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Rick and Morty – S07E01 – How Poopy Got His Poop Back | Transcript

A sociopathic scientist arrives at his daughter's doorstep 20 years after disappearing and moves in with her family, setting up a laboratory in the garage and taking his grandson on wild adventures across the universe.
Rick and Morty - S07E01 - How Poopy Got His Poop Back

Episode aired October 15, 2023

A sociopathic scientist arrives at his daughter’s doorstep 20 years after disappearing and moves in with her family, setting up a laboratory in the garage and taking his grandson on wild adventures across the universe.

* * *

[Sighs] Any clue when our houseguest is finally gonna leave? It’d be nice to have the living room back.

I keep tripping on all his top hats.

He’s always messing with my TiVo! It’s an antique, the buttons are fragile!

Big surprise that Dad’s avoiding all this.

Guys, he’s a family friend. He can stay as long as he needs.

Hey, so I just sold some drugs to the weird little dude in there. He said you had cash? Oh, you kids in school? You having trouble focusing? Okay, that’s it!

Morty, find your grandfather while I go talk to our houseguest. Jerry, pay the dealer.

Yeah, I prefer the term “pharmacist.”

So do they!

Any chance you have–

Sorry, I left my wallet in space.

Are you leaving to get it?

[Door closes]

Mr. Poopybutthole, this has gone far enough. We have been really cool to you in your time of need.

[Gulping] I agree, Beth. I’m a pieeeece of garbage. Can you boost me up so I can hook my belt to the ceiling faaaaan?

We don’t have a ceiling fan.

Oo weee, is that why it’s so hooot? They’re not expensivvve.

[Sighs]

Bet you didn’t expect to see me in a cold open, huh? Looks like I’ve taken another turn for the worse. It all started when Beth shot me.

I said I was sorry!

I know… It tore you up inside… Like a bullet.

It was an accident!

Anyway, then I got fired from my joooob, my wife left me, I broke both my leeegs, failed the bar exam. Ooo wee, things went downhill from there. So I’ve been crashing with the Smiths for a while. Ooo wee, I’m Mr. Pooooopybutthole and this is “Rick and Morty” Seeeeason 7.

[Computer beeping]

Hey, buddy. B-brought you a coffee.

I can synthesize coffee. You don’t need to make excuses to come see me–

Yeah, I knew you’d say that, so I didn’t even bring a cup. Any progress?

Yes, Morty, I found the version of me that killed my wife. You just missed it.

Okay, I get it.

I had a big sword fight with him on top of Hoover Dam. He fell and landed on a sharp spike, and then whispered, “Thank you,” like a werewolf.

I was asking to be polite. The family wants you upstairs to deal with Mr. Poopybutthole.

It’s finally time, huh? Well, lucky for you guys, I know how to make someone leave. Family, I present to you, Robo-Ghost.

Rick!

Your plan is to scare him away?

Avoidance much?

I’m listening.

AI voice: Assembling body.

[Whirring]

[Beeps] Activating sentience.

[Groans]

Uploading business.

[Screams] Unfinished business detected. Terminating body.

[Grunts]

[Groans]

[Shouts]

Okay. I need to make gravity part of its finished business and leave floors unfinished. Starting over.

Dad, you can’t keep putting this off. You’re doing an intervention with us.

Nope.

Then we’re sticking Poopybutthole downstairs with you.

What is this? I-Is this an intervention of me not intervening? Y-You know this can’t make the concept work, not comedically or clinically. Its success rate is 10% in both areas.

Then you have to help him on your own. And not with a ghost.

[Screaming]

Oo, that-that’s interesting. You kind of gave him a little power by mentioning him. There’s a lot of science to unpack about ghosts– [Sighs] After I talk to my friend.

Jerry: He’s in the living room, Rick.

I’m not doing this by myself!

Oh, so you’re going to have an intervention?

No. I’m going to get some friends to help me talk to a friend, and you’d know the difference if you weren’t stupid and had friends.

You’re mean! Dad!

Pick your battles, honey.

Ha ha! Yeah, fuck you, Summer. God damn it.

Your portal closed.

Oh, did it? Have an intervention, or we’ll intervention you, you bunch of stupids.

[Doorbell ringing repeatedly, knocking on door]

Gearhead! Buddy! Listen. We gotta help Mr. Poopybutthole. He’s in a bad place.

Well, that sounds like an intervention, which Gearhead no Likehead.

It’s not an intervention. And you owe me.

Okay, fine, but now I need a drink.

Make it to go and make it two.

Rick, you son of a squanch!

Squanch! Told you he wasn’t dead.

We squanching?

A little. We need to have a hang with Poopybutthole and talk to him about–

His drinking.

Us? Not without a squanch.

I’d love one if you’re pouring.

Make it three.

You left a Gromflomite femur in the compost. Your human side is passionate but careless. I also found your Federation hit list–

Ugh! Don’t go through my stuff! This place is worse than prison.

[Door slams]

[Heavy metal music plays]

[Doorbell rings]

Rick.

BP! It’s been a minute. Is… someone here?

Birddaughter.

You found her.

Yes. She was imprisoned in a femme fatale training camp.

That’s great! L-Let’s go celebrate with our closest friends by encouraging Poopybutthole to dial back his drinking!

Suspect. But I find fatherhood exhausting and would like to show my daughter what real selfishness looks like.

Perfect! Now, do we know anyone sober?

Have you been drinking?

On a Thursday?

He seems ideal.

Waah!

So, where to? A coffee shop?

No. He’ll know something’s up.

Yeah! and I’m not squanching just coffee! Let’s squanch him to a bar!

It would undercut our messaging.

So it is an intervention.

No! We’re not asking anybody to stop drinking because we’re not hypocrites or squares, we’re just concerned friends.

Then we can at least do it at a place with a bar.

Look, I think if it has food, it’s allowed to have a bar.

[Screams]

[Thuds]

Mr. Poopybutthole: Appreciate you guys taking me out. It’s been a rough week. Amy’s taking pilaaaates from a guy named Guy.

You’ve been surveilling your ex-wife?

Oooweeee, not with the restraining order! I hired a Predator to follow her around.

You can hire [burps] Predators?

Yeah, they’re cheap because they live for the hunt– you just have to pay ’em to not kill your target, and if they stay cloaked, there’s no licensing fee.

Welcome to Fuck You’s! My name is Mart, and… Fuck you! See, at Fuck You’s, we lightly tease our customers.

Oh, this is fun!

What do you know, Gilligan?

[Chuckles] Nice!

Look at this depressed pencil eraser. Did some middle schooler stick you up a cat’s asshole? I bet you had everything and you watched it slip through your powerless little fingers like the sands of time. Be right back to take your order, folks, or should I say, fucks!

Perhaps this wasn’t the best place to do this, Rick.

What are you talkin’ about? This is a great place to celebrate my birthdaaay! Birthday-Birthday– birthday-birthday–

Your birthday?  Ooo weee. I can’t believe y’all remembered! I was at the end of my rope, thinking I’d worn out aaall my welcomeees. Thanks for doing all this, Riiick!

Oof course, Mr. PB. What are friends for?

Heard we got a birthday boy?!

Yeeeah, but please don’t sing or–

Yah! Fuck you, shithead!

Haha, yeah. That sure is a smart hat… Because even my son Poopy Jr. hates me! [Crying] Ooooweehehehe!

I can relate. Birddaughter is a total bitch. If you’re a parent, you can say that.

Weeeell. Should we do shooots?

Rick?

Let’s get riggity-riggity-wrecked!

[All cheer] ♪ I-I-I take a shot ♪

♪ Do a pop, blow a line, huff turpentine ♪

♪ Get wrecked, text your ex, fight a cop, feeling fine ♪

♪ Punch your dick, turn some tricks ♪

♪ Quit your job, buy a dog ♪

♪ Have two beers, then ten more ♪

♪ Pop a pill and meet the floor ♪

[Slurps] That one’s not my bellybutton.

Well, what is it?

[Screaming]

Oo weee!

[Laughter]

Whoa!

Whoo-hoo!

Hold on, everyone!

Whoa! Ah!

Oh, God!

Oh, woah!

I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!

Is there a restroom?!

At the front.

[Grunts]

Mr. Poopybutthole: Oh, it was a bad idea! Oooo weee!

Yeah, ha ha!

Oh, man!

[Brakes hiss]

[All groaning]

Oooo weee!

[Dance music plays]

[Laughter]

Whoo!

Aah! Oh, shit, it’s happening! Honey rave! Bee time, baby!

Whoa, what world is this?

We’re on Earth.

How do you know?

Because I think that is Hugh Jackman.

[Music continues in slow-motion]

Oh, shit, it is.

Hey, Jackman!

Makes sense he recognizes me. We both hosted the Oscars. It’s a pretty exclusive club. Listen, guys, don’t make this tacky. Nobody call him “Wolverine.” Just treat him like a regular–

Gene! Small world, mate!

Hugh! Hugh married my cousin. Which I guess makes him a Wolver-ine-law.

Ha ha! That is fantastic! Hey, didn’t you host the Oscars?

Yeah, I, uh–

Alright, alright, listen.

Now, I’m not assuming you guys want to party with me tonight, but if you do–

Yes we do. Ooo wee!

I wanna party with Hugh Jackman. Squanch yeah!

If you do, you do it together, as a team. Now, I need to go take what I call a “Huge Ackman.” Ackman is Australian slang for shit. Don’t look it up. Do make a decision. Because from here, I’m heading to the Jack Shack.

What’s the Jack Shack?

It’s just his house. But, guys, I don’t think we should go there.

I challenge you to explain why not without making us want to go more.

Well, Hugh’s pretty anti-limitation. When he parties, it gets extreme.

Challenge failed.

Woah! What’s extreme by the Gene metric? Does he have “Les Mis” shot glasses?

We’re not exactly squanchweights, brother.

It’s my birthday, and I wish to party with Huuugh Jackman.

♪ Then you shaaaaaalllllllll! ♪

That was a fast shit.

But first everybody’s taking these.

What are they?

Huh, maybe they’re Tic Tacs. Maybe they’re cyanide. [Chuckling] Maybe I don’t like to party with people that hesitate. Heh heh heh! There you go! That’s the spirit! Now we’re all completely… ♪ Fuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh! ♪

[Chanting in harmony]

This was not oversold!

“A, B, D, E”-I lost my “C.” My alphabet has no “C”!

Did I do these already? D-Did I ask that already?

Squanch, yeah! My turn! Did I win?

Mm. [Sniffles] Mm.

Ahhh… The best bloody day of my life.

My wedding was pretty great, too.

I was talking about the Tony award. Yooohoho! Pull!

Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

Yeah! We’re squanching now!

Why the long face, mate?

Shape of my skull.

You know, Mr. Poopybutthole, when I wrote “Caribbean Queen,” you know what my agent said?

Billy Ocean wrote that–

That’s what he said. Exactly that. “Billy Ocean wrote this. Don’t write it again. You’re not Billy Ocean.” You know what I did? I fired my agent. Don’t accept other people’s limitations. What does your heart want, lil’ ripper? Right now, don’t think.

Right now, my heart wants Amy back.

Everybody! Our friend wants Amy back.

Squanch idea!

I will agree to anything in this state.

I do not think that’s a good idea.

Ladies and gentlemen! This man is a fake friend!

Come on, Hugh.

“Come on, Hugh. Come on, everybody. Don’t call Hugh Jackman Wolverine. Don’t call yourself Billy Ocean. Don’t get Amy Back.” You’re a vampire, brother. You feed off other people’s energy.

That is kind of true.

Are you kidding me?! You’ve been living on my daughter’s sofa for months!

Do you want me to leave?

The entire family does!

Why not say something?

Because you’re my friend!

A real friend would have known it’s not my birthday.

[Laughing] Oooooooooh, shit! Fake friend!

You’re not helping, Hugh Jackman!

Yoooooou do not tell meeeeee what to do! Or anyone here.

Affirmative.

Woo!

Yeah, baby!

Why would you pretend it was your birthday?!

You think I don’t know a half-assed intervention when I see one coming?!

Oooooooooooooh, shit! Mm! I love where you are, man. You’re just Wolverining right now. You-You feel that?

I think so. Does Wolverining hurt a little?

Together: Every time!

Alright, grab a drink to go, gentlemen. Because we’re either getting Amy back… or… we’re going home.

You’re nuts!

Then nut me up, bitch! Nut me up!

Together: [Chanting] Nut me up! Nut me up!

It’s not an expression!

Woo!

Ha ha!

Amy’s coming back dead or alive!

Woah! Haha!

Yes!

Yeah!

Fake friend, my ass. I know how to be there for my friends.

[Groaning]

Father?! Why?!

Ah, crap. Hang on. Lemme go upstairs and grab the business finisher.

From where I’m sitting, you’re the one with unfinished business.

Hey, mind your own business.

Business is my business! And, brother, business is good.

[Sighs]

[Insects chirping]

Oh, you come back to ruin our fuuun?

No. To help you finish this. I made you guys come out because I didn’t want to talk to PB alone. I’m here to go down with the ship.

Respect, Rick.

Gene: Hit it, Hugh!

[Instrumental cover of “Caribbean Queen” plays]

♪ I lose my cool when she steps in the room ♪

♪ Unh, unh ♪

♪ And I get so excited just from her perfume ♪

Oo weee, there she is. My Amy!

Hugh: ♪ Electric eyes that you can’t ignore ♪

Oh, she feels my love around her! Oowee!

Wow. Your love is pretty strong.

I guess that’s not all she’s feeling.

♪ And passion burns you like never before ♪

Predator P.I.? This is the opposite of what I hired you for!

Now, now. Did you do this, Gul’Karna?

♪ I was in search of a good time ♪ You do this? You do this?

♪ Just running my game ♪

I’m gonna uncloak this later… Now. Now. Now.

♪ Love was the furthest, furthest from my mind, yeah ♪

Okay, honestly, PB, that could have gone a lot worse– PB?

♪ Caribbean Queen ♪

Ooooweeee, gotta goooo!

Run!

[Growls]

I’m too drunk to flee a Predator right now!

Mud! The-The mud thing! Everyone mud up and hide!

What’s that smell?

Ugh, Squanchy! That’s not mud.

Well, I’m not from this planet!

Daddy, what’s happening?

Quiet, Poopy Jr.! I’m taking you home!

Aah!

Look, I just didn’t think I could–

What? Be honest?

Don’t high-road me! It’s just as dishonest to play dumb about wearing out your welcome!

You could’ve just told me!

You’re an adult! Read the room and figure it out!

[Tab pops]

[Roars]

I admit it-that-that was self destructive.

Use me as a shield! I feel nothing!

Ca-cawwww!

[Both scream]

Squanch this!

[Grunts]

[Groans] I’m so– I’m so squanched up, man.

[Growls]

[Grunts]

I-I’m not really with these guys. I was just walking in this park–

Aagh! No!

[Garbled] Why is this my thing?!

No! I won’t let you take my family from me!

[Grunting]

Ow! Oh, ohhhhhhh!

[Roars]

Guess you didn’t see season 4, episode 3! Let’s go–

Oh! Oh! Ohh! Fuck! [Snarls] Oh!

Who’s got the three dots on their forehead now?

Could have done that before he punched me.

[Growls]

Suck my squanch!

[Snarls]

Ahhh!

[Groans]

[All grunting]

Gimme that big ol’ tooth!

Gullll’Karrrna…

[Groaning]

[Screeching]

No, no, no, stop!

What are you doing? I want that skull!

No, Rick. No more. This is my fault. All of it. And if he’s gonna protect my wife and chiiild, that’s a great thing to know while I get my shit together.

Amy: Wayne?

Wayne?

Aaaamy. I-I messed up real baaad. I came to say I don’t know what to do without you, but I guess I can start by not kidnapping.

That’s definitely where you should start.

[Growls softly]

I’m… sorry, Amy.

You should be. But I’m not. We’re a family now-Me, Poopy Jr., and Gul’Karna, Clan Leader of The Skin-Thieves. Goodbye, Wayne.

Goodbye. Ooo-weee, a musket?

I’m starting to think it’s like their currency.

I hunt because I must. But man possesses a precious gift-the power to change.

More like the power of music, bitch!

What the fuck?!

Jesus, Hugh, we were just resolving it.

Well, I’m an actor, and I’m high.

“‘Caribbean Queen,’ written by Hugh Jackman, age sixteen.”

How’s that for a twist?

Confusing.

Well, sometimes you have to believe.

Wow, that’s reeeal inspiring. Makes me think of how–

Get the hell out of here!

Okay, okay, sorry!

Alright guys, I’m buying drive-through tacos, but nobody tells my nutritionist and we have to steal a car.

Rick: “Wayne,” huh?

Oooweee. But I prefer Mr. Pooooopybutthole. More refined.

[Phone buzzes and caws]

It appears Birddaughter has broken into another Federation compound. I must go. Wayne, this counts as attending your actual birthday. Rick. It was… canonical to see you.

Yeah, let’s call it. I wanna pass out before I remember what we did tonight.

I never want to forget it. And I never want to repeat it.

Proud of you, little buddy. You too, Squanch.

Awww, fuck! Look at us! A bird guy, talking cat, uh, what are you? A robot man, and a mutant. Wow. Was a bonzer night, mates! That’s one for the books.

Mr. Poopybutthole: Oooo, bonzer night indeed. Kept in touch with the guys over the years. As much as ya can in this fast world. Birdperson went home to take on a challenge way more difficult than a Predator– raising Birddaughter. Gearhead went back to The Gear System and got a spinal replacement. He’s still paying it off. Squanchy? Checked himself into a nice rehab. No one thought it would stick, and it didn’t. He was later arrested for smuggling toad venom across the border. Hugh Jackman went to the Jack Shack to glue back together the Tony award that Gene shot. And possibly to put a bullet in all future Wolverine references. Thanks to us. And what came of Rick? I think he learned something that night. About friendship. About honesty. And maybe he learned something about himseelllf.

Oh. Here. Forgot to give you a fading pill. Great for hangovers. Just to clarify, I-I had to take an un-fading pill to counteract the original fading pill I just took.

Oh. Uh. Okay?

And if you’re hung up on why the taxi disappeared, the-the pills aren’t sentient, but they do detect human coverings, so it saw the taxi as some sort of large overcoat– doesn’t matter. You, uh, gonna be alright? Got a place to stay? I can 3D print you an apartment on the moon.

I’ll figure it out, Rick. Thanks.

Well, here I go pill’in again.

Yep. Don’t any of you worry about Mr. Pooooopybutthole. I got a lot of work to do, but I’ll land on my poopy little feet. I always do! Owww! This burns like hell! How did the other guys not react? Is mine different? It’s like my skin is boiling!

Guys, I got the Best Buds Burrito Box! They normally ask for proof of friendship, but the cashier trusted me that you guys were out… heeere.

Not cool, man.

Aah.

[Police radio chatter]

[Siren wails in distance]

You don’t have to do this, Sheriff! It’s your last day on the job!

That’s exactly why I must. I ain’t retiring a coward. Now get out of here, Officer. And go take care of my granddaughter.

[Gunshot]

[Smooches]

[Smooches]

♪ When I was young and in my prime ♪

♪ My mind being free from care ♪

I ain’t scared of you!

♪ Whilst leaving all in Donegal ♪

♪ That I might plough ♪

[Strained] ♪ The raging main ♪

♪ Going to Amerikay-♪

[Whimpers]

[Mower powers down]

W-What happened?

I think it ran out of gas.

Oh. Sooo, he could have survived if he just stood back five feet?

Well… let’s not tell his granddaughter that.

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