Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Season 1 Episode 5
Episode Title: Do You Want Kids?
Original release date: February 2, 2024 (Amazon Prime Video)
Plot summary: John and Jane spend summer in Lake Como. Driving cars, dodging criminals and chasing slippery Toby, whose crimes endanger them. Caring for this “baby man” makes them ponder parenthood.
* * *
[John] Did you, um, apply for high-risk?
I did. Did you?
[John] Yeah.
[John #2] Maybe one day, I’ll trade it all in, and-and go low-risk, then deliver some packages.
[both laughing]
For the benefits, do you think you could go low-risk?
No.
Maybe.
[grunting]
[Jane #2] Super high-risk is hardly any different, except the money and the perks are way better.
[cash register ding]
The Company is here to take care of you.
All you have to do is ask.
[newsman speaking Italian on TV]
[Toby grunting]
[ice rattling]
[clears throat]
[sighs]
[TV continues playing]
[Toby sniffles]
[panting]
[panting loudly, sniffing]
[grunts]
[Toby shouting in Italian]
[John] That’s a gun pressed against your head.
You move, I blow your head off.
[dings]
[Jane] “Hihi.”
[Toby] The fuck? You’re American?
[Jane] “Travel to Lake Como, Italy. Secure high-value target, Toby Hellinger.”
[Jane] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Stop moving!
[Toby] Wait, wait, wait.
[Jane] Calm down, all right?
[Toby] Who are you guys?
We’re not gonna hurt you.
Fuck is going on here?
[John] Shut up. You got it on?
[Jane] Yeah.
[Toby] Are you gonna kill me?
[Jane] No. Just stay still, stay calm.
We’re not gonna hurt you, okay?
[Toby] Who are you guys?
[sighs]
What are you doing here?
It’s so fucking hot in here.
We’re not gonna hurt you.
You came here to kill me, didn’t you?
[shushes]
Just quiet. We’re not gonna hurt you.
Oh, man. Oh, man.
All right, Toby, we’re getting up.
[grunting]
Where we going, guys?
Up.
Where we going?
We’ll move and talk.
What are we doing?
[Jane] You’re coming with us, okay?
[Toby] What are we doing?
Where are you taking me?
[Jane] “Transport to designated safe house. Await further instructions. Thanks.”
[Toby] If you’re gonna kill me, then fucking do it right here!
I’m already dead. I’m pretty much dead.
Oh, my God, stop working yourself up.
Where are we fucking going?
Get in the fucking car.
Just listen to her.
[Jane] Hey, watch your head.
[Toby] This is bad. Ow! Oh.
Hey. Hey, hey.
Listen.
I’m so fucked.
Listen to me. We are not here to hurt you.
We are here to help you.
Okay? I promise.
[Toby] Okay.
[mutters]
I’m gonna put the seat belt on later.
[engine revs]
[♪ Mina: “Il Cielo In Una Stanza”]
[woman singing in Italian]
[engine revving]
[John] It’s really beautiful.
We should get a place here.
You always say that.
I don’t say it about everywhere.
Yes, you do.
[Toby] Where we going?
[John] I didn’t say it in that Somali prison.
You said it when we were in Sydney.
Yeah, I said it in Sydney, yeah.
[Toby] Nobody’s gonna answer me?
[Jane] Monaco and Upstate.
I did say it in Mon…
All beautiful places.
I just… don’t think we need to buy property everywhere we think is beautiful.
But this place is different. This place feels…
This feels like the one.
Okay. [laughs]
[Toby] Hello?
Can someone please tell me where we’re going?
We’re going someplace safe, Toby.
How about you try resting your eyes, Toby?
[Toby] Why?
[Toby] I can’t see shit in here anyway.
Look, you guys, you guys are supposed to be here to help me, right?
I mean, why do I have to wear this hood? Huh?
Can someone please take this hood off, please?
Goddamn it. Take off the motherfucking hood!
You know what? Fuck.
[Jane] Hey. Hey, hey.
Toby? Toby? Don’t.
Stop it. Stop.
[Toby] Fuck you!
Fuck this shit!
Child locks are on.
[Toby yells]
Ah!
[Toby] Oh, my… Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I recently… I recently h-had a heart attack.
Nope, don’t buy it.
Think I might be…
[Toby groaning] I think I’m having another one.
[grunting]
We need to keep him alive.
[Toby groaning]
All right, all right.
[Toby groans]
Okay.
[groans, pants]
You’re fine, Toby.
[Jane groans softly]
[Toby groans]
[gasps, sighs]
[exhales]
Wow.
Looks like your breathing’s fine now.
♪ ♪
This where we’re staying?
Yeah.
[Toby] How long are we here for?
[John] Stop asking questions.
Can you undo my hands?
‘Cause I really got to pee.
Toby, what…
[Jane] Toby, stay low.
[gunfire]
[Jane] Get us out of here.
[engine revving]
[gunfire continues]
[groans]
[engine revving]
[Jane] Toby, who were those guys?
Why are they after you?
Hard to say.
[tires squealing]
[John] On our six.
[engine revving]
[thuds]
You good?
Yeah, yeah.
[John] I’m gonna try and shake ’em.
[Jane] Toby, get down!
[tires squealing]
[engine revving]
[thuds]
They are really after you, huh?
[John] Babe, you think you can make some space for us?
On it.
[gunfire]
Fuck.
[gunfire]
[engine revving]
You got him.
[bullets ricocheting]
[John] We got to get off this mountain.
[gunfire]
[Jane] Toby, keep your head down.
[gunfire continues]
[tires squealing]
[John] You got this.
Be careful.
Fuck. Fuck.
Nice one, babe.
Thanks, babe.
Hold on.
[tires squealing]
Nice job, babe.
[Jane] Turn here.
[church bell tolling]
[crowd chatter]
[Jane] Go!
I… [sighs] think there’s a wedding.
[horn honks]
Yeah, well, then, speed up and they’ll get out of the way.
[speaking Italian]
I need to get… How do you say “move” in It…
[gunshots]
[screaming, shouting]
That works too.
[Jane groans]
Okay.
[engine revving]
[John] Oh…
[Jane] Shit.
Go.
Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop!
[gunfire, bullets ricocheting]
[Jane groans]
[crowd shouting]
[Jane grunts]
Get Toby!
We need you alive, Toby.
[gunfire continues]
Out. Now.
[groans]
[gunfire continues]
[groans] Killing my fucking knees.
You’re doing great, Toby.
Come on, we need to move a little faster, man.
[Jane] We’re gonna be exposed on that bridge.
[John] I have a plan.
[gunfire continues]
[John groans]
What was the plan?
[Jane] Run!
[John] Fuck.
In there.
[quietly] Come on. Come on.
[Toby] I have to take a leak.
[John] Not right now you don’t.
[Toby groans]
[groans]
[Jane] You okay?
[Jane] John? You had a plan?
We got to get to water. Now.
Okay, all right.
Come on, get up. Come on.
What? What?
[Jane groans]
[Toby] Wait. Wait! I can’t catch my breath.
Hey, hey.
[breathing loudly]
Okay. Stand up here.
Okay. Try and open your airways. Okay.
Stand up straight.
[Toby groans]
Open your airways.
Okay, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth.
[Toby inhaling and exhaling]
Cyclical, okay?
[Toby continues exhaling and inhaling]
See, there you go. Try and calm down.
We need to go.
You good?
[Toby breathes loudly]
Okay, now run.
[Toby] Okay.
[grunting]
[gunfire]
[groaning]
[gunfire continues]
[blows landing, grunting]
[yelps]
[Jane] You’re doing great, buddy. We’re almost there.
[officer] Hey, hey, stop.
[speaking Italian]
No, no, no, no, no. Same.
CIA. CIA. Same people.
[officer speaking Italian]
No problema, okay? Okay.
[motorcycle engine revs, tires squeal]
Go!
Go, go! Move!
[Toby] I can’t do anymore stairs, man. No way.
[Jane] Yes, you can. Come on. I’ll help you.
It’s okay.
[indistinct chatter]
No, no. No. [speaks Italian]
[woman shouts]
[indistinct, overlapping chatter]
I’ll check upstairs.
Oh, shit.
[woman screams]
Scusi.
[woman speaking Italian]
We’re gonna have to jump.
Okay.
[siren approaching]
[John grunts]
I can’t make that jump.
You can do it.
[John] Yeah, you can do it.
It’s easy. Just watch me.
Very slow. All right?
You got this.
[John] You can do it, Toby.
Just get over. Hurry up.
[Jane] One leg over slowly.
We don’t have a lot of time.
[Jane] There you go.
He-he knows we’re in a hurry, right?
It’s okay, John. Okay.
Boy, if you don’t put your foot…
[Jane] Yup.
On the ground right now…
Hurry up!
It’s right there, right under you.
[grunts]
There you go.
Yes.
Okay, one more.
Just, uh, it’s easy. Just-just tuck and roll.
One more.
You can do it.
Fuck it. I’m not doing this.
[yelling]
John!
There.
Are you okay?
Get off!
See? You jumped.
[sighs]
[groans softly]
Come on, let’s go.
Shit.
Jesus, Toby.
What do you expect?
You just pushed me off a fucking building.
[Jane] Hi.
Told you I had to go.
[Jane] Can you please help us?
Aiutarci?
Mi… mi padre. Aiutarci? It’s…
No, no, no. [speaks Italian] No.
[Jane] Uh, I-I’m scared for my baby.
No.
My…
[speaking Italian]
P… Please.
[speaking Italian]
Can you take us across the lake?
[John speaking Italian]
[speaking Italian]
[Jane] Please.
[siren approaching]
Grazie. Grazie.
Grazie.
[Jane] Come on, Papa.
Papa.
[Toby groans softly]
Be careful, okay?
♪ ♪
[birds squawking]
♪ ♪
[grunts]
Thanks.
Hey.
[speaking Italian]
[Jane] Oh. Grazie. Grazie mille.
[man speaking Italian]
[John] Ah, grazie.
[Jane] Grazie a tutti.
[quietly] Okay…
[Jane] What is this place?
[John] Huh. [sniffles]
[Jane] Whose house is this?
[Toby] Well, if it’s a safe house,
I hope it’s safer than the last one.
[buttons clicking]
[Jane] How do you know the code?
I feel sick.
You, you okay? You…
Yeah.
Sick how?
I don’t know. I think seasick from the boat or something.
Uh, you didn’t answer me.
How do you… how do you know the code?
John?
[keys jingling]
[John] I know the code because… this is our house.
[keys clatter on table]
[Jane laughs]
What do you mean, ours?
You mean you bought it?
I bought it.
You… [scoffs]
Yeah, I got us a house. [laughs]
This is ours.
Cool, huh?
Are you joking?
[laughs]
No, I am not joking.
Yeah, I-I… I mean, it’s-it’s a good thing I got it, too, ’cause now we have a… safe place to stay, and no one knows we’re here.
We got it for a steal. The guy left everything.
It actually looks better…
Hmm.
Than the, the pictures.
Looks better in person.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Over here?
Yeah.
So, you, uh, you… you purchased this property sight unseen?
I… I-I went to the market, and there was this cute little real estate place, and I-I saw the pictures and I-I just pulled the trigger.
John, you were supposed to get grapes and coffee, not a fucking house.
[laughs]
Just, I-I thought it was… I th-thought it was, like, a romantic gesture.
It’s… it’s nice. You don’t like the place?
No, I… I like the place.
It’s just, y-you bought a house without talking about it to me first.
That’s a big decision…
It was a surprise.
I wasn’t gonna tell…
Listen, you know, it’s none of my business, but, um, I mean, you really got to be careful when you’re buying property in a foreign country.
As somebody who has a lot of money, you still got to be careful how you spend it.
That’s what I say all the time.
Thanks, Toby.
That’s where we’re getting our financial advice from?
This… this guy?
[Jane] John, I’m, I’m not wanting to fight with you about it, I just…
[John] I-I-I understand.
[Jane] I-I want you to see that it’s kind of a big deal that you would make…
It’s not a big…
[John and Jane] Don’t touch that!
[John] It’s dynamite, dummy.
Okay.
Uh, let’s-let’s…
Did he just drop a piece of dynamite?
Get you changed.
I’m, um… I’m not mad. I-I think it’s beautiful.
It’s… it’s nice.
Uh, keep watch.
No one knows we’re here.
[Jane] Come on.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
[phone chimes]
♪ ♪
[phone chimes]
Okay.
How about this?
This feels like it could fit.
Okay, let me see it.
Nah, it seems itchy.
[tongue clicks]
[sighs] Okay.
[sighs]
How about a T-shirt?
Good.
You know… when you held that gun up to me back at the farm?
Man, I thought you were an angel… coming to put me out of my misery.
[Jane] Actually, Toby, you should stay away from the window.
[Toby] Your partner doesn’t like me.
You don’t need him to like you.
You just need him to protect you.
Stay away from the windows, okay?
It’s not safe.
Yeah, well, you’re nicer than he is.
He’s… actually very nice.
I mean, he’s even, like, nice to telemarketers.
Uh… you’re just not his cup of tea.
You know, I’ve done some really fucked-up, nasty shit in my life, but I’ve never thrown an old man off a building.
What kind of shit have you done?
[Toby mutters]
Nah, you-you wouldn’t like me anymore if I told you.
Well, who says I like you?
Oh, you like me a little bit.
You like me.
Or maybe I’m just good at my job.
What?
Goddamn.
What’s wrong?
[exhales] My stomach’s killing me.
Okay, just stay here. I’m gonna get you some medicine.
Come on.
Uh-uh.
Toby, come on.
Take your medicine.
Mm-mm!
Toby, please.
This is good for you.
[sniffs] Smells good.
No!
[John] This is ridiculous.
Toby, take the medicine, and I’ll give you a cigarette.
Great.
Ugh.
Hey. Hey!
I’ll give it to you after dinner.
What?!
After we eat.
John.
Motherfucker.
[♪ Complesso Gisteri: “Blossoming Branches”]
[woman singing in Italian]
[Toby] Do you think they know where we are?
[John] No.
If they did, they’d be here by now.
Who’s “they”?
[Toby] It’s hard to say.
Could be the Russians.
Could be the Saudis maybe.
Small chance, the Brits.
Are you some kind of evil colonizer?
We had a long day. Uh, can we just eat our food?
Eh. Let’s say, on a scale of Mark Zuckerberg to Hitler…
Oh, my God.
How evil are you?
I mean, I’m not, I’m not Hitler evil.
[Jane] Okay.
Yeah.
Who happens to still be alive, by the way.
No, he’s not.
[John] No.
All right, true story.
I’m down in Argentina… at a bar with some friends of mine…
What are we doing right now?
Let him finish.
[Toby] And I see across the room this guy.
I just can’t take my eyes off him.
You know, he’s got the little…
Charlie Chaplin beard with the hair.
And I say to my friends, “I got to check this out, man.”
This is, like, whoa.
So I walk up to the guy and I say, “Excuse me, I apologize. I know I’ve been staring at you, but I got to ask you.”
He’s… [German accent] “No, you don’t have to ask me. I’m telling you, you’re right. I am who you think I am. And this is my wife Eva, and we are down here. We’re reorganizing. We’re gonna be bigger than ever. This time we’re going to kill 12 million Jews! And six acrobats!”
And I say, “Why six acrobats?”
He says, “You see, Eva? I told you nobody cares about the Jews.”
[laughs]
This tastes like freezer.
Don’t be rude, Toby.
Six acrobats.
Even you don’t care about the Jews.
[Jane laughing]
[Toby] See anybody?
Still no one, Toby.
[♪ Trio Lescano & Quartetto Funaro: “Tornerai”]
[women singing in Italian]
“Cat’s enemy.”
Six letters.
Um…
Canine.
[Toby] Oh, yeah.
All right.
Done.
Finished.
[sighs]
Jesus Christ.
Look, I mean, I know this is some sort of twisted honeymoon for you people, but, uh, I’m bored out of my fucking brain here.
Hey, you!
Give me my cigarettes you promised me.
They’re not good for you.
You said!
You can’t smoke in the house.
I’ll go outside.
You know you can’t go outside.
I’ll open a fucking window.
You know you can’t go near the windows.
Give me my goddamn cigarettes, man!
We don’t have any.
What?
We told you we had some so you’d take the medicine and stop whining,
and it worked.
Hey.
Hey.
Sit down.
[Jane] Calm down. Sto…
Sit down.
[Jane] Hey, John, stop it!
Shoot me.
John, stop!
Shoot me, motherfucker!
Stop.
Are you fucking serious? Stop.
[crying]
I’m going to bed.
This place sucks.
What?
What?
You know, you’re a lot nicer than this.
It’s something that I happen to look up to.
[sniffles]
[scoffs]
[John] I’ll go check on him.
[phone chimes]
[phone chimes]
♪ ♪
[whispering] Is he out?
[whispering] Yeah.
[sighs heavily, mutters]
[Jane] Mmm.
[sighs]
[sighs heavily]
This old nigga has been exhausting.
[laughs]
But we got one good thing out of him.
[Jane gasps]
John, what?
I don’t know. I don’t know why I did that.
[laughs]
John.
I want to smoke it.
[laughs]
And give it to me. [laughs]
Yeah, it’s… That’s all you.
[Jane laughs]
You think we ruined that couple’s wedding?
[Jane sighs]
I think we may have ruined their lives.
[laughing]
Okay?
[Jane chuckles]
[Jane] Hmm.
You think you’ll ever do that?
What?
Have a wedding.
I don’t know.
Vows make me uncomfortable.
[John clicks tongue, inhales through teeth]
You know, I thought about that, too, and I think it’s because they’re in public.
Yeah.
There’s an audience.
Yeah, it’s like a show.
Doesn’t… I… I think I would like vows if it were private, if it were just two people.
You know, ’cause it would feel real.
Yeah.
What would our vows be?
[laughs]
I could vow to not judge you for how often you talk to your mother.
[both laugh]
And… I want you to vow… that you would take allergy medicine for Max.
Even when Max dies?
Max is never gonna die.
Oh.
Okay?
I vow… never to make you feel delusional for thinking your cat’s never gonna die.
And I vow never to kill you.
I can’t tell if you’re joking.
I like that.
Come here.
♪ ♪
[glass clinks on table]
[Jane moaning]
[John sighs]
[Jane moans softly]
[Jane moans]
I want to make you come… so bad.
[Jane moans]
I want to put a baby in you.
[Jane chuckles]
[John] Oh, what?
I’m sorry. Was that creepy?
Shit!
Oh, my God.
Fu…
I think I threw up.
Oh, fuck.
[sighs] Scared me.
[Jane sighs]
[John sighs, sniffles]
I’ll go.
No, no, it’s, uh…
No, it’s fine. I’ll do it.
You…
You sure?
Yeah, yeah, you… you stay there.
[John sighs heavily]
You okay, buddy?
[Toby clears throat]
Let’s get you…
Oh, God.
Let’s just, uh… let’s get you…
[Toby groans]
Oh, God.
[birds singing]
[John] Hey.
Breakfast.
[grunts softly]
[cookware clinking]
[clattering nearby]
Hey. We need to go now.
Now.
Come on. Come on.
[Jane gasps softly]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
[debris clinking]
Oh. Come on.
♪ ♪
You blew up my cottage.
Don’t you mean “our cottage”?
How’d you do it?
It was a dynamite stick.
Popped it in the stove.
[Toby] That for me?
I want to tell you what it is that I did.
I want to… I want to confess. I want to cleanse myself.
We don’t need to know that.
[typing]
[Jane sniffles]
That was a tough one.
[typing continues]
You want some wine?
[cork pops]
Uh, no.
[computer chimes]
I’m not really feeling good.
[typing]
Are you pregnant?
What?
Are you pregnant?
No, I’m not… I’m…
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Are you sure you’re not pregnant?
I’m not pregnant. No. Why are you… why are you asking if I’m pregnant?
No wine, you told the family you were pregnant, you felt sick on the boat.
Ugh.
You were being… being really maternal with Toby.
No.
Really maternal.
I’m not. I-I…
Uh, you misread it. I’m, uh…
All right, then. You’re not pregnant.
It would have… it would have been nice.
You know, it was… it was… It was, it was fun to think about for a second.
You don’t think it would be a good idea, or…?
I don’t… I-I… I don’t think it would have been a good thing if I was pregnant right now.
Uh… um…
Okay. Why?
Do I need to have a reason?
You kind of do, yeah.
John, you want to bring kids into this life after a day like we had today?
We’re not the first people to raise kids in a dangerous situation.
It’s called Detroit.
This is not just talking about life being dangerous.
We are literally spies that are getting shot at.
We are not in a place to have kids.
We’ll do low-risk.
I’ll-I’ll do… I’ll do low-risk.
Like, we’ll… we’ll deliver packages.
And we’ll-we’ll stack our money doing this, and then…
Seriously? You seriously want to be a mailman and have kids and that’s… that… you would be happy with that?
‘Cause I-I-I don’t think I would be happy with that.
That’s not what I signed up for.
I don’t want to go down, I want to keep going up.
I thought we could have higher risk eventually.
How…?
What about family? What are we…?
What about…?
You know, I didn’t think you were that…
I didn’t think you were that simple-minded, like, that traditional, like…
Don’t call me stupid just ’cause…
I didn’t call you stupid.
I know what you’re saying.
[knock on door]
[John] It’s from Hihi.
[door closes, lock clicks]
[clicks tongue] “Well done, Jane.”
It’s probably just a typo.
Typo? You really think I’m stupid. Like…
[sighs]
How did you log the mission?
Typed exactly what happened.
So you typed, “Blew up John’s cottage, saved the day again.”
Oh, my God.
“John drove some”?
Okay, so you’re mad that I saved the day?
That’s what you’re mad about?
No.
I’m-I’m mad that you take all the credit every time.
You… Stop saying that!
I take… I didn’t take the credit.
You know, I’m gonna take a shower.
Do you… do you need to use it before me?
[groans] No.
Okay.
[sighing]
♪ ♪
[♪ Nite Lite: “Baby Don’t You Know”]
♪ ♪
♪ I’m really feeling so bad on the dock ♪
♪ While the waves keep breaking against the rocks ♪
♪ I want to join my friends ♪
♪ Down in the club tonight ♪
♪ Asking the boys who play ♪
♪ To play my song tonight ♪
♪ Hey, baby, don’t you know that ♪
♪ When you kiss me ♪
♪ I really go mad ♪
♪ I feel something strange ♪
♪ That I can’t explain ♪
♪ Baby, don’t you know that ♪
♪ When you kiss me ♪
♪ I really go mad ♪
♪ I feel something strange ♪
♪ That I can’t explain ♪
♪ ♪
