Episode aired September 5, 2021
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It came as a shock to many… But with the power vacuum left by the heartless consumption of our dictator, we shall impose even more Draconian cookie law, one be-cookieing at a time!
Oh, thank you! They took power immediately after you and your grandpa left.
Err sorry about that, Rick doesn’t really do ‘transition plans,’ I-I think he was just hungry.
Well, now with you here, perhaps a new system of government? King Morty–
Sorry, look I gotta run, I-I’m sure you guys’ll figure it out, I-I believe in you!
Morty! Can you help us with this UFO-shaped hole?
Sure, geez, but y’know only because I was in the neighborhood.
Morty, thank God!
The beast emerged right after your grandpa left and its gem went missing…
Geez, that is a crazy coincidence that I-I if I were you, probably just best left alone.
He’s right. We-We should celebrate. Feast?
No time. S-S-Sounds pretty classic though, don’t let me hold you up!
[Gasps] Son of a bitch. He marked it.
Hey, what the hell?
You got some of that green stuff on you too, huh?
Th-Th-This is bad. Th-This is really bad.
Hey, how do you think I feel? I had the ultimate stash hole and now I got a kid in my thigh.
Look, you seem like a perfectly nice guy in my hand hole, but if I can’t sort this out I’m dead…
What the hell, dude? Gross.
I-I-I was just trying to…
You’re just trying to what? Where’d this stuff come from? Garbage Goober, get out here and eat this garbage.
Mmm, trash, I love trash, yum yum trash, I wanna eat trash…
Hell yeah, I love that lil guy. Wait a minute. Is that Mountain Dew in my quantum transport solution?
I-I saw you were marking the levels so I-I had to top it off.
“Top it off?” Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is? And you added it to my portal fluid?!
Only because you don’t trust me!
Oh, that’s great logic, Morty… forgive me for not doing the kissy chef gesture since you probably spilled this [bleep] everywhere and I don’t want to teleport my lips.
I did I did not spill it!
I won’t take your word for that and I shouldn’t have to, which is why I have sidekick rules.
If you can’t follow them…
I can be replaced, yeah, yeah, so you keep telling me.
Excuse me? Did you just try to call my bluff? Have you ever seen me bluff?
Fine. You know what, replace me! Replace me, Rick! Just do it. Good luck finding someone that can be told 80 thousand times how replaceable they are!
Okay. I’ll see your bluff call and raise you reality. I can’t pretend I haven’t been looking forward to this. Behold my Wheel of Better Things Than Morty.
Wh-What are you eight? I-Is this macaroni art? You expect me to believe you built this because you don’t care?
No, I built this because I don’t expect shit from you. Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let’s go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop! Okay, that’s it. Two crows.
You know what? Eat sh*t. You’re just trying to make me feel worthless.
I never said you’re worthless. In fact, I’ve given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn’t say three!
Man, that is not a healthy relationship. I hope you don’t mind me eavesdropping. Maybe we can figure out some sort of sound-proof bandage solution. Hey did Garbage Goober eat my porno magazines?
So, were you like, a friend of Rick’s?
W-What’s he doing, i-is he out there making sure you see him collecting two crows? And now you’re thinking, gee, maybe if he cares enough to hurt me this bad… dot dot dot. Break the cycle, Morty. Change the things that you can change. That’s what I did. And now I’m free.
Only cramming six years into six minutes, fellas. Take your time! Now that’s what I’m talking about! If ya nail this next one, I’ve got bird quaaludes. And I might even share.
Y-You know you can stop doing that for my benefit. Y’know or-or keep doing it. Doesn’t matter. I’m out. I’m walking away.
Wait. Morty. Don’t go. Not until you see this! Commence bird on a wire!
[Groans loudly] Jerk.
Hey, let’s hang out. We’re like brothers now, we both got away y’know, w-where are you at?
Ooh, you know what, shoot, can’t. I’m an alien, um, so…
That’s okay, Rick turned my bike into a spaceship for “solo adventures” like picking up his Venusian foot ointment. God I’m seeing it so clearly now.
[Switch clicks, whirring, warbling]
Oh. Wait. I-It says here you’re on Earth.
Yeah. Ah. Don’t come here.
Why not? Look, I-I get it, my room is sometimes messy too, I’ll-I’ll pick you up right outside your… mental asylum.
You literally said “I’m free.”
I’m literally not free.
Stop! That’s my blanket!
How do you know Rick?
Look I came to your place with him one night after the bar closed. I started messing around in your garage and I spilled that portal stuff on me and he… kind of launched me to Australia… like with this weirdly primitive catapult, but…
but the ammunition is an airtight carbon chamber, yeah, that-that… that’s how we lost our cable guy.
Anyways, that kind of experience shakes you up. So, sorry I misled you, have a nice life.
Nick. You got a visitor.
Damn, what happened to you?
The guards like to beat us on Sundays. Still better than Mondays.
Geez, what happens then?
They lick our faces when we’re tied down. Plus it’s meat loaf day.
Well… you’re leaving now, buddy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I-I swiped ’em off the guard on my way in.
I-I mean, sure, yeah, I could undo my lock, but then what? After the smartest guy in the world’s done with ya, it’s kinda hard to find a footing again.
That’s why I need to get you out of here. We’re not the problem, he is. And if you can have a fresh start, then maybe I can too. It’s not like it’s a prison break. We’re just leaving, like, a hospital that wants to help you extra bad. Follow me!
Hey get back here, you better open this door!
I can fly!
Keep running, Nick. The more you sweat, the saltier your cheeks.
Thanks, Morty. That dude’s got a tongue like a cat.
Stop those Portal Boys!
Did you hear that? That’s gonna stick!
Damn. Just like Jackie Chan!
Hah! I guess that makes me Chris Tucker.
Gonna get you!
Holy sh*t! Did you see that? I mean you blinded a guy with puke!
Oh, it was insane. Gimme dap.
Am I doing it right? D-D-Did I give you a dap yet?
Look at us. We got out. And not just from the asylum but from Rick. You get to say what an adventure is now. You still got that list?
Dude, we can’t do that stuff without Rick’s tech.
Then it’s time the Portal Boys get themselves a portal gun.
Remember your training, crows. The idol should be around that corner!
Do you guys just follow training when you feel like it? That’s not being trained, that’s being dicks.
Ah, now I see. The real treasure is empathy. And that’s worth way more than any knick-knack. You guys just earned yourselves another adventure! The adventure is, you’re fired. Sorry, guys, if I wanted another bleeding heart, I’d inject reanimator serum into an actual bleeding heart. Relax, this is an avian planet with 40 million species of bird, even one day of working under me will make you apex geniuses down there. Now hop into these pneumatic canisters they used to use at bank drive-thrus in the ’70s.
What the… Hey! Who’s tractor beaming me?! Nobody tractor beams me… Nobody descrambles my tractor beam scrambler to boot.
Sorry for the tractor beaming, but did you lose these two crows?
Oh, uh, yeah, no I-I dropped ’em off ’cause I-I can’t hold a candle to them. Y’know it s-seemed like a… the decent thing to do.
Be your crows. Train yourself. Crows are then trained.
I’m open to what you’re describing if it’s easier than wiping an unearned smirk off my grandson’s face. W-What do I do?
Look at your crows. Be your crows.
God I am so glad I’m a primate. Fine. Looking at my crows.
We train ourselves to stop training. The trained are untrained, we are untrained. All training is complete.
Because no training was needed.
My God. I-I get it, now. We are gonna shove this crow shit down Morty’s throat!
Nick, m-maybe this isn’t a good idea. L-Like what if he catches us? He could trap me in a Matrix again.
Listen to yourself. We wouldn’t even be in this situation if the dude hadn’t f*cked us both over.
Damn it. He must be showing the gun off to his stupid crows… i-it’s not fair!
It’s okay, we can still liberate all this other stuff.
Let’s only grab what we need, though.
Oh, no. Sh*t. That’s Rick’s can crusher! H-He spent three weeks perfecting that.
Morty, buddy, you forget that we’re in this together. Besides, tell me that didn’t feel the slightest bit good.
I mean yeah, but w-we can’t do that again.
Why the hell not?
Whoa! Haha! Here we go, bitch!
Son, have you fallen in with a weird stranger and are now trashing your grandpa’s place? ‘Cause I’ll help!
Dad? Psh, whatever, man.
Yeah! Now eat my ass, Rick!
Suck it, Sanchez!
Morty, is that what I think it is?
I mean, it’s the equivalent of an iPhone 3, and it’s empty but it means the Portal Boys be portal-ing!
[Robotic voice] Rick incoming.
Oh, crap, we better skedaddle!
But what about my dad, he-he’s like a-a… puddle.
You heard the garage, Rick’ll turn him back into a solid when he gets here!
Sorry, Dad, gotta go be heroes. G-Gonna take your car, love you!
That’s us down there with the poop brown roof.
[Wah, wah, wah]
What is that?
Oh. Ha. That? T-That’s… nothing.
But I see “Two Crows” written right here beside… Gene with donkey brains, half a Paul Giamatti, and… sentient shit.
I guess the “joke” being that crows are stupid?
I think it’s a little more nuanced than that.
Right, because you just learned empathy from us 10 minutes ago but now we’re going to learn we don’t get your humor?
F*cking horse shit.
Yeah, there’s not a ton to “get,” genius, the “joke” is your grandson was so replaceable that “even” two crows could do it. Haha. It’s funny except it’s not.
Right, well, to be honest, that is how I felt at the time. But I’ve-I’ve rounded a corner. I seriously have, you guys.
Well, now it’s time to round the corner of death!
Let the crow-volution begin.
Aw, that sound. What have you done?
Turned crows against dozens of humans in a 300 meter radius.
Jerry: Heeeelllllp… pleaseee…
Oh, now you beg for help?
That wasn’t me.
What do you mean?
Jerry, what the f*ck, why are you a puddle?
You don’t deserve these!
Caaatch you at a baaad time?
Yeah, Jerry. They took my goddamn crows!
Not now, Garbage Goober! Get back in your hole!
Hohoho, our first adventure! This definitely the place?
Yeah, Rick’s been ripping these guys off for years, they’ll-they’ll be really…
…uh, grateful. Y’know, there…
Let’s just get that fluid, bud. The Portal Boys are about to be in portal business!
Here he is. This rat was skimming your crystal harvest and sending it to a spaceman named Rick Sanchez.
Screw Rick! Kick his dick!
Yeah, right?! But me and Nick here, we-we put a stop to that.
The people of Kuntak thank you.
He’s a bad guy, right? Y-You’re gonna bring him to justice?
Yeah, of course.
Uh, okay, p-pleasure doing business!
Not so fast, Morty. We’re not leaving until we get what we came for.
Funny, I’m prepared to.
So hey, look, wh-what we want is portal fluid. As our thanks.
Portal fluid? You think I’d live in a lizard mine if I had portal fluid?
Right, ok, or we could just kill you for it.
He’s kidding. He’s… t-the Portal Boys only kill with kindness.
And with guns.
Oh, no. Oh, no. I-I’m not the one shooting!
I’m sorry. Stop! Stop! They’re unarmed!
Ahh! What the f*ck?! Morty! Morty!
Cool place ya got here. Very Dark Crystal meets Hot Topic. Now where are my damn crows?
[Crow alarm blares] Seriously? Is there anything not on theme here?
Even now your primate storms our ship to assert his dominance.
Touch the sacred egg and ascend. No longer shall you take orders from this beast.
But taking orders from you i-is fine?
C’mon, if you think my crows are gonna leave the great thing we have for whatever high fantasy bullsh*t this is?
You ‘re wrong. R-Right, guys? Th-This is seriously a toss-up.
Uh… someone wanna get that? Oh. It’s me, isn’t it? Woof. Lemme just make sure it’s not an emergency… Yello.
Rick, I’m so sorry, I-I messed up big!
Morty? It’s okay, y-ya can’t be worse off than me.
I-I got portal splashed, robbed you, jumped into a rebound with a psycho, and-and left a trail of dead!
Wow, somebody’s been busy.
I-I did it ’cause you hurt my feelings w-when you chose the two crows!
Jesus, it was a bit, I’m getting my ass kicked by this dumb f*cking crow story, it’s all gone tits up.
Ha, okay, I-I miss you, man.
Uh, goddamn it, might’ve been a bit too frank there.
Yeah… gonna have to call ya back.
Nick: Gah! Tiny-handed little brat… You think you can f*ck with me and get away with it?!
Then you don’t know Nick.
Busted. You don’t get it, do you? As long as we have these portals, you can never escape me.
What the hell, man. I-I thought we were both victims of Rick’s abuse.
Maybe we are, maybe we’re not. Maybe we both just drink at the same bar and maybe one night I tried to take his portal gun. See I thought Rick was my ticket to something special, but it turns out you were, Morty. And look at me now… I’m a Portal Boy.
That name sucks! I was just trying to yes-and!
You don’t get it, Morty. We’re partners. Now fall in line or I’ll make your life a living hell.
No… thank… you.
Pity, I can’t have you connected to me if you’re not on my side. That means I gotta kill you.
The thing is, I already got a partner, and there’s no room for promotions.
What the f*ck did you just do?
Cut you out of my life.
See how quickly your allies abandon you, Rick Sanchez?
Lucky for me, abandonment’s my bread and butter.
Oh sh*t. You were supposed to die!
I gotta hand it to you… I was iffy about this one but crow tech slaps!
Finish him, you fools!
Go ahead. Do it. You guys look so rad. I deserve to go out this way!
Crows: Bird… qua… luudes.
Oh, my god, that was awesome. Y-You could’ve killed me back there. H-How did you guys ever forgive me?
Right, ’cause this toxic thing I have with Morty doesn’t define us. Man, crows are empathetic as f*ck! Definitely saving this one!
Rick and two crows!
Oh, my god, Morty. Here, here come here l-let-let grandpa fix you up, What do you want, a robot hand? A lizard hand? I can make it big again like that one time?
Just my regular hand!
Right, not a time for bits, I get it. There ya go, good as new.
So we’re like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Fu-Full reset?
No. No, Morty, I think we’re done.
Be-Because I spilled the portal fluid and didn’t tell you?
No, Morty. ‘Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive. Don’t you see? I’m a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they’re more enlightened than any of us.
O-Okay? And-And what’s the undercut?
You’re not hearing me. I will never be the same so I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.
Here, I want you to have this.
Oh, wow I… You know what, Rick? You really have changed.
Thanks, Morty. I’ll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda obsessed with crows now.
♪ Every day the sun burns brighter ♪
♪ With you by my side ♪
♪ And that we go on forever ♪
♪ Together you and I ♪
Aww sh*t! Rick and two crows! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We’ll do a thousand seasons, 14 episodes each, 9-9 seconds a pop because that’s the future of viewing… shows on your shoes… Sneaki! That’s when you’ve got everybody’s attention… when they’re putting crap on their feet. That’s when they wanna laugh. Cry. Or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! The Rick and Two Crows Show, we’re gonna be layin’… layin’ walnuts on the road for car tires to open em’ you know what I mean? Forever, it’s Rick and two crows, forever!
♪ Oh, we go on ♪
♪ You by my side ♪
♪ Forever ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ We wreaked hell ♪
♪ Every night ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Running on ♪
♪ Borrowed time ♪
♪ Forever ♪
♪ You and I ♪
[Gasps] Where do you think you’re going?
Oh, well, ya know… the-the red light usually means there’s… garbage…
Did you seriously not talk to Rick yet?
I kinda hinted at it. L-Look, I know it’s not the job I came here for but it’s an honest living.
Goddamn it, Harold. What do they call you… Garbage Goober? You are a doctor for god sakes!
Look, I don’t know how I let this happen but I-I’ve let it play out so long that I can’t stop now.
You’re a coward.
You’re right. This ends here and now.
Garbage Goober, we got freshy trash trash for ya! Extra stinky just the way you like it!
Mmm, trash, I love trash… yum yum trash, I wanna eat trash.