Rick and Morty – S05E06 – Rick & Morty’s Thanksploitation Spectacular [Transcript]

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Rick and Morty - S05E06 - Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular

Episode aired July 25, 2021

After Morty inadvertently destroys the U.S. Constitution, the Liberty Bell, and the Lincoln Memorial (and activates a hostile, steam-powered robot hidden inside the Statue of Liberty) on Thanksgiving, he and Rick are once again marked as terrorists by President Curtis. With the Smith house surrounded by the U.S. military and an “anti-portal shimmer,” Rick resigns himself to pulling his “usual ploy” of transforming himself into a turkey and receiving a presidential pardon. However, the president has anticipated this and sends a team of U.S. Marines transformed into turkeys to intercept Rick. When the President grows frustrated with the marines’ inability to find Rick, he has himself transformed into a turkey and engages Turkey Rick. During their fight, the tracking chip ingested by the President (to identify him for transformation back into a human) is ingested by a regular turkey, which is subsequently transformed into a human–turkey hybrid and takes on the role of the president. Meanwhile, Rick, Morty, and the President are dumped into “the feeding ground” and narrowly fend off an attack by a mutated, spider-like FDR before returning to the Smith house and reverting to their human forms. The Turkey President quickly wins Congress’ allegiance (through a series of pay rises for congress members) and builds an army of humanoid turkey soldiers with superhuman size and strength. Seeing this on television, Rick, Morty, and the President join forces to open “the Crypt of the New World” (hidden under the Lincoln Memorial), which contains members of two alien races in suspended animation. These aliens, having previously put aside their conflict to destroy the “giant turkey dinosaurs” that once dominated America, quickly eliminate the humanoid turkey soldiers. The Turkey President then launches the Washington Monument (which contains a device to transform all turkeys on earth into humanoid turkey soldiers) into space; both Presidents then engage in mano-a-mano battle while Rick and Morty travel to space to stop the global transformation. They successfully destroy the transformation device (though Morty also destroys the Washington Monument in the process) and the President defeats his opposite. In the aftermath, the aliens return to their suspended animation and Rick, Morty, and the President reflect on simply “being thankful” as they look over battle-devastated Washington.

Post-credits scene: One of the previously turkey-fied marines is shopping with his wife and newborn baby when a cart of blueberries is knocked over. He displays a number of turkey-like behaviors before compulsively consuming the blueberries off the floor while onlookers watch and his wife cries while hugging their baby.

* * *

Are we — are we gonna put it back when we’re done with it?

Why? The only thing of value on it is the secret treasure map. The rest is just instructions for running a country, and I’m pretty sure they’re online.

It just feels a little wrong —

Morty, are you gonna be a f*cking America nerd or are you gonna be cool and steal the constitution with grandpa? Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal.

W-why not just use this again?

[ding!]

Morty! You just destroyed the map and activated the giant assassin hidden in the statue of liberty!

I’m sorry — w-wait, what?

It was a trojan horse, Morty. Never trust the French. Alright, fun’s fun, but now the federal government’s gonna be pissed again. Way to go. And on America’s birthday, or whatever the f*cking Thanksgiving is.

♪♪

Seal team leader: Rick and Morty! You are under arrest and surrounded by an anti-portal shimmer! Come out with your hands up!

Well, Happy Thanksgiving to me. Can’t wait to see what a “shimmer” does to my prostate.

Dad, can you please just end whatever this is —

I understand you’re upset, Mr. President. It’s honestly all Morty’s fault. But in the meantime, you really want to keep your army of pointlessly camouflaged eagle scouts off my lawn.

Don’t tell me what I want, you anti-American piece of sh*t you terrorist!

You know, you use that word so much it’s lost all meaning, Mr. P. It’s like, at this point, what’s a terrorist? It’s a guy you don’t like. Big deal.

Hoo-rah!

[screaming]

Told you to stand down. You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men. Might be time to look at the terrorist in the mirror.

You want a war?! I’ll put your outer-space ass in a goddamn phantom zone with a bar of kryptonite soap around your neck. You’re done, Sanchez! You hear me?

Oof. He’s really pissed this time.

Why don’t you guys just f*ck and get it over with.

Okay, well thank you, Summer, but I think I’ve got a better option.

Dad, no.

Ehh… Hands are tied, sweetie. I have to turn myself into a turkey and trick the president into giving me a presidential turkey pardon.

Again? How many times have you done this?

I don’t know, Jerry, how many years have I lived here? Careful how you answer that.

Geez, Rick, y’know, y-you’ve done this a lot. Don’t you think the president might see it coming this time?

He probably will, Morty. That’s all part of the dance. In the past, I’ve inserted myself into the potential turkey pardonee population by brainwashing the presidential turkey wrangler prior to the ceremony. But this time, the turkey wrangler’s been euthanized and the turkeys will be transported by armored military vehicles.

Vehicles manufactured by ghost corporations that I control.

Which we have audited.

Allowing me access to…

central computers…

to track the…

real armored transports, which he can never…

totally track and sneak aboard.

And even if he does, he’ll be on a truck full of turkeys and fully armed marines.

Who won’t recognize me because the human eye is inherently face blind to turkeys.

President: Fortunately, those marines won’t have human eyes. They’ll have turkey eyes.

Jesus ever-loving Christ, why don’t you two just f*ck and get it over with?

Careful, Dwayne. You’re only vice president because I need 10% of the white vote.

There’s a giant French assassin attacking New York, and you’re using the war room to measure dicks with your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend?

Rick Sanchez is more dangerous than some steam-powered French bitch, and New York can handle its own global emergencies. General? Initiate operation deep gobble.

[cellphone vibrates]

Coop, not on Thanksgiving.

It’s what I trained for, Mary Lou.

It ain’t our fight.

Baby. That little race car driver you got bakin’ in your belly. What world you want him rearin’ up in? One where some… Spiky-haired doctor who in a lab coat can change the color of the sky? Or a world where he can fill his pickup with hot dogs and drive it to a jukebox full of our demographic’s current favorite music?

Obviously the latter, but —

Well, that world, Mary Lou, the one with those meals, vehicles, and songs people in this 30-mile area prefer… That world needs a few good men. In a secret pentagon lab. Turning into turkeys.

You come back without feathers, coop.

God, I love this country.

Hoooo-ah!

♪ I got a pregnant girl and a pickup truck ♪

♪ I got one by choice and the other by luck ♪

♪ but now it’s time to turn into a turkey ♪

♪ I hope there can be peace one day ♪

♪ till then, I pray my DNA ♪

♪ gets backed up ♪

General Green: These pills contain tracking chips that identify each of you as individuals. That will be important later.

♪ gobble, gobble ♪

♪ gobble, gobble ♪

♪ when I turn into a turkey ♪

♪♪

Alright, boys, search every bird.

If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobblin’.

Let me look at you, scum.

Get outta here, you wobbleneck.

Sarge, this — this ain’t like the simulation, man.

I don’t like it -keep it together, Martinez.

Eyes are on the ground, sir.

No sign of Einstein.

Stay frosty, gentlemen. I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.

Sir! We have hacked the garage door. We are in. Eyes on the bogey.

Or you’ve got eyes on a robot.

All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it!

Those flesh-covered [burps] robots should buy us some time. The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck. Ship, go stealth.

Rodriguez, Fincher. Get eyes on that.

Huh. Turkey marines. The president came to play. Jam those two radios.

Ship: Confirmed.

[radio static]

Ah! Geez!

Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!

Copy, copy, tango, all good.

Just a couple of branches on the roof.

Don’t ever turn your radio off again.

We will not surrender.

We will never surrender.

We will not surrender.

Oh, yeah?

Bring in the David Blaine box.

Damn, is that a David Blaine box?

I told you we should have just gone to my parents’ house.

No, you didn’t.

Well, I didn’t say it out loud, but it should be well known by now that I’d always rather be there.

Oh, god, oh no!

Aw, geez, Rick!

Sir, we’ve got Rick and Morty inside the box!

Then that confirms it. Sir?

No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez. Scan the turkey truck!

Huh. That’s weird. Id chips for Fincher and Rodriguez are glitching.

Sanchez… I’ll deal with this bastard myself.

Sir, don’t be a cowboy. You can’t get re-elected dead.

System is calibrated, sir. That pill contains a tracking chip that will identify —

I know, it’ll be important later! Do it.

[screams]

Reporter: Moments from now, the president will be pardoning a turkey…

Home stretch, Morty. Here comes dip sh*t right on schedule. Nothing can go wrong now.

Morty: Jesus, is that–

Oh sh*t, the president has the upper hand. G-grandpa [bleep] up. Sunglasses on. Act like a turkey.

What? Wha– are you scared?

Act like a turkey!

That’s Rodriguez and Fincher, sir.

It’s Rick and Morty, you useless f*cking stump humper! Sorry, don’t tell 10% of your friends I called you that.

Mr. President.

Sanchez, admit it. You lose. Say it and I’ll let your loser ass go.

[exhales]

Did you just try to spit in my face with no saliva gland?

Just pardon me, dick.

Why the hell would I?

Oh, I dunno, ’cause if I move to Canada, they’ll be the best country!

I’ll peck your goddamn eyes out!

Ow!

Hey!

Shit! My plume!

Hey, back off!

Blueberries! We got blueberries down! Hold your positions, it’s a feeding frenzy!

I-I can’t see. I mean, I can see. 270 degrees — it’s too many degrees!

Sir, we are losing the mental game down here.

General Green: Keep it together, soldier! Potus is still in that pen —

We just lost New York to France! Pull out the president right now!

Gobble tango — I want Potus out of that pen! That is an order! Locate the president’s chip!

Roger, roger.

There he is, I got him. Let’s go, boys! Let’s fly out the eagle!

Hey, that’s not me!

Package is secure. Pull us out.

Computer: Reinjecting subject DNA.

[all scream]

Hoppin’ Jehovah, you look like five pounds of shit in a whore’s lunchbox. You alright, Mr. President?

Yes. I am… The president.

Clean his ass up and get him to the war room.

Hey! Gobble squad! You got the wrong guy, you morons!

[gobbling]

Look at this dumb piece of sh*t. Gobbling away. Get back in there!

Alright boys, you heard the VP. Pardon is tits up. Pack up and ship out!

As for you, Sanchez… bon appétit.

Where is this elevator going?

Where all the unchosen turkeys go. The feeding chamber.

[creature roars]

What the f*ck is that?

Not what…Who.

The only thing to fear is… Me!

How the f*ck does the white house have a cloned spider of FDR?

It’s no clone, it’s FDR. He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine. We asked ourselves “what walks the most?”

“We?” you’re taking credit for this?

The office comes with baggage, Morty.

Rick, I’m afraid to die!

You won’t have to be for long, Morty! We’re due to return to human form any second!

Then what?

Then we just have to not get eaten by the spider!

Oh, so in other words, be afraid to die?

Morty, if winning an argument is that important to you, you were never alive!

Time for a new deal… Murder!

President: I’m sick of hearing how iconic you were! Try having an historical administration after Facebook goes online, you old-timey bitch!

Morty, tear open that panel!

How’s this for a fireside chat?

[screaming]

Woof. You just killed FDR.

He was a monster, though.

Don’t mythologize him. He was a politician. Speaking of, you kind of saved our bacon there, so I’ll make you a deal. You pardon us and I’ll make you human.

Wrong turkey.

Man, the face blindness is real.

I’d like these… Men… Turned back into humans, please.

Uh, yes, of course, Mr. President. But I thought we already rehumanized all the turkified marines.

I’d like these men turned back into humans. I am the president.

Yes, sir. Uh, sure thing.

Increase their strength by 1,000%.

But… That wouldn’t be human.

Turkeys have always been more than human.

Okay, uh, so right there, now I’m starting to —

I am selling New York to France. And giving all of the money to congress.

[cheering]

Now that’s how you do it!

He became president today.

[gasping, murmuring]

That’s right, murmur! And when you’re done, get me some pants.

If you’re the president, who the hell have we been governing the country with for the last three hours?

An impostor, you good for nothing idiot! You humanized the wrong turkey!

It’s possible. We shouldn’t leave anything to chance. Wouldn’t want congress working with the wrong president.

A very good point, Mr. President. Do we believe this fine feathered, collaborative gentleman to be our commander-in-chief?

Or are we gonna let “Mr. Cash bar at the Christmas party” stay in office? All in favor of turkey president?

You can’t be serious. You think he cares about America?

Is that why this is happening to you? Because you cared about America?

Guards, these men are… Oh, what is the word? Uh, terrorists.

Okay, screw this. Go, go, Sanchez laser fists. Oh sh*t I was a turkey for a while, wasn’t I? Okay, guy’s pretty strong.

Mary Todd Lincoln!

Who’s dead weight now, bitch?

♪♪

You should regain feeling in your ass in a minute. Sorry my turrets blew up your motorcycle.

Just give me some goddamn clothes.

Must suck to have your only safe haven be my house. Y-you want your regular outfit or should we dress you like a terrorist?

I don’t need to be here, and I’m still the president.

Oh, glad to hear it. That means you can give me that pardon. Or — or I could put you out with the trash.

What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?

I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them —

Okay, fight club. I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on!

You get paid to make sports metaphors!

I clean your litterbox! So your little nerd paws don’t have to touch another nerd’s nerdy poopies while you’re flexing your grody little edge lord anus all over it!

Guys, maybe you’re both right and both wrong.

Both: Shut up, Morty!

You little bitch, you destroyed the constitution. You’re the biggest booger eater here!

Do not talk to my son that way.

Sorry, Mrs. Smith.

The two of you are ruining Thanksgiving. Together. And you can both either come to the table and eat food with my family or you can keep doing what you’re doing at the corner bar.

Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving.

Dorothy: I’m still trying to sort through this. One of you wishes you had the personal quality known as courage but the other two of you want actual vital organs?

This Charlie Kaufman reboot of “Wizard of Oz” is destroying itself.

That’s why I need a brain! I’m doing a terrible job writing this!

Pass the potatoes.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Good green beans, mom.

The turkey’s raw, dad. Shit’s potato bunz.

Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer. So I guess elections do have consequences.

Eat my ass, jerry. I’ve seen your IRS records. You can blame me once you have taxable income.

[laughs] Yes, Jerry is a piece of sh*t. I agree.

[news fanfare plays]

Um, guys? What’s that?

Paula, as you can see, President Curtis has enacted a plan to turn all turkeys in America into hybrid super soldiers. The move has 100% approval from congress following its third pay raise in six hours. Back to you.

♪♪

My god, the bastard’s unhinged! There won’t be a single bird left in DC!

Oh, wow, wiping out a native population on Thanksgiving? That’s never happened before.

What did you just say?

Well, I-I associated Thanksgiving with genocide. It’s what young people do. I wasn’t trying to —

The crypt of the new world. That could be our one chance to turn this thing around.

You know about the crypt? Ugh, so the treasure’s already gone.

Wait, is that why you were stealing the constitution? You old fart dick. The crypt of the new world isn’t a treasure. But it might be our only hope. Come on.

But isn’t the crypt underneath DC? The turkey president’s got an army. An actual army. And an air force. And marines —

Slow down, Morty. Walk us through every military service. Does somebody have a pen?

We’ve got something more powerful than every army in the world. Well, no, we don’t, but with the right speech, we could get a handful of well-trained hillbillies.

Eh, it worked against the British. I’m in.

Birds replacin’ people. What would Johnny Cash or Dale Earnhardt say?

He’d say “it’s time to walk the line” Or “drive very fast between two of them.”

We don’t serve your kind here.

Oh, my god, are you serious?

Read the sign.

He’s my boss, Marvin.

It’s okay. Mistrusting presidents is a patriotic duty. And that guy on TV isn’t me. He’s a turkey infused with my DNA.

I’ll be damned. Well, I’m racist.

You better not be here to take my man again.

Mary Lou.

I’m poor! And pregnant! With a poor person!

And I need you. And 10% of your baby. Now, look, I know it’s gonna take more than some speech. But what is a speech? Isn’t it just a question? And isn’t that a question too? Speeches are words. Repeated words. Listed words. Repeated lists of repeated words. None of that matters. You know what does matter? Me. Asking you, “will you do what I say?”

Just two questions, chief. Lock? And load? They’re rhetorical, sir!

Lock and load!

[cheering]

♪♪

Sir, we’ve got Rick and Morty coming in what appears to be an unlicensed “Star Wars” at-at. Or as the millennials say, a-t, a-t.

So it begins. Gobblers! Tonight, we rise!

[gobbles]

♪♪

Aww, geez, geez, geez.

Nice driving, Sanchez.

Wire’s down, pen is clear.

You know the goddamn rules! If you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties.

[roars]

♪♪

Jesus Christ! T-they got Johnson!

He got off easy.

Cooper: Hold off the bastards!

What now, Rick?

Time to turn up the broiler.

[roars]

♪♪

Whoa, I-is that —

The crypt of the new world.

The treasure you were after is this country’s oldest secret. One disguised by centuries of thanksgiving folklore.

Is that… A turkey dinosaur?

America’s original rulers. Merciless beasts, grazing on the flesh of cowering humans. Then, in the 15th century, a vessel crashed. Two vessels, really. On board — our saviors. Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do.

♪♪

[all growl]

Oh sh*t they’re gonna fight!

Morty: No, wait, they love each other!

They were at war when they arrived, but they united over their hatred of turkeys. And what they love even more than each other is kicking turkey butt.

Gentlemen!

Ba’ruka dar tin’in yo-tei! [It is time once again that you feast.]

Coooooooooorn!

♪♪

It’s working! Come on, Sanchez, let’s power down the humanizer ray.

Whose side are we on?

I don’t know, but we’ve done enough to pay for college.

Look, we’re almost there.

Sorry, my turn for a surprise.

Damn, this guy loves arriving from the shadows.

Look around. You can’t beat our ancient warriors.

Can’t I? My kind has always dealt with predators. That’s why we sleep in trees. And that’s why, in the wild, we fly.

♪♪

Now you must choose — Fight me, or stop that weapon from turning all of America’s turkeys into a new master race.

You dumb dip sh*t, there’s three of us, and two of us are spacemen. Obviously they’re gonna save America and bring that monument home, and I’m gonna kick your ass.

Oh, and, Sanchez? You got your pardon. Aw.

Shut up, Morty. Come on.

Let’s go, bitch.

So be it.

Is it true what turkey man said? That turkeys sleep in trees?

Who the hell cares, Morty? Let’s just [burps] deactivate this sh*t.

Calibrating. [gobbles] Targeting all American turkeys.

Oh, my god, they gave it a voice? Who is this for? We’re in space.

Geez, Rick, I-I-I guess them?

Morty, use this carefully. Crack the humanizer core and cut the blue wire. You hear me? Blue wire.

Wha– why don’t we just blow it up?

It’s a national monument, [bleep] nut! We just got pardoned. You really wanna do this again next year?

[both grunting]

You forgot something, turkey man. No matter what you got people to believe, I’m still the goddamn president.

And you forget, in the one day I’ve had your job, I’ve learned 10 times as much.

I’ve underestimated you.

For the last time.

♪♪

Rick, they’re not exactly primary colors! A-are — are we cool with, like, t-turquoise?

Are you kidding me, Morty? Just cut the damn thing!

[gobbles]

Oh, shit, oh sh*t —

Targets acquired. Activating weapon.

Oh, sh*t! Oooooooh!

Heritage destroyed.

Morty! … God damn it, you had one job!

[groans]

I beat you. Look at me, you turkey ass bitch.

[laughs]

Wait, why are you — Is that a wishbone?

I wish to explode. [laughs]

♪♪

Man: The Berlin wall has come down.

Man #2: It’s called the PlayStation.

The winner is… “Shakespeare in Love.”

Playstation 2.

Hurricane Katrina slams Louisiana

Playstation 3.

This is Maroon Five…

Playstation 4.

The Cubbies win!

I want a PlayStation 5.

[gasping]

I wasn’t sure when to pull you out. I-I assumed you were running through your whole life.

Yes. And what a life it was. Gentlemen, thank you once again for saving this nation.

Slloosh garg blurrg. [You have betrayed your people.]

I don’t speak googa. The CIA only taught me your activation phrase. But if I could say anything… I’d say give America one more chance.

Kalaak ‘ha benben prilo garg. [I got that from a Predator.]

Oh, my god, they’re gonna fight. Th-they’re really gonna fight.

Aw, they love each other!

Never gets old.

I’ll never get tired of that.

So…After those aliens discovered America–

They went into hibernation, leaving us the technology we used to lead the free world. That and also to do stuff like slavery.

I always thought we were… more special than that. Like we invented everything and did everything And that’s why we own everything. Now I-I-I-I don’t know what to feel.

Feel thankful, Morty. Feel thankful.

♪♪

♪♪

I know, baby. Coop, honey, should we get lucky charms or kibble bibbitz?

You know we can’t afford either.

Baby, the president owes you. You saved him.

Ain’t his fault our insurance got cut. They gotta build missiles.

Ugh, fine, just — can y’all hold jakey for a second?

[high-pitched ringing]

[jakey crying]

Bag boy: What the hell’s he doin?

Deli guy: I think he’s foraging. Crazy bastard thinks he’s a turkey. Well, I refuse to pay for this man’s health care.

♪♪

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