Original release date: June 23, 2022
Ebraheim reads aloud a very positive review of the restaurant, which especially mentions the risotto that Sydney served (unknowingly) to a food critic. Tina’s son gets suspended from school and she brings him to the restaurant to learn culinary skills. Just before the lunch rush, the team learns that Sydney left the preorder option active on their newly computerized to-go service, generating more orders than they can fill. Carmy gets angry with Sydney and Marcus. Sydney accidentally stabs Richie in the chaos and announces her immediate resignation as Carmy begins to mentally deteriorate.
* * *
LIN BREHMER: Thank God you found us
at 93.1 FM WXRT.
I’m Lin Brehmer, your best friend in the whole world.
It’s great to be alive.
So let’s start today with a songwriter,
who has been known to climb on the stage of the Metro
as the Christmas Unicorn,
a rare and beautiful creature costumed in stunning colors.
And while you’ve heard all roads lead to Rome,
some roads lead from Chicago.
This is Sufjan Stevens.
This is “Chicago.”
(“Chicago” by Sufjan Stevens playing)
♪ I fell in love again
♪ All things go, all things go ♪
♪ Drove to Chicago
♪ All things know, all things know ♪
♪ We sold our clothes to the state ♪
♪ I don’t mind, I don’t mind
♪ I made a lot of mistakes in my mind ♪
♪ In my mind
♪ You came to take us
♪ All things go, all things go ♪
♪ To recreate us
♪ All things grow, all things grow ♪
♪ We had our mindset
♪ All things know, all things know ♪
♪ You had to find it
♪ All things go, all things go ♪
EBRAHEIM: “This writer, as all my readers know,
“is devoted to Chicago and for better or worse,
“the neighborhoods are changing.
“I’m fascinated by the intersection
“of the stalwart and the progressive
“and chronicling my findings.
“Can the windy city evolve
“without losing its true essence?
“We wonder at times if nostalgia clouds our judgment
“and creates an angry desire
“for perfection with every turned over spot…
“Which is why we have chose to revisit The Beef of Chicagoland,
“a River North staple.
“Long known as a family joint,
“the purveyor of sloppy,
“but tasty Italian beef sandwiches,
“the word we would have used to describe The, The Beef
“before this review was ‘reliable.’
“The word I would choose now,
“after my most recent meals
“at the wellloved, if not shabby establishment,
“is ‘elevated’ or ‘elegant.’
The menu is slightly updated”
CARMY: Twenty minutes to open, Chefs.
SYDNEY: Chef.
CARMY: Syd, you set up?
Uh, yes, Chef, ready to go.
CARMY: Thank you.
EBRAHEIM: “…and it’s clear more changes are coming.”
Chef, stop reading that shit.
We got a lot to do today, okay?
We open in 20, togo’s live in 20.
Let’s fucking go.
EBRAHEIM: Oh, you’ll like this part, Carmy.
You’ll like this part, Carmen.
“Even if the walls are stained,
the staff moves are next level.”
Where is Tina? She’s still not here?
Uh, no, Chef, I’m covering her prep.
Um, can we maybe Should we, like
EBRAHEIM: “The sandwiches are so delicious as ever,
“but the standout dish that
“that, that encapsulates all,
“this was the risotto with braised beef.
“The rice was luscious with a surprising ribbon of brine
“running through the sauce.
The chef obviously knew what she was doing.”
Ebra, enough, please. Back to work.
Thank you.
Um…
So
Ribbon of brine, huh?
Well, I gave a dish to a customer
because I didn’t want it to go to waste.
I obviously didn’t know who he was.
Chef, it’s all good. It’s all good.
Um, okay. So, you know, it was an accident
and, and it’s fine, right?
Like, it’s not weird or anything like
Good for business.
Right, yes, exactly.
CHEF: Hey, Syd, congrats.
Um, and, yeah,
I just wanna
CHEF: Yeah, you better tell your pops.
For sure. And I just wanna make sure, you know,
like, everything’s okay.
It’s not weird or dumb, whatever.
It’s okay, Syd.
It’s not weird. It’s good.
Yeah. Okay. Thanks.
Alright?
Sandwiches are totally different, though.
That guy’s a fuckin’ hack anyway.
Totally.
Togo boxes ready?
Uh, yes, almost.
Thank you, Chef.
TINA: Sorry.
I’m sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
CARMY: Yo.
Louie got suspended.
Louie, apologize to Jeff.
Sorry, Jeff.
That’s alright, Louie.
TINA: Say hello to Jeff’s friend.
Hi, Jeff’s friend.
SYDNEY: Hi, um, Louie.
CARMY: Hey, T, we got a lot to do today, please hustle, okay?
I need you to catch up. Thank you, Chef.
Yes, Jeff, but Louie
CARMY: What about Louie?
Um, he needs to know
You need to teach him how to work in the kitchen.
BOTH: Today?
TINA: Mmhmm.
Sure, Tina. Today, the day we’re running the new program.
Um, Chef Sydney, you got that, right?
Yeah. Sure.
CARMY: Thank you, Chef.
EBRAHEIM: “But it was the coriander”
SYDNEY: Okay, Ebra, let’s get to work, please.
TINA: What are you reading?
EBRAHEIM: Oh, a review, five stars.
TINA: Oh, shit!
SYDNEY: It’s nothing.
It’s not
Is five stars good?
EBRAHEIM: Very good.
(clears throat)
SYDNEY: What’s up?
I need help with him.
Yo. Go wait in Jeff’s office
and think about what the fuck you did.
Uh, yeah, um, he is, um,
you know, getting into trouble, doing dumb shit.
Is not interested in anything
So you brought him here?
Hmm. Claro que sí.
¿Por qué?
Porque you taught me.
You could teach him.
Teach him what exactly?
Uh, your skills, man. You got skills.
SYDNEY: Skills?
TINA: Yes.
Shabby? This guy’s a hacky fuck, right?
CARMY: That’s exactly what I said.
Yo. Why’s he talking about risotto, Cousin?
We don’t have risotto on the menu.
That’s a, uh, dish that Sydney’s been working on.
And how did this fuckin’ mamaluke try it?
Sydney accidentally left it at his table.
Accidentally?
Accidentally.
Let me ask you, what’s the pickup on risotto?
Feel like that’s kinda crazy, right?
We’re not gonna do that.
No, we’re not gonna do that.
Fifteen minutes to open, Chefs!
ALL: Yes, Chef.
CARMY: Thank you.
RICHIE: Oh, shit.
Sydney, you blowing somebody
down at The Telegraph?
SYDNEY: Yeah, Richie, that’s exactly what’s happening.
I’m blowing somebody down at The Telegraph.
Oh, Louiecito, get over here.
Oh, my man.
Whoa. You bulking up?
I’m trying, yeah.
Yeah, man, looking good.
Okay, um, can we please go over the new system today?
You got it, boss.
Fascinating how you accidentally
gave a dish that’s not on the menu…
CARMY: Cousin. Hey!
…to a guy who happened to be
a food critic.
CARMY: Do me a favor. Shut the fuck up.
No, it’s just, it’s hard to digest.
Sydney, boxes.
Yes, Chef.
Thank you so much.
Gary, come on.
PERSON: What’s a ribbon of brine?
Okay, Chefs, listen up.
Uh, I’m gonna turn on the togo’s in 10 minutes.
So we’re gonna count off, alright?
Pars all day.
Syd, salads. Count.
SYDNEY: Twentyfive all day, Chef.
Twentyfive. Thank you.
Grilled pars. Tina, chicken?
TINA: Uh, 32 all day, Chef.
Thirtytwo. Thank you.
Ebra, beef all day?
EBRAHEIM: One hundred, Chef.
One hundred. Thank you.
Richie, go fuck yourself.
RICHIE: Sixtynine all day, Chef.
And, Marcus, cakes all day?
Uh… Uh, give me a sec.
CARMY: Nope. Faster. How many?
I just got a little behind. I’mma catch up.
Marcus, if you’re still fucking with those donuts right now
I’m gonna fuck your day up. You hear me?
MARCUS: Yes, Chef.
Thank you, Chef.
RICHIE: No, no, no. Uhuh.
Nope. Sorry, guys.
This is the thunderdome right here.
Take the kindergarten somewhere else.
Not that I don’t appreciate the giddyup,
but you’re not quite there yet.
Um, okay.
Okay.
Can we please talk about the new togo system?
Yeah, you got it, boss.
Fellas, I gotta talk to Sydney.
Excuse me, lizards.
Just, um, take this
and do this over by the deli counter.
Yes. Thank you.
CHEF: Ten minutes to open, Chefs.
Bravo.
Alright, boss lady, you did it.
Got your little dish in the paper.
A little togo tablet.
Everything’s going according to plan, huh?
I have a plan?
Yeah, this is what you wanted to do from the beginning, right?
You know, you push my people out.
Your people?
Yeah, you know, push out the working man,
make room for whatever fuckin’
The working man?
jabronistas this stupid article’s gonna bring in.
Sorry, um, are you the new face of the working man?
Right.
Richie, congrats.
That is huge.
Bullshit aside
Huh?
What’s your angle? Level with me.
My angle?
Yeah.
Uh, my angle’s that I was hired to work here.
So now I’m working here and I’m trying to bring business in.
That’s my angle.
Yeah, but it’s the wrong kind of business.
You know, you’re bringing in all these fucking strokes.
They’re gonna box out the OGs.
Okay. The OGs?
Yeah, bus drivers, secretaries, teachers.
Sorry, are we just naming professions?
You know, it’s just confusing.
I can do that too.
People are gonna know…
Bricklayers, clock workers
…not know what’s on the menu.
What’s not on the menu is the risotto.
Okay, well, if there’s confusion,
let me help clarify some things.
RICHIE: Okay.
Okay? Um.
We all work in a restaurant, right?
And, um, we, uh, make food in the restaurant.
We all try to do a good job. I don’t know about you.
But, anyway, people come
and they buy their food with money
and they spend their money
and then, uh, we take our earnings
and, um, just, you know, live our lives.
That’s it.
It’s business.
The point of this is that it is a business,
not, uh, some sort of a hollow shell
you can project your dying fantasies or whatever.
You don’t need to get nasty, young lady.
And you just don’t need to speak to me at all, I guess.
By the way, those OGs you love waxing on and on about
all come here, split one sandwich and a free cup of water
and then treat the rest of us like shit.
RICHIE: So this is a war on poor people?
No, this is a war on you shutting the fuck up, Richie,
and learning how to use the tablet.
The end, dude.
CARMY: What is the end?
(sighs) The end is that I was telling Richie
that we are learning how to use the tablet, and it’s good.
And it’s good for business, and you and I agree.
Yes. Your idea, but, yes.
Yeah. But you agree wwith me about the other thing, right?
SYDNEY: Uh, what other thing?
What’s the other thing?
That, That people are gonna come in here
thinking they’re gonna get her food.
That’s some fuckin’ (speaks Italian)
millennial shit.
You are not even Italian.
Stop, it’s a little bit messy, okay?
We will figure it out.
I just turned on the togo tablet.
Are we ready?
SYDNEY: No.
CHEF: Nine minutes to open, Chef.
This is gonna be bad.
Um, Chef?
Yes.
Uh, sorry, I just don’t, uh, feel like
we’re on the same page right now.
I feel like we’re not good.
We’re good, Chef.
Let’s get through the day, please.
TINA: Chef!
CARMY: What?
TINA: Fuck!
(whirring)
CARMY: What?
Fuck. What the fuck?
Syd?
SYDNEY: Uh, okay.
Um, I, uh, uh, uh. Cool. I don’t know, um.
You left the preorder option open.
SYDNEY: OOkay, uh… No. I’m sorry.
Yes.
RICHIE: What’s that mean?
That means we have 78 slices of chocolate cake,
99 French fries, 54 chickens, 38 salads
and 255 beef sandwiches due up in eight minutes.
So, yeah, Syd, fuck.
I fuckin’ told you.
You didn’t fuckin’ tell me shit.
Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!
Let me think for a fuckin’ second.
Fucking twice. I told you.
I told you to be more fucking ready.
I told you that dish wasn’t fuckin’ ready.
What does this have to do with this?
Chef, stop! Stop!
Chefs, go to the walkin, get all the cooked beef.
Slice it, put it in jus. Get it now!
Get all 32 chickens.
Get them searing, roasting.
Tina, sausages, burgers, hot dogs,
everything on the grill.
Fire everything right fucking now!
ALL: Yes, Chef!
Fak, contribute in any way humanly possible.
FAK: Yes, Chef.
CARMY: Get out of my fuckin’ way.
Ebra, make sandwiches!
Don’t stop making fucking sandwiches.
EBRAHEIM: Yes, Chef.
CARMY: I’m gonna make three sections, okay?
They’re gonna be wet, hot, and sweet, alright?
I’m gonna take green tape. Make those sections. Louie?
I want you to get the sandwiches,
put ’em in the corresponding sections.
Copy?
LOUIE: Okay, yeah, yeah.
CARMY: Yo, Sweeps, bag, Sharpie.
Label that shit, please, Chef.
Yes, Chef.
Tina, fire every single chicken we have, please, okay?
Richie, do you even know how to do fries?
RICHIE: Yes. I know we need ’em now.
Okay, um, Marcus, where are we on cakes?
MARCUS: Uh, getting there.
Getting there? What the fuck do you Marcus?
What the fuck are you doing still working on this shit?
MARCUS: Yo, come on, what, what are you tripping for?
Come on? What the fuck am I tripping for?
Are you here right now?
It doesn’t make a difference.
There’s four cakes and still
Yeah, I was gonna cut them.
They’re not even cut yet?
Yeah, it’s not that big of a deal.
CARMY: Yo, what is this?
What is this? Chef!
Um, I am…
um, I’m doing them in five
No, no, stop, everything.
Fire everything right fucking now.
Okay. I’ll fire everything now.
I just was finishing talking
to Marcus and I
Step out. Step out.
Okay, I’m gonna talk to Marcus about
Get the fuck off my expo, Chef, now!
Get the fuck off! Thank you!
We’re firing 76 beefs, 34 chickens, okay?
12 French fries, 12 mash fuckin’ now!
ALL: Yes, Chef.
CARMY: Thank you!
RICHIE: Behind.
Corner. Oh!
TINA: Five minutes to open.
SYDNEY: Shit.
You didn’t say corner.
You didn’t say corner.
Fuck you, Richie.
You don’t need to curse at me like a maniac.
Fuck… you…
You didn’t say corner.
You’re a fucking maniac, man.
It’s your bullshit that fucked us today, not mine.
It’s your bullshit.
Fuck you, Richie.
CARMY: Sydney?
Fuck you.
CHEF: I like that pace, Louie.
Yeah, baby.
Chef, are you okay?
Yeah, I’m fucking okay, Tina.
Thank you.
Hey, you don’t need to be screaming and shit.
That’s not you.
You know, maybe it is.
Maybe it really is.
I don’t know what you are going to learn
oor what Louie is supposed to learn in this shit hole of a place,
but, please, just make sure he keeps up on pace
and, and, and that you finish your shit.
Okay, yes, Chef. I just wanted to check and see
It’s fine. Please finish your prep.
Yes, Chef.
Still waiting on 55 beef, 24 chicken and pepper,
41 dogs, six Greek salads.
Somebody get me a fucking Sharpie that fucking works!
Fuck!
RICHIE: Somebody get baby boy a fucking Sharpie already.
TINA: Yo, Jeff?
Yes!
TINA: We’re outta giardiniera.
Uh, that’s fine. We’ll make it fresh.
Sydney.
SYDNEY: What?
Prep giardiniera, please.
SYDNEY: Fine.
Cousin, out here. Get me a fucking Sharpie.
Get me a fucking Sharpie.
Chef, hey, prep giardiniera.
Fuck, we, uh, fired two more cakes to go.
Fire two more cakes to go.
No. No more orders.
No more fucking Are you fucking deaf?
Oh, I’m s You’re extra fucking confusing today, man.
Sharpie!
(pounds table)
Fuck!
Oh, my God.
FAK: Carmy is very mad.
CARMY: Christ.
Hey, uh, what the fuck are you doing?
What does it look like? I’m helping you.
Uh, don’t. Uh, that’s my vegetables, so
What are you talking about? They’re all going in the same place here.
It was the prep that was assigned to me,
so they are mine.
Let go and go away.
You know, there’s something broken in you.
Alright? You’re being mean and it’s ugly.
You wanna talk about fuckin’ ugly, Richie?
You are a loser.
You’re a loser.
No, Richie.
Yeah.
You’re the fuckin’ loser
who can’t do shit
You’re a conceited
and condescending ribbon of brine
You can’t peel fucking vegetables.
You can’t fucking do shit.
You waste space here. You are a fucking loser.
And that is why you hate that I’m here, right?
Because I see you
for the loser that you fucking are.
And everybody knows it.
I know it. Harvey knows it.
And your daughter probably knows it.
Poor fucking girl.
So how about you go to the register
and do the one fucking thing you know how to do?
Yo, why are being such a fucking bitch right now?
I don’t know, Richie, why am I?
Oh, you gonna fuckin’ stab me?
Yeah, maybe I fucking will.
Yeah?
Giardiniera!
Shut the fuck up!
TINA: Three minutes to open.
Yo, Carmy, I did it.
I figured out what I was doing wrong.
You know, I was trying to make a cake donut
when they should’ve been yeast all along and
CARMY: Marcus, why are you fuckin’ with me?
Why are you fucking with me?
Why are you fucking with me? Why are you fucking with me?
Huh? Get the fuck back to work!
Move.
Holy shit.
SYDNEY: What the fuck?
CARMY: Everybody, fuckin’ idiots!
Yo, Cousin, just fuckin’
CARMY: Shut the fuck up!
(screams)
(gasps)
CARMY: Holy fucking shit!
Fuck. Mother fuck.
PERSON: Yo. We have a customer out here.
I got stabbed. Not right now.
I got stabbed. Son of a fuckin’
Ebra.
CARMY: Open in one minute!
Ebra, I got stabbed.
CARMY: Probably fuckin’ deserved it.
If… MMaybe.
Yo, Louie, how we looking?
LOUIE: Good, uh.
CARMY: Good. Sweet?
LOUIE: Thirtyseven, Chef.
CARMY: Keep going, please. Keep going.
Thank you, Chef.
Ebra, make that fuckin’ fast!
EBRAHEIM: I’m trying.
Ehh… fuck.
Don’t move.
Uh… Is it bad?
Tell me about the fuckin’ factions again.
EBRAHEIM: Stop moving.
Siad Barre caused violence, oppression.
Civil War.
Many factions, many groups,
all fighting for power.
The central government collapsed.
Somalia became a failed state.
Many civilians were killed.
Mohamed Farrah Aidid would not cooperate with United Nations.
United States sent troops to take members of his team,
tried to create peace.
Yeah, but it didn’t create peace, did it?
EBRAHEIM: No, Battle of Mogadishu started
when two helicopters came up
Wait, is this shit fuckin’ Black Hawk Down?
EBRAHEIM: Black Hawk Down.
(scoffs)
Fuckin’ Piven.
EBRAHEIM: Piven.
CARMY: Where the fuck is Marcus?
Yo, Jeff, we gotta open.
CARMY: One minute. 20 more chickens, fire.
TINA: We don’t have anymore.
Fuckin’ find them, God fuckin’ damn it, Tina.
(Tina sighs)
CUSTOMER: You guys have risotto?
TINA: No!
Yo, we good?
RICHIE: Way to keep your thumb up your ass.
CARMY: Chef, we good?
(man yells indistinctly)
We
CARMY: Chef, I can’t hear you!
We are not good.
CARMY: What?
We are not good, Chef.
CARMY: No?
What the fuck you talkin’ about?
CARMY: What’s going on?
Um…
I quit is what’s going on.
CARMY: You quit?
Yeah, Chef.
CARMY: Right now?
I fuckin’ quit.
CARMY: You quit right now?
What are you doing?
You are an excellent chef.
CARMY: What are you doing?
You are also a piece of shit.
CARMY: What are you doing?
This isn’t on me.
What are you doing?
SYDNEY: Good luck.
(metal music playing)
RICHIE: Yo, Cousin, there’s a fuckin’ line.
Are we open or not?
(music continues)
(clears throat)
(audience cheering)
(machine whirring)
(whirring continues)
(cheering continues)
(whirring continues)
