Sex Education – Series 3 Episode 5 [Transcript]

Vivid history collides with real awkwardness in France as the poo hits a windshield and friends slam on the brakes. A spark reignites. Jean explodes.
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Sex Education - Season 3 Poster

Original release date: September 17, 2021

* * *

[toilet flushing]

Hmm.

[“Mon Amour Mon Ami” by Marie Laforêt playing]

[moans]

Quite specific.

[moans softly]

Come on, Eugene. Just get to the boobs.

[exhales sharply]

[murmuring]

[knocking at door]

[girl shouts in Mandarin]

[in English] Wait a minute, please! Merci.

[girl speaking Mandarin]

[knocking at door]

[girl shouts in Mandarin]

[girl speaking Mandarin]

[in English] What the fuck?

What the fuck?

I… I’m sorry.

My boyfriend referred to my vagina as a “lady flower.”

Dump him immediately.

[song continues playing]

Ah, merci.

[Emily] We are at Beaumont-Hamel, a preserved battlefield of the Somme.

British troops suffered over 19,000 fatalities here on their first day, making it one of the bloodiest days

in British Army history.

Mr. Hendricks.

Thank you, Miss Sands. Now, some rules.

[in high-pitched voice] “Rules? But you’re the fun one.”

[in normal voice] I know, Ruby, I am, but from now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Okay, so Miss Sands will now divide you into groups.

Did you hear about Ruby?

I know. Can you imagine getting dumped by Otis Milburn?

[Colin] During that time, I want your full uniforms on.

The entire time.

I don’t wanna see any loose ties. We’re representing the school today, guys.

So that means no drama.

Otis, these guys.

No, miss, he can’t be in our group.

He’s a twat.

It’s fine, miss. It’s the least I could do.

After all, I did break his heart.

Oh, that would make a lot more sense, actually.

Uh, miss, will I get to hold a gun?

[Emily] No. You’ve already asked. You won’t get to hold a bomb either.

[Eric humming]

Eric, no.

You cannot wear that.

Why not? It’s just my tracksuit.

You don’t want to draw attention to yourself in Nigeria.

It’s dangerous for you. It’s not like here.

What do you mean for me, Mum?

You know what I mean.

Go and change now.

Come on! I want everyone packed in the next half an hour!

[emotional music playing]

[Steve] I wish I was in your group. I don’t know those guys.

You’ll be okay. And it’s good to make new friends.

Now, off you go, you silly sausage.

I know this is bad, but Steve is making me feel so arachnophobic.

Do you mean claustrophobic?

Arachnophobic means you’re scared of spiders.

Oh! No, I love spiders.

I love their hairy legs.

[chuckles]

How many people died here, do you think?

[phone chimes]

A lot.

[Aimee] What were they fighting over?

[Maeve] That’s a good question.

How’s your new best pal, Hope?

She’s just checking in.

She’s just using you.

Well, I’m using her too. That’s how you get ahead in life.

Okay. If you’re cool with that.

I am.

[Cal] It. Marchetti!

[Jackson] Oh!

Your country needs you.

[laughs]

Hey, Viv.

[Viv] Hey, Cal.

Come to the student forum and talk about the uniform thing.

You clearly feel strongly about it.

Oh, thank you, but no thank you.

Other students would benefit from the issue being raised.

Well, then they can raise it.

Race you to the top. Three, two, one, go!

[phone chimes]

[scoffs]

Ruby, can we talk?

Don’t look at her. Don’t speak to her. Don’t breathe.

I’m trying to apologize.

Stop talking. It’s triggering for Ruby.

[soulful song playing]

♪ Dressed in black ♪

♪ You’re always dressed in black ♪

♪ And you come to me by night ♪

♪ Beneath my windowsill ♪

♪ And you’re always dressed in black ♪

♪ And you say, “Don’t make a sound” ♪

♪ You leave before… ♪

[Jean] Jakob, I’ll wait for you in the car.

Yeah, yeah, coming.

[song ends]

Hi, I’m Hope Haddon. I’m here to see Dr. O’Dern.

Jean Milburn.

Yes.

I’m Hope.

New head teacher at Moordale.

Yes. I know who you are.

You must be exhausted.

New hit book and a baby on the way.

Yes, it is a bit full-on at the minute, but I like to keep busy.

How are you enjoying the transition to Moordale?

A lot of things needed addressing, as I’m sure you’re aware.

You deal with some of it in your book.

Oh, you’ve read it.

I skimmed.

It’s an interesting take,

but we have different perspectives when it comes to teaching children.

Yes. I’ve seen your new SRE curriculum.

It looks a lot like you’re advocating abstinence to me.

It isn’t so much about abstinence as it is about restraint,

which I think is an important attribute,

particularly for teenagers who should be focusing on their education.

Unfortunately, restraint doesn’t mix very well with raging hormones.

I think that’s giving teenagers less credit than they’re due.

Sorry. I gave you the wrong form. This one’s for the older mummies.

It was lovely to meet you.

Yes.

[Jean] If you’re open to discussing this further,

I’d be very interested in telling you more about my perspective.

[chuckles] Okay. I’ll see if I can find some time.

[chuckles] Fantastic.

[Steve] A bit awkward, isn’t it?

I’m currently with your ex-girlfriend,

and, you know, you stole Rahim’s boyfriend.

That’s what I mean by awkward, you know?

I thought if I said it out loud, it’d make it less tense, but it didn’t.

I dated Aimee as well. Should we check out these trenches?

I, uh, I didn’t steal your boyfriend.

That’s exactly what you did.

[Kyle] I really liked Aimee, you know?

[Steve] Oh yeah?

She was really nice. And a total fuck machine.

You’re a lucky guy.

That’s so inappropriate.

Shrooms?

No, thanks.

[Jackson] Why did you say no to Viv about the uniform thing?

What’s the point? Not like it would change anything.

Well, you could try. Maybe Hope might…

Dude.

Let’s just have fun. Okay?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Mushrooms, anybody?

Oh. Ooh!

Oh.

What do you reckon?

Okay.

[Steve] Hey, guys! I found a bunker.

[Viv] What would you like me to bring up at the student forum?

Well, I think we should have free pads and tampons at school.

Mm-hmm. See, that is a great idea.

Could you take a picture of me with this guy?

Yeah, sure.

[phone chimes]

Who’s Eugene, and what does he wanna do with your sweet crevice?

He’s my boyfriend, and, um, we’ve been sexting.

Apparently, his fantasy is medieval maidens.

Hm.

And he calls his dick a sheath.

Yes, and my vagina a lady flower. Gives me the ick.

But you like fantasy stuff.

I love me some Dungeons and Dragons when it’s a game, not when I’m DTF.

Maybe you should try and get into it. You might be surprised.

Ola didn’t know about alien role-play. Now she fucking loves it.

Okay. Well, I guess I can try.

I’ll help you. I’m basically an erotica genius.

“Men slept 12 to a bunker in four-hour shifts.”

“Rats bit off chunks of their flesh while they slept.”

Brutal.

[Cal] “Meat was saved for battles.”

“So that meant getting a good meal

meant you might be killed the next day.”

It says, “During World War I, 250,000 boys under 18 were recruited.”

Same age as us.

Crazy to think people used to have to go to war.

Some still do. We’re just lucky.

[recorded voice speaking French]

What are we supposed to be looking at? It’s basically a fucking junkyard.

Why couldn’t we have gone to the Eiffel Tower? Better for selfies.

I think we’re supposed to imagine what it was like here back then.

[Otis] Did you hear something, Olivia?

Must have been the wind or a war ghost.

What are you looking at?

Yeah. Stop it.

She hates you.

Thank you for the support, but I can deal with this by myself.

[Ruby] Hm?

I do feel awful, Ruby.

I didn’t want to hurt you,

and I feel worse thinking that you hate me.

I don’t hate you, Otis.

It’d be so much easier if I did.

I just can’t be around you at the moment, okay?

I… I get it. I’m glad you don’t hate me.

All right. Come on, let’s go. [whistles] [in French] Come on!

[in English] Is that it? We’ve only been here half an hour.

France is so shit.

[Aimee] What’s a conscientious objector?

It was when men refused to go to war because it went against their beliefs.

Wow.

I wanna stand up for what I believe in more.

Like you in SRE the other day.

[Maeve chuckles]

I’d never be brave enough to do something like that.

You could definitely do that, Aimee.

[clears throat] I, um, hooked up with Isaac the other day.

What? Get in!

[chuckles]

What was it like?

It was good.

Yeah. We just get each other.

Think I’m gonna give it a proper go with him.

You do know Otis and Ruby broke up.

Yeah, I heard.

What about it?

Oh, I just thought maybe…

Maybe what?

Well, I…

I thought you guys might…

I said I wanna give it a go with Isaac.

What Otis does isn’t my business anymore.

Okay. Cool.

I’m so happy for you.

Thanks, mate.

[phone chimes]

Oh, fuck off, Anna.

What’s going on with Anna?

She paid for this trip without asking. It’s pissed me off.

She didn’t pay for it. I did.

What do you mean?

You said you couldn’t afford it, so I asked my mum to pay.

I knew you wouldn’t take the money.

Why did you do that?

It’s no big deal. I wanted you to come.

You don’t have to pay me back. Money doesn’t matter to me.

It does to me.

[whimsical music playing]

We should get on the coach.

“I want to remove your codpiece and release your beautiful sheath,

then let you make love to me in a glen full of bluebells

where you will water my hidden peach with your prince’s tongue.”

No, I’m not gonna send that. It’s just not me.

Thank you though. You keep thinking about the student forum.

Some people have no imaginations, I guess.

Lil, I wouldn’t mind if we had sex without the alien stuff sometimes.

I’ve been meaning to say something. I didn’t know how to.

Why?

I didn’t wanna make you feel weird.

No. Why don’t you wanna do the alien stuff? I thought you liked it.

I do sometimes. Sometimes it’s a little bit strange.

I’m gonna get on the bus.

[Colin] Let’s go!

Aw, Lil!

[Colin in French] Let’s go!

[in English] We’re off to another cemetery, and I am pumped.

I mean, I’m moderately excited, and I will be monitoring your behavior.

Shit, we’re running 15 minutes late!

Are we?

Yeah.

Terry, I will give you 20 euros if you can get us back on schedule.

Done.

Great.

Come on, Quentin, for fuck’s sake! What, do you wanna marry France?

Jesus!

[Colin] Terry!

[“Hot Topic” by Le Tigre playing]

[horn honking repeatedly]

Seat belt, Colin.

♪ Tammy Rae Carland and Sleater-Kinney ♪

♪ Vivienne Dick and Lorraine… ♪

You wanna get Kyle to swap seats? He can sit with Steve.

No, thanks. I’m fine.

They were too young to die, Maeve.

Some of them were our age.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Please don’t stop ♪

♪ Hot topic is the way that we rhyme ♪

♪ Don’t you stop ♪

[PA announcement chime]

[doctor] Okay, Hope.

So, seeing as it’s only been six weeks since your last round of IVF treatment,

I’m going to advise waiting a little longer before trying again.

I’d rather not wait too long.

Have you thought about other options, such as adoption?

I’ve been asked this before.

I’ve thought about it, and I am not ready to stop trying to have my own child yet.

Can I ask about how this is affecting your relationship with your husband?

Infertility treatments can cause strain…

We’re fine.

He couldn’t make it today because of work.

When can I book another round?

I’m not prepared to offer you another round yet.

I’ll have to talk to another doctor, then.

You can see Dr. Ennis when he’s back from holiday next week,

but I think he’ll tell you the same thing.

I want a second opinion.

[coins clattering]

[machine beeps]

[sighs]

[whimsical music playing]

[machine whirring]

[liquid spraying]

[whimsical music continues]

[screams, grunts]

[muttering in Swedish]

[machine stops]

[liquid spraying]

[machine stops]

[muttering in Swedish]

Jean Milburn.

Uh, yes. I’m just waiting for my partner.

[whimsical music continues]

[Jean sighs]

[ultrasound machine pulsing]

Everything looks normal.

You don’t wanna know the sex. Have you changed your mind?

No, thanks.

I’d rather wait.

[doctor] Many older mothers make that choice.

They want to focus on getting through the pregnancy safely.

Now, you are aware there’s a higher chance of miscarriage, genetic abnormalities, fetal growth…

Yes. I’ve been reminded of the risks many times. Thank you.

I didn’t go into this lightly.

Yes. Modern science is allowing women like yourself to have babies older and older now.

You don’t sound as if you approve.

Well, it’s easy to forget that being an elderly parent can have a negative effect on your children’s lives.

Do you have children, Doctor?

Uh, yeah, two.

Hm.

And do you think having a king-sized arsehole for a father had a negative impact on their lives too?

I want to talk to your superior.

[indistinct chattering]

Is it true you don’t wank anymore?

What are you talking about?

Everyone says that Eric broke your heart, so now you can’t wank anymore.

Please stop speaking.

If I don’t wank every day, my balls go blue.

I don’t need to know that.

Excuse me.

[whimsical music playing]

You going for a wank?

No, I’m not going for a wank.

[Ola] I don’t know why you’re taking it personally.

I’m embarrassed.

I’ve been dressing up as an alien, and you’ve been thinking it’s strange.

Not strange strange.

Just sometimes, I wanna be in the real world when I’m having sex, not a silly fantasy land.

Oh, so now having sex with me is silly?

[“Zou Bisou Bisou” by Gillian Hills playing]

[echoing] Cal.

[echoing] Jackson.

What?

[echoing] Have you ever noticed how we’re on a trip, but we’re on a trip?

[echoing] Fuck, that’s so deep.

Yeah.

[echoing voice deepens]

[echoing laugh]

[echoing] Cal?

[Jackson] Do you see that?

[Cal] Yeah.

[echoing] Should we go? We should. Let’s go.

Yeah?

[echoing] Yeah.

[“Zou Bisou Bisou” continues playing]

All right, let’s go.

You’ll always be head boy, Marchetti.

[echoing] What the fuck?

[song ends]

[toilet water splashes]

[groans]

[exhales sharply]

This door leads to another portal.

[groans]

[toilet partially flushing]

[knocking at door]

A minute.

[toilet partially flushing]

[knocking at door]

Wait a minute!

[Rahim] One minute, please.

Oh fuck!

No, no, no, no, no! [groans]

Let us in!

Set us free!

[Rahim] Wait a fucking minute!

[Rahim] Ah!

[knocking at door continues]

[groans]

[sighs]

[Jackson] Come on!

[whimsical music playing]

It’s cool.

[breathes deeply, groans]

[knocking at door continues]

What are you doing in there?

[groans]

[exhales]

[groans]

[“Allez Donc Vous Faire Bronzer” by Sacha Distel playing]

[groans]

[water splashing]

[groans]

Hey.

[groans]

[song continues playing]

[screaming]

[exclaiming]

[screaming]

[all screaming]

Oh my God!

[song continues distorted]

[screaming]

[song continues as normal]

Sir!

Terry, get a grip on her!

[tires screeching]

[all exclaim]

[song ends]

Is everyone okay? What the hell happened?

Something hit that car.

I think It was a bat! I hope it’s not dead.

[Jean] A doctor should not be putting his opinions about my pregnancy on me.

It’s completely inappropriate.

Oy vey.

It’s patriarchy in action, in fact.

Dissecting a woman’s choices in the cruelest manner.

And in a hospital!

Hey, what’s happening?

I just had the most horrible experience with a doctor, and I am making a formal complaint.

Sorry. We are upset.

No, we are not upset.

I am upset.

And my anger is appropriate.

Can you help us? Thank you.

Let me call my supervisor.

Oh! Ha! That is fantastic. Yes, ignore the pregnant woman, and listen to the straight white man, for fuck’s sakes.

Jean, calm down.

Don’t you tell me to calm down, Jakob. Where were you?

I told you, I was trying to get us some tea.

Well, fuck the fucking tea.

I needed you in the room.

How can I help you?

Oh, that’s fantastic. Another one.

[exhales sharply]

[groans]

[indistinct chattering]

[speaking French]

[in English] I don’t think that was a bat.

It’s a poo!

It’s human poo.

I think I’m gonna vomit.

[in French] One of your students threw poo at my car!

Yes. Okay.

[in English] Anyone know what he’s saying? Who speaks French properly?

Rahim, please.

Um, he says, “At least no one was hurt.”

[in French] Yes.

I saw an arm throw it out of the window.

[in English] And he says that we should carry on driving now.

[in French] It was him. It was him! He has no sock!

It was him who threw the poo at my car!

[laughs]

[in English] He thinks he knows me. I don’t know you, sir. I’m sorry.

No, you wouldn’t know us. We’re from Moordale, England.

I think someone threw it from our coach.

The toilet’s blocked, and the window’s open.

[students groan]

Oh my God!

Did someone throw this poo from that coach?

[whispers] What if it was me?

[Colin] Huh?

It’s not you, Jackson.

I poo all the time.

[Colin] Someone own up, please.

I’m just a tube.

Did they put it in a sock?

[Colin] Don’t touch it.

It could be evidence. Jesus Christ. Oh my God!

[phone ringing]

Oh good. Hope’s calling me. Hope.

Ignore it, Colin.

[ringing stops]

Jesus Christ. Do you guys think this is funny?

Do you?

Do you have any idea the kind of pressure Miss Sands and I are under?

Someone is gonna take responsibility for this flying feces!

Anyone? No?

Okay. I didn’t wanna have to do this, but, boys, trousers up.

We’re checking socks, mate. Trousers up!

Steve. Other one.

Great.

Milburn.

Really?

Yes!

[Colin] Socks. Good.

[Colin] Excellent. Thank you. Not yours, mate.

Jackson. Good. Excellent.

Come on.

Good.

It was my poo, sir.

[students groan]

[Adam] I panicked and…

It’s my poo.

I blocked the toilet. I was embarrassed…

I also poo sometimes.

Oh God, don’t we all? What is this, Spartacus?

Maybe it was my poo. Maybe it’s Miss Sands’ poo.

[boy] What?

She’s more than capable.

We don’t have time for that now.

Adam, clean this up. I don’t care how. Okay?

Thank you, Adam Groff, for owning up to doing this huge poo and undermining my authority.

Thank you. Cheers, buddy.

Cheers, mate. No. No.

No. Fuck him. Fuck him.

Okay, let’s all relax. Yeah?

If anyone needs to use the toilets, they’re over here.

Be back here in 15 minutes.

Thank you.

[indistinct chattering]

[phone chimes]

[man speaking French]

[man speaking French]

[man speaking French]

[in English] Everyone thinks I’m an idiot anyway. I wanna go home.

I thought you hated me.

No.

I don’t hate you.

But I’m not touching your poo, mate. So…

[man speaking French]

[man speaking French]

[Rahim speaking French]

[man, Rahim speaking French]

[both groan]

Oh, what manner of beast!

[Colin gags, groans]

[water burbling]

[Colin groans]

[water splashing]

When I decided to be a teacher…

Mm-hmm.

…I dreamt of helping students fulfill their potential by gently drawing out their inner creative gifts.

Instead, I’m plunging their shit.

You are majestic.

[groans, gags]

[indistinct singing]

[both moaning]

[Aimee] Maeve.

Can we talk?

Not right now, Aimee.

[Aimee] Why are you acting like this? I wanted to pay.

You don’t get it. [sighs]

What is it that I don’t get?

We live in completely different worlds.

I’m not rich like you.

I can’t decide to be a baker just ’cause I like toast.

[tearfully] That’s a fucking mean thing to say.

Yeah, well, sorry, but it’s true.

I wanted to do something nice. That’s all.

You never accept help from anyone, ever, ’cause you’re too proud.

I wanted to do a nice thing.

I don’t need nice things.

Because you’re above it all and strong?

You act like you don’t give a shit about anyone. It’s to keep people out.

You’ve done it to Otis, and you’re doing it to me!

I don’t keep everyone out.

You do.

No, I don’t.

You’re probably gonna do the same to Isaac and end up hurting everyone.

You’re one to talk. Look how you treat Steve.

You act like he’s got the plague every time he’s around you.

He’s so confused because you’re too much of a people pleaser to break up with him!

You talked about being brave.

That would be brave.

I’ll pay you back somehow.

I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.

[sobs]

[car engine starting]

[Ola] Have you replied to Eugene?

No. It’s… it’s too awkward. I think I’m just gonna break up with him.

My mum always used to say, “If you love someone, it’s better to bend a bit than break.”

That’s if you really like them, obviously.

It must be hard not having her around. She sounds really smart.

Yeah, she was.

It’s a little bit confusing at the moment because my dad’s having a new baby, and Lilly doesn’t really seem to understand why it’s difficult.

My aunt died last year, and I thought the sadness would pass, but it never really goes away, only gets smaller.

Maybe Lily’s never experienced that.

Why don’t you try telling Eugene what you’d like him to sext you instead?

[Colin] Let’s go! What’s that?

Really?

It might work.

CLOSED

[door chimes ring]

[whimsical music playing]

Right. Good. Okay!

Now that we’re all a little bit calmer, should we have a sing-along? Yeah?

Let’s do it.

[Otis sighs]

You all right?

[sighs] Aimee and I just had our first fight.

This trip is the worst.

Can’t get much worse than a rogue poo.

[both chuckle]

Where’s the coach?

[Otis] Have you got your phone?

No. I left all my stuff on the coach.

[Otis] Me too.

Okay. It just got a lot worse.

[whimsical music playing]

[Otis whimpers]

Jean, haven’t seen you for a while.

[splutters] Why’d you stop calling me? Holy fucking shit! Wow!

[splutters] That’s… You’re…

I didn’t think you could… that, like, older women could…

Just say congratulations, Dan.

Congratulations! Congratulations.

Shit. It’s not mine, is it?

No, it’s mine, actually.

[chuckles] Oh, that’s great, dude. That’s great. Well done.

Phew!

We need to go, actually. Goodbye.

Right, yeah. No, I’ve gotta go see the doctor myself.

I’ve got a weird chafing thing going on with my ball sack.

I think it’s my motorbike, but it’s really…

You didn’t need to know that. Okay.

[Dan] Congratulations!

[Jakob sighs]

You used to sleep with this man?

He’s so much younger than you.

I used to sleep with a lot of men. And some of them were younger than me.

This makes me think.

What does it make you think?

Is the baby even mine?

What?

He seemed to think it was his.

Don’t be ridiculous. He…

Well, he did.

I found this at home.

What? [scoffs]

That could be anyone’s.

It’s probably Remy’s from years ago.

Why didn’t you talk to me about it?

Because you’re pregnant, and I didn’t wanna cause any stress.

But then I see this motorcycle man, and you seem to have contacted him quite recently.

And then I remember you’ve been kissing your ex-husband and…

Jakob!

It just makes me think, okay?

Look, I have had a lot of casual sex in my life.

I can’t change that. In fact, I wouldn’t want to.

But if you don’t trust me, then this just isn’t going to work.

[exhales]

I don’t trust you.

[exhales]

I can’t believe this is happening.

How about a paternity test?

[scoffs]

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

If that’s what you want.

[sighs]

And what do we do in the meantime?

Are we still even together?

I don’t know.

[Colin] Okay, party people.

[“Pump Up the Jam” playing]

This is for real.

Who remembers this? Anyone? Here we go.

Ready? Whoa.

♪ Pump up the jam, pump it up… ♪

Come on!

♪ And the jam is pumping Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin’… ♪

No?

♪ Pump it up a little more Get the party goin’ on the dance floor ♪

♪ See, ’cause that’s where the party’s at And you’ll find out if you do that ♪

♪ I want a place to stay ♪

♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight Make my day… ♪

I’m sorry I made you feel embarrassed.

I don’t think the alien stuff is silly, but it’s not real.

I’d like to be a bit more grounded and in the moment with you.

Aliens are definitely real.

There are potentially endless galaxies and planets and universes out there, and you actually think we’re the only life that exists?

I think it’s better to focus on the life that we have on Earth.

I can’t believe you don’t think aliens are real.

I can’t believe you do.

♪ See, ’cause that’s where the party’s at And you’ll find if you do that ♪

[Otis] It’s getting dark.

It’s gonna be cold once it’s dark.

I only got a B in French, so if we find someone to help, how do we know they’re actually a kind stranger and not some psychopath?

[Otis breathing heavily]

What are we gonna eat?

I’m hungry all the time!

[sighs]

I’m panicking. Are you panicking?

No. We’re not gonna starve to death.

I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough. We could die.

We’re not gonna die.

Someone will drive past. We can use their phone.

It’s gonna be fine.

We should hitchhike or just walk to a nearby town.

I think we should stay here.

[pants, whimpers]

Okay, this is bad.

This is very bad.

Okay. How… how do you say “help” in French?

How do I say “help”?

[chuckles]

[Otis grunts]

[in French] Help!

I am help!

[in English] Why are you laughing?

Sorry. You’re funny when you’re stressed.

Well, you’re not helping.

[Otis in French] I am help!

[Maeve chuckles]

Something you wanna say?

I think poetry’s dumb.

Why?

It’s just long words that don’t make any sense.

Maybe you’re not listening.

I have written a poem about you.

[Rahim clears throat]

“I shed blood over what?”

You fell over… Right.

“A rectangle man so unremarkable.”

“A boring horse.”

“Its blah-blah eyes never open, never closed.”

“His head shape so average.”

That’s actually quite good.

I think I was wrong though.

You’re not as unremarkable as I thought.

[whimsical music playing]

Hm. Mm-hmm.

[Jackson] Even if you don’t do the forum, maybe you should still talk to Hope about the changing room thing.

I don’t like Hope,

but it’s important to you, so I think we should make her listen.

What do you think?

[inhales sharply]

[exhales sharply]

Okay, well, I think…

We can make things better.

[“I Wanna Love” by Scout Niblett playing]

I didn’t think I cared about things, but I do.

[Cal] Hm.

You made me realize that I do.

♪ Just hear the rain come down… ♪

Okay.

We’ll make her listen.

Yes!

♪ I wish that you were near me ♪

♪ There’s no one else around… ♪

You are beautiful.

♪ I wish that you could hear me ♪

♪ I’m gonna take this train ♪

♪ Drive it right off the tracks ♪

♪ I think I’m ready, darling ♪

♪ I know I’m switchin’ fast… ♪

Um, I’m sorry, Jackson. I don’t…

[chuckles]

I don’t think I can do this.

Okay. No, that’s cool.

Sorry.

♪ I wanna, I wanna ♪

♪ I wanna, I wanna… ♪

Can you pass this to Maeve?

Babe,

are you not attracted to me anymore?

I won’t be upset.

Of course I’ll be upset. I just need to know if you wanna be with me.

Course I wanna be with you.

Maeve’s not here.

Maeve? Maeve?

Where’s Maeve?

She’s definitely not here.

Maeve Wiley’s not on the coach.

That can’t be right. I did a head count. Maeve?

Maeve? Maeve?

Maeve! Maeve!

[man 2] Who is Maeve?

Who are you?

[in German] I’m Albert.

[in English] Oh…

Colin Ray Hendricks.

Terry, turn the coach around! Maeve?

[whimsical music playing]

[yawning]

Why did you and Ruby break up?

Um, I didn’t like her as much as she liked me.

It’s true. I know.

[chuckles]

What about you? How’s it going with that Isaac guy?

“That Isaac guy.”

[chuckles] Yeah, things are good.

I like him.

[Maeve] Hm.

I know you left me a voice mail.

[Otis chuckles]

Can we not, uh, talk about that?

It’s embarrassing enough you’ve ignored me for months.

[chuckles nervously] Or pretend it didn’t happen.

I never got it.

[emotional music playing]

Isaac deleted it.

What do you mean, “deleted”?

[clears throat] He was trying to protect me, apparently.

He fucked up. It’s a whole thing.

So you… you never heard it?

Nope.

[Otis breathes deeply]

How long have you known?

I don’t know. Couple weeks.

And you didn’t say anything?

No.

You acted like a complete dick to me last term.

You don’t get let off the hook ’cause you call up once and say I’m sorry.

That’s exactly how apologies work, Maeve.

He shouldn’t have deleted it.

No, he shouldn’t have.

But he did, and here we are.

[Maeve sighs]

What did it say?

The voice mail?

Doesn’t matter.

It was ages ago.

Matters to me.

It was something like, “Hi, Maeve.”

“I’m watching you on TV right now.”

“And I wanted to let you know how proud I am of you.”

[“The Breeze/My Baby Cries” by Bill Callahan playing]

“And about how you saying you had feelings for me was all I ever wanted to hear.”

“‘Cause it’s always been you.”

“I love you.”

♪ I’d like to touch you… ♪

Anyway, it was stupid.

♪ But I’ve forgotten how… ♪

Did you mean it?

♪ And said I didn’t need you ♪

♪ But look at me now ♪

♪ Sometime in the summer… ♪

Did you mean it?

Of course I meant it.

♪ The breeze will kill me ♪

♪ The breeze will kill me ♪

I can’t… I can’t do this.

[Otis] Okay.

I understand.

[Otis moans]

I don’t… I don’t wanna lose you again.

[both breathe heavily]

I’m confused. This is confusing me.

♪ Sometime in the summer ♪

♪ When we’re lying in the grass ♪

♪ And the breeze ♪

♪ And the breeze… ♪

Ruby, don’t look.

[Colin] Ah!

Milburn. You’re here too. We had no idea you were missing.

So sorry.

Come on, guys, on the coach. On the coach!

[both sigh in relief]

[both chuckle]

Oh my…

[students cheer]

Woo-hoo!

We’re the worst teachers. [laughs]

But we are good in a crisis.

Yeah.

And we make the most incredible team.

Don’t you think?

[exhales]

What are you doing?

Emily Swati Sands…

Will you marry me?

Of course not. We’ve been dating less than a year.

But… I have been thinking that maybe we could move in together.

Really?

[chuckles] Yeah.

But where will Michael live?

He’s a grown man. He’ll be fine.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[cheering]

Save your applause.

We are not getting married, but we are moving in together!

[Colin] Yes! [laughs]

Can we please go home?

Uh, miss, I’m ready for my presentation.

Oh, we’re not doing that till we get back to school, Kyle.

[mic feedback]

All right, listen up, everyone. I’ve had an epiphany on this trip.

We’re all gonna die.

Kyle, sit down.

[Kyle] Life is so short.

We might not be dead yet, like those poor, young soldiers, but one day we will be.

So, my point is…

Where’d he get that? That’s a soldier’s hat. Stolen property!

[Kyle] Oh.

I’ve forgotten what my point is, but how cool is my hat?

It’s not cool, Kyle.

Oh yeah. Um…

My… my point is that we should try and live in the moment because we don’t have long.

So, if you love someone, you should tell ’em that you love ’em.

Tell ’em now.

Because it might be too late.

Life is fragile.

So, in the spirit of spreading the love, I got a little gift for everyone.

These are called magic mushrooms.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

So…

[Emily] Kyle, sit down!

Sit down, Kyle.

You have to spoil it. You were doing so well, Kyle.

Let’s just forget that happened, all right?

I know this trip has been hard for some of you.

But we’re only half an hour away from the White Cliffs of Dover.

So, let’s fix up, tidy up our uniforms, and get our general shit together.

Yeah?

Cheers.

Lights, please, Terry.

[“When I Live My Dream” by David Bowie playing]

[phone chimes]

♪ When I live my dream I’ll take you with me ♪

♪ Riding on a golden horse ♪

♪ We’ll live within my castle With people there to serve you ♪

♪ Happy at the sound of your voice… ♪

Fucking love you.

Baba ghanoush.

♪ Till the day my dream Cascades around me ♪

♪ I’m content to let you pass me by ♪

♪ Till that day ♪

♪ You’ll run to many other men ♪

♪ But let them know it’s just for now ♪

♪ Tell them I’m a dreaming kind of guy ♪

♪ And I’m gonna make my dream ♪

♪ Tell them I will live my dream ♪

♪ When I live my dream… ♪

[grunts]

[Colin] Hey, hey, hey! Come on.

[phone chimes]

[song ends]

Hey, do you want a lift?

Uh, no, thanks.

[Colin] Please don’t tell.

Maeve? Maeve.

Yeah?

We should talk about what happened.

[clears throat] Is it okay if we don’t tonight?

I need to sort my head out.

That’s okay.

[sentimental music playing]

[both sigh]

[Maeve] Hm.

Cal.

Are we okay?

Yeah, yeah. We’re totally fine. I’ll see you on Monday.

How’d it go?

It was… 100% peachy. Yeah.

[phone chimes]

[car horns honking]

[phone chimes]

[cheering]

[cheering continues]

Oh, Grandma! Grandma!

Come on.

[aunt] Eric! Eric!

Hey, Auntie! Auntie!

Eric!

♪ And it’s your young voice ♪

♪ That’s keeping me holding on ♪

♪ To my dull life ♪

♪ My dull life ♪

♪ And it’s your young voice ♪

♪ That’s keeping me holding on ♪

♪ To my dull life ♪

♪ My dull life ♪

♪ And it’s your young voice ♪

♪ That’s keeping me holding on ♪

♪ To my dull life ♪

♪ My dull life ♪

♪ And it’s your young voice ♪

♪ That’s keeping me holding on ♪

♪ To my dull life ♪

♪ My dull life ♪

♪ And it’s your young voice ♪

♪ That’s keeping me holding on ♪

♪ To my dull life ♪

♪ My dull life ♪

♪ And it’s your young voice ♪

♪ That’s keeping me holding on ♪

[music fades]

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