Episode aired December 10, 2023
Heaven is for real, broh. I saw it, broh, I swear.
* * *
Hello? Hello?
Hello, Jerry.
Nana!
Are you ready to come to the light?
Uh, I’m not sure. Where’s Pop Pop?
He’s not coming out to meet you anymore because honestly, Jerry, this is getting annoying.
It’s not my fault! My father-in-law asked me to help him gather data and– Agh! Not agaaaaaain! [Gasping]
Okay, run diagnostics.
[Machine whirring]
Holy shit, this is consistent. This is real.
What have you done? You’ve got my grandparents pissed at me.
They’ll forgive you because… they’re zero-mass fields of consciousness preserved by a-a paradimensional layer of infinite energy? Morty, there’s kind of a heaven! Kind of! I-I mean there definitely is for a neurotypical like your father. His conscious connection to a localized cultural model of infinity functions like a wick, sucking his little mind straight towards a source of energy strong enough to support projection.
Great, so there’s a heaven. Glad you could learn that by murdering me eight times.
He’s got kind of a point, Rick. If you want to get into heaven, can’t you just stop being an asshole?
First of all, I don’t want to “get into” anywhere. I want to tap this paradimension’s energy. Secondly, you wouldn’t catch me dead in Jerry’s generic-ass 1980s concrete and fog machine heaven.
Well, guess what. You aren’t welcome there!
You raise a good point, Jerry, obviously by accident. My intact consciousness is too atheistic to get channeled to any afterlife worth robbing. It’s a paradox. Unless… Morty, pack your parka. We’re going to Norway.
[Groans]
Or I can augment your skin with subdermal heaters–
I’ll pack a parka.
♪
[Electricity zapping]
Infinite energy, Morty. You don’t even know how to appreciate that because you’ve never been in energy debt.
Fuck you. I’ve been tired.
Perfect! I’m going to Valhalla, Morty! Your grandpa’s going to be the first Valhallanaut! Feel the excitement!
Getting back will be easy. Once the machine turns on, I’ll have set up the other side of the relay.
Female voice: Phoenix Protocol initiated.
Just hit that big red button to pull me into this body.
But how are you getting there? I-I refuse to kill you again. I-I’m desensitized, Rick.I took some kind of test in school, a-and the counselor had to call Homeland Security.
Not your problem, Morty. I need to die in glorious battle against a mighty enemy. That’s why I got Bigfoot in this Poké Ball.
Bigfoot is your enemy?
Well, I doubt he’s a fan. I stuffed him into a ball. I mess with him all the time.These Vikings don’t have real tight bylaws, Morty. This is basically their equivalent of Native American burial grounds. Bigfoot’s dumb enough to attack whatever’s in front of him. And all I gotta do is die.
What happens to Bigfoot… after?
Morty, Bigfoot is a “B” story. The “A” story is he kills me and you hit the button. Got it?
Got it.
[Gulping]
Alright, let’s do this!
[Grunting]
[Roaring]
[Grunting]
Oh! [Groaning]
[Grunting]
Oh, snap, I-I did it! Valhalla, baby! I’m Dead Rick!
[Horn blowing, all shouting]
Oh, shit, I’m dead Rick.
[Weapons clang] [Grunts]
[Groans]
[Gasps] [All cheering]
Welcome to Valhalla, brother. We thought all Vikings had perished.
Ah. Nope. I was– I was a straggler. How’s it work here again?
We fight! We die! We feast! And then we fight again!
Ha-ha! Cheers, everybody, cheers! So, is there a time window between battles where a guy could go off and, I don’t know, gather resources?
Yes, now you’ll receive your armor.
Knock, knock. Oh wow.
You’re a new arrival. What do you require?
Honestly, I-I’d love to take most of your tools. I’d planned on starting from scratch, but you’re, like, way past the Iron Age here, saves me a lot of time.
I make only the finest for Valhalla.
Beautiful hammer. So, in Valhalla, what happens when we get knocked out?
Then we’re just knocked out.
Cool. Oh, wow, is that a thing Vikings love?
[Grunting]
[Crying]
Oh, God, brutal.
[Grunting]
Wait, what? Bigfoot… do you have religion? Y-Y-You understand me, don’t you? D-Does Rick do this to you all the time?
[Grunts, crying]
He messes with me, too. Easy, there, big guy. Easy.
[Screams]
[Crunching]
[Grunting]
[Glass shatters, alarm blaring]
[Electricity crackles]
[Banging]
[Horn blows]
[All shouting]
Oh, shit!
[Weapons clanging, all shouting]
[Laughing]
Look at this little one! You must be made of piss and dragon balls to reach Valhalla at your age!
Oh, yeah! Y-Yeah, man! Dr-Dragon Balls all day. H-Hey, h-have you guys seen an old skinny guy around here?
Of course! But wait, where did that guy go? He should have his armor by now.
[Bird screeches]
What in the mighty whale’s wooden cock?
The old man! He’s some kind of witch!
A friend of yours?
What? Why would I be friends with a witch?
I was just asking.
Well, that’s really offensive, man! What is this, Judgmenthalla?
I don’t know until I ask, alright?
Somebody around here gonna make me some pants, or do I have to call the feds on this place?
Surrender, witch!
Easy, guys. Th-This was all a test, and you passed. I’m actually Odin.
Odin?
Yep, Thor’s father, Spider-Man’s uncle, et cetera. I came here to do like an “Undercover Boss” thing, making sure Valhalla’s running smooth, which it is, and as your reward, I’m assembling this majestic transdimensional energy relay, which none of you should ever touch, or it’ll make your… goats… have hemorrhoids, understood?
And you need nothing from us?
I’m only here for a few hours, but since you’re asking, I’d kill for a beer and a sandwich. Beef, cheese, no onions– Is someone writing this down?
Ow, my balls, ow, my balls, ow, my balls!
Morty? Why are you here?
You are friends with the witch!
[Sighs]
What the fuck, Morty! You’re my ride home!
Bigfoot killed me! He killed you, he killed me, and he was going to kill your clone.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, Morty, no!
I-I opened the cage. Bigfoot was burying your body. He– He was mourning you!
He does that. Morty, any big idiot can pretend to believe in the afterlife. That’s why we’re dealing with these fucking guys. They’re just Norwegian Bigfoots. Jesus Christ, run this cable over there. We don’t have much time.
[Grunting]
♪
Hull breach imminent. Initiating survival protocol.
[Grunts]
Aah! [Chattering]
♪
[Tires screech]
[Roars]
[People screaming]
[All gasp]
[Grunting]
[Roars]
[Darts fire]
[Grunts, chattering]
[Grunting]
[Darts firing]
[Tires screech]
We’ll take it from here.
And who are you? CIA? Interpol?
We work for the man upstairs.
[Bells ringing]
Hello, Bigfoot. I’m-a the Pope. I’m sure you don’t know what that means. Which is why I’ve been so eager to acquire you. The Church, you see, has many enemies, but also many rules. We can’t kill. We can’t command a man to kill. But you are not a man. You are a thinking beast from outside God’s domain, which will make you the Vatican’s greatest weapon.
Your holiness, he is wild. He can’t be controlled.
Ah, but we know what he wants.
[Muffled grunting] [Grunting]
Yes, my child. Yes. You will have your naked imbecile. But first, you will work for me.
[Cranking]
[Horn blowing, all shouting]
Morty! Heads up! Incoming wave.
[All shouting]
[All screaming]
Clear! They’re sending more every time.
It’s fine. I’ll upgrade the turret’s rate of fire, but I need to finish this relay.
You need to figure out how to get us back to life!
Without my infinite energy? I-I don’t think you’re thinking this through, Morty. I-If we manage to get home, we don’t get another shot at this. Y-You think the next time these idiots see a naked man on the battlefield, they’re gonna give him a beer?
So you’d rather stay dead until you win than live as a loser? Maybe you belong here with these idiots.
Yeah, I could probably teach them how to hit a red button!
I said I was sorry.
And I said keep killing them while I finish the relay. And I will get us back home. Okay?
Okay.
[All shouting]
[Explosion, all scream]
[All grunting, shouting]
[All shouting]
♪
[All scream]
[All grunting, shouting]
[Shushing]
[Drones buzzing]
Oh. Oh, no.
[All shouting]
Okay, I’m done here. You ready to get back to living?
Yeah, but how?
Morty, infinite energy means infinite energy. All I have to do is pull a lever to send us back home into new bodies. Then voilà, no more need for crystals.
But the second we turn our back, those guys are just going to trash this place.
Oh, Morty. Ye of little faith.
Do we even need to attack him?
[Explosion, all scream]
[Groaning] [Shouts]
[Explosion]
[Groaning]
[Explosion]
[Groaning]
I told you I was Odin, you faithless heretics! And I’ll keep blowing you up in this pit forever unless you follow these commandments. Spider-Man? There’s 10 of them, but they basically revolve around not going near the energy relay. Is anybody going to go near the energy relay? Okay. You have pleased me. I’ll get you guys… some kind of a ladder.
Target is in sight.
Excellent. Release the bait.
I just love worshiping the devil with you guys.
[All gasp]
[Grunts, chattering]
[All screaming]
[Roars]
[All shouting]
[Grunting]
♪
Who are you? Only the Pope wants to kill us, but he can’t kill–
[Roars]
Yes. Very good. But we can do even better.
[Roaring]
[Grunting]
Pope: You work-a for the Vatican! Our enemies are your enemies!
[Roaring]
[Bigfoot grunting]
Yes! Yes!
[Bigfoot grunting]
[People screaming]
[Bells ringing]
Here, my sweet. This will help you communicate. I traded a Predator three muskets for it.
So it is their currency?
Give me what you promised.
Yes, child, you’ve earned it.
Alright, Morty, wanna grab a mead for the road?
Nah, I’m good.
Then here we go!
Man, I take back everything bad I said about clone vats.
There’s a method to the madness, Morty.
[Cork pops] [Slurps]
And now… infinite energy, baby!
[Buzzing]
What the… Someone’s hacking into the Earth-bound side of my relay, Morty. Pretty crazy, whoever’s doing this would have to be a spiritual leader with limitless resources. In fact, I guess there’s only really one–
[Bigfoot roars]
You’re fucked.
[Grunts] Fuck.
It is over. My torment ends now.
[Grunts]
[Screams]
What the hell? Are you seriously working for the Pope?
The Pope saw my potential. Prepare to be crushed by Bigfoot.
[Grunts]
Ha ha.
Don’t worry, Morty. I’ve got this under control.
Jesus Christ, Rick, just apologize. You assumed Bigfoot was dumb, which was dumb of you.
You’re right, Morty. Underestimating people only gives them the high ground.
Admit why you bullied me.
Because I thought it was funny that you were stupid.
People are intelligent in different ways.
I know, I know. I-I’m clearly stupid at knowing when other people are smart.
[Grunts]
[Grunting]
Listen, I know you can’t tap your gauntlet, but I’ll take a guess at what you’re saying. You hate me because I tortured you to get what I want.
Rick!
But I only used you to kill myself! How many people have you killed for the Pope?
[Grunts]
Help me stop him, and I’ll make it right. For starters, here.
Ow, that hurt. Wait a second.
Yeah, hands-free. Also upgraded that voice.
Thank you. In a world where time actually is money…
Ooh, I-I think I know this movie.
You guys can do this bit at the Vatican. Let’s go.
Oh, hey, Bigfoot. What you got back there, eh?
Rick and Morty. Uh, dead. For Pope.
Aye, that’s them.
[Camera shutter clicks]
Alright, last thing, I just got to take a sharp stick and stab them both. That’s just the rules.
Hyah! [Horse neighs]
[All scream]
Sorry, Morty, so much for the quiet way.
I appreciate that we tried.
It’s a fucked-up rule.
[Guards scream]
Poooooooooooooooope!
[Screams]
It’s over, the Pope. We got you.
[Laughing]
See, this is why religion sucks. Infinite energy, and the Pope uses it to levitate like Criss Angel.
[Screams]
Alright, wow, not how I saw that going. I guess getting killed by the energy sent us up the conduit to its source. Hey, guys.
Oh, fuck.
No, no, just need some clothes and horses. Maybe not for Bigfoot. Unless he wants clothes?
[Roars]
Ah, excuse me, Lord Odin. Is this a test?
Yup, yup. Uh, you passed!
[Groans]
Ewww, feet… so small.
Why is he in a clone of Summer?
Statistically speaking, she’s the third most likely to die.
Alright, let’s kill that son of a bitch.
Hold on, I can see where this is going.
[Whirring]
♪
[Thunder crashes]
Poooooooooooope!
Aah!
[Grunting] [Screams]
♪
[Screams]
[Whirring]
[Bell dings]
Wow.
I gotta admit, Morty. I didn’t really fight that time. I wanted to make sure this worked.
Handsome.
Yeah, you like that? Bigger feet! Even gave your brain a little more lobe.
Thank you! Me love it. Me–
Dial it back. You don’t wanna come across like a Muppet.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
[Thunder crashes]
Poooooooooope!
[Screams]
[Screaming]
Maybe we just portal right up close to the guy instead of doing the guards every time.
[Grunts] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Bell dings]
[All shout]
[Grunts]
[All grunt]
[Bell dings]
Maybe bigger chin?
Look at this. He’s fucking giving notes.
Bigfoot, come on, w-we need you to put a little more fight in.
If need help, Bigfoot do know some guys. Pope has… other monsters captive.
Man, you guys really don’t quit. I can do this all day.
Yeah, but these guys can do it…
[Roars]
All night!
[Howls]
Wow, big anticlimax! Mummy, you look good!
This afterlife smells like beer.
I guess this is what infinite energy looks like. Fuck. Really wish we had time to unpack all of Frankenstein’s parts making it here. Bigfoot, take these guys up to the relay and prepare for a siege.
What are you gonna do, Rick?
Listen, I’m not really your god, just an old man who wanted to cheat your system. Guys like me think we can run the joint because everyone is so dumb. But it’s a dumb universe. I work for you. The customer is always right. Give me 10 Viking minutes after we leave and then pull the plug on that windmill we made over there.
And this isn’t a trick?
Is your mother’s pussy a trick?
Hey!
Kick his ass!
Go, Morty, go!
Why the hell did you do that?!
The only way to end this is by turning off the power, Morty!
But we have to get home!
That’s what these guys are for! Monsters, hold the line! Everyone but Bigfoot!
Together: Hoo-rah!
[All shouting]
That wasn’t them leaving, right?
No vay. That vould be cold-blooded.
[Thunder crashes]
Pooooooooope!
Who do you-a bring this time? The Harlem Globetrotters?
That’s actually a good pitch.
It’s over for you, Pope!
Time to atone for your sins.
Bigfoot, you were God’s greatest assassin. Now look at you– hairless with normal feet.
Yes! [Laughs evilly]
Rick, the energy relay’s still up!
Shit, was really counting on those monsters to lose faster.
[Laughing] Huh?
That’s more like it. Pour one out for the Wolfman.
I don’t understand.
You know what they say, when God closes an infinite energy relay…
Nooooo! God damn–
[Warbling]
[Video game tune plays]
Alright, I’m just gonna say it so nobody else has to say it. Popey Ball. There.
Okay.
If I didn’t say anything, someone was gonna be like, “You missed Popey Ball. It was right there.” I thought about not using a Poké Ball because of that, and it’s just the right tool for the right job. W-What, am I supposed to not use it and shoot the Pope in the head?
I was gonna say it.
Wait, w-why are we at the woods?
Time to go on home, big fella.
Oh. Uh, okay.
You’re free. Just go!
You guys are being weird.
Stop making this so hard for us!
Go on. Why can’t you go back where you came from?
Ow! You don’t have to throw things at me to say goodbye.
Just go!
I’m not an animal anymore. I-I was hoping I could– I could get a job and– Ow!
Go on! Get! Get out of here!
I’m going. I’m going, okay? Ow! Stop throwing things! Ow!
Go!
Okay, I’m leaving.
Get out of here!
Okay.
Go on, get!
♪
[Crowd cheering]
[Video game music plays]
[Roars]
Wha– Wha? Oh!
[Roars]
[Siren wailing]
What kind of sick sons of bitches…
These things are trained to fight.
I don’t want to hear it, Henderson.
Wh-What year is it? Who’s the Pope?
Shit if I know.
Let me check.
[Buttons clicking]
This guy, apparently.
[Chattering]
Nooooo!
