Air date: February 27, 2021
And finally, new rule: liberals need a “stand your ground” law. For cancel culture. So that when the woke mob comes after you for some ridiculous offense you’ll stand your ground. Stop apologizing – because I can’t keep up anymore with who’s on the shit list.
[Laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Lately, republicans have been trying to appropriate the term “cancel culture” to describe what happens to them when they get a just comeuppance for actual crimes – and this muddying the water is unfortunate because cancel culture is real, it’s insane, and it’s growing exponentially. And it’s coming to a neighborhood near you. If you think it’s just for celebrities, no – in an era where everyone is online, everyone is a “public figure.” It’s like we’re all trapped in “The Hills Have Eyes. And WiFi.” Take Mr. Emmanuel Cafferty. He is – was – a San Diego gas & electric worker, but he got fired because someone reported him making a “white supremacist hand gesture” outside the window of his truck. But he’s not a white supremacist; he’s Latino. And he wasn’t making a hand gesture, he was probably just flicking a booger.
Is this really who we want to become – a society of phony, clenched-assholed avatars, walking on eggshells, always looking over your shoulder about getting ratted out for something that actually has nothing to do with your character or morals? Think about everything you’ve ever texted, e mailed, searched for, tweeted, blogged, or said in passing – or now, even, just witnessed! Someone had a confederate flag in their dorm room in 1990 and you didn’t doooo something? You laughed at a Woody Allen movie?
[Laughter]
Andy Warhol was wrong – in the future, everyone will experience not 15 minutes of fame, but 15 minutes of shame. 62% of Americans say they have opinions they’re afraid to share. 80% of Americans – young, old, rich, poor, conservative, liberal, white, minority – all hate the current atmosphere of hypersensitivity. Yeah, everybody hates it, and no one stands up to it. Because it’s always the safe thing is to swallow what you really think and just join the mob. So if someone asks you if Justin Timberlake owes Britney Spears an apology for not being a perfect boyfriend when they were teenagers. Just say yes. As Justin did, issuing an abject apology and then vowing to return sexy back to where he found it.
[Laughter]
Now, you may be asking, “why are we even talking about this now?” Well, The New York Times did a documentary about Britney Spears – really – wait till you see the searing exposé they have coming up on pebbles. [Laughter] Anyway, in it we find out that teenage Justin hadn’t become a perfect person yet and when asked if he had sex with the girl whose big hit was called “I’m a slave for you” – said yes. What a cad, although I truly believe that any guy willing to wear matching outfits can’t be all bad.
[Laughter] [applause]
Now, as for a song called “I’m a Slave for You”, nothing?
The Mandalorian‘s Gina Carano is a person I’d never heard of, and resent that I have now. She’s some conservative wrestling chick who kicks ass in a show I wouldn’t watch if I was in prison. And she made some Nazi analogy – who doesn’t these days? “You’re like the Nazis” is the new “I don’t like you,” and it’s always okay when Trump is the Nazi. That disqualifies her from marching around planet who-gives-a shit in a helmet? By the way, “you can’t work in Hollywood if you don’t believe what we believe”, in the 1950s, that’s exactly what the left complained they were being told.
The week before, it was Chris Harrison’s turn in the barrel – he’s the host of The Bachelor and is “stepping away” to educate himself “on a more profound and productive level than ever before.” Oh good, because all my life I’ve looked up to the host of the “fuck a stranger” show, and [laughter] [applause] if I thought I couldn’t count on The Bachelor for moral guidance, I don’t know if I could go on. And of course he’s not “stepping away” because he’s the host of a televised snake pit where 32 female contestants are trapped in the sorority house from hell [laughter] – it’s because he wouldn’t throw one of the contestants under the bus when it came to light that in college she attended a dress up-like-we’re-in the-old-south party – which is not a type of party we should be throwing in that it winks at a civilization built on slavery. But apparently in 2018, millions of people were still doing it – mature people understand humans are continually evolving, as opposed to wokeville where they’re always shocked we didn’t emerge enlightened from the primordial ooze.
[Laughter]
What’s Chris Harrison supposed to do, build a time machine, go back to 2018 and knock the mint juleps out of their hands? Maybe while he’s time travelling, he can have a word with that asshole Abraham Lincoln, who’s now cancelled in San Francisco and Illinois – yes, the land of Lincoln might cancel Lincoln. Memo to social justice warriors: when what you’re doing sounds like an onion headline, stop.
