Resident Alien
Season 3 Episode 5
Episode Title: Lovebird
Original release date: March 13, 2024 (Syfy)
Plot summary: Harry and Heather draw closer and plan to leave Earth together, leaving Earth at the Grey’s mercy.
* * *
[tranquil music]
♪
[breathes deeply]
[water bubbling]
[ominous music]
♪
[gasps]
Ah!
♪
The ball appears to be organic. It can only be controlled by the Earth alien Harry. Bring him to us.
♪
[Brown Bird’s “Bilgewater”]
[laid-back acoustic strumming]
♪
[The Mamas and the Papas’ “Go Where You Wanna Go”]
[cawing]
Ooh, oh, look! The dumb humans look like ants. You look so stupid on your legs with no wings on the dumb ground! [Laughs]
Our life is better than yours in every way!
[laughs]
Attraction is simple physics. All objects with mass are drawn to each other till they meet and there is a release.
♪
Heather and I have become very close, so the pull I feel toward her is strong.
Oh, this is a new shop.
Ooh.
[birds chirping]
No. Harry, no.
♪ With whoever you wanna do it with ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on, come on! What are you doing?
[laughs]
The male bird of paradise puffs out his chest and performs an elaborate dance to attract a female mate.
[grunts]
[gasps]
♪ You gotta go where you wanna go ♪
♪ Do what you wanna do
♪ With whoever you wanna do it with ♪
I have felt the pull before, but not like this. All I want is to be with her. I do not even mind that she never showers and instead just splashes around in a kiddie pool.
♪ You don’t understand
♪ That a girl like me can love ♪
♪ Just one man
[both cooing]
♪ You’ve been gone a week
Hey, Dad, have you seen Harry? I haven’t been able to reach him.
Not in a couple days. But it’s been a good thing. I get to sell my pies instead of turning around and noticing one of them is gone. You expecting Jay’s mom?
So she asked if she could stay with me for a while. I didn’t say yes. I would never cross that line without talking to you after that first time I crossed the line without talking to you.
These are her medications. One for stomach, one for help concentrating, and this is her retainer that she never remembers to wear at night.
So then…
She already asked me. Yeah. No, sorry, she told me.
I’m sorry. Are things bad with you two?
No. Right now, she’s just mad because I told her she can’t blow off college to explore the world.
Which I totally backed you up on.
You know Jay. She’s got this new girlfriend now, and it’s all about that.
Yeah.
You want to go see Europe with your girlfriend? Great. You can go do that after you get a degree.
[chuckles]
Meanwhile, I’d rather see her with you while waiting for acceptance letters than in some hostel in Amsterdam. That is, if you’re OK with it.
I… [chuckles] I’m happy to take her. Not take her. Uh, not take her. I… bad choice of words. I…
I’m happy she has you. Don’t let her borrow your phone charger, or you’ll never see it again.
Oh. [laughs] Noted.
♪ I’m in love ♪
♪ I’m in love with a beautiful dove ♪
♪ And she’s sweet as pie ♪
There you are. Where were you?
Asta, I am in love, and it makes me want to dance.
Oh, my God, but it didn’t teach you how.
Ah! Ooh! Ah!
Oh! Ellen. Did you do something with your hair? It looks nice.
You might want to check him for a head injury.
Thank you. I have been trying to reach you for three days.
I have been with Heather… [laughs] Having so much intercourse. It is exciting to find new places to have sex. You should lock your car doors, by the way.
We have a problem. Mike and Liv have been searching the Alien Tracker’s van and wait, did have sex in my car?
No. [giggles] Yes, it was good! Uh, but we only did it in the back seat out of respect.
OK, later we will talk about boundaries. But first, you were the last person to use the Alien Tracker’s van. If Mike and Liv find your DNA, they’ll know that you were with him before he died.
That’s impossible. I used over 40 wet wipes from a barbecue restaurant on that van and five on myself. They will find nothing. Also, where is this van? And is it locked?
You’re not having sex in the van.
Not if I don’t know where it is.
Did you clean all of it?
I think I know how to clean a car. Also, I just… I just remembered, I forgot to clean your car.
Gross!
Mm. You’re so stressed out. You should chill, girl. You should be more like Heather.
[sniffs]
OK, I am stressed out because the end of the world might be happening, but actually, I’m really happy that you’re happy.
I am happy.
Well, good. But life is about balance. So you can have a girlfriend and work on the mission.
[grunts softly] Fine. I will go visit the sheriff and the deputy and then make sure that they know nothing.
Oh, thank you.
You should invite Heather and me to dinner. You will like her.
OK. I can do that.
And make a lot of food. Whoever said “eats like a bird” never took a bird to sushi.
Oh, God, really? Here?
No. [giggles]
[quirky music]
Look like some kind of chemical formula, right? What for, I have no idea. But whatever it is…
It’s important enough to kill over.
Damn, Deputy, I was gonna say that. I done waited my whole career to be able to say that something was important enough to kill over, and I set myself up, and you just jump in.
I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You could say something else like, “Whatever it is, it’s a recipe for death.”
See? That’s even better. And I can’t say that now because you just said that too. This is a nightmare.
Uh, knock, knock.
Dr. Vanderspeigle. What, you done stopped by to ruin my day too?
No. Oh, I just came by to see how old. Deputy Mustache’s pinworm medication was working and decided to visit my old friends.
I don’t think you’re allowed to tell us about Fred’s medication.
Uh-oh, you caught me. Now you have to tell me a secret about your job. Are there any fun crimes that you can share?
Well, Miss Kim’s cat flushed her dentures down the toilet. Is that fun enough for you?
Picturing a cat with dentures. [laughs] It’s very fun.
Her dentures, not the cat’s.
Then no.
It has been two minutes, and they have not arrested me yet. I am safe.
Hey, Doc, you must know chemistry. You recognize this formula?
Where did you get this?
Why? What is it?
It is a compound with an alien element. A Grey element.
[dramatic music]
Sugar. Sugar.
Sugar? It seems kind of long for sugar.
Well, it is a special sugar, the kind that they used to make the chocolate sauce that traps ice cream in a hard shell, you know, that keeps the ice cream from dripping on your hand, and you knock on the shell and say, “Ice cream, are you in there?” Because you do not know.
He’s joking. Sir, he’s making a joke.
Oh, OK.
[laughs] Yes. Making a joke and definitely not memorizing this formula with my eyes. I lied. I am memorizing it because this formula may be the key to understanding the Greys’ plan. And now I want ice cream.
[quirky music]
♪
Why are we supporting this?
Harry can’t date that bird. He should be saving the Earth.
Well, he can do both. And Heather’s portal is fixed, so she should be leaving soon anyway. Just let him have some fun.
We’re not having fun. We are choosing to be single until we finish our mission.
[knocking]
Oh, is that why we’re single?
God, I hope so.
Hi. Heather! So happy you could join us. You are right on time.
We were outside. We saw you bring out the food, so we came in.
Oh, well, you didn’t have to wait.
We weren’t waiting. We were screwing in that tree over there.
Yeah, right over there. [Chuckles]
OK, well, probably gonna want to wash your hands, huh?
No, thanks.
No, I do not.
Great.
Wait, what is that smell?
Pretty great, huh? I made feta salad, brown rice, fresh veggies, and I made a roast chick… beef.
Oh, my God.
Made a chick beef.
Oh, my God.
Did you cook a bird carcass? How dare you?
God, I’m so sorry, Heather. We don’t normally have bird guests, so we weren’t thinking.
It’s OK. It’s an honest mistake.
I am so sorry, my little sparrow. Luckily, we brought our own food.
Oh, thank you.
So nice of you.
So… oh.
[spitting]
Heather, um, I hear that you two are having a lot of fun.
Yeah, I love your car. Smells like pine.
Oh.
Or it used to smell like pine.
So the portal is fixed. You probably have to get back to work soon, huh?
Yeah. We’ll be going pretty soon.
We?
Yes.
[spits]
Heather’s leaving, and so am I. We are moving to her home planet!
[laughs] Ah!
What do you mean you’re going to her home planet? What about your special project, you know, um, in the Grey folder?
You mean Harry’s secret mission to stop the Greys from destroying the Earth?
She knows?
You told the bird?
I should tell you, my noun is Avian.
This is why we are so close. We do not keep secrets from one another like humans do. That is why you will never know true love and why you will end up lonely spinners.
Well, it’s spinsters.
Why would you correct him?
No idea.
Don’t be upset you two, OK? Harry and I, we tell each other everything. For instance, I know you touched his penis.
[tense music]
What? We were trapped in a crevasse, and he was seriously injured.
Well, he says you lingered.
What the hell?
You know what you did.
And what’d he say about me?
He did not mention you.
[scoffs]
Just the stuff about Asta groping him, and that that was very triggering for him, very traumatic, and how the town mayor has been abducted by Greys.
Ben’s been abducted?
What?
When?
Do not worry. They bring him back every time, and he remembers nothing.
Why would you not tell us this sooner?
Because that is privileged information between a patient and a doctor, and the Avian that his doctor is having sex with in the front seat of your car. I lied about only doing it in the back.
Stop having sex in my car.
Now you really can’t leave Earth. You’ve got to stay here and get rid of the Greys.
No, I don’t. Once I figure out what the Greys’ plan is, I just need to give the General everything she needs to defeat them.
Psst.
Oh.
[country music playing softly]
♪
That is, uh… [whistles]
[giggles]
[caws]
[gobbles]
[caws]
Caw!
[hooting]
[both groaning and grunting]
[whistles] Mwah, mwah, mwah, ah.
What?
[both grunting and groaning intensely]
[gasps] Ah.
Mmm. [Gasps]
Hey, it’s…
[grunts]
[screams]
[screaming and exhaling]
[blowing and snorting]
I have to go to the bathroom.
Mm-hmm.
I will chaperone you like a human male in a false show of protection.
[quirky music]
Excuse us.
Yeah.
♪
What the hell? We have to tell Ben.
No, we can’t. It will expose Harry. Promise me you will not tell him anything.
Fine.
Thank you.
[whistling]
[grunting]
[cawing]
[gobbling]
[wings thumping and fluttering]
And now they’re having sex in our bathroom.
That’s your bathroom. I’ll be using the gym.
[muffled scream]
Hey. What are you two up to?
Helping Max build a suspension bridge for his science project.
Hmm.
Making good progress, and it is a great way to spend time together. A little father-son bonding.
[sticks clattering]
Whole day wasted.
You know, it doesn’t look like you’re helping him. It looks like you’re doing it for him.
Nope. Nope. Just inspecting. You know, barely did anything. You know, Max is all over it, aren’t you, buddy? I said, aren’t you, buddy?
I’m kind of in the middle of something.
Get to work.
I already had a project, but Dad threw it out.
It was a bag of moldy bread. It was literally trash.
Make your own project, OK? And one that takes more effort than just watching something rot.
You know there’s a whole website where you can rate teachers, right?
Do your worst. I already have the worst rating in the school.
Ugh.
Honey… oh. Max isn’t going to learn if we do everything for him.
I know. I just panicked when I saw he was gonna turn in a bag of moldy bread. I was picked on as a kid. I don’t want Max to have to go through that, too.
Kids wouldn’t pick on him for that. They’d think he was cool for not caring about science class. I mean, unless they’re nerds, but who cares what they think. They’re dorks.
You ever consider taking a sabbatical from teaching?
Every day.
[panting] Slow down! Ben?
Come on, this way.
Not so fast!
[tense music]
Ben!
♪
Ben!
[gasps softly]
[relaxed music]
If Harry can have his bird over, I should be able to have a cat.
OK, I am not allergic to birds, and you don’t have to clean up after them, normally.
At least cats don’t have sex in your car.
Oh, God. We have to do something. Goliath made it very clear that Harry and the General have to save the planet together. So he can’t leave. I guess we have to break them up?
Yes!
Harry’s like a teenager in heat. The only way is to get rid of Heather.
I like where your mind’s going. How big of a snake do you think we need for a bird that size?
I meant talk to Heather and get her to break up with Harry.
Talk to her. Snake is back-up, got it.
[knocking]
Oh. Hey, quick question. Random. How would you feel if Jay moved in for a bit?
Who’s at the door? [Knocking]
Funny story. Jay asked if she could move in. And then I talked to her mom, and she said yes, so I got really excited about it, and then I told Jay that she could stay with us for a while without talking to you first. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.
Hey, roomies.
Hi.
Hey, Jay. We’re getting a cat.
Nice.
[upbeat music]
Dr. Vanderspeigle wasn’t lying about this chocolate sauce. Makes it fun when you’re not sure the ice cream’s under there.
Well, you bought it at the ice cream shop, so I think you are sure.
Well, now I am. What the hell?
[quirky music]
“Patience isn’t safe with Deputy Beam-Me-Up Baker in charge.”
Don’t listen to that. Clearly, the perpetrator is not working with a full deck if they think you in charge. Look. Found this chemistry professor up at CU Boulder. I checked him out. He seems to know his stuff. I said we pay him a visit and see if he recognizes the formula.
No.
What do you mean, no?
The note is right. People are in danger because of me. And worse, I got wrapped up in chasing aliens and led innocent people to their death, like Dr. Beasley, that therapist.
That’s not true.
Yes, it is. If I didn’t contact Peter to let him know there was an alien here, he never would have come, and he’d be alive right now. Everyone I involve in this gets hurt. You’re better off handling it without me.
What?
And I’m keeping the balloons.
Deputy. Deputy? Don’t start that car.
[engine rumbles]
Don’t put this car in reverse.
♪
Do not drive down that street.
♪
OK, but I’m not gonna save you any of this ice cream! Mm. It’s actually under here!
Just the man I’m looking for.
Lena. Hi. Uh, everything OK?
You tell me. I kept tabs on the woman whose prints you asked me to run. I just saw she was murdered.
Ah.
Look. I knew if I called, you would just say were fine or not pick up at all, since you tend to do that.
I guess I deserve that.
We both know where there’s smoke, there’s fire, even if the flames aren’t big enough for you to see yet. I wanted to see your face when we spoke. I need to know that you understand what you’re getting yourself into.
I appreciate that. But you don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine.
OK.
But thanks for worrying about me.
It’s just what I’d do for any colleague.
How about you? How are you doing? How’s your boy?
OK. Good luck with your fire.
Yeah. I’ll be fine. I’ve got my fire retardant clothes.
Great.
Great.
♪
Great.
[relaxed jazz music]
♪
♪ Dearest one
♪ You are so dear to me
♪
♪ I want you near to me
♪
♪ Truly I do
♪
♪ Dearest one
♪
[phone ringing]
What do you want? Where is he?
I have obtained most components of the compound from the military lab. Now all I need from here is the Grey element.
[soft dramatic music]
♪
The formula has a carbon-15 isotope not found on Earth. The Greys are known to use it in their highly advanced technology, like their waterless dishwasher and this spaceship.
[chuckles]
♪
I just saw that documentary that you were in. It’s fascinating. I mean, especially all that stuff about owls. Is that a real thing?
Yeah. Actually, a lot of experiencers randomly see owls. Most of us believe those are actually false memories planted to cover up an alien abduction.
Really?
Wait, are you seeing owls? Do you think you’ve been abducted?
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. Not me. No, I’m just curious. Like… like hypothetically, how would someone know for sure?
Oh. Well, owls aren’t the only signs. Someone might have weird bruising, lost time you can’t account for. Some people even find tiny chips in their skin that aliens use as a tracking device.
♪
If you ever do feel like you’ve been abducted, you can always talk to me about it.
I will, sure.
Promise?
Yes.
I want to be abducted.
You do?
No. [Laughs] Yes.
Oh.
There’s an experiencer support group in Braddock that I go to sometimes. If you’re ever curious, you should come by.
Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I’m good. Yeah, I’m good.
You can’t just go in there whenever you like. There’s protocol. Well, I, uh, got the final ingredient for my formula. You will be happy to know I got the matter.
Good.
But you’re supposed to say, “What is the matter?” And then I say, “I don’t know. What’s the matter with you?” [laughs]
Is this all just a joke to you?
No. Just the joke parts. Do not worry. I will get to work and find out what the Greys are doing here as soon as I get the henway.
What’s a henway?
Well, about six pounds. [Laughs] That’s enough.
Let me tell you something. You might think it’s funny, but the whole world is depending on you.
[ominous music]
♪
Here we go.
[computer beeping]
Sorry, I know you can’t hear me because your brain doesn’t work. But let’s see what I can do about your vision.
[dramatic music]
♪
It works.
Thank you for meeting with us. We really feel bad about the other night.
Mm, I don’t think I was at my best, either. Meeting the two people closest to Harry, I was nervous. I’m not really great with other women.
You don’t like women. Bit of a guy’s gull.
Will you stop it?
I don’t think I can.
Anyway, we want to talk to you about something on Earth we call girl code. It says that women have to be honest with each other.
Oh. But not with men?
[together] No. Girl code is when we warn each other when one of us is about to make a huge mistake like you are with Harry.
Mm.
I don’t understand.
Well, think about it. He’s in trouble, and he’s asking you to help him out, but you have to break the rules, and pretty soon, you’ll be on the run with him like that movie. Have you ever seen Bonnie and Clyde?
We’re 60 light years behind you guys, so we’re just now getting Chuck Berry music.
Oh, in 30 years, you’re gonna want to look out for the Pixies. You might not be sure at first, but stick around for “Doolittle.” “Bossanova” is actually also kind of sick. You know, I’m gonna make you a list.
OK. Um, what we’re saying is, do you really want to spend your life with a guy you barely know?
Yeah. I mean, how many kids does he have?
What, 300?
400.
Yeah. And never sees ’em.
Most of them are dead.
And have you met his other friends, ever? No. Because he only had one.
Right.
Killed him and ate him.
That is not true! I did not murder 42, a dog did. And I only ate him because it was his last wish. I changed the recipe a little bit, but it said salt to taste, so…
What are you doing here?
We told you, we don’t keep secrets.
OK. OK, we said some mean things just now, Harry, but it’s really because we care for you. We want to help you.
[laughs]
[chuckles]
Help. You never help anyone for them. You do it for you. Because you think helping is the only reason anyone will love you, so you go around looking for broken and needy people to help, which is perfect that this stray cat showed up at your door. Except she cannot give love back.
Uh-uh.
She can only take more and more, because she is a pit of need with no bottom, a sun at the center of her own universe, incapable of caring about anyone else but herself.
OK, well that’s…
Accurate? Yes.
Seems absolutely accurate to me. It’s like infallible math.
You will never know a love like Heather and I. And I feel sorry for you both.
Harry.
You want to get out of here?
Yeah, let’s get out of here. Let’s go be in love somewhere not around hate. I do want those music recs, though, if you get a chance.
Oh, OK.
[upbeat rock music]
♪
Chemistry is a delicate balance. When you mess with the balance, things explode. It is like Asta and her red raggedy sidekick. Asta lied to her about my alien identity, and the imbalance nearly ended their friendship. Now my friendship with Asta has exploded too. It is her fault. I do not care. The formula is now complete, and I will be leaving soon.
[knocking]
That will be Asta coming to apologize, probably with a pie. I will get rid of her, but I will keep the pie.
[test tube rattling]
I need your help.
What?
Whoa, cool volcano.
That is not a volcano. That is a caldera. You were there. Did you not hear the raccoon?
Is this what makes it blow up?
Hey! Do not touch that.
Harry, come to bed. Ew.
Hey, you’re the alien lady from the diner.
You told him who I am?
He is one of those statistical annoyances that can see through our genetic disguises. Such a pest.
Yeah, they’re the worst. Get out of here, pest. Shoo!
Yeah, yeah. Hit the bricks, ya freak.
No, the science fair’s today, and you have to help me make a project.
I don’t have to help you. You need to get out of here before my girlfriend pecks a hole in your face.
Time to go, human child.
You guys are mean.
Make like a Kleenex. Put a little boogie on it.
[laughter]
Oh, well, that turned me on.
[quirky music]
[squawking]
♪
Oh. Would you like something to drink, my love bird?
Nectar.
Nectar? I barely knew her.
[laughter]
Son of a bitch!
♪
OK. Stand by your projects, OK?
Mm-hmm.
OK, kids, the judges are gonna be coming around, so get ready to answer some questions, OK?
All right, Mrs. Hawthorne.
The deer looks…
It’s a bear.
Oh. Hey, check out Max’s project. Max, our son.
You did this all by yourself?
Well, I can’t lie. Yes, I did.
That little shit does not know what he’s done. Even I do not know the effects of the Grey compound. His stupidity may put others in danger, or worse, ruin my caldera. I finally got the color just right.
[dramatic music]
So, Max, what is a caldera?
That’s right.
I’m sorry?
That’s the project. People have to guess. What is a caldera? Do you know?
Of course, I know. I’m a science teacher.
Great! Tell me.
No, you tell me.
I’m sorry. That’s not a good enough answer.
♪
Dr. Vanderspeigle. Hi.
Where is your son?
He is right over there, next to his caldera. Isn’t it great?
He stole it from me.
Of course, he did.
♪
How about a demonstration?
♪
I am too late.
[model hissing]
♪
[alarm blaring]
Come on, let’s go.
Sorry, buddy. We were just about to see your caldera.
He stole it.
Of course, he did. Max.
I know, I’m grounded.
Yeah, I was pretty sure he stole it all along.
Yeah, me too. Are we bad parents?
We’re not great.
[alarm blaring]
[model hissing]
♪
Is this it? Is this the only thing the Greys’ compound does? Just create smoke?
[dramatic eerie music]
♪
Gravity. The scrawny Greys cannot survive in Earth’s gravity. This is what they want… not to destroy the Earth, but to change its atmosphere and gravitational pull so only they can survive and have it to themselves.
That faint one there is Mars, the god of war. And over there is Venus, the gentle goddess of fertility.
Wow.
[eerie whooshing]
What’s that? Let’s go.
Asta, Kayla, come on.
Cool!
Wait up!
Hey, hey.
Slow down!
Come on, this way.
Not so fast.
[ominous music]
Ben!
♪
That’s a terrifying dream.
Not a dream. Remember? Liv said she saw a UFO that night. The Greys were there. They took Ben.
Oh.
I don’t think I was supposed to remember, but maybe something Harry said made the memory come back somehow. I don’t…
Oh, my God, that’s horrible.
I know. And what did I do? Nothing.
You were ten. And you didn’t even remember until now.
It doesn’t matter. I should have known. I’ve been so focused on my own shit that I can’t even see when one of my friends needs help. You know, Harry was right. You heard him. I’m just a selfish asshole who only thinks about myself.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, no, I heard him. I was there.
Yeah, but you have to agree. Otherwise, you would have said “no,” not “yeah.”
I disagree, OK? Harry was just mad. I mean, he said that I only help people so they’ll love me. That’s bullshit.
Yeah, I know.
What was that?
What was what?
You hesitated.
Did not.
You did. I’m a nurse, OK? I help people. So sorry.
OK, stop. Stop. The plan was to break up him and Heather, not us.
Right, I’m sorry. Yes. Sorry.
Look, if I don’t tell Ben, then Harry will definitely be right about me.
You cannot tell him.
I wasn’t there for him then, but I could be there for him now.
You cannot tell him. He has a family, a life. He’s happy, for Ben, anyway. And if you tell him, it could possibly…
Help him?
Ruin his life. Sometimes when we try to help people, it’s not really for them.
Here’s your order, Asta.
Oh, thanks, Kim.
You’re welcome.
Jay asked me to get her some dinner. I am her mother.
I know!
Get that look off your face.
But… what?
Ah.
[eerie music]
♪
[clattering]
♪
All right, Joseph, I know it’s you. Come on out. We can talk about this.
[rapid footsteps]
Joseph?
♪
Some people even find tiny chips in their skin that aliens use as a tracking device.
♪
[ominous music]
♪
[dramatic music]
[knocking]
Hey, buddy.
Hey. What’s going on?
Nothing, just in the neighborhood. I thought I’d drop by. Just a friend checking on her friend. Yeah, how are you doing?
Yeah, fine. It feels like maybe this could have been a phone call.
Ah. You know who shows up in person? Real friends do. That’s who. I thought I’d throw this out there. If you, Kate, ever want, like, a date night, I’m here for you. I could come over and babysit.
Well, the last time you babysat, I found an empty wine bottle in the bathtub.
Doesn’t need to be babysitting. Could be anything, really. You know, airport rides, groceries, you know. [taps piano key] Give this thing a tune.
Take it easy. It’s late.
I know it’s late. I just want you to know I’m here for you. I really am. Whatever you need.
Are you sure you’re doing OK?
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Of course. What was that? Did you say something about camping?
No.
Weird. Could have sworn you did. Huh. You remember those camping trips we used to take up on the ridge?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And that time we were kids, and you saw something, and we all chased after it, like a light. Yeah, sort of. But there wasn’t anything.
Or was there, right?
There wasn’t.
Or was there? I can play this game all night. But wouldn’t it be weird if something did happen and you were forced to forget it? You know, like, abducted by aliens.
Oh, wow.
You wouldn’t even know about it.
Yeah, yeah. That would be pretty weird.
But you were abducted by aliens that night. Or were you? Just kidding. But you were. And I wasn’t there for you then, but I’m here for you now.
I’m sorry, do you are you being serious? You really think I was abducted by aliens?
Let’s bring this full circle. You were abducted by aliens. I can’t tell you how I know, but I do know. And I’m here for you now as a friend, a good friend. [Sighs] OK. Oh, God, I feel good. Do you feel good?
Never better.
Great.
[somber music]
♪
[strumming guitar]
♪ I am just an alien
♪ Who came from up above
♪ I wanted to kill everyone
♪ But then I fell in love
♪ I fell
♪ In love
♪ I fell
♪ In love
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
♪ I fell
♪ In love
♪ She is a Blue Avian
♪ The feelings are complex
♪ I cannot wait to see her soon ♪
♪ So we can have great intercourse ♪
♪ I should have
♪ Said sex
♪ Love has changed everything ♪
♪ Everything I knew
♪ I knew the world had many things ♪
♪ But I never knew the world had you ♪
[suspenseful music]
The Greys know where your family lives. You will do what we say, or we will kill them all. You understand? Good. You work for the Greys now. You are gonna help us get Harry’s alien DNA.
Why? Why are you doing this?
Because we do what we want. And once you give me what I need, you will leave the planet without Harry and you will never see him again, or we will kill him too.
♪ I’m in love with Heather
♪ That’s all I have to say
♪ Together with Heather forever and ever ♪
♪ ‘Cause love never goes away
OK.
♪ Love never goes away
♪
♪ Love never goes away
♪ Love never goes
♪ Away
