Episode aired September 5, 2021
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[Distant screaming]
Oh! Oh! Ah!
It’s the crow man!
[Crow cawing]
[Belches]
Give it a second. Maybe he’s taking it out to surrender.
[Whooshing]
[Sword clangs]
♪
He’s anti-heroic. Run!
[Feet pattering] I don’t understand.
He’s only one man!
With the power of a thousand crows.
[Crows cawing]
Oh, oh! Ooh!
[Strained] Good luck.
Crows and owls have always been at war, but why do you care? What’s the point?
Here’s two.
[Grunts]
[Cheers and applause]
Ha-ha! Yeah. Cool.
Morty?
Uh, h-hey, man! Good to see you!
[Crows cawing]
Y-You’re, like, looking, like, into crows… still.
Oh, uh, two crows, you remember Morty. Morty, two crows.
[Crows caw]
It’s good to see you, but if you’d given me more of a heads up…
Well, I-I was just in the neighborhood. I-It wasn’t like…
It’s just that the battle for crows is kind of never-ending.
Huh. Right. A little pointless, then, right? That came out wrong, s-sounded judgy.
Crowhorse. Crowhorse.
Okay.
Crowhorse. Crowhorse.
Looks like… looks like they’re leading you to a thing.
Take care, Morty.
You… You too! I-I’m doing good, by the way. Oh, my dad was gonna eat that yogurt you left in the fridge but I-I told him…
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[Insects chirping]
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[Rick belches]
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[Indistinct talking]
[Thunder crashes]
[Clears throat] I’m looking for… Crow Scare. The scarecrow? The evil scarecrow? Come on. Whoever gives him up first lives. Fine, I can kill an extra asshole. Helps me get my steps in.
[Whooshing]
♪
Ah!
[Clanging]
Ahhh!
Rick!
Morty?
Wood?!
Aghhhh!
Uh, Morty, why are you now like 40?
Th-That’s how long it’s been, Rick.
Oh, uh, I guess we can have a drink together, then.
Do you have a rum and Coke?
What are you, 20?
[Chuckling] Oh, bless your heart.
Time be goin’ by, don’t she?
That’s your reaction to finding out you wasted your entire life?
I feel okay.
Well… well, what about me?!
Whoa. Excuse us, boys. You don’t wanna be here for this.
[Crows cawing]
I thought if I gave you enough space, you’d outgrow this… phase.
Here’s your drink, poser.
Dad got sick, you know. Stage 4. You would’ve loved it. Summer’s a nurse… well, pretty much a nurse. She… She married a junkie. Rick, come home, while we still got a little time.
Morty, what we had wasn’t healthy.
And this is? Y-You’ve had a thousand adventures with these crows. When are you gonna kill their big bad?
First off, the “will they/kill they” is everything to my guys. And second, f*ck you for trying to undermine my happiness.
This may be the last time you ever lay eyes on me!
I hope that’s not true, Morty, because you look like s[burps]sh*t, and this is not how I wanna remember you.
♪
♪
Crow Scare: Now that I have his two crows, nothing will stop me from eliminating Crow Rick.
[Crows cawing]
Don’t defend him to me. I don’t even get what you see in him.
[Crows cawing]
You’re right. We should be enjoying the time we have together.
Crow Rick! Oh, I-I know what this must look like, but…
It looks like my arch nemesis, Crow Scare, and my sidekicks planning adventures together.
You are hardly the victim here. I was adventuring with these two crows before you ever came along.
[Crows cawing]
What do you mean, “using me as a rebound?”
[Cawing]
You feel like I was using you as a rebound, too? Well, sh*t, this lost all meaning. I guess it could have been worse. At least adventuring was just a metaphor for romantic partnership, so it’s not a real break-up.
Speak for yourself. We immensely enjoy each other’s bodies.
What?! Ugh! No!
Sounds like the man’s asking for proof. Let’s show him, fellas!
I-I asked for zero proof! Ahh! Zero proof!
[Whoosh!]
[Metal clanging]
I’m giving you free will. Yah!
Crow Horse: Submit to Crow Horse!
[People screaming]
Whoops.
[Doorbell rings]
Rick?
Wubba lubba dub dub! I’m back, pal!
Jerry: Morty, who’s at the door?
Wait a minute. I thought you died gruesomely? W-what the hell’s going on here?
See, uh, the… the thing is, uh…
Can you please make Morty 14 again, Dad? This is ridiculous.
Okay, look, I-I may have used an aging serum to kind of emotionally blackmail you a little…
I kind of figured, and I totally get it, Morty, I-I’m done with the two crows. Like, they were super clingy and I’m ready to make this work.
Let’s just hit the reset button.
Well, no, honey, not a reset, okay? Tell your grandpa that you’re worthy of his respect and you want to be treated differently from now on.
I refuse to do that. I-I’m desperate to get back together.
Just like his old man.
Don’t worry, honey. That’s just Morty’s middle age talking. He’ll be less codependent once we get more of his life in front of him again.
Uh, I’d like him to stay 40 so he can keep buying my friends molly. I’d rather throw my vote away than use it to support a flawed system.
Can we make our first adventure fixing this? I keep thinking about lawn care.
Okay, buddy. Who sold you this shitty aging serum? What did he look like?
Just like you. I-I got it from the Citadel.
Hot damn. Hittin’ the ground running with a Citadel episode. See ya later, masturbators.
[Muzak playing]
Hi! I’m Citadel’s new mascot, Andy, because this place wouldn’t be home without Ricks “Andy” Mortys.
Dumb.
Ooh, what happened to this place?
There’s a Morty president now.
Aw, that’s cute. They rebuilt. They made it nicer.
They made it Glendale.
God damn, you are cantankerous.
Even pooping hurts now.
Yeah, well, this place is gonna fix you right up.
Okay, so, we’ve got a standard Morty that’s been aged to… 40?
Can you reverse it?
Well, if you look at it like a bone, what we can do is break his age in two places, remove the middle, and graft its ends back together.
Th-that sounds really violent.
It’s not a literal bone, Morty.
Oh, okay.
Ah, brace yourself, the process does also break every bone in your body.
Wait! Aah! Ooh! Ow! I like crayons. Girls are gross.
I-I think I feel like myself again.
Uh, you look a little weird. Your skin’s all pink like a baby mouse. I-Is that normal?
Probably. Uh, sign here for storage or disposal of the 26 years we removed.
Wait, what? I ain’t payin’ to store 26 years.
Well, then you’re taking it with you.
[Rumbling]
I’m almost ready to sell out.
Alright, what’s disposal cost?
[Rumbling and punching]
Oh! S-something unfair’s happening.
There’s no escape. No escape!
Let me help you! This is not a good look.
Oh!
[Gunshot]
Oh, boy.
Hey! They… they shot me!
You are seriously hurting the Citadel experience.
Listen to me!
Drop the gun!
Death is coming for us all, and the Citadel is a weapon of mass des…
[Gunshot]
Woof. You’re about to get suspended with pay. Come on, Morty, let’s get outta here before this gets political.
Oh! Was I… influential?
Yeah, y-you were influential. Y-You had like seven… seven blogs.
Tight. Oh.
Ugh. Too late.
Rick C-137, President Morty requests you join him for dinner.
Whoa! S-Seriously?
You know I destroyed this place.
You’ve been pardoned for that, sir.
Rick! Let’s have dinner with the Morty President.
Morty, the idea was to get back to simple adventures. The Citadel runs on canon.
Okay. I guess things really are just going right back to how they were.
Fine. I could eat. But the second he reveals he’s evil, we’re gone.
[Ominous music playing]
I dunno. It tastes… pretty good.
Okay, let me know if you start feeling poisony. Good to have you back, buddy.
Mmm!
Sorry I’m late. Never really ends around here.
Look at this, Morty. They really did make a you the president.
And I hate ’em every day for it. But wow! Rick C-137. Now, that’s a guy to move your schedule around for. Not… Not here to blow the place up again, I hope.
[Chuckles] Ha! Not unless you try to keep me here.
Ha-ha, geez. Wouldn’t dream of it. But it’s amazing you dropped by because I was eventually gonna hunt you down.
There’s the reveal. Let’s dance.
Ha! Geez.
Rick, come on, man. The guy got elected president by Ricks and Mortys. He’s being really nice.
All politicians are nice.
He’s a hot bag of peanuts, isn’t he?
We’ve been through a lot. A-And he does not like…
Serialized drama.
Right, no drama. Keep it episodic. Ricks never look back. Waste of a legend in his case. You know he practically built this place?
Wait, what?
And now you’re running it squeaky clean, right? That’s why you got deformed Mortys coming up through the sewer lines talking about hope and change?
Fair enough.
Good clapback, Rick. What’s the deal with that, Mister P?
I got a little project going on. Required some hands-on labor. It would require less if you were willing to tell me how one might bring down the Central Finite Curve.
Alright, time to go, Morty.
I want to know what he’s talking about.
Yeah, you’ve come all this way. Can you give me 10 more seconds?
Literally 10? Because now it would be 6.
Oh, I’m fine with that. Make it 2. One.
[Ding!]
Like I said, would have been a big help for you to tell me, but I should have everything I need from you now. Let me just make sure.
You can’t scan an entire brain over appetizers.
Oh, most of yours got scanned a long time ago. You probably don’t remember.
Check out season 1, episode 9, Rick Heads. Excel[burps]sior!
Evil Rick.
We kicked his ass!
“Evil Rick.” I love it. Smartest man in the universe, with an ego so big you can just grab it like a joystick.
[Whirring]
Looks complete. I was afraid I’d have to kill every Rick on the Citadel to get what I needed.
You asshole! I vouched for you! He only came here because I asked him to. I’m sorry, Rick.
That apology and a screwdriver in my hand would be worth a screwdriver.
You sellout Mortys kill me. I’d hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can’t help it. You were bred for it. Wanna see?
[Whirring]
You already know Rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it worked so well that the Citadel became its own Morty Market. And I’m sure you don’t know how far they’ve gone to help supply meet demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons. But why bother? So much work. Such an admission of need. There aren’t infinite versions of our grandfather, Morty. He’s an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he’s attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we’re with him. This is why we’re alive.
What the f*ck? Rick, say this isn’t true.
It isn’t the whole truth.
Both: Liar!
It’s complicated!
I’m not busy.
Okay, Morty, remember when I said all I need was your apology and a screwdriver in my hand? Well, I forgot I literally have a screwdriver in my hand.
I mean, duh-doy. I’m basically Inspector Gadget.
Uh-oh.
It’s okay. He’s free to go. He’s the Rickest Rick. We’ll never see him again.
Morty, when you came here for that serum, did you refill this gun?
Yeah.
Oh. Ooh!
Holy sh*t!
I only know one man that ever hacked my portal gun, and it turned out it was evil you.
Yay! He’s all caught up.
Wait. Hold it. Hold it.
Who… Who’s that?
Time for Big Boy. Duck!
Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Does he like it?
It’s a metaphor for capitalism, Morty. What do you think?
Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh!
Ohh! Ohhhhhh!
[Grunting]
Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh!
[Grunts]
Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Ohhhhhh!
Rick: Yoink!
You can’t outrun your past, Rick. Did you think my force field would be down the second time?
I was expressing disapproval of your dialogue.
[Chuckles] Disapprove all you want. Tonight, the quality of dialogue stops mattering. Tonight, I do that thing I want to do with the curve thing.
Loudspeaker: Nobody leave. Everybody stay. Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
[Mortys screaming]
Aaaaaaah!
[Gunfire]
Nobody leave. Everybody stay.
In uncertain times like these, I think it’s important for me to say, eat shit, f*ck you. The drug companies paid for me to say every word. I have millions of dollars, and I don’t care if you live… oh, God!
Oh, f*ck! No! Aah!
And I’d just like to say that prescription drugs are great, and you should buy them now.
Morty: What’s happening, Rick?
He hacked the entire city’s portal supply. Come on, there still might be one way out of here… out the bottom.
♪
What do you think he needed from your brain?
I assume schematics for the Citadel’s dimensional drive. If he’s gonna use it to blow the curve, we do not want to be here.
What is the Central Finite Curve?
Q&A after our survival. Hopefully we can snag some untainted fluid at the source and get the f*ck out of here. Or not. Wow. I thought my capitalism metaphor was on the nose.
Ow! Oh!
So did you help build the Citadel? Do you just lie to me about everything?
Can’t we just sneak through the cave base? We turned a new leaf, Morty. We’re back to simple adventures.
It’s not a new leaf until you tell me everything.
Morty, we really don’t have time for this. The whole place is gonna blow. No, I-I don’t trust you.
I-I don’t want to do this anymore if I’m not gonna get straight answers from you.
God damn it! Here’s my f*cking downloaded brain, Morty. You want to jump the shark? You want to know my stupid crybaby backstory? Knock yourself out. Not… not now!
♪
[Explosion]
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[Explosion]
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[Whirring]
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[Laughing]
♪
[Laughter]
Boo ya, Rick.
Nice one, Morty!
Whoa. Dead wife?
Yes, now everyone can shut up about it.
Wow, Rick, I feel a lot better having seen all that.
[Chuckles] Of course that’s the case. In their minds, they’re the underdogs. And that’s how they justify this.
[Whirring]
Rick: Morty, I’m not responsible for every f*cked-up Rick out there.
They literally all say that. They all have that excuse. It’s part of their system. None of them have to be responsible. They’re all victims of themselves. Oh, it’s so hard to be a genius. Couldn’t you just die?
Well, what are you doing about it?
Jack sh*t, I’m leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he’s the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib built around an infinite f*cking baby. And I’m leaving it. That’s what makes me evil… being sick of him. If you’ve ever been sick of him, you’ve been evil, too.
Rick, did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you?
There you go, kid. Now you’re Evil Morty, too. Sooner or later we all are, on this side of the curve.
[Whirring]
♪
Ah!
Ah!
♪
Don’t worry, Morty. We still got a way out they never thought of… Operation Phoenix.
Doesn’t that still mean, like, death?
Sure, but the joke’s on them, ’cause we just found a backdoor to getting off this rock.
[Gunshot]
REROUTED. REROUTED.
A.I.: Rerouted. Rerouted. Rerouted.
[All screaming]
Rerouted. Rerouted. Rerouted.
[Explosion]
Oh, my f*cking God!
Come on, Morty. We gotta go.
Evil Morty: You can come if you want. Don’t blame me if you don’t.
Ugh! From where I sit, Morty, that’s the best deal on the table. I-I don’t have a real plan.
[Grunts]
Thanks, pal. I-I’m glad you ignored my advice.
It’s just as well. I lied. That second seat’s a toilet.
Oh. Super dick move. But weirdly kind of cool to admit it.
Geez, you guys really are bred for forgiveness. Let’s go.
♪
[All exclaiming]
♪
♪
Say goodbye to the Citadel, fellas.
[Rumbling]
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[Rocket fires]
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[Both screaming]
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[Sighs]
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[Slurping and zapping]
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Ooowee! Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him, ’cause, well, guess I’ve made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooowee. Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It… It was kinda funny. But I guess things went downhill from there. Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling, but then I guess I stopped, ’cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, ultimately hurting the only people brave enough to love us. Wish I didn’t do that. Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it. We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooowee.
