Original release date: June 23, 2023
Approximately five years before The Bear is set to open, Carmy returns from Copenhagen to spend Christmas with his family and friends. Michael and Carmy warn Natalie not to ask their mother Donna, a volatile alcoholic, if “she is okay.” Donna drunkenly prepares a meal based on the Feast of the Seven Fishes. Pete arrives with another seafood dish, which is thrown out because an “eighth” fish could ostensibly be bad luck. Richie asks Cicero for a job, which Cicero later grants him. Carmy’s cousin Michelle encourages him to stay with her in New York to pursue his career, noticing how the family’s dysfunction weighs on him. As they await dinner, the group debates the ambiguous origins of the Seven Fishes tradition. Lee, Donna’s on-and-off boyfriend Lee; whom Michael resents, offers his interpretation, but an intoxicated Michael repeatedly throws forks at him. Natalie, disregarding the earlier admonition, asks an upset Donna “if she is okay,” to which Donna responds with an emotional outburst — and leaves. Michael throws another fork at Lee when he scorns Donna’s behavior and a fight nearly occurs, only to be interrupted when Donna crashes her car into the dining room.
* * *
(“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams playing)
(door opens)
(indistinct arguing)
DONNA: Come on, guys, stop!
(door closes)
MIKEY: Hey.
Hi.
MIKEY: You okay, buddy?
Yeah.
MIKEY: Yeah?
SUGAR: Hmm.
Yeah.
(sighs)
I love you, bear.
I love you, too, bear.
Maybe just, like,
like, don’t do it to yourself?
(sighs) It’s not like I’m trying to.
But, you know, when you do that, it just kinda, like…
does it to all of us?
Michael.
Natalie.
Just don’t ask her.
It’s not like I wanna ask her.
I know, I know, but it’s that thing, you know.
You ask somebody if they’re okay,
they immediately start thinking they’re not acting okay…
and that immediately makes them start not acting okay.
No one can make anyone else act a certain way.
(Mikey laughs)
Okay.
Remember last year?
MIKEY: Hmm.
And the year before?
Yeah.
So I’m not fucking crazy.
Nobody thinks you’re crazy. Nobody’s saying that.
Well, she is.
Yeah, she’s fuckin’ out of her mind.
And here I am, just fucking in the middle
because you’re you and Carmy’s Carmy.
MIKEY: Okay, so then, just, you know, let us handle it.
You won’t handle it.
MIKEY: No, we won’t. Exactly.
That’s my point.
With her, not handling it,
it’s the best way to handle it.
I mean, where do you think she’s at right now?
What, like at a four? A five?
She’s not at a six, right?
Hmm. No.
I’ve heard you ask her three times tonight if she’s alright.
You don’t have to ask her every ten minutes if she’s okay.
That’s not gonna help anything.
Do you know how much I would love
to feel like I didn’t have to ask her?
I bet you would love that very, very much.
Yes, a lot.
Yeah. Yeah.
I would love it a lot.
I’m sure.
(indistinct chatter)
Hey, you guys call me?
No, I just said you’re you.
Hey, hey, Mikey, can you come inside and be you real quick?
I don’t know how to deal with these people.
Yeah, I’ll be right there.
(indistinct arguing)
(clears throat) Let me see.
Thanks.
(Fak yelling indistinctly)
Yo.
Is this some family shit I should know about?
SUGAR: No, it is not.
Give us a second, alright, cousin?
RICHIE: Alright.
Happy you’re home, bear.
Would it kill you to pick up the phone?
Carm.
I’m happy you’re home.
Okay?
I’m not gonna ask if she’s okay.
That’s good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Carm, will you handle Mom?
Yeah. I’ll handle her.
SUGAR: Mikey, them?
I’m gonna handle ’em.
Our Mother of Victory.
Pray for us.
(“All Alone on Christmas” by Darlene Love playing)
Carol, What would you like me to do with this?
Bend over and I’ll show ya.
Well, it’s fuckin’ burning me.
Hey, new person, take this.
It’s Steven, you met me a million times.
Come on, Lee, you met him a million times.
Lee, I’m not touching it.
LEE: Jimmy!
Tell, tell Carol to stop shouting at me.
Bro, why are you yelling?
You ever been burned with a fuckin’ Dutch oven?
Here, Sugar, take this.
Fuck, I don’t wanna take this.
Oh, you’re so tough, I’ll lay you out.
Hey, are you gonna lay me out?
Is that, like, what you’re gonna do?
Enough. Way to handle them, Mikey.
♪ I get a little lonely every year around this time ♪
♪ The music plays all night in Little Italy ♪
♪ The lights will be going up on old Rockafella’s tree ♪
♪ People window shoppin’ on Fifth Avenue ♪
♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪
♪ I’ve gotta know ♪
♪ Where do lonely hearts go? ♪
(vocalizing)
♪ Nobody ought to be ♪
♪ All alone on Christmas ♪
♪ Things are different since you’ve been here last ♪
♪ Childhood dreaming is a thing of the past ♪
I believe that I have the greatest
financial opportunity that you’ve ever heard.
TED: Baseball cards are back.
I’m telling you, money. We’re making cash…
FAK: We got a whole box.
All we need is $500 to buy a box.
My eBay is lit up. Notifications. Alerts.
(overlapping chatter)
Can I stop you one second?
TED: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
FAK: Yes.
How many fucking Faks are there?
Well, there’s Kenny and Sammy and Susan,
and then Frank, Francie,
and then there’s Doug.
TED: A good amount of us.
Gary.
A lot. Okay. Back to the pitch.
Listen, no, back to the pitch. We got, we got, we got,
we got Ken Griffey.
FAK: There’s Lenny Dykstra.
TED: We got, you know, Jay Buhner.
We got Vance Law.
Oh, my God.
TED: Yeah.
Tell me you got Mickey fuckin’ Morandini.
Of course! Of course we do.
They’re all in the box!
(overlapping chatter)
But we need, we need $500.
You’ve got Morandini?
FAK: $500.
Yeah!
TED: We’ve got Morandini.
We need $500.
TED: Copy and paste.
To turn into $1,500
within a couple months.
TED: Couple months.
Time out.
TED: Yeah, yeah.
Hold this so I can slap ya.
Stupidest fuckin’ idea I ever heard.
Merry Christmas.
Do you think he’s in?
Do you think he’s in?
Was that a business slap?
BOTH: Yeah.
♪ Merry Christmas ♪
♪ I don’t want to fight tonight ♪
(ringing)
Ma.
DONNA: Carmen.
I’m spilling shit everywhere.
And I’m behind on the lobster.
Carmen, I have a question.
Is cousin Michelle’s friend Steven, is he gay?
CARMY: Is who gay? Ma. Ma, Ma, Ma.
Why are you doing the seven fishes thing?
Nobody ever eats this shit.
DONNA: No, no, no.
Steven, is he gay? I mean, he seems kinda gay.
You know, he’s arty and…
I mean, I love him and everything,
but he’s gay, I think.
And it’s tradition.
It’s tradition that he’s gay?
DONNA: No. The seven fishes.
What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing this
since 4:00 this morning for?
Okay. Ma, hey, how can I help?
DONNA: Uh, you can fix the forks.
Um, I just need some olives for the drinks.
I’m not gonna touch nothing.
Oh, my God. What smells so good?
Oh, my God.
DONNA: That’d be me.
CICERO: Is it you?
Check.
Come here.
Oh, it is you.
(chuckles)
Hey. Hey.
How are you?
What’s for dessert?
No, no, no, no.
You brought the cake.
Get the fuck out.
(mumbles)
MAN: Hey, there.
DONNA: Yeah.
Hey, Carmen.
CARMY: Yeah.
DONNA: Stop giving me shit about it.
CARMY: What? What?
I’m just trying to do a nice thing, honey.
Justjust stop, like, fucking with it.
Alright. alright. Forget it. Yeah.
DONNA: Just do it.
Mrs. B, are our skateboards in here?
DONNA: No!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Faks, out, out, out.
TED: What’s up, Carm?
Michael said that our skateboards were in here.
How you doing, Ma?
Out, out.
This is a delicate operation.
Big Neil got us skateboards.
You make me hot. You make me very hot.
Do you think that we can sleepover
There’s no sleepovers at Christmas. What the fuck?
FAK: No, we can sleepover.
No, you can’t sleepover on Christmas.
No. Mmmmm.
FAK: No? No.
Big Neil got us skateboards.
You know what? Shut up.
Michael!
Michael hid ’em.
Hey, Michael. Get in here. Mike?
FAK: Mike.
The Faks are asking me stupid things
Ma, are you good?
CARMY: Yeah, yeah, we’re good.
Ma, you
CARMY: Hey, hey, hey.
Can you, uh, can you grab some paper towels
from the garage, Sug?
(overlapping chatter)
Yo, Mike, what’s up?
(chatter continues)
FAK: How you doing?
TED: What’s up, Mike?
Yo, what’s up, Mike?
You’re like a grown man,
why are you looking for a fuckin’ skateboard?
I got a little side hustle.
MIKEY: Do me a favor.
Go get some ice from the garage.
On it.
DONNA: Okay. What was I doing?
Okay.
DONNA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where’s the cake?
Where’s the cake?
It’s defrosting, Ma, it’s fine.
MIKEY: Ma, why don’t you let him help you?
Okay. Okay.
MIKEY: It’s all he fucking does.
He’d be great.
What was that?
What was that? Like a, that was a shot or…
Mikey, he is helping me. Back off.
Is that a shot?
CARMY: What? Yeah.
I’m the guy that does food.
You’re the guy that what? Youyou, uh…
You start 100 different businesses
and have zero followthrough.
DONNA: Carmen, I need you to check the branzino.
Wow.
I feel like that was a shot, Carm.
Okay, this is why, this is why I didn’t wanna come home.
This is why.
Fuck you.
What the fuck? What?
Why the fuck would you say that?
It’s fuckin’ Christmas. Why would you say you didn’t wanna come back?
Whatever, okay? Whatever.
MIKEY: Whatever. Okay.
(ringing)
We’re very happy you’re home, Carm.
DONNA: Yes, we are.
We’re all very fucking proud of you.
We all really fuckin’ love you.
I’m not a fuckin’ baby.
Then stop being a fuckin’ pussy and say the words.
Stop being a pussy. Just say the fuckin’ words.
DONNA: Say the words.
Carmen, come on.
Just say the words.
DONNA: Just say it.
I love you.
DONNA: (grunts) Ohh!
MIKEY: Thank you. Thank you.
DONNA: Thank you.
Thank you.
DONNA: Okay.
So happy the bear’s home.
DONNA: Yes, I’m happy. Come here. I am happy.
Hi. Yeah. Okay.
DONNA: Happy, happy.
CARMY: Thank you.
You know, it’s nice he’s back.
We get him only once a year.
CARMY: Mom.
DONNA: He’s too fancy for us.
Okay, Carmen, I need you to pay attention.
CARMY: Yeah, yeah.
Alright? No, come here.
CARMY: What?
So when that timer goes off…
Uhhuh.
…I need you to remember
to put the Rockefellers in,
um, andand take out the artichokes,
which leaves an open oven.
Stop doing something and just listen.
CARMY: Okay. Alright, I hear you, I hear you.
What was I saying?
CARMY: What? What?
We were saying we gotta free up one of the slots
in the oven, right? Yes. Okay.
DONNA: Right, oven slot.
So then, we take the artichokes out.
So then I need you to put the branzino on the top
and let it broil and just get that
nice little crispy bit on top.
Uhhuh.
And then I need to remember to set this timer back
to two minutes to drop the lobsters back in.
And then when that goes off,
I need you to take the branzino out.
Andand don’t forget to stir the gravy.
Oh, my God.
Why? What do we got gravy for?
Because nobody gets this shit.
That was unpleasant. I threw up all over my sweater.
Is it okay I borrowed your robe?
DONNA: Oh, of course. You know what?
I’m sorry.
DONNA: It looks so pretty on you. You should keep it.
Oh, you’re so sweet.
No, no, no. Seriously.
Hi, Carm. hi, hi.
CARMY: Hi, Tiff.
Hi. How are you?
How you doing? You okay?
I mean, I’m puking everywhere.
But I’m alright. I’m pregnant. Do you know this?
CARMY: Yeah, yeah. Congratulations. I know.
We’re having a baby. Thank you.
She is not alright.
Why?
TIFF: What? I mean…
She is throwing up.
Get her some Brioschi. I mean… You know what?
Hey, Ri, Ri.
Get your fucking ass in here.
RICHIE: What?
DONNA: Get Tiff some Brioschi right now.
Oh, my God. What’s going on?
That’s it, that’s it, I got it.
TIFF: How was Ireland?
Uh, Copenhagen.
TIFF: Oh, sorry. Where is Copenhagen?
Yeah. Sorry, sorry.
CARMY: Huh?
TIFF: Where’s Copenhagen?
RICHIE: Aunt Deedee,
why are you screaming at me like a maniac?
Why are you screaming at me like a maniac?
DONNA: Stop tickling me!
RICHIE: Wh… (laughs)
DONNA: Stop it right now!
RICHIE: Why are you screaming like a maniac?
I’m right here.
You know. You know I’m really ticklish.
RICHIE: Alright, alright.
Stop.
CARMY: Watch out. Watch out.
Richie. Jesus Christ.
She’s okay. She’s fine.
TIFF: How do you know I’m okay?
RICHIE: She’s alright.
She’s a little nauseous.
Be a gentleman
and take care of her.
She’s a little bit nauseous.
Actually
What the hell do you have on your sleeve?
Don’t worry about it.
Jesus, this is your nice sweater. I got it for you.
Actually, nausea’s good for a baby ’cause it lets you know that they’re healthy.
He read one book. Yeah.
DONNA: Okay, you know what.
Do you wanna go lay down upstairs in my bed?
That would be nice.
Oh, thanks, D.
Of course.
D, you got a little green on you.
That’s sweet of you.
Oh, okay. Thank you. You know what? Go lay down.
RICHIE: You want a Sprite or something?
You go up, I’m gonna get you a Sprite.
Alright.
You want anything else, babe?
I don’t know.
DONNA: You good, bear?
CARMY: Yeah, yeah. I’m good, I’m good.
I asked you not to do this.
I didn’t do anything.
Yeah.
What?
You look a little green.
Do you want a Sprite?
Thank you, I feel
Oh, yeah, that would be nice. Thank you.
SUGAR: Yeah.
How do you feel?
SUGAR: Not great.
II feel terrible.
SUGAR: Okay, feel better.
Here, paper towels.
Thank you, thanks, Sug.
RICHIE: Yo, Auntie D.
DONNA: What?
RICHIE: Uh, are we outta Sprite?
DONNA: We don’t have Sprite.
RICHIE: We don’t have Sprite?
CARMY: Ma! Ma!
Cousin… I got it. I got it. I got it.
DONNA: Well, no, no, no, no, no. You can’t go to the store.
You’re gonna go to the store now?
My timers are going off.
Mom, I know.
Carmen. I need you.
CARMY: I know, I know.
No, no, I’m gonna make it.
I’m gonna make it. It’s fine.
DONNA: Oh, you’re gonna make it.
CARMY: Yeah.
RICHIE: You’re gonna make Sprite?
CARMY: Yeah, I’m gonna make fuckin’ Sprite, yeah.
Are you a fuckin’ pop machine?
Yeah, I’m a fuckin’ pop machine.
Hey, Ma, are you sure you’re good?
Listen, I know you keep thinking like you wanna try to help.
Do you wanna just make the whole dinner?
SUGAR: I want to help you.
How do you know how to make a Sprite?
Just stop. Okay? Just stop.
RICHIE: How the fuck do you know how to make Sprite?
You know how he knows how to make Sprite?
Because he’s a bigtime chef.
Oh. Got it, got it.
That’s how.
That’s how I know.
Somehow, I forgot.
Nattie, I appreciate you. Thank you for asking.
SUGAR: Okay.
DONNA: Thank you.
RICHIE: Yo, Auntie D.
DONNA: What?
Why the seven fishes?
DONNA: Oh, my God.
What is up with everyone today?
I’m just trying to make a nice fuckin’ thing.
I just mean why the fuck do people even do it?
Because it’s based on people who left Italy
to find new dreams and homes with new people.
And they brought their seven best things
from their sea to their new homes,
and not so their families end up
being a bunch of fuckin’ jagoffs.
That’s not even close.
What’s not even close?
Why do you come in here talking shit?
I’m not talking shit. I’m just saying,
her seven fishes legend is not even close.
There are sevens all over the Bible.
You get Sacraments, virtues, days, guilt, probably.
You know, making people feel like shit,
holding everything in and then letting it out inappropriately,
raging, pouting, screaming, making scenes.
You know, all the Italian classics.
Yo, you’re not even Italian, bro.
I know. Polski, baby. Polski.
I like your version better.
Thanks.
Hey, Carmen, take out
the proscuit and the mortadel, please.
Yeah, I got you.
Yo, Carm.
CARMY: Yo? Here you go, Sprite.
RICHIE: Sprite? Sprite. Fuck.
CARMY: Sprite.
Why isn’t somebody listening to me?
CARMY: What? I’m listening.
No, no, no.
Why is no one listening to me?
CARMY: I’m listening. What?
What? What?
I said move the pot.
When?
DONNA: I said move the pot.
Right now? I’ll move the pot. You want me to move the pot?
I said move the fucking pot.
CARMY: Okay! Alright!
Here, here. Here’s the pot.
And it’s fuckin’ moving. And it’s going right over here.
Thank you.
Okay? There you go.
I’m sorry. I just need a second.
Thank you.
CARMY: I just need to go look at this…
Thank you.
MIKEY: One sec, I gotta find Rich. Cousin! CARMY: Jesus fucking…
Cousin!
RICHIE: Yo.
Did you tell him?
What?
Did you fuckin tell him?
Whwhwhwhat? What?
Oh, fuck me! Dawg!
Bro…
Merry fuckin’ Christmas, bro.
What? What do you mean?
Merry fuckin’ Christmas
Guys, don’t fuck with me right now.
No one’s fuckin’ with you.
What the fuck? Why would you think that?
‘Cause you’re always fuckin’ with me,
that’s why I fuckin think it. What do you mean?
You’re not gonna fucking believe who we just saw.
No, no, no, no, no, no. This is a good thing.
This is a good thing. Just listen.
What do you mean?
MIKEY: Don’t be a mopey little fuck.
What? I’m not being a mopey little fuck.
Just take a break. Take a break from being a mopey little fuck.
We’re trying to tell you…
RICHIE: Shut your mouth. Just listen.
We’re trying to tell you we ran into
the love of your fucking life.
I don’t have a love of my life.
RICHIE: Just fucking tell him.
MIKEY: Claire bear.
RICHIE: Claire bear!
MIKEY: Claire bear.
You saw Claire?
We saw Claire bear!
That fuckin’ chubby little genius down the street, she’s beautiful.
The body is banging!
Banging, yo. Banging.
RICHIE: Yo, she is hot as balls.
MIKEY: Hot as fuckin’ balls, dude.
Yo.
RICHIE: Oh, my God, the glasses came off.
The motherfucking glasses came off, G!
RICHIE: Like a librarian in a fuckin’ porno.
She’s all that and a fuckin’ basket of biscuits, bro.
And by the way, she’s like,
she’s like a legitimate fucking wizard.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. That’s true.
MIKEY: She’s like a wizard.
Tiffany used to babysit her.
She’s obsessed with science.
What did you do?
She’s obsessed with science.
She’s in med school.
She’s in med school.
What did you do?
What did you do?
We didn’t do anything.
CARMY: What do you mean?
We just massaged the fuckin’…
Bro, this is a onceinamillion opportunity
for you to score with a woman
that’s stacked physically and mentally.
Homie, you’re having a child. Like, what the fuck?
Why are you talking like that?
It’s not about me.
Carmen, what are you talking about?
It’s done.
Who asked you to do that, though?
Who asked you to do that? That’s what I’m saying.
It’s Christmas. I fuckin’ put in a good word.
CARMY: Nobody asked you to do that.
I told her about Napa, about Copen…
I feel like you’re breaking my balls. That’s what you’re doing.
I don’t understand why you always do that.
Like, why are you like this?
But she’s hot now, Carm. She’s hot now.
I’m just like…
Stevie was with us.
Hey, Steven, get the fuck in here, please.
I don’t need Steven to come over here.
RICHIE: Hey, Steven, get the fuck in here.
Would you please tell him who we ran into?
RICHIE: He doesn’t believe us.
Oh, we saw Claire bear.
Boom!
RICHIE: You see?
STEVEN: On the weekends, this woman teaches CPR
to differently abled college kids.
Yeah, like, is that, like, Fak?
Like Neil?
MIKEY: You see?
She’s a deeply good person.
MIKEY: Boom!
I can see why you’re in love with her.
I’m not in love with her, though.
That’s what I’m saying.
Where did you guys get this from
that I’m in love with her?
RICHIE: You used to have all those drawings.
That’s what I’m fuckin’ talking about, though.
That’s what I’m fucking talking about.
STEVEN: May I say…
That’s what I’m saying.
That’s why I think you’re fucking with me.
You’re bringing up this thing
you used to give me a fucking hard time about it.
You used to give me a fucking hard time about it.
Relax.
No one’s giving you…
Don’t touch me.
STEVEN: Your brother handled it.
(timer ringing)
I want to touch you.
(overlapping chatter)
Don’t touch me.
Mikey, don’t fuckin’ touch me. I’m serious.
I want to touch you.
(ringing continues)
Don’t fucking touch me. Mikey. Stop.
DONNA: Hey!
CARMY: Mikey!
What the fuck?
RICHIE: Yo!
Auntie D, did you just throw a spoon at me?
DONNA: Yeah, I did. You, Richard, bring her the pop.
Deedee
DONNA: Carmen, I need you.
Can you just calm down?
Ma, you gotta chill, Mom.
Ma, you gotta chill.
DONNA: No, no, no. You cannot say that.
We’re not done with this Claire Bear thing.
You’re fuckin’ breaking my balls.
RICHIE: No, I think, I think it’s just a big misunderstanding.
Carm… this is a good thing.
DONNA: You, Carmen, come on. I need help.
RICHIE: Yo, Deedee, can you just calm down a little…
DONNA: Hey, no, you do not tell me…
IFF: Hi.
RICHIE: Hi.
TIFF: Hi.
How you doing?
I’m okay.
I’m good.
This room is so insane.
Yeah, it’s a lot. Yeah.
Um, we’re out of Sprite, but…
Carmy made this for you.
TIFF: What do you mean he made it for me?
RICHIE: He made it for you.
He’s like a goddamn pop machine, this guy.
He’s a weird little dude.
(Richie laughs)
Yo.
Right?
Right?
What’s up with him, though?
He’s so, like…
I don’t know. He’s a little… Yeah.
He’s… weird.
We’re, um…
We’re trying to hook him up with Claire bear,
you know, loosen him up a little bit.
With Claire?
RICHIE: Yeah.
Why would you do that? She’s so nice.
Are you still mad at me?
No.
I threw up so many times,
I honestly forgot what I was mad about.
You just puked all that anger up?
Just got it all outta you?
I’ll take it.
Hey, did you go look at the place?
Mmhmm. Yeah.
What’d you think?
I think it’s expensive.
But it’s nice.
And schools are nice.
It’s public school.
You can walk to school.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
I had a dream.
Mmhmm.
That we only wore green clothes.
They were our clothes, but they were all green.
RICHIE: Mmhmm.
And then the baby
only wore red clothes.
Like I went to the store and I bought all these other colors
and I brought ’em back home and then they were all red.
What do you think?
I think that’s pretty fuckin’ dope.
That’s what I thought.
Do you think that she’ll like us?
I don’t know.
I hope so.
Yeah, me, too.
We just gotta…
not be like our parents, you know.
Well, you’re not like a…
a psycho vampire…
TIFF: Alcoholic.
…bitch, like… No offense, but.
Vindictive.
No. It’sit’s accurate.
I’m actually here.
That’s a start.
Am I squishing you?
No, no, it’s good. It’s good.
I like it.
You’re so cute.
You’re gonna be such a cute dad.
I really don’t wanna throw up again.
You don’t smell like barf.
That’s good.
I like chugged Listerine.
(Richie sighs)
The upside of barf is that you get some peace and quiet.
That is true.
(Richie sighs)
I get to be away from all those psychos downstairs.
Do you think Donna’s gonna kill me
if I throw up on her robe?
I don’t think she’ll notice.
(Tiff chuckles)
I love you so much.
TIFF: I love you so much.
I have one quick question, though, for you.
RICHIE: Mmhmm.
Is that a leopard
or is it a cheetah or is it a panther?
That’s a leopard.
We’re in Donna’s bedroom.
(growls)
There’s not gonna be a fuckin’ cheetah.
(Richie laughs)
Alright, I gotta go back down.
Okay.
RICHIE: I’ll come back and check on you in a few minutes.
I love you so much.
I love you.
RICHIE: Merry Christmas.
Merry fuckin’ Christmas.
(sighs)
DONNA: Fuck! God Fuck!
Hey, I got this. I got this.
No, it’s okay. It’s okay.
LEE: Yeah.
DONNA: No, wait.
LEE: Ugh, here. Let me help.
DONNA: Fuck! Thanks.
Hey, did you get that thing I sent you?
No. What’d you send me?
It’s a building in Wilmette.
I’m gonna buy it, I’m gonna lease it out.
It’s a piece of shit.
(Donna laughs)
It’s got, like, seven cracks
in the foundation.
Congratulations.
Yeah, but the thing is, the guy doesn’t have a realtor.
Hey, I thought if you needed help again.
Oh, no. No, no, no. No.
Yeah, but this could be a chance for us to
No, I don’t need it. I don’t need it.
Thank you, though. I appreciate it. I got it handled.
Okay, but everybody wins, you know.
MIKEY: Excuse me.
DONNA: Yeah. Nobody wins.
You make a deal, I’ll make a deal…
We get to, you know, do it together.
DONNA: Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Thanks, though.
That’s a good idea.
Think about it, okay?
DONNA: Okay.
So, guys, are we really doing this again?
I’m just, I’m cleaning up a mess here.
(Mikey sighs)
Yeah, you are a mess, Lee.
DONNA: Oh, you know what, Michael?
What?
That’s not very nice. Michael.
MIKEY: Is that not very nice?
What happened to the Christmas spirit in this house?
DONNA: I don’t know.
It’s gone. I can’t find it.
Yo. Yo, yo, yo. Oh.
(softly) Uncle J. Uncle J.
(whispering) Why are we whispering?
(whispering) Oh, I just wanted to talk to you
about that thing from earlier.
What thing from earlier?
The… the job. The job thing.
(loudly) Oh, the job from earlier!
Come on, don’t be an asshole.
Come on. I’mI’m being real with you.
Oh. Okay. In that case, I gotta put on my real face.
Jimmy.
CICERO: What did I say earlier?
You said we’d talk about it later.
And now it’s later.
Very good. So shoot.
Alright.
I’m about to have this kid.
I don’t wanna be wrapping up sandwiches
for the rest of my life.
You know, I don’t wanna be going home
with my hands covered in grease,
trying to change diapers and stuff. I…
You’re, um, someone with a lot going on.
You could probably use some help.
I’ve been looking…
there’s not much going on out there.
You know?
You’re somebody… that knows something.
And…
(whispering) I don’t wanna be at The Beef every day.
That makes sense, right?
I feel like I’m wasting potential.
What kinda potential?
I don’t know. Uh… I’m good with people.
I’m… Uh, I don’t really have an outlet for that, though.
And I’ve never had a mentor. I never had an uncle
Oh, and I’m neither of those things.
Yeah, but you understand what I’m saying, though, right?
No, I do not.
RICHIE: I am not asking you for money.
I wanna learn.
If you teach me, I will learn.
And you can trust me.
You want me to, you want me to teach you things?
Yeah.
Yeah. You know, business stuff.
Oh. Ohh.
Oh, you want a job.
I get it. I get it now. I’m reading you.
Will you think about it?
Maybe.
You’re a good kid.
Merry Christmas, Unc.
CICERO: You too, fuckface.
Yeah… I got
Spray the other way.
Neil, I got allergies, man.
(blows raspberry)
Chanel.
Did your daddy buy you these matching outfits?
FAK: Yeah.
Yeah?
TED: Big Neil got ’em for us.
Yeah. Kohl’s Cash.
Kohl’s Cash.
TED: You know what I’m saying?
Yeah, I do know what you’re saying.
Oh, yeah.
MICHELLE: Is your sister coming?
No.
TED: Francie’s not allowed.
No. Yeah.
Why?
FAK: ‘Cause… ‘Cause Nat.
Oh.
FAK: She’s mad as hell.
Oh.
FAK: She’s angry.
‘Cause of the thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Still, huh?
Still.
Like…
(both growling)
Yeah.
Uh…
Yeah.
Yeah.
I’m sorry. That’s really hard.
Yeah.
TED: Yeah.
Francie’s a fuckface, though.
Totally.
I mean, absolutely.
Just like a total fuckface.
Oh, yeah. All the way.
Totally.
She’s nice, though, but, she’s…
Not nice.
No. No.
The worst.
Bad. Yeah.
Is New York City the best?
Ohh, it’s the best.
(exhales) You know, it’s just like you’re alive.
And then you come here and you’re dead, you know, it’s…
Oh.
Do you think Donna’s gonna do something crazy?
(scoffs) Abs…
Yeah.
Yeah.
TED: Yeah. Do you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
♪ Oh, there’s a little white duck ♪
♪ Sitting in the water ♪
♪ A little white duck ♪
♪ Doing what he oughta ♪
♪ He took a bite ♪
(laughing) Oh.
♪ He flapped his wings ♪
Ma, can I help, please?
DONNA: Hmm? Mmmmm.
SUGAR: Can I take
No, honey.
I don’t wanna have to explain to everyone
why I call you Sugar again.
Everybody knows why already.
CICERO: II actually don’t know why.
I’ve never heard that story.
DONNA: Do you know what’s really fucking crazy?
Is when you’re trying to cook
and people just, they pour into the kitchen.
You know, it’s fuckin’ boiling in here.
CICERO: Is this a passiveaggressive way…
Oh. …of you asking me to leave?
No, no, no, no, no. It is an aggressive…
aggressive way of asking you to go scratch.
Scratch.
Do you know how fuckin’ hot you are
when you’re slurring your words?
Oh, my God, it’s like fuckin’ musk.
I… By the way, I do not know the story.
DONNA: Oh, because she added a cup of sugar…
I added a cup of sugar
instead of a cup of salt.
…instead of a cup of salt.
And then the gravy tasted like fucking Hawaiian Punch.
I’m so glad we had this time together. Now I know.
(ringing)
DONNA: Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
CARMY: What? What? What? What?
It’s okay.
DONNA: Um… Oh, did you get Tiff those saltines?
No. Okay. Alright.
DONNA: Get them for her.
I don’t remember what that was for.
DONNA: Oh, yes!
Sugar, you have to remember to remind me…
What do I have to remember?
…that the bread isn’t…
No, no, it wasn’t the bread.
(ringing)
It was the peppers.
The peppers. Right. The peppers.
Sugar?
Yeah.
You’re gonna have to remind me to put the bread in.
SUGAR: Okay.
Right before dinner.
I will do that. Yeah.
DONNA: Okay?
Okay.
Don’t worry.
DONNA: Because the peppers are cooking.
And shit. The potatoes…
The potatoes are gonna go in just to warm up again.
Okay, be careful.
DONNA: Okay?
Don’t burn yourself.
(Fak speaks indistinctly)
(Fak clears throat)
Did I win?
No, no, explain it to him.
Absolutely not.
Explain it to him.
Let me just tell you how it goes.
You take… Okay, pick a number one through six again.
Five.
Five. Five. Take five.
You got ten dice here, okay?
You roll it 13 times in hopes to get five 26 times.
See, that’s where you’re wrong.
No, I’m not wrong.
Yeah, you are. You take the ten dice and the first person to get 26 wins.
No. I taught you how to play the game.
You didn’t teach me how to
TED: Yes, I did.
FAK: No, Cousin Gary did.
TED: Yes, I did.
No, he didn’t.
He used to take me to the club
with the hot girls and
Cousin Gary doesn’t do shit.
You’ve never seen a hot girl in your life.
Alright, listen, Steven.
You got 500 bucks on you?
FAK: Do you like baseball cards?
May I take those one at a time?
FAK: Go ahead.
I…
Do I have access to 500 bucks? II absolutely do.
Great. That’s perfect.
I’m a 43yearold man.
That’s great.
Good, good.
I am indifferent to baseball cards.
Well, listen, baseball cards are back.
That’s okay. That’s okay.
That’s okay.
Yeah, we’re just, we’re just buying,
we’re buying boxes of baseball cards.
A lot of boxes of cards.
Andand we’re flipping ’em.
FAK: And there’s one box on eBay.
Baseball cards are back?
FAK: My alerts are going off…
TED: Baseball cards are back.
So they’re valuable right now?
TED: They’re valuable right now.
STEVEN: Okay.
$500…
STEVEN: Yeah?
…can make you…
fifteen hundred dollars.
Fifteen hundred bucks.
STEVEN: Triple my money?
Yeah.
Within six…
FAK: A couple, a couple months.
Cicero’s already in.
He gave us his drink.
In on what?
ROI on RBIs.
That’s kind of our, that’s kind of our, that’s the business.
Do you know what? I’m going to give you the $500.
Hold on. Hold on.
FAK: Mmhmm.
Because whatever you do with that
is going to be very interesting to me.
FAK: Yeah.
And I, all I ask…
Yeah. Yeah.
STEVEN: Okay?
…one of you has to get in touch with me weekly.
FAK: Okay.
TED: We’re making money.
I wanna hear when you open the boxes
and when you go through the cards,
I wanna hear what’swhat’s in it…
FAK: Inventory. Inventory.
STEVEN: …and more importantly, what’s maybe not in it.
I actually… My dad had a Roberto Clemente
from… from the Pittsburgh Pirates?
TED: Of course.
A rookie card.
But Michelle and I, we tossed it when we moved.
What are you, fuckin’ stupid?
FAK: That’s the stupidest thing
you’ve ever done.
STEVEN: It was behind glass.
Do you know what you could get for that right now? $125.
$125,000?
FAK AND TED: $125.
You fuck…
I’m really… I like seeing you guys every year.
You fuckin’ deliver.
FAK: What is that, a bowling shirt?
♪ Sitting in the water ♪
(sighs)
DONNA: Carm, where the fuck are my saltines?
CARMY: Yeah, I got it, Ma. I got it. I got it.
Yo.
MIKEY: Oh shit, sorry, Carmy. I’m in your way.
Sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
Can I just… I gotta get the saltines.
MIKEY: Saltines?
You’re kinda acting like a saltine, you know that?
Why?
I’m not a saltine.
Why? You’re acting like a saltine. Why?
Why? Why? What’s going on with you?
I know there’s something. Just tell me.
(sighs deeply)
Come on, Carm, I’m right here.
What’s going on? I gotta drag it outta you?
What is going on? What?
I just… Yo.
I just, I thought, I thought when I was back,
I could work with you, alright? At the spot.
We could talk about the shop,
’cause I’ve been learning a lot of shit,
and, I don’t know, I feel like I got some ideas.
Yeah, but… (stammers)
The place is no good, Carmy.
It’sit’s a fucking nightmare.
Like, trust me, I’m doing you a favor.
Yo.
And I’d love to hear your ideas. I would.
III wanna hear about you, I do.
Also I don’t need you fuckin’…
I don’t need you talking to Claire
and acting all nice if you don’t actually give a fuck.
You know?
Whwhat?
What are you talking about II don’t give a fuck?
Why would you say that to me?
Carmy, I give like a…
I give like a huge fuck.
Yeah?
Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
(timer ringing)
DONNA: God fucking dammit!
I mean, I give… II…
I give like the biggest fuck.
Alright.
Alright?
Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, don’t…
I um, I got you…
I got, uh, it’s stupid. I got you…
What?
Actually, I got you something.
Can I give it to you?
What, you got me a present?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you a present. Just one second.
Alright.
Whoa.
Yo.
What’s this?
Wait, before I, uh…
why don’t you give me, like,
like, three things about Copenhagen, man?
Tell me.
I don’t know. Uh…
MIKEY: Anything.
It’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen.
MIKEY: Yeah.
Uh…
I slept on a boat.
And, uh…
I fed an invisible cat.
MIKEY: Hmm.
Well, Carm…
that’s a home run.
Yeah. Out of the park.
MIKEY: Out of the park.
Alright, go ahead. Go ahead, go ahead.
MIKEY: What is this?
Oh, Carmy, that’s a…
It’s like, it’s like a little bit rough,
but I don’t know, it’s something
No, man, that’s…
It’s beautiful. That’s…
That’s perfect.
Yeah, Mike, we could, um…
We could do this, you know.
Yeah.
CARMY: Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, let it rip.
Yeah, let it rip.
Yeah, Carm.
DONNA: Carm, where the fuck are the saltines?
I gotta get the thing.
MIKEY: Okay.
Alright.
(Carmy clears throat)
(cutlery clattering)
(indistinct conversations)
Alright.
(timer ringing)
(“Dominick the Donkey” by Lou Monte playing)
Alright. Neil, you go.
Solo. Go.
Oh, yeah. Yeah!
Yeah!
Alright, Ted, you go. Solo.
♪ …his Paesans with Dominick he’ll be ♪
♪ Because the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy ♪
♪ Hey, jingadijing ♪
Now together, yeah.
♪ It’s Dominick the donkey, jingadijing ♪
MICHELLE: You understand what I’m telling you though?
STEVEN: Yes. Okay. The woman says what to you?
MICHELLE: Okay?
And then she said again.
“What is your last name?”
And I’m like, “Fucking Berzatto.”
““Oh marone! Berzatto!””
BERZATTO.
“O.”
You’re an asshole.
And then she’s, and then she’s like,
“I bet you know a lot about bears.”
God damn her for thinking that you know about bears.
Yeah. Damn her.
And how did that incredibly deep,
incredibly penetrating insult make you feel?
Like I was gonna roll that bitch.
Yeah, roll that bitch.
Okay, now I feel like you’re missing some details here.
You want… Okay. You wanted to fight this woman?
So were you being an asshole maybe?
What do you mean?
Well, you just said that you wanted to fight her,
so I asked if perhaps it was you that was the asshole.
Um, are you listening? Hello? I am not the asshole.
She’s the asshole?
That is a fact.
And you go around rolling assholes.
That is also a fact.
Okay, I’m caught up.
Okay. Anyway, soso she says to me,
She finally says to me, “My friend who passed away”
FAK: Sorry for your loss.
It’s not her friend.
MICHELLE: You don’t have to apologize to me, dude.
I don’t know this fucking woman.
This woman was, like, annoying.
RICHIE: Pay attention, Neil. Pay attention.
Why don’t you listen to my story?
He’s gotten to know her so well. This story is taking so long.
Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.
The point is, she finally says to me,
“I have a friend who passed away.
“She was a biologist, and she studied bears.
“And did you know that bears are kind andand sensitive
“and devoted and also, um, altruistic and empathetic
“andand very commonly known to be adept at grieving?
Is this true?
How the fuck would I possibly know?
II couldn’t tell if this bitch was trying to fuck with me or not.
Did you say to her, just be kind and empathetic like a bear?
Yes, I did.
RICHIE: That all does check out.
I share a lot of those traits actually.
Also, it is important to note
that bears are incredibly, incredibly aggressive.
And how were you related to them again?
Through friendship.
TED: Yeah.
Like us.
Not like you.
FAK: Yeah. We’re related through friendship.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was hiking once in Northern California,
and I saw a bear run up a tree so goddamn fast,
and I did not like it at all.
When were you in Northern California?
Um, most of my life before we met?
And very weird that you are now
acting like I never told you I’m from California.
What’s super weird is that
you just said Northern California.
That was weird how I said it.
I thought it sounded elegant.
Super elegant.
TED: Yeah.
CarmelbytheSea, looking at
Bingbong. What you guys talking about?
STEVEN: Bears.
Oh! 85? 41? 63?
Where are we at?
No, the animal.
Oh, Mongo. Hey.
What up, pimp?
838 career tackles.
Get some.
TED: Get some. Take us there.
STEVEN: A… a real bear.
Take us there.
Thank you, sir.
LEE: Yeah. Steve McMichael.
Yeah. The man.
MICHELLE: We are talking about an actual animal,
not a baseball player.
Oh, God.
These holidays are exhausting.
(cutlery clattering)
(indistinct yelling)
DONNA: Okay. Oh, fuck!
What the hell was that?
Yeah, it’s just some crazy person yelling “fuck.”
I’m gonna go lend Auntie D a hand.
ALL: No, no, no, no, no.
LEE: Let him, let him.
TED: Do not do that.
Go ahead, there’s a garlic bulb and a cross by the door.
Just don’t make eye contact.
Be careful.
I’m sure she could use
an extra pair of hands in there. Excuse me.
Steven. Steven.
(overlapping chatter)
There he goes. Don’t get your hand near her mouth.
MICHELLE: This is a bad idea.
It’s gonna go well.
MICHELLE: I don’t think so.
♪ I want you ♪
♪ I want you right now ♪
(vocalizing)
(ringing)
SUGAR: That looks good.
DONNA: Oh, fucking shit!
Okay, okay, okay.
DONNA: Fuck!
It’s okay, Ma. I got it. I got it. I got it.
It’s like I fuckin’ have to do everything for everyone.
SUGAR: No, no, no.
No one fucking lifts a finger to help me.
Look, I’m getting it right now.
Can you just go upstairs and get Dad’s gun out of my drawer,
and I think I’m just gonna blow my fuckin’ brains out,
and then you guys can make dinner,
because I don’t think anyone would fuckin’ miss me.
No, no, Ma, Ma, you’re good.
Yes, you can finish dinner.
You’re good. You’re okay!
DONNA: You won’t even miss me.
You’re okay! You’re okay!
DONNA: You won’t even
Hey, Donna, Aunt D do you
Oh, motherfucking asshole!
Fuck! Fuck!
Out, out.
Fuck! Come on!
SUGAR: Okay.
DONNA: Get the fuck out!
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna take this out.
(ringing)
I’m gonna take this out.
Natalie?
Yeah.
You okay?
Will… Will you hug me?
Yeah, of course.
(indistinct conversations)
(sighs deeply)
(sniffles)
They won’t fuckin miss me.
Things are like, you know,
really starting to spiral out of fucking control.
Oh, we are past the point of no return.
It’s not good, you know.
(stammers) And now it’s like the next morning, right?
And we’re like, fucking rocked. Rocked!
Like, I look over at him and I’m like…
Well, Jesus fucking Christ, man. I’m like…
Because I’m looking at you and I don’t even recognize you.
MIKEY: It’s like a monster.
(growling)
(overlapping chatter)
RICHIE: I’m like, Michael?
Yeah, because you look like a fucking monster, bro.
I was like, “Mikey?” I couldn’t even tell if it was
(imitating Richie crying) “Mikey, where are we?”
RICHIE: That’s… That’s not… That’s not exactly…
That’s not exactly right.
Scared as shit. He was!
That’s exactly right.
RICHIE: That’s not exactly true.
MIKEY: We didn’t know where the fuck we were.
FAK: Well, you were rocked.
We’re in a foreign land. You know what I mean?
And it’s like, you know, you can’t read shit
because it’s all, like, a different fucking alphabet.
You can’t fucking, like, understand shit.
We just know we gotta get to a fucking ATM, you know.
We’ve heard this story a million times.
I’m sorry?
The story.
Yeah, what?
We’ve heard it a million times.
No, Lee, like, you have.
And cousin has.
I haven’t.
I have, but I like it.
It’s a good story.
Yeah, Lee, chill out or fuck off.
Keep going.
Let us tell the fucking story.
Anyways, we have to find an ATM.
LEE: No no no, I’ll finish it. I’ll finish it.
You sold the car, and then at the end,
you find the horse.
Good for you, Lee, that’s… that’s great.
You’re like a real, genuine fucking asshole.
Becausebecause I cut off the story that
you’ve told a million times?
Why don’t you finish a business plan?
Alright, that’s enough.
Where’s the tomato sauce prospectus, Michael?
Where’s the frozen pizza plan?
MICHELLE: Come on, you’re veering.
That’s, uh, that’s enough.
It’s okay.
Hi, Unc.
CICERO: Hey, honey.
Fuck’s going on in here?
This jagoff’s talkin’ shit.
Yeah? Which jagoff?
This jagoff.
CICERO: What about, jagoff?
That is, I guess about how I, like, don’t finish shit.
Not stories. He finishes those over and over.
Mikey, I mean, come on.
MIKEY: Perfect.
PETE: Ho, ho, ho!
We got a tuna casserole delivery
from the North Pole here.
Speaking of jagoffs.
STEVEN: Hey.
PETE: Mikey, what is up, bro?
You know it’s seven fishes, right, Pete?
Yeah, I know. That’s why I brought this.
That’s the eighth fish, bro.
Oh, what, we can’t have one more?
LEE: That makes absolutely no sense.
I mean, I can’t even figure the logic of that.
What?
You’re so fucked.
Uh… ‘Sup, Steve?
Hey, Pete, thanks for bringing fish.
PETE: Yeah, thanks.
CARMY: (claps) Hey, family.
Come on, let’s sit. Okay, dinner’s ready, alright.
Hey, no way, Carmy!
Hey.
What’s up, brother?
Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that? What is that?
Don’t tell him.
MIKEY: What do you mean don’t tell him?
It’s nothing. It’s nothing.
Steve? Steve? Stevie? What is that? What is it?
You’re gonna be upset, but his heart was in the right place, Carm.
It’s a tuna casserole.
What
It’s seven fishes. Pete.
PETE: I know.
They didn’t communicate
CARMY: This would make eight fishes.
Thatthat would make us assholes, right?
I already told him that.
MICHELLE: Swing and a miss.
Why are you doing this to me?
PETE: Okay. I
Just don’t let her fuckin’ see it.
I
Don’t let her fucking see it.
I didn’t know because…
What’s up, bro?
Hey, Rich.
Hey.
I’m so happy to see you.
Hey, there’s my girl.
Oh, my God.
Merry Christmas.
What the fuck is that?
Um…
No. Pete.
Pete, I told you not to fucking do this.
I know, but… Well, I can’t show up emptyhanded.
SUGAR: Ugh, it stinks.
Fuck!
Well, merry Christmas, guys.
Maybe somewhere.
I understand you were just trying to be nice.
Thanks, Steve.
Good lights in the neighborhood this year.
LEE: Same as last year.
PETE: No, there’s more this year. I noticed
LEE: Really, you counted ’em?
Do the Andersons still live on the corner there?
They’re doing it up.
They died.
You knock on every door?
Okay.
Is the bathroom still right here?
Yep. It’s over there.
MICHELLE: Hey.
Hey.
MICHELLE: How you doing?
Yeah, you know…
You okay?
I’ve been wanting to talk to you.
You’ve been running around like crazy.
CARMY: Yeah, it’s a lot, so…
Yeah, it’s a lot.
CARMY: Yeah.
I have this idea
and I just wonder if maybe you’d be open to it.
What’s up?
MICHELLE: Like for your own good.
What is it? What is it?
You wanna come stay with me
for, like, a couple of days in New York?
Just like…
get the fuck outta here?
Yeah.
MICHELLE: You know.
I think it’s really important for you to
keep your head in the game, you know.
Stay focused. Keep your eye on the motherfuckin’ prize.
Yeah. No, I hear you. Um…
Yeah, no, I’d like that.
I’m gonna kinda hold you to it, Carm.
Yeah?
Yeah.
This is, um, this isn’t good for your head.
It’s not good for anyone’s head,
but it’s really not good for yours.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Yeah, so…
But you know, what are you supposed to do? You know?
You gotta get outta here.
That’s what you gotta do.
You just come stay with me any time you want.
I got a couple of restaurants.
I mean, I’m an idiot about this shit,
but I think they’re very good.
You like ’em? Yeah.
I do.
And then that way you can just, like, decompress.
Okay?
Okay.
I see what happens here, you know,
and I can see how it gets in your head.
Yeah.
And I don’t want that for you.
Okay. Thank you.
MICHELLE: Okay?
Yeah.
So you’re gonna come? Stay with me?
I’ll try.
Thank you.
Keep going.
I hear you.
Okay.
Okay.
MICHELLE: Love you.
Alright, you too.
RICHIE: Oh wow. Nice.
TIFF: Just keeps goin’.
RICHIE: Table looks great, D.
What do you want? Where should we?
RICHIE: Hey, we’re over there.
TIFF: Okay, cool.
Fuck me with a stick.
RICHIE: Scooch forward.
Okay.
Oh. You’re sweet.
Thank you for that.
Okay.
CICERO: You feeling better, hon?
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Unc.
I think a banana is about
all I can handle right now.
Maybe about all I can handle, too.
I sense this getting dark.
God, you got that feeling?
CICERO: Mmhmm.
Oh, yeah, I got that feeling.
I’m right there with you, Unc.
We lit. This Christmas is lit.
You ever have a chocolatecovered banana, Tiff?
Yeah, of course I have.
You know, the drive out here we actually, uh,
we passed the stand
my dad used to take me to get ’em.
I swear to God, I can smell ’em, you know, and him.
TIFF: (chuckles softly) Hmm.
It’s weird, right?
We remember smells. Cologne, you know.
Anyway, it’s kinda been, uh, sitting with me, you know,
sitting on my chest.
TIFF: Mmhmm. Yeah.
And all of a sudden, after all these years,
I’m missing that fat fuck.
Anyway, and here you are, you’re eating a banana.
Anyways, kinda funny.
Well…
Funny that it’s the holidays, too.
You know.
CICERO: Hmm.
All comes back up, doesn’t it?
It sure does come back up.
CICERO: Oh, boy.
Oh.
CICERO: Oh, I get it.
(Tiff laughs)
That’s clever.
Is it clever or gross?
(indistinct chatter)
(laughter)
(indistinct chatter)
Do you mind sitting at the kiddie table?
I don’t mind at all.
MICHELLE: You can sit at the kiddie table.
I would prefer to sit at the kiddie table.
(laughter)
Who wants wine? Want some wine?
FAK: …understand the market.
MICHELLE: It has a lovely bouquet.
I like your shirt, it looks good.
He looks like Clark Kent in his glasses.
(indistinct conversations)
Oh. Oh, I’m such an asshole. I wanted to say thank you.
What for, darling?
Oh, for giving Richie a chance.
Oh, what? No, no, no. Wh…
Uh, babe. Um…
TIFF: What? Wh…
You’re embarrassed to say it?
RICHIE: No, no, no, no.
I can’t talk about it?
It’s just not public information yet.
Just wanted to say thank you.
We’re just…
What’s not public information?
RICHIE: Uh…
You know, Tiff and I were talking earlier,
and I was just letting her know a little bit about how
What’s not public information?
Just how like when we…
CICERO: Richard.
Richard, shut the fuck up.
Richard, I’m talking to Tiffany.
I know, but we were just saying, like, um…
CICERO: Richard… shut up.
I’m having a conversation with your wife.
Tiffany, what were you saying, my dear?
Wh… Yeah.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on here,
’cause I was just gonna thank you
for giving Richie a job.
See, that’s not entirely…
TIFF: It’s not true?
RICHIE: No.
Is that not what’s happening here?
RICHIE: It’s not not true.
TIFF: He told me that…
Unfuckingbelievable.
He told you I gave him a job?
Yeah, he told me he…
Yeah, he told me that you gave him a job.
CICERO: Okay, look.
Here’s the truth, alright?
I mean, you know, I’m a big fan of this guy.
I believe in him. I do.
Which is precisely why I gave him a fucking job.
Right?
Thing is, I just wanna keep a lid on it for now
because I don’t want every jagoff in all of the land
to know that I have all these jobs to give out,
which I don’t.
Alright?
Right, Richard?
Yeah.
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to say anything.
No, no.
My darling, how could you know?
TIFF: And I promise you, I will not say,
I will not say a word until you say that it’s okay.
But I just wanna say thank you so much
’cause we really appreciate you.
And I appreciate you, too.
The both of you.
(indistinct chatter)
(mouths) Thank you.
TIFF: Oh, yeah.
Like, do I have to wait? Can I pick?
CARMY: She’ll be out in a minute.
She’ll be out in a minute, I think.
MICHELLE: Can I pick?
Yeah, yeah.
Do you care?
CAROL: Go for it.
MICHELLE: Don’t we have to say grace?
CARMY: Yeah, she’ll, she’ll be, she’ll just be a minute.
Yeah.
(sniffles sharply)
(sighs)
(sniffles)
CARMY: What’s up, Ma?
(coughs)
I’m fine.
I’m good.
CARMY: Hey.
(Carmy clears throat)
Everybody’s sitting down now.
You know, everything looks so beautiful.
I don’t think I can do this by myself anymore.
You’re not by yourself, alright?
I’m right here with you.
DONNA: Well, yeah, now, but…
Nobody out there gives a shit about me.
CARMY: That’s not true.
That’s not true. We all love you so much.
(indistinct conversations)
I had to beg you to come home.
I’m happy to be here.
Okay?
I am. Mom, I’m really happy to see you.
Hey. Really.
Okay?
(cries) Okay.
CARMY: Okay.
(sniffles)
Okay. It’s okay.
I just, I worked all day for them.
I worked all day.
I know. I know.
Everybodyeverybody really appreciates it, too.
DONNA: It’s just fucking hard.
CARMY: (sighs) Why, um…
What’s hard? What’s hard, Mom? What is it?
I make things beautiful for them…
and…
no one makes things beautiful for me.
Okay. Um…
Look, I’m gonna go, uh,
I’m gonna go… I’m gonna sit down now.
Why don’t you give me your hand and we’ll go sit?
We’ll go sit.
No. Okay.
CARMY: Come on, Mom. Come on.
I’ll go in a minute.
CARMY: Alright. Well, I’ll just wait.
I’ll wait for you.
Okay, Michael.
I’ll be there in a minute.
I said go.
CARMY: Okay. Um…
I said go.
CARMY: Are you good?
I’m good. Go. Go sit.
How about I just wait with you? I’ll wait.
Why are you treating me like a child?
CARMY: I’m not, I’m not treating you like a child, Mom.
I’m not.
Do we have a problem?
Do we, do we have a problem?
DONNA: Do we have a problem…
Carmen Anthony Berzatto?
Do we have a problem?
No.
DONNA: Good.
CARMY: Oh. Mom.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
(Donna crying)
It’s okay. It’s okay.
It’s okay, okay?
(kisses)
It’s okay.
DONNA: Go sit down.
Go sit down.
Alright.
♪ We did last summer ♪
♪ I’ll remember ♪
♪ All winter long ♪
(vocalizing)
(sniffles sharply)
MIKEY: Hey, uh, Tiff.
A little, um a little something came up, huh?
A little bit more than something.
MIKEY: Oh, boy.
TIFF: Yeah.
You feeling okay?
I’m good.
MIKEY: Yeah? Good.
How are you?
Good.
MICHELLE: Hey, Mikey.
Yeah?
You wanna say grace?
MIKEY: I don’t know, cousin.
Is this motherfucker gonna cut me off?
(clears throat) It depends.
Uh, is it a grace we’ve heard a million times before?
CICERO: Okay. Okay.
Oh, wow.
Uh, Steven, would you like to say grace, my friend?
MICHELLE: Oh.
Can I please not?
MICHELLE: You don’t want to?
I don’t.
Okay.
I mean…
Okay, so then I’m going to ask
the same question I ask every year,
which is, what the hell is the point of the seven fishes?
I don’t get it.
Oh, I know the answer.
Well, it’s biblical, okay? There’s seven fishes.
And uh, also by the manger, right,
there’s a Dutch oven of potatoes
that burned the living shit out of me earlier.
(buzzes)
CARMY: Oh.
Did you just throw a fork at me?
I did.
See that’s the thing, Lee, see, ’cause…
you see what you did, right?
You, you already did that.
You remember you already bitched about the Dutch oven?
You see, you did that before.
Michael.
What are you doing, Michael?
MIKEY: He started it. Uncle J.
Mike, just
Don’t throw fuckin’ forks at people.
(mocking Lee) Don’t throw forks… Don’tdon’tdon’t…
LEE: Yeah, don’t throw forks at people.
MIKEY: Don’tdon’tdon’t.
Don’tdon’tdon’t…
It’s a rule.
It’s a rule? It’s a rule?
Hey, Fak. You using your fork?
Yeah, III need it, Mike.
I need it.
Ple… Mikey.
MIKEY: Yeah?
FAK: Yeah.
MIKEY: I just, I need to borrow it.
Please. Please.
MIKEY: I just need to borrow it for one second.
FAK: Please.
CICERO: Michael.
I’m just gonna borrow it for a second.
I just need it for one second.
FAK: Mikey. Come on, dude.
CARMY: Yo.
BOTH: Michael.
I threw the fork, Lee.
STEVEN: Michael.
MIKEY: See what I did?
I threw the fork.
TIFF: Michael.
MIKEY: Tiff. Tiff. Shh.
Please.
Cousin, you’re scaring the normals.
MIKEY: This is fine. This is nothing.
This is… It’s nothing.
Hey, Mikey, can you hear me, buddy?
Not right now, Stevie.
RICHIE: Cut it out.
LEE: Rich.
MIKEY: Hey, look, here’s the thing.
You see, I can throw forks
’cause this is our father’s house.
Mike.
Rich.
Lee?
My father’s house.
We have liftoff.
LEE: Okay, you got everyone’s attention,
so go ahead, tell us a story
we’ve all heard a million times already.
That’s good, Lee.
LEE: Yeah.
Tell a story about how you’re living with your mom
and you’re borrowing money off of her and any other sucker
who’ll listen to your bullshit.
Lee, shut the fuck up.
You’re one of the suckers, Jimmy.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ve told him.
I told him not to listen to you. I told him not to help.
I told him to tell you to go scratch.
Thanks a whole fucking lot, buddy.
You come back next year, okay?
Motherfuck.
Ssh, ssh, ssh. Unc, it’s fine.
LEE: Yeah, it’s fine.
It’s just totally fine.
It’s fine. It’s fine.
Because this guy’s nothing and he’s nobody.
And I know you’reyou’re scared and you’re afraid, aren’t you, Michael?
And, Michael, I don’t know what, what the fuck you’re on,
but whatever it is, if you can hear me through the fog,
throw another fork at me,
you’re gonna get fuckin’ rocked.
Hey, Petey.
I just, I…
You think I could just, like, borrow that for one second? I just…
MICHELLE: Michael! Hey! Come on. Mike, come on. Please.
SUGAR: Michael!
CARMY: Mike.
CICERO: Michael. Put the fucking fork down.
Michael. Michael. Michael.
CICERO: Put it down.
Please don’t do this.
Michael! Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
I love you.
Okay?
I love you, too, Sug.
SUGAR: I’m begging you.
(whispers) Don’t do it.
STEVEN: (giggles) I’m sorry. I giggle when I get nervous.
MIKEY: No, no, no. Steve, do not apologize for that.
You fucking giggle. Fucking giggle.
Fucking enjoy this. This is fun!
Michael, I need you to calm down, buddy, alright?
CARMY: Mike!
CICERO: There’s other people at the table.
I need you to calm down.
You’re being a bit of an asshole.
Thank you, Uncle J. I’m fine.
That is the familial support I was looking for.
Yeah, well, you’re being a fuckin’ asshole, too.
Thank you for that too, Uncle J.
Go ahead.
Let’s go.
Where do you wanna go, Lee?
LEE: Fuckin’ throw it.
Yeah?
Yeah, throw it or put it down.
(Mikey laughs)
Yeah, come on.
MIKEY: Well, Lee, you look like you bite.
You bite, Lee, is that what you do?
MICHELLE: Oh, my God.
CICERO: For fuck’s sake.
Your mother’s been working for fucking days
making this meal.
Have some respect.
There’s other people on this fucking table.
Mike, stop!
Shut the fuck up!
Throw the fuckin’ fork!
Here you go.
CARMY: Sit down. Sit down!
MIKEY: Oh, would you look at that?
I didn’t throw it. I didn’t throw it, you fuckin’ pussy!
You fuckin’ flinched! Look!
You did it again, you fuckin’ pussy!
Throw it.
I’m not on anything. I flinch.
I still my brain’s connected to my nerves.
You monster.
MIKEY: Yeah, I’m a monster, Lee.
You’re a fuckin’ monster.
Nobody wants you here.
LEE: You loser.
MIKEY: Nobody fucking wants you here.
LEE: You loser fuckin’ monster.
Nobody fuckin’ wants you here
with your big fuckin’ mouth.
With your big fuckin’ mouth!
LEE: Fuckin’ throw it.
MIKEY: Yeah?
Go ahead, fuckin’ throw it, you fucking animal.
(braying) Yeah?
Yeah. Make it about you. Make Christmas about you.
(screeching)
If you’re such a tough guy,
throw the fucking fork.
You’re nothing.
You’re nothing.
You’re nothing.
You are nothing.
You’re nothing.
You are nothing.
You’re nothing.
CICERO: Oh, there she is.
(clapping)
Merry Christmas.
RICHIE: Merry Christmas, Auntie Dee.
DONNA: What did I miss?
(Donna laughing)
What’d I miss?
LEE: Nothing.
I missed something.
MIKEY: No, no, no.
CICERO: Come on.
DONNA: Oh, thank you.
Uh, Stevie, Stevie’s about to say grace, Ma.
DONNA: Ooh, good, yes.
No.
MIKEY: Go ahead and take it away there, Stevie.
No.
Yes, yes, yes.
STEVEN: Uh, I don’t…
MIKEY: Just fuckin’ say the thing, okay?
MICHELLE: Come on. You can do it.
STEVEN: Um…
DONNA: Grace.
Um…
Hey. Uh…
It’s great that we’re all…
I’m sorry.
…that we’re all together, um, and healthy, I think.
Uh, no one’s si… physically very sick.
Uh…
I’m so grateful, um, for this beautiful meal.
And, Donna, um…
What an incredible job Donna did.
And II could, I could hear in there.
It sounded very hard and it’s just gorgeous.
And is he still holding the fork?
Sure is.
MICHELLE: Yeah.
STEVEN: Okay. Um…
Listen.
Everyone’s asking what this…
What is the seven fishes or why do we do it?
MICHELLE: Mmhmm.
And I think I know what my definition is.
Uh, as soon as I think of it.
It’s a chance to…
be together and to take care of each other.
And to eat together.
And there’s seven fishes,
which means you have to make seven entirely different dishes.
Seven entirely different ways.
And that takes a lot of time.
And…
I think spending that time and using that time
on the people that we love is how we show them
that we love them.
And maybe we eat too much…
and we definitely drink too much
and we say too much without listening.
But… tonight we… we’re gonna eat seven fishes…
(Michelle laughs)
…which is absurd.
Uh…
But we have to take extra time to do it
and we have to chew more and we have to listen more.
And, uh, we only get to do this tonight one time.
So…
I, by the way, love it.
I love being here.
Thank you for having me every year at this.
I look… I very much look forward to this.
And I love you.
III’m very in love with Michelle.
And I’m not gay like you guys asked a lot.
But I was thinking about what…
what you said about bears and how they’re aggressive.
They’re aggressive, but they’re kind.
They’re sensitive.
You guys have been so kind to me.
You let me hang out with you every holiday.
I don’t have a family like this and…
I’m really grateful that, um,
you make space for me at this table
and you make time for me on the holidays.
May God bless us and keep us safe in the New Year.
And please give Michael the strength
not to throw that fork. Amen.
(laughter)
ALL: Amen.
I love you.
I love you.
(Donna grunts)
Stevie, that was, uh, that was beautiful.
(whispers) That helps a little.
Yeah.
(sniffles)
(sighs)
Yeah. Yeah.
It doesn’t fuckin’ matter.
Oh, Donna.
DONNA: (softly) It doesn’t…
SUGAR: Ma, come on. It’s so beautiful.
So gorgeous.
RICHIE: Thanks, Auntie D.
We love you so much.
We love you.
CICERO: Gorgeous, D.
(sighs deeply)
STEVEN: We can’t wait.
Mom. Mom. Hey.
(exhales)
You okay?
MICHELLE: Oh, my God.
(Donna sighs)
Oh, Natalie…
Rose Berzatto…
do you know how much I fucking hate
when you ask me that?
Okay.
Do you know how much I fucking hate…
SUGAR: Let’s go upstairs.
…that you ask me that.
SUGAR: Okay.
Do you… do you ask the rest
of these people if they’re okay?
SUGAR: No.
Uh…
Do I not look okay, Natalie?
Not really.
SUGAR: Let’s go upstairs.
Oh, fuck you, Michelle.
CARMY: Hey, hey, hey.
I didn’t mean it like
DONNA: I do not look okay?
I didn’t mean it like
Did I not just bust my ass
all day for you motherfuckers?
I didn’t mean it like that.
This… is beautiful.
MICHELLE: It is.
Am I okay?
Am I okay?
(screaming) Are you motherfuckers okay?
Are you okay, Lee?
You didn’t do shit!
This is fucking gorgeous.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you.
(crying) Fuck you, Natalie.
(footsteps receding)
MICHELLE (softly): It’s okay.
(door shuts)
It’s okay.
(exhales) Well, I guess we all knew that was gonna happen.
So it’s out.
And, uh, maybe everybody, everybody can relax, huh?
MICHELLE: Yeah, that’s, uh…
That’s the worst I’ve ever seen her.
You fuckin’ piece of shit!
(all yelling)
(screaming)
Get the fuck out.
(screaming continues)
Get outta here.
(screaming continues)
Hang on!
(screaming continues)
(yelling)
MIKEY: Ma, what did you do?
(rattling)
Ma, open the door!
Open the door, Ma!
Ma!
Ma, open the door!
(banging on window)
Open the door!
Ma!
Ma! What did you do?
(pounding on window)
Ma, open the door.
Open the door!
Ma, open the door!
Ma!
Ma, what did you do?
(pounding continues)
Ma, open the door.
Open the door, Ma.
Ma!
(pounding continues)
Ma, open the door!
Open the door!
Ma!
Ma!
(pounding continues)
Ma!
Ma!
(pounding continues)
Ma, open the door.
Open the door!
(vocalizing)
♪ Could you ever know how much I care? ♪
♪ How much I care? ♪
♪ Could you ever know that out somewhere ♪
♪ That out somewhere ♪
♪ There’s a boy who really hurts? ♪
♪ Really hurts ♪
♪ Since I ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ Found you ♪
♪ Found ♪
♪ I found a girl ♪
♪ I found a thorn ♪
♪ I found a queen ♪
♪ Now I am warm ♪
♪ You told me you would move heaven and Earth ♪
♪ Cheering my spirits with laughter and mirth ♪
♪ Here I sit waiting beside the tree ♪
♪ All by myself ♪
