Timeshares: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver | Transcript

John Oliver discusses timeshares, how people get into them, why it’s so difficult to get out, and one exciting new business venture.
Timeshares: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Season 10 Episode 5
Aired on March 19, 2023

Main segment: Timeshares
Other segment: March 2023 United States bank failures.
Guest: Rachel Dratch as John’s fictional wife, a timeshare saleswoman.

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♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

John: Welcome, welcome, welcome to “Last Week Tonight!” I’m John Oliver. Thanks so much for joining us. It’s been a busy week. The ICC put out a warrant for Putin’s arrest, Joe Biden opened up federal lands in Alaska for drilling, despite specifically promising he wouldn’t, and Trump claimed he might get arrested next week. And if you’re wondering how he’s doing, don’t worry, because in this video “he released,” directed toward farmers, it seems like he’s doing great.

I made farmers happy and rich again, and they’re doing a fantastic job, and you know what? Someday, it’ll become time for them to leave this beautiful earth, and they’ll be able to leave their farm without taxes, to their children. I got rid of the death tax on farms so that when you do pass away on the assumption that you love your children, you can leave it to them and they won’t have to pay tax. But if you don’t love your children so much and there are some people that don’t, and maybe deservedly so, it won’t matter because frankly, you don’t have to leave them anything. Thank you very much. Have fun.

John: I mean. He’s still got it! And by it, I mean whatever it is that’s so deeply wrong with his brain. Do you know how much you have to hate your kids to get distracted by that thought in the middle of a political speech? “We should have pulled out troops from the region sooner. Speaking of regretting not pulling out sooner, Don Jr.” And they shot that with two cameras! They cut something out there, and given what they kept in, I’m dying to know what it was. And then to stick the landing with “have fun?” It’s impeccable. It’s all just impeccable. But this week’s been dominated by the continuing fallout of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank. Early Monday, Biden spoke out to try and stem any panic.

President Biden sought to assure the country before markets opened this morning. Americans can have confidence that the banking system is safe. The news is welcome relief for Ben Kaufman, founder and CEO of Kids’ Store Camp. Most of his company’s money was in SVB when the bank went under. Desperate to raise cash, his company slashed prices by 40%. We sent out an email with a discount code. The code was “bank run.”

John: Okay, I see what he’s doing there. But if you weren’t following the news, getting an email with the discount code “bank run” is pretty alarming. “Hey, honey, remember that little shop where we got a birthday present for your niece? They’re offering 70% off with the promo code: last resort the world is on fire. Is everything okay?” Do we need to turn on the news? You’ve probably seen a bunch of explainers this week, so I won’t bore you with every little detail. But broadly speaking, SVB had invested a lot of its customers’ money in long-term treasury bonds. But as the fed sharply raised interest rates, those bonds lost value. And when the bank sold a lot of its securities at a huge loss, its customers panicked, and there was a stampede for the exits. It’s essentially a classic story of a bank doing a lousy job of judging and hedging against risks. Although, if you’re Fox News, there is another explanation.

Silicon Valley Bank is a woke Biden bank. Now, SVB was California’s woke, trendy bank. Here’s my concern, this is a woke bank. Did Silicon Valley Bank get woke and go broke?

John: What are you talking about? That is so stupid I’m almost jealous. Because it must be so nice for them, to be able to automatically blame everything they don’t like or understand on wokeness. “It rained on my birthday because of critical race theory and my son called me a bitch because of socialism, and on top of all that, I was late to work because of a bunch of pronouns. I believe these things mind body soul and it makes my life monumentally easier.” And the full context for the “woke bank” narrative is somehow even dumber than you think. Basically, fox grabbed onto some of svb’s diversity initiatives, and tried to spin those into the reason for the collapse, even though, as one expert in consumer finance pointed out. “It had nothing to do with it,” adding that trying to tie the two together is like saying, “why isn’t blue the answer to 1 plus 1? It’s banking 101. That’s what was going on.” And of course! Hedging against risk is a foundational lesson of banking, along with “buy low, sell high” and “wear a fancy suit and tie so no one can tell you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing.” And to be honest, that one is still pretty handy. And look, we’ll undoubtedly learn more about exactly what happened at svb in the coming weeks. But they weren’t the only financial institution that went down. Signature Bank also went under, after a similar run by depositors. And already, we’re learning more than anyone wanted to know about what was going on inside it. Because what you’re about to see may be one of the least consequential decisions they made, but it was definitely the most embarrassing. Top executives at Signature Bank play themselves in a series of wacky promotional videos. Is there a book, “how to build a bank for dummies?” The over-the-top videos feature bank employees in cringeworthy song and dance numbers. This signature video is also eerily prophetic.

♪ What possible fate will become of our bank other than to diminish and fail? ♪

I happen to know for a fact, that won’t happen.

John: Holy shit! In terms of things that have aged badly, I’d say this falls somewhere between mid-aughts Gwen Stefani, my actual body, and the October 1976 cover of Sesame Street magazine. They didn’t now! I’m assuming they didn’t now! Look, there’s a lot we still have to learn here. Figures like Elizabeth Warren are pointing to the 2018 law that rolled back some of the Dodd-Frank Act, which removed institutions like SVB and signature– basically, all but the biggest banks– from the highest level of scrutiny, like more frequent stress-test requirements. And while some will push back on that, saying the rolled-back rules and regulations couldn’t have prevented this week, and that they already have more than sufficient controls in place, Warren has a pretty solid response to that.

We’ve had a number of those CEO’s on the shows in the last few days, Fifth Third, Schwab, they do their own stress testing. Not-not everyone was behaving in a risk profile, in a risk manner that Silicon Valley Bank was. I’m sorry. I taught school for many, many years. And I did not let my students do their own testing.

John: Right. Clearly banks can’t be trusted to self-regulate. That should be incredibly obvious, like the fact that “the sky is blue” or “Guy Fieri is a generous lover.” Flavortown is a state of mind, and he’ll make sure you get there. And it’s not a great sign that an investigation into whether the fed was derelict in overseeing svb has been entrusted to… The fed. Look, overall, it seems like the people in charge of keeping our economy safe will just keep telling us, “trust us, we can police ourselves, nothing will go wrong.” But if I may quote a former leading man currently looking for work, you know what? This time, I think you might actually be right. And now this.

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Announcer: And now, for St. Patrick’s day, local news did what they always fucking do. Well, top of the morning, welcome to this Irish edition. I’m not doing an accent. Top of the morning to you. Fine Irish day. Top of the morning to you. St. Paddy’s day, top of the morning to you. Top of the morning. You didn’t insult a single person. Top of the morning to you. Can you do an Irish accent? I have no clue. That was not a very good st. Paddy’s day accent. Green helps you become invisible to leprechauns. Too tall to be a leprechaun. He’s got his fisherman sweater on. The lore behind the fisherman sweater. Tell me. When the seamen would go out, they would wear unfortunately, some of them wouldn’t come back, they come back– the ships would sink like that and the bodies would wash up and they’d be able to identify the family by the kind of sweater. I understand that. That’s from what I understand. Top of the morning to you. Top of the morning.

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John: Moving on. With it being spring break season, our main story tonight concerns vacations. A wonderful time to realize you’re in love with someone, or realize that you are absolutely not. And be honest, you knew in the tsa line before the flight. Keep the streaming passwords for as long as you can but do give back his grandmother’s ring. Specifically, we’re going to talk about timeshares. And some of you might be thinking, “wait, are you going to tell me they’re a scam? Because surely everyone knows that.” And it is true that the sketchiness of timeshare vacations has been a punchline on tv for years.

You moron, these aren’t free vacations. These are timesharing deals, they’re total scams.
These timeshare people, they don’t stop until they sell you something. They– they prey on the weak and gullible. I.e. You!
Perhaps you and your yellow friend would like to set up a timeshare plan?
Don’t do it, Sandy! I won’t give in to your timeshare vacation scam!

John: Yeah, suspicions about timeshare programs are so ubiquitous they can get laughs in children’s programming. And look, obviously, Spongebob was never going to say yes to a timeshare. Otherwise they’d have had to change his theme song to this.

♪ Oooooooh ♪
♪ who lives in a pineapple under the sea except for one week a year when he’s in a studio in key west ♪
♪ Spongebob Squarepants ♪

John: Yeah, still good, but it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it? But despite decades of mockery on tv, timeshares are a much bigger business than you may think. They’re actually an $8.1 billion dollar industry, with nearly ten million households owning one or more types of timeshare. And they can be sold by big hotel chains like Hyatt, and Marriott, as well as companies like Wyndham and Westgate Resorts. But one of the things that may’ve obscured their continued growth is that they’re not always called timeshares. In recent years, they’ve been re-branded as “vacation clubs” or “vacation ownership plans.” And while, traditionally, you’d buy a timeshare that consisted of one week every year at, say a condo in Florida, nowadays, companies offer “floating weeks” that can theoretically be used anytime throughout the year– or “timeshare points,” where you buy points that you can redeem in a number of resort properties owned by the same company. But whatever you call timeshares, the people selling them maintain that they’re not just excellent value– they’re actively good for you. Here’s a vice president at Westgate, firing up his sales team, in the weirdest possible way.

Why are we here?

To save lives!

To save lives. Those who take the fewest amount of vacations are most likely to have a heart attack. You’re just like a doctor, a nurse, a fireman, policeman, a lifeguard. They all save lives and you all do it, too.

John: You’re right, timeshare salespeople save lives just like doctors and nurses! That’s why, during the initial outbreak of the pandemic, New Yorkers would loudly cheer for all the timeshare salespeople as they came back from work. We’d do that at 6:00 p.m., and then if we still had some energy left, we’d throw a few claps to hospital workers at 7, for whatever they were doing.
But the fact is, timeshares don’t save lives. In fact, in many cases, they can fuck them up. Because they’re incredibly easy to get into, but– as you’ll see– incredibly hard to get out of.
So tonight, let’s talk about timeshares. And let’s start with the first thing you probably already know about them. That they tend to be sold in-person, aggressively, and while you’re already on vacation, often by suckering people in to agonizingly long sales presentations with the promise of a free gift. There are so many horror stories out there, like the woman whose her parents were subjected to a seven-hour sales pitch that ended with them spending more than $10,000 on a timeshare, or the person who signed an agreement following a 5 hour presentation, because, quote, “I’m a diabetic. After five hours, I just gave in. I needed something to eat.” And I get that. “Listen to a timeshare presentation” is dead last on the list of things I want to do for five hours straight, right after “watching Avatar: The Way of Water,” “telling children that their pet hamster was eaten by their other pet hamster and that neither one ever knew the child in question existed,” and, of course, “hearing other people talk about watching Avatar: The Way of Water.” The problem is, though, once you’re in that room, companies can go to extreme lengths to get you to commit on the spot. Just watch as that Westgate executive encourages his staff to stop at nothing to make a sale.

Our number one person in Orlando owns several weeks of timeshare. You know, you should own at least one week yourselves. And if you don’t, lie and say you do! [Laughter] Don’t let these people leave here without buying something. Something.

John: I don’t know what’s more alarming there. That he knew a camera crew was filming, and still instructed his sales team to lie, or that he willingly wore that shirt. Because what the fuck is that thing? It looks like someone ate a Persian rug and then threw up on him. He looks like the mascot for divorce.
Lying is actually a key strategy for many timeshare salespeople. They will lie about everything, from the ease of making reservations, to the total cost of the timeshare. According to a lawsuit against Wyndham, salespeople even had an acronym, “TAFT,” which stood for “tell them any frigging thing.” And come on! At this point just say “fucking.” It’s one thing to lie, it’s another to do that while talking like a middle schooler who’s in the car with their mom but still trying to sound hard.
But the thing is, lying is basically allowed in this industry. Many timeshare agreements contain a clause that absolves the developer from responsibility for anything sales reps say. It’s often referred to by attorneys as the “salesman’s license to lie clause.” And I get that sales reps bullshit customers constantly. It happens to me every time a Warby parker employee tells me “you look so cool!” But you wouldn’t expect them to be able to lie about something as objective as “how much a thing will cost.” Now, the good news is, depending on where you made your purchase, you can have between 3 and 10 days to rescind your signature. But remember, a lot of people sign up for timeshares on vacation. So that time may expire before they get home, or have a chance to have a lawyer look at the contract. And this’d be less of an issue if people generally loved their timeshares. But a study found that 85% of timeshare owners regret their purchase. Which is a rate of regret on par with “people who bought teacup pigs only to realize that teacup pigs don’t really exist. What do exist are baby pigs that grow into a 90-pound piece of livestock that suffocates your cat.”
And at this point, let’s talk about why people might regret buying a timeshare. And the first major reason, unsurprisingly, is cost. Because the upfront cost for a one-week annual timeshare vacation can average around $24,000. But that’s just the beginning. Because on top of that come other expenses like “maintenance fees,” which typically go up every year, and at high-value resorts, can run from $2500 to $3500 per year. And you’re on the hook for those costs, whether you use your timeshare or not. Which brings us to another major problem, because if what you bought is “points” or a “floating week” plan, you still need to book time at your resort. Which can be unexpectedly hard. Just listen to this man explain his attempts to book a vacation at the Westgate timeshare he bought in Branson, Missouri, six years earlier.

The first year– I call a month in advance, they say, “you’re calling, you’re giving us a very short notice.”

So year two, they called six months in advance.

You are calling too early.

Year three, they called two months in advance, but we’re told they called too late.

Then you can still go, but we have to charge you like any other person.

So far, the Naseers have spent more than $15,000 for a timeshare they’ve never spent a single night in. When the Naseers complained to Westgate, they were told they would have an easier time using their timeshare if they upgraded to a better plan for an additional $15,000.

John: That’s not great. Being asked to pay $15,000 for something you’ve only seen in pictures is not a timeshare. That’s an expensive and remarkably niche OnlyFans account. But Westgate’s response is pretty common across the industry. Once you buy a timeshare, the pitch is, “you really need to upgrade to get the most– or, possibly, anything– out of your purchase.” And these upgrades are a fundamental part of the business model. At one investment conference, Marriott stated that every $30,000 spent on the purchase of a new timeshare should generate an extra $20,000 from upgrades after just five years. So it’s hardly surprising that companies frequently pressure people to pay for upgrades, sometimes with the same aggressive tactics that got them to buy the timeshare in the first place. Customers of Wyndham Resorts have said that whenever they’d go on vacation, they’d be forced into so-called “owner update meetings” where they were then pressured to spend more, like this woman.

The 76-year-old widow is deep in debt, owing more than $175,000 after she claims she was repeatedly tricked and harassed into buying timeshare points. Folds also claims in her lawsuit Wyndham sales reps told her things to convince her to buy more points that ended up not being true.

If I would just sign it, then they could lower the interest rates.

Is that in fact what happened?


She says Wyndham’s salespeople also told her the company would buy back any extra points she didn’t use, and that, too, she later found, wasn’t exactly as it had been explained.

Were you surprised to discover that?

Very surprised. Not only surprised– you may need to bleep this out– I was mad as hell.

John: Wow, she is pissed there. I know “mad as hell” might not sound that extreme to us delinquents on HBO, but coming from a 76-year-old woman in Tennessee, that’s equivalent of a child screaming “motherfucker” through a bullhorn, at an elementary school. It’s that level of intensity.
So between fees and the constant pressure to pay for upgrades, you can see how people might end up regretting their purchase. Even those who initially enjoyed their timeshare might end up wanting to get rid of it. Either because they’re getting older and not wanting to travel as much, or they’re just getting tired of going to the same place. But the problem is, whatever your reason for wanting to leave a timeshare, you’ll soon realize it’s very hard to do that. That’s because many agreements contain a so-called “perpetuity clause.” That means the purchase, as well as all those regular maintenance fees, are a non-cancelable lifetime obligation. Which is ridiculous, a contract for a vacation shouldn’t be harder to get out of than fucking Scientology! Where’s Shelly? I’m sure she’s fine, but where is Shelley?
Now some developers claim to have programs where they’ll take a timeshare back, but there’s a lot of fine print there. Including the fact they’re often only available at the developer’s discretion, and could involve paying a significant fee, which sometimes can be equivalent to two years’ maintenance fees. And if the company won’t take it back, good luck. It can be hard, if not impossible, to sell a timeshare. In fact, the resale site RedWeek shows a number being sold for literally zero dollars. And keep that in mind anytime anyone says a timeshare is an “investment.” Investments are supposed to gain value. A timeshare is as sound an investment as opening a Ghislaine Maxwell-themed restaurant. Ghisly’s! “When you’re here, you’re in danger!”
And all this actually gets one step worse, thanks to something that’s often framed as a selling point for timeshares.

That’s a great feeling to know that our grandchildren when we’re not around–

Yeah, it’s passed on to them.

Um, will be enjoying it. It will be our legacy to them.

Even as we pass on, it’s something that we can continue to give to our children. It’s a gift that will keep on giving, beyond us.

Now that we have two children it’s kind of exciting that we know that our credits will never go to waste. It will still be in our family through our boys.

John: Okay, one of those boys seems happy about that, but the other one does seem pissed, and much more interested in the upside-down construction truck he’s holding. And he’s honestly right. Because if there’s one thing to take away from this episode, it’s that if you have a choice between a timeshare and an upside-down truck, take the truck every time. At least you technically own that.
But given everything you’ve seen so far, you won’t be surprised to hear that many people aren’t super-keen on inheriting a timeshare. And while you can technically decline it, that can be much harder to do than you might think.

Walking away does take work. Namely, you must file a disclaimer of interest with the court saying that you reject the timeshare. You only have nine months after the death of your loved one to file it. And even then, it’s not that simple. You see, when the first person in line rejects the timeshare, it goes to the next in line and then the next and the next. Every single person has to file all of that paperwork.

John: It’s true. Every single person. And timeshare paperwork isn’t clearly what grieving families need. It’s pretty upsetting to think that there might be a market for sympathy cards that say “I’m sorry for your loss, but also, move fast if you don’t want to get stuck with the fees on your dead mom’s Hilton head two-bedroom.”
And all this brings us to what might be the most surprising thing here. Timeshares are so difficult to get rid of, a whole separate industry has now cropped up, known as the timeshare exit industry. You may have seen ads on tv for them, or upbeat segments on local stations like these, for a company called timeshare termination team, where they can get a pretty strong endorsement.

Colorado’s local timeshare termination team has 100% success rate. Joining us, trusted advisors brian and holly wilbur with the first steps you need to take to legally get out of your timeshare. I’ll be honest, I know I said this before too, I didn’t think this was possible, but it actually is!

John: That sounds pretty great! The basic pitch of exit companies is, for an upfront fee, they’ll either resell your timeshare or get you out of your contract. And given how critical they are of the timeshare industry, you might assume they’re the good guys in this story. Unfortunately, they’re very much not, which you probably already suspected after that woman claimed a “100% success rate.” Because that’s is one of those phrases that’s an automatic red flag, like “endorsed by dr. Oz” or “Forbes cover model.” It just immediately raises suspicions. Also, you should know, while that sure looks like the news, crucially, it– and all those shows you just saw– are “sponsored content” programs. We did a story on them a couple years ago, and it’s where local stations will allow you to buy your way into fake segments that look like news, but are in fact, ads. We actually bought our way onto that exact show, on Denver 7, to sell a nazi fuck blanket. And if you missed that story, go back and watch the whole thing because that was one hell of a sentence that’s missing about 21 minutes of context. Anyway, as it turns out, timeshare termination team was even sketchier than our third reich fuck fleece, because not long after that, denver 7’s actual news team had this story to report.

Debi hired the company in June, 2019. In all, she paid more than $14,000.

I signed a contract, a two-year contract that ended this last june. Well, under the terms of the con – if they don’t resolve my issue, I can get a refund.

Two years came and went. That’s when she went looking for answers.

And so, I came to– came to see them, and it’s empty.

The signs are still up on the office in Greenwood Village. But there’s no employees. The furniture is gone.

John: Wow. First, I’m not sure it was totally necessary to force her to go back and knock on the glass of a clearly empty office, but I am very glad that they did. And second, that’s a 19th century snake oil salesman level scam. They just disappeared. One moment they were there, and the next they were suddenly gone with no warning. Like a ghost, or a tv show on HBO Max. Everything’s fine at this company. Everything’s fine.

[Cheers and applause]

And unfortunately, that’s by no means a one-off. As one consumer advocate puts it, “I don’t like generalizations so I’ll say that 99% of them don’t do what they say they will, or worse, are out-and-out scams.” But you know what? I do like generalizations, so I’m happy to say timeshare exit companies are total bullshit. A lot have followed the same basic pattern you just saw, they will charge an upfront fee, and then either stall indefinitely or fully disappear. And they’re taking advantage of people on a massive scale. In Missouri, one group of companies stands accused of deceiving consumers into paying more than $90 million for exit services that were not delivered. And while that case is still pending, all of these other companies have gone under in recent years. And I know these exit companies might seem immediately suspicious to you now. But they have slick marketing, and have also been endorsed by some supposedly financially savvy people. In fact, Dave Ramsey, the popular personal-finance guru– who, to his credit, has been a vocal critic of timeshares– actually gave one exit company a ringing endorsement.

Timeshare exit team will get you out of their timeshare. Now, you’re going to pay them money to do that. That’s what they do. And they charge you upfront and they give you your money-back guarantee if they don’t get you out, but they’ll get you out.

John: Well, that sounds trustworthy! And why wouldn’t you take the word of a man whose look and general vibe who answers the question “what if Billy Joel and dr. Phil had a kid, and it sucked?”
But not long after that, the washington state ag sued timeshare exit team, claiming, among other things, that the majority of its customers either did not receive their promised exit, received one that caused them unanticipated negative financial or other consequences, or received an exit the customer could’ve obtained for themselves. The company eventually shut down, but only after it was forced to pay 2.6 million dollars in restitution, and if you’re thinking any of that gave Dave Ramsey pause for reflection, you should know. It did not. Because after inside edition did a segment covering timeshare exit team’s issues and questioning his endorsement of them, he pushed back like this.

I didn’t know you could buy a story on inside edition. I didn’t– I didn’t think you all were that– I know you were a tabloid, but I didn’t know you were that low. Or are you just so dumb that you didn’t understand you were on the wrong side of this argument on the basis of the consumer? So, this is why timeshare’s not on the air anymore. Timeshare exit team. But guess who’s still on the air? Me. And I’m sitting in a $300 million paid-for building, neck-deep in cash, you jerks.

John: Yeah! That is champion of the working people, Dave Ramsey, bragging about being neck-deep in cash to his own viewers, who got caught up in a scam that he actively promoted. All while having his hands like this, a pose used almost exclusively by cartoon super villains plotting ways to kill Batman.
But the thing is, there is no right side to be on here. Timeshare companies and timeshare exit companies are both terrible. One is a shitty business model that’s somehow technically legal, and the other is oftentimes an out-and-out scam, but neither is good. And it’s very important not to lose sight of the fact that, beneath all of this, are people who can get victimized. And in some cases, twice. And if you watch a lot of stories about these companies, it’s heartbreaking just how often the people in them talk about how ashamed they feel about falling for this.

Nobody in my family knows. Nobody.

It makes you feel bad when you think you’ve done something this stupid.

When we bought the timeshare which took us to the cleaners and it just made me feel stupid. It doesn’t make me feel good.

You know, it’s like– I– I think I’m smarter than that.

John: Yeah, I get that. But to be clear, the shame here should not be on the people who were duped. It should be on the industries that exploited them, told them “any frigging thing” they wanted to, and abused their understandable desire just to take a fucking break!
So, what can we do? Well, on the off chance anyone watching right now is considering a timeshare, don’t do it! If you know someone considering it, send them this segment. If you happen to inherit a time share, get rid of it as fast as possible. And if it’s too late, and you’re stuck with it, you can try and give it away for $0 online, but the truth is, you’ll only be fucking someone else over then. Unfortunately, the best option might actually be to call the timeshare company and see if there’s any chance that they will take it back from you. As for exit companies, as you’ve seen there’s been sporadic legal action against individual companies, but by and large, it’s a whack-a-mole ecosystem. When one goes down, another one tends to pop right up. So the truth is, the best bet right now seems to be to make sure we all warn each other about just how fucked up this whole industry is. Or I suppose, we could go another way with it. And if you can’t beat them, join them. So joining me now for a special sponsored segment that she may or may not have paid $3000 for, please welcome back to the show, my lovely wife, Wanda Jo Oliver!

[Cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

John: Hello there, m’Wanda!

Wanda: Hello there, m’John!

John: Now, Wanda, I understand you have a new timeshare product that you’d like to share?

Wanda: that’s right. I’m here to introduce my new company, timeshare Exit Squared. Yes, the world’s first-ever timeshare exit company exit company.

John: Wow, fascinating! Wanda, what does timeshare exit squared do exactly?

Wanda: Well, let’s say you’re stuck in a timeshare and you go to an exit company to get you out of the contract. But, uh-oh! That company just took all your money and disappeared without doing a dang thing! Well, timeshare exit squared can free you from your timeshare exit company and get all your money back!

John: Wow, that is amazing, Wanda! You are truly saving lives, just like doctors, nurses, and firefighters. You are. You are, Wanda.

Wanda: oh, I’m way better than all them! All those people are scum compared to me! I spit on them.

John: You spit– wow. As you should, m’Wanda.! Now, how exactly does timeshare exit squared work? How does it work?

Wanda: well, it couldn’t be easier, m’John. Simply pay us a quick and easy upfront fee of $20,000, and within 3 to 58 business months… [Laughter]… your timeshare exit company will deposit a full refund to your bank account.

John: Wow. Wanda, is that guaranteed?

Wanda: oh, it’s even better than a guarantee, it’s a pinky swear promise!

John: I like that.

Wanda: that’s why timeshare exit squared has over 9.3 billion happy customers and a 200% satisfaction rate.

John: A 200%?

Wanda: That’s right! For every timeshare exit squared customer, another random person is also left satisfied.

John: Wow, Wanda, that’s incredible. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think this was possible, but it actually is!

Wanda: It sure is, depending on your definition of possible!

John: Sure, sure, that’s fair.

Wanda: And if you run into any problems or delays, just call our hotline at 1-800-flowers or come to the timeshare exit squared offices.

John: And how would someone do that, m’Wanda?

Wanda: Well, all you have to do is drive up next to the timeshare exit squared van and scream your 27-digit case number, and we’ll be happy to help with anything you need until we cross the border into Nogales, Mexico.

John: That sounds very reasonable. But people should act fast, right, m’Wanda?

Wanda: That’s right, m’John! This particular company is only going to exist for the next 3 days.

John: Right, right.

Wanda: Then we’re shutting it down and starting a new one in the Cayman Islands! Have you ever been?

John: I haven’t. I haven’t.

Wanda: well, I could sell you a week a year there for just $50,000. Nobody leaves here without buying something. Something.

John: She’s right. Thank you so much, m’Wanda. That’s our show, thank you so much for watching. We’re off next week. We’ll be back after that! Goodnight! Thank you so much, m’Wanda. That sounds like a fantastic deal!

Wanda: Woo! I’m neck deep in cash, you jerks.

[Cheers and applause]

Adios, amigos!


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