Wednesday – S01E06 – Quid Pro Woe | Transcript

Wednesday's friends throw her a surprise birthday party. They mean well - but she'd much rather mark the miserable occasion by solving the murders.
Wednesday (TV series)

Original release date: November 23, 2022

Wednesday attempts to summon Goody, an old ancestor and fellow psychic. During a surprise birthday party, Wednesday has a vision of Goody who instructs her to seek out the Gates mansion. There, she witnesses Mayor Walker as he is leaving the building and sneaks into his car. After arriving back in town, Mayor Walker is run over and severely injured. Weems locks down the school and forbids Wednesday to leave campus. With Tyler and Enid’s help, she escapes and returns to the Gates mansion. There, they discover that Laurel Gates, Garrett’s relative long believed to be dead, might still be alive. They find the severed bodyparts of the monster’s victims in a cellar, but are forced to escape after being ambushed by the monster. Wednesday leads Galpin to the cellar, only to find it empty. At Nevermore, Wednesday convinces Weems not to expel her in order to be able to further pursue her investigation. At the hospital, an unknown figure kills Mayor Walker.

* * *

[ominous, suspenseful music playing]

[unearthly, indistinct whispering]

[Wednesday] In case you’re wondering, I don’t hold séances very often.

I can barely tolerate the living. Why would I want to commune with the dead?

But my mother told me Goody is the only one that can train me to control my psychic ability.

The sooner I master that, the sooner I crack this case.

[whispering continues]

[door creaks]

[wind whistles]

[music builds]

[music trails off]

[annoyed sigh]


I didn’t mean to interrupt your…

Uh, do I even want to know?

I was reaching into the black maw of death to contact a relative.

Feels very on-brand for you. You have a relative named Goody?

She was one of the original outcasts.

Been attempting to summon her, but she seems to be ignoring my entreaties.

Oh, you thought about using one of my scented candles?

The aroma of steak tartare is to die for.

[paper flutters]

Maybe Goody answered you after all.

I doubt she communicates in magazine cutouts.

[cryptic music playing]


[branches snapping]

[Enid’s claws clatter]

You insisted on coming along.

I was fine on my own.

[foreboding music playing]

Seems like our wannabe Deep Throat is already here.


What died?

Smells like childhood.

Come on.

Second thoughts. Why don’t I just stay out here?

You know, as a lookout.

[indistinct clattering]

[foreboding music continues]

[indistinct clattering]


[person coughs]

Whoever you are, show yourself.

[suspenseful music builds]

Try anything and you’ll lose limbs.

[all] Surprise!


♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Wednesday ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

I should have known you were behind this.

What part of “no party under the penalty of death” do you not understand?

I thought my cake design was pretty inspired.

The pink balloon was my little touch.

Why don’t you make a wish?

[Wednesday] Wait, it’s Latin.

Fire will rain… when I rise.

That’s not really a wish.

The first part of that was burned onto Nevermore’s lawn.

It can’t be a coincidence.

Wait, we’re never eating that cake, are we?

[eerie whooshing]

[low whispering] Crackstone is coming.

Crackstone is coming.

[disorienting music playing]


You’re the Raven in my bloodline.


I was told you could teach me how to control my ability.

There is no controlling a raging river.

You must learn to navigate it without drowning.

Time is not on our side.

To stop Crackstone, this place you must seek.

Do you always speak in riddles?

Do you always seek simple answers?

The path of a Raven is a solitary one.

You end up alone, unable to trust others, only seeing the darkness within them.

Is that supposed to scare me?

It should.

[jauntily macabre music playing]

Careful, that’s my cold shoulder.

[Enid] Don’t blame Thing. The party was my idea.

Everyone deserves to be celebrated on their birthday.

I prefer to be vilified.

What happened? It looked like you were having a seizure.

I wasn’t that lucky.

Can I at least get some kudos for pulling one over on you?

The subterfuge was impressive.

[Thing thudding]

“May your 16th be as sour and misery-filled as your desire.”

“Your ever-doting mother and father.”

They asked Thing to hide it before they left on Parents’ Weekend.

Ew! That’s so gross.

I would’ve preferred live squirrels.

While we’re still accepting presents…

[twinkling, wondrous music playing]

Well, do you like it?

What is it exactly?

It’s a snood, silly.

I made it in your signature colors.

And you want to know what the best part is?

I have one too!

[gobsmacked silence]

We can wear them together to class.

Oh, Enid, this is far too unique to wear to something like class.

I suggest we wait for a more special occasion, like a funeral.

[softly] Oh.

You know, Lucas feels terrible about what happened at the dance.

Forgive my skepticism, given his latest act of vandalism.

He had nothing to do with burning those words onto your lawn.

He’s been grounded for the last week.


He does his community service here, and we forget it ever happened.

Yes, well…

I’m in your debt, Larissa.

I don’t need your gratitude.

Just find the delinquents responsible. Perhaps start with Lucas’s cohorts.

Right after we track down whatever attacked the Ottinger boy.

Although all fingers would point to one of your own students.

Careful, Noble.

My charity has its limits.

[mysterious music playing]

In the crypt, you had another vision, didn’t you?

I didn’t realize we were back on speaking terms.

I showed up to your surprise party. I figured that would have been a hint.

What did you see?

Who said I was ready to speak with you?

Still think I’m the monster?

Haven’t ruled it out.

When you change your mind and you want my help, you know where to find me.

[mysterious music continues]

Where’d you get that?

The bracelet, where’d you get it?

Lucas. Nice to meet you.


I know.

Last week at the Weathervane, my dad said I had to get my act together.

After he left, this woman in the next booth told me about this self-help app, MorningSong.

Said it could help me refocus my life.

Usually I’d call BS on something like that, but for some reason…

You believed her.

Yeah, and she turned out to be right, so I signed up.

And they sent me this.

I guarantee MorningSong doesn’t give a damn about your well-being.

They’re only interested in your money.

Do yourself a favor. Delete that app.

The more you listen to them, the more they sink their claws into you.

How do you know?

I just do.

Which is why I’m warning the normie idiot who ruined my killer dress with his bullshit prank to not get sucked into MorningSong.

Because you’re just the type they’re looking for.

Guessing that’s not a compliment.

What do you care, anyway?

I’m trying not to turn into my mother.

She’s like the ghost of bitchiness future.


[poignant music playing]

I’ll be at the Weathervane later, if you want to stop by.

Maybe we can exchange notes on self-improvement.

[door opens, closes]

I haven’t always been against birthdays.

Each one reminds me I’m a year closer to death’s cold embrace.

What’s not to like about that?

Besides, my parents always made sure my birthdays were memorable.

[party guests] ♪ Happy birthday to you… ♪

[Wednesday] The perfect surprise.


The perfect cake.

[children chanting] Candy! Candy! Candy!

The perfect party games.

Candy! Candy! Candy!

[cheering turning into shrieking]

But now parties and presents and games, it… it all feels so trivial.

Goody warned me I was destined to be alone, and that I would be sorry for it.

[person clearing throat]

Dr. Kinbott.

I haven’t seen you since our session with your family, which was… certainly one I won’t forget.

How are things with them?

My mother and I spent some quality time together.

Got our hands dirty.




And I managed to keep my father out of prison.

What brings you here?

Eugene’s moms, I’m working with them.

Trauma like this leaves emotional scars on the whole family.

They had to head home for a few days, so I promised I’d check in on him.

I’ll leave you to it.

[Kinbott] Who’s Goody?

[inscrutable music playing]

She’s a very distant cousin.

Very distant.

Sounds like she doesn’t see you for who you really are.

She sees more than you know.

I want to assure you I remain as cold and heartless as the first day we met.

I doubt a cold, heartless person would be sitting by her friend’s bedside feeling guilt for his condition.

I didn’t ask for a free session.

Consider it my birthday gift. [chuckles]

[eerie notes twinkle]


Come in.

This just arrived from London.

Copy of an old death certificate you requested.

Thanks, Agnes.

Oh, by the way, has Inez Bloom called again?

You mean about the lights at the old Gates place?

Couple days ago. I referred her to the sheriff’s office.

I know you’re usually a quad kind of girl, but I’ve been working on that all week.

Birthday, yes.

Happy, never.

Is there anyone Thing didn’t tell?

Well, who do you think delivered the cake?

Yeah, I went with the 98% dark chocolate ganache knowing your… preferred color palette.

[country music playing faintly from speakers]

Oh, is that, uh… that Enid’s gift?

It’s perfect if you’re fleeing a war-torn country on foot.

Come on. Don’t you like a day that’s all about you?

Every day is all about me.

This one just comes with cake and a bad song.

So, if I asked you out to a non-birthday, song-free dinner… would that be something you’re interested in?

I have a tight deadline.

Emphasis on dead.

Term paper?

It’s about how whitewashing the sins of our past will come back to kill us all.


[delicate, unnerving music playing]

Have you seen that before?


What’s that supposed to be?

Never mind.

Okay, did… did I do something?

I just feel like ever since the Rave’N, you’ve kind of been ghosting me.

Am I wrong?

[tender, emotional music playing]

Guess I got my answer.

Tall, black, two sugars, to go?

[music fades away]

That threat burned onto the lawn at school, it’s also etched on the wall inside Crackstone’s crypt.

Don’t tell me you’ve been digging up more bodies.

There’s a connection there. I know it.

I’ll put out an APB on the dead pilgrim.

I figured since you no longer have an old vendetta to obsess over, you’re free to solve some real crime.

Your father and I buried the hatchet. Maybe you should do the same.

I don’t bury hatchets.

I sharpen them.

[“Sciuri Sciura” by Blonde Redhead playing]

♪ Sciuri Sciura, Sciuri Sciura… ♪

I need your help.

Don’t gloat.

What, do you want some drawing lessons?

[music stops]

Your line work’s a little shaky.

I saw that in a vision. Do you recognize it?

[eerie, cryptic music playing]

[Wednesday] When did you draw this?

[Xavier] Couple days ago.

I started having those dreams again, like before.

Was the monster in them?

No, but I could feel it in the shadows.

You know, kind of lurking in my mind.

[Wednesday] You know where this is?

Yeah. It’s the old Gates mansion.

I pass it when I go running.


[Xavier clears throat]

Okay. Listen…

After the dance, I just wanted to forget about you, but I couldn’t.

So I started painting and that’s what came out.

I can hear you up there playing.

[playing “Cello Concerto in E minor” by Elgar]

I can tell how you get lost in the music.

I feel like it’s the only time I get to see the real you.

[frustrated sigh]

[phone keyboard clacking]

You’re Bianca, right?

Uh, could you do me a favor?

Wednesday forgot this. Could you give it back to her?

Birthday gift from Enid.

Aren’t you her boyfriend?

Definitely not.

Sure, no problem.

I was just leaving anyway.

Didn’t think you were actually going to show.

Me neither.

Took your advice.

Seriously, why are you here?

I didn’t think any outcast would ever speak to me again.

Just… wanted someone to talk to.

I feel like we’re in the same boat.

My mother showed up last week to remind me that sirens can never change their scales.

No matter how hard I try, there will always be people who look down on me.

My mission is to prove her wrong.

I just figured you could relate.

[gentle, tender music playing]

Most people think I’ll never amount to anything.

And while we’re being honest, I haven’t done much to make them think differently.

Why did you trash the dance?

I don’t know.

Guess I was angry that my dad was humiliated on Outreach Day.

Wanted payback.

But then after we did it, I kind of felt like crap.

I realized I needed to wipe the board, you know? Start over.

If that makes any sense.

More than you know.

[foreboding music playing]

[Wednesday] This is where Garrett Gates lived.

The boy my father was accused of murdering.

The sheriff told me his family died, along with their legacy of hate.

But ghosts don’t kill the living.

Goody showed me this house for a reason.

I need to unlock its secrets, or die trying.

[lilting stinger]

[lock turning]

I need a distraction.

Sheriff, pick up your damn phone, it’s Noble.

Listen, I might have figured out who’s behind all of this.

[indistinct rattling]

It’s a long shot. I’m gonna have to lay it out for you.

We’ll do it over pie at the Weathervane, just like the old days.

See you soon.

[shocked gasp]


[tires screeching]


Call 911!

Get an ambulance!

[distressing music swells]

[siren wailing]

[Galpin] He’s alive.


I’ll take you back after I get your statement.

I already gave it to your deputy.

Blue Cadillac with no license plates.

Yeah, I know.

I want a better one.

What were you doing in the mayor’s SUV?

I saw him coming out of the Gates mansion.

The Gates mansion. What the hell were you doing there?

House hunting.

I overheard the voicemail he left you.

I was intrigued.

Back when the mayor was sheriff, he used to have a lot of wild theories on cases that he couldn’t solve.

So… we’d dissect them over pie, sitting right back there in that booth.

Most of the time they went nowhere.

Call me old-fashioned, but when someone is run over on their way to give the police key information, it usually means they were onto something.

And all signs point to the Gates family and that house.

The Gates family.

How? They’re all dead. Every last one of them.

And I don’t believe in ghosts.

Maybe you should.

How do you end up at the center of every terrible thing that happens here?

Incredible luck.

As of now, the school is on full lockdown, and your off-campus privileges are revoked until further notice.

[frenetic clacking]

Wednesday, I just heard what happened to Mayor Walker.

Are you all right? I… I can’t imagine witnessing something like that.

[typewriter dings]

It was on my bucket list.

You can tell the warden I’m still in my cell.

Principal Weems is only looking out for your best interests.

You could have been seriously hurt or worse.

Oh. How goes the novel?

Viper’s investigation has been thwarted on several fronts, but she’s plotting her next course of action.

[keys clacking]

Sounds intriguing.

I saw this on my bookshelf and thought of you.

Mary Shelley wrote it on a dare when she was only 19.

I know.

She’s both my literary hero and nemesis, and I have two years and 364 days to beat her.

Well, I think it’s very smart that you’re focusing on literary monsters, and leaving whatever real ones might be out there to the authorities.

“No man chooses evil because it is evil.”

“He only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.”

Mary Shelley wrote that line to describe people like Weems, who do bad things under the guise of protecting the greater good.

Did she put you up to this?


Encourage me to pursue other interests?


But she will expel you if you continue to defy her.

So you’re only looking out for my best interests?


I think we’re a lot alike.

We aren’t.

I don’t need your help or your pity. I already have a mother and a therapist.

That’s enough torture, even for me.

[dejected sigh]

[door closes]

[phone receiver clattering]

[dial tone drones]

[keypad beeping]

[phone ringing]


I’ve reconsidered your offer.

[Tyler] My offer?

The non-birthday dinner.

Really? That’s great. Um…

When are you free?

Pick me up outside the Nevermore gates at 8:00.

Cut your lights.

Uh… Wednesday?

[Galpin] Ty? What did I tell you?

Come on, bud, steer clear of Wednesday Addams.

She’s the kind of girl who’s gonna get you hurt.

Believe me, I know the type.

Is that supposed to be about Mom?

Of course not. That would require you to actually talk about her.

[low, discomforting music playing]

I can’t deal with this right now.

I gotta get to the hospital. I gotta check on the mayor.

Be home before curfew.

Did you ever even love her?

[poignant, melancholy music playing]

More than you could ever know.

[door closes]

[quizzical music playing]

I’ve been thinking about my less-than-enthusiastic response to your surprise soirée.

And I must admit,

I regret not showing my gratitude towards you more appropriately.

You really mean it?

Take the win, Enid.

If only there were a way for us to get off campus and have a little birthday redo.

Just two best friends.

Too bad the school is on lockdown.

Would you look at that full moon…

Oh, how about I say I’m about to wolf out and get a pass to the lupin cages?

And say you volunteered to lock me in.

My deviousness has finally rubbed off on you.

[Enid chuckles]


You know what to do, right?

[quirky, impish music playing]

Oh, we should wear our snoods.

Oh, I… I believe I left mine at fencing.

Actually, you left yours at the Weathervane.

Luckily, Bianca brought it back.

Like a monkey’s paw.

[whimsically gloomy music playing]


Let’s go.

Uh… Uh…

Hi. Nice to see you too.

Wait, he’s our Uber driver?

Uber driver?

I thought we were going on a date.

I thought this was a girls’ night out.

There’s been a change of plans.

What’s up with the weird matching hoodie scarf things?

Don’t ask.

Just drive.

[engine turns over]

Hey, Wednesday?

Are you guys in here?

I know you’re still mad about the painting, but I just want to talk to you for a second.

[typewriter keys clacking]

Where is she, Thing?

[bell dings]

[Enid] Seriously, you wanna go in there?

This place is creepy AF.

I know.

Okay. This isn’t what I signed on for.


I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday by going to dinner or a surprise party.

I want to do this.

[Tyler] Then you shoulda just said so. You didn’t have to trick us.

If you want to go, you can.

I’m going to go check out the garage.

[gate hinges creaking]

[low, foreboding music playing]

[door rattles]

[Tyler] Let me try.

This is pointless.

Can I try?


Werewolf thing.

[mysterious music playing]

[Enid] This hit the mayor.

Okay. This just took a dark turn.

We need to call Tyler’s dad right freaking now.


So he can take me back to Nevermore and get me expelled?

It’s not gonna happen.

[Tyler] This is the night I’m gonna die.

[Enid whimpering quietly]

[Wednesday] Here they are. The Gates family.

They scrub up well for psychopaths.

There’s Garrett, his outcast-hating father, Ansel, and you must be Laurel.

They’re all long gone.

So the question is, why did Goody lead me here?

Seen enough?

[gears clicking, whirring]

[machinery creaking, sliding]

[music intensifies]

[Enid whimpers uncomfortably]

Who doesn’t have a spooky built-in altar in their family library?

Ours is in the living room.

More seating for year-long Dia de los Muertos.


[chilling music playing]

They’re still warm.


Tyler, you check the rest of the ground floor.

Enid and I will search upstairs.

[Enid] We will?

[chilling music continues]

All right, you go left, I go right.

You seriously want to split up? In here?

That is literally how every best friend dies in a horror movie.

The faster we search, the sooner you can leave.

[Enid muttering fearfully]


[breathes shakily]

[voice trembling] Why am I even here?

I know what my mom would say.

“Enid, you’re a doormat.”

“You’re too needy.”

“Show some teeth. Nobody likes a desperate little furball.”

Shut up, Mom. Get out of my head!

[low, ominous music playing]

[Enid] Wednesday, you need to see this.

[music intensifies]

The bed’s made.

No dust or cobwebs…

[delicate, unsettling music playing]


Laurel Gates.

Looks like somebody moved back into their old room.

It’s not possible.

She died 25 years ago, drowned overseas.

[object shattering]

Let’s go.

This is officially the worst girls’ night out ever!

Guys! Get out! It’s here!

[claws slashing]

[Tyler screams]

[guttural growl]

The dumbwaiter. Go!


[Enid screams]

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

[jarring stinger]

[creature growling]

No, not your snood!


[creature growling]

Oh my God.

[rope stretching, fraying]

[Enid screams]


[Enid coughing]

[Enid panting]

[tense music playing]

[thunderous footsteps boom]

[music intensifies]

[creature growling]

[Enid screams]

[heavy, resounding footsteps]

What are you doing?

These are the body parts from the monster’s victims.

Come on.

[creature snarls]

You okay?

Since when do you care?

Wednesday, what the hell are you thinking?

[Wednesday] We have to go back for Tyler!

[Enid] The monster’s there!

[Tyler breathing heavily]

Enid, hold this.

That thing is still inside!

You’re hurt. Can you walk?

[Wednesday] Where’d you come from?


Take this.

[Tyler grunting]

[Xavier] What happened to him?

[Tyler winces softly]

Thanks, Doc.

[Enid] Not to make this about me, but I am having a full-blown panic attack now.

We need to get back before Weems realizes we’ve been gone.

What the hell happened?

This was you, wasn’t it?

Wait, Dad, please. I’m okay.

Sheriff, I understand you’re upset, but I think you need to see something.

It was all here.

The… The… The body parts and the blue Cadillac, the altar, and the bedroom filled with fresh roses.

Yeah, well, it’s all gone now.

Somebody cleared this place out after we left.

Listen, yesterday I told you all signs pointed to this house, and I was right.

That your justification for almost getting my son and your friends killed? Huh?

Now, you listen to me.

From this point forward, you are forbidden from seeing Tyler, and you are forbidden from pursuing anything to do with this case, understood?

[thunder rumbling]

You directly violated my explicit order and left campus during a lockdown.

Not to mention putting your peers and yourself in danger.

Which is grounds for expulsion. I know.

And you have every right to exercise that option.

I do believe it would be a grave error on your part.

[disbelieving scoff]

I think contrition might be in order right now, Miss Addams. Not hubris.

I’ll never apologize for trying to uncover a truth.

[menacing music playing]

[Weems] What is this?

It’s a warning from Rowan.

Is this why he tried to kill you?

His mother drew it before she died.

Said I was destined to destroy the school.

But I think I’m meant to save it.

Now you know what’s at stake.

Everything you vowed to protect, no less.

I think I deserve another chance.


One more infraction…

One more step out of line and you will be expelled.

No ifs, no buts.

Enid and Xavier are spared as well.

And no more negotiation.

Good night.

Where are you going?

Yoko’s room.

Thornhill said I could crash there for a few nights.

There’s no need.

I spoke with Weems. You and Xavier won’t be punished.

Am I supposed to thank you?

I already apologized. It’s over.


Tonight was the icing on the birthday cake you couldn’t even be bothered to cut.

You’ll use anyone to get what you want, even if it means putting them in danger.

We could have died tonight because of your stupid obsession.

But we didn’t.

And now I’m one step closer to solving this case.

That is what is important.

I’ve tried really, really, really hard to be your friend.

Always put myself out there.

Thought of your feelings. Told people, “I know she gives off serial killer vibes, but she’s just shy.”

I never asked you to do that.

You didn’t have to because that’s what friends do!

They don’t have to be asked.

The fact that you don’t know that says everything.

You want to be alone, Wednesday? Be alone.

[door slams]

[restrained, morose music playing]

[Wednesday] Goody warned I was destined to be alone.

Maybe it’s inevitable.

But for the first time in my life, it doesn’t feel good.

There’s also something else.

A gnawing feeling.

That death is close at hand.

Watching me.

[chilling music playing]

[determined music playing]

But I won’t be intimidated. And I will never give up.

That house.

That family.


The monster.

Somehow me.

We all seem to be connected like a spider’s web.

And when Mayor Walker got too close to the truth, he was silenced.

[ventilator hissing]

But I won’t be.

So whoever’s watching me, know this.

I will find you.

[jauntily macabre outro music playing]


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