasion is imminent and…

(DIAL TONE)

Hello?

(RUMBLING)

Two years ago, the same anomaly struck Star Alpha Icarus

and the entire star dimmed and then, poof, disintegrated.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Yes, I know this is the Parks Department, but isn’t there something you can do?

Talking about the end of the world, my dude.

(BEEPING RAPIDLY)

They’re here.

We’re too late. The invasion has begun.

Holy moly!

WOMAN: Oh!

(ALL GASP)

(RUMBLING)

MAN: Citizens of Midgard…

(ALL GASP)

…your dull lives are about to come to an end.

(ALL GASPING)

Prepare yourselves…

for the party prince!

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

This is gonna be awesome. Whoo!

(ALL CHEERING)

WATCHER: More than battles won or lost,

it’s relationships that truly define a hero.

The people who shape them, their stories.

Thor and Loki, a brotherhood so strong and pivotal,

it would change the fate of a universe.

Their childhood taught Thor many lessons.

But in another universe,

instead of raising the Jotunheim prince, Loki, as his own son,

Odin returned him to his people.

Without his trickster brother to keep things, let’s say, lively,

Thor grew into a very different prince.

FRIGGA: Rest, my love.

Allow the Odinsleep to restore your body and soul.

(VOCALIZING)

(SIGHS)

He’s asleep. And, uh…

I’m off to my sister’s to celebrate the solstice.

Now, this is your first taste of kinghood, my prince.

I expect you to study,

read up on the Nine Realms that you will one day rule.

Of course, Mother.

No parties.

Of course, Mother.

FRIGGA: Remember, Heimdall will be watching.

Wait, what? You can’t be serious.

Behave.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Heimdall, there you are.

Just off to study. Books won’t read themselves. (CHUCKLES)

HOGUN: But your mother said…

Don’t be such a wet blanket, Hogun.

Oh, guys, stop. My father has ruled Asgard for centuries.

And, look, the most interesting thing that he’s ever done is fall asleep.

He only cares about duty and blah-blah-blah-blah responsibility.

Well, I’m not gonna be like him, right? The boring king? Uh-uh.

But Heimdall sees all. If we try anything, he’ll call Frigga.

Oh, ye of little faith.

We are going to the most backward,

backwater planet that not even Heimdall pays attention to.

Alert the realms.

(GROANS) Party on Midgard!

(MUG SHATTERS)

VOLSTAGG: Yes! (CHUCKLES)

ALL: Huzzah!

To Thor, the party prince!

Welcome! Welcome, friends.

(ALL CHANTING) Party prince!

Enjoy the night.

Thunder hug.

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES) Here, have a drink. It never runs out.

You try to drink it all, but you can’t because it’s magic! Huzzah!

(CROWD CHANTING) Huzzah! Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor!

Hollywood movies did not prepare me for this.

Shouldn’t there be more lasers? Probing? A flying cow?

According to my data,

the first extraterrestrial to arrive was…

(THOR LAUGHING)

JANE: Him?

(LAUGHING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh. I expected him to look more like…

Like what? E.T.? And less like a hottie McScotty, beach body Ken,

old-school Abercrombie catalog? I could go on. Let me.

I’m gonna go talk to him.

I’m gonna make first contact with an alien.

First? I think half the Strip beat you to it.

You can make first contact with…

I don’t know, that guy. He looks like a loser.

Ha! Big talk coming from a brunette.

(SIGHS) I’m going. How do I look?

Completely unprepared for whatever happens next.

Oh, do me, do me.

(CHUCKLES) Yes, you do me. You do me, and you too.

Oh, you guys really get me. Yes?

Huh? Oh.

Oh, there you are, all the way down there.

So tiny, I almost stood on you. How are you?

I’m Dr. Jane Foster of Earth.

Yeah, Thor, Crown Prince of Asgard.

Uh, libations, crudité, baked goods?

Mmm. Topaz, what do I always say?

I love cake.

Mmm.

Wait, wait, wait. You’re Thor? (CHUCKLES)

As in Thor, the Norse god of thunder?

I don’t know anything about horse gods, but I do know how to bring the thunder.

Uh… Okay, moving on.

Eighteen months ago, Alpha Star Icarus died.

The astronomaly that preceded it…

…happened again tonight.

Don’t drink too much.

Or too little.

Hey, thunder boy.

What I’m asking is, was that you?

Yes, Alpha Star. Now, that was an excellent party.

You know, we lost Fandral for three days.

Found him in a barn, curled up next to a baby goat.

It was classic. Isn’t that right, Fandral?

I named him Gary.

Yeah, you did.

FANDRAL: Yeah, goats!

You killed a planet.

Oh, what is that light box thing you’ve got there?

Oh, it’s magic. I love magic. Did you build this all by yourself?

Excuse me? I happen to be an astrophysicist with multiple PhDs.

You know, it would take a whole team of Asgardians to create such a thing.

You must be a genius. You are a genius, aren’t you?

(CHUCKLES) Well, I don’t know about genius, but…

And your eyes…

(GASPS)

Do all geniuses have such deep, dark eyes?

It’s like watching the birth of two stars on the edge of the galaxy.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, it’s happy hour. Want some half-price nachos?

Okay, fine, Duck. But this is not a date.

HOWARD: Let’s just see where this evolves.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

CROWD: Huh?

Release the foam.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Blow on these.

(BLOWS)

Momma needs a brand-new eye.

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS) Volstagg has crashed!

I now pronounce you Darcy and the Duck.

(VOCALIZES) Uh-huh

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SNORING)

(CHUCKLES)

(COUGHS)

(VOLSTAGG SNORING)

(SNORING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

JANE: Ah.

Ah, phone.

(PHONE RINGING)

(JANE GROANS)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(GROANS)

Ah, phone… Phone! Oh, shut up!

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(YELPS)

MAN: Dr. Jane Foster?

JANE: (GROANS SOFTLY) Coming. I’m coming.

Dr. Jane Foster!

(GROANS) Hold on.

RUMLOW: Dr. Jane Foster, this is S.H.I.E.L.D.

(SNORING)

If you do not answer, we will…

Yes?

We have her, ma’am.

Maria Hill, Acting Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

You need to come with us.

Uh…

Can this wait until after breakfast? ‘Cause…

You were the first to warn us about this extraterrestrial threat.

Now I hope you will be the key to eliminating it.

“Threat”? Would you call him a threat, really?

Do you wanna know why I am the Acting Director, Dr. Foster?

GUARDS: Nope.

Hey, Spicoli. This might be your party, but this isn’t your planet.

Before someone gets hurt, I need…

Ball cannons!

(CROWD GASPS)

Oh!

Is he okay?

He’s still unconscious.

(THOR GRUNTS, YAWNS)

We getting food?

Do you have company, Dr. Foster?

Uh… A friend.

(THOR CHUCKLES)

Guys, guys, look. There’s a cute little rabbit in the sink.

Oh, look at this little rabbit. It’s gorgeous.

He’s… a zoologist. I’ll call you, okay?

JANE: I told you everything.

I followed the anomaly’s origin to Vegas.

And then what did you do?

(CHUCKLES) Um… Uh…

Director, the party atmosphere seems to be spreading.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

COULSON: Canada, Mongolia, even Pennsylvania Dutch country.

Led by the main instigator, Thor of Asgard,

who’s now taken to the skies.

What? (SCOFFS) He left?

Did he… Did he even leave a note at…

I mean, did… Did he say where he was going?

Smooth.

Thanks.

Sarcasm.

HILL: Paris.

One of his compatriots was, and I quote, “jonesing for crêpes.”

RUMLOW: Ma’am…

the last resort has arrived.

Whoa, whoa. “Last resort” sounds very final.

This is Earth’s first encounter with alien life.

How we respond today will set the tone for diplomatic relations

between our worlds for generations.

(LAUGHS) “Diplomatic relations”? Is that what the kids are calling it?

You’re wrong, Doctor.

This isn’t S.H.I.E.L.D.’s first alien rodeo.

A beeper? My dad has one! He’s a podiatrist.

Wait, are you guys calling a podiatrist?

(BEEPS)

It’s done.

Is it happening? Did it happen? What’d I miss?

All right, here we go. Nestle on in.

Everyone say “waffles.” I love that word.

Cheese. (GIGGLING)

Waffles with maple syrup and whipped cream on top.

(FANDRAL) Thor!

(SIF) Thor!

(PANTING) He came! He’s here!

Oi! Where’s that son of a witch, Thor Odinson?

What did you say?

Fandral, tell me, is that butt-ugly Popsicle stick talking to me?

(ALL GASP)

(GROWLS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Bring it on in.

I can’t believe you came!

Loki, you are the absolute best!

You’re my brother from another mother, man. I mean that.

I mean it.

Brothers forever.

(SINGS) Brothers forever!

Forever! (CHUCKLES)

(FAINT BOOM)

Wait, what’s that boom? Did you boom?

No, I didn’t boom. Did you boom? You always boom.

I never boom. I only boom in private.

(FAINT BOOM)

Oh, oh, oh. Loki, look, it’s a shooting star. Make a wish, quick!

Yes, yes, a shooting star. Yes, okay. I wish… I wish…

I wish, I wish, I wish… I wish…

Uh… I’ve got it!

What is it? Tell me.

I couldn’t possibly tell you. It’ll ruin the magic.

Oh.

Hey, Whitesnake. We need to chat.

The name is Thor, with a “T” and an “R” and an “O” and a “H.”

But not in that order.

Quite some party you’re throwing.

THOR: Isn’t it the best?

I mean, I’d hoped the Ice Bros would show,

but Loki himself? Prince Loki?

Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

Listen, bud, clean up this mess and leave this planet.

What? No, I like it here. Everyone likes me.

We’re having a great time… till you showed up.

Party’s over, pal.

Mmm. Yeah, maybe here’s a thought. Uh, how about you just buzz off?

(GROANS)

Oh!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

I wasn’t asking, hotshot.

(GROANS)

You know, there’s a Midgardian word for women like you.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Party pooper.

(CHUCKLES) There. I said it.

(SIGHS) Okay, this one’s for Fury.

(GROANS)

Now, for the rest of you…

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS) Have at you!

Smooth move, bro. You just… (GROANS)

Hammerang. Get it?

Look, pal, I’m gonna count to three

and you’re gonna put the hammer down.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Hey, what did I tell you? Knock it off.

(CAPTAIN MARVEL YELLS)

(ALL GASP)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Whoa.

Hey, quit it. These are…

I don’t know what these are. No one does. But… No! I said no! Stop.

Oh, but I just have to do a little boop.

Oh, no, your weird rocks have all fallen over.

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

(GROANS)

Ow!

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

Party foul.

(MUTTERING)

Be right with you. Just one second.

Ah, there it is. Whoo! Let’s do this.

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELPS)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLES, GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS, GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

(PANTING) You know, I’m starting to…

Ow! Not the hair! (SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLES, GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS) Have at you! (GROANS)

(SOFT TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(FAINT RUMBLING)

(GROANS)

(THOR SIGHS)

You know what you need?

A stiff drink and two weeks in Hawaii?

THOR: A time-out.

My mother punished me with time-outs all the time, but I never learned a thing.

But maybe they’ll work on you because you’re a party pooper.

Hey, look, everyone! A party pooper.

(ALL CHANTING) Pooper! Pooper! Pooper!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

Fury said you were the best.

That your punch was equal to ten nuclear bombs.

That your cat could devour whole armies.

(GASPS) You’ve got a cat? What’s its name?

Goose.

Oh, Top Gun! You’re Maverick!

Is your ego writing checks that your skills can’t cash?

No.

HILL: Yes.

Who are you?

Darcy. Big fan. (CHUCKLES)

By the way, totally thought you were gonna be a dude captain.

But look at you, all not.

If I exert my full powers, I blow a crater in this planet.

Taking down Kappa Kappa frat freak won’t be worth the fatalities.

Ooh. What about South Dakota?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Or North Dakota?

Uh… I need to get this.

(PHONE BEEPS)

So, uh, do you need an intern? Cat wrangler?

Darcy, right now, you’re running at an eight,

and I need you to take it down to a four.

Okay?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Hello?

THOR: Jane!

Hey!

When can I see you again?

You’re the nicest, prettiest Midgardian woman I’ve ever met.

How many Earth women have you met?

Uh, two. But the other one hit me with a bridge

and, well, that hurt more than my face.

(LAUGHS)

Thor, be honest with me.

At your last party on Alpha Star, did you really destroy that planet?

No, no, it was more of a meteor anyway, not a planet.

And it was burning apart, so we just kinda helped it along and…

So no one got hurt?

Of course not.

HILL: Dr. Foster?

Even the baby goat, Gary, got home safely.

Eventually.

HILL: Dr. Foster.

Uh, I gotta go. Love you. Oh.

I mean, bye.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(SIGHS)

What were we talking about?

Look, all I’m saying is,

no one would notice if you blew up a Dakota.

Honestly, I can’t tell them apart.

South Dakota is on the bottom.

HILL: It’s not a bad idea.

The Mojave Desert could withstand the hit.

Lure him to Siberia and then go kaboom on his ass.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You’re not serious. We’re not gonna kaboom him.

We’re talking about the fate of the planet.

He’s a lughead, sure, and far from the brightest crayon in the box.

But this plan is way over the top, and I refuse to let it happen.

Thank you for your expertise, Dr. Foster,

but your assistance is no longer required.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Damn! There goes my internship with the Galactic Queen Bee.

Well, look who came waddling back. Mrs. the Duck.

Not now, Howard!

Hello, Thor?

LOKI: Who’s this?

It’s Jane. Can you hear me?

Wait. Is this the girl? Thor’s new sweet lady? Hello.

Is Thor there?

(MOANS) Late-night Chinese is the best. Oh, I love food.

Loki, get your blue butt over here. You have to try these dumplings.

Hey, Earth girl. You haven’t got a friend, have you?

You know, we could double date. (KISSING)

Ugh! Will you just put him on the phone?

Oh, don’t get your knickers in a twist. He’s right here… Oh!

Oh. Right.

Hello? Loki?

(GROANS)

Hey, hey. Watch the feathers.

Too bad we can’t call his mom.

What?

That’s what always happens.

Teenagers throw a party, it gets out of control…

Oh, you really are a genius.

Whoa.

It’s really starting to look that way, isn’t it? What’d I say?

If there’s a Thor and a Loki,

then there must be an Odin and a Frigga and a Heimdall!

Uh, he-man-who-now?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL GROANING)

You know, I’ve got a crown too, and we both like fire, right? (CHUCKLES)

Come on. Let’s see you turn up the heat on this thing.

(GASPS) Uh… Ooh, look at the time.

(ALL CHEERING)

How low can I go? (CHUCKLES, GASPS)

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Everyone! Watch me slide down that pointy thing.

(ALL CHEERING)

And away!

Whoo!

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL GASPING)

(GROANING)

This one goes here. Green in the thing. Okay, sweet. Good to go.

Selvig, thank you.

Re-aligning the satellites, magnifying the signal.

Heimdall!

(SIGHS) It’s not working.

Okay, okay. My turn. I got this.

Would the owner of the navy blue Prius…

(GROANING)

Hi. So, uh, about Thor…

(THOR GROANING)

Not cool. I actually felt that one.

We’re in position.

Arm the nukes.

What? But I thought she was the nuke.

Just in case she gets distracted by a cat.

Uh… Hello, Mrs. Odinwife?

Uh, is that Chardonnay?

A varietal, yes. Can I help you?

Why do you insist on crushing my mellow?

Huh? Loosen up. Have fun. Smile a little.

Ready to fire on your command.

Fire in five…

I gave you a warning. Hell, I gave you a warning punch.

HILL: Four.

It’s Thor. He’s in trouble.

HILL: Three.

He’s on Earth.

HILL: Two.

What about Captain Marvel?

She’ll be fine.

One.

(THOR GRUNTING)

Thor, Crown Prince of Asgard, only son of Odin, what are you doing?

Mother!

Mother?

ALL: Mother?

What are you doing here?

You must be using a lot of dark magic just to check in on me.

Ugh, I had a visitor. She’s worried about you.

Wha… Jane sold me out?

She said you were on Midgard.

Well, she is mistaken.

I’m obviously in my room, studying.

(ROARS)

(LAUGHS)

Do not tell falsehoods to your mother.

Oh, you mean Earth. Sorry, I misunderstood.

The locals call it that. Yes, right. Sorry.

Confused there for a moment.

Me and my study group came down here for a cultural exchange.

“Cultural exchange.”

You know us. We’re warriors for knowledge.

Hmm. Really? Then this I have to see for myself.

I’m cutting my trip short.

(STUTTERS) You’re coming here?

And, my sweet son, I expect to see your full syllabus when I arrive.

Now or never, Hill.

Stand down. We’re done here.

(GROANS) We never get to fire the nukes.

I almost feel bad for you, Blondie.

Please, you must help me. My mother is coming.

My suggestion? Start in the corners, clean your way outward.

Corners, corners…

But it’s a sphere.

Ugh. Excuse me, ladies. I’m sorry, but I must leave early. Again.

Loki, my brother. I require your assistance.

Ah, one step ahead of you, Tiny Thunder.

My bro’s trying this thing in St. Louis. Saint… Is it “Louie”?

Anyway, we’re about to make

this universe’s greatest slingshot.

(GASPS)

FRIGGA: Try to enjoy the rest of your time here.

See you in another thousand years. Heimdall.

No more slingshots. No more destruction. We need to clean this mess up and go home.

(DRAX RETCHING)

Ugh! Now!

Ha! (CHUCKLES) Nice one. Almost fell for it.

I’m not joking. My mother is coming.

Hmm.

But she’s not my mother.

You know, I’m your brother from another mother, remember?

(WHISTLES) Come on, Ice Bros, let’s go.

Wait. You can’t leave. Look at this place.

We have a duty to this planet. You need to clean it up.

“Duty, clean”? Ugh, you sound like Odin.

What?

Ice Men, let’s bounce.

All right, listen, party’s over.

You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay.

Wait, where you going? Come back.

No, no, no, no, no.

You do have to stay here, and we need to clean up.

Look who’s pooping the party now.

It is you! You are pooping the party.

(BOOING)

Where you going? Come back!

Let’s go, Topaz. We shall ride like the wind.

Please! Wait.

Loser.

And we’re keeping the scoot-scoots.

Guys, please. Help, I… You. How about you?

Uh… I think I hear my dad calling. Good luck.

(WAILS)

(STUTTERS) People. Beings. Please, everyone, you must stay and help.

(SOBS)

(EXHALES)

Allfather, give me strength.

(ECHOING) You will listen to me.

(ALL GASP)

My mother is coming.

ALL: Frigga?

And she is not happy.

Like, at all.

She’s really mad.

Yeah, baby.

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES)

Thor.

Oh, hello, Mother. Good to see you. Welcome to our study group.

(GASPS) Uh…

(CHUCKLES) Everyone say hello to Mother.

ALL: Hello, Mother Frigga.

And to end our studies, what do we always say, class?

ALL: Learning is magic.

See? I told you I was on an educational and cultural exchange.

Did you know that Midgard is the birthplace of the Snuggie?

Mother, you doubt?

But look at all this learning, huh?

Thor, here’s the information you requested on human civilizations.

And I loaded a few documentaries, PBS specials, NPR podcasts.

I’ll call you next week to discuss it.

So tiny yet contains so, so much. Thank you.

You must be Frigga. I’m Captain Marvel.

I know who you are. Thank you for helping educate my son.

Let’s go, darling.

Wait.

(CHUCKLES) Almost forgot.

(YELPS) Uh…

Mother, I can explain.

(SIGHS)

(THUDS)

Hi.

Thanks.

You called my mother on me.

That wasn’t a cool thing to do,

but it was the right thing. So, thank you.

You’re welcome.

(CHUCKLES) I’ll call you? Cools?

No, it is not “cools.”

No?

But I thought we had something. (STUTTERS) I really like you, Jane.

And not just because you’re a genius. You’re also very attractive and…

Well, then, ask me out on a date.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Jane Foster, it would be my honor to take you on a date.

Before you answer, let me say that I know a whole planet full of unicorns.

Even the waiters are unicorns…

It’s wonderful.

Sounds delightful. Pick me up at 8:00?

WATCHER: A world restored, love blossoming.

As children, both human and Asgardian, say,

together, they lived happily ever after.

Wait, what?

Huh?

WATCHER: Oh, dear. Perhaps I spoke too soon.

(JAUNTY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

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