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Rick and Morty – S07E06 – Rickfending Your Mort | Transcript

Rick and Morty - S07E06 - Rickfending Your Mort

Episode aired November 18, 2023

* * *

[ Blows raspberries ]

H-Hey, Rick… uh, need me for any adventures?

Huh?

Adventures? Remember those?

Oh, y-yeah, not right now, Morty, uh, but d-definitely next week though.

You been saying that a while now, buddy, so, I think I’m gonna give you a little nudge by cashing in a few of these bad boys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, we’re still doing the punch card system?

Never stopped. Bam! Read ’em and weep. Fully punched cards, each entitling me to an adventure of my choosing. I don’t make the rules.

Yeah, I do, you little gremlin, and I definitely did not stamp all these.

You never remember to stamp the cards. You’re always drunk.

I didn’t know we were still doing this! T-This stinks to high heaven, Morty. I’m not accepting these.

I knew you were going to do this. So I got receipts, bitch. I k– I kept notes.

This is gibberish. “Isle of the Mortysaurs”? “Takes One to Know One”?

I make up titles for each adventure.

You did the same thing for that MS readathon at your school, Morty, and you didn’t read shit.

It’s okay to lie when you’re fighting Multiple Sclerosis!

Or when you think you won’t get caught!

How are you going to “catch me”?

Oh, you done and did it now, little man. That’s your ass. Don’t grift a grifter, Morty. I got friends in cosmic places. Yeah, uh-huh. I need an audit. Oh, right, you were already watching. I’ll come get you.

Wha-Wh-What is this?

I am The Observer!

You’re so busted. Look at your face, you’re so fucked.

I observe all!

They observe all, Morty. Cosmic all-seeing species.

So?

So, they’re basically universal police body-cams but you can’t turn them off before you beat a minority. Or in your case, before you cook the adventure books!

I don’t do that!

We gonna find out!

Oh, I’m here for this!

I bet a solid 70% of these are bullshit.

Oh, quit your bitchin’ and do the audit. I-I got nothing to hide!

Alright, Observer, gimme “Truth or Dare.” Christ, these names, Morty.

It’s shorthand!

I have observed it! Now gaze upon me and so shall you…


Two attack patterns and a giant glowing weak spot–

“Legend of Zelda” tutorial-ass bullshit.

I thought it was kind of fun.

Halt, unidentified adventurers.

We are the guardians of this sanctuary. One of us tells only truths, the other, only lies.

You ever fucked this guy’s wife?

Yes.

Well, how about that, he guessed right.

I forgive you!

Oh, shit!

Alright, next room.

No, I wanna watch.

Did you see how one of them lied?

Fine, I’ll call that one legit. I’m not here to nitpick, I’m here to find blatant fraud. Okay, uh, show me “Late Night Western.”

Morty, Morty, Morty, take me– drive me– take me– w-wan go western bacon. M-Morty, western bacon now.

Ugh. Ohoho, yeah.

Before you say anything–

I knew it! Busted!

You’re banned from that Carl’s Jr.!

That doesn’t make the drive-thru an adventure, Morty. Invalid.

Sounds like it’s anyone’s game!

Well, n-no, it– it’s not a bet, it’s an audit.

Observer, show us “Maximum Overdrive with Clothes”!

At least this is better than cars. Cars can run you over.

[ Screams ]

Okay, no, this is worse.

Boom. Adventure, suck it.

Alright, fine. Uh, how ’bout “Whistlering Dixie”?

Whistler! Whattaya got to tag and bag these bastards?

Made this lil’ puppy after I bagged my first neck-rophiliac. Double-action triggers pumping out 1,400 kilos of holy water per square inch.

Um…

This ol’ girl’s got dry-aged, Sicilian garlic expelling out at 3,200 feet per second, is swaddled by 5,200 Solar-joules of raw ultraviolet…

Yeaahhh…

…and she’s only getting started. I’m talkin’ crucifix-shaped Chinese stars,mirror-tipped wooden stakes, and a–

[ Portal gun zaps ]

Wha– Hello? G-Guys?

Morty, that was just an old man a rambling at us.

People died!

So, by your logic, 9/11 was an adventure? Tweet it, see who agrees.

Very well! Bear witness to 9/11!

What? No!

Dude, don’t, just, y-you need to let us throw to the stuff, okay? Okay, what’s next? What the hell is “Leg Day”?

Hey, look, Morty! I-I’m a leg! A leg, Morty! I’m Leg Riiick!

Okay, I’ll give you that last one.

What? I-I mean– I mean, I’ll take it but–

Hey, Morty, check this out.

That’s clearly unlicensed.

License this!

Wait, what are you doing?

Hey, Smith, you look hungry! How ’bout some knuckle pie?

Wuh the huh?

Aw, geez. Rick’s implants.

Big Doug… get the truck.

Whoo! I’ve never felt so alive!

Ayyy!

Oh! Man.

Turn! Back! Into! A boat!

I’m trying! I’m trying…

Oh, Big Doug.

Big Doug, no.

There’s my guy! C’mon, the hamsters turned on me, Morty. We gotta go.

R.I.P., Big Doug!

Wasn’t even in that one!

Who cares, i-it wasn’t even on my list. T-This guy just cued it up!

Speaking of cues, what about all those times you two misunderstood each other?

Wait, what? Are you setting up a series of them?

Trust me, the key is grouping them with thematic connections.

Uhhhhhhh… I-I just want to talk to Morty in private, about something unrelated.

Yeah, we’ll be right back.

Okay, this guy might have been kind of a mistake.

He’s really, like, aggressive.

He’s steamrolling us. He thinks he’s hosting a fucking clip show. And I don’t like his voice. I don’t like his voice,

I-I don’t like that he’s doing jokes, I don’t like that he’s talking down to you.

Thank you! Okay. Let’s rethink this. I still don’t trust these, but I’ll accept these cards at 70 cents on the dollar.

Done. Fair. How do we get rid of him?

Eh, I’ll just pay the asshole and tell him he did a great job.

He thinks he’s hosting a fucking clip show. And I don’t like his voice.

I don’t like his voice, I-I don’t like that he’s doing jokes, I don’t like him talking down to you.

Okay, well, that’s– th-that’s on us. Should have seen that coming.

Seeing is more my thing.

Well then you know he’s about to pay you.

And “tell me I did a great job”?

Fine, you caught us, we secretly think you suck.

Oh!

Here’s twice what I owe you. That’s how little conversation we want to have about you leaving.

I have never seen two bigger assholes! And I see all assholes!

Then you can see yours out. Byyyyee.

Christ.

[ Microwave beeps ]

Shit, howt, so howt.

Gotta start in the middle, statistically the coolest.

Rick: You won’t find a carb on my plate, Morty. I’m all about that keto.

No. Is that– Is that a fucking–

Clip?

I’m a fats man. Gimme all the fats!

That burrito looks pretty carby!

This fucking guy.

That’s your move? Diet shaming? Just take the L, man! Th-This is embarrassing.

Oh, I’ll show you embarrassing!

Haaaaaaaa!

Do it, Morty! I-It’s the only way to save the universe!

H-How? H-How is it the only way?

Morty… I’m dying… it’s up to you…

Aahh!

Riiick!

Aghhh! What the hell are you doing?

Saving the universe! I think? Right, Rick?

This guy’s nuts!

Screw you, Morty!

What the hell? You told me I was a hero!

You were that night.

What the hell’s going on?

Is that angry stone playing… videoclips?

It’s some weirdo Grandpa hired to prove I’m a bad person. Turns out people that take that job aren’t fun to be around. Get out of here!

Sidewalk’s public property, bro! I can observe all I want from here!

This isn’t our problem, Dad. Please make this loud thing go away.

Yeah, I was studying for a test.

The Observer: No, you weren’t!

Fucking rock asshole.

Now you’ve done it! As they’ve shamed me, so shall I now shame you!

[ Knock on door ] Summer: Mom? Are you drinking wine in there?

Um… no, I’m shitting.

Bitch, I know the sound of a toilet lid moving.

Woof.

Two birds, one stone.

More embarrassing for Mom than me.

I wasn’t lying, I was going to shit.

What’s going on here? Cosmic being playing embarrassing clips out of spite?

Damn, Jerry. Nailed it.

I was watching from the upstairs window.

Well, watch this, loser!

Morty, I’m throwing out some stuff from our last couple adventures. You got any use for this diamond?

Morty: Nope. I’m good.

This is gonna be fine.

[ Screaming ]

I’m sorry! I can’t stop once I start!

Whatever, everyone knows I’m embarrassing. I’m bulletproof.

Oh, my God, this is so sad.

Not as sad as you after this!

The so-called “Hottie Snatchers” have spread to Canada and Mexico, grabbing the most attractive residents and taking them God knows where.

All Americans, even sub-sevens, are advised to stay indoors.

You certainly wouldn’t be safe out there.

Not on the air, Michael.

BRB, bathroom. I need to know! It’s okay! It’s not real, they’re just doing it at random!

[ Screams ]

Is everything okay? I heard a–

[ Screams ]

You too, huh? It’s not so bad once you get used to it.

I don’t deserve this. I just walked downstairs.

Okay, well, if Dad’s just gonna stand here, should I do something? Unless that somehow tees me up–

Walked right into it!

This is our target, Dichotomus Daniel–

[ Farts ]

That was my chair.

It was a fart.

Birdperson always knows.

It’s true! He’s got that beak!

Get lost, you piece of shit!

Why, so you can do stuff like thiiis?

[ Snoring ]

Ugh, Morty… I’m afraid the only way out is through the bottom of this massive vat of whale semen.

Well, that last one was just for shock value.

Fuck this guy!

Haha, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the watchin’!

You– You– You– You suck! S-Showing weird shit just ’cause we w-wouldn’t let you treat our lives like a clip show!

Yeah, get him, Morty!

Mess him up, little bro!

What, you gonna beat me up like the piss guy? Hey! Not cool!

Why don’t you tee up this clip of me kicking your ass!

Ow! Oww! Aghhh, I’m all rocks now! I never saw this coming…

Shit! T-These guys can die?! I-I thought they were cosmic!

You know what, I say we leave this thing in the street, deny any involvement, and just hope this blows over. Unless, of course, they play this exact clip on a screen in front of a jury with some kind of built-in bias.

As an observer, I try to stay impartial, but I am not seeing innocence.

It’s not blowing over, Rick.

I’d tell you to stay positive, Morty, but I do not like the looks of that jury. I can’t believe we got ourselves into this mess over something as petty as what an adventure is.

Yeah, I-I guess I can admit I got a little loose with the stamps–

Gotcha! Can the stenographer read back that confession, please?

Silence! The killing of an observer is unforgivable. We must now decide whether to end your existence.

Your Honor, if everyone here has truly seen everything, then you all know my grandson and I did this whole thing with giants.

Did what whole thing?

I will address that! I’m your court-appointed defender. Your Honor, observe the time Rick and Morty did this with giants!

This is an open and shut case, Morty. Y’know w-w-what do ya think is gonna happen, some magical angel’s gonna show up and–

Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the violation of civil liberties!

The moments are practically identical, Your Honor. I move for a mistrial on the grounds it bumps.

If the argument is that Rick and Morty repeat their mistakes, the prosecution agrees!

Oh, God, y-you sound just like the guy we killed– uh, a-allegedly.

That was my brother! I didn’t like his voice either!

Well, this isn’t gonna help our case.

Neither will this next clip!

Morty, I made you a gorilla gun. Pretty cool, huh?

A gorilla gun? D-Does this do what I think it does?

Yup!

Where’s your lunch money, punk?

Lunch money? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have… a banana?

[ Screams ]

[ Crash ]

[ Crying ] I thought it would turn him into a gorilla.

Why would you want a bully to be a gorilla? It was a gun that kills gorillas. Please go easy on him, th-this one’s on me, and it won’t happen again.

Morty, this is a bully gun.

Whoa! Cool!

Any questions about it?

Not really.

Yeah, should be self-explanatory. Have fun.

Hey. Give me your backpack.

You trying to bully me?

Yeah.

Well, how are you going to bully… another bully?

What are you doing?

[ Coughing ]

I feel like this one’s not entirely my fault. Okay, how do you feel?

I-I’m okay. I mean, maybe just stop giving me guns, or–

Or make them less ambiguous, way ahead of you. Here. Take this. This is a gun, and I want to be really specific here, this is a gun that you only use to shoot bad people. Are we clear?

Okay, Rick.

When are you going to use that?

When I want to shoot a bad person.

Okay.

I had a great time tonight, Jessica.

Hey. Give me your money.

Why don’t you take this instead?

Jeffrey Dahmer?

Hi.

Uh, what’s happening?

I don’t know, just run.

Let the record show this bit continued for several more guns.

What are we even guilty of in that one, being kind of dumb?

For being dumb over and over!

A-ha! But, Your Honor, is that not the definition of experimentation? The foundation of science? And are Rick and Morty therefore not only not not learning, but therefore actively learning? Observe this example!

How long before Ben Franklin comes back to life?

Holy shit! Yes! Shit, he came back evil. What do you think will happen if we bury him again?

You don’t know?

This is my first time using Pet Sematary soil, Morty.

I mean… as long as we’re asking questions… we’ve been here so long my phone died.

It’s not gonna charge your phone!

So you can be curious and I can’t?

Fuck, you’re right. W-We’re sitting on top of brand-new science here. L-Let’s gather some data!

[ Both grunting ]

Put your back into it, Morty!

Y-You think it’ll refill the tank?

Good pitch, Morty! Okay, let’s bury that kangaroo from the waist down.

Holy shit! Will only his legs come back?

Who knows?! Hey, I’m having a great time with you tonight, Morty!

[ Alarm beeping ]

W-What’s that one?

Ben Franklin! R-Remember we tried wrapping him in tin foil to see if it’d shield him from the evil?

Oh, yeah.

[ Sizzling ] Ow! Fuck! I-It’s hot!

Jesus Christ… It cooked him like a pig at a luau. It’s so moist.

Rick! That’s a guy!

Man, what is this place doing to us?

Is nothing sacred to you two?

What are these clips? Wh-What are we even on trial for anymore?

What’s anyone on trial for, son? Being good or evil.

L-Look, sure, we can be irreverent but w-we’re far from evil. We make more friends than enemies!

Let’s run the tape on that one!

Hey, Rick, can you make my churro come to life?

On it!

Hiiiiiiii! I’m Churry!

Churry, do you want to have fun?

Let’s go!

This has been the best time of my life, Churry.

Okay, thanks, Rick! Y-You can turn him back into a regular churro now.

What? I-I can’t turn him back. You asked me to bring him to life. Bam, done. But he’s a churro, he doesn’t have internal organs, a brain, et cetera. in order to live, I had to make him functionally immortal.

What.

My… My family!

Goodbye, Churry. I’ll miss you.

These are just regular churros? Oh, my God, no! Mark my words, Morty! I shall leave you as you left me! On a barren planet! Praying for death!

I’m starting to see why this lawyer was free.

Okay, well, we never intentionally hurt people.

Yeah, we adventure! Stuff goes wrong. We don’t just murder for fun.

Oh! Here’s a clip about that topic!

I did it, Morty! I killed the versions of us that were in “Space Jam”! Help me with the bodies!

Wow! How you’d do it, Rick?

It was easy, Morty. Th-They welcomed death! They wanted out, Morty!

No, no, no, you don’t get it, they begged me.

It was a kindness!

Was that helpful?

It was for the prosecution!

Okay, I’ve heard enough!

No, you fucking haven’t. If we’re about to die, at least let us defend ourselves.

Ahh, the outrage!

Ehh, seems iffy.

I’ll allow it. But no lollygagging!

I only need one clip, Your Honor. If it pleases the court, hold on to your tits.

[ Murmuring ]

I’m a leg, Morty! You like that? Yeahhh, I know you do.

Oh! We already saw that one.

No, that’s the other time I did it.

That was your Hail Mary?

I held onto my tits for nothing!

Boo!

Boooo!

That was mid!

Boo!

I hereby find Rick and Morty guilty! Time to die!

What in tarnation?

Plot twist!

Whattaya expect? You gave me access to your tech. Look, I-I’m not saying we’re heroes, but in the two minutes I’ve had access to your server, I can “observe” you’re no better. Here, let’s see a clip.

Help! Please! Oh, my God! Please! Augh! Please!

Absurd! If the Observer was in the clip, who was watching?

Glad you asked!

Please! Augh!

Jesus Christ.

You can’t shame us for watching! It’s who we are!

Right, and you’d never take advantage of that.

Hot copies! Freshly watched! I’ve got “Avatar” 3 through 6! Friends and Family screening, the VFX aren’t done, but they’re still blue!

It’s not my fault I saw those movies!

Yes! We observe, it’s all we do!

Ohhoho! It’s not all you do.

I’ll give you guys $20 to fight each other. Money, money!

As it turns out, you do plenty! You’re just as bad as us!

We’re not all bad. I observe a couple of bad apples!

Who are you calling an apple? Should we all observe what you did with Tom’s wife?

Observe me harder! Harder!

I regret nothing, Tom! The only thing you could never see was what a treasure Nancy was.

I’ll kill you!

I’d like to observe you try!

Geez, Rick. People be fucking each other’s wives, huh?

Marriage is a scam, Morty. Let’s scram.

Wait! I still have more clips!

Morty, I appreciate what you were trying to do, with the punch cards, my whole groove thing.

Thanks. So… is this a stamp? Or you gonna make me count this as my adventure?

How about we just ignore this one.

Yeah. Yeah, good call.

80 cents on the dollar?

75.

Done. Whattaya say, Rick? Fly through space, come upon something, maybe I have a moral objection, stuff gets messy, and you ultimately bail us out?

L-Let’s take it for a spin. Rick and Morty! We’re back, baby! Check the glovebox!

Whoa, another gun!

Hey, Morty, see you at the frolf mixer tomorrow?

Y-Yeah, sure thing, Jimmy.

[ Screams ]

I knew this day would come… Oh, oh, God! Aaah!

Niiice. Free churro.

Whew. Aaah!

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