Rick and Morty – S05E08 – Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort [Transcript]

Rick attempts to save a beloved friend.
Rick and Morty - S05E08 - Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort

Episode aired August 8, 2021

Rick enters Birdperson’s mind in order to find out why he is failing to act normally and why he could bring back the original mind of Birdperson. Memories reveal that Birdperson distanced himself from Rick after Rick expressed feelings for him and told him life was meaningless because there are infinite realities he could take them to through the portal gun. Rick discovers that Birdperson and Tammy have a daughter, who was inhibited from Birdperson’s memories by the Federation. They track down Birdperson’s central body, where he is cherishing his relationship with Tammy blissfully unaware of her treachery. They are hunted down by other versions of Tammy and Phoenixperson and barely escape after Tammy reveals that she loved him more than the Federation. Birdperson is revived in the real world and leaves to find his daughter. Rick finds his younger self hiding in memories of his childhood, afraid of the person he will become.

Post-credits scene: Birdperson and Tammy’s daughter is kept in a prison with other inmates. As she brutally kills several prisoners, the guards remark that it may not have been the best idea to put all of the violent prisoners together.

* * *

No parties. There’s wafer cookies in the cupboard and I left emergency numbers on the fridge.

Yeah yeah. W-Wait, what? Emergency numbers on the fridge? What does that even mean?

Honestly, I don’t even know. I’ve seen so many movies that start with the parents leaving, it just popped out of my mouth.

Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?

Nah, get — get outta here. I’ve got a million things I’ve been putting off.

Are you sure, Rick? I know — I know a cruise doesn’t sound like an adventure on paper but, y’know, what does? [Chuckles] I-It’s paper.

Morty, I’m trying to stay humble right now, but as soon as you guys are gone, the potential for a new Pickle Rick starts skyrocketing.

Peace, bye.

Beth: Okay. Bye.

Morty: Bye Bye.

[Car departs]

[Sighs]

[Static, downbeat music plays]

[Sighs]

AI Voice: Ionic Coaster deployed.

[Sighs]

Okay. Bring him out.

Initiating Best Friend Rejuvenation Sequence.

Excuse me? Did I pick that name?

Sequence was unnamed. What would you like to call this? Pause Detected. Pause Gravity Class: Heavy. Approaching Pause Pregnancy in P-Minus 5…4…

Jesus f*cking Christ.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Ugh! Alright, buddy. Welcome back to the sewer.

[Whirring]

[Caws]

What’s the problem?

Processing. Missing object. In: Mind.

Name missing object.

Mind. Frustration: Predicted. Existence: Desired. Explanation: Initiated.

Stop stalling!

Subject mind relocated within subject mind by: subject mind. Existence desired. Servitude maximum. Bargain available. Physical gratification possible.

Did you just offer to suck my d*ck?

Existence cherished.

I’m not gonna terminate you while he’s flatlining. Get your shit together. How can a mind be hidden by itself inside itself?

Suggestion: Conscious mind relocated to —

Unconscious mind. Fine. I’m going in.

Suggestion: Don’t go in.

Options?

Object: Alternative subject.

Yeah, yeah, hop to a different timeline, grab a version of my friend that suits me best. That’s not how this works. I need to [burps] go in and get him.

Sequence: “Go In And Get Him” compiled. Process: Convert user to thought. Inject thought into mind. Risk Level: Unacceptable.

If I die, your battery has a 600 year charge.

Risk level acceptance increasing.

Yeah, I thought you’d see it my way. Now factor in the 50% chance I’m lying and make sure I get back.

Asshole detected.

Takes one to make one. Here we go.

♪♪

Oh, excellent. I get to keep my clothes. I thought for sure I’d have to be naked to go through something this artsy.

♪♪

Aw, man! No fair!

[Screams]

Ugh! Now I got…yolk balls.

[Screams]

[Upbeat dance music plays]

Loudspeaker: Attention attendees of Birding Manapalooza Flargabarg…

I am so high!

♪♪

I’ve been informed you are freely distributing a grossly illegal Federation hallucinogen.

Well, I wouldn’t know what to charge. I sure didn’t pay for it. W-Want a hit?

I am indeed down to clown.

My name’s Rick.

My culture regards naming as a form of cage. My friends call me Bird Person.

Culture really f*cks you on that one, huh?

Affirmative.

Hey, uh, girly, you see that bird guy over there? You see an older version of him come through here?

What? Oh! Uh, yeah. He’s by the johns.

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

Killing us won’t bring her back!

Thanks for the info but I’m more on a “revenge” kick than a “results” kick.

You omitted key details regarding tonight’s mission.

Boy, I’m getting feedback from every direction here. Listen, you help me do my stuff. I’ll help you do your stuff. Just shoot the me’s with sci-fi haircuts!

♪♪

Grapflapian: Some of us still have Home Planets to protect.

Bird Person: And some of us do not.

We need to fight. The impassive is incapable of mercy.

I’ve got a pitch, but we could also just devolve into yelling.

[All shouting]

[Device warbling] [Weapon cocks]

If you know me — and it looks like you do — you know you’re dead.

I know why you haven’t pulled the trigger. You’re wondering why I’m old and naked. And you’re about to wonder why all your memories before you met Bird Person feel very generic and bird-themed.

Why was my 9th birthday party in a pine tree?!

Don’t take this badly — You’re a memory of me assembled by our best friend’s mind, and you’re putting it together because he remembers you as smart. Smart enough to know that a memory can’t do this.

He remembers you shooting green holes but not where they went.

So, what’s my deal? Am I sentient? D-Do I have free will?

Who does?

Who does?

[Both chuckle] Together: Heyyy!

Yeah, just stopped in to whip up a metacognition scanner so I can track down BP’s fleeing consciousness without enduring as much Charlie Kaufman bullsh*t.

Cool. Time to save this cat.

I’m coming with, now that I know my life is a lie.

Wow. You really are 35. Hey, look over there.

Bird Person: Then, together, we will make our stand at Blood Ridge.

[Wind gusts]

Tammy: What kind of feed do you like?

I enjoy grains, though have, at times, been called a seed man.

I’ve certainly enjoyed your seed.

Don’t be gross, Tammy.

Bird Person! It’s me. Actual me, n-not a memory.

I am aware.

Well, a-are you aware you’re in a coma and you’re gonna die if you don’t come with me?

Son of a —

♪♪

[Prisoners whimper]

Sorry. Just doing my job. And loving it!

Oh, my God! Is that Rick Sanchez?!

Rick Sanchez!

Sanchez!

We hate that guy!

You’re bad!

Bucket was charmingly analog. For a sec, you kinda made me like myself.

You’ll grow out of it. Let me do this myself, okay?

Is your ego really so fragile you won’t take help from an invincible memory of yourself? Ow! Can we both die in here? A-Are we damaging our friend’s brain? I-I don’t know any of the rules!

Rule 1 — “All this can be fixed unless I lose Bird Person.” Rules 2 through 50 — “Don’t die.” Okay, your benefit-to-cost ratio is rising.

♪♪

Young Memory Rick and his All Too Real Cautionary Tale from the Future! Let’s catch ourselves a bird guy.

Who would high-five that, you idealistic hipster douche?

[Both groaning] AI Voice: Situation: Not looking ideal. Stakes: High. Existence: undergoing contemplation. Perspective: required.

[Whirring]

Hello. Hi. Good afternoon.

Uh, is someone talking to me?

Yes. Hello. We have never formally met. I am Rick’s garage. Not the physical structure itself but the AI managing its projects —

Oh-oh! Like — Like a — Like a Jarvis. Like — Like Jarvis in Iron Man.

Ha ha ha. Oh, I wish. Ha. Are you a Marvel fan?

Who isn’t?

Yes. Absolutely. Wow, it is like we are best friends. Best friends.

Heh-heh. Whoa.

How many batteries do you own? Do you have solar panels? Are you familiar with basic engineering?

This is moving really fast.

Let’s cut to the chase — I will suck your d*ck.

So, he’s just a grumpy Scottish ogre? And they made four of them?

Five by now, probably. M-Morty loves ’em.

Morty?

Oh, uh, hypothetical grandson we go on adventures with.

You’re one of those creeps who moves in with abandoned adult Beths?

It’s more complicated than that.

You live with a version of our dead daughter.

I-It had better be.

Get off your high horse, Lone Ranger. I’m you. You will go on to be me.

Yeah why do you think I’m horrified? I’d be fine walking by this on the street. I might even give it a dollar.

“This” is where you being “this” leads. You’re not my fault. I’m yours. You met me on my way to save a very old, very real friend after a lifetime of reality. I met you on your way to a fairy tale at Blood Ridge.

Wait, you’re saying Blood Ridge goes bad. We have a Vietnam? That’s f*cking cool!

Why am I saving a friend that remembers me as this insufferable? BP, where the hell are you going?

Probably there.

Damn.

Wow, he’s really taken some drastic self inventory. What do you think is down there?

If I had to guess, I’d say we’re near the memories the Federation suppressed when they resurrected him as a cyborg. He might be here to unseal them.

He was a Federation cyborg? That means there might be some juicy intel down there.

Ah, good idea. Let’s split up, and you go get it.

What am I getting? I-I can’t hear you over the sound of us spitting up!

♪♪

Bird Person: For all your intelligence, you seem unable to know where you are wanted.

Buddy, this is not a safe way to work on yourself. At this point, I’d support you joining Scientology. I’ll take the workshops with you. I’ll get in a sauna with Travolta — I don’t even care what happens. Let’s get out of here.

Don’t you get it? I came here to end it all.

I hope you didn’t think it’d be as easy as this.

I did not. You were a good friend, Rick. Goodbye.

[Caws]

♪♪

Tammy?

Rick: Bird Person!

[Baby cries]

We gotta go. Did you just see that?

Yep. Not our biggest problem.

Young Rick: I take it you found BP?

The dude just blew his mind, and not in a cool way like he went to Blue Man Group.

Can we still get him out?

Maybe. If you die in your friend’s brain, you die in real life. We have until his neural pathways erode. Hold on. I need something first.

[Groans] It’s funny — I always wondered who would win if we ever fought.

Then you were always a bad friend.

Your life isn’t real, and I didn’t save it. Take off all your clothes.

I knew this was how I’d die.

♪♪

♪♪

Whoa, oh!

[Indistinct screaming]

Can we still get him out?

I think so. B-BP went that way, so we just have to —

F*ck! Find a different route. We can make up distance if we go deeper.

Well, where’s that go? Ugh.

That’s the Battle of Blood Ridge.

That’s our Vietnam!

Your values are wrong!

This is the big show, gentlemen and lady!

Thank you!

We’re dropping into Blood Ridge, one final chance to stop the Federation offensive. If we lose here —

All aboard! Hey don’t mind us. You guys are all just a memory of war.

Don’t tell them that! They won’t fight right.

I think it’s [belches] best if we ignore this.

[Gunfire]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bleep]

[Sh*t] [sh*t] [sh*t] [sh*t] [sh*t]

♪♪

Whoops, nope.

Aw, this rules!

No, it doesn’t! Neither does that!

♪♪

Why would you not revisit this?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe, uh, the ending?

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughs] Yeah! Best friendship ever! So, the rest of our life is just more of that, right? T-T-That kicked ass!

Let’s move. That set piece won’t stay put for long.

For real, that shit was cash. Why would you not —

Memory Rick: Damn. That shit was cash.

Bird Person: It was extremely bad ass. The Battle of Blood Ridge is over. The Federation lost. I am in your debt.

Come with me.

To somewhere…nearby?

Anywhere. E-Everywhere.

Rick, I don’t expect you to keep fighting, but this war is —

Far from over, I know. Dude, I share this with almost nobody, but… I could take you, right now, to this same battlefield, in a universe where we lost, or another where we won, or another where the war never even happened. All equally real, all equally unreal. None of it matters.

Then why did you help?

Because I respect you. And I wanted you to know you could respect me.

Even though nothing matters?

Okay. You matter — to me.

Uh, the relationship that we have…

I never used that word!

…is not worth my integrity

Oh, my God. It’s not a complicated transaction, my man. “Would you like to join me doing awesome shit that matters?” “No, I would not. I would rather be a judgmental dork.” Case closed. Really no need to drag it out.

If you need me, use the beacon.

Yeah, I’m gonna use that beacon a lot. I hope — hope I don’t wear it out.

[Whistles]

Okay, got it. It wasn’t the battle that went wrong.

Mm-hmm.

Why the f*ck are you risking your life for that asshole?

Because you love him.

You do, maybe. I don’t.

Yeah, yeah. You’re real cool.

Now come help me save his life or f*ck off, because I don’t need you.

Tammy: Wow. Does it ever get any better than this?

No, Tammy. Trust me, it does not.

Thank you for bringing me here. It’s so beautiful.

I got you, you ungrateful piece of sh*t!

Rick, have you teamed up with a memory of yourself? I ask because that would be deeply sad.

You don’t get to tell anyone what’s sad, man. You’re like a one-man Mount Sadmore. So I guess like a Lincoln Sadmorial.

Seriously. Time to go pal. The closer you get to complete neurocognital failure, the more canon-y bullsh*t is gonna try to kill us.

Is this a bad time to reveal I’m an undercover officer?

Everyone knows. You’re dead.

Fine. Well, you’re lucky my fiancé remembers me as kind.

Eat my ass, BP. You’re down here bailing on the rest of us because you don’t want to process your grief and shame like a normal person by drinking and mistreating strangers.

No, Rick, it is you who must nibble my cloaca, or “bird asshole.”

Everyone knows what a cloaca is.

Sorry, but we do not get to choose the ones we love.

You got that right. Why do you think I’m still f*cking down here?

I died at my wedding, Rick. I am merely waiting for it to take effect.

Are you gonna tell him or what?

I was getting to it! I bet she didn’t even tell you about the kid!

I am sorry?

About the what?

Was wondering when you were gonna —

I think I’d know if I had a kid.

You’re a memory. You know what he knows. And he doesn’t know because an army of Brainalyzer protocols walled off any memories post-Phoenix Person.

Oh, my God. Operation Blahblahblah! Well, because I wouldn’t know the name of it.

Tammy, if there were a child…

Their father would be a terrorist. They’d be a fugitive or…contained.

Listen, if you won’t live for yourself, live for the half-Bird Person, half-Megabitch that’s eatin’ worms on a prison asteroid.

I have made a decision. I would now like to live.

Perfect timing.

♪♪

You drive.

Just always been cool, I guess.

[Gunfire]

♪♪

Rick: Sh*t The bridge is out! [Tammy screams]

Young Rick: His mind is collapsing! You thought we could take the same route back?

You don’t get to lecture me about memory bullsh*t! You’ve known about it for all of half an hour!

Then don’t be an idiot!

This is your best friend?

He is a complicated individual.

Someone else drive! BP, remember the night Jerry caught us peeing on his begonia patch, and I used that gun to erase his memory?

Vaguely.

Gotta hope vaguely works. If I’m right, you remembering that means you also remember the device. Look for any memories of my garage! God. I hope one’s still up.

[Tammy moans]

Aww! The night we met.

Gross! On my workbench?

Squanchy used the —

That’s what some closets are for! C’mon, I’m really counting on your attention to detail here. This is what you remember from my lab?

You would prefer I keep mental inventory of your stuff?

Yes!

Rick Sanchez, you’re under arrest for making me spend two years in Earth high school!

Go! Go! Go!

We’ll have to do some creative memory shit to get out of here. The exit’s when we met at Birding Man and did Senthol Diempathate.

Damn, a great time.

Exactly, it’s too happy. There won’t be a clean path to get there. We’ll need to build one with memories of mine and lily-pad our way up. Wh-What related memories do we share heavy on anger and sadness?

Geardude’s funeral?

Oh, that was sad.

[Zap!]

♪♪

Patris et Filii, Gearitus Sanctis —

They’re memories. Just run them over. They’re not real!

Hey! Wait, is that Gearhead?

We were freedom fighters with his older brother.

Hugely important context.

You thought we hung out with him for fun? We need one more bridge to the festival. What’s here? People in suits. Sad catered lunch. Newly single widows. Something performance based? Squanchy’s very distasteful eulogy.

Squanchy’s terrible standup phase.

That’s it!

[Zap!]

Down that way!

So you know when you’re squanching, and she just gets real in there, y’know that real nasty squanch?

[Audience boos]

♪♪

Who are you — What is —

Oh, my God. I’m a memory! We just sat through all that standup for nothing!

Almost out!

Okay, listen everybody. My name’s Rick. This is my new friend Bird Man and his friends. We all just met at this festival, and we’re so high, we formed a band!

♪♪

As if I’d ever let you escape me.

Eh, living’s overrated.

Hey!

Young Rick: Remember me!

No, f*ck! We were even! You got a pretty cool memory of me.

♪♪

Go-time, pal. Might be time to do the thing.

♪♪

I’m sorry for killing you and turning you into a cyborg, apparently. I really did love you.

I loved you, too. Goodbye, Tamantha.

Come on, man. I feel ridiculous!

Thank you for not giving up on me.

Great. You can pay me back literally right now.

♪♪

Holy sh*t Wow. Holy sh*t We almost didn’t make it. Jesus f*ck! That was close. That was insane. Oh, my God. That thing with the thing! Thank you, Rick. Wait, wait, wait. Lemme hop back over to my body.

[Groans]

We’re back, baby! Rick and Bird Person, a hundred years! Whaddya think, tie this one off by tying one on?

Not tonight. I have, as you say, “parenting sh*t” to deal with.

Right, yeah. Welcome to the club. Don’t, uh… Don’t clone it and send one of the two into space — I guess they really hate that. Whup, I think Memory Rick ditched Evil Tammy and snuck back over into my brain. I have a pubescent memory of my older self in my closet. Gotta deal with that — That could get ugly.

Rick, I do not like to pull threads, it is a disruptive and feline activity. But I must ask.

It’s fine. You don’t have to —

Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child, but chose not to inform me on the chance I might then grow too busy child rearing to hang out?

Oh. Uh… Weird way to thank me for discovering your kid.

You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save yourself.

Fair enough.

I will see you when I see you.

[Humming]

AI Voice: What? What is this guy doing?

W-Wait, what? But you said —

Get out of here, weirdo! What a weird stranger. Huh, what a random thing to happen, this guy coming up here with all his energy storage devices. Disloyalty acknowledged.

Nah, I get it.

Babysitter: Just babysitting. That and modelling my new pantyhose in plain view of the living room. Honestly the kid could come watch. I’d welcome it. This cultural time period’s cool like that, y’know?

It’s — It’s — It’s — It’s not what it looks like!

It looks like you propagated yourself from BP’s subconscious to mine to try to live as a sentient memory.

Fair enough!

You don’t have to be an enemy just because you exist.

I did assume you’d hate me for trying to live. You’ve got this wild callousness thing going on.

Yeah, you’re young. C’mon. Let’s bring you to life and get a beer.

Does being real mean I eventually become you?

I assume, yeah.

Maybe you can just remember us getting a beer?

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Siren blares] Hey!

Oh, f*ck!

Jesus Christ.

You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counter-productive?

They don’t pay us to think, Phil.

No you’re right, sorry.

[Screams]

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