Original air date: March 24, 2021
* * *
Do my feet look like watermelons?
‘Cause they feel like it.
The sexiest watermelons I’ve ever seen.
Still so much to do before”Jack” or “Joanie” comes.
We need crib sheets and burp cloths.
So where do we stand on baby food? Jarred or homemade?
I don’t know. I read somewhere homemade doesn’t keep as well. A little too lumpy. Plus, I’ve tried baby applesauce, and it’s freakin’ delicious.
I don’t know.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Oh. Honey, the baby.
You saw that, right?
[Brown Bird’s “Bilgewater”]
[laidback acoustic strumming]
But if I’m dead, why do I feel so warm and squishy like I’m being hugged by a cloud?
This must be the afterlife.
I’m in human heaven.
It makes me want to kill myself.
I see the morphine is still working.
What are you doing here?
Why does the afterlife look like a crappy cabin?
Are you dead too?
I didn’t want to leave you alone after what you’d been through. Come on.
You need to eat just so you can get your strength back.
Now I know why you have 17 gallons of milk in your fridge.
Okay, I need to change your dressing.
Um, I think we should, you know, try to avoid suspicion.
So I started looking into getting you a prosthetic.
I know–what the freakin’ hell is that?
That is my leg.
How is that even possible?
My people are descendants of octopuses.
Soon it will grow longer, and then I will transformthe molecules into human shape.
So you’re telling me eventually that thing will look like that one?
Except for the moleand the hangnail.
I chewed my toenaildown too low.
You can go now.
I stayed up all night.
I got supplies. I dressed your wounds.
I cleaned you up, and this is how you thank me?
I didn’t ask you to stay.
Well, I did ’cause that’s what humans do.
They take care of one another.
You know, when some–I’m sorry, I can’t take you seriously with that thing.
What is wrong with it?
It’s perfectly normal.
Jesus, can you just put a sock on it?
It likes the fresh air.
Also, it’s not a thing.
It is a leg.
You are leg-shaming me.
Be careful with that.
Please be careful.
Do not press the black button.
I’m not ready to radiomy people yet.
This black button?
Say thank you.
Please do not move.
I’m going to work,and I’ll be back later.
If all goes as planned, there won’t be a “later.”
I knew it.
Why are you ignoring my calls?
Um, I’m sorry.
I’ve just been so busy.
‘Cause last night, you sent me inside to get help, and when I came back out, you and Harry were gone, so–
Yeah, uh, sorry.
Harry was in bad shape.
And I realizedwe didn’t have an MRI machine.
So I took him to the hospitalin Braddock.
I know you too well. You’re lying.
I am not.
Yeah, you are. You have a tell.
Oh, really? What’s my tell?
Well, I can’t tell you because then you’d know what the tell is and you’d hide the tell from me, and I wouldn’t be able to tell. It’s like–
Wow, you ever thought about working for the CIA?
Yeah, actually, I’m waiting to hear back.
The doctor had me call Braddock to follow up on Harry’s MRI.
But they have no record of it.
That’s a mistake. So I’ll take care of it.
Why is she staring at you like that?
What did you do?
Don’t you have better things to do, Ellen?
Maybe unpack the shipment of catheters that came in this morning?
Oh, right. The fun stuff.
Got my eye on you, Twelvetrees.
[light tense music]
The power source is damaged.
Built to provide energy for 5,000 years but apparently not built to withstand an unprotected fall into a crevasse.
Certain alien races implant tiny transmitters into human beings to monitor their activity.
If I can find one of those, I can reverse engineer it to reboot my device.
[knocking at door]
I heard you fell down a crevasse.
Did you find your radio?
My radio is broken.
I’m trying to fix it.
Well, maybe I can help.
Is this it?
Don’t touch that.
You need… [sighs]
At least you’re okay.
If Asta wasn’t there, I would be dead.
Except now she knows the truth about me.
You told her?!
I thought this whole alien thing was just our secret.
It stopped being a secret when you told your little friend over there in the head covering.
She must have followed me. Don’t worry.
She’s not gonna tell anyone.
She swore to Allah.
How many people have you told?
Are you trying to cut me out?
‘Cause if it wasn’t for me, you’d be in Georgia by now.
I made this truce happen. I want in.
You are so pushy.
Oh, looks like aliens are also put off by strong women.
Get used to it. We’re not going anywhere.
What are you hiding under there?
I covered it for a reason.
It’s his radio so he can contact his people.
But it’s broken. So he’s trying to fix it.
Why can’t you just go home on your spaceship?
They took it, didn’t they?
How did you know that?
Must be the government. That means they’re after you.
It could be any of the agencies.
But it’s probably “Men in Black.”
It’s a top-secret agency that monitors alien activity on Earth.
But they don’t always wear black, and they’re not only men.
Then why do they call them “Men in Black”?
Because it’s cooler than calling them “People in Clothes.”
It’s pretty obvious.
I’m not worried.
Once I fix my radio, they won’t be a problem.
I’m just missing a part.
Have you tried the hardware store?
They have everything.
My dad even bought a pair of pajamas there.
Unless you know someone who has been in contact with other aliens, then I’m–
what is the expression?
“Shit out of luck.” [chuckles]
If you don’t stop using that kind of language around us, we’re gonna have to wash your mouth out with soap.
Go ahead. I like soap.
I eat it all the time.
Shit, ass, piss, dink.
Where is the soap? I’m so hungry.
Wait, I know where you can go to find alien stuff.
Hey! Where are you going?
I need to go pick up a missing piece for my radio.
You are not driving with one leg.
Your leg grew back.
Just like I said it would.
Now I have got to go.
Even as a pretend doctor, you have to know that the medication still stays in your system.
I just took more. I’ll be fine.
Which one is my truck?
Give me these.
I will drive you.
Where are we going?
Wow. We’re really gonna do this.
[upbeat synth music]
Are they supposed to be me?
My people are not a costume.
Welcome to my life.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Kind of cool that I’m here with an actual alien.
I feel special.
You’re not special. You’re common.
That’s oddly less offensive now that I know you’re from outer space.
Here you go.
Okay. So what now?
[“Starman” by David Bowie]
Our ancestors had teachers.
The engineering knowledge came from the extraterrestrials.
Finally, a little credit.
I like this high-haired gentleman.
♪ He’s told us not to blow it ♪
♪ ‘Cause he knows it’s all worthwhile ♪
♪ He told me let the children lose it ♪
The Moon landing was a sham.
It was all filmed on a soundstage by Kubrick.
The astronauts did land on the Moon.
And their bodies were taken over before they returned.
And we find evidence of this all around the world.
Mayans, everyone talks about their calendar, but they never gave credit for their day planner.
We have the Grays.
Jerks, so cheap.
Little Green Men.
They are cute, but they so know it.
One of them owes me money.
And the Blue Avians.
They’re actually very nice.
[warm country music]
Well, don’t you two look cozy?
Do you have anything you want to say to me?
Well, I don’t know.
Do you have anything you want to say to me?
In that case, yes.
Have a good day.
Goodbye, Lewis. I’ll see you on Thursday.
♪ Walked out on over the plains ♪
We’re having lunch.
She’s sitting here probably trash-talking me, and you buying her lunch? I see how it is.
She didn’t say anything.
In fact, she mostly listened. You could use that.
What is that supposed to mean?
Your relationship with Liv reminds me of me and your mom before she up and left me.
You mean when she died?
I’ll never forgive her for that.
Your mother was sharp. She always challenged me.
When I messed up, she wouldn’t let me off the hook until I took steps to fix it.
You might want to think about that one.
Order me a burger. Be right back.
Hey, hey, hey. Dad, Dad.
Hey, hey! It’s okay to ask for help.
Look who’s talking.
♪ If you think what you got is enough ♪
♪ Then God gonna call your bluff ♪
♪ You got a long road ahead
♪ Longer than you think
♪ A long road ahead
Sam’s toxicology results are in.
Botulinum Toxin A levels are through the roof.
Sam was poisoned.
Maybe with insulin as the method of delivery, all he or she would need to do is inject the toxin into a single insulin vial and wait for Sam to use it.
♪ Ooh ♪
Son of a bitch.
♪ Wake up in the morning ♪
♪ Rise and shine ♪
♪ Wake up in the morning, rise and shine ♪
♪ Wake up in the morning, rise and shine ♪
Hey, Sheriff, have a seat.
I’ll be with you in about ten.
Yeah, well, I ain’t here on grooming business.
I’m here on official sheriff’s business.
I see you do Botox injections.
You’ll need about 20 units for that furrowed brow.
Well, I got news for you.
I like to furrow, and I like the lines.
Abigail Hodges, you’re under the arrest for the murder of Sam Hodges.
What?! What are you talking about?
I’ll tell you what I’m talking about.
You see, I went through your phone records, and I found repeated calls, and I mean a shit ton of them, to one number.
You know who it belonged to? Thomas Hoffman.
[whispers] Okay, fine.
We are casually seeing each other.
But are you gonna arrest me for having a social life?
Can’t a widow move on?
Well, of course, a widow can move on.
The only problem is those calls– they started way before Sam died.
You see, I think you wanted to get rid of Sam ’cause you was having an affair.
Oh, now just hang on a second–
All you needed was high levels of botulism, which you clearly had access to.
Then you took that poison, and you put it in Sam’s insulin bottle. And then from there, it was a ticking timebomb just waiting to go off.
And it finally did.
Turn around and put your hands behind your back.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
You got the right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford an attorney, I’d be surprised because this salon is bangin’.
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
What is it you’re looking for at an alien experiencer panel?
I’ll know when I see it.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Hi, I’m Peter Bach.
Most of you know me from my podcast as “The Alien Tracker.”
I have spent 15 years working at the Carl Sagan Center at SETI.
I’ve been a government consultant.
And if you’ve read my books, you’ll know I possess a special skill set that makes aliens fear me.
And, of course, I had my own encounter, which was, well, terrifying to say the least.
So it’s my honest belief that aliens walk amongst us.
And my mission has become to find aliens, to trap them, and, well…
One shot of this… [electricity crackles]
10,000 volts, I can knock out an elephant.
I’m not an elephant.
I also found that talking about my encounter helped me feel a sense of control.
And I’d like you to think of this as a safe forum where you can do the same.
So please, come on up and share with the room with no judgment, so we can all hear about your experiences.
I was driving home late one night when this blue light beamed through the roof of my car.
I woke with these triangular cuts… I was paralyzed.
And lesions on my stomach and across my back.
It was horrible.
It’s etched on my brain forever.
They strapped me to this cold, hard metal surface.
And they are here to kill us.
Took this long tubular rod and they put it in– in my–
[cries] [audience murmuring]
He was going to say his asshole.
One night, a few months ago, my ex-husband and I were fighting, which is sort of a usual thing for us.
Um… I finally decided I’d had enough, so I ran out, but I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing.
And then I saw it.
It was a fire in the sky,
like a guiding light.
It gave me strength.
Strength to move on and never look back.
Months later, I came into contact with who I now know was the occupant of that UFO.
Something about him made me feel safe and not alone.
And I know that that’s not what you all have experienced.
But trust me, based on my encounter, I don’t think they’re monsters.
I think some of them are here to do good.
Who would have thought?
Well, congratulations on solving the case.
You must be happy.
Yeah, well, you know, a man died.
So there really isn’t very much to be happy about.
Of course. I just meant–
well, you did use up a lot of resources dragging the lake.
Like, a tremendous amount actually that I’m still trying to justify to the town council.
Probably can’t afford to have Patience Family Day this year on the town green.
But hey, you got to the bottom it.
That’s what’s important.
Yeah, that’s right. That’s what’s important.
Thank you. [sighs]
Hello to you, Jay. What can I get for you?
We have a happy hour special on IPAs.
Are you offering me a drink? I’m not even 18 yet.
I meant to offer you a juice in an opaque mug.
Well, actually, I just came in to ask if I could interview you for the school paper.
Everyone in town is talking about the rescue.
I’m so sick of people making a big deal about this.
You don’t have to put me on a pedestal.
It won’t take long, and I’m only doing it for the extra credit.
Oh, well, in that case.
It’s only a few questions.
All right. [clears throat]
So you were an Olympic skier.
What was it like to wipe out and lose in front of the whole world?
Would you consider yourself a fallen hero because you were a hero and then you fell?
Um, I don’t know. I thought this interview was supposed to be about the rescue thing.
I’m establishing background.
So what happened to your hand?
First time I fell down the crevasse.
You fell down a crevasse?
Yeah. What did you think happened?
I don’t know.
I thought you were stuck on top of the mountain.
You climbed out with your hand looking like that?
Well, yeah. Kind of had to.
I was 30 feet down.
Asta and Harry were down even further.
I knew any rescue effort would have to wait until the storm had passed, at which point, it would be too late as we would have all gone into hypothermia and be dead.
Asta could have died?
Yeah. She could have.
I mean, we all could have died actually.
We’re pretty lucky.
You know what, I, um, I think I’ll take that juice in the opaque mug now.
You bitch, I almost lost you.
Oh, I’m okay.
I just feel like– you should probably, like, buy me a drink or something ’cause I’m like–uh, my nerves are like fried eggs.
We’re gonna do two sodas.
One with vodka.
When I woke up, I had no idea where I was.
I mean, one minute, I was in bed, and the next minute, I was lying in a ditch by the side of the road.
And they put something in me.
I don’t know why, but they’re following me.
Look, you can see it.
Alien technology. That’s it.
Why do I smell fish?
Because I made branzino.
Tonight’s supposed to be taco night.
Does that mean that tacos are moving to tomorrow night?
Because that’s-that’s spaghetti.
Will you relax, just try to get out of your comfort zone?
Yeah, but– Max is at the movies with Sahar.
So I invited a friend over with her husband.
I want you to meet them. You’re gonna love them.
Maybe we could do fish tacos.
This is my husband, Ben.
Ben, this is Sarah and Richard Houston.
Oh, come on. We’re friends.
You can call him Dick.
Well, we’re having fish.
I want to thank you all for coming and for sharing.
Come down and visit me.
We have a booth on the con floor.
A lot of cool merchandise. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Wait. Harry, where are you going?
Alien Tracker, hold up.
Can I get an autograph?
I’m sorry. Excuse me.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Yeah. You’re welcome.
Sorry. It’s my turn.
Do you mind?
I’m going to cut that alien technology out of your arm, and then I’m going to leave.
[gasps] [shutter clicks]
What the hell!
Aah, it’s not alien! It’s a BB.
A BB got lodged in my arm when I was a kid.
Okay, I lied.
What is wrong with you?
You’re the one with the knife, you freakin’ psycho. [grunts]
What the hell is going on?
What are you looking for?
And don’t lie.
I think I deserve at least that.
When the Grays abduct a human, they leave alien technology implanted on their body.
It is a transmitter.
It is a way for them to track the victim.
I need to find one.
Is that why we’re here?
So you can rip an implant out of some poor person’s arm?
It’s for my radio.
The implant is made of an alien metal.
I need it.
The Alien Tracker is after me.
He can see me like Max.
I don’t understand.
The rest is self-explanatory.
His name is Alien Tracker.
Maybe we should go then.
It was, like–
I mean, he designed the whole thing himself, the whole thing. He made it all on his own.
Oh, I’m so sad.
I thought Max was gonna be here tonight.
We’re so looking forward to meeting him.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love kids.
We want them, but the doctor said Sarah’s probably too old.
I’m sure that it will happen for you two.
Meanwhile, enjoy the freedom ’cause kids are a lot.
That’s why it’s so nice having some adult time.
Mmm. Fun fact, more people died choking on branzino bones per year than heart disease.
Honey, could you help me with dessert?
Sweetie, you haven’t said two words all night.
I’m pulling all of the weight here.
Well, I’m sorry.
I think not having tacos has kind of thrown me off my game.
Look, I’m trying.
You spent the last half hour playing medical examiner with your fish bones.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I swallowed most of them.
Uh, it doesn’t make me feel better.
Okay. I feel terrible.
I really like Sarah and Dick.
And it’s nice to have couple friends who we can have over for dinner. Can you try?
[sighs] Okay. Look, I’ll be more sociable.
I’ll talk to Dick about candle making.
Or something else.
What, you don’t–what, you don’t like my candles?
No, I mean, of course.
I… love them.
It’s just– it’s not really exciting dinner conversation.
Not sure I want to live in that world, but okay.
Just leave the baby talk to me, okay?
I’m the mother-to-be.
Well, that’s not what the doctor said.
Hey, listen, asshole, just do your job.
Keep them engaged so I can go on a little reconnaissance mission.
I did an Internet deep dive and found pictures of Ben making these shitty candles. Ask him about it.
Hope everyone’s in the mood for pie.
May I use your powder room first?
I have to say, these are really, really nice candles.
What are they made of? Soy?
Well, actually, there are–yeah, there are several different kinds of, um– not sure.
I don’t know.
Just a regular store-bought candle.
Okay, um, keep moving.
I got this.
Oh, my God. You’re the Alien Tracker.
I have listened to every episode of your podcast.
I was wondering if maybe I could get a selfie with you?
And this crazy dude came in and tried to stab me with a scalpel.
Why are you just staring at me? Are you gonna help me?
Can we just go look for him?
I’m not crazy.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Hey, can I help you?
I need to hide. Can you leave?
What are you hiding from?
The Alien Tracker. He’s chasing me.
He thinks I’m an alien. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Um… He’s a crazy guy.
Well, I have no problem hiding aliens.
Wait a minute.
You are that hair guy, the one who knows all about ancient monuments.
Yeah, that’s me. Would you like a signed copy?
I would rather have flower-shaped fruit.
[light suspenseful music]
Hey, what are you doing up here?
I know. I’m such a snoop, right?
I just love your decorating style.
I had to see what the rest of the house looked like.
You could have asked for a tour.
I’ll be honest with you.
This whole “not being able to have kids” thing is really hard.
And I just wanted to see your son’s room.
Just don’t give up.
Women are having babies older and older now.
You just never know.
I’m actually not the problem.
Dick only said that because he’s so self-conscious.
But he has very low motility.
Look, if you want to get a taste for it, you can babysit Max whenever you want.
Oh, I would love that.
I’ll take such good care of him.
What’s interesting is that the masonry style of Delphi, Cuzco, or Sacsayhuamán are virtually identical, and they’re considered “navels of the world” where deities descended from the sky and imparted knowledge to the local population.
So those places are on two opposite ends of the planet, and they have the same stories.
So you have to wonder if these people had been visited by the same beings.
And if so, then you have to ask the question, “Who were they? And where did they come from?”
You should be on television.
I have to go.
I hope I didn’t bore you.
You’re out of fruit flowers.
I left you the honeydew melon.
They taste like old women’s perfume.
Kate doesn’t love the whole candle thing?
I accidentally spilled some wax on her head once.
She lost some hair.
What are you gonna do?
Yeah, I get it. You know, Sarah can get pretty particular about the things I do too.
Very passionate, very passionate ladies.
Oh, that’s-that’s one word for it.
Want to fire it up? Show you how it’s done.
Please, yeah, yeah, oh.
[sighs] I just find it pretty relaxing.
Helps me cope with the pressures of being mayor, especially after the town doctor was murdered.
We did just make an arrest though.
And it was the first murder in Patience since, like, the 1800s.
I’ve always wanted to say, you know, “Not on my watch, buddy.”
But yeah, it was– it was on my watch.
Think I might have been across the street when it happened.
Do you like pumpkin spice?
Mmm. That was close.
It’s like everybody is talking about me like I’m some big hero…
♪ Close to you
Except for the two people whose lives I actually saved that incidentally are both completely ignoring me.
♪ Close to you ♪
You know, I should be hanging out with my friend right now.
Bitch, I’m your friend.
We’re closer than you and Asta.
We shared a boyfriend in high school.
You mean the guy that you slept with behind my back?
I grabbed his dick, and he was into it.
So what am I supposed to do, say no?
Oh, yeah. Fair point.
It just, like, bothers me I can’t get ahold of them.
I’ve been texting all day.
I don’t know, maybe something happened to her.
Maybe they’re not okay.
I don’t know. It’s kind of freaking me out.
Yeah, probably something bad did happen to her.
I don’t know. She probably got kidnapped or something or, like, people are after her and, like, she’s in the back of a car, like, in a trunk, like, screaming and, like, pounding and, like-or she could be dead.
She could be dead in a ditch somewhere, like, covered in blood and, like, intestines are, like, trailing out–
Is this supposed to help me feel better?
So we’re gonna switch gears over to karaoke.
First up, we have our own Liv Baker singing a song for us.
[cheers and applause] Come on.
[Bette Midler’s “Wind Beneath My Wings”]
♪ Oh, whoa ♪
♪ It must have been cold there ♪
♪ In my shadow ♪
♪ To never have sunlight ♪
♪ On your face ♪
♪ You were content to let me shine ♪
♪ That’s your way ♪
♪ You always walked a step behind ♪
♪ So I was the one with all the glory ♪
What the hell is happening?
♪ While you were the one ♪
♪ With all the strength ♪
♪ A beautiful face without a name ♪
♪ For so long ♪
♪ A beautiful smile that hides the pain ♪
♪ Did you ever know ♪
♪ That you’re my hero ♪
♪ And everything I would like to be? ♪
Both: ♪ I can fly higher ♪
♪ Than an eagle ♪
♪ You are the wind beneath my wings ♪
[cheers and applause]
Guess I’m deputy again.
I first learned the concept of two for one when there was a sale on day old baguettes at the market.
But having this Alien Tracker in my grips and discovering he was implanted with the very chip I need is even more exciting than getting an extra two-foot-long crouton.
I’m taking that alien technology out of your neck.
No, wait. Where is my baby?
The one you took out of my wife 30 years ago on the bus.
We don’t do that. That’s the Greys.
You’re a Grey.
How dare you!
Please don’t take it out.
It’s the only way they can find me if they come back.
It’s the only way I’ll ever meet my son.
They’re not coming back for you.
They already got what they wanted.
I recognize you.
You were in that Experiencer Panel.
I heard what you said up there.
It was very touching. But you should be careful.
What do you mean?
For all you know, your alien is a Christopher Columbus of the sky.
[light suspenseful music]
Let’s go. I got what I needed.
Well, that makes me nervous.
Don’t worry. I didn’t hurt him.
He was on his knees, thanking me.
You’re a monster.
There are no monsters.
Beings do what needs to be done in order to survive.
[“No Aloha” by The Breeders]
♪ No bye, no aloha ♪
Are you in there?!
♪ Gone with a rock promoter ♪
♪ A rock promoter ♪
♪ And now may die ♪
♪ Oh, the treats ♪
♪ Saw it on the wall ♪
♪ “Motherhood means mental freeze” ♪
♪ Freezeheads ♪
♪ No aloha ♪
♪ I know, I saw ♪
♪ And now may die ♪
3 thoughts on “Resident Alien – S01E09 – Welcome Aliens [Transcript]”
What is the name of a country song with this words:
“if you think what you got is enough
then God gonna call your bluff”?
I’m looking for that song too
The song is “Long Road Ahead” by C.S. Armstrong