The Gentlemen – S01E03 – Where’s My Weed At? | Transcript

Jimmy gets distracted on the job. As supply chain issues delay deliveries, the Horniman brothers take a risky ride to placate a dissatisfied customer.

Jimmy gets distracted on the job. As supply chain issues delay deliveries, the Horniman brothers take a risky ride to placate a dissatisfied customer.

* * *

[lively orchestral music plays]

[Jimmy] The cultivation process of a marijuana plant takes a minimum of three months, depending on the strain.

[lively orchestral music continues]

[Jimmy] And once it’s dried and cured, I pack it up… ship it out to our distributors.

But first,

I need to perform a ceremonial sampling of the product.

This is to ensure optimum customer satisfaction.

Better get rolling, then.

[lively orchestral music continues]

[Freddy] Safe deliveries, Jimmy.


[dance music plays on radio]

[easy listening music plays on radio]

[funk music plays on radio]

[dance music plays on radio]

[rock and roll music plays on radio]

[music stops]

[van door slams]

♪ My love runs… ♪

Good morning. What can I get you?

Hi. Yeah.

Can I get a egg and bacon pancake stack, please?

Some cheesy rings.

Can I get a banana milkshake with that?

Coming right up.

Ah, so sorry, can I get some of that special sauce to go with it, please?

[server] The special sauce is on the table. You just help yourself.

Ah, okay.

[woman] Can’t have cheesy rings without special sauce.


Some people say it’s just ketchup and mayo.

They don’t know what they’re talking about.

That’s just a thousand islands dressing, innit?

Exactly. They’re forgetting the secret ingredient.

I thought it was lemon juice, but now I’m not so sure.

I was always working on the assumption that it was horseradish.



Don’t tell me you’re about to put that on your egg and bacon pancake stack.

Ah, I know it sounds so wrong. But I promise you, it tastes so right.

I thought I was the only one.

What? You’re kidding?

I just had a whole plateful now. I’m about to finish off my cheesy rings.

Ah, you see,

I eat my cheesy rings first, ’cause, you know, you gotta eat them while they’re hot.

Nah, I prefer them close to room temperature.


You know what?

I’mma put one aside, let it cool down.

See if you’re right.

I’m Gabrielle, by the way.


Ooh! Oh my God. I’m so sorry.

It’s okay. It was an accident.

Let me get you another drink.

It’s cool.

Don’t worry about that.

No, honestly, I want to.

It’s the least I can do.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Vanilla milkshake?

Oh, it was banana, actually.

That’s my fave flavor too.

Wha… [chuckles]

[whimsical music plays]

Uh, can I get a banana milkshake?

[whimsical music continues]

[phone chimes]

[Jimmy] This way, you can get hold of me.

I mean, if you ever wanna spill anyone’s milkshake again.

Thanks, Jimmy.

It was nice meeting you.

[whimsical music continues]

[music fades]

[Jimmy] Oh shit!

♪ Oh shit ♪

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ Oh shit ♪

♪ Oh shit ♪

♪ Oh shit ♪

♪ Oh shit ♪

♪ Oh, little Sally Walker Sittin’ in a saucer ♪

♪ Oh, how I tossed that ass up ♪

♪ Like a mission in the woods Woody Woodpecker would ♪

♪ If he could But I didn’t wanna pass it up ♪

♪ To the next man, had my Walkman… ♪

[Jack] Oi!

Want a fight?

[laughs] I’m fucking with you, mate. Joking.

Unless you want one?

You army boys love a ruck, don’t ya?

I’m looking for your sister.

Business or pleasure?

Strictly business.

Better be.

[laughs] Just fucking with ya.

Watch yourself. She’s got the right hump. You might be better off in here.

[Susie] You can’t find Jimmy?

Knock on his door, bang on his window, rattle his fucking letterbox.

Might’ve got so stoned he forgot what day of the week it was.

Don’t worry about the Albanians. I’ve got ’em under manners.

Steady Eddie. Yeah, he’s here with me now.

You focus on finding Jimmy, all right?

Call me when you get there.

Morning, Susie.

[Susie sighs]

Jimmy’s not answering his phone.

So we’re currently in the midst of exploring a number of scenarios.

I’m afraid I couldn’t find him either. Neither could any of my staff and, despite spending an inordinate amount of time together, neither could Freddy.

Our investigation’s already moved away from your estate.

Right. Well, then, why am I here?

Well, as you might imagine, the customer expecting the shipment was somewhat disappointed.

Where’s my weed at?

Presumably you explained there was some unforeseen delay there?

We’ve been doing business with Toni Blair for years, but he’s not exactly nuanced.

Where’s my weed at?

Unforeseen delay.

Hold on. Tony Blair?

[Susie] He’s a Kosovan-Albanian.

Tony Blair was like a savior to those guys back in the day.

It’s a very popular name.

He’s a bit of a mug.


[Susie] But he’s good for money.

Where’s my weed at?

Can’t you just give his money back?

You never give back money once it’s been handed over.

And the reason for that being?

It’s just something you don’t do.

Well, you’ll just have to tell him to be patient, then.

It might be a little late this month.

Yeah, but you’ve forgotten how this works. Where’s my weed at?

[Susie] You try, but life’s too short.

Given that it would be deeply problematic if people started to think your supply chain couldn’t be relied upon, you decide to throw him a bone.

See if there’s something you can do to make up for the inconvenience.

[Toni Blair] You see that whip? It’s hotter than a jalfrezi.

Part of a sideline I’ve been setting up as an auto trader.

Import-export. I take in orders from all over.

We pick up the vehicle and deliver it to the client.

Bang! Good price. Cash in hand. Gezuar.

The other day, we ran into something, ended up getting our wings clipped.


Which has severely restricted our operational effectiveness.


So, because his product’s been delayed, you’ve promised to steal a car for him?

Not just any car. This is a very particular vehicle.

Lamborghini Huracan.


[Toni Blair] I know where it’s gonna be.

I know when it’s gonna be there.

All I need is a bit of help with collection and delivery.

And you agreed to that why?

I don’t expect you to appreciate the nuances of the symbiotic ecosystem that allows our business to flourish, but, yes, I did.


[Eddie] So presumably this is an issue you and your team will sort?

My team are currently focusing their attentions on problem A, figuring out what’s happened to the weed.

That leaves problem B. The stealing of the car.

Which is, admittedly, less pressing and, frankly, beneath me.

Nonetheless, still needs tackling with a degree of… finesse.

And given the terms of our agreement,

I thought you might be interested in stepping up.

Why me? Why not one of your delightful associates?

[Susie] The request comes from my father.

His motivation remains enigmatic.


Well, if I were to do this… it would be a significant departure from the content and spirit of our agreement.

Thus, um, I’d be looking for something in return.

You’d have to be more specific.

Well, you talked about increased profitability.

Why don’t we choose a number so we can use it as a floor?

Hmm. You want a number.

All right. I can give you a number.


We also discussed you leaving my estate by the end of the year, but it wasn’t made clear whether that was a financial year or a calendar year.

Perhaps we should just name a date.

I’ll have to check my diary.

But sure.

Then let’s sort your little problem, shall we?

Toni Blair said he’d meet us at the garage.

Well, let’s rearrange my afternoon, then.

Don’t know what Dad sees in him.

Just ’cause he’s a soldier. Don’t mean nothing in the real world.

No, but he killed someone and didn’t spin out into an existential crisis.

Most people would wake up in a cold sweat. The duke slept like a baby.

And how do you know that?

Speaking metaphorically.

Look, truth is, there are 24 dukes in this country.

This seems to be the only one who can navigate both the upper echelons of high society and shoot someone in the head without worrying.

So does that make him useful?

In the very specific and unique world in which we operate, it does.

[Toni Blair] Truth is, you’re looking at a very tight window.

This vehicle’s only gonna be in London a couple of days before it gets moved on.

The place is run by a lady called Mercy.

She’s made a name for herself in the world of high-end, super-modified luxury vehicles.

Some of it legal. Some of it not.

That’s the beauty of it. She’s a secondhand car dealer, so her crew isn’t tasty or anything like that.

But at the same time, she don’t want the police looking into her business.

Well, what’s so special about this car, then?

They want a Lamborghini Huracan Evo with a tint gloss, green finish, and they’re willing to pay good money.

That’s what we get ’em.

The key to the Lambo is kept in Mercy’s boudoir along with all the other keys.

That’s the challenging bit. The rest is cream cheese.

Once you’ve got the key,

hold it next to this thing.

[imitates buzzing]

You zap it for 30 seconds, and then… you’re ready to fuck.

[laughs] O bo bo!

It’s a two-stage attack, innit. Stage one, nick the key when no-one’s looking.

Stage two, come back for a little bit of Grand Theft Auto.

Remind me why I’m doing this and you’re not.

We’ve gotta be tucked up in bed by six.

GPS send tings, man. Come on, fam. [laughs]

How are you gonna clone the key with all these people about?

I need to create a distraction.

Thank you. Thank you, bro. Seriously, this is…

I… I… I will not let you down, okay?

Because I know that I’ve been a little bit of a burden recently.

No, no, no, don’t say anything. I have been, okay?

Which is why it means so much to me that you are giving me this opportunity to pay you back.

And I will not fuck it up.

I will do what you say.


I will do anything. Literally… anything.

[Eddie] Freddy.

[Eddie] Freddy.


All you need to do is pretend that you wanna buy a car.

That’s it. It’s just buying a car. That’s all it is. It’s genius.

W-What’s the thing behind the thing here, Edwina?

Freddy, you don’t say anything.

I’ll be acting as your representative.


[Eddie] I’ll say we want to test drive a vehicle.

The rest is up to you, Wham Tam.

[dogs barking]

[ominous orchestral music plays]

[Geoff] Jimmy.


[operatic music plays]

[music fades]

[Eddie] No performance, Freddy. I just need a picture.

[Freddy] Yeah, I get it. No performance, just a picture. I get it. Right. I’m good.

Mabuhay! Welcome!

Is there anything I can help you with?

[Eddie] Yes, uh, I operate a bespoke concierge service for high-net-worth individuals such as my client.

We’re looking for a, uh, luxury vehicle. Something that’ll stand out from the pack.

And my client’s willing to pay in cash for something really special.

Then why don’t you go to the showrooms in Park Lane?

They have plenty of special cars you can buy down there.

They also have plenty of questions.

My client values discretion. Do you understand?

[Freddy in Russian accent] No. None of this is going to work for me.

When we spoke, Gary,

I told you I wanted something fast, something powerful, but also smooth and lightweight like Siberian tiger.

Anatoli Givenchy Romanov. This is my wife, Anastasia.

My criteria is very specific, okay?

When I put the key in the starter engine, I want to hear it roar.

But you understand that there’s a premium attached to these kind of cars.

[Freddy] So here is thing, little leopard lady.

Fuck money.

Well, then, you’ve come to the right place.

Every one of these vehicles is unique.

I don’t know if personal security is a priority for you, but all of them can be refitted with body armor.

Listen, in my life, funny little lady, if you are not safe, you are dead.

What about that one?

[in Russian accent] Ah, da. This is a McLaren 650S four-liter V8.

Zero to 60 in three seconds.

No, I don’t know. This one to me is a little… puf puf.

No, I prefer something sexier.

What about the Lamborghini?

That car is not for sale, unfortunately.

Whoa, whoa, you don’t play tickle fuck with me, lady, okay?

You give me keys, I drive car. I am serious man.

That car is owned by someone else. The McLaren is a serious car.

You should drive it. You’d like it, trust me.

You wait.

What’s with the voice?

Keep it up, and I’ll kill you.

It’s fine. The little leopard lady, she love me.

Your wife needs to drive the fucking car.

Don’t fuck this up, Freddy.

Go with the orange.


Fuck it, we go with the orange. I love orange.

What the fuck. Let’s do it.

[engine roars]

[lively orchestral music plays]

Just keep them occupied.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, my friend. I am modern man.

I drive.

She drive.

[lively orchestral music continues]

[Freddy] Mm-mm.

The clutch takes getting used to, so go easy on it, okay?

Da, da, da.

[engine roars]

[Freddy] Whoo!

[lively orchestral music continues]

[tires screech]

[Freddy roars]

Any scratches or dents, you pay.

You underestimate my wife.

[lively orchestral music continues]

[music stops]

[tense orchestral music plays]


[tires screech]


[engine roars]

[tense orchestral music continues]


[tires screech]

[in English accent] Holy shit!

[in Russian accent] That… that one there, that was close. I… I give you that.

[tires screech]

[tense orchestral music plays]

Jesus! Fuck.

[tense orchestral music continues]

[Eddie] Come on, come on!

[tense orchestral music continues]

[music fades]


Can I help you?

I thought you’d like to start drawing up the contract.

[Mercy] The Russian doll is not insured, she’s driving like she’s done three grams of chop chop, and your clients haven’t agreed on a price yet.

My apologies. Let me go and talk to them.

[Freddy] Okay. So, uh, what do you think, my baby boo-boo?

You, uh… You like?

The car is good.

I just don’t like the color.

[Freddy] Oh.

[Mercy] Hmm.

Maybe you should think about it.

Very carefully.

You wouldn’t want to make a mistake.

We’ll be in touch, thank you.

Come on, Gary.

[eerie music plays]

[Jimmy gasps] Huh? Huh?

[owl hoots]

[Jimmy] Wha… Wha…

[Jimmy gasps]

[Geoff] Oh, you’re up.

[eerie music continues]


[Geoff] Sit down.

Drink that.

[eerie music continues]

[orchestral music plays]

[Jimmy coughs]

Thanks for taking me in, Geoff.

[Geoff] I’m not here to lecture ya.

We’ve gotta shake the old snow globe once in a while, don’t we?

But the important thing is, you’ve gotta learn from the experience.

Do you understand what I’m saying?

I… I think so. [shivers]


You all right, Jimmy?

That’s a surprisingly difficult question to answer right now, to be honest.

How you doing?

I’m just proper sorry about the current situation.

[Susie] Well, if you’re sorry, that’s all right, then.

Except, now, hang on a minute…

Where the fuck have you been?

It’s a bit of a long story, actually.

Yeah? Let’s go straight to the end, then. Where the fuck is my weed?

Probably best if I start from the beginning.

[upbeat music plays]

I was driving down the road, but then I got the munchies, innit.

So I pulled over to get some provisions at my usual spot, Patty’s.

And then it happened.

[Susie] What happened, Jimmy?

[Jimmy] To be honest, my life’s not been the same since.

It was like a whatchamacallit?

One of those ‘piphany things.

An apparition.

Well, most people call it a girl, innit.

But me, I call it an angel.

It’s just, she didn’t have no wings.

[chuckles] Well, none I could see, anyway.

And then, just like that, she reached out and snatched it.

[Susie] What did she snatch, Jimmy?

[Jimmy] It was… it was either my heart or my soul.

Or even both.

It’s been like a kaleidoscope of dominoes on the tumble.

Then my day went from mad to bad.

First the van full of business, it went poof.

Gone! Evaporated like… like steam from a kettle.

A rabbit out of a hat in reverse.

Then my phone ran out of juice.

Then I couldn’t get no pees.

So I stuck my thumb out, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Magic number 42.

Then the universe started throwing mad mud at me.

Pedi priests.

Not touching my acorn.

That’s not my kind of thing.

Go play with your own quail’s egg in your bushy crow’s nest.

Fuck off, noncey cunts.

Then Jimmy Chang hit the jackpot.

At least, that’s what I thought.

God, for the second time in a day, extends his righteous hand.

A van full of headbangers. Pocket full of shrooms.

So I have a smoke and a toke, we break bread, feel the love, and then I find myself in the dance.

Music’s thumping, heart’s pumping, energy’s jumping, but I can’t shake the vision of the angel out of my nut.

I’m telling you, she’s in the picture for a reason.

So I have a cup of tea to pull myself together.

That’s when the shrooms kick in. [shudders]

After that, it felt like I fell off a cliff.

To be honest, it’s like… It’s all a bit of a haze.

Like a purple haze.

Next thing you know, I’m face down in Adam’s clay, getting a poke from behind by Mr. Geoff and his stick of judgement.

Tell me about the girl.

Oh, Gabrielle.

Oh, she’s like a dream come true.

We had this weird connection.

She was a bit indescribable, to be honest.

And the keys to the van were on the table when you sat down?

Yeah. I’m sure it was.

And they weren’t there afterwards?

Wait. Y-You don’t think…

Nah, sh-she wouldn’t do that to me. We were proper vibing.

How the hell are we gonna find her?

Find her? Oh no, you don’t need to worry about that.

I gave her my number, innit.

So when she calls me, I-I’ll just ask her about the keys.

Oh my God.

I mean, I’ve just got this feeling.

Like… you just know sometimes.

You know?

Go back to the service station. Talk to the staff.


Sorry, boss. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?


Find a way to make those plants grow faster.

‘Cause we’ve got a big hole in our production line now.

And if that weed doesn’t turn up, you’re wearing it.

Wait here.


[sighs] The state of him. He can barely keep his eyes open.

[sighs] So, Eddie, you want to place a further burden upon my shoulders.

Well, I’m sorry if it’s an inconvenience for you, but when we discussed me collecting a vehicle for you, I wasn’t expecting to encounter severed human body parts.

What human body parts?


Single or plural?


Thumb or index?



[Eddie] It may be the smallest finger on the human hand, but the fact that it’s been hacked off suggests a significant escalation in terms of the people we’re dealing with.

Oh, Eddie.

You’re not getting a case of the collywobbles?

No. I’m merely making you aware of the situation.

Running it up the chain of command, as it were.

As it were.

Now, I’m not suggesting you’ve been lied to, but it’s safe to say the information you’ve been given was incomplete.

But now you have a lead on your weed,

I was wondering if there was a scenario where I don’t have to steal a car for you.

We have a name.

That’s more than likely a fake name.

And the only description we have is from a witness who’s dosed up to the gills on psilocybin.

But more importantly, my dad’s asked.

He’s got his reasons. He will reciprocate.

So, yes, I still need you to steal the car.

[Sabrina] Geoff.

Might I have a quick word, please?

Yes, Your Grace. Everything okay?

Well, I was… rather hoping you might tell me.

An associate of the duke’s got lost in the woods. I was dropping him off.


How lucky we are to have you watching over us.

It’s a pleasure and a privilege to be of service.

[Sabrina] It is a great comfort knowing that we have your continued discretion with all the… goings-on around the house.

You can be in no doubt of the steadfastness of my loyalty towards you and your family.

It is absolute.

Geoff, you would tell me if you ever thought that Eddie were ever going to get in any real trouble?

I’ll keep my ear to the ground.

[suspenseful orchestral music plays]

[Freddy] Stealth mode, huh?

That’s awesome.

[suspenseful orchestral music continues]

[music fades]

Uh, were you expecting anyone to be inside?

[Eddie] Not exactly, no.



Then I think I’m gonna stick around for a bit.

In case there’s any problems.

No, Freddy. You go straight home.

Sure. Yeah.


I’ll go straight home.

Only I think you need to tread a bit fucking carefully with these people.

I’ll be all right, Fredward.

Look, um…

Can I ask you a question, please?


Why the fuck are we doing any of this?

We could do what dad did. Five million a year for absolutely nothing.

It’s a pretty good payday.

It’s not about the money.

It’s about removing ourselves from a criminal organization.

It’s about taking back control.

Control. So just so I’ve got this clear in my mind.

In order to stop ourselves being associated with criminals, we are going to become… criminals.

We’re not criminals, Freddy.

[Freddy scoffs]


[Eddie] I’ll see you at home.

Good luck.

[suspenseful music plays]

[beeping, gate unlocks]

[car alarm wails]

Fuck are you doing?

[suspenseful music continues]

Cool. Commando roll.

[man] Hello.

I tell you anything you want to know, but please, don’t hurt me again.

[car alarm wailing]

[alarm stops]

[tense music plays]

That’s not good.

[man] Very, very sorry, but I won’t do it again.

[tense music continues]

[man] No more fingers, please.

Please, you must get me out of here.

[Eddie] For fuck’s sake.

[man] Please!

Please don’t leave me!

[Eddie] Sh!

[tense music plays]

Oh, that’s really not good.

[tense music continues]

[line ringing]

[cell phone buzzes]

[man] Thank you. Thank you. I owe you my life.

[Eddie] It’s fine. Just shut up.

[cell phone continues buzzing]

Yeah, what?

Edward, you need to get the fuck out of there now, okay? Abort.

The eagle has landed. The fox is in the henhouse…

I told you to go fucking home!

[tense music continues]

[Eddie] Listen to me. Get out of here.

I’m not going fucking anywhere.

[man] Please take me home.

[Eddie] Hold on.

[“Baddest MF” plays]



[“Baddest MF” continues playing]

Come on, you vintage cunt!

[“Baddest MF” continues playing]

[Eddie laughs]

[car splutters]

[Freddy groans]

[“Baddest MF” continues playing]

[Freddy inhales deeply]

[Freddy pretends to yawn]

Oh. Oh, hello.

[“Baddest MF” continues playing]

[man] Is it safe now?

Best keep your head down for a little longer.

[music stops]

Freddy, call me back. I wanna make sure you got out of there okay.

[man] Could you please untie me now?

Moly te. Moly te!

[Eddie] You all right?

Come here, come here.


You all right?

Oh, man, you saved my life.

Look what she did to me.


[Eddie] Jesus.

[man] I used to play the piano.

I’m fucked up. I’m incomplete.


What did you do to her?

You don’t know?

No, of course I bloody don’t.

What the fuck have you done?

You… you must take back.

Ne, ne, ne, ne.

You must take back.

Ne, ne, ne.

Take what back?

Open up. Open up the trunk. I show you.

All right, fine. Fine.

[suspenseful operatic music plays]

[Susie] I take it things didn’t go exactly as planned, then.

That would be an understatement.

Want a wet wipe?

Maybe freshen yourself up while you tell me what happened.

Well, turns out Toni Blair wasn’t exactly honest about why he wanted that car.

[Susie] How so?

[man] One hundred and fifty kilos of super premium uncut cocaine.

In the whole car.

Must be worth three mil, at least.

Three and a half, apparently.

Well, maybe Toni Blair didn’t know it was there.

He knew! He set the whole thing up.

He sent me in, like he sent you in.

Hang on. Who’s this?

The guy with the missing finger.

Ah. Where’d you find the rest of him?

In the warehouse, tied to a chair.

[Susie] When you’re on a job, you never answer a cry for help.

It’s a fucking cliché. That’s the worm that covers the hook.

What are you? First mouse that gets the cheese?

[Eddie] This is not my day job, Susie.

So he’s saying Toni Blair knew about the gear.

He knew the fucking car was full of coke, and he knew what would happen.

You should walk away, man. That’s what I’m gonna do.

Chop chop people. Bad people. Nasty people. Drown…

[Eddie] Wait, wait!

[brakes screech]

Not anymore, he’s not.

Ugh. That’s why we don’t get involved in the chop game.

Let me give you a hand.

It’s easier to move, and the numbers are bigger, but it attracts all sorts of flotsam and jetsam.

To be clear, the only reason we’re in the chop game is because you asked me to steal this fucking car.

I’m aware of the circumstances that have led to our predicament, Edward.

I’m interested in exploring how we can extract ourselves from it.

I take it you’ve still got the gear.

Yeah, it’s in the boot of the car, parked outside.

Well, I know plenty of people who’d take the gear off us, but they’d ask questions.

So what do we do? We dump the gear, put the car in the sink, forget it ever happened?

First, we find out who the gear belongs to.

[cell phone buzzes]


[Mercy] Oh, hello.

Freddy can’t come to the phone right now. You wanna know why?

Because he’s preparing for his punishment.

Bring me the cocaine.

Change of plan.

[dramatic operatic music plays]

I’ve done some ringing around. Turns out this Mercy lady’s got some serious Colombian muscularity behind her.

I’d rather stay out of that lane, so this is gonna require some very delicate handling.

However, I think if we give her what she wants, there’s no reason this can’t be handled amicably.

It’s gonna be all right, soldier.

[Freddy whimpers]

[tense operatic music plays]

You’d better have my rice.

He says he’s your brother.

Is this true, or is this more bullshit like the stupid voice he made?

He’s my brother.

Now you have your product, you can let him go.


You stole from me.

There have to be consequences.

They didn’t know what they were stealing.

And you are?

I’m Susie Glass.

[Mercy] Compliments to the chef. Certain lanes for certain horses.

Certain slips for certain dogs. You know how this works.

You can’t just return what you stole.

We have people, organizations, competition.

They need to know, cause and effect. I mean, someone’s got to pay.

We understand. That’s why we brought a peace offering.

[Mercy laughs]

[Mercy sighs]

[Eddie] As you can tell, we’ve been misled.

Now you put him in the chair instead of my brother.

I believe in, uh, biblical punishment. Hmm?

Eddie. For the love of fuck, get…


[Freddy] Agh, Jesus Christ.

Eye for an eye.

[Freddy gasps]

If someone tries to steal from you, it’s enough to take off a finger.

You don’t need to take a finger. You don’t need to take anything else because, technically, I didn’t try to steal anything.

Isn’t that right?

You’re right, Freddy.

If someone actually steals from you… Hmm? [tuts]

I mean, the message needs to be loud and clear. Yeah?

[muffled yelling]

Freddy, we’re done here. Come on.

Stay the fuck there!

All right.

All right.

I-It’s not enough for justice to be done.

Justice needs to be seen to be done.

As a warning for those who might suffer the temptations in the future.

[muffled shouting from Toni Blair]

If that’s directed at me, I promise you I’m not gonna be tempted in future.

I promise you that.

[Toni Blair yells]

Okay, you keep your eyes open, and you’ll learn a valuable lesson.

[Toni Blair yells]

Oh, hello.

Let’s hear what he has to say, yeah?

[tense music plays]


[Mercy] Yes?

Fuck you.

You cocksucking bitch!


[Mercy screaming]

[dramatic operatic music plays]

[inaudible speech]

[Mercy screams]

[dramatic operatic music continues]

Thank you for your attention.

[dramatic operatic music continues]

[Freddy vomits]

It’s a job like any other.

Sometimes you have your good days… and you have your not-so-good days.

Yeah, sometimes you win, sometimes you watch someone get hacked to death with a machete.

The important thing is that you showed the right attitude.

What does that prove?

[Freddy] Fucking hell.

It proves you’ve got the stomach for it.

[Freddy retches]

Which is more than can be said for your brother.

Okay, I’m done.

Can we go home now, please, Ed?

[sniffs] Whoa.

[sniffs] Mm.

[cell phone buzzes]


[cell phone continues buzzing]

[Gabrielle] All right, Jimmy?

[whimsical music plays]

I had a feeling you was gonna call.

I mean, I had a bit of negative energy around me.

That was due to a few other people.

Deep down inside, it felt inevitable.

I was feeling bad about spilling your milkshake.

Nah, you don’t need to worry about that. You… you got me a new one anyway.

Did you get where you were going all right?

[Jimmy] Ah, yeah, that.

It’s a bit of a long, weird, drawn-out story, to be honest.

Well, maybe we should meet up sometime. You can tell me all about it.


Yeah, I would like that. I would like that very much.

Maybe we should go to a similar kind of food establishment and try the dinner menus.

It’s a date.


All right. Brilliant.

I’ll see you soon, then.

You actually like him, don’t you?

Course not. Don’t be silly.

[whimsical music continues]

He’s agreed to meet her for dinner tomorrow night.

He’s either Rudolph Valentino or a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

Shall we light this up?

[whimsical music continues]

[Jimmy] I realized I haven’t been taking things as seriously as I should.

I need to make changes. Drastic ones.

So I’ve decided I’m only gonna smoke weed in the evenings.

Not first thing when I wake up in the morning.

Not when I’m eating lunch. Or after lunch. Or when I’ve had something to eat…

We are still a mil and a half down on the weed though.

Ah yeah. I realized that too.

And I’ll endeavor to repay that debt.

I mean, right now, I’m working on this new hybrid weed strain, and the THC on that bad boy…

[imitates explosion]

You’d better get back to work, then.

Yes, boss.

[Freddy] Pull!


Hello, darling.


Well, I must say, he’s coping with it rather well.

Hmm. Thank you.

I’d rather expected him to fall to pieces when confronted with a near-death experience.

So he told you, then.

I tried to keep him out of it.

But you very nearly didn’t.

You were supposed to be getting rid of these people, not joining them.

[in Russian accent] Eduardo! You come play little bit of bang-bang.

I will get rid of them, Mother.

[Freddy] Bang-bang!

[Sabrina] See you later.

[Eddie] All right.

What are we playing? Straight down-the-line, or automatic ball trap?

[Geoff] Sporting doubles, Your Grace.

Ms. Tamasina has nine out of ten, and Master Frederick is yet to score.

Oh, Freddy.

Well, I’ve been taking a shot every time we miss.

I’m pretty fucking… At this point, I’m wasted.

[Eddie] You all right, Freddy?

Yeah, I’m good. I’m just, uh…

I’m still a bit wobbly after that business with Madam Chop Chop.

You did well, Fredward.

Very well.

[operatic music plays]

[Geoff] Call pull when you’re ready, sir.

[Eddie] Thank you.


[orchestral music plays]


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!