Palm Royale
Season 1 – Episode 5
Episode title: Maxine Shakes the Tree
Original air date: April 3, 2024
Plot: Maxine tries to unearth information that could upend her marriage. Linda and the Women’s Circle grapple with threats to Palm Beach social order.
* * *
[“Straighten Up and Fly Right” playing]
I’m so excited! I’ve never been in an honest-to-goodness plane before.
[strains] You are one brave gal. I never met another lady with the stomach for it.
[Maxine chuckles]
I love roller coasters.
And I got the prettiest copilot in all of Tennessee.
[chuckles]
[laughs]
All right, hold tight!
[breathes heavily]
[Maxine] Whoo!
[Douglas shouts] Up we go.
[Maxine screaming, laughing]
[Douglas laughing]
The world looks so small from up here.
[Douglas] You scared?
Never. I’m never scared with you.
[laughs, shouts] Here we go.
[Maxine] Whoo.
[Douglas laughs] Whoo!
Hey, you know what? I’m gonna quit my job at Pan Am,
and I’m gonna become a skywriter.
And I’m gonna write in 30-foot letters,
“I love Maxine Horton” for all of Chattanooga to see.
You really love me?
No one’s ever believed in me the way that you do, Max.
I feel like I can do anything when I’m with you.
You’re gonna make me cry.
Nah, that’s just the wind.
No, it’s you, Douglas. It’s you.
Okay, Sugar Pie, I’m gonna go full Red Baron on this baby, okay?
Yeah.
[shouts] Here we go.
[Maxine screaming]
[Douglas laughs]
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. [sighs]
You okay up there?
Yeah. I’m great. [groans]
I just don’t know if I should be upside down.
Yeah? Are you scared now?
Yeah, ’cause-[breathes shakily] ’cause I’m pregnant.
[screams, gasping]
[groans]
That might just be the best thing that maybe I have ever heard.
[exclaims]
[laughs]
Hey, Chattanooga.
[Maxine screams]
Douglas Simmons is having a baby.
[both] Whoo-hoo.
[Douglas] So Perry says, “If you focus on the horizon,
then you will end up in the sand trap every time.”
And I say, “Look, Perry, if I just look down,
then I’m just taking a shot in the dark.
I may as well be Helen Keller out here.”
[Maxine] I’ve read that invitation a thousand times,
hoping it’ll say something else. But it’s always the same.
A wedding, Penelope Rollins and Douglas Dellacorte Simmons.
Isn’t life funny, Max?
[Maxine] How could it be? In what world is this possible?
My new friend Linda and my Douglas?
So I decide not to focus on the horizon or the ground.
I press my chin in, and I put my gaze just past my navel and–
Booyah!
Over the bunker, hole in one! Whoo-hoo!
[Maxine] What else don’t I know?
And more importantly, who else knows what I don’t know?
It is a game of the mind.
All right, well, I’m gonna go get a little one-on-one time with Perry.
See you at dinner. [strains]
Game of the mind.
Up until now, I thought the secret to a great marriage was… [inhales sharply]
…keeping quiet and smiling through adversity until adversity smiles back.
[chuckles] But this is no… [sighs]
…drunken fall down the stairs after an argument.
Oh. This is bad, you know, Norma?
[mumbles]
But if I tell him I know, I-I might lose him. Don’t you think?
[mumbles]
[sighs] What would you do?
[sighs, slurring] Uh…
[mumbling]
You are exactly right. I’m gonna go walk up to him and tell him face-to-neck.
Yes, let’s go. Oh, are you hungry?
[slurring] Yes.
No? Okay, we can wait till dinner.
Come on, Norma!
[sighs]
[Norma mumbles]
[grumbles]
Hey, babe. Brought Norma, huh?
Max, honey, I didn’t know you were coming out.
Uh, but Perry will be here any second.
You were married?
What?
You were married to Linda.
Who is Linda? I don’t know any Linda.
[sighs]
Linda. My friend Linda-Penelope, her name used to be Penelope.
[inhales deeply] Douglas.
Well…
[sighs]
This is who you’ve been palling around with this whole time?
Penelope Rollins? Oh, Christ!
Are you still married to her?
No!
Are you a polygamist?
Am I a sister wife?
Oh, Maxine.
[sighs] Well, I don’t know. A-Are you even a pilot?
Or are you a brush salesman with families in seven different cities?
But ju-just give me a second here, all right?
This is the first time I’m hearing any of this right now as we talk.
That’s how conversations work, Douglas.
It’s not that I… [sighs] …lied about Penelope.
[scoffs]
I just–
I didn’t bring her up.
[sighs, chuckles] Oh, please!
The reason why I didn’t say anything is because I wanted to forget it.
[groans]
[stammers]
Yes, we were engaged many years ago.
[huffs]
But the day we were supposed to be married was the worst day of my life.
Max, look… [sighs]
…there’s something I have to tell you.
Something else?
On our wedding day,
Penelope shot her father.
What?
It was-It was awful. It came out of nowhere.
People running around everywhere. There was blood everywhere.
And I just-I-I personally hated it.
What?
And I-I-I just-I wanted to move on and-and never look back,
and then I met you, my sexy little rose…
[sighs, inhales sharply]
…my beautiful little puffball. And we just were so happy together.
[Maxine] Why? Why would Linda do such a thing?
[Douglas] Exactly. It’s because she is crazy.
Well, I don’t think she’s crazy.
Think about it. She sought you out. She made you her friend.
She didn’t tell you about it. That is crazy. C-R-A-S-E-Y. Crazy.
Did you just spell crazy–
[Perry] Mrs. Doug-lidy-doo.
How do you do, milady?
[Douglas sighs]
Oh, looks like I should have gotten three of these good boys.
No need, Perry. I’m taking my leave.
Huh?
And you and I will discuss this later.
Hmm.
[sighs]
Oh, hi, Norma. Good to see you rolling around.
[laughs]
Whoa! [stammers] Whoa!
What a firecracker.
[exhales sharply]
[Maxine] Now I don’t know what’s up or down or what’s what.
[sighs] We need to go straight to the source.
Hold on to your bones! [sighs]
[mumbles]
Yeah. [blows]
[sighs] Just a little-whew-clearing, you know?
That’s not the Rolodex?
[sighs]
You not in here doing what I think you’re doing?
It shouldn’t be in the world.
[sighs]
Look, we can finally do something. We finally can make a difference.
We finally have some power, and you don’t know if you’re comfortable?
[Maxine] Linda!
[gasps] Oh, shit.
No, you sit and stay.
[Maxine] Have you seen Linda? Is she here?
Linda!
Wait here.
Oh. Hello. I would like to speak to Linda, please.
Or should I say Penelope? Immediately.
[Virginia] Well, I’m fine. Thank you for asking. And she ain’t here.
Well, you tell her I know everything about her and my husband.
Oh. [exhales sharply] Well, I’m sorry, Maxine. That’s a tough one.
You knew? You knew about Linda and my Douglas?
Look, I don’t want to get in the middle of it.
“I don’t want to get in the middle of it.” What is that? From a book or something?
Um, no. It’s a common colloquialism. Look, you need to go.
Do you even know who you’re defending?
What kind of friend she is,
that she lied to me and led me on?
Oh, shit. [breathes heavily]
And I don’t usually open up to people the way I did with her.
And I suppose when she came up to me, that wasn’t spontaneous at all. [chuckles]
She had a plan the whole time. An evil, mastermind plan.
And I fell for it like a kooky, woebegone spud. [breathes shakily]
I’m not Linda.
But what I do know is a lot of things can be true at the same time.
[scoffs]
Look, maybe she wanted to get a look at you first, see what you were like.
Then maybe she really did start to like you.
Well, what’s not to like?
You can tell her I know the other thing too–
her other secret-that she… [shouts] …shot her own father.
[Virginia] I don’t wanna get into that.
[gasps]
All of that is in the past, and I don’t touch it.
Can you at least give her a message for me?
You tell her that I’m angry. And that I’m hurt. But emphasize the angry part.
How could she do this to me? I-I thought we were friends.
And that Maxine Dellacorte is very close to forming an uncharitable opinion of her.
You got all that?
Sure, Maxine.
Thank you.
Poop!
Let’s get out of this stinky bookstore. Come on, Norma.
[Maxine sighs]
How is she?
Well, as you can see, she’s wonderful.
[groans, whimpers]
She’s trying to say something.
[Norma mumbles]
Oh, she’s always moaning and yodeling about something.
[groans]
Are you okay?
[mumbling]
Hmm. Well, she seems to have a lot to say about you.
How do you know it’s about me?
Everything’s gonna be fine.
[groans]
I’m here.
[groans]
I’ve missed you.
[slurring] I’ve missed you too.
[chuckles]
Aw, look at you two staring at each other
like a couple of lovebirds.
[inhales deeply] What is exactly going on between you two anyway?
And tell me, wasn’t it under your care when she embolized?
I do believe the doctor said her embolism started down south.
S-So what?
So you tell me what.
Maxine, what are you trying to say?
All I’m saying is, I know that you like to play the trumpet for her.
And I’m just wondering, when you were playing it,
where you were pointing that thing…
[Robert gasps]
…when you hit the high notes.
Oh, my God.
[slurring] Oh, my God.
Are you trying to say that I was into her?
Come on, Norma.
[slurring] No!
A very good goodbye.
[Norma groaning]
You have imagination. I give you that.
[groaning]
She wants to leave.
[Norma groans]
[Douglas] Well, what do you think? [sighs]
It’s a hot dog.
[Douglas] Well, I know how you like it when I make your favorite things.
And I thought, you know, in light of our… [sighs] …earlier conversation,
I just wanted to treat my girl.
Monkey sauce?
Thank you.
I feel like a real princess.
Hmm.
[inhales deeply]
[sighs]
Anyway, as I was saying about Perry-God, this guy.
He’s really got a mind for business. [chuckles]
And what was it people used to say in high school about him?
Oh, yeah! [chuckles] Yeah. “Perry is an idiot.” “Dumb as a post.” “Mean too.”
If they could just hear him talking about business, the way he maneuvers–
And I’m just here on the sideline.
I’m just like, “Whoa, boy!” Oh, which reminds me, he’s got a point.
We need to make the most of this conservatorship deal for Norma, of course.
We need to get those funds into something and grow them.
You know, Perry’s not wrong about real estate.
I mean, look what he’s done.
The Northshore, Ridge Crest, Crest Estates, The Estates at Corsica Ridge–
Did you love her?
What?
No.
It was a long time ago. I can’t even remember.
[grunts] I mean, I guess there was something…
blonde that I liked about her, but–
Did you love her? Or do you not remember?
What?
First you said you didn’t love her,
and then you said you don’t remember if you did.
It was… [strains] …just more like a… [stammers] …merging of the families.
Plus, I didn’t know myself back then. I was just going with the flow.
And she could be very convincing. She talked a lot.
But the main reason I didn’t love her…
is because she wasn’t you.
But I still don’t understand why she would try to shoot her father.
Oh, come on, Max. I shouldn’t have even told you.
Look, let’s just pretend I never did, okay?
Let’s just pretend I never even said a thing.
I don’t want to pretend anymore, Douglas!
I am asking you to.
Well, you’re asking a lot.
It was 20 years ago, which is a long time ago.
And 20 years plus our love equals–
[grunts] Look, I’m just-I’m straining my brain here, Max.
You kept it from me.
The best thing I ever did was not marry into that family.
And you wanna know why?
Because it led me to you.
So, can you just stop picking at it
and pretend I never mentioned it?
Please, babe.
[phone ringing]
I’m going to answer the phone.
[ringing continues]
[inhales deeply] Dellacorte residence, Maxine Dellacorte speaking.
Hey, it’s Robert.
Jeezy creezy. [sighs]
How’s Norma tonight?
You know, you are like a bad penny, always turning up at the wrong time.
Well, I think that would make you happy considering how much you love money.
Well, I like the more-than-pennies kind.
Has Norma gotten her insulin shot? That’s all I want to know.
Christ. Why are you always hounding me about Norma?
Maybe it’s me you’re obsessed with.
I’m the only person you’re rude to. Why?
Me?
Yes.
Rude?
Yes.
[scoffs] Fuck you.
[Maxine sighs]
[Ann] All the 1949 Shiny Sheets, bound and archived.
[Maxine gasps] Thank you, Ann.
It’s so funny that you asked
for these because I was just going through this stu-Oh, please be careful.
Oh, I’m sorry. [sucks teeth, sighs]
I was just going through this stuff.
You know, researching Norma’s obituary.
Oh.
What is it you’re looking for again?
Uh… [stammers] …oh, I-I’m just doing a family history project of sorts.
Looking for pictures of relatives, chronicling the family line,
this, that, and the other.
You know, I just wanted to follow up on something.
You said you were Miss Junior Ocoee in ’43 and then Miss Chattanooga in ’49, right?
Oh-Oh, and don’t forget, uh, Miss Mineral Bluffs in ’46. [chuckles]
All right. Let me know if you find anything interesting.
I will. Thank you.
[inhales sharply, sighs]
[sighs, sucks teeth, clears throat]
“Wedding of the season ends with a… [whispering] …bang.”
[murmuring]
“Dellacorte mansion was done up to the nines.”
[muttering] “Fletcher Quartet played a ribald version of ‘My Donkey Got Out.'”
Oh… [sighs] …jeezy creezy, get to the point. [murmuring]
“A gunshot rang out.” [gasps]
“And no one could say for sure just where it came from.”
“Especially not Douglas Dellacorte, who fled the scene,
leaving behind his best man, Perry Donahue.
Eugene “Skeet” Rollins was severely injured, possibly paralyzed.
No one was charged and the weapon,
sought out by the Palm Beach Police, was never recovered.
What transpired that day at that storied wedding
is the mystery of the season.
Though theories and assumptions flew around with the vulgarity of a food fight,
the only people that will ever really know what happened
are the people who were in that room.”
I had to seek out Skeet, the victim.
Maxine, whatever are you doing here? Dear Norma’s with you now.
Evelyn. [exhales sharply]
You were there that day too.
What day, dear heart? Do try to make sense.
And you knew about it this whole time, and you didn’t say anything.
Just like everybody else. [breathes shakily]
[sighs]
The wedding.
I don’t understand. Linda was actually trying to kill you?
Yes, darling! I know it’s hard to fathom, someone with my generosity of spirit.
Why? Why?
Well, it’s no secret Linda and I don’t get along,
and most of that rests squarely with her. Always has.
You see, her mother died when she was a little girl,
and she became incredibly close to Skeet.
So close that even as a youngster,
she would terrorize any woman involved with Skeet.
Terrorize?
Yes! Snakes in the closet.
Thumbtacks on the chair. Ipecac in the salad dressing.
Now needless to say…
[sighs]
…her impending marriage to Dougie did something to her.
I don’t think she could bear leaving her father.
And the thought of me having him all to myself, well, it drove her mad.
[Skeet moaning] Yes, ma’am.
[Evelyn] The stress was awful for poor Skeet.
[Evelyn moans]
That day was worse than ever.
Oh, yeah. Go in there deep. That’s it.
[Evelyn] His back was so tense.
I had him pressed against the door…
[moans] Oh, yeah.
…working his knotted back like a champ.
You know just the spot. You got the spot.
You’re on-[moans]
[Evelyn] And then–
[gunshot]
[yelping]
And then what happened?
Let’s just say, thanks to Linda’s poor aim–
granted, she was shooting through a door, so maybe it wasn’t so bad after all, but–
Dougie got to escape their union, I got Skeet to finally marry me,
and Norma does what Norma does.
What does Norma do?
Norma was always a great keeper of secrets,
and eventually she started using those secrets
to help keep all of Palm Beach in balance.
[breathes shakily] You don’t say.
Norma files our little indiscretions, fixes things,
and in return, we show Norma our, um,
uh… appreciation.
Appreciation?
Blackmail. Dear Aunt Norma collected the secrets of everyone
who came through her tearoom, and she put them right here in this Rolodex.
She used it to get them to donate to her Beach Ball. And now we have it.
We have dirt on all of these powerful people, important people.
Spiro Agnew is in here, for Christ’s sake.
[group member 1] You’re full of shit.
No, she’s not.
Go ahead. Pick one. Tell me what it says.
“Stephen Sebring. Pregnant mistress.” [scoffs]
“Gary Picknell.”
Hey, wasn’t he mayor?
[group member 2] “Addicted to cocaine, quaaludes and marijuana.”
Whoa. [scoffs]
Jesus, pick a lane, brother.
[laughing]
But how do we know that any of this stuff is actually true?
Oh, it’s true. Every word.
[Sylvia] How do you know?
I used to be in there.
[Maxine] So, why didn’t Skeet want to marry you?
[Evelyn] Because, well-[sighs]
Although everything about me screams grace, pedigree and gentle upbringing,
I, like you, didn’t come from money.
The fact that we both have hideous pasts is something I recognized
about you right away.
I see.
Suppose that’s why I’m being any help to you at all.
So, this would explain the gun.
Oh, you-you found a gun? Gun?
Yeah. In-In the safety deposit box. It must be the gun!
[breathes shakily] Darling, this is what I mean
about Norma keeping Palm Beach in balance.
Now that gun, if it’s truly in the safety deposit box, it needs to stay there.
Of course. Who would be kooky enough to walk around with a gun in her purse?
Maxine, that gun is insurance
against a lot of things going out of balance around here, understand?
Yep. Understood. I have a golf game that I have to get to.
Um, I think I’m late. Oops. Yes, I am. Crackers, shoot! Thanks, Evelyn. [gasps]
My question is, what are we gonna do with it?
We have all their addresses?
Mm-hmm.
We should send them anthrax.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Or seeds.
[group member 2] Poems.
Okay. Um, those are good ideas.
But we have to be strategic here.
We can’t go too big.
If we go too big and misfire, it’ll all come back down on us.
In my opinion, I think we need a test case.
Perry Donahue.
Linda.
Perry Donahue.
He’s-He’s an ambassador, he’s a real estate mogul,
he lives right here in Palm Beach.
And you remember that, uh, Emerald Isle in Boca Raton?
You know, it was that big, flashy new condo everybody was excited about?
And then it suddenly collapsed.
[group member 3] Oh.
Go ahead, find his card.
[group member 3 gasps]
[sighs]
“Paid off inspectors.”
What a fucking asshole!
[group members gasp]
You’re too close to this.
So what? He’s my scummy ex-fiancé’s scummy best man.
[sighs] He’s a creepy, two-bit developer
who’s Nixon’s pick to be the ambassador to Luxembourg.
He’s a local quasi-celebrity
who’s got ties to the government-we all know that–
but he’s not at the very tippy, tippy top.
He’s your perfect test case.
Well, I guess my friend at the Miami Herald might like to hear
about the business practices of Nixon’s brand-new ambassador to Luxembourg.
[group members chuckling]
What on earth are you talking about?
Yes.
Douglas was engaged to Evelyn’s stepdaughter?
Linda, yes!
When?
Twenty years ago. You swear you didn’t know?
Hadn’t the foggiest. Bu-Honestly, Maxine,
why should I know or care about anything that happened 20 years ago?
I’ve only been married to Perry for three seasons.
[groans] I just feel like everyone knows, and they were just talking behind my back.
I can’t trust anyone. I’ve been made a fool ten times over!
Look at me. I, for one, was in the dark,
I never heard anything about it from anyone.
All right.
And if it’s any consolation,
it sounds to me like you know the person you can’t trust.
Who? Douglas?
[Robert] Can I get you anything?
[gasps]
Stop listening to us!
Would you stop listening to us?
I wasn’t listening to you, please. Oh, my God, relax.
Relax.
But I did notice,
if you’re here and Mr. Dellacorte is here, who’s taking care of Norma?
Norma is fine. She’s taking a nice bath,
fast asleep right next to a plugged-in hair dryer.
[chuckling]
Jeezy creezy.
She’s home, being cared for by a very competent manicurist.
Not that it’s any of your business.
[Robert] Mmm.
They do nails.
What was that look he gave you?
Oof, look at his butt though.
He looks good driving away.
He’s better going than coming! [cackles]
Anyway, Perry’s never said anything to me about a wedding.
We don’t talk about the past.
I, for one, am not interested in anything BD.
What’s BD?
[gasps] “Before Dinah.”
And I suggest you take a page out of my book.
So, I shouldn’t be interested in anything BM?
That’s exactly right.
[Perry] A yearly 25% rate of return.
[Douglas strains] Yeah.
[Perry] Think about that. Huh?
Practically free money.
Uh, with Norma’s estate at your disposal,
it’d be criminal, in my opinion…
[Douglas strains]
…not to take advantage of it.
[strains]
So… what you thinking?
I gotta admit, it does sound pretty good.
Well, it’s not every day a fella gets the opportunity to be first money in.
[Douglas] Oh! Nice.
[Perry straining]
I like it.
Yeah?
I’m in.
All right! Well, we’re gonna have fun!
Ah, darn tootin’ we are! [chuckles]
[Perry chuckles]
There’s one thing though.
Fine.
Uh… [sighs]
…in order to… [sighs] …cement the deal, I’m gonna need one more element.
Need to get the imprimatur of somebody super classy–
Classy!
[stammers] Well, the-the, uh, development is in West Palm Beach.
Ew.
Hence why we need the fancy person.
Mmm.
I mean, we won’t get any buyers
without a marquee tenant.
Mm-hmm.
[Perry] So, what do you say
to a little trip to Washington, D.C., huh?
In the old private jet?
[chuckling] Oh, I “like-y” the sound of that.
[chuckling]
Hello, ladies! Working on your strokes?
[Dinah] Ooh.
[Douglas] Hey, babe.
[strains]
[Perry] Thank you. [groans, sighs]
[Robert] Enjoy your drink, fellas.
[Douglas] Thank you.
[Dinah] You need to stop picking at the emotional scab.
You’re right. That’s what I do.
Pick.
I pick.
Pick.
I’m a picker.
You’re a picker.
Pick, pick, pick, pick, and there’s never anything there. I can tell you that much.
Mm-mmm. [inhales deeply]
Hey, Robert! How about you make me a grasshopper?
The cream went bad with the sun.
Ugh.
Oh.
Can you just make me something fruity then?
Robert, will you be a peach?
[sighs] You know I bought a little pied-à-terre for Eddie?
What? You did?
I did. [sighs] And it’s been poetry.
[sighs]
[groans] I love poems. Any old stanza.
Then I suggest you do the same.
All the guys that work here, pfft, they’re the same. Rent to own.
No. No, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[stammers] To each their own. I just think relationships should be about love,
and they shouldn’t be a transaction.
They’re about power.
You need to get yourself a lover where you have the upper hand
and stop driving yourself crazy.
Get out of your head with all these what-ifs,
and whodunits, and how-now-brown-cows.
[inhales deeply, sighs]
Well, it’s been a peach of an afternoon.
[groans]
You boys have fun.
Don’t crash into the capital.
Aye-aye, Captain.
Mmm.
[grunts]
Oh!
Bye-bye, pussycat.
[Douglas] Bye-bye, Mrs. Dougly-diddy-do.
Wha-No, no, no, no.
[chuckles]
You’re still in the doghouse.
We need a little good luck for our trip.
Go kiss him on the lips.
Ah!
Let’s go, Perry. I gotta take a leak.
Maxine.
Why don’t you get a ride back to the club with the boys?
I’m headed to Eddie’s to ride the Cuban missile,
and I need to pit stop at my bidet.
Oh, but I’m still mad at him.
Mmm.
I don’t wanna ride with him.
Be a pal. Please.
[sighs] Dinah!
[Douglas, Perry chanting]
Have fun. Hope it’s not a crisis.
[Dinah laughs]
Wait! Wait! Wait! Perry! Guys!
[Douglas, Perry continue chanting]
Guys, wait!
Douglas! [panting] Hey, don’t marry anyone while you’re gone!
I guess I’ll just find my way back using the stars.
[breathing heavily]
[animal growling]
[whimpers]
[groaning]
Hello, Doug.
Surprise.
[Douglas chuckles, groaning]
[sighs]
How have you been, Penelope?
It’s Linda now, actually.
Mmm. Suits you now.
Well, this is a fine place to meet.
Can’t believe you’re back here.
Well, it’s been a long time.
[sighs] Twenty years is a long time. Things change.
Well, it’s a free country, and you can stay however long you want.
But if memory serves, you made a deal, and it still stands, right?
Wow. Look at that face.
Hope you treat her better than you treated me.
All right. Whoa.
No, you lied all the time. How could you do that?
Penelope-Linda, this is not the place.
No?
I feel like the toilet’s totally appropriate
to talk about our relationship.
I was a different person then.
And I think we both know we weren’t meant to be.
[stammers] I hope you could move on. I have.
Sorry I have to remind you who you are.
Who I w-was.
Was, are, right? Semantics. If you haven’t changed.
[chuckles] See? That’s exactly the same bummer observations…
Oh, please.
…that made you impossible to deal with.
Me, impossible?
What were you?
When you think back-or have you ever thought back–
[stammers] what do you remember?
I guess, me being impossible, you were a peach.
[inhales sharply]
It’s fine. We’ve got this.
We’ve been doing it for lifetimes, generations, right?
We say sorry for your behavior.
So, Douglas, I’m really sorry that I made you screw another woman,
and I’m really sorry that somehow I made you get her pregnant.
And mostly, I’m so sorry that I’m here right now
reminding you what a motherfucker you are.
Sorry.
What? [chuckling]
Why do you always have to put things in terms like that?
Men, women. You think it’s easy being a man?
You think it’s easy having to uphold everything?
What have you upheld?
I’ve been married for 20 years.
[sighs] Whatever. I didn’t wanna do this.
[groans, chuckles]
I didn’t wanna dredge up the past, and I didn’t want to argue.
I just wanted to ask for one thing,
which is shut your mouth about our wedding day.
[Perry groaning]
[sighs]
Oh, my God. Another winner.
[exhales sharply] Penelope Rollins?
[Linda] Yep.
Well you’ve changed.
You haven’t.
[Douglas chuckles]
[Perry groaning, exhales]
[sniffs]
[exhales]
Oh. Maxine, your manicurist told me you’d be here.
Yes, I’ve been looking for you. Yes.
[sighs] Mitzi? Ohhh.
She’s my manicurist. She does my nails.
Yes.
I love Mitzi.
I just wanna confirm.
You know, I checked the dates you mentioned and I’m confused
because Miss Junior Ocoee ’43 is one Eleanor Zanzy.
And Miss Chattanooga ’49.
Oh. Chattanooga.
Yes. Well, her name is Elise Cunningham.
Okay, Ann. You know what? You ask a lot of questions.
How about for this one, we just pretend it never happened?
[clears throat, strains]
How about that? [screams]
[Robert] Ey.
[stammers]
[gasps] He’s my knight in shining armor. [chuckles]
Can I see you home?
Ohhh, you just can’t stay away from me, can you, bad penny?
You can call me whatever you want. But I’m not gonna let you drive like this.
Give me the keys.
If y’all just allow me one more question.
No, you’re gonna have to find some other time to talk.
Please, not now. Sorry. Thank you.
Give me the keys.
[Maxine] Forceful.
Okay, I got my lipstick, my check book…
That’s your wallet.
…a gun–
What are you doing with a gun?
Oh, here are my keys. Oh–
Why do you have a gun here?
Why do you have a gun? Let’s get out of here.
[Robert] Is everything okay back there?
[Maxine chuckles] Yeah.
[chuckles]
Is everything okay up there?
Everything is fantastic up here.
Of course.
Is it really okay?
Yes, Maxine. Everything is great.
Is that why you’re taking me home? ‘Cause everything’s great?
I’m taking you home ’cause you’re drunk and there is a manicurist at home,
and I have no idea if she knows how to work a syringe.
You know just what to say to a woman.
Sure.
[Robert chuckling]
[Maxine] Gosh, Robert,
you are really good at walking.
[Robert chuckles]
[breathing heavily] Finally.
Oh, finally we can acknowledge what’s been positively simmering
between us this entire time.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Oh, sure, you don’t.
Oh, no, I don’t.
That which simmers must come to a boil.
Oh, God. Come on, Maxine. I–
Oh, Robert… [breathes heavily]
…take me. Take me right now.
Wait, Maxine. Wait. Maxine.
Take me right here. Take me right here on this ethnic rug. [breathes heavily]
[stammers] What? [chuckles] Maxine–
Robert?
Maxine.
Go get your trumpet. I want you to play “Edelweiss” in me real slow.
I wanna feel every single note.
Please, Maxine.
Or maybe you can play a quick ditty, like…
[grunts, groans]
…”Flight of the Bumblebee.”
No.
[Mitzi groans] Nice of you to show up. I’ve been here for 14 hours,
and I’m pretty sure I did some things wrong. [pants]
I’m gonna go check on Norma.
Great. [breathes heavily]
Well, if this isn’t the perfect ending to a raccoon penis of a day.
[breathes shakily] Maxine.
What?
I can’t work here.
[sighs] Oh, please. Please don’t be horribly mad at me.
[stammers] I know I lost track of time. I’m not a time expert!
Oh, no. No, it’s not that.
Perry just got me a job at the club. [sighs]
The tips are better and–
Perry?
As in Perry Donahue?
[stammers] He’s a nice man.
Mitzi, Perry Donahue is not a nice man. [chuckles]
I have to go. Good night, Maxine.
Mitzi? You be careful with him.
Oh, no.
[breathes heavily]
[Robert] Comfy here?
[Norma slurring] Mm-hmm. [chuckles]
[Robert] You’re the best.
Stay warm.
Something real.
If you don’t mind, I’m-I’m gonna stay here tonight.
I just wanna make sure she’s okay.
It’s your favorite cream. Here you go.
[Norma murmurs]
[Robert exhales deeply] You’re beautiful.
[knocking]
[pounding]
Oh. [grunts]
[breathing shakily]
[knocking continues]
Hey.
I don’t wanna talk to you.
[knocking]
[Linda] Please.
I’m-[sighing] I’m here to tell you what really happened.
I just wanna tell you the truth, Maxine.
That day was the worst day of my life.
So, you-you did shoot your father?
I did.
[sighs]
And he’s never been the same. He never will be.
All his health problems, all his pain is-is because of me.
But you were actually trying to shoot Evelyn?
No. [chuckles]
That’s what she told me.
No. Oh, my God. I wasn’t trying to shoot Evelyn.
I was trying to shoot Douglas.
What?
Just for months, Maxine, I felt like he was lying to me…
and with somebody else.
Every day I kept thinking about it over and over again,
until finally I said something.
[sighs] “Honey, you’re so crazy.
You’re crazy. You’re crazy. You’re crazy. You’re crazy.”
Until you become crazy.
I started feeling like I was seeing his lovers everywhere and–
and I was convinced he was with one of my bridesmaids.
Oh.
And I got so obsessed.
[stammers] I couldn’t even recognize the sound of my own pop’s voice.
You wanna be scared? [panting]
[Skeet moaning]
Want me to scare you, you fucking pussy?
Fucker, fuck, fuck. You fucking fuck.
[Skeet] Ah. [moans]
[gunshot]
Oh, my God. Skeet! Skeet!
What have you done? What have you done?
[sobs]
And then what happened?
Norma just swept in… [sighs] …and took care of everything.
[siren wailing]
Norma, if he doesn’t make it, what will become of me?
Even now, all you think about is yourself.
[stammers] You just attempted patricide. You are in no position to judge.
Don’t worry, dear. You hold all the cards now.
I do?
So, here’s how it’s going to go.
Skeet is going to stop playing with Evelyn’s emotions
and marry her at long last.
[gasps]
And Penelope, you’re going to let that happen.
Because, Penelope, if you don’t, you will go to prison.
As for me, I’m going to hang on to this family heirloom as insurance.
Why are you doing this?
You may not know it now, but all of this is for your own good.
It doesn’t feel like it.
[chuckles] Have you lost all rights to your feelings?
[clears throat, inhales sharply] What about me?
What about you?
Well, uh, in exchange for a one-way ticket to Chattanooga and $100,000 check,
I will keep my mouth shut.
So you can marry that gutter slut?
[inhales deeply, sighs]
Gutter slut.
Chattanooga? That’s where I’m f–
[breathes heavily]
I’m the gutter slut?
[sobs] Yes, Maxine. [sniffs] Maxine, you’re the gutter slut.
Oh, Linda. I didn’t know. I swear, I swear. I didn’t know.
It’s okay. He loved you and he still loves you.
And you know what? You were my perfect present, Maxine.
Oh. [chuckles]
Yes. I was gonna be in a loveless marriage,
playing pretty for some guy who didn’t wanna be there.
You saved me, Maxine.
[phone ringing]
That’s Douglas.
Go talk to him, Maxine.
[sniffs]
Enough.
[sniffs, breathing heavily]
We did it, Max.
Ah, we’re gonna ink the deal that’s gonna change our lives.
We got a really big fish on the line, honey.
Oh, gee. Douglas, I’m so proud. [chuckles]
It’s gonna be all champagne from here on out.
[Perry groaning]
Hey.
I love you so much.
I know.
[footsteps running]
I’ll see you when you get home. [gasps]
Linda?
[breathing heavily] Norma, this is over.
[exclaiming]
[gasps] You’ve had it the whole time.
And no one’s ever gonna have it again.
[grumbling, exclaiming]
[babbles, crying]
Norma, are you upset?
[slurring] Uh-huh.
[Maxine] Linda’s version of crazy made a lot of sense.
And who knows what I myself might have done in her situation?
And after all, hadn’t I had, uh, an itty-bitty dose of crazy that very day?
I wanted the pain to stop.
I wanted everyone to be free.
[grunts]
