Original air date: May 18, 2021
* * *
JACK: What about right here?
JACK: Right here, right here.
They’re your mom’s favorites.
Best movie ever.
Best movie ever.
RANDALL: Hey, sorry pilot season didn’t work out, Kev.
But, you know, it’s really good to have you back east.
KEVIN: Thanks, man.
SOPHIE: And look on the bright side.
You got home just in time for your wife’s summer break.
RANDALL: I have no idea how you guys did cross-country for four whole months.
Beth got this internship in Boston this summer, and, you know, just the thought of us being apart is killing us.
Yeah, well, I haven’t even decided if I’m gonna take it.
You guys are being dramatic. Boston isn’t even that far away.
I mean, Sophie and I were on different coasts for months.
It was, like, super easy.
[scoffs] I mean, I don’t know if it was that easy.
At least, not for me.
I’m just glad that you’re home for good.
Okay, everyone, we’re leaving for the cabin in 20 minutes.
I want to get up there before dark.
I can’t believe I’m going to the cabin with a bunch of couples.
You’re not going with just couples. You’ll have me.
Oh, “Her mother said, before Kate smothered herself to death with a throw pillow.”
Stop. You’ll have me, too.
You’re going to love the cabin.
It’s mad romantic.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I’m sure.
You know I dig it when you wear your L.L.Bean.
BETH: I got to admit, I am very into lumberjack Randall.
It’s fisherman Randall.
Kevin got everybody fly-fishing gear for the bachelor party.
What else you guys have on the agenda this weekend, hmm?
Gonna order up some strippers to the cabin?
Put the “Oh” back in Poconos?
Nicky and Kevin are sober.
Toby isn’t exactly rowdy.
And Miguel’s idea of fun is a crossword and a strong herbal tea.
So we’ll probably be putting the “ay” in Earl Grey.
Are you sure you want to go out there early for Madison’s bachelorette?
With everything you’ve been going through with the studio?
I’m actually looking forward to it.
You know? Spend a couple days in the sun with our girls.
And then your date will meet you for the wedding.
Oh, well, tell my date that I have this newly-discovered thing for fishermen.
He should dress accordingly.
Leave the boots on.
Babe, I don’t know. Is this, is this cool or lame?
I just want everything to be perfect for Madison tomorrow.
TOBY: Yeah, no, it all looks great.
Madison’s lucky to have you.
Aw. Well, thank you.
The kids and I are lucky to have you.
Babe, listen, why don’t you take this weekend to recharge?
Hang out with the guys and get far, far away from the Moana soundtrack.
You deserve it.
I will. [Sighs]
Don’t forget your slippers.
You know your toes get like ten little icicles.
Maybe I shouldn’t go.
Honey, we’ve been over this a thousand times.
I’ll be fine.
We’ve barely been out of each other’s sight for a year.
Yeah, and it will be refreshing to not have you watching over me like a hawk for a few days.
Sorry. No, I-I didn’t mean that.
I’m fine. My meds are working.
My PET scans show no further deterioration.
I know, and it’s amazing.
It is. Yeah.
I will be fine.
Okay. You’re right.
But let me ask you something.
Is it cool?
For the bachelor party?
It’s very cool.
You look like Ponch.
Officer Francis Poncherello,
Erik Estrada’s character from CHiPS.
[tongue clicks] Still got it.
Hey, hey, kid, uh, you got room…
In your bag for my new jigsaw puzzle?
No. No, I don’t.
Uh, you’re not gonna want to bring a-a jigsaw puzzle to my bachelor party.
KEVIN: Am I having the lamest bachelor party ever?
Uh, let’s just say I’m not worried about the cops coming.
Right. What about you? You excited for your shindig?
You mean our babies spending the day with the nanny while your family comes to hang out?
It’s so embarrassing none of my friends could fly out early.
Well, no, look, I mean, they’re all babied up, right?
They’re all on the East Coast.
Besides, the Pearsons believe in quality over quantity.
[Franny crying over monitor]
Uh, Franny’s up. I have about two minutes to rock her back to sleep before she wakes up Nick.
I’m sorry… I didn’t… I didn’t think you were gonna pick up, ’cause I changed my number and I figured you wouldn’t take an unknown call.
Well, what can I say, I’m a naturally curious person.
Right, um, anyway, what I was going to say in my voice mail is that I, I saw your magazine cover, about your engagement and your twins, and, um… I don’t know, it just felt weird not to call and say congratulations.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much.
Yeah, so… congratulations.
I… I mean, your… your fiancée is beautiful, and, um, you have not one but two babies.
[chuckles]: It’s… it’s all just really amazing, Kevin.
I’m-I’m really happy for you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Uh, so why’d you change your number?
Oh, that’s a long story.
They both took explosive poops.
It’s an all-hands-on-deck situation.
Okay, I’m coming.
It’s fine, it’s fine.
You can just call me back.
Or you don’t… Don’t call me back.
You don’t-don’t… That’s weird, you don’t have to do that and…
No, no, of course, yeah.
No, I’ll call you back, um…
You know, and we’ll-we’ll finish catching up.
Yeah, okay. Bye.
Hey, Kev, don’t fill up on those.
I’m making mushroom risotto for dinner.
I saw it on The Today Show.
Al Roker went crazy for the stuff.
RANDALL: So I was thinking, uh, if we meet up every weekend, like, halfway, like, maybe in Connecticut, it’ll only a four-hour drive for each of us, so…
Randall, are you still talking about that?
Long distance is no big deal. You guys are gonna be fine.
Will you stop saying that?
That it’s no big deal.
Being away from you was really hard for me.
I missed you. [Laughs softly]
I missed you, too. I’m just trying to be positive.
Be positive about what? We’re done with the whole long-distance thing.
Yeah, for now.
My manager said if I’m gonna take acting serious, I got to be in L.A. pretty regularly.
So, what, you’re just gonna like, constantly be in L.A. while I’m in New York?
How is this marriage gonna work?
I don’t know, Soph. It just will.
Great answer. So glad that you thought that through.
You are such a jackass.
There they are! The bachelor party crew.
How was the private jet?
Uh, well, Toby passed out, so, Miguel, of course, spent the whole time searching for Wi-Fi so he could get a hold of Mom and Uncle Nicky took down an impressive amount of melon balls.
Sounds about right.
You ready to get your fish on?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Forecast says rain, but I don’t think the big man upstairs is gonna let that happen to my bro on his big weekend.
Ah. Hope not.
You did it, man.
You remember last Thanksgiving?
You said you wanted to be married with kids by the time you were 40.
Well, you’re doing it.
It’s out of order, but, you know, still.
NICKY: Randall! You’ve…
You’ve got to try this plane melon.
It’s… I ate ’em on the plane.
Oh, it looks, uh, interesting.
NICKY: Oh, wow.
Let’s get inside. Come on.
[Randall clears throat]
Kate, I told you I just wanted a chill girl’s day, and this is already feeling very Eyes Wide Shut.
Okay, okay, one sec. All right, all right.
[singsongy]: You can take it off.
ALL: Happy bachelorette!
Oh, guys, thank you.
This is beautiful.
Well, only the best for my future sister-in-law.
Thank you for coming early.
Where are the girls?
Oh, they’re back at the hotel watching.
To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, Part 9.
Besides, I heard that this was a strictly 21 and over event, you know, which I am here for.
Wait. Why is this a strictly 21 and over event? Hmm?
KATE: Uh, well…
Oh. Who could that be?
No. We talked about this.
Listen, okay, just relax, okay?
I’m not gonna do anything that’s gonna land us in, like, family therapy.
[whispering]: Just take us right to the cusp.
Hi. Come in.
Uh, oh, wait. Just to make sure… you’re…
Vaxxed and waxed for your pleasure.
Well, come on in.
If I was a betting woman, I’d say our girl Madison has a little history with the stripper.
He’s not a stripper. He’s a model, right?
And he’s from a place called Picasso and Prosecco.
So he’s gonna make us drinks and then takes off his clothes off, and then we get to paint him.
I’m sorry. How do you two know each other?
Really good to see you, and, um, congratulations.
So, uh, where should we set up?
And did you want to paint me in boxer briefs or full nude?
This is why you should always bring a puzzle.
I-I got to go check on Rebecca.
She hasn’t texted back in a while.
Miguel, she’s with Kate and Beth.
I’m sure she’s fine.
You guys decide on a movie yet?
Hey, Kev, what about Jerry Maguire?
You used to love this one.
YOUNG KEVIN: Jerry Maguire?
I love this movie, man.
I saw it with Dad when it first came out.
Uh, shouldn’t you go check on Sophie?
She should for sure just blow off some steam.
Yeah. Yeah, I could go for a little Cameron Crowe right now.
Let’s do it.
I’ll get some snacks.
Can I help you?
I work in your office. I was on a junket.
JERRY: I began writing what they call a “mission statement.”
Not a memo, a mission statement.
A night like this doesn’t come along very often.
I seized it.
Suddenly, I was my father’s son again.
I was remembering the simple pleasures of this job.
Neural pathways are set, and that’s why it’s hard for people to change.
That’s why behavior doesn’t change very often.
We live in a cynical world. A cynical world.
And we work in a business of tough competitors.
Wow, Mr. Pearson was ridiculously handsome.
Even with the mustache.
[laughing]: Yep, he was.
Hey, congratulations, by the way, on the internship in Boston.
It sounds very exciting.
Yeah, I’m-I’m still pretty 50-50 on it.
I know it’s none of my business, but I think you and Randall are strong enough to handle being apart for a few months.
If this is something you’re passionate about doing.
I’m actually not worried about me and Randall.
It’s this amazing urban planning firm.
They focus on creating these public spaces for underserved communities.
That sounds like a special thing to be a part of.
Yeah, it would be, um, but it’s also really intense.
Like, they give their interns their own projects to work on and manage and… I just… I’m just not sure how much more failure I can take, you know?
Did Randall tell you that I used to dance?
Did he tell you that I used to sing?
Hmm. He did.
So I know the feeling of having a dream cut off at the knees.
But you… are too young and too smart and too strong to not find new dreams and go for them.
And I suspect when you do, you will blow everyone away.
I can’t get the right color for his nipples.
Hmm. Why don’t you try a little orange?
Madison, is this too weird?
‘Cause I can send him home. Like, I have plenty of other activities that we can do.
No, it’s fine. Honestly, I decided the best revenge against a guy that ghosted me is painting him naked days before I marry one of People’s Most Beautiful.
You’re damn right it is.
What-what does “ghosted” mean?
It’s when you go out with someone, and then they end things by not returning your calls or your texts.
Just disappearing, like a ghost.
You are horrible, Joe.
KATE: Well, at least you never have to deal with that crap again.
MADISON: Here’s to never dating again.
KATE: And to Kevin knowing a great thing when he saw it.
I mean, sure. Kind of.
Hmm? What do you mean?
I mean, you know, he didn’t exactly jump at the chance to be with me.
It took an accidental pregnancy.
KATE: Come on. He would have figured it out without that.
But I certainly wasn’t reeling him in with the cute, bantery texts I sent after we slept together.
Wait. So, was Kevin being a ghost to you?
Not totally. I mean, he’d always answer me.
He was totally polite.
It’s fine, you guys, really.
The night we got together was super weird.
I mean, I understand why he wasn’t in the mindset to, like, you know, ask me on a date.
Well, you know, I believe everything happens for a reason.
Thank God for Kevin’s powerful sperm making him see the light.
That’s my brother, but cheers?
Slight turn for me, Joe?
DICKY FOX: I failed as much as I’ve succeeded, but I love my wife, I love my life, and I wish you my kind of success.
Oh, man, still holds up.
I can’t believe they never gave Cuba and Regina a sequel, though.
I would have watched the hell out of that.
Kev, what’d you think?
Everything you remembered it to be?
I think you’re right. Still holds up.
Dude, I remember when you first watched this movie.
You nearly blew a hole through the roof you were so excited. [Groans]
You must relate to this movie like crazy.
It’s practically the story of your life.
What are you…? What’s that…? What do you mean?
Well, you know, I mean, guy falls for the kid, or in your case, the idea of kids, more than he falls for the actual girl, you know?
But he sticks by her just because he’s trying to do the right thing.
You even look like him.
I mean, you sound like him, you act like him. It’s…
Jerry Maguire! You’re like Jerry Maguire 2.0.
Mm. Yeah, look, U-Uncle Nicky, I’m not marrying Madison because I got her pregnant.
I’m… I’m marrying her because I’m-I’m crazy about her.
Oh. Well, I’m…
Good news. Rebecca’s fine.
She’s just painting a naked man with the rest of the wives.
To be honest, I failed as much as I’ve succeeded, but I love my wife, I love my life, and I wish you my kind of success.
I forgot how amazing that movie is.
Did you guys like it?
Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Regina King kind of remind me of a certain couple I know.
[laughs] Yeah, I saw that.
I-I mean, what about Jerry?
I mean, like, his whole character, you know? I mean, Jerry Maguire is the kind of guy who decides what he wants, and he goes for it.
I’ll be back soon.
Your brother had, like, a spiritual experience watching Jerry Maguire.
I’ve never seen that look in his eyes.
I’ve always liked Renée Zellweger.
When I first saw her, I said, “You know, that’s-that’s a woman that’s going places. She’s extremely talented, uh, she has a-a beautiful mouth.”
Miguel, that is an extremely weird thing to say, man.
Tobias? What’s your review?
Of the movie?
I liked it.
Hey, are you okay, man?
You’ve been really quiet tonight.
Why would you say that to me?
That I’m only marrying Madison just because I want to do the right thing? Why would you say that?
Are we still on this? I-I was just running my mouth.
I w… Just forget I said it.
No, I don’t want to forget it.
I don’t want to forget it because it’s rude, man.
It’s rude, and it’s mean.
And, look, I-I know you’ve been cooped up i-in a trailer by yourself for the past 40 years, and you have apparently forgotten how to talk to people, but that doesn’t give you the right to come into a room and just act like a jackass.
Why don’t you take a breath?
Yeah. I’ll take a breath.
KATE: Okay, who’s ready for the next activity?
I got Kev to play The Newlywed Game.
Hey, will you ladies wait for me?
This sangria’s going right through me.
MADISON: What did you do?
KATE: Well, we’ll have to wait to find out.
MADISON: This is crazy.
KATE: It’s gonna be so great.
MADISON: Aah, I’m so nervous.
What’s going on?
I reached out to a job recruiter just to figure out my next steps, and she got back to me with a couple listings from some very traditional dance conservatories.
That’s a good thing, isn’t it?
It’s just these dance academies took something I love and made it joyless.
It’s a broken system, Rebecca.
I just… I don’t want to be a part of it.
You do know you’re the most impressive person I know?
Right? No, no, I mean it. I’m serious.
The mom you are.
The career woman you are.
The wife you are to a man who is kind of a full-time job in his own right.
So I say if these traditional dance academies are broken, go change them.
Go in there and do what you always do.
[whispers]: Blow us all away.
Okay. Let’s do this.
KATE: All right.
Listen, full disclosure. [chuckles]
I gave Nicky the questions, and he recorded this, so I have no idea what to expect.
[Rebecca and Madison chuckle]
NICKY: Where are the damn questions?
Hello, ladies. I hope you’re enjoying.
Uncle Nicky’s lovely, charming commentary.
Here we go.
NICKY: [groans] All right.
Uh, first question.
What is Madison’s idea of a perfect Sunday morning?
Okay, so, you’re gonna answer, and then we’ll see if he gets it right.
Okay. Um, well,
I kind of can’t stop daydreaming about when I’ll be able to sleep in again.
I think Kevin will say that my perfect Sunday morning is sleeping till noon and then hanging with him and the twins in bed.
All right. Good answer.
KATE: All right.
BETH: Come on, Kev. [Whoops]
Uh… Well, let’s see.
Um, she’s been sort of fantasizing a lot lately about sleeping in.
So I would say sleep till afternoon, um, and then cappuccino, and we invite the kids in, and we just sort of hang out and cuddle in bed for the next couple hours with Thing One and Thing Two.
KATE: All right!
He knows your drink.
NICKY: Now, that’s the lamest thing I ever heard. Um…
Just ask the next…
Okay. Uh, describe Madison’s dream for your future together once you’re empty nesters.
Oof. Okay. That’s a hard one.
It feels so far away.
I hope we’ll travel a lot.
And go out for long, romantic dinners where we sit and talk until they kick us out.
Like those older couples you see who still haven’t run out of things to say to each other.
Really, I just hope that things will slow down and we can sort of discover the world all over again. Together.
Sorry. That was a lot.
KATE: So romantic.
That was so beautiful.
It was the perfect answer.
KATE: So sweet.
Let’s see what our Romeo says.
Dream of a future together once we’re empty nesters.
It’s a trick question.
NICKY: What do you mean?
KEVIN: Well, Madison knows that I refuse to grow old, so the question is moot.
Oh, my God.
[laughs]: I know Kevin wants to stay 40 forever.
I should’ve guessed that.
MADISON: Okay. Next question.
SOPHIE: There you are.
Good, you’re back.
I wrote my mission statement.
Like in Jerry Maguire.
His was about the future of sports agencies.
Mine is about my future with you.
[laughing]: Oh, my God.
“Sophie, as you know, I have big dreams of becoming a famous actor. I love you, Soph. And I can see our whole lives together. In a couple years, we’ll have another wedding. A fancy one with guests and cake and everything. And then a couple years later, we’ll have kids. And we’ll be the kind of parents that are disgustingly in love with each other. Like my parents were. And one day, we’ll be that embarrassing couple that dances to the piano in an Italian restaurant when nobody else is dancing. That’s my ultimate dream, Sophie. You and me to the very end.”
MADISON: Earth to Kate. You got to hit play so I can hear the next question.
Yes. Yes, yes.
[Beth and Madison chuckle]
Uh, here we go.
Rain’s letting up. Nicky found some dry firewood.
He’s got a nice fire going on outside.
Think it’s some kind of caveman-esque peace offering.
My old Jerry Maguire mission statement.
Remember that? So embarrassing.
No, man. It’s romantic.
[Randall chuckles softly]
Sophie reached out to me, and, um… I don’t know. She said she saw the article about me and Madison getting married, and she wanted to call and congratulate me, so… I mean, how does anyone ever really know who they’re supposed to marry?
You know what, man?
Come with me.
Yeah? All right.
fellas. Our boy here’s got a classic case of cold feet.
I think he needs a good talking-to.
KEVIN: No, I’m fine.
RANDALL: You are not fine, sir. You are a mess.
As for the rest of you, you’re not on top of your game, either.
Okay, Miguel, you have been obsessing over our mother since you got here.
Tobias, you are missing that usual je ne sais quoi that makes you so appealing.
Well, you’re always odd, so…
So, what’s up? Who wants to go first?
Come on. Real talk.
[clears throat] This is the lamest bachelor party I’ve ever been to, and I’ve never even been to one.
Nicky, shut it. Please.
I’m, like, the world’s greatest rom-com fan.
Okay? Like, th… Like, there’s there’s literally never been a-a Hollywood ending that I have not loved.
And usually, I hate it, I hate it when people try to poke holes i-in the romantic ending.
But after watching that movie, I could only think one thing.
They’re just… They’re never gonna make it.
Nothing has changed.
All he did was deliver an incredible line to some divorce support group. All right?
Jerry is gonna work too hard.
Dorothy’s gonna resent him for that.
And that little kid is gonna get the short end of the stick ’cause they’ll never stop fighting, and soon he’s gonna be mad and sad instead of adorable and precocious.
And I could just see their whole little family in-in-in this boat, and the boat is just-just filled with holes.
I’m s… I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I’m in a weird place.
I really, really need a new job.
I need it financially, and I need it for my sanity.
And I haven’t had a nibble.
Except for this one opportunity in San Francisco, which is clearly a nonstarter for anybody with two kids under two, so…
RANDALL: Tobias, you’re gonna be okay.
Your boat’s gonna weather the storm.
I promise you.
just-just put me in a bad mood.
You know, like all romantic comedies do.
I mean, and romantic dramas and romantic dramedies.
Yeah, you know, anything that… where there’s romance involved…
Yeah, we get it, Nicky.
I just… I-I just can’t relate to them.
I just… I had one relationship 50 years ago.
And I blew it.
I blew it. I mean, there’s no second chances.
There’s no happy endings.
I… I lost the girl.
And, uh… And I think… I think that’s why I said all that stuff to you.
I was just pissed off about my own crappy love life.
Well, maybe you were onto something.
You know? I mean…
Would Madison and I have ended up together if life hadn’t thrown us together in some weird way?
I… I don’t know.
[owl hooting in distance]
MIGUEL: When your mother and I started seeing each other, I remember thinking a lot about that expression “written in the stars.”
I’d always loved that expression.
The idea that the universe had big plans for two strangers before they’ve even crossed paths.
I remember thinking that’s how it was for your mom and dad.
Written in the stars.
I knew it wasn’t like that for me and her.
It was strange, the way we came together.
I knew that.
And I was filled with doubt on our wedding day.
For many days after.
But then the years went by.
And I realized: It’s okay.
That, yes, there are some love stories that are written in the stars.
There are other love stories…
They’re written together.
Two people the universe had no plans for writing their story in the stars together.
That’s pretty fantastic, too.
I think Jerry and Dorothy made it, Kevin.
I really do.
This is the strangest bachelor party in history.
Oh, it’s borderline awful.
Can the non-sober people have, like, a beer?
Yeah, please. Please do.
Thank you, man.
I said yes to meeting on those jobs.
Oh, Beths. That’s great.
Thank you for earlier.
What you said, you know?
I just… I really needed to hear it.
Oh, please. You’re welcome.
Hey, honestly, I should be thanking you.
For opening up to me about what you’ve been going through.
Y-You sharing with me like that made me feel normal, not like [inhales] [sighs] not like some patient that everyone has to tip-toe around.
What are you talking about?
Miguel is an angel.
But I feel him worrying about me all the time, and it can be oppressive.
Kevin and Kate don’t ask me to help out with their kids.
And even Randall went on this road trip to New Orleans to find out about his birth mother, and he’s barely even mentioned a word of it to me, and… I don’t know, maybe he thinks that I can’t handle it?
But today… today, you made me feel like me again.
Like a mom.
And a girlfriend.
Well, I’m not gonna stop coming to you for pep talks anytime soon, so…
Same as I have all these years.
Okay. Thank you.
If you want to find out about Randall’s trip to New Orleans, just ask him.
[car door opens]
Kate, that red velvet cake was insane.
You outdid yourself.
Madison, I need to ask you something.
And it’s something I should have asked you a long time ago.
And I should have asked you because you’re my best friend.
But Kevin is my brother and so it makes it delicate.
But I need you just to tell me, you know, best friend to best friend…
Are you happy?
Is Kevin what you were looking for?
Like, is he everything that you deserve?
I didn’t know what to expect out of him, honestly.
All that fame.
All those abs.
[chuckles] The face.
But that movie star brother of yours has stepped up in ways I never could have imagined.
I love him, Kate.
I really do.
And, Kate girlfriends do not come easy for me, as you can probably tell by my guest list today.
Nothing will ever get in the way of that.
You got that right.
I just wanted to see how your day was.
It was great, actually.
I had a lot of fun.
And I just got home, safe and sound.
Good. That’s good.
Um… Look, uh… I’m sorry that I drive you crazy with all my worry.
It’s just, um… It’s, uh… It’s hard, living in this limbo.
Not knowing how much time we have left.
It’s hard for me, too.
Rebecca. Hey. Uh… I haven’t been able to get a hold of you at home, and I was starting to get a little worried.
Thought I’d try you up there.
Oh. I’m sorry.
I should have mentioned that I was bringing the kids here for the weekend.
No, don’t be silly.
You having fun?
It is strange being here with them this time around.
And seeing Kevin and Randall in relationships.
They both seem so [exhales]
Today, for the first time in a long time, I thought…
Maybe there’s still some version of love out there for me, too. [Chuckles softly]
Well if that’s something that you’re open to, Rebecca, it will definitely find you.
I mean, of-of course it will.
Uh, you are…
How’s the sky look there?
Can really see the stars tonight.
What are you up to?
No reason. I just…
Good night, Nicky.
WOMAN: Leave a message.
Hi, this is Toby Damon calling.
Um, I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I would actually love to be considered for the San Francisco position.
So if you could give me a call back, that’d be great.
[quietly]: I’m good.
NICKY: That’s the lamest thing I ever heard.
KEVIN: Just ask the next question.
NICKY: Okay. Uh describe Madison’s dream for your future together once you’re empty nesters.
Dream of a future together once we’re empty nesters.
Dream of a future together once we’re empty nesters.
It’s a trick question.
What do you mean?
Well, Madison knows that I refuse to grow old, so question is moot.