Original air date: March 10, 2021
* * *
The biggest misconception humans have about the universe is that it’s enormous. It’s not. It’s tiny.
It’s all so finite and smells of slightly burnt caramel corn. I understand why these dumb humans don’t know anything about the extended universe. They’ve never been there.
But the universe has been to them.
[Brown Bird’s “Bilgewater”]
[laidback acoustic strumming]
What’s going on? What are you doing? Where are we?
We have a second subject on the scene. Confirm engagement of the primary target.
Negative, stand by.
Roger that, standing by.
Hello. I thought you were napping.
Napping? You mean knocked out from the sleeping pills you slipped into my coffee?
I found them in the bloody drawer. Faked falling asleep so I could follow you here. Why did you do that to me? What are doing out here in the middle of the night alone?
The problem is we’re not alone.
The only reason I’m out here is that I needed space.
Yes, space like husbands often say in television shows…
And since I am your husband and nothing else, I took one of my nightly drives looking for nothing and ended up at this random place for no reason.
And I enjoy rocks and dirt.
You want space? I hope you find it.
Oh. But let’s kiss and make up. We can make it work, you and me. You are my gal, and I’m your fella. Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
It’s nothing. It’s just some marriage squabble.
I’ll see you later…
At our home.
Shoot him anyway.
Stand down, Sergeant! I repeat, stand down.
Roger that. Standing down.
There is something so wrong with you.
They stole my ship. They know I’m stranded here. They must be searching for me. I would grow a mustache as a disguise, but then I’d have to get a job as a firefighter or a pedophile.
[soft dramatic music]
We should talk.
What are you making for dinner?
Ugh, I’m leaving.
I can’t spend another night here with you.
I like it when you make the mini chickens.
You’re not listening.
I’m leaving you.
You said that once, but you’re still here.
I don’t want her to go. I’m very hungry.
I need her to make me food. I must get her to stay.
I have an idea.
That didn’t work.
I can’t live like this.
I feel alienated, lied to.
Are you upset because I drugged you?
I was trying to be kind.
On television, the Three Stooges
knock each other out with skillets.
I don’t even know who you are anymore.
I don’t like this.
Just answer me one question.
Did you ever love me?
Thank you for finally being honest.
Hey, have you looked at Max Hawthorne’s file?
Is that the one who pees the bed or the one who sees monsters?
Uh, well, it’s called teraphobia, I guess.
I’ve never heard of it.
If you could just…
I’ve known Max forever, and he’s never shown anything like this before, you know?
Don’t you think it’s extreme that Dr. Vanderspeigle is suggesting sending him away?
Well, my parents sent me to a school in Connecticut when I was a kid.
I don’t mean to brag, but I think I turned out okay.
They sent you away for a medical condition?
No, I was really good at lacrosse.
That was… no help at all.
Did you ever notice anything unusual about Jay’s behavior?
She was always a little shifty and quiet.
Like how drug addicts are quiet?
Like she was just sitting around daydreaming about her next sniff and puff?
“Sniff and puff.”
Just quiet… like she was planning something.
And once she microwaved fish in the kitchen.
We have someone at work who digs into people’s yogurts and steals the fruit from the bottom.
[soft dramatic music]
Is there a problem here?
They think Jay stole the prescription pads.
I said she was nice and would never do that.
Well, Jay didn’t steal the pads, so thanks for stopping by.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, somebody calling themselves “the Pharmacist” stole that prescription pad.
And I have reason to believe that same someone used the botulinum toxin to poison Sam Hodges.
Well, we can’t really be sure they’re connected.
Wait, we can’t?
Did you just say “can’t”?
I done told you about can’t, right?
Can’t you can every now and then?
Well, you can’t a lot more than you can.
I don’t really know what you’re saying, and Asta is gone now.
Damn it. Asta!
Get back in… hey!
Hey, Asta! [car horn blares]
Hey, you better put that shit in park.
You see this badge? What the hell you doing?
Hey, listen to me, damn it. This is a big deal, all right?
Those pads are like gold.
You think I don’t know that?
Look, I know you like Jay, but she goes to the same school as the pill popper, and she works at the clinic.
Now, if it wasn’t her, then who then, huh?
Who else at the clinic might have done it?
It wasn’t Jay.
Looks like somebody wants to dance, huh?
♪ Shake those knees, Miss Twelvetrees ♪
Okay, no dancing today. Some other time.
Hey, Sheriff, I just want to say thank you again for the update on the murder investigation.
You’re doing really great work.
You know, that theory about the insulin bottles being a possible method of delivery is genius.
Oh, thank you, Mayor.
I’ve been busting my ass on this one.
Yeah, me too.
I have been busting my ass so much.
Like, real busy busting the old hump, so whew. [sighs]
Okay, good, good.
Why you acting all weird, huh?
Come on. We got a murder to solve.
Now it’s we, great.
This is my fault.
I should have destroyed my ship, but I wanted to keep it so I could get home.
Now they have it. What do I have?
Just this stupid human body with two useless nipples that don’t even produce milk.
Oh, no, is that why I haven’t found my device yet?
If they have my ship, maybe they have my device too.
[groans and grumbles]
As I was allowing myself to feel my feelings, I couldn’t help but wonder.
How do humans deal with failure?
The answer came to me in one simple word… medication.
I feel better [voice distorts] already.
You sure do sleep a lot.
You know, that’s a sign of depression.
You are that guy who doesn’t have life in him anymore.
Why are you here? You’re supposed to be dead.
I was hungry.
Thought I’d cook up one of these steaks that you packed me in.
Can I have some?
I heard you screwing my wife from the freezer the other night.
Sounded like a monkey killing a dolphin.
You’re not very good at sex.
Such a loser.
I am not a loser.
I have a handsome face and a nice house.
That’s my face.
This is my house and my wife!
You have nothing. You lost your device.
You can’t even find your spaceship.
You had one simple mission. You completely failed.
And that makes you more than just a loser.
That makes you human.
Don’t call me that.
That’s the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.
You wanted to destroy the human race.
The human race destroyed you, you sad, pathetic, stupid little shit stick.
Now that is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.
[soft dramatic music]
Mm, what an asshole.
Commitment, community, compassion.
The Donnelly Institute, providing the highest quality of care to your children.
What do you think? They have horses.
Why do you hate me?
We love you.
And we don’t use the word hate in this family, remember?
What about the other day when you dropped a glass in the kitchen?
You pulled out your hair and said, “I hate myself!”
Mm, yeah, well, Daddy was having a bad day.
Can we focus on what we just watched?
It’s a very special place, Max, for special kids.
Yeah, think of it like Hogwarts.
Yeah. And you’re Harry Potter.
Mm‐hmm. Harry Potter is a freak.
Mm, child wizard, pretty cool.
I know that this decision might be difficult for you to understand.
Wait, did Dr. Vanderspeigle call you,
you know, in case he changed his mind?
Dr. Vanderspeigle isn’t the town physician anymore, and the new doctor approved the paperwork yesterday.
You have to trust us that this is what’s best for you.
Our decision is final.
Hey, I think that went okay.
♪ I will bring you to your knees ♪
This is my life now… human being.
So I have to live like humans do:
Occupy my time at a job I loathe, slowly rotting away until I die.
What are my choices?
I have one low fat cow’s milk latte with an extra shot of agitation for Karen.
[tattoo gun buzzing]
There you go.
I waited my whole life for this.
I love Jerry Orbach.
[muffled] Harry, Harry…
Harry, Harry, snap out of it.
What are you doing here?
My parents are still sending me away.
Didn’t you talk to them? We had a truce.
I think I told them that you should rot in that psych hospital. What?
I’m not good at truces. Now go away.
I have a lot of being human to do.
You want to be a human, then don’t have alien stuff in the back of your truck, dummy.
I don’t know why you didn’t just tell them that Jimmy stole the pad.
Because I wasn’t sure it was him.
It’s not like I had any proof.
Sometimes, you just got to trust your gut, you know?
To be honest, you really do have good instincts about people.
Ah. Always have.
High school, remember, you were the only one who said that I shouldn’t date Rob Sharp.
He had a panel van with a mattress in the back.
I know. It was subtle.
Somehow you knew he was bad news.
Who’s this? Ooh.
What? Wait, really?
[The Record Company’s “Life to Fix”]
♪ I got this life to fix ♪
♪ Threw it all out in a ditch ♪
He’s been here for hours. I have to close up.
I can’t get the guy to leave. [chuckles]
First time you’ve had that problem.
He left you pretty quick after you gave him stink hand.
That was your cat.
Hey, don’t talk shit about Kevin.
Would you guys stop it? Jesus.
Why is he here?
He was applying for a job, but my boss said Harry was overqualified.
I guess he’s got, like, a PTSD from Stamford.
Babe, is the spray you put in those shoes a little toxic?
A little bit, yeah.
Die, inferior species.
[game beeping and buzzing]
Uh, Judy says you’ve been here all day.
Maybe you want to go home to your wife?
My wife left me, and I lost my job, and my life is horrible. Wow.
Sounds like you’re writing country music.
Oh, Isabelle left?
I’m so sorry. She was interesting.
Yeah, yeah. Can we do anything?
No, I already tried booze and pills, but they didn’t make me feel any better.
Jesus, Harry, you’re a doctor.
You can’t use booze and pills to feel better.
Yeah. Judy, get the pot.
♪ Build it back brick by brick ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
[strained] This is awesome.
[easy listening music]
My stomach can’t get full.
These noodles are bomb. I’m still depressed.
But it doesn’t matter. I don’t care.
You’re doing depression right.
The key is to embrace it.
Once you accept that you’ve got nothing, then you’ve got nothing left to lose.
The low point, that’s where freedom lives.
You know, my dad used to say that when your life…
Wait, I had it.
I’m… I’m so high.
I’m on tenterhooks.
I need to know what Dan said.
[soft dramatic music]
Hello, cousin. We have been waiting for you.
So why do you look like them?
I had to blend in.
You know how it is. That’s what we do.
You are here just in time. Things are getting bad for us.
There is an expression on Earth.
“I have good news and bad news.”
The bad news is I crashed, lost my device, and have failed my mission. Well, what’s the good news?
My friends didn’t order the octopus?
[chuckles] Look at Harry.
I don’t think he’s ever been high.
[laughs] It’s so strange.
He is so fried.
I think there’s something wrong with that guy.
What if he’s a sociopath that has wives all over the country?
What if I had become his Patience wife?
I might have died…
Oh, my God.
In a pyre.
What’s a pyre?
I don’t know.
You cannot give up on your mission.
You need to help us.
Our people depend on… oh, my God.
Are you high?
Look, my brother’s been swimming around for six years with a plastic six‐pack container wrapped around his ass, and you’re here smoking bowls?
Just so long as you’re having a good time.
Panic‐inducing pressure is not an effective tool on people who smoke marijuana, man.
Look, you already know the answer.
I can see it inside you next to a large pile of udon noodles.
But I don’t… wait, of course, the boy Mike can help.
No, wait, Mark. Ma… Max.
That’s it. I have to go.
If anybody asks, please tell them I landed on purpose.
Don’t tell them I crashed.
I’m in a box of water in the middle of a restaurant.
Who am I gonna tell?
And break us out!
We should have opened with that.
This is Asta.
She’s single, and she likes to read very terrible beach books. [chuckles]
What are you doing?
I wanted chips, and it’s easier to break into your house than a grocery store.
You can’t just sneak in here. I’m gonna install cameras.
Why do you smell like that kid at school that wears his jacket inside?
At the diner, you said that there was “alien stuff” in the back of my truck.
How did you know that? It’s under a tarp.
Because of the green glow. You can see that?
I couldn’t even see that.
It must be the same genetic mutation that allows you to see through my molecular reconstruction.
What were we talking about?
The green glow.
If you can see that, maybe you can help me find my device.
Hey, can you have your mother put popcorn on the shopping list?
I’m not doing anything for you unless you get me out of going to that dumb school in Georgia.
Oh, right, okay.
I’ll help you get out of going to that dumb school in Georgia.
Hey… can you have your mother put popcorn on the shopping list?
I peed in your bed.
[soft dramatic music]
We gonna solve this murder. I can feel it.
You feel it, Deputy?
I can feel it.
I told you they’d probably put us on the “Dateline” or something.
Wow, can you imagine?
My grandma would love me finally.
I’m talking about me and Cletus.
Do you want to be on the “Dateline”?
Do you want to be on the “Dateline,” you cute little son of a bitch?
I know who stole the prescription pad.
It was Jimmy.
You hear that, Cletus? We got ourselves a lead.
There’s been a mistake.
What kind of mistake?
I misdiagnosed your son.
I re‐examined Max’s file, and I concluded that he is just an average kid with an overimaginative mind like Dr. Seuss who, as it turns out, isn’t even a real doctor, so shame on him.
Wait, so you’re saying that we don’t have to send Max away?
It appears not.
Wow, well, that’s great news. Isn’t it, honey?
Do you have any idea what you’ve put us through?
We haven’t been able to sleep or eat.
You’ve driven a wedge between me and my husband.
There’s a wedge?
What kind of a doctor misdiagnoses a child?
Mrs. Hawthorne, if I can jump in, I’m sorry to say that sometimes doctors do make mistakes.
[chuckles] No, never.
It was no one’s fault.
Wrong, it’s your fault.
Okay, thought that was good news.
Thank you. Well, mm‐hmm.
The door’s right here. You can see it.
Why not just get a crowbar and pry this bitch open?
Because we’ve never encountered this type of material before.
How about dynamite?
Okay, you see what I’m talking about?
Well, you remember what I said about the “death” and “crazy”?
Please just give me more time.
Okay, but don’t make me regret it.
My parents aren’t sending me away.
This man enjoys the taste of human blood.
It’s very funny. [chuckles]
I don’t think that’s supposed to be funny.
This is a piece of my spaceship.
Can you see the green glow?
[soft dramatic music]
How about now?
Yeah, I see it.
The energy from our technology can only be seen by your naked eye.
I will construct something to assist your eyeball.
You will help me find my device.
Why? What does it do?
It will cook your monkey ass.
Consider it a radio.
Let me tell you what I think happened.
You snuck into Grandma’s kitchen.
You got your hand caught in the cookie jar and thought, “Well, now I got to kill Grandma.”
My grandma died of pneumonia.
Nonetheless, you stole the pad from the clinic, and when Sam caught you, you poisoned him, didn’t you?
That’s crazy. My thoughts exactly.
I swear, I didn’t kill anybody.
I already told him that. God forbid he listens to me.
You know, I worked with a guy who never listened to me once.
You know Bert from the lumberyard?
Oh, yeah. I went to school with Bert.
He was always the same way, right?
Gets his mind made up and then is like,
There’s no talking to him.
“Forget it.” No way,
Excuse me, excuse me, there’s nothing…
sorry to interrupt this little stroll down who gives a shit lane, but is there something you want to say to me, Deputy?
Sir, someone who plans a delayed murder by inserting botulinum into an insulin vial isn’t the same idiot who swipes prescription pads from an unlocked desk. No offense.
I like where you’re going with this.
The Pharmacist wasn’t a murderer.
His only motivation was to sell drugs to students.
He sold that stuff to kids?
Oh, you got something you want to tell us?
Fine, I took the pad, and I sold it to make a couple of bucks.
How was I supposed to know he was gonna sell it to kids?
He was just some dude who worked at the high school.
Mm, seems like that’s math you could have worked out.
So if you’re not the Pharmacist, tell me who is.
[knocks at door]
What’s on your face?
I am a firefighter named Albert.
Take it off.
Mr. Wagner went to prison for looking like that.
Yes, this is it.
Here, we can use this old radioscope.
Stop playing with that. Grab that.
We can use this old telescope.
Grab these wires.
What are the lightbulbs for? The lamp on my bedside table.
Now I don’t have to go to the store.
Any available unit…
There is a cat stuck on the cell tower again.
Officer assistance is requested.
Tell you what, I’d feel better about this if Cletus was here. Poor little guy has got a cold.
I set him up at home in bed, you know, with a cup of tea.
Well, I’m here, and I’m actually a human being, so that’s not too bad.
Yeah, I get it…
Richard Ferguson… or should I call you “the Pharmacist”?
Oh, hell no.
Hell no! Get back here.
Hey, hey, damn it!
Oh, you fast.
Hey, hey, get back here!
Hey, slow your ass down, hey!
Jumping up stairs now? God damn it!
[easy listening music]
Hey, get back here, boy!
Hey, hey! Damn it.
If I pull something, I’ma take it out your ass.
Do you hear me?
[serene orchestral music]
Hey, stop, you son of a bitch!
Get back here. Hey, damn it, stop there!
Hey, hey, slow down! Slow your ass down!
Hey, what… where’d you come from?
Well, it’s my old stomping grounds, sir.
I know all the shortcuts. Roll over.
Get your ass up.
You’ve got the right to remain silent…
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Deputy, “you’ve”?
That’s a contraction. You can’t contract Miranda.
Watch how it’s done.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Why do you have books? Don’t you own a computer?
These amulets were discovered in Colombia.
They’re small, golden aircraft replicas made by the Quimbaya civilization.
Some of them date as far back as 1,000 B. C.
Now for anyone paying attention, that’s almost 3,000 years before air travel was invented.
I’ve never heard of the kumbayas.
Anyway, I’m not surprised you’ve never heard of them.
They don’t exist anymore.
But it’s believed that the Quimbaya learned this aerospace technology from an alien race.
Then their civilization completely vanished.
Ufologists are convinced that extraterrestrials completely wiped them from the Earth.
So what are you trying to say?
Look at this amulet.
I think this alien is here to kill everybody.
Are you feeling any better?
Look, we both did what we thought was best for Max. You’re a great mother.
Don’t be nice to me.
I don’t deserve it.
I almost sent our perfectly healthy son away.
[soft dramatic music]
Hey, how about I light this candle that I made?
It has sage and lavender, and it will calm you.
For God’s sake, just… just tell me that I’m wrong.
That is what I need from you right now.
I want a partner who challenges me.
You were wrong about this one.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
I love you. I love you too.
No, you’re right. That feels good.
Yeah, ’cause, you know, at times, you can be a little controlling.
I mean, not a lot, just a little.
You know, maybe a little bossy.
Like, sometimes you get… [chuckles]
Sometimes you get upset if, like, people don’t laugh at your jokes.
Plus, you’re kind of the 12‐items‐or‐less police at the supermarket.
Well, this thing obviously doesn’t work.
Paperwork’s all finished, sir.
Wasn’t yesterday great?
It’s like we’re Batman and Robin.
Of course, you were Batman.
Oh, right, you’re not talking. That’s very rare.
Is something wrong?
Deputy, as your superior, I feel it is my duty to be honest with you about your job performance.
All right. If I’m being honest, I felt your behavior yesterday was a little disrespectful.
The Miranda rights are kind of my thing.
Okay, you know that.
Just seemed odd to me that you’d be so quick to try to jump in and take them for yourself.
And while we’re at it, I don’t really feel like you been all that nice to Cletus either.
I mean, he’s got feelings. He is a human being, all right?
He’s just in a little bitty doggy body.
Here you go, Sheriff, the to‐go hamburger you ordered for Cletus.
I’ll take that.
Is this disrespectful? What are…
What about this?
What the hell are you doing, huh?
What are you doing?
You’re the one that’s disrespectful.
You don’t respect me, and you never have.
Listen, I’ma tell you just like my daddy tell me.
Respect is not an entitlement.
You can’t get it just by standing there asking for it.
You earn it through your actions, Deputy, and quite frankly, I can tell you right now, punching burgers, that shit there ain’t gonna cut it.
Okay, well, how about this for an action?
I quit. Does that cut it?
I’ll eat this tonight because it’s not right to waste food!
♪ And that’s a long, long time ♪
That’s some shit.
I’m centering the telescope on the mountain.
All right, okay.
Here we go.
Start the telescope here.
If you see any green glow, zoom into it.
Do you see anything?
Yeah, I see a mountain and a gray cloud that looks like a bunny.
I mean anything important like the green energy.
Yeah, there’s green energy under the bunny.
Yes. It might be more of a possum.
Shut up about the animal cloud.
Aim the telescope at the green energy and zoom all the way in.
There it is.
There’s my device.
Wait, that’s on the glacier. You can’t go there.
Grab that green bag.
I think you were right to tell them about Jimmy.
I know, but it just doesn’t feel good.
Those drugs were being sold to high school students.
And definitely something I wish was happening when we were in high school. [chuckles]
Harry, Harry, Harry!
Don’t go. It’s too dangerous.
Not for me.
Slow down, kid. Hey, Max, hi.
Hello, Miss Twelvetrees.
Storm coming, better get home.
What are you, a tiny sea captain?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What were you doing with Dr. Vanderspeigle?
Max, please will you tell us?
Where’s Harry going?
He’s headed to the glacier.
Talk to my lawyer!
Does he have a lawyer?
I’m so close to completing my mission.
Once I eradicate humanity, I’ll return to my planet a hero, and they will sculpt statues of me.
Of course, my people don’t know how to sculpt.
That’s okay. I can teach them.
But then I’d have to learn how to sculpt.
That’s a lot of work.
True heroes don’t need statues.
Maybe just a plaque.
[device beeping rapidly]
I see him!
We’ve gone through a battery of tests.
So far, we don’t have any anomalies.
Everyone, all teams, stay eyes on.
Something initiated this.
The ship is tethered.
Holy shit. I know where the alien is!
Harry, don’t move.
You could be on a snow bridge.
I need to get a line on you.
I was just shopping for snow.
I’m okay. You can go.