Wednesday – S01E04 – Woe What a Night | Transcript

Wednesday asks Xavier to the Rave'N dance, sparking Tyler's jealousy - but Thing's got something up his sleeve. Meanwhile, Eugene stakes out the cave.
Wednesday (TV series)

Original release date: November 23, 2022

Wednesday and Thing break into the coroner’s office to copy the files of the monster’s victims. In trying to identify a pattern, she finds that each victim has had bodyparts surgically removed. Wednesday becomes suspicious of Xavier and follows him into his art studio, where she discovers several drawings of the monster, leading her to the monster’s lair. There, she retrieves one of its claws and gives it to Sheriff Galpin to match its DNA. Wednesday and Tyler attend a local dance together. Meanwhile, classmate Eugene, who is privy to Wednesday’s investigative work, witnesses a cloaked figure detonating the monster’s cave. The dance is interrupted by Mayor Walker’s son Lucas who triggers the building’s fire sprinklers in revenge for Wednesday disrupting the town ceremony. Wednesday senses that Eugene is in danger and heads into the forest, only to find him gravely injured by the monster.

* * *

[low, ominous music playing]

[rattling, thudding]

[tense music playing]

[Wednesday] Dr. Kinbott tells me I should get out more.

Says I need to open my mind to new people and experiences.

Who am I to argue with her professional clichés?

While I do the autopsy, you find the files of the monster’s other victims and make copies.

[Thing taps loudly]

Don’t pout.

Your scalpel skills are questionable.

Do you remember my 13th birthday, when Uncle Fester gave me that cadaver?

You sliced right through that man’s carotid.

[resigned tap]




[inhales appreciatively] Magnificent hematoma.

There you are.

Thursday, 7:23 p.m. The body is that of a 50-year-old male.

[copier whirs]

Lacerations and defensive wounds appear on both hands.

What remains of the chest and torso indicates a frenzied attack.

Subject has been almost entirely disemboweled.

[anxious tapping]

[vehicle approaching]

This is curious.

Subject’s left foot is missing.

It appears to have been chewed off at the ankle.

Have you seen a left foot anywhere?

[frantic tapping]

Calm down. Who’s coming?

Appreciate you coming back to the office, Doc.

No problem, Sheriff.

Whatever I can do to help.

Whatever or whoever is responsible for these killings…

In all my years, I’ve never seen injuries like them.


I thought you should see this before I issued my report on the latest victim.

It’s a real noodle-scratcher.

The killer cut off two toes from the victim’s left foot.

Best guess, they used a surgical saw.

The final autopsy report’s still pending.

Minute you’re done, send it straight to my desk.

Media blackout on the toes.

Sure thing, Sheriff.

Been a busy couple of weeks, huh?

At least I’m going out in style. Friday’s my last day.

Happy retirement, Doc.

Gonna surprise Mrs. Anwar with a four-week cruise.

[chuckles wryly]

Excited to trade rib shears for Mai Tais.

See yourself out. I’ll lock up.

[mysterious music playing]

[music swells, trails off]

I don’t remember this one coming in.

Full rigor. You’ve been dead a while.

Guess you won’t mind waiting another day for me to cut you open.

[mysterious music continuing]

Five more minutes.

I was just getting comfortable.

[jauntily macabre music playing]

[“Tierra Rica” by Carmita Jiménez plays]

♪ Yo so la pregonera ♪

♪ En alas de canción… ♪

When I suggested giving your side of the room a makeover, I did not have Ted Bundy’s Pinterest in mind.

Still not as creepy as your stuffed unicorn collection.

Is this why you snuck out last night?

Thing and I made an unsanctioned trip to the morgue to copy the files of the monster’s victims.

Okay, there are so many levels of ew in that statement, I don’t know where to begin.

I need to get inside its head.

Discover any patterns or anomalies. I’ve already made a big discovery.

Turns out all of the monster’s victims have had body parts surgically removed.

The first one a kidney, the second a finger…

[panting] Wednesday, I don’t feel…

Third a gall bladder.

And the bearded man from the meeting house, two toes.

Do you understand what this means? These murders aren’t mindless.

He’s collecting trophies like a seasoned serial killer. It’s impressive, actually.

♪ …flamantes riachuelos ♪

♪ Sonrientes… ♪

[weary tap]

Fetch the smelling salts.


♪ Ruiseñores, tenores que cantan… ♪

[Thornhill] While most plants reward their pollinators with sweet nectar, many carnivorous varieties turn to sexual trickery or deception.

[song trails off]

[Xavier grunts]

I tweaked my back fencing.

[Thornhill] The orchid produces a pheromone that mimics a female insect, luring the males in.

Now, once the plant is pollinated, what do the male insects get in exchange?

Nada. Just like all the guys at the Rave’N.

[students laugh]

Okay, okay. I know you’re all excited about Saturday, which is why I haven’t assigned any homework.

[scattered cheers]


But I do still need volunteers for the decorating committee.

Anyone interested, come and see me up here.

[Xavier] You’re not gonna volunteer?

Aren’t you pumped about disco balls and spiked punch?

There’s even a DJ. MC Blood Suckaz.

I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.

[chuckles drily]

I’ll probably do that anyway.

Or you could invite someone and have a little fun.

[Xavier grunts]

[tense music playing]

[birds warbling]

We need to do this.

Xavier didn’t get those scratches from fencing.

He’s hiding something.

[suspenseful music playing]

I suppose every artist needs a muse.

Xavier, you just became that much more interesting.




What are you doing?


I just saw you come out this way.

What is this place?

It’s kind of my private art studio.

I cleared it out, fixed it up, so Weems let me use it.

How very entrepreneurial. I would love to see inside.

Why don’t you give me a tour?

Not right now. It’s a total mess.

I shadowed a crime scene photographer last summer.

I’m not easily fazed.

Maybe another time. Why were you looking for me?

I wanted to go over Ms. Thornhill’s homework assignment.

She didn’t give us homework.


Why are you really out here?

Is this about a certain dance that makes you want to poke needles into your eyes, perhaps?

I’m all ears.

[Wednesday] Sometimes intentions melt in the face of unexpected opportunity.

If this was my chance to get up close and personal with a potential serial killer, how could I refuse?

Are you really going to make me ask?

Oh, absolutely.

[weary sigh]

[flatly] Would you…


Would you possibly consider going to the Rave’N dance with a certain…

Would… Would you go to the dance with me?


Yes, Wednesday, I would love to go to the dance with you.

I thought you’d never ask.

[gritting teeth] Neither did I.

[squeals] Oh my God! Wednesday Addams is going to the Rave’N.

My whole world is tilted!

You know what you need?

A bullet to the head?

A dress.

I already have one.

Not the one you showed up here in!

That thing was a fashion emergency not even lightning could resuscitate.

Thing, back me up here.

You need something that screams, “First date. Stand back, bitches! I have arrived!”

And I know just the place!

What kind of dystopian hellscape is this?

[dolorous music playing]

[Enid] Our first roomie shopping spree!

The dance committee’s suggesting all white to match the theme, but that’s not gonna fly with us.

I have more pressing business than to worry about a dress for a dance I don’t want to attend.

But I thought we were bonding.

[students laughing]

I feel I’ll only slow you down.

You’re a gazelle. I’m a wounded fawn.

Cut me loose and go run with the pack.

Are you sure?

I’m going to see Galpin. I’m not stop…

[grandiose, elegant music playing]

[door chimes ring]

Hi, Wednesday.

That dress will certainly turn some heads.

Are you collecting more exotic trinkets for your office?

Those are souvenirs from my travels.

That’s how I step outside of my comfort zone.

Speaking of which, are you going to the Rave’N this weekend?

I’m not required to answer your questions out in the wild, am I?

I look forward to talking about it at our next session.

We both know that there’s a monster out there.

If we’re going to stop it, I think it’s time we put our differences aside and work together.

And this is your stake for me to deal you in?

[Galpin sighs]

I’m sorry, you gotta do better than that. You got some nice detail though.

I didn’t draw it.

I need to know who did.

Unless we’re exchanging intel, I’m not at liberty to say.

Why would I share information about an ongoing murder investigation with a high school kid?

Because I go to Nevermore and you don’t.

Don’t you want eyes and ears behind those ivy-covered walls?

Listen, Velma, why don’t you and the Scooby gang stick to your homework and leave investigating to the professionals.

[phone ringing]


[woman] Mayor Walker’s on line two.

He’s looking for an update.

Hey, Addams.

Let me see that sketch again.

[suspenseful music playing]

The person who drew this, that your suspect?

When you bring me some concrete evidence, maybe we’ll talk.

Yes, Mayor. Everything’s going splendidly.

[indistinct chatter]

[student] My spiky little sea urchin.

That’s horrible.

That’s actually her singing.

[chatter subsides]

Is it okay if I talk to Enid?

[Enid] Don’t worry. I can handle him.



Lucas Walker, mayor’s son.

Recently split from cheer captain, Chrissy Smothers.

Cute brunette who needs to rethink her spray tan.

That’s kinda scary.

I have a nose for gossip and I follow half your grade on TikTok.

Oh yeah, and my roommate kicked your butt… twice.

Wednesday Addams is your roommate?

Sure is.

I know this isn’t a random encounter.

So, why are you sitting here, Lucas Walker?

You must want something.

I’ve got a friend who works at Hawte Kewture.

She overheard you’re on the hunt for a date to the Rave’N.

Maybe we can help each other out.

Don’t want to ask what trouble you’re in now.

Nothing I can’t handle.

Your father’s in particularly frustrating form today. Avoid.

Yeah, welcome to my world.

You guys have the Rave’N this weekend, right?

It was all the buzz at the Weathervane today.

I must be the only one not obsessed with this stupid dance.

So, you’re not going?

Actually, I was forced to ask someone as an act of self-preservation.

Sure, that happens, I guess.

So, who is it?

[restrained, poignant music playing]


Got it.

Hope you two have fun.

I’m not sure why you’re upset.

That’s kind of the problem.

I mean, call me crazy, Wednesday, but you keep giving me these signals.

It’s not my fault I can’t interpret your emotional Morse code.

Then let me spell it out.

I thought we liked each other, but then you pull something like this, and I have no idea where I stand.

Am I in the “more-than-friend zone” or just a pawn in some game you’re playing?

I’m just dealing with a lot right now.

I need to prioritize.

Thanks for clearing that up.

I guess, give me a call if I ever move up your to-do list.

[forcefully] Not one word.

[bees buzzing]

Enid wouldn’t let me keep this in our dorm.

No worries. Mi colmena es su colmena.

I assume this is the creature that’s been rampaging in the woods.

You’ve heard about it before?

Rumors. Mr. Fitts banned me from bug-hunting until further notice.

Claimed a bear was on the loose, which I knew was a lie.

Didn’t match their hibernation schedules.

Speaking of monsters with sharp claws, could you give this to your roomie?

Put in a good word for me?

I hear she’s still sans date for the Rave’N.


I know the chances of her asking me are next to zero, but I don’t care.

I’ll keep putting myself out there until Enid finally… sees me.

And if she never does?

She will.

I’m playing the long game.

My moms say people will appreciate me when I’m older.

They’re probably just trying to make me feel better, but…

Listen, people like me and you, we’re different.

We’re original thinkers, intrepid outliers in this vast cesspool of adolescence.

We don’t need these inane rites of passage to validate who we are.

So you’re not going to the Rave’N either?

Actually, I am.

With Xavier.

I see.

It’s not like I like Xavier.

I just have ulterior motives.

Sketches are the closest thing I have to a lead to try and stop this thing.

[Eugene] That circle…

I think I know where that is.

Show me.

[eerie music playing]

[Wednesday] It’s definitely a match.

What were you doing out here?

Collecting specimens.

This place is ground zero for horny gypsy moths.

You think it’s in there?

Only one way to find out.

[eerie music continues]

I’m not a huge fan of enclosed spaces.

I’m claustrophobic.

If you hear me screaming bloody murder, there’s a good chance I’m just enjoying myself.

[Eugene sighs]


[Wednesday] This is definitely its lair.

[Eugene] Are those human?

No, I think it’s got a taste for venison.

Check this out.

[chilling music playing]


What is that?

Concrete proof.

All right, I won’t be long.

I just need to find something to match against the claw’s DNA.

[tense coda plays]

[chilling music playing]

What are you doing?

How do you know what the monster looks like?

Or are these all just self-portraits?

[scoffs] What, you think it’s me? I saved your life.

So did the monster. Or was that you the night Rowan was killed?

You so are out of line now.

I’m trying to uncover the truth.

And your art seems to have a recurring motif.


This creature’s been haunting my dreams for weeks.

I try to block it out, but I can’t. So I just… come in here and paint it.

When I was painting this one, claws reached out and took a swipe at me.

That’s how I got these.

I thought you were able to control your ability.

Not when it comes to this.

Maybe it’s your guilty conscience.

I told you I’m not the monster, okay?

You just happened to draw pictures of it, down to the location of its lair in the woods?

Those are some pretty vivid dreams.

You were in here.

Before, when I caught you outside.

That’s the only reason you asked me to the Rave’N?

[scoffs] To try and cover.

You are unbelievable.

It’s nothing personal.

No, it never is with you, is it?

I mean, do you even care about anyone or anything at all, Wednesday?

Get out!

Yeah, I know Inez is usually three sheets to the wind, but she keeps calling the mayor and she’s BS-ing that there’s lights on at the old Gates place.

So do a drive-by, make sure there’s no squatters.

That’s the claw of the monster and that’s a dried blood sample from a potential suspect.

He used it to dab scratches on his neck.

Run the DNA test and see if they match.

I’m sorry, do I work for you?

You asked for concrete evidence. That’s it.

Where’d you get this?

And who’s the suspect?

Run the test first, then I’ll explain everything.

I’m not playing games, Addams.

Neither am I, Sheriff.

Bernice, bring me a DNA authorization form, please.


[Wednesday] Why so glum?

Saw Enid at lunch. Asked if she got my honey.

It’s not like I didn’t warn you.

Since neither you nor I have a date to the dance…

We should go together!


No, I was going to suggest we stake out the cave and identify the monster.

Whoever it may be.

So… I hear you might be free tomorrow night after all.

[Xavier chuckles]

[customer] Thank you.

[espresso machine whirring]

[bell dings]

[upbeat pop music playing]

[Thornhill] Okay, have fun with it!

You look gorgeous!

So gorgeous!

Welcome to this year’s Rave’N!

Oh, beautiful! What a nice top!

Have a dance for me!

[upbeat pop music playing]

Welcome to the Rave’N.

Well, here’s to a night they’ll never forget.

Careful what you wish for.

[Thornhill] You were a Nevermore student once.

Don’t you remember being full of hope and excitement about the Rave’N?

All I remember is disappointment.

The boy I asked turned me down for another girl.

Morticia Frump, in fact.

Wednesday’s mother?

Oh, make sure nobody spikes the punch.

We can’t afford a single misstep tonight.

[knocking at door]

I’m coming, Eugene!

Hey, did you grab any extra batteries for the flash…


I got your invite.

Guessing you had Thing drop it in the tip jar?

Good guess.

After our last conversation, I wasn’t sure I’d even get to speak to you again, but…

Well, your note was so genuine and… sweet.

Totally took me by surprise.

Me too.

Well, now that I’m here, I’m glad I came.

You need a few minutes?

Genuine and sweet? How could you do this to me?

[frustrated sigh]

[Thing snaps twice]

[grandiose, elegant music playing]

How’d you pay for it?

Five-finger discount, of course.

Thing, don’t look.

[darkly grandiose music playing]

Wow, you look…

Unrecognizable? Ridiculous?

A classic example of female objectification for the male gaze?


I mean it, Wednesday. You look beautiful.


Wednesday, what’s going on?

[pop music playing faintly]

What happened to staking out the cave?

Sure, I get it. Guess I’ll check out the woods myself.

Don’t go alone.

It’s too dangerous. Stand down.

We’ll go together tomorrow night, understood?

Staking out a cave?

A Hummer never shies away from danger.

[“The Beginning” by Magdalena Bay playing]

♪ No hero nor a villain inside ♪

♪ Now, easy living, it sets you free… ♪

Is that an abominable snowman?

Oh my God! You can’t say that, it’s offensive!

The correct name is Yeti.

Oh, sorry. Do any go here?

Not anymore. They’ve been extinct since the 1950s.

Our science teacher Ms. Thornhill chaired the dance committee this year.

She wanted the Rave’N to feel relevant.

So our theme is climate crisis meets extinction event.

But in a fun way!

Okay, the theme of our last dance was Hawaiian nights.



[Lucas gasps]


Oh my God, I’m so sorry! Let me fix that!


I thought that was you.

Is that your date?

Yes, and he’s having the best time with me.

We are both loving this dance… together.


Does your mood have to do with a certain pig-tailed goth girl?

She’s not here.

We are.

You’re right. I’m sorry.

I do really like being here with you, so…

I appreciate the last-minute invitation.

No more talking about Wednesday Addams.


Yo, check it out.

[pop song playing]

Wednesday totally busted out of her cocoon.

Like a death’s-head moth.

Do you see Bianca’s face?

She’s not going to be happy.

Wednesday Addams. What a lovely surprise.

Ms. Thornhill.

This is Tyler…


Uh, yeah. Double-cap, no foam, two pumps of sugar-free vanilla.

[chuckles] It’s a small town. It’s hard to keep secrets.

I’m gonna go get us some drinks.

♪ Been waiting all my life For someone like you ♪

♪ I been waiting all my life For someone like you ♪

OMG! I love the look!

Interesting choice of date though.

I could say the same.

It’s not what it looks like.

Good, because that pilgrim already has two strikes in my book.

Lucas is trying to make his ex jealous.

I’m trying to make Ajax jealous.

It’s a win-win.

Wednesday, I come in peace.

That’s a shame. I brought my pocket mace.

The medieval kind.

♪ I’ve been waiting all my life For someone like you ♪

♪ I’ve been waiting all my life For someone like you ♪

Can’t believe you brought him.

Why are you bringing this up?

As if this dance weren’t tedious enough.

You don’t know what he did to me.

Enlighten me.

I’m so sorry about your pants.

Are those the playoffs? Who’s winning, the Penguins or the Ducks?

You follow pro hockey?

Lifelong Sharks fan.

I grew up with older brothers.

It was like, “Watch hockey or we’ll go all Tang Lung on you.”

You mean Tang Lung from Way of the Dragon?

Only the best kung fu movie ever made!

You are different!

You up for getting down?


[insects chirruping]

Eugene Ottinger.

2100 hours.

No movement at the cave.

No sign of the target.

[grasshopper chirrs]


I just heard a rare club-horned grasshopper.

[pop music playing faintly in distance]

Was it the thin mountain air or the Yeti-tinis that got to you?

Xavier told me what you did last year.

How you and your friends assaulted him and destroyed his mural on Outreach Day.

I guess that was inevitable.

Look, I… I wish I could say that it was an accident, or that it wasn’t half as bad as it sounds, but I’d be lying.

And he could have made things a lot worse for me, but he didn’t.

Why’d you do it?

I mean, I could give you a million excuses, but… the truth is I’m still trying to figure that out.

I got sent away to this boot camp and realized that’s not the version of myself I want to be.

A bitter townie that blames everyone else for the shitty hand he’s been dealt.

Look, I did a terrible thing, but I swear I’m not a terrible person.

Did you think I was going to judge you over some lousy prank?

I would have taken it further.

Like putting piranhas in a swimming pool?

I may have done a little digging on you after we met.

I’d do it again.

I knew there was a reason I liked you.

[“Goo Goo Muck” by The Cramps playing]

♪ When the sun goes down And the moon comes up ♪

♪ I turn into a teenage goo goo muck ♪

♪ Yeah, I cruise through the city And I roam the streets ♪

♪ Looking for something That is nice to eat ♪

♪ You better duck ♪

♪ When I show up ♪

♪ The goo goo muck ♪

♪ I’m the night headhunter Looking for some head ♪

♪ With a way-out body Underneath that head ♪

♪ Yeah, I’ll get you, baby With a little luck ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m a teenage tiger And a goo goo muck ♪

♪ You better duck ♪

♪ When I show up ♪

♪ The goo goo muck ♪

Come on!

I’ll be right back.

[surf rock bridge continues]

Oh, hi.

♪ Yeah, the city is a jungle And I’m a beast ♪

♪ I want the most But I’ll take the least ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m a goo goo muck tiger And a teenage beast ♪

Do me a favor.

♪ You better duck when I show up ♪

Take off your amulet and make me forget about her.

I can’t believe you’d ask me to do that.

You said no strings.

You broke up with me because you thought I was manipulating you with my siren song.

Now you want me to use it to help you get over another girl?

[clears throat]

[singer cawing, ululating]

[singer intoning gravely]

♪ The goo goo muck ♪

[song trails off]

[brake sets]

[boy] Let’s go.

Come on.

You got it? Take it.

Keep feedin’ it. Let’s go. Come on.

Move! Move!

I’ll do it.

I was thinking maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

I don’t want my dad to get any blowback, you know?

Dude, you’re the whole reason we’re doing this!

To get revenge on those freaks for nuking Crackstone’s fountain!

Don’t tell me you’ve gone soft like Tyler. Come on, let’s go.

[vehicle approaching]

Eugene Ottinger. 2242 hours.

Potential suspect has arrived at location.

[mysterious music playing]

Oh my God.

[chilling music playing]

Whoever invented high heels clearly had a side hustle as a torturer.

As my dear mother always says, “Fire tests gold, suffering tests a woman.”

Speaking of suffering, where’s your date?

I didn’t see you and Xavier on the dance floor.

We had a little tiff.

About you, actually.

You don’t know what it’s like.

Being beautiful and popular?

Never knowing people’s true feelings.

If someone likes me for me.

What about your amulet?

It’s not foolproof.

It’s a mild prophylactic, so to speak.

That’s why Xavier broke up with me.

He could never fully trust me.

The worst part is I could never trust his feelings either.

I never knew if they were real or not.

You’re lucky.

Do tell.

You don’t care what people think of you.

Honestly, I wish I cared a little more.

[Wednesday sighs]

[suspenseful music playing]


[electro-pop music playing]

It’s time for the big finish.

Yo! Almost eleven o’clockity, so haul it out on the dance floor one last time before the Rave’N says “Nevermore!”

[“Physical” by Dua Lipa playing]

♪ When I got you next to me ♪

♪ All night, I’ll riot with you ♪

♪ I know you got my back And you know I got you ♪

♪ So come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Let’s get physical ♪

♪ Lights out, follow the noise ♪

♪ Baby, keep on dancing Like you ain’t got a choice ♪

♪ So come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Let’s get physical ♪

♪ Hold on just a little tighter ♪

♪ Come on, hold on Tell me if you’re ready ♪

♪ Baby, keep on dancing ♪

[faint, echoing opera music playing]

[pipe rumbling, gurgling]

[“La Mamma Morta” by Umberto Giordano playing]

[soprano singing majestically]

[students murmur]


[students screaming]


Let’s go!

They couldn’t even spring for real pigs’ blood.

It’s only paint.

[eerie whooshing]

[high-pitched ringing]

Wednesday! Are you okay?

Eugene is in the woods. He’s in danger.

[students clamoring]

What the hell are you doing?

Texting my dad. He’s on his way.

Have you seen Wednesday? I lost her.

How should I know? She’s your date.

Let’s go.

That was crazy.

Come on. Get it.

Let’s go.

[Enid] You did this?

[sobs] I can’t believe I fell for your crap.

Enid, after Crackstone’s statue…

I thought you were different.

[malicious laughing]

I thought you liked me.

Wolf out!

Wolf out!

[bullies chanting] Wolf out!


Get away from her!

Let’s go!

[melancholy music continues]

[door closes]

[car starts]

Are you okay?

I didn’t even want to go with him.

I wanted to go with you.

So why didn’t you ask me?

‘Cause you blew me off the other night and never told me why.

I was too embarrassed to tell you, but I… accidentally looked in the mirror and kind of stoned myself with my snakes.

[claws rasp]

Whoa. We should, uh…

We should probably take it slow. Right?

Totally agree.

[Eugene panting]

[chilling, suspenseful music playing]

[creature huffing, snarling]

[Wednesday] Eugene!


[creature snarling, growling]


[creature growling]


Wednesday! Over here!


[bestial snarling]


[creature brays]


[Wednesday panting]

[solemn music playing]

Oh my God!

[music builds to climax]

Is he alive?

[music halts]

[jauntily macabre outro music playing]


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