Ted
Season 1 Episode 6
Episode Title: Loud Night
Original release date: January 11, 2024
As Christmas approaches, Blaire’s friend, Sarah, decides to stay with the Bennetts due to a canceled flight. Matty draws the family’s ire after choosing to watch the football game over Susan’s choir solo at church, as well as insulting John’s masculinity and making insensitive remarks about Sarah. Feeling blown off, he makes a wish on a shooting star much like John did in the past, granting sentience to his childhood toy truck, Dennis, who is even more conservative than he is. Both of their beliefs are challenged when Blaire comes out as sexually fluid and reveals that she and Sarah are a couple. The two almost leave before Matty decides to put his family’s happiness first and admits that his beliefs were brought on by his upbringing. Dennis admits that he’s gay as well and was projecting this whole time. After everyone reconciles, he drives away to pursue his new life.
* * *
[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]
♪ ♪
♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
♪ But this is one thing I’m sure of ♪
♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪
♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪
[bright music]
♪ ♪
B7.
Miss.
Again?
Yup.
Jesus, that’s eight misses.
Yes, it is.
Did you put your ships in?
No, I did not.
What the fuck, dude?
While you were militarizing, I allocated my funds toward infrastructure… roads and bridges, schools and hospitals, John. The needs of my people.
That’s not how the game works.
It’s not a game, you son of a bitch!
Jesus, OK.
Sorry, I think I’ve been watching too much M.A.S.H.
Boys, come upstairs. It’s cookie-frosting time.
[sighs] We gonna do this?
Lori Loughlin’s on “Oprah” at 3:00, so I was gonna jerk off. But I guess I can tape it.
You’re a good son.
[timer dings]
♪ ♪
Oh, hey, Sarah.
Hey, Ted.
How’s the pot business?
The… crock pot business is doing just fine, thanks.
Sarah, I don’t think you’ve met my cousin John.
Hi.
Hi.
Sarah’s Blaire’s friend from college. Her trip to California was canceled, so she’s staying with us for Christmas. She’s… [with Indian accent] Indian.
Aunt Suze, you… you don’t have to say that.
[normally] Oh, I don’t mind. Sarah shouldn’t have to tell people she’s Indian.
Thank you.
Aren’t you glad you stayed for this?
Mm.
OK, tools…
Oh, thank you.
For my little assistants here.
Do you want to make the colostomy bag joke, or should I?
Well, Sarah is the guest. Sarah, would you like to make the colostomy bag joke?
I’m all good. Thanks.
Johnny, I need you outside. There’s a raccoon frozen in the ice next to the driveway. I got to chip him out of there.
Well, what do you need me for?
Need you to bag up the pieces for the homeless.
Wait, do you only give stuff to the homeless when you don’t want to go to the dump?
Matty, honey, this is Sarah, Blaire’s Indian friend.
Aunt Suze, you really don’t have to add that.
I had Indian food once. Blew right through me.
I’ll pass that on up the ladder.
Do what you want to do. I’m just telling you what happened. All right, John, let’s go.
Well, actually, I’m helping Mom frost the cookies.
Well, you can do that later.
She asked him first, Matty. You can wait your turn.
Are you kidding me? Jesus Christ, when I was your age, I would have killed to shovel ice with my dad.
Yeah, I can see how chopping up a dead raccoon would be a father-son memory maker.
So you’re not gonna help?
Well, I got a lot of cookies to frost, Dad.
[scoffs] Spoken like a real man.
Which means what?
No, no, no, no, it’s fine. You know what? Stay here and frost your cookies with the ladies. Maybe we can go see a Broadway show after.
Oh, Matty, could we?
So your implication is that John is, what, gay because he’s frosting cookies?
Susan, help me out here.
Look at that. Is that an elf with his big candy cane?
No, it’s a barber pole. The elf just got a haircut.
Oh, I love it. Oh, Matty, come look at the elf’s haircut.
Fuck, Jesus Christ! You know, when I was just a little bit older than you, I was in Vietnam. Did I ever tell you about the time I thought I saw a clown in a field but it was just an inside-out guy? Know what? Forget it. Frost your gay cookies.
Did he just call you gay and then angrily toss his scarf over his shoulder?
Yup.
Maybe he’s still figuring shit out.
Well, it is always the homophobes.
You know, I never understood that word.
What word?
“Homophobe.”
It’s prejudice against gay people.
Yeah, but, like, shouldn’t it mean, like, scared of gay people?
Yeah, I’ve always wondered that too. Like, every other phobe is, like, scared.
That is what “homophobe” means.
No, no, but it’s… it is different, right? Like, in Arachnophobia, Jeff Daniels is scared of spiders because he thinks they’re gonna, like, hurt him or, like, kill him or something.
Yeah, it’s not like, oh, I’m scared of spiders ’cause I think they’re gonna make me a spider or they’re gonna take over the school and teach spider stuff.
Stop talking.
I mean, if I was a homophobe, wouldn’t I see a gay guy and be like, aah, a gay guy! Run!
Is the bear always like this?
I’m so sorry.
[breathing heavily] Whew! Didn’t even run that far. [chuckles] [panting] So… Bollywood, is that you guys?
♪ ♪
Come on, Matty, we’re gonna be late for church.
No, I’m taking the week off. Pats are playing Buffalo.
But it’s the last Sunday service before Christmas Eve. And Father Odell says that if you don’t cultivate a relationship with God, you’re going to hell.
Can’t be worse than one of his sermons.
Well, if he’s that boring, then why is the Boston Globe Spotlight Team doing a big story on him?
Matty, Susan has a choir solo today.
I’ll be at the next one, all right? I promise.
Jesus, it’s 45 fucking minutes. You can’t do this for her?
Oh, it’s all right. He works hard all week. If he wants to rest on a Sunday, let him rest. It’s what the Lord did.
No, it’s not all right, though. He’s acting like a selfish jerk.
I’m selfish? Wait a minute. I work 60 hours a week so that you guys can have a fridge full of Eggos and Fanta.
He’s right. We do take the Fanta for granted.
Here you go, Mom.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Yeah.
Hey, what’s that?
Oh, it’s the toys for the Toys for Tots gift drive.
That’s Dennis the dump truck.
Uh-huh.
You can’t give him away.
Well, it’s been in our basement for years.
Yeah, but I’ve had him since I was a kid. That means a lot to me.
You named your dump truck Dennis?
Keep my truck’s name out your mouth.
Oh, honey, but you never play with it.
Well… well, I’m gonna… I’m gonna start playing with him.
Oh, you’re gonna start playing with it now at fucking 50?
Yes, I’m gonna… I’m gonna start playing with him all the time. Starting right now. See? Vroom, vroom. Oh, yeah, we’ll deliver that peat moss. Yeah, we will. Vroom.
Hey, that looks fun.
Yeah, can we play?
No.
Aw.
Vroom, vroom.
What the fuck is happening?
Vroom. Why are you still here?
Her flight was canceled, so she’s staying with us for Christmas.
Hang on a second. We got company here for the whole holidays and nobody even asked me?
I can find somewhere else to stay if it’s a problem.
No. Please, no. No. Absolutely not.
Susan said it’s fine. Don’t worry about him.
What, I don’t get a say in my own house?
Oh, Matty, I think you’re being a little silly about this.
Nobody ever takes my side in this house ever! It’s always me against everybody else.
Well, maybe somebody would take your side if you weren’t always spreading your shitty mood all over the house.
Fine! Your friend can stay for the week. Go have fun at church. See? I’m nice.
Thank you so much, Mr. Scrooge. And God bless us, every one.
Well, at least Scrooge was a good businessman.
Yeah, and Tiny Tim’s condition was preexisting. Scrooge shouldn’t have to cover it.
Exactly!
Can I play with the truck?
No.
Aw.
[“Silent Night” playing on organ]
♪ ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon virgin ♪
♪ Mother and child ♪
♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
Wait, who describes an infant as mild?
Yeah, I’m more hung up on tender.
Yeah, somebody’s eating this baby.
♪ Peace ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace ♪
Thank you to the choir and to Susan Bennett for that wonderful solo.
Where’s Matty?
Oh, he wasn’t feeling well today.
It’s important that we remember just why we celebrate Christmas. We observe the holiest of all days to rejoice in the glory of the birth of Jesus Christ, born not from the seed of man but from divine origin.
Never before or since have we, God’s children, been blessed by such a miracle.
Excuse me. Yeah, over here. Hi. Ted, local bear. You’re talking about a guy who came alive out of nowhere, right?
Yes.
Yeah, me.
I’m sorry?
I’m just saying, he’s not the only one.
I don’t think that’s the same thing.
Well, you said, never before or since. But…[chuckles] You know, this guy.
The birth of Christ was a heavenly miracle.
I mean, what do you call this? I mean, I don’t see any Pound Puppies or Monchhichis walking around.
Christ’s birth was clearly ordained by God, marked by the star of Bethlehem, a miraculous beacon from the heavens.
There was a star there.
There was a star, right?
Yeah, no, it was a shooting star.
I had a star.
Yeah.
Jesus had a divine purpose. God sent him to us to spread the word that He loves us.
I love you.
Your move, Friar Tuck.
I just want to finish the sermon.
I’m just saying, I might be Jesus. Might. I’m not saying for sure. I’m just saying it’s a possibility. I might be Jesus.
That is incredibly disrespectful.
Says the guy eating babies.
So third and 10.
There he goes.
[crowd yelling]
[whistle blows]
Fucking Patriots! You see that, Dennis?
[groans]
Why couldn’t I have been born in Buffalo? I’d be winning every year. God! Buffalo has it all.
Let’s leave something special for Santa this year: Jell-O Pudding Pops!
Children: Yay!
Santa’s gonna love it. Happy holidays from Jell-O Pudding Pops!
[TV clicks off]
Bet Bill Cosby‘s having a good Christmas. Bet he doesn’t have to deal with a bunch of women telling him he’s a jerk. You know, used to be, the man of the house said his piece, everybody just fell in line. Now it’s like fucking “Jerry Springer” in here. Bet if you could talk, you’d take my side.
“Have another beer, Matty. You’ve earned it.”
Ah, well, thanks, Dennis. I think I will.
“And… and… and take your socks off, Matty. I don’t mind the smell of your feet because I know that’s not something you can control.”
Well, I appreciate that, Dennis. Thank you. Thank you.
“Hey, Matty.”
Yeah?
“Shouldn’t there be a White History Month too?”
Well, Dennis, you said it, not me.
[bright music]
♪ ♪
Ah!
That was a hell of a floss. Nothing feels better than getting stuff out of places, right? Let me know when you want to take a run at that ingrown hair on my neck. Am I still getting the silent treatment? Look, I already said I’m sorry I missed your solo. You know I can’t sit on wood. It aggravates my hemorrhoids. Oh, so my hemorrhoids are my fault, too, I guess, huh? It ain’t the post office down there, Susan. This stuff doesn’t just show up on its own. There’s effort involved. Might get one of those… one of those doughnut pillows. No. You know what? You don’t get to hear about it.
[whimsical music]
♪ ♪
[sighs]
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[birds chirping]
♪ ♪
[grunts]
Hey! You wished me to life, fuck face!
[bright music]
♪ ♪
How the hell did this happen?
Just like it happened with Ted. I was looking out the window. Shooting star flies by. I made a wish.
And here I am.
Is this house cursed?
Hey, Susan, can I smoke in here?
If he smokes, I get to smoke.
I’m sorry, Dennis, if I let you smoke, I’ll have to let all the toys smoke.
Yeah, fuck.
Hey, can I ask you something? How did it feel for you?
Yeah, one minute, nothing. The next, I can talk.
Was there a feeling like acid reflux, like, right after?
Oh, yeah, bad. It also felt like I had to pee, but I couldn’t.
Yup. Same here. Must be what happens when toys come to life.
So you just wished for your truck to come alive?
Not exactly. I wished there was someone in the house who’d back me up in an argument.
Next thing I know, I could move and I hated the fucking Yankees.
Well, I guess it’s a Christmas miracle.
So, like, were there murders here? Like, was a grave desecrated?
Jesus Christ, look at this. Look at this. They’re giving free visas to tech workers.
Oh, fucking A. They’re coming.
Who?
Immigrants.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Really? Him too?
Yeah, those affirmative action bozos are probably jumping for joy.
No shit, watching them take all the goddamn jobs.
You do know affirmative action isn’t about taking things away, right? It’s about including people who’ve been discriminated against.
Oh, come on!
Oh, here we go again with this again.
What a bunch of bullshit.
So you’re saying we should give people jobs based on the color of their skin.
I’m saying that things have been unequal for centuries and we should balance the scales. So yeah.
OK, see, now, that’s racist.
You’re the one who’s defending a white-dominated workforce.
Hey, I don’t care if they’re purple, green, or orange, all right? I just don’t want them Black, brown, or yellow.
Oh, my God, dude, really?
Whoa, Jesus, dude.
Come on, it’s a fucking joke. Relax.
OK, look, brown person over here. Just FYI, my parents moved here from India, and they built a very successful business all on their own. And they had to work twice as hard to do it.
Business owners. All right. OK. Your parents vote for Clinton or Bush?
Well, I mean, they voted for Bush, but I…
Holy shit!
Ah, see, there it is.
There it is.
Check-fucking-mate! See?
This is why Dennis. This is why Dennis!
But I voted for Clinton.
You know what this is? Fucking Republicans. I swear to God, all you guys care about is winning the argument. You don’t care about actual change or justice. It’s all about feeling fake smart for, like, two seconds. Let me ask you this. What about the world beyond you? What about other people and their needs?
Jesus, what are you getting all mad about? You got two broads on the Supreme Court now. You’re winning.
Yeah, there you go, right?
Two out of nine is pretty darn good.
OK. You know what? I am used to taking this crap from Matty, but I’m not gonna take it from some random piece of shit that just came to life. No offense, Ted.
All good.
Come on. Let’s go.
So we just don’t care that I’m Jesus, huh?
Mm.
Oh, my God.
Hi. I was just checking to see if you’re OK after… Well, it looks like you’re OK.
Wait, wait, Aunt Suze. There’s something you should know.
What?
Me and Sarah are… We’re a couple, like, dating.
Yeah.
No.
Both: Yeah.
No. You’re just very good friends.
No. No, that’s not… what you just saw…
What I saw was you expressing your good friendship, just like the girls on the tennis team used to do when I was in school.
You know what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe that’s for the best. We’re just… really good friends.
[chuckles] Wait. What?
Sarah, people in this house think Liberace just had a lot of personality, OK? I think good friends is as far as they’re gonna go.
Gosh, that Liberace sure was full of spunk, wasn’t he?
Blaire, no, OK? I’m tired of this. We keep hiding it everywhere we go.
I know.
It’s bullshit.
OK, well, you think my uncle’s gonna be cool with this?
Oh, come on.
Especially with Dennis around?
Who gives a fuck what he thinks? And why should I care what a fucking toy dump truck thinks about my sexuality?
There’s a sentence you don’t hear every day.
Wouldn’t it be easier to just tell them we’re more than good friends?
I really think that if we just take a minute, we’d be saving ourselves a lot of stress, all right, at least till after Christmas.
We have very little going on January 3rd.
Great. Yeah, that works.
All right.
Thank you, Suze.
January 3rd, put it on the calendar.
[sighs] Oh, my God, did I tell you somebody broke into my car and whacked off on the dashboard?
Yes, like, 50 fucking times.
Right. Fuck, Sarah, it’s the holidays. Can we not turn on each other?
Fine. Let me braid your hair.
Thank you.
OK, we can’t read this whole thing.
Well, if we’re gonna figure out if I’m actually Jesus, we at least got to skim it.
I have never seen pages so thin.
I know. It’s like Kleenex with boring stories on it.
You know, I was thinking. How do we know that Dennis isn’t Jesus?
Johnny, Jesus walked on water, all right? Walked! That means he had feet, not wheels.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Oh, wait, hang on. Stop right there. Look, look, look. Matthew 21:31, “Truly I say to you, the tax collectors and prostitutes go into the kingdom of heaven before you.” Look at that. Jesus hangs out with hookers.
Yeah, and he says there’s hookers in heaven too. He sounds a lot like you.
Oh, yeah, heaven is probably mostly hookers.
Wait, so you’re paying for sex in heaven?
You’re not paying them for sex. You’re paying them to fly away.
Oh. Let’s see. “And behold, I come quickly, and my reward is with me to give”…
What was that first part?
“Behold, I come quickly.”
Jesus said that?
Yeah.
Yeah, that’s not the kind of thing I’d start with “behold.” What else? Well, look, look, look. Right there. Right there. John the apostle. Jesus had an apostle named John.
Holy shit. Those were, like, his buddies, right? Yeah, yeah, there was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Johnny, Blitzen, and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. There’s no doubt anymore. I’m the Lord Jesus Christ.
Holy shit. Does this mean you have, like, powers and stuff?
Yeah, but I probably got to learn how to use them. Flip to the spells.
OK, spells, spells, spells.
Spells, spells, spells. Wonder what my alignment is.
Chaotic good.
Ah, yeah, yeah. Good, but, like, you know, I might fuck around a little bit.
Yeah.
Shit, we supposed to have dice?
[light music]
♪ ♪
Hey, Matty, a Jew, a Polack, and a Black guy walk into a bar…
Oh, my fucking God. Really?
Wow.
Hey, watch the language.
Tell your stupid truck that. He’s telling racist jokes.
I’m not racist. The punch line wasn’t gonna be about the Black guy. It was gonna be about the Jew… and, to a lesser extent, about the Polack and a little bit about the Black guy’s penis.
See?
The point is, none of them knew how deep the water was.
Ow! Hey! This is assault! I’m being assaulted here! So much for the nonviolent left.
It’s Christmas Eve. Can’t we just have a nice dinner together?
Yes, we can. It’s a beautiful ham, Aunt Susan.
Thank you.
Yeah, everything looks really great.
Thank you, girls. Thank you.
You want some of this?
Yes, please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
What? What? What?
It’s Christmas Eve. We got to say grace, thank the Lord.
You’re welcome.
[sighs] Fine.
Dennis, would you like to do the honors?
Absolutely. Bow your heads. Dear Lord…
Yes.
Thank you for this food…
No problem.
And for these blessings…
Anytime.
Make us thankful.
On it.
And may we serve you…
Mashed potatoes.
What the fuck? You want to say grace?
Nah, I’d feel like an asshole.
Amen.
Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis.
Now you can eat.
Oh, yeah, thank you so much for your permission.
Hey, you know, I hope the PC thought police over at that college don’t kick you out for praying to Jesus.
You know, 70% of the world doesn’t even believe in Jesus.
I’ll get them.
Yeah, those are all the starving countries with no food.
Oh, so God loves Americans more, is that the theory?
Yeah, not for long if Slick Willy fucks things up by putting gays in the military. For God’s sake, what would Reagan say?
[scoffs] Right now? Probably something about choo-choo trains.
Would anyone like some mushroom caps?
Uncle Matty, do you agree with Dennis that gay people shouldn’t serve?
I think it’s a bad idea.
Why?
You want to put a gay guy in a barracks with 20 regular guys? What happens when they all got to shower?
I don’t know, Matty. What happens?
Plus, the Bible says no butt stuff, or you go to hell.
Hey, where’s the spell section?
So it’s immoral too?
Gay people should all go to hell, that’s what you think?
Listen, I don’t care! Anybody can stick anything anywhere they want, as long as it’s not in the army and not in my house.
Well, then I guess Sarah and I aren’t welcome here.
What do you mean?
Sarah and I are a couple.
Called it, Johnny.
Motherfucker.
Blaire, I thought we were gonna do this on January 3rd.
Wait a minute. You… the two of you?
Oh, my God.
Mm.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
What the fuck is this?
What are you gonna do about it?
You’re gay?
Fluid.
What the hell does that mean?
It means that I’m attracted to personalities regardless of their gender.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You’re attracted to personalities, and you picked her?
Hey! Oh, fuck you. You’ve met six people.
It’s that college.
It’s that college!
Oh, my God.
Susan, what am I always saying?
College turns people gay.
College turns people gay. Absolutely right! Out there on the lawn every weekend, tossing the Frisbee around.
How the fuck is Frisbee gay?
It’s a sport where nobody wins.
It’s only about the fun.
So what?
And what’s this? What’s this, doing this all the time, huh? That’s not a man’s sport.
You might as well be on a balcony waving goodbye to your lover.
Making those clap catches, like you’re front row at Elton John.
Oh, the clap catch.
Yeah, clap catching your Wham-O Frisbee.
You know why it’s called Wham-O? You turn around, you bend over to pick up up your Frisbee, and wham-o!
Oh, you know what?
You wish you were a Frisbee, you little shit. And I’m so sorry that our sexual orientation is so offensive to everyone. Merry fucking Christmas. Come on, Sarah.
Blaire. Blaire, honey, wait.
Thank you.
Matty, please apologize to her.
Me?
Yes, you.
She should be apologizing to God.
Oh, he says it’s fine. No worries.
But it’s the holidays.
I’m not gonna apologize to her! She just made a spectacle in front of the entire family and in front of the ham!
Well, you know what? This is my ham, and you’re not having a piece of the ham until you say you’re sorry.
You know what? I don’t need any ham! I got all the Slim Jims I need in the basement! Come on, Dennis.
Good call, Buddy.
All I wanted was a nice Christmas.
OK, what do you say we try one of them spells, huh? Water into wine, here we go. Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho. Meka leka hi, meka chiney ho. All right, try it.
Still water.
Fuck! Oh, you know what? It’s ’cause we don’t have the wand.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
[knock at door]
[sighs]
What?
Hey, we brought you some ham in case you’re still hungry.
Where is it?
Oh.
Yeah, it’s touching a five, so…
Oh, look at that.
[grunts] What do you guys want?
We just wanted to see how you’re doing.
Shitty.
Wait, you’re leaving?
Yeah, I thought I’d go somewhere a little more tolerant, like Iran.
Listen, Blaire, we just wanted to say, you know, Teddy and I are totally cool with you being… you know, just in case you were wondering.
I don’t need your approval.
No. Yeah, I know that, but…
No, I… sorry, I get what you meant. Thanks.
Cool. I mean, we love lesbians.
Yeah, like, a lot. Like, we found some magazines in the woods…
I get it.
Question… and I hope I’m not out of line here… but is it ’cause… I mean, did you get a bad dick?
Yeah, that’s not how it works. Look, I’m not 100% one way or the other. I just… I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to. Also, I got a bad dick. [laughter]
Oh, my God!
Oh, that’s awesome.
That’s awesome.
Ah, no. That’s just a comedy freebie for you guys. It’s bullshit, all right?
Thank you. Thank you for the Christmas dick joke.
[groans] Shit. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to share a house with somebody who treats me like I have some fucking disease? Guess there’s no chance he’s gonna apologize.
You know, if I can offer a bit of Christly wisdom, Blaire? You’re smarter than he is, so you might have to go talk to him.
Oh, fuck that. I am not extending an olive branch to somebody who’s against basic equality.
Well, that’s the thing, Blaire. I don’t think he’s really even against anything. Think he just didn’t want to look stupid in front of his truck.
[scoffs] Listen to yourself!
OK, then don’t do it for Dad. Do it for Mom.
Look, she’s really bummed out right now, and it’s all just ’cause Christmas is messed up. Look, I know it’s gonna suck, but…
But it’s like I say in the book of Romulans: turn the other cheek. Do unto others. Say it, don’t spray it. I’ll have what she’s having.
You’re an idiot.
Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle?
Four hell points.
Four hell points.
What the fuck is a hell point?
It’s how I determine which of my children, who I love, will be tortured forever.
Oh, God. Ugh, all right, all right, I’ll… I’ll talk to him.
Usually a day or two in traction…
Now, wait a minute, Frank, I’m the doctor here.
I thought I was the doctor here.
Actually, we’re all doctors here. Even the patient’s a doctor here.
Hear, hear.
Will you clowns act like professionals?
All right, I got one for you. So an airplane’s about to crash, right? A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and yells, we’re all gonna die! Someone make me feel like a real woman! The guy sitting next to her takes off his shirt, and he says, here, iron this.
[cackles]
Right?
Yeah, right.
That’s a good one.
Yeah, see, that’s how it’s gonna be down here. Just you and me and jokes about chicks doing chores.
Matty?
Oh, boy, here comes Raggedy Lesbi-Ann.
[sighs] Dennis, I’d like to talk to my uncle. Can you give us a second?
Hey, anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of Dennis here.
[sighs] Fine. Look, I don’t expect us to agree on politics, all right? That’s just never gonna happen. But this isn’t about politics. This is about who I am. Matty… like it or not, we’re family. I don’t talk to my parents anymore, so you and Aunt Suze are all I’ve got. I don’t want to lose you too. I’m your niece, and I just… I just think it’s really fucking shitty and unfair that you can’t accept me for who I am.
Hey, it’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.
So all the fucked-up things that he says, is that really what you think too?
Don’t back down, Matty. This is your house.
Well, then I guess you’re an intolerant prick, just like he is. Have a good Christmas with truck Hitler. I’m out of here.
Jesus, they always bring up Hitler when they’re losing an argument. And by the way, not everything he did was…
I need another beer.
Why didn’t you tell her off?
What the hell was I supposed to say?
You remind her who pays the bills around here. You tell her to stop giving God the finger.
Ah. You don’t know nothing.
Oh, no shit? Well, now I see why Johnny’s the way he is.
What do you mean?
Your son is 16. He ain’t got a girlfriend. He doesn’t play sports. He spends all of his time in his room with a teddy bear doing fuck knows what. For all you know, he’s minty.
Minty? What the fuck is minty?
You know, he’s trimming the crust off the bread.
What?
He’s raking his leaves at night. He ain’t throwing away all his peach pits, if you know what I’m saying.
I don’t have a fucking clue.
He’s picking his eggshells out of the compost. Come on, you know what I mean. Your kid’s a cheese puncher.
Hey, don’t talk to me about my son, you asshole!
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, I’m the only one in this house who doesn’t lie to you.
[indistinct chatter over TV]
I know what I’m gonna do.
Great. Let’s go.
You stay here.
Hey, can you change the channel to the game? Ah, look at this. Fucking Clinton.
You guys in separate beds?
Yeah.
Good.
[sighs]
[engine grinding]
What?
I grew up different. I’m… but I’m not one of those guys. I mean, I don’t understand how you can do what you do…
OK.
But… but… but… I don’t want you to feel unwelcome in my house.
Uh-huh.
I’m not great with this stuff. But… It’s good that you’re here… for John.
Sure.
The other day, I farted, and he said it was pungent. And I guess that’s a word. So he’s learning stuff with you around. And Christmas is just a whole thing for Susan too. So yeah, she wants you here. And I… I don’t want to be a shitty uncle. I’m sorry.
I’m not the only one you disrespected.
Sarah… you’re invited to Christmas. And I’m sorry that I called you a terrorist.
You… you never called me that.
Oh, that’s right. You were out of the room.
[sighs] Well, what about Dennis?
I guess he’s got to go.
Son of a bitch.
Hey. Dennis?
[shouts]
[grunts]
[yells]
I’m the one you’re gonna get rid of, you piece-of-shit fuck face?
Jesus, what the fuck are you trying to do, kill me?
I come to life for you, and this is the thanks I get? Huh?
[grunts]
What have you got to say for yourself?
I don’t want to kick you out, Dennis, but my family comes first!
Oh, come the fuck on.
It ain’t worked out with you the way I thought it would.
I backed you up every time, just like you wanted.
I didn’t want to make my niece cry, for God’s sakes. Why you got to be such a prick?
Oh, what, so now you’re on her side?
I’m not on anybody’s side. But… she’s not hurting anybody, God damn it.
It’s hurting society. This is why Kennedy blew his own brains out in Dallas.
What the fuck?
Oh, don’t be naive.
What the hell is your problem?
Oh, oh, I’m the one with the problem?
Yeah. Why the fuck are you digging in like this? I want to know.
You want to know why, Matty?
Yeah.
You want to know why?
Why?
Because I have thoughts of men!
What?
I have thoughts of men. Sexual thoughts. I want to do to men what you want to do to women.
You’re saying…
I’m gay, Matty. I’m gay.
Oh.
God, I… I can’t believe I just said it.
Uh…
Ah, shit! What the fuck have I been doing? I’ve wasted my whole goddamn life, three days down the drain, and I’ve never allowed myself to love.
[sobs, sniffles]
Well, I mean…
[sobbing]
You could always…
Ah, it’s too late now.
I’m old and I’m rusty. I don’t know what to do, Matty. I don’t know what to do or who to be or how to be it.
[sobbing]
Oh, God.
When I was a kid…
[dramatic music]
You were always there for me.
♪ ♪
Well, I’m gonna be there for you.
[sobbing]
♪ ♪
I love you, pal.
[sobbing]
♪ ♪
So I guess this is it.
Yeah.
Thanks, Dennis.
For what?
All those years growing up. Mom and Dad fighting in the other room. Hell, fighting in the same room. Playing with you was what got me through it.
Nuh-uh. Thank you, Matty, for being who you are. I don’t think there’s a more tolerant man in the greater Boston area.
That’s probably true.
You sure you don’t want a sweater, Dennis?
No, no. I work hard on my body. I want everyone to see it.
So where you gonna go?
I’m going to P-Town. Got a lot of catching up to do. Gonna be wild, nonstop sucking, fucking, and trucking for this guy. Goodbye, Bennetts.
[uplifting music]
♪ ♪
Well, I Jesus-ed the shit out of that one.
You? You didn’t do anything.
Eh, I worked in mysterious ways.
How?
Where there was only one set of footprints, that’s where I carried you.
You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. You barely moved.
When it most appears I’m not Jesus, that’s when you need faith.
Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right?
Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper, and they gave him the chocolate factory. I mean, I think that’s what happened. I’m reading, like, two books at once.
They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins.
Wait, what?
It was so nice of him to let them do that for us, wasn’t it?
They killed him?
Yeah.
Oh, shit. Yeah, fuck that. I’m out. Wait, maybe I’m Buddha. Buddha was lazy, right?
♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪
This is a lot of good shit. Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.
Oh, you’re welcome, John-John.
Hey, thanks for this, Johnny. I been wanting a Talkboy. Now I can record all my thoughts. Douche.
Douche.
Now I won’t forget.
Blaire, open that one up. That one’s from me.
♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪
Gingerly.
♪ Gone away is the bluebird ♪
Oh… wow.
I know how much you girls love those “Beverly Hills 90210” boys.
Ian Ziering. Thank you.
It’s for your room.
Yeah, no, I know what it’s for. Thank you, Aunt Suze.
Should we go hang it up right now?
Oh, you know what? I want to think really hard about where I want to put it, you know?
OK.
It’s just too special, so…
All right.
You happy, Susan?
Oh, Matty, I’m so happy. I love it.
Yeah, they said this one had the most sucking power.
I’m sure it sucks wonderfully.
[laughter]
Oh, you know what? I almost forgot. There’s one more.
♪ When you’re in town ♪
♪ Later on, we’ll conspire ♪
♪ As we dream ♪
Merry Christmas, Susan.
♪ By the fire ♪
♪ To face unafraid the plans that we made ♪
♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪
[gasps]
♪ ♪
A karaoke machine!
Yeah, I figured you could sing… you know, your solo.
♪ ♪
I love you so much. Oh, honey, thank you. Oh.
[“Silent Night” playing]
♪ ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon virgin ♪
♪ Mother and child ♪
♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace ♪
♪ Sleep ♪
♪ In heavenly peace ♪
[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]
♪ Oh, you’ve got a headful of someone dreadful ♪
♪ And yet, alas, that someone adores you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪
♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪
♪ I’m just a clown ♪
♪ And I’ll bring you down ♪
♪ But you just don’t care ’cause your ♪
♪ Best friend is me ♪
♪ ♪
